The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #126: Pilot Wrap Party - pt. 1

Episode Date: February 25, 2016

You call this a wrap party? (pt. 1). Make stencil of GRETCHEN's signature and put it on some thrift store art. Post the pics on Doug's twitter or email.Recorded Feb.21, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Pat Morrison (@pattmlatimes), Radley Balko (@radleybalko), Josiah Osego (@Osego85), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Brett Erickson (@brettnotbrent), Gretchen (@gretchenbaer), Magghie O'Shea (@cavemagghie), Joe Mineau (@JoeMineau), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).LINKS -PAT MORRISON - @pattmlatimesRadley Balko - @radleybalkoJosiah Osego - @Osego85Magghie O'Shea - @cavemagghieJoe Mineau Jr. - @JoeMineauBrett Erickson - @brettnotbrenthttp://www.brettericksoncomedy.com/Gretchen Baer - @gretchenbaerZero Halliburton Suitcasehttp://zerohalliburton.com/Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on AmazonBrian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/"Brian O'Hennigan" song written and performed by Magghie O'Shea.Closing Song, "Don't Cut Ur Hair", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Bradley, what we're doing with this podcast... Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to... I should do this outside. Bingo! Let people outside know that we're podcasting. If they'd like to listen, they can come in here. And what I'm going to do is just slowly rotate, because so many people that are out here have been involved all week. I'm going to rotate people

in and out. Josiah's going to get the fuck out of here. I know Radley doesn't have to leave till late, so I'm going to chuck you out for a few minutes. I'm going to get you in and Chad Shank, and then we're going to rotate you back in as we go. We'll do an hour

of... I will try to stay awake for as long as possible. Well, there's a band upstairs. Go check out the band. Yes. Do you want me to get people in here now? Just tell people that we're podcasting. If they want to come in and listen, they're welcome to, but we have to shut the door for audio issues.

Give me a minute. So go grab a sandwich, and you'll be back in 10 minutes. Whatever's left, go through the fridge. Falco, you don't... Derek! This guy needs to eat something. Find him something to eat. If it ain't ready, make it.

If you can't make it, find someone who can make it. Chad Shank, you're on the mic. Chad Shank, you're on the mic. What's that? Chad Shank, you're on the mic. Who else? Who else? You want me on my regular mic? Pat?

Pat is on? Okay, we're going to put Pat in. Pat, I'm so afraid of fucking up your last name, but is it Morrison? Yeah. Okay, good. Well, my ex was named Morrison, so I didn't know if I was... My ex-father and his father were... Don't say it off, Mike. Eat the mic, Pat. Eat the mic, Pat.

Eat the mic. All the cab drivers in Paris wanted to know, so that's what I came up with. Don't whisper. Hang on, there's a domestic situation going on right here. What's going on? Just discussing. Ma'am, is this man bothering you?

Nah, we're just... We're getting right. We're getting right. Bring the b. Ma'am, is this man bothering you? Nah, we're just getting right. Getting right. Bring the bouncer to the relationship, huh? Is this girl bothering you? We literally just wrapped the pilot filming for the last four days we've been filming here. We had to do a bar scene here that I thought would be as easy as podcasting. No, it was the Star Wars bar scene.

That's what I want it to be. I've described the pilot in Hollywood terms that they wouldn't understand because they're dated references, but it's Kentucky Fried Movie if it were live hosted from the bar in Fear and Loathing. But when you film shit, it's so fake and stiff and you have to hit beats. And we'd try to get into conversations

like this and then you're like, we're out of battery. Yeah, we got 15 minutes. We got to download it. And then there were good conversations. They just went off topic. So they weren't what you were trying to get. Exactly. And we're going to have to, I'm new to this, so I'm going to have to figure out how we make this work.

Yes, you take the outtakes that they don't want for the actual thing and put them in the podcast. Or you film for three hours, that's what we talked about. Well, we'll just film like two, three hours of us bullshitting and I'll hit my beats to get out to the bits. Yeah, I don't think you got to worry that much because it's the skits that make the point, you know, and kind of have the humor go about it.

And so in between, man, it was... But I want... When we were filming for three hours, two hours of that was them, the chip is full, we get to download the thing into a thing and just sit there. Welcome to Hollywood.

Wah, wah, wah. I didn't move to Bisbee to make it big, lady. Bisbee came to you. No, we went to Bisbee. Hello. Yeah, I am doing it. Pat Morrison was one of our two guests we had come in. Radley Balco, who will be on later, but he's shit-faced,

and he won't finish his sentence, so I threw him out. I put you in. Josiah Asego is here. Did I say it right? Yeah, you got it right. Asego, okay. He's one of my favorite comics. The Tucson crew have come down, and except for that one douchebag,

have always been, the Tucson comics have always been so fucking cool. And I had to call you and go, and then I texted you, and I go, maybe I have the wrong number. Are you getting these? And by the time you get back to me, I went, sorry, honestly, I just needed a token black guy, but we already got him. But I really want you to be on the show because you're funny, and we'll find another place to use you.

And we tried to get you into the conversation at the bar. So you texted the wrong funny black guy? No, no, no, no, no. I didn't respond quick enough because I don't answer to numbers that I don't recognize. And so it's kind of embarrassing. Got a new phone, lost Doug's number. So when he texted me, I was like, I don't answer to numbers that I don't recognize. It's kind of embarrassing. Got a new phone, lost Doug's number. When he texted me, I was like, I don't know nobody.

And Callie, nope. He told me he needed a token black guy and I felt bad because he had to reach as far out as Tucson. The dregs. I figured I'd help. If it helps you know why, we went shooting today for one of the shots

where we shot watermelons, and Shawnee wanted to leave the leftover watermelons at the shooting range for somebody else. What kind of a black guy are you, man? You've met Shawnee. He's progressive. He is technically a partially

black man. You would call him a black man, but to play a black guy, no. No, not at all. That's why we had to reach out to Tucson, because our black people are too white. He's like, we don't have anybody with dreads out here. We need somebody with dreads and some bass in their voice. And he hates being on camera, which I also hate being on camera, but you don't tell Johnny Depp that

when he's saying, hey, I want you to do a TV show. Yeah. Did we see mostly the back of your head, though? I have no idea what we saw. Okay, we'll have to look at the dailies and see which side of you we got. I'm sure it's all my fucking bald spot. Is that what you're saying? I didn't want to put it in those words, but okay.

Well, they had two different angles, so I'm sure. That's true. It's going to turn out good, man. Listen to how much more natural this sounds. So couldn't they just film it and then overdub just us bullshitting later on a podcast? It's the cameras that fuck you up. Have it look like a Kung Fu film? Just have us lip in and words coming out. And it's not just the cameras.

They're giant tripods just to get to the bar. You're doing some kind of fucking balancing act? Contortionist? Lights that are 800 degrees? We live like that in L.A. all the time. I don't know what the big deal is. Now, you do a podcast. I do a podcast.

I do a podcast for my column. I do radio. I do television. So this is my life. I practically carry my own lighting around with me, right? If nothing else, I have a flashlight under my chin. It's underneath your hat. It's all underneath your hat. It's all

lighted inside the brim of my hat. On your Wikipedia page, it says she will not go out in public without a hat that matches her outfit. Or a hat pin because, you know, L.A.'s a tough city. I gotta have my own, like, defense. I'm fond of the leisure suit, so I can't be a douche.

No, well, I've had to use my hat pin on occasion against paparazzi and mayoral candidates. So, politicians, beware. Name names. No, he's dead. It would be cruel. I did not kill him, though. Oh, I was going to say, that's a badass hat pin. It would be cruel.

I did not kill him, though. I was going to say, that's a badass hat, man. You notice you guys all step back a little ways when I say that. Josiah came down. He's going to work. He's got a girlfriend that lives four hours away that's been waiting for this filming to end. And she's like, oh, thank God it's over. Wait, honey, we're going to podcast. That's like oh thank god it's over wait honey we're gonna podcast that's what love is man so she's sitting back uh i just like i said we're gonna drive we're

gonna make it and i i'm fucking the funniest man at tucson i just want to say thank you for putting us on uh so shout out to natalie bush uh hates being on camera, but she could tap dance. And she's holding it down. So I could be here. Bradley pulled me aside. And Bradley has been drinking. How much of that bullet did he drink? Three quarters? That's why he wouldn't let me interrupt him.

Because he was on his bus. Yeah, his sentences didn't end. But when we brought up one beat, holy shit, he almost drank a full bottle of bullets. Is there a Guinness Book of Records for something like this? I don't know. But Radley and I have gotten drunk together. And he recovers. That's what he's doing right now, recovering?

There was one beat that he felt was racist uh one of the field pieces we did uh that he should have we should have josiah he wanted to talk to him and then he's trying to feed you your opinion that you should have it's wrong for three white people to talk about whatever the gag was that I won't get into. I think Josiah should, and then he Here's what you should say. Or at least ask this question. It's like laundering you. Whitewashing you in a way, right?

If this is your opinion. Yeah. And left that open. But he didn't ever leave breath for you to give an opinion. Yeah, it was, I mean, it was it is what it is. And he, his motives were good, though. So I'm not worried about it. It was just ironic, yeah.

He put you in an unfunny place. You couldn't do bits at that point. You had to, like, defend your entire fucking race. The cameras seemed a lot more comfortable when that happened. But I mean, that's, I mean, he had good intentions. And he's more than three-fourths through a bullet. So can't really be mad at him.

That man's a diplomat. Josiah works in rehab. That's what he does. After he got out of his own personal fucking crisis in an early age, now you actually do rehab. So the little tiny moments you consider it, I always think, oh, Josiah, that'd be cool. If I had to go to rehab, I'd go with Josiah.

You're a generous-spirited guy. Oh, yeah, just a glorified babysitter. That's pretty much it. I put grown folks. Twelve-step babysitter? What was that? Twelve-step babysitter? Kind of.

I put grown folks in timeout Babysitter? What was that? Twelve Step Babysitter? Kind of. I put grown folks in time out. That's pretty much it. And help them, you know, while they're not doing drugs, help them try to find that emotional pain and process it. That's good of you. How often do you get on stage? Right now, about two to three times a week. We had some of the mics shut down.

But when I go up to Phoenix, there's some book shows, and they're kind enough to let me on. I'm still getting my time in, still keeping the teeth as sharp as possible. You don't have kids, right? Nah.

My lady has one, and she kind of keeps me busy, so we're going. I know how funny you are, and my lady has one and she kind of keeps me busy. So we're going, I, I, I knew cause I know how funny you are. And just like Brett Erickson, who will be on the podcast, we'll rotate out in a minute. There was,

he was stuck in Peoria because he had kids in a bad situation with, you know, uh, is it good? Sorry. I want to say, I don't want to be, yeah.

He had to wait till his kids turned 18 to get out and go on the road. And I'm like, why is this fucking Josiah not on the road? There's got to be something. Oh, okay. So I'm going to school right now. And so I got a few irons in the fire. And I want to finish school before I can get fully committed because, like I said, I'm a heroin addict. And before that, I was really good at messing things up in my life.

For the record, for my stupid fucking listeners, he was a heroin addict. He's saying it in the AA way of, I'm always an addict. He's not doing heroin right now or we wouldn't be here. Yeah, so I mean, I just... Yeah, we'd be doing heroin. Yes. With Josiah. I did heroin with a black guy.

Does that give me street cred? Yes, because he's not a crackhead. So, but you know, like I just feel I'm good at messing things up. So I need to have a plan B you know, before I commit to something. And that is something right now with the level that I've been doing, I feel

it's going good. I mean, I'm here at Doug Stanhope's house doing a podcast, so that is something I'd like to focus on. So, I mean, it's not the kids. Jesus, I forgot this, Radley. The first time I was playing Tucson for a benefit show

and I decided because there's a lot of, I don't know the Tucson comics because I suck at supporting the scene because it's two hours away and I decided, because there's a lot of, I don't know the Tucson comics, because I suck at supporting the scene, because it's two hours away and I drink. So instead of hiring a couple of local openers, I go, I'm going to do Tucson's funniest comic. Everyone does, was it one minute? One minute.

Bullshit competition. So I got 10 guys, I put it out there, I got 10 guys. Yeah, completely bullshit rigged. I put it out there. I got 10 guys. Yeah, completely bullshit rigged. I advertised it as that. Rigged competition based on nothing you'll be aware of.

And then I had 10 guys and then Josiah emailed. Like a day late, I think. And I go, well, you're a day late, but you're the only black guy, so I'll make it 11. So there is black privilege, too. I don't want to look like a dick.

I'm sure that makes up for everything. Well, yes. We're even. Okay, the actions speak louder than words. If he was like, we don't have a black guy, but you're a day late, sorry. But he was like, you're a day late. We need a black guy. So come on.

So the actions is what spoke for us. And this came from conversation that we couldn't air on the TV show because it was not the point. But you were talking about you're a clever guy. You know how to get around bullshit in the system. Yeah. talking about you're a clever guy. You know how to get around bullshit in the system. How often do you use black privilege as a tool where you go, ah, that guy.

Is that like saying female privilege, like, officer, I'll give you a blowjob if you let me off? Come on. Black privilege is I can run faster than most cops, so I'm going to run. Oh, see? When you can find white guilt and use it as leverage, just like as a beautiful woman, you can use that leverage

and don't act like you never did. Don't want to go there. Exactly, because you'd be wrong. Because then it's like saying, how did I get this? I got it on the cheap. I got it on the sly. And it's not really real. It's not really something I deserve.

First of all, you keep saying, that's how we do it in LA. In LA, that's what it is, is using whatever manipulation you can to get ahead. I'm not saying suck a guy's dick or fucking pick cotton for that matter. However base you want to drop this stereotype but you're like well no no i mean okay so with with to address that black privilege white privilege whatever uh because i like the point that you brought up i think it's up to the individual to realize how they got to a certain level now there's there's people who do do it on the cheap.

You know, for instance, there's comics that steal all the jokes, right? The thing is, is like, yeah, they might get to a certain position, but the downside is, is their comedy depends on other people writing jokes. So once they're either found out or that person stops hitting, they have nothing. And it always just takes some time. So, I mean, that's why I have this lighthearted way where, you know, the racist stuff doesn't bug me. You know, nowadays, you know, racism is not what it was.

And I think that's where the shitty forms come out. I was going to Chad on this because Chad and I, we have nothing to blame it on. But we always think everybody hates us, at least for part of the day. Well, it's because we really know us. but he hates us at least for part of the day. Well, it's because we really know us. And we think we're fooling everyone for part of the day and wake up going, they know. They know.

Earlier I told Erickson, you guys were talking about the definition of smarmy. I had to look it up, and I was like, oh, now I know what smarmy means. I'm smarmy, but I'm really good at it because most people don't realize it. Here's to you. So that's, but do you use, I mean, is there such a thing to use?

I'll use white privilege to an advantage. It's all not running from cops and giving blowjobs. There's a lot of gray area. Chad's very physically intimidating to look at. Fat. But you can tell he's a mean dude, and of course he's going to use that to his advantage. Right.

But I'm not going to, you know, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. At the same time, I'm not going to work on the other side of it and sort of play the white privilege card, too. I'm not going to say, wow, officer, you know, I'm smuggling heroin and 16 illegal immigrants in the trunk, so you better look there

because I'm white, you're going to let me go, right? So you want to earn everything on the merits, whether it's racial, whether it's gender related, you want it on the merits. So you want to put that stuff

off the table as much as possible, right? And I believe that's the individual's responsibility. You're coming in next, Radley. I'll let you come in next, but I'm going to give you a word count. We get an equal time. Why didn't you do that earlier?

Separate but equal. Did someone show him that bottle so he understands? Yeah. Did you see what you did to that bottle of bullet? Yeah, I did. I think he's lying. Jesus, I gave away my last bottle. I just had to walk him to the bathroom.

Mark the liquor bottles so they know who's drunk how much. So the Downton Abbey butler is keeping an eye on you. I would make these same arguments if I was sober, to be honest. You know what? You're sacrosanct. I'm going to let you go, Josiah, because you've got to go.

I'm going to get people in that have been part of this shoot. Anyone who has a fond memory, keep going. It's a podcast. We can fuck this up. It's not filming. Doug, I just want to say thank you before I go, man. Everybody, it was nice meeting you. They're going to stilt up the podcast.

He just stopped the podcast to tell us to not stop the podcast because they're filming us from afar. It's so meta. It's called irony. It's called having a production crew that is a town of your friends

that don't do production, that do not act, that came together, acted, and produced, and PA'd, and everything. Josiah's out. He's got to get his lady to teach school. He's got to babysit heroin addicts. Thank you. Josiah, is that your Twitter handle? Osego85. Osego, that's O-S-E-G-O. Hang on. Osego, is that your Twitter handle? Osego 85.

Osego, that's O-S-E-G-O. Hang on. Osego 85. Say it one more time. O-S-E-G-O 85. At. On Twitter. And follow him on Twitter. Do I follow you on Twitter?

Yes, you do. Good. Thank God. I feel like a dick. Take care, Josiah. Good to see you, man. See you, man. Take care. Be care, Josiah. Good to see you, man. See you, man. Take care.

Be safe, man. Oh, yeah, we have a, they're filming a band. Do we know the name of the band? Shade. Shade is the name of the band. We went to dinner one of the nights at the only really nice restaurant in Bisbee, the Cafe Roca. And they had a jazz trio playing in basically a cloakroom.

And then Sam, the production guy, two live crew, says, hey, can we hire them to play on the roof? And they got here like four hours ago. The fucking production never goes on time. And as much as those guys talk shit about, yeah, we've been working with Johnny for fucking 25, 30 years,

then you should know how long this shit takes. No, there's time, time, and there's Hollywood time. I know, and you should know, if you hire a fucking, we don't even know these guys. They've been sitting out on the fucking patio for four hours and I feel like a dick it's so hard

to get over the hosting skills like I'm not on stage when I'm a stand up comic I'm a fucking asshole and I can be that and I own it but when you mix that with this anyway enough of this.

It's your house. You have to be the host. You're responsible, right? I know, but even when I'm filming, I'm thinking, oh shit, do they need a sandwich? What's with you and the goddamn sandwiches? Did you eat a sandwich, Radley? Chaley, cut out all the stuff of Stanhope being nice. Yeah.

So, Radley Balko. May I say something? Yes. Radley Balko, everybody. Not until he's gone. Because whatever you say, she wants your seat. That's Gretchen now. Gretchen has done all the artwork on this.

Gretchen. Gretchen Bear. May I say how cool Gretchen looks that's exactly why I wanted to speak I just wanted to say whoever you are you're so fabulous thank you that everything about her

is just seeing is believing same to you I love the Elvis jeweled pants the coat, the Chinese coat, the whole thing, the kind of pirate leather red jacket. You look fabulous. Thank you. And you've got on

ballerina slippers that are studded. Yeah, so don't mess with my feet, right? Black people are dying and you're talking about shoes! Yeah. Anyway, I hope I am successful. And the hat. about shoes. Yeah. Anyway, I hope I am successful. And the hat.

Well, thank you. Anyway. Bring Radley back. And your own. Right back to you. Anyway, so, and I'm sitting at this mic now. I thought I'd point that part out. So now you've got the mic.

Gretchen is a fantastic artist. If you follow my Twitter feed, you know her art. Fantastic artist. If you follow my Twitter feed, you know her art. She has a whole studio just devoted to paintings of bingo, I think. That's true. Here, from earlier, Maggie with Word and Edgewise. Did you want to talk, Maggie? Did you have anything else to say?

I thought... I was kind of done making my point, but, you know... Maggie has... No, no, I was making sure you were done with your point because I had to deal with the fucking business people and trying to wrap people up and get flights arranged. But just so you know, Maggie has been one of the most helpful and wonderful and open to any fucked up thing we wanted her to do.

People that have been involved in this entire project and it couldn't have happened without you. You are fucking amazing. Thank you. Maggie and Joe. Joe, Joe. Not so much. Maggie though. Maggie.

No, Joe. Fucking also great. I appreciate that. Yeah, really fantastic. Melissa, you want to come co-host for me? You make this all cheeky. I'm getting the stink finger. That's what we'll do.

We'll take a break. We're going to take a break. Let's re-cocktail, reconfigure, and make sure all is going well. Hey, we've talked to you before about audible.com, but are you one of those hipster douchebags who doesn't really count audible books as reading? Well, you know what? I have the bookstore for you right here in Farmington, Maine,

Twice Old Tales. Come on down to Twice Old Tales. You can get all sorts of... We have over 180 titles that you can come down and read. And they've been read before, so you know that they're good because someone read them and bought them and then they gave them to us because nobody really reads books. But if you still like a clunky bookshelf, Twice Old Tales right here in Farmington, Maine at 155 Main Street. Give us a call. Find out our hours.

We're at 207-778-4411. Hey, what was that number again, Doug? 207-778-4411. We're at Twice Sold Tales in Farmington, just somewhere a long way from Bangor. Enjoy your book. Now back to the podcast already failing. To the rule, the rule, I, to the rule, I, there never was an Irishman like old Brian O'Hanigan. He was a pratee farmer from Kilkenny countryside, and he was forced out of his home cause it was gentrified.

He hadn't any pratees and he hadn't any meat, next thing you know O'Hanigan was dying in the street. Tulurula, tulurula, next thing you know O'Hanigan was surely bound to die. to the ruler I next thing you know Hennegan was surely bound to die oh Hennegan was miserable and shifty

I didn't mean until he had his first kiss with a bottle of patchine never in his life had Brian cracked an open smile he drank it all

in merriment until he threw up bile to the ruler ruler to the ruler Hennegan there never was an Irishman like that Brian or Hennegan

the rich man took his farm and food and heard his Irish pride Tula rula rannigan, there never was an Irishman like that Brian O'Hanigan. The rich man took his farming food and heard his Irish pride. He woke up with a pool of puke and piss right by his side. No skills but pretty farming, his choice of jobs was limited. He said, oh, I'll just drink patchy, my death is soon and imminent. Tula rula rula, tula rula rai, that I That Brianna Hannigan is surely bound to die Maggie O'Shea. Did you hear that the first time, Chad? Or are you still dealing with...

Oh, geez. You know what? For a show to go that well and to have the fucking rap party, it's not an official rap party, but the end, you're supposed to be celebrating, not talking your friend off a fucking fence. The atmosphere is meant to be ebullient and joyful.

Bullient. Yeah. Well, you know what? It happens here. Yeah. And sometimes you know what? It happens here. Yeah. And sometimes you drink way too much, way too quick. And we won't air that part because, yeah, sometimes we wait a day and think about,

let everyone that was drunk. Oh shit. I shouldn't have said that name. And can you edit that out? Well, that we just edited out like 40 minutes of run on sentence of a good, good friend. And we won't air it. Yeah.

It's just, I was telling him, I go to no, to no audience. I was telling him, to no audience, I was telling him, this is why, even as libertarian as I might be, I appreciate Last Call because it herds people into drinking at the same level. Because even drunks don't want to be around drunks until they're drunk too. He just got drunk faster than everyone and thought everyone was attacking him.

And like, just say, settle down, wait. Quiet. We'll be like you soon. So now that he's finally got a ride, hey, there's six, seven, eight people left from the wrap party that would have been if I wasn't talking down a friend in the goddamn kitchen

with a repetitive sentence. Tracy, Brian Hennigan, Brett Erickson, Maggie O'Shea, Chad Shank, Chaley, and Homeless Joe. We'll come up with good ones. Woo! And Chompy. And Chompy.

Chompy. The two live crew are packing up their shitloads of gear, and they'll be in to have a cocktail afterwards and still have to leave at 6 in the morning. Yeah, 6 in the morning. That doesn't seem like it can actually happen, right? Everyone who sent porn uh it's it's being paid forward we needed porn for uh one of the the gags we were pulling for the show and there's no porn in this county there's not a smut shop if we had a budget and we don't for the presentation pilot.

So I asked the killer termites, the fan base, hey, get that broken dildo out from between your mattress and box spring. We need anything. We just need props for this gag. And it's yes, if you listen to the podcast, it was kind of based on that cruise ship thing, but in a different direction altogether. And so we get. Go ahead. I was going to say, I mean, we did try to get other porn. I went to the premier porn outlet in L.A., the Pleasure Chest near our homes.

And it was incredibly lukewarm even by my own milk toast standards. Yeah, we can't just use edible panties. And it's expensive. He said a giant dildo there was like 80 bucks. The only preposterously

oversized dildo was 80 fucking bucks. And I was like, we don't have that type of coin. But we definitely do need preposterously oversized dildos. Unlike every other prop that we could find, they don't have them in thrift stores. You don't get a big rubber fist. Yeah, because everyone here in Bisbee has purchased them to use them to hold up a corner of their couch. You know, I bet that secondhand dildo stores would actually do really well considering the prices these days.

I wouldn't doubt it. here is so much, even you, a homeless girl who gets access to running water in monsoon season only. We're weirded out about touching something or maybe it was you picking up, I don't know, a dildo or some weird thing.

Well, you're not going to want something inside because you don't... See, it's only an issue if it has shit on it. That's the thing. See, it's only an issue if it has shit on it. That's the thing. Just eat the mic. You don't know what the person before you has or had, like where it's been.

And I know what you don't have, bleach. True that. I had rubbing alcohol in my purse for a while, but one of my friends who's a train hopper drank it. Cocktails. I bet that we might be down to that at the bar after this last five days of all the alcohol we've gone through with crew and people.

We might be down to rubbing alcohol by the end of this podcast. Do caucus cocktails. But we got enough. We got a shitload of porn. I can't thank everyone because I was really fucking busy and other people were opening packages

when I was doing this one. I know Wild Eye Releasing sent eight DVDs of porn. That's the one I actually opened myself. There's other people to thank. We've got, god damn it. Don't pass over the fact that those are actual movies. It's not Gonzo footage.

This first one is called, which is a coincidence, The Disco Exorcist. Yeah, they're all themed porno movies. That was my rap name in the 90s. I didn't look at these. This is just the one I remembered to put back here so I could thank at least someone. And there's a beautiful transsexual that tweeted me immediately

and I'm sure she sent some stuff because I told Kenny, open any packages because I'm going to go scout the location, bullshit this and that. And he goes, I was waiting for something from Amazon for something else. And he opened it. He goes, yes, it's just porn.

And he said it with like a question mark, like it was porn he didn't want to look at. So that's probably the transsexual. And I don't have your name. And eventually I'll find all the thank yous. I won't, but I'll try. I'll feel bad I didn't thank everyone. So for our wrap party, since this one was a little sullied.

Well, it's Sunday night. People have shit to do. We had a bunch of people come down to fill up the bar, but we never got to that part. We had a bunch of people come down to fill up the bar, but we never got to that part. And so I walked out and then some people are drunker than others. And the crew has to leave at six in the morning and they're packing 18 tons. So we're going to have a wrap party probably tomorrow afternoon. And it's going to be porn and mimosas. And everyone who gave me an old broken dildo is going to get

three brand new dildos back and all this porn is going to be spread out to the bisbee community that does not have a smut shop and it's going to be like replenishing the earth of a porn-free community we had so much fucking porn that every maybe we we go house to house. You're like Dougie dildo seed. You just travel around Bisbee, tossing out dildos and porn. Fucking, there's a free store, the Brewery Gulch free store. You should leave all of it there.

Oh my God, that's a good idea. Not all of it. No, I got to repay some dildos. All right, fair enough. And I got you your emerald studded butt plug. I got that just for you. It's red. I don't know what a fucking...

I don't know one from another. It's got a nice jewel on the end of it. Yeah, yeah. It's a nice butt plug. Hennigan found that. No, not that end. The other end. I beg your pardon.

Hennigan found... Because he was trying every cheap way to try to get porn for this smut toys or magazines or any old weird uh but you found amazon actually sells porn yes but you yes i mean it's interesting because i i'd been to a couple of the uh you know the sex stores in la and it's like, holy fuck, this is expensive. And wait, why doesn't the norm of consumerism work in this area? Why can't I just get it cheap on Amazon? So I went home and sure enough, Amazon has a sort of secret site within Amazon that if

you Google things like butt plugs and sore things up my ass, then sure enough, sure enough, you're led to this labyrinth maze to Amazon sex store. And you sent me there. I sent you there. Probably like you. I started like, well, that's cheap. And then, well, let me see customer reviews. I go, I can't do this for, I need like

80 pieces of smut. I needed an avalanche of dildos, magazines, DVDs, anything that was, and it had to be, work well on camera, and I don't have time to do this. Let me just beg the killer termites to send old filthy porn, but it worked out.

Didn't you get something from Angelina Jolie? I saw that and I know it was $2.99. Free shipping. Get ready. But she had already mentioned a butt plug. I'm not going to

tilt anything, but she had already mentioned, well, maybe if we had a butt plug for that gag and so I go you know what Maggie O'Shea is worth $2.99 and she should have expensive jewelry in her butthole some people would go up to $3.99

super Shawnee's here you don't want to talk to you alright Sam super Shawnee's here. Uh, you don't want to talk to you. Yeah. All right. Uh, Sam, you good?

I'm good. Get up. Come on, Sam. Come over here. Get him a strong drink. Who's driving them on. No,

I got to drive first. All right. We're taking a quick break. Cause, uh, the two live crew has to, uh, uh, uh,

get the fuck out of here and we're going to say goodbye. Be right back. Hi, I'm Tootie from the Facts of Life, and you're listening to the Doug Stadwell Podcast. You know how people say that their pets are like their children? We're live! Maggie's talking! It's chilly recording. It doesn't matter that Maggie's talking. It's always recording.

She doesn't drink. They don't drink. I'll take a drink if you're forcing it on me and it's decent. I just grabbed a bottle of Jameson because it's easier at this hour. This is for me. I know.

Alright, smash up. Well, Maggie had something to say but the tinkling of ice I love in the podcast, but the smashing of Brett Erickson and Chad Shank still gacked up on Adderall is not as soothing or romantic. The fucking ice, What are we drinking? Nor was it intended to be so.

See? Function over form. Chad Shank and Brett Erickson don't need mics because they have Because no one wants to listen to them. See how many tweets you get agreeing with that. Hey, doesn't Twitter have a poll function?

Put up a poll. Let's see. Remember a second ago when you asked me for a drink, nicely made? Yeah. Where is it? Yeah. Where is it? That's an existential question for yourself, my friend.

That's an existential question for yourself, my friend. Hennigan actually rocked it last night when we were doing that show where I was so fucked in everything I was trying to focus on that I saw him side stage with a notepad and my brain immediately goes to he's next because we had a various lineup of last minute people. I'll go up. Funhouse

show in the funhouse. You're in the funhouse and I said are you going up next? He goes no I'm taking notes for production but it put it in his head so then he spent 10 minutes until Maggie was done on stage

and then went up and just roasted everybody that had been up and it was fucking brilliant yeah it was thank you very much and as Chad Shank said I didn't realize Hennigan was so funny I didn't realize he was a

hateful dick and once you just embrace it, super funny actually I did realize he was a hateful dick. And once you just embrace it, super funny. Actually, I did realize he was a hateful dick. It was just the first time I heard him voice it out loud. He was usually just stewing about it, like, I can't believe I'm around all these fucking people. I saw him smiling a couple of times where he tried to hide it when I caught him. Can I poorly recreate one of Brian Hennigan's hilarious jokes?

He said to the nice Fiona and Brett that we invited you here because you're so good looking because we wanted to look at some people who this show will be marketed to, people with round, symmetrical faces, not like the fucking mutants that live here. This was on stage. Yes.

Hennegan just trashing the audience. It was so great. But Brian and I, when we had to stage the bar for the show, we can jam when we've done actual fun shows just for fun, not filming. We can jam 35 people in here comfortably, but it's not good for filming.

It's standing and then seated and then seated lower. So for this, Hennigan's trying to go through. I had to make a list of every single person I could ever remember ever meeting in this town for this shoot. And we're going ugly to good looking. Because he, well, no, we need to sell this show. And I'm like, fucking ugly people are more fun.

Yes, but there's good ugly and bad ugly. Well, that's what we, there's fun ugly. There's ugly i like there's sopranos ugly and there's ugly ugly exactly i want ralphie may fat not uh john goodman slim down fat uh so yeah so fat. So we did kind of a back and forth. It was almost like picking kids for kickball. But in reverse. I'm not going to name names,

but I'm like, okay, yeah, those girls are hot. Bisbee hot. But there's other girls that I've seen at shows that I've hosted where I go, I look at them when I'm on stage just hosting. And I feel like I've never been funny in my life the way they're staring at me. They're not bad people.

They're just not good laughers. So if we're going to have a show, they're not the ones we're going to pick just because they're pretty. They're not going to get it. No. It was a nice back and forth where we had trade rounds like Death Pool. And I ended up with three people

and then said, that's it. That's all I've got. Well, what we ended up with... Man, I ended up outside. The fuck? That's where you're comfortable. The pool or the lake? You were lucky to be outside. You mean those rusty stanchions? Don't you think I don't know it, sir?

Anyway, it all went down rather well. It went down rather well. We're going to try to start a real after party tomorrow oh sorry I stole your ashtray Joe but there was one beat that fell into a part we had to cut out of this that was

Erickson this was your idea oh fucking Shawnee even left Gretchen Bear they had a, they, they had a brief bonding moment with Gretchen and Pat Morrison, who is our guest on the show. And I hadn't heard this dad,

but Gretchen bear. It was Shaley's joke. Not mine. Oh, it was Shaley. Yes. Either way. If you follow my Twitter,

Gretchen bear paints a lot of pictures of a lot of shit but a lot of bingo she could fill a warehouse of murals she's painted of bingo and photographs they're beautiful and they're all beautiful every one of them is amazing they go out for full photo shoots just because they she they like to do that right and you've heard about super shawnee before and they're married they're the couple yes amazing shawnee and gretchen yes so a couple still that are sleeping together so so buying the same house with plumbing so so going to the thrift store in Warren, the Your Thrift Store, which is really brilliantly titled.

It's universal. It's all embracing. Yeah, because you know what? No matter who you are, you're not your. You're always your. When I first moved here, there was also a shitty little shitty diner where the woman's breastfeeding her kid smoking a cigarette

while she's flipping your eggs it's closed but you can smoke in there and it was the first place and that was called our place and it was your thrift store and our place and I was confused is it my place or your place or your thrift store

go ahead our thrift store in your place. And then you'd go back to your own house that was called My Regret. Yeah, so we're at your thrift store to buy stuff for the thing we're doing. And just to drag

this out so it's a lengthy enough closer, Brian Hennigan, this thrift store is so cheap that Brian Hennigan, this thrift store is so cheap that Brian Hennigan has come back and shown regret for how bad he beat them. This is an American Tourister or whatever kind of luggage. I would never buy an American Tourister. The point is, how dare you?

You wouldn't find a brand name. Doug, you're over the line. I found a zero Halliburton suitcase. Okay. What? For how much? $7.

How well does that name brand play with the listening audience? They've heard of a fucking American tourster. The people who need to know, no. That's an impressive thing. I don't like the listening audience. Why do I care? Oh, this is great.

Way to relate to people who pack in garbage bags. This is a great podcast beat. I found a hefty 39-gallon at the airport. Great podcast beat for five-star travelers who are looking for thrift store advice. Thanks, Brian. Thank you very much. Back to...

So we're at your thrift store, Shaley and I, along with our bartender, Tracy. And three of us are buying things for this. And we were walking down the hallway and we see this terrible cowboy painting. It's like maybe a foot and a half by a foot.

I don't know. The paint is slapped on there. It's put on with a trowel. Is it a painting of a cowboy? It's just western-y. You're just being racist. Yes, I'm being racist about cowboys. it's it's like a moon

and like a cactus and a mountain or something i don't know it's but it's terrible it's listen any one of us could have done it in four minutes so we're looking at it and i'm like and i made it tried to make the dumb joke to shaley like oh hey look it's a Gretchen bear. And Shaylee goes, no, you know what's funnier? Let's write Gretchen on that. And I'm like, oh, that would be funny. If Gretchen started going around to all the thrift stores in this town and Gretchen was written on all the thrift stores. No, if we did.

No, well, of course we do it, but the payoff is when she goes around and sees her name on the fucking painting she never did. Uh-oh. Chompy's attacking himself. There's dog food inside you can bring out for Chompy. Is it right outside?

No, in the main house. You know where my dogs eat? There's dog food and there's water and stuff. There's shit in cabinets. There's food. Stop being polite. You're welcome here. Anyway, so...

Chompy shouldn't have to eat moths and armpit hair. I just thought it'd be really funny. I just thought it'd be really funny. And I thought in was... He slurred enough to make me picture a moth in her armpit hair. In was probably more accurate. Oh, my God. You know what?

Sorry, Maggie, but you're a very hairy, young 20-year-old girl, and I am disgusted by my own body hair to the point where I shower in long johns, union jacks. You know what that is with the butt flap, the one piece thermal. Wow. Really? No, I don't do that. But I if I if I could, I just don't shower like you.

But, you know, I shower rarely. Why? What? Listen, we're going to close on the Gretchen bear. Don't worry. I get this sorted sorted but what is it with you where you said we were joking the other night and i said i'm gonna just shave you and you go if you you say oh if you cut off my armpit hair i'll cut off your dick see i won't swear on the podcast because I'm a proper lady. But you did it.

What is the attraction to not cutting off body hair? Because I fucking hate it. I'm happy to be balding. I like body hair. Well, obviously. Is there for a reason? Shit. Sorry, Brian. My thing is really bad for your skin.

You need to get Joe in your chair. I had a thumbnail for this podcast. I just wanted to say this because I can actually tell you that the conversation Joe and I had backs that conversation up because I sat with Joe and I told him how much I loved him and how much Maggie was great and how he was super smart for picking her as this cool young chick who was this amazing chick. And Joe was like, no, I'm not even that smart, dude. She just has this fucking fetish for long-haired, bearded dudes

who's super hairy. I just was the guy. I'm like, all right, well then kudos to you for fucking jumping on that and keeping it because she's amazing but that's what it is Joe's also cool by the way but he gets it oh she just likes me

for my country music if Joe played Bigfoot they would have to have wardrobe tone him down usually people tone him down. Usually people either say he looks like Bigfoot, Charles Manson, or Osama Bin Laden.

By the way, I went with Osama Bin Laden. Because of the beard. You have the gray streaks in the beard. And I can also tell you hate America. I can tell it. I can tell it. I can tell it. I can see it in your eyes. You hate America,

which is why I wanted to hug you. I would also go with Osama bin Laden, but I don't think he hates America. I've smoked weed with this man. He's a good man. You ought to see me with a towel on my head. Well, by the way, that would only occur after a shower,

so we'll never see it. This was a weird moment when sober, where I'm not good at social skills, which I'm probably not good at social skills when I'm drunk, but I feel comfortable saying things that when you guys came over one of those days, and I'm a trial like, I want to say hey, feel free to use the shower but would they take that

the wrong way? Because you smell Yeah, we know. Bad. We did get to do laundry yesterday morning. Yeah, Andrew let us wash our clothes. So wait.

I fixed this washing machine, so we did laundry. But not even as a rhetorical question. Because Doug did say that to me, because we giggled about it after you guys were hanging out for like two hours. Doug's like, I wanted to tell them they could use the shower if they wanted to, but I didn't want to offend them. Because he's a sweetheart. He actually doesn't want to offend you.

So if you're not into taking a shower, you have dreadlocks. You can't get dreadlocks wet. You don't want to take a shower. At this point, maybe, it doesn't matter what you do. If you could blow them up with a nuclear bomb. Point being, he was legitimately, sincerely, I don't want to offend them.

I don't know the... The way you don't use a certain word around a person, I don't want to offend them. Right. Do you offer up something that they don't use a certain word around a person, like, I don't want to offend them. Right. So do you offer up something that they don't have, which is running water to shower, versus risking offending them,

saying, oh, they think I need a shower? We really appreciate the offer. We know that we are dirty and smelly, and we do appreciate the occasional shower. But can you smell yourself? Because as a smoker, I can smoke the fuck out of a place. I know smoking, but I don't I don't notice it. I assume you don't notice it. No, I notice it.

You know, some days are worse than others. I know. We've been around you for a week and some days are worse than others. I know. I know. We've been around you for a week, and some days are worse than others. To be fair, you guys really don't smell a lot worse than a lot of other people that hang out here regularly in Bisbee. Who have access to showers. Exactly. Thank you.

Like, people that hang around here in this bar on this side of the bar yes i'm just saying all the time myself included well that was also the ultimate irony was that doug every time he said something to me about it like oh yeah maggie and joe like i want to fucking tell them like oh you should use our shower like oh you kind of smell like oh i'm that guy like i rarely shower like am i that guy like you were the physician heal thyself couple for doug like oh i get it myself oh is it does everyone who hangs around me if i can have the experience that yes we do by the way and you should shower more often i should i try my best i have you know no you don't because every day you say you're gonna shower and every day you make zero attempt to do it but every day i say i'm gonna shower

i have it's the thought that counts have you never received a bad sweater for a christmas gift it's the thought that counts yeah may i say this conversation actually points out what everybody says about you and that's like how kind and generous and giving you are and cut cut we can't let anyone know doug is a nice person yeah put this with the radley bolko footage all right no one can know that doug's nice let's see even off off mic i care. No, no, get on the mic. We're fucking with you. You don't, like, you haven't made us feel, like, unwelcome in any way. And, like, we do stink.

We're dirty hippies, you know, that live in a cave. Well, shed now. Well, congratulations, I guess. We're moving on. No, no, no. We don't want to shed. It made us feel, like like pushed away because of. Well, you're really good people.

Thank you. And I think a lot more people would know that about you if you didn't look like Bigfoot that stinks like a stumble bum. No, listen, the best. Hey, at least we don't read caboose. No, listen, the best... Hey, at least we don't reek of booze. No, listen, the best story was just tonight, I didn't even know the story until tonight.

Because I met these guys at the Super Bowl party and they've been fantastic from the start. Absolutely. But Maggie was like, yeah, you don't know. The first night I came here, the only reason I even was let in is that Joe had an abscessed tooth. So he couldn't fucking make it out because

he does look like Charles Manson and Osama Bin Laden. And they're still fucking. So, will you please make eye contact with me while we talk? Because Chad Shank is the one that let go. Let him

tell the story about letting them in. Well, I didn't know if I already told it. That's what I was thinking. Did we tell that before in a podcast? No, we never put out the Maggie podcast. Well, I never know who I'm supposed to let in and who I'm not supposed to let in anyway. I think we talked about that.

We've talked about it. It's not been on a podcast. Maggie showed up at the gate. I heard a little voice go, I'm locked out. Maggie's like 3'9 with dreadlocks, and she's 20, and she looks exactly like my niece if things went a different route. Her smile. She's got a gorgeous smile. Her smile's so cute, it makes you forget her armpits.

Which is a compliment to her smile. Yes. Because wow. So I heard this little voice, I'm locked out, and I went over and looked over the gate and saw Maggie standing there with a ukulele. Did you just pick her up by her troll doll hair and pick her up over the fence and set her down?

I was trying to be diplomatic. Like a mother cat. But yeah, so I was like, oh yeah, I recognize you. Come on in. Okay. So, point being, when I was talking to Joe and Maggie tonight, Joe and they were both like, yeah, the first time we came here, if Joe would have come, we would have

never gotten in. And my first, we'd already been talking about, we can also cut this from the podcast, how sweet and wonderful and generous doug stanhope is and and i was like yeah he's he's amazing and he's a sweetheart he's got his reputation but he's not yeah so so then they tell the story like oh the first night like maggie came and joe had this abscessed tooth like if we came the first night if he'd have been here at 11 o'clock at night, looking like Osama bin Laden and Charles Manson are still fucking, Chad would have been,

well, no. And my point was like, no, that isn't what would have happened. And then after he told it to me and I said that to him, it took one second for me to go, oh, that actually is what would have happened, by the way. There is no way you, motherfucker,

would have ever gotten in here. You wouldn't have. But you are a fucking sweetheart. You took care of Margo last night. You're a fucking sweetheart, Joe. And you've been amazing. And that was amazing. And it's too much to get into with Margo

on another podcast. She is the sexiest woman alive. No, it's... Just for the record. Thank you. That was my other favorite story from the weekend, by the way, and I also told this story.

Hey, wait, Margo. Margo wanted to say a few words. Thank you, Maggie. I really appreciate that. I find you very sexy as well. So last night, last night, during the middle of all of this,

I saw Margo still sitting there. This is long after she almost passed out and fell over. I thought she... Last night, during the middle of all of this, I saw Margot still sitting there. This is long after she almost passed out and fell over. I thought she might be dying, and I pointed to someone to get the camera crew to roll over. And not only... If you know this podcast, you would know... He was disappointed that Margot was okay. I wasn't disappointed.

I would be disappointed if she had just really died right before she's going to be on the pilot episode and she died and we didn't get it on tape. Right. Yes, that's funny. If I die, if you ever did anything for me... Always press record, Kyle. Always press record.

None of it's heartfelt. It's just the shittiest things. Anyway. So Joe... No, I... Joe took care of Margo. I wasn't trying to get back to you. I was trying to get back to me.

And I don't want to just do the bit, but I have a bit on that throwaway special. But why would you. Yeah, I can't do it without doing the bit do the bit do the bit but then why would they buy the special because they're cool people who would never yeah that's that's the uh pop-up vodka presents an evening with doug stanhope that's so over lit it was our first try and it was a great show except it's so over lit the audience but it's here in the funhouse

and we'll put that out somehow as a fucking bonus thing shit that got cut out of other shows you should market it as it's over lit finally the audience matches the performer why would you choose to look that way

where you're such a beautiful person why would you choose to look that way where you're such a beautiful person? Why would you choose to make people afraid to be near you? Is it a spite thing? No, it's actually quite, it was a spiritual thing. I gave up everything I had. The only thing I had was what fit in my backpack and my dog. And I went into the woods for three and a half months. See, the thing is that

how you look and smell really don't matter. So if you look and smell awful, then only the really good, genuine people will even talk to you. I mean, to be honest with you, you're, you know... We've just counteracted that by saying

if Joe had been with you and you weren't a little teeny tiny girl, you would have never got in here. And you're saying we're beautiful, genuine people. I'm going to agree with Joe. I'm going to agree with them too. You still immediately accepted us. Yes.

Based on my experience in having to deal with people that may or may not be wanted here, I end up talking with them for at least 20 minutes inside or outside the gate being a fucking diplomat. Now if I would have spent 10 minutes or 2 minutes talking with Joe,

I would have known, yeah, come on in Joe. Both of them. I got some weed. But that's not real life. talking with Joe, I would have known, yeah, come on in, Joe. Both of them. Absolutely. I got some weed. But that's not real life. That's what would happen here, though. The take of that bit is if you, and you're not of the criminal element, so it doesn't actually pertain to you,

but they dress the part. If you want to be included socially this goes back to that whole bradley balco fallout that was way too many beep yes if i were a drug dealer i would have all my little kids on the street corners dressed like... My point is, your homeless people here are not representative of homeless people. I know, but the point is, if you just shave your... I think, wouldn't shaving your head be easier? No.

No. My hair is i've been growing it for well my dreadlocks are almost two years old i grew my hair for three years to get them um they're with me every step of my journey every piece every molecule of air i pass through is here. Believe it or not, they stay super clean. They're like... But you look scary as fuck. Honestly, I would love to just...

I play with them all the time, but... I'm not saying I'm a pretty person, but it's almost like you go out of your way to look scary as fuck. No, he doesn't look scary as fuck. Let me tell you something. He was standing there on Hollywood Boulevard one day

and this little girl comes up to him and says, I love you Jesus! And he looked at her and said... And then her mom smacks her in the face. He does not look scary. To small children who believe in

fables. It's not scary. You don't look scary to me. Huff and puff and I'll blow your house in. I could show you a picture taken of me eight years ago. You could, but you won won't it's on my license he looked scarier when he didn't have as much hair

yeah I kept my hair short for work I work as a cook normally oh jeez why do you have to have hair nets oh that's why one dude actually that explains that diarrhea you have to have hair nets? Oh, that's why. One dude. Joe. No.

Actually, I lose. That explains that diarrhea. I lose less hair than most people because it locks in. I don't lose hair. Well, your hairline is almost touching your eyebrows. That's why you lose less hair than most people because most people don't have that much hair. I'm blessed. I'll never go bald.

Yes. That's one word for it, blessed. Yeah, blessed, and we're cursed. What goes up must come down. But no, the hair thing, I hear a lot of shit about cultural appropriation, too, that's bullshit, because it actually came from Indian Swamis who gave up

everything. There's no homelessness. And first of all, go back for all my stupid listeners and explain cultural appropriation. People think that white people who have dreadlocks are stealing them from the black culture. Oh, not my listeners. All right.

Well, that's good because, you know, and believe it or not, it's only these liberal uppity hipster. Any young white girl that wears cornrows is culturally appropriating some black thing. Those are cornrows. And now all of a sudden she's racist because she has... You're stealing caveman culture. Exactly. Before there were combs, this is what everybody had. Yeah, it's not all culture appropriation.

I just thought she didn't wash her hair. Oh, no. Actually, dirty hair doesn't dreadlock. It's a few things for me. For one thing, I didn't have a comb. It was kind of a convenience thing. It just started fucking happening. It just got away from you?

It just got away from you. I'm not going to buy a comb. I'm not going to steal a comb and risk going to jail to fucking have a fucking comb. I don't give a shit about things that don't matter. Why are you doing 10 to 20 comb theft? Erickson, this is where I used to... But you're the most coiffed

person in the jail. Of course, I stole a comb. Coiffed. I used to say that about goth girls who take on that look to pretend they weren't ugly anyway i'm just gonna play i'm gonna make myself uglier but it's because you're ugly anyway yeah now you're trying to make it a look just be ugly we won't care yeah there should be more like ugly people empowerment. You know?

I've already done the bit about it and the world didn't change. Hey, this is a good chance for me to plug merch because Chaley's been sitting there for 42 hours nodding out in his narcoleptic state. So buy some merch. There's a bit on one of those things. Buy them all and find it. Like, where's Waldo? How's that for a plug?

That is the worst promo for a thing. You don't even remember it. First of all, and I don't either. First of all, I don't either, but you don't in any way remember what we were talking about, for sure. Hey, while I'm doing the plugs, at Brett, not Brent, is Brett Erickson.

Chad Shank is at HDFatty with a Y. And Maggie and Joe are at the Cave of Summer Brewery Gulch towards the end. But they're moving to a different cave. Listen, if you're ever in Tucson and you happen to hear a really, really funny, beautiful girl who's singing a song about how much you suck living in Tucson.

No, Tempe. Listen, Tucson's fine. If you're living in Tempe and you hear a really beautiful girl singing a song about how terrible you are living in Tempe, then give her $5. Thank you, man. Oh, that was the worst.

No, listen, I already blew it because I thought it was Tucson. I already blew it. That was the worst part. I was trying to do a nice thing. It doesn't matter what city. Well, no, it did, though. It kind of did, though. The worst is that...

Tempe are homeless people. Because Tucson's fine, but Tempe is fucked up. Hey, listen. Erickson. I'm trying to save it. Erickson! The worst part is when I passed her saying, Oh, she's wearing the same clothes from five days ago,

and I've been wearing the same clothes for eight days in my pajamas. The worst part is I passed her. I said hello. I told her what we're planning for this show, and she's busking. And I didn't have a fucking nickel on me. After that whole weird weekend, I go, fuck, I don't have any money to give you.

Just sitting there clogging up your busking hour. Yeah. Taking you away from the fucking elderly tourists the really truly beautiful thing and i'm sorry to jump in before you could respond to that but honestly this is really truly a beautiful thing to me about you that we've been talking about a little bit is that you two uh maggie and joe are have been amazing and wonderful and and yes we have stolen you away from your busking, but you have agreed to do that. Because whether you are...

I made up for it. Well, listen, of course you have. Without even saying that, you already get it that there's way funnier shit happening with us than there is fucking sitting in front of the Bisbee Coffee Cafe, whatever the fuck you do. Oh, wait! We're doing funny, and you guys

have been gorgeous and wonderful. Okay, stop with the I love you, man. This goes back to a Chad Shank podcast a couple weeks last, maybe during your mental breakdown, where there was two people that were shoved away

from busking in front of the Bisbee Coffee Company. And two days later, their newspapers were ripped up. I remember that lackluster police beat. That was them and their friends. Yeah, yeah. It looked like cake or cookies. Cookies were smeared on the window. He just told me about that.

I didn't hear about it, but we know the kids. These guys don't seem like vindictive hippies here. They won't smear cookies. Yeah, we didn't do that. They knew the ones that did. But we do know that. We were kicked out of the front of that with those two. We happened to be inside grabbing a slice of pizza.

How do you have bad company? All right. Oh, well, they're awesome company. You know, they're great people. I know, but when you're casting aspersions on those other people, it wasn't us. They thought we looked fine out in front of their business. They had been in the store aggressively engaging customers in conversation.

So that's why we went and got a piece of pizza. That's why you went and got a cave like me. Just let's not go out into town anymore. Fuck these people. Yeah, our friend Ben is just kind of a wingnut and he was like going up to old ladies and being like, hey, I bet I could

beat you in bridge. You want to play bridge? I got some money to put on it. You know, just like being a fucking weirdo. That's the best way to get people to give you money. We're going to close on this. Gretchen Bear, Chaley swears

he'll do it, and it might not ever happen, but Gretchen Bear, the local artist, good friend of ours who's helped us out through all of this bullshit, that idea of putting Gretchen Bear's signature

on shitty dollar paintings at a thrift store. If you... Chaley's going to get a stencil of her signature from a real painting, and he's going to put it on the website, however he does that shit. For download. Yeah, you can download that as a stencil

and just go into thrift stores and find the shittiest paintings and put Gretchen Baer's name. I think she's at Gretchen Baer, B-A-E-R. And yeah, tweet those at us. And that will make us laugh and laugh. Because we make you laugh and laugh or bore you to tears for free

so bore us to tears for free at Doug Stanhope at Greg Chaley C-H-A-I-L-L-E at H-D Fatty at we're moving into a new cave we'll talk about that on the next podcast

this is the this is the wrap up we're moving into a new cave. We'll talk about that on the next podcast. This is the wrap-up party from the untitled show that we filmed. Thank you. Hey, please play some Mishka Shudala. The potato

peelings in the sink did not turn into vodka as I had hoped. I only start to need a drink after the liquor stores have closed. I heard you changed your name again Darling Don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you

In the end La la la la I'm trying to stop this podcast from happening Shaylee will fall asleep on the pause button pretty soon you wanna hear something no we're not recording

at all, but speak into the microphone because I can't hear you. I have a hearing impairment. We were figuring this out. My grandfather was a Gunquin out of Maine. Her ancestors came over on the Mayflower and slaughtered mine.

Yeah, that's what people do. They kill each other. She's my reparation. It boils down to overpopulation. That's not totally accurate, by the way. Well, it's because her greater, greater, greater

parents fucked too much to the point where it was an unlivable situation where they lived and they had to come over and kill other people to make some new land. They where they lived and they had to come over and kill other people to make some new land. They had less potatoes than they had people. And once you have less potatoes than you have people, you've got to leave the island you're on.

Go to a new place. That's not the problem. The problem is not more people. We just need less potatoes. And more land. Yes. Been looking at it all wrong. That's what I can do with that land. Plant lots of potatoes.

Here's the thing. I'm going to sit up and drink for a while. And I don't mind doing it into a microphone. And I don't care about dead air. The only thing that's missing is music, which I don't care about dead air. The only thing that's missing is music, which I don't generally like, but it probably adds a little element to this huge wrap-up party. I guess the problem is when you work like we work,

that is kind of the party. So by the time the wrap-up party comes, it's like Monday after Super Bowl. We partied for the entire shoot. You should probably get some sleep.

So shut that off, Chaley, and let's go to bed and keep drinking and then have lots of painful memories of things we don't remember.