The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #134: Killer Termites Make Bisbee #1

Episode Date: April 18, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble   Vote for Bisbee in USA Todays 10 Best small historic towns contest at - http://www.10best.com/awards/travel/best-historic-small-town/bisbee-ariz/?post_id=10156918976220151_10156920120505151   Doug asks the Killer Termites to help make Bisbee #1 in the USA Today 10 BEst contest and sits down with the Bisbee mayoral candidates Castle Rock Kenny and Rev. Derrick.   Recorded April 17, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Brett Erickson (@brettnotbrent), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Castle Rock Kenny (@kenny4mayor), Rev. Derrick (@derrick4mayor), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS: Castle Rock Kenny 4 Mayor Website http://www.kenny4mayor.com/   Rev. Derrick 4 Mayor Website - http://www.derrick4mayor.com Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'm sorry. Always press record, Kyle. Always press record. My ears are still ringing from that, too. Chaley missed the opening belch from Chad Shank. There'll be another. Tracy, drink a Pepsi. We got Chaley.

The Chaley's back in town. And Chad Shank is here. And Brett Erickson is here with the lovely Carrie Mitchell. Bringing back the dead people's things. Chaley's mom died. Still dead. Suddenly. The heroin overdose.

Let's just say that. Because of all the Koreans that were moving into her neighborhood, she couldn't take it anymore. She went out guns blazing. Told me it was a drive-by. Which is it? That was private, Doug. So, uh,

you brought a trailer full of... We'll get to your mother in a second. Or if we don't have to. I want to open strong with my... No, no, we'll get to your dead mother a second. Or we don't have to. I want to open strong with my... No, no, we'll get to your dead mother. She'll still be there. Looking up at you, as Sean Rouse says. She's in the trunk of her Ford Focus right now.

Hold on, there's a story there. The house is up for sale and there's their realtors are going through it and we pulled everything out of the house and i i had some important documents and my mom's cremains and my father's cremains and i'm thinking where am i putting these we're not taking them with us out here and back and all this so we stuck them with a blanket in the back of the Ford Focus. He covered them up with a blanket so they wouldn't be cold. Yeah, they're back together?

Oh, yeah. Were they divorced? No. I always thought it would be funny to bury my mother and father's ashes together. Together once again. 40 years after their divorce. Like it or not funnier than those Brady Bunch stunts

so I want my at some point on Twitter I saw you know the you should follow these people

and I saw a Bisbee tourism kind of, fuck it, I forget what her tweet is. And I clicked, I'll follow Bisbee tourism shit. And the first thing I saw, Bisbee has been nominated in a USA Today top 10 historic small towns with nine days left to vote. And I'm like, well, fuck, we'll get the killer termites on this. It's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer.

And we were at 18 when I found it. And on Friday, Saturday, the weakest Twitter days, the fucking killer termites got it from 18 to, at this taping on Sunday, two days, got it to number eight before this podcast even goes out. So I've just been silly, just like back when we had the what was her name? Rebecca Vitzman. Vitzman.

Yeah. Just watching. You did the now we're 12. Fuck. We're 11. You did the GoFundMe to try and get her a house. And you were going to get like $20,000, something, $50,000. And it fucking just kept going, like through the roof.

Yeah, and she bought a house in Seattle. And by the way, I forgot about this until we went to the ballpark today to watch Kenny play vintage baseball. We did a GoFundMe, or I promoted a GoFundMe We went to the ballpark today to watch Kenny play vintage baseball. We did a GoFundMe, or I promoted a GoFundMe for the toilets at the Warren Ball Field. Oh, yeah. And the killer termites came through, and those toilets are built.

And someone used them. Do we have a review? Can we get a review of the toilet for the people that – this is Carrie Mitchell. It was perfectly clean, number one. Multiple stalls. Wait, wait, you did a number one? No, for me. Either way, perfectly clean. They only take number one, which is a bit of a problem.

Multiple stalls. Although I did not know how to turn the water off. So that's an issue. Always a fucking critic. We'll get that taken care of on a different GoFundMe. It is interesting that instead of fixing the crappy toilets that they had there, they just went ahead and built a whole new facility away,

like down the first baseline. And we were all in character as vintage baseball fans. So we're like, these touchless water troughs are amazing. How do they work? I'm like, I don't know how to read. So you'll be hearing this tomorrow. Go to discoverbisbee.com. There's a link there,

or you can just Google search USA Today, Bisbee Historic Vote, whatever. We'll also put it on your website, DougSano.com. We'll also put it on Kenny4Mayor and Derek4Mayor.com. All right, and that's with the number four. With the number four. And Derek is D-E-R-R-I-C-K, 4Mayor, Kenny4Mayor.com. So we'll have that up.

The point is, fucking hammer it. I know we can be it means a a shitload to this town if they were named because no one they're not they didn't even have it on the the discover bisbee website till i started jacking them up i'm like come on we got we already got this to number eight you guys organization is put together to exploit situations like this, and you don't even have a link on the website. The most important part is none of the quote-unquote legitimate mayoral candidates have this on social media.

Their Facebooks, they don't have any fucking idea that this is going on. The sitting mayor has no idea that USA Today, America's premier free newspaper for hoteliers, shoved under your door at 7 a.m. Whether you want it or not. I wonder what historic town I should go to. This one's number one. It's a fucking great chunk of thing to put on a Wikipedia page

for a town that has nothing else. Everyone will be flummoxed that we won because they don't even know it's happening. And here's the deal. I did say what we're going to do. If you guys can make Bisbee number one in the USA Today's best historic small town, small town then on the podcast following we're going to have mayor kenny and mayor derrick reveal their five-point platforms and then we're going to put up a twitter poll a poll and you guys get to vote who gets credit for making uh bisbee number one in america in the mayoral race. And they can crow about it.

Yep. Yeah. So, yeah, it's Kenny against Derek. Those are the only two after that snafu where you don't know that fucking Bisbee is about to be named the best small town in America. We're in the top ten already. I know.

We broke the top ten. We're in fucking number eight as we speak. Wow. Well, to be fair, before you got involved, we were at 18, which is where we probably would have been, which probably wasn't something they were real proud of, so they probably didn't want to say anything. Or until they looked at Bisbee and said, why are they in this?

Because it's not going to be number one without you. No, without the killer termites. Without Kenny or Derek. We don't know yet. Without the killer termites. Exactly. Kenny said it right. Yes. the killer termites. Kenny or Derek, we don't know yet. Without the killer termites. You have no idea how fucking jacked I have been. I have shit going on. I got the book coming out.

There's a million things I should be plugging. Nothing makes me more satisfied than watching us go up one more notch and one more notch. I don't give a fuck about the fucking Johnny Depp pilot or anything. I want Bisbee to be number one, and I'm like a gambling addict. I'm fiendish about it. Not to mention we found out that you can vote.

It started out you could vote every four hours, and then I think after we got involved, it's now every 22 or 23 hours. I don't know. But you can vote multiple times, 22 hours. Just keep voting. Retweet the link. Facebook the link. Yeah, I'm the same way.

I've been voting from different devices. It's fun. I like it. I like it when you do the Killer Termite stuff, calls to action like this because I don't want to argue

with some douchebag on Twitter. I'm not good at that. I'll let everybody else do that. I don't want to do it, but I like this shit. It's fucking fun. The only time I'll take credit from the Killer Termites is next time I go to fuck off at city council and say some dumb shit.

If anyone wants to go, it's a serious thing. I'll go, I made fucking Bisbee number one. Then I'll take credit. But otherwise, I mean, Derek or Kenny. So, yeah, thank you guys for that. You're making me fucking happy and sketchy. I woke up not feeling too bad this morning, and I came in here and I got on the website

waiting for you guys to get back from your vegan brunch. Happy and sketchy are the nicknames of the two mayoral candidates, by the way. I know who's who. I'm trying to figure out. If you have to ask, you don't live here. The two dwarfs. I came in there and I get on

and I saw that it was 13 when we went to bed. I woke up, it was 10. I got into the funhouse and I'm on the computer 13 when we went to bed I woke up it was 10 I got into the funhouse and I'm on the computer where it 9 and then 8 and I was so jacked and then I drank a cup of coffee and I have the shakes anyway as a booze bag

in the morning but I was so amped and then I'm like retweeting and tweeting like what should I do now how do I get this on my other Facebook who has and I was i get to the baseball game and i had the fucking shake so bad that i almost couldn't hold my beers walking into the stands it's when i talked to you kenny when you were down there and i'm trying to like hold them together because if i had my hands apart they were they would just spill everywhere it was such

a it was a terrifying leaving Las Vegas moment where I got them up and I barely got them to bingo. And she's looking at me like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I'm like, I shouldn't have had the coffee because I was already fucking gacked. And I gave them to her.

And then she had a sneaky bottle of whiskey she brought. And I'd fucking, I almost had to have her I had to chug whiskey like that scene from fucking Leaving Las Vegas where he can't sign the check because he has the booze shakes and she goes, do I need to take you to the hospital? I go, no.

No, I'm good. I'm good. Fucking chugged like three shots of whiskey out of a fucking hip flask bottle. Just to calm the nerves? Yeah. You do get behind your projects,

especially when you got other shit to do. Yeah. You are laser fucking focused. There's nothing I have more fun with than shit like this. Nothing makes me happier. We've been talking about it since we got here last night.

Overnight. I know. All I do is sit and click refresh and see where we're standing. I needed something like this because I'm the same way. I have important shit to do is sit and click Refreshing. See where we're standing? I needed something like this because I'm the same way. I have important shit to do. I need a distraction from it. I've been doing... I have to do

a bunch of appeal for my disability things. I have to do a bunch of fucking lawyer work and write up statements and submit shit. For the record, that podcast is going to come out after these because of the time-sensitive nature of these. Bisbee for... best in Bisbee.

Best of, you know what I'm saying? Best historic town. By the way, if you're looking for something else to do, this is perfect because it is tax day when this comes out. Oh yeah. Yeah,

exactly. Fuck off. Just fuck off. Sit there and just click refresh. Revote. You got something to do. Retweet. Yeah.

Plus you don't have to pay your taxes. I've definitely heard that before. You don't have to pay your tax. Oh, and just click refresh, revote, repost, retweet. Yeah, plus you don't have to pay your taxes. I've definitely heard that before. You don't have to pay your taxes. Oh, and here's a very important thing is when you click on the link, you don't have to register like some other bullshit contest and sign up. You just fucking click the link and then click vote. That's it. There's no nonsense. You don't have to subscribe to anything.

It sounds like it's attached to or they track you based on your IP address. So if you have a different device, like if you go on your phone, then go to your laptop and then go to your iPad or something like that. Do what Brendan Walsh did. He retweeted it and said the link and just said, hey, this is important to my dumb friend. Just click vote. No explanation.

So you can post it and go, listen, don't ask any questions. Just vote for this. It's important to my dumb friend. I'll be your dumb friend. The voting goes through, I believe, through Sunday. So fucking hammer away. Full seven days. Seven days and 15 hours at this point. So six days and 15 hours

starting Monday. Right now some shithole named Thomasville, Georgia is number one. Yeah, we're trying to overtake Hudson, New York right now. Anyway, it'd be a fucking monster hit to get that. They'd have to put that on the sign they'd have to change the welcome to Bisbee sign voted historic town

number one by USA Today they'd probably send a fucking plaque or we'll make one yes fuck yeah we forged a fucking I think these fucking polls are fucking all over. They're dumb.

They don't mean anything. What they probably do is USA Today charges you for your plaque. Right. They already have 18 plaques made. They'll charge each town for them. They just put in first, second, third, all the way down to 18th. All right. Where do we go?

It's too early to take a break. Really? Is it? Take a break. Yeah, fuck it. Take a break. All right, we'll be back with Chad Shank and Brett Erickson and Greg Chaley and his dead mother and father.

Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands. If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell if it's available. And I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com. TheShadyDell.com. TheShadyDell.com.

It's a vintage trailer park. Trailer's done to the nines just like it's 1958. You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. Maybe we burn a steak. I don't know. But stay there.

If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there. And now back to the podcast already in drudgery. All right. Yeah, no, we're I just want to throw out the thank yous quickly. First and foremost, whoever sent and they did not include a note. Someone sent a five foot by three foot i think vinyl banner kenny for mayor with sponsors from bill burr to the ufc to my book uh and i i assume the one i did not know comment comedy at the palace comedy at the palace i that's the one I... One thing doesn't fit.

Yeah. Everything else is connected. I'm not familiar with that. Maybe I've played there. I don't know. But it is, in fact, Comedy at the Palace that sent that. Thank you very much. There was old-timey baseball in town today, and we unfurled the banner because Kenny Formayer was playing in the game in the

1890s rule baseball game. So we get to unfurl the banner and chant Kenny Formayer and sing his theme song. Derek, so far, has not gotten a theme song. If you want to submit one, we're all ears. Kali, we're talking to you.

Here at Derek Formayer, we're more concerned about the substance of the issues than silly songs that appeal to the base level of the... Already going negative, huh? Silly songs? I'm just saying that we care about the people of Bisbee at Derek Vermeer. And you know what? You should have your own songwriter. The guy shouldn't have to do two songs for two candidates. I'm backing one candidate. Chad Shanks backing one candidate.

I bet Derek Vermeer will get some songs. Well, he'll take anything right now. Certainly there's more artistic people that do some similar things than what's been done. We have no flyers. We have no signs. We've had a couple, I think. It's a little early.

It's early. Derek Vermeer on early. It's early. Yeah, with the number four. Both of them, it's Kenny4Mayor and DerekDerrick. This is a lot of ways to spell Derek. But there's only one way to spell Mayor, and that's

Kenny. Alright, that didn't make sense. So yeah, here's other people that have sent shit. Matt Moturn, Moturn Heartburn is the album. It's only available on vinyl. He actually put ad space on the vinyl, which is a brilliant idea. I immediately wanted to steal it. It's like two by two squares, four across the bottom in the front and four across the back. Yeah, and he threw the podcast on there.

Actually, someone paid for it. Paid for the podcast to be sponsored on Matt Moturn. Explain Matt Moturn. Well, he has like a couple thousand songs on iTunes. And they're on like 30 seconds. So it's like if your name is Kenny and you want a happy birthday song, he's already got one and it's a goofy song for Kenny.

Most of them are about farts and diarrhea. Totally. And he's just got a bajillion songs. So that's how he generates income. And this is another way to do it. We've played him on the show before. He wrote a song for you. I remember getting drunk at Sushi in Sierra Vista and listening to that on the way back. Maybe wrote a song for you. I remember getting drunk at Sushi in Sierra Vista and listening to that on the way back.

Maybe that's our Derek song. Someone sent a Popov shirt. It's like a 1979. It's over there. I don't know what... Is that a soccer shirt or what it is? Yeah, it looks like a soccer shirt. It's a jersey.

It's a molehole golf classic, and it's a jersey. Popov. It's from 1979, and it was actually sponsored by pop-off vodka is on the tit as a sponsor so maybe they had aspirations of being something more like i did in 1979 that's the last time they sponsored anything they sponsored what putt-putt golf but they won't sponsor you and believe no they don't sponsor me they do they just don't

know it someone sent me a larry the cable guy brand uh beer bread uh it's a it's a it's a mix to make your own beer bread and larry's on there pointing at you like uncle sam saying you gotta try it larry the cable guy beer bread just add beer and butter. Available at any Dollar Tree, by the way. So thanks for that. I don't know if I brought this up on another podcast, but someone sent me a fucking alternator in a box

and it had a bill of sale and it was $156. Oh, that's so you get the core charge on your other one when you bring it back. No, who sent it? Can you send me a power steering pump? For what?

Don't say that. Tell him what kind of car because he might get it. And then also a car to go with the power steering pump? What else do we got? Michael Ruffino wrote. I don't think he sent it. Someone sent it that said I'd like the book. It's called Gentlemanly Repose, Confessions of a Debauched Rock and Roller.

I actually read a bit of it, and then I stopped. And also that chick that sent me the, goddammit, I'm going to forget her name because I lost the book. Unless it's in the Mazda. Was there a book on the passenger seat in Mazda? Did you find it? Blair? Goddammit, I'm going to forget her name because I lost the book. Unless it's in the Mazda. Was there a book on the passenger seat in Mazda? Oh, shit. Did you find it? Blair? Goddammit. I tweeted it. Thick book? It might have been on the Tahoe when I was dumping

out shit. I don't read big, thick books. Was it a coloring book? No, it's a, I remember the name of the book is Welcome to the Goddamn Ice Cube. And that I started reading and then I put it in one of the fucking cars to go to breakfast and i haven't seen it since and it's bothering me but she sent that uh uh bibles we got more stolen bibles from joseph this box lulu monkey sent us the uh

the uh chad shank and i she sent us a uh for the king and queen of the funhouse she sent us a tiara and a crown with sashes so I immediately just, I didn't even make eye contact, I just took my tiara and Chad Shank put on the crown, we just tweeted that

picture and oh she sent us some monkey stuff,ulu monkey in austin she's the fucking best yeah uh and bingo uh is here and she has a whole list of thank yous bingo has been manic and up and down and awake for three days and then sleeping for two solid and but she's getting shit done and she uh but i. I just didn't want to seem unappreciative the last time I was talking and thanking people for all the shit they sent me because it was

amazing. Their postcards, artwork, gifts, cigarettes. She said, you know, I got up early and I went back over to the other house because I still had a whole box of unopened... I had hundreds, hundreds of... From the nut house. That's not

counting the stuff that they never forwarded. They sent so much of it back. But I brought, I took home so much mail. She said, I still have a whole box of unopened fan mail. Oops, I didn't mean to say fan mail. I know it's not fan mail. It's fan

mail, baby. So postcards, what else? I just page into them, pages of letters, and there's so many kind words. And people really shared some personal stories with me. I fucking appreciate it so much. And I went through every single fucking page of everything last night. So I've read it all, and thank you guys so much. We'll bleep out all the F-bombs you just dropped.

All right, sorry. All right, that's all I got. That's a family podcast here. I don't know. Yeah, there was one specific one that you were reading last night. Oh, I carry it. It was just from, I just want to say one name. They listen to the podcast, too.

But Bob Delaney, yeah, some 60-something-year year old person and just shared a bunch of shit with me and i carried around my fanny pack for a while yeah you were reading that last night yeah but thank you thank you so much guys all right well that's the thank you uh portion and now we'll go back to the podcast already in progress that we haven't started yet. Makes sense to us. Oh, I said before, we do have a couple of podcasts that we've taped already that are sitting so we can get these out with the Bisbee thing going on. But Chad and I did a podcast, which I think was kind of fun from what I remember.

I don't remember. When did we do a podcast? It was your disability story. No, that went out. That went out. Yeah. Oh, the one that's sitting waiting to go out is the one that Tracy was producing it. It was before she came out to Orange County.

With Chad. Yeah, the two of you. And I think Kenny may have been here. Yeah, Kenny was here. Yeah. I haven't Kenny may have been here. Yeah, Kenny was here. Yeah. I haven't even listened to it yet. So if we allude to something that was from that podcast, you'll figure it out. I don't think anyone here will know that because neither of you remember it,

and I haven't heard it yet. Well, we also did a – My bet is – Last Monday – Didn't know we did a podcast. I did a swap cast with Danny LaBelle, the modern philosopher. It's out on the 25th. Out on the 25th.

Yes, and that will be a swap cast between us and him. And I hate to bust your balls, but Danny LaBelle is 370 pounds. He's a sweetheart kid. But these fucking bar stools, what do you call it? Pneumatic? Yeah, there is a pneumatic lever on it. He adjusted two of my bar stools at the base. We'll try this.

We're going to see if we can fix that bar stool by getting Chad Shank, what are you, about 250? And then we'll get Kenny on his lap. What are you, Kenny? 100 and something. Alright, and then we'll throw one of the ladies in there. Don't sweat the details over there, Kenny. It's a cylindrical

base to the thing where I guess he was leaning forward and he bent the base, so now it's like a teeter-totter. Two of them. It flares out. The base flares out and that is almost like kind of taco'd a little bit. Yeah, it's my fault. Because I have too many fat friends to only have these chintzy-ass

bar stools. They look good, but I should have fat-friendly, which I did go out and buy three fat-friendly bar stools up at Copenhagen and Tucson. And that should hold one fat-friendly friend. What's a fat friendly bar stool? It doesn't get warped when you

fucking... A foot stool? There's a reason I always stand up at the bar. I don't trust those seats. Hey, here's your fat friendly bar stool. Those cinder blocks over there? Yeah, knock yourself out. So, yeah, that was... He felt a little embarrassed about it.

Don't worry. He just road tested it before the next people. Fat people have broke chairs here before. Now I know the limit. We can get a sign. Wait, someone broke your couch. The couch we have down in Black Knob, someone sat on that couch and broke it. A lot of seats have gotten broken.

I'm just laying it out there. He's not the only one. A lot of, like I said, people who say, I don't see color. I do, but I don't see fat. I grew up with fat people. Ron Putnam. My best friends were usually fat people. My dad was a fat guy.

I don't see fat until you see your fucking wheel. You know those rolly chairs? The green ones there? I watched as, I won't even say his name, but one of our friends sat in it and I slowly watched the plastic wheel twist and break during a football

Sunday and it finally fell off. Much like the defense when Aaron Rodgers is leading the Packers down the field. That should make you want to do something different, though. Even just today, you said you don't see fat, and I believe that because you tweeted a picture of you and I where my man boob is the most prominent thing in the photo. And I was like, what a dick, man.

I did notice that afterwards. If that doesn't make you do fucking push-ups, nothing will, I'll tell you right now. Dude, you just said to Kerry Mitchell and I, you showed us the picture and you said, hey, is there an app that can make my man boobs go away in this picture? And as we're looking at it, he goes,

I know the answer is push-ups, but is there something I can do short of push-ups? And I almost did a spit-take when you said that. That was so funny. You made it funnier because I didn't say those are an app. I wanted photographic control around the funhouse.

I wanted somebody to run photos by me and go, hey, this one where it just looks like your tit. There were two pictures that were better, but that was the one where you were kissing me in a tiara. I go i gotta get the kissing one we can take more jesus christ it really isn't like we're out of film it's not dependent on film or kisses i like kissing you yeah hey listen i'm fat be fat. God, we had so much fucking fun at that. You were killing me at the baseball game today, Erickson,

because I wasn't in heckler mood. Again, I had the fucking booze shakes. We went to the vegan thing and just happened to walk over to Lucy's new store, Redbone, in the back alley in downtown Bisbee. Subway Street. Subway Street. We just bought stuff, not knowing we were going to a period

baseball game. I bought the outfit before I knew I was coming to a vintage 1890s baseball game. He's got a white top hat and white tails and vest and shorts. And flip flops. Well, I haven't committed completely.

So what happened? There was one beat that if we had developed that, we could have fucking killed with it. It just kind of rolled. But Kenny was on the winning team. The losing team, the Glendale Gophers, they had two

12-year-old girls on their team. One was a catcher. Two 12-year-old girls on their team. One was a catcher. Grown men on our team. One was a catcher. Two 12-year-old girls. A catcher, you've got to put a girl somewhere. We won at least, didn't we? Yeah, by two.

By two runs. Oh, all right. We beat all those 12-year-old girls. That's all that matters. By two men, we beat them. Two runs and two men. We never saw anyone get past second base, and Trace is like,

I think those numbers are just stuck on the board from the high school game. They announced that one of the little girls who was coming up to bat, and her name was Cindy Lou. Erickson says to the people sitting next to us,

Cindy Lou who? And then I go, Cindy Lou who from Whoville? And they just kept looking at us. They didn't get the Grinch That Stole Christmas reference. Not big readers. So then she gets a hit and goes to first base. I go, Cindy Lou Who's on first? Like, that could have developed so well.

I don't know who's on second. What? Third base. Third base. What else? I just got random shit written down. Throw it out there. Fuck you, RedTube.

I did my taxes. I don't do my taxes, but I prep them for my accountant. Like you pre-clean for a maid to come in. And fuck you, RedTube. If you have that stupid video box in your grocery store and you get your 99-cent videos... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You mean RedBox.

RedBox. Oh, RedTube, sorry. Oh, RedTube is great. RedTube. RedTube's what I... You had me all fucking paranoid. I was like, what does RedTube got to do with my taxes? That's what I call my old girlfriend, RedTube.

All right, sorry. I'm gonna be in trouble. Did I just do one of those War of the Worlds things? Everyone's panicking. You panicked everybody. They're calling the news stations. I just put in my taxes. It's tax day. Red Box.

You mean Red Box. Yeah, I was fucking... Say it a third time. Red Box. Red Tube will do mean red box. Yeah. Say it a third time. Red box. Red tube. We'll do a separate commercial. Also what I call my old girlfriend. We'll do a separate commercial promoting red tube. Yeah.

Just as a drop for that. So, yeah, I was going through my credit card receipts because I'm not real I'll go down if it's a big number I'll go is that accurate but when I do my taxes or prep them fucking $99 charge from fucking Redbox

a single charge? for not returning a fucking video that I return my videos I look forward to going to Safeway so if I have that video there it. I look forward to going to Safeway. So if I have that video there, it gives me a reason to go to Safeway because there's nothing else to do in this best

historic small town in America but go to Safeway. I don't fucking... It went back. And so I call the number on my credit card statement. If you're calling about anything else, we don't deal with that. You have to go to the website and then no fuck you you know what i'm gonna do red box and you know what the killer termites if they are so disposed and have the time pat a post-it notes

cost you what 99 cents about the same as one of your fucking movies that i returned and you know what an out of order sign on a post-it stuck on that fucking machine all over the country? How long do you think before you're going to start going, ooh, here's your 99 bucks back. Sorry, now we answered the phone. Fuck you, Redbox. All right, that was some morning hate I got out of. Here's a stretch.

That's Doug Stanhope yoga. Your aggressiveness is so much more passive than mine because I was thinking about ways to destroy the Redbox machine already. You can only ruin a Post-it note. But you can ruin one machine. You can ruin their bottom line by having everyone put Post-it notes. If you're vandalizing, they could catch you. Someone put a post-it.

No, not going to. The manager's not over by the fucking red box. He doesn't notice that. And no one's going to go, out of order. I can fix it. They just see it. I'll try it anyway. I didn't even know people rented movies in any form still.

Well, it was funny. I had posted. Yeah, I do. Because Netflix never works when chaley leaves perfect according to plan uh it sucked because i had just for a goof i rented two movies and uh when i returned them i put up a post-it note with uh my reviews on a post-it note concussion is very good and it is concussion is fucking it made me want to stop doing football like we'll do a party during football season on sundays but not do football it makes you hate the nfl so much such like that uh i think we maybe we talked about this

on the next podcast concussion is not your guess is as good as mine. Concussion is not a documentary, though, right? It's the Will Smith one. That's the movie that Jada was mad that he didn't get nominated for, which is why she boycotted. It's a strong fucking movie. I had low expectations, but it's strong. And Creed, which even Hennigan talked up.

He loved that movie. It's a piece of shit. It's still formulaic. It's no better. It might be better, but it's shit. It's still formulaic. It's no better. It might be better, but it's still... It's the same thing. It's the same shit. I figured out how to fast forward through it. I don't like the Rocky movies, and I hate Will Smith.

I'm pretty sure we did talk about this, but fuck Redbox anyway. I'll never post it reviews on your box again. I'm just going to put out of order. And I really want to start that fad. I've been tweeting about it. But when you're stuck in line at the supermarket, take a good magazine, whatever, time or life, and put it in front of the tabloids so no one sees Kardashian and gets sucked in. Cover the people and the us and the world news or whatever. Just take a stack of a good or benign

magazine i use arizona highways always has a pretty picture of arizona and i cover up every tabloid so you don't have to see michael douglas is dying or joan rivers has been reincarnated or whatever just all that cover up that dog shit that you're forced to look at in the checkout line the way you do that and tweet me pictures. I'll retweet them. And as an added bonus, you get to piss off somebody making minimum wage who has to fix all that shit at the end of the night. They don't hear it. The magazine people.

Doug does it very charming in his passive aggressiveness. He will do it, and then more than likely an older person or an adult is behind you, and you will go like, oh, I just can't stand this Kardashian. And they are like, they're almost applauding that you are covering up this person. I think it would be pretty universally accepted, yeah. Absolutely. The last time I did it, the guy behind me picked up the magazine.

He'd seen me doing this and then picked up the Arizona Highways magazine and I thought he was going to rearrange it like I'm a dick. Started reading it. Sure. I was like, this is working so good. Made a sale! That's what it felt like. Are you kidding me?

One of those magazines, they get one space if they're lucky. You've just given them the fuck. You blanketed the point of sale. That's the sweetest cherry in the entire store is that point of sale at the end. And it's the magazine people that have to deal with that, not the Safeway employee. It's not their responsibility.

They've got the circulation guy. You know circulation? He started reading the magazine you put in front. Yeah. You should do that with your book and all the Barnes and Nobles. That's where this started. That's how this started.

Is that fucking... I'm not even going to say his name, but he's a douchebag. He's like the Joe Francis of authors, the Girls Gone Wild guy of authors. And they have his book in all the airport bookstores. And he's just this shady piece of shit

that talks about banging chicks and fucking him over and making him cry and so i just i'll always either turn his title around or cover up so people don't even see his book yeah i should say his name no don't i know who you mean well i want people to do that but if yeah everybody knows it is interesting trying to get people can find out who that is and oh they'll know we talked about the past it is interesting trying to get people can find out who that is oh they'll know they'll know we've talked about it in the past it is interesting

trying to go through an airport trying to get to a gate and I'm rushing along and I turn around and I look and Doug's not behind me he's at the bookstore at the whatever

the fucking world news and he's flipping around this is important to him even though we're trying to catch a flight but now you can flip them around and put a copy of digging up mother in front of exactly yes and we we actually pitched this to decapo press who's your publisher book as a a gimmick promotional thing you guys know my predilection for flying everywhere without leaving airports just to get miles and spending fucking 70 hours just flying to do a,

do bookstore signings in airports. Cause that's pretty much the only place they still have bookstores and I'll never leave an airport. And it's gimmicky enough that just the gimmick would get press. The problem is it's me and it's gimmicky enough that just the gimmick would get press the problem is it's me and it's my book so the the theme airports it's not the airport hey this guy's got a memoir about you know hold on a second so wait why can't we just do that i just say wait a minute you don't think you could make it funny if no one came to your book signing? Just set up a folding card table outside until somebody makes you leave.

Gorilla book signing? You have to get the book in the stores. So that's Hudson News and WH Smith. If the book gets in the stores, you're saying it's a green light. Yeah. I'll do that on my own. Fuck yeah, I'll do that on my own. Can't we also get a gorilla book signing yeah all right we gotta get

this i talked to someone uh i did a an interview uh and the guy goes oh i i'm good friends with the whoever runs or knows the guy who runs hudson news whatever the parent company is every fucking airport bookstore gift shop is this exact everything's owned by a parent company like even if it's like if it's on the other side of security it's not uh uh rico's tacos it's it's run by a company that has licensed the the name whether whatever it is every single one i've been flying for 25 years and everyone has the neck pillows sail two for 25 well this is a the longest sale in history does guinness have a record for sale two for 25 you go you you know exactly what snacks you can get it doesn't matter what airport it is

you know it's the exact same snacks, the same fucking nature ways, trail mix. Fuck, it sucks. But if we could get my book in there, oh, we're going on a flight. Couldn't we? We're going to go on the Guinness Book longest record not leaving an airport. I'll break it. Absolutely. That's over a year, I think.

Hey, don't you get a number of promotional copies, the giveaways? Yeah, yeah, because they don't have the pictures in them, and they don't have the Johnny Depp forward. No, no, no, not those. Not those. Those are the advanced copies for people to review. Oh, I don't know this. So if there are, then we could just travel to airports

with the promotional copies and then just try and give them away. Not even sell them. I'll go weird. I'll go weird. I'll go weird with this. I'm saying it's like... You could trade hotel Bibles for copies of your book in airports. People could bring you hotel Bibles.

We could totally involve Twitter in this. If I get back on the road, that makes money. Wait, wait. Did you say if? Uh-oh. Listen, you killer termites, you make fucking Bisbee number one, I will book road dates immediately. And it would be funny.

I already thought about this. It doesn't work. But it would be funny to start the tour with 19 dates of the top 20 finalists for the top 10. And fucking just crow. All you do is crow. Your first 10 minutes is just about this. Hello, Hudson, New York.

Hello, Sitka, Alaska. How's it feel, number two? You know who beat you? Me! That's hilarious. That's hilarious. That's a viable idea. I'm glad you're writing that down right now.

Are you kidding me? I was about to say, write that down. I want to go to Deadwood with you guys. Write that down. Deadwood, yeah. There are some really good towns. They're not number one towns, but they're really good towns. Yeah, you could be in the top ten. Mackinac Island is in Michigan.

Yeah, I know Mackinac Island. That bridge is fucking terrifying. I heard like a Yugo blew off that bridge in a windstorm. I'm sure it's true. Which is what they're using to claim they should be number one. Getting rid of Yugos one at a time.

I say three of mine. Yeah, I get a lot of shit from people. Not a lot, but a few people tweeting, what do you want, a lot of hipsters? Why would you want to be number one? You're going to get a bunch of tourists and hipsters? First of all, tourists are good.

That's money. That's six months. Nothing pisses me off worse. A few things do. But tourist towns that hate tourists? I mean, Redbox, for one. I lived in

Vegas and locals would complain about tourists. Without tourists? Did you ever see Bugsy, the movie? This was just a wind strewn fucking strip of dead cattle. You want that?

Hawaii, when they fucking bitch about tourists? You're a fucking white person. The tourists come here. Yeah, you're one of them. Just because you... Yeah, they're... Captain Cook was a tourist. Do you have a pineapple farm? No, you probably do something tourist-related.

Anyway, so I don't know where the fuck I was. Chaley's dead, Mom. Let's just get on with it. Then we'll get the candidates on. Derek, you holding up? Wobbling a bit? He does know that sooner or later he will have to talk right no he gets to talk what do you got he derrick has something written down let's listen once again just a

minute ago derrick came up to me on the last break i went out to pee and derrick came up to me and he goes hey uh i just want to tell you i do have some issues that I think are important to the residents of Bisbee. And I go, that's exactly the way you should open, and then from there on, we'll take it. I know, I want a woodshed Kenny. I meant to warn you earlier that Derek was going to approach you about these actual issues. Cyrano de Derek, he's going rogue.

After the baseball game, someone asked Kenny, because we had paraded around the banner, and what's your platform? They keep asking him. And I said, well, his first, I just cut in. Didn't let him talk. I said, the first thing he's going to do is make Bisbee number one. And the lady said, well, you have my vote on that.

And Derek is standing right next to you. No, Derek wasn't there. How did this happen? You guys were out front? We were out front after the game. And they saw you with a banner or something? Brett had paraded the banner around. We had sung this song.

My favorite part was right after that was when she asked Castle Rock Kenny if he owned Castle Rock. So you own Castle Rock? And he said, if I'm mayor, we'll all own Castle Rock. These are the people we have to do. That's what he would have said if we were talking for him.

Kenny, what's your platform? Here's your answer. First of all, let me ask your name. Katie? It's a very important question, and I'm glad you asked it. Can you write your name down on this sheet for me? And then you get the signatures. By the way, Kenny.

You lost him at Katie. Hey, Kenny. Our candidate, Derek Vermeer, has written his important points down on the back of a beer coaster. This is not the five-point platform. Which is what I like about him. He's a man of the people. These are unofficial.

All right. Derek, come on in. Derek Vermeer, D-E-R-R-I-C-K, number four, Mayor. That's the at, Twitter, and the website.com. That's the at twitter and the website Dot com The top five things that concern me In Bisbee that I would try to change As mayor

No you're not supposed to Well I guess we're doing your top five We'll rewrite this for you They're unofficial These are unofficial Well the first one, number one That is the first one. You go from five down.

Have you never seen? You work up to number one. Well, how am I going to read my? Turn it upside down. You don't have to read it upside down. You just have to start. This is going to be a long road. This is going to be a long road.

This is going to be a long road. This is going to be a long road. This is... Yes, he did flip the coaster upside down. Hold it up to a mirror, Derek. He flipped it upside down and then he said... This is like that movie where Dolly Parton tries to teach Rocky how to sing. I didn't see it either, but I know the premise. All right, Derek. Start at the bottom.

Number five. Which should be number one to most people. Oh, we need to put signs up that ask tourists to not stand in the street. I love to tourist everything at the bottom. My only pet peeve is when they're standing in their crosswalk, and you don't know if they're crossing or if they're taking a picture. All right. That'll be rewritten.

Number four. Five-day school week for the kids at Bisbee. That should be number five, first of all. To keep them off the streets for an extra day. I think we should have Derek not mention kids would probably be the best answer. Wait, how many? I don't know where to find them if they're not in school. Fridays are the only days I have free.

The kids have told me. Wait, you know kids don't vote, right? No, but they walk next to the street a lot of times. Do you drive drunk a lot? Because you have a lot of people in the street issue. We have sidewalks. Wait, do kids go to school more than five days a week?

They only go four here. Four? That's enough. If we could get them back to five days and maybe... You're going to lose the fucking elementary school vote right there. No, the parents want the kids in school because they have to pay a fucking babysitter. Yeah, man. Okay, perfect.

That's kind of smart. Six days a week. We've got to go back to five days a week. And then number three, we need to get the mine to pave the streets around here. They take so much from this community. They took a whole mountain out of Bisbee and then dug it down below just as deep. They should pave the damn streets. I mean, if anything, if they

did anything for this town, pave the streets. Number two, the police should sell half of their guns. Which half? The front half or the back half? I don't know. Let me turn the coaster upside down.

I don't know. Let me turn the coaster upside down. I actually don't have a plan for what to do with the money. It could go to the police department. They could use it for a big party for all I give a shit. But they have like eight guns per cop in Bisbee. What's your source reference on this? I knew he was going to ask that. I knew he was going to ask that. I knew he was going to ask that.

I don't remember which paper it was. That's a typical gotcha question from the mainstream media. Please hold. Derek just said, I don't remember which paper I read that in. Like, we have so many. Like, it's New York City. Was it the Post? Was it the Times?

It was a while back. It was probably about almost a year ago when it came out. All right. So it wasn't the USA Today where everyone's voting for the most historic town. We have way less cops than a year ago, too, to the point where it was front page Bisbee Observer. Less than 10? Yeah, I think there was seven and two were on. Last time I asked you, you said 12.

It sounds like a lot of those guys would only end up with half a gun under Derek's plan. He's pro-barrel. Well, that works out because I would have mentioned getting rid of some of the cops because you don't need the Gestapo in a Mayberry town. I'm with you. It's the clip with Derek. My number one concern. Hang on.

Drum roll. I've been talking to Gene Connors about this. I like it. I've been talking to Gene about this for at least two years. It really bugs the shit out of me. When you're leaving the Gulch and you gotta make a left or a right, there's a bunch of shit to the left like plants

and stuff where you can't see all the cars coming. Visual obstruction at the Gulch where you can't see the cars cars coming. Visual obstruction at the Gulch where you can't see the cars. You know what I'm talking about. No, I never go out of the house. If you do go to the Gulch, it's not like you're driving. No, you're driving.

When you leave the Gulch, you go to make a left. Kenny for driver. You go to make a left or a right leaving the Gulch and there's a bunch of plants and shit there and you can't see what's coming from the left. You can't see any cars. There's plants. So you're against the environment.

He hates plants. I saw that shit on fire one day and I was Listen, as a spokesman for Derek Vermeer, let me just say that plants are out of control. Plants have been coming into this country. Plants have been stealing American plants jobs for way too long and we want to cut them back. Plants did come coming into this country. Plants have been stealing American plants jobs for way too long and we want to cut them back.

Cut them back. Alright, Kenny, do you want to rebut? Do you want a minute to think about it? We could... Can I borrow your clipboard, sir? Wait, you have to write something on the clipboard.

I was just going to use it as a prop. No, I got my clipboard. It's got 11 signatures. Wait, you need notes? I thought you could freestyle. Kenny wanted a visual prop for the podcast. Hold on, let him continue. Oh, for the look.

Gotcha. Look, to his number one, first of all, I'm for the environment. We are not tearing down desert plants in our city, first of all. If you can't see, don't drive. He hates the blind. He hates the blind. No, I love the blind. Save it for the big game, Kenny.

Sorry, sorry. No, just say, listen. Okay. This is where you just go, we just heard him speak. It's obvious to everyone. I don't have to rebut these senseless... Stop leading the candidate. Let him speak

for himself as our candidate did. That is true. I want to see if he just can repeat. You've been woodshedding your candidate. Now mine's on the spot. I'll freestyle something to make you to make you go crazy that's all right i'll see you a little we've been wood shedding our candidates yeah you know what you do have cameras everywhere you did you did he he said you made him go out

i'm gonna give kenny till the next break or the next podcast because we're probably at what we're in the fucking we told him not to go out and write down five things. We specifically told him, do not write down five things. Those things were as a surprise to us as they were to you. I'm just going to do a spell check. No, no, no. Don't get petty. Don't run a negative campaign already.

We're going to go to break. It was good. We're going to give Kenny time to write down five things. It was funny. That we will rewrite when we do your. We'll see you tomorrow. No, no. We're going to give Kenny time to write down five things. It was funny. That we will rewrite when we do your. We'll see you tomorrow. No, no. Oh, no, you won't.

So, yeah, we're going to do the police beat, and then we'll get back with Kenny and your rebuttal. Please hold. And now, the police beat with Chad Shank out in the field. What's going on on the mean streets of Bisbee this week? A yellow four-door Nissan truck was driving up and down Hovland Street. The person reporting stated the driver was a middle-aged white male in a white shirt, drinking beer in the vehicle, and banging on the door of a residence.

You know, I think if we go back through, this is not the first report from Hovland Street, and I don't know what the candidates are going to have to say about how they're going to clean up crime in this town. Is Hovland near us here? Yeah, it's actually over on the other side of the Vista. It's where Mikey Palmer lives. Oh, who cares? Yeah. It's not near us.? Yeah, it's actually over on the other side of the Vista. It's where Mikey Palmer lives. Oh, who cares?

Yeah. Other side of the Vista. Fuck them. There's probably a lot of middle-aged white men drinking beer in their vehicle on that street. In their yellow Nissan truck. They'll let anyone be a cab in Hovland. That's almost like saying their name in this town. If you have a yellow truck,

half the town probably knows, oh, that's Jimmy. Who else has a yellow truck? Well, there's two in town. One you have a yellow truck, half the town probably knows, oh, that's Jimmy. Who else has a yellow truck? Well, there's two in town. One's on blocks. A chihuahua was attacked by two large dogs on M Street. The owner thought the dog was fine at first, with

just a little gash, but turned it over and found more damage. You know what? If I had a nickel, don't turned it over and found more damage. You know what? If I had a nickel. Don't fix it if it ain't broke. Don't fix it if it ain't turned over. Turns out. Listen, lady, turn it back over.

Hey, Doc, it hurts when I do this. Turns out she'd never seen a boner on a dog. Yeah. Thought it was ripped open. For those of you new to the podcast, that's a legendary story of when Bingo first got our dog Ichabod and brought it to the vet when I was on the road because it had something wrong with its penis.

Well, it had a boner. And all the people at the vet's office had to draw straws. Who's going to go out and tell her it's just a boner? I've never heard that story. Red Rocket! Red Rocket! Can that be a, well, as Doug Stanhope's wife, you've never seen a boner before. That's exactly the... Well, Hacky now.

By the way, that's my comedy name, Hacky now. I'm Rust the way, that's my comedy name. Hacky now. I'm Rusty Stanchion. Nice to meet you. Back to the police beat already in progress. A male subject was driving up the sidewalk on West Boulevard, chasing after a female subject. Hmm. We need another verb in there.

What's the problem? I just reported. I don't make it. Was there a knife? A chihuahua with a boner? They were five years old. I'm going to put it on you. There's something amiss.

All right, wow. I had no joke for that that's what happens when you let me pick them you're supposed to pick them no no what's the story i don't understand what the story is someone saw someone following someone driving up the sidewalk chasing after a female subject oh that's lazy maybe maybe that just means someone who's 16 years old just got their driver's license. I know they like to drive on the sidewalk. Well, there's a lot of chicks in Bisbee you can't just punch out. So, I mean,

chasing them with the car on the sidewalk may be the only option. As a 35-year-old smoker, if I had to chase bingo, I'd be in the pickup truck. In the smoking area, 50 feet from the door. In the smoking lane.

Sidewalk, yeah. Go ahead. What else? What else we got? Two sons were arguing over bedroom furniture on Nugget Street. I don't know. I think that was me and my brother. When my mother died.

We haven't got to your dead mother. It was really loud. I didn't know it was this loud. That's my chair. No, you take it. No, you take it. I don't want it. You take it.

Go ahead. At the Esperanza Apartments, a woman stated she spray painted in her bathroom and the paint got everywhere. She used gasoline to clean it. Her neighbor came over with a baseball bat yelling that the fumes were getting into his apartment.

He was mad because he was so busy huffing gas. He didn't need to be bothered by this gas smell. Where do you start on this one? It's the worst DIY project ever. Baseball bats and gasoline. Let's paint this place. How do you get the stains out of your sink without spray paint?

In a town with so many fucking meth shacks. Not just a town. The number one historic small town in America. With your help, killer termites. And the amount of fucking meth houses, that's probably what spurred it. It's like, I'm not living next to another fucking meth lab. What's that smell?

Oh, sorry. Or it was, we're the meth lab in this neighborhood. That could be it too. Fuck that guy. And she was just trying to tag her shower curtain. She's just cleaning her toilet. What's with the bleach smell? Cleaning a toilet, very suspicious.

What do you got? Two young males were in the pit below Bisbee Blue. All right, that's, well, the pit. Is that the gift shop? It's closed now. It's the old gift shop. It was a turquoise place. There's a parking lot above the pit where they used to,

which would be a good platform, plank in the platform, was to get that fucking gift shop or information center open again in the parking lot there. But the Bisbee Blue was the name of that information center. Yeah, and they sold turquoise knickknacks and stuff. After copper, turquoise is what Bisbee's known for. I appreciate you guys clearing that up. I thought the pit was a euphemism.

I didn't know why two young males were in the pit. So good to know everybody's safe. He thought it meant the throes of passion. Yeah. The m the pit. Good to know. He thought it meant the throes of passion. Mosh pit. Go ahead. What happened with these two guys? That's it.

They were in the pit. It does go down 900 feet. To be down there is perfect for a zip line. We're going to have to wrestle over that zip line platform. That's the number one platform. It's perfect for a zip line. We're going to have to wrestle over that zip line platform. That's the number one platform. Zip it. Wait, wait, wait. Zip it.

It's zipped, but they're here. No, that's the – They're in the room. No, I meant that's the catchphrase they could use. Zip it. Oh, zip it. Zip line. All right, sorry.

Whichever site he chooses, we'll choose opposite. Zip it. Zip it good. Zip it or fill it zip it real good zip it bisbee okay yeah no i i got this but yeah i get a zip it for the audience not for the candidates they don't know their platforms nor do they have an argument or not we're still making them up nor do we okay we're doing police beat for fuck's sake. Okay. All right. I got that. Write that down. Got it. Okay.

Go back to the police beat. The old cotton gin was on fire in El Frida. I think they wrote that just because of the vintage baseball. That's an 1890s news story. The old cotton gin burned down. Oh, Healy's at bat. Looks like Eli Whitney's visiting again. A double Adobe caller advised she has a van on her property that someone has been sleeping in.

She stated this happens every few months. Wait, so Mishka's playing the stock exchange again? This happens every few months. Wait, so Mishka's playing the stock exchange again? I was going to go with that's Mayor Kenny housing the homeless. Oh, that was great. Chad Shank risks his life every day out there in the field to bring us back the horrible crimes that occur here in Bisbee. I appreciate all the free booze that you give me for it.

Finally, Doug, a man staying at the homeless shelter advised his prescription drugs were filled the night before, and by morning, they were empty. That story checks out, by the way. It's the easy Alzheimer's joke goes in there. It's called life, brother. Wait, was his name Adderall Jack? Adderall Jack, doo-doo-doo, Billy Jack bitch. Huh?

We got to get a song parody guy. Adderall Jack goes to Billy Jack bitch. It's an easy one. I don't know that song. I'm just stealing Stern now. Oh, no, no. I hate to say no. All right.

Well, we can't play it as an outro, but if... Oh, no, we got to get Kenny back on. We got to get back to the podcast. Maybe this is a two-parter. I don't know. All right. And thank you, Chad Shank, for the police beat. Chad Shank, you can follow him at HDFatty.

Like Harley Davidson. HDFatty. F-A-T-T-Y. I don't have a Harley Davidson anymore, so I like Hyman Doberman better now. I thought it just meant you were a fat dude. Yeah. I thought it just meant you were a fat dude we could see really well. Well, that part is true, so I'm keeping that part.

The fatty is self-explanatory. All right, the crowd's getting chatty. Let's break, and we'll be back with Kenny to close this out. Hey, you miserable cunts. You want to ever see me again? You go to the Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. We have new vinyl. Something to take the edge off on vinyl.

That's right, something to take the edge off on vinyl. Drunk with power pint glasses and Stanhope shot glasses, as well as T-shirts, Pop-Off Vodka Presents, which is coming out as, I believe, we're going to put that on iTunes. We filmed that in the Funhouse. So Pop-Off Vodka Presents. We have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist.

The Doug Stano Podcast T-shirts. Abortion is Green is Back by Popular Demand. Death of a Salesman as well. And we got stickers, CDs, DVDs. And now the Doug Stanoff store at Doug Stanoff dot com open 24 hours. People are doing methamphetamine and staying up. You never know what hour. So please go to the merch store at Doug Stanoo.com and buy some shit it keeps chaley

here it keeps the podcast going and uh you want that shit and anything else you want we'll make bye hey people when you're uh finished jacking off to ch to Chad Shank's voice and you go, there's got to be something even more hardcore. Try RedTube. Not to be confused with Redbox, who I just excoriated on my last podcast or this podcast. I don't know when this goes in. So go to RedTube and type in your favorite fetish and once you're done beating off all of that, they're all

connected. Pornhub, HubTube, I don't know. PornTube, YouPorn. Once I switched from YouPorn to RedTube, there was no going back. Yeah, that's true. I'm still a RedTube guy. Big fan, big fan.

I didn't know. Your world. Big fan, big fan. Big fan, big fan. I didn't know. Your world's about to change, sir. At one point, I don't know how you put videos up there. I think I was trying to... Submit to the... I was trying to get my fans to put my clips up under different fetish names, but I should have learned my lesson when I did Girls Gone Wild

and I thought it would be funny. You're just gonna make people really fucking hate you. Seems like an anger thing. A crank-fueled pound session. And then there's you doing a fisting joke. You like fisting? Here's a bit.

No. No, don't do that. Anyway, RedTube. Watch RedTube and they have new videos daily. But a lot of times I find myself beating off to that same old favorite.

The classics. You go, I'm going to go, I'm going to jerk off to, I remember that. The Red Badge of Courage. Humiliation handjob lady. Yeah, I'm going to come back to you. And no, I could never satisfy you with that dick that small.

Thanks for the cock ring. Red Tube, brought to you by the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Not affiliated with the color red or tubes. Or Redbox. Castle Rock Kenny For Mayor and Bidsby It's a no brainer Kenny is with us How you guys doing? He got his 10 minutes to No brainer. Kenny is with us.

How you guys doing? He got his ten minutes to formulate five opinions that we will rewrite, just like Derek's. I'm on the edge of my seat, sir. And you're standing. That's two minutes per opinion too much. Edge of your seat. I stop. Danny LaBelle, I'm sorry to just trash you for destroying two of my stools, you fat fuck.

You're a sweet kid, and it was a pleasure having you in Bisbee. Modern Day Philosopher is the podcast, I hope. He did my pikey show. The Swapcast will be on the 25th. So, yeah, I should have said something nice other than just saying you're a fat fuck that ruined my stools he did my pikey show and he was also a fat fuck that ruined all the stools seems like it's his thing we all gotta have a gimmick

his trademark oh yeah I guess we'll have to wait till the next podcast to see if we can fix the stool by applying fat in a different position in much the same way that Gilligan to see if we can fix the stool by applying fat in a different position. In much the same way that Gilligan regains his memory after having amnesia, we're just going to apply a fat person to the stool.

Bang him in the head with a coconut one more time. I just want to say how good it makes me feel to be referred to as applied fat. That's nice. All right, Kenny, what did you come up with? We need parks in all these neighborhoods in this town

that does not have a park. Bakerville, for one, does not have a park. We need a park. I suggest we build a park. Boring! Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean

a place to park? No, well, there's a lot of kids running around our neighborhood, and our neighborhood is the unsafest neighborhood in Bisbee, and we need to at least corral them in one spot. The unsafest.

Are you saying we wrangle up all of the kids and put them in one spot? At least let them play in the same area. Concentration parks? Not in the street? I'm just trying to get him out of the road Kennyforfuhrer.com is the website to check Kenny for mayor

when they asked for our kids we didn't say anything first they came for my children and I said nothing I'm trying to Concentration parts I did not call it concentration parts voters No your spin man did It's okay

Well there's a lot of abandoned houses In your neighborhood Well yeah we live around all of them There's a lot of abandoned houses in your neighborhood Well, yeah, we live around all of them There's a lot of Anne Frank space Over every park, we could put a little trellis That has the Latin words Play, act, fry Never mind, I just want the basketball court

Play shall set you free You really want to know the truth? I just want the basketball court for me, damn it I don't care about the kids, I just want to play basketball at night. That's why my candidate will win. He's a straight shooter. After a little bit. Bring back baseball to Bisbee at the oldest ballpark in the south of Mississippi.

Oh, his number four is bring back baseball. Strong! The old BYOB. Vote number one in the USA Today Bisbee for the best smallest town. That's my number three. I'm kind of running out of ideas. Well, three is a lot. Yeah, it is.

It is a lot. Well, two, he was out, technically. That was somebody else's idea. That's fine. Everything's somebody else's idea. You didn't know that? And number four, the kids in concentration camps. I'm serious about that.

That's what school is, isn't it? He's got a point. He's got a point. He's got a point. I agree with the reverend on the five days thing that he came up with. That's fine. Go with it. Wait, was that number two? Wait a minute. I think number four

is I agree with the other candidate. Where's my backup here? Fine. Go with it. I'm getting bullied by the other candidate on his number two. Where's my backup here? Fine. Go with it. I'm getting bullied by the other camp, and my backup's over here quiet. Hang on. No, he's bullying you, too. That's true.

My number four is his number two, and also fine. Go with it. I'm losing voters as we speak. That's fine. Kenny, slow down. Was that number two? That was two and three. Well, you have to...

What I'm going to do, because we have to build up to your number one, but we found on Derek's coaster at least, he spelled school S-C-O-O-L and police P-O-L-C-O-O-L. And police, P-O-L-I-E-C-E.

Yes, I called them on him. Sorry. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to look at yours. You check his spelling, Derek, while he does his number one. Kenny, you just accused Derek of spelling police correctly. No. I-E-C-E is not correct. I-E-C-E is not correct. I-E-C-E, yeah. Bree just pointed out

I said, hey, Derek, check his spelling after I've given Derek shit about how poorly he spells words. So, yeah, he's not the man for the job. I spell words so you can tell what they are. I don't care how many letters there are.

Hey, listen. My candidate, Derek Vermeer, knows that we don't need any H's laying about in words, not doing anything, not contributing to the sound of the word at all. These are extra letters we don't need in words, and we're going to cut them out. I completely agree with that, and I've actually done bits about it where Twitter is great because it's forcing you to misspell phonetically. Why is thought T-H-O-U-G-H-T if you can put T-H-O-T thought? But I wouldn't read a book that was spelled like that.

I don't need an apostrophe in can't. If I write C-A-N apostrophe T or no apostrophe, you still know I mean can't. Are you talking about Immanuel Kant? C-A-I-N- or no apostrophe. You still know I mean C-A-N. Are you talking about Immanuel Kant? C-A-I-N-T. Swedish philosopher? I don't know, Kate? No, because that's with a capital K. Of course.

There are two different meanings to that word. All right. Context. Your number one. They took my pad, so I need a minute. You don't remember your number one thing? What are you, Rick Perry? I actually didn't really. Brie, we need his notepad back. I didn't really have a number one thing? What are you, Rick Perry? I actually didn't really...

Brie, we need his notepad back. I didn't really have a number one idea. They took his notepad to correct his spelling, so he might not be able to read it when he gets it back. Uh-oh, fact check. No misspellings in Kenny's chicken scratch.

He's a big speller. He's a big speller. It's a no-brainer. I feel like he's part of the spelling 1%, and I think the other 99% spellers need to bring him down. You get your notepad, Chaley. That would be, when we do the debates as the season goes, that would be a nice beat is to do a spelling bee.

We'll allow some of the lesser candidates in if they want to come. The ones that have not promoted the USA Today poll. I think they're afraid. My number one is to take away the police vehicles that are just sitting in the parking lot doing nothing with full tanks of gas wasting our city's money on nothing.

So if you want to be a police officer in Bisbee, expect to walk around in downtown Bisbee and that's your beat. Sorry. Other than that, we're going to have the sheriff take care of your job. Thank you. Have a nice day. A lot of his platform was a bit derivative, I've found.

But don't worry. Once Bisbee is number one. I love the police. These are all unofficial. Unofficial. Unofficial. Spitballing. We're giving you an inside view of the writer's room

this is exactly what trump and hillary and bernie and governor gary johnson of the libertarian party that's how their campaign started is there an h in school with edel I don't know I'm gonna ask my advisors I just am thinking that we waste a lot of money on every cop having their own damn car to take home instead of sharing vehicles like they do in cities. What if they sold half the vehicles? Then sell them and give the money to the schools so that they can have the kids in

school. Yes. Because our school system sucks. Alright, that's my candidate. I got one more. I got a rag. I'm going to wrap it up. This is the sixth point in his top five. He's my candidate. I got one more. I got a rag. I'm going to wrap up. So this is the point in his top five. No, it's not. Oh, this is he's got a closer.

I got a closer. Leave me alone. Your candidate didn't get a fucking. He had no closing. Wait. Can I go to closer? Let him go. Hi.

I'm a wrap a quick liner. Sixteen vote for one between Derek the Reverend and Castle Rock. Kenny, who's down for the tourists that make our town flourish? It's a no brainer. Kenny for mayor. Yes, if you think brainer rhymes with mayor, then Kenny is your mayor. It doesn't, but it sounds alright. Alright, we're gonna

wrap it up. Hey, here's some announcements. Merchandise. We got it for sale. We got vinyl. We'll get to your dead mother on the next podcast, which might be in five minutes, but they won't know. Vinyl, we start shipping today.

This is out on Monday. Shipping today, we've been gone. We've been a little busy. It's flying off the shelves. I'm going to unfollow you. There's only 450. We only have 450 pressed on this run. 450. Numbered? Are they numbered? Probably not. Did you number them?

You were gone. I got time. Even if you don't care for Doug Stanhope's comedy, you can hear some Henry Phillips guitar and it's pretty sweet. Something to take the edge off. It's really good. Something to take the edge off. The other thing, too.

Boilermakers. Explain that to me. It's a shot glass and a shot. really good something to take the edge off the other thing too uh uh boiler makers explain that to me it's a shot glass and a shot different glass glass and a shot glass you also get the shot you don't get the shot it's a pint glass and a shot and there are two different graphics on there and uh yeah we reissued those from back in the uh was it 2008 when we did the uh big stink tour that was not 2008 that was not 2008. That was the... Yeah. No? 2012 was the Big Stink Tour.

All right, 2012 was the Big Stink Tour. We've reissued... That was fun? Yes. Hmm. Let's close this up. It doesn't sound... The next podcast is going to suck if we do it tonight.

It sounds accusatory the way you said it. Hmm. You mean accusatory? Accusatory. The Adderall kicked in, thanks to Adderall Jack. Adderall Jack. Adderall Jack. Someone's going to fucking send me a Stern-like song parody for Adderall Jack to Prince's Billy Jack bitch,

who was hospitalized. Did you see that, Death Pool? No. He was hospitalized. They had an emergency land his private jet in Iowa on the way back from a gig, and it was on trade day trade rounds for death pool. Get into the fucking celebrity death pool.

Joby has a big announcement coming up for celebrity death pool. Uh, boiler maker shots. Yeah. Go to the merge page by merge. It fucking keeps Chaley alive. Cause the only inherency gut was a whole trailer load of old furniture and a Ford focus with two dead bodies in the back.

Yep. How dare you, sir? Hey, by the way, I do have an employee now. Tracy is an employee, so Stanhope Store has one employee, and I think Chad's going to be working part-time. Oh, that's, not only do we need either. Those are for your paychecks. Not only do we need either Derek Foremayor with the number four yard signs,

whatever kind of schwag, if you're a guy that can make schwag. We also, the store has moved from Chaley's house down to a little tiny business on the decrepit, archaic Arizona Street, which is the main street of our section of Bisbee, where every business is closed. where every business is closed. And so I bought a going out of business sign, and I'm going to get a grand opening sign to put in the window of the shop on Arizona Street. If you could see Arizona Street, just Google Earth search Arizona Street, whatever number. Our shop is what?

I don't know. Even the city doesn't know. I'm paying electrical for someone's business. They can't tell which one. Any funny sign to put because we're going to have grand opening and going out of business together just to confuse. Again, no one

in this town knows even about the USA Today thing. No one knows that Castle Rock Kenny doesn't own Castle Rock, which is like not thinking, oh, you own Arches National Park. It's like this giant rock. Just so you people know, I threatened to jump off of it.

I don't own it. The point is, people would be so confused just by that business. Is it opening or going out of business? It doesn't make sense. They don't get the joke. So any signs that you can put in the fucking new Stanhope.com merchandise? They may be so mad about it that they call the police beat.

Why isn't the store open? It says it's opening soon. Gentrify Arizona Street. Free meth on Juneteenth. What? You can't give away methamphetamine. It's illegal. And when's Juneteenth. What? You can't give away methamphetamine. It's illegal. And when's Juneteenth?

A gacked out termite knocked on the window glass of a front Warren Street window earlier today. 4,000 t-shirts were stolen by a meth head. All right, so please get involved in the political process. Get involved in the political process. Follow at Kenny number four mayor on Twitter and follow at Derek D E R R I C K four number four mayor at Twitter. And their websites are the same with the dot coms. And thank you guys very much. We'll keep cranking out the podcast now that Chaley is back. Chaley is back. Chaley is back.

Hi, Chaley. Brett Erickson is at BrettNotBrett. And also you can go on Vimeo and buy my new special that I recorded at the Skyline Comedy Cafe for $8.99. Brett Erickson wants you to stop calling him a prophet. Can I pirate that somehow?

Probably not. You can't figure it out, but other people probably could. Probably can't even log into Vimeo. At HG Fatty, you know. And, oh, that next podcast. No, the most important thing is find that fucking USA Today, Bisbee. Number one. Best small historic town and fucking vote. We're number one.

We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. Let him go. Hot. I'm going to wrap a quick line of 16.

Vote for one between Derek the Reverend and Castle Rock Kenny, who's down for the tourists that make our town flourish. It's a no-brainer. Kenny for mayor. You guys made me too nervous.