The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #138: Bisbee is #1 and the first mayoral debate

Episode Date: April 29, 2016

Pre Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Memoir" on Amazon and Barnes & Noble   The votes have been counted and Bisbee is the #1 Historic Small Town in America as reported by USA Today. Who should get credit, Derrick or Kenny? VOTE HERE.Also, Derrick and Kenny debate, a listener drops by for a drink and a new Police Beat with Chad Shank.Recorded April 28, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jen Luia (@BisbeeInfo), Visitor Dave, Bingo, Castle Rock Kenny (@Kenny4Mayor), Derrick (@Derrick4Mayor) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Castle Rock Kenny 4 Mayor Website http://www.kenny4mayor.com/   Rev. Derrick 4 Mayor Website - http://www.derrick4mayor.com Closing song, "Thanks Obama", by Spose. Available on iTunes.Pre Order Doug's book "Diggin Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon and Barnes & NobleDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Good morning world and welcome to the Dewey defeats Truman podcast taped a little prematurely, hopefully not, but this will come out. This is Thursday before the Friday announcement that Bisbee has won the best historic small-town in America Thank you killer termites. You motherfuckers. You make me proud every goddamn time, and I try to not

misuse you. The polling closed on that USA Today thing on Monday morning? No, Sunday on the 24th. No, it was Monday morning. The polling closed at 9 o'clock, and we were at number one right up until the last second.

And then, as soon as it closed, hey, check back in five days or four days to see the results. We know the results. We were number one, and then it closed. Two seconds before it closed, you reported back as, we're number one,

thanks for voting, vote again. And we talked about this in the car hey chad shank is here uh greg chaley is here bingo bingaman is here in case she has something she wants to chime in with uh we talked about this if if we were the usa today yeah you're not gonna tell them immediately because you know if it were a big deal which it is to us but if it were a big deal on another level they'd want the scoop like you can't just start sending out press conferences or press releases there has to be a crafting i mean they just don't throw it out there and plus this whole thing is eyeballs on a web page that's all this is i know it's a scam but way more important to us than anyone else why did all I noticed was that they suggested that I vote for best po' boy in South Carolina,

but I didn't have any direction on that voting, so I wasn't sure exactly what to vote for. Yeah, they also had best green chili cheeseburger in New Mexico. Oh, come on. We're in league with that. It's that high honor. But it was fun for us. And again, Dewey defeats Truman. If you don't get the reference, well, then you're young and you have things to live for.

So there is a chance that we could get fucked by the USA Today. Maybe one of you set up a bot or something dumb, which we tried to tell you not to do. We were explicit in that we wanted to tell you not to do. We were explicit. Yes. And that we wanted to win this with actual organic votes. Yeah, shitloads of organic votes. I know you guys didn't care, and that's the great thing. And I will go to a city council on Tuesday. Hold on.

They care about us. They care that Bisbee is where you live and they want to support Bisbee. You know what? There's a fucking guy because I did another three days, no smoking, no drinking, just to get my fucking hands to stop shaking. Cheers. And some guy that's in town, he's a fan. He's like, hey, I'd love to have a beer with you, but if not, that's cool. And I told him, listen have i have my fucking settle down period going on but he's in town so i'm gonna i'm gonna fucking at the break i'm gonna email him

back and say hey you can come over for the podcasting he lives here no he's visiting through tomorrow is he staying at the no he's not because i think he has a kid so i'm gonna have to tell him no fucking kids leave your wife at the hotel with the kid or leave the kid in the hot car. Ichabod will take care of the kid. He'll babysit. We'll put a sandbox in the hot car. On the other side of the gate.

So yeah, I went to city council if you follow the Twitter feed and try to jam in this like big uh hey let's vote for uh bisbee if you don't know because you're the mayor and you don't use social networking it's fucking sad honestly and hey uh coming up later in the podcast der Derek and Kenny will be delivering their three-point plan, because I didn't think they could remember five. We'll just tell them what their platforms are.

So we will decide later who gets the credit, aside from the killer termites. But in the mayoral race, Derek for mayor or kenny for mayor will uh they'll they'll debate for your vote we'll figure that out we'll explain that chaley knows how we're going to do this voting poll i'm finding out as you say it well i think you can just do a poll on twitter yeah but you don't usually tease a segment early in the podcast for later in the podcast this is this is very i like this is very presidential i have a whole list of shit oh this fucking jacket thank you herb leg who sent you i think he sent you a bible i've been oh yeah i got that out of sorts we got a bunch of thank

yous we'll do the thank yous later this jacket was and it's a fucking monster plaid yellow and and navy blue. You said killer termite when I walked into the funhouse. I'm like, those are the colors, but you meant a killer termite sent it. Yeah, a fan. I hate the word fan. Killer termite is way better. A killer termite sent this jacket, so I'm going to wear this to city council on Tuesday.

I went there to promote voting for the thing and uh the historic small town yeah they cut me off because i hit my three minute mark which at 124 something like that that's when they gave me the one minute notice anyway it was bullshit i didn't get to finish my speech which was again dewey defeats Truman, where I was going to thank the killer termites for making us number one a week before it happened. So now on Tuesday, I'll be able to go in. It's the call to the public is right before. It's the call to the public, where anyone can go up and say nonsense for three minutes.

And they're lucky as fuck that I know that I live here and i have to i don't shit where i eat for the most part because there'd be a lot of football fanatics our crowd we could filibuster this shit out of call to the public three minutes of all of us andy kaufmaning and just reading a book. Hey, Digging Up Mother. We could do the audio book of Digging Up Mother. Three minutes at a time. Available on visby.com. Discover visby.com. Discover visby.com. That's the tourism site.

The head of tourism. That was one of those moments where I go, like human chicken drop, where I go, ooh, we could do the audio book to city council read by. All right. Write it down, Taylor. At least the teasers. It's on my hand. Everyone just wrote that on their hand.

I love that. So I will go up uh city council wearing this jacket from a killer termite on tuesday night uh maybe we periscope it we'll definitely film it did we ever get the uh the footage no on online we didn't of the last we have footage from tracy and someone else of the last city council where they shut me off before i could finish it three minutes because i got it oh i have the other one where you you took the persona of uh southern gentleman yeah i've ron whited it yeah yeah that was that's the one so okay i've that's not you doing the killer termites thing. I didn't get to the killer termites. I was saying that we're in this running for this dumb online contest.

I have the council before, which is you. I've got this whole one, honey. I took it from the back. Every other Tuesday. Yeah, I've got two. There were two. I got the first one, and then you guys did this other one. No, we only did one.

The only one I ever affected a southern oh wait no you're right yeah god damn it i didn't want to i didn't want to tell you that shaley was right but i knew he was right thanks for the support chat oh well i was gonna chime in and whatever you didn't come up sorry i forget about i forget about the homeless one the homeless lunch in the park that was it i was trying to get all of this shit on YouTube. No, Stanhope TV is our YouTube channel. And the guy that – I can't remember his name. Every time your mother dies, nothing gets done. A lot got done.

We had a bunch of – we did this campaign while my mother was dead, and she's still dead. Well, those videos aren't up, and she's not dead enough. Well, I don't even have some of the videos. So we can argue about this later. Did you want to say something about – We'll get all this on the YouTube channel, Stan Hope TV. Yes, absolutely.

Did you want to – were you going to segue into the eBay yard sale or something? No, no. I got my beats, baby. Yeah. Right there. No, I was going to segue into – Keep going. The China clip.

China the wrestler. into keep going the china clip china the wrestler if you are around for the year i did the china in a san francisco hotel room story well then she died and it just so happened i have a special coming out somewhere at some point called uh doug stanhope no place like home or uh called Doug Stanhope, No Place Like Home. Or something like that. We filmed it here in Bisbee in November at the Royale. Beautiful little theater. And since we had the camera crew, we filmed a special in the fun house, Pop-Off Vodka Presents.

And if you know that whole routine, that was filmed here in the fun house since we had camera crew around anyway and we had just rebuilt the fun house we go hey let's try filming a special in here and it was fucking fantastic i mean it was more fun than the real special because it's like 30 30 people in here 35 people and and just jammed in here with a little makeshift stage big enough for one person. And I did that special was just a shit I had to cut out of the last special for time.

So it's a full special and the China bit, which is 12, 13 minutes long, was on that. And I'm like, oh, perfect minutes long, was on that. And I'm like, oh, perfect time to, we'll just release a segment of the China segment

from Papa Vodka Presents. And then if there's massive demand for it, we'll release the rest. And we'll just put it on iTunes. I don't know if we're going to make, we'll make hard copies of some kind. Anyway, there's 40 more minutes of that special we filmed in here that's been sitting in the vault waiting for a reason,

and China was the reason. So the China clip is on YouTube. I don't know, just go to YouTube, Stanhope TV. Yeah, it's on Stanhope TV. Oh, fucking great. Hennigan played it for us before he released it. And he like, now look, there may have been something, the crackling or this.

I heard nothing. I just heard the fucking jokes. I don't understand what the holdup was unless we were waiting for China to die. Because it sounds fantastic. I can't wait. Well, China dying really forced our hand where I go, we got to get this out now,

and he's going to go to the people who have – it's out on audio only now. Yes. We got to finish editing up the filmed version, which will get it all out. That was what it was. Yeah, there was something with the video portion that they were working on, and I'm like, is and he's all no listen and i'm like that but i'm

not watching it i'm listening to it it sounds great well when when china died i called him drunk and he was in florida for some strange hennigan reason that he never tells you where exactly he's going or why i go go, well, I booked another drunk vacation, so I won't be here from the this to the that. He books all these drunk vacations, but we don't see him drunk. Well, yeah, he drinks

alone at home the way he should. Well, he lives in L.A. He doesn't want to make a spectacle of himself in front of people that matter. And that's a good thing that a lot of my comic friends should take a page from. Yes. So I was panicking about the the China thing. Like, we get to get this out now while it's the 24 hours that it's newsworthy.

And then fucking Prince died for me. Like, all right, put china on the back shelf for a while let the prince thing run its course and then we can hey remember china what about china so yeah please share that that that's a you know a 13 minute bit uh that's a precursor to the inevitable release of pop-off vodka presents still trying to get that cease and desist do we do we have do we still have pop-off vodka presents merch yes like t-shirts t-shirts good well that's a good time to plug it that's your job go ahead i'm a little confused when are you going to release the uh prince material that you have so i think it was travis lipsky you have? I think it was Travis Lipsky.

Fucking brilliant comic. I think it was him. Someone said, Prince. And I go, to be fair, China gave me 14 minutes of material. Prince never mentioned it in 25 years of comedy. So I'm feeling more warmth for China, the wrestler. So I guess, well, hey, buy my book, pre-order it. It's coming out now.

May 4th, I've got the delivery date. Yeah, someone said, I get a delivery date of tomorrow, which is like the 29th of April. So I don't know. It's coming out soon. So just pre-order the motherfucker because it's important. Well, I'm waiting for the audio. Just steal the audio, buy the book, and give it to a friend

because pre-orders matter as far as getting on bestseller lists and shit like that that people care about. If the Decapo Press, my publisher, if they saw the amount of tweets and time I spent promoting some dumb top ten contest for Bisbee with zero mention of please pre-order my book. Sorry about that, Decapo Press, but I get a lot of shit in the works, and that dumb contest and watching the killer termites work was just far more satisfying.

But I know, we've got to get sales. I want to be on oprah you know who i i heard today i want to be on terry gross on npr like seriously dissecting the book and asking me what it now when your mother passed or just any of that again, if anyone's worried that this is just some book about my mother, it's not. There's some shit in there. Mother helps sell it. Mother helped bridge the gap between non Stanhope fans.

You're hoping that it's using my mother as a timeline a timeline for my fucked up life yeah uh so yeah if i saw mother in a headline a title of a book yeah boring oh and then i loved her and then or she beat me i don't give a fuck about your mother tell me the dirt there's a lot of dirt in there but not so much that i can't write another book that is all the fucking dirt. Wow. So yeah, if there's another project for the killer termites, buy my fucking book. Or, here's the thing,

when you go on Amazon, Johnny Depp did the foreword for it. Or Barnes & Noble. We've got links up on the website. Johnny Depp or barnes and noble no you said go on amazon or barnes and noble or wherever you buy it uh it on on amazon it says doug's uh written by doug stanhope and johnny depp and i assume and i

called brian when i first saw it i go that fucking it's completely irresponsible to write and then i go fuck it i didn't see nothing hey killer termites if you want a fun one go to whoever there's anytime we've posted pictures like with me and johnny depp you'll get these weird twitter johnny depp fan Twitter accounts. Find those and just tweet at them. Oh, Johnny Depp wrote – just put the link in. Find the Johnny Depp weird fan pages and put links to the book and say, yeah, evidently Johnny wrote a book with Doug Stanhope or whatever, with the Amazon link.

Love it, can't wait. Because it'll say Johnny Depp and Doug Stanhope and Johnny Depp, or just say, I guess he wrote something weird about them being gay in a forward or anything. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, just get the Johnny Depp. It's Johnny Depp's Florida birthday show. T-shirts still available, by the way,

at DougSandhoff.com, Comedy Killers. That would have been great. Put Johnny Depp's picture on that Comedy Killers T-shirt. Just to go, like, on the next level. Yeah, spread that China clip, but the book. Yeah, fuck with the Johnny Depp fans. Yeah, the quiver need 16 year olds that watch all the pirates movies find those people on twitter or instagram or

fucking span the market chumster maybe that's a don't get phillips reference they'll buy it just for that yeah it's still a one it's still a one in the win column. So that's it. We got to take a break and we will be back with some other shit. And eventually, Kenny and Derek Vermeer, they're a no brainer. Please hold. Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention.

But if you are staying here, the rule still stands. If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell if it's available, and I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com TheShadyDell.com It's a vintage trailer park. Trailer's done to the nines, just like it's 1958.

You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. Maybe we burn a steak. I don't know. But stay there. If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there.

And now back to the podcast, already in drudgery. Hey, Killer Termites, we just had a fantastic drop-in. The Fuhrer of Bisbee Tourism, the Director of Bisbee Tourism, the Director of Bisbee Tourism,

the Head, the Chief... Emperor of Tourism. Emperor of Bisbee Tourism. The one that clued me into this USA Today poll of the best historic small town in America, Genluria, ladies and gentlemen. Genluria. Applause makes everything better. So great. I know, Jen Luria. Ladies and gentlemen, Jen Luria. Applause makes everything better.

So great. Thank you. I know, it's good. You can shill it so easy. Every time I walk in, will you guys just do that? Yes. Yes, we will. Thank you. Absolutely. Because we are now officially, unofficially, prematurely designated the best small

historic town in America by the largest newspaper in America, except for the Wall Street Journal. Who reads that? Is that still a paper? Evidently. And I only knew about that because it's at Bisbee Info. Correct. That's how I found out about it.

No one, including the mayor, knew about it. Nope. how i found out about it no one including the mayor knew about it nope uh and so uh now we uh we rocketed into first place and barring some kind of uh hijinks or some technicality that we're not even aware of if there is some bullshit technicality you're gonna have all those people that were voting tweeting the usa today Today, going, fuck you. Oh, yeah. It'll get nasty, I'm sure. It'll get ugly. They might as well just keep us number one just because.

Yes. So this is all due to you, Jen Luria. Not me. Well, I mean, you started it. You started it. You made us aware of it. And luckily, you saw that and were able to sick the killer termites onto this project. So if you'd like to make an official statement thanking the killer termites, go right ahead.

Just make some bullshit up. I would like to officially thank all you killer termites out there. On behalf of? Doug Stanhope? No, of the Fuhrer of you you killer termites out there. On behalf of? Doug Stanhope. No, of the Fuhrer of you. You suck them on there. As the Fuhrer of Bisbee Tourism. The Tourism Czar of Bisbee.

And they're all welcome to stay at your house. What's your address? Nope. We always give yours. What we're going to do, and you with all of your uh accolades your not accolades your your status your your strength your power you uh hereby declare may 29th we did not pick randomly may 29th is what i'm going to say to city council is officially Killer Termites Day in Bisbee.

I'm not going to wait for the mayor to okay it. We have the fucking power here. Power to the people. We are going to declare May 29th. Gay Pride White Power. Wrong speech. I thought that was what we always did. Not yet.

We're getting the decor here. Jen, if you notice, we have. I see it starting to. Someone sent us some like colored only vintage plaques, like reproductions of actual shit. And I go, I can't put those up without offsetting it. So I get all the gay signs to go with it. And then I get other racist signs.

We're going to be the Funhouse Museum of Tolerance. So we have a colored only no white sign that's going up. We have no Indians served after sundown vintage plaque. We have sexist signs. We have World War II anti-Japanese, the Japanese with the big teeth propaganda signs. We get Texas signs. We have World War II, anti-Japanese, the Japanese with the big teeth propaganda signs. We get a lot. So you're busy being so progressive, and here you're adding in this other like-

Wouldn't it be the Museum of Intolerance Awareness? Ooh, that's good. That's good. Spin doctor. Chad Shank. Chad Shank. So the reason we picked May 29th is what's coming up on Sundays? Oh, baseball.

Baseball's back. This year. In the best way. Because Bisbee, no one gives a fuck about baseball. So every year they have fielded a team. It went to shit because, no, they're all artists here. Or they just don't give a fuck. They don't give a fuck three times a week.

That's the problem. Only three? No, they used to do. Every week they would do games. Five games over three days. They'd do a doubleheader on the weekends and then a Thursday night. Now we have a Tucson team, the Tucson Saguaros. They can actually field a team,

but they're going to come down on Sundays and play their home games in Bisbee at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. I'm going to miss the opening game because I've got to do Ari Shafir's show in L.A. So May 29th, I'll be back for the Killer Termites opening day celebration. So if you're in the region, 1 o'clock, May 29th, against the Alpine Cowboys, we will be out in strimpf. Full strimpf. To support.

We're calling them the Killer Termites. They are the Bisbee Killer Termites, which is on the Bisbee Wikipedia page in red. What's red mean? Meaning no verification. Last year, since there was no... Okay. That's why my page was taken down. It was all in red. Not for long. Yeah, not for long. Well, when the Tucson saguaras come down, we're going to refer to them as the killer termites, the Bisbee killer termites. We're going to suit them up in T-shirts.

We'll get a picture with the team. Every Sunday through, I think, July 22nd, the Tucson Saguaro's slash Bisbee killer termites will be playing at 1 p.m. on Sundays through July 22nd. And anytime I'm in town, we'll be there at 1 p.m. We're loud, we're proud, we're drunk. I think it might cost you

$5 to get in. We will update your website once I get the schedule from them so that we can let everyone know when the games are going to be. Because even we don't know. We have our favorite player already. I found one of their players on Twitter. You are doing everything except what you're supposed to be doing.

Yeah, yeah. I should be editing my pilot. I should be pushing the special. There's so much you should be doing. Thank you notes to everyone who helped out with the book. I mean, just something. Thank you for selling my book. I was selling Bisbee and $5 baseball games instead of working on my career. But I will be back on the road soon.

In fact, I think – go ahead. What do you got? Were you going to say something? Oh, no. I was just going to say, to be fair, I still don't think people come and watch baseball games in Bisbee. I think people come and watch us watch baseball games. That's the beauty of it.

Fair enough. Heckle the fuck out of the other team. We do research on them as much as you can do in 7A baseball. I don't know. The attendance will be amazing. What was 10? If we always do that.

One game a week and we can get all the one block Ben and April can come. It's perfect. Hey, Doug, what was Tracy doing that I almost had to walk out? all the one block Ben and April can come. It's perfect. What was a Doug? What was Tracy doing that? I, I almost had to walk out. She was like heckling the pitcher.

Hey batter. But she was, you, yeah, you would be a dick about that. Oh, I totally was great. Yeah.

No, she's fantastic. I, I almost had to walk out. Only time I ever almost walked out was when Shawcroft was there drunk and she's yelling racist stuff and then trying to, you know,

when you say something racist, Shawnee's here, you get the, and they go, and then they try to explain what I'm just saying. Cause it's, well, she was yelling this from the stand.

She yelled something racist and then tried to like, apologize. No, what I'm saying is that because that was a joke against race. It's worse. Stop talking. It's worse. It's worse.

It's way worse. So for no other reason, let's see what Tracy's, what kind of mojo Tracy's got this season because she's had some time to brush up. She's a hockey fan. She doesn't really know how baseball works, and it is evident. We're going to have a blast. If you do come for a

Bisbee Killer Termites game, dress up. If you don't have a Killer Termites jersey available now at DougStanhope.com merch page, just dress up in something weird. Because we creep out, we'll creep out Tucson as much as the visiting teams.

And we'll be the only place that they actually get a crowd. Because even in Tucson, they get their family and a baby crying at best for a heckler. It really throws them off their game. It's fun to watch. It's so much fun. I already figured out my game day, first game day. I don't think I'm going to tip it, but the saguaros is definitely saguaros,

green and yellow. Saguaro, but it's spelled with a G. Is that saguaro? Yeah, it's spelled that way. Pronounced saguaro. Jesus. Really? Silent G. How long do you have to live on the border? You've been here a little bit, but... I'm not here a lot.

We're 25 miles away from the border, according to a very detailed, flawed, but otherwise fantastic write-up about Chad Shank. I'll show you after we get off, Jen. Chad Shank got written up in Canton. It's Canton Repository, but the website is cantonrep.com. This is some entertainment writer who I've done interviews with that interviewed

Chad Shank and got a five-page online write-up. DJ Lasko. BJ. BJ Lisco. I got it totally wrong. Kind of like him. BJ Lisco. BJ Lisco is the guy that wrote it. And he fucked up a bunch of details that don't matter.

25 miles from the border. He has four daughters and his wife's name, Laura, or Laurie or something. That's all good shit. People don't need to know all the details. Maybe he was doing him a favor. I thought he might have been. I thought he changed a name on purpose. Good.

We do this online. But everything else is, all the meat is accurate. It's just silly details, but that's why I never read my own articles because I get, he said he's the winner

of the Montreal Comedy Festival. There was no winner. Well, I didn't say that. He wrote that. So I get pissed off, but that's fucking brilliant. Thank you. Any other journalists want to help us get rid of the red text on Wikipedia?

Chad's Wikipedia. Will you do a podcast via phone? Stinks. I never do them. I don't do anything via phone. Just say yes. Just say yes, Chad. Will I?

You're asking me? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Yeah, I'll do whatever we're doing. Good. Good. Just say yes. I just fucking come over and hang out and do stuff.

Yeah, it's really no different than if you just came over here and drank. We just put a microphone in front of you and hook up a speaker. I had some great segue into just one silly thing I wanted to say, and I go, oh, that segues into that. It's something about you. Yeah, I know what it is. I just don't have a smooth segue. But Officer Bob Friendly, and you will be doing a police beat on this, right?

Yeah, we're going. All right, good. You're marking it up. He stopped by the other night, and he said, yeah, I have some keys down at the station with your name on them. They've been there for a while. How do you have keys to one of my cars? And so I go, I'll pick them up.

I forget everything. Your guest is here. Hang on, our guest is here. And this is... Keep going. No, no, I'll get back to it. But the reason, what's his name again? Dave something?

Dave, what's your name? Dave, what? Dave something? Dave, what's your name? Dave, what's your name? Dave, what's your name? Nice shirt, Dave. David Bernal. Bernal, that's right. Bernal, how's everybody? And he's wearing a Shady Dell t-shirt.

Designed by your finest. Shady Dell. This is the great thing about the Shady Dell. The running, and I fucked someone over on it this week but he was polite about it because i had to go through a non-drinking phase of two days but if you stay at the shady dell i will come and have a beer with you if i'm in town and i had to fuck a guy over on that and it was completely understanding because I had to have a couple days away from cocktails and cigarettes.

And the reason that Dave is not staying at the Shady Dell, one of the best things about the Shady Dell, Dave's got a kid. He's got a three-year-old. No three-year-olds. And no children allowed at the Shady Dell. 18 and up, motherfucker. And it's because

these vintage trailers are built to the T. All vintage everything. Your teacup, your fucking glasses. Every part of the Shady Dell. And kids chew on that shit. Or they draw on it with crayons. And it's not like

a Super 8 where, oh, we can replace a flat screen. No. My kids fucking lip marks are all over it. I don't know. When I first met you, you broke a glass that was a part of a set of five, and I was very upset. I didn't know who you were at the time. Who makes a set of five?

And what did I do? Because another one was already broken, so there's still five left. So what did I do? For months or years, every time I found something vintage at a thrift store, I'd bring it by the Shady Dell. That was amazing. Because you do break glasses. And from that point on, only two glasses were in every unit from that point.

Good. Save the other three for fuck-ups. So Dave is staying in town, and I was trying to keep my shit clean, but we had to podcast tonight for tomorrow. Bisbee, you will only get on Twitter to talk to me. Am I wrong? I started a Twitter just because you always talk about,

I never had a Twitter before. I know. I looked at your, I looked at your, you have eight tweets and they're all to me. Yeah. And I felt really bad. I'm not big on they're all to me. Yeah, they are. And I felt really bad.

I'm not big on social media, so. Good. Well, you were promoting the vote for Bisbee. Oh, fun. We voted the shit out of that. Nice. Thank you. Thank you. This is Jen.

She runs the Ministry of Tourism here. Ooh, I like that. In the big, giant Bisbee City Hall. She's got the corner office On the 36th floor They don't allow me in there I'm in the mind tour I'm the only city employee

That's not in City Hall You should come to my office City's about to change And after this break We're going to get to Kenny and Derek for Mayor And you're going to see some of the shit That's about to go down

When there's a regime change. Bring Jen back to City Hall. Dave, thank you for your support. We were just doing this. Thank you, Killer Termites, for making Bisbee number one prematurely because it's not official until the morning. Sure. But we want this podcast to go out with the official notice. So I felt like a dick. I go, I got to get a hold of that

Dave Bernal guy that I was going to blow off for my own sobriety and healthy living. Fuck that. Killer termites deserve their leader to die. Here's his free drink. Free drink. Thank you. Cheers. All right. I just got to finish this story quickly because it's kind of funny. Officer Bob Friendly told me that I had car keys down at the cop shop.

And I said, oh, I don't know why I would. And that doesn't make a lot of sense. So I wrote on my hand, police keys and Sharpie, because that's how I remember shit. I write it on my hand and hope I look at my hand at some point. And like a week later, he comes by. He goes, I thought I'd just drop them off. And I go, oh, I was going to do that. And I still had police keys written on my hand a week later,

which shows you how often I shower. And so he brought the keys, and there's a tag, and it says Doug Stanhope. And I said, what? How does? And he goes, well, why would my name be on it? Bingo had the car towed once. She parked in the wrong place a couple of years ago.

And I go, maybe it has to be from that where they towed the car but why i would notice when i went to pick up the car that there's no keys in it i have other keys but i never i he goes uh i go why would doug stanhope be on there if it was bingo. And he goes, well, they run the plates. And then I remember bingo like a couple months ago had the car parked down at the clinic a couple blocks away. Just parked it there. And then, you know, someone else drove and it just sat there overnight. And then she went back to get it. And she goes, someone broke in to the car, didn't break in, it's fucking unlocked, keys are in the ignition he goes, if the keys are in the ignition

and someone called it in, we'd go and take the keys, and I go, oh that makes perfect sense, because Bingo said someone took the keys, but they also left a pair of weird old fashioned, like reading glasses spectacles, prescription spectacles, and stole her dildo. Because her dildo was in there from the pilot shoot when we had all the dildos.

And she took her dildo out of the bunch and had it on the seat. So some cop went in. That's a fair trade. went in, left some old-fashioned spectacles, stole her dildo. We assume, so Officer Bob Friendly, we want to know who recovered these keys

to try to recoup our dildo. Or, yeah, maybe we'll just buy a new one. Who knows where it's been now let's say was your name engraved on it no but we'll get one we'll get one in the mail now that we mentioned it with an engraved you're welcome bingo bingaman on the side of it uh that's uh we're gonna take a break and we'll be back with Derek. Don't light that. You're lighting it backwards. See?

Kenny Vermeer almost lit the filter. Kenny Vermeer versus Derek Vermeer when we come back on the Doug Stanhope Celebrates the Killer Termites. They're a no-brainer. We'll be right back. they're a no-brainer we'll be right back hey you miserable cunts you want to ever see me again you go to the Stanhope store at

DougStanhope.com we have new vinyl something to take the edge off on vinyl that's right something to take the edge off on vinyl. Drunk with Power pint glasses and Stan Hope shot glasses, as well as T-shirts, Pop-Off Vodka Presents,

which is coming out as, I believe, we're going to put that on iTunes. We filmed that in the Funhouse. So Pop-Off Vodka Presents. We have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist. The Doug Stano Podcast t-shirts. Abortion is Green is Back by Popular Demand. Death of a Salesman as well.

And we got stickers, CDs, DVDs. And now the Doug Stano Store at at DougStanoff.com. Open 24 hours. People are doing methamphetamine and staying up. You never know what hour. So please, go to the merch store at DougStanoff.com and buy some shit. It keeps Chaley here. It keeps the podcast going.

And you want that shit. And anything elsealey here. It keeps the podcast going. And you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye. Chad Shank is out there risking his young life to give us the beats of the police. Give me a beat, Kenny. Kenny's not here. All right.

Chad Shank, what's going on on the mean streets of Bisbee, Arizona, in the Bisbee Observer right now? Doug, an ex was in Safeway making hand motions toward the caller like he was punching her in the face. Like the letter X? I like it it like an ex-boyfriend i'm assuming police get out of my fucking head i only mentioned this one because of the next one a male and female subject were going from car to car in the Safeway parking lot, and the male subject fell down. So I don't know if they're related or not, other than both being in Safeway parking lot.

Mimes were beating the fuck out of each other at Safeway. Not the first time. What else you got, Chad? A camper with Idaho plates blocked the roadway in front of Tui's Noodle Shop. I believe that's Tui's. I don't know Tui's, so

I call him Tui. Yeah, Tui's Noodle Shop. You know what? Vietnam Vet. Where is that? Which side was he on? He's blocking commerce? Tweed is the Vietnamese restaurant.

And whoever was blocking the fucking view of the restaurant, obviously a vet, wear the cap, take the ride. Was it a box man or some... They were from Idaho is all we know. White supremacist capital and the least black people in America. Truck with a gun rack. Seems racist. Well, it's working for Idaho. A Palomino scholar

stated she found an eight-month-old cow, all black, with white on its belly, wearing a black halter and a bell. Ah, that goes right back to it. Mixed race. Black on the belly, white on top.

It ain't right. It's not right. Separate the cows. What color was the collar? How did they know the age of the cow right away? Saw it in half, count the rings. I don't know. Chad, what else is going on on the mean streets of Bisbee?

A Palominist woman stated someone broke into her house and left a red robe in her closet while taking a bunch of her bags. I got nothing. Are you aware of this? You know, aware of the red robe burglar? No, it's been huge in the Sierra Vista beat. The whatever mountains? Mule.

Mule Mountain beat. The red robe Burglar. All right. We're drunk. It's very expensive. But Chad is not drunk, except he's very drunk. Where's his other police beat? You got to talk in the mic.

What are you doing? He hasn't finished yet. He knows how to do this. He's got two police beats. Wait, hold on. He still hasn't finished with this one. I was trying to mark this one so that when he introduced it it would be finally, but I fucking

completely failed it, obviously. You know what? We might be drunk, but we're not dangerous like Bisbee's dangerous. What else is going on? Doug, a neighbor on Hoveland Street yelled at the caller's dog. She asked

the woman not to talk to her dog to which she responded by calling her names. This is why we need you to go deep cover, Chad Shank. Did she call the neighbor names

or did she call the dog names? These are facts. We need to know. We're not like Wolf Blitzer breaking news with no breaking news. We need in-depth, undercover. I'm willing to delve into this. You give me a number on Hovland Street, and I'll ask this lady what the fuck is going on.

There's only like five blocks of Hovland Street. I'll ask everybody on Hovland. We'll go door to fucking door. Let's go. With Chad Shank in his UN helmet. We'll go door to fucking door with Chad Shank in his UN helmet. It'll be a new segment, door to door with Chad Shank. I'm your Jehovah Witness.

You talking to dogs? Motherfucker. Oh, sorry. Are they home next door? I'm sorry. I'm at the wrong door. And that's the police beat with Chad Shank.

Now back to the podcast, formally in progress. This is bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast. This is bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. And welcome to the first in a series of mayoral debates between the two leading candidates, Ken Lowry and Derek Barger. Kenny for mayor, at Kenny for mayor Mayor with the number four on Twitter and at Derek for Mayor

on Twitter with the number four. Derek is D-E-R-R-I-C-K. I know that. Does he? We'll find out shortly as the candidates are preparing to deliver their three-point platform.

We lowered it from five so they could remember once I tell them. They're preparing with cocktails. This is a town hall event. So, Shawnee Gretchen, Jen Luria, the Prime Minister of Tourism in Bisbee is here. Bree, the prospective First lady, should Derek win. Kenny's first lady is working for a living, paying the bills. Amen. And anyone else?

We will open the floor for questions if you should have one. But first, let's introduce uh kenny for mayor welcome thank you kenny for mayor constituents thank you folks thank you how you doing my name is my name is kenneth laurie that's l-a-w not l-a-u um r-i-e see i the paper spelled it wrong so now i spell it wrong because the paper and that's what you get it's just like uh spelled it wrong, so now I spell it wrong because of the paper. And that's what you get. It's just like a cat. Kenny's last name is spelled wrong,

but it's spelled exactly the same way as my fake wife's name is in my article. Absolutely. See, never trust the papers. None of the other candidates for mayor did show up to this debate. Today in the Bisbee Observer, someone wrote a letter to the editor because they had debates on sunday and they thanked the two candidates that showed up there two out of how many ken budge and david a smith seven two out of seven and they they also thanked the other five candidates by name for not showing up because it shows how much they care about our community. Well, we announced that we were having this debate on the last podcast,

and only two of the candidates, Derek and Kenny, showed up. So, fuck you, guy who writes letters to the Observer. Thank you very much. writes letters to the observer thank you very much uh kenny and derrick uh it's uh it's been a contentious uh uh run early stages there's been a lot of uh mud slinging yeah shall we say even before you knew you're running for mayor against each other there was a lot of mud slinging back then and it continues right now and you know what i will say that uh the derrick for mayor people have not uh really come through with a lot of the merch there's been a couple of giant kenny for mayor posters you know what we have to do and write this down you know we'll do this after the podcast is

get some pictures of yeah yeah keep taking pictures of the debate so they have pictures of derrick to fuck with and then we get a tweet some just goofy pictures of derrick that the the killer termites can manipulate and get some merch out there some posters there was posters we got drunk like fucking teenagers guming teenagers. Yes. As I stole from Brendan Walsh the expression, and me and Tracy here, Mrs. Chaley, the Traleys we call you, went down to the corner store where their mayor actually hangs out and smokes cigarettes and posted Kenny for Mayor posters. They get taken down after a couple of days,

and then we go out in the middle of the night shit-faced and wobbly, giggling, and put up more. What we're really looking for is someone to pick up the marketing end on Derek's campaign. Yeah, and you're Derek's campaign manager. The Derek for Mayor campaign got a late start in this race, so it's understandable that we're a little bit behind, but I'm sure there are plenty of killer termites that will be willing to get on the Derek for Mayor boat.

We assume someone would have to jump ship. Just stay on my side. We assume someone would at least have a campaign song for Derek, but so far nothing. But Derek doesn't really show up. Kenny's here all the time. Derek's about the issues. What issues? He's not about going out there and – like we can already see.

And by the way, I am a candidate – I have not thrown my hat in the ring. I'm undecided. I'm not a bound delegate in the ring. I'm undecided. I'm not a bound delegate, right? I am backing Kenny for mayor. And Chad Shank is backing Derek for mayor. I did switch camps when I found out Derek didn't have anybody at all. Adequate representation. Yeah, yeah.

You're basically a public defender of that. Yeah, kind of. I am noticing, as an unbound delegate, that Kenny is saying a lot of things. Like, he's interjecting with, uh, yeah. Well, no. Like that. And Derek is listening. Well, I haven't been introduced, so.

Well, Derek was actually resting his face on the microphone earlier i thought he was gonna nap i wasn't sure what it was i don't know if that's a i shouldn't point that out no he's your guy yeah sorry that didn't happen it smells heavenly for some reason this mic smells like perfume or flower got his nose on it maybe that's not the mic. Move to strike. The candidates both have prepared opening statements that I didn't tell them they should have. So, Kenny, you're on.

Your opening statement. Yeah. I have an opening statement? Good start. Well, but think that... Can we pass this question and go to the next one? Sure. I was in county politics for almost a decade,

and I think I have the skin to withstand some Bisbee bullshit, so I'm ready to run for mayor and actually be elected. And Kenny doesn't want to do stuff. How many signatures do you have? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we lay down the ground rules here? Yes, sir. When one person is given the mic, it is customary that you yield that mic.

That person gets the mic and everyone else yields that mic. Unless Chad or I or Doug want to chime in with something funny. Okay. Hey, okay. Gotcha. All right. So when you say, can we move on, basically what you said was. I pass the mic.

Yeah. Okay. $100,000 pyramid. Pass. Do we need a speaking torch? Well, we might need one for Kenny, but Derek seems to be following the rules. Let's get to the issues. Because as we stated in the, if the killer termites do in fact make Bisbee the number

one historic small town in America, which we're going to say today, that we will have this debate where you lay out your platform for mayor of Bisbee and we'll do an online Twitter poll over the weekend ending Monday, whatever that fucking Monday is. And whoever wins the poll on my Twitter, at Doug Stanhope, will get credit in the mayoral campaign for making Bisbee number one. So we're going to lay out your three point platforms. Then we're going to pepper you with questions. We're going to cross examine you.

We're going to prostate exam you. We're going to do a lot of things to you. And then we're going to have a town hall. And then the voters will decide, the Killer killer termite voters who gets credit for making bisbee number one in this campaign now uh your top three i'm reading them right here as you wrote them in my handwriting uh your uh your top campaign platform let's flip a coin for who goes first. Does anyone have a coin? We'll flip a Doug Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool coaster.

Call it in the air. Tails. It's heads. Derek, your top campaign platform is to build a zipline tour over the Lavender Pit. For people who have not visited Bisbee but voted for Bisbee. The Lavender Pit is from the copper mines. Oh, geez. A bunch of people just checked their phones listening to the podcast right now.

880 feet is this pit in town, and it's where they dug all this shit out to mine copper. Anyway, it's a huge fucking hole. It would be the biggest zipline tour, highest, tallest zipline tour in America. That would bring some tourist money here. One would think. And that's a great, great platform idea.

Derek, tell us about your zipline tour idea. Well, thanks for having me, Doug. I've studied the pit several times as I passed it, since you brought this up almost a decade ago. And I've put a lot of thought into it. And you know, there's several places we could actually mount the zipline in, and we could even get higher. Because as I've looked at it, I'm like, the pit is that deep, but there's a lot of places to increase the size and the reason

for coming to this tour would be because it's the highest. I think we can get it even higher. And should we be bested by another higher We will dig the pit deeper. We open up the mines that says that's what uh derek says uh kenny oddly your number one platform campaign idea is also the highest

zipline tour in the country over the lavender pit how would your zipline tour differ because as a candidate derrick says uh he's uh put a lot of research in driving past the zipline tour you've actually been arrested beside the uh beside the lavender pit which time was i arrested i think that was officer bob friendly that arrested you and said don't drink whiskey. How many shots of whiskey have you had? You don't have to answer that. Sidebar conjecture. Thanks for having me, Doug.

Yeah, the zip line tour that I was thinking, and it's going to be the highest, we were going to go from the top of the tunnel. I was thinking the Castle Rock, you know, since I'm Castle Rock Kenny, but as to what would you say? On the nose? Yes. But I was thinking two zip lines so you and your wife at the same time could go and make it kind of a race. Because she always wins at home maybe, and you might beat her this time, and she can't argue. Because, hey, you were the last one to cross the pit.

I won. It's kind of like you. Did Kenny just say he beats his wife? No. She beats. I meant this. We'll open the floor for questions after. Is this on?

Speculation. Yeah. Niagara Falls. They had the stupid tightrope walker. We could get. Walenda. The Walenda. Because that was the perennial couple's honeymoon destination, Niagara Falls.

Now it's a fucking dead soldier. So your couple's idea, couple's zip lining, and then maybe we get a Walenda to walk across at one time during the year. Or once a year. New Year's Eve. Valentine's Day. Ooh. That's better. Something like today where it's an actual challenge. 50 mile an hour on the coast.

All right. So you say X Games zipline tour. You say couple zipline tour. All right. There's going to be some black flag days. That's all I'm going to say. Let's not bring Henry Rollins into this. No. All right. Red flag? Okay. zipline tour all right there's gonna be some black flag days that's all i'm gonna say let's not bring henry rollins into this no all right red flag okay the second platform now we go to

kenny kenny there's a uh something in the city charter now for the listener you have to understand that bisbee uh in the mining, a hundred some years ago, was broken up into a lot of different camps. There's at least 13 different town names for every neighborhood because those were camps. So Bisbee as a whole comprises of, we are in Warren.

This is where the bosses lived. And there's in the city charter that there cannot be any kind of bar. Alcohol cannot be sold in the township of Warren. Even though it's now Bisbee proper, Warren still doesn't have a bar. That's why we had to build our own because there's nothing walking distance or smokers walking distance. There's a commercial district in Warren, but there's no actual bar because you can buy liquor at the express stop. Yeah, but there's no actual bar, because you can buy liquor at the express stop.

Yeah, but there's no bar, and there's nothing. You can buy beer at the express stop. Yes, you can buy beer. You're right. Beer and wine. You can't buy liquor. You can't make a lovely, what do we call these drinks that I drink? You can't buy a salty dog.

Let's say that. It's not a salty dog. That's not it. Point is, Arizona Street, the main street of Warren, is barren. They have Morning's Cafe. That's my favorite breakfast spot. They have Beto's

Mexican Restaurant, which you assume is closed. The Stanhope Store. The Stanhope Store, where Chaley sells the merchandise. Plug merch. Cheap t-shirts. Be a fucking brilliant place for a bar. Kenny's idea. I'm at the

t-shirt printing place down the street. Yeah, there's a lot of vacant, open window for rent places. Kenny wants to put a bar in there. Yeah, I'd like to close that t-shirt shop down because it would be a perfect spot for my hooters um you know we need entertainment in this town

family oriented where you can drink a beer and stare at some you know titties even though we're not staring at titties because we with our women with our women but we are subconsciously staring at titties that's why we go to hooters. We love hot wings, but we also love titties. Excuse my language. Anyways, yeah, you know, Hooters would do great for the community. We're not talking super Elmos or any of that good stuff. We're talking hot young ladies barely wearing anything serving you hot wings. What could go wrong?

Now, where do you suggest we find these hot women? Thank you. That's what I was wondering. Well, that's a good question, Doug. Importing hot women has been a struggle Bisbee's had for a long time. Well, it's only since the 1800s. Yeah, since we deported them all.

We'd like to import some, so I'd probably go to RussianGirls.com or something. I don't know. Who knows? I'd find a way. Not a bad idea. All right uh your team is working on it is that what you're saying yes all right derrick oddly your second platform as mayor for bisbee also has put a bar on arizona street how would your bar differ from kenny for mayor i definitely uh would like a chili's in bisbee it's the best franchise and i've thought about uh considered asking them if they'd like to come

to bisbee and i think it'd be a really good fit for this town because we don't need a lot of the flashy boobies i don't know i've never been tooters, so I don't know how it works. It must be close to a strip club as far as I know. We don't need that kind of rebuttal, Kenny. That's just because your old lady will not let you go. That is why you don't want Hooters. Don't get me wrong.

My old lady probably won't let me go either. But at least I'll fucking sneak my ass over there. God. I don't know. Last time I was out with Bree, she did take me to the clown room in L.A., so when we really... Jumbo's clown room is

an actual strip joint named one of the best dive bars in America. She probably got more action than you, but that's besides the point. This campaign just got negative. we just sat around judging everybody now well kenny you said that uh derrick only wants chilies because his gal pal brie loves chilies but you also said it's more of a restaurant yeah and it's not really a bar

these people want a bar where they can go sit there hide from their girlfriends or their wives or whatever it is they're hiding from sulk at the bartender tell them their day story and stumble home at a chili's you can sit at the bar get a shot of jaeger and hide behind nine-year-olds as a cover don't don't get me wrong i do have five kids and they're and they're all the same age. You've got five kids? At least, as long as... I do think that given the target market of the Warren area, Chili's does sound more feasible than a Hooters. Would you consider an Applebee's a neighborhood bar? As long as it doesn't involve scantily clad women as Kenny

said, and I quote, we love titties and hot wings. So Hooters is also a restaurant as much as Chili's is. It's not quite strip club, so your wife can't really bust you because you're not going to

smell like, you know. It's in Warren. They don't have glitter. And they don't have glitter. That's a very good point. Get busted with that shit once. You would have to look at girls from Bisbee in small clothing. Mother Hooters. If I get in a longer

tank top. So are you entering into the gender specific bathroom issue here? That's a sidebar. How do you feel about gender-specific toilets, Derek? Use the toilet that you believe that you,

if you dress as a woman and you feel you're a woman, use that toilet. Don't send a transgender person into the male restroom because he has male gender. If he's in a dress and he has long hair and he dresses as a woman, it's going to creep the fucking guys out in the male restroom. That's a good point. Yes.

How do you feel about that, North Carolina? Yeah. Okay, you want the dude with a dick and a dress to be in your bathroom, not the lady's bathroom. Exactly. Good fucking point, Derek. That's really. Rebuttal, Kenny? Are you going to go on a scale

like how much of a chick do you look like before you go straight into the women's bathroom? If you're a really ugly transgender person, you have to use the men's bathroom because you don't look pretty enough. And I think that should go for all transgendered people. If you're good enough to trick

me... The internal I think that should go for all transgendered people. If you're good enough to trick me. Yeah, exactly. Look, the internal buying breakfast in the morning. That's what it boils down to. That's what Derek says. What do you say, Kenny? I'm not checking out your ID if I'm checking out your tits. All right.

Are you passing? Let Kenny speak. You know, you make a good point, Derek. I do agree with you somewhat, but you're only speaking of the women's gender now what happens when a guy used to be a woman and needs to take a piss is she able to just walk right into the guy's bathroom and squat on the urinal and take a piss

no I don't think so she has to go to the women's bathroom just like that dude does has to go to the men's bathroom even though he's wearing a dress I've thought about this because you do have to sit down in a women's bathroom no matter what and you can stand up in a men's bathroom, but a transgender person may not be able to stand up and use the restroom, so you have to consider, like, if you can't stand,

if you want to use the urinal and this is, like, you're a transgender person and you want to feel normal and you go into the men's bathroom and use the urinal, but if you can't, you have to. I feel like in transgender, transitioning from a female... This is about shitters. I'm saying, transitioning... This is about shitters. Some on killer termites.

Derek, a picture. Derek Formayer, this is about the shitters. All right, you guys can laugh, but what I was trying to say was, when you're transitioning from a female to a male Isn't the goal To stand at a urinal? I don't care, I got little drops of pee coming out my dick I have been in the women's bathroom

Because some douchebag spent ten minutes In the men's bathroom I don't care what sex he is or what gender I have to pee You know that that person that spent ten minutes in the bathroom Was a dude in a female's dress Putting on his makeup because he did not look good and he smudged it after doing what he did in the toilet. I'm sorry. He needed to take his time, and you had to use the women's bathroom.

That is illegal on your part. All right. You bring up an interesting point with 10 minutes in a stall in a bathroom. What are they doing in there? Methamphetamine in this town, it's a problem. It's a scourge. It's an epidemic, methamphetamine. Kenny, as mayor, if you were to have the way they do guns for cash or guns for toys in inner cities that have gun problems,

if you were going to do a methamphetamine exchange program, what drug would you trade to meth addicts in return for turning in meth? What's a better drug? As a past partier, I would have to say, you know, and I've made the mistake of, you know, anyways. That's amphetamine. You were on top of Castle Rock, spun out of your fucking gills. Hold on.

The spire of Castle Rock, threatening to jump for the listeners. He was threatening to jump. He made the front pages of the Observer press that you have never accomplished. His drug history is not on trial here. I believe we've run off the rails here. I am saying he has experience.

But that's okay. I have experience with that. And what I would do is I would tell all those addicts to say, here, I will give you a bottle of Adderall for all of your meth, and we will see how that goes. And if it does not work, which it will not because you will all go to sleep, we will have a problem

and I will have all their meths, so I will sell it. Who the hell funded this? You would say put methamphetamine addicts on Adderall. Methamphetamine. Yeah. Lighter doses. It's kind of a scheduled program. Derek,

what drug would you suggest as a better alternative to the methamphetamine that has not only raped and abused this town, but also launched it to the number one spot in USA Today? Really? Just me?

Just me? Are we all happy about this? Are we all happy about this being number one? What drugs have you done that you could say, hey, 18-year-old kid with that flat screen TV in your hand as you jump through a broken window and over a fence?

What's a better drug? Hiking up a nice trail is a really good high. Spending time with your friends. I'm not going to allow you to dodge the questions. What's a better illegal narcotic? Spending time with your friends. I'm not going to allow you to dodge the questions. What's a better illegal narcotic? Spending time with your friends. Smoking pot.

Sir, you're going to answer the question. He said it. Spending time with your friends smoking pot on a nice trail. Pot is not a drug. Nor a narcotic. If you can make it up the trail long enough to smoke pot. Either candidate that jumped on the hallucinogen trail that was the easy option would have fucking raked in numbers. But you do say pot.

You say smoking pot. He said trails. Is not a gateway drug. It's a good alternative. Now, Kenny, he's been a methamphetamine addict, but he smokes pot. Yes. Is it a step down? No, it actually helps you sleep and eat after the effects.

What Kenny meant to say was allegedly, and then keep talking. Allegedly, yeah, it helps you eat, sleep, and function as a normal human being. And those are two of the three things that you're great at. Yeah, smoke. To absorb. Smoking weed. And what is the other one? Sleeping and eating.

Yeah, sleeping and eating. And a good human being. Yeah, I'm pretty good at some of those things. Hold on. Kenny's going to take a hike real quick. I'm going to let him blabber on this one for a while. I'm going to hold this hit as long as I can. Hold on. Let me get in on this

deliberation. You want to take a hike too? Yeah. What drug would I suggest? If you know the trail, take hallucinogens. If you don't know the trail, just smoke some pot. Just whatever you do, get to the end of the trail and fucking enjoy yourself. That's the high.

He's got a good point, but as from my point of view goes, because I experienced most of them, and hallucinogens are one of my favorites, but it kind of touches the inside a little bit, and I don't want to get that touchy-feely with myself, so I tend to just smoke weed. Okay, we have questions from MySpace.

We're just going to let that go? Yeah. We have some questions. The touch? Yeah. We have some questions. We have some questions. Works for us. Derek for mayor. We invited everyone on MySpace to ask questions.

This was selected randomly. At MySpace.com? Arizona does... MySpace.com. Did you just plug that? It may have been Justin Timberlake. This is a question for both candidates. Derek, you can answer first.

Arizona has no daylight savings. We don't change our clocks. And it's – daylight savings has been uh regarded as pointless and they're trying to get rid of it uh nationwide we don't have it here uh what's your stance on daylight savings time well thanks doug actually i've thought about this a lot since i moved to arizona because i lived in i grew up in Missouri and we changed time and I didn't I was against it because it fucked with my head I showed up for work three years in a row an hour early and so when I moved here I was really glad that the time didn't change but

um I visited I visited St. Louis uh during summer with Bree. She actually took me to visit my parents. And it was late, 9 o'clock, 10 o'clock in the evening, and there was still daylight. So when I came back here, the time doesn't change. So here it's 8 o'clock, the sun's down. And in Missouri, it was 9.30, and you could still do stuff. So I'm definitely for Arizona joining the Daylight Savings Time now, even though my whole life I was against it because I thought it was for farmers and it's all bullshit.

But actually when you're a partier and you want to get up at 9 o'clock in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning, 10 o'clock in the morning, and party until late. At least the sun goes down past 8 o'clock. All right. And Kenny, how do you feel about daylight savings time? Objection. Leading the witness.

Actually, he could do no worse than what Derek just said. At least I put thought into it before this well you're 100 wrong but go ahead kenny wasn't written down for you follow the script derrick well i wanted to make 420 earlier for six months and you know explain that well i like daylight savings no not you who he's looking at you kenny oh okay um so that i can you know enjoy 420 more and the the public can have more parades and enjoy 420 in the park because 320 at 320 instead of 420 and then at 420 we can enjoy it again. You do realize that it can be 4.20 all day. Do you realize that I gave Derek

this answer before we started this and he fucking missed it? So I gave it to you and you can't even read it? Was that a reading test? I did read it. I gave them both this fucking joke earlier. Yeah. Equal. Equal playing field. Alright. I withdraw my objection. That has nothing to do with the fact that it was this fucking joke earlier. Yeah. Equal playing field. All right.

I withdraw my objection. That has nothing to do with the fact that it was 420 earlier. I love that Derek has counsel here, but Kenny does not. I have nothing. I'm getting killed. No, no. Derek needs counsel. So does Kenny.

I'm wondering where Kenny's counsel is. All right. The guy right now shit for him. What are you talking about? People can't see that. Don't fucking break the fourth wall. He's way better at defending himself. He's been in the legal system.

This is true. This is true. But you know what? Kenny, don't. Go, go, go, go. But you know what? I have been there. I have been there.

And yes, I've kind of called the cops on you once. Kind of? That was because you were going to get beat up, and I was saving your ass. I'm sorry. That was before this election. Two weeks ago? Now I'm just going to let it happen. Yes, I'm a pothead, and I love 420.

So, yes, I wanted it to be 320 earlier, and you thought about yours, and I had to have somebody write it down because I forgot because I do enjoy 420 a lot more than you. Thirdly, and how do I – oh, I know the system because – Thirdly. Thirdly. Thirdly, I know the system because, yes, I have experienced the system inside and out. Good point. Real good point.

All times against my will that I can remember. Oh, you were never arrested like with your will? Well, I think I – I don't think I remember most of my arrests. I think – I thought of this while I was driving to Safeway the other day that some of the less recognized candidates for mayor who get all the headlines keep keep uh debating about uh public services fire department police uh one of the candidates the sitting mayor is pro and the other one's against like too much funding but kenny has the unique ability of saying i use these services because he's gotten arrested a lot where derrick never gets arrested despite kenny's best intentions so kenny can be the pro-police candidate because he actually i'm not

only the president but i'm also a client i do help pay the bills on it has been a while since my last wrongful arrest. How much bail have you paid in this town, Derek? I got a speeding ticket in 1999 because I was in a hurry. That is not a misbe. No, I mean, that's the only infraction. I had a speeding ticket in 1999. Don't let them use your clean record against you, Derek. It's a positive thing. They're just trying to spin it.

That's okay. You're coming off better than the criminal. I am. Kenny is not on disability. The taxpayers do not pay for Kenny, unlike Derek. Yes. Not only does Derek Kenny work for a living, he also spends some of that money on bail,

which comes right back into the system. Buy a local. Finding the community. If your candidate for mayor is not smart enough to manipulate government systems, what makes you think he should be a part of that system? All right, moving on. Let's get to your third platform. I believe this goes back to kenny no no derrick derrick derrick uh you think to uh spike tourism in bisbee not only should be bisbee be the number

one small historic town in america according to the largest newspaper in America. You think we should take the bold step of bringing a national sports team to Bisbee? We do have the Tucson Saguaro's, a.k.a. Bisbee Killer Termites, that'll be playing May 22nd through July 24th, every Sunday at 1 o'clock at the Warren Ball Field. But that's just part-time. We're talking about full-time. So you want to bring a national sports team to Bisbee, as far as you know.

What sports team, what sport? Elaborate. Of course, baseball is one of the most entertaining things you can do in Bisbee. It's spectacular when different people come into town. These kids are from everywhere. And baseball is admired by this community with the oldest baseball field in the country and and a lot of history here i mean all the names that

are played here is arguably because there's another town that tries to claim it the oldest working fuck that town they're number two what is it thomas Thomasville, Georgia? Suck my dick, Thomasville, Georgia. Bitches. Babe Ruth, Shoeless Joe. The names have been through this town just to see the ballpark. Some of the bigger names in baseball came to town just to play here. I will remind the listener, Joby and I went to the ballpark on acid once,

and Babe Ruth's granddaughter was there pitching a book or something and they introduced us to her and I just started telling her how we're tripping our balls off on acid and she's like 68 or 400 and something years old and she just stared at us I go we should stop this conversation right now Joby let's we made us ourselves sit in the outfield where no one sits you have to actually walk across the ballpark to get to the outfield. So, yeah, Babe Ruth and Shoeless Joe do have a history at the Warren Ballpark. So your idea. More names than you can mention on the podcast.

Or recognize. For sure, because they're all dead before we were born. So your answer is what sports team are you going to try to lure here? It's a baseball team? Oh, for sure. Baseball's always been big in Bisbee. I keep waiting for you to say baseball's been belly, belly good to me. Belly, belly good.

What team? You have to pick a team you want to move here. You're going to relocate a team from another city to Bisbee. Well, as a drag racing fan, I'm going to say the St. Louis Rams. That's not a baseball team. Or a drag racing fan, I'm going to say the St. Louis Rams. That's not a baseball team. Or a drag racing team. Okay, he wants to bring the St. Louis Rams. God damn it.

We were doing so good. So, is it my turn? Yeah, go ahead, Kenny. Are we just going to leave it there? We can't end on that. Swing mud. No, Kenny gets to swing mud. All right.

So, as your St. Louis Rams baseball team will be entering the old Warren Bisbee ballpark, I'll be introducing the pro basketball team. Okay. You think on that because I want to get this out. I tried to write it down, and I forgot where I was going. The Killer Termites also were responsible. The Killer Termites also were responsible. We were at the Warren Ballpark where the Bisbee Killer Termites will be playing every Sunday.

A long time ago, they needed seed money to get a grant and had a GoFundMe page to get new toilets for the stadium. I'll call it a stadium because the other ones didn't work. But to get the grant, they needed to get a percentage of the grant, so they had a GoFundMe page. No one went to it. Killer Termites got the seed money. They got the grant. The ballpark toilets have been built on the first base line,

and I promised you that if we got it done, I would put a killer termites plaque so that is in the notes jen luria has that i if i have to screw the fucking thing in myself like a vandal a killer brought to you by the killer termites will be above the fucking new bathroom i don't know if they're stalls or urinals every time they tear it down we'll put it back so yeah we should do it that way anyway. It sounds more fun. Yeah. Does the new bathroom have any windshields? That's what I want to know.

A new windshield. All right. It's foul balls go over, and they hit parked car windshields, and then we clap. It's cinder block construction, and there are full bathrooms. Men's room has two urinals and one shitter. Maybe we should just do a commercial for this later. I noticed when I drove by today that there was a lot of cones

and dug up earth next to the new bathrooms. It didn't really bode well. New bathrooms are done. That's Bisbee in general. There's lots of cones and dug up. It's done. There's nothing to ask. I mean.

They're all dug up. Kenny Vermeer will fix the cones won't you let's get back to the pro sports team I meant to say NFL team because basketball doesn't really bide well in Bisbee I've tried I play it and it doesn't go well nobody knows the rules

so you're saying bring more black people to Bisbee I was thinking Canadian football a Canadian team oh You're saying bring more black people to Bisbee? I was thinking Canadian football. A Canadian team. Oh! Oh! Wait, did Kenny just backstep? He first said basketball and then went to football.

What happened? Because we talked over him. Hang on. Canadian football. The NFL is trying. This is not me, by the way. That's a fucking genius Kenny move. Off script. NFL is always trying to get into London. He's trying to get CFL

into Bisbee. Into Bisbee. We have plenty of Canadian tourists that come down here. He's only doing that because he knows I'm completely against Canadians. Please, give him time. Give him time. You're completely against baseball, as I quote. Racist comments, Trump. You're completely against baseball, as I quote. Those are racist comments, Trump.

Anyways. Kenny just backstepped into a hot fudge sundae. I love football, and I think it would go perfect here in this town. That is all I have to say about that. Where? I'll get back to you. At the same place that the baseball is played, we got two different seasons. We can have it in the middle of the season if we have to. For the record,

Warren Ballfield also when it spreads out is the high school football. Look in the left center. You can see the field goals in the back. Allegedly, the Bisbee Pumas own the pick in the longest three years in a row, as you should know. It's because of

one block being kid. No, one block being kid didn't even play. It was because of one block being kid. No, one block's been kid, didn't even play. It was because of the Shuler kid, Spencer. He had 3,000-plus reception yards, 27 touchdowns. You don't even want to know. Where did you get those numbers from? Because you didn't even go to one. Oh, I got film.

You want to see film and the evidence? I got it. It's right here. On a podcast, that would be great. On my phone. I'm just letting you know. I could pull it up for him. But anyways, I love me some sports, and that's all there is to it. A Canadian football team.

I'd love to see it. It would make a difference. Zip line straight to your Canadian football team. Favorite, Bisbee, fucking turquoise blue, I don't care what you name it. Let's do it. After party at Hooters. Yes, sir. Derek, your closing remarks.

In reference to? In reference to why people should vote for you on my Twitter account through the weekend. And follow me on Twitter, Derek4, Mayor4, as a number, D-E-R-I-C-K. As Doug says it. D-E-R-R. I think you missed an R in your own name. Oh, man.

I didn't. You opened it up. Man, I was going to. We were doing so well. You just bombed yourself. You can't even spell your own name. Maybe someone bought both of them for you. I joked about it at the beginning, and he...

My, what do you call that? Self-fulfilling prophecy? We can listen to this later, and I'm sure I got both of those R's in there. I think you just stretched an R, like a Japanese person. R-D-E-R-I-C-K-4. Finish strong, Derek. Finish strong, Derek. Dalek for mayor.

Any closing comments, Kenny? Go ahead, Derek. Hold on. Go ahead. You're not done. No, Derek. For Derek, for Mayor, because I've had experience in politics for years, and I know how the system works, and I can get things done.

I can't even get Kenny to do anything. He doesn't even like to watch me work. So I don't know how he's going to get anything done for this town. And even if I get elected and don't do anything, I'll still get more done than Kenny does. Okay. Kenny? Okay. Maybe I don't like to get stuff done as fast

as you, but at least I... Oh, God, you made me so mad. I can't even say anything. Anyways. Hold on. Let me take your phone. Don't call 911. So? anyways hold on let me take your phone don't call 9-1-1 so watching you work is like watching my taxes go into your pocket as you're busting your broken leg to do things that i don't understand you can come over to my house and i come over to your house to smoke weed and watch goddamndamn Price. It's right. Not fucking work.

Do stoner things. Not put together car radiators and fucking take apart the car. I don't know how to do that shit. I like to watch game shows. That's what I do. Fear of the Walking Dead. Shit like that. Stoner things.

You know, things we do every day. Things you have sold me out on. Things you do not fucking do with me. But that's okay. Anyways, so what was the question? Is that your closing statement? I think you've said it all. And at least I can spell my own name. That's Kenny for Mayor, K-E-N-N-Y

4, as in the number 4 Mayor, M-A-Y-O-R dot com. And at Twitter at Castle Rock Kenny, you'll find it. No, no, no, Kenny for Mayor. We at Twitter at Castle Rock Kenny. You'll find it. No, no, no. Kenny for Mayor.

Kenny for Mayor. Kenny for Mayor. We're going to turn those over to you at the end of this campaign. Please go to – where is that? Just follow my Twitter. We're going to put up a poll tomorrow morning at Doug Stanhope. It's up right now. Oh, it's up right now. Yeah.

Okay. So vote for who you think deserves credit for making Bisbee number one in this mayoral. Yeah, Bisbee number one. Bisbee number one. We know you get the credit now in the mayoral campaign. Who do you think should get the credit just in the campaign? Because we know you hashtag killer term We'll have new fun shit. Eventually we'll do something that actually helps people. But in the meantime, we have some thank yous we have to do.

What? Oh, poll ends noon PST on Monday, May 2nd. That's 2016. I had to think of what year it was. It's been a long life. Thank yous. Chaley, what do you got? Oh, shit.

I thought we were taking a break before thank yous. Fuck it. Let's do it. Hot thank yous. Hot thank yous. Thank you, Tracy, for making all the drinks tonight. Thank you, Tracy. She puts the T-R in Traley. Tracy, who sent the Chilkoot Charlie's ticket stub from Leonard Skinner

to 1989 sponsored by Chilkoot Charlie's? Didn't open it. That did. Oh, who sent me that? That was inside a Bible. Oh, okay. So that's herb. Herb.

Herb. Oh, yeah. I prefer herb. Herb. Herb leg. And he also sent Chad and I $20 each. Can we smoke that Bible? And this ticket stuff is hilarious because it's the bar.

Chilko Charlie's is the bar in Alaska that Chaley and Tracy met at, worked at, helped. It was before I even got there, 89, Leonard Skinner. And they played at the Sullivan, but Coots promoted it. And then we got another. We got another. This is from a guy Well, I have a story about that one. So this is

This guy sent me cash, which thank you so much. But Chad got something else. So you give the props to the guy. Well, this is a guy who messaged me on Facebook and said Oh, is that Trippy Trip? Trippy Trap. Trippy Trap.

He said, I have a package that I wanted to send you guys, but it's probably not meant for the mail. And he asked me to meet him at a local... Specifically, what did he say? Meet me at the

regular... Well, yeah. It's the regular corner drug deal place that everybody knows, and he knew it was iconic as well as I did. So I was like, all right, he's all right. And I figured he was going to give me some weed. He said that, and Chad knew exactly what he was talking about. Nothing else was confirmed. Yeah, the corner gas station where everybody exchanges drugs.

So we go over, and I meet him up there, and he was a really nice young guy and uh i i felt weird about it of course but the only reason i did it's because i wanted to make a story because staniel vaspy do you have any stories and i always just go huh so i thought i'd make up a story first i thought the guy might want to fight me i was kind of hoping i was like maybe this guy wants to get in a fight the corner store it's weird what your imagination does, dude. And then he ended up to be a super fucking nice guy who, when I tried to make small talk, would be like,

so have you lived here your whole life? And he's like, I got to go. I was like, yeah. He's weirder than you. Yeah, I was like, I like this guy. But I didn't know what I was taking back. He handed me a box. And so I was like, can I open it?

Yeah, like a box. And he says, can I open it? What's in the box? I said, can I open it right here? And he goes, I guess so. And I opened it up and I smelled weed, which is kind of what I figured when he said, I have a box for you that is better off not going to mail. That or a bomb. I closed it and I was like, it smells really good.

Thanks a lot. And I get home and it smells really good. Thanks a lot. And I get home, and I open it up, and there's like four quarter-ounce bags of medicinal weed. There's cards with – Explain this to me because I don't know – I don't smoke, so I don't know rates and measures. An ounce of medicinal – Be a fucking dollar amount. That's what I was going to do. An ounce of medicinal weed is $300 or upwards.

This was good quality medicinal weed. What? In addition to that, he gives me a container of wax, weed wax. I don't even know the value of that because I don't even know where to get it. That's concentrated weed. That's like $40 a gram. In addition to that, he gives me two. Kenny Vermeer says.

In addition to that, he has two cards of shatter, which I donated to Kenny Vermeer and Derek Vermeer. What's this lingo the kids are talking about? They say shatter. It's a dime bag. What's shatter mean? Concentrated THC is what it boils down to. So, yeah, a significant amount of cannabis-related material.

I was... Dollar amount? Kenny? Derek? Worst drug deal ever, by the way. Set up, but that's okay. Well, worst and best at the same time. One person got a great deal. Yeah, and Chad's got his fucking pants up his ass the whole time, pucker butt,

thinking he might be getting handed a bomb or a head. Not at all. I was completely comfortable with it. It had to have been by Cloud9. This is a guy who planned a suicide by cop. My worst case scenario was this is a guy who wanted to fight me, which was also my best case scenario. So it was a win-win story

for me. I thought a whole new Jack City type gone wrong, but that's okay. I didn't know there was that much in there. I opened it a little bit. You're not done. I told him thanks. I left. As soon as I got home and opened it up and I saw the amount, dollar amount total, I would put

$700. That's weed related material. Anything else? Then I messaged him and I told him i had no idea or else i would have fucking kissed you on the mouth you know i otherwise i wouldn't just shook your hand and said nice to meet you later he said did you find everything and one of the things he told me was to put the stuff in foil in the refrigerator as i left so told him, I'm opening the stuff in foil now. I open it up, and it says DMT on it.

So I'm like, is that? That needs to be chilled like diabetes medication? I don't know. I've never come across it before. I've always wanted to do it. The first time I ever heard of it was on XM Comedy Radio, where Joe Rogan was talking about doing it with Stan Hope. So I wanted to do it from a long

time ago and then now i know myself well enough to know that my mind's too fragile and i probably won't do dm i still regret it that's a mind-blowing experience i don't regret it but i wouldn't do it again the story explains why why you feel like the way you do but i so i was like is that is that what it says on it he's yeah so if i put that in the refrigerator, and he says, check the cigarettes. And there's an old... I have it right here. It's like a joke. I knew that one was for Stanhope right away.

Concord 100's English cigarettes. It looks like candy cigarettes. It's like a Joy Buzzer from 1965, where it's a pack of cigarettes that look like candy cigarettes, but when you open it from the side, a little dickhead pops out. A little plastic dickhead goes, doink! So it's funny.

Yeah, I knew right away that one was for you, except for when I slid it out, also was a small bag with LSD. It flew right at your face like a dick. Very fucking nice. All of which have been flushed down the toilet. Very fucking nice. All of which have been flushed down the toilet. Just say no. There is no...

Not the cash. Toilet. What toilet? Kenny, mayor of the sewers. Thanks for the thought, though, Trippy Trap. Thank you for that. Fantastic fellow. I have your phone number

on my Facebook, and I may text you for other reasons. It's not related to drugs. Honestly, seriously, please do not mail drugs to the house. I love all the goofy shit you send. We don't shit where

we eat. We don't want any problems. I have enough money that I can buy drugs if we want drugs. Do not mail drugs, but mail other shit to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. And, yeah, we love all the legal shit. Quickly, the rest of the Fat Mouth Cosgrove. Let me read this. This is the end of your thank yous that was a thank you to trippy trap uh this this is the uh letter i got kenny not only did he get the uh three by five vinyl banner that says kenny for mayor with a bunch of bogus sponsors. Someone sent a full wall-sized poster of Kenny for Mayor,

Castle Rock Kenny for Mayor, and it's Kenny as Abe Lincoln. I saw it on Twitter. It's fucking beautiful. It's fucking awesome. Thank you a lot. Doug, this guy must have sent something before, but I don't know what it was. It was not the same guy. God damn it. The San Diego

Comedy Club that sent the banner. I should plug him again because he says he's sending a Derek Vermeer banner to go. If he would have just sent his name, we would remember it. Go pull out the banner. Comedy Palace. Comedy at the Palace in San Diego. Comedy at the Palace in san diego this

guy sent something but he wrote with the uh the new poster of kenny for mayor as abe lincoln with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth like a merged picture yeah yeah morphed yes it says it took a lot more stealth to get this one past my employer i told anyone who asked that it was a package of curtain rods. It worked for Lee Harvey Oswald and it worked for me. Signed, Fat Mouth Cosgrove. Nice job. Thank you very much.

Thanks a lot, Fat Mouth. It's printed on canvas. Did you say that? Yeah, canvas. It's fucking gorgeous. I thought that was paper. And Josh... Shit, I never finished writing that note josh sent a postcard and he said uh he's from caldwell idaho he said mention crouch idaho because i'm thinking of moving there crouch idaho is a small town of like

i was like 400 people on the way to Boise going east. I lived there. We halfway ate there on the way back. Oh, that's right. We were going to stay there. Horrible tour that we went on. Fuck, I forgot you were there. Uncle Bill.

My Uncle Bill, he met us out there in Boise. In Boise, yeah. We were going to stay in Crouch because I lived there. And it's in the book, Digging Up Mother, which you can pre-order the whole Crouch event of my life. Digging Up Mother, which you can pre-order the whole crouch event of my life, living in a town of 400 people with no pussy when I was fucking 22 years old, 21. I don't know. Maybe that describes the stink eye that we got there when we were run out of town,

like Frankenstein. Well, if you read the book, it was fucking scary. But we did just have an 11-hour drive on a hangover through the mountains. But if you read the book you find out why doug almost had pussy or he lost his pussy in crouch oh no that was yeah all right it kind of yeah it's a book pre-order it now please uh pre-order it and then uh charge it back on your credit card this is what we used to do in telemarketing days you'd call your friend hey order this and then charge it back because i'll get the commission and i'll quit before they know anyway uh that's it for the thank yous

lou graham uh evidently lives in sierra vista from foreigner and i just tweeted him to get him it's graham is g-r-a-M-M. I think it's Graham Lou. I thought that was H&M. No, I found it on Twitter. I said, hey, come on the podcast. That would be great. I followed someone else through high school. Stock said, one of your platforms, Kenny and Derek,

should be change this sign from Bisbee Historical Landmark to Hysterical Landmark. Love that idea. Number one. Shady Dell should be a national historical site. And... Fuck.

We need a sign that says campaign headquarters. Chaley rented a shop down on Arizona Street, the site of the new Hooters or Subway. I know you guys have. Coming soon. Coming soon.

Chili's, whatever. Subway. So all the posters are going up on the barren main street of Warren, the Warren section of Bisbee. They're all going up there. Actually, there's an area. All the podcast listeners will head there and check it out. There are so many vacancies.

We could just put posters everywhere every day. And the upcoming and coming soon, because she has shit to do, the new Doug Stanhope eBay yard sale, where I counted at least 43 of my sport coats as well as other shit. I have a residual check, a royalty check from Premium Blend that I just got. I filmed in 2001. It was for nine cents, but they took out four cents in taxes. So it's a check for five cents.

That will be going up for sale, autographed, so in case you need to cash it. Fully endorsed. Oh, endorsed on the back, right? Yes, it will be endorsed. We get a lot of shit. That's coming up soon, so stay tuned for the eBay yard sale. Bingo has some of her outfits going up. There's going to be a lot of shit.

That's coming up soon. In February, when you had your shows, I took off my security red jacket and my camel hair jacket and threw them in the back of my truck, and they're now under four feet of trash. What are those worth? Shit. eBay will decide. Probably a good amount. Whoever did the graphics for Chad Shank's Bisbee Police beat. Yeah, and I wanted to thank whoever put that together because my wife

doesn't listen to the podcast for obvious reasons, but I could show her that to show her. Your wife, Lori? Yeah, my wife, Lori. Our four daughters. But I could show her that without giving away all the horrible fucking stuff that I say.

Red Box fucking banged me again for 99 bucks, but it's a recent credit card, the last credit card statement. Banged me again for a movie that I returned the fucking movies. So I'm just going to reject that through Visa. So you can stop with the out of order on Red Box, but keep up the operation. Hashtag operation cover-up is my thing i do at safeway anytime you're in line at your grocery store cover up all the tabloids with a

cool magazine just something nebulous i use arizona highways or phoenix something with a hey here's a healthy diet thing just people have have been tweeting me pictures, and I try to retweet them, but don't cover up tabloids with worse shit. Just find one thing, Time Magazine, Newsweek, something. Modern knitting. Modern knitting, something that's not tabloid. So hashtag Operation Cover-Up is when you're in line at the checkout. Just put one magazine in front of everything that tells you about Kardashians, not tabloid. So hashtag operation coverup is when you're in line at the checkout.

Just put one magazine in front of everything that tells you about Kardashians or fucking Jenner's or whoever Michael Douglas is dying. All that fucking horrible shit. You don't want to know covered up. Tweet me the picture. I'll retweet it. Derek has something in closing. I was at Safeway the other day and I went to cover up

someone in Arizona Highway and Bree was getting someone and walked up behind me and was like, did you cover that? And I'm like, no, Doug already beat me to it. Yeah, half of our... I got to cover two of them, but one of them was already... Yeah. They're already covered up at Safeway

because of everybody else, so apparently you guys are on it. Yeah, well, you the listeners, please continue that. Thank you very much. We have to close this podcast. And we have to close it out with what? Say goodnight, Gracie. No, we can't do Castle Rock, Kenny Vermeer. That would be biased.

Oh, a song. Yeah, fuck it. We're closed with something. Thank you, Killer Termites. Bisbee's number one. Bisbee's number one. Bisbee's number one. How am I doing?

Not so good, man. It's not my fault. I drink Mountain Dew after Mountain Dew then drink a Pepsi. I haven't exercised since 2003 I had Burger King for breakfast then KFC And I'm fat now, thanks Obama I'm sure you've dealt with some similar things

I cash my check Friday, I'm bimping again I bought weed, beer and some video games And I'm broke by Saturday, thanks Obama I'm at the bar spending all of my cash. Getting wasted like a burger in the trash. Hopped in my car all drunk and then crashed. I don't have State Farm, thanks Obama. I get distracted when I'm driving in the street.

Riding with my knee, Facebooking, not looking. I killed a pedestrian, knocked a box truck crooked. These handcuffs hurt, thanks Obama. Truck crooked. These handcuffs hurt. Thanks, Obama. Five down, four. It ain't my fault.

Three and I is still living at my mama's bank account. No comma. Yelling, thanks, Obama. Five down, four. It ain't my fault. 2 p.m. and I'm still in my pajamas. Only friend is this iguana. Thanks, Obama. And I'm still in my pajamas Only friend is this iguana Thanks Obama Man I should be a rap star

It ain't up for debate But I'm never working on music Always taking a break And I don't get why I'm not as famous as Drake I have 12 followers Thanks Obama I'm pissed like a catheter I drank every night in college And I never't get why I'm not as famous as Drake I have 12 followers Thanks Obama I'm pissed like a catheter I drank every night in college

And I never got my bachelor's So now I'm 30 flipping spatulas And smoking bowls up in the back of Acuras with Ted Thanks Obama I'm always doing what I got to do Like last week When I banged a prostitute with no condom Now I'm in the hospital

The doctor says it's gonorrhea Thanks Obama I didn't take the trash out last week My house smells like a homeless man's ass cheeks I was busy smoking crack out of this glass piece While my kids cried Thanks Obama My downfall

It ate my soul 29 still living at my mama's bank account. No comma. Yelling thanks Obama. Five down fall. It ain't my fault. 6 p.m. and I'm still in my pajamas. Hanging out with this iguana.

Thanks Obama. I have something important to discuss with you. Thanks for nothing. I'm going more like it. Responsibility. It can't be my fault. I made my life suck so much. Tweeted something racist and lost my job

because someone showed my boss. Thanks, Barack. Now I'm homeless, selling handjobs for five bucks. You know the reason for all of my drama It starts with an O and it ends with a bomb You know me My downfall

What? It ain't my fault 29 still living at my mama's bank account No comma, yelling thanks Obama I'm telling you My downfall It ain't my fault Hell no 10pm having sex with my iguana Got caught by my mama you oh hell no

10pm having sex with my iguana got caught by my mama thanks Obama god damn so Obama this is no picnic for me either buster yeah right this is no picnic for me either buster thanks Obama

who was the other dudes name who um the mormon dude should have voted for the fucking mormon dude dude he totally would have let Thanks, Obama. What was the other dude's name? The Mormon dude. Should have voted for the fucking Mormon dude, dude. He totally would have let you have sex with the iguana. The iguana. The iguana. Hi, this is Jen Luria, Prime Minister of Bisbee Tourism. I'd like to thank all the killer termites who voted Bisbee to be named number one historic small town in America.

Now, we'd love for you to actually visit. Please follow us on Twitter, at BisbeeInfo, or visit DiscoverBisbee.com for all the upcoming unique events, as well as many choices in dining, accommodations, and attractions. And, if you're lucky, maybe a trip to the funhouse to meet the family that is the Doug Stanhope Shot Clock Podcast.