The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #117: Christmas Night Podcast

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

It's a Christmas Night Podcast with everyone who showed up at the Funhouse. Doug talks about the upcoming book, Andy not giving a fuck and changing names to protect the lawyers. Pre-Order Doug's book “DIGGING UP MOTHER” through Amazon at  http://amzn.to/1NXiQy5 Send Doug your "Most Annoying Man" ideas to [e-mail]. If your suggestion is used you will receive a bottle of Tio Ceddy's and bragging rights.Donations to Chaille can be sent through this link (here.) and are always appreciated. Thank you.Recorded Dec. 25, 2015 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Franck, Cara, Jobi, Castle Rock Kenny Jobi and the rest. Engineered by Shawnee. Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).LINKS -Make that Bloody Mary count! Use  TIO CEDDY'S - http://www.tioceddy.com/    EP#1 – ANDY'S ANDRIST - http://bit.ly/1P2Cgl9Closing Songs, "The Christmas Song" by The Mattoid. Check out The Mattoid on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I don't know about my face, sir. I will ruin all of that. Okay. Hey, does anyone mind if we podcast? Yeah, fuck you. Thank you. If you want to chime in at any time, try to just walk in and get on a mic.

Don't mutter under your breath. Yell or get on a mic. Don't mutter under your breath. Yell or get on a mic. Yeah, no, exactly. That was my point in not doing it, but we need to get a podcast out. It's a Christmas night podcast at the Funhouse with a bunch of people.

Hi, people. Thank you very much. I have such a wealth of I was gonna say something like really nice like so nice to have you all for friends but I would just it would sound disingenuous fucking sappy thank you all for being here

we got a bunch of people Joby's on the mic Shawnee's sitting in the Chaley seat cause Chaley fucking left, Shawnee's sitting in the Chaley seat, cause Chaley fucking left me Shawnee forced my hand into doing a podcast, because we're overdue and Shawnee even

fixed my internet, so now I can watch, what's it called, every fucking person is tweeting me about this on Netflix Murders Making a Murderer Yes, now I can finally watch it. Because Chaley, you know what? You should move into Black Knob.

And when Chaley gets back in January, no, no, I'm the new Chaley. You can even have his weird hairstyle. Get a toupee. Wear his suits. With your long arms hanging way past. Ripped back. So, yeah, it's day two i guess of the christmas party which what'd you do last night what last night we did this

hung around a bunch of people food and drinking but people left early last night and tonight i i go oh it's way bigger energy. But it's only 8 o'clock at night. Not even. But we've been going since 9 in the morning. So, yeah. When you wake up and you have that alcohol reek coming off you, the stink lines of it, I feel that now.

I haven't even slept yet. So, yeah. It should be a good night. Shawnee's going to... I'm just going to get shit out of the way that I have in notes. Shawnee is going to Portland. Yep. And you're... Visiting my mother.

For the entire month of January, basically. So I know we have a lot of Portland people. Shawnee does sound, and he wants to, just for fun, I get to call it Dante's, Frank at Dante's. But yeah, if you know a bar where Shawnee can just run sound for fun,

he's not even trying to make money. I know he's a weird dude that has ambition and energy, and likes to do stuff, like make me podcast during a perfectly good Christmas party. So, yeah, email me and I'll forward it to you. I've never emailed you. We don't really have that kind of relationship. We just come over.

Someone fucking knocked at my door yesterday. It was Bruce's kids with a card and candy canes the neighbor across the street and i was terrified because someone knocked on my door and i everyone just walks in like if you knock that means i don't know you are you the cops is the first thought always or jehovah's witness a second thought but ever since i stole that thing from becker that it's a magnet that it's on the fence and it's a like a religious like the like a walk don't walk kind of sign with religious people with a cross with a circle and a cross and they've never fucked with me since i put that up the best deal i ever and by the way fucking scott and kirsten

you have to put english on your name like a fucking pool ball kirsten it's true this is how you because i get uh more and more emails all the time evidently get more and more emails all the time. Evidently, Rogan, one time four years ago on Rogan's podcast, I said, yeah, so anyone can just show up at your house for football? Like, yeah, I don't care. Like, no one did. And then that got out of control one Super Bowl, and we have a blanket rule against it, And we announce on our podcast all the time.

That's done. There's no more open invites for anything. It's fucking private party. Well, evidently, Scott listens to Rogan's podcast all the time. Rogan keeps saying this out loud all the time. Oh, you listen to Rogan's podcast, too. That it's an open invite. And I just think when people tweet me, they're listening to

old Rogan episodes. No, he keeps saying that. So please tell Rogan to stop saying that. It's a yearly invite. It won't happen. I could fucking text him myself, but it's funnier if you guys do it out there in listener land. We could do it on his own podcast

group that he doesn't pay any attention to. Just get it out there in listener land. We could do it on his own podcast group that he doesn't pay any attention to. Just get it out there. Is Kenny shitting on Rogan? No. He'll come here. No. I did not shit on Rogan. I actually listened to Rogan.

You shit to the side of him. Well, I'm not going to tell you that if it was true. But anyways. Yeah, so people do contact me a lot. Well, I'm not going to tell you that if it was true. But anyways. Yeah. So, yeah. So people do contact me a lot. And I've made it clear on the podcast. Hey, me and my fiance, Melissa, we're going to San Jose from Maine.

We're going to come through in April. Can we stop by for a beer? I don't know what the fuck. If you're in town, you're literally in town for other reasons and you email me and I'm in the mood, then I'll say, yeah, come over.

And that's, yeah, it's a long shot. But that's what Scott and Kirsten did. And there's only five of us. It's Christmas Day and there's five or and Kirsten did. And there's only five of us. It's Christmas day. And there's five or six of us sitting around and I go, what do you think?

Should I, should we let a fans come by? And I went, fuck it. It's Christmas. I said, give me your number. And I called him with a blocked.

That's the fucking problem. You call someone with a, without blocking your number they drunk dial you till you're fucking dead and they text you dumb shit and then you go through all your texts to see how do i know this person yeah i texted him once it was an opening act from fucking georgia, and then we got drunk. And I went, hey, thanks for that. And I go, yeah, thanks.

And then a million texts for two years. Anyway. So, yeah, that's what they did. Do the nice thing. I'm like, yeah, yeah, you can stop by. And then they come over and I immediately break out glasses and go, what are you drinking? Oh, we can't drink. We still have to go all the way to Phoenix. We're moving from Texas.

You're not staying over? No, no, we can't. Bet they are now. You have 15 minutes and you're going to either leave or you're going to stay over. You're not going to sit here and not drink. That's a buzzkill for everyone

and it's Jesus' birthday. And they're great folks we've only had a couple of yeah people all right you're way overstaying your welcome or you're just a douche and the fucking the one we were talking about the drug out the oh yeah the. The one Chad dragged out. He basically killed the open invite for football. And if it wasn't him, it was the open miker that tried to steal booze.

The Tucson open miker that stole booze at the Super Bowl and he's stashing this fucking bottom shelf plastic jug whiskey. You could just take it. plastic jug whiskey and you're you could just take it but the fact that you're stealing it trying to be undercover

about it poorly dude you can't do that yeah there's no open invite but if you're in town anyway please visit Bisbee spend some of your money here Joby's here from Oklahoma. Get some time off from the dead

sister. He's been taking care of the dead sister's kids out there in Oklahoma, but had to fly out for the holidays to take care of his dying mother. You're fucking... You put the Job in Joby. Oh, bam! Bada bing. Yeah, she... Mom voided the warranty on my empathy this week.

So, yeah, I'm done. Yeah, I can't return it. It's over. Joby shows up today, and he says he walked in with that face of, and said, yeah, I don't want to fuck up your quote. Yeah, having a mom that's alive is a young man's game.

It's awful, yeah. I called you for Christmas Eve last night because there was a bunch of people here. Where are you at? I haven't seen you in a few days. And you said, just wheeling my mother around in a wheelchair because my life stinks or something.

Yeah, it's my lot in life. Yes. That's what I do now on vacation. Joby lived his life to not have responsibility. Just went out of his life to not have responsibility just went out of his way to not have kids have a wife and just everyone around him fucking dies crumbles their problems on him and he's too nice to say no i didn't have those kids fuck him them. Put them in foster care. No, he moves to Oklahoma. I'll do the right thing.

Hospice care slash babysitter. It's got to be fun. So, yeah, I don't know who to put on the mic. I want to put the out-of-towners. Yeah, come on. Eat food. Out-of-towners. What do we got?

And, well, I definitely want to talk to you, but that can wait. Do you want to... Finish with them? No, Carrie Bean. No, Carrie Bean. I think that should be... I want to get your whole backstory.

You're here for a while. Oh, Lord. Yeah, that would be fun. You have some... You're in the punk rock scene Oh, Lord. Yeah, that would be fun. The visitor has to get in. You were in the punk rock scene in New York from 79 to 81. I was in London then. London, whatever it was. It was punk rock era, and you were... Were you in a band or tour managing?

I was in a gay sex shop and I was at Drama School. A gay sex shop? Gay sex shop and Drama School. Yes, that's definitely your own podcast. Yep. Come. Yep. Come on up. Frank and Cara are down. Frankie.

Cara. I just changed the pronunciation for you. That's our Montreal friends that Frank does all our Canadian tour shit, and we've been friends forever. And today, his wife, Cara, if it's not been coined, it's coined now the term

Plumber's Thong. You guys, the thong all the way up to the... Not just the T, you could see to the, not just the T. You could see the. It's a capital T. Yeah, the I of the T of thong. The whales fail. Yeah, all the way down.

And I said, you're showing some plumber's thong. And she went, oh. And instead of pulling her pants up she pulled her t-shirt down i go a plumber would pull his pants up it's easier so uh where where where do we go uh fuck all right here's some other announcements i'm just gonna do this whole podcast announcements and then whatever else I come up with. But we're supposed to have started this already. T.O.

Setties is a new sponsor. Betty has, it's chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, chipiltapine, Chiltepine. His way sounds better. Whatever. Chiltepine peppers. Fire water.

Yeah. How else would you describe it? It's hot pepper water. Pepper water with garlic onions. It's tasty. It's magnificent. It makes the most incredible Bloody Mary. And they started this.

They do it out of their house. And they're bottling it. You said it in rice. It's anything.'s yeah it's great for a lot of shit but i don't do popcorn and i don't i don't drink bloody mary's but i do since they have to cities chipilta bean juice or whatever it's called give me a bottle and i have to make it i'd even pronounce that it's great it's whatever chipilta. It sounds good. It doesn't matter. Well, Cedric had this fucking brilliant idea for a commercial as a spoof of the most interesting man in the world.

And instead, it's going to be the most annoying man in the world. And I am the most annoying man in the world. And Chad Shank is going to do the voiceover for the commercials, I'm just too lazy to write the fucking jokes. You just have to spoof, he's the most interesting man in the world. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to put it on you, the listeners, write the fucking jokes.

He's that annoying that he's... I had one. What the fuck? One. Yeah. Shit. Chalkboards scratched their nails across him or whatever. Something like dumb shit.

I'm not going to sit down. I don't even have an act anymore since I taped that special. If I'm going to work on jokes, it's not going to be for fucking. He's the most annoying man in the world commercials. So you, the listener, email me those jokes, Doug at DougStanhope.com and if we use

your joke in one of these commercials that you're writing, then we'll give you a free bottle of T.O. Setti's. Oh, good. Yeah, get a picture. So T.O. Setti's. Oh, good. Yeah, get a picture. So T.O. is uncle in Spanish and Setti is short for Cedric. So C-E-

D-D-Y or I- Setti. C-E-D-D-Y. Yes. I can read the back description for you and give you a good example of what this really is made of. Google it because they have a Twitter account. I don't know. They said they're set up to ship. Are was doing it out of their house this is nurse betty that's been on the podcast she's not a marketing person no but they said they're ready to ship when you start

ordering this shit it tells you how to pronounce chiltepin right here just just so you know next time you can describe chiltepin you can actually right. Chapiltepin. I like Chapiltepin. It's better. Chiltepin. Put that extra fucking syllable. It sounds way better. No one knows what a Chiltepin is. So why if I change it to Chapiltepin?

A Chipotable. How about Chipotapotapin? Oh, Lord. I don't know if it's a P. Say that five times fast. Chipotapin. Can't even say it once. You eat it Chipotle.

Obviously. But if I said Rutabaga and you go, no, it's a T, not a D. I thought it was a rutabaga or a rutabaga. It doesn't matter. It's a Chipotle. It's fucking good and a Bloody Mary. And everything else. And rice.

And someone suggested putting it in one of the ice cream drinks. And I went, nah, it's a little. That was me. That's too much. Kenny always goes too far. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Frank and Derek wearing similar red Union Jack onesie long johns with butt flaps. Twinsies.

I love aqua chiltepine with pineapple juice. You're crazy. Ah. Ah. Can everyone do a Derek impression now? Exactly. I like to tilt-a-peen. I love brie. It makes my poo burn.

What'd you say? Huh? It's 420 poco kelly is here who has committed to do the human chicken drop to stop the chicken from having to go through the humiliation of shitting outdoors in front of folks. Okay, so you're going to try to kidnap the chicken? That's how much she loves animals. All right, so she's going to wear a chicken

mask and a kilt. Take an enema with a... Whatever, it's something. You're not going to be exposing yourself. I would not degrade you as a woman. I'm going to wear a kiltapine. Kiltapine?

Jesus Christ. We'll logo you up like a NASCAR driver. UFC fighter. A kiltapine. A kiltapine. Yeah, there has to be a marker in the enema, like a golden kernel of corn or a class ring. Why not do three separate colors and do first, second, third place?

You're always, this is why Deadpool stinks, because you put that fucking rule in where every month you can change up. I know that's good for business, but yeah, I don't have that kind of time to spend it once a year. Oh, like she has the ass for that? I mean, like she can't put in extra kernels? No, I'm just saying you make it too confusing. Then you have to do math. No, you don't. No, it's 100 squares.

I guess we do 100 squares for the... Alright, we'll talk about the details. Alright. But yeah, she's gonna take an enema, get in a 12 by 12 cage with 100 squares gridded out. Everyone buys a ticket or five or five. And if she shits on your number when she can't hold that enema any longer, let's do red, white and blue for America and have her do the chicken drop during the national anthem. The worst song ever of the Super Bowl. And then shit's red, white, and blue.

I don't think it's going to come out red, white, and blue, though. It might go in red, white, and blue, but it's going to come out brown. You know what? We experiment every year. It came out all brownish purple. Either way, she's going to need to see a doctor. We'll have a doctor on staff the same way we have a licensed contractor that built my house. Just someone who's good at stuff.

Credentials abound. This won't hurt a bit. Don't worry. We have an acupuncturist over there. Susanna can be on site. She sticks needles in my back when I'm shit-faced, trying to stay awake for the night game. She can make sure your anus is fine afterwards.

Get in there with a miner's cap with a spotlight. Mile High Gardens, that specialize in colonics, might be your new sponsor. Oh! You just fucking haven't said a word, but you already dropped a plug. I am all about plugs, apparently. Or unplug.

So yeah, that's we'll have live coverage of that. We'll film that for sure. That's why we're going to put you in a chicken mask. So even if you chicken out as joe b said uh we'll still say it's you yeah and then we'll just get the fattest hairiest dude and put a chicken mask on him and a skirt i already see where this is going i know what i'm wearing kenny is my new best friend. You have nice legs, actually.

That's what they all say. You have to see Kenny's ass. He has this hairless lady ass. His ass is so good. He was changing into swim trunks one day. Derek, I need more liquor. Born to be a body double. And we saw his ass and and then we're like,

everyone had to come see his ass. It was glorious. Yeah, he was like a Thailand whore on the first day. A free whore. Pulling his pants down awkwardly while people are looking at his ass. Oh, you haven't seen Kenny's ass yet? Look, it's like a lady's ass.

All perfectly round and hairless. Besides Doug hyping it up, my girlfriend really hyped it up, so it was no shame. Kenny, I think we need to make a side deal here. Oh, shit. Super Bowl. I don't know why I'm hyping the Super Bowl. I start by telling you, no, you're not invited.

And then we're going to keep talking about it. Frank, get in here. Here's who we know is coming down. There is going to be a show on Saturday night for the public at the Royale. I can't guarantee. They said they were going to do a Super Bowl party their own, but we're going to do a show Saturday before Super Bowl Sunday with Jeff Tate,

Brett Erickson, Junior Stopka, and I know Christine Levine and Andy Andrus say they're coming. I don't know that they'll be on that show. We're going to do our own show here on Friday here at the Funhouse.

So we're going to have to break it up. But those are guaranteed. Jeff Tate, the fucking monster, Brett Erickson, and everyone loves Junior Stopka. And Andy Andrist. We got to put him on the fucking kids table show on Friday because he's such a loose cannon. Frank, our Montreal guy, you just went and visited him in his which is

really weird if you know andy to see him in his like home environment he's a yeah i don't know what to expect yeah he's a white picket fence guy they just his neighbors don't know that he's a weirdo that goes through their stuff he actually goes into his neighbor's houses and breaks in to steal some pills yeah i know i know she's she smokes weed because i was i was in her bathroom once because i knew she's at work and uh and that's like the part of the story that he's not even telling, like on his way to some pointlessness. Wait, you break into your neighbor's house and steal her weed and pills. But that wasn't the point. The point was some other dumb shit about how she parks illegally or something.

So you went there. Yeah, it's weird seeing him in his own environment one of my favorite things about him is uh he really cares about the environment which you wouldn't guess from watching his act but he uh he saw some kids that uh i think they threw some trash out the window as they were driving so i did he tell it before i well he told it in an andy andrest way where you go well i heard it from a very andy way so it's probably gonna come out the same way but yeah so kids threw some shit out the window so he uh picked it up and followed them to their house no he found their address in the found their address in the trash and went to the

house and made up some story like you lost a wallet. Well, what he did is he broke into the car, dumped some trash in the car, and went to their house. But because he grabbed all their shit, he stole one of their backpacks and took it with him. And his story, when he was going to bring everything back to the kids, was that a homeless person, like, he's like, I saw some homeless dude do that.

So what he did is he took the backpack and pissed on it, just so it would actually be believable. Smell like a homeless person, like he's like, I saw some homeless dude do that. So what he did is he took the backpack and pissed on it just so it would actually be believable when he'd bring the shit. So he pissed on the bag and just brought a bag. So I saw some homeless guy around. He was rummaging through your shit. This is your bag. Sorry, it kind of smells like piss, but I think it's what he did with it. So it's just the kind of shit that he's going to do. Just drive around and do that kind of stuff.

Well, Andy, one of the only benefits about getting old, I was talking to Carrie Bean about it, there you are, is not giving a fuck. And Andy looks like the old dude next door. He doesn't, you know, he looks like a normal you know uh just a a guy that's given up but i mean he looks like a normal old neighbor guy he doesn't look like a fucking weirdo so he's completely believable if he knocks on your door and goes i was out jogging and some homeless guy had found this does this belong to you you'd go

if you don't know him, you'd believe him. Yeah, he's a PTA guy. He looks like a... I feel like, though, after like three seconds of talking to Andy, you would realize that he's like not all there, you know? But not if he's a stranger. If he's a stranger, just mumbling guy,

you just go... But he is because he just mumbles and you're like, none of this makes any goddamn sense. What are you saying right now? You pissed on my bag? What? No, he didn't tell him he pissed on his bag.

No, I know, but I feel like... He's like, oh like i was just jogging to like go down mutter just was that oh this is cara oh well it doesn't matter i thought you're telling me to tell her to speak up all right so uh so you you how long did you stay at the Andy residence? Three days, I think. He's like, it's hiking and he goes jogging. It's weird, but he does all of it while packing a bowl and smoking. He drives around town. It was fucking awesome. Just fucked up.

I mean, if anyone's about him, he's fucked up when he's at his most sober. I have a story. I had to do a conference call with the lawyers for the book and fearing the worst and uh i had to change almost every name there's one story about a guy who had a i don't even want to give shit away but i had to change for the most pointless reasons some guy i refer to as an imbecile in a nice way he's like uh lenny from mice and men some completely ancillary character from 1985 when i and his name was antar from chicago and they go well is that his real name i go as far as i know it wasn't that close it's just it was a beat in a story well you do call him an imbecile.

There's any possible way you can get sued. There's one story that they fucking ruined, and I didn't even rewrite it. I just rewrote the end going, oh, lawyers fucked up this part, but ask me in person or I'll tell you on stage. But there's an Andy story with mother where andy he's married like he's been married he's been married forever and i'm like you sure you want me to use your real name and the lawyer's talking about are they sure is that guy sure i'm like, I, I took his last name out and I refer to him in the beginning of the book. And then when that story comes up, it could be another friend to Andy,

but he's just so awesome. Like he just doesn't give any fucks. Like I really feel like his life, he just lives it the way he wants to live it. And he doesn't give any fucks at all. That's the problem. When it's someone like Andy, he is sometimes you have to give a

fuck on his behalf yeah you have to rein him in you know self-defeating it's just like i went back in after the third or fourth time i called him after the lawyer thing i just again you are you sure first of all there's no need for your last name in this. I want to name check you as my friend, but you don't want that story. But you've been on the road with Andy. It's basically babysitting the entire time. You can't leave him on his own. I can't bring him on the road now that we're actually selling tickets and stuff. He and I had to swap clothes before a gig because he got thrown out of the bar before we played the show in Ottawa.

And the bouncer wouldn't let him in, even though he was the headliner. Because he was smoking weed with an underage girl. So he and I walked back behind the venue, swapped clothes. I don't know what age do you have to be to smoke weed with an underage girl. How old does she have to be? Smoking weed should already be illegal. I don't understand what age do you have to be to smoke weed with an underage girl. How old does she have to be? Smoking weed should already be illegal. I don't understand what you're saying. And I just swapped clothes out back and walked through the front door again.

Parted his hair on the other side. And just walked in with two other people to kind of look like a little group. That's what you have to do when you take care of Andy. Put on blackface and get a posse. Because Andy, you're going too far again the baseball hell is enough all this to say we love Andy Andrus by the way

yes absolutely just in case he's listening and he thinks we're being mean we're not you just said he doesn't care about anything he's still crazy but we still love him I can't bring him on the road just it's too much work it's fucking sean rouse they all i tell him this to his face like you're unbookable but you you

he took you hiking oh we're gonna go up to this blue it's gonna be like 40 minutes it's gonna be fine eight miles fucking later i almost died disappears yeah and he fucked off he just disappeared where's out in nature and jerks off, and you're like, where did Andy go? I guess he's jerking off in nature. I guess we sit here in some weird path in Oregon. Is this guy single? It depends on the night.

I think Ish is the right answer. He's got a wife that has Chester's Erdheim disease, some brain disorder. So that's when I said, listen, this story, I know it's a long time ago, but that story in the book, you have a wife. Yeah, well, she's half blind with Chester Erdheim, so I don't think she's going to be reading books anytime soon.

She's not going to be reading books anytime soon. I'm doing fucking Rodney Dangerfield while I'm trying to do Andy Andrews. It's really the same thing. I'm muttering a mouth. Yeah, no, he holds the mic like a rapper and goes, here's a weird thing because... Visual comedy on a podcast.

Doesn't quite work. No. But, uh... Yeah, he's always fun to be with a small Pomeranian stole her blow after we baited that pedophile in Florida

no no back up see I forget you're there thanks we all forget friends around Andy and I saw Doug when we we were going to the hotel. We were going to stay.

We saw you drive by and yelled, Stanhope. And you waved and kept driving, thinking we were fans yelling your name. He's like, yeah, I'm in Florida randomly. Yeah, I'm in a Goodwill in Florida trying to cross one of those strip mall highway fucking every Florida highway. Stan Hope, yeah, that's me. I got it. Hi. I figured if you're my friends, you might stop and pick me up. You were in the car.

Oh, I was? I don't remember. That's what we assumed when you drove by. Yeah, but anyways. Yeah, but I was there for that whole thing. Wait, a Pomeranian stole my glow. Get back to that. After we baited the guy and filmed the whole thing,

you were leaving on tour. If you don't know what we're talking about, go back to podcast one. Easy to remember. That's Andy tells a story about how we baited the guy that molested him when he was a kid. Yeah, so we celebrated. And Andy's thing is he'd we baited the guy that molested him when he was a kid. So, yeah, so we celebrated. And Andy's thing is he'd never been to the Keys.

So he wanted to go to the Florida Keys after. Jesus, this story. So after we baited him, you were going on tour. I think you were going to Seattle or something. But Chris Castles, who was filming, Andy and I took the rental car and drove down to the Keys. One of your fans from the show in Orlando or wherever the night before said, like, she was living somewhere in the Keys, so we crashed at their place. And we got some blow from her.

Somehow didn't do all of it that night. And he went to bed and put in his wallet, woke up the next morning, and the wallet's on the floor, and it's open. He's like a fucking girl sold us some drugs and like just stole it back he's going through the money still there but the drugs are gone and he's like starts getting pissed i'm sleeping on the couch and when he comes out the only reason i believed him because if someone's told me a drug a dog stole my drugs like i'd be like yeah fuck you like you just decided to stay up jerking off and doing some blow but I woke up to the dog staring at me

with a baggie of blow stuck to it's paw and when I pulled it away from it's paw you could tell it's been gnawed so the dog was just wired on the couch just staring at me that sounds like Andy super glued it to the dog's paw and it tried to gnaw the fucking thing off

so that's what happened and then we drove around the keys and he just asked everyone super glued it to the dog's paw and it tried to gnaw the fucking thing off. That's what happened. Then we drove around the Keys and he just asked everyone. Did he ditch you for like hours? We lost him in Miami on our way down to the Keys. How can you lose a person in a car? It's Andy. Did he disappear?

We pulled over on the strip and I had some margaritas and some bar. Then he went to get some food. And some guy named L.E.K., I think it was some rapper, who was making up this story about smoking some weed with Wu-Tang way back when. And he took Andy to buy him a sub. And he's like, Andy, can you buy me a sub? I was like, sure. The guy took a footlong on a six-inch.

Andy was pissed about that. The guy convinced him to buy him a pair of sunglasses. So Andy bought him some sunglasses. And Andy's phone died. So he's wandering aimlessly, being Andy Andrist around Miami. I can't call him. I have no way of reaching him. And I just wandered around for about.

He's one of the several people. I know Christine Levine, Andy Andrus that never pick up their phone when you need them to. Like, I'm going to pick you up at the airport. Why would you not have your phone on? My phone was off. That's when you turn it. That's why you have the fucking thing. Why do you carry that around? If you don't use it when it that's why you have the fucking thing why do you carry that around if you

don't use it when it's necessary you fucking ask that's just one of the many reasons i couldn't tour with fucking andy andrews unless he did unless he was doing it himself all right you follow my car and if you show up at the show and we'll have an extra comedian in case you don't show up because you were jerking off in a fucking highway rest area. And all of a sudden two guys came in and you recognize one, but you didn't recognize him. And then the other guy had a thing. And you're like, where is this story going, Andy? I don't know. Well, you didn't make the show.

I love when he does call back. He always starts mid story. He's been talking to you as the phone's ringing, so when you answer, he's just already talking. He's telling the story, and you need to catch up. During the beginning of the story, and he didn't stop. I just realized the first time I came here, this was the guy that talked my head off for two hours outside of your compound.

That's him. Only two hours, though? That's the one I won about the molestation. Yes. Yeah, this is Caribbean, who's also been molested, but she's a separate podcast. You're doing pretty well. I get my own.

You get special treatment. So, yeah, Andy's in the book. I took his last name out, but you'll know what we're talking about. Hey, pre-order that fucking book. I took his last name out, but you'll know what we're talking about. Hey, pre-order that fucking book. They... I hate to cover. It's called Digging Up Mother. That's the final title. I settled

for that. The title in my head was the long version of a suicide post-it note. That's too long. It's confusing. Well, not if you put the fucking post-it note where she says, Doug Payne is too much. That was one of her early suicide attempts. She left a post-it note, and we go over.

She tried on her own, then needed your help? Well, at the end, she had no choice. Well, I know the story there, but she tried before a couple times. What color was the post-it that makes a difference? Pink. Wow. She didn't really want to go out.

I got the yellow for sure. If you use pink for suicide, no, you don't really want to go out if you use pink for a suicide no you don't really want to go out it's a cry for help it's what was close it's pink it's urgent it's no way yeah my fucking i even took a picture i've made a mock-up of the what the cover should be they want me on the cover like i'm not selling books i'm fucking ugly and no one knows me why do you want me on the fucking cover so i made a mock-up of what the cover should be it's my first book when i started comedy i didn't know how to fight battles you can't say fuck so i'd go up and not say fuck at first and then no then later no my. The next book, no. I don't care if I have to self-publish. Anyway.

So yeah, the fucking title stinks and the cover looks like fucking me, stupid. Is the book any good? I don't know. I have no idea. Is it just you with your thumbs up? Like, yeah. No, it's me with a shovel in the ground.

Really? Fucking dirt. It's so on the nose, it's me with a shovel in the ground. Really? Fucking dirt. It's so on the nose. It stinks. It should just have been just the sticky note. It got to a point where you're like, all right, writing the book was so fucking hard. And then you get to, oh, months later,

and now we're going to go back and finger fuck. Call it whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, it's the book I wrote, but... They want to sell it to chicks. Their whole point is to sell it to people who are not my fans. And I understand that, but I only give a shit about my fans.

But is it like you in one of your suits with a shuttle? Yeah, a pink suit. That's what all the women want. I don't know. What's the angle? If you're trying to sell a book that Doug Stano wrote about his mother living with her, all the stories, and you're trying to sell that to people who aren't his fans, what's their angle on that?

I have no idea. I've never been in the book industry. But he's got a pink suit. Women will love this. Cara, I wouldn't buy it if it was pink. I mean, I don't even like pink. It's just... But he's got a pink suit. Women will love this. Cara, I wouldn't buy a bit of pink. I mean, I don't even like pink. It's a fucking nice suit.

Oh, you gotta see the suit. I mean, I might buy just based on the cover. It's got my head on the top of it. That's a... You're gonna have to work harder than that.

Yeah, no, I'm saying that's the drawback of... Anyway. So, yeah, that book, the fucking lawyers, the lawyer was a a female lawyer and she was very complimentary at the beginning of the conference call no you know aside from you know i hope i don't you know heard it too much with our notes but i i really enjoyed reading it

and uh it's a really good book and and then we're going through it chronologically okay we're just going to stop uh start at the beginning uh this uh girl you had sex with when you're nine is that her real name uh yes and no okay again i don't care no one knows changing a name doesn't hurt the veracity of the story except for the one fucking main one i can't i'm not gonna give this away yet but at one point she goes okay it's a long conference call and 40 minutes in she goes all right now we're on chapter 17 and there's a pause and she says oh this is just disgusting surprise it took until chapter 17 she goes out of a she wouldn't even read she said out of a hotel window and i'm like she's cool with it she's patty she's cool with that story she i told her that

story's gonna be in it we're still really good friends yeah she's good with it but it was great because there's a bunch of people on the conference call chapter Chapter 17? Oh, that's disgusting. It's just disgusting. But there were notes like, you're really hard on your stepsister. Like, you called her this, you called her this, and then later you called her a cunt.

Like, this is just personal. I'd love to see her defend that in court, that she's not a greasy fucking milk-fed fat version of Kathy Griffin. Fight on the stand why you're not a cunt. Fucking kick my dad. I punched her in the face. Fucking. Anyway, there's a lot of stuff in the book.

Let's fucking wrap this up and get back to this party. I punched her in the face. I fucking, anyway, it's a, there's a lot of stuff in the book. Uh, let's fucking wrap this up and get back to this party. I get, hang on. What do I do? I have notes. Pop. Oh,

Hey, you know what? I only a few times have I ever asked you to jump on board with a project with the go fund me's, which I don't even do anymore. Cause they're too ubiquitous. Wow. Thank you.

Thank you. Big words on Christmas night. Santy Claus left that mice talking. I just re-gifted it to the listeners. But one of the things that you did put over the top which was a dead salmon in the gofundme pool was help us restore the toilets so where's the fucking thing i got it the warren ballpark where the bisbee killer termites will play soon. Front page. Where is it? Is this the one?

Yeah. No, it's not. Someone had it. Anyway, it's a front page of the Bisbee observer because you raised the seed money. They got the funding. So toilets will be restored at the Warren ballpark.

So when we field the killer termites, eventually you will have a proper place to piss or shit because a few of you yeah they had to make so much money and they had raised about none and then i tweeted it you guys fucking came strong and i appreciate that uh what uh appreciate that uh what uh that's it i'm fucking i got nothing else remember these things the most annoying man in the world just go youtube those commercials and just parody for the most annoying man in the world and we will send email me your joke with your address or your jokes. You can sit there all day when you're fucking plunking away at your keyboard and your cubicle going, I could do that.

He makes it seem easy. He's not even funny. Yeah, put your address in the email. And if we use your joke in the commercials that Chad Shank will have to show up for, you'll A, get Chad Shank doing a beautiful voiceover of that commercial spoof, and we'll have a million of them that we can just drop in to podcasts, and you'll get free T.O. Sedis.

Maybe we'll even give you a free book deal. The book companies say, I had to do a marketing meeting. Oh, it's fucking atrocious. They're just using all this marketing terminology well was it synergistic is that what oh you had a big word in your stocking too you had to throw out from the cheap seats you make them cough it up like a hairball good work there it's the go-to bullshit business word oh no no that it was was and we're gonna uh put out uh blurbs like chapters

that people can use to hype the book and uh reimagining something about reimagining and they just keep talking in loops of this their their own nomenclature their industry speak and at some point i go yeah we're gonna hammer the fuck out of it on the podcast if that's what you're getting at and he goes oh hammer the fuck out of it yeah i i understand that well are you gonna promote the book well yes i'm gonna promote the book i'm not gonna promote the cover or the title i capitulated on that i I used that word twice. Never use a big word twice in the same podcast. You look like you only have a few. So yeah,

that, the book, the Tio Setti's jokes, and Chaley will be back January 5th, and this shit will get moving in a more linear fashion. Linear fashion. Linear, but... It'll be on time, Mors.

More so on time, this podcast. It's the fucking holidays. You take what you can get. Thank you for listening, and Chaley will play whatever he has in whatever weird island he's on outside of Seattle. Thank you. Alright, cocktails. Yay!

Woo! Motherfucker! Merry Christmas! Merry fucking Christmas! Merry Christmas! Christmas candles flying in the air While daddy's beating the shit out of mommy Children by the Christmas tree are singing songs of

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun it's Christmas time it's Christmas time Trailer home is burning down

Bob is dying on the ground Children in the backyard Are singing songs of Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun It's Christmas time Christmas time Daddy's in the death row Mommy's singing with the little choir

Children in the orphanage Are singing song, song It's Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Let's sing with the children. It's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Merry Christmas