The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #120: Doug and Bingo Breakup???

Episode Date: January 20, 2016

Splitsville?Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon  This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.Following a 6 day bender on the Impractical Jokers Fan Cruise, Doug and Bingo are history?Recorded Jan. 17, 2016 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), Neighbor Dave (@NabrDaveBisbee), Crazy Rob & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -The Impractical Jokers -@truTVjokersPre-Order Doug's book “DIGGING UP MOTHER” through Amazon athttp://amzn.to/1NXiQy5Brian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing Songs, "Party Time" by The Mattoid. Check out The Mattoid on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by Squarespace, actual sponsor. Start building your website today at squarespace.com. Enter offer code DougStanhope at checkout to get 10% off. Squarespace, build it beautiful. All right, so we do the Impractical Jokers tour. Rained every day. Miserable rain.

Are you treating this like a podcast or are we just going to sleep? We'll probably have to redo this but it'll be funnier if I do it before I know all the details. Okay. Because right now, it's funny to me. Yeah, she's gone.

I need a co-host. Who's stepping in? All right. I'll start it out. Good. Kenny. Kenny, you'll take over. Smuggled all that booze on, over 200 ounces.

I actually took pictures, but a lot of them were flasks, and they were 200 milliliters versus ounces, and I couldn't do the conversion. Shitloads of booze. Their prices on the cruise, we were paying $12 for a vodka soda when we were buying them. So 200 ounces is 150 measured drinks. An ounce and a half is a measured drink. Yeah, we fucked him on that.

But I had to make sure I drank all of it. I didn't, but I was trying to. So there's a lot of blurry days, missed moments. But one of the days in Cozumel, we stop in Cozumel. There you are, Steve Drew. Why couldn't it be you? I'm like, I could understand Steve Drew. Why not you? I haven't got up to that point. I haven't got up to that point yet. Most people here don't know what the fuck's going on. So the third day we land in Cozumel. I'm not leaving the boat.

And it's shitty, rainy, awful, like heavy rain. But I know everyone's going to be off the boat. So let's hit the hot tub. We're shit-faced early. I woke up shit-faced. I'm drinking all that smuggled booze. So I woke up drunk. Let's just keep hitting it.

Everyone's going to be off the boat one pool on the boat one pool for 1800 people thank god it fucking rained every day and two hot tubs and the fattest people in the world fat people here on stoner row you would have felt slim on this fucking boat it was so we get in the hot tub and we start drinking and i'm buying rounds for everyone and uh But anyway, 48 hours into this heavy drunk, I think it's a good idea to bring this girl back to my room. Knowing bingo's in the room, I still think it's a good idea to bring this girl back to my room. She had her own room. It wasn't until the next day I go, why didn't I just cheat on her in your room where I wouldn't have got caught, much less go in and have her go, all right, I'm just going to leave. You got caught pre-cheat. I was the worst cheat ever because in one of the bags I smuggled, the dildo bag.

I don't know if the dildo. Yes, the dildo bag. I had all these dildos and baby oil, and I don't know this girl, so I'm like, let's use all this shit. Can I grab an ashtray? I know I'm not supposed to be smoking in my own house. Oh, that's not an ashtray. It is now. Everything's an ashtray. It is now. Everything's an ashtray now.

So there's baby oil handprints all over the wall. Everything's smeared in baby oil. I immediately pass out. She goes away. Bingo at some point comes in and went, yeah, I came back like three times when you were fucking that girl. I listened at the door, I heard you spanking her, and I'm like, I can still lie my way out of this.

Uncle Bill, Uncle Bill, what did you tell me? Your four or five rules of life one of them is always denied denied denied never rat yourself out i was trying to go with this i had a million excuses i went with me i blacked out i don't know maybe it was another guy that was fucking her that I invited over. I just nonsense. There's there's small handprints and there's big handprints and baby oil all over. But what the what this led to was her admitting that she's leaving me anyway because she's in love with a local fucking hobo guitar picker in town. And she was leaving me anyway.

And I'm like, did I have to fuck this weird? 23 years old, by the way. Thank you. Less than half my age. Beautiful, big tittied girl. But when were you going gonna tell me otherwise if i hadn't have been drunk enough to think i could have cheated on you in front of you and that that you would be a participant how how long would it have been until you told me you're leaving me for some dude

so yeah bingo and i are dunsville. She really wanted to be part of this podcast, but she had to go meet that dude. We can get him on Skype. She said it was the next day and she said yeah, I fell in love with someone else and

that's how we met. That's how Bingo and I met. I was with my now ex wife and i fell in love with bingo yeah and when you fall in love you gotta chase that shit you know all the all the nonsense that's the only good thing that's not uh. You can get that. You can do ecstasy and have that for a minute, but that's the real shit. It's organic. There's no futzing around. And it's the best

thing in life. So run amok, lady. I'm on your side. I high-fived her immediately. I wasn't like, what? With oil? Yeah, a little oily. A little oily high five. And then it turned into just a fucking nightmare of travel. The ship, not traveling with someone.

Just getting off the ship. You have to leave. Oh, it's a 7.30 a.m. checkout? Fuck you. You cocksuckers. The cruise ships are so manipulative. You know the movie Westworld? You feel controlled like there's people behind the scenes controlling every dime you spend,

how to fuck you out of another dime. We're supposed to get off the boat, and we're just shit-faced. This is two days after we broke up, and we're still getting along. Everything's fine. How to fuck that 23-year-old again. I think international waters, you have to.

How often do you have these chances? Yeah. And then, so the gang plank or gang walk or whatever the thing you walk off the boat broke so there's a delay just leaving the ship there's a delay then we get to miami airport and we have a like seven hours to kill time delayed so we miss our connection atlanta have to stay overnight in the airport in atlanta then delayed in salt lake city because they had to move us to a different flight so we have a double banger and then delayed and i almost broke down in fucking tears at salt lake this afternoon i'm like

i i walked up to the planes trains and automobiles the scene where he walks up to the rental car counter and he's like you gave me a fucking car that doesn't fucking exist i went up to the woman and i told her everything that had just happened from the rainy cruise to cheating on my wife my wife leaving me spending 24 hours in airports and i just i said i i just want to go home just i just want to go home i don just want to go home. I don't care if it's on another airline, but just tell me if you're lying to me that it's only an hour

delay because I just want to go home. So we're home and I don't know if you heard me, Derek. Bingo says, because it's a very friendly, amicable, 10 years done relationship. And she goes, so who's the first person you're going to bang in town?

And I go, hopefully nobody at all in this town. I'll import one if I need to. And then I went, wait, no, probably be Bree. Because if you destroyed my relationship, I want to destroy Derek's relationship. Pay it forward, right? Pay it forward. It happened to me as a kid.

Now it's going to happen to me as a kid now it's gonna happen to you get on the mic i only had one question now uh bingo's job was to feed and water the dogs does that mean we're putting them down because she's not here to do that uh i actually i can read you a text oh chad shank, who's on his way. We'll do part two with Chad Shank after the game. Chad Shank said something. I go, well, you know, I was going to stick her with Ichabod because she's the reason I have dogs. She had to have this stray fucking dog.

And I go, but if I stuck her with Ichabod, now where she lives, fucking shit in an outhouse with three kids. Yeah. Oh, you know who it is? Yeah. I go, she won't even walk the fucking dogs in our relationship. Ichabod would die if I. Just let him go there.

But yeah, I'd do that to Henry Phillips, but not Ichabod. All right, well, that's part one of this blast of emotional enema. But you know what? We have to do priorities. Packers, Cardinals. Relationships come and go, but Packers, Cardinals. That's a once-in-a-lifetime. We'll be back after this brief message.

Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirts, podcast T-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents T-shirts. Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist and a whole shitload of uh cds and dvds that span a lifetime a sad tragic bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications so help me get that shit out of my crawl space.

Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. This devastating breakup is brought to you tonight by Squarespace. Squarespace, we have our podcast. I mean our... That's all, folks. Website. Our website is, yeah, Squarespace.

It's hosted and it's created through a template on Squarespace. If you start building your website today at Squarespace.com and enter the offer code DougGSTANHOPE at checkout. You'll get 10% off. And if you don't use Squarespace, you're not a real comedian because we went through the litany of comedians who use Squarespace for their websites because comedians suck at shit that's business savvy a good comedian sucks at business and squarespace makes it so easy to build a website even sean rouse could do it

inside reference well then you don't know fucking comedy but build yours uh uh website through squarespace chad shank we're gonna build him a squarespace website i think we should i was fucking comedy. But build your website through Squarespace. Chad Shank, we're going to build him a Squarespace website. I think we should. I was thinking about that. We're going to make Chad Shank famous against his will. As this breakup has gone on,

I've been texting Chad Shank. I told him, listen, Bingo and I are splitting up everything. So I said, you get Chad Shank, I get Johnny Depp. Well, actually, the Loyals will have to decide that. Yeah, now I'm reneging. I'm like, no, I think I want Chad Shank. Stop, stop, stop.

So, yes, Squ squarespace you do this chaley took over my website and he's a man of my age we're near 50 fucking years old and you figured out squarespace and you're a guy that does this shit even though you're bad at it you were good at it when you did my website 20 years that was back then that was a time when uh no one would really try and build a website using html and uh basically it's kind of coding and it is fucking hair pulling this is so simple now you get you get with with the uh with a one-year subscription. They'll host your site. You'll get your domain name for free for that first year. I mean, you can't lose.

If you want to get a website, you want to get up there. Something simple. It's a template. You want to change it, you just change the template. I can honestly promote Squarespace because I know I use it, and I know you can do it. That's how simple it is. So I have no problem taking

their money to promote them. Squarespace.com. What am I reading again? Their tagline. By the one. Before moving on to core talking point section. Oh wait, not that part.

Cut. Just use fucking Squarespace make yourself some kind of fucking thing and then text me go hey just because you promoted it Doug Stanhope I got a Squarespace site I used the code

Doug Stanhope to get 10% off and I did it just for you because that's how this bullshit works now let's get back to i just got dumped by my girlfriend on a fucking cruise hold on you gotta say that last part right there square space build it beautiful crazy rob is here What happened with your career? Are you still playing baseball? I'm still trying to play ball.

My brother's going with me. I'm a free agent now, so still trying to swing it back. Still trying? Are you with a, well, I guess it's winter. You're not with a team. I'm just trying to get invited to a spring training and go out to Cali and play. That's basically what it is. No to the killer termites.

Free agent. Let that dog out. Ryan, let the dog out. Yeah. Otherwise, I'll fuck up the podcast. We'll get back to Crazy Rob. Remind him to keep the cell phone with him at all times, unlike the guy at the New England. Oh, Gabe.

Yeah. Yeah. We'll get to that. I have my own fucking problems. I just get dumped on a cruise ship, Uncle Bill. Bingo and I are splits, Bill. Did you hear this? I didn't. This is the first time. We just went on a cruise.

You know the show The Impractical Jokers? I watch it all the time. Love the show. Friends of ours. Look outside. They're looking for a Super Bowl. Oh, my God. No! They're burning the Christmas tree.

That's for Super Bowl, you cocksuckers. Jesus, look at them jump. All right, there's a huge fire. Huge fire. He's dragging the burning tree. Yeah, first your your girlfriend now your house well half of her house so bingo and I went on a cruise

it's the impractical jokers fan cruise and we saw that we booked it cruise ships suck shit everything about cruise ships, Norwegian cruise lines, fuck you.

Impractical jokers were great. But somewhere in the middle, I had an indiscretion and I banged a girl your girlfriend's age. Me and Kira are no more. Now you can tell them. It was her.

Damn it. So, but I also, I just filmed two specials in two nights here. We actually set up a stage right there in the Funhouse. We had like 35 people here.

And we filmed this special here. The next night we filmed it at the Bisbee Royale, the other special, and I have no more material. So then my girlfriend dumps me, and I'm going, oh, now I have 10 years of stories I could never say out loud because I had a girlfriend. MySpace days. 2006,

2007, there was a girl named the queen of all obscene. She was a titty dancer in Detroit. I play Detroit. I'm coming to your show. She's like, where's the coke? I'm coming to your show. She's like, where's the coke? I'm going to get coke.

Where's the coke? Like every cliche of a titty dancer, she gets coke. The opening act is a kid. He was like 20-something. His whole act was about how he's a 24-year-old virgin. And there's another funny thing about being a 24-year-old virgin. He's also my ride. He's the opening act and my ride.

So he drives me back to the hotel with the queen of all obscene and her less attractive friend. We're doing coke in the hotel room, and at some point, a titty dancer can go from I'm a titty dancer to I'm out of coke, I'm a prostitute. And I saw that look in her eyes. So I offered her, I'm gauging $400 but

a few hundred dollars to fuck that kid to ruin his act yeah so I give her the money she goes in the bathroom of my hotel room. She fucks him.

Then she starts flipping out. I don't like this. This guy's weird. And I go, dude, yeah, you just have to go. You're sober enough to drive yourself home. Then I go, well, if she's going to fuck him for that much money, she'll fuck me for a little bit less because I'm headlining. And she did while her fat friend pretended to sleep.

All right. And then I get back and I'm on my computer all the time like you were in the MySpace days, checking my MySpace. And she keeps texting or emailing whatever on myspace she keeps messaging me on myspace and i'm like fuck you gotta stop because i don't know when bingo is going to be over my shoulder seeing me talking about her fucking me on the road when she wasn't there. And it was two or three weeks later that the fat friend, the less attractive... I know most of my friends here are fat.

I'm not casting aspersions, I'm saying. Her attitude was fat. The big girl... The big girl that pretended to be asleep said, I don't know if you already heard about this, but Rachel died of a cocaine overdose. And I literally fist pumped going, God, yes!

She's not going to be able to rat me out anymore. And that's when I knew I was an awful person. So when Bingo left me on this cruise ship, there's still that in my head that said, you did the right thing. I'm a fucking terrible person. We have good football days, but inside,

I fuck you accidentally behind my girlfriend's back and then you die and I fist bump by myself going, oh, thank God. So now these are stories I can tell on the road. I have a question.

How do you accidentally fuck? Well, when you're drunk and you're coked up, you do bad, bad things. She slipped, fell in his dick. Okay, that works. I'll set her for that. The Chris Rock joke that the one you go,

oh fuck, why didn't I think of that? Is a man is only as faithful as he has options. Yes. And that night, I had options. So, yeah, that's how you fuck up, Kenny. Okay. You have no options.

No options. What are you saying about me? I have no options. Oh, Lordy. He has no options. You have all the options in the world. You're a single-ish girl in a small town. You could fuck everyone in this room with Kenny as a cuckold crying in a corner.

Kenny does not have that option. Kenny does not have that option. Hey, hey, every lady in the room ready to fuck Kenny to just watch his girlfriend cry? Cricket, cricket. That's okay. That's okay. So, yeah, yeah. Tonight it's funny that's why i've said chaley get the podcasting equipment ready because as soon as i get in because tomorrow it's gonna suck kickoff oh and

it's uh all right and that's the uh end of this part of the podcast kickoff of the packers cardinals game just started second half we'll wrap this up afterwards when I'm crying. You can't have no Doug and Bingo. It's usually 10 years of Doug and Bingo. You can't just end that. But it's ended.

It's usually everybody get the fuck out tonight. It's everybody please hang out. I still love that girl. Do you have those backup cigarettes? Yes. Well, no, actually. Probably Derek smoked them all because.

I don't have the backup cigarettes because I'm. Yeah, all right. You tried to stash them between the cable box and the daily. Hang on. Is this my whole pack? No, you don't have to do that. Here's what I did. Here's what I did, people.

I had a big bag of dildos that I smuggled booze in. Everyone knows about the big bag of dildos. Did we talk about this on the last podcast? No. I don't know. As long as it's on a podcast. This is not a... Babe, I'll let you hear it.

All right. I had to ask around because there's no adult bookstore in town. I had to ask ladies of a certain disposition if they could drop off any unused dildos that they own. Suzanne! So I had... Bingo had one dildo. Suzanne had four. Stockingo had one dildo. Suzanne had four. Stocks had one.

So I had a big bag of dildos to smuggle booze. I put the booze on the bottom, even hardly dropped off. Teenage Ass Eaters was the name of the porn. I go, I want a whole bag of porn and dildos. was the name of the porn. I go, I want a whole bag of porn and dildos. So if anyone that's working security on Norwegian cruise lines is that desperate to find booze in my bag, they're going to have to go through dildo, porn, dildo, porn,

dog leash, porn, Mexican Viagra, porn. KY. KY. Fake police badge. Down to the bag of booze at the bottom, which I had marked vodka with a V, and Kenny says, oh, no, you should mark that KY. Yes. So I mark that KY. Yes. So I marked it KY.

They didn't fuck with any of my booze. But had all the dildos. After I had a small indiscretion with a 23-year-old girl, high-five me, Derek. Fucking right. High five me, Derek. After that, through all Suzanne's dildos off the back. Derek. Right now there's a dolphin choking to death

with Suzanne's dildos in its blowhole. Yeah. Because I littered. Oh, my Lord. in its blowhole. Because I littered. But because Bingo, and she really did want to be on this podcast, but she had to go meet the guy that she's leaving me for who rode a mule

down from his fucking outhouse. Fucking Bisbee Beverly Hillbillies dude she had to meet him she couldn't be here so I'll tell you this what I did is the one dildo that I did keep and steal

was Bingo's dildo and I'm going to use that as a garden gnome and I'm going to take that as a garden gnome. And I'm going to take that when I go back on tour, and I'm going to take pictures of her dildo everywhere, with any girl, any hotel, everywhere. Oh, sorry. Travel in dildo. Yes.

It's going to be the garden gnome dildo. Hey, we'll be right back after the Cardinals beat the Packers. Yeah! Go, Jets. Go, Packers! Go! Go, Cardinals! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee, and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands.

If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell if it's available, and I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com Dell theshadydell.com theshadydell.com it's a vintage trailer park trailers done to the nines just like it's 1958

you're gonna love it I will come down I'll have cocktails with you I might maybe we burn a steak I don't know but stay there if you're in town and I'm in town I will see you there

and now back to the podcast, already in drudgery. Oh, it's fun. Round of applause, standing ovation. Hi. Are you rolling? We are now. Cut, Sam. All right.

Who's bartending? I need a drink. What do you need? Give me a drink. Son of a bitch. Give me a drink. One more night. What are you drinking lady Very strong vodka And soda water Just straight whiskey

Straight whiskey and ice Bring me the bottle Where's Derek Derek God damn it In the bedroom There's a bottle of Bushmills underneath the TV Bushmills work

Never mind Never mind Kenny When we left you last On this podcast We did parts one and two last night. Thank you. I don't remember a lot of it, but I knew I had passion when I was saying it. That's right.

And so we kind of covered the cruise, my bad decisions. Did you cover your bad decisions? Yeah, yeah. It seemed like somehow I could pull that off. So I'm not going to look like such a dick. No, no, you're not going to look like a dick. Do your intro. My intro? What's my intro?

I want you to introduce everyone that's different. Well, you know what? We'll do this town hall style. But on the mics right now, Bingo is here to wrap up. Chad Shank is here to make sure it doesn't get violent. Unless he wants it to get violent. And Chaley's on the mic. And we have a whole group of friends who are very supportive. They tell you when fucking Alex walked in, he goes,

Hey, it's a beautiful day outside. Except for you, except for you. You got dumped. So there's been a lot of beautiful ball busting going on, and that's what we needed. So at any point, we'll open up the floor for questions. But until then, let's try to recap. I wrote, well, actually, Brad wrote a lot of shit down that I go, oh, on part three, I should talk about this shit. There was that couple that we saved.

Yeah, and then broke up the next day. Then we broke up the next day. And she went to the brig. That's the podcast I want to do. Like the jail? It was very late at night. Yes, there was boat jail. And she went to the brig. Yeah. That's the podcast I want to do. Like the jail on? Mm-hmm. It was very late at night.

Yes, there was boat jail. It was very late at night, and some guy comes down. Adam was his name. And he's like, my wife left me. Well, no. Let's get to this. What? Get to the good parts?

Let's get to the good parts. Let's do this. Well, we already did a lot of the good parts you weren't here for. Okay. All right. All right. Well, let's get to the good parts. Let's do this. Well, we already did a lot of the good parts you weren't here for. Okay. All right. All right. Well, let's get to the good parts. Yes. I brought some 23-year-old stripper back to the room after a 48-hour nonstop drinking binge,

thinking this could work out. To my room with bingo in it. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Well, we've done that a million times. It's not like we haven't done that before. Yeah, so that happened. Bingo left immediately.

I was not in at the time. I was not in. She was a cute girl. She was cute. She looked like Felicia Michaels for any comics out there back in her Playboy days. Yeah, she was great. Yeah. And then you broke out that you were leaving me anyway for a local guy.

But we got along magnificently after that. We broke up on air. Remember? Oh, no, I don't remember this. And we signed releases, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Oh, that's right, because some guy...

I forget about this part. They were doing the bingo thing. Everyone's filming because it's the Impractical Jokers crew. So they're filming anything they can film that can be part of whatever special they're doing. And someone proposed to his girlfriend on camera. And I go, oh, we have to go the other direction. Hey, you know what? We broke up on this crew.

So good luck to you. But it was a fantastic breakup. It was incredible. Did you tell them what we did to my pants? No. We threw a lot of stuff overboard. I know, but this was our breakup throw-off-the-board thing. We took my pants.

Your pajama pants. Yeah, and we watched them wave in the wind, the hot pink stars. And they waved and waved and waved and finally landed in the ocean. And we high-fived to 10 fucking awesome years. I also threw a lot of dildos off the boat. You did do that. Sorry about that, neighbors. I think we talked about that.

That's what my dildo does. We talked about how many dolphins have a fucking dildo jammed in their blowhole now. I was hoping it was your guys' dildos. I was just picturing a bunch of pissed off people on the cruise chasing you. Bring back my dildo! That's with my dildo because mine was a decoy too. And I was just like, did you use this on her? Because I'll get a new one.

Just tell me, did you use it on her? No, but you're going to hear it on the podcast eventually because we talked about this last night. I did steal your dildo so I can take pictures of it all over the place like a garden gnome. Oh, you did? Okay, alright. I'll get a new one. Somebody's knitting blue hair for it right now. Don't mind that, Jimmy.

So, yeah, the brig and the thing and the... So now we have to figure out how to break up after 10 years, which is going to be difficult. You know, just... We started splitting up friends on the cruise I told Chad I traded you for Johnny Depp but I kind of want him back

Johnny Depp doesn't kill on a fucking podcast I can't remember who we don't worry everyone involved we were kidding but it was still funny Kenny you get traded for someone good Don't worry, everyone involved, we were kidding, but it was still funny. Kenny, you get traded for someone good. She's like, fucking Kenny?

I did not. I did not say that. I don't remember the details. I guess I'll take Kenny. I have to. As bad as Kenny feels right now, I felt that much better. I had all kinds of trade value. Being picked last on the playground really sucks. I think I took Evelyn and you got neighbor Dave,

but everyone wants Evelyn. Everybody wants Evelyn. I think I did make some rude remarks about your wife in a sexual manner. Oh, my Christ, did you? Oh, my God, you made me, like, skip up. It was terrible. He's huffing and puffing. If I had my CPAP on the machine on and you hopped in bed with us,

I wouldn't even know you were there. If you could actually lift your girth over to a microphone, the audience would have heard that. As he stuffs more artichoke dip into his face. Didn't even move him at all. So where do you want this podcast to go? Well, we're trying to do a wrap up. Because we did two parts last night about all the problems that happened on the cruise.

I didn't mention any names. Okay. We could go with what I left for what I have. Go ahead. Very funny. I did not mention names, but I did say he's got three kids in an outhouse. And Kenny goes, oh, I know. So you spent the night, was that your first night in the outhouse?

Yeah, and as I was taking a shit, there's not a door on the outhouse because he doesn't, no, listen, listen, listen, it gets better. No, the good outhouse, there's a couple of owls living in it. And he wants to keep the owls there. So I get to use... You can't shit in the owl outhouse. No. Don't stink that place up.

They're protected. Owls, lady. So I shit in the shittier outhouse. Did you bring me cigarettes, by the way? I forgot. I knew you'd fucking forget. There's so many things that i'm trying to use as positives i'm sorry oh and here comes suzanne don't think your name hasn't come up a lot

no i said today this is a conversation i'm gonna have b and I broke up, so you caught me at a weak moment. I'm going to fist you, but I'm still going to use protection as I wiggle a rubber fist into the microphone. This is our breakup podcast. Grab a drink. Launched all your dildos off the back of a cruise ship. They're stuck in dolphins' blowholes. We've been over it. You owe me a gift certificate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on mic if you need to talk. Okay. So you spent the night and you had to shit in the cold outhouse. Yeah, yeah. The one without the owls. Without the owls.

There's no owls in there. There's no door. How many outhouses does this man have? I can't do. He sounds flush. I have more than one outhouse lady. Take your pick, except for that one. But he loves me so much, he would put in a toilet.

He would put in a toilet for me, just for me. He'd put in a toilet for you? No, he would do that. Oh, he would. When he's walking you. If he didn't spend all his money on blow. No, that's me. I'm the one with the blow problem.

Well, rumors are flying all over the house, but they've been mostly fun. Good fun. So what else? After the owls. Ask me questions.

I don't want to get everyone weirded out, but when you laid down last night with him on those bales of hay next to the donkey, I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. This is great. No, this is funny. He trimmed up his beard because he accidentally

set it on fire with the wood stove. This happened. He had to trim up, so he's all trimmed up now today. All trimmed. How do I feel bad for you dumping me? Let's see what else. The only way this would be even is if you brought the stripper back here to live with you.

We've been texting. We've got her number. We've got her number. But you don't know, I've got her number we've got her number but you don't know I've got her number too so fuck you oh by the way Erin the bartender cool bartender from did we talk to her yesterday

she said it was great to see you wish we could hang out more and I go I don't really remember seeing her at all no we saw her she has a new number so get the new number from her. Okay. I got it. I got it. Alright. Yeah, I guess we have to

trade out bartenders. Yeah, who gets Aaron? I'll take backdoor Mike. You get Aaron. Cut. Oh, no, fuck it. Connie. I'll take Connie. You get Aaron. That's fair trade. That's fair trade. Connie and Aaron. What else?

I'm taking Shawnee. You get Gretchen. That's an easy one. I mean, we have similar projects. I'm not doing a fucking coloring book with you, and he's not going to make fucking metal palm trees at whatever gutter estate this guy lives in, some cave. at whatever gutter estate this guy lives in, some cave.

Is the outhouse going to make it to the coloring book? It should be the last page. I should do two coloring books. Oh, fuck. I've got to write that down, too. I've been really drunk for six or seven days. But yeah, now I have to take you out. I have to do the flap for the book where I just had a

to bingo. Or now I can just make it mean. That would... It was already mean. It was to bingo. You'll never read this book because you're retarded. But I already read you the best parts anyway. So it was already kind of mean.

Okay, so yeah. Make it meaner. I texted my ex-wife just because she needed the schadenfreude. Yeah, that's fine. I was never... I moved here with Renee and then within

three weeks we broke up and she moved in immediately. But we can show we can do this right. Since like 2001. Hey, we can do this right, though. No, we are doing it right. We can do this right. It's just now I'm an old dude.

I said to them earlier, I go, was there any road accidents? Because the busload of single ladies that have heard about my new status of availability have not shown up. Maybe they had a flat tire. The tunnel's blocked. I've been turning them away at the gate. I didn't know you wanted me to let them in. The reason I was late is because we had to fix the wheelies,

the truck, to get here. Yeah, I said, where are you? You were on your way a while ago. She goes, we're putting oil in the truck. And I thought you were talking about the Tahoe. And I'm like, I think she was talking about the Tom Joe Jalopy he probably drives with the three kids. How old are the kids? Four, eight, and ten.

Wow. You're fit to be a mother. Absolutely fit to be a mother. I never signed on to be a mother. Absolutely fit to be a mother. I never signed on to be a mother. You're good with Lindy Mindy's kids. Stop it. You could be a BFF. No, do you want to know what's going on mentally or not?

Because if you don't, because it would go dark. The podcast will go dark if you do that. You know what? The worst thing we could do to this podcast is make it dark. Is someone going to commit suicide on this one too? that. You know what? The worst thing we could do to this podcast is make it dark. Is someone going to commit suicide on this one too? Maybe. You? If you want to go dark, if you want to go real,

I'll talk to you about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you don't, then I won't. Absolutely. Okay. Then we can fucking get it out there. Alright, good. Well, then I'm going to need a drink. Cocktails. Can I switch from beer? What do you need, Cheshy? Vodka, soda, something, please. So what's up?

Here's the thing. Here's the thing. If I say this out loud, I'm terrified. Chaley will edit it if you have buyer's remorse. Buyer's remorse is I will get locked up if people hear this. I will get locked up. No, it's a comedy podcast. Okay. Remember how we pretended

this is all a joke it's comedy you can't go to jail if you're just joking okay hyperbole is not against the law okay so what's up what's really up is you know that in the past my episodes have gone confusing people for other people sometimes and I thought you were other people before don't worry Steve Drew is fucking golden in my eyes and I kept last night one of my few

memories was going why could it be you I like you you're not some punk assass fake Leon Redbone. There was that one time on tour where Bingo... It's not Leon Redbone, by the way. I really enjoy Leon Redbone's work. It's not Leon Redbone. I'm sorry you're getting cock-blocked right now.

That's fucked up. What Bingo was saying about how she has trouble. Hang on, that 23-year-old stripper is texting me. Anyway. So seriously. Bingo's talking about the episodes where she confuses someone. He's physically there. So let him tell the story.

For the listeners, I just want to backtrack. If you remember the story where we had to carry her out of a Denny's, like some kind of weird date rape in rock island illinois that's what she was going through she couldn't tell she thought steve drew and i were the same person and that she made us all up in her imagination and she is being challenged to die but she doesn't have the courage and she has to just make herself die that was yeah that was it was a bad show that night i'll just uh so you're having those things again it's all over again except it's it's i can tell it's i'm getting closer i'm genuinely getting closer i know know what's right. How much of it's Coke related? None of it.

Really? Because when I went to Lindy's, that was all to get off. Nothing. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I can tell you that honestly. But I am understanding. I'm trying to understand what this reality truly is.

And I need to accept myself and when that happens I will take my life that's going to happen that's what I'm supposed to do and I will figure it out it's not right now it's not happening right now but

the whole thing with this whatever is all related and Mr. Can't you accept But the whole thing with this, whatever, is all related. And Mr. But can't you accept that we might have made a lot of right choices in life to have this many good friends that can just sit and handle this? I understand that. That's not even close to the. What you're saying with all this. Like, yeah, we live a really fucked up life.

Johnny Depp doesn't exist in my head. Like, why would me, someone from Lebanon, Oregon. That's why I traded back for Chad Shank. Okay. Whatever. Why would Johnny fucking Depp read my book? It didn't happen. That doesn't happen.

I'm from a small town. I'm nothing. I have to realize this is not real. This is not fucking reality, Stanhope. You are, you're not. But we worked really hard to make this a reality. I know, I know, I know, I know. But it's, it's getting close to, I need.

So what are you going to do about it? Well, I'm scared. Other than kill yourself? Well, I'm scared. Like, what's your B plan if killing yourself doesn't work out? But, like, even last night, like, the whole thing with, um, Derek? Derek?

Good thing I'm not on mic, right? That was great. But the whole thing with... Sorry. No, it was great timing. Every time Derek's name comes up, now we got to play that guitar. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That would be great. So the Derek thing. So the Derek thing, finding him dead like how I found him with his brains, you know, all over the fucking place. You know, I'm not supposed to be, I'm accepting all that now, like accepting that in a way that that was supposed to happen. I was definitely supposed to see that. It's okay. That's okay. They did it out of, out of true love. They did it out of true love. It's okay they did it out of out of true love they did it out of true love it's okay and i am

understanding that now and it's scary because i'm not ready i was just like okay i'm just getting i'm i'm closer and closer to being strong enough to being strong enough so you're going through the same thing where you yeah you're you're the not hours that be are daring you to kill yourself not drug-related and i am on my medications so this is real to me this is fucking real all right so what do you do i write it until the time is right i it's not right yet the coloring book it doesn't what Who's going to see? I mean, come on. It's all... The fans. The fans.

I just fucked a stripper. Jesus Christ. You moved into some dude's house with a burned beard and an outhouse thinking that's going to help your mental status. No, I think that's you.

You don't understand. I think that's you. That guy? I think that's you. I didn't mind being Steve Drew, but don't... You've been downgraded in her delusions.

I know. Terrible state of affairs. Beards are hip now, though. The lumberjack thing is... So, I guess... The text that I got from him... Oh, shit. Can you read some copy for us?

We have a... What do you have? Squarespace. Squarespace. Can you read some Squarespace copy? Hey, this suicide's brought to you by Squarespace. Do you not have a website? You know what?

It's easy to make a website nowadays with Squarespace. Just go to squarespace.com and don't forget to enter the code Doug Stanhope slash Doug Stanhope and you'll get 10% off of your website and start your free trial today slash bingo.

I was just making the most inappropriate ad ever. I'm in awe. I thought you'd have no segue to that commercial whatsoever. Not at all. Alright, so should we go to break? Oh, fuck. Sorry, Bingo. I know you're having a hard time, but it's Denver, Pittsburgh.

We're going into the third quarter. We're going to take a quick break and check Bingo's meds. We'll be right back after this Chad Shank message. I put it on you you save every podcast i'll have a message i feel awkward on this podcast shut up i haven't cried yet well except when no one was looking oh that's why the door was locked this morning

you know how long you been like this um the whole time at Lindy's when I was sobering up that's why it's scary like the drugs are easy

to chase that stuff out of your head you know when you're on drugs because it's an excuse it's just the drugs but when I sobered up um then it becomes real excuse, it's just the drugs. But when I sobered up, then it becomes real, real.

So it's easy to turn to something else to mask it and say, I'm okay. It's just this drug thing. That's one of the fucked up things with mental illness is that you can't, if you have a drug problem, you can go to the Betty Ford Clinic and say, oh, I'm just going to spend a month in Malibu and get my feet scrubbed and scraped. But yeah, there's no high dollar mental illness place.

It's all fucking Jacob's Ladder. It's just, you don't have alternatives so if you have an alternative out there and you're listening if you have a high dollar mental illness place well bingo yikes all right hey ken, can you go grab me smokes? Yeah, I can move you up, but I need money. Oh, yeah, no. It's on the coffee table underneath the paper towels. You know, the safe.

Well, we have new people here. I didn't trust this fucking Frances girl. I don't know her, so I hid my money in case she'll vouch for you. She doesn't remember you. We're drunks, for Christ's sakes. I'm just kidding. So anything you want to plug? I got nothing left.

All right, let's take a break. Yeah, all that's kind of pointless now. Let's take a break. Yeah, all that's kind of pointless now. The fun stuff on the Joker's Cruise will just kill all that. Sorry to kill the fun. Hey, we're going to close this podcast on awkward silence. Everyone, I need room tone.

And now play the mattoid. All right. We might come back to this. We might not. You good? Hanging in? Did I make this awkward? No, no, you made it perfect.

That's what the podcast is supposed to be, is awkward. Let's get some fun on the game now. Are we in a break or not? It's kind of like the N-word. If you're not not suicidal you're not allowed to trivialize it dave come on look at how much he eats he's suicidal he's just doing it he's just doing it in the most pleasurable way ever i'm gonna kill myself on the best artichoke dip I've ever had. I haven't tried it, but no one did. Oh, really? Is the sushi gone? Is the sushi tainted yet?

It's grocery store sushi. It was probably tainted to start with. I ate a bunch. Oh, uh, Bingo, I don't want to pile on. What happened? No. Your Seahawks that you had in the pool?

Someone stole them. They got crushed. They got crushed. But you know what? You can't take that $400 bucks with you. You know, I had them too, so. It's always like this.

You should go here on Tuesday nights. God damn it, nobody invites me to Tuesday nights. Come on, this life is real. Johnny Depp is supposed to be talking. Bingo, your life is that fabulous. Yeah. Not anymore. Was.

Was. I need to, hey, here's a plug. I need a new Bingo and a new Derek. Derek kind of left me for a chick. Bingo left me for a dude. I need someone who can just walk the goddamn dogs, fuck me once a year, quickly. I'll pay for the travel.

You just got to clean up after yourself and hoard a little bit less everybody missed me but used some extra money so hoarding that once a year I'm getting good this dog has to get through that if I get through that Is there any way I could get some more of that? Yeah, talk to a bartender.

Trace. Thank you, Mama. All right, you know what? Let's call this Cliffhanger Podcast number three. Hey, will Bingo be dead on the next podcast? Don't be dead on the next podcast.

I think this is funny. It is funny. Might mean to us. To me. Thanks, Tracy. We have a really low listenership for a reason. Not a lot of people find this as funny as we do. But it's real.

That's the podcast, but keep recording as we do. Hit the volume. Oh, you can't. Yeah. We're done with that. We'll take a break. We'll take a break or just end it here. Not like that. Not like that.

All right. And thanks for listening to the podcast brought to you this week by squarespace.com. Start your free trial site today at squarespace.com. And when you sign up for Squarespace, make sure you use the offer code Doug Stanhope to get 10% off your first purchase. Squarespace. Build it beautiful. And now play the mattoid.

Part time. Part time. Part time Part time Part time Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's part time Laugh your laughs and eat your eats, it's party time Smile your smiles and do your blues, it's party time Dance your dance and shoe your shoes, it's party time

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