The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #123: Post Super Bowl Depression

Episode Date: February 10, 2016

(L to R) Emma Arnold, Stanhope, Andy Andrist, Chaille and Geoff Tate.The firepit(L to R) Stanhope & Emma ArnoldPre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon  Post Super Bowl Depression.Recorded Feb. 08, 2016 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Geoff Tate (@geofftate96), Emma Arnold (@iamaroadtrip ), Andy Andrist (@andyandrist ), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS -GEOFF TATE - @GEOFFTATE96EMMA ARNOLD - @IAMAROADTRIPANDY ANDRIST - @ANDYANDRISTMISHKA SHUBALY - @mishkashubalyhttp://apple.co/1QqAsmMMarch 25-26, 2016 - Sean Rouse, Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka at THE JOKE FACTORY – DAYTONA BCH, FL - http://daytonajokefactory.com/GEOFF TATE'S “MSHD PODCASTO” - http://apple.co/1V2tCI7WEEZER, ID - http://cityofweiser.net/Pre-Order Doug's book “DIGGING UP MOTHER” through Amazon at - http://amzn.to/1NXiQy5Brian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing Songs, "I Can't Remember When You Were Mine", from COWARD'S PATH by Mishka Shubaly. Available on DougStanhope.com and iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Start building your website today. Not today, because it's the day after Super Bowl and you're hungover as fuck. But pretty soon, build your website with Squarespace at squarespace.com. Enter the offer code Doug Stanhope at checkout and you'll get 10% off. Squarespace. Build it beautiful. It's, yeah,

you know what? Hey, fuck you, Bill Burr. This is the real Monday Morning Podcast. This is the morning after Super Bowl. I'm here with some of the survivors. Jeff Tate. Hello. Emma Arnold, who I call Emma Pope for some reason, but her name is Emma Arnold.

Andy Andrist. And as always, Greg Emma Pope for some reason, but her name is Emma Arnold. And Andy Andrist. And as always, Greg Chaley, who we couldn't do this without, much to his chagrin when I called him at 1130 when we all went to bed at like 8 in the morning. I don't know. And I said, what? And he said, we need to podcast right now. And I said, I'll be right up.

And what time is it now? 2.15. Well, what happened is Jeff and Emma said they don't drink. So they're all sitting there all fucking awake and happy when I walk out into the real world and see the devastation of last night. And they're like, I just want to podcast. You said it as though you guys are leaving town and waiting for me to get out of bed so we can podcast before we leave. Then I find out you're not fucking leaving until tomorrow.

But by then I already woke up chilly, so that's why I sent you off to breakfast. Well, we talked about podcasting on Friday, so I figured the earlier I say it. We talked about a lot of things. Yeah, yeah. I figured the earlier I say it today, the better chance we have. And the fucking everyone came over. We had at least a dozen people that came to help clean up in the morning. And that's a first for that many people.

They bleached the floors inside. I'm like, Jesus, I don't even know two of their names. And they're over here early in the morning helping clean. And that was one of them's Kenny. No. He was with that Derek fellow, too. That other guy. No. Oh, he was with that Derek fellow, too. That other guy. Yeah.

And they found this, a half of Viagra, which I know came from me. I'm just wondering who I gave half to. Probably me, right? I figured it was Andy. Yeah, I had a problem with my pink pants. I said I probably saw someone who had half a chance of getting pussy, so I gave them half a Viagra. I might have taken it.

Maybe you didn't, but they saved it from the cleanup. That would explain a lot of things. If you take half a Viagra, do you just wait two hours before you call the doctor? Can we be done with this podcast? We'll get to you. At some point, it was so fucked that there was a girl. I don't know if that story ever came up, but maybe a year or two ago, a girl that we kind of know peripherally

from the Bisbee scene came over very late at night and was sitting around the fire pit and she was rocking and laughing. And I kept saying, don't do that because she's in a chair with wheels. And I'm like,

you're going to fall into the fire pit. And I can't even pay any attention to anything other than don't let that girl fall into the fire pit. And then she falls into the fire pit so hard on her face on the rim of this steel

it's like an upside down bell almost I mean it's a container drum that was welded so it's kind of sharp edges that are now red hot and she still has a circular scar down her cheek from where she, because she didn't get up right away because she's shit-faced.

She gets up, ha, ha, ha. I'm like, that's not ha, ha, ha. Did she get a new nickname? Well, she never came back. Her nickname was going to be Liability Issue. That is a dent in the fire pit from her cheekbone. It dented a steel fire pit and warped it in. She hit it so hard. And that was the first night she came over last night.

So at the end of the night, and I literally had to put one hand over my eye to focus on her. I was that drunk. And I'm waiting for her to get done her story about falling in the fire pit and whatever else. And I go, I got to go to bed. She goes, you can't go to bed. I have to ask you something.

Like, it's the most serious thing in the world. And I go, hang on. I'm going to have to go ask a friend for a bump just to listen to your story because I'm literally one eye is wandering into the other socket. I had two eyes and one socket. So I did a bump, and I come back, and this girl is wrapped around Andy on a chair, dry humping him like a lap dance. And I'm like, what was the fucking story?

She goes, I don't know. I don't remember. I'm like, Jesus. So then I have another two cocktails to drink away the bump while uh andy's in the rape trailer with her and i'm walking back with monkey to back to the main house and i hear thumps and banging like there's like there's renovations going on in the rape trailer from afar like once andy was staying in there anyway i go right, that's trashed. But then Andy and the fucking fire face walker fucking in there. I don't want to know what.

Alleged. Come on. Trailer for sale. How'd that work out for you, Andy? I don't really have a voice, so I can't really explain myself proper. Do you want to write it down? She took me back to the Hyatt house. I don't want to talk about it.

Sorry, that's a wise Yvonne quote. Now she's got two. Yeah, yeah, poor pitiful. So now she got burnt twice. That other blister's not going to go away, except recurringly. is not going to go away except recurringly. This was the best Super Bowl weekend ever.

We did a show in here on Friday night. In the fun house. In the fun house, yeah. A portable stage. We could put like, jam 40 people in here. And it was the best show that I've ever been part of. i was just a guy saying here's the next guy and it was uh mishka shibali was here hey mishka shibali fucked up really hard i don't know if you know this story but he's got a book out erickson's you're reading it you're fantastic book and you know you guys know mishka shibali best drinking

songs ever and he goes hey i just done Rogan's podcast. And he said, hey, do you think you can help me get on that? He always hates to ask, which is good. It's the people you don't want to promote that want to ask all the time. Hey, can you? No. But Mishka, I go, just send him your book and a cover note. Say that we've toured together and that you do the intros,

outros for my podcast and you're my favorite. And he goes, that's great. I gave him the address to the studio. Well, then he was all like antsy and stupid and not thinking. He goes, hey, if anyone wants to hear me on Joe Rogan's podcast, why don't you just tweet him? He tweets this. So then all his fans are just hammering joe rogan's twitter feed

and i yeah i wake up to a text from rogan going the fuck is mishka shibali his fans are fucking spamming my twitter account and i'm like oh jesus what did you do and i and he said uh i said i i got mishka on the phone. I go, are you a fucking idiot? He goes, oh, I knew that was a mistake right away. I didn't think people would do it that much. I don't know, how do I apologize? I feel like a fucking asshole because he's a sweet kid,

and yes, he should be, and I told Rogan, I'll vouch for him artistically because he's a great guy and he's a great musician and he's a great writer and he fucked up and he goes i'm just reluctant to have him on my podcast now because i don't want people to to think that works oh yeah if you just fuck with rogan you get on there so hopefully rogan will uh uh forgive his uh misstep because he's a great guy but yeah you don't fucking do that to get on a podcast i know a lot of you do that to me to get me on other oh fuck yeah doug stano why don't you do the zip and joe podcast come on fly to you know niac have you ever done that the zip and the zip and Zip and Joe? It's booked next week.

We're doing a Skype. Oh, good. It's fun. Zip. I would leave Zip alone. Jeff Tate and his traveling partner, Emma Arnold, fucking crushed it. Both shows, Friday and Saturday. Yeah.

Yeah, we did. Yeah, Emma actually bumped Andy out of a spot on the Saturday show. Oh, no. What was the over and under on Andy getting on stage unannounced? On Friday? Three. Three? And I think he hit four, but I think the fourth one was coerced by Kenny

because I made the bet with Kenny. And Kenny took the over. Kenny took the over and then asked Andy to come up for the fourth time. It was a push because three happened on his own. Yeah. I didn't pay. No, there's no need to. You know, as I sit here.

I remember two. It was good. At least two were good. Those are the two you remember. We should have had the over-under on how many times Andy remembers going on stage. I would have picked two. That could have been an exotic sight. As I look down, and this is not the first

time this long, long weekend, I look down and I go, Andy's wearing my clothes again. I was going to tell Mamu, don't let him in my fucking pink bedroom because he just goes through my shit. It's already a disaster. These are my shoes.

He'll change clothes four times in a day and they're all my clothes. What are you doing wearing my shit again? Standing, rolling in ashes in a bright yellow sports blazer. Allegedly banging a

fire face. Those are pretty easy shoes to fill, actually. Same size. So what are you guys, how long have you been on the road, Jeff Tate and Emma Arnold? Since the very beginning of September. Our first show was September 1st in Eugene. Holy fuck. Not every day. We go back and forth.

We've done every date, basically. I've done in the last four months. You're doing the same shit we do. You're just four walling rooms in rock and roll clubs. Well, yeah, we talked about it a lot. I talked to Shaylee a lot in July and knew about it in July. And we basically just took a list of the places you went to first. Yeah, yeah.

Did a lot of those places. We used to do that with like Todd Barry and Neil Hamburger. When we started doing rock and roll clubs, I'd just look at their previous dates on the website, and that's why I keep all of my previous dates up there. One, so I can remember where the fuck I've been my whole life. But yeah, anyone who says, hey, do you know a place? I just look at my dates, look at places I played,

and say you're a friend of mine. Yeah, we did exactly your model. Ten bucks a ticket, take the door, some percentage of the door. But you're doing it in chunks, though, which is something that you decided was the way you're going to be able to manage it. Yeah, yeah. I don't do well mentally on the road for very long periods of time. I can handle six or seven days. Jeff Tate has a bit of the

Chad Shank in him where he gets a little twisted, a little crazy. Chad Shank, that's another story. We went on the road for three weeks or 25 days or whatever and the last 10 of it, I was coming

apart at the seams. I remember. Fighting a guy over Bob Seger songs at a jukebox. Where's my buffalo hat? I remember that. When I would clean out the van where Jeff sat every day after a lengthy run, there was like a little cubby hole where you would stash things in the back seat of the van there was uh rocks darts like the plastic tips and a fucking ear of corn it was like uh like one of those it wasn't like

a fresh one that went no no it was a feed corn yeah you're not you're not crazy it was feed corn you know but i wanted souvenirs and i didn't i didn't make a lot of money and so i would just take things from bars that weren't nailed down that was a road trip and then shaylee would throw them away and that was how i kept that was how i kept all my souvenirs that was uh it's probably your joke too uh uh but it's on the uh new we filmed a special here the pop-off vodka presents an evening an evening with doug stanhope we filmed it in here it's overly lit it looks like shit but i did a lot of old bits that i never got recorded anywhere else i have a real special two people it's called uh no place like home i don't know when it's coming up but we filmed two

back to back here in november but the one we did in the fun house just as a goof to as a test run uh has that bit about uh white trash russians oh mixing trash Russians mixing plastic jug vodka with Yoo-Hoo. Yoo-Hoo, yeah. That was me and you in the back of the van. That was the second day of the tour. Yeah. Leaving Peoria hungover as shit. Yeah, leaving Peoria because Brett had to work.

I just yelled at Ashley from Subway really loud. I wanted to carry that drunk on and we're in the back of the van. We're trying to make white Russians, but it's hard to do out of a circle, Kay. I'll give you the credit for saying white trash Russians, but whichever one of us said it, I took it.

That's fine. The only difference between us is you would pour out half a yoo-hoo and then fill it with vodka, and I would drink the first half of the yoo-hoo and then fill it with vodka. And then we did that every day. And now you've been doing it with the lady. Yeah.

How's that going? Do you fight? Yeah. Really? Yeah. We've had some pretty big blowouts. About what? I'm only asking so I can rehash it, and after the podcast, I can hear you in the little house going, this is bullshit. This is a fucking hammock? No, you said on the fucking podcast, and now I look like a fucking dick.

No, I'll tell you what. I'll do it. I'll be completely honest with all of you. I quit drinking four months ago, and I don't have a proper support group for it yet. So a lot of our fights stem from me using her as my sobriety crutch, and I need a wider support group for it. And it's not fair to her because she has her own. She doesn't drink. Anyway?

Yeah. No, not for lack of enjoyment. She just is a couple years ahead of me. Oh, so you quit as well. So she has her own sobriety. And then when I start to spiral, that just adds stress and anxiety to her. I was going to say it's because you don't eat breakfast. I was going to be like, it's because Jeff doesn't know how to be an adult and eat breakfast.

And then by five in the afternoon, he's like, fuck you, fuck this, fuck everything. And I'm like, maybe you're hungry. Yeah, I do that, yeah. Have a Snickers. So if you would have kept drinking, then I would have been on the show Saturday. Yeah. It's funny how shit works out for me. If I had kept drinking, I would have demanded that first slot see i just to get out of the way so i could really lean into it we always talk about people that you when they go on the wagon you're

you're supportive you shouldn't drink sean rouse you're sober great people who have that chemical switch where after a certain amount of cocktails they're a different human being but you were never like that i never but i knew y'all you had your own shit in your head yeah yeah it was when it was when i was around you guys i was fine it was when everybody went to bed i wouldn't go to sleep yeah there's some darkness yeah and i had a lot of that uh once everybody leaves and goes to bed then that's's when it would get real bad. And I'd get real bad ideas. And these bad ideas started to seem real good at 4 in the morning. And so I just had to quit.

I just had to. The fun that we would have before you guys would go to bed was not worth what would happen after. Oh, no. And that's the finger-smashing incident. I'm putting that in my head well the finger smashing incident was uh just that was a bar fight it was an accident it was an unfortunate series of circumstances no way i was fucking going to get a drink at two in the morning with some locals no i don't say you want a burger and all that i understand serve late drinks but i

don't uh even brett will attest to this. It's not like I smashed his hand in the door. No, no. Just like, yeah, we shouldn't have been at that bar. Yeah, but from that moment on, everything that happened after that was not – I've been sucker punched a few times. But that's not the darkness carnival in your head shit you're talking about after everyone goes to bed. I was having what I thought was a fun just a dumb shit conversation with a guy who was mad at me for playing so many Bob Seger songs.

Loading up an entire fucking playlist of Seger songs. At a bar that was closing in 10 minutes. It didn't matter how many I played. He was going to hear two. He does have a big catalog. Yeah, basically it's a story about how I wasted four bucks to play two Seger songs before we all had to leave.

And then his friend, who this guy wasn't even mad at me, his friend came up over the table and just blindsided me across the face and took my hat and ran out of the bar. And I didn't understand what had happened. I had never said a word to that guy. I didn't know who he was. He didn't know what our conversation was about. He thought. Had nothing to do with Bob Seeger. They just stopped selling food. Yeah, our conversation was about. He thought. It had nothing to do with Bob Seger. They just stopped selling food.

Yeah. Maybe he was hungry. That was your drive-by trucker's hat. No, it was a Heartless Bastards hat. Oh, Heartless. That was your favorite hat. Buffalo on it. Yeah, it had a buffalo hat on it.

Yeah. I love that hat. I keep looking for it. Yeah. I eat at a lot of thrift stores. There was a week where everybody was fucking calling that venue because we tweeted out their number. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Some fucking doughboy townie, like a big fat fucking leprechaun motherfucker. That's how much he didn't like Seeger. And it's not like I played album tracks. What was the song? What was the song? There's no way Against the Wind wasn't one of the first two I played. What's your Bob Seger breaking point? Hollywood Nights.

Maybe he got dumped by a stripper and heard that song. Not my fault. Maybe he got dumped by a stripper in 82. Since things went down with the bingo, I've been trying to make bad decisions at 4 o'clock in the morning. Bathing hippies isn't a bad idea at any time.

Chad Shank and I, as you're banging that woman all over the fucking trailer and destroying it, now I have to burn all the bedding. We were applauding ourselves. Enough marriages with your podcast? We can't talk about it on the air, but one of our favorite guests going through a divorce

that began with her hearing him on this podcast saying something. And you know what? Because we drink, we have the buyer's remorse clause, and that's why Chaley waits a day and edits it in case someone says something. Oh, fuck, I was drunk. I can't say that. I'll lose my job. It's nothing we would have ever edited out.

No. It's just that it was a wife that wanted it out and found my podcast as an excuse to go, ah, you never loved me, and it's over. She sounds like a real cunt. I believe it started with, after that one that she listened to, I really doubt she's subscribed. I think it started with, what's a podcast and how do I hear one? Yeah. out she's subscribed i think it started with what's a podcast and how do i hear one yeah well so it's probably the first time you ever hear in that you were mentioned on it yeah you'll keep tuning in just to see if they're still talking about you and we're not i mean it came up i so

but again if that's the first words you heard it probably to take one of your phrases i bet it queered her off podcasts altogether this is is what they're about? Me? I don't want to listen to podcasts. Yeah, that's why I don't listen to them. My ex-sister-in-law is listening to this right now because I mentioned her once a year ago.

That's how she texted me after the bingo thing and she heard it on the podcast. And Abby, I didn't call you back, but thank you. I'm doing fine. Thank you. Everyone whose texts I didn't respond to,

if you ever need someone to talk to, yeah, I do need someone to talk to. And it's you, the listening audience, and I'm doing it here on a podcast. And then the conversation's over. But thank you. I'm going to pour a drink. Should we take a break? Because what I didn't write down is I want to go, I want to jot down some of the creeper memories. You remember the shit.

You're not drinking, Emma. Emma remembers more than I do. I remember everything. If we had time and this was a produced podcast, I'd make this a segment where the sober people, Emma and Jeff Tate, question us like a quiz show about shit we did or said to people or insults we made that we didn't know we hurt someone's feelings. We'll be right back after this break brought to you by Squarespace. Build it beautiful. Great news, kids.

The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour T-shirts, podcast T-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents T-shirts. Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications. So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace.

Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. I get Twitter notifications, a beep-beep, when it's someone that I follow that mentioned me in a text, and twice during this weekend, someone right in front of me on my phone goes, boop, boop. Christine Levine liked your tweet. I'm sorry.

Did I say text? I meant tweet. She liked your tweet. I said, you can like me to my face. I'm right here. Hey, you know what? Squarespace, Jeff Tate, and that's G-E-o-f-f geoff tate as uh mr erickson likes to refer to him do you uh do you get do you use the squarespace for your websites do you have

a website i do have a website it's just another clown.com and yours is emma uh emma arnold comedy dot com and uh unfortunately we do not use. Well, you should because it's easy as shit and they sponsor us. So you should do that. It took me 13 years to get one website. Yeah, Andy, what's up with your website? I don't know. I haven't been there in a while. I think it's there.

Do you have a ghost town website? Well, because I don't do the Squarespace. He doesn't have any upcoming dates because he checked his site. Yeah, I guess I got no work. You know, the bookers don't put it on there for you. You get a call. You're responsible to put the dates on your site. Tell me about what a booker is again

hey wait joe b's uh doug stanhope celebrity death pool we use squarespace don't we i know we use it for doug stanhope.com we have way too many there's way too much shit on the internet but go to squarespace.com you get a free domain if you sign up for a year and it's intuitive and easy to use tools. What does intuitive mean? BrettEricksonComedy.com is on Squarespace, just so you guys know. He's a go-getter. I love these fucking idiots.

My website has dates on it, Brett. Where do you... I have dates on my website. They're just from the past. They're holidays. Is Jay thinks his Google calendar is his website? It's JT Habersat's birthday.

Sleep in. So, yeah, go... Where do you go next? What do you got coming up you and the lady and the gal you fucking crushed him you smoked him yeah yeah no she's great

yeah my spot's a good one it was comfy I enjoyed it thank you Andy yeah yeah she did her time did the beginning and end of all of her jokes it's a weird spot to switch out with Andy. Yeah, I didn't know it was that kind of show. We're in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, March 16th through 19th.

Oh, yeah? What's the club? No, I think it's called Carolina Comedy Club. All right. But we're doing a – there's some stuff we're adding around that. Like we're going to hit Charlotte. Now, are you still Cincinnati? Yeah.

All right. Did you know she was funny before you – Yeah, we met at a comedy festival in Bloomington last year. And yeah, I knew she was funny. And then also she can travel the way I can travel. Which is very difficult. Yeah. It's part of the reason I haven't toured a whole lot is because I can't find somebody who wants to do a week on, a week off.

Because I have kids, so I don't want to be gone more than a week at a time. So it worked out perfect. How old are these kids? They're 7, 10, 10, 12, 12, and 15. All right. So Brady Bunch situation. Brady Bunch, yeah. I have three.

He has three. Yeah. So mine are 7, 10, and 12. And I assume the father died of AIDS like the Brady Bunch this is the story is that what happened to her first husband? in the Brady Bunch that was a progressive show

patient zero she was married to that fucking flight attendant guy the guy who fucked a monkey and then flew around the country fucking everybody and hey it's weird do you think if you fuck monkeys you're probably not getting pussy regular but this guy was the monkey the chick was chatty so i went with the monkey that night talk about a guy who would fuck anything but He was fucking dudes, girls, monkeys, anything that was vaguely human.

He probably rode. While the ladies were stories of just travels. Oh, wow, that's so interesting. I'd love to see a monkey. Oh, seen him. It'd be terrible to get AIDS, but wouldn't it be kind of neat to be one who got one from the first guy? Like a souvenir? No, like the Sugar Hill gang?

It's terrible to have AIDS, but I got it from Gordon. You know where monkeys got AIDS? Charlie Sheen. I always thought about selling celebrity herpes. Oh, you've done your part. But where's my money? My manager ripped me off. It's hard to sell something.

What's Doug Stanhope's herpes really like? Well, it's like how the New York Times is trying to charge now. You've given away for free for so long that now that there's a paywall, it's going to be difficult for people to want to join. There's no perceived value. Yeah, it's like Pete Rose's autograph now. Everybody's got it. Comp herpes.

All right. What did you owe you? I thought you were writing down one of the. No, here. Let me finish us. I can only do like six or seven days, but I also got tired of working the clubs, and I got tired of fucking having an oboe for people that I don't get along with or just showing up in a town and having them throw some people on that they just all kind of suck.

Yeah. So I wanted to have more control over it, but I can't mentally do like 25 days at a time, and it's really hard to find somebody who will do day to day to day. Well, that just knocked you off my next tour. No, I can do it now. Like, I actually think I could do it now. Like, because I've been out now for about a month. Oh, you've been in training.

Yeah. But I quit drinking, and that has made a lot of a difference. Like, I don't fall apart. We put money on weather, Jeff Tate. We put the over-under. You got here on friday i believe yeah and we put we heard you quit drinking so we put the over under proposition bet because we can't wait for super bowl to see who has the first first down to win five dollars uh

and it was a kickoff of super bowl was you're over under before you started drinking again. But once I met Emma, I lost because I took the under. That was tight. She's a strong fucking comic for three kids. She's real tight. She has a stabilizing effect. She's like, yes, that was apparent immediately when you were here. I'm like

all right this guy's not going off the wagon boring but yeah tate is one of those guys that you drinking or not drinking he's the same dude you don't feel you don't like walk around sweating and go i think i'm gonna go uh make some tuna casserole i don't know how to hang around because i i can't socialize at all without drinking i'm dead air just hey how's it going let me get a four drinks and then we'll chat well you're doing good i tend to switch where when i'm sober and everyone's drunk i get real apologetic like oh fuck did i just make everybody mad? Like, I turn the opposite.

When I'm drunk, I don't... Sober apologies? I'm the most interesting person you all have ever met when I'm drunk. You fucking... Say you're welcome. Oh, fuck. So, yeah. More fights. Between us? Yeah.

A specific one. Like that morning I was yelling at Ashley at Subway. That kind of... Oh, no, she's never not sold me a breakfast sandwich. She's very reasonable about her breakfast sandwich. She's pro breakfast. She knows the egg is right down there. How many times have you...

That's it, we're not going on the road together anymore. Twice. I've twice been like no i'm not doing this i'm not like if you um he's he's yelled at me pretty good a couple times and i was like if you if you just speak to me like that again we're done like i'm not i was in a shitty shouty marriage for a long time i don't really put up with that kind of treatment anymore so i was just like don't if you have shit if you're mad at me we can we can do that but you don't scream at me yeah and i still have reactions like my dad like the

way i learned because my dad is still real shouty like he's the only emotion he has is anger or nothing and so i never learned how to uh express any other emotion besides anger so that like that would happen but then it was like the minute it calms down i realize i'm not angry like i just that's just how it comes out yeah that's your default well i i've learned that from comedy is that most of my comedy is yelling at someone so some what's the word some invisible person that exists but is not in the room and i'm yelling at them at the audience there's someone in my head but i do it with a smile on my face and a fist fuck joke at the end to take the edge off of it and that you you go and i over this weekend i yelled at a lot of people where i meant it but

i made it funny so it was socially acceptable and that's how you what we do in comedy is you learn how to be a dick and be applauded for it yeah yeah but i'm trying to not do that uh to my friends yeah like i can't like and it's it's been very beneficial for me like i'm getting better with my i see my therapist every week and when i'm on the road we do phoners oh that's hilarious what sorry you had a therapist yeah i get it you know most of that new hour is from that do you yeah i leave like i i make notes before i go in he's got his clipboard you have yours you don't mind if i record this do you you get on a couch too they're both lying down at the toe that's why i did the one and done with therapy and i went in and the guy was laughing and enjoying it and i'm like

fuck it why am i paying him uh yeah my dad used to beat me with a newspaper when i was a kid yeah but you need some more tags yeah oh you know it's funnier than that shoes yeah yeah does he know you're a comic yeah because they're human beings so you know that part of them their ego is going to be attached to it am i going to make it into the show like should i try to say something funny back there's still human beings and fraudulent what i find uh hilarious about her is it took about six months before she started talking like me in the sessions where she's like yeah that's fucked up like oh good yeah because it took me about three months before i was like this ain't a clean show like this is therapy i could i'm

paying her so i could say whatever I want. And this part was fucked up. And now she's starting to... She talks to me like that. Because I understand that. It's just nice to have somebody to... And she's probably... You're probably her favorite.

She probably looks forward to you because the other sad sack hoarders that come in with... I had to bring my cats because miss bitsy's because she's gonna get a irritable bowel and i now we talked about miss bitsy and when is tate coming back on the the uh the problem that i've always known about comedy and comics is because of our job our self-awareness level is higher but we still don't have the tools andawareness level is higher but we still don't have the tools and we're better people right but we still don't have the tools to deal with any of the things we know about ourselves ourselves so like when i go in like i can make progress

in a year and a half because now i'm getting the tools to deal with the self the things i've been self-aware of uh so i do think it like i can come in i always have something yeah you got new shit i got new shit every week it's just kind of ingrained into you i'm going back on tuesday i need new shit he actually he probably yells at you just to start a fight so he has some new stuff to impress oh that worked he has his own little notebook and he knows you're not going to leave the road. You still have that allure of $125 and a Motel 6. Yeah. How can I walk away from this?

Well, it's better than some of the shit she had to do before. Yeah, definitely. She was doing triple runs. Oh, sorry. I thought you were just segueing into a prostitution story I was unaware of. What? Slavery? No, she was working.

You saved me from the triple runs. Yeah, garbage triple runs without people she knew. Yeah, that's where it gets really sketchy. A triple run is hilarious if you have the right attitude where you're just playing it. In the book, I refer to it as if you saw the opening of, was it Wild Heart? What was the movie where he... Crazy Heart? Crazy Heart, where he's sitting in some fucking roadside motel across from a liquor store,

sitting there drinking whiskey alone to play some gin joint to 25 people who love him. Yeah, that's the most accurate movie about stand-up. Yeah, exactly. I've never seen a better depiction of stand-up. Why can't they sell a good road comedy movie script? Because it's never, that I can remember, comedy's never been. Kevin Hart would be great in it. He's not attached to it yet.

That's still. Where are the black people hang around in this town and they point into that tree sorry that's like the hackiest black comic on a triple gig joke ever but you're pro triple right i had so much fun but that was back in the day i didn't have three kids i was already living like a road comic out of my car without the comedy part. I was sleeping on friends' couches. I was hand to mouth and fucking off and having fun. And just the idea that I could get free celery sticks at happy hour and then someone's going to buy me a beer and a girl with a mullet might blow me.

Hey, we're done talking about the trailer. Let's let that one die. I'm afraid she's already dead in there. Why do you think the blankets are all watered up? Do you think I cleaned up? That's why you're wearing my clothes. So that fucking DNA test comes back, and I'm doing life. Kenny met me outside and took those clothes away and

burned them. This is making a murderer live podcast. Those slippers in the fire pit were very suspicious. I just thought they were ruined. There's a chance she just fell in face first and the slippers are the only thing that slept. She melted

down like a candle. She did it like a Greg Louganis and left the AIDS in Andy. Not much of a slap. Actually, I had my half-witted nephew in there with me, and he did all the dirty work. That's making a murderer reference to you people out there. The dunce? Wait, the other guy was the brains of the operation?

Well, there's three of them, actually. I know Chad Shank and I were high-fiving this morning over bad choices we didn't make. You bathed a hippie last night. Why don't we talk about that? I'm going to get her on the podcast. That's why I'm saving that. But I had a chance to, not just a chance, a request to bone a 20-year-old cute hippie girl in her ass.

Her suggestion. And after we put her in a bubble bath just to get the pictures, I'm like, we're going to have to scrub you up. First off, she's bad at negotiating. First'm like, we're going to have to scrub you up. First off, she's bad at negotiating. First of all, we have to scrub you up. I wasn't alone in this. Is that where the Swiffer went?

I didn't do it. The point is, I'll get her on the podcast and she's still talking to you? After I didn't fuck her in the ass? Yeah. Yeah, she still wants me to fuck her in the ass, I'm sure. She's here three nights in a row.

Well, she lives in a cave. She needs some entertainment. I really want to say that story is, that's a full goddamn podcast. And she said she's absolutely, well, if she's going to let me fuck her in the ass while her husband sits by the fire, yeah, she's game for anything. She'll do the podcast. Husband, that's her grandpa.

That was what you said? That she's partying with us, but she's Elizabeth Smart in another state? Yeah. I just said that this morning, but not nearly as funny as Andy, of course. We should find out. You should do a separate podcast with her and that old dude.

Oh, I won't let him be here. Because I want to know. There was a time in Alaska, we've talked about this, that Becker and I were doing morning radio, and one of the guests were going to be these Russian strippers from the Bush Company or one of the strip clubs in Anchorage. And so they came in with their two interpreters who looked like ex-KGB guys. And so we're asking questions to the girls because they're Russian strippers, limited time only in Anchorage. I don't know how that's a selling point, but there wasn't much to sell up there.

There's girls in Anchorage, limited time only. So the first question that Becker and I had through the interpreters were, are you here on your own free will? And the guys laugh, and they talk to them in Russian, and God knows what they said we said but two weeks later there was front page headlines they had they were basically kidnapped brought over to the country under the guise of they were going to do russian traditional dancing and they're like no you're stripping and and they were they were come on that's russian that's

traditional so yeah yeah when we get that hippie girl over here we're gonna make sure i do you really want to be married to a 50 year old guy with one tooth but he's a sweet guy he had at least doesn't seem like he had four teeth he had two on each side of that gap i didn't do a lot of periodontal work i just i just tried to shuffle him to the side in case i wanted to make the bad decision of fucking his daughter-aged wife. Just thinking of that dreadlocked beaver makes me sneeze. We can say whatever we want. They cannot charge their iPods in that cave.

Yeah. There's no reception. Yeah, they do live in a cave. But they have cell phones. There's technology involved with this cave dwelling somehow. I'm sure they'll listen to this. But we won't put it out until we get her on the podcast. They're like the Flintstones.

They got all the modern shit up in the cave. It's a living. You can trim that beaver. They got all the modern shit up in the cave. It's a living. You can trim that beaver. You got a plug in. You mean I don't have to burn my hair short? He told me I had to burn it short. That guy's... That guy.

No, they both were really, really sweet yeah i have a question for you if somebody burst in with a ski mask and a gun and started shooting from this party who would you just figure it was i got a dutch he was stalking outside oh yeah that kid the kid that won the uh see again a creeper memory i knew if we talked long enough, we'd have some shit. I thought for sure he was going to be a whole episode. Like an episode, like a mental breakdown episode, not a podcast episode. Do you know who he is now? Did he ever text you again? Yeah, he's texting me all these sweet things this morning.

This guy is still alive. It is Groundhog Day with that guy. Let me explain to the people, when we did that helmet auction, whoever spent the most money, highest bidder for a single helmet, got to come to the Super Bowl party. And he got here a few days early, and he looked. If you watch Intervention and you see someone coming down, waiting for the junkie, they're just late,

and they're scratching and scratching his head. I actually checked his arms for track marks. He was just a huge anti-social disorder kind of guy tweak from south park yeah but he's not he's not but he's not on anything he's he really is should be on something prescribed probably probably but he's he's a he's actually a really nice guy yeah but he does have a problem in social situations, and he cannot fucking control the volume of his voice in quiet situations like a comedy show. The problem around here is- Which I automatically thought, this is a problem.

Oh, was he a doctor? He was yelling from the back. He goes, I can't be in the room, but I want to watch the show. And I'm like, oh, my God. Maybe we can just- During the Super Bowl, while it was still daylight, first half, someone saw him walking up, before the Super Bowl even started, walking up the street and laying in a ditch. But he's not fucked up. He's just weird.

I think we need an on-campus pharmacist. Some people are taking too many drugs. Some people are off their meds. Somebody to oversee that would make it more fun for the rest of us doing blow. We need like a chill-out tent. Yeah, yeah. Where you can go and check in. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Get a couple smokes and some Sprite. Get a gentleman on a TV. Don't end up like me. They won't let me back. Give me some urine. I'll drink it. But he's like an enigma because he really he's a real good musician and that's what he that's what he does because he doesn't have a job and he's not a he's

not a derelict play he played on stage he doesn't need to work great yeah but it's like the only time he's really comfortable is on stage and then we just couldn't keep him on stage the whole time is that around these all these fucking weirdos? You're in a room with people who are the most comfortable on stage. This guy couldn't get over the fact that he was here. He couldn't just be here. He couldn't. Being here was such a

thing that it was... Okay, that's night one. And I think he drank a little too much. Admittedly, he said that. He was overcompensating. Yeah, I was going to talk to him about it. Oh, you were going to be his sponsor? Amen.

He was just like, can I get a drink? And he hammered a triple Jameson. Can I just get a vodka or whatever? I realized that triple Jameson is gone. That was one gulp. So I just deadwooded him. I put a bottle in the glass next to him. And a can of peaches.

Wow, that's the opposite I thought you would do. So this is when he starts doing the... Hang on. I'm finding it in my text messages. Blah, blah blah blah uh oh fuck there was like five text messages in a row hey please let me know when or if i start pissing you off to an unbearable degree ding it's not you i just have a feeling i piss almost everyone off in sight. Ding. I'm complicit in Western capitalism amongst other things.

Ding. That one was from me. Ding. I don't want to get kicked out or assassinated, but I wouldn't be surprised if it happened. Because I don't have to clock in. Oddly, those sound like Johnny Depp's text. And Levine did some due diligence on the dude, and his dad used to be the head of the CIA. Oh, that explains a lot of why he's fucking. Well, this guy thinks that's a cover story. Maybe his dad wasn't in the CIA.

She looked him up online. I don't think he offered that up. She just got his name and then he mentioned something about his dad does something else now. And then she went through the dad's Wikipedia page and at one point he was the head

of the CIA. Yeah, I guess I'd scratch my head a lot, too, and writhe. Who knew what he took home to check on him? Dad was the guy who discovered waterboarding in his basement at home with the kid. Just out of frustration. Quit being weird around company. I just want to play a song dad you'll tell me if i'm pissing everybody off right yeah when you're in a stack of naked kids yeah go tie yourself to the church you're pissing me on he's got that same security camera fucking chaley put in this place and his dad just texts him quit being weird around

people are you watching me yeah that would level some paranoia on you i have a good creeper um from friday night i don't know do you i don't know if you even remember but you came and knocked on our door at like maybe four or five in the morning and came in to get cigarettes and then said if you want to have a threesome this amazon ladies it's super down for it monkey i had to make a joke i they locked the door and i knew he was the only guy with cigarettes there were like 20 people here at 3 30 in the morning nobody brought cigarettes so i he gave me half a pack before and that was gone in an hour from everyone bumming smokes. So I had to bang on his door to get the rest of the smokes he was holding. And I had Lulu Monkey with me, so I just offered her up in trade.

What a fucking good host. It's polite to bring something. She's like, I'd split you both in half. I woke up the next morning and thought it was a dream. Like I told her in the morning, I was like, I had the fucking craziest dream that some fucking six foot tall roller derby chick

wanted to fuck both of us. And Stan Hope needed smokes. It's just like, that wasn't a dream. And then last night, not last night, but two nights ago, apparently like that door locks,

but you have to really push it shut because you were able to come through with it locked. And then two nights ago, apparently, that door locks, but you have to really push it shut, because you were able to come through with it locked. And then two nights ago... That's by design. Two nights ago, Henry Phillips opened the door and jumped on the bed, and that was more shocking.

Now there's an animal. Henry Phillips... Wait a minute, you're not down? Henry Phillips is just like the kidnapped hippie girl in that anyone who stays here in the guest house or down at the Chaley's, Henry's just trying to get away.

She wants her own house. She wants a new family. She's like, please take me away from here. I want a re-rescue. I'm not happy with the conditions here. A re-rescue. Yeah, it was a lateral move from the shelter to the compound.

Yeah, from shivering underneath my minivan back when I had one. Sarah McFaulkner is going to make commercials of your dogs. These two dogs have to live here. This is like foster care. Just waiting to get out of the system. She has one dirty corner

on the far yard we don't even use that she just stays in. She won't come in the house unless new people are here. I don't know if it's me or the other dog she hates. It's Henry and Bingo. I had a... You're describing some...

I think you're projecting things on the dog that you're feeling about something else and that hippie woman that you clean that was for some other purpose but i don't do drugs i don't know what i do but i i had a bingo moment where i was out talking to henry phillips like she was a person all alone. I got all this patio furniture. There's a nice fucking patio set with cushions that no one ever sits on because no one's you guys sat on it yesterday because it's in front of your house. You don't even sit there. It's not even stained from the dogs.

It's been there a year and you won't sit on the fucking couch. You sit in a dirty corner. What the fuck is wrong with you? Everything you love. Everything you love has to go find a dirty corner? What the fuck is wrong with you? Everything you love has to go find a dirty corner. That's where I'm going after I get out of here, dirty corner. Because I have no material after putting out that special, so I just hosted the Saturday show. So I don't want to burn any of the three minutes I've built up for my next hour.

But that was one where between acts, I just met the hippie the night before. And she was out front in her car going, I'm only 20. Can you get me in? Because they say I need to have ID. And I go, no, they get a liquor license. I'm not going to fuck that up. Yeah, the one place in town you could do that? Yeah, the best venue in town.

So, no. And then in between acts when I'm hosting, I went. And it's tough to do. Good, I got breakup material that I can use now, but it's in town and bingo is three rows deep. So I had to do it to bingo. Can't you make it so people can, you know, if you're with an adult that kidnapped you,

you can still come into the show if you're under 18? Because that comes up more than you'd think. Hey, can I call you or do I just put out an Amber alert? I was calling her Amber all weekend. Is that not her name? That's her new nickname.

You get to park in the Amber Alert lot. For the record, she's very talented. Yeah. She's funny. The second night she did material. Cranking out songs on a ukulele and then a shitload of really funny one-liners. And taking in the ass from a fucking mountain man. Yeah, she's talented.

But they do live in a cave on the outskirts of town, which is not weird here. It's hard to get a cave in town that's not occupied. Other people that Doug loved are on the internet. They go quick when they're on the market. Yeah, they check Zillow often. Downtown caves are all like there's a waiting list. Hipsters. Oh, Kenny, you're in this one?

Hipsters gentrifying our caves. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can get a culvert around here for cheap, but who wants a culvert these days? These stalagmites are from Ikea. I was going to move into a lean-to, but I lack ambition. It's not a good neighborhood. Raccoons. Yeah, these culverts.

So she's a 20-year-old grandmother because she's married. The Marilyn Manson guy she's married to is, I don't know. He said he's 43. Hold on. You mean Charlie Manson guy she's married to is, I don't know. He said he's 43. Hold on. You mean Charlie Manson. Charlie Manson. Sorry, Marilyn. Like you listen to the podcast.

Do they get podcasts on his planet? I don't know if they do in the cave, but. They get ham radio. They have a ham radio set up. That might be what that beeping is. Morris Code? Yeah. They have a ham radio set up. That might be what that beeping is. Morris Code? Yeah.

That's how they listen to the podcast? Japanese soldiers who think the war is going on 10 years later. She was doing a weird tapping thing with her hand every time she talked. I mean, everybody here is pigeon, right? Messenger pigeons? That's how Doug gets a hold of the ladies. Yeah, that was the one joke I was proud of. I just realized this 20-year-old hippie girl is sitting

out front waiting for me, and I can fuck her and one-up Bingo. Bingo, she just moved to a shack with an outhouse. I could be with a hippie in a cave. You want to get dumped for less? I'll one-up you.

I'll play your game. And she's only 20. So if I want to fuck some 23-year-old stripper on the side, she can't get into the bar to catch me. Yeah. You got several more months of that. No, but they're just outside of your every show with a sign that says need a miracle and it doesn't mean a ticket it

means a bath running water is a miracle what are the eyes she has a paperwork to get her id in line i i will i she's she's sweet and she's cute uh We'll have her on the podcast and I'll have her even play a little song on her ukulele. Only if I can tune that fucking thing for the first time in its life. But when this podcast. Does she know that there's a fucking tuning on it? I didn't know that instrument is ever supposed to sound good. It can sound better. Yeah.

Good or well. Here's the thing. When this podcast goes out and you're listening to it, then remind me to tweet the picture of her in a bubble bath. Oh, my God. I laughed and I laughed. I saw that and then I spilled coffee. I burnt my dick with it.

I showed him the picture of her in the bubble bath and he's laughing so hard. And he's whipping coffee all over my fucking white pants. I spilled hot coffee on my friction-burned dick. That's for real. Don't do drugs. Man, for a guy, you say that a lot.

It's still... I'm surprised you know that sentence. Physician, heal thyself. It was pretty catchy. Oh, if I had a bag of meds, I'd kill myself. Good. You didn't dose me with that dick pill, didn't you? Wait, I honestly don't know.

I know I had it in the hip pocket in case shit got weird. And I remember talking to you about it. I came over because I was trying to let Andy know just leave this alone. Let's go. And I look down and he's sitting down with his legs up and I'm looking down. He's a fucking boner pushing through.

I was trying to poke him in his boner. I came over here and I go, hey, he's got a boner. Let's go check this out. And we started poking him and then we came up with boner finger. It's like the opposite of a James Bond movie. It's like the opposite of erectile dysfunction. I'm like, I'm sorry. This doesn't usually happen to me.

I don't know what to do. I know how to get my truck out of the mud. I don't know how to do anything when I get the truck there. Call back. Truck out of the mud. Call back. Listen. I don't know how to do anything when I get the truck there. Call back. Knock out of the mud. Call back. Listen, you're used to not having to follow through with the. Oh, yeah.

Looks like you're attracted to women like me with that boner. Not usually. It's been a long night. Not enough scars on your face. Yeah. You have just the one. Yeah, I'm done. Doesn't do it for me.

I thought I was done with those. It's like getting a new dog. It's like, yeah, you think it seems like it's going to be fun to have an erection, and then it won't go away and it wants to play. You're going to take it out and show it to people? What? I'm staying there. Never mind.

I'm not even going to say that. Did you fuck a dog? no no fuck no wait what'd you hear? have you? no no I like dogs

I'm more of a cat person to be honest dogs are too much responsibility cat and just hang out Emma did you at any point feel like I miss being the one that was sexually harassed it was all over the party and it's never me anymore no no no i never did in fact i i don't want to like hurt you guys as a rep or anything but this is probably the

most respectful group of people i've ever been around cut her mic cut her mic get her out of here fuck i'm sorry i usually scream these guests that's easy for you to say you weren't in the trailer with me with a face full of great there's a different story from scarface definitely yeah but scarface wasn't coerced into the trailer no no no no yeah she was definitely the aggressor there yeah yeah that truck in the mud thing makes it seem like it wasn't even Andy's idea. I'd like to think I built her confidence back up, but come on. You know what's funny is she's probably telling her friends the same thing about you. I don't think that's what you do to women.

Andy, she still had eyes. She's somewhere right now telling her friends she did that for you. I was trying to tweet Cosby hey what's that recipe this chick won't stop talking to me i don't know nothing about neosporin on burn wounds shut the fuck up and shut the fuck up. Well, I do know a little, but I didn't want to share it all.

That just opens a whole new line of conversation. Once you open that tube, it's hard to get the lid back on. I'm going to do a walk-off here pretty soon. So I can get some Neal's porn on my dick yeah it's weird waking up where you're waiting for someone to call and apologize to you i'm glad you don't get my cell phone coverage here it makes it easier yeah that's one of the reasons why i want to move my parents down here. Poor cell phone reception. Can you hear me now?

No. Great. Email me. Live there. Get T-Mobile and move to Bisbee. Every student loan officer, collection agent, ex-wife. Tell your dad where they get the best cell phone reception, your dad. Up on the other side of that hill, you'll get a clear signal. It's called Mexico.

All right. Because I'm cheating your way, I'm not leaving you out of this intentionally. I just don't have a lot of room back here. But give me some creeper stories and name names of triple gig headliners that you had to bar the door and then put the chair under the handle. Come on. I don't know.

There was a casino gig that I did, and the sound guy throughout the whole show kept trying to give me back rubs. I can really help you with your sound. I kept being like, no, no, no, thanks. That's my brother's move. Sorry, Abby. your sound. I could be like, no, no, thanks. That's my brother's move. Don't touch me. Sorry, Abby. And then afterwards, I was supposed to be headlining,

but when the feature showed up, he was like, hey, I talked to Tribble, and I'm supposed to headline because I have merch, and you're featuring. And I was like, no, I don't think that's right. And he's like, no, no, no, it's been worked out. Don't worry about it, which I was kind of new

and polite. Well, you're a woman. Yeah, and I was like, no, no, no, it's been worked out. Don't worry about it. Which I was kind of new and polite. Well, you're a woman. Yeah. And I was like, oh, okay, okay. So I let him headline, and his first joke was, you guys heard the one about the bear? And he just did solid garbage. Being eaten by the bear? That's mine. I think that's mine.

Is it the John Fox, the bear and the rabbit shitting in the woods? And then afterward, he got my room number. After he sold out every bit of merch he had. Yeah. Because that was rock huge and huge. The merch, he did a whole spiel about how his mom had cancer and how all the money from his merch went to cancer research and blah, blah, blah. And then afterward, he was like,

I don't fucking donate any of that money that's all for me that's so but he got my room number from uh like the sound guy and came and like knocked on my door and i opened it was like what the fuck and he's like you want to party and i was like get the fuck out of here no it's like two in the morning we're strangers he's a headliner. Maybe you'll put in a good word. I can teach you how to lie your way into headlining. You just give me about an hour. What you do is he's going to teach her, the girl who was booked to headline, how to headline. You just fell for it, right?

Yeah. You didn't check. No, I didn't check. What was his name? I'm not going to say. Come on his name? I'm not going to say. Come on. No, I'm not going to say. I'm not.

I can't. That dude's creepy as fuck. He's creepy as fuck. He's defrauding the whole cancer fraud charity. I know. And also, he's a problem for, you're not the only one who he works with. You know what? Just say it, and I'll bleep it out.

Just say it, I'll bleep it out. You write it down, and I'll tell you a story about another guy and I'll make up a huge lie. But I'll insert that name. I'm getting an A right now. Is there an Allen? An Al? Keith? We got the Long Island medium here.

Listen, you know, I'm complicit in capitalism. Who am I to throw stones? I worked with this girl. I think it was Uncle Funny's in Florida. She had cancer for years, but she did. You can tell. She's wispy-haired and big, big girl. She's dead now. I can't remember her name, but she had merch, and it was Proceeds Go, and it was something to do about cancer with a funny twist on her T-shirt.

go and it's something to do about cancer with a funny twist on her t-shirt and i had my first cd out and i opened with uh listen she's selling those uh t-shirts for cancer because she's dying of a brain tumor i'm also going to be selling merch after the show i'm going to be selling my cd and a lot of you are going to have to decide which one do i buy because that's a good CD, but this is going to help her try to survive a brain tumor. And I'm just going to say this. Stop playing God. Did it work? Yeah, it worked.

It worked pretty good. Oh, the fucking guy with the one arm, the no arm, and then the one hook arm? That guy was funny as shit. We had a cast of characters here. He would have been great if he had, instead of that clamp, if it was a bottle opener. Every time I was like, oh, I thought he was opening a bottle, and it was just him drinking. It's a fucking great idea. I know.

Well, we've tried to do that. We should put one on the right. Tell him that story. He should have a right one. He just has Yeah. Well, we've tried to do that. You should put one on the right. Tell him that story. You should have a right one that's... Yeah. He just has a left one, and the right one is nothing. Yeah, it's just an empty sleeve. Empty stump.

Yeah. Why not another arm? Just get another arm, but have a bottle open on the right one. There's nothing to attach it to. Oh, yeah, yeah. You need something there. He's very proficient with that thing. Maybe a lotion glove for those off days.

Well, that's what we tried to do. A secreting hand glove. Remember the man show? Yeah. It was right after Aaron Ralston, the 127 Hours guy, had to cut off his arm. And we go, we should get him on the man show and give him man show prosthetics, like a jerk-off prosthetic and a flipping-off traffic prosthetic. And it was a funny idea, but we couldn't get the guy.

So we got Roger Rittenhouse, who's a brilliant Denver comic who actually has a hook. So everyone knows the story. So we just introduced Roger Rittenhouse as the guy from the story because no one knows what the guy looks like. They just know the story. And then the writers overwrote it and turned it into something. Not me. Nope. I never overwrote nothing.

You didn't have a pen. He was a writer on the Man Show that didn't know how to turn on a laptop. I was an idea guy. He would show up to the writer's room with a bunch of crumbled up cocktail napkins. I did it all, guys. Oh, no. I thought he was just cleaning a spill. Well, who knows what was written on him.

There was nothing written on him. Yeah, the guy, Johnny, Jimmy, would you say? Who? The guy yesterday at the party. Yeah, he showed up casually. I mean, there's a full house here with a buffet line and shit when he walked through the gate. I just yelled at him. I go, Jesus, short sleeves.

Put on a jacket. People are trying to eat. Oh, God. I watched Baby Arme eat once and i mean baby arm joe was a one of our old desert party era cast of characters and he had a baby arm with a little nub like a thumb like a wart thumb yeah it was a genital thumb and he was sitting by me he was sitting by me and he's eating with that thing and touching his food with an eye i mean i guess it's the wrong thing to do but i like i can't fucking eat if you're gonna keep

stumping your food he was at a gig he was at a gig in atlanta at the punchline i think you were with me and we're talking about him during the show because he'd come out and uh at the merch booth we got a ink pad so i'd sign a cd and then he'd stamp his stump on it as his autograph yeah i don't mind seeing it in ink but in food as a gross little thing oh my god he played bass too and uh he played so many nights no no uh but he he wore his nub halfway off. The next night, they super glued his genital nub that he picked with because it was like the Brian Adams song. Played it to my nub.

We were both thinking of the summer of 69. Oh, that was a good year. Yep. Little stump fingers. Hey, I got dates too. I'm like Jeff. I don't like working six days in a good year. Yep. Little stump fingers. Hey, I got dates, too. I'm like Jeff. I don't like working six days in a calendar year. I put a couple of them together in Daytona Beach with Sean Rouse and Junior Stopko over Easter weekend.

Come and bring your blow. We'll keep it away from Rouse. Oh, that's right. March 25, 26. Yes. Daytona. And that's the one we've already talked about this, but I want to fly down there just to witness it.

What's the name of the club? Andy Andriston Jr. Stopka. That's substitute teacher kind of comedy. No one's in charge on that. I recommend... We call it Neck Sniper Up. They'll do the opposite where they go, no, Tribble said I'm opening. No one's in charge on that. I recommend. We call it next sniper up. I recommend. They'll do the opposite where they go, no, Tribble said I'm opening.

Sean gave me great advice on the down and dirty taping that I didn't get put on the air or whatever. They changed all of my material or whatever, and I was really struggling. We talked, and I told Rouse, fuck it. Just do what you want. Put the right bit at the end so they can edit it. So we'll be doing that in Daytona. I want more Emma Pope. I don't know.

Real quick, before we get off of Andy's date, I recommend going the 25th. I know these three dudes and the 25th will come off better than the 26th. Well, not necessarily, because when you – Sean Rouse, some of his best material is just explaining why his face is mauled from carpet burns from the night before. He went poaching. Talk about Andy. Oh, yeah.

Sean Rouse came to see me at the Houston Improv last fall and was so wasted by the time he got there he didn't recognize me he introduced himself to me he came because I was there I was talking to him at that back little alley at the comedy store for a while

and then he goes oh Jaylee I bought you two drinks, fucker. I think that's why he bites people is so he can recognize them. By taste. It's got the scar. You've been marked. You've been marked as a friend of Rouse.

And March 25th is my birthday. So we'll be able to get you in free and get you a cupcake. And you can bring eight of your friends. At the Joke Factory, your birthdays are never missed. get you in free and get you a cupcake. And you can bring eight of your friends. At the Joke Factory, your birthdays are never missed. Just sign up on their mailing list. And if you look at my website,

my calendar is as sparse as Andy's, i.e. none. Actually, you all have more gigs than me. I have no gigs. My standard line is when somebody says, what are your avails? I say, go to get a calendar. They're cheap now. And open it up, and there it is. Pick a date.

Very accurate. Yeah. Yeah. Even if you go to the dollar store at New Year's Eve and get last year's calendar, still accurate. I never recommend the 18-month planner, because who's got time for that? I want more Emma Arnold stories of shitbags, horndogs you've worked with on the road,

because I know I was that guy. Yeah. What do you get more? A headliner who wants to help you with your act? I see a lot of potential in you, and if you want to get together and write. I get some of that, yeah. I do my best writing in the hot tub.

You want to bring your notebook to the jacuzzi? Have you ever walked into a writing session and the guy actually had a pen out? There was supposed to be, they were like, oh, a guy was like, we're all here, we're all, you know, smoking bowls and writing. Just come over. When I got there, he was the only person there.

And then we were kind of sitting on opposite sides of the couch. And then he kept scooting closer and closer and put his arm around me and tried to kiss me. And I was like, oh, no, no, no. I have a boyfriend. I'm not interested. You're a disgusting person. Please don't touch me. And then he kept trying to kiss me and kept trying to kiss me.

And then he eventually was like, come on. Can I just put my head in your lap? I'm so lonely. And I was like, dude. Yeah, that's a good one. And that man was not Brett Erickson. Don't you hate hearing other comics that stole your bits? You got fucking hacked.

That's my thing. He kept pushing me back under the couch. When I would try to get up, he'd keep pushing me back down. And I finally got fucking hack. That's my thing. And then he kept pushing me back under the couch when I would try to get up. He'd keep pushing me back down. And I finally got up. He's a big dude. And I finally got up

and was like, I'm leaving. This is really uncomfortable. You're being really awful. And he like kind of cornered me and was like, well, at least hug me. Come on, at least hug me.

Give me a hug. He wouldn't let me leave. Louis Anderson's a big hugger. He is a big hugger. Yeah, but Emma's not his type no i'm not he like he hugged me and groped me all over and like grabbed my ass and stuff in my and was just like groping me and then i was like okay bye and he followed me out to the like kept following and kept trying to touch me like all the way to my car that's why stop stop touching me stop touching

me stop fucking touching me so he held touching me. So he held you down. He groped you. He grabbed your ass and that went on for a certain amount. I'm just trying to find your boundaries. Oh, no, I kept saying, I kept saying like,

they do call it. Don't touch me. They call it closing. I just want to see how much you'll tell without actually saying the name publicly. Oh, I'm itching to say this, but I travel with her. Yeah.

But this guy, if he listens, he knows who he is. And he knows I know who he is. And he knows Emma knows who he is. And he knows you guys are going to know who he is when this episode's over. That's not even the worst. At a show I booked and put on, so an out-of-town guy put on my show,

he kept smacking my ass and touching me and I kept being like don't fucking touch me but I was trying to host too so it was kind of like I was busy and I'd be like don't fucking touch me but I was kind of doing my job as you're going through your notes don't grab my ass and then she's on stage going hey you know what I hate about Taco Bell don't grab my ass

I'm sorry I wrote that down subliminally when I was but it's all that it's all that stuff that never even occurs to us because we can go to those shows and look at our notebooks and no no nobody's fucking grabbing our ass if my ass gets grabbed before a show it's by you and it's fun because we're friends it's not i didn't mean it like that i don't care i'll fuck you i'll call your bluff and fuck you just to just to call your bluff it's only funny if you do it yeah yeah you want to see how far you'll take it i'll fucking commit to a bit i just i just wonder i'm not even a comic

this is just a gag it's a long con he might be one of the top comics working today but it's ironic ain't it yeah yeah i just want to get rich bottom low plan i just wonder how many times i was that guy and didn't realize it i thought she really that's pretty i don't think you were that guy ever well there's sometimes you think you're close and like i'm just i have a boyfriend you we've all got i have a boyfriend and then you fucked her a little bit of work yeah and you go uh well how many times was i that guy and i just didn't know it because i thought she was the kind of girl that has to say i have a boyfriend so she doesn't have any slut guilt and then you go oh yeah she left she

never did fuck me she had a boyfriend she said but i think i wonder how many times I should be name-dropped from when I was a Tribble comic trying to fucking... Well, I never worked with a female opener. Were you... Tribble has taste. I'm sorry, he used to. Back in my day. That was how you saved that?

You can... Did you do a lot of bear jokes i did some pretty fucking terrible jokes just you should do you should tell the second half of that story oh so so after grabbing me you know feeling me up a bunch of um he finally came and he was like no No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Let her finish the sentence. Tell it slower. Tell it slower. I was proud because I'm masturbating during the story and he came before I did.

I still have stamina. You guys came at the same time. Can we shoulder jack during this story? He walked over to me and was like, you know, he was like, I'm sorry about that. Let me give you a hug. And I was wearing a skirt and was like you know he was like i'm sorry about that you know let me give you a hug and i was wearing a skirt and i you know he was leaving so i went to kind of like yeah okay and gave him like a half arm but this was the next day no yeah well no this was the same show he had been grossed in the on a show that i did this show night before too but i was condensing um but when he went to leave he kind of get i he like was trying to give me a

hug i let him give me like a half hug and he pulled me leave, he was trying to give me a hug. I let him give me a half hug, and he pulled me in. And I was wearing a skirt, and he stuck his hands up my skirt and put two fingers inside me, full penetration, really, really gross. He's just looking for his keys. To be fair, I had them, but they were in my bra. Nobody ever looks there. Not when the front door is wide open. It was his lighter I had in my vagina.

Jesus. There's not a weird combination of words that don't trigger a story for you, does there? Brendan Walsh had a gal pal and we're at that bar behind the punchline and she's trying to prove the ping pong ball

story comes up about strippers who do that. She goes, I can do that. Then she stuffs a lighter up her snatch and she's trying to blow it out with her legs spread over the table on an outdoor patio at a bar that's open and failing but go no i can do it wait wait hang on hang on someone spit on it all over the table

i'm just sorry i ruined that for you but that's you're not you're like you're now only halfway through that story well so so that so i pushed away from him and was like fuck you get the fuck out of here you're disgusting uh and then i walked out to the patio and was kind of like shaking and like upset and i walked out and you know all my comic friends are sitting out there a bunch of dudes, and I was like, this guy just fucking stuck his fingers inside of me and grabbed me. Who I thought was one of my best comic friends was like,

well, you don't dress like that. Literally said the thing. Dress like that. You're wearing a skirt. I was like, what the fuck? That's why dudes don't wear them much. Try wearing dreadlocks on your pussy. A comic can put you in a bathtub, and then you say, please fuck me in the ass, and you still get nothing.

You dress like that. Dress like that. Nobody's fucking ass. Hang on. Do I have any rubber maids from Bleach in the Sink? Do you have any rubber gloves? Hang on one second, honey. I want to jam two fingers in you, but not

unprotected. But it like never goes away, this kind of horse shit. No. Because this guy got like regionally outed a little bit. Not really outed, but like some comics in the scene found out who it was. And then like

their reaction was immediate. Do I know this guy? I have a guess. No. Because I wrote a thing about it later much later and then but I didn't name his name I just said like hey this is some shit that happens to a lot of women I work with because it's not an uncommon story yeah and the people from his scene came and they were like who is it and I told them and they were like oh yeah him that shit happens all the time. All right. What the fuck? Because we hear statistics and we have a room full. So we have one, two, three, four, five ladies here.

How many of you have a tale of being sexually assaulted on some level? I don't want to hear it, but raise a hand. Four out of five. No, we were dating, Tracy. That doesn't fucking count. Jesus. You can still say no, Greg. Hey, Jen's coming in, and she worked at a comedy club, so I'm going to guess for five. Four out of five, and you still won't tell this dude's name.

He will. I want to real bad, but Emma's on this episode. It's the ladies' prerogative. We'll make another episode later. No, but they told him to go find counseling or whatever no well so they asked me and they were like what do you think some other comics the bookers and the comics in the town were like what do you think like a terrible fucking 10 years oh he's not an open your rape by a bad comic he's a bad comic but he's not an

open mic really can't even put that on the resume he's been doing it 10 years and you won't know his name yeah so he's real great at it he's not yeah but they asked me what i thought should be done and i know a lot of people advocate kicking that guy out or whatever but i i've worked with enough dudes like you said you're like maybe i was that dude i know if you start kicking those guys out you can have a very empty comedy scene very fast if you're like, alright, none of these fucking drunk perverts can do comedy anymore, well, that's part of the reason women don't have names. Let me go back to our

live studio audience survey. Of the four of you who were sexually assaulted, was he hilarious? None of them. If he was, I can't believe I just got finger banged by Anthony Jezelnik. None of them. If he was, he'd be going, I can't believe I just got finger-banged by Anthony Jeselnik.

I had no other reference. That's the only funny person you can think of? I was trying to go with obscure and weird. Anthony Jeselnik has no reputation of doing weird shit. No, nothing. Not that I know of. I just pulled a name out of a hat. No, Jeselnik is like, he's kind of like you. We're offstage.

He's completely just the nicest, sweetest guy. And you, like, people are surprised. Cut his mic. People that only know you from your records. What's going on? What the fuck is happening here? No, people that only know Doug from his records. We fucking try so hard to build this illusion of this prick that we're sitting across from,

and you come in here and say all nicey-nice, rainbows and fucking lollipops. I tried to go with the name. I didn't want to name someone I know and then have someone say, he's not funny, and then now it's on my podcast that a friend of mine is being said. I'd rather have someone say, Brendan Walsh is a rapist and unfunny. That's my friend. Let's say he's not funny on my show, even if he did rape you.

Brendan Walsh does not rape women. I'm just trying to find... And he is funny. He's very funny. But there are some guys that just have no idea how fucking dumb they are like their reactions and how they think the women should handle these situations how did jeff tate come on to you oh no jeff with the first when we first met he basically hid behind a doorway he was terrified of me how long did it take him to get up the skirt?

One finger. He's a gentleman. One finger. I'll tell you two words that'll terrify any comic. Six kids. You want to move to the country and raise a bunch of kids with me? There's not been a lot of yeses to that question. But now you're going to get all kinds of tweets.

I sure did after Stan Santa posted that picture. I am road trip at I am road trip. If you'd like to tweet the beautiful, uh, at least clothed Emma Arnold. Well, six kids. I know three of them only,

only three came out of you, but that's going to blow you out a bit. She wears longer dresses now. So to be fair, you're blown out without any children you fat fuck what's your you you are at jeff g-e-o-f-f i had to fucking even it out otherwise i'm sexist no no i know i'm i'm fucking i have gotten softer body wise that is the phrase that has been used you know what and i was so sad I didn't have the opportunity to stumble into your bed to feel it. Well, there's one more night, Doug.

There is one more night. You got that other half of my record. Your Twitter handle. JeffTate96. G-E-O-F-F-T-A-T-E-96. And we got a bunch of stuff coming up. We got a couple of festivals we're doing stuff at. We got a lot of stuff, so just check the website.

And your podcast. And my podcast, Jeff tate's mash podcast though just type jeff tate into the podcast thing and it comes yeah just google jeff tate podcast jeff tate comic because it's not jeff tate because it's queens right you get the queens right guy that's his name yeah but jeff tate like i've done this long enough that uh jeff tate i am on the first page like i might not be the number one but i might be be. I think I'm number two now. You're down a little bit. You will be after this broadcast, sir. Yeah, yeah. If you Google Emma Arnold, the third thing that comes up is Holocaust.

You might be able to Google Jeff Tate fat. That'll probably get me right away, too. Have you ever talked to Jeff Tate from Queensryche on Twitter? A couple of times. One time, Bert Kreischer was on cowhead show in tampa and they were talking to him on their hotline and so burt brought up that he knows me with the same name so cowhead called me and said whatever the rock line guy's name was and he goes

hey you're live on rock line we just uh want to know why queens right broke up and get some get some dish so i just started answering all the questions he was asking just to see how far I could get into it. Because I've done it before. Like I did a 40-minute podcast with a public radio station in Long Island who thought they could get to the guy from Queensryche on Facebook. And so I just called him up at whatever time he said, had the other guy's Wikipedia page up, and so I could get enough of the facts right.

And then the conjecture stuff, I would be funny. but I would try to be right about the rest of it you probably know this but I did this with uh Johnny Rotten yeah Johnny Lydon Johnny Lydon where I had a interview scheduled and he transposed the times and the phone numbers so that guy was supposed to be on at 6 30 in the morning I wasn't nearly as funny because I'm waking up and I'm putting together what the... I just have a few questions about TLC or... Not TLC. What is new?

PIL. Public Games Limited. They just come up with a new album. You said enough buzzwords. I figured out... Oh, because I knew I had an interview five hours later and I did the same thing. Pulled up the Wikipedia page.

I don't even – my contacts are still gummy, so I can barely read. And I'm trying to do a phony English accent at 7.30 in the morning. So it wasn't funny. I know you probably pulled it off, but I pulled it off. I just didn't have any jokes. You did the whole interview. He did the whole interview. I only had to do a couple of minutes.

Well, no, I did that whole interview, yeah. And then when he got to the what kind of music do you like part, that was the part where I was lost because I was like, I don't fucking like, I don't even like Queensryche. So I don't know. He was asking me what my favorite track was, and I go, it's always the third track or something. And when I didn't have an answer, I had a bottle of water,

and I'd fill my water up and then fake puke into the toilet. I'm having a bit of a rough night. Hold on. Hold on. And they cut all of that out of there because there's a pre-tape. I pretended that I was like, oh, I make music like that. I don't listen to music like that. So I just started talking about Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Ah, your favorite band. Yeah. Yeah. Bob Seger. Bob Seger's listening before you say that. Edit that out. They were all wild. Like they,

they couldn't believe it was like, you don't listen to King Crimson or anything. I was like, why would I listen to that? I make that kind of music. I like the heartbreakers. And then one time in Cincinnati, I went and did a live,

like I was on the radio with him. The guy that had the show thought it'd be funny to have us both on at the same time and then with the queen's right yeah yeah and he said he'd been interviewing him basically once a year for 20 years and that was the first time it was ever fun because he couldn't be his usual fucking rock and roll pretentious whatever because he's there with me and he knows he knows that i know our level of relevance because he knows that i've seen my headshots at his gigs like online and he's seen my headshots at his gigs and he knows my dates were on his fucking vh1 classic queens reich tab where they put juniors in eerie pennsylvania and fucking cap city austin tex, like the guy from Queensrides doing five-night stands at comedy clubs all month.

Wrestlers are doing it. Why not? The first time I played Seattle at Kirkland, they just had my name on the marquee, just Jeff Tate, and there was a dozen people at each show that were mad at me enough to stay through the whole thing and then tell me at the end that they thought I was going to be the other guy and that I should change my name uh i was some gig i think it was that santa barbara gig

that that chick kimmy d was she was here for part of the weekend little girl yeah little tiny lady with gray hair staying at the shady dell she uh i think it was that show, but some show where the guy kept saying, do the something bit. And I go, that doesn't even ring a bell. I don't do old shit, but you're confusing me so much because I don't know what that bit is. And he thought he was there to see Dan Tosh.

Finally, I had to bleed it out of him and someone else knew that. I go, what's the joke? And he told the joke and someone else said, that's Dan Tosh. You've been sitting there the whole time. I don't even look like Dan Tosh. He drove a long way. You do to me.

Well, yeah, Andy. You've been wearing those sunglasses for four days now. You've seen my eyes. What's the name of your podcast? I have not seen your eyes. Is the name of your podcast, because you kind of muddled through it, and now I think it's Tate on Tate where it's just it's called jeff tate's mash dueling jeff tate's jeff tate's mash podcast oh it's like a network because i like to mash or

mashed mashed podcast i like to make multiple types of podcasts uh is this one about mash because you had the you had the podcast that was all about cheers. I have a podcast that's about cheers. I have one where I try to get my dad to try something he thinks he hates. I have one where I talk to people I graduated high school with to see if I fucked up or not. And I have one that's just a regular podcast. It's just like a regular fucking standard. These are four different podcasts? Yeah, yeah. But I don't want to trick people, so they all have different titles under that title.

Then I have the one I make with Emma that's just about our tour. And that one's called Gosh, I'm Funny with Emma Arnold. I'm forcing her to host her own podcast. Do you consider yourselves the... She gets a lot of things forced on her. Podcast will be all right. Do you... Fuck, I'll probably come up with the name at the end of this sentence,

but do you consider yourselves the new Ralphie May and... Lana? Lana Turner of comedy? I am, first of all, I am not that fat. And secondly, she doesn't even own a guitar. I know a girl with a ukulele. I'm not looking for more support acts. I can barely afford the one I have.

I don't need, I don't want to, although it would be nice to travel with somebody who thinks Motel 6 is good living. These lights come on every time. The Unbookables was exactly that. I want to get back to the story about you met. He's hiding behind a door. Yeah. So we met at that festival.

We kind of met in the hallway first because he was walking up with Benson as I was coming downstairs. And we were kind of like, oh, hey. And he was like, where are you from? And I was like, Idaho. And he's like, shit, I used to live in Weezer, which is like a tiny little town. And I was like, no shit. And he was like, we'll talk later. You lived in Weezer?

Yeah. I lived there for two years. I lived in Crouch, Idaho. What? Yeah. Holy shit. And he was like, we'll talk later. You lived in Weezer? Yeah. I lived there for two years. I lived in Crouch, Idaho. What? Yeah. Holy shit. Yeah. Tiny little.

So we were like, oh, yeah. So then later at the bar, we just kind of, he came over, we started talking. He was pretty drunk and he was hiding behind a door. I wasn't that. I wasn't very drunk. I hadn't drank anything until right then. Voices, voices. Don't be your dad.

It's not your dad's podcast. Thank you. don't be your dad it's not your dad's podcast but yeah we just kind of we hit it off partly because we were some of the older people at that festival everybody was kind of in their 20s and everybody around midnight was like let's do a bunch of fucking mushrooms

and Jeff and I were like oh no no thank you it's very late already so your bullshit is strong. I don't know. I'm a little tired, too, and I had that glass of wine, so I'm tipsy. Could you walk me home? I got finger fucked after a festival once, and I'm scared.

Well, she doesn't. Can I put my head under that? I'm talking to you saying this. But I haven't done hallucinogens in forever. All right. Because that, like, really, like, I don't want to get deeper in here, especially back then. You don't want to go all Brendan Walsh in the desert. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It took me a year to convince Brendan to go back to a comedy club. I don't think Brendan's a little too busy to talk me into it. No. Brandon's a little too busy to talk me into it. No. He's trying to keep Lidke out of jail for pretending to make phone calls on cookies and whatever it is he does. I don't know this guy. Catch me up after the podcast.

I don't want to interrupt her yet again. I keep treating Emma like she's the conversation piece where I ask you a question and then we all make jokes and ignore you for an hour. So when did he pull his dick out? you never we went to break you haven't fucked him yet no oh it's fantastic no no we play up the fact that we might be a couple a little bit for situations just like this everyone here thinking we were together got us a room with a door that locked so this is like being a bonnaroo, but we had a chill-out tent. We were the only ones with a chill-out tent.

People think that about me and Doug. Obviously, they're fucking looking at him. No, we're too limp to do that. I have half of Viagra sitting here. I know you don't. It is gone.

Gulp. These pants are getting tight. Is that why you started standing? I was going to Rochambeau you for it. Is that why you're standing? Oh, boner me. No, we just became friends. We were both in our mid-30s. I'm late 30s.

But everybody else was like, let's get fucking crazy at midnight in a town we've never been in. And I was like, you guys know that the free breakfast only goes till 11. What are you doing? I'm like that now. That's me. We got to be up by 10 so we can eat. I'm going to close the deal. It's going to be before like 730 because I'm gone after the show.

I'm right to bed. I fucking it's going to be before like 7.30 because I'm gone after the show. I'm right to bed. I fucking love free breakfast. But we did. We ended up just watching Chopped and talking about being old and not liking the road and stuff and how the road was weird. Being miserable. You got comedy. I was kind of at the point like I was ready to quit. And Jeff was like, I'm a bartender.

I'm not doing comedy anymore. And I was like, yeah, I think it's killing me. I think I'm going to quit. And so we talked about that and hung out. And then I had a gig in Toledo and he had one north of that. So he came down and joined. I was on tour with a couple other guys and he came down and did a guest spot on the worst show ever. I thought it was far to shit.

I like doing terrible shows with friends of mine. We got tics in the hotel room. It was great. I like doing terrible shows when it's not my responsibility yeah it's not my show i could just jump into a terrible show and make it a little worse yeah they're not paying to see me anyway the guy who headlined that show should feel bad not me i did 10 minutes i had fun but i didn't uh uh oh shit i lost my train of thought you go you keep you keep telling the story because i've ran out out. Her story ran out when you never pulled your dick out.

No, it was. Oh, no. I want to hear about your friendship. No one's tuning in for that. She told me the story of a couple of those road stories. And then I was like, you know, I want to do comedy, but I don't know how. And I can't do it by myself. So I know I'm not going fuck uh fucking uh harass you and

assault you on the road so why don't we try to do a few dates like that and see what happens you know like honestly i am like i have a boyfriend and i was married for a long time and we had kind of an open kind of ongoing arrangement i'm trying out monogamy for the first time like it's the only the last frontier for me bingo and i had an arrangement. Andy has a question. Bingo and I had an arrangement, which was, yeah, fucking lie. No. Just lie. Why can't you just lie and do it out of town? Do it out of town and lie.

That's an open relationship and monogamy at the same time. Depending on who you're talking to. Yeah, yeah. Just because you find the keys doesn't mean you shouldn't lock the door when you when you when you have a 20 year old hippie bent over a bed that wants you by request to fuck her in the ass and a thousand thoughts go through your head one of the biggest ones is she lives up in a cave i'm'm going to see her again. This is going to be funny for a podcast, but I'm going to see her again in town. I go out and I'll fuck around on the road rarely, but I lie.

Jesus, can't you just do that? I've never ever done that. I think that's what you're doing right now. No. I'm not going to put you on a polygraph. I am a polygraph. And you're fucking, it's going all over the charts. But go ahead.

No, I have a good thing. Like, I have a guy I like and we're raising kids together, and I respect him. I never before with my ex, I never liked somebody enough to, like, be honest and be real and not fuck around. And I like this guy. I like my boyfriend a lot. Wow, what a fucking... That's a closer. Sorry. I know. So you better pull your dick out sooner

or later. Yeah, pencil that in. Hey, hey. There's a little double entendre there. I didn't care for it. Alright, I'm getting fucking hammered. I put a finger in his ass. You heard that story.

Don't use other material from other podcasts. Everyone knows the old boring finger. She was just telling him the story of how the guy did it in a skirt and one thing led to another. He was being sympathetic. I just am a very descriptive storyteller. Is there any way you could show me? Was it like,

did he jam it? Try jamming it. Okay, yeah, I wouldn't like that either. Try lubricating. Was it like that? Sorry. It was first of all, that wasn't her in the bit. Also uh i can't oh no like i'm tired of hearing these stories of these fucking super creeps and i thought i saw her do comedy and i

was like this girl's great at comedy she deserves to be able to do it without being fucking terrified on the road and i need somebody to go with me so So it's worked out. I mean, we're here. Well, you're both fucking brilliant. It was the Friday night show here. Not that Saturday was bad, but we had so much. Saturday was the head over two. Yes. Good call, sir.

Yeah, that Friday show. And I want to do more shows here in the Funhouse. I was talking to Ollie, who's barely alive this morning because of Chad Shank. We were high-fiving over he did the right thing and not beat the shit out of some guy that looked at him weird or said the wrong thing. And I high-fived over not fucking a young hippie girl in the ass. And we were just so happy into the wee hours going, we did the right thing for once. Meanwhile, me and Emma, every night at 1.30,

we would look at each other and go, we made it to 1.30. We can go to bed now. It's time for sleep because we're not drinking. Ridiculous old people. Hey, where's the free breakfast? It's in your kitchen. Turns out. We would try to hit 130 every night just to be like, okay, we're not dorks.

But now we're dorks. All right. Check out Jeff Tate and Emma Arnold on the road and just Google them. They're easy to find. We've said your names enough. Tweet them and tell them you love them and that uh that you uh use squarespace yeah yeah use squarespace use the squarespace build a website unlike most of my friends the fucking best comics are the worst people business

wise i didn't have a website until i decided to put this tour together and emma thought it was so hilarious i didn't have one that she made me one. In an hour. It's that easy on Squarespace. Holy shit. You could do this? And then I just had a website. Now I have a website.

I knew comics, James Inman, that didn't have a cell phone. How do you fucking not have a cell phone? Well, I got Brenda's phone. You can call Brenda. She's a rape crisis counselor. I don't want to's phone. You can call Brenda. She's a rape crisis counselor. I don't want to call her. With rape fantasies. You're the only one that calls Inman anyway.

It's funny sometimes. And I do get a lot of requests for Inman to be back on the podcast because he's so easy to wind up like a jack-in-the-box. But I ain't flying him down here again. Last time, he came on a one-way ticket with no money.

And he thought he could sell a Vicodin that he had in a pocket full of Vicodin. I'll just sell a Vicodin and I'll get a bus ticket back. And there's no bus here. You can't get a bus ticket and no one likes you enough to drive you home and you took all your Vicodin

on the first day. And Mexico's seven miles away. Cheaper. You can't get painkillers over there, just Xanax and things you need. He's our tour manager for me and Junior and Sean Rouse. You know what? If we do that gig, March 25th, Andy Andrist and Sean Rouse and Junior Stopka together. do that gig march 25th andy andrist uh uh and sean rouse and junior stop together that when when i

put a tour together in my mind a fantasy tour only one of you would be on it i'll take an andy a junior a sean rouse if he has a handler uh but not not all together without someone that can fucking control them. It's like the dream team, not the basketball players. Yeah, you go. Okay. I'm going to need a Jeff Tate or a Brett Erickson and then we can

put a crazy wild card in the middle but we got to make sure the show is strong and there's two people to find the third guy at seven o'clock the next morning. Last time I saw him, he was wandering towards the pool with a fat girl, and I heard sirens, but I already took my Xanax, so I slept through it. You have to have that perfect blend. I'm not positive me and Brett would go find one of those dudes. We'll wait until morning.

That's what I'm saying. It's going to be me and you and a junior or me and an Erickson and an Andres. It's going to, you're going to have, it has to compliment the bill. That fucking show, March 25th,

26. If you want to, I'm drunk. So I'm about to say, I'll fly you down there. No, I'm not going to fly everyone down there. Make it to Daytona, March 25th for my birthday.

The Joke Factory. That would be my ultimate birthday present is watching the funniest disaster acts in the world. Well, it's my birthday right before that. Why don't we just go down and do it? The 5th. The 5th. I know a great Uber tranny driver. Do you mean like an automatic?

Yeah, I needed a ride. It was late. But anyway, that's for laters. All right. Junior, stop pacing out there. Maybe we do another podcast in a little bit, but this will get out as quickly as possible.

We'll jump in front of the other two. Tweet shit at me and I'll retweet yeah yeah i i only recently found out there's a button you can hit to read other people's tweets not just the ones that are about me you just check the mentions you'll have to show me that one all right uh, thank you. And follow these people online and show up at their gigs because they're the best people in the world. And let's play Mishka Shabali since he's not here to do it live. Oh, wait.

Let's have Emma do it in a sexy voice. All right. Come over here, Emma. Okay. This episode was brought to you by Squarespace. Start building your website today at squarespace.com enter offer code Doug Stanhope at checkout to get 10% off Squarespace

build it beautiful Bye. Boxes and boxes of unlabeled crap If I die now they will never get undone I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember a good little night 2003 real fuck night City did it not Sweet child of mine

And that nightstand I built for you Is it lonely for me alone in your bedroom? Does it cry at night or does it understand as you do tremble underneath your new man's hands I can't remember when you were mine

I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine 2003 feels like 1989 Sweet child of mine All those messages that you've been receiving That I can't remember leaving

It's a small relief still It's a good thing You're deleting without listening. They disappear like pennies down a wishing well. Tiny good intentions on the road to hell that I'll go bankrupt and that well will overflow before you'll forgive me and let me come home

I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine No, I can't remember when you were mine no I can't remember when you were mine 2003 feels like

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