The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #119: Doug's Booze Suit

Episode Date: January 15, 2016

Doug's Booze Suit  Capt. Rowdy back in the dayPre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon  This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Start building your website today at Squarespace.com.  Enter offer code “dougstanhope” at checkout to get 10% off. Squarespace—Build it Beautiful.Doug details the construction of his booze suit, Chaille returns to Bisbee and Chad Shank reports from the mean streets of Bisbee with the Police Beat.Doug's Booze Suit - YouTube VideoRecorded Jan. 7, 2016 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).LINKS -HEARTBEAT – Tucsonhttp://www.heartbeattucson.com/Capt. Rowdy -bit.ly/233oCsbPre-Order Doug's book “DIGGING UP MOTHER” through Amazon athttp://amzn.to/1NXiQy5Brian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing Songs, "Burn and Rob" as performed by The Mattoid. Check out The Mattoid on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, actual sponsor. Start building your website today at squarespace.com. Enter offer code DougStanhope at checkout to get 10% off. Squarespace, build it beautiful. it beautiful i actually i put away all the uh christmas cards new year's cards holiday all the shit that comes in packages but your your name was in everyone like especially chad shank fuck you get chad shank love chad shank so yeah guys. I got a lot of well wishes on Twitter, too. Makes it hard to hate everybody because everybody's so nice to me. Not impossible.

It's just hard. I don't know. They're very far away from me, so I can like them. Yeah, I always feel bad when I wake up and check my Twitter or email and someone's just saying something nice or offering something nice. Some girl. I thought it'd be great if you could come for my friend's birthday party or her birthday party to do a small show for my friends. I don't know what your personal appearance fee is.

And I'm like, I'm not going to go to your fucking. I'm like, that's just nice. They wouldn't even want you. Shut up. Don't appearance fee. That falls under the category of don't meet your idols. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People have no idea.

For the most part, comedy is such an abstract art form that people don't. I think they go to maybe once a year, if at all. I mean, there's some hardcores that go a lot, but most people couldn't name a fucking current standup comic. Me included. I was trying to find a reference for a new bad comedian.

Like who's the next guy? Everyone hates the, you know, Dane Cook or Larry, the cable guy. I have no fucking idea. So yeah, someone, someone yeah how much is it for a birthday clown what if you just found out birthday clowns make six figures and you're

like oh shit i feel like a douchebag i was gonna offer him like a hundred dollars there was that one time uh hedberg got offered offered – someone reached out to his management and wanted him to do a private party. And Hedberg was like, $5,000. Just tell them $5,000. And then they'll say no, and we don't look like jerks, but we've given our price. And it was some fucking douchebag in Hollywood. They're like, all right. They moved it up to $10,000, and the guy still said that he was going to do it.

Did he do it? I think he ended up going there and it was like a kid's party or something. It was really, that was just the reason why you wouldn't do it. And it ends up being the exact reason why you wouldn't do it. We did that. We were doing some bullshit in Edinburgh where we put my name in the fringe festival guide one show and the ticket price was like the equivalent of like sixteen thousand dollars whatever it was a specific number which was the average amount of money performers lose to play there for a month it's

such a fucking scam like hennigan added it all up. What it would cost. It came out, there was a news story that came out, like, how much money the average comedian loses to be able to perform there. So I said,

yeah, I'll do one show for that amount of money. And then we get an offer, a very rare offer to do a private in Vegas asking how much. So he went up to 25 and they took it.

Oh, shit. And then we're like, oh, fuck. What if someone buys the Edinburgh ticket? Because it was the same date. Like, it happened to be the same date. So Brian's just rather than say, no, we'll price them out of the market. Oh, they said, yes, it was fucking terrible. Fortunately, no one bought the Edinburgh ticket.

Because as much as you're making this good money, you'd still go, oh, shit, I'm losing 15,000, 16,000 in Edinburgh. Why my darn luck? Why do they have to be on the same day? So, Chad Shank, you weren't here for New Year's. No, I was not. Everyone kept asking. I'm like, oh, fuck, that's right. He's doing that weird thing up in Tucson.

Because Jenny, your wife, wanted to take you. January 1st is my anniversary. So I have to do something for New Year's. And I think it was a couple of years ago, I had to go to Tucson and do comedy dinner theater. Like comedic dinner, not stand-up comedy? No, like... Murder mystery or something? That's exactly what it was.

Oh, it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life. I can't imagine you sitting there. Oh, it was the most horrible experience I've ever had in my life. I can't imagine you sitting there. Oh, imagine it. And then it was 10 times that worse. Because they walk through the crowd and they're overacting. It was horrible. Whodunit. It was not comedy.

Just trying to like the wedding one where it's interactive. Tony and Tina's or whatever it is. That's what this one was, I think. It was a vampire wedding. It was at a hotel? I don't remember. Yeah. Yeah, a lot of hotels, they'll rent them out for the bar,

which is like what worse place could you be than a place with a bunch of business people or people that want to be there and left alone. I don't know what it was, but it was horrible. But that was a few years ago. It was very funny because a week before or so, I just get a random text from Chad Shank, which he doesn't really contact. He's very often unsolicited.

He responds at best. So I just say, oh, and it's pictures of him testing out his suits, like two different pictures of different suits he could wear for New Year's Eve, and all of a sudden wear, like, fucking Gretchen and bingo. Oh, I think you look good in that one. You should wear that with the other tie, though. What color tie should I get when I go to the thrift store? I'm asking Stan.

I remember you had a pair of spats. Do you still have those? Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. It was a new experience for me, but it was very fun. I now have a camel hair blazer. Ooh. Yeah. With a matching... Better than a camel toe blazer! Oh!

So I'm getting my wardrobe that I'll never wear. Well, yeah, you'll wear it over here. Yeah. Yeah. You definitely wear it here. Yeah.

Yeah. Something. Yeah. So anyway, that was a few years ago. This year, I told her that I would pick. And so I found a thing in Tucson. And it was in the back of the thrifty nickel. Yeah.

Yeah. It was just a cover band, like a 70s, 60s cover band. They were real good. A Heartbeat, I think they were called. It was fun. Better than a band you don't know any of their songs. Yeah. Well, the main thing I liked is that we were probably the youngest people there.

Everybody else was way older than us. And you're being nice when you say probably clearly at one point a group of younger people came in and then i was like oh we just lost our standing and then i think they immediately took off and went somewhere else uh yeah yeah i'm talking like 80 year olds oh wow but Oh, wow. But I liked it. It was a place to be for me. It wasn't a lot of aggressive, drunk people. It was just everybody focused on their own fucking party.

I would much prefer that to any other New Year's Eve party of drunken assholes. I was going to say Mardi Gras assholes, but I realized that Mardi Gras-as themed was the one you went to. Yeah. Well, I don't know what that means. It means other than some people had Mardi Gras clothes on and some people just had on like jeans,

the t-shirt. How refreshing for you to not have like some fucking dude bowing up to you. And that's one of my, like the things that happen sometimes at events or, you know, someone will come up to you and that's one of my like the things that happen sometimes at events or you know someone will come up to you and test you or something and that's one of my biggest fears just going out by myself but i showed you a picture of my wife especially on new year she had like a nice dress on and so my wife is so far out of my fucking league it's not even funny people try to hit on my wife everywhere she goes so it's not that night right or maybe where's maybe it was great there was there was like 80 year old

people slow dancing the doctor from the love boat you look wonderful tonight so it was real romantic that's cool it was nice what did what did that cost the whole thing for the room and the party. Oh, they had dinner prior, and it was a buffet dinner with all kinds of good shit. At 530, early bird? Almost. We're doing the ball drop at 845? We did it here at 10 o'clock at night. Everyone is fucking wiped out from that whole week of partying.

wiped out from that whole week of partying that i go is everyone on board with do uh the east coast time drop since we're mountain time right now and every single person was into it i mean we still stayed up but that way our our responsibility is out of the way host the party everyone's good if we fall down we still stayed up we. Then we did Central Time, Ball Drop. Then we did New York Time. So, yeah, what did the whole thing run per ticket? I think it was $230 for the room. Oh, with the room. Yeah, with the room, like a living room and a bedroom.

Yeah, real nice. Double tree. Yeah, give them a plug. I stay across the street at the Four Seasons because they have the best bartender in the world. I mean, the Four Points, Sheraton. This is at the Tucson Airport. Aaron and Rob, I don't even think,

I don't know if he's even here anymore, but Aaron is the fucking best. But occasionally we'll stay over at the Doubletree if it's the summer. They get the better pool. And those, yeah, all the rooms are the same. Living room up front. And they're fucking cheap as fuck, generally.

Yeah, it was real nice. And then the lady at the bar, I tipped her really generous the first drink that she made. And while she was making it, I made a big show of like, I'm putting a big bunch of money in. Wait until like you can see. It sucks that over tipping and they miss it. Yeah. It go in a fishbowl right right so i sneeze right when it happens timed it correctly and she she folded up like a paper airplane and just do fly over now request landing request and then she drops her cork. The wine screw right when she.

So she hooked me up the whole night, and I continued to hook her up the whole night. It was a nice evening. I was fucking hammered. So I had a good time. I'd like to go back again. You stayed till New Year's? Yeah. The 80-year-olds?

It was, like I said, it was all individual tables, and then there was another couple at our table, but it was a fucking giant table, so they were having their own party. We had our own party. So you don't have to, like, there's no, like, forced conversation. No, at dinner there was, and it was horrible. Because they just pre-seat everyone? Did they, like, banquet seat you?

Well, at dinner it was a buffet, but then there was just tables all throughout. Regular buffet seating, I guess. You just go and sit down at different tables with people. They had fucking oysters on the half shell and shrimp and prime rib, rosemary chicken grilled, steamed asparagus and carrots. It was fucking good. I only ask how much it cost because the cover band like how much are they making because i remember the days where you had to work new years just for the money

went up exponentially and i was a cover comic basically back then i had no fucking act that i was proud of so you had to take those gigs even though they're the worst fucking gigs. For a band, not so much. For a comedian, they don't want to listen. They want to get shit-faced and hoot and try to grab someone's ass at midnight. Worst gig ever. We had to have talked about this on the podcast. We did New Year's at Coots with him. And the owner of the...

Me and Becker decided to do mushrooms. Thinking we're gonna you know if we do mushrooms early enough we tried a million ways to do mushrooms and make them work on stage because when you're alone on mushrooms you think oh this is brilliant stuff i need to talk about this when you get on stage immediately the trip is over and going poorly. Oh, I can only imagine. But we thought if we did them like eight hours before the show, like if we're just coming down from the mushrooms where you have that kind of sober...

Becker's supposed to do 25 minutes in front of me. The owner's in a tuxedo next to his mother in front row center of a room that held 60 people. It wasn't the main showroom which has like 140 this is a swing bar so it's low ceiling you're standing on the stage you can you can easily touch the ceiling it's really tight compact and everyone's right up against the stage it's a little bigger than playing this room you probably put 65 people in there yeah on little tiny stump stools yeah So the front row is the owner of the

club with his mother in a tuxedo and her in a ball gown, and Becker goes up and says, like, it's weird weather we've been having, huh? Alright, here's your headliner, Doug Stanhope. And in my head, I'm going, I only have 25 minutes to get my shit together.

And then, oh no, you don't! It sucked. Every time they ask me, my worst gig 25 minutes to get my shit together and then oh no you don't it sucked every time they ask me my worst gig ever there's too many to and I forget well that yeah that was probably the worst one that was my fault completely my fault and there's some

drunken ones that I just don't remember I remember those don't count me and Captain Rowdy walked most of a sold-out laugh stop in Houston. We just went up. I opened for him, and then he went up, and then we went up together and started fucking off completely and just massive walkouts. But I don't remember why.

Mushrooms, I remember vividly why. Did Rowdy drink on stage? Was he a drinker? He used to before I met him. He was sober when I met him. I worked with him. He's the guy that I use as an example of the bitter old comic that would brag about how much he used to out drink you. I used to have 12 shots of tequila lined up on the railing.

I'd do all of them before I told my first joke. Hey, can you not smoke in my minivan? Because my wife gets upset. He tells you how he out-parted you, but he's not there anymore, but still loves the braggadocio. Yeah, I worked with him in radio up in Anchorageage and i don't remember him ever drinking or anything what lots of stories lots of stories he started drinking again at least socially uh because he

was drinking tequila at becker's wedding okay that's how long ago doesn't matter he's dead now so whatever it was i watched him eat fucking four or three or four big macs in one sitting with a you know 64 ounce coke and how did you get diabetes again wait you have no feet anymore oh they took the legs now now he's dead but he's a funny guy was was don't you hate it when you're walking through the mall and you see a really good looking girl, but when she gets right up close, she's only like 13 years old. But you gotta fuck her anyway to win that bet with your dad. And he always welches. He used to buy jokes this is like 92 where dice clay is still huge and and he he'd buy all these

jokes or just get all these jokes from other comics that were clean comics but thought of something funny shock value funny that they go oh they laugh at when they wrote it but they know they can't use it so he'd get all filler. I never saw him with a pen and a notebook. Last time I saw him, I was up at Coots. I was still booking comedy up there, and the peanut farm was starting to book

comedy. And I would go to see the other places to see how they were setting it up and everything. And I remember, I was like, oh, fuck, Captain Rowdy's here. They brought him in. And it was, I mean, it was a cavernous, like 18, 20-foot ceilings with big screens all around and this little tiny stage on one end. Big screens with the – No, no, no. It's fucking March Madness.

Watch whatever you want, man. And then there's a bar in the center. So now there's people bar in the center so now there's people lined up at the well not many people that was the main thing and i went in there i go i am leaving i just don't want him to even know that i was here i mean i like captain rowdy and everything but he obviously took a gig where they just did not promote or anything like that i think that's the last time i actually saw him but it was like it was you you know these gigs where you walk in you go fuck how quick can i get out

of here he would he would uh go on stage he had a mohawk black leather vest with fringe black leather chaps wraparound wraparound yeah what do they call those they're not oakley's maybe they are oakley's just those fucking the blades the kind of fucking sunglasses douchebags wear and then they pull them off and they have the sunburn and the white raccoon eyes douchebag glasses and and he's all hard bikery guy and and then as he aged he started male pattern balding but kept the mohawk oh that's not a good look the bald hawk uh bald hawk and then he'd talk about stuff he'd still bill himself as triple x-rated most extreme comedian do not enter under any circumstances if you're offended and but he'd start talking about stuff from his real life and go into disney world and stuff and go, this is not really that extreme.

Don't enter under any circumstances. No refunds. And then after he lost his feet to diabetes and he moved back to Virginia after a few years, he's in a scooter now. And he tries to start doing open mics. And I didn't see it. But I can just imagine he still tried to affect the part but riding a tanya lee davis mini scooter rascal rascal with a basket yeah tanya lee yeah tanya lee had that where we had to have a ramp built

to get her on stage she came to a gig in uh the uk on that that seven week henry phillips tour of three years ago four years ago and showed up and tried to get backstage but it's london these are old fucking theaters like victorian there's 17 wooden staircases that you have to get from one building through a cavernous alleyway. So the fucking our tour manager had to carry her into like physically pick her up and carry her to the green room because this is not scooter friendly. That was what I was going to ask. How hard is it to just pick her up and fucking bring her up? Midgets are fucking weighty. Yeah.

Low center of gravity. They're dense. Yeah. Dense. We were doing a hidden camera show in Alaska. We were filming up there for that Fox hidden camera show and one of the gags I thought would be funny is to go out on one of those

random highways outside of Anchorage to a gas station where all the tourists stop to piss because it's the only gas station and have the key instead of attached to a big board like gas stations do, have it attached to a midget that I pick up and put on the counter. But I couldn't lift him. We had to fucking shit.

We had to shit. He was like 160 pounds. He weighed more than me. And he was 3 foot 11 or whatever, 4'4. Kenny. And game to do it. It wasn't that he wouldn't do it. Well, that's probably why they probably couldn't afford a smaller midget,

is what I'm thinking. These were just midgets we knew. There were three different midgets that hung out at the bar, and they weren't in a troop. You never practiced picking them up before this? It seems like a good idea, right? and they weren't in a troop. You never practiced picking them up before this? It just seemed. It seems like a good idea, right? Yeah, couldn't budge him.

I would have had to wrestle him up. No, you would have needed that tiny Lee ramp. There's no way. The whole gag because it's all eyeglass camera. So you need the one shot of picking up the midget and then you get the midget's head facing you and the reaction of the other person in the same camera angle. Yeah, it'll work. Had a proportionate one, yes, but not that fucking big black ass on a white midget.

Giant ass. All right, let's pause this. I have a million thank yous to get out to people who sent shit. I'm going to rush through those, but I need a drink. More of Chad Shank and Greg Chaley, who, yeah,

you stole his thunder. We didn't even mention. Hey, Greg Chaley's finally back in town. We'll get to your boring stories from wherever you were when you left me with no Netflix and no internet connection in the house. No help. No hope.

We'll be back with that. This is Chad Shank. And when I'm at Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka. Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet

Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. That's HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman? I don't know.

I don't know. I may have told you guys this story. When I was in the Army, I went and got a haircut. And they gave me... I was going to get a flat top. I would get a flat top occasionally in the Army. And I went to a barber I'd never been to before. And he's like, Do you want a...

I said, give me a flat top. Oh, you want a landing strip, huh? I was like, yeah, I guess so. I thought that he was just referring to he gave me a flat top and then buzzed a bald strip right down the center.

Yeah, I didn't know what a landing strip apparently... I was a victim of some practical joke. That's what you asked for. No one asked for a flat top. He then asked me. And then you agreed. As I want to do if I don't understand what's going on right away.

Sure. All right. Oh, yeah. I forget to put that in that text. The producers of this show want you to not only lose the 25 pounds but also get the landing strip you still in yeah no i was i was actually more excited that you said that i had to lose 25 pounds than the other text thing that we were going to do this so well looks like we're doing it but But in the meantime, Squarespace.com.

Chad Shank, you'll have a website soon. You'll need one, unlike my friends who've needed one for years and don't have them. Squarespace.com. We use Squarespace. Greg Chaley, I say, because I don't use it. You don't know, but I just took over the website, so I was actually handed the duties of updating and creating content

as well as the online store. Which I was terrified about because Chaley used to run my website 15 years ago, at least more than that, 20 years ago. 99, I was 13. Yeah, I guess, yeah. But that was all. A fucking time ago, back when you were young. And I always say, don't trust anyone under 30 to run your website.

Because Chaley still thinks he knows what the fuck goes on. And you see him scrambling to keep up. He looks like Peyton Manning throwing fucking wobbly duck passes. It's a tough job. But he demands to do it. He still does all the fucking shipping. Can you imagine that? With all the skills he has,

that he sits there and fucking stamps fucking packages and farm that shit out, Chaley. No, he's got to do everything. Hold on, you don't even know this. It's made infinitely easier because of, on Squarespace, they actually have ShipStation, which is an add-on feature,

and that totally, it's all integrated with the payment system. It manages all the shipping. I mean, this is... I didn't know you could segue. I was just talking shit about you, and you could segue right back into the commercial. I already have my notes. You're fucking good at this.

Yeah. So Squarespace is something that I actually have to use because of the website and now having to update it as well as using it for – I built the entire online store. Basically, it's drag and drop. It's real simple. And all the plans have an e-commerce component even at one item. Well, that was the thing. When you took over the website, as you go i'll figure it out i'm gonna i'm going it's this is gonna be months before chaley can get caught up to date on

and then no there's a day and you like and i'm like what are you what are you gonna who's gonna take over because i was trying to get you to hire someone else yeah you figured it out in a fucking day because of squarespace someone i can legitimately plug so yeah all my comic friends that don't have websites out there fucking squarespace.com god damn it inman can figure it out if inman can figure it out i asked on twitter because i go i get i get a sponsor uh sponsor this week for Squarespace. Does anyone use Squarespace for their website? Because I didn't want to plug my own. I know we use it, but I don't want people to see how long it's been since I've updated it, because then the focus is on me and my laziness.

So I asked other comics. I go, hey, I'll give you a free plug. Every fucking comic in the world. My Twitter feed is full. Dave Hedy, Dave Anthony, fucking Prinny. comics i go hey i'll give you a free plug if every fucking comic in the world my twitter feed is full dave heady dave anthony fucking prinny you know fahey younger.com fucking rogan i guess rogan uses squarespace and plugs them all the time he always talks about squarespace so yeah get with the big boys and fucking use Squarespace. How about that? Hosting is included.

Your first year, your domain name is included to register it. You've got basically, like I said, a lot of drag and drop, and there's a quick learning curve on it. Real simple. What I should have looked up is my comic friends that don't have websites, so I could just shame them out. I feel like your guys' commercials are more informative than other commercials. Yeah.

I've learned a lot in the last few minutes about Squarespace. Well, you can start your free trial today, Chad Shank, because you're already famous. You're more famous than me on this podcast. Start your free trial site today at squarespace.com. When you decide to sign up for Squarespace, make sure to use the offer code Doug Stanhope to get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace, what's their catchphrase?

Oh, Squarespace, build it beautiful. How about that, Squarespace? How's that for a fucking legitimate read? Let me get to some thank yous. You want to do here? It's all of them right there. All right, here we go. And I'm going to miss a lot of people because Chaley left me alone for basically a month for the holidays.

You could have come with me. We were house-sitting in Sammamish. We had a huge house. But this is where the podcast is. This is where the mail comes. These are all the people that send me shit. Bingo's not around. She had to go to a million places for the holidays.

It's just me by myself and cocktails and friends and football. I think I'm getting shit done so i dumped all this stuff in a tub except for the stuff i lost or got re-gifted before i get to the tub it was the holidays you got a lot of people sent me nice shit like artwork and stuff that what am i gonna put it up i build more walls and or just save it for someone to de-hoard when I'm dead. Oh, I took that pig picture. The pig flying? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That guy apologized for that in an email today.

Oh. Sorry, I was the guy that he sent a nice email. Thanks for having us for that taping. Oh, it's in the bathroom. He goes, I thought it'd be nice. See, I knew it would go up at your place. I put all the artwork that I see is going to go to the thrift store, I put it in the bathroom. He goes, I thought it'd be nice. See, I knew it would go up at your place. I put all the artwork that I see is going to go to the thrift store. I put it in the bathroom.

He had that handmade by a local artist, and it was the punchline to my favorite joke of all time. So I liked it. I don't like art, but I like that joke, and I like the sentiment. But he actually apologized. I'm sorry. I'm the guy that gave you that painting, but I thought I could support local artists. Very nice. These are the guys that did the flyover.

The pilot guys. Oh, yeah. They did a flyover after we did the taping. The guy has a private four-seater plane in Tucson, so he can just fly on a Bisbee airport runway. To get hours. He's got to keep staying in the air. Yeah, so he just fucks off. And so he'll do a flyover over the house,

and he had Stanhope written in tape under the wings and did a flyover a few times over the house. It was pretty cool. It snapped me out of that hangover. Brad Sampson sent Tabasco chocolate bar. You want to try that, Chad? No. Tabasco chocolate bar.

A bunch of people have sent bar stuff. Oh, if I can have that. No more with the shaker. You know, the set. It's got the strainer and the shaker and the thing. Like a martini shaker. The measuring thing. We got like four of those.

Thank you. Thank you. A shitload of Bibles and all the Christmas cards and the artwork. Lucy Chalice sent me this badass fucking sport coat that I'm wearing on this Joker's cruise. This can't go out until I'm already on the cruise, because I'll tell you what I'm doing.

But I'm wearing your sport coat on the cruise, Lucy, because it's just a little too big around the waist, which is perfect. The guy with the fucking hand-painted 12-gauge shotgun shells. Right here. Yeah, to hold lighters and Tylenol for... Lip balm, yeah. Weed.

Oh, definitely. Yeah, Tracy said, well, why would you need to hold Tylenol or a cigarette lighter in something other than that? I said, because you're an artist and you have paint and no other ideas. Well, those will be going to anyone buying products online. Tyler Nacho from kill pretty magazine. I get your magazine with the Duncan Trussell interview. I'm looking forward to reading that on the cruise and your,

your interview requests. Just email me after the super bowl. Cause I ain't doing shit till then, except other projects. Lee Kindig. He's the guy that sent the Super Bowl, because I ain't doing shit till then except other projects. Lee Kindig, he's the guy that sent the Oh yeah, fucking Chad Shank. Oh, I brought it inside. He sent this

DVD of a 2011 murder. It's a documentary about he said, if you like obese, torturous, redneck murderers admitting to brutal crimes, I'm like, yes, you already got me. So it's this documentary. You get it after me, or we'll watch it together tonight if it snows and you can't drive home.

Nice. Curled up in our... Someone sent us Snuggies. No our... Someone sent us Snuggies. No, no one sent us Snuggies. Sleeping bag. I don't know who sent this. Someone sent me a Negroni kit. What was it?

Sacred? Sacred, and it's a micro distillery. So they're small batches, and they're numbered. Yeah, there's three small bottles, because a proper Negroni is mixed equal parts of... It's not Campari. It's Rosehip. Rosehip, gin, and what was the other one?

It's for sweet vermouth. It's a vermouth. It's a flavored vermouth. Everything's very fancy, though. Yeah. It's boutique-esque. And did we ever mention the UN helmet? That's what I was going to say, too.

I remembered the guy's name on the web here. I looked and said, Anthony Prizzi. Oh, oh fuck sent me a uh un helmet thank you very much sir that was awesome uh everybody got a lot of laughs of me drunkenly wearing my un helmet with my red football jacket and the and the samurai sword that someone sent you a few weeks before that the fucking un helmet by the way it's, I've been kind of cleaning for this project that we have, and it's on the shelf above the couch in the living room. Yeah, I got drunk and left it here twice already. I knew it.

Well, you don't want to wear it home when you're driving a little drunk. A little conspicuous. Yeah, bright fucking light blue UN helmet. But it made me think to replace the football helmets inside in the main house, I could just start collecting military helmets. Well, now when I put it up there, I'm not going to do it. Just thought it'd be funny to have fucking Nazi helmet, World War II this, World War I spiky.

And then we could auction those off and build a bar in there. Oh, okay. I spiky. Just have... And then we could auction those off and build a bar in there. Oh, okay. I like that idea. What, Elroy, this is my favorite one. I think you sign your name so sloppy, but some dude mailed me four Delta free drink vouchers,

onboard drink vouchers from 1987 with no expiration date. And I always dress like an asshole when I fly anyway in vintage fucking cheeseball WKRP suits. That'll be really funny. Just to hand those to...

What? I'd hate to lose them, but that's the only way it's funny is to actually use them. Cake and eat it too, perhaps. And, oh, Bill Nash. He's the guy that sent you. We got a box of some stolen Bibles from Bill Nash, and this is not the first thing he sent some shit before. It's his company's Nash Guitars.

And I believe he's out of Phoenix. And yeah, he just sent you... I just see, when I see the return address, it says Nash Guitars. Even if my name's on it, I assume it's yours. Something you ordered. And no, he sent four Bibles, stolen

Bibles and books of Mormon. And he sent... Chad Shanky sent a little baggie with 100 bucks in it. Yeah. I was waiting for you to come up with this one. I didn't know who sent this one. I just got it. But thank you, Bill Nash.

Nash Guitars. And he sent Greg Chaley a baggie full of guitar picks. 28 guitar picks. Oh, you counted. Oh, yeah. I get something, too. Pretty heavy on Metallica. Just showing you counted. Oh, yeah. I get something, too. Pretty heavy on Metallica. Just showing you who the listeners like better.

These are the Nielsen ratings of this podcast. Listen, it's not a contest. Yeah, it is for me. I do like the Bill Duffy one from the cult. That's a cool one. Thank you, Bill Nash. Thank you. Thank you, everyone. And there's a bunch of shit that I didn't write down,

but we're going to get better at this about remembering all the fucking people, but it's just not this week. Sooner or later. What I'm doing, this is how fucking silly.

The cruise ships. I've never taken a legitimate cruise. I had to film man show days. I had to film some wraparound stuff for an award show on a cruise ship. So for two days, I was on a cruise ship with my mother right when she came out of the fucking I'm drinking again closet. Oh, that'll be in the book, which I got to fucking preorder that cock sucking book. There'll be a link. Write that down, Chaley.

Put a link. It's already digging up, mother. Oh, I already did a commercial for it. No, you haven't. But I already wrote it down that we're going to talk about at the end. All right. Well, I don't know if there is an end. This might be one long plug.

Okay. Doug Stanhope shot clog infomercial. I'm doing this in practical. Jokers have a fan cruise. And as soon as I saw it, I want to go. Bingo is going to demand I go. And then I saw it's in January second week. That's playoffs.

And I shouldn't even tell Bingo because I don't want to miss playoffs. But I looked it up. It's a Monday through Friday. So I'm just going to miss the second half of the Packers-Redskins game to get up to Tucson to catch a red-eye to Florida to get on the fucking ship, and I'll be back before. That's all I'm missing is half a game. And then as soon as they found out, I i'm going there's a bunch of comics yeah

gilbert gottfried's on it there's a million comics owen benjamin uh jay okerson's gonna jay okerson big jay okerson check out his podcast it's fucking great playing it or like going like you but i know they're all playing it oh all of them yeah they're all wow they're all playing it so there's yeah there's djs there's bands is fucking and they they immediately when they found out i'm coming they're like you're going fuck hang on and then you know two days later we get a email from the whoever an offer yeah an offer and i know i don't want to fucking work i don't consumer yeah You don't want to work at comedy. I bought this ticket to go have a vacation. It's just one show a day.

Fuck that. That's one show. Every day I can't drink by the pool starting at 8.30 in the morning. Are you going to go to the shows? You go to one show. But you're going to want to go to it, right? Of course. Okay.

But you said something about Gilbert Gottfried being on your being on your bucket oh gilbert godfrey for sure i don't know how many of that i definitely want to see big jay okerson but this is at least eight comics elisa lampanelli's there most of them i'd rather drink with at the bar sure or bat green room hanging out right well i've i, I'm just picturing me wanting to be outside smoking by a pool, bar. You realize that all the people who are fans of those people are probably going to be fans of yours, so you're going to end up stuck with all the business end of it anyways without doing a show. Oh, you think he's going to end up going on? Well, I think he's just going to get mobbed by people when he's trying to smoke cigarettes and stuff,

regardless of whether he's performing. As long as I'm smoking cigarettes, I'd rather be mobbed by people while I'm smoking cigarettes than not. But yeah, I'll do whatever. Fucking walk around the ship a bunch. And here's the problem. Too bad you're not on the show, Mr. Stanhope, because you'd be on the Lido deck smoking in private.

But you're not on the show, so you have to stay down here. I was fucking filming stuff for Comedy Central on that last cruise. They don't give a fuck who you are. If you say fucking an old person complains, they'll bring a helicopter in to fire you and fly you off the ship that's how cruise ships work there's a million stories about that happening so you not getting on stage making whoopee or is that too that was too coarse you're flying me off the ship for that really do you really have to hold my arm like that i'm going i'm going so your

primary concern is just drinking on this right and cruises are notorious for overcharging you and being Nazi-like about you smuggling in booze. And that's a point of contention for me. Like going to a foreign country, you can go to duty free and you can bring two bottles. With a $15. You can bring wine and champagne on a Norwegian. Wine and champagne. There's no limit, but there's a $15 corkage fee. Each bottle?

Each bottle charged up front. If you don't drink it, it's too bad. So if I buy $4 bottles of Andre champagne from the bottom shelf, paying $20 for that. And how much champagne can you drink? And wine? Do I get free? Can I bring the Tums on free?

Because it's just going to be acid reflux fest. They should charge you more for the Tums. So I started looking. I hope so. I swear to God, if I put more effort into it, as much, half the effort into this project that i've put into how do i smuggle booze onto a cruise oh because i know before you start emailing me with will you fill up a a mouthwash bottle and then you tint it with food coloring that they're so onto all these things. All that urban legend-y shit that used to work doesn't work now. And people get so creative in their ways.

But the one thing I've found is they don't search your person. And they sell dumb shit. It's the belly. It's a beer belly. They call it a beer belly. It's this big boda bag that hangs like a beer gut, but it leaks. Like a fanny pack. According to, yeah.

And anyway, I just, I started buying all this shit. Well, they say these Rum Runner bags, they come in 8 ounce, 16 ounce, and 32 ounce. Rum runner bags. They come in 8-ounce, 16-ounce, and 32-ounce. But then I bought a compression shirt, you know, like a Gut Be Gone shirt to make you look slimmer. God damn it. Go ahead. Yeah.

Please hold while Doug Stanhope takes a phone call. Hey, guys, you don't mind if I take this, do you? This is the – hang on. You're live on a podcast. phone call. Hey guys, you don't mind if I take this, do you? Hey, this is the, uh, this, hang on, you're live on a podcast, Clint. Oh. Uh, this is uh, this is, uh, uh, long Chevrolet where I

dropped off my truck to get a battery and I'm gonna pay $4,200 tomorrow to get it back. What time do I pick it up, Clint? Hey, just letting you know, we got it done tonight. First thing tomorrow morning at 7, the tech's gonna come in, he's gonna, he's gonna clean her up, you know, we got it done tonight. First thing tomorrow morning at 7, the tech's going to come in. He's going to clean her up, spray down everything, make sure everything is new.

You know, it's mess is all cleaned up. He's going to test drive it. So hopefully by around 8, 8.30, you should hear from me to tell you when to come and grab it. I just want to give you a heads up and let you know where we're at. I appreciate it, Clint, and we won't be until around 11, because when we're coming in, we've got to get sushi

down there at the Hana Tokyo. Do you eat there at the Hana Tokyo? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's great. Yes, we do. All right.

Well, thanks. That's a live phone call from Clint at Lazy Chevrolet plugging Hana Tokyo in Sierra Vista and we'll see you tomorrow thanks for calling that's the that's the guy i think he's on uh fuck i see here's the problem you only have one dealership unless you want to drive two hours to tucson so this guy we brought the Suburban

or the Tahoe in for something. I have three of the most boring cars in the world. Can I stop you for one second? I'm a mechanic by trade and I've worked in different dealerships and different stuff like that. That is the sound of a guy who's infinitely happy

that he knows that you're going to just accept whatever he sells you. Oh, yeah. I can tell you right now. I brought that in to get it cleaned. One of the other fucking white boring Chevys I have. And afterwards, it was like 15 bucks to wash a car

as well as an oil change or some shit. And afterwards, he tries to up it to $35,000 because they didn't know that it was that dirty with dog hair. You can't charge me after the fact. You already quoted the price. We didn't want it cleaned anyway. That was the whole point.

I don't know why they do that. They got a haircut and went in and said, okay, I want my haircut, and it's $15. And they go, oh, we didn't know you had this much hair so after the haircut we're gonna add on 20 more dollars and i went ape shit and i'm pretty sure i yelp reviewed it yeah it was pretty bad yeah i was fucking livid then i go back a year later because this other i spent there was a 2000 anyway it had some battery drain so I went in they go oh we traced it back to the battery

itself so that needs to be replaced but while we were under there the fucking valve covers are gone you're leaking oil all over the place wait a minute that car sits out in front of the place I live I don't see oil and you know what they didn't see these problems when the oil got

changed a thousand miles ago at my local place. They can't do anything more than an oil change, but they didn't see. And then I get fucked. Did you do it all? Yeah, I did it all. Oh my God.

Where am I going to take it? Across the street Chevrolet?let no you don't do it service managers do not talk to you like that unless you did it exactly i already knew that's the sound of a guy who's grateful that you did everything he suggested that's one of the things i got out of doing that because i felt bad because most of the people that you encounter are not like you my mom you're willing to support the fucking local economy and whatever I need done. Let me get it done. Oh, I just.

No, it's old people who don't have any fucking money. And you have to try to tell them, oh, I know you came in for your oil to be changed. But you know, your brakes are about to fucking kill you. And you have to give them all kinds of sales. You know, you want free sushi tomorrow horrible chad shank will you come pick up my car with me one quick punch to the nose uh no no it's i i'm the sucker it's not his fault no i can't believe you did that well i'm fucking here i get um yeah i know six projects to work on. Do you need to spend $5,000 to buy that vehicle?

Four. It's costing me $42,000 to get all this shit fixed. It drove perfectly to me. Wow, ticking time bomb. Boy, they saved your life, Doug. You know what? It bought me some peace of mind. What?

What? Now I know that that car is going to run forever. Yeah, I got fucked. Yeah. I don't know if you knew that that's what I did. Like in the Army, I was a mechanic. Motor pool. Yeah, I did that.

So if you need it. You were fucking over the troops and telling them that they had a bad fucking sucker or something pan. You know, I was never the best mechanic in the Army. I was never the best mechanic in the Army, but every unit I was in, if you were to take a poll and ask the drivers who's the best mechanic in the unit, every one of them, well, 99% of them would have said me. But that's only because I deadline their trucks if they needed them for a legitimate reason. Look, I got this going on with my family. You jump them in line. You put them in front.

I can't do this mission. They want me to do this mission. I can't do it. That sounds good to me. Let me see. This truck's's fucked up i can't get these parts for two weeks so i was just the most personable mechanic but people translate that into the best wait deadline what does that mean uh that that is a mechanic like i could i could stop the mission by saying this truck is not mission capable i thought it was the other way around. You jumped them in front of the line so you could get it done really quick.

No, no, no. Stop them in their tracks. Exactly. I would say this truck is dead in the water until I get the parts. So whatever mission you had, you need to scrub it. Why did you quit that job? The Army was the easiest job I've ever had my whole life that's a fucking now you're gonna get kids to join don't say that yeah easy for you well if you can't get along in a regular

job in society odds are you can probably get along in the military it's it's like the the hookup system i guess is the only way it. I don't want that fucking call email three years from now. My son joined the military because he's a big Chad Shank fan, and you said it was easy. And then on a frozen battlefield in Afghanistan, now called. Listen, if you're dumb, it's hard. It depends on how. Life is hard.

Yeah. Listen, if you're dumb, it's hard. It depends on how. Life is hard. Yeah. Sometimes I feel bad that I get disability for my mental disabilities. I don't really feel bad about it. But you read an article and it'll say, like, this guy lost his arm and his leg and now he's been fighting to get disability. And it makes you feel kind of bad because I have 100% disability.

But then I think about it. It's really easy for that guy to get disability. He just doesn't know how to fucking read. That's the whole problem. And if he could have read better, then he wouldn't have had that. Read or navigate the system. Well, he wouldn't have had that job in the first place that caused him to lose limbs if he could have read better.

You mean the sign that said landmines? Well, on your test. I think Chad Shank, if you rewind the podcast, I think he said if he could have read better. Well, I'm kind of drunk and I'm kind of stoned, and I tried to fix it the second time. I didn't mean to point that out. I knew you would. I saw your eyebrow i saw your eyebrows go up when i said it i'm like god you fucking judgmental prick new

ringtone it's like when you misspell stupid stipod in a fucking hateful email yelling it yeah you stipod ah shit i hit send i hit send i put myself out there with no expectation of being accepted, whereas other people put themselves out there hoping and praying to be accepted. So I don't give a fuck. Don't like me because I said something wrong. Fuck you. Looking for reasons not to like you anyway. Thanks for that hundred

bucks, by the way. Well, and that's what makes it difficult. I don't want to like that guy, but I do. And eventually you're going to have to live up to that guy's expectations and go, I haven't gotten any money for a while. Do I suck now? I didn't even want to do this. They made me come over.

Now my new conspiracy theory is that Stanhope's trying to force me into suicide. Beer gut. Let me get back to this before i forget sorry don't look at my gut when you say that well i looked up all these things you could buy and the ones that are the most well reviewed on amazon like for sneaky things that they they wouldn't look for that you can hide on your body because they don't do right uh the it's not like it's getting on the boat is airport security you have to check your luggage they put that through an x-ray so they're looking for all the fucking sneaky tricks because everyone's trying to put the mouthwash and they even if you bring wine bottles on they look at the seal to see if it's been broken because they know that you're going to try to reseal wine with a fake seal

because they sell the fake seals. And anything you sell, as soon as you put it online, they know the trick. But they don't pat you down. Well, there's too much liability in searching everybody personally is what I think. I think it's illegal. It's the same theory I use in going through the Border Patrol checkpoints. I always take weed with me through the checkpoints, but I keep it on my person because I've never seen them search a person. Well, they have dogs.

But the dogs will search the vehicle. All right. It's a whole different level to actually search someone's person. Right. It involves different laws, searching somebody's person. And you don't have 10 pounds of marijuana on your person. That's right. They're looking for the big screen. Right. So I use the same theory as what I was saying. And you're just going 10 pounds of marijuana on your person. That's right. They're looking for the big screen.

Right. So I use the same theory as what I was saying. And you're just going through a metal detector. It's not one of those x-ray body scanners. So I bought so much shit online just on the principle of you're not fucking me on booze. I drink 12 to 15 drinks a day,'s say on an average day last night i didn't drink where i only had like seven drinks so that's a non-drinking day for me well you were busy so if you're they're jacking you up for you know 10 or 15 bucks a drink that's a so i bought at least a dozen of these bags they're clear bags with a little nozzle

i bought man spanks they're underpants that go from your knee well first of all let me go from the feet up i got feet up oh it's a whole thing dude i got uh what are they they talked about buying them on one of those specials the fucking whatever socks did i buy that when i was drunk like the compression socks yeah they're compression socks there was like for people with uh bad circulation don't worry i'll get flooded with twitters of people who know my act better than me so i figure i can put four of the pocket-sized pop-off flasks. The travelers. These are compression socks that are really tight that go up to your knee. So I can put two flasks on either side of my calves wearing some spectacularly flared-out 1960s polyester pants.

Then I got the Spanx. I also bought compression underpants for a second layer i don't i think i'm gonna have to do hip flasks on the actual hips with those if not the front of the thigh like a love handle type area like no no below the hip yeah below the waistline yeah okay i'll see how that works but that'll hold that in. And the underpants spanks come up to your tits. So I can jam these beer belly. I already tried it with Chaley. He didn't notice it.

And that's... No, no. It looks natural. It fucking looks really good. It just looks like he put them all the way. That was just tight, cinched a belt down on like a pair of jeans out of high school. That was just a compression vest. The compression vest, I go, okay.

It's like a t-shirt. I can get away with the look, but I'm going to have to walk around for hours with this shit. I'm going to have to fly into Miami with this shit in my check bag, go into a toilet, strip down, put on all this stuff, Go into a toilet, strip down, put on all this stuff, start forcing liquid bags with people looking under a stall to see. Is someone in there? Why? This guy's getting his pants down and picking up bags of liquid. Your feet moving while you're in a stall.

They're going to be able to see that you're like almost doing a tango in there because you're like trying to pull things on. Plastic bags of booze out of my fucking bag where you're not allowed to put liquid. They're going to think I'm going onto a plane. This is what you do. You do like the guys did in the bathroom stalls. You get a brown paper bag and you step in it so no one sees your feet. And it just looks like someone put a paper bag in there. It's just as weird either way it's gonna be a fucking cartoon i've been wondering almost since the beginning though at what point

would it just be easier to buy drinks i know just the amount of shit i've spent to buy spanks okay here's what the spanks go up now they go up to your tits so I can tuck them in the gut. Then I put that compression vest I bought already over that. So it's up down. Then I can put the 16 ounces as tits. So I should be able to get about two gallons. This is how fucking NASCAR started. Moon Shining.

It's so funny. It's like just to unwrap you is going to be like what it would take to unwrap a mummy. And then just go fucking through. Just pay the fine. What's the fine? $50. I got an extra just a gut-be-gone waist cinch to even it out to make it look like I'm really fucking bloated fat. The problem is to hold my bloated fat already in

so it doesn't look like double bloated it's it's flow you can't have like it all pushed up at the top or like all weird and the man spanks what it does is it goes from the knee and and so you don't get these weird bulges which is what you're trying to do you're supposed to have a bulge over the belt buckle that's that's that's that's a 32 ounce right there and then you're trying to do. You're supposed to have a bulge over the belt buckle. That's a 32-ouncer right there. And then you want it to – 32 on each side. Yeah, I can do a gallon just on the gut. But then what happens if you're going to take a leak?

Yeah, that's a fucking – I'll just – Oh, I'll pre-cut it. Diaper. I'll pre-cut it. Just fucking – No, just buy one of those tubes that runs down. You just collect your piss.

Oh, yeah, yeah. The external catheter. Yeah. And then they're going to seize that bag as contraband. Sorry, sir. This is alcohol. No, that's the piss bag. You just try to tell them it's all piss.

You don't know how long I've been stuck. Well, I'm also wearing this bright yellow suit on top of the thing with a bright yellow tie to kind of mask the bulge in the gut and we'll see if it all holds together but this way i don't have to try to smuggle shit in my bag which doesn't work all the time that's fucking funny yes i probably spent 200 bucks but you know the the coffee table in there was full of products when I walked in there. And I'd been gone for three weeks. And I'm walking around, what the fuck project is this? I want to see what this looks like all put together.

But I'm more curious to see if you make it through without an issue, which I think you will. I think I will. I think so, too, because people aren't willing to question a certain level of personal... You know what I mean? You look like a weird, fat guy. They're not going to say that to you. They're not going to... You're Mel Brooks in that one movie.

I also have to hide it in my room, because when they come into your room and they do... What? There has to be a do not disturb thing. People have had shit seized out of their room from housekeeping. Take all your clothes out of your suitcases and then just fill your suitcases back with the booze and your clothes lay all over the fucking room. Wait a minute.

You're not in the fucking pedestrian room, though. And I'm not a fucking pedestrian that will leave all this shit sitting out. I'm going to have to, yeah, like that. Put it in a bag. and it will leave all this shit sitting out. I'm going to have to, yeah, like that, put it in a bag. Half of my clothes I just bought from the Salvation Army.

I just went in and bought like 15 bucks worth of T-shirts, Hawaiian shirts, shorts, and I'm just going to leave there. Yeah. So they're going to think someone jumped overboard. Suicide note. Yeah. With all the empty fucking bags yeah i'm so drunk oh but you should screen people better on this cruise goodbye cruel world you could write it like i'm done with all this and then you and then but you just leave all your clothes so guilty for smuggling all this booze on but the prices were so outrageous i feel compelled and now I can't deal with the guilt. Goodbye. So, yeah, I'll have

bingo videotape the beginning and the end. Get that out there. Next thing you know, they're going to have full body scanners on cruise ships because of me. Courtesy of Doug. You're not going to thing you know they're gonna have full body scanners on cruise ships because of me courtesy of doug you're not gonna do a full uh dry run so we can do some pictures here yeah i still have to i'm hoping because it says amazon it will be delivered by friday and you go well it's bisbee so you can't really count on that so saturday i should be good for sunday

yeah let's do a dry run. Get some pictures. Yeah. It'd be funny if you were standing there and they caught you, and they just took a hat pin and poked everything, and you just stand there. But you're not allowed to drink any of it. You're trying to splash it in your mouth. Come on, motherfucker! It's like an old Prohibition-like picture. They're all proud with their knitting needles.

The guys with the axe. Come on, hey, settle down, settle down. It's like an old prohibition like pictures. They're all proud with their knitting needles. Come on. Hey, settle down. Settle down. Well, that's the problem. I read reviews and even the good ones like Rum Runners. It's a product. 581 reviews, 84% five stars. Then there's like six.

This is bullshit. They detected it right away. And I did it as I was told to do it, and I put it behind some folded clothes in my check thing. So that's six out of 584. But people, listen, we were talking about this, that if it's in the baggage, they can do whatever the fuck they want to look through that thing. And whether, like the one guy you were talking about.

Here's the other thing that we were thinking about doing. Pre-drinking all the alcohol and then just pissing it back out in a lower concentrated form. Actually, your body can't process it all so there's an amount of alcohol that will

actually pass through you. Now, you get some cotton. You need the thick cotton cotton you don't get cotton balls cotton balls this is where my hubris uh uh will take advantage of me it's gonna be the mood i'm in when i when i pack because i also i have enough of those bags i can't put them all on my body i could try to put them in my check luggage as well the thing is if they find it they just say we confiscated this you put a little note or something yeah in their check bag because you run it through like check bags on an airline you check it when you board the cruise then you

go through their security and eventually it gets dropped off in your room they found shit in it underneath well i got i only time since i've lived here i like there's no adult bookstores around here to get fucking bingo has one vibrator i can leave on top of a backpack and get make a little greasy with a little chocolate syrup to make it look a little bit shit stained. I have a Hustler magazine only because I'm in it, but I have a spare copy. So leave that in a big backpacks and have the booze at the bottom. Like, how deep do you want to go? Because if there was an adult bookstore, I'd keep going. I'd have a rubber pussy.

I'd have all that shit like I used to do after 9-11. I'd stack my carry on with adult toys. Nothing but porn and adult toys. So when they do those random at-the-gate searches, yeah, you want to pick through this? Go ahead. And only once did a guy even open it, and he just shut it immediately. Go ahead. But yeah, if you want to go past the greasy shit-stained dildo to see if that weird ball at the bottom might be booze.

And even at that point, that booze would still be misdirection. So it's a lot of levels of... That's a good point. How about... I mean, I understand where you're going to put the dildo thing. That's funny, too. But what if on top you put just a modest bottle of wine and then you put a note that says, for our anniversary? And then they go, oh, we got him.

Yeah, well, it's 15 bucks. But it's only for the one. It's an offering to the gods. You know what I mean? No? Well, you have to bring your wine, the good wine, through carry-on. Well, I'm saying you're trying to look like the guy that, like, I didn't know. I just thought

I'd just... They're not going to look deeper. Yeah. That might, I don't know. But it wouldn't be conclusive. This works all the time. You get a lazy guy that's not looking at all. The first thing, the backpack itself is a tall, like, you know,

a hippie would wear with all his shit in it. So when you can open up a suitcase and flip it open and then there's just a layer this way, you can just peek to the bottom. A backpack, you'd have to wrench out. This is a soft...

Oh, you're talking about like the backpacking backpack. Yes, like a tall vertical one. There's no side pockets. No metal poles. You just have to rip shit out. You put shit in unfolded so they're tearing. They don't want to fuck up your stuff. They don't

want to fold it to put it back. So I might do that. We'll see. I might just be happy with it. That seems like with that seems like what you're saying with your hubris because especially you they're not gonna give you they already know who you are no they don't no not on a cruise ship that's like saying it's cruise ship they already made you an offer to play on it they're not checking his luggage it's a floating caesar's palace these these are that's like saying well you're playing Caesar's Palace. The valet and the security guys will know you.

No, it's Caesar's Palace. It's this huge fucking boat. And they make these offers to different groups of people all the time to basically pay their way on, and it's a publicity thing. So it's not like the Impractical Jokers are at check-in as they're all getting on. He's with us. He's with us. He's with us.

He's cool. They're part of it. And it's Norwegian cruise lines. I don't know where these people are even from that work on that fucking boat. They might actually be in Norwegian. They might be looking through expecting a bribe. Well, that's one thing. A tip I saw online, the only guy that I saw say it, he goes,

I came up with this. I tape a $10 bill to. Oh, yeah. Hang on. Tracy just showed up, so we're getting drinks. Desperately need a quick break. How about we just do that? Let me just finish what I was saying, because I don't even remember now.

Oh, the guy said, I tape a ten dollar bill to the smuggled alcohol and that way a either he's afraid that uh uh he's gonna get caught stealing or b he takes the bribe and the worst that can happen is i lose shitty booze and 10 bucks yeah or the guy takes the 10 the guy takes the 10 and the guy gets the booze through. So, yeah. Alright. Jesus Christ. I hope I didn't talk about all of that with Brian Hennigan on the last podcast and I'm kind of afraid I did. Alright, please hold. We were talking about

because I haven't watched the news since I haven't been working or on the road or in an airport where you're forced to watch because I haven't watched the news since I haven't been working or on the road or in an airport where you're forced to watch Fox News or CNN. So all that shit just went away,

but it still goes on. So I had the news on in here when sports ended, just to have something on that you're not going to pay attention to, but we did. And it's CNN and Donald Trump. And I was saying to Chaley that, well, yeah,

I guess most people wouldn't know Tom Likas, but Donald Trump is like Tom Likas. We just have to say something inappropriate all the time, every so often. Meet it out. Don't say this inappropriate because we already got some steam on this. Save the Ted Cruz was born in another country shit for when we start dropping off the radar. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Just remembered that from last night. It's just people ask you your opinion on it. Well, what do you think about Donald Trump? Who even pays attention to that? I'm with you. I haven't had television, so I don't watch news or anything. I watch Netflix and Hulu and shit, but not TV. I read Newser, which is great because it gives you two paragraphs

of anything they might be talking about for hours at a time. You just, okay, that's the synopsis of it. But Gary Johnson just came out because you were questioning who, if you had to vote today, who you're going to vote for. J.L. is a little piped up

on the whiskey sours last night. gary johnson just announced he's running i don't know the libertarian guy either did i i thought he was governor of new mexico i think i voted for him the last time he ran good good yeah you got one percent that's why my vote doesn't count doug's like gary johnson i'm all that guy the guy like ran like years and years ago got caught up in a scandal it's fucking gary hart 1988 donna rice yeah no no that's not him it's gary johnson who's a governor of new mexico pro weed guy after after he ran for the libertarian party last time he's been the head of a cannabis set sativa the legalized weed movement like but he has no chance of winning the presidency at all but he's pedigreed and he'll definitely uh take away all they need to do is get like five percent

one year and then they have to be led into the debates. But people act like their vote counts, so they won't throw away a vote to get the fucking people they actually like into the next election. It's not that they think their vote doesn't count. They think it does. Well, I'm not going to allow Ted Cruz or Donald Trump to be my next president just because of this. So I won't throw away my vote. Yeah. I'm going to throw away my vote on someone you don't want rather than actually go out and vote to maybe get this guy up to 5%

because you listen to Gary Johnson. But he still wouldn't be anywhere close to the... If enough people threw away their vote, he would get 5%. So the next election... Back to third party, not throw away a vote. I don't think you're throwing away a vote by voting for gary johnson you're throwing away a vote by voting for someone you don't want as president but that's but who is somebody that they would want for president this time around gary johnson what that's what i'm saying i don't know what the fucking computer

i don't know what the choices are i mean yeah that's what the choices are. I mean, yeah, that's. Well, Ron Paul is fucking Weasley. He's not even running. No. Did he drop out finally? You're talking about Rand Paul? Oh, yeah. Rand Paul.

Sorry. Yeah. I guess that means the cocktails have caught up. He's in single digits, man. He should have dropped out a long time ago. Everyone's going to drop after Iowa, so it doesn't even matter. Everyone should wait until that first week yeah it doesn't matter i don't i'm talking about this i watch football i have opinions about that and that's relevant right now because it'll be over in a few weeks uh but they're the same opinion but you i don't give a shit after you said that

last night about tom like is comparing him to, I grew up listening to talk radio in Los Angeles. And Tom Likas, that's where he started. Well, actually, that's where he kind of came on the scene. And you were totally right. It is one of those things where he was doing Tom Likas. You could use either name, Trump or Likas. You could use either name, Trump or Likas. And I said, listen, the only reason he's popular is because he's saying things that get you hot under the collar or you totally agree with for a crazy reason.

That is explaining both of those guys. He reads the paper in the morning and he goes, okay, a six-year-old girl was murdered by whatever. What's the worst possible opinion I can have on this? And I'm going to talk about it on my radio show in the afternoon for four hours. Another caller. You know what? I'm going to blow you up. How about that?

You don't like that? She was asking for it by the way she was dressed. Six years old, all dressed up like a whore. Flash Friday, everyone. Let's hear it. Call in if you see some boobies out there. Incredible. That was it good god it's so nice to be away from all that let's uh let's get to the fucking serious news now with d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- real world right now. Chad Shank with the police beat. Tell them real problems going on in the world.

Doug, a white van was seen at Juniper Flats with a male and female inside and lighters being used. The caller suspected drug activity. However, the couple was just watching the sunrise. But it's always good to be vigilant. Vigilant. Vigilant.

Vigilant. Oh, I thought about it while I was saying it, and I thought that sounds wrong. And then I said it, and I sounded right. Vigilant. Be vigilant and vigilant at the same time. Your linguistic fuck up that was worse than mine that you made fun of me earlier. Oh, well, cut mine out. No one heard that one.

Is a villagent a poor villager? Villagent, that's where you go for breakfast when you're hungover, isn't it? Good turkey omelet with hollandaise sauce. Yeah, it's fucking good. Endless cup of coffee.

A caller from Hazard Street heard a noise. When he went out to smoke, he heard a voice yelling, Help me, for about five minutes. He said it sounded like a young man or an older woman. First of all, what's that uh story a nightmare on 42nd street where the woman was screaming scream for help for five minutes what fucking before he called heartless bastard he didn't even go check it out he probably was calling a noise complaint some woman or young boy keeps yelling help me and i'm trying to sleep. I worked a double.

He was trying to smoke. What a dick. Help me. Anyone got a light? Anyone? He's holding a cigarette. Help me. I'm going outside to smoke.

I might as well have some entertainment. Well, if you're going to call in complaining about someone who really needs help and is yelling, you wouldn't call in and go, someone keeps yelling, help me. You'd say, hey, I'm calling to complain about someone yelling down the street it's fucking getting ridiculous been like four and a half minutes already like what are they yelling they're not gonna say what all right back to the police beat with chad shank a woman went into print and stitch stating she was not happy with the christmas stockings they had printed for her and that she would not pay for them. She then left without paying, but took the stockings with her.

Well, Print and Stitch. Do you remember Print and Stitch? Hey, suck it up, Print and Stitch. I not only got fucked over by Lolli Chevrolet for $4,200, which I can't prove because I don't know what a fucking oil pan is or a valve gasket. But yeah, I got fucked over by Print and Stitch for $7,000. Remember those Sausage Army football jerseys that were supposed to be regular sized jerseys, but they were like ladies, kids fucking jerseys. 80s half shirts. Yeah, I ate $7,000

fucking dollars on that bad beat and I couldn't sell them. Well, yeah, they're tit for tat, cunt. That and the blue polo shirts that said colon cancer were the hardest to sell. Cunt cancer. Cunt cancer awareness. We should bring those out again.

Anyway, I'm getting back into the real news. Chad Shank, are you still okay out there in the field with your UN helmet? I feel pretty safe and helmeted. A Hereford caller found it suspicious that landscaping slash construction type people were standing around in the neighborhood when there were no current construction jobs. Well, Donald Trump will change all that. He'll have these people working on a wall any minute.

Don't worry, concerned caller. What else you got, Chad? There was an angry rattlesnake in the air conditioning unit of a double Adobe residence. You know what? To be fair, rattlesnakes look angry just because they don't have eyebrows. They've got this shield that helps

them when they're going through the sand. They look angry, but they're not. A constant viper look. Like that weird baby on The Simpsons? Yeah, it looks like anger, but it's not. Never seen a rattlesnake curl over on his back saying,

rub my belly? Yeah. Like a cat? No. Every one that I've seen was always angry. But... Or did you project that anger?

The point is that the woman has remained villagent. It's fucking... ISIS is using the social media to recruit the angry rattlesnakes you got anything else chad uh just one thing for now doug a knocko woman requested welfare but hold on they didn't put a in there so it fucked me me up. I'll fix it for them. A NACO woman requested a welfare check on a crazy person hanging out near her property. What's a welfare check anyway?

I think that's where you just make sure somebody's okay. Yeah, but if this crazy person's crazy, you're using that adjective, crazy, then it's not like, hey, can you come out and make sure she's crazy before I call in the complaint for a crazy person? It's busy. That's code for come shoot this guy. Oh, close on the fucking local hot topic. All right.

And thanks for listening to the podcast brought to you this week by Squarespace dot com. Start your free trial site today at squarespace.com and when you sign up for squarespace make sure you use the offer code doug stanhope to get 10 off your first purchase squarespace build it beautiful chad shank what song do you want to hear shit we can use burning rob by the mattoid burning rob by the Mattoid. Burnin' Rob by the Mattoid. Enjoy! Let's rock! Ah! I bought a Christian record from Christian record store

Would have bought two but wanted to keep money for the poor Came back home and put it on my turntable Laid it backwards cause I wanted to know what's going on Soon all I wanted to do was to go and get drunk Go and get drunk and take lots of drugs Take lots of drugs and have lots of sex Then go out and kill everybody in my neighborhood Kill

Burn and rock, burnin' rock Christians make me wanna burnin' rock Burnin' rock, burnin' rock Kill everybody and quit my job Burnin' rock, burnin' rock Christians make me wanna burnin' rock Yeah Glory, holy

Thanks So I broke into my neighbor's house And killed them with an axe Stole all the money and drove off with the Humvee Got myself loads of drugs and booze Then found myself a naughty and had loads of nasty sex It was kinky Kinky sex

Burnin' rock, burnin' rock Christians make wanna burnin' rock Burnin' rock, burnin' rock Have lots of sex and take lots of drugs Burnin' rock, burnin' rock Christians make wanna burnin' rock Yeah Hallelujah Yeah. Spreading fire and disease Gonna burn through the devil down on my knees Dear Satan, you nasty son of a gun

Dear Satan, I know I'm having fun Dear Satan, I thank you for the sex Dear Satan, drugs and all the rest So Satan, why don't you tell those Christians to make another Christian record That I don't need to play backwards no more No more It sucks Burn and rock, burn and rock

Christians make a lot of burn and rock Burn and rock, burn and rock Love the devil, not believe in God Burn and rot, burn and rot Christmas made me wanna burn and rot Burn and rot, burn and rot Love the devil, not believe in God Outro Music