The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #115: Doug is the UnFit App Guru

Episode Date: December 14, 2015

Doug, the guru for the new UnFit App, talks with one of the developers Kelly Poco, drinks some tequila and brainstorms a take on the chicken drop.Download the UnFit App - http://apple.co/1Mf7VxM Recorded Dec. 11, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kelly Poco (https://www.facebook.com/pocobzb), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -UnFit App on YourTube.comTRAILER 02 - http://bit.ly/1NnKu9tTRAILER 01 - http://bit.ly/1UuYwswTWITTER - @unfit4lifeINSTAGRAM – Unfit4Lifehttps://www.instagram.com/unfit4life/FACEBOOK – UNFIThttps://www.facebook.com/unfit4life/?fref=tsTHIS IS POP GAMEShttp://thisispop.com/games/“BIBLE FIGHT” ON ADULT SWIMhttp://bit.ly/1IVNxUF“MY LITTLE BASTARD”http://bit.ly/IPWG5TPOCO IN BISBEEhttps://www.facebook.com/pocobzb/“FINAL 24” TV SHOWhttp://www.imdb.com/title/tt1020621/GERI JEWELhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tudoHTEea8AClosing Song, "I Can't Remember When You Were Mine", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

when people go oh my god i smoked a cigarette last night so but when you quit even for a short while you go oh fuck that's 70 of the hangover yeah yeah well that's interesting but your hangovers must suck they suck lot. Because mine are not good because I'm hungover from last night. And honestly, I couldn't imagine like how you would one-up that. It just sucks having a hangover. You're fucking groggy in the mornings like that. And you're telling me that smoking. Yeah, when you quit, immediately you go, oh, geez.

And I drank like a fish last night. But I still feel pretty good. I'm going to do another rehab. I'm going to do another – we've been debating. And you can – feel free to chime in on the Twitter because I'm going to – I was thinking 30 days on the couch. We've talked about this. Well, the last one was 30 days in a row.

30 days in a row you were in the trailer. No cigarettes, two drinks a night with a variable. We didn't count Bailey's coffee, et cetera. No TV. And this time I was going to do 30 days on the couch with all TV and just sit there like a lump and just watch Netflix and we'll do a podcast every night. Even if it's just Netflix related, catch up on series and documentaries. That's why I want to stop watching Netflix for a couple months because I already feel like I'm at the bottom of the barrel.

And every now and then you go, oh, fuck. Oh, gotta you gotta pinch the hose to let it build up yes yeah yes exactly so i i've had to ask you about the three days in hokes a lot of people they'll they'll email or their twitter about like is that going to happen again because our our numbers actually went up during that time because it was like it was like it was a soap opera every day uh and and the one positive thing that i really took out because i didn't i don't smoke but the positive i got out of it was gin the negroni and the the other drinks that we made during the 30 days it broke alcoholism wide open yeah like oh it's a whole new thing. Whiskey sours and gin fizzes. Sling.

Singapore slings. The wonderful margaritas we're drinking tonight are a direct result from realizing how to really make a margarita. Before that, all I drank was vodka with a mixer, usually soda with a splash of grapefruit, and occasionally beer. Miller Lite.

Yeah. And that was it. And then 30 days in the hole. One 30-day rehab. All of a sudden, my horizons are wide open. But maybe, well, Kelly Poco, as you're known to me, is here. Maybe I do 30 days on the couch, but I go vegan. 30 days of vegan.

She always fucks with me because she comes over, and in the forefront of my head is she's a vegan. Like today, I'm like, oh, shit, I'm just back from Africa. I don't have the fridge stock, but I got some really good cheese, so I can at least put out cheese and crab. That cheese is not fucking vegan so i was gonna have when you went to safeway i was gonna go just get a head of red cabbage so i could awkwardly pull that out beside the cheese plate and i go i realize you don't eat

cheese so i got you this and just an uncut head of red. I didn't know what else to get you, so I got you this. Get over here. That's your seat. That's your mic. But then maybe she would have picked it up and eaten it like an apple in front of you, just to be like, there you go, motherfucker. That's a vegan. These are vegan margaritas we're drinking tonight with a splash of pomegranate in mine.

Yes. with a splash of pomegranate in mine. Yes. And Kelly Poco, a local legend of not just veganism. You do own Poco is the name of your restaurant, a vegan restaurant here in town that Brian Hennigan and Bingo frequent, and I avoid at all costs. Oh, Mango Mimosas. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I forget they have booze, light booze, beer, wine. We do mango mimosas. Yeah, yeah. I forget they have booze, light booze, beer, wine. We do. Beer and wine. Yeah. Is that on the QT or are you allowed to sell that? No, we actually have a license. Okay. I did enjoy the kale burrito that I had that one time. Oh, cool.

I went there the first time. Oh, it's a Brussels sprout. I'm sorry, not kale. You're right. She had just opened, so I'm obligated to go there and I'm dreading it. Dry sweats and shivers. I have to eat something, and I know I'm going to have to act like I like it, but they had a vegan breakfast burrito that was actually very good. I'm like, I actually enjoy this, but there's a trick.

There's something in my head. There's a trick to this somehow. So maybe 30 days on the couch going, same thing, no cigarettes, two drinks a day. Because at this point, the amount I drink for the longevity of my career, yeah, it can be dangerous to just quit. Right, to find balance. Yeah, It can be dangerous to just quit. Right. So in balance. Yeah.

So, but two drinks a night work perfectly. Uh, well again, yeah, there's a couple of nights we went to three or four, eight, 21, 22.

That grasshopper didn't hit the spot. Right. Yeah. Well, that's why we started drinking all these like whiskey drinks and gin drinks going, uh, the more disgusting they are,

the longer they'll last. And that's how the Negroni became our favorite. and gin drinks, going, the more disgusting they are, the longer they'll last. And that's how the Negroni became our favorite. Because it ain't a guzzler. It's an acquired taste. Yeah, you drink a grasshopper, that's like a little tin of ice cream. Gulp, gone. I have to be honest about the Negroni. I've had to stop.

I haven't had them for a while. I didn't have one for a long time. Found that bartender, James, from Malawi in South Africa. In South Africa. Yeah, I had a couple. Did they know how to make it? Drinks just don't taste the same out of this country. They have those fucking hollow ice cubes.

Even ice drinks seem warm. There's just something wrong. Did you have to tell James how to prepare the drink? No, but he had a new menu. This is one of those things like you see on Bar Rescue. Oh, we'll get to that show you're telling me about. Yeah. But where they have 48 different drinks.

And I go, I'll try this. This seems weird. And he's like, it's a brand new menu. I'm going to have to look it up because they have 48 drinks. We only used to have 12. And now we have 87 fucking drinks. Bar Rescue Africa. Yeah.

I don't know how to make it. They had all the fruit out for the breakfast buffet, like whole fruit, like apples, like whole apples and oranges. So I went over. I grabbed an orange. I go, we're making a Negroni. You know how to do that one? I'm going to work with you. And yeah, so we got through some Negronis.

Kelly, our sponsor on this Doug Stanhope podcast is the Unfit app. Is that the way to say it? Yes. I don't just say unfit app. Is that the way to say it? Yes. I don't just say unfit. No, it's the unfit app, which I am the spokesmodel for. You're the guru for. I am the guru. Explain,

because I don't even know what an app is, even though we've already done this. This is out, right? It just launched. Launched? I just downloaded it just now. All right. I wanted to show how easy it was because I walked in here realizing I should have done it before.

But then I thought, well, we'll dog food it. We'll test it right now. All right. Explain the Unfit app. Yeah, so you know how a lot of people are obsessed with their Fitbit that tracks your fitness. Fitbit is the most popular of the fitness ones. Right. There's carrot.

Didn't you have carrot or something? Fitbit is the bracelet, of the fitness ones. Right. There's Carrot. Didn't you have Carrot or something? Fitbit is the bracelet, right? Right. It's a wearable. Yeah, it's a wearable. I think the Apple Watch also does that. Right. There's a couple of them out.

I think Garmin has one. Yep. There's a number of them. But it's a way to track your cardio, your steps. Exactly. You can download the info to your it encourages you to increase your activity right exactly so unfit is the fitness tracker for the rest of us

it tracks your underachievements basically that's the unfit music oh that's me sorry that's licensed music sir sorry I just agreed to the terms of service is there anything in there that I need to work

human caterpillar I think it's okay to agree okay I just agreed to the terms of service. Is there anything in there that I need to work? Human caterpillar. I think it's okay to agree. Okay. Great. Although it encourages alcohol and tobacco consumption. That's what I love about it is, Doug, in the, not the reviews, but the descriptions of it, it gets down. You really wouldn't read all that, but it does say,

frequent and intense alcohol tobacco and drug use references that's a health program yes well it's unfit that should be the name of it and that's yeah and that's why i'm the spokesperson perfect for unfit app which i uh one day you'll figure out how to download onto my phone for me. So unfit prompts you to do, it's, it's helping you to maintain balance. You know,

any idiot can have a fitness tracker and like, you know, count their calories and count their steps, but to sort of live with one foot in the grave, you know, to have a kale smoothie for lunch. Cause you're going to have gin for dinner. That's sort of the unfit way of life.

It's a balance. Yes. It's all about finding balance. And you obviously have, well, we shot a bunch of videos for this for promotional use. Are those out anywhere yet? Yes.

I believe you can see those. If you go to unfit4life, the number 4, unfit4life, you can see the promotional videos..com? Is that a website? That's our Instagram and our Twitter. Instagram, okay. Is it on YouTube yet? Yes. Okay, so you can probably Is it on YouTube yet? Yes.

Okay, so you can probably search it on that. Unfit for life. And, yeah, you can see me in all my slovenly greatness. Yeah, we could have fucking maybe some WD-40 for that door. Actually, just leave it cracked because I'm smoking like a chimney and it's hot as shit in here. Here's my first unfit. I don't know. What's it called when it comes up? This is my number one. It's a as shit in here. Here's my first unfit. I don't know. What's it called when it comes up?

This is my number one. It's a challenge or a dare. My first challenge is engage your stillness superpowers. Oh, engage your stillness superpowers and lie down for five minutes. I'm already ahead of the game because I can do that. I'm going to commit to that. On our break, Doug's going to make the margaritas and I'm going to lay in that easy chair for five minutes because my phone

told me to. Time it. You have to time it. If you use it on Apple Watch, the watch knows what you're doing and if you're moving or not. So challenges like that or jog a quarter of a mile to the bar or go on a Netflix binge for four hours, hustle up some snacks.

If you're goal oriented and you like crossing things off your list, this is perfect. I also wanted to walk for a mile today. Guess what? That's not happening, but I'm going to cross this one off my list. Maybe we do that for the 30 days. Because generally the 30 days, my 30-day rehab is right after Super Bowl. Get the fuck out of my house. Everyone get out. And then I spend 30 days, my 30-day rehab is right after Super Bowl. Get the fuck out of my house. Everyone get out.

And then I spend 30 days. Maybe I actually do unfit because there is fitness involved. Jog a quarter of a mile to the bar. That's about the distance to the hitching post. Yeah. And jogging could be speed walking. Absolutely. I walk very fast.

I don't jog, but I walk very very fast my phone knows that i went there doesn't know how fast i fucking got there i could have you push me in a wheelbarrow and it would still say completed mission accomplished that should be a challenge that was great when we were filming that because it was uh it wasn't quite yet summer and the pool over there at hazard we used that as a location and it was genuinely green we didn't we didn't stage that that was an algae filled filthy pool we threw garbage in to float on the top for staging and it was cold yeah it was cold and the algae was real no one would have told you to get in that pool that's i am not a guy like i hate hand sanitizer people it's just

yeah it's a world's a filthy place get used to it but i was afraid about that pool like just some of that gut in your ear there's some kind of weird worm that's going to grow and make you forget everything and talk in tongues and learn how to, I can play piano all of a sudden. What's this worm in my head? I'm speaking fluent Mandarin. And you were drinking it out of a giant straw. Yes, I was doing that.

Are you telling me you have Quatro from Total Recall growing in your belly? And we used that film crew to film the two specials we just filmed. So everything worked out. So you get this app. I don't even know how to get a fucking app. I'm your grandpa doing a tech-related podcast. You need to adopt a millennial. Don't worry.

We'll get into your dirty stories in a minute. We'll plug this, then we'll get into your dirty, filthy life, then we'll get back to plugging this. You download it from the App Store onto your phone or your iWatch. Yeah. iTunes. You know what? I have the NFL app, so I know if I'm really motivated, I can figure it out.

But I forget how to do it. Just like every year, I forget how to do taxes. I don't even do my taxes. I just have to prepare them for the guy that does my taxes. The same way you clean up for a maid to come into your room in a hotel. Because you know you're such a pig. You'd never let her see how you really live. So you pre-clean.

So just pre-taxing every year I have to relearn it. So I'll figure out how to download my own. I think we can hook you up, yeah. Well, I should be able to do it. I'm a goddamn spokesmodel for Christ's sakes. You are the unfit guru. Kelly Poco, vegan extraordinaire, actually got upset with us. At the Super Bowl parties, we used to do the chicken drop,

which we learned from a bar in Belize when the Beckers and I went to Belize. They did the chicken drop. And what they have is about a 12 by 12 foot fenced in area with numbers one through 100 and you buy a raffle ticket. It's a grid. Yeah, a grid. Like on a blue tarp. Yeah, like a kino board, but square and not rectangular.

And you buy a random number for a buck or a couple of bucks a number and then they when they sell all the squares they chuck a chicken out there and you just wait for it to take a shit and whatever number it shits on that person wins with everyone screaming that was the part around yeah it's a fence it's like a deer hunter it's like the end of deer hunter with the russian rou. Yeah, it's like Deer Hunter. Deedee bow, deedee bow. It's like the end of Deer Hunter with the Russian roulette scene, and everyone's screaming and chanting, and the chicken's all freaked out,

and he shits on a number, and someone wins, and then you go back in and watch the second half of the game. Right. Chicken goes home to be slaughtered. Well, I mean, we had nothing to do with that. They sell their eggs. I just ate their eggs this morning. But the chicken goes home. Well, no. We had nothing to do with that. They sell their eggs. I just ate their eggs this morning. But the chicken goes home. It's Betty's chickens.

We don't throw someone in there to stomp on it afterwards. I mean, this is, we're not animals. I guess we are, kind of. Well, we use it. We don't destroy it. Yeah, see, would you be upset if it were one of us running around? Shitting? Trying to hold an enema in?

I think that's an amazing idea. Yeah. Perfect. Let's do it. Totally. That's done. The Super Bowl. Fuck that chicken.

This is Kelly Poco's revenge. You can do a parlay. You can do three numbers in a row. I am making a difference for animals. You are, and you're also the one that's going to try to hold an enema so a chicken doesn't have to do that. We'll have the enema bag and a chicken. All right.

Kelly chooses. All right, I'm down. Get a blindfolder. You have to give her a reason to run around. A chicken does it naturally. Because otherwise she'll put a fix in. Chicken doesn't know numbers. All right, hold an enema for as long as you can in the first number that you blast on.

Like a warm water honey coffee enema. Wow, you've tried these. Honey's not vegan. Oh, damn it! Scratch that. Lawyers. Agave nectar. Yeah, that's fine. vegan scratch that lawyers I spent all day with fucking lawyers on a conference call for this book every that's the new title of the book the names have all been changed to protect the innocent. To protect the imbeciles. Does this person know you're using their name?

What are they going to do? What are they going to say? I wasn't retarded? I don't know what you want. So, yeah, it was a long day. But anyway, write that down. Enema chicken drop. Oh, no, I wrote enema Kelly drop.

Good. So, yeah. I'm'm gonna need some more kelly kelly came to the party knowing the chicken drop was gonna happen i heard ahead of time that she was already pissed off but she came to show her disdain by watching intently the spark in your eyes when you and i locked eyes and intently. The spark in your eyes when you and I locked eyes and just did that raise. Whoa! Yeah, I feel really honored to have been here for that moment. Oh, enema drop.

And we'll have the comedy show at the Royale before that. So if we do need someone to do the enema. Oh yeah, there'll be no lack of volunteers because this is a closed party this year. You have to be either one of the comedians performing or the people that are in the season-long pool that have been here for football since kickoff of game one. The Red Jackets.

Or the Enema Drop lady. Yes, you can get into the Super Bowl party. I wish we could get a lady to do it. I think she just volunteered. Well, if she's not available, I'm pretty sure the only one who's going to do it is a guy. I think she'll do it. Or the chicken gets stomped. Or the chicken does it.

That's true. We won't stomp the chicken, but the chicken will have to do it this year if you don't. But we'll see how much you really love animals. Oh, geez. You had some... Brian told me this, that you had some... You were a catalyst to getting

this new vet into town? I was a catalyst to getting rid of the last vet who was here. If you look at Ichabod's eyes, where he has these... Clockwork orange. He looks like he has these clockwork orange he looks like he has fake eyelashes that's the stitch work of that uh civil war medic that used to be the vet here he's the vet at the greyhound track in tuesday was was yeah his license was suspended yeah even greyhounds just go, fuck it, kill me.

Wow, he got suspended from a place where they abused dogs? Yes, yeah. A little too much. But yeah, because yeah, we had to... Trousers, my favorite cat in the world, we had to have her put down. And that vet was so fucking cool. The new lady? Yeah, she's amazing. What's her name again?

Paula Tyler. Paula Tyler. It's not really going to get a lot of legs on this podcast but if you ever want to kill a cat come to bisbee because she was so sweet she took all the jokes because you know i had to make it really dark i'm like can i bring this back to the farmer's market where i got it and get a refund can i keep that body because i know it's been eight years but this is defective. This cat doesn't seem to be working anymore. Can I trade this in?

I don't have my receipt. And she rolled with the punches. But yeah, she was great. Oh, you just got rid of the last vet. Yeah, the last vet was so terrible that I got into a screaming fight with the receptionist,

with the office manager, and told her that it was going to be my hobby. The Swedish lady? Yeah. She's a hard woman. You know what? If there was someone that was going to apply in Enema pre- Super Bowl, that would be her. The Swedish vet?

The Swedish dominatrix veterinary assistant. Yes. Yeah, you can see her just squeezing a red rubber bag until your eyes bulge. So I told her I was a vegan without a hobby, and I was going to make it my business to let everyone know how crappy they were. So everyone needs a hobby. That's kind of a comic go-to thing is when you threaten people

and you go you understand i work an hour a night if i decide to work that night i have all the time in the world to focus my attention and creativity on you and a lot of times we do that's a scary prospect it is because someone being bored and having nothing to do but focus on you, that's way scarier than I'm going to kick your ass. Only thing scarier, Chad Shank, because he doesn't have to work that hour. And now he has a sword. A fan sent Chad Shank a samurai sword, like an antique, very sharp. You don't do that.

I knew you were going to cave in. I had the cigarettes out in front of you. Kelly went 10 years. There's meat in that cigarette, I'm just telling you. Well, everyone knows that. I went 10 years without a cigarette. And then I caved. Yeah. Welcome back. But only with you. I went 10 years without a cigarette. And then I caved.

Yeah. Welcome back. But only with you. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back. Final 24, I already touched on it because I'm a bar rescue guy. Yes. We share some taste in really bad reality television. But it's just to hate.

Right. Even though I was on the show, the only reason I was on the show is because... Oh, you were on it? Yeah. I didn't see that episode. Yeah, it's a terrible episode. And they cut out everything I said because I was all for the dive bar. I'm like, this is everywhere I'd want to drink.

Why would you fix this? So when you see my episode, it's just mostly me nodding. They cut out everything I said because it was antithesis. What was the bar? It was Long Beach. No, it wasn't Long Beach. It was Inland. I thought it was Long Beach.

No, no, no. It was a castle, though, wasn't it? Yeah, a castle. Something castle. Anyway, it just looks stupid. I'm sitting in there with my sneaky thermos full of booze getting hammered in his dumb suv then they can't get a reaction out of the fucking people like they have their two professional scouts go in the cook and the and they can't get a reaction out of the guy

so i get i'll get a reaction out of them send me me. I'm hammered now. And I went in. So they cut away from me nodding to the SUV to shots of inside the bar where you see me at the bar. How am I in the SUV outside and in the bar? Watching yourself on screen. Fucking worse to editing. But I just watch these shows to hate them. So I assume you're the same. What's Final 24? And I watch Hoarders to feel better about my housekeeping.

Hoarders is tough because once you've seen the best Hoarders, anything less is no good. Right. If there's no dead cats or a fetus, you're boring. Right. Right. But yeah, so we share some taste in bad reality TV. So what's this new one?

I think you're going to like Final 24. It was actually filmed, I think, almost 10 10 years ago and there were two seasons of it and a canadian production company did it and they they do uh the final 24 hours of different celebrities and um oh their lives yeah and so it's a combination of reenactments vintage footage and interviews with people close to them so they do Vicious, but the best part is the British narrator who really classes it up. And so they're showing Sid Vicious and they're like, Sid Vicious has just scored

heroin. He has less than four hours to live. And there's a countdown clock. Yeah, there's a countdown clock. That comes off. There's a book called The Final Days or Final Hours of Dead Celebrities that at least three people have sent me uh where i get yeah oh this is sounds like something you'd like so it's like jfk jr

you know elvis flying that plane and nicole smith you know, brilliant trash. Really good. Anna Nicole Smith was, yeah, I understand that. Xanax was the first drug I ever did where you go, I could see going just haywire on this and just being blotto, blank to the world, numb. That's why I love flying so much because that's when I'll take too much Xanax and half drool coming out of my mouth with unchewed beef

from the dinner. I can see spending most of my life like this. I once took 10 milligrams on a flight. 10 milligrams of Valium on a flight that then had to land. And we had to get off.

Like emergency landing? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, there was weather or whatever, and we had to land. That's the fucking worst. Yeah, and I'd had like two drinks and 10 milligrams of Valium, and I had to try to get up. Oh, that walk stinks. Because I used to time it before the flight.

Okay, 30 to 40 minutes before the flight, take it, then a couple of cocktails, and then you're perfect. Flight's been delayed for two hours. Gate change. Oh, then you got to think. Then you got to move. Then it might be two hours. It might be canceled. Now you got to perform.

Toothpicks in the eyelids. With your eye mask. canceled now you gotta now you gotta perform toothpicks in the eyelid though with with a face with your uh eye mask i have a picture of it where uh we were leaving for costa rica out of the international bradley terminal at lax with tom bradley at the end there fucking worst awful so i'm overloaded with xanax it's like 12 20 a., middle of the night flight. And then we're stuck on the tarmac with no air. And it's just sweating. I was drunk. I was on Xanax. And I'm just stifling heat. And I was so pissed. I just took off my shirt. It was the most grotesque picture of my sunken man chest and collarbone weeping sweat shirtless fuck you so next time you should get them to wheel you on that's really classic

sean rouse i don't know if you've met sean rouse. He's a comedian. He's only been down once. Brilliant. And he came to the Edinburgh Festival, and his rheumatoid arthritis just fucked. His hands that are dripping. I forget what they call the condition where the knuckles spread away. His hand goes sideways. It's just kind of deforming over a period of time. It's like he's melting. It's just kind of deforming It's like he's melting But he gets

You get a wheelchair You zip through every fucking thing I'm like I'm going with you to the airport Because if I wheel you I get to go through everything First on And you don't have to spend any miles

To upgrade Security, everything Yeah There's usually a downside And you don't have to spend any miles to upgrade. Through security, your front line, security, everything. Yeah, yeah. There's usually a downside to that. I need a debilitating disease. It's coming. Just relax. I'd tell you the story about how I fake cerebral palsy to pre-board when I'm...

But you have to see it, so I'll save that. We'll vine it or something. You have to see it, so I'll save that. We'll vine it or something. I can do a really good cerebral palsy because I grew up with Jerry Jewell on Facts of Life. You did. And she was a stand-up comic. My name is Jerry and I have cerebral palsy.

And I can do it very, very good. You grew up with her in Massachusetts? No, watching her on TV. So I was into stand-up comedy, and there's also facts of life, age. Sure. Quick laugh, too, around your friends. I mean, you can work on that quite a bit. Your friends won't get tired of you doing it as you go and ask her to dance. No one ever doesn't laugh at a good mocking of cerebral palsy.

Sure. All right, I get stories that Brian tried to... He'd go, oh, ask her about... Because you are a New York cunt. Yes. In proper hippie Bisbee. Right. Running a vegan place downtown yes and also doing a million things because it's not you didn't just make an app as a goof you do this shit yeah no my

partner and i eat the mic whore okay my partner and i started a company called this is pop and we've been making games for 15 years. All right. Games such as? We did tons of games for Adult Swim. They were all pretty subversive and ridiculous. What would my fans know? Because they know games. I don't. Hold on a second.

Are these mainly games for on the phone or online? Yeah, some of them are phone games now. Some of them are just online games so my favorite of our games probably is a game called bible fight that we did for adult swim and you fight the various characters of the bible with the goal of being uh seated at the right hand of god that's the that's the upshot and our tagline for it was that it combines two of america's favorite pastimes christianity andeless Violence. So it's a good one. Did it sell well? It actually, it was a free game on the Adult Swim site,

and it was one of their most popular games for a long time. And it was actually supposed to be, when the iPhone first came out, it was supposed to be in the suite of games introduced for the iPhone. But someone at Apple, right before it came out, thwarted that. So it was going to be preloaded, and then all of a sudden... It was one of the first games available for download. Oh, jeez. Yeah.

That fucking jackass. Somebody noticed. Somebody noticed. Yeah, because the Christians had already waged quite a war with Adult Swim about getting the ads off TV and stuff like that. Jesus. So what else? What else?

Throw out a litany. Oh, he did a really great game too called My Little Bastard, and it was basically a virtual pet, and it was based on a foster dog that I had that I used to bring to the office, and he was a Karen Terrier, and he was just horrible. He was a biter, and he bit people at the office, and I spent thousands of dollars on trainers trying to fix him and he just got worse and worse. And so he did pay off in the end though

because we sold My Little Bastard for a lot of money. And so he did earn his keep. But yeah, so it's a virtual pet that's a hermaphrodite and he just gets more, the better you are to him, the more violent he gets to you. And he drinks and he smokes cigarettes and he shits everywhere. And yeah, he sexually harasses your mother.

So it's just... So how do you go from that world of making apps in New York City and... Do you have some shit to do with tattoos or was that a kinfolk of yours? Yeah, I was a partner in a tattoo shop for a while in New York. Yeah, I was a partner in a tattoo shop for a while in New York. How do you go from that to, I'm going to run a probably failing, money laundering, vegan place in an alley in Busby? Right. Yeah, it was, I came out here for the summer.

I had a house out here for years. How long? Came out here, had a house here since 2002. All right. Yep. Are you one of those people that just has to do shit? I think so. Because you would assume

that you have a professional life in New York City. Right. And then you just come here. You can't even get... Just finding someone to work out here is so difficult. That was my biggest beef with the whole Occupy Wall Street.

And the people think we don't want to work, but we want jobs. Not where I live. It's fucking hippie central. And I can stand on boxes with stacks of cash in my hand going, can someone change a fucking light bulb for me? Right. And maybe if I need beer,, I'll come over and help. It'll make you feel bad. We did a fun Occupy Bisbee in the park here

that Brian Hennigan attended. Ours was Occupy with a PIE, and we all brought pies and spent the whole day getting drunk in the park. It was kind of awesome. And I don't begrudge people not working. I just, like, I see it up close. I've done a million bits about it. But yeah like i see it up close i've done a million bits about it but yeah

you see it up close and no people shouldn't want to work but you do when you make plenty of money doing shit in new york you can just come to bisbee and get drunk and eat pie in the park yet you choose to try to employ people right at a completely uh fiscally irresponsible business because no one wants to eat vegan food. Even vegans don't really want it. We're rated the number two restaurant in Bisbee, right behind Cafe Roca on Yelp, which is crazy because I think people have really low expectations when they come in.

And then when the food is actually just edible, they're like, oh, my God. I'd put it there. That's astounding. Honestly, the food is good good and it really is good. You're only open like two days a week. Three days a week. Excuse me. It's the days that we're hung over

until 5 p.m. It is really good food and it's a shame that it doesn't link up with our schedules. I opened a bar here. Right here. You're sitting at it which is way easier like you'd think you could just make vegan food at home and the people that are interested would come over right and you'd probably break even as much at home as you would rent in a place

in subway yeah definitely subway's a street. There's no actual Subway here, and I'm going to change that. We're putting fucking Burger King out of business. They're disgusting. I'm going to open a Subway in that goddamn Safeway parking lot. You know, there are franchises, so you could do that.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm going to write that down, Doug. Subway's everywhere. Every fucking place. No, there's more of them than any other. There's more of them than McDonald's. But not in Bisbee. Right.

And we have Burger King, and Burger King only thrives. Don't get me started. Burger King is only making money where they have no competition whatsoever. I'm going to hire Brokey, our local homeless guy, to run the fucking Subway. Anyway, off topic. Back to... I just crossed off Subway off my list when you said Brokey.

I had a star by it, but now... Brokey's a local... He's not homeless, but he's the will work for food guy that sits outside his safe way. He lives in a cave, I think, so that's pretty homeless. Oh, yeah, I guess he does. So he is homeless. Yeah. He's not cave-less.

I'm cave-less. We're all cave-less. It's true. He he is homeless. Yeah. He's not cave-less. I'm cave-less. We're all cave-less. He's got more than me. It's true. But he sits outside a Safeway with a cardboard sign that says, he just lists all of his physical maladies. Bad back, diabetes, webbed feet. Bad knees.

Need work. Like, just, like, what work can you do with all this shit he lists like the things he can't like like his physical ailments and then he lists the things that require total physical activity yes i do concrete masonry concrete but i got a bad back and i can't bend over swivel hip fucking bad. My fifth through ninth vertebrae are crushed. What? I don't get this. And then he tries to hitchhike, and when you don't pick him up, he swears and he screams at you.

So that's awesome. We should all chip in and give him one of them hoverboards. Yeah. Well, at Safeway, when you go in, like every month they'll have a thing where you get a press in your number for your rewards card. And then a thing will come up. Do you want to donate to the breast cancer awareness to fucking whatever foundation every month? It's something different. And I just want them to one month,

put Brokey's sign up there on the little register. Do you want to donate $10, $1, $5? Yeah, exactly. Think globally, act locally. Where the fuck were we?

Are we having a drink? Should we just have a drink? We were talking about Kelly being why she came to Bisbee. Alright, we'll get back to that. Let's refresh our margaritas and we'll be right back after I take a piss. And I lay down for five minutes. For five whole minutes. Hey, Pop-Off Vodka,

we haven't, our long term, our longest sponsor, we haven't pitched Pop-Off Vodka for a while. Hey, Pop-Off Vodka, people. It's a plastic jug so big you can crawl inside with all of your deepest fears and still fit comfortably pop-off vodka go down to the bottomless shelf of your local barred window retail liquor establishment in that part

of town get yourself a bottle of Papa Vodka. It makes you smile like you just got 500 surprise dollars in the mail. And now, back to the podcast, already drinking Papa Vodka. From our smoke-filled chamber.

Yeah, I don't think, it doesn't feel like I've been drinking that much, but... It's the tequila. It's the tequila. I so wished she said that she was a tequila aficionado. I know, because Pauly... Did we ever bring that up on the podcast? Pauly sent this $250 bottle of tequila,

because I think he heard me giving him shit on a podcast where I didn't mention his name, but he knew it was him. We did mention it, because there was a note attached to it, and then we ditched the note, and then we hid the bottle while you were gone. Yeah, yeah. No, that's why we have to get a cage built on one of these booze shelves for the good shit people send us.

But we're not going to... You're going to still be able to see what it is. Yeah, yeah. It's going to be plexig to still be able to see what it is. Yeah. It's going to be fucking padlocked. But it's going to be flexi. Kenny and Derek sitting around here, Beavis and Butthead playing Wii golf and drinking fucking $250 bottles of tequila.

And they would. Doug walking around with a big bank of keys like Schneider. All right, you. You moved here in 2002. No, I bought a house here in 2002. I moved here just a couple of years ago full time. All right. So you just, yeah, you saw an

angle in the market. Yes, I saw an opening in the market. You seem to fit right in in Bisbee. Really? I have never really felt like that. That's why I built a bar at my house and built a giant fence around it.

So you opened Poco when? Did you have a business before the vegan restaurant? Yeah, I mean, I've been a partner in this game, in This Is Pop, the game design company, since 2000. But I mean, like in Bisbee, like in bisbee like a storefront no okay no so poco and that opened when right poco opened in 2011 all right yep so that that's when you were a first a public figure i guess you could say in bisbee you had a deal with the fucking dregs and everyone who hates you right all the employees that i'm just getting to this story yeah i'm trying to get to this story which i don't know but brian said ask her about the uh boyfriend of an employee right it's legendary that you can't keep employees here in bisbee

it's true uh because no one wants to work and they shouldn't well because if you're if you're young and ambitious you don't come to Bisbee. Right. Yeah, because there's nothing to do. Yeah, you come here to wear a hemp T-shirt and sleep in a park. Right. Play a fucking ukulele really bad and then wonder why you don't get tips.

Right. Didn't you close down at one point because you couldn't keep help? Well, yeah, because I couldn't keep help and also because I was gone a lot. I was in New York a lot at that point, so I just couldn't have somebody else manage it. You couldn't because you couldn't stand letting someone do it? Right.

Or was it because you couldn't find anyone to work or both? A little bit of both. I mean, it was just really hard to keep it fully staffed and be open six days a week for lunch and dinner. There was always someone who needed to go on a road trip for two months during the busiest time of year. Burning Man, dude. I can't work. You can't work during Burning Man.

I mean, nobody works during Burning Man. Rainbow gathering. Even though my theory is that living in Bisbee is exactly like living at Burning Man. Like everyone's wearing costumes all the time. It's a barter economy. Yeah. A lot of drugs. We don't get out of the compound much,

so we don't know what it's like out there. That sounds exciting, though. Yeah, it's always been the main glaring... There's no taxis. There's no taxi. I wear five miles, I think, from Old Bisbee,

the only place you'd want to go drink. Three and a half miles from Bisbee. Three and a half, you know, because of your Fit app, as opposed to the Unfit app, which would say, ah, you could drive drunk that far. Write that down, Kelly. You're just buzzed. No comment. Buzz drinking is drunk driving no it's not not at all fucking liar you drink before you put out these psa's asshole uh see if you would go drink in

old bisbee there would be just one drunk driver on the road but you'd lure everybody out here and they all have to drive home all that way swerving all over follow me i'm the pied piper follow me uh but yeah you have to the problem in bisbee we live in the uh warren district the uh old fuddy-duddy area keep warren boring we're gonna start that we've been saying this for, what, eight years now? We're going to get the T-shirts and the bumper stickers. Because Bisbee has – keep Bisbee weird. But all the stories you hear about Bisbee being weird are decades old. The other one, the Mayberry on acid one. Bisbee is like Mayberry on acid. Those are the three on acid, on steroids, on crack.

Yes. The three, like the most hackneyed. It's like Mayberry on acid. Well, it's technically math, really, that Bisbee seems to be running on. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, the weird days are over. Now it's just ugly. So I want to start to keep Warren boring, and I want to use the image.

I'm going to have to use Evelyn because she'd be willing. But do you know that woman that drives the old Nova that does scratch tickets at the corner, and she just sits in her car just doing scratch tickets? She used to own that, you know, the morning's cafe? Yeah. It used to be called a restaurant right next door called Our Place. And she's had that weird bouffant,

kind of look like a young Frankenstein lady. Anyway, she just had the perfect pinched face Warren Boring, and I wanted to put her face on the T-shirt. But I'll use Evelyn because she can do the face. She can do it.

Yeah. But keep Warren Boring. I think people in Warren would get behind it not knowing it's a joke. Anyway, there's no cab. Let's get to the point where someone called you a New York cunt. I don't even know how to get to the story. You had some employee. I had some flaky employee who was always late,

and then she came in late one day, and I fired her. So then her boyfriend came in to yell at me for firing her. He was like this little redneck, and he was like, listen up, you New York cunt. So did you give her the job back? No. That would have been very funny sometimes you have to think a few shots ahead and go oh now that you put it like that tell her

thursday if that's good for her whatever time she'd like just to see the look on his face right yeah actually would you do that would you you? Maybe next time it happens. You could suffer one more day. See, that's why we need video. If we could videotape you calling and say, listen, I thought over what you said about the New York cunt and that's just me.

You summed me up and I didn't know how to react. Is she available to come back in? Cause in the heat of the moment things are said i have a clearer head now i never realized i was a cunt and i am from new york so you it's you dressed me down in a way that made me realize and made me look deep within myself see if she'd come back to work yeah and that would be very fire at the end of the ship no no no no no you were training keep going with the joke you make her the manager and give her the keys you promote her and then just give her such an incredibly awful workload after this big promotion and a raise, but this completely

undoable workload. Okay, and inventory. We're going to get the deep fryers. We have to just every fucking thing. Of course you count every leaf of lettuce. John Taffer her into

fucking... And make her quit. The minutiae. John Taffer her into fucking. And make her quit. The minutia of John Taffer's world. Then call her a Palomino's twat. Or like word gets around in downtown Visby. Like go get her. She's just jumping ahead of everyone. And then they hire her at the Grand. That's the new manager.

And they hire her away from you. Now you're clean how much shit have you gotten like that because you're a very attractive woman so a lot if you were like a new york dude with money oh they'd be shitting on you behind your back but because you're attractive you probably don't get as much but how much shit have you gotten from locals that fucking stalwart, hippie, gentrified, fucking gentrified our town? Do you get a lot of that?

I don't get too much gentrifier. At least not to my face. Are you the type to Google yourself? There's local Facebook pages about Bisbee community where they talk a lot of shit about everyone. Right.

Do you go on those? Not too much, no. Stay off those. What the fuck are you talking about? Don't go there. I mean, unless I have somebody to contribute, you know. Yeah. Because I have never heard shit about you.

And then when Brian said, oh, ask her about the New York cunt. I go, yeah, I can see where you might get a lot of that shit, but I've never heard a bad word said about you other than you fucking hated the chicken drop. I think that might have been exaggerated a little bit. Probably. Yeah. What else do you do in this stupid town?

That's true. Like more hours open over Poco? But now that I know you, fuck it. Yeah, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.. Yeah, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Lunch. Just Friday, Saturday, Sunday, lunch. Yeah, but if I can get my fucking ass out of bed and over there, I fucking enjoy it.

Cool. And that makes it be the destination. So, yeah. It was great because before we started the podcast, we had a couple of margaritas sitting here at the bar, and Kelly said uh you know what i love to gossip but you know there's something and then we just went into an hour tirade of gossip it was great i fucking love talking shit behind people's back

but i do back it up by getting drunk and saying it to their face thinking it's funny. What happens in the fun house stays in the fun house. Yeah. Except on the podcast. Yeah. Except the microphone here that goes out to that worldwide web. I don't know what the borders are on the world, but. Well, living in Bisbee, I mean, it's kind of like living in a telenovela. You know, you kind of know everyone's story and, you know, that's kind of what's entertaining about it.

No, you know a story about someone. It's not their story. Well, that's true. That's true. That's very true. Do you know that I'm buying the Shady Dell? Oh, no, I haven't heard that yet. Do you know that Johnny Depp is buying the Loma Linda?

Wow, that's exciting. Well, these are things that I've heard, too. I've heard, yeah. I was just thinking, wow, he's buying the Shady Dell. I've heard interesting things about myself, too. That's great. I fucking promote. You've got to leave the house to find out what you're doing.

Is this true? Because I know you're friends with Johnny Depp. Is it true that he's buying the Loma Linda? I can't talk about it. I really, it's nothing. I don't know his business. I just fucking let this stupid rumor fly. That's the truth.

That is the absolute truth. Oh. What he does in his off time has nothing to do with me. But you're buying the Shady Dell, right? Hey, you know what? I love vintage trailers, but I'm not going to say anything. How does Johnny Depp feel about vegan Mexican food? You know what?

He's probably shit all over it just like i would yeah yeah he's everyone you'd want him to be right but it's a great vegan uh yeah i'm i'm i'm on board with if you will do the enema at super bowl i will eat vegan for a month during my rehab well you know i mean vegans are all obsessed with shit oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. The problem is we're going to have to find some definitive rules because when a chicken shits, you pretty much peg which number it was. If it's on a border, you go which. But if you're holding in a bowel load of enema. I've already thought about that. We need some kind of a tracer additive into the...

Corn! Corn! You can't do corn because it won't go through the tube. But we can use like a... The tube? Yeah. You don't think you can get a kernel of corn up your ass? Front load it.

Well, you're going to have to... They eat corn for like 24 hours in advance. Right. Indicator food. You can get kernels of corn up your asshole. Not through an enema tube. I'm not well endowed, but my dick is bigger than a kernel of corn.

If I can get my dick in an asshole, you can get some kernels of corn in an asshole. You're talking about like loading a PEZ dispenser in someone's ass with corn? I would assume they're going to do it themselves. Well, why wouldn't they just have them eat corn on the cob the night before?

Maybe it's like Willy Wonka golden tickets. You get Indian corn. If the blue colonel Red colonel wins. Okay. What if we just... What if we dyed the water...

We're supposed to be promoting a fucking unfit app here. This is so unfit. Well, you can't be unfit without shitting. Right. What if we dye the water? I like Indian corn. Okay. I'm going to...

The magic kernel. We'll call it the magic kernel. Yeah. Just so... Yeah. Even if it's just yellow corn kernels. We'll fool everyone by spelling it like kernel, like Colonel Sanders. The magic kernel. Yes. And somehow the chicken comes into play with the kernel.

Oh, the second game. Which one will we pick up? Throw them in. This is a mass of Indian corn. And then you throw the chicken in to see which one he eats. Terrible idea. This is perfect. It's talking about Colonel Sanders killing chickens. Oh.

There was some kind of, there's some interplay. We'll figure out the rules probably off air. The other thing I was thinking of is how to make someone who can read numbers not like just go around the perimeter or something. I think you're right. Blindfold. Taser.

Once again, great idea. No bad suggestions. I'm writing them all down. But if they're blindfolded and they have to take a step and they have to keep moving around. Don't say they, her. We should really be whiteboarding this. I feel like some of these, you know. Well, we are recording. This just turned into a production meeting.

It did. I'm having a fantastic time. You realize we're creating a game here. Oh yeah, here we go. Someone is going to shit on that blue tarp. This is how the magic happens. Oh, it's going to happen.

You're the one who should be taking notes. You're the brain trust when it comes to the electronical applications. Just clear your calendar. We'll do that. Get the unfit app at the unfit app store. No, iTunes. Get iTunes. iTunes. Go to iTunes and get

the unfit app and yeah, then we'll have fun together. And when you come to Bisbee, eat vegan food at Poco. If you're in New York, eat vegan food at Poco. If you're in New York, that's sad for you. Kelly will be here.

What else do we have to wrap up? Well, I'll tell you what, though. I did download it, and I already had my first challenge, which was five minutes of lying down, which I did on the break. Yep. Uh, during my vacation, well, the three weeks I'm going to be gone, I will tweet every day. One of my, uh,

one of my challenges. All right. Well, give me one more challenge. Uh, uh, I can't hold my breath. Hold on. Sorry.

Uh, the next one is, you mad, bro. Curse at your reflection for a full minute easy oh jesus yeah a full minute i want to get it down to a minute so there we go that's just off tinfoil that's not even an accurate reproduction of my actual hideous head. That's you looking at the bottom of the pie tin. It's not just enough to be physically unfit. You have to be mentally unfit

as well. It helps. It does, and it's nice to celebrate. I love your idea. For such a fit woman. Look, there's a progress bar, and if you're a visual person, I already feel like I've accomplished something here. Right.

Yeah, it's good. You can level up. I'm loving it. All right. Yeah, well, you should get the Fit app and talk to me on Twitter about it. Unfit. Unfit app. Talk to me on Twitter at Doug Stanhope.

There'll be a link on the show page and, yeah, you'll be able to find it. Yeah, maybe we invite... I'm still holding out this whole idea of inviting a few random people. Now that we've made the Super Bowl party exclusive, I know we're going to get a lot of people saying, I'll do the enema thing. But no. No dudes.

It's a shoulder tap. We could already get Kenny to do that on a fucking Tuesday and there's no game. When you drag your horrible costume to the costume contest during Halloween, they don't take everyone on stage. They tap the shoulder. Hey, this looks good. Yeah. Give me your good idea for your enema.

Oh, we could do paint. You know, there's artists that do that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Enema splatter, like Jackson Pollock, but enema paint. Like a paint cleave. Splatter. All right, we're going to work on this. Let's just go back to cocktailing.

We were doing good with ideas. Kelly Poco, always a pleasure. The OnFit app available now. YouTube, we have the videos. We'll put the links on the page, too. Chaley does all that good shit. He's leaving me again for three weeks. Then Bingo's fucking leaving for the holidays.

And I'm just going to be... I don't know what to do. Except bet football. I'm going to start betting heavily. I'm going to fucking get my gambling addiction back. I have to stoke the fires. All right. I don't know what we close on for music anymore.

Are we done? Is Mishka's album done? I can put it in the Mishka, but if you want to do something in honor of Kelly and Poco and Unfit, I don't know. We should probably talk about this. Do you have any licensed music? We have the music that's in the app.

All right. We'll close on that. No one listens after I say goodbye. Goodbye. And now, bonus footage from the rest of this podcast. See, the best pre-interviews we do is you get drunk the night before, you take cryptic notes, and then you have a hazy memory. So you're like but what was the thing with the thing so yeah you don't remember telling the story again yeah it's not like you're like if

we redid that right now it'll be phony right but if we were drunk the night before like wait what was the thing with the floater right because fucking ed i know you know he law and order yeah that's what we did with margo oh god talk to her yeah so good we're at a bar the night before and just wrote down some cryptic notes yeah i was at a dinner one night at cafe roca with like 10 people or whatever kind of random people um but someone mentioned margo and then everyone had an amazing amazing margogo story. Amazing. Like, one of the best ones was she, her stepson, she was married to a guy, and her stepson was a painter, and he had a show.

And at the show, his stuff was fairly abstract, but she was like, see that painting? He did that after he walked in and saw me blowing his dad on the couch. And then they're like, oh, yeah. I see it now. Wait, is this upside down? She was really proud. Another one had her, like, going down.

There's a house in Old Bisbee that has, like, a million stairs. Well, there's a lot of them. But it was Fourth of July, and they start drinking really early for the coaster races and like 10 o'clock in the morning and she was loaded and she fell down the stairs and she was like in her 60s at the time and she fell down the stairs where the stairs i didn't spill my drink and she didn't spill her drink she's fucking amazing we gotta get her back on the podcast I just know She's very particular About her hours I told you

She's for it I saw her at the Royale show In theory But you don't want to bother her Pat Gann was here last night He's got some good stories evidently We had Electric Dave on Oh god he's got amazing stories stories, evidently. We had Electric Dave on. Oh, God. He's got amazing stories.

Great stories. He gets a little off track. Cedric was great, though, because he could have been a little more vocal to keep on track. But we didn't know where it was going. So years ago, when I quit smoking, I found this online group of people quitting smoking. This was after I went to the Mad Russian in Boston. Do you know about him? Mad Russian is this crazy Russian guy in Cambridge. And he gets groups of people to come and you have to call and make an appointment like months in advance. 30 people in this little room

talks to you for like two hours. Really hard to understand him. This impenetrable Russian accent. And then he makes everyone leave. And then you come in one at a time, and you sit down. He tells you to close your eyes and think about imagine you're smoking, and then he blows on you and tells you you don't smoke anymore. So it's, you know, everyone's like, did it work? And it's like, I think it works because by the time you've taken a day off of work

and taken the train to Boston and had paid some Russian guy $60 to blow on you and tell you you quit smoking, like, you better quit, because that's, like, smoker's rock bottom know lewis black did like acupuncture and quit for a while something or hypnosis or something and then eventually he's like yeah i just spent so much money on it i just had to believe it right exactly as he's smoking so i found this online support group or whatever people people quitting smoking, and it was so crazy and so ridiculous that I kind of got addicted to it for a while.

And I met this woman. How does AA work again? Traded addictions. Yeah, exactly. It's unbelievable. So I met this woman who at the time was a teacher in Rochester, and she got really involved in the whole anti-war thing. And then she eventually quit her job and moved to D.C. and protested with Code Pink full time. And then she was quit her job and moved to DC and protested with Code Pink

full time. And then she was house-sitting for some guy in Georgetown, some rich guy with like a villa in Italy, and she was house-sitting for him. And they ended up getting married. And so she's got this great house in Palm Springs. So I went to visit her in Palm Springs. And they've got someone who looks after the house, like when they're not there. So I met him, his name is Pete. And he's like, oh, Polly told me you live in Bisbee. I'm like, yeah. He goes, do you know a guy named Dave? He brews beer or whatever.

I'm like, yeah, Electric Dave. He goes, yeah, Dave and I were in jail together for years. I was like, really? So I went outside and I called Dave. And I'm like, I'm here with this guy named Pete who knew you from the big house. And he's like, oh, my God, Pete, whatever happened to Pete? I was like, I didn't tell him I was calling you. If you want to talk to him, I'll go in and give him the phone.

So he talked for like an hour and a half or something on my phone. And now they're best buddies. And like Pete comes to see him and Bisbee. Well, they were before. They just reconnected. Right. Yeah, they just, yeah, it's wild. That's my biggest fault with never leaving

is I don't know the people who have great stories. And I know they're out there. Did you listen to The People's History of Bisbee, the audio book? Yeah. I want to do The Other People's History of Bisbee that have all the really fucked up stories. Like the people that they wouldn't talk to? Right. Yeah.

They wouldn't want to have on their CD. Right. Yeah, they talk about how the miners all frowned on the hippies when they moved in well you know what the hippies are doing that to everyone else now they're the new miners

they're really conservative no one gives a fuck about turquoise belt buckles get over yourself you're not making a living for a reason because you don't have a sellable product no one gives a shit it's funny how conservative they all are though you don't have a sellable product. It gives a shit. It's funny how conservative they all are, though. They don't want anything to change, you know?

Right. Yeah, conservative, I guess. Wait a minute. Isn't that how they got here? That's what's so funny. Yeah. Yeah, they're assholes, and they'll be dead, and it'll be New York cunts that run the town. God willing.

You can hope. As long as you're doing the Robin Hood thing like you do and going to New York to make money and bring it back here, which no one seems to appreciate. You're gentrifying. I'm trying to fucking bring some goddamn fucking people in here. We did have those shirts.

Gentrify Bisbee. Yeah, I still have them. I still have them in the Tahoe. I meet them out. We made Gentrify Bisbee shirts with the communist fist with a Rolex on the wrist. Yeah, don't you get them at the thrift store? I give them to the thrift store. Oh, you give them to the thrift store. We get the thrift store shirts, and then I screened on them,

and then he's just taking them out and randomly replacing them. Yeah, I buy 50-cent shirts from the thrift store. He spray paints the logo Gentrify Bisbee, and then we give it back to the thrift store. We just put it on the rack. We have to start dropping them at Tin Town where people really actually need a shirt. At the shelter, yeah. Yeah. Twice in this town in 10 years, I've seen someone with a Doug Stanhope shirt and went,

hey, and waved at Safeway. And I go, what? Like, that's me. And they go, I got this at a thrift store. We bought the Gentrified. That's pretty embarrassing. We bought the Gentrified Bisbee t-shirts in Sierra Vista. And when I brought them home from the Salvation Army,

and they were just cheap 50-cent t-shirts. And when I brought them home, I didn't take the tags off. So you could slip them right back on the rack. Yeah. But I didn't know you were – it doesn't matter. You put something at Penny Lane with a Salvation Army tag on, they're still going to charge you for it. They're going, hey, I can't sell you this. This doesn't look legit.

Well, that's clever, too, because they have quite a backlog at the thrift store. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Boxes and boxes. Yeah. Boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap. If I die, will they ever get on the path? It's Mishka Shabali. Yep.

That's a closing song. We've been taping this. I know. Yeah. I love the way you kept working the mic. I was taking a cue from you. Yeah, well, we still missed the fucking great floater story. Oh.

Your partner, Ed, I still don't know what that kind of partnership involves. Business or pleasure or whatever. But he was a, was or or is or i don't even know the set designer for law and order law and order i was gonna say nypd blue is that the one that says hey let's be careful yeah yeah oh no the other guy the bald guy the old guy out there hey hey be careful out there sipowitz was the bald, the balding guy who showed his ass crack on primetime. Missed that. Spank bank.

Anyway, so yeah, Law and Order, Ed, your partner in crime, was the set designer. You had a game. Tell me about the game, Floaters. We did a game. Tell me about the game Floaters. We did a game called Floater that was based on, it was a set decorator for Law & Order, and they were filming, and it always opens at a crime scene, and so the crime scene was supposed to be this floater in the Hudson River, discover this dead body.

Where they actually find a lot of floating dead bodies. They were filming at a place where bodies, they actually, true to life, were filming at a place where bodies... They actually, true to life, were filming at a place where floaters tend to wash up. It's the perfect Eddie. They all wind up here eventually. What, the current? No, that. That's Eddie. He's floating right there.

Eddie and the swirling Eddie. So they had their dummy floater all ready to go in the water. And they're, like, setting up the shot. And the director starts yelling, like, who put this floater in the water? We're not going to be ready to shoot for an hour. You know. Pissed.

Yeah. Who the fuck put the floater in the water? And they were like, that's not our floater. It's an actual floater. There was a real floater. So then it became a crime scene and they couldn't actually shoot. Wouldn't that be the perfect time to shoot? You'd think.

No, that's a PA that got fired. Who called the cops? Yeah. Now you shut down production. I had a perfect floater. So you made a game out of it. We made a game called Floater where it's your job to take a stick and push a floater down the river and inflict maximum

damage on it to crack its skull, to explode its spleen, and that's how you make points. And sort of the idea is remember your childhood when you go out in the woods and find a dead body and it would keep you entertained all day. You know, that was the basic idea. You remember when?

You find a dead body and you poke it until its spleen bursts? Yeah. Kelly, maybe we should have asked this earlier. What's your background? Your education? I dropped out of the American College in Paris where I was an English major in Paris.

Let's take a moment of silence for Paris. Good enough. It seems like you've had enough education that you could be someone doing a floater game. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah, but it's also someone with such a disturbed sense of humor would give a fuck about a chicken taking a shit on a tarp.

I think it's all elevated i want to back up and say that i should be if not vegan vegetarian i do think yeah eating meat is fucking a horrible thing if you break it down if you're like tripping and you go yeah eat murdered fucking animals. That's a terrible thing. But I'm kind of addicted. It's also terrible that I drink myself to death. There's also eggs in there. Yeah. That's your problem. That's your kryptonite.

You don't care. It's like that's eggs is almost like a stem cell issue. We go fucking think or feel. Who gives a shit about cheese? A good example, hummus walks in the room, you light up. It's not a thing where you have to have the meat or the eggs,

but there are vegetarian options that you probably don't realize until you really sit down and think about it. You're probably about 70% vegetarian already. I could probably do it, but then again, bacon. And you go, bacon. So then I say, well, be vegan except for bacon.

I try my best. I do. The road is horrific because you have limited options on a tight schedule. And when you're in middle America, you're in fucking Muncie, and you're at a Flying J truck stop. Yeah, there's not a lot of good vegan options. I'll agree with that. There's not, yeah. You eat sandwiches out of a triangle plastic package.

Why are you eating there? Because you're in a hurry. It really is what it is. You're in a hurry to die? Yes. Actually, yes. Donuts are vegan, right? Often they are, yeah.

I mean, you could eat a lot of crappy shit that could substitute. Subway has lots of vegan options. Yes, we do. I know. It's barbaric. And at some point in history, you'll look back and go, wow, I can't believe that fucking chicken hauler I just passed on Highway 95. And you're looking at them jammed in and their little tiny beaks and heads. No, their beaks are cut off, actually.

Cut off without anesthesia. They don't make it to the hole. I didn't look that close because I was about to stop at a Popeye's up the road on a fucking, because I didn't want to eat at Burger King, and that was my only other choice in the travel center. So, yes, I should be vegetarian, but I'm not yet. Well, you've got the 30-day vegan challenge coming up. Yeah, as soon as you're shit in the Indian corner.

If I do the enema, will you go vegan for 30 days? Yes, absolutely. Really? That's a fucking handshake. That's a contract. Perfect. All right, that'shake. That's a contract. That. Perfect. All right. That's the end of the bonus track.

That's how much I love animals. Oh, my God. We need to get like a modesty skirt first. I was going to say. I'm going to need some more drawing. Some little girl skirt. Well, listen. This is the issue.

Okay. It needs to be revealing enough to give you some privacy, but not enough that you can cheat. You know what I mean? How about we do it musical chair style so she has to keep

moving with a blindfold and then she has to shove corn up your ass. We'll let you do that. Or your partner, Tom. A dozen kernels. Ed.

Ed. It might be a business partner. Well, he can take care of business. If he's good with accounting, a dozen kernels, 11 are yellow, one's blue. If the blue lands on, double the money. Yes. House will cover. No, no.

The blue is the fucking magic wand. Oh. Oh. Got it. We have a colonic spa here in town. You know, we could probably get that. Really? Plug them.

Yeah. I mean. I mean, what? So to speak. I think we're going to need a professional we'll get Anne-Marie to do it Anne-Marie should do the colonic alright

are you talking sponsorship or someone actually coming down and say it again are you talking sponsorship from the colonic spa or like someone coming down and actually doing it just a professional assist I think I'm seeing an advertising opportunity from the colonic spa or like someone coming down and actually doing it? Yeah, just have a professional. I'm seeing an advertising opportunity. Every angle, come on. New York?

Come on. You know what I'm talking about. Will you wear a chicken mask? Yes. Yes, in fact. I think we need a whole chicken costume, actually. Oh, that's the song! The chicken dance! I think we need a whole chicken costume actually that's the song the chicken dance

if you can do it on the third clap alright let's wrap it up I thought having a vegan restaurant in a town of 5,000 people was my activism, but it turns out that I didn't even hire a calling. You're the highlight at Super Bowl right now, and no one even knows it. This is going to be like when you're going to have to put all the phones in a bag. You know what I'm saying?

Totally. I love that, too. I love that, too. Phones in the bag. This is so good. Where you're wearing a chicken mask and a skirt. No one's going to know who you are. It makes everyone realize how serious this is.

Oh, yeah, it does. It does sell. Amps it. Amps it up. Everyone puts their phone in the bag or you're fucking out the gate. Some dude spent $2,400 to be at the Super Bowl. Okay, he can film. Hold up, hold up.

I shouldn't say some dude. I should read his name. Jonathan Douche. Deutsch. Deutsch. Deutsch. All right, that's a podcast. I don't know what this was.

This just kept going. I know. So feather that in somehow. We're a somehow over time boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap If I die now, they will never get undone I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine 2003, Bill Tartan, I see you dating now

Sweet child of mine And that nightstand I built for you And I not stand I built for you Is it lonely for me Alone in your bedroom Does it cry at night Or does it understand As you tremble underneath your human sins

I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine 2003 to 1989 of mine 2003 just like 1989 sweet child of mine all those

messages that you've been receiving That I can't remember leaving It's a small relief still It's a good thing You're deleting without listening. They disappear like pennies down a wishing well. Tiny good intentions on the road to hell.

But I'll go bankrupt And that well will overflow Before you'll forgive me And let me come home I can't remember When you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember when you were mine. No, I can't remember when you were mine. I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine

No, I can't remember when you were mine. 2003 feels like 1989. Bye.