The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #139: Naked on the Porch with a Boner

Episode Date: May 10, 2016

Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.com  Doug rounds up the candidates for another stab at the topics, Chad experiments with a new drug and Alex Omera is off the wagon. Newspaper man Nigel Duara hits the candidates with a few questions.Recorded May 04, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Alex O'Meara (@AlexOmeara), Nigel Duara (@nigelduara), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Castle Rock Kenny (@Kenny4Mayor), Derrick (@Derrick4Mayor) and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Fool4AClient.com - http://www.fool4aclient.com/   Castle Rock Kenny 4 Mayor Website http://www.kenny4mayor.com/   Rev. Derrick 4 Mayor Website - http://www.derrick4mayor.com   McGillicuddys Mint Schnapps - http://drmcgillicuddy.com/   Tucson Saquaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Shady Dell Trailer Resort - http://www.theshadydell.com/ Intro submitted by Mondo Ranger. Closing song, "Exhausted Love", by Eyedea & Abilities. Available on iTunes.Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

we on all right doug stanhope uh podcast i don't even like starting with that i like starting with us talking can we start with the can we just start with that punk rock intro that those kids made Somebody did finally send a Derek Vermeer jingle. And they said, hey, this is kind of bad. And I listened to it and I went, yep, it is. But thanks for doing it because you're the only one who tried. Derek Vermeer lost horrifically to Kenny Vermeer the candidates are in the house

we'll have them on a later segment we're just trying to get our sea legs and our bearings here but the book is I wish the fucking publisher never told me this and when he told me this he said you're gonna wish I never told me this and when he told me this he's he said you're gonna wish i never told

you this oh no he said uh well do you know about the amazon sales rankings and i went no i knew when i click on it it said number one in comedy which yeah that's like number one in karaoke i think that's more of a marketing like a whatever one's popular yeah he goes well no no the overall sales ranking and it was the day we put out the email blast which even hennigan forgot oh yeah we should do the mailing list the people that take the fucking three seconds to sign up on it they might want to to know. Well, it was that day. That shot us. The publisher said, if you can break 10,000, like in the top 10,000 rankings.

It's of all books. You're doing good. Yeah, of all books. Alex O'Mara is here, who helped me immensely when I was writing the book. And I looked your book up. It was at one time my book. All right. It was.

Now it's at $4,700,000. No, it's at $2,445,000. I moved up. I moved up. That's great. But when I first did it. It's because of the podcast. I was in the $7,000s.

You're welcome for that bump. You're welcome for that little spike there. Thank you for the podcast bump. Nice. No, I'm just kidding. You moved up $2, 7,000s. You know, I was swimming with the fishes. You're welcome for that little spike there. Thank you for the podcast bump, guys. No, I'm just kidding. You moved up two million. Cheers, brother. Right? That's a lot of fucking books.

Well, I was – because he told me when he said, well, if you break the top 10,000, you're doing really good. And it didn't make sense to me. So I looked up the few authors that I know that are friends to try to get some kind of semblance of what the order is. A gauge. A gauge. That's the word. And that's where Alex came in. Every time I wrote, the knight was nice, he'd go, you should use a better word than nice.

Or nice. Nice is a terrible word. I went fast no no you can't write like that thanks thesaurus.com for writing most of my book uh so at that time he said if you break the 10 000 mark you're doing good if you break the 10,000 mark, you're doing good. If you break the 1,000 mark, you're doing great. And at that day, we were at 57. Nice. And I almost fucking cried. I'm like, Jesus.

I was scared. That's nice. And I didn't post anything about it, thank God, because I realized. Because he was saying, saying well there must have been some kind of bump because and he goes well amazon put it on their hot things of the month that might be it and then i realized after i hung up no we put out the fucking mailing list blasts like what we're supposed to be advertising on uh yeah you don't get credit fucking killer termites get credit we've done once again no killer termites save your ass i want to see you i want to see you on the uh

new york times best seller list top 20 because then they have to deal with that which would be like well now we have to review it what the fuck do we say i've i've heard uh i've heard there's a lot of politics to go with that i don't i'm completely out of my element on this but for one night we were fucking 57 in the top 100 books on amazon and then after we realized the mailing list blast now we're slipping backwards so i they told me about this at its peak. And now then it went to 68 and then 98 and then 150. Do another mailing list blast. So we've just been watching it go down.

Now, you would think that the reason things slipped was because we don't keep hammering the email. The thing is the email blast, we're so derelict in it that when it does happen, we get results. It's an event yes it's not it's not some like like kooky thing it's like hey doug stubbed his toe check it out here's a picture i get a lot of shit from fans who say oh i signed up for your mailing list and i haven't gotten anything in a year and a half well i don't send out like goofy newsletters it's not the fucking national lampoon it's like hey when I'm coming near you, do a gig. It's road dates, and those have been very few.

So I don't even get the emails. So now you're watching your Amazon list like you're a day trader, watching their stocks or what? What's going on? You're like, come on, come on, 2.10. Had to stop. Had to stop because it's just going backwards. It's the depressing version of watching Bisbee

become number one. It's the opposite. It's backsliding. So the guy at DeCapo, he knew that that's because he probably does that. He goes, we have to. I shouldn't have told you. You don't have to do this. You were very excited when you came down

for breakfast or whatever. But 200 something is still good. That's fantastic. And it's going to drop from there because I won't do any press for it for another two weeks. I think May 17th is when I start doing opium gym, and then it's the landslide of press. We should back that barrier up. Now it's top 500 is huge.

Don't go top 100. You're still in the 1,000, which he didn't even think you were going to get into. I didn't expect anything. I expected you, the listeners, the killer termites, and the... Yeah, I figured you'd buy it, and they'll fail at getting it

into bookstores. If you only would have got on the Amazon top 1,000, Mr. Stanhope, but I'm sorry so we just can't we can't really give the the financial push that we wanted here here's the thing and uh everyone in the uk that keeps haunting me but doesn't listen to the podcast we're trying our best to get it into the uk uh it's in the works it will be out there and audio versions it will eventually be out there but we can't even talk about that till we make some fucking bestseller lists and that's all based on

pre-orders i don't get the business i'd tell you if i did uh so yes we'll have all that shit out there eventually in the meantime buy the motherfucking book it's fucking 15 bucks jesus what my show is like what 40 bucks or 20 i don't know what we charge for a show that's an hour this is a book your book is like a good three shows my book is for my listeners is like two weeks of solid trying to go phonetically this is a hard cover right all of them yeah it's hard cover and uh you can we get autographed copies eventually or i'll be in your town as soon as yeah i'll sign it after a show because i have to get back are you doing a book tour of any sort? Yes.

Yeah, I'm doing... Yeah, it's endless. Not airport? No. No one ever jumped on that. That's fucking great, man. That's a great idea. The gorilla?

Yeah. Gorilla marketing. Going out and just doing my usual... GU, not GO. Airport pub crawl where I'm just trying to get miles never leaving an airport, just fly and fly and fly,

but then show up at Hudson news or WH Smith in the airport folding table. Yeah. Do signings. I know. I don't, I don't know if the Decapo press has their shit together as far as weird marketing. I know my listeners might,

what do you got? I was just going to say, I pictured you setting up your book, selling outside, as weird marketing. I know my listeners might. What do you got? I was just going to say, I pictured you setting up your book, selling outside, and then you could also sell those neck pillows that you said are always on sale for slightly less. Clearance.

Just undersell them. Clearance, two for 20. Really? This is the longest clearance ever on neck pillows because I've been flying for 20 years and it's always the same sign and the same clearance. Doug, you've seen the books that are for sale

at all of the World News and all that stuff. Hudson News. Hudson News. You've seen all those things. Your book is obviously going to get in there. I mean, you don't know. I don't have any idea. So why wouldn't it be one of these natural things

where you can do it because they're selling it there? I have advanced copies. I have't know. I don't have any idea. So why wouldn't it be one of these natural things where you can do it because they're selling it there? I have advanced copies. I have to fly. I have to fly to L.A. to start doing editing on Sunday. I have to fly to New York the next week and then to L.A. again. So I have advanced copies, which I'm going to bring with me and try to buy them. You're going to go up? At all the bookstores in the airports.

Just bring it up and go, yeah, I'd like to buy it, and have them scan it and see what happens. Like, I don't know what's going to happen. It's not showing up, sir. All right, just leave it. Then they sell it, and then all of a sudden, a week later, Toby has the pre-shift sales meeting and says, I don't know what's happening but there's

a book showing up on our it's it's it's it's scanned in as miscellaneous but uh you know jennifer said this is definitely it's moving all over the country it's crazy the whole country's getting we're getting these little radar blips i have no idea it's just gonna be funny to me that's all i know we gotta go to imes i'm Iowa. Insist. You're going to insist on you're going to insist on paying for it. Yeah. You make a scene. What? I can't buy this book.

Digging up mother. A lot of story ship. You're not. You won't sell this to me. I'm on the. Oh, how long until they figure out you're on the. Hold your thumb over your face. I wish I could travel with a shovel.

Inflatable shovel. Last podcast, I threw this out there. It's thrift store shopping to find the whippier fans, audience, killer termites. But I talked about, hey, plug this on johnny depp fan twitters because there's a million of them and some of them have more followers than i do and it's a fan twitter and people are like the there's a few people that have got it right trolled it nice accurately hey johnny depp and tugg Stanhope co-wrote this book. I think you should know about it because on Amazon it says,

book by Doug Stanhope and Johnny Depp. You have to read deep in the print to see that he just wrote the forward. I think Johnny's on the cover, right? He is the shovel. It's weird. You've got to squint. It says forward by, doesn't it? Oh, it says forward by Johnny Depp right on the cover. He made the cover.

I thought you meant a picture of him on the cover. I was like... Well, keep looking. It's a little Easter egg. I didn't want to tip it. I didn't want to tip it. But I was thinking, there's gotta be Facebook pages and Twitter accounts

or just websites, forums, right to to die where you're not where it's not just scamming johnny depp where you like hey this is about you know a guy about that issue yeah yeah so yeah the the the one percenters of the killer termites who can – and I've read the Amazon reviews of the book, and about 80% are goofballs, and then one guy that's just crazy, and then a couple really good reviews. The funny ones are funny. Hey, this is, you know, I was the third base coach for the killer termites or some shit. All right, yeah.

It's an inside joke. I get it. But yeah, I appreciate the reviews there. Have you gotten any review reviews like from, I don't know, Kirkus or places? No, Kirkus is the only one.

All right, yeah. And I didn't read that one because I was scared. Publishers Weekly probably will. That represents libraries, actually. If they review it well, it will go out to libraries because librarians actually have to order books. And they get a newsletter called Publishers Weekly, and they look at it and they go, will I get this book or not? All right, well, the thing is not officially released.

Amazon just started shipping early, which I heard was not uncommon. Right. So we haven't done any real press. I talked to the Boston Globe today, but the book doesn't come out until next week officially. That's 2.05 right there. Easy. That's 2.05. When it comes out, you're at 2.11 right now.

Takes a minute, people. Yeah, I don't think i'm doing stern till june which is fine uh i don't want to show up there tired that's the fucking a game right there you doing marin yeah i'm doing marin when are you doing that? I think I'd have to see a calendar. Next week? No, no. Oh, you're going for something else. That's right. Yes.

This is all like third week of May 2016 if you're just getting caught up on the podcast. When you do a podcast with another comedian, is it like a competition or it's a landmark? Yeah, when it's their thing well generally we do a swap cast where we both put it out as our own podcast right but yeah mark maron you don't want to probably not going for that yeah probably not you're not gonna pitch swap cast to mark maron i'll pitch it oh you're uh you've done maron before though right you've done one one time before yeah what would what would what would the uh liability be if we just put out, hey, all right, we're going to wait until you put it out, and then we're going to put it out as ours? I'll talk to him about it.

You don't see the downside? No, I don't see the downside. Come on. What? Well, the only way to listen to Marc Marin talk to you would be through his site. You know what? A lot of my fans have no idea who Marc Maron is. Well, it didn't hurt Bert Kreischer and us when we did a Swabcast.

It was the biggest numbers we've ever done. I have no idea. I'm just saying. But, hey, Bert Kreischer on a Periscope today said that he might be coming back over here. I saw that. Yeah, I know. I know Doug will cancel things to be here for that. Yeah.

I have nothing to cancel. I'll got myself in. So, yeah, that's what's going on with the book. And now let's, you want to take a break? Yeah. All right, we're going to take a quick break. And here's a word from this week's sponsor. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust? And here's a word from this week's sponsor. We make the dream of being your own attorney spring to life.

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Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com with the number four, because someone else has the spelled out version. Oh, someone tweeted that we should, they have their drinking game going on, so we should always clink the ice in front of the microphone and then audibly sip. Oh. We have to try to do that? Clink my light beer.

Let's see how much I can annoy Stanhope with mouth sounds. That's different. He's talking about the kinky. I actually had this conversation. It's not slurping. It's the chewing, open mouth chewing. Killer Termites Baseball. Here's why I did not show up

at City Council on Tuesday to declare May 29th Killer Termites Day since you did make I did not show up at City Council on Tuesday to declare May 29th Killer Termites Day since you did make Bisbee number one small historic town in America. Yay! It's because

Jen Luria who runs the discoverbisbee.com and at bisbee info bisbo tourism Twitter, she figured out how you actually do it legit. Bisbee info, Bisbo, Bisbo, Bisbee tourism Twitter. She figured out how you actually do it legit. So I just had to email.

So on May 17th at council, we should be officially killer termites. Day is May 29th to coincide with Bisbee baseball. It's the Tucson Saguaro's, but we're going to call them the Bisbee Killer Termites when they play here every Sunday at 1 p.m. from May 22nd. I won't be here May 29th. I will be here unless something goes weird. So that's May 29th at the Warren Ballpark in Bisbee, Arizona,

Killer Termites Day. Some guy already bought plane tickets. Yeah, I'm going to be there. As far as I know, I will be there. Dress weird, come down. And it's officially killer termites day in Bisbee.

Unless the mayor, for some reason, smooshes it. And then there'll be repercussions. He is a smoosher. Just, just to be up to the man, just to be clear,

Doug will not be doing any time at the ball field oh yeah we always do time no we'll be in the stands there'll be no stand up show there's nothing else going on yep there's good old fashioned baseball

so that's that Chad Shank hang on let's see who's walking in. Alex O'Mara. Yeah. Helped me effortlessly. What's the word I'm looking for? I'm drunk too quick.

What are you trying to talk about? Selflessly. That's the word I'm looking for. Alex has helped both me and Bingo with her book. Yeah. Which will be coming out one way or another soon. for. Alex has helped both me and Bingo with her book, which will be coming out one way or another soon. You were telling some story.

Well, yeah, your book, I mean, I helped edit it a little bit with your help, and it's not a yuck-yuck book. It's not a bunch of punchline joke things. It's a real narrative through story, not just. It's not a bunch of punchline joke things. It's a real narrative through story, not just about your mother. A lot of comics do put out books of material that never worked on stage,

and I appreciate what you're saying. I'm talking about another story. You were just telling Chad Shank. I go, fuck, this sounds like a good story for the podcast. Oh, we were. Fucking camping, DUI. Just went camping. Fucked up shit.

Just went camping with a bunch of people, people and this boat at night we're playing poker on the picnic table as you do and uh with the quarters and they're falling through but uh so this guy pulls up in his boat headed straight for hang on hang on let me slow up so you can work on your enunciation and announce Alex O'Mara has been on the wagon for months and months up until the camping trip he's talking about and he's been off the wagon since

so he's very fucked up. So let's give him a big round of applause and a welcome back to off the wagon Alex O'Mara. So get back to alright, you're, Alex O'Meara. So get back to, all right, you're on a boat and a... We're on an island, actually. An island.

And this boat comes up in the middle of the night. Where's this island? Patagonia Lake, small lake. And this guy from Memphis, because we kept talking, he's from Memphis, has disco lights on his boat. kept talking to him. He's from Memphis. Has disco lights on his boat. He's coming

up to us on the island playing poker and acting like he wants to fish there. We're like, yeah, that's okay. He's playing music. This is daytime. This is nighttime. He's fishing at night. Yeah, he's night fishing. You and me going fishing in the dark.

Go ahead. That was it. we were like dick so he went off and then the next morning we're up cooking breakfast you know the chorizo and the eggs and the potatoes because one of us has it going on and uh the guy comes back and he's blaring country music and we like the songs but we're like don't insult me by blaring your songs even if i like them so you know uh then he gets to the other end of the island and his engine conks out and he's dead in the water oh this is like when someone passes you and flips you off and then you see him three miles later pulled over by the cops. That was it. This was better. He was broken down.

And I was like, well, tell me there's not a deity. This is how things work, dudes. There's not a deity. In this case, there was. Had to be there. And this old couple comes up to help him and they throw out a line to tow him.

Got to be towed. And he's bitching at the people about how the old couple, nice fishing couple, whatever, and he's bitching at them about how they should tow him. Oh, let loose on the line there, ma'am. Being all polite, but a dick. And then as he's driving off, he's being towed, throwing beer cans off the side. It was ugly, man. If nobody sank this guy's boat or punched him in the face, this is a horrible story.

He broke down. I take that for what it's worth. He broke down, and then you guys went over and secretly sabotaged his boat, so it sank? Now I'm glad I didn't go on this trip. That'd be cool. No, we thought about it because we were all junked up. But we're like, he might have firearms. He is from Memphis.

So we didn't do that. I might have went and sank his boat. Was that the story? Because there was a DUI story. I don't know. I was confused in the break. Oh, no. My girlfriend couldn't go to work.

She had to go to work. She couldn't go on the trip because the person who was going to do her shift. All right. So there you are. Different story. Different story. Yeah. Chad Shank has another story.

Chad Shank called me. Was it yesterday morning? It was Monday. Monday, yeah. Yeah, yesterday. Two days ago. Two days. All right.

I can't tell what day it is. Chad Shank calls me at 10 o'clock in the morning. First of all, Chad Shank calls no one. You called Chad Shank, and then he doesn't answer the phone to let you know where you stand. That's not true. I was just fluffing it up. Sounds true.

But I usually don't make outgoing calls. You're right about that. Especially at 10 in the morning, 10.30. Yeah. And so Chad Shank, so I answered. He goes, hey, you ever fuck with a drug called 2C-B? I fucked up Monday morning because I got this package that had some drugs in it and had a message saying this one is Lucy and not very strong,

and this one's 2CB. And I didn't know what 2CB, but I know what Lucy meant. So I was like, all right, some not very strong LSD would be nice today because I had to build a chicken coop that day, and I still do. It's good working for the house. I just knew that the guy that I woke up as couldn't build a chicken coop. So I was like, well, I'll eat some of this acid and then see if that guy can build a chicken coop.

Except for I read the message wrong, and the one that I ate was something called 2C-B. What is that, by the way? It was described to me. I read it up on Wikipedia, and it was pretty accurate for a decent dose. But it was described to me as a cross between LSD and MDMA. But I've never done MDMA. Not because I've proved

about it, but just a lot of people, nobody ever broke out with it. It was not available, so I've never done it. But this stuff was... Yeah, I get it now. It was a fun day. Yeah, I'm all tingly and stuff.

Oh, it was... I just kept going up and up. It wouldn't stop. My wife finally ran terrified from the house. Yeah, you go, I fucked... You go, I don't know what's going on. I've never done ecstasy before, but I just fucked the shit out of my wife, and now she's running terrified from me.

I'm naked on the fucking front porch with a hard-on, not caring, beating my chest like Tarzan. Yep, that's MDMA. And then I ate 17 tortillas. I never built a chicken coop, but it was a fucking crazy day. Holy shit. I tried to, at one point, later in the night, I tried to tell my wife about it and she's like

you need to write this stuff down so you can tell it to stanhope i'm like no i'll remember all this and then i didn't remember any of it but while i was high as fuck i wrote something down because it was very important to me so it says here uh my experience of being the descriptor is sneaky. It's only eating itself. And that was very important that I write that down. All the good shit that I should have written down later, I didn't write down. Thank God you got that down, though. Oh, no, it means something at the time.

Oh, it does. Everything meant something at the time. It was fantastic meant something at the time it was fantastic i was smiling the whole day so basically what you're saying is you push through the apathy i well and i tried to tell myself that i was like every day every day could be like this and then there was a part of me that was like no that's totally not true dude unless you have a lot of this shit that's not true was that's that's funny. I'll let you read off the air. I had to write the drug PSA for the pilot that we haven't shot yet. It's pro-drug PSAs.

That's actually almost what you just said is in the script I had to send. That's what I realized afterwards. I was like, that's not a good story. Nobody wants to hear everybody else's drug stories that they've already experienced. You naked on the porch with a hard eye. That part was probably funny. Try and get that out of your head.

My wife had no idea what to fucking expect. I think I kept repeating I'm a monster. She's tiptoeing. I was growling a lot i know i was naked and growling and saying i was a monster and then she left for several hours and uh came back from the store and and had like nine packages of beef jerky. Just because she's sweet and didn't know what to do, but she was like, he probably wants some beef jerky.

He was naked and saying he was a monster. That makes sense. Monsters eat meat. That's what monsters eat. In the Philippines or Taekwondo, wherever she's from. That's what we feed them. Monsters eat meat.

It's very nice. Randall. He's a chupacabra. Lori's awesome. She's awesome. Lori's awesome. I miss him. No, that's how they...

And that guy did write back, tweet back, saying, sorry, got some facts wrong. I actually told Jenny, look at this. It got everything wrong in the beginning, and I didn't look at it. And she read it. She goes, no, everything's right. And she said he fixed it all. So I was like, oh. Online, that's what you can do.

If you're not caught up, if you're just chiming in, from Dayton, Ohio, someone wrote a beautiful expose on Chad Shank in the podcast. The Canton Repository? Not Dayton, Canton. Canton Repository? Not Dayton, Canton. Canton Repository.

BJ Lisko. Yeah, BJ Lisko. Yeah, we fucked up his name and everything. That was funny. So yeah, that was my experience with the QCD. So what do you give it?

Oh, I have like three more pieces at home. I'm just waiting until I've got a day off. Until your wife, when the fire goes out and her pussy heals up. She doesn't have any plans. Starts walking a day off. Until your wife, when the fire goes out in her pussy. Heels up.

She doesn't have any plans. Starts walking a straight line. Inside of her pussy is like the roof of your mouth after hot pizza. I do remember finally telling her, this drug doesn't know that I have physical limitations, but I do. Yeah, Chad, you're not going camping. All fucking red-faced and about to die. I'm like, God, nobody wants

to hold that guy. This is horrible. I should have given her some of this. It was funny, because that day I was, I won't say busy, but Monday, where I get to get my life back together for at least four days before this happens again. So he called me and I told him, hey, ride it out. You'll have fun.

Then I didn't. I did other shit. And then we came down to your place, Chaley, for dinner. I came down and I get a text like 6 o'clock that night 8 hours later from Chad Shanko going well that was an interesting day. I remember when I called you, I remember you said

what time did you take this? I said about 7am. You said that's an interesting time to experiment with hallucinations. And I said it about 7 a.m.? He said, that's an interesting time to experiment with hallucinogens. And I said, it's an interesting time to be experimenting with life. I do remember that. You told me early in the morning. We were hungover from the McGillicuddy's experience.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. McGillicuddy's is some weird drink. Explain this, Jay. I don't know. It's a drink that we found out in Anchorage. We went to a bar on an off night, and the bartender was a friend of ours, and he kept drinking with us.

And we're like, they let you drink? And he goes, oh, yeah, all the bartenders here drink. But we can only drink this. And it's, what is it, Tracy, what's it called? Dr. McGillicuddy's. Dr. McGillicuddy's. It's like peppermint schnapps, but it's got half the alcohol. So the owner let all the bartenders and servers have shots. Like, hey, sweetheart, can I buy you a drink?

And it's the bartender goes, sure. Well, they drink alcohol that's half the alcohol, and the owner was cool with it all night. So we thought we would get a bottle of that and start to drink it. But then Tracy is pouring them double high, and you're going, this is a double shot. And she goes, well, it's half the alcohol. Well, that kills the point.

That was a horrible Monday until you got the text messages from Chad. What are we at? Like 40? Let's take a break and close this up with Derek and Kenny from Ayer. We'll pepper them with questions. Nigel Duara, are you here or not?

Can you be here? I don't want to ruin your career. Nigel Duara just are you here or not? Can you be here? I don't want to ruin your career. Nigel Duara just showed up from the LA Times. Maybe you have some questions for Derek and Kenny Vermeer. And we'll take a break and we'll be back after this message. Hey, if you're coming to Bisbee and a lot of people tweet me that they are, if you're not a comic, I don't really pay that much attention. But if you are staying here, the rule still stands.

If you're coming to Bisbee, stay at the Shady Dell if it's available, and I will step away from my book and come have a beer with you. Even Ichabod says, yay on the Shady Dell. TheShadyDell.com, TheShadyDell.com. It's a vintage trailer park. Trailer's done to the nines, just like it's 1958. You're going to love it. I will come down. I'll have cocktails with you. Maybe we burn a steak. I don't know, but stay there. If you're in town and I'm in town, I will see you there. And now back to the podcast podcast already in drudgery. Do you want a shittier zipline tour over the lavender pit?

Do you want a Hooters staining the historical accuracy of Arizona Street in Warren? Do you want Canadian football in America? Build that wall! Build that wall! This nightmare can come true if you vote Kenny for mayor. Make your vote Derek for mayor in Bisbee. Or your house might burn down. This is Reverend Derek. May I approve this message?

In the Army, whenever you fell asleep in class, if you were given class and you fell asleep, they'd make you go to the back and do push-ups until you were able to be awake. Start doing that on the podcast, maybe. Probably. Could you do one and go, that did it? No. Now?

Give me a shot of that. Now I'd be lucky to be able to do one push-up. Give me a shot of that Flickr bean and the tiny plastic shots. Flickr bean? Last night I was doing shots of A1 sauce with a nine-year-old, some nine-year-old girl. What's Flickr bean? It's a caffeine coffee infused whiskey. Sounds like a sexual move.

Oh, it came from, uh, fucking thanks for reminding me. That's Flick-her bean. Yeah. Flickr bean. All right. What? What are you looking for? I was trying to do the thank yous.

I have one so stand up doesn't have to do a shot of one. No, absolutely. Do you have enough shot glasses over there? Make it around. There is a... Deb from TheShadyDell.com. TheShadyDell.com. If you're going to come down for Killer Termites baseball Sunday, May 29th,

stay at theshadydell.com and then heckle with the stars while we destroy the Alpine Cowboys, I believe we were playing that day, the Bisbee Killer Termites, a.k.a. Tucson Saguaros. Don't feel ashamed to politely go on their Facebook page. If you can spell Saguaro, you're a one percenter in the Killer Termites. And tell them, hey, do you mind if we call you the Bisbee Killer Termites when you come down here? Because you will get a way louder crowd than you will ever get in Tucson. Cause we are loyal people.

I think, Hey Doug, this, there's a lot of shots coming out. Coming out. Wait for us. Wait for us. I know I'm using this like,

sorry, go ahead. I was going to say the 29th will be your first game. So I imagine this is going to be an all-day thing because you're going to go down and meet the team and probably talk to them. We want to get a picture of them with Killer Termites gear on. That's the goal, but we have to approach them.

I approached my favorite guy, and I can't remember his name every time we do this, then I look it up. We already have our favorite player. So there's an in with the team already. They kind of know what to expect when they come. This guy's a rookie. God damn it. I tried to memorize his name.

I used to have a way stronger brain than Flickr Bean. I'd like Flickr Bean and weed. I need one too. It's coming. Are we putting an A1 in this? A shot of A1? Oh yeah, that's what I say. Wait, this is not A1? There is a podcast coming with some nine-year-old girl we did.

And since... Whoa, whoa. What? Some nine-year-old girl we did? We did a podcast with some nine-year-old girl. Not all of us. I wasn't here. Either was I when that happened. I can't wait for the swap cast. Nice.

That's the new podcast with Alex O'Meara. Are we good? I caught that, Chad. Nobody else did. Here, here's a shot of Flicker Bean, a former sponsor with the bottle still around. Yeah, maybe. Fuck.

Freeze it. It's going to be better colder. Oh, my God. A1 could totally help that. That would be good with A1. Oh, I would rather than A11 How about Bailey's and Flicker Bean Holy fuck How about just Bailey's

It tastes like black coffee that cooled off I thought it was coffee with absinthe in it Yeah, lukewarm never works That's supposed to be brought to you by vomit What were you starting to Yeah, lukewarm never works. That's supposed to be brought to you by vomit. What were you starting to say? You probably have no memory either. Chad Shank.

Chad Shank! That's the part I was trying to tell you when we weren't recording. It wasn't story worthy, I don't think. But I forgot to tell you that when I first dropped this 2CB, the kid who's been helping me with my roof shows up because he wants to help me with my fence. Now, all the shit that I'm too lazy to do, he wants to get out of his house and come over. He's your Derek. Oh, yeah. I just showed up, so I'm going to hang around for a long time.

So I didn't know how to deal with it. And I was like, I don't know what to do. And I finally just told Jenny. I said, I'm just going to be honest. I'm just going to go. And so I went out and go, listen, but I did just drop some acid. And I thought I was going to be all right. But this is clearly something that I'm not used to.

I'm in a different headspace. And I need to be alone today. I need to just be. After I thump my chest like an ape and fuck your pussy inside out. This was before that part kicked in. And I try to tell him, I'm just going to go up to the mountains and be by myself. Oh, do you need a ride up there? I'll give you a ride up there.

No, I don't need a ride up there. I want to be by myself. I'm just going to go to the backyard and hang out by myself. So I go to the backyard, and then I realized my wife was taking a shower and stuff and getting ready for her day. And I'm in the backyard for about 45 minutes, 30, 45 minutes while this kicks in, trying to build a chicken coop, knowing there's not going to be any way I build a chicken coop. And I was like, oh, I fucking just left that dude here, you know, that kid here. He's a good kid.

But I'm like, it was rude. You know, I should go back in and make sure, you know, Jenny's not stuck with him. I go in. He's just hanging out in my front yard. So I go outside and I go, whoa, you scared me. I thought you already went home. Still didn't work. No, sorry. I go outside and I go, whoa, you scared me. I thought you already went home. Still didn't work.

No, sorry. I go inside. So for like another 30, 45 minutes. So my trip started off really fucking bad. You should have had a build-a-chicken coop for you. Because I didn't know that. Kenny, don't think I didn't think of it, sir, except for what made it weirder was that his wife and kid were just sitting in the car while he stood in my front yard.

So I'm like, I don't know how to deal with this. I thought honesty would be the best policy. I thought I could nip it right in the bud. And now I'm too far gone to deal with this in any sort of rational way. and now I'm too far gone to deal with this in any sort of rational way. And that was whenever Jenny could see that I was thinking mostly in symbols at that time. And it was the beginning of a mushroom cloud and a thermometer with the mercury rocketing towards the top so fast that there was no way that it wasn't gonna bust out and i'm like oh this is not bad this is just a metaphor for when i'm about

to fucking go bad and that's whenever uh jenny tried to calm me down by uh giving me a uh a nice hug and kiss and six pounds of beef jer jerk shit changed immediately then i went from fucking you're a monster yeah yeah i was no longer mushroom clouds thermostats it was boners and pinwheels yeah amen so this is why chad shank will be uh accompanying us uh to uh a Ari Shaffir's show. We film on May 22nd somewhere in L.A. I don't know anything else other than I'm flying Chad Shank out to be with me and Bingo on that weekend. It's a Sunday night, I believe. And, yeah, if you see him at the Comedy Store, maybe on Saturday night.

I don't know what my Saturday schedule is for press. But, yeah, you'll know them. Actually, I just found out today Tracy and I are going to be in L.A. at the Bretchells that weekend. No shit. It's going to be the podcast in L.A. on that weekend of the 21st, 22nd. I might be there. Oh, Deb Stocks from theshadydell.com.

My stalker. Worst possible stalker yep give her your name address social security number she won't follow up she's got other shit to do worst stalker ever and if she does fuck with you for some reason and uh steal your credit you know what go? Go to foolforaclient.com to get a restraining order against Stalker Deb. She's not within 100 yards anyway. She's got a bad back. She doesn't travel that far. We have our two mayoral candidates.

Hello. Howdy. Kenny for mayor. Derek for mayor. Howdy. Kenny for mayor. Derek for mayor. How's everybody doing this evening? We're doing pretty good. How are you guys doing? I'm a little tired myself.

I'm fucked up on one shot of that whiskey coffee shit. Flicker bean. It's like cough syrup for adults, but bad. By fucked up, you mean nauseous. Me too. Yeah, that's what I mean. Again, I back Kenny for mayor so far in the race, and Chad Shank backs coughing Derek.

The voting results would show that accordingly. We just lost 26%. 74%, I think it was. So you're saying that it was fixed. I'm just saying there's such a thing as Bisbee Illuminati. Once one of the largest employers in the city of Bisbee gets involved in backing a mayoral candidate, I mean, it's hard to agree with that. I will defer.

I employ both of these gentlemen equally. Agreed. Separate but equal. Amongst many others. If I may, I can look back in my notes, and I can see that Reverend Derrick Vermeer on Twitter, that's D-E-R-R-I-C-K, four, number four, mayor. So you guys know it's not one R as he spells it. Derek misspelled his own name, Alex.

That's why. He misspelled his own name. He slurred through. I might just be looking for some anonymity. D-E-R-R-I-C-K. There's some anonymity. D-E-R-I-C-K. So now it's a serious, now that the other candidates have drifted off into the ether and the farmer's market.

Yeah, that's why Derek couldn't get any signatures because they all signed Earthlies. Where are we on signatures? I've got almost half of mine. What's half? What do you have? Almost 50. You need 102. I don't have my clipboard with me.

And Derek, how many do you have? A dozen. Dirty dozen. Dirty dozen. It's harder than it sounds to just get people to get up in the morning. Well, to find a registered Bisbee voter, somebody that's gone through trouble to find a registered bisbee voter somebody that's gone through trouble to be a voter in bisbee they're a little slim on numbers and uh

you know when you approach people they're most of them are from somewhere else like the farmer's market everybody's from somewhere else so you went to the farmer's market why do you think that kenny has almost five times the signatures that because he. Because he works in a bar, sorry, and he collects all the signatures of the old guys. I work at 7 o'clock in the morning to 9.30 in the morning, so there is not a damn soul going around at that bar at that time. I get my signatures because I stomp the concrete jungle of historic old Bisbee, which is number one, by the

way, in USA Today poll. He's good. He's good. That, what was I saying? You stomped the fucking whiskey. Yeah, I stomped the mud hole in that, and you know, damn that

fucking whiskey was not good. So what is Derek doing differently? Well, I go to his house and I do two bongs with him so I make sure he doesn't get out of the house for the rest of the day. I love him to death, but he smoked all of my damn gift that I got from one of my campaign constituents. Thank you, sir. I don't know.

Yeah. Go off paper. I'm okay. No, I am off paper yeah go off paper I'm okay no I am off paper way off paper Derek why do you think you're lagging behind in this mayoral debate in this mayoral race why do you have so fewer signatures it's a little more difficult for me

to get out and walk the streets and talk to people. I'm usually exhausted by 11 o'clock in the morning just from... Fucking your wife? No, she's busy working in the office. Derek, why do you think you're lagging behind in signatures? You only need 102 signatures. You're one-fifth of kenny basically

what do you think the problem is be honest sir good answer derrick derrick okay i'll tell the truth i'll tell the truth derrick when i was asked by a couple people to mayor, I said, I really don't want to do anything. I have a lot of other shit to do. And they said, we'll help you get signatures. And I haven't received much of any help. A little bit from Deborah Stocks has helped me get some signatures. But otherwise, you know what?

Who are those other people? TheShadyDell.com helped you get signatures. I was only going to run if I could get some help getting signatures because I don't really have the energy to go out. I have to take care of my dishes and my laundry. If I'm getting signatures and I get home and I can't do my laundry because I'm too worn out, I'm just kind of screwed. It's really difficult here in the Derek camp to push through the apathy.

When you see how Derek dresses, you understand laundry is very important. That thrift store Arizona Wildcats t-shirt and the dollar store baggy sweatpants with no underwear, so you see his dong flipping back and forth as he limps. Yes, laundry is definitely important. I feel like we're coming off poorly in this podcast.

This should definitely need to... I think we should discuss... It's never been brought up. The number of signatures, because if they don't reach the 102 signatures to be on the ballot for Mayor Bisbee, the number of signatures will determine who is mayor of the Funhouse.

And I don't think we've discussed that enough. Well, because we're making up the rules of Bisbee, the number of signatures will determine who is mayor of the Funhouse. And I don't think we've discussed that enough. Well, because we're making up the rules as we go. But we do have a private page for the people that come to the Funhouse for football, the football fanatics. So if they don't get on the ballot, we'll have a football fanatics vote on that private Facebook page. Well, that's all 50 of Kenny's signatures so far. No, no, no, it's not. No, it's not.

It is not. I beg to differ. It will be a contended convention where anyone can win. I've watched you get 35 at this bar. So? They're not all fanatics. The same people. No.

Chad, he gets those signatures from people, and then he tells them they can't sign for both of us. No. He gets their signature, and then he's like, oh, they're like, oh, I'll sign for Derek, too. But that's okay. You're too busy cleaning car parts to get signatures. It's not my fault.

I'm sorry, sir. It's laundry. It's my fault, young man. Because I don't sit in my car in a pile of trash. But my car's clean. I cleaned it yesterday, so you know. Because I had to take people to pool league, and then... Oh, because other people had to ride in it.

But yeah, but hey, I cleaned it. I even picked up all the marbles that I lost the other day. Kenny, I even picked up all the marbles. Great slogan. I would like to thank a few people for the votes that you guys put in for me in the voting for Historic Bisbee number one. Who's going to get the credit? I would not like to take all this credit because I am not responsible, if I may. Go ahead, sir.

No, no, you are responsible, and that's why we had the voting. No, no, you are responsible, and that's why we had the voting. And when the only fucking newspaper that picked this up, I have to talk to Jen Luria about how to write a press release because Arizona Daily Star and the fucking Tucson Phoenix papers, every fucking Arizona paper should have picked up, hey, we made the number one, and Arizona City was number one, but only the SV Herald. And when they called me for a quote, she goes, I talked to Jen from the Bisbee Tourism Department, prime minister, and she gave all the credit to the killer termites. And I said, well, I would have to balk at that.

Kenny for mayor was a pivotal part of that. It was his. And she goes, I'm not printing that. Mayor Ron Early would never make eye contact with me if I printed that. All right. At least you're playing a little bit. Yep. It's a big part of a beat. The Bisbee Observer, who we

pimp regularly, didn't say anything about it? Well, timing is everything with the Observer, so we'll see tomorrow. Oh, they only come out once every couple weeks, I guess. Once a week. Maybe we can call the police beat. I know people from the Observer. It's a crime!

What I'm getting back to, Derek... Some killer termites were buzzing around my window. Derek Vermeer was ripped off right in front of my eyes! Derek, this is what we're trying to get back to, Derek won a superdelegate last night that has not yet aired in some nine-year-old girl. What? On the podcast.

Perhaps a small relative to Officer Bob Friendly was here at the Fun House, and she was forced on a split screen to decide which one of the two leading mayoral candidates she would want for mayor of Bisbee. Now, she stared at this screen, split screen of Derek and Kenny for mayor, and she said, neither one. Repeatedly, very precocious girl. Smart girl. Undecided to a fault. And then Tracy jumped in and and said which one's the worst and then she looked at both of your faces to decide which one's the worst person

and she said kenny is the worst so that is a super delegate rightly Rightly so. Who can't vote. Committed. Super delegate who cannot sign your paperwork. I've never met, and I do not know, and I have an alibi. I have pictures of Derek with a baby on Monday night, so you folks know. Yeah, you kiss a baby. You kiss a nine-year-old. You did, and the baby ran. I watched. I have proof.

I will show it later. Was this in one of your concentration parks? No this was in a bar Coerced Hey Doug I was on the other side Of the computer screen and I could see Where she was looking the whole time I don't think she ever looked at Derek

Wait wait wait This is bullshit Listen she could not get her eyes I don't know if it was the color you were wearing or what was going on, but it was like she was looking at a mugshot. I do want to say, Kristen, Kenny's girlfriend shoved a baby in my face, and I think she said at that moment, get that shitty, vomity thing we all just got over,

and she shoved that kid in my face. No, that's not it. Are you claiming that there's biological warfare occurring in the Kenny versus Derek premiere? We were trying to... Damn it. A random fan... I fucking hate that word,

but a random... Listener, audience member came down and didn't bust my balls, but he showed up. David Bernal. I think he was on, actually, while we were taping the last podcast. Oh, yeah, that was cool. Yeah, he's cool as shit. The next day, he's going to leave.

They drove down with a kid from Las Vegas, which is like 12 hours or fucking nine hours or some long term event try to stay at the shady dell two days with the kid about the shady dell.com is they do not allow children in their park and that's why i will live there fuck kids soon to be shady dell retirement motto of the shady bell hang on hang on he said uh he left the next morning after the last podcast he left the next morning from the copper queen his wife who he did not leave in the car she was cool too very cool they they drove all the way four hours to phoenix and then realized she left her teddy bear that she's had for 30 years since she was a kid like linus with his blanket and they had they drove all the way back four hours the opposite way so eight hours he's like hey can you help me out no you wouldn't

because the copper queen they called them and they wouldn't help out he came back fucking four hours each way eight hours round trip and just to go because she was so distraught she sat in i i called i go hey this is doug stan, hoping someone might recognize my name when they answered. You could tell they didn't. I go, hey, I have a crying woman in my house right now because they called to ask if you found a teddy bear and you wouldn't help them. And it means a lot to them. And they're going to come by. Well, I can't let anyone into the room right now

because the room's taken. I'm like, you'd assume the fucking housekeeping would notice this awkward 30-year-old filthy fucking teddy bear and clean that up. I thought it was a ghost. We can sell it as a ghost. We'll get to that or they would set it up in the corner

as furniture this is a question ghost tours queen mine we'll circle back to that I just want to go on record and say I like all of you a lot less for caring at all about this

she was bawling this is an adult our age. Yeah. What a laugh, dad. Yeah. I wouldn't. But I would have wanted to. He's getting to the picture part. I don't have an alibi for the teddy bear.

What happened is they went back to the Copper Queen after this drive all the way backwards and just take him out. Take him out, Nigel. Copper Queen, after this drive all the way backwards. And just take him out. Take him out, Nigel. Shoot him. He looked like a bouncer. He did wake me up at 8 in the morning to go get merch.

So they were up early. They've been driving all day and all the way back. And then we were back here in the fun house when they were actually in the hotel room. And then they had to leave, come all the way back. They go to the Copper Queen. She has to sit because housekeeping is gone. They allowed her into the basement where they have bags of laundry. She went through dozens of giant bags of cum-stained towels.

cum-stained towels, and it was literally the last bag that they went to where they found her teddy bear wrapped up in sheets. She was fucking bawling. They've been tweeting me pictures. It was the last bag there was, or the last bag

they went to? I was going to say, of course it's the last bag they went to. Are they going to keep fucking looking after they found it? Well, what else is in there? Might be a wallet or a purse. Depends on what you found in all the other bags. It might be worth it.

So the chambermaid wrapped it, like just grabbed all the sheets. Fuck it. And that will segue somehow into big news in Bisbee. Old Bisbee really does need a functional hotel. The Copper Queen, the majestic hotel from days of yore is still there, but it's creepy. You can hear people creak walking down the old wooden plank hallway. It's a ghost. It's like the Congress in Tucson.

Yeah, it's cute. But when we have people here, we're filming a fucking pilot with fucking Nile. They need a business center. No, you have a ghost tour. No, we need a fax shit or something. They need a business center. No, you have a ghost tour. No, we need a fax shit or something. We need internet. Well, we have a ghost tour. No, we...

The authentic copper lines that run to this hotel don't carry the internets. So, it's big news in Bisbee. Someone is trying to build a corporate hotel in Old Bisbee. Historic Old Bisbee that would definitely ruin the landscape.

How do the mayoral candidates Hey, do you want to flip a flip a beer mat? It's a Doug Stanhope celebrity death pool. Heads. Heads it is. Heads it is.

Kenny, how do you feel about this? Whoever owns that parking lot across from the Lyric Theater wants to build a fucking holiday in Express. How do you feel about that? Thanks again, Doug, for the question. And about the building of the hotel at the parking lot, I'd typically convey that shit because I work at a local hotel, and I think it would hurt the business for the local historic downtown business,

the old-timers that have been here forever. If we could play trailer for sale or rent behind his trailer for sale or rent. Yeah, the historic hotels that we have. We do have creaky floors, and you can hear everything that goes on. Kenny's livelihood does depend on this. I'm a man of means by no means. Go ahead, Kenny. King of the road.

King of the road. King of the road. Yes. So what you're saying is like you'd wait till the afternoon. You would blow it up like when people are occupied. You wait for the building. No, no, I don't think I would do that. It's not very nice. So you wouldn't be a job creator by having people.

So you're letting your personal. I would actually just interfere with watch as the good of the city. your personal politics interfere with the good of the city. I would watch as the ground underneath it, due to the tunnels of mining that has gone on in this town for a hundred years that's still going on that not even the

company of the mine knows about, it would just cave in as soon as it got built. You know, the parking, I've already seen a bulldozer in the gulch go in and I don't even know where i'm going with this but derrick derrick rebuttal you can't get a burrito in this town or a dinner on a monday so this shit ain't happening go to the right place i got a burrito on monday he knows

it's going to happen because he's he's in the hotel industry and he's really familiar with what's going to happen how is he in the hotel industry, and he's really familiar with what's going to happen. How is he in the hotel industry? Well, the place he works is a hotel and a bar. But it personally affects him, so he has all incentive to keep it from coming here. But either way... So he's wearing the Goldman Sachs jacket of the Grand Hotel that he cleans up just stained sheets on 7 a.m. rotations.

I just sweep the floor with the popcorn and the peanuts and the shells. He suckles off of the teat of the grand. All right. That's better than the government, sir. So to clarify, Derek, your stance on a Holiday Inn Express in historic Old Bisbee, yay or nay? Yay. We all saw what happened to the Holiday Express in historic Old Bisbee. Yay or nay? Yay. We all saw what happened to the Holiday Express

in Tombstone. It's now a Tombstone Express. They make pizzas? My idea was to make a Holiday Inn Express. Oh, geez. That was good. If you made the same good hotel with a business center for people who want to do business here, but named it with a historic sign, stupid corporate-owned name-brand hotel,

but the rooms are all just like you want them. They have pressed linen and the floors don't creak. No teddy bears. Well, it's counterproductive to claim that you want people to come here with money and then not provide amenities for people that have money. I totally forgot the 37 reasons we should get an outside hotel in this town. I can only take the top three. Go ahead.

Well, the ones you pointed out to me were very legitimate. I have things to do that involve technology like filming, and I need to fax some things. And Kenny, his hotel goes backwards in time every year. We have wireless internet. It works. And you shit in a crate. That's a router that's not hooked up to the internet.

That's a different room. It's all about the shitters. It's wireless. It's not that's that's a different room about the shitters it's wireless it's not connected we have switched those rooms you do not you have to use the bathroom down the hall anymore it's now one suite anyways all right uh we we talked about uh now kenny says uh right now the tourism is abysmal in bisbee. We have the Queen Mine Tour. It's where you go down into a mining shaft, down to 4,500 feet below the mountain, and it's freezing and it's claustrophobic,

and that's our number one thing you can do here. You've already talked about building a zipline tour over the Lavender Pit being the tallest zipline tour in America. Highest. Highest, tallest. Here at Derek for Mayor, we prefer the term highest. Well, we prefer tallest. Tallest.

Highest. At highest, you can keep digging down. We can get higher. At tallest, it's just from the platform up. You can keep going up. Have you ever heard of satellites, faggot? I've never been the tallest. I've always been high.

I've been high and tall, so. All right, so you've talked about that, but now that the Queen Mind Tour is already in play, you want to rename it, because we do have an alternative lifestyle community here. You, Kenny, want to name it. Wait, no, this goes to derrick derrick you want to name it the glory hole you want to change the name from queen mine to glory hole to be a little

bit more on the nose the glory hole mine tour where kenny wants to name it the Open Man Hole Tour. I actually have a different name. I wanted to call it the Glory Hole Tour brought to you by Radon. Can you explain that joke for the listener? Yeah. There's a problem with the Queen Mine Tour that once you go in it, you could be poisoned. You're exposed to levels of radon.

Yeah. That problem's been fixed. That's no longer a problem. Just now, Chad, your campaign manager, got a tweet. Right when I thought I was on, I was totally, yeah, skip that thing. Kenny says open manhole is the way to go. That's now why I know the city pool will not be opening this year, because that's where they're transferring all those negative chemicals to.

Damn it. Anyways, open manhole just sounds better than glory hole. Glory hole sounds so glorified. It's just something we're not looking for here in Bisbee. What, they expect to go in and get a blow job as they're going in to find out about the history of our mines? Or give one, to be fair. Or, yeah, you're right. It is up close and personal on that cart.

You might as well make it fun. Well, Derek says that the problem with open manhole is that it says open, so people, when it's closed, will think that it's open and vandalize it. Are they stupid? Well, Glory Hole has name recognition in Bisbee already, so I figured if you Google Bisbee Glory Hole, you're already going to find at least three or four links to something. But I've never heard of Google.

I have Googled Glory Hole in Bisbee, and I could not find one. Well, you found one. He's looking all over. He's a tweaker. He's an extra tweaker. Of course, he's Googled a lot of things. Were you looking for something to do or a job? That was eight years ago, and I will not discuss this at this time.

All right. Hey, maybe both. Quick question. We're going to close this out. We know. You both agree. Quick question. We're going to close this out.

We know. You both agree. Again, you seem to have the separate but equal campaign platforms. You both agree that Bisbee Airport should be open to commercial international flights daily to bring in tourists. So which airline do you prefer and why? Well, I'm going to have to say in tourists. So which airline do you prefer and why? Well, I'm going to have to say, Doug, I'm going to go with Delta Airlines. You know... I'm a fan, huge fan.

Diamond Medallion. Bandwagon. We're all real surprised about Kenny Vermeer's pick. Wow. Kenny, have you ever flown on Delta once? Yeah, at least twice. Not officially, at least. At least twice.

I'm not going to talk about that either at this time. Was there an incident? It does relate to the glory hole. Trying to keep stuff out of the press. That was his last glory hole job. Look, look. I'm just going to say here that I would go back to this mining thing, this mine hole, whatever you guys want to call it.

Mine hole? Glory hole. You can't land a plane in a mine. Glory hole is what sticks in your head, doesn't it? You're going to land the plane so that they ride this extreme roller coaster instead of this slow cart. We're going to do this quickly. We're not going to make this a

two and a half hour freeze your ass off tour. We're going to make this a real tour where you're going to fly through this motherfucker and it's going to be fun. You're going to drop your kids off at the pool that is not existing and let them do what the fuck they want. It's called the free range concentration camp for

kids located at Now Derek range concentration camp for kids located at Now, Derek, you say Malaysia Airlines. A host of several lost or crashed flights. What the? Well, you know I'm a huge fan. I spent a lot of time

on your couch watching the coverage of Flight 370. I still find recordings on your damn DVR. I'm fascinated by Malaysia Airlines because they successfully started and run an airline, but run some of the stuff. That's a business you can't run into the ground. No.

I just think you agree with this business because it's easy for you to get your illegal stuff onto the planes and into the United States from other countries. I think what Derek is saying is he wants to make Bisbee the new Bermuda Triangle of airlines. Oh, man. If we can get a third, that's what a triangle is. We'll be on top for about two weeks. As soon as the first flight comes in, it'll be over because that'll disappear. Malaysia Airlines, it's hard to lose a plane in Bisbee.

That's our slogan, working slogan. Lose yourself in Bisbee. That's how we all wind up here. I couldn't even keep a plane on the tarmac In a gorilla suit Let alone keep one in town Just looking at the people I want to start small

And get the dude that flies here from Tucson To start ferrying people And we'll call it Stanhope Airlines Hopefully Alright, are you ready to take a final question From an actual journalist From the LA Times Nigel duara is here to write a story he keeps finding reasons to write stories in bisbee arizona nigel duara that's at

nigel d-u-a-r-a no come over here come over come around here. Oh, never mind. Confuse the man a little bit. So he's here on an actual story that's going on in Bisbee, and he wants to run this past you as mayoral candidates. And as I say that, I realize that they are just as good as anyone that's running for mayor in Bisbee. Well, gentlemen, first of all, thank you so much for your civic involvement. You are the stay on the mic. You are the future of this country. I the main thing I want to say is is Trump so far has said that if people if he is challenged in the Constitutional Convention,

that he can't guarantee that there won't be violence. Can you guys both volunteer right now? Can you say that if you lose, you're not going to incite violence? You're not going to be calling for bloodshed in the streets? Would you like to answer that question first, Derek? Sure, man. This campaign's been pretty mud dragging. Kenny's really been talking a lot of shit around me in town to get these signatures.

He doesn't say anything nice, at least. But, you know, the violence in Bisbee is at an all-time high. And we can't find people to come down here and be police because you have to be a little too friendly for the West. You know what I mean? Like, most cops are real strict, and we need more cops in this town that really understand what Bisbee's about. But I... I forgot what we were talking about.

We're talking about... Will you not incite violence? Will you or will you not have your constituents incite violence against the opposition? Oh, well, Chad Shank is on my side, so I don't have to myself. I already have somebody who's going to. So just to clarify.

You're asking me personally? No, me, I don't have to do anything. There's some crazy psychopath on my team that's going to work that out. Feel free to defer all questions of violence to me if you need to, Derek. Why are you asking me that? Kenny, so you. You know, I have a history of being drunk and violent, or violently stupid.

And losing. Losing and winning. I will say winning sometimes, mostly losing. So you're against violence. No, I'm really not against violence, but if I lose, I got my people, and my people will stand up for the rights of whatever it is for this city.

I don't care if it's the pool, the mines. Hey, Kenny, Your people are me. Oh, yes. So you're against violence. Oh. Because I'm bad at it. Oh, yeah. And you know.

No, keep going, Kenny. Bring on your violent people. But my violent people just went to sleep. Name them right now. And where are the other friends? I don't even have any friends, so you guys know. I'm really with you. You're against violence.

You're a pacifist. I got it. You're like Bernie Sanders. I got it. I was lying when I said that, just trying to look tough for you people out there. Misrepresented. And, yeah, I was misrepresented because I really did think Chad Shank was on my side in the beginning of this. And now that I look at him, I'm shaking. And I'm worried that if I do start winning

in these polls on Twitter and on Facebook... Which you've been killing at! Yes, I'll save that for later. That's before the flip-floppers. Bring on the flip-floppers. Plug my book. I will. I will in my thank you, sir. I have a thank you written. Ever since I read

Digging Up Mother, I have a new outlook got this i got this i gotta write read it okay as i am against violence so you guys know because doug stanhope couldn't stand five seconds in a ring with anybody and i don't want to see that happen to him or me because i would try to protect him with my life and i'd probably lose my life he'd lose his and so on and so forth so that's why know, we're not against this violent stuff. So guys, don't get violent if I lose because I might lose the way it's looking on this debate in this podcast.

I'm getting scared looking at chat. Nigel Duaro, you had what you're down here to cover. Sure. Yeah. Well, I'm down here to cover the issue of these young Mexican boys and girls being charged as adults in drug trafficking court. They come across the border, they pick up the bales of marijuana, and they get caught. And that has stressed the system. It's costing taxpayers a bunch of money. I just got to know where you guys fall on this.

May I take this question first? Yeah. okay now I'm around teenagers since there are four of them at my house and I understand the pressures that they have you know coming from Naco coming from Bisbee coming from San Jose all these little ghettos or neighborhoods you want to call them in our

in our town that are number one best historic ghettos in America according to the USA Today we are lacking some jobs and some kids are trying to just get ahead you know maybe pay for school or do something or they just don't think before they act. And the justice system is taking advantage of that. Yes, they are charging them as adults and locking them up as adults with adults, making them into monsters instead of, hey, you fucked up.

It's fucked up. Yeah's... Fucked up. Yeah, that's it. Learn your lesson. We'll take it from there. Go to high school. Finish your shit. Derek, what do you say about this that's cogent? I'm not sure where Nigel was going with it.

He was just basically instructing kids to cross the border with drugs, as far as I could tell. Nigel, go ahead. Sir, just to reiterate, this is a question based on current policy. If they're coming across the border... You're just informing them about it. When I see on the news, they're like... Let him finish, sir.

I'm going to have to shut you down. Let Mr. Duara finish. I really need a better... I need a full question. You're not mr question i know you can't spell your own name but duara is not even close so mr duara finish your question for the candidate derrick for mayor kids charged as adult is good or is it bad? No, that's you, Derek.

Oh, well, I mean, all right. Wait, clarify, clarify. These are kids from Mexico, not U.S. citizen kids, as Kenny was implying that he thought it was in his response. These are not kids from Bisbee. implying that he thought it was in his response. These are not kids from Bisbee. These are poor kids from Mexico who come across with drugs.

Mewling drugs. Mewling drugs being charged as adults. Possibly at gunpoint. Again, not speaking the language, not understanding the U.S. judicial system, maybe not understanding the Mexican judicial system. And then they're being asked, they're presented with stuff like indictments and saying, how do you plead?

So as somebody who would be an important figure in Cochise County, I mean, what's your reaction on this? We need a reliable way to get drugs into this country. I don't care if it's teenagers or carrier pigeons or drones. Actually, you know, we can still keep these teenagers employed

because it's actually probably really good money, but drones are the way to go. The future of this market, you can't carry people across the border with drones, but you can carry all the drugs you want all day in a little drone highway all day, every day, all night. Drones are the way to go. Keep employing these kids, but they're going to lose their jobs.

And if you shoot these kids, they're going to be unemployed. And if someone is caught at the border, a juvenile caught at the border, doesn't speak the language, has drugs on them, forced to be a mule, and they're arrested on this side of the border. If he's a juvenile, why doesn't he have a drone? What's that? If he's a juvenile, why doesn't he have a drone? He lives in poor Mexico.

How can he afford a drone? My point being to Chad Shank, if you are finding yourself in this position where you are arrested without speaking the language, just like Midnight Express, what are you going to do as a child? Who do you turn to for legal advice? We turn to foolforaclient.com. That's right. You don't have to speak English just fill in the blanks fool for a client dot com this podcast brought to you by fool for a client dot com

fuck legalism go to fool for a client and just download a lot of legalese and just fill in the blanks thank you that's a podcast please go to at Derek for mayor with two R's and I C K go to Kenny for mayor

with a four and a D yeah, that's their shit. Nigel Duara from the LA times demeaning himself to be on this podcast at Nigel N I G E L D U-A at HD Fatty for Chad Shank. Alex O'Meara. Alex O'Meara. You got that one? AlexO'Meara.com.

It's O-M-E-A-R-A and Greg Chaley at G-R-E-G Greg Chaley. C-H-I-L-L-A. I'll leave it. May I say my thanks? That was a Derek spelling. May I say my thanks? May I say my thanks, please, for the closing statements for the Monday Nights? I'm sorry, we're out of time.

We're up against a national... Perhaps next time. We'll slowly play music over your closing. We'll put something under it. Ready? Hey, Kenny, you have to do it beat time. I'd like to thank the historic downtown business district for being historic and keeping it real hold. The killer termites for handling home the votes.

Donald Trump for making me look like I know what I'm doing. Donald Trump for making me look like I know what I'm doing. Doug's book, which was inspired me to do to dig a little deeper and not for mother. You sickos. We will digging up mother rock you on sale next week. Get it, read it,

love it. I did. Now I'm running for mayor. Thanks. You guys are mean. We're giving you a background. I was trying. Oh, wait, wait, we get to close out this on. Are we done? You guys are mean. We're giving you a background. Bobby K. I was trying to get it. Oh, wait, wait.

We got to close out this on. Are we done? Trying to plug your butt. No, you got to close this out on the song. Oh, no, hold on. The 2CB song. Stop, stop. All right, stop.

All May merch orders will receive Bisbee for Mayor bumper stickers. That's it. That's it? That's it? That's it. Well, no. What do you have for Mayor? Well, actually, we have Kenny for Mayor bumper stickers. We don't have Derek for Mayor yet, so I had to say Bisbee for Mayor.

Hang on. Actually, Bisbee isn't for Mayor. Everyone hold on. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Mayor for Bisbee. Hey, wait, wait, wait. Wait, this whole thing is wrong. Shut up before I lose my thought.

Update. Hey, you can buy Doug Stanhope's Digging Up Mother at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, or right here at DougStanhope.com. However you like it. It doesn't make a difference to us. Just make it a show up on a the fucking bestseller list somewhere i'm drunk i gotta go all right we have to close this podcast with chad shank who's closing the podcast out out the uh uh oh my weed guru jason wanted the closing song from idea and abilities exhausted love play the fucking thing the hell with the kind of work you have to do to earn a living

all it does is fill the bellies of the pigs who exploit us look at me i'm making it i may live badly but at least i don't have to work to do it To all you workers out there Every single commodity you produce Is a piece of your own debt End of interview I'm so goddamn tired Can't tell if I'm done or just uninspired

And don't give me that You can be somebody's beast That ain't your place, let me be I'm an example of a candlelit life with electric relaxation Brain trampled by devotion to remote control channel changing Something provoked the whole globe to lower expectations Damn, what's wrong with my generation? We was the cream of the crop, but it seems we've been robbed

That's what happens when you trade in all your dreams for a job. And every day it gets less and less exciting. I would make a difference, but I'm busy faking this. Instead of trying, change my shit for now to never, and I'll pretend I'm fine. Why am I always stuck at the shitty end of the assembly line? I guess I'm built to be intoxicated with hope. Sometimes it's a journey, most of the time it's just a bad joke. And in my skull's a junk drawer, I can't organize. The first to come and last to leave will never be immortalized. Thank you. half a bottle of prednisone that's the reaction to an overdose of passion brainless, stagnant

ain't it magic Thank you. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Whatever I think about tomorrow, I hesitate to say Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit Whatever I think about tomorrow, I hesitate to say Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit I never knew ambition could be so fucking disgusting I earn a good commission but it makes me feel so ugly I'm on some not even knowing, I'm an illuminatis Just as long as playing agent agent Don't disrupt my funeral progress

I ain't changing for you I ain't reaching for the sky I would if you could give me one good reason Why I should even try Cause after a while there's never ending Lame game of what's better Conflaction, your smile's mainframe forever It's so fun to be in love, that's so I've heard

The meaning has no feeling Even though I understand the words I used to try to make heaven right here on earth But that'll only happen if you find someone else to do the work. I'd be surprised if my psychosis turns out to keep the driving focus while I hold the same blurred cloud as burnt out dope heads. So for now, my worthless counter work has found a purpose. Every time a pound of dirt's produced, I get my frown refurbished. Two for one specials if you order, show the devils. swole, running out of petrol But I won't let go of this gas pedal

Till I'm settled and they finally wet me With that sweet blind security, so insecure and messy Mark today the day that dedication died Instead of saying goodbye, I'm staying Praying that I'll stay alive Cause even though I know I hate to love you so much I got no better place to go That's why I always show up And

Show up I got to know it I want to go And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up And Show up Oh, my God. Yes, yes, yes. You're getting a divorce. Well, I'm getting separated, and I probably won't be around if the divorce is still next year.

Well, look, I mean, I know it's none of my business, but why? You're married to one of the great women of the world who adores you. My God, if anybody has made you happy. She insists she's in love with me, whatever that is. What she means is she prefers the senseless pain we inflict on each other to the pain we would otherwise inflict on ourselves. But I'm not afraid of that solitary pain. In fact, if I don't strip myself of all this clatter and clutter and ridiculous ritual, I shall go out of my fucking mind. Does that answer your question?

What question was that? You asked me why I was getting divorced. Oh, listen, it's your life. I'm sorry I even asked. Hi, I'm Chad Shank. I'm the sultry... No, I didn't have nothing. The last thing I said was dumb. Fuck. I'm fucked.