The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #131: Bingo Update & Kenny 4 Mayor

Episode Date: March 14, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble   A Bingo Update & Kenny 4 Mayor. Recorded Mar. 13, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Brett Erickson (@brettnotbrent), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP) & Kenny (@cstlrckkenny). Engineer - Shawnee Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille) LINKS:Paint Your Wagon - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0idoJnBAvk @kenny4mayor : Twitterhttps://twitter.com/kenny4mayorkenny4mayor.com Websitehttp://www.kenny4mayor.com/ Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool - https://www.dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleBrian Hennigan's book, "Patrick Robertson: A Tale Of Adventure" Available now -http://ataleofadventure.com/Closing song, "Hey Dude!", by The Mattoid. Platt Saddle background music - Slow Trail Homehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KI7slm3RPyA . Available on iTunesDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

this episode of the Doug Stanhope podcast is brought to you by Adderall and uh uh tingling in my left arm and a tightening of my chest oh my gosh oh oh and uh to I think it's uh tim and eric my gutty works aren't working right i i really like the new sponsor adderall of the podcast by the way i was gonna say i was gonna give props but we'll just adderall jack he's uh in the acknowledgments of my book hey pre-order my book right now just google it it's called digging up mother and pre-order my book right now. Just Google it. It's called Digging Up Mother, and pre-order it from whatever comes up. Amazon, Barnes & Noble.

I guess they get cunty about this kind of thing. You can't just keep plugging one site instead of the other. I don't know. Just fucking Google it and order it. I need it. I need you, you cocksuckers, to pre-order the book. Actually, I gotcksuckers, to pre-order the book. At Atlanta? Actually, I got an email from, I forget the name of the bookstore in the Bisbee Convention Center.

I love they call it a convention center. It's barely a strip mall. But yeah, she said, hey, will you do a book signing here when the book comes out? Yeah, it'd be really fucking awkward. But the fact that you would ask me because Atalanta wouldn't even carry my fucking DVDs. So anyway, Chad Shank is here. Brett Erickson is here.

Castle Rock Kenny is here. And Shawnee is here as your de facto Greg Chaley, who's on the lambs. So if you're ordering merch, people said, hey, I just ordered this T-shirt. Should have got it overnight so I could wear it to church on Sunday. I'm like, you're not getting a fucking T-shirt for a month. Chaley's gone until end of March, April. All right, let's, oh, hang on.

Let me kill this fucking TV Just move your head, Kenny Pain in the ass Hey, what? Here, kill time, Erickson While I get a cigarette I'll kill time by trying to turn all these TVs off There's one That's the only one with sound Erickson while I get a cigarette. I'll kill time by trying to turn all these TVs off.

There's one. Originally this was supposed to be a Traley Brechel swap cast in which I was going to do Shaley's job and Carrie Mitchell, a very capable bartender, was going to do Tracy's job and she's jumped right in but I can't do Shaley's job so Shawnee's here and

also if you order merch, I'm not sending it to you. There you go. Shaley will do it when he gets back. Well, at least half of the plan worked out. Because I haven't been here for very long, and I have a good buzz. Terry's been making some good drinks. And the Adderall from Adderall Jack is starting to kick in. So, we figured, let's just jump into this.

I keep writing down notes, but we're not going to get to it. Have you ever heard the legend of Adderall Jack? Tell us. Improv. Have you heard the story of Adderall Jack? Some said he was white, but we thought he was black. They said he twernt nice,

but he did go for ice. He left and he never came back. That was Kenny-style rhyming, but slower. Well, he's mostly limerick now. Those were the two jokes that we came up with when Adderall Jack was actually here, too. Oh, yeah, I barely remember the last week. We tried to write an epic poem about him, but it only came out to be a limerick.

That was as much as we could do. It's an epic limerick. That was good. You remember it. That's kind of noteworthy. Let me just get the bingo shit out of the way, because I thought by now she'd be back, and we could wrap this all up

in a neat little package. Don't know what that's from. But she's not. She got held up in those Louisiana floods. So she's somewhere in West Texas. She'll be here in a day or so. So here's what happens. A lot of people I don't think listened

past the song on Bingo Disappears Part 2. We played a song because as soon as we ended that podcast, she called in and we hit record again and played her on speakerphone. Said, don't say

a thing, Bingo. Wait till we hit record. What's going on and she said i'm in new orleans i'm sorry i shouldn't fuck you guys over like that so uh i flew out there because she took this piece of shit car had no fucking phone had trouble with it like you said new water pump but she had friends out there she She was in New Orleans in a safe place where she has friends. So I flew out there. I don't remember a lot of the five days I was there. But I think we got back together.

Pretty sure that. I remember, I know we crashed an open mic night that I wish I could remember the name of I'd give you a plug but after a long day of day drinking we went to some bar right by the hotel I don't even remember what hotel I stayed in

it's fucking there's a lot of chaos and it's like I don't know 10 in the morning we ate some breakfast and went to the bar across the street and it's just like three dudes in there and one of them's in a suit but he's fucked and he's got two friends and then there's some corn road black guy sitting next to him that keeps helping helping him go to the atm oh yeah, yeah. That's his drug dealer. Yeah, that's how I don't remember a lot of the rest of the...

Because then, you know, bingo scopes this out, and I scope this out. Turned into a long day, and then a long night. Then we're back together. Then the next day, she had stayed up all night.

I went to this open mic, made a fucking asshole of myself, like took it over. I really apologize to everyone involved. I hope it was fun for you to watch me in the middle of a fucking nervous breakdown, happy ever after kind of moment. And then she stayed up all night with her friends there, and the next morning we're back together, and she's going to drive back with the Tahoe. She says, you just fly back. I'm driving back because my friends are going to go to a Bruce Springsteen concert

in Phoenix, so I'll be back by Friday. Now it sounds like a bad idea. Bruce. Anytime a Bruce Springsteen concert is involved, you've made a terrible decision. Well, the thing is, Bingo's still confident, let's say. She has a head full of confidence that this plan is going to happen. Well, her two friends have buyer's remorse going,

I guess we're all gacked up and say we're going to drive to Phoenix. I can't get the time off. By then, i've already flown home she calls he goes yeah they decided they can't get the time off of work to drive back so i flew wash tub willie out to new orleans to drive back with me in the tahoe like i should have never fucking left. Everything was fine. Everything was good. And I just, oh, no, we get this covered.

Not that a 35-hour drive was appealing. So washed up Willie gets out there. Well, they spend a couple extra days. Then flooding, massive flooding comes across Louisiana. So they get stuck there. And it's legit legit it even made local weather tucson local news weather how fucked louisiana was all right so she's still not back i get back on monday night and today is saturday flood isn't that big Either way She's not back

And now You know she's got that Fucking week With Washtub Willie You get that Stockholm Syndrome shit going on Are we gonna be together When she gets here?

We don't know So that's it. The point is, bingo is safe. That's the thing, though. That's definitely not it. You can't just say what you just said and be like, well, so that's the end of the story, everyone. No, that's it for this podcast.

That is the soap opera portion of this podcast. Update to this point. She has been checking in. Every time she checks in in she talks about plans for the future with us and the i love yous and so uh i don't know i just i everyone that listened to those first two podcasts keeps what the fuck is going on with bingo well that's what i know right now as far as i know we're back together and uh if we're not uh i i've been uh i've been trying to pick up on that uh what's her name jessamine jessamine duke jessamine duke chad shank brought over the uh invicta

chick fights the praying mantis the Invicta chick fights. The praying mantis of Invicta. Give them a plug because I don't know. You have it on a – It's on UFC Fight Pass. It's a subscription. You pay like $6.99 a month, and you have access to all of the – Is that like Hulu?

You had to bring some box over. Yeah, I brought my Apple TV over because it just makes it easiest that way. But you can – $6.99 a month, you have all the access to all the UFC fights. You can watch pay-per-view fights and shit. And it was fun. It was a fucking great Friday night. I lost a lot of money. That's for sure.

Yeah, she's a little blonde. I don't remember her weight class. I think she was 134.6 pounds at weigh-in. But who's counting? She's tall. She looks kind of like Bingo's sister. If Bingo's sister had an eating disorder. She wore a bikini.

Yeah. Oh, my God. With OC on her coochie. So I've been tweeting her all day drinking mimosas. Hey, saw your fight last night. Want to have mimosas and do joe rogan's podcast thought that was the name to drop you're hitting on as she got her ultimate fighter a person sponsored by one of joe rogan's well she did get her ass beat but i wanted to catch her when she had low self-esteem vulnerable point good point but I wanted to catch her when she had low self-esteem.

Vulnerable. Good point. Good point. Wakes up all fucking black eyed. Oh, someone tweeted me. That's verified. Maybe I'll have to settle for less. You'll never get a winner.

You must have the same trainer as me. So, yeah. So that's the that's the bingo that we know so far her head is good she's not suicidal and uh i will keep you updated on the next podcast uh watch paint your wagon if you've never seen the cowboy musical Paint Your Wagon, be sure to watch that. It's my prediction. Spell it out.

Who did we say it was? Lee Marvin, Clint Eastwood, musical western where they're in a mining camp with no women, and one of them buys a woman at auction, and they both decide to share her. This does sound exactly like everything that happens in business. That's just about. Well, Bisbee, known for stealing other towns' catchphrases, like, keep Bisbee weird.

You know what they say in Bisbee? You don't lose your girl, you lose your turn. I'm like, all right. So I just keep looking at all your wives going, when's my turn with that one? Oh, no. That'll be Kenny's mayoral slogan. Paint your wagon here in Bisbee.

We'll get to that. I want to get to you. I was trying to segue fucking crazy uh bingo into your uh i don't know what podcast we talked about you both doing your uh your crazy paperwork paperwork yeah where you have to sit down oh that was your breakdown spins you off into a fucking meltdown yeah yeah i never finished it or sent it in how many pages did you get? I don't know. Can't you have your kids do your homework for you? Just fill out the first box of everything.

Anyways, now I have to go to a review. The psychologists have to do a new review. I bet you'll win that one. The last time it was a lady and I scared her. So it ended real quick. We'll see how it goes this time. So you had

VA? No, VA is done. I'm disabled lifetime as far as the VA is concerned. I don't ever have to go back in for a review. So they have to shop you locally? This is Social Security. Whenever I got the VA stuff went through, the congressman is actually the one that did my paperwork,

and they pushed through Social Security. So I got on Social Security Disability as well. So I have to go do a review to see if I'm still crazy. Can we put a GoPro on you? On him. That would be a fucking great per periscope yeah could you do like i don't know if this is a two-party consent state where you can actually periscope something secretly like that there will there would be a obviously a reasonable expectation of privacy doctor's office but but for you, not the doctor.

But not from the doctor. It would work in my favor as far as looking like a fucking lunatic. If I'm like, do you mind if I just periscope this real quick? Just have a pocket. Exactly. Or we could get the... Hey, I get everything on tape because the fucking government's going to chip in my fucking skin and they're tracking me.

My wife was worried. She's, you still didn't fill out that paperwork. And I'm like, not being able to finish it is a big part of what the fuck's wrong with me. You didn't fill this out. You passed. Doc, I could not concentrate long enough to fill this out. Could you please prescribe me some Adderall? You have a GoPro clipped to your tinfoil hat.

You're fucking good. You're good. You're good. The last time I did such a good job, I scared the lady, and they won't send my money to me. They send it to my wife. Now, that actually just does sound like sound economic policy to me. I don't mind.

Actually, I know you. She pays my bills. I have impulse control. Right. Perfect. It's not good for me to have money. After the pilot we filmed, I got to write Chad Shank a check, but you told me that. I go, I don't know if he even has a bank account.

I think his wife, I'll just give him cash. So when's that happen? The 19th. A few days before I have to go to Daytona. By the way, this hopefully... Which means that I have to... Because I might be having a good day that day. And if I'm having a good day that day, that doesn't play out in my favor.

We got to make him have a bad day. So I have to induce my worst feelings so that I can explain to them how it is when it's bad. Which means then I have to pull back out of that in fucking four days and go to Daytona and hang out with you guys. It's kind of like acting. It's exactly like acting. You just hold on yourself. The problem is, hopefully, Chaley edits that. That just proves he's crazy.

Only a crazy person would admit that it's all bullshit. All she needs is a good lawyer. Jay say, Jay Kirshner, ladies and gentlemen. How aboutay say jay kirshner ladies and gentlemen how's that how about a plug for jay kirshner did you get into a dui did you uh uh the finger banging underage girl did you did you do something awful call jay kirshner don't call sal call jay you had me at DUI, but you brought it home on finger banging young girl. All right. That's it. Yeah, that's Daytona.

There's a lot of kerfuffle hopefully will be cleared up by the time this airs. The comedy club in Daytona that me and Chad Shank and the Chaley's and Andy Andrus, Sean Rouse and Junior Stopka are all planning to be at for five days. Club closed. Wouldn't you? Oh, no. Touché. So I've been getting lots of tweets because we've already been promoting the fact that I'm just going for my birthday

to see the biggest fucking... I hate the... Dude, I follow all of it, and you're definitely expected to be doing some time at these shows. And that's through nothing that any of the performers have said. You're going to be doing a show on the beach

or in your hotel room. I will do exactly what I did in New Orleans at that open mic, which is just fucking host it and ruin it. Halfway through that open mic... Well, then what are Andy and Sean and Junior going to do? Sorry, I'm taking their jobs. Oh, shit. I realized you have no mic.

I've been talking to you a lot. I realized you have no mic. I was trying to share it with him earlier, and he didn't want to. He'll jump on. He knows. So they will have a venue somewhere that weekend. It might be the same place. What happened is the comedy club, The Joke Factory, just pulled out.

The bar is still open and still has a stage. We don't need the name Joke Factory, but everyone that's calling the hotel, oh, that club's closed. Yeah, The Joke Factory found cheaper comedians in Mexico, so they are outsourcing all their comedy. But there's a lot of people that are road tripping to this show. Show up. It'll be at someone's house if nowhere else. But there's a lot of people that are road tripping to this show. Show up.

It'll be at someone's house if nowhere else. Someone tweeted, hey, we could do it at our house, and we even have podcasting equipment. I'm like, yeah, footnote. Chaley, take note. If nowhere else, we'll do it on the fucking beach. I don't care. We'll be somewhere.

They have nowhere else to go. already bought tickets i have so today so that's uh march 25 26 in daytona and it's the la playa hotel the bars at the fucking roof i played that fucking dump oh my god that's great great. Just a relic of... How's that spelled? Relic? No. La Playa. I can spell relic, I think.

I think, but La Playa, is it... Playa. Playa. See, I would automatically want to say La Playa. Yeah, I guess you would. It's automatic. That's why we want to run you for mayor. Castle Rock, Kenny, if you have to go back and stop right now and listen to the castle rock kenny podcast where he talks about his infamy in

this town kenny when you meet kenny you would assume he's a tweaker he's got X tweaker written all over him, and it's profiling works. Yep. He's not lying. Yeah, he caused a bit of a commotion here in this small town by trying to jump off Castle Rock in a police standoff. I won. So, yeah, but he's cleaned up. He's a fucking good dude now, but he's still known for that.

And there's a mayoral race here come november and actually august well actually you know i don't i'm hoping i don't win by august if i win i want to win by november you're a little out over your skis right now we haven't even announced your candidacy. See, as you guys are laughing at me... No, we're laughing with you. For you. At me, for me.

It's laughing against you. Hey, you'll be voting for me, though. I hope. I got riders, and it'll all work out. If not, I'll just dress up like a gorilla. I wish I had Googled the stats of how many people voted for mayor last election, but it's only like 400 and something.

I just want you guys to know Adderall is not doing the same thing for me as it's doing for you. We're talking about you. You don't have to chime in. Making us interesting? Well, yeah. I think I predicted that. Remember I told you that Kenny's supposed to be prescribed this? It's not going to affect him the same way.

Yeah. So there's a situation where in Bisbee, there's a horrible, horrible woman that her life is spent writing letters to the editor and showing up at city council complaining about everything. And whether the issue goes her way or against her, once it's settled, she'll have a new issue. It started with civil unions. once it's settled, she'll have a new issue. It started with civil unions. She was against them and quoting scripture at the fucking, and then writing to the Bisbee Observer and clogging up the letters to the editor.

So now I heard she's running for mayor, and I swore I would never do it. I don't want to shit where I eat. I already think everyone hates me at Safeway. If they look at me too long and i don't recognize them and they don't smile like oh they fucking hate me they saw me a youtube clip i don't i don't want to run for mayor but i will sponsor castle rock kenny for mayor and he says he'll do it. I'm in like Flynn. We're going to,

we're going to write him. This is what we're pitching is a, and share the mic. If you have an idea is like, just like five bullet points, just like every other politician, every presidential candidate just recycles the same five beats, build a wall, create jobs,

but we'll give Kenny just some ridiculous, the same five beats, build a wall, create jobs. But we'll give Kenny just some ridiculous, unattainable, reopen the mine. We're going to turn the mines into wheeze. Yes. It was a mine generation in the 70s. That's all you got to do. Also. There's no E in mines.

Also. Wait, wait, there's one. The speed trap is going to go away. We will raise the speed limit around the pit. Okay, everyone... By the police station, yeah. By the police station. All that is going to change when I...

Don't worry, we'll write for you. Oh, he's a shoo-in. This is already won you've already won like you said before if you haven't won by August well the prelims are in August if you can get 50% of the vote

that's why all my listeners one pre-order the book Digging Up Mother because it's important for fucking like the rankings and fucking the numbers count i pre-ordered it today to be a number i don't have a credit card i knew i could get one from you but so i pre-ordered it in my mind if that counts can i get you to pre-order what don't ever talk off the teleprompter. My bad. We'll give you your bullet points, Kenny.

But the second thing is move to Bisbee. I was just going to say, honestly, how long do you have to live in Bisbee before you can vote in the election? Because there's enough empty houses here that a bunch of Doug Stanhope fans could move here for like two weeks before the election. Everyone would move here simply to live here for two weeks to vote for Kenny

for mayor. Technically. And this is not counting the, not counting the shitty Dell, the quiet house, the Chaley's house, the Bisbee grand. This just here is technically four lots,

even though it's just one address. So I could put three more mailboxes up. Lots of people could be living here. And they kind of are. Honestly, I mean, if only four or five hundred people vote total, you don't need that many to

push it over the top to make Kenny the fucking mayor of this town. And enough people that locally would be in on the joke. Already. Well, first of all, there's got to be a good portion of the people who live here who actually think kenny would be a good mayor let's not discount that no they did vote in ron earthly boom bam local reference i i we have to talk to some of our insiders about exactly how that would work. If we got Kenny elected, what would he actually have to know or do other than just show up?

Hopefully I have a secretary. I think Mayer pays $400 a month. That's about what I make. That's about what I make. Yeah, that's double your salary. You have to show up one Tuesday a month. That's about what I make. That's about what I make. Yeah, that's double your salary. You have to show up one Tuesday a month. I'm balling. All you really have to do

is just run the meetings, the city council meetings. There's a few other things, but really, that's basically what you have to do is just learn the rules of order. So I can have a hint. But if you stink at it, someone's going to be in charge of what he stinks at this. No. Oh yeah, no.

It'll be covered. Just every time someone says anything, say, can I get a second? That's how a meeting works. Simple. Everyone will think you know what you're talking about. If Kenny has to run the meeting, I'm saying that rules him out right away. No. No.

No. Absolutely not. Let's be quiet. Let Kenny show us. No, absolutely not. Let's be quiet. Let Kenny show us. Look, all I can think of is I would tell them they have to give me a second while I talk to my constituents as I text message them to get my answer.

And then he would talk to a sock puppet on his hand that he called constituents. What should I do, constituents? Just write shit on a yellow legal pad for him to say. Or I'd have an earphone. Oh, yeah, yeah, IFB. We could just talk to him. See, they're smart. Like Letterman sending somebody through the drive-thru.

Cyrano de Bergerac. Bam! How about that? The references were dated last night but that's a callback to last night's dated references sirino just just speaking to his fucking earpiece yes i just have somebody telling me what to say and every time they'd be watching right there they could be in the room uh yeah, go ahead and tell them we're going to pass that and we're not going to talk about that anymore. I don't know.

You can give Kenny all the earpieces and yellow notepads you want. He's going to go off of what you tell him. It would be like the fat kid on the original man show where they would just have him say shit at a lemonade stand inappropriately to older women can you get that kid it's not a bisbee resident nor is that fucking jessamine duke i'm trying to fucking hook up with this chick i don't think she trains here anyway uh we got high altitude it's a good place we'll work out the kinks what what we need is we get to get because kenny has to play this straight he can't have goofy ideas because then they're thinking oh

he's trying to be funny with this i I just can't talk. Real ideas that idiots would believe, like Donald Trump, not necessarily right wing, but hey, we're going to get Ford to bail out of Detroit and come here. Something that, and a moron might go, well, that'd be good for Bisbee. I got another one. We're going to bring back the adult coaster races.

You know? Yeah. Somebody died the last time they had one. Come on. That's full-on drama right there. Who's going to get run over next by a steel freaking car with weights in it? Yeah, see, it's not sounding good the more you talk about it.

I'm not going to bring up... Actually, no. Kenny's right on this. Kenny, that is something that people would say, hey, stop with all the more you talk about it. I'm not going to bring up... Actually, no. Kenny's right on this. Kenny, that is something that people would say, hey, stop with all the safety issues on the coaster race. I'm not politically correct. I'm for bringing back the aluminum coaster races. No, they're not aluminum.

They're steel. Breakless. They were steel, and they were adults with weighted front ends, and they were flying down the canyon. It was awesome. Yeah, they did kill a chick. One went off the rails

coming down Tombstone Canyon and killed a girl. So, yeah, that's workable. When soapbox races go bad. Was she the mayor? Probably wasn't that important then. Make Kenny the mayor. We'll come up with... We could announce your mayoral campaign by putting you in a steel coaster

and sending you down Main Street. No, put me on top of Castle Rock. No, no, this is where we have to play it straight. You're right. Where you go to the senior center. Oh, perfect. And you have bingo. You actually run for mayor.

You just actually run for mayor. Again, we'll give you five bullet points at the senior center all you can eat pancake breakfast on a saturday and you go hey how many people uh here are on disability you don't want to lose that disability vote for me i'm castle rock kenny and and then just uh five of those just directly hey you know where that pancake is buttered? Castle Rock. Five things you have to just memorize and say or just read off paper, and then we leave. It's also because it kind of comes down to the fact that if we actually try to have him run for mayor,

that anyone who actually tries would probably win because it's just trying it's just like going around and talking to everybody telling them what they want to hear which no one else is going to do set them up a booth at the farm is going to do that so just like that you win another i have one thing you do have to get signatures to run to actually be able to run i have no shush shush we'll take care shush. We'll take care of the problem. Okay. We'll take care of the problem. That's the other drunken idea that I like better than this one but actually can coincide that you had was to – The farmer's market.

Yes. Yeah. We talked about that this morning. Oh, I saw you egg roll right next to the egg roll lady? Okay. Hey, don't get ahead of yourself, Kenny. Don't say the punchline before – Help him out.

Kenny will call on you when you're needed. Just like the president. Kenny is a vessel through which much of the comedy passes. But he confuses that sometimes.

We'll Dick Cheney you through this whole entire process. As soon as you're actually in Kenny, then you can freestyle at the invocation for the first meeting. That's when you take over. We're grooming you.

Okay. First thing Kenny says, well, I got to shave. No. No. You have to look like that. Dollar store sweatpants, an oversized t-shirt, and a backwards hat.

Fucking a beard that goes down to your chest. And I have six chest hairs. It's fucking perfect. For the prospector vote. So, yeah, we'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around.

We'll pitch this around. We'll pitch this around. No, the farmer's market idea. Oh, you want to... Wait, listen. Well, I thought you were going to tell us. It was your idea. I didn't know if we were going to say it on the podcast before we just did it. Well, yeah, because a shitload of podcast listeners

shop at the farmer's market. That'll blow the whole joke. People still... We've talked about the rumor mill in this town and Johnny Depp is buying the loma linda and we're buying the shady dell we talk about it it doesn't diminish the rumors so the people that are listening to this will be in on the joke it's not like the opposite campaign is gonna if we try this and goat cheese john turns out to be like hey everyone, everyone, this is a scam. They're not really doing this.

Then I'll be right. Listen, I can take care of goat cheese John. The current mayor hangs around like, again, I always give credit to Brendan Walsh, like a gum chewing teenager in front of the fucking stop and go and just hangs out and talks to whoever because he lives behind the baseball field in some duplex and he just stands at night alone in front of the stop and go and talks to anyone whether he's the mayor or not for the 10 years i've lived here so if you asked the mayor today what a podcast is, he would have a call to the public at council to answer the question because he wouldn't know. So I think we're good. And we don't get around completing projects like this.

So the idea is? The idea is we're running Kenny for mayor. We were talking about the farmer's market idea with Kenny. Yeah, there's two of the candidates. One that's running for mayor against the current mayor and one of the council people. Every Saturday, they're there. They have their own little table.

They talk to people. Kenny should have his own booth running for mayor. But this started last night where Kenny kind of looks like any given race. When the room was pulled, nobody knew. It wasn't a general consensus. Aren't you part Mexican? No. If someone told you he was this, you'd go, oh, I can see that.

Armenian something? Kenny doesn't know what he is. Yeah. Well, Kenny's really upset about the situation in the Ukraine because you know he's Ukrainian. Oh, yeah. I kind of always saw that. I got away with black in high school.

That's how I made the basketball team. And your rap career, which is blossoming. And my rap career. So we were talking last night, shit-faced, watching Jessamine Duke. I can't plug her enough. Well, the girl last night did. That we

should set Kenny up with a what do you call it? What's the section in the grocery store? The ethnic section. Like, give him a booth every week at the farmer's market. You booth every week at the farmer's market you have to understand the farmer's market here is the exact same like dozen booths of the same shit for 10 years if nine of your moms showed up with the cookies they baked and set up tables

in an l shape that's the bisbee farmer's market on a Saturday morning. Right. So the idea was to give Kenny a booth of an ethnic type of... A falafel cart. Yeah, a falafel one week. Next week he's... Kenny's authentic blank. Portuguese. And you have some Portuguese wares or foodstuffs. And every week it's just Kenny sitting there saying he's that race.

What did you say last night? One week he's got euros. He's like shaving off fucking lamb for euros. Euros, yes. That was before we decided he should be mayor. We've been drinking a lot. I swear I don't remember most of this week i still have like a bag that's open that i came back from new orleans and i went i got back like monday or tuesday and this bag i

haven't even gone into like i'm wearing the same pajamas for a fucking i i bathed i was so drunk last night i took a bath knowing I would surprise myself in the morning. Going, oh, I bathed. How good of me. So I wouldn't feel bad about not doing it for yet another day. But I put the exact same pajamas I've been wearing for fucking 10 days right back on. So Kenny Vermeer, we should take a quick break because Joby just showed up. He's got some death pool news we've got to get out uh and i got some i get some notes i just i have death

written down here i didn't know you were coming uh it's been a long day hey let's uh let's take a quick break uh remember this podcast is sponsored by, please hold. Our guests today on the Doug Stano podcast are the folks from Platte Valley Saddle Shop here in Kearney, Nebraska. Let me give you a little insight into the Platte Valley Saddle Shop here in Kearney, Nebraska, making quality Western saddles. 71 years later, Lyle and Linda Henderson, our guests today, are continuing the tradition of making quality Western saddles. It would be their privilege to help you with all your Western saddle tack and saddle needs. Hey, Lyle and Linda, let me ask you a question as my guests on the podcast. Why a custom saddle, Linda?

The most common reason is fit. Archeries are custom made for the horse and the rider. Is that the only reason, Lyle? Another reason is quality. We use the best materials available on the market. And why else should people visit you at P.O. Box 1683, Kearney, Nebraska, 68848-1683? Well, the third reason is pride. A custom-made Henderson saddle will not be like any other saddle you have ever owned,

nor will it be like anyone else's saddle. It will be a work of art you will be proud to ride. That sounds fantastic. Hey, here's Brett Erickson with some more of the items you can get at Platte Valley Saddle Shop. Instock saddles, branch roping saddles, wade saddles, old-time slick work saddles, head stalls, stirrups, tapadarrows, curb straps, maketti, and slobber leathers, shoe fly, saddle pads, breast collars and martingales, burst straps, bags and plier carriers, night latch,

chinks, kids chinks, bucking rolls, cincha, branch ropes and raw high griotta, used saddles, one of a kind, leather cleaners and conditioners, bull saws, roll Rolls, Sincha, Ranch Ropes and Raw Hydriata, Used Saddles, One of a Kind, Leather Cleaners and Conditioners, Bozals, Roll Malls and Rain. So please give us a call today at the Platte Valley Saddle Shop. Call Linda or Lyle. They're always eager to please at 308-234-4015. 308-234-4015. Once again, that's area code 308-234-4015.

This is a toll call. Or just stop by our convenient location at P.O. Box 1683 Carney, Nebraska 68848. This message brought to you by Castle Rock Kinney for Mayor. This message brought to you by Castle Rock Kinney for Mayor. Hi, I'm Castle Rock Kinney, and I approve this message. Oh, geez. Hey, the first votes are in. Hey, I'm ready. Wait, hang on.

It's Just Jen. It's Just Jen. Just just Jen you're on the podcast who are you voting for for mayor of Bisbee I don't know fuck Castle Rock Kenny say Castle Rock Kenny say it

yeah that was the wrong call to take sorry say Castle Rock Kenny Jen oh Castle Rock Kenny of course. Oh, Castle Rock Kenny. Of course, if he's running, that's a no-brainer. He's running, and he's going to bring the mines back. He's going to bring Detroit back to Bisbee. He's got a lot of things.

Are you coming over? No-brainer is his slogan. Oh, that was fucking perfect. This message is brought to you by Castle Rock Kenny. All right, Jen, we're podcasting. Are you coming over? Yeah, I'll come over in a little bit. I'll see you in a while.

All right. You have a constituent, Kenny. All right. Joby is here. His mother's still alive at this uh but we have death pool news you want to step up and uh tell us what the fuck is going on we have spite pics yeah actually just a quick plug on uh the new league that's open up funeral home that's opened up, Doug Stanhope's Spite Picks. And I think that locks down on Friday the 18th, or it's next Friday. This is just for fun. If you want to play with me, you still have to pay like three bucks or something.

Yeah, just to get in for the year. But here's the deal with Spite Picks. We put a lot of effort into Death Pool, our own serious leagues, as you should if you're betting with your friends but when it comes to spite picks it's just people you would applaud being dead it's not people you're not trying to win you just want to feel good about being right about someone should be dead the one year i did play death pool and and it's what made me realize i'm not like you horrible horrible people is that i didn't enjoy it because i spent so much time researching

people who are dying i'm like oh god like and then i like you know i don't want to know who's going to die i just wanted to pick people randomly and be like oh shit ed asner died awesome whatever or whatever so you guys like are you guys are so into it that there's no way you can compete on that level unless you dive in to like who's dying yeah for some people who's that's just not a fun like for me that just wasn't fun but the spite pick idea is is what's great because all the people i did pick i only the reason i lost and got almost no points is because I only did a spite pool pick by myself. Like, oh, I'm going to pick Dick Cheney. And it made it fun because if any of them do die, you're like.

I try to go weird with my spite picks where people are like, oh, I forgot I hate that guy. Rather than just going Dick Cheney, George Bush. People are like, oh, I forgot I hate that guy. Rather than just going Dick Cheney, George Bush. I'm like, wait, who are the people that I hate? When you read my pics, when we all come out with our pics, you're like, oh, fuck, I never thought of the ShamWow guy I just thought of. It's too late.

Yeah, he's fantastic. A while back, Joby tweeted that somebody petitioned me to be in the death pool. Yes. Which I thought was pretty cool. And then after that, somebody tweeted, somebody hurry up and make him a Wikipedia page before the spite pool closes. That made me feel even better. I was like, yeah. All of a sudden, you're like Montgomery Burns.

I love it when a plan comes out. Not only do you get petitions. I'm new to developing this ego here, so to be hated is cool. You've made it. So go to dscdp.com, Doug Stanoff, celebritydeathpool.com. DSCDP is easier. And hurry up, because this is time-sensitive. Get on that, and I got some good spite.

Like a really good spite pool pick would be if he could make it into the database soon enough is the 78-year-old guy who sucker punched a protester at the Trump rally. Like he's probably not going to live that much longer and everyone would love to see it if that fucking dude dropped over dead. He's not famous.

Not yet. He just punched a guy. He might be. He's virally famous. He's trending. Probably not in the five days between the release of this podcast. He might punch another black person. We can only hope.

If you could get on the list for punching a guy, I'd already have a Wikipedia page. All right. Alright, so yeah, join up and we'll do something fun for the winner. Whoever wins, we'll give them a t-shirt and a bunch of schwag. Yeah, we got plenty of shit around here. I'll send you a suit. I don't know.

And the cool thing is, it can take 30 minutes to build a spite pick list. I mean, it doesn't take any research time at all. You already know who you want to fucking die. It's easier to do spite than this. That's what I mean. Honestly, the one year I did it, I didn't take any research time at all. You already know who you want to fucking die. It's easier to do spite than this. That's what I mean. That's what I mean. Honestly, the one year I did it, I didn't enjoy it because it just put my head into a whole different space than it had ever been in before.

And I personally actually didn't enjoy it. But spite picking was fun. Like, oh, I actually hope this fucker dies. Hate is so much easier. Hate is always easier. That's the day before my mental eval i'll spend all day before it closes down and looking up people i wish would die i uh i sat here for i think it took me 25 minutes to get 20 spite pics jen came over and i went hey i gotta do this

spite pick thing so since we're i've had a lot of people show up every hour. It's almost like I feel like I'm in an assisted living facility since I got back from New Orleans. But I really have been drinking the entire week I've been back. Because as soon as someone leaves, someone else shows up to make sure I'm okay. And then I have to drink to be social. But Jen was one of those people. And I'm like, hey, since you're here anyway, we're just going to go through spite pics.

Because I don't really have anything to talk about at 1.30 in the afternoon. So, yeah, it took me like 20 minutes. There's one I might have to change out for political reasons. Okay. But yeah, I got my 20 down. Good deal, yeah. I haven't even started

on mine yet. But I'll have them up in no time. Like I said, hate is easy. I know. There should be a t-shirt with your face on it and it should say hate is easy. I know. Hate is easy. There should be a T-shirt with your face on it, and it should say, hate is easy. Yes. And if you get in on the spite pics, tweet at me what you got.

Once they're all released and we see each other's pics, talk some shit with me on Twitter, because that's the best part of playing Death Pool, is shit talking. And tweet at them as well not just most importantly yeah tweet at them i was gonna do that before that joey feek died and then i figured that was kind of in poor taste so i didn't tweet at her but i was looking forward to the points yeah has that even been on a podcast where you showed me that? What, the blowfly?

Blowfly. He died in February. I saw that. And Joby, one of the nights I was hammered, he showed me where he tweeted just that blowfly died on the at Stan Hope's. There was some hits. So whoever ran his Twitter started giving him shit and saying, you're going to get the blow fly curse on your dick. So I started fucking with him on Twitter.

If you're on Facebook, get on Twitter. Cause that's where all the fun happens. All the, I had two days of just the debates. Like I just live tweeting the debates where I don't give a fuck, but it keeps my mind active and I try to have the first line,

the first guy to have the first joke. You can't do that shit on Facebook. So yeah, get on Twitter. You, Brett, is at Brett, not Brent. Yeah, that's it. Joby is at Stanhope CDP. Yep.

Sorry. That was me holding in a cough, so my fucking hernia, I got to get this fucking fixed. It's really bad now. Hey, once Kenny is mayor of Bisbee, you'll definitely get that hernia fixed, is what I heard. He is definitely going to make all your dreams come true. Hernia- Free Bisbee.

It's a no-brainer. Castle Rock Kenny, what's your Twitter? It's at CSTL something. Yeah, at what he just said. C-S-T-L-R-O-C-c-k i think i don't think so i think it's just castle kenny or let me look he doesn't know what it is yes you're right as a mayoral candidate it's best that you stop and think about this and think about your thoughts let me consult my constituents someone out there whatever the people want it to be because I am a servant of the people. Whoever hears this first, I'm sure Kenny for Mayor with a four number or the F-O-R.

Whoever can get a Kenny for Mayor Twitter handle and then turn over the fucking thing first. It's at C-S-T-L-R-C-K-K-E-N-N-Y. There you go. Why? Because we like him. And at HD Fatty for Chad Shank. And Shawnee, you're not on Twitter. You have no business.

No fucking reason. I don't have any fucking reason either. All right. I think I'm looking over my notes upside down, and I think we covered everything. Did you cover the last thing you have listed as the word death? Death. Death pool. Oh, that was just death pool.

Yeah. I didn't complete my notes. What time are we at? Is that good? Is that? Yeah. All right. Who's the new observer?

Oh, I don't have it. It's torn up inside somewhere. Just like us. Hey, why don't you plug the pre-release of my book right now? Buy Doug Stanhope's fucking pre-release of his book because it's probably going to be good. And you don't want your house to catch on fire. you don't want your house to catch on fire. I don't want your house to catch on fire. He's not saying he wouldn't set your house on fire.

I don't want to have to set your house. I'm wishing you well by saying, you know, I hope your house doesn't catch on fire, and it probably won't if you order Doug Stanhope's book. It's called Digging Up Mother. You just Google it. Just Google search Digging Up Mother by Doug Stanhope and you'll find a place

to pre-order it because you love your kids, right? Everybody loves their kids. You love your kids. I wouldn't want to hurt your kids if you didn't order a book. I wouldn't hurt your kids. You probably wouldn't. I mean, I wouldn't hurt you or your kids if you didn't order a book. That's just ridiculous.

It makes no sense. Who would do such a thing? It wouldn't hurt you or your kids if you didn't order a book. That's just ridiculous. It makes no sense. Who would do such a thing? But I mean, it wouldn't hurt to order it just in case. Yeah, just in case. If you want to feel secure in your family home. I mean, you're already ordering books. Yeah, listen. Just order Doug Stano's book.

You're already sitting there picturing your kid with his head smashed up against a fire hydrant repeatedly to the point where his face actually molds the fire hydrant with Chad Shank hammering your small child's face. He's just riding his 10-speed around, and now his head is molded like a fire hydrant. You're picturing that anyway. Picture going to Amazon.com instead. It's a more pleasant picture. You're picturing that anyway. Picture going to Amazon.com instead. It's a more pleasant picture. You create your own reality. That's a podcast.

It's like a choose your own adventure. Who do we play? We'll take a... I'll go with the Matoid. It's probably been a while since we played the Matoid. Order Mishka Shibali's book. What's it called? I swear I'll make it Matoid. It's probably been a while since we played the Matoid. Order Mishka Shibali's book. What's it called? I swear I'll make it up to you.

I swear I'll make it up to you. It's really, really, really fucking good, by the way. He cries a lot, but it's really fucking good. If I had a credit card, I would order it once again. What I meant to say, he cries a lot, and it's really fucking good. Vote Castle Rock Kenny for Bisbee mayor. Make sure you move to Bisbee before the August primaries. But then also move out right after that.

We don't want everyone moving here. There's no malingering around here. No loitering. No loitering in the city of Bisbee also. All right. Well, we'll get back to you at least one time before Daytona. Thanks for listening and order books and Bert Kreischer's book. We can't fucking end this podcast without mentioning in the last, you know, whatever, eight months, I wrote a book.

I did a UK tour. I filmed two specials and a pilot. And nothing was more rewarding than the fucking Bert Kreischer podcast we did. Yes, three hours and 49 minutes. And I wish it could just fucking keep going. Thanks, everybody, for including me on the feedback about how much everybody loved it. I've been eating it up. Instead of watching suicide videos,

I've been looking at fucking notifications and thinking about how great it was. It's been fantastic. I got something to talk to you about as soon as... We'll just wrap this up. All right, play the Matoid. Hey, hey Hey, dude What you gonna do with the dwelling harpoon in your hand? Hey, dude

What you gonna do with the dwelling harpoon in your hand? Gonna go and harpoon my lady, she's rubbing noses with another Eskimo man. Gonna go and harpoon my lady, she's rubbing noses with another Eskimo man. There I go. go Hey dude, I guess you just hop on till you're laid down Hey dude, I guess you just harpooned your lady down Yes, I harpooned her I caught her doing hanky-panky around the Eskimo town Yes, I harpooned her

I caught her doing hanky-panky around the Eskimo town Here I go again Harpoon, harpoon, harpoon, harpoon, harpoon, harpoon, hey, hey You're back around the Eskimo town Here I go again Holololi, hololi, hei! Holololi, holololi, holololi, holololo! Hei, nyt! Ootsä koneen uveen karko, now? Hei, nyt! Ootsä koneen uveen karko, now? And you, but you're gonna do it, you gotta go now Gonna wait till Ruska, it's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around Gonna wait till Ruska, it's a good time to go when there's not that many mosquitoes around

Then I'm gonna go to Finland, gonna get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna go to Finland, get myself a reindeer farm by the Volga River. Gonna get myself a whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies, just making love all night long in the midnight sun. Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies, just making love all night long in the midnight sun Whole herd of beautiful Finnish ladies Just making love all night long in the midnight sun Down south in Finland Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun

Down south in Finland Sun always shines And Eskimo people are having so much fun Down south in Finland And all the shy, tenacious, give-all people are having so much fun Downside the amphibian Of the loose and mad, it's the rain Downside the amphibian Of the loose and mad, it's the rain The rain The rain

The rain Right on, baby Right on, baby It's 5.15 at night. I don't know if I'm drunk or gassed. Yeah, all right. This is a terrible idea to record right now, but just in case. Just in case magic happens. Joby's yawning.

Just in case was my radio name in the 80s. Really? Yep. How did that work out? Yeah, I got fired. Just in case they could find someone better. No, well, just in case they didn't find anybody better. Good one.

Rusty Stanchion is the name that Brett Erickson gave me for a pseudonym for whatever purposes I may need. That's your bouncer name. That was the most fun. Rusty Stanchion. Hey, can I get into this party? Hey, talk to my friend

Rusty Stanchion over here. And then Chad's just standing there, arms folded. The guy bedraggledly walking in the door. With a shirt that says Rusty. Dated references, Columbia House Record and Tape was the most fun. You tape a penny and get 11 CDs for free, but you have to sign up for some bullshit.

Yeah, I owe them money. Oh, yeah, everyone did. But the most fun, we'd do it over and over again. No, I don't. Because you'd just put a bullshit name on the thing, and that was the most fun, was coming up with stupid names. What was the one that... Phil McCracken?

That's a classic. That's a classic. It was a... God damn it. What kind of names were we talking about? Highly bogus. That's one my brother used. My go-to with my last name Shank was Hugh Jass.

Hugh Jass Shank. I think Hugh Jass was a... That's a good one. That was Bart Simpson. Was it? I think Bart Simpson used that. Simpsons did it. All right.

So stop this fucking thing. Sorry. Horrible.