The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #124: Chad's Bad Week

Episode Date: February 15, 2016

Chad's bad week.Recorded Feb. 13, 2016 in the new Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope) & Chad Shank (@hdfatty). Produced and Edited by a very sick Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).LINKS -MISHKA SHUBALY - @mishkashubalyhttp://apple.co/1QqAsmMPre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on AmazonBrian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing Songs, "Gideon's Bible, from COWARD'S PATH by Mishka Shubaly. Available at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

And we're live, just in case you talk while I'm building this bar. Oh, okay. I don't know what I would say. All right, this is how fucked up we are as people. I'm trying to write this pilot that we start shooting on Thursday. So I've just been busting Chad Shank's balls to come over just so I can bounce ideas off of them. Because otherwise it's the dogs. I just call people and annoy them.

And they want to talk about themselves. I just want someone to sit in that chair, like play video games. And occasionally I can just go, hey, what do you think about this? Just so I can say it out loud. You realize all I've done is talk about myself, right? I know. We're like a fucking psychotic Seinfeld. Self-involved.

Sorry, everyone's also sick from that fucking party. Probably from me running around kissing everyone on the mouth, spreading fucking disease like a typhoid Mary. I'm not blaming bisbee blow but i'm just saying i didn't have a sinus infection before i did bisbee blow yeah i i thought it was the blow but so many people are sick from that party with fucking fever flu-like symptoms that didn't do blow for good reason but yeah so chad comes over and i i didn't know that he was doing it because he felt like he had to but but then he started talking chad's had a bad week chaley's not here chaley's sick so it's just me and chad it's like a fucking substitute teacher there's no teacher in class we could do anything we want with this podcast so so when where did the worm turn first of all let me say i don't really this was probably

the longest super bowl party on record because christine levine was the first person in the Sunday before, and the last person to leave left Thursday morning. So that's like 11 days. It's the 12 days of Super Bowl party. Yeah, I did. I was here for that was part of what I think, too, might have caused my fucking downfall this week was it was a fucking good time. I mean, yeah, I don't know what happened, which day, but, but then there's a time when I got to come crashing down.

Like, it's like drugs, even when you're, I was doing drug, but even if you're not doing drugs, like if I have a high, high, I'm going to fucking crash.

Absolutely. Low, low. So I'm pretty sure that's fucking, I was thinking even if, even if I didn't feel like a dickhead after that Saturday night, I would have found some reason when I have that much fun. Or the Friday night, actually.

I just felt like I don't thank people enough. I just find something that makes me feel shitty about having a great time. Yeah. But not as deep as you went. Well, I don't know. I don't know what happened. I couldn't tell you when it happened. I just know that I started getting really suicidal.

Well, you said you got your... Sorry, this is what you have to... Flimcast? No, when you fucking have to repeat shit you just said 10 minutes ago. That's what comedy feels like. That's why it feels fraudulent, but i'll guide you through this yeah you got your uh disability yearly paperwork oh yeah that's bingo got hers too that's depressing as fuck you gotta explain why you're crazy it's basically paperwork that says tell us specifically how you're a fucked up human being. Yeah.

Write down everything you hate about yourself that you're trying to ignore. Yeah. In detail all at once. How does being said fucked up human being cause other people anguish in their life? It's a fucking suicide primer is all that fucking thing is. It's a suicide note. Mad libsbs the government's trying to fucking save money on disability is what i think they let's if he's close this should

push him over the edge so i think that might have been what kicked it off that kind of gets stuck in the back of your head you know you have to fill that shit out and you start filling it out and reaffirming everything. It really is. The very first question is, tell us what you do from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. I don't have an answer for that at all. The time I wake up and the time I go to bed is never the same. I'm not the same person when I get up. I don't have a schedule.

I just try to survive when I get up, I don't have a schedule. I don't have. I just try to survive when I wake up. The thing about most of the people here that hang out here is no one really has a regular day. Very few of us. I don't fucking have a regular day ever. Like you said, I'm not the same guy for any 24-hour period. Yeah. And to make me sit there and try to fucking analyze that when i'm not in the mood for it after i've just fucking come off a big high i think that's probably what

set me down then i started watching suicide videos of you know i i tweeted that bud dwyer is my hero at one point you've been you've played that twice on your phone now someone somebody responded and told me that song by uh filter hey man nice shot is about bud dwyer and it's a fucking that's a great suicide song i like it and uh someone made a video of the song that starts with his speech goes into the song and then ends with his suicide that you've been playing over and over since you got here. Yeah. Getting a little red-eyed.

It's the mood I'm in. Well, I watch those videos. I watch suicide by cop videos, you know, where people get shot, because that was my other plan. If I was going to tile a floor, I would watch videos about tiling a floor. I've never done that before i never committed suicide before so i'm just gonna prepare myself it makes you feel more comfortable when the moment comes yeah you wish more people would have the foresight okay this is what we're gonna do

just like when i tried to fix my keurig k-cup coffee maker and every fucking stupid video out there well what you do is you attach an air compressor to it. If people did that with suicide, you can see which ones went horribly wrong or horribly right. Sometimes. Yeah. Sometimes I use it as a deterrent because then I'll think, you know,

that's, this is, this is how your family's going to have to fucking find you and remember you and different things like that. But this time it didn't turn out that way. It was really encouraging. At one point my wife was gone, and I was loading weapons. I was going to put them by windows all throughout my house,

and then call the cops on myself. Like say I had a hostage, something where they would come fucking armed and ready, and then just shoot the first person that got there, and then just have a big shootout i put the dog window to window yeah i was gonna rush so they wouldn't know where i was i could run for how many you were yeah exactly i put all the dogs in the backyard it was a it was a plan did you see that on a video or did you watch butch and sundance no isn't that i didn't i didn't see that on a video or watch that

that was i don't really know who i was when i came up with that plan because later on when i thought about it i was like that was me that was doing that earlier today i don't and but you actually were implementing your plan up until the phone call you had guns at the windows no no i was loading guns i think might have maybe what i think what might have i wasn't really myself at that moment but i'm pretty sure what might have stopped me was when i put the dogs in the backyard and the realization was that at some point when i'm shooting out the front they're gonna go to the backyard and the first thing they're gonna do is kill my dogs and i could well i couldn't really I didn't seem justified at that point.

It's weird, the humanity. Don't try to make me make sense of it. I know, right. Yeah. You have this entire plan laid out. I was going to shoot a human being that I don't know, several of them, hopefully, but I don't want anybody to shoot my human being that I don't know. Several of them, hopefully. But I don't want

anybody to shoot my dogs. In order to get killed yourself. Well, yeah, eventually that's the plan. But I want to try to get as many as possible first. A video game. I score. That's what it says on your tombstone. I score.

But I value my dog's life over people's i guess i don't i i think that might have on reflection i think that's what you know but what really stopped me was i was listening to that fucking song and holding a fucking gun laying in my bed and my wife comes back home i thought she's gonna be gone the whole day and she fucking walks back in and you're holding a gun i'm holding a gun to my head listening to hey man nice shot over and over again with the video of bud dwyer blowing his head off in a news conference and that's way worse than getting caught jacking off to porn well i'd much rather be caught jacking off i think well it depends on who well well when you're jacking off i think people don't come in and burst into fucking horrific tears and sobbing like oh my god

it's not a life derrick walked in on me jerking off one night and i fucking much rather i would have rather been holding a gun to my, believe me. But your wife, Jesus. Yeah, she's ready to lock me up. I probably should be, but I'm here. You get cocktails. Yeah. You should smoke some pot.

He comes in. Chad comes in and says, yeah, I'm off my meds. Well, I haven't smoked pot. That's the only med I'm on. I'm off it. That's this fucking sinus cold, too, because it makes you, you know, right. It hurts my throat and stuff to smoke. But then when I don't, I'm not right. I don't know.

Yeah, I'd take the throat pain if I were you. Yeah. I always. This fate pain, I guess. First time. You don't have a good poker face. I always tell when it's time for Chad to leave, and he knows it. I mean, not that I want you to leave, but that you're going,

I gotta leave. I got a full house. I only left early one time of the Super Bowl weekend, and that was at one in the morning. Wow. That was pretty good. That was a long fucking weekend badass it was it was really good incredible i have to go back and listen to that podcast too like you did i listened to it when i saw it came out i go oh that'll help me put together some of

what happened and immediately i started to listen and one of the first things you guys talked about was somebody finding half a viagra on the floor yeah and i'm fucking laughing my ass off because you i you're going i probably gave it to somebody that had half a chance of getting laid no you gave it to me so you wouldn't take it because you were gonna fuck that here i'll keep this you gave me a bad decision box of rubbers and a half of Viagra I had in my pocket before I went home at the end. Save me from myself. Before I went home at the end of the night, I was like,

oh, I can't go home with a box of rubbers and a half of Viagra in my pocket. That'll look bad. I'm holding it for a friend, honey. Yeah, yeah. I don't care what excuse I come up with. She ain't going to believe it. He's trying not to fuck someone. Listen, a hippie asked him to fuck her in the butt, and he's trying not to.

Nah. We did good on not making bad decisions. At least those one bad decisions that we're aware of. I have no idea how many other ones. I didn't hurt anybody. Cops are alive. I remember. Dogs are good. I remember at one point I didn't hurt anybody. Cops are alive. I remember. Dogs are good.

I remember at one point saying, I'm going to hate myself tomorrow anyway, but I don't have any charges pending. That was a fucking, I considered that a win. Yeah, it's great when you find small victories. So what do you do next jenny is good oh it's so nice to see her i remember her showing up and she just glows like a fucking sun yeah she's why i'm here i told her sorry it's it's a fucking catch-22 because being being alive means that each day i get to cause some sort of fucking unknown chaos for the people who care about me and if i died you know if i kill myself that means i get to cause them known fucking pain i don't know which to do it's fucking, but you do cause a lot of people joy.

And that's selfish of them to fucking rely on you. I'm not the best person to talk to. Yeah, you're not going to convince me because you're fucking full of shit. No, I'm saying. If you were to put this in a court of law, I would win. And the judge would be like, no, I was on your side. I'm saying the judge would definitely be like, you should totally kill yourself. I mean, you're fucking warping.

You have kids and you talk to them and give them advice. You shouldn't do that. You should definitely be dead. Nobody should have to put up with. Wait, your wife went to get coffee at starbucks and when she comes back you're laying in bed with a gun at your head i want to i want to say you're naked just so people have a picture that picture makes me sick i should do it with a santa hat on i don't know why that's weird remember i told you that i watch videos of other people who've committed suicide so i know what they i definitely don't want to

anybody to find me naked dead me dead is going to be an ugly clown makeup yeah you have to live clown makeup what the fuck i'm such a considerate suicidal person once the the VA asked me, do you have a plan for suicide? And I was like, well, I'm going to wrap my head in towels, and then I'm going to double garbage bag it and duct tape it and then lay in the bathtub and squeeze the gun up underneath and shoot myself in the head. That way nobody has to really clean up the mess. Whatever's there can be washed down the bathtub.

We might even be able to sell that as merch, like get that produced, like the head bag. It's got a porthole to put the gun in, but it's one way so no splashback. There's better ways to do it. One time I remember you asked me, you know, how would you do it? And I said, fucking shoot myself in the head, I guess.

And you're like, that's fucking really aggro. Do you know me? But they do have things, because I've researched, they have things called an exit bag where you can put, like, pump CO2 and they got thumb loops so that when your hands relax, it fucking tightens it around your neck. They sell exit bags. I'm sure we've brought it up or discussed it personally,

but I think it was in Vice where some guy had come up with a suicide roller coaster where the G-forces would get so much that you'd eventually die from it, but you'd just black out first, but you'd go on a thrill ride, which is... I'd be up for that. If there were any country to take over like white

people did to the United States where we could start our own fucking country, yeah, that would be the first thing I built was this suicide roller coaster on fucking doug stanhope fantasy island you have to sign multiple waivers there's no lawyers on doug stanhope fantasy island no need no need to write anything down down just go with the best of your memory oh yeah so i'm still here hanging out i don't know where to go that's all right well i gotta write bits after this

we just i just uh showed uh chad that nathan for you episode with the electronic store and the fucking layers of funny in that and just the weird turns it takes and i'm sitting here trying to write these fucking gags for this show and going ah i gotta really step it up I got to really step it up. As you watch that and you go, eh, all these, I got, what, 14 legal pads out for each different gag, and I got to get deep on these bits. I'm kind of looking forward, because I don't know,

you think that you've told me about most of these, but I don't think you have, and if you have, I don't fucking remember, so I'm looking forward to it. Yeah, I got five days, and I'm fucking producing this alone. Chaley's sick sick hennigan's not here so i'm doing i'm i'm the prop guy bingo's helping out a lot i uh she helped me uh make up the couch she just shows up all fucking wrecked too i don't know where her head is she said her head is hourly and yeah yeah we've talked a little bit she's yeah i told both of you just fucking don't kill yourself for a week can you just

one week don't nobody kills themselves so i can get this fucking pilot shot. When I first got here, I told you that my wife was thinking about locking me up right now, which probably is justified. And, uh, well, maybe you and Bingo can do a two-four. And I immediately thought you were talking about a dual suicide.

Not both of us sharing a room. I'm like, yeah, alright. I thought co-ed mental institution i gotta have one you'd start one tell you you're committed i think this is the hazard house now it's it's a mental institution it's all this milk in the fridge i gotta go it's really all about making news i mean if i took out a bunch of people i I'd make news. But if I took out Bingo and then me, I'd make news. Yeah, I guess I'd be upset if he didn't.

Like, Bingo, come on. Everyone knows Bingo, right? Everyone loves Chad on the podcast, right? Did you look at that animation in that email? Yeah. A fucking picture of you. I can't tweet that, but I want to.

That's a badass animation. You talk about fucking things not seeming real. It was a badass animation, but it's a drawing. even just it was it was badass animation is it but it's a drawing but it had me standing next to everybody in my life that i would be like that's a fucking somebody that i look up to i don't look up to very many people and then somebody drew a picture of me standing next to all the people that are fucking my heroes yeah fucking rogan and c louis ck and Bill Burr. Yeah, Mitch Hedberg, George Carlin. Yeah, all the people that I would look up to if I was. And that guy did research.

I met that guy briefly when I was in L.A. And I saw some clip on YouTube that Hennigan had and said, this is the guy that's doing the animation for the show. And I'm like, that's badass. And then when he sent those stills. Storyboard is badass. Yeah, storyboard. That's the word.

Yeah, it's badass. Yeah. But I feel the same way. I don't fucking belong in this. Yeah. Well, yeah, but you do, and I don't. So that's the difference. I get that we feel the same way, but the reality is still different.

No, no. I'll take it. Everyone in the world fucking... Yeah, after Andy was on that podcast, I remember him fucking killing. I don't remember what he's talking about, but he doesn't know what he's talking about when he's saying it. Andy killed me all fucking weekend. I was trying to just find out where he was to stand by him.

He's fucking. He is. But next time I want to do it at his house. So I don't always look over and he's wearing another outfit of mine. He fucking stole out of my closet. He was very well dressed all weekend. Sorry, I stole your Xanax. Like, where the fuck?

I thought I hid that. He's a fucking nightmare. He's a pig pen with a trail of fucking wreckage right behind him. A visible trail of wreckage in his wake. But he's the funniest fucking guy in the world to hang out with. wake but he's the funniest fucking guy in the world to hang out with i piecing together just small shit just uh that friday night show they they had gopros going but uh they had just come in i had just ordered them and they had just come in so shawnee tore them out well we're gonna use them tonight but they didn't read the directions so they have sound off the board but they don't have sound on the gopro so they're gonna have to sync that up and i don't know if anyone knows how to do that or we'll get around to it but i i tell you right now i don't fucking care because i was here

and you can't any reproduction of that would not be would not do it justice that was a fucking an amazing but i that's something if it if it looks good i would put small clips in the show just as interstitials cutting in between just 15 seconds of a memory i don't want to watch the whole thing and ruin it no absolutely well and then i got it was cool because i got to talk to people throughout the night after that so i got our perspective of it and then i talked to mishka shibali who fucking tells me when i fucking started my song and the entire room started to sing it back to me i didn't know if i could finish because i was about to fucking tear up and i was like that was us too though that was both sides like that was the first

act of the night and that's how it started absolutely and they have that that's especially what i want to get on tape man and then kenny when kenny was doing his thing when he was free flow rapping at the end of the night to close that amazing show which he was nervous about and i was a year well he was nervous about it as it was going he you know how am i gonna fucking close this this is spectacular and uh i was also nervous for him because i was thinking the same thing. I don't know, but I didn't tell him that. I'm like, yeah, you got this. When he fucking killed up there, when he was free flowing and at one point said something about, you know, you'll be moving these stools. And then you picked up on it and handed me a stool and I handed it out.

And the next thing you know, we handed out all of the stools in the room i forgot about that yeah and then so then everybody you know everybody got on their feet and was dancing and we handed them all out i didn't know this until later kenny told me that he had his eyes closed while he was doing that so he opened his eyes to see everybody was sitting to everybody on their feet fucking dancing. That's great. Oh, yeah, yeah. It was such a fucking great night. It was fun.

Yeah, I don't know how Saturday went because I was comparing it to Friday, and it just felt weird. I mean, you can't. I've never done a show that I had that much enthusiasm for. Yeah. But no one gave me shit about the Saturday show. Saturday show was fucking great, I thought. It could never be the same as what we did Friday,

and I was glad to be a part of it. Equivalent to trying to trip two nights in a row. Yeah, yeah. I just want to recreate last night. It was so good. I didn't get in a fight, though. I almost did. Oh, yeah.

Ollie, he's apologized to me. I don't think the guy did anything to make me want to kick his ass. I don't remember if he did. I don't remember. He argued with you about weed or growing weed or something. Something that it shouldn't have been. I shouldn't have responded the way I did. He's been every form of media trying to, like, you're good, you're good, you're fine.

No, I like Holly. Yeah, you walked him to bed. I did. That's right. I remember I told you, I'm a fucking diplomat. Just don't argue with chad it's that simple chad's a horrible human being who shouldn't be here don't argue with him we'll read his disability papers that loud you have to list like every reason that

i should have brought it so i could fill it out here with you you should have you can fill out could fill it out here with you. You should have. You can fill out bingos. You can fill out yours. See, the thing is, it's a... And this is what I had to tell my wife, because my wife is technically my caretaker. Like, they send me money.

Technically. They send me money, yeah, and actually. But they send me money, but they don't send it to me. They send it to her. All right. Because I'm not trust fund, baby. I've been deemed not competent enough to handle my own money, which is true. Another thing, which I kept telling her because I had to fill out this paperwork.

She has to fill out one paperwork, and then I have to fill out the same thing. But it's like a personality test. They ask the same questions over and over. They're trying to catch people who are manipulating the system or lying or whatever. So it's just the same questions over and over, which makes it worse because that's what I'm saying. How are you horrible? Page two. Tell us again how you're horrible.

Are you a burden on other people? Tell us again how you're a burden on other people. Yeah, forget about that. Now that you bring it up, I guess I am a burden on everybody. Yeah, I try to ignore it, but yeah, I should totally kill myself. You're right. It's so fucked. And when you came in and just started coming apart at the seams,

when you walked in the door, I go, oh, shit, he doesn't want to be here. I thought I told Bingo, hey, see if he's coming over. She said, yeah, he's trying. I go, trying isn't a good word. And when you walked in, I knew. And then you started emptying your bowels of your week and loading fucking guns. emptying your bowels of your week and loading fucking guns. And I go, you know why I'm a horrible person? Is because my first thought is we should be podcasting this.

Self-interest, here it comes. And I think that's why we get along well, because my grandma died on Tuesday, and Jenny thinks that all of this stems from that. And I just let her think it because it makes me seem like less of a horrible person. That's nothing to do with that. But,

uh, I, my first, uh, comedy central half hour special, I had to go back cause my dad was dying and I filmed in New York and then get the first Greyhound bus in the morning to Rhode Island. And I had a fucking horrible set and it filmed in new york and then get the first greyhound bus in the morning to rhode island and i had a fucking horrible set and it's in the it's in the book that i i could have used my dad

was dying as an excuse but my dad could have been fucking murdered backstage and i'd still be going uh is this segue work is Is this segue going to work? Seem too forced? I don't know. That's how I know I'm in good company. I just want to pause so I can cough up a fucking hideous phlegm. I'm trying to keep it off mic. You want to pause?

I don't know if it's because I've been smoking so much for this fucking two weeks of partying and writing. And I'm smoking these fucking whatever secret girlfriend Hennigan has down in Mexico. I don't know if we talked about it. Yeah, he's gone back and forth like four times over the last six weeks. But every time he comes back, he brings me a carton of duty-free Mexican Marlboro Lights. I don't know if it's like the shitty Mexican cigarettes probably counterfeit or if I have the fucking disease that's going around

the Super Bowl hangover sinus disease. Definitely something because I'm sick as fuck. All right. I'm going to hit the pause. Pause. Hey, Pop-Off Vodka. We haven't our long term, our longest sponsor. We haven't pitched Pop-Off Vodka for a while.

Hey, Pop-Off Vodka, people. pitched pop-off vodka for a while. Hey, pop-off vodka, people. It's a plastic jug so big you can crawl inside with all of your deepest fears and still fit comfortably. Pop-off vodka. Go down to the bottomless shelf of your local barred window retail liquor establishment in that part of town.

Get yourself a bottle of Pop-Pop Vodka. It makes you smile like you just got 500 surprise dollars in the mail. And now back to the podcast, already drinking Pop-Pop Vodka. Back on? We're back on. We had to drift away for a minute and make a sandwich. Fuck. Deathpool.

Scalia just died, we just found out, which is just a great day. I always want to just do one year just spite picks. Yeah. I don't think I would have picked him but if he crossed my mind i would have it's not someone i generally you know hate on a regular basis because he's only in the news every so often but yeah so i don't know how they fucking replace that guy anyway carlos fucking valencia oh that fucking prick Already has 270 points off three kills, and that's a lot of fucking points. That guy's a worker.

I wonder how many jokes he doesn't write because he's just determined to crush at Death Pool. I thought I liked him before, but I don't like him anymore. Fuck that guy. He's a good guy. Chad Shank, let's just fucking muster up some courage to end this thing some energy all right that i was sorely lacking i think this was a not energetic podcast it was a fucking great podcast i love this one i just uh we're gonna close it out with something so we'll just go to the old standby police beat.

I try to come up with a fake commercial, and I feel like I have zero imagination right now. Spending too much time fucking making lists of props. I need. I should have. This isn't the fucking how it's supposed to work. I'm supposed to just be the funny guy. I'm picking out my own outfits and I'm buying props. Well, let's read the police beat, Chad Shank, before you're in it.

Two male subjects were panhandling in front of the Bisbee Coffee Company for two days. Hmm, curious. Then what happened, Chad? In what may be an unrelated or may not be, an employee opening up the Bisbee Coffee Company found their newspapers all ripped up and what looked like cookies smeared on the windows. Ah, yeah, two days later.

That's what you get for hustling off the buskers. Is that what they call panhandlers in Bisbee? Yeah, looked like cookies. What wishful thinking. Yeah, and that shredded newspaper looked like toilet paper too, didn't it? What else you got out there in the

bad world of Busby? A male in long clothes with a stick was seen walking north on Naco Highway causing a traffic hazard. Wizard. Long clothes and a stick was seen walking north on Naco Highway causing a traffic hazard. Wizard. Long clothes and a stick. Sounds like it.

Casting spells. Fucking up the traffic. What else is going on, Chad? A caller stated he was playing in a band on Main Street where a subject sold his drum set without his permission. That's how you know you're out of the band. Sounds like a very Bisbee crime. Yeah.

He sold my drum set. What else? Just keep cranking out the hits. Three kids were on the wrong side of the guardrail on Highway 80 at Dart Road. The caller was concerned for their safety or that they would start throwing things at cars. I don't want these kids to get hurt, but these kids might deserve it either way. At least they tried to shroud their selfishness of their own windows and tried to couch it in some concern for children. If they're not up to no good.

Go ahead. A caller that was either highly intoxicated or ill wanted to speak to a deputy about his driving privileges. That might have been somebody trying to leave here this weekend. All right, to drive. i've wanted to ask cops like i've tried to do the right thing and stay till two after i hadn't drank since 11 and and had seen a cop and wanted to go hey can you just give me a breathalyzer ahead of time because i think i'm okay but i'm not sure but they wouldn't they're not there to help that much when when i leave here that's usually what i do is i'll lay down for a little while and then leave in the morning and i don't normally notice it until i

get home but once i get home i'll be like oh fuck i still shouldn't have been driving right now oh yeah wake up in the morning and you you i go to safeway and come back and go you know then 11 o'clock in the morning you go fuck i barely remember going to safeway that was kind of part of the blackout after six hours of sleep i just bought a breathalyzer online if i if anyone out there has a like a good brand this brand this is like one of the highest rated ones but I've had them before where you know they're probably wrong but they're consistent

so you can tell how drunk you are versus how drunk you were but the numbers one of us would be dead if we're all blowing. four something but you don't know so i get a new one we'll try this one out give it a shot i want to get a cop's breathalyzer how can you get one of those what about those ones they mount on the war walls of bars they used to do that yeah and then that can't be good for business go ahead the body of a very large bird was on the side of the road at the top of E Street.

The caller stated it looked like it could be a stork. Those are the ones I imagine the call. First of all, why would you call about a dead bird? But we've read weirder. But then I imagine them hysterical. It could be a stork. It might be a stork! There's no baby! That's what I was wondering. They think there's a baby

missing somewhere? This baby was undelivered! That's probably not far off from the truth. A homeless man threatened a Main Street business owner for having his vehicle towed. Well, that's why he's homeless, obviously.

He wasn't homeless. I slept in my car, man. Now I'm homeless because of you. You fuck. You're not homeless if you have a car, are you? No. No. The fucking hippies have a cave.

Then Andrew found a bigger cave for him and said, hey, I found a bigger cave. You can walk around in it. You don't have to stoop. And they go, it's too ratty. The cave they're in, the small cave, it's nice. But someone had lived in that cave, and it required too much work. It was a fixer-upper cave, so they declined the bigger cave, being hippies of no means. That's what's nice around here.

Everybody's always trying to help out other people. They are. Hey, I found you a bigger cave. Yeah. What do you got? A man who has a history of being asked to leave the area was crushing rocks with a mallet near the hospital. Who has a history of being asked to leave the area.

I don't know what to do with that one. I got nothing on that one. At what point don't they just stop? Don't they just use their names in Bisbee? Crazy Bill was crushing rocks with a mallet again by the hospital. I don't know. I've always wanted to put a gossip page in the Bisbee Observer, because they only have, what, 14 pages?

12? 12 pages. It should be a gossip page. You can talk shit. So-and-so is making eyes at such-and-such. The Elmo's at last call. This is romance afoot. Rumor has it somebody was handing out half a Viagra at the party.

At least I was prepared. You know, I'm new to this dating game. It's not working out. Good thing I got a day job. Is that it? That's it for the police beat? That's it. That's all right.

Low energy went to no energy. That's enough. I'm going to put on some music, and then we can eat potatoes and see if we can put your life back together, or maybe I just load your guns for you. I'd appreciate the help. Either way. Maybe Chaley can play Hey Man, Nice Shot by Filter at the end of this.

He can, but then it can get taken down. Oh, don't play that then. Yeah. Well, then listen to it on your own yeah and pretend that uh it's a take a second and go to the youtube version that has the uh bud dwyer along with filters nice shot and just enjoy feeling like chad for a day this is doug stanhope this is the doug stanhope podcast and we'll be back The highways are insane We take gin to protect us

But I'll see you in hell Before you see me in Lubbock, Texas. Well, I try to keep my head up. I try. Yeah, I try a lot. But I never seem to make it past the goddamn opening slots. Well, it's not a bad crowd for a Monday. But if you can't pay me, well, that's all right. Please just let me drink for free tonight. And Gideon's Bible knows the crisis comes when you're far from home. Out of Pensacola into New Orleans. Out of Illinois into misery.

Romantic comedy plays on TV. The words post-caption on the screen. Strange bar, strange town, my strange life I love you baby, I miss you baby, goodnight I learned all I could from the bad shows More than I need to know About truck stop bathrooms classic rock and right wing talk radio but i'll have one more picture of pbr on my credit card if you don't hear my telephone ringing it's the A&R

A&R A&R well I'm tired of waking up in a rest stop tired of sending you my love from the back of a van in a Taco Bell

parking lot And Gideon's Bible knows the crisis comes when you're far from home Out of Houston into New Orleans Out of Illinois into misery A Vietnam movie made for TV The words closed captioned on the screen Scream for a strange town My strange wife, I love you baby

I miss you baby, goodnight. And Giggins Bible knows the crisis comes when you're far from home. Out of Hattiesburg into New Orleans. Out of Illinois into misery.

A buddy cop will be made for TV. The words, closed caption on the screen Strange bar, strange town, my strange life I love you baby, I miss you baby, goodnight Strange bar, strange town, my strange life I love you baby, I miss you baby, goodnight I love you baby, I miss you baby, goodnight It's supposed to flash when it stops, he said. It's not.