The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #128: Bingo Disappears! Day 1 - Bingo's Other Boyfriend

Episode Date: March 3, 2016

Bingo Disappears! Day 1 - Bingo's Other Boyfriend. Recorded Mar. 01, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Buttercup, Bert Kreischer (@bertkreischer), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on AmazonBrian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing Song, "Willin" by Little Feat as performed by Paul and Fred Acoustic Duo from Youtube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpadvIYRY3QDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, welcome to a special edition of the Doug Stanhope podcast. My name is Doug Stanhope. What we're about to do might be completely stupid, but if it is, you'll never hear it. This is what happened. Bingo disappeared today. Just drove off, left town. And I'll set up the rest when we have our guest here,

and then you'll know exactly why we're doing this. Why five beers ago, because I was day drinking. This was the day I was going to start my sobriety run, but things went askew. So our guest today, and you'll know why, is Bingo's other boyfriend, Washtub Willie. We're just going to call him Washtub Willie, because I don't want you guys fucking with him. Because by all accounts, he's a nice guy and has the best intentions up in his fucking off-the-grid lair.

Yes. Slab with the outhouse. But you don't know him. I've met him here. He's been over. A handshake. Hello. Yes. Slab with the outhouse. But you don't know him. I've met him here. He's been over. A handshake. Hello. Hey, have a beer.

You've known him around town. It's a small town. You know everyone kind of. But when your gal leaves you for a guy after 10 years, you get to know him better. That's what we're about to do. Or you want to know more. I want to know more.

And he wants to know him better and that's what we're about to do or you want to know more i want to know more and he wants to know more and uh he reached out in a a kind of way when he's like whoa i don't mean i'm sorry to call you but uh can't get a hold of bingo can't get a hold of our girlfriend which is kind of ballsy but i understand that today my day or your day do you have the kids or not uh the owls have been asking for that cnn sorry that was on pause can you kill that it's a red remote over there uh i know it's super tuesday and we're gonna have you want to leave that on so we can just yeah just mute it. You need that one right there. All right. So that's what's going to happen.

He called, and I called him back, and I said, where are you at? And he said, I was just leaving my house. I can be there in 30 minutes. That's how far out in the fucking desert they live. If the bridge ain't washed out. So, yeah, we're going to have our first uh communication i just said come out he said uh yeah i said we don't know where she is either just come on over he said i was gonna

come to your house if that's okay and i said that's why i was calling come on over to the fun house we're out back and we'll try to turn the tragedy into comedy as we love to do on this podcast and this is all because of burt kreischer who's not returning my call now when i need him most he's your sponsor your emotional sponsor no no he's he's the one who gave me the little bit of backstory to even know that my wife has left town so we'll we'll get into that on the podcast he i don't think he wanted that to be known i would he's he's when i will save it save it save it for the air we're on the air what i know we're on the air but when washtub willie comes in i want him to be immediately on the air yeah all right so right. So are you set up enough?

So that's it. That's a setup. Yes, that's a setup. Bingo's not here. Washtub's on his way over. Actually, I told Chad Shank, he goes, shit, I want to be there. And I go, this is the one time I don't want you here because I want to have a nice dialogue and be friendly about this because that's what we do.

Yeah. We don't need the Black Panthers standing behind him as he's talking to you. Exactly. Chad Shank would have strong opinions, and I don't want... Washed-up Willie actually sounds worse than using his real name. Well, we talked about that. Yeah.

Don't fuck with the guy. Not that I don't know he... He has an outhouse. Does he have a web presence? I don't know, but either way, don't fuck with the guy and not that i don't know he he lives he has an outhouse does he have a web presence i don't know but either way don't fuck with the guy uh yeah bingo's in love with a dude go be with that dude it's a very sophisticated approach you two have i mean because burt was asking me when we were driving up from tucson yesterday and i go i don't know i find out my information from the website and social media and twitter and and the podcast like everyone else and i mean that's that's the truth because

i don't know that you know really what's going on i don't yeah and i've had shit to do which has been a convenient distraction and now where i don't like i i still have dishes from the party two days ago but that's not a pressing issue yeah so not like this pressing issue well now you just like all right all the times where i have nothing but headspace sitting here in the bar kenny came over and i was happy like he's talking kenny will just sit there and watch whatever sport, basketball or fucking synchronized swimming, and then bitch about how they're doing it wrong. And I was happy to have that distraction in my head

as otherwise. All right, we'll be right back as soon as Willie walks through the door. as soon as Willie walks through the door. Hi, this is Perez Hilton, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Hey, take that one. We're just going to do this on a podcast and if if if you don't want it to air we will dump it we try to make everything weird funny

all right well that sounds just like my life and the people that listen and follow along like a soap opera so i'm glad you came over what's wrong with them but thanks for inviting me uh so this is what we know last night we had a friend of ours burt kreischer the comedian came over we did four hours of podcasting had a blast bingo was awake uh probably too awake for the size of her pupils. But we go, all right, we know we're all going to be too drunk to drive him back early in the morning. So Bingo said, oh, I'll drive him in the morning. Well, Bingo got up very early, got him up an hour before he even had to leave.

He's still shit-faced. got him up an hour before he even had to leave. Still, he's still shit-faced. Drove him to the airport and had the Tahoe full of shit and told him not to tell me or Chaley, but that she's just going to keep going and just go drive. And that's all I know, other than Burt Kreischer said at one point, jokingly, she said, why can't you just have and Doug on a podcast and they decide who I'm with.

And it was only five beers before I went, that's fucking funny. All right. So we don't know where she's at right now. We have no idea. Oh, fuck. All right. We don't know where she's at right now. We have no idea. And she left her phone here. Okay.

Which I did not intrude, but when your text came up and you were saying, hey, you're scaring the shit out of me, it's my biggest fear as well is when someone disappears and there's no way to contact them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Going back to a million relationships ago. Right, right. And I'm like, gosh, I got to do the fucking right thing and tell them. Thank you.

Obviously, there's a little bit. I call you Washtub Willie, and I've not used your real name on the podcast. Just, you're going to fuck with you a little bit. I don't blame you. And Bingo's got a great sense of humor about the outhouse and the owls, and that's come up. Well, I thought I was outhouse guy. I'd never heard of Watched Up Willie before.

We've come up with a few. Well, I'll take it. Nothing's stuck. Well, we could leave it up to you. I do got a couple of them. Well, let me think about it. This is all new to me. We have our bartender coming back, so we'll get. up to you. I do got a couple of them. Well, let me think about it. This is all new to me. We have our bartender coming back, so we'll get...

I'm good. All right. We got Budweiser's cold over in the cooler. Shit, I'm not good. Here. Grab it, Jimmy. Thank you, man. Well, thank you for inviting me down, man.

I just... You know, I... She told me she had i just eat the mic on just yeah yeah yeah you're a musician what she told me you know last night was that she got to drive some funny person to the airport i don't know anybody's names or anything like that no disrespect no you you wouldn't know the i just i don't know i don't know the thank you man yeah appreciate you um so uh so she said i'll be there by noon i said okay you know but then i uh i knocked myself out with a bottle of tequila and i woke up about four o'clock in the morning and i had these text

messages from bingo and uh saying where you at, you at? Well, shit, they were sent like hours before, you know, but I was passed out. So I've been trying to get a hold of her ever since, and I didn't know, you know, where she's at and all. And I was just worried. Well, you're right with us. Yeah. No one has any idea. And she left her phone behind, which you know she never leaves.

She don't do that. And took the worst car of the four to be driving around without a... And it was full of stuff. Yeah. I guess, yeah. That's what Chrysler said. She had a bunch of shit, and we had just cleaned it out. So if there's a bunch of shit in it, it's...

She had to have... I don't know what time we went to bed. I think it was probably midnight when we went to bed. When you did. When I did. She was already on the couch. So I went to bed, woke up, and even the blanket she was sleeping under was gone. And when I called Kreischer on their way, I was like, oh, she forgot her phone.

So I called Kreischer on their way to the airport and I said, where's your blanket? And she said, oh, I brought it for him in case he wanted to sleep on the drive which, plausible because he only got a few hours sleep shit-faced We need to say this

Bert felt bad having to say what was going on because she was adamant about, look, don't say anything. And then he was a sounding board. She was telling him a lot of stuff. As soon as he was at the airport, he called me and goes, listen, she told me not to tell you or Chaley, but she's going away. And I think he did the right thing. Absolutely the right thing. I don't want him to – He did say don't say anything.

No, he said... She said don't say anything to Doug or Chaley. He said, well, I'm probably going to say something to Doug. You can't put that on me. Right. So we are in agreement. Bert did the right thing.

Absolutely. Right. Yep. Because we'd still be wondering where the fuck, you know, wait, she drove him at 6 in the morning? Yeah, even if the car broke down, she has AAA. I got a AAA Plus, but if she doesn't have a phone, how the fuck is she going to call AAA Plus? Right, right. But she's wily. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And resourceful. Well. Steve and I had a great night. I don't know if he told you the other night. Yeah, he did. The three of us just had a, like, out all this thing. How much bullshit are you, your mental illness, how much are you using that as a crutch to get out

of a difficult position right and she's in a i mean she's in a tight spot like you know i guess we all are right now you know lately well with everything but there's so much so much so much new going on that it's uh it would make somebody that's not wacko get wacko, you know. I'm already wacko, so it didn't bother me. But so that's been a concern. And where's Bingo? Where's Waldo? Right. where's Waldo right

and I know well I vacillate like you do when you don't know that's when your head fucks with you especially now when I have a lot of free time right yep I've been conveniently busy

through this whole bullshit and now she picks today where I go, I got nothing else to do. Done. Deck is cleared. Yes, and oh, now you're just gonna disappear into the fucking ether with no way to reach you. Now you got something to do, I guess. But she has,

I thought, well, I should call her sister, because if she's gonna go north, she's going through Salt Lake, that's where her sister lives. But she doesn't know where her sister lives, nor does she have her phone number. She barely remembers her own phone number. So still, I'm not worried, but I will be. And then I won't be.

And then I will be. Right. Right. So you've been in love with Bingo since you met her is what i remember from the uh steve night well yeah that's the truth that's the truth but uh no one can blame you no i don't think i don't think so you know uh but it's been um you know as of late, obviously, where we've been spending a lot of time together. And I just have heard... For the record, because you've never been on the podcast.

Yeah, I don't know what this thing is. It's like an internet radio show. Okay, all right. But it's like an internet radio show okay all right uh but we it's not live you're not live and we have a buyer's remorse clause because every time i don't give a shit i don't i don't care okay okay if tomorrow you go oh i shouldn't have said that because no i don't ever i never wake up and say that i don't i don't i i just you know i got bingo's best interest in mind you know throughout this whole thing and and yours also i mean if i if i could say something it i mean i feel like you this is heavy on you right now because you're concerned with with where she's at as we all are

yeah and i think that's probably it's a a little overwhelming. I mean, is that a good read? Because I'm feeling that from you. No, you got it. I'm ready to jump in the willies and go find her. I just don't know which direction to go. Like you say, where'd she go? To her sister? Did she go to Wyoming?

New Orleans? Where? Lindy Mindy up in Wyoming? Whiskey Sister? Right, right, right. That's my bet. That was my first thought. That was my first thought, but I didn't want to call Mindy and in Wyoming, Whiskey Sister. Right, right, right. That's my bet. That was my first thought. That was my first thought, but I didn't want to call Mindy and get her worried in case she just comes back right now.

Once again, where is she? I just went to a thrift store. I said, fuck it. That could happen, too. Flat tire. Fucking calm down, fucker. Right, right, right, right. Oh, man.

When you called, I went, I'm not going to take this. This is a 520, but I'm worried that she's calling from a pay phone, but I also don't want to talk to other people. They ain't got pay phones no more, I don't think. I don't know. I ain't seen one in a long time myself. I've been looking to. If I drove off in a fucking Tahoe, piece of shit with no cell phone

and no way to get a hold of anyone yeah i guess i'd find a pay was that a different tahoe outside i guess that's a suburban that's that's that was the one she should have tahoe is like a police auction fucking okay 99 roll down the window all y'all's cars are white and they all look like cop cars to me so i i've figured that out i like if i i'm in a hurry don't drive this suburban because everyone's going to go slow in front of you thinking you're a cop I was going to get

not a cop backwards in front of my car yeah you should do that for sure like on the rolled edge of the hood just outlaw backwards yeah I think we should do shots Edge of the hood? Just outlaw backwards or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think we should do shots. Yeah, I think so, too. Whiskey? Yeah. We got the Burt Kreischer Advent Calendar shots. Oh, yeah, there's whiskey, too. Do you have a preference? Yeah, yeah, whiskey.

This is our bartender, Tracy. That's Tracy. Tracy, we met, yeah. Oh, our bartender, Tracy. That's Tracy. Tracy, we met. Oh, that's right. Yeah. So I don't know where this is going. She'll come over here crying, I can't deal with this and that. And then five hours later, I'll see you tomorrow, going back.

Right. I don't know what to do. Right. I can't tell you. Well, she's right now, and she's been complete. You know what I mean? Bingo's got to have her focus, you know, a lot of it, you know, when she's working with you, like I've been telling her from day one,

you know, please don't stop working with Stan Hope by any means because you all need each each other and it's an important she's a vital part of Doug and Bingo obviously right so god damn it's on the fucking sign

we made a sign and everything this whole god damn comp so lately she's been into this you know we've been remodeling the bus uh and uh i got this butt what's the bus the bus okay i'll back up a little bit i got a bunch of explain your uh your compound because i just i i just shit on it when i talk about it sure nice yeah she lives out in the sticks with some fucking bare feet kids in an outhouse. Watch out, Willie. I didn't want to use your real name.

No, thank you. I applaud that. Thank you. Cheers. Salute. Salute. Tracy just got out of bed when we realized this is a good idea, but if we're going to do it, we have to do it now. And Tracy just got out of bed where Chaley found her this morning

after last night with mascara on the toilet bowl and the bathroom rug missing from the vomit. Oh, yeah. Well, that happened to anybody. Hey, can I have the other half of that shot? Please. You left the other half of that shot? Please. You left the other half in the bottle. I didn't mean to put you on the spot.

No, I don't care. No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't want to waste conversation off the air. No, no, no, no, no, no. Fuck that. Okay. Put it out there Deadwood style. Boom.

I'm going to back up a little bit. Okay. You're talking about the bus, right? We're going back to my property. Oh, the property. The property. Bus, property, all that. When I come down here, I come down to Bisbee.

I was living up in Alaska. 2001, I think it was. Where at? I was living in Kentwell, Alaska, which is like, it's a bar. These two are Alaskans. It's a truck stop and a bar. It's across of the Denali and the Parks Highway. There's a truck stop and a bar. It's across of the Denali and the Parks Highway. There's a truck stop and a bar. Take your pick

which one you want to hang out in. I ended up in the bar because that's where I ran out of gas. I stayed for two years because I loved it. Anyway. 2001 you came down? I think that's what it was.

2001. I don't know. It all runs together, man. So my brother. You don't remember 9-11? How dare you steal my girl? Trump will show you. Yeah, I'm sure he will. He'll show me something.

So I come down here from Alaska in this big bus that I lived in. School bus. Yeah, school bus conversion. And drove it down. I bought this land on a fax machine because that's what I had to deal with. I don't know if you all remember those. I know they existed. Yeah, they did.

I never had to delve into a field where I had to use one. So I bought this property and signed the papers on the fax machine because it was September. It was 30 degrees. I said, fuck yeah, I'll move to Arizona. So I bought this land, drove the bus down, parked it there, and I've been living there ever since. My brother had property right next to it.

Now, this is, what, 10-15 miles outside of Bisbee proper right yep yep in the flats right it's in the valley out there off the grid my closest neighbor that's not related to me is a you know a mile away and you know you can shoot guns sorry but that begs the question

how many relatives do you have closer well I got I had a few more that were living out there before but uh they all moved away we had a compound going for a while with uh four different houses uh cabins and whatnot and uh we had a few different uh you know families living out there that were all my brother his wife and his kids and then another good bro of mine who moved out there. When his wife passed, I gave him an acre of land. He built a house, and he's been out there ever since.

And then we had a couple other friends who built a cabin out there. So we had this perfect little outlaw community going for a while. You know, somebody was always home because, you know, half of us worked day shift, half worked night shift and whatever. But we'd come and go, you know, know and nobody there's nobody to bother you um well right now as it stands it's me and my kids and my kids you know spend half their you know time with me half their time with their mom uh and we live in my house the the main house, and then Brother John lives over on the other side of the property. Is it exactly why I brought up buyer's remorse clause? I know you have an ex, but if there's difficulty with it,

that's where if you think after, oh, I shouldn't have said that. Oh, no, I don't mind talking about that bitch. It's all good. She hates me, I don't know know why and that's where it's is so anyway um so we we spent the last you know 15 years or so building this place up and uh um you know it's like uh you know a lot of other people's places, you know, you, you, you start a project and it was like, there's a bottle house that's half finished.

You know, there's a, uh, you know, a cabin that's half finished on one side of the property. There's this, there's that. But I lived in my bus. I was content in my bus.

Uh, I lived out there in that thing. And I, uh, yeah. Now bingo has with you, uh, refurbished it at least to a place it's a artist studio that's what we're working on and that's that's the point i was getting at you know uh

was that we were looking around the property for the for the you know trying to find the perfect space for her you know whether it was the cabin we were going to refurbish or the bottle house we were going to finish or whatever, so she could have her own space, you know. And so she settled on the bus. I'm like, oh, great, the bus. Ain't been in there in a few years. So we go in there and we just gutted the son of a bitch. I mean, I found guitars.

I found all kinds of stuff I didn't know I had. And we gutted that thing out. I got a crawl space that one day will be, wow, what ever happened to that? Right, right. But it's a place that I lived that was, you know, I lived there for years. And I, you know, a lot of shit happened in that bus. Let's put it that way. You know, I sat there for weeks on end pretty determined I was going to make that son of a bitch fly.

And I had people sending me drugs from all over the world. I had cocaine coming from South America. I was eating smoking toads. I was doing everything. I'm not kidding you, man. And I'm pretty sure that bus almost had liftoff. But, you know, that's questionable after I tried to pull it out of the mud with the willies the other day. Anyway.

I heard a little bit about it. That's the spot. That's the bus. Here's the thing. I just got a text, and I immediately go to see if it's bingo going. She doesn't have a fucking phone. This is all day. Sorry.

No, that's okay. You can identify. Yep, I can. so that's what she picked that she wanted but she didn't want it way the fuck over on the other side of the property where it was sitting where i lived in it before she wanted it behind the house where we're where i'm at now so we yanked the son of a gun over there and i saw you just stop yourself from saying where we're living because she's living over here without us. Yep, you got it. Too cold. Salute.

Cheers. Clink. But we got it over there behind the house now, and she spent the last week. We gutted it out, pulled the floors up, pulled the walls out, pulled everything. She's been working her ass off cleaning this thing up i had 36 tons of gravel delivered out there because it was in the dirt part and i didn't want the dust suzanne called me she was at the bar uh you know suzanne yeah yeah yeah she goes yeah uh, we're sitting at Elmo's getting day drunk, and he just said, we had a bunch of gravel dumped out there. And she goes, what color?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Gravel here is turquoise for bingo. I told her, well, it's just gravel color right now, but she can squirt whatever color paint she wants on it. I don't care. It's her space, you know what I mean? Everybody has a good sense of humor about everything that's going on, which is great.

I have out-of-town friends. You holding on okay? Yeah, yeah. We're dealing with this the best we can. And this podcast is an example. Right, right, right. Probably not going to help things. I don't know.

Oh, it won't help things because it's all, at the end of the day, it's all bingo. Right. Which is her least favorite expression, I just realized. I hate it when people say, at the end of the day. And I just said it. She doesn't listen to the podcast. Especially now she doesn't have a phone. Right.

Not going to help at all. Yeah. But the whole thing is trying to set up her space, her area, where she can go out there, but she's close enough to the house. But we're having Steve's building the desk floor. This guy's building the floor. This person's building curtains. And all the paint's picked out.

She's got all the colors. Gretchen came out the other day, and they plowed through colors plowed through colors and, you know, ideas and all that shit, and she's been really into it and working on it really hard every day, like working on it. She was out there raking gravel with me the other day, and I was like, Jesus Christ, what are you doing out there raking gravel? This is what pisses me off. Willie.

Yeah, Willie's good. Eventually I'm just going to say it. It doesn't matter no one cares Willie works for now is that for 10 years she wouldn't do a fucking thing around here like I go listen I do everything I pay the bills

I do the cleaning I do the dishes and then I go on the road I do everything all you have to do is walk the fucking dogs just walk the dogs it was your idea to have the fucking dogs. And you wouldn't even do that. And so that's a point of contention

where I have to just walk away now where she comes over. Oh, I'm so tired from raking gravel and chopping firewood. You fucking asshole. You wouldn't even walk a goddamn dog on flat ground. Bro, don't worry. Don't worry. She's going to be sick

of that real soon. She vacillates. One of us is going to wind up with her. I remember when she told me that she's in love with another dude and she said, it's you. A few nights when we got back, Steve Drew

was here. I go, why couldn't it be you, Steve few nights when we got back steve drew is here i go why could it be you steve drew i know you right right right he put in the time yeah yeah yeah i hear you man i hear you yeah i don't know where it's gonna go i don't know i ain't sure i ain't in charge of that none of us are i guess we're in charge of that. But she, like any other, put the cuckoo aside, okay? Any true artist is going to go here, going to go there, going to go there, rambling people, you know? Crazies. Yeah, sure, whatever you want to call it.

Even if it's fake crazy sometimes. Sure, but even as an artist, you need fake crazy sometimes. Absolutely. I've been a musician and working the circuit and shit. I used to. I quit it because I hated all that hoo-ha with people putting you on a pedestal and whatnot. I never liked that stuff very much. And then you come up and they go, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, why can't you just talk then come up and then go well i hate it until it stops and you go wait what did i do wrong right right right well you know

that's when the money stops too but uh anyway uh she's gonna point the point is she's she's gonna always like any artist she's gonna go on to new things all the time you get new ideas like like we all do we get new ideas she would never go on stage the one time at a couple times on the uk tour she'd go up and tell one of her dumb third grade jokes that she loves but But she would never play on stage. She'd play in the little house with the doors shut so we could listen from outside. Yeah.

And the other night. She got up and played seven songs. Like seven songs. Yeah. Just fucking crushed them out. And then, because Tracy and I play with Bingo when we, like Bingo got the ukulele and was doing all that. Tracy plays cello, and I would fill in on whatever.

And it was like, Gretchen was like, wow, it's too bad you guys are never going to play in front of people. I go, what are you talking about? She goes, no, Bingo will not perform. You guys are actually learning songs in a vacuum. And then when she performed the other night and then said, where's that other guitar? And started jamming with myself and Maggie, Maggie feeding us chords and bingo. I'm like, what the fuck? The creative side has really bloomed. And I said, hey, listen, if that's what her leaving me for another dude is going to create, I'm all for it.

Then I woke up with buyer's remorse. Fuck that dude. That was a touching night, man. I'm sealing for it. Then I woke up with buyer's remorse. Fuck that, dude. That was a touching night, man. I'm feeling it right now. The music's been hitting her. We've been working on songs a little bit, you know, only when it's comfortable, you know, for her. And for me, because I'm also cuckoo.

Crutch. But I'm used to being cuckoo. Crutch. But I'm used to being cuckoo in front of people in a different way than she is. Anyway, we've been working on music here and there, and I can tell that she wants to, and we've talked about it quite a bit, get up and do sets and stuff together. So maybe,

maybe that was just a, you know, one of them, them side beams of, well, her book has been done for 10 years. Actually, her book was done when she let me read it 10 years ago when we got together.

But she said, Oh, this is the bus. I'm going to work on my book. Your book is done. I can give it to publishers now. We can put it out. But she knows that if that's done, she has to do something else.

Got to move on to something else. But there's so many other things in that girl's mind. I mean, I don't know why that would stop her. The coloring book was a brilliant project. This is where I give one vote to you, Willie, because I don't get any of that out of her. I have to do my own shit. You've got a lot of shit going on, Doug.

I'm not. She's a part of that. I don't know music at all. She's a component in there. She is on the road. I mean, when I'm with you guys, I'm Doug's tour manager. When I'm there, I see it as two artists

that I'm in charge of. She is a part of that. She is vital. I go on stage drunk. She sits in the back of the room with a notepad and writes down shit I was just riffing that I didn't intend to say. Or you laying out the beats. That's what I say, man.

Y'all need each other, man. You can't stop that train. Truly. Truly is right. You can't stop that. That train cannot stop. I mean, that's something that I really believe that you both need. And the whole Doug and Bingo show should go on.

In my opinion, okay? It ain't my fucking business, okay? I'm just telling you how I feel about it. That's why we're here. Small town. You got to get along. Yeah, yeah. I don't get along with a lot of people. Well, that's because you go out

in town. I don't leave this fucking bar. I don't blame you. It's a nice joint. Well, we are up for best bar in Bisbee, but no one wants to compete against us. First, we have to start a weekly. My bar is about this fucking wide, man. I can't compete.

We have to start the Bisbee weekly so we can vote on the best bar and have that annual thing. Best comedian. Hey, Doug, stand up again. Again. My bar, best bar. What do you know up again. Again. Really? My bar? Best bar? What do you know? Subscription

one. What do you know? Oh, we could do a fanzine to rival the observer. We, uh, one of the first things we did. A little fanzine from like the 80s. One of the first things we did when we moved here, Father Luke, I don't know if you've ever heard of Father Luke. He was a guy

that was a friend of ours when we first moved in here uh we started the he's he was good online which i'm not uh and he started the bisbee taint just because bingo went into the bbc this is again 10 years ago when right when someone else owned it and her husband was the cook. And she was, I forget, but Bingo had a dress on, ankle length. But it was sheer. And as you know, Bingo doesn't wear underwear. Yeah, I figured that out. Yeah. So when she was standing in the doorway, the woman could see the shadow of her vagina.

And on her way, this is back when she was shaved bald. And on the way out, she goes, hey, can I talk to you for a second? And I thought she was going to say, I love your bald head, because she got that a lot. But she said, don't ever come in here dressed like that again. That sounds just like the woman you're talking about. I know her well. Yes, and that was the catalyst to get Father Luke

to start the Bisbee taint online to go against the Bisbee Observer just to trash the BBC. I still fucking hate that place. I take a little nugget of hatred and I carry it through my head. I took over Dot's Diner right after those said people had Dots Diner. They opened the BBC, but they had Dots before that. All right. We went there.

Who was the woman who had Dots that opened up... Fuck, it's... Sarah. Up on Main Street? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's something else. Sarah, yeah.

So not them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now it's something else. Sarah, yeah. So not them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's different. No, Sarah's golden. These are different people that went away, finally. That's a great way to put that, by the way. For the listeners, he did a fluttering butterfly hand. They went away.

Yeah, they did. But I had dots for a year because i thought well what a great fucking idea i'm a musician i play it you know i get home at fucking four in the morning and i'll wake up at five and go cook eggs for everybody brilliant great idea right yeah i made it a year can't lose that was that was the year my son was born so that would be 10 11 years ago that's no pressure on the home life and work life christ almighty that was the year my son was born, so that would have been 10, 11 years ago. That's no pressure on the home life and work life. Christ almighty, that was the worst idea ever. One or the other would have been fine.

Dots was fun, you know, except that when you go in there, you sleep for an hour from getting home from the gig, because I was only playing locally at the time. I wasn't doing road stuff, which I thought was great. This morning, I always wake up angry. I just wake up. I hate myself so much that I just try to find someone else to blame. But this morning, after I heard about Bingo,

Bert, when he got to the airport, and I'm not supposed to tell you, and I told Chaley, I i go here's the company line because eventually she left her phone here eventually the gretchen's and the people that are gonna get worried the daily texters and i go just just i'll just say yeah i don't however i said it it was gonna be so everyone thought maybe i murdered her. Yeah, she's just gone away. Just let everyone think that I murdered her.

Well, that was the angry Doug in the morning. Right, right, right. I'm still laughing. I follow you. Actually, I like Willie's. She went away. She went away.

That was the segue. So here's the question. Do we get in the fucking truck and go look for her? No. Absolutely not. No? I mean, wait, hold on. I take that back.

I have no fucking dog in this race. I shouldn't have an opinion. I'm sorry I even said anything. Where's that bartender? Where would you go is right. But, I mean, I got the week off pretty much, or I can take it. She'll be back. So we can take a road trip, or we can sit around and wait.

Oh, my God. Lindy Mindy, I'll call, Whiskey Girl's sister, say, hey, be on Amber Alert for bingo. Turquoise Alert. Turquoise Alert. She would know where to go because there's not street addresses. There's just that house. That's in

not Thermopolis, but some weird place in Wyoming where she knows the terrain. So I would guess that's where she goes. New Orleans would be the only other place, but I don't know if Rob Yeah, where's Rob? We had talked about yesterday. I said, other place, but I don't know if Rob and even... Yeah, where's Rob? I mean, we had talked about yesterday.

I said, you know, because I'm always redoing my house all the time because I have one. And I don't know why I have one. But I have a house, so I'm always redoing it. And I think it was yesterday I said, let's go to New Orleans and buy doors because I wanted French doors, but I want New Orleans. Yeah. You know what I mean? Legit. Like repurposed?

No, I just want to go rip the doors off of some house in the French Quarter, throw them in the van and come back. A door that was on someone else's house. It's a little bloated from Katrina, but I can make it work. We can shave off the bottom part. So I was like, well, I got this idea. Let's go steal some doors off of some fucking

building in New Orleans and we'll just party for two days and you got friends there, you got friends there. I got friends there. Wait, do you still want to do that? Of course, yeah. Because Doug's calendar is wide open. Well, since you said New Orleans, well, yeah. I mean, like I said, I can take the rest of the week off.

And I got a few doors in mind. I'm from Louisiana, man. Yeah, Bingo's disappearance has ruined our plans for Chaley's fucking birthday unless she comes back soon. When is the birthday? Saturday. The 5th. What's today?

But it's also Fauna McGregor, so I kind of... The same way bingo uses her mental illness as a crutch, I'm using my caring about bingo as a crutch to go, well, we'll just watch UFC for your 50th birthday. Because bingo has disappeared. UFC, what is it? Ultimate Fighting. Oh, the cage stuff and all that.

No, no cage. Yeah, it's grown. It's grown. It made boxing obsolete, which I love. Well, you play Elmos, so you know what we're talking about. Well, yeah. How long Well, you play Elmos, so you know what we're talking about. Well, yeah. How long have you worked at Elmos? Man, I've been there, I don't know, just a few years.

I bartend there just as a needed kind of basis. I hate to have what I call a job job. It's not really a job. It's not really a job. I just go in and I serve serve all day i have i have a bar that means oh you 10 bar there i 10 bar well lately it's been since i got back to town from the last tour i was gone six months and i got back and that's right when uh buzz got sick yeah and so phil and know, which is the whole reason I work, you know,

I'm there, I've made myself available for him because they treated me like family, family since the day I met Phil and Sue, both of, have always been really good to me. So I just worked there just to, you know, to help out.

Cause I can't. So I get back to town and they're like, well, Buzz got to take a week off. Maybe two. Okay. So here we are. For the listeners, this is a local bar that's known as the

rowdiest bar. Established 1902. Oldest bar, and when people email me or tweet me, and they say, hey, we're going to go to Bisbee. Where should we eat? Where should we drink? And I'll just lay out.

All right. Well, if you want to score below, go to Elmo's. If you don't want to get into a fight, go to the Copper Queen. If you want a day drink, go to the Grand. I try to spread out all my plugs. Yep, yep, yep, yep. I got you. Yep.

And you? Sure. And you. Sure. There you go. Yeah, Doug and I are big whiskey drinkers. Oh, good. We are tonight. That's good. That's a good fact.

That's a good fucking fact that you're doing this. We're in good company, man. This is exceptional. Thanks for having me, man. Cheers. Cheers. Hey, here's to French doors that don't belong to you but someday will they you're gonna so anyway yo so yeah buzz buzz been sick he got sick for a week and it turned

in three months later i have a job now for two day shifts a week at elmo's but it's like you know everybody that comes in the day shift you know they they have a Walker races up and down the fucking aisle. You know, I mean, they're very touristy. No, no, no. I mean, these are local boys. Oh, no, no. Yeah, yeah. They're all decrepit and shifty or shorty.

What's his name? Shorty. Yeah. He don't like me no more. Someone has like a we try to get him for a gag. We just filmed on this thing. Betty said, oh, shorty would be perfect, but he had no interest. Someone has like a plaque at the seat.

Frenchie. Frenchie, yeah. She's there. Every shift that I work, she's there. Frenchie's my pal. It's that kind of bar. But Frenchie's like 70 years old, and she's been sitting in that same goddamn seat for 40 years.

So she deserves a fucking flag. Every fucking day. I heard she calls in sick if she can't make it. She will. She'll call in late. She'll call in late, sick. Like, hey, I'm going to be about 30 minutes late. I'm like, okay, Frenchie, thank you, baby,

because otherwise I'd worry about you. Thank you for calling. But, yeah, she do. Anyway, yeah, because otherwise I'd worry about you. Thank you for calling. But yes, you do. Anyway, yeah, Elmos is fun. It's a fun place to work. Like I said, it's not really like a job. It's like just what we're doing right now. Exactly.

Just hanging out, drinking with your friends, you know, except I'm not drinking. Every time I think about quitting comedy, I'd go, I'd just be a bartender because they're the most important people in the world. If you're a drunk, you need someone that actually cares about you. We've gone to great bars where the bartender was a douche and just sat there and watched soap operas during the day when we're trying to get day drunk. No, engage me. That's why I'm here.

You're right. Act like Becker is an Alaskan friend of Coots. Chilkoot Charlie's. I'm here. You're right. Act like... Becker is an Alaskan friend of... Coots. Chilkoot Charlie's. My best friend. Anchorage, Alaska. Okay. He's been there since the 70s.

Okay. We all worked there. All right. And he does like just every silly thing. He has a dildo with a squirt gun that he made himself to give people shots of tequila. A post-magic. He goes, listen, if you can drink the same way at home as you do here, made himself to give people shots of tequila. Up close magic. If you can drink the same way at home as you do here, why would you leave

your house? I need to provide some kind of... You want someone to talk to you and act like they give a fuck. It's the same as a hooker. Act like you care about me. I'm not calling you at 3 in the morning because I'm just horny and lonely and sad

I'll give you some money pretend like you want to be here for an hour hang on hang on hang on Kreischer I'm putting you on speakerphone Kreischer yeah we're on the podcast right now I'm going to put you on speakerphone ok

I got Willie here as his assumed name. Willie? Washtub Willie, I call him, because he lives with the fucking outhouse stuff. He's cool as shit. Is Chad there?

No, I told Chad not to come. I go, this is the only time I tell you not to come, because I want him to feel like it's comfortable, and Chad's very intimidating. Holy crap. Is Tracy bartending? Tracy's bartending after she vomited up everything she drank last night. Nice.

I want to hear what he sounds like. Can I talk to him? Yeah. No. It's Bert. Bert is the one who ratted her out. Oh, man. I'm getting there.

Oh, I got you. I got you i got you all right so so bingo said what you told me is hey why can't you just do a podcast where they decide who i'm with motherfucker man i literally i'm sure bingo is hearing this going that was a secret Bert Bingo's not we were in the car we had a beautiful conversation and she just said and I just think those things are whispered to the angels

and I share them with the angels and she said I wish they could just get together and do a podcast and figure it out for me and I was like I feel like that all the fucking time and then I talked out for me. And I was like, I feel like that all the fucking time. And then I talked to you this morning and I was like, man, I just wish you guys could do a podcast. And holy shit, now it's fucking happening.

Yes. It took me five beers to realize, wait, that's a perfect idea. How did you get a hold of him? By fucking Mockingbird? Well, no, no. Her phone, she left her phone behind, and her phone kept blowing up. And I go, this goes back to last night with Chad and being a diplomat.

I go, should I be a diplomat? Because this is my worst fear with a girlfriend just abandoning me. Should I be a diplomat and do the right thing and call, or should I just take some kind of happiness in his misery that he has no idea where she is? You're better than I am. I would have texted back, sorry, I picked the other guy. Is he there right now? Yes, he's here. I'm right to text it back. Sorry I picked the other guy. He's here right now?

Yes, he's here. I'm right here, man. That's Willie. I'm right here. How you doing, buddy? Hi, Willie. How you doing? I'm doing okay.

I'm doing okay. I got a bottle in front of me. I'm a happy man. Oh, nice. Except I'm wondering where Bingo's at. That OK Corral accent. No, he's not Leon Redbone, but he's very similar. Good, good.

Is he white? Yeah. That comes up a lot. No, I am white, but I'm from Louisiana. So there might be some cross. What the fuck does that matter anyway? Who are you we're white supremacists if nothing else Jesus we have

standards you gotta release this podcast today it'll be perfect I insist Bert I'll call you after we're done and uh thank you for the limited information how much shit did she have in the tahoe we need to know that uh a guitar a backpack a blanket

a cooler a couple coolers and uh you know what's so funny not so funny but like i was thinking about leaving my cell phone in there because i was like it's only like 600 bucks to me and then someone would be able to get in touch with her because i didn't know what she was heading off to but i was like i was like i should definitely give her some cash like and then i totally forgot literally i totally forgot like i was like see you later bingo goodbye i gotta make sure i get first class i love her she is such a sweet human being honestly I had such a great conversation with her

I feel horrible for ratting her out I really do, I love bingo but I'm glad everyone cares about her I hope she knows that beautiful, I'll call you after this is done yeah, call me a rookie I gave you credit right off the fucking bat this is Bert Kreischer's idea.

It took me five beers to realize it's brilliant. I'm still drinking, dog. I'm still drinking. Everyone's still fucking giggling that was here about you. Oh, and go to my Twitter, and you'll find fucking toothless homeless caveman Joe on Fox News in Bisbee. The guy from last night, go to my Twitter. I'm going on right now. I love you, bye.

I love you too, bye. By the way, Bert's a good guy. He doesn't know who he is. He's just a comic that every comic friend of mine threatens i'll come down and visit you one day but then it's such a pain in the ass to get here they don't right christ you did i know i got friends like that all over the country the world i'm gonna be there you live in france you're not gonna be here shut up it's not a drop in right right not exactly on the beaten path here oh so maybe we turn this into a uh uh the bachelor

where bingo has to select us on oh she has one of your rows. Oh, shit. Flips that coin. I said this on the Chrysler podcast, but the police sergeant, you know his name. Yeah. We won't use it. We won't. He came over. He's like, hey, are you around today?

And I said, yeah. He said, is it okay if I stop by for a second and i went yeah and i know i'm from the deli section right yep and i know i know i'm from other places but yeah still just knowing that a cop is on his way even though he you, he just he'd heard that we had a breakup, so he came over to show support. The cops come to my house to give me a hug. This is a great

fucking town. Yeah, we live in a good spot, man. Yes. Any shit I talk about you, which I try to keep miniscule. You can blow it up. I don't give a fucking rat's ass. No, no.

It's always a calamity. I'm fucking 50 years old. How old are you? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to stop. I'm going to go 44. All right.

I like that caliber. Am I within two years? Because that's how carnivals work. Yep. Yes, you are. I fucking nailed this every time. 43. 43. God damn it.

I'm like fucking 100 and fucking nothing. I'm like the best winning record on this game. I'm sorry, Willie. You don't get to pick one of the stuffed animals on the lower row. It's alright. I'm used to that man so i yeah i guess at some point we'll do a follow-up to this i don't know i want bingo back

obviously but i won't pressure her because it's going to be her decision and she's easily malleable you can coerce her into doing pretty much anything. No, man, I want you to know that I've never tried to coerce her into doing anything. No, I don't think you ever have. But she's doing well. Like you say, when we started this thing out, yes, I've been in love with Bingo since the day I met her. But I've never pushed any buttons or pushed anything

out of respect. I don't think you have. That's why we're having a great time. I don't think that's ever been brought up. It got brought up with Steve Drew. Well, I don't know the conversation you guys had, but I mean, in talking with other people, because I mean...

It's cocaine. There was a lot of words. Yeah, well, mean, in the talking with other people, because I mean... It's cocaine. There was a lot of words. Oh, right. Yeah, well, that'll happen. But I never, I don't give a shit if this thing's on or not. I'm talking to you. I don't, I never have done anything to disrespect throughout this whole business, you know. No one's even talked shit about you. i don't care if you do or not you can talk shit all day long i don't care i'm fucking what am i outhouse willie i don't care i i give a rat's ass for the podcast okay sure make it funny for the

pod well hello folks you know but i don't give a rat's ass about what y'all think. I really don't. I care about the people that I love, and I'll take a bullet for the people I love, hands down, any moment, any part of the day. That's why Chad Shank's not invited to this. Hold on a second. Listen, I think you do. You care about what Doug thinks.

I do. You respect him. That's what I'm saying. So don't say you don't care about him. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the opposite, bro. That's what I'm saying. I do't say you don't care about it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's the opposite, bro. That's what I'm saying. I do care about you.

You don't care about gossip. You care about the principles, the people that are involved. And I'm getting that. I'm totally getting that. And this would not happen unless Doug thought there was something in there in you. This would not have. Why would Doug call, like, even answer the phone? Right.

No, you're absolutely correct. I may have positioned that wrong. No, I wanted to make sure everyone was crystal on this because that's the way this is all played. After four beers, and today was going to be the start of my sober day. There's been so much shit going on. This was it?

This was the day? Actually, we're still kind of sober. It can still happen. The bingo thing happened. As quick as I can. And Chrysler called, and bingo's not coming back, or she might come back, and she left her phone, and I'm not supposed to tell you.

I went, this was supposed to be the day I started three weeks of trying to cut down on the smoking and the drinking and tell the homeless people. Tracy, I need some smokes. I'm going to cut down on the smoking and the drinking. Right. Tell the homeless people. Tracy, I need some smokes. And here's your fourth shot of Jameson. Well, it's only a half shot. Welcome to sobriety.

I can't deal with this. That's why we're letting James. Let's just make it funny. It's either fun or funny. That's how I look at every day of my life. It's either fun or it's fucking funny. Glad you're here, sir. Thanks for having me, Bill.

Thanks for having me. Yeah, no one knows how this is going to end. And as we've said for many podcasts since the first one where Bingo and I did the breakup on the air. Yeah. This podcast isn't over. Probably won't be for a while. Well, I don't think it's, just for me, I don't think it's, it doesn't seem like a breakup to me.

I mean, you guys are going to be part of each other's lives forever. You're best friends, you know, and you need each other. I'm not going to stand in the way of that, man. I absolutely know every reason that she would have to stray. I'm against me as much as anyone. I hear that. You're her biggest enemy? I hear you there, bro.

Yeah, she has shit she has to get out. We all do. We all do. Yep. No, I mean, artistically. Yep. Nope. get out. We all do. We all do. Artistically. I hear you. I'm not fostering of that.

I'm sorry. She doesn't walk the fucking dogs. I walk the dogs. I would have fostered your thing. Put that thing in. You say foster, but do you mean you don't nurture that? Nurture. Okay. Yeah.

Because I'm trying to. Is that a different? Hey, you're the English major. Traley. Traley? Traley. That works. Traley.

You're Traley now. Yes, the Traleys. But, I mean, we talked about it earlier in that her creative side has definitely bloomed. Her confidence has fucking skyrocketed off the fucking chart. Love it. And you've not only noticed it, you've applauded it. And that's one of those things where like,

she said that she's recognizing that, or he's recognizing that that's something that he obviously hasn't nurtured in the past. I know it because I don't understand any of it. She, she says that to me, she, she says to me all the time, how, how time how caring and how much you're there for her,

you know, right now through these last couple of months. You know, and she doesn't never hesitate to, you know, anytime when the phone rings and it says Stan, Stan Hope, she's answering that motherfucker. Do you know what your name is in her phone? Because I've been watching it blow up. Willie or is it no.

Well, Steve Drew was the last guy she was in love with, but he was not responsive to her love. He's Herbie He. I know that one. What does that mean? No, I don't know. I don't know. No, tell me. Well, let's build it up a little. Oh, I'm sorry.

What's Herbie He? That's Steve. But what does that mean? That's his name, how she has him in the phone. But there's no background to that? I have no idea. I never asked. But I would see what it lit up. And today, you have lit

up a million times a buttercup. Yeah, that's what she called me, Buttercup. And in fact, not only that's what she called me, but that's what all Frenchie, the girl with the plaque, that's what all the old-timers at the bar called me now is Buttercup. Because of bingo? Because of bingo.

And I'm good with that. I have this reputation of being some badass, I'll kick your ass guy. And I will if you piss me off, but I'm not that person. Exactly. Right there is exactly where Chad Shank shouldn't be here. Because Chad Shank would take that as a personal. Well, you know, I don't give a, like I said, a rat's ass about what anybody thinks about me. I care about, and like I said, I said before, I'll lay down, I'll take a bullet for anybody that I love all day long. And we love the same girl.

And maybe this podcast ends with a coin flip. Oh, let's do that. Let's do that. Let's do the coin flip, but we won't release the results. I might have a coin. No, we've got the official bar coin. Bingo has to do it. Oh, Bingo has to do it.

When Bingo comes back. I got you. I got you. Okay. I really hope. I know. I know that the listeners and we have a shit load

are going to appreciate this podcast more than you will ever know I will never know because I'll never listen to it no you won't because we're in it I don't have a computer or anything hey by the way Doug if we could get a moment to do our sponsor, Ashley Madison.

Can you do the read? Just kidding. This is what the cop you know who I'm talking about brought over to me. It was so fucking cool that the cops came to my house and he gave me

this. He's like, yeah. You know when you get dumped and they go, oh, you just need some strange and he just brings you some weird I don't need strange. I've had strange. I'm good.

But he hung out with her for a couple hours. I want to make sure the girl's good. And that's why I love that you love her. That's the thing. The thing, the important thing, the utmost importance is bingo's happiness and where the fuck is bingo. So if you change your mind, fellas, and you want to take a road trip, I've been on the road my whole life, and I don't mind taking a week or two off.

She can go east. She can go west. So can we. It's all up to me to decide Sorry this is Bob Seger right there Late Bob Seger when he was unpopular You should be sorry I can't think of a better way to spend my birthday

I like Bob Seger Oh yeah we gotta fucking talk about his birthday No I like road trip That sounds like a great fucking We're gonna find her on What route I don't know we'll find her we got i mean there's only so many destinations we just we just need to like every goddamn road in this country we need to lock in yes but we don't know the one she's on but we can i i can i i could travel from here to boston Vermont to Wyoming without looking at a fucking map or having GPS.

I've done 25 years of driving every... I've driven every kind of rig that's ever been made. Go ahead. Driven all the back roads, I wouldn't get way. But Lord, if you give me weed, whites, and wine And you show me a sign Lord, I'll be willing to be moving That's right, sir. Thank you. guitar solo Did you eat in that Italian restaurant tonight, friend?

All right. Sort of like that scene in Lady and the Tramp. It is, yeah. With the spaghetti and the doodogs. I love that scene. Yeah, me too. I love it. guitar solo guitar solo Thank you.