The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #135: Chaille's Dead Mom is in the Trunk, Kenny & Derrick are No-Brainers

Episode Date: April 20, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble   Chaille's Dead Mom is in the Trunk, Kenny & Derrick are No-Brainers. Let's keep Bisbee #1! Vote daily for Bisbee in USAToday's 10 Best small historic towns contest at - http://www.10best.com/awards/travel/best-historic-small-town/bisbee-ariz/?post_id=10156918976220151_10156920120505151   Recorded April 17, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Brett Erickson (@brettnotbrent), Chad Shank (@hdfatty), Castle Rock Kenny (@kenny4mayor), Rev. Derrick (@derrick4mayor), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS: Castle Rock Kenny 4 Mayor Website http://www.kenny4mayor.com/   Rev. Derrick 4 Mayor Website - http://www.derrick4mayor.com Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Okay, so I'm recording. No, no, I'm sorry. So you can remember this later. No, I'm saying do we have another podcast in us? Don't worry about it. Just keep talking. All right. Well, then if we're recording, we're podcasting.

This is a Doug Stanhope podcast. Right on the heels of another Doug Stanhope podcast you heard earlier in the week. And the fucking Vantive thing, that was just a dick move. I've just been writing down stuff because every time we podcast, Chad Shank, what have you been doing? Like, do you, someone have a story? Like, we have to have an epic story. Your mother died, but that's trivial.

Chaley, I walked into the fucking bank. It was one of those overseas tours. I think it was Australia where Brian tried to set up. I think it's the similar to how you use the square for credit cards. Yes, because you can't, it's not just because you have an account set up in America or North America. It doesn't transfer to taking credit cards in South America or in the UK.

Uh, whatever it was, Brian tried to set up through my bank where we could get brown paper tickets, money. That's what it was, yeah. To get into my bank account so there's none of this – whatever bullshit he understands and I don't. Thanks, Obama. So we go down to my bank where, again, in this town, they know you by name. I walk in in my fucking pajamas. Hi, Dougoug what's up

we signed up for this thing and the only thing we needed it for was to transfer international money so we sign up for this service it's like 50 bucks a month or something processing credit card i don't know and we told him this is just for international because of this tour, and then we're going to cancel it. Well, immediately after we set it up, Brian finds out, oh, the only thing you can't do on it is international. Like, we told you. Then they kept billing me for over a fucking year.

I'd get the bill, and I'd just pay shit. Later, like, we never used that we canceled that and i call and they go oh i'm sorry well then a couple months later i realized wait this is that thing that we canceled four fucking times over a year i've been paying for this thing we never used four times tried to cancel it. And the last time I was vigilant. Well, did you get a device? I don't know. He set it up. Brian, call this fucking bank.

Here's the number. Then I get a bill this week in the mail. Vantive. And I just I marched down in my PJs and they're sweet. The sweetest ladies at the bank. And they go, hi, Doug, how's it going? I go,

I'm sorry, but this is just getting so irritating. I was going to do a bill burr, bill burr on one of his podcasts. When we were on the road a couple of years ago was talking about go down. They don't have the money. I wish junior was here to do bill burr. Take all his money out.

Yeah. You can never get you. You think they have that money there? They don't. You think you're going to get $200,000 in the bank? You think they got it? No. So I was going to like, hey, this is what I'm going to do. Since we've canceled this four times,

what I'm going to do is just take out all of my money in cash and put it under my mattress until you can get this canceled. I didn't do that because you can't be a dick locally but i said listen this is getting really irritating it's been over a year like this is getting into the hundreds of dollars i just did my taxes so that's where i'm seeing vantive vantive vantive and she goes no no we cancel that. And they were supposed to give you a refund. I'm waving the fucking envelope in her face as I'm talking. $700. I didn't open the fucking envelope.

So as she's telling me that they've refunded all my money, she's slowly got her thumb opening the envelope. And I go, you know, that's going to be a notice that you've refunded my money. I'm going to look like a big jerk. I couldn't say dick because they're nice ladies. Probably the check. And as she goes, and then she opened it and it was exactly that. I go, sorry, I guess I look like a big jerk.

Have a nice day. Much like a lot of other times in your life, she's put her thumb into you and slowly worked it until you were free and everything was fine. This is a fucking stretch for a dick joke, sir. Come on. I know it is late. I know it's early for the podcast listener, but it's late for us.

We'll keep it alive. They're spitting coffee out right now. It's still early for us, and it's late. Only because it's bad coffee, not because it was a good joke. Oh, that was our last podcast, I just remembered, because i have in my notes another daytona wrap-up that's what we did i think on our last podcast that was it that hasn't aired that has not aired that's the one that hasn't aired or maybe it had i don't know this is the jaylee says i want to do a daytona wrap-up and i think it'll still be brand new because we remember bits and pieces.

The Daytona wrap-ups have now exceeded the amount of time the Daytona experience actually took up, right? Like, there's been more Daytona wrap-ups than there were Daytona. You tell me. I don't know. No, no, no. I believe you. We're about there.

Daytona wrap-up, that's a condom, right? That was the funnest, ridiculous moment. The Daytona Wrap-Up is the condom you put on after you watch the performers at the Comedy Killers show and you go, I never want to have children. Listen, this is the problem, is it actually was a good show and there was no problem. Doug was the biggest, well, no, That one cunt that was a whore.

I was the biggest problem? You were the biggest heckler the first night. Oh, jeez. By far. By far. And I haven't released the video yet because we did the. Second night was worse. Oh, jeez.

But the first night. The first night I have you trying to explain the Bill Burr puppet act real time. Like trying to explain it on stage. That was hilarious. And I want everyone to go see the Bill Burr Puppet Act on YouTube. Just go to StanhopeTV on YouTube, and you can see it. I am going to produce the pre-show and then the show. The director's cut.

The director's cut. You sent it. I have the night before. You sent it. Shaley sent it to Kerry Mitchell and I with the text, here's the video, and I'm not, who was the text? I'm not even going to try to explain to you what Doug was trying to get to happen. So we watch it, and within 10 seconds, I said to Mitchell, I go,

I know exactly what he was trying to explain. He was trying to explain to Sean Ross that you look like Bill Burr, and to Junior, you sound like Bill Burr. Let's make this happen. It shouldn't have been that difficult a thing. He did it as a puppet. He did it on stage with another guy.

I can't wait to see that video because that was fucking... As funny as the puppet act was the second night, you trying to explain it to them the first night when we were all fucking hammered was hilarious. And Erickson understanding in 20 seconds what's going on. 24 hours went by, and we podcasted about it,

and we were actually going to try and rehearse it. And Doug's like, no rehearsing. We're just going to talk about it. Still, until they got on stage and did it, we didn't know what was going to happen. I don't think Junior fully understood until he got off stage. Someone at the baseball game, shout out to Junior Stopka, that was asking Kenny if he's really running for mayor and asking his platform, then

said that him and his wife that was there were at the show that you guys did. He goes, I mean, everyone was phenomenal, but that fucking long-haired guy from Chicago was the fucking – the fucking killed me. He's so fucking funny.

The best. Yes. He should have been at the baseball game. Junior in a vintage baseball outfit. Erickson. That would be fucking great. That would be great. He looks like an Indian.

He was so – He looks like the chief from – Erickson. Erickson. Erickson. Junior Stavka on the Comedy Killers tour on the two days in Daytona was so professional.

What? Exactly. I wanted everyone to hear what I'm saying. He was the Shaley of the group because Shaley and stanhope were not working that weekend you're saying professional you don't mean that just graded on a curve compared to the other performance that's what i was gonna say legitimately not relatively speaking you mean legitimately bookable if there was money if there was if there was money changing hands he would

have been the one to do the settlement wow but I'm not sure there was money changing hands at the end of the show. But he was the one worried about people going on stage and doing time, and then I found out no one had time allotted. Right. Second night. Second night. How long are you guys doing? I don't know.

As though comedy never existed until they did it, and they were just discovering it and making their own rules? Junior was the first guy. So wait, so comedy was like the monolith in 2001, and they were the monkeys that found it. Swinging their arms. They bashed it against the Daytona Rock. Never thought about a time limit.

Junior's like, maybe we should do set times. What? Junior, as an example of his professionalism, if you watch the show Baskets on FX with Zach Galifianakis, it's the funniest. And Martha Kelly, who you've never stopped giving me shit about when I said Booker at Coots, which I know it's the fucking wrong place. But she was great. it's the fucking wrong place, but she was

anywhere. She's so fucking good. The show is the funniest show on television. And if you watch the show, Junior is the guy that runs the rodeo. Yes. That kind of professionalism. Junior's not old. Junior's not

65 years old. I know, but yeah. He's the least professional professional. Someone has to run the fucking carnival. He was wringing his hands over what the fuck was happening. It's like, you have no dog in this fight. You were just, you actually, you drove the car from Chicago. That's why. A $500 car that he bought from a fucking busboy.

He drove the car to Florida, and that's the only investment he has in the entire thing. You just have to get home. He got on a car that he bought from a fucking bus boy. He drove the car to Florida, and that's the only investment he has in the entire thing. You just have to get home. Meanwhile, they were deciding who was going to go up first 10 minutes after the show was supposed to have started. Who should have gone up first? And no one ever, ever broached the subject of how much time are you going to do

or how are you ending the show. that would just be evident to someone. It's great. That's the way the comedy killers do it. Comedy killers. Yes, we do. The second night you were such a bad heckler that Andy asked me to light him at 20 minutes so I was in the back trying, and you told him to close at like 10 and a half

he did less than 15 minutes on a show he was one third of the headliners Stanhope told me to close with that I don't know what happened I kind of felt some false air of authority because they insinuated that I

was part of the show because your picture was on the t-shirt. And they're selling merch with my picture on the t-shirt. Hold on a second. Peter O'Keefe and Mike Panzer. Panzer. Fucking great. Mike's Losers.

Mike's Losers, yeah. That guy was so fucking funny. Those guys were great hosts, and they fucking pulled it off in a town that they don't want comedy. It's Daytona. When I was actually performing, no one showed up. He went out of his way to not say in any way that Doug was going to be doing time, which we did the same thing here at the Bisbee Royale

for the Super Bowl show. I turned away people who bought tickets, and I bought the tickets back from them, who was like, how much time is Doug doing? Doug's doing no time. You ended up doing time at the Royale show. I appreciate Peter O'Keefe for not – like he did call it Doug Stenholm's birthday show.

And he put Doug's face on the T-shirt. Listen, that doesn't imply that Doug's doing time. That just means it's happening on Doug's birthday. Exactly. And that's a fact. I'm with Peter on That just means it's happening on Doug's birthday. Exactly. And that's a fact. I'm with Peter on this. I'm with Peter. I am too.

It's on the podcast where we said, hey, listen, I'm going to this show. It's three of my favorite comedians in my life, including Carlin and Pyre and all the fucking guys you'd mentioned. Yes, I'm going to that show. I think it was a bigger sell because people were like, he's not performing and going to disappear. He's going to be hanging out, and we get to hang out. Oh, that's the rub. That's where they made their mistake.

Because Doug, which ended up being the truth, did not want to be on stage to do time, but had no problem just going up and derailing every fucking seat. It's just walking on stage whenever I want. Well, you went to the table where the chick who, you know, it's Daytona. We're at the place next to where MTV invented Spring Break in the 86. 16. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

16, 86. 18, 86. Prudence, show me your nipples, Prudence. But you went to the table and slapped your hand on the thing and told her to shut the fuck up. And then the guy that was with her was standing on the table. How is this solving anything? You're like, ah!

But the show is fun. We have fun. So wait, so as good as you are at comedy, you're actually even better at going to comedy shows. That really is your actual talent, is attending comedy shows and making them be better. He's a professional heckler. I got to say, pretty good.

I'm one of USA Today's top ten guys that go to shows. Vote now. Actually, that go to shows. Vote now. Actually, that would be funny. Doug just goes to your show to make it better. Yeah. By not doing anything but heckling and buying drinks and spending a lot of money. We walked into the fucking green room.

There was no fucking booze. And they're like, I think we've covered this. Okay, yeah. But that would be a good Bert Kreischer. Every time I do a podcast with Bert, was no fucking booze and they're like would that we've really i think we've covered this okay yeah but that would be a good uh burt kreischer every time i do a podcast with burt we have to do a top three or whatever we do we did there you did the top five comics that you would go out on the road with and then we did top five on his podcast we did top five guys you tour with and on this swap cast we did top five podcast guests yes but that would be a top five comics you'd want to get heckled by

there you go oh that's i know my top one save it for when i think next time burke comes here he can't leave until we set a date in stone of when he returns to Bisbee. And we hold him to it. Because he always wants to end the tour by coming here. Yeah, we've got to get his wife here, too. What? Well, someone's got to watch this. That'll be easy.

Yeah, I guess not. Well, no, she's just a sweetheart. No. But she doesn't go to his shows and doesn't like comedy. So why bring her here? That's why she's still married to a comedian. He actually did his special down in Irvine. Irvine.

April 1st. April 1st. And that's coming out. When that comes out, we'll put the links on DougSandhoff.com. Good. Yeah, I think maybe the next step is getting Chad Shank to L.A. For what? For everything.

Bert's podcast. Oh, do a junket with you. We did the Airbnb again. Yeah. We did. Do all the shit. I'm pretty sure we can't stay at the same place. Compare L.A.

Compare that to Daytona. Daytona was mellow. You guys had me scared for Daytona. And then Daytona, we ducked out before. LA's easy, dude. We were like old men in Daytona. LA's just crowded. That's the only issue you'd have.

No one's a douchebag. They don't risk a fist fight because they just got a fucking nose job. Right, right. Headshots. Although we really appreciate the muscle behind us. I'm in. I told us. I'm in. I told Chad. I'm officially in for this trip. It made it super easy

because we weren't working, Doug and I, and Chad was. Because at the end of the shows or whatever, you went right down. That's why merch sales tanked. You went right down and started smoking out front, and I didn't have to worry about it, which was great. Which reminded me of when Chadad was on tour with us that was his job was just to

kind of hang with you which was great and at the same time it is one of those things where he i felt like he was kind of everyone called him the oh that's your bouncer that's your bodyguard yeah the first on the tour this time it was mr Shank, can you sign something for me? Yeah. Which was pretty cool. Different world now. But yeah, LA would be fucking phenomenal with Chad. I have to go there anyway in a couple weeks. Don't have an exact date.

So yeah, let's work that out. We worked out some Kenny, Derek Vermeer stuff between the last podcast and this podcast in that 10 minutes. But yeah, that's going to be fun. What else you got? You got anything? Well, we get to Chad. You plug in any dates. Oh, well, it turns out I'm going to L.A. pretty soon.

We got to get a seriously considering selling something. I don't know about that. out I'm going to L.A. pretty soon. I'm seriously considering selling something. I don't know about that. That's where I was going. We've got to get a Chad Shank. I'm thinking like the Bill Murray, the ubiquitous Bill Murray. It's not like the Obama hope. It's not multicolored. It's a silhouette shot.

People have the Bill Murray t-shirts. Yeah, you can make that into a – I think the Chad Shank head. We're already working on – Kind of like that. Oh, you've got something in play? We're working on something for – Is this related to Bill Murray t-shirts I think the Chad Shank head we're already working on we're working on something this is related to Bill Murray Chad has an idea for a shirt that we're going to do I'm going to do a limited run of those

it has a connection to Bill Murray and we'll talk about it later but the other one we're going to do to be fair I had an idea about something for my garage wall and then you guys said it would be a t-shirt. I don't want people to think I have ideas for t-shirts. I'm not that pretentious.

No, no, no. There's nothing wrong with having ideas for t-shirts, buddy. We're pushing you into this. Get pretentious then because people want them. The thing I want to do is with Halloween this year in front of Black Knob, Chad is the butcher of Black Knob, and we did it last year. I like that. And we're going to do a photo shoot, and we're going to do t-shirts for Butcher of Black Knob. Chad is the butcher of Black Knob, and we did it last year. I like that. And we're going to do a photo shoot, and we're going to do T-shirts for Butcher of Black

Knob, and then we're going to align ourselves with a charity this year for trick-or-treaters out in front of Black Knob. And we've already started, and the only reason I'm doing this is because I spent way too much money in St. Louis. I'm over budget. So the charity is... Actually, Doug, you're over budget. The charity is for

Chaley needs money but Chad also needs money Because That way we can force him to be on every podcast I understand what you're trying to do here But what I'm trying to say is for Halloween We are so fucking stoked About what we're going to do this Halloween And we're going to align it with a charity

Whatever you want Doug Innocence Project is always my charity, and I think yours, too. Yeah, absolutely. Do they take canned food? Maybe, right? Well, you send it, and you see what they say. They'll send it back. Innocent people are hungry.

We are going to do T-shirts, though, for Butcher Black Knob. And then we've got some other ideas that we're working on. All right. Let's not belabor something that sounds like a plug you don't even have the merch let's get to your dead mother that we skipped over because i have it's in my goddamn notes we were drunk last night i go i'll never remember this but i'll write it down and uh your mother died of aids ep-by. Epically of AIDS. Much like Freddie Mercury. She was doing fucking shots of Jägermeister on the hotel balcony,

and she said, I can make the pool from here. It was before that. She had the champagne bong. Champagne, we call it. So you've been out there leaving me just hijacked alone here and collecting your stuff, and you've got to put the house up for sale. We know the drill. Well, yeah, it is quite a drill, but I've got to tell you,

my mom has been talking about her death for about five years. I've been talking about it since I was 32, 14. But in my notes, I have eulogy notes. Yeah, what? That's something you were telling me. It was a funny story. I said, save it for the podcast. Well, she had written out everything we're going to do,

like note for note. Like, these are the passages. This is what you're going to do like I want all of the grandkids, which they don't do that anymore. This is dated 1991. On my death, I want you to play – Wow, I thought I was pretentious. Skid Row.

There were a couple – Play Deep Purple, My Woman from Tokyo. She did say – What? Oh, fuck. I wish we would – I'd give you the – they're all like the things at the Cantor, which that's Catholic for a singer. Why not a singer?

Wait, she's Jewish? No. I thought a Cantor was a... It's a Catholic. No, I know what you're saying. Look, I don't fucking understand either. I went through catechism. I got confirmed and all that.

I was getting up and kneeling and standing. It kept going. Oh, Catholic services are theeling and standing. Like, it kept going. Oh, Catholic services are the worst. It's insane, right? It's like three days at least. Oh, for three more people died during marriage and service. You've got to march down to dig the hole and fucking, there's all kinds of crazy shit. Yeah, it's bad on the knees.

Anyway, yeah. Catholics and NFL linemen have the worst knee problems. Catholics and Mike Webster. She lined it all out. It was actually pretty simple what we had to do. And the details now are just selling a house and getting rid of the junk. Here's the thing that I found interesting. It's a eulogy story that you're skipping.

Oh, yeah. She had everything lined out. Even what we're supposed to... Hey, you slipped this to the organist. The tips? She laid out tips. She laid out how much tips. $100 for the singer.

$100 for the fucking organist. Yeah, and that's on top of whatever they get anyway, right? This was like... Did they have it on her? Hey, a little something for the effort. It's like, what the fuck? You better play Inigata De Vida if you're giving you $100. Man, that's really detailed.

Yeah, she went down all the way, and she wanted this Father Luke who gave her last rites in front of me. Not our Father Luke. No, no, no, no, the Father Luke of the Catholic Church. And he's not available to preside, and that's a big problem. Father Luke would sit for an hour with the family and talk about Mary Gin, what was going on, like, tell me some stories about Mary Gin. I want to find out about Mary Gin.

And he would do this whole thing. Father Mike, he gets up and he starts talking about mary jinn but he calls her mary which my mom has never ever been called mary in front of all the people that know she's never ever been called mary everyone in our family's looking like you really you didn't even try the money no oh fuck no fuck no do you usually slip the priest money? No. If you want a good one. The service started on time.

No fucking flickering lights. It's like, we're going to start at 10 o'clock. We're still out front. We had to run in because all of a sudden it started. All right, funeral's on. Here we go. Mary's dead. Go, go, go, go, go.

Probably a nice lady. We got union guys here. We're going to be fucking closing on time. Tobacco is almost out of gas. He basically, his eulogy of my mother, where he called her Mary, which then we're all like, this is fucking done. His eulogy was more. It's like calling Chad Shank Mary at his funeral.ogy was that's like calling chad shank mary

at his funeral it was mary died long hair goldilocks mary your friend mary it might as well but he talked about himself in most of it and relating him his own personal stories and then i went up and did the eulogy for my mom and i i ended up getting a laugh on this one point, which I love that. That's how I describe many of my comedy performances. I ended up getting a laugh. Five stars. You also refer to them as a eulogy sometimes. No, the audience does.

But to try and get a laugh and then to get the laugh at a funeral, I love that. That worked, right? that worked right and he fucking tagged it at after and i'm like you motherfucker you don't even you didn't even mention cinnamons and now you fuck it you did your thing you called her the wrong name and then you tag it with cinnamons after i got the fucking lap is kind of bullshit what a pain in the ass but i mean that was really other than some of the shit i told erickson on the way out here from california

uh it's it went pretty smooth and it's because my mom had everything laid out we got a a trust set up in 2006 uh actually actually 2004 and then uh everything. So you've been waiting for this. Oh, fuck. She had everything laid out. Everything. Everything. So the key here is that you can never do this after someone dies. Then you're fucked. And we did it a long time ago, before the market turned.

I'm already taking notes for myself. I was going to say, I mean, unless you work this out in advance, the government will take it. I want my ashes thrown in the face of a comic from a headquarters. Can't do it. Can't do it. There's zero chance we're not doing a six months at Bernie's thing with you. Hang on.

We have a party that goes on. Before I forget, because my brain goes, someone tweeted me yesterday, hey, did you ever consider doing this with your mother? And it was, you can have your ashes burned into vinyl. Yes. Like an album. And you can have your ashes put into anything. Remember when we tried to sell mother's ashes on eBay?

Yeah. Oh, but if you put it into a fucking goofy piece of merchandise. So that's a fucking cash cow right there. This is the deal. You can't sell the record? No, you can't. When remains, or the Catholic Church calls them cremains, when they're moved from place to place,

you need a certificate of dispensation. So I don't even know how you would do the vinyl thing, because you're selling a fucking record on eBay. It's about music. need a certificate of dispensation so i don't even know how you would do the vinyl thing because we're selling a fucking record on ebay it's about music well no you're telling well well i don't know how you do it over to you because because here's the thing but shaley said to me about with mary jen is that thank you by the way thank you for saying mary Jane. The way they dealt with her ashes, it's the same as if they handed her or handed him her body. Or an arm.

It's treated like an actual body. You wouldn't be able to just give a dead body out to someone on eBay. Ashes are treated that same way. That's not legal rules. No, that's legal. No, that's legal rules. That's fucked up, right?

I know that part. You know that story. We tried to sell her ashes for the listener. We tried to sell her ashes on eBay for charity. It's like you're trying to sell a dead arm. You have just as much luck. That's the same as saying, well, you can't sell that tomato because dead people were in the earth. Yeah, you should be.

An album grew out, a vinyl album grew out of my mother i can't sell that at what point is it back to just part of fucking nature i i don't know and even the uh the mortuary guy was that i was talking to how do you first of all you know all of this because you were already trying to sell your mother's cremains. In your head. I wanted her remains to come back to Bisbee because I didn't know what to do with them when we were selling the house. And he goes, oh, so they're moving

from California to Arizona? Are you sure? I was like, yeah, that's what I just said. Hold on. Hold on. They had to make sure there's not fruit flies in it. He said. That is valid, by the way.

That is valid. She did love her citrus. He said. Half a grapefruit. That's how I keep my weight. Are you sure? Are you sure you're not keeping them here in California? And it's like the whole wink, wink.

This is what we want to say because this is the way we have to do it. I go, well, I'm staying in the house for another two weeks. He goes, let's just put that down. And it's like, that's the fucking bullshit of it. I could just drive in the car and come here and it wouldn't be a big deal. It's getting back out through the border checkpoint. Dog sniffing salt. If you take the cremains that say these two are now being transferred to this spot over here,

and if it's out of state, it's even fucking more paperwork and more money. When my dad died, his pastor guy, guy the new guy that is his protestant church whatever they call the fucking guy we're cleaning out his my dad's shit and he comes at the house and we're like because he had like an old bible and he i was not as arrogant back then we go yeah we shouldn't like chuck this in the dumpster now i'd now i'd sell it uh but then i was a younger and uh so we called him up he came over like do you want these and the guy he goes to be honest with you and i think it's because he knew i was a comedian uh said it's just a fucking book and he said fucking the pastor yeah but then later we heard some uh rumors

about why he was in the church to begin with maybe to be around young people i don't know hey young people are pretty great yeah but it i it almost pissed me off like if anyone else said that it's a fucking book yeah you're absolutely right but the way he said it was almost like yeah but yeah my dad fucking like he did everything in his life for that church not he wasn't religious he just he liked taking care of he did senior lunch there are a lot of people who like who this is my experience growing up not as a non-religious person but all the people that i grew up with my family and all that they didn't give a shit about religion but they went to church because they cared about the fellowship of the church like hanging out with the people from their

town and that's what it was and it didn't matter they actually didn't listen to the bullshit ghosty jesus stories they were just like hey we're gonna have lasagna after this is over and that's gonna be kick-ass oh by the way by the way, in funeral parlance, lasagna is called death food. That always shows up at the house when someone dies. My niece, my younger sister,

she died when she was 32. And her daughter and son, they had lasagna for months packed in their fucking thing. She still does not eat lasagna to this day that's alex uh alex omera from here that's been on the podcast uh he said that's the hardest part when someone dies and i know you were fucked up about it and i said told tracy to tell you don't call me i'm the worst guy i never called you i know but she told me that you were... I made some jokes, but Alex said the worst part about death

is when they stop bringing food. Then it becomes real? Yeah, then it's just you're alone in this fucking house. The party's over. And you had to sit alone in that fucking house for a while. Now my mom's dead, and I don't have any lasagna. Lasagna, where are you when I need you most? That was the toughest part because when I first left here to go there,

Tracy was staying here for another week, and I went there right away because my brother, he was going to be out of town and stuff. So I went there to take over, and I was sitting in a house that was exactly as it was when she was alive. Now she was gone, and I'm there by myself. And that's where I grew up, 41 years. 41 years. Trying to make me cry.

Tracy, if she was here, would be crying. Oh, absolutely. And without her, I'm trying to make you cry. No, you can't make me cry. I feel like I had it so easy when my mom died, because I was an only child, and then she didn't leave any instructions, and I just lied and said she didn't want any services or anything

and just left town. Like her whole family. And then she was like, remember that whole note and that discussion we had? And you're like, what? I don't remember any of that. She's like, I gave it to you clearly from the grave. She's like, Chad, I told you my exact instructions.

And you're like, I guess she never said anything about anything. I don't know. She honestly never did say anything. And my logical thinking was that she lived in a small town, and she was a sociopath who lied to everybody. So everybody that knew, like people in the town. She was going to lie about being dead? She was good at it.

She had a ton of friends, except for a ton of people knew her as a Catholic. And then a ton of people knew her as a Catholic. And then a ton of people knew her as a Baptist, because she just lied to whoever and said, yeah, I'm with you. It's like Fight Club, where they go to every different self-help meeting. That's where I get it. I'm good at it. I got it from her.

But I knew then I was like, she wouldn't want all of these people under one roof trying to compare stories, because then her image is going to be tarnished because she was a good bullshitter in life, and it's all going to be for naught if all these people talk to each other. She wanted to be buried in a muddy bank on a crick. She said, you're my biggest boy, Chad,

so carry me to the crick. We're Rivers-Edgians. So I just said she desired no services and have a good day and left town. We gave both of our parents to science, which is what they wanted. What I want to do with me is just give me to people who want to poke bodies. But you have to do that now. You can't wait. No, but as officially, because I'm an atheist

and I don't give a fuck about any of it. So my first thought was, well, I'll just be cremated. But then I thought, well, I'll even bother to do that. Just give, once I'm dead, like I remember David Cross saying, hey, you can just put me in a trash can

by the side of the road. It doesn't matter. Oh, let necrophiliacs fuck me. That's fine too. I don't give a fuck. Honestly, I don't care. Whatever you guys decide is, like you have ailiacs fuck me. That's fine, too. I don't give a fuck. Honestly, I don't care. Whatever you guys decide is, like, have a bunch of

committee meetings that go on way too long to decide what to do with me. It doesn't matter. Do whatever it is. We'll do a poll and get, like, Castle Rock Candy or Derek I officially don't care where they rank me in their top five of what should we do with Blood, Stead, Body. It doesn't matter. Maybe on the next

podcast, we should just have our wills. Just write up what we want done with us. This is what was great about my mom. She wrote everything down on like a regular notebook paper, and it was like one and a half pages. And it detailed everything, and it said, hey, this is to my kids. It said my brother and I were twins. And then my youngest sister.

And she's three years younger than us. And that's it. And this wasn't the living trust. All the legal stuff was already taken care of. And the amendments to that, everything's done, right? But it's like, hey, to my kids, this is what we're going to do. She listed everything down to the details. Like I said, the cantor, whatever.

What songs are going to be sung? And then at the end, it's like, or don't do any of it. I won't know. But listen. Don't worry. Be happy. That was it. She says, I won't know. You can do that or not.

Your mom is one of those people who is Christian and religious, who is the kind of person who took the good part of it and was just nice to everyone because she thought, I should nice to everyone yeah and didn't care about the rest of it and that's the that's my dad that's the that's the small minority so it's like i don't give a fuck what you do with my body because i whatever that's her part going ah i get it overall what you know no she meant about the songs nothing well that was she didn't even mean the song she might just play them in any order there but those are the songs not the box well that was she didn't even mean the songs she meant just play them in any order but those are the songs

you better play those fucking songs that's actually a funny way to go about it you almost got me by the way make up your rules and make them

so fucking horrific to sit through they just no they just get more and more convoluted so the people are like what he liked the

pina colada song he wanted the pina colada song five times in a row. I actually introduced him to Rupert Holmes Jr. And he acted like he didn't care. But it is one of those things where if you have everything laid out, it makes it so much easier for everyone when it comes down to it. You're not making those decisions on what do we do.

Because as fucked up as it can be i we had it easy i my sister my sister she tried to fuck things up and she still might and we'll cut this all out don't worry we'll edit this i'm just saying that this is what shaley always does for us when we go we're out over our skis and he's like i I'll fix this later. And I'm like, Shaley, you're out over your skis right now. You don't want to say this into microphone. I still want to ask if anybody... I already know it, and you're right 100%, but don't.

I still want to know if anybody put forth since she had an addendum at the end, or don't. Did anybody be like, do you know how much money we can save if we just do the or don't option? Who's in? She did say or don't. Here's the beauty of the addendum. And finally, if anyone has any problem with the way any of this goes down,

you get nothing. Oh, perfect. And that was her and my dad both said that in the first one. Wow. If you have any problem with the way Michael and Gregory are handling this thing, they are the executors. If anyone has a problem, then you are now excluded from everything. And it's fucking great because everything should be the will of the person. I'm going to do that same thing at the end.

My kids are going to go, but he also has nothing. So where's the threat? Yeah, mother didn't have a will go, but he also has nothing. Where's the threat? We already got nothing. For a reason, because she had nothing. My mom didn't have a will. She had a trust. Everything was put into a trust, which is very different. And when you do this in advance,

looking at you, when you do this, then everything's taken care of. You don't want a will. You want a living trust, is what you want. Shaley's mom wanted all of her shit to go to all the people in her family that she knew, and she wanted to know the stories of where this was going, where that was going, and that's a beautiful thing.

Tape. That's the last thing that you can do. So she put tape on everything. And she said, all right, so you just put some tape on it. Put your name on it and put tape underneath it. I got my own roll of blue tape. And she said, all right, so you just put some tape on it. Put your name on it and put tape underneath it. And I'm looking at shit. I got my own roll of blue tape. I'm like, well, it looks like there's a blue piece of tape on it.

I thought we were donating the refrigerator. I don't even know that guy. He's like, well, it turns out the fucking DVD player is his. Another Brechels. Tracy, I was trying to get you to cry. I was talking about his mother and him sitting there in the house alone. Last time he was there, she was alive. Get on the mic, Tracy.

Get on the mic. Get on the mic, Mike. All right. Well, when you start crying, get on the mic. All right. Bingo. Every time she cries, she cries so adorable that I can't help but laugh. And I think Tracy would want you to have said adorably right there

because she loves grammar. Tracy did cry when we were leaving because when she left the house the other day, that was the last time she was going to be there, and it was kind of sad. All right. We were there 41 years. I mean, we've been there, well, we moved there in 74, and my parents, that was their only place.

She didn't have any of dad's good leisure suits from the 70s? You know what? She pitched all that. That's the beauty, is she went through the entire house and got rid of anything and everything that she didn't need or any of the kids didn't want, which made it so fun. Oh, shit, that's what Bingo's doing now with the de-hoarding. Maybe she has a sickness I don't know about.

Old age? Bad knee? Hip? Broken hip? My grandparents are doing the same thing. My grandma said, do you want this? I'm getting rid of this. I'm getting all rid of all this stuff.

And it's the same thing that she told me that if we both go, I want you to be the executive of our state because and it's for the same reason why you were put in this position it seems is because i'm somebody that they trust to just carry out their wishes without any personal involvement it doesn't involve me your stuff is not my stuff yes all i'm doing is making sure you're the perfect person because you don't want to fucking deal with anyone but the only way that that will happen is if you legally and you can do it for 200 bucks or or whatever it's it's it's not very expensive but you you don't even need a lawyer you can get a paralegal to set all this stuff up i don't know i was about to uh just cheers everybody in this room because backdoor mike tracy deb stocks are all. And I was going to toast everyone for not having fucking kids that we're going to put this through.

And then I remember Erickson. Oh, sorry. He doesn't have kids. He has adults. Yeah, they have adults now. Yeah, I do too. They're fine. Oh, that's right.

You have a kid too. All right. So my whole theory is flawed. Yeah. I should not write Kenny's platform tonight. If my kids fuck up now, they go to jail. Yeah. I don't have to accept phone calls.

I canceled my life insurance and my ex-wife was like, well, what are our kids going to do if they die? And I go, I don't know. They're 22 and 20. Get jobs? Life insurance? My wife canceled their health insurance. They still qualify until they're 23.

We're not paying for it. Fuck insurance. They still qualify until they're 23. Yeah. We're not paying for it. Fuck them. They can get jobs and get their own health insurance. That's good, though. That's good. That's good. Yeah, it's good, except none of them have health insurance.

And life insurance, you should never monetize your own death. That's just a rule I've always, I think, played us. I remember I had that note in a notebook somewhere about gambling i disagree the only way it pays off is if you die every forensic file start with well the motive was when i uh his new wife took out a 750 000 well guess what happened three days after that and you get to spend none of that money when i was talking to the Congresswoman's office last week about why I needed my Social Security benefits reinstated for being disabled, for being mentally unstable, I made sure to mention that, well, I just suppose I'm worth more dead than alive.

If that's the case, if you're not going to help me provide for my family, I guess there's only one way left. I'm not saying I'm going to do that. I'm just not saying that's the fun part about Derek versus Kenny for mayor is is spinning bullshit. Like you could. Yeah, we have to spin it on a lower level. But being able to spin, I missed the telemarketing, the fraudulent. It wasn't it wasn't ripping people off it was

being able to how do i spin this pitch to make it this is a good place to plug the same thing it's the same thing comedy is though how do i take this horrible unbookable situation or a eulogy with chaley and get a laugh how do i get something out of? And it doesn't matter what the actual words are. It's just that you, that was the intent and you managed to make it happen. Most of my act over the years has been from the point of view of a defense attorney. How do I spin this subject? Get a laugh. Reading your audience.

Knowing your audience. And be able to argue it after the fact with a heckler. What you said. Well, deny this. I'm not from here. I'm just saying the only thing I know about this Look at all perspectives. is that my client has been a fine, upstanding individual.

First of all, have you ever put the city council thing? It was on a podcast, but we have footage on Tracy's phone when I went to city council. No, that goes with the podcast that you guys sent me. It's evergreen. It's going to go out after. All right. Yeah, we have a podcast coming up. We've already been talking about it.

We're dealing with the Castle Rock and Derek. The biggest thing, again, is the USA Today because this should be Thursday or so that you're hearing this. Voting ends Sunday. Sunday would be the 17th. Do seven days from the 17th is the 45th? Yes, yes. It's the 45th of April. Voting ends on the 45th of April.

Wait, which 45th? Sleep year, right? Well, if Kenny Vermeer has his way, it'll be the 45th of April. 24th. If you're hearing this before April 24th, 2016, go to discoverbisbee.com and make Bisbee the number one small historic town in America. It means a lot. You have no idea why, but we do, and we're going to fucking roll with it.

If you can make it number one oh my god you have no idea the the the cash a what's the word that big word that was it that was slowed down if you're listening after that date drunkenly still contact them and demand that your vote be retroactively counted. I was even going to say, what if the only thing discovered from our civilization was a snippet of Doug saying, whatever you do, vote for Bisbee

as like, this is all they cared about. Oh my god, we can spin this into such good humor because this fucking town Are we live or are we spitballing that that sounds like it's my off mic thing yeah we let's yeah a lot of this podcast is off mic so should we wrap it up chad shank you got anything else you got anything going in la brett erickson i don't think i have

the pikey you got a new suit oh i have a new jacket for the pikey show and a hat in fact erickson doesn't even want to do the pikey, but now he has an outfit that he can do the pikey. Well, the outfit asked me to do the show. You can just yell it out, Deb. From Redbone. From Redbone. Oh, Lucy's. Lucy,

her new shop, and there's going to be, there probably is a bingo section, and my de-hoarding is next, so there's going to be a Stanhope a bingo section and my de hoarding is next so there's going to be a stanhope uh leisure suit section and uh the bingo already has a section she cherry picked from her hoard at redbone on subway street in bisbee lucy st john's new shop we walked in there today we walked into redbone today because uh we met luc at Poco and we had our vegan brunch. Try to get as many of the plugs in here as possible.

Product placement. Unfit app. We walk in there and Tracy goes right to one of the racks. Did you just put unfit app in there? Yeah. This is good. We walk right into Redbone and on the end cap of one of the racks was a coat that I bought tracy six to eight months ago a like furry tracy gave to bingo the furry green a furry green chinchilla yeah like a funky like a weird

furry jacket oh speaking of bingo uh she heard d hoarding is if you watch Hoarders, she has that same mentality where she would not give any of 16 yard bags of clothes she took out of that house. And we had to drive to Tucson two hours to give them to a Goodwill because she can't stand the thought of seeing someone wearing her shit. There's plenty of thrift stores in town. I'm just saying. Penny Lane. On 4th Avenue or 4th Street, whatever it is, the fucking cool street,

the Goodwill in Tucson got 16 fucking bags of some fantastic vintage shit, ukulele. Not a bunch of crap. Not a bunch of crap with the Goodwill books on it. I understand that.

We are in a one-bedroom apartment in West Hollywood, so we're constantly de-hoarding ourselves. Even though we don't have a lot of shit, we still have to have less because we have the tiniest amount of space. It's like milk. So we turned over a whole bunch of shit that included some hooded sweatshirts from my kids' high school, so Morton High School in Illinois.

So we just threw them out on the street in West Hollywood. Give it to the Russians. It's in my book, Digging Up Mother, which is not just about my mother we just threw them out on the street, you know, in West Hollywood. Give it to the Russians. Just give it to the Russians. It's in my book, Digging Up Mother, which is not just about my mother. You just put it on the street, and the Russians take it, and it takes like four seconds. And then like a day later, I'm walking Rooney through Plummer Park, and there's like this old Russian lady pushing a bike

and like talking to the old guys playing chess, like rock, rock, rock, rock, rock. And I look, and she's got tied around her waist is a Morton High School sweatshirt. And I'm like, yes! It happened! We're out there. Coincidence. I've told it before on the podcast,

but it's worth repeating. Twice in Bisbee, I've given Doug Stanhope a swag to the thrift store, and then seen a guy at Safeway, and I go, hey, hi, and he has no idea who I am. I go, I'm the guy in your T-shirt. I got this from your thrift store. All right, that's a podcast.

That was fun. Thank you, guys. Go to discoverbisbee.com or my site where you have the link everywhere to make Bisbee No. 1. You only have a couple days to make Bisbee number one in the USA today. Kennyformayor.com. Kennyformayor.com. Derek.

At Derek. Both. Derek, D-E-R-R-I-C-K, for number four, mayor. As in Derrick. They're going to spell it with a U. And their Twitter accounts, they're linked right to their Twitter accounts from the website. That's the best place to go. Oh, fuck, we forgot to

say this. I'm sorry, Doug, we're out of time. Chad Shank built the websites. We're running up against network shows, guys. We can't. Chad Shank built both their websites on Squarespace. No, I built one. Square space, square space, square space.

I built one website on Squarespace, but I don't like being portrayed as a fucking moron. I can fucking do stuff. Well, with Squarespace, which is so easy to work with. I know. It makes me feel bad, though. I could make a website. Well, no.

I could find people that probably would have trouble doing it. But not on Squarespace, which is so easy to work with. You did it. It was real easy. Doug has a podcast. He can't make a website. It was very easy. You have a podcast, Chaley.

I just talk on it. I don't know how to do anything. I had to scream at your wife to get a drink right now. I know. All right. That's a podcast. Squarespace.com. This is get a drink right now. I know. All right, that's a podcast. Squarespace.com. This is a free plug for you, this one.

And Chaley and Chad Shank, both built. And don't forget about BrettEricksonComedy.com. Also Squarespace. Listen, I set up my own website on Squarespace because it's that easy. Wait, you? As dumb as you are? As if. Actually, I have to.

TheShadyDell.com. They're booking the rest of the season. Come to Bisbee, the number one small historic town in America, and stay at TheShadyDell.com, which is the shining beacon of Bisbee. It's the best thing in Bisbee. Stay there, and I'll come have a beer with you. That's the podcast. Thanks for all the love, everybody.

All right. One more tomorrow, and we're good. Hey, you miserable cunts. You want to ever see me again? You go to the Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. We have new vinyl. Something to take the edge off on vinyl.

That's right. Something to take the edge off on vinyl. Drunk with power pint glasses and Stanhope shot glasses, as well as T-shirts. Pop-Off Vodka Presents, which is coming out, as I believe we're going to put that on iTunes. We filmed that in the Funhouse. So Pop-Off Vodka Presents.

We have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist. The Doug Stano podcast T-shirts. Abortion is Green is back by popular demand Death of a Salesman as well and we got stickers, CDs, DVDs and now the Doug Stanoff store at DougStanoff.com open 24 hours

people are doing methamphetamine and staying up you never know what hour so please go to the merch store at DougStanhope.com and buy some shit. It keeps Chaley here. It keeps the podcast going.

And you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye.