The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #140: Stanhope back from LA, Chad back from the brink

Episode Date: May 16, 2016

Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.com  Stanhope returns from Los Angeles and Chad Shank is back from the brink. Also, the Police Beat with Chad Shank.Recorded May 13, 2016 in the Funhouse Studio in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Number Juan Tequila - http://numberjuantequila.com/   The Bert Kreischer vLog – Periscope - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czq1t38jF1M   Bert's Kid – Mystery Basket Periscope - https://t.co/u4ogTj8QVo   Tucson Saquaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Shady Dell Trailer Resort - http://www.theshadydell.com/   Closing song, "Mockingbird Hill", by Les Paul and Mary Ford. Available on iTunes. Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comDoug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Rolling. And this is the sound of us opening the podcast with the foul flavor of the remnants of a bottle of flicker bean. Which, uh... That was real, too. Somebody sent that and we dived into it, I don't know if it was the last podcast or the one before. The one where Tracy over-served everyone. We were drunk in the middle of the podcast. Like, starting from two drinks into drunk by the second break.

And then we, let's try the Flickr bean. It's got coffee in it. Get caffeine. And no one remembers the rest of that. It's the same sales pitch you used right now, and I felt it. No, I said, well, it's only sucked because it was hot. So we put it in the freezer. Now we just finished it up with a round of shots.

And as Chaley said, that's the first time a bottle of Flicker Bean has ever been finished in a bar. Hey, who do we call for more? No one. That was a little dance. That was fucking making me shiver. It's disgusting. It's like whiskey will bloom in your chest.

This just coffee bloomed across the roof of my mouth. It won't go away. Yeah, it's a quiet taste. Hey, we're back with Chad Shank and Greg Chaley and Mrs. Traley. Tracy is here and Floyd is relaxing. And Mayor Kenny, scratch and scratch tickets. And Derek's off on the phone with his lost love who went back for vacation. phone with his lost love who went back for vacation.

What are your bets on whether Derek's wife comes back? Is this a false flag vacation? Did she pack in a U-Haul? He wasn't invited on this vacation. He has been on previous ones. Bingo Bingaman just walked into the room, and she's got a cat theme going on. She's wearing tights. The dog's smelling your cheeseburger. There's a quarter pounder in her crotch

and cats clawing at it on her legs. And then she's... Did you make that shirt? Tell us. You have cats playing bingo on your flash dance self cut t-shirt

you have turquoise burns from the dye stuck to your face and neck and knuckles are you punching yourself again why are you hitting yourself don't hit yourself is turquoise all over your knuckles? I don't even look.

Is the cat theme going to follow us on this book tour to New York and LA? I don't know. I think you'd fit in in New York. I have no idea what the weather's going to be. I just got back from

four days. A lot of days in Los Angeles, which are fucking fantastic to the point where the comedy store is so raging right now. I saw Rogan there on Tuesday night, and they're doing some weird show in the belly room, which is the smallest of the rooms, and they do a lot of fuck-off shows. Is that the one up front along the street? No, that's the original room. That's the original room. The main room is the big of the rooms. Is that the one up front along the street? No, that's the original room. The main room is the big one that we play.

And the belly room does all the weird shit like Kill Tony and experimental shit. How many seats? Probably 60, 70. So it's like Laughing Skull small. Yeah, but perfectly small.

The first thing I thought, it was packed to the fucking gills. Low ceiling? Not low, low, because they do have a riser, but low enough. When it's full, it's jamming. There's just electricity in there. And they were doing a show where people would just yell out topics. Okay, well, that's a stupid, and they would try to riff on it. Jackie Cation went up.

Fuck, who else? But Rogan was on it. I never spotted him for a guy that does those kind of shows, but he was fucking killing. He did 10 or 15 minutes of just shit. He was pulling out of his ass and i'm like wow hold on a second you are surprised that rogan can go up and just talk extemporaneously no no i he doesn't i i didn't know that he would do those kind of oh that he would show up i know he can riff yeah i

just thought he'd save it for his own fucking show. But he was having a blast. I really wanted to go up. I was hammered. But it really made me want to do comedy. He's like, you've got to fucking move here. Ron White was there. I didn't even know Ron White lived in LA. I thought he lived in Atlanta. He has places in both, but spends most of his time in LA.

Hold on a second. Don't you still kind of live in LA? No, no. Come on. No, I don't have a... The apartment is Brian's for years. But, I mean, you've got that connection. You can be there any time and have a place.

What, stay with Brian? Well, no. You have other friends. Hey, the dogs are getting a walk. Thanks, Bingy. But he's like, yeah, the comedy scene is bigger than it's ever been in our, you know, since we've been doing comedy and you got to move back. Ron White, we go to his house.

He calls up. He says, hey, what are you doing? I go, I got to do this. And I say, well, and I've drinking, and I got to go do this. He goes, well, if you need a nap, I'm doing a spot at the Comedy Store at 10. I go, yeah, that'll be better. He goes, I just got done playing golf. Let's go drinking.

This is like 2 in the afternoon. I go, I had a long liquid lunch with my publisher so i don't know he goes well if it's a better option i'm doing a spot at 10 at the comedy store we should get together and do some drinking i go if you need a nap i go yeah that sounds like a better option i'll see you 10 at 10. He goes, but the thing is, if you come to the comedy store, you have to promise to come to my house after my spot so we can do some drinking.

And he held me to it. So we go and he's got this fucking palace that makes Johnny Depp's place look like the compound. Blue collar money.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure a lot of it is mortgage money. That guy doesn't expect to live long, so I don't think he buys shit outright when he can do it on credit. Someone else will be paying for this. But, yes, and we're drinking his tequila. He has his own Number Juan one is that the brand name yeah i was looking for it today and it's not it's not in uh sierra vista so maybe it's not a real brand

yeah my book's not in a lot of places too someone tweeted me that they were calling christian bookstores asking if they carried my title yeah uh so yeah we stayed up we woke up his wife we were up that late just drinking his tequila because it really is a tequila you can sip which i've never had patron i can drink but as a shot yeah and we i don't know if that's all he had on purpose or if i was just too lazy or didn't want to be impolite. Yeah, you were being polite. Like, oh, of course, tequila's my drink. And I didn't want to try to find the shuttle bus

that got us from his patio to the kitchen where I could try to find my own. You should do that here. Just only have pop-off. Force everybody to only drink pop-off. Otherwise, you bring your own. We have a new system here. Tracy, show them the bottle.

There's your vodka. It's a color-coded glass. Yeah. So we can put anything in there. Yeah, it makes it easier or harder. You're drinking it now. I know. What did you want?

But we only put plastic jug in those fucking things right all right sure anyway i think it was three in the morning where ron white's wife woke up and was very cordial wasn't pissed off that we had woken her up just you know what time you know what time it is? Nope. And then I had to get up and go over to the production company to look at edits and just stinking. And then that led into another day. And that's when I saw Rogan and Ron White showed up again. Oh, that was the...

Okay, because I got confused with the Twitter timeline. I'm trying to piece it together. I'm guessing at this. Yeah. I think that's how it went. i know it was the next day there was a shot during the day where you were asleep on the dog bed rune's dog bed and i assume that that's when you took the nap and then you went to ron white later that night not sure oh okay no no no that's not that was the next so that was okay so so really it was groundhog day you did the

same thing two days in a row yeah there was a lot of but yeah rogan had me sold on not moving back to la but coming out i'm gonna have to go out there a lot now with all this shit going on the last night we went to that restaurant we go to to i meet with big giant agency people that sent like all their top agents all wearing all giant people wearing like thousand dollar suits in the back of this fucking restaurant where we get to take over the place and smoke cigarettes inside at dinner and uh they're all i go is this like i i go i feel like i'm being about to be woodshedded by a team of fucking lawyers about you know some giant case and at some point they i go well who else do you rep i'm talking to one guy that's chattable this is on the comedy side and And he goes, Steve ran as easy as one of the names he listed.

I go, oh, the 9-11. I was lied about being a 9-11 guy. And he's working. Somehow he overcame that. Publicist. And I go, how fucked up was that morning when that story came out? I go, this is exactly the legal team I expect you would have had assembled to figure out how do we overcome this PR nightmare. But they did it.

They picked up the tab. They put the right guy in front of you. If anyone could get you interested, it would be that guy, right? No, no, no. He's Ari's guy guys he had good names to drop not that i have anything against that guy but no that would definitely be something to hook you in i mean you had a question right and when the agency picks up johnny depp's tab you go all right i like you yeah so everything was positive it all business shit, book and pilot and the new special.

Hey, all right. I guess not everyone in the world listens to my podcast or you'd know this. Not yet. Not yet. Yes. The UK. I looked at some podcast ranking since the publisher got me into fucking checking my book ranking on amazon which changes hourly and i gotta stop looking at uh the uh uh the special the the uk version of

the book i believe we're self-published publishing as soon as possible. It's all I know. As soon as fucking Hennegan can get it done, we will be selling in the UK. A lot of you have tweeted me ways. You can get it quicker. Uh, evidently you can go to amazon.com instead of dot co dot UK and order it. Uh, I have no idea how quick to turn around before we're publishing, but if you want it quicker over in the UK, buy it. I have no idea how quick the turnaround before we're publishing,

but if you want it quicker over in the UK, buy it. Oh, well, you can buy a limited amount at Doug Stanhope.com. You don't have to write that down. You can interrupt me and say it. You're on a roll. Just tell me. I'm not on a roll. Don't pull back the curtain too far.

I'm talking really fast to make up for not knowing where I'm going. I'm going to eBay my copy of the book because I probably won't read it anyway. You got a copy? Yeah. I was going to sign one for you. Yeah. I ordered one. I pre-ordered it.

Oh, shit. Everyone in Bisbee is going to resell their personal copy that doug signed here's what i did and i don't know how to get uh away with uh figure this out without either hurting someone's feelings or just ignoring the problem because i don't even have it written on my list of things to do and didn't realize the lady there's one tiny bookstore here in the uh in the convention center they call it which is a building with five businesses in it that's across from the museum tables there the bisbee grill is there yeah i'm sorry the bisbee grill uh and she emailed me early on i said i don't know how any of this works but she will you do a signing and i went yeah of course like what am i gonna say no uh so then she emailed me again i

got five books and i go as soon as i'm done with this promo tour in new york and la uh do you have dates by the way we'll do it at the next after the break yeah it's like no nothing 18th and barnes and noble in new york and then fr Friday night following at Book Soup in LA. I'm doing signings, which are going to be awkward. I'm not doing readings because I read like... That would be great. If I could get fucking Bill Burr to come down and do readings of my book

because he's better at reading copy than I am. Can we get Junior to do Bill Burr? That's a lot cheaper. Oh, that's fucking funny. better at reading copy than I am. Can we get Junior to do Bill Burr? That's a lot of jukebox. Oh, that's fucking funny. Junior, stop. Hold on. Let me check his schedule. Oh, he's free. Adrian LeBlanc

is going to host the Q&A in New York. And Hennigan is going to do it. I go, hey, we could do this person or that person and this person. No, we should hold out for someone more like on the literary side rather than a comedian who draws the same type of people. Perhaps someone Scottish. And then, yeah, all of a sudden he put himself in.

He's going to be good at it. Oh, totally. He's funny, and he deserves it more than anything. You would have never suggested that, because you never would have thought he would say yes. But for him to show any interest, that's a sign of life. I might have suggested it. After the week we just had,

Hennigan was going toe-to-toe with me we're stumbling out of the after that big shot fucking suit dinner yeah we get out late and then we're driving back to the hotel which is right by the improv and i got everything shut down in my head 12 30 everything shut down on the tuesday in hollywood yeah and i go there's people there uber hit the brakes and then we got fucking hammered there i remember jeff ross was there can you back up what hotel were you at do you do you know it's called the pally hotel it's oh it's a fucking uber hipster weeping oh we don't have phones or clocks in your room we figure at this point everyone has a device and the fucking restaurant that's attached is never

open and when it is open it's for brunch and for breakfast they have five choices they had a slab of fucking bacon and eggs was the only normal thing one of the five choices was smoked trout with fennel seed

or something. They're all fucked up things like this. Wait, hold on a second. Mornings has a fantastic smoked trout with fennel seed, and I've seen you order it more than once. For breakfast. For breakfast. You're fucking

around, but when I said that to Hennigan, he goes, that's what I had last time I had? He wasn't kidding. I actually did a review on Yelp back when I used to do those. I should do those again because I had fun writing them. But it's the Heart and Hunter is the restaurant in L.A. that's part of the Pali hotel and i did write a review about fucking awful hipsters and being hung over there trying to i got the bacon and eggs and this

time in the evening the bacon it says thick cut bacon which yeah there's a difference when you order thick cut bacon in some diners. This was the slab of pork cut like an inch thick. So when I said well done, it still had, you just had to, if you can picture bacon, the part that would have been fat if it weren't crisp is fat. So you had to saw the ham out of the... It was the most foul, fucking disgusting... To you. ...fucked up bacon and eggs. To you, though.

This is something that was... The chef was probably disgusted that you said, well done, thick cut bacon. It can't be done. There's no way to well done, thick cut bacon, it can't be done. There's no way to well done cook People who pride themselves on lack of choices

and making it difficult. You didn't order the trout with fennel. I'll make them order bacon and eggs. Who is this guy? They call it a home style cooking they've like basically cafeteria benches but made out of something nice like if john taffer had to use this skeleton of military chow hall yeah but doll it up dining Dining hall. Antique to the top. Everything's upcycled.

I'm trying to come up with the line from the piano has been drinking. You can't find the waitress with a Geiger counter, and she hates you and your friends, but you just can't get served without her. In that review, it wasn't this time. Now they actually have salt and pepper shakers. But the first time I went there, I asked two different waitresses for salt and pepper, and they both said, we don't really have that.

But the second one, under duress, went back to the kitchen and brought out a small plate where the cook had just dumped salt and pepper for me to a bindle of salt off with my thumb onto my food out comes this big burly guy and he picks up a midget holding a salt shaker and he shakes the midget that salts your trout my go-to is i just gotta eat something in the morning so just give me one scrambled egg and one piece of white toast or wheat toast well we have sourdough the first morning it's like texas toast sour the worst yeah and and then i go do you have any other kind of toast because the i don't want that thick sourdough shit from yesterday and uh they said some name of toast it It was like brioche.

I don't know. It wasn't fucking toast. Tracy, what is it? It's not brioche. It's one normal fucking thing. There's not a Denny's nearby? There's a Cantor's Deli. I found it.

It was overpriced, but well worth the seven blocks away walk. I was on UK books i think i i try to post it note my brain where i went off track uk books will be coming out otherwise try to go through amazon.com instead of uh and there's other ways just fucking i've retweeted a few people who said they've i people are tweeting me pictures of their book in the uk yes it's out there and we do the uh major uh promo tour about the time this podcast comes out we'll be doing a week of fucking everything except for oprah and oh yeah that's it i i didn't get around to doing that i should do that or you guys do it

you're more bored i'm gonna be busy just tweet hey good day la just every inappropriate market seems you missed uh doug stanhope's promo tour when are you gonna get him on his book and always include the link to the book if they hashtag hey oprah's book club someone did today if they hashtag uh today show someone puts eyeballs on it they have people they pay that are just watching what the reaction is and anytime they come up on something yeah as long as it's funny hey uh whatever fucking late night talk show jimmy fallon or anyone that i would never be on. The View. When I get dumped and I went to L.A. and I was stuck in the Depp Castle and I just kept tweeting every fucking hot A-list movie star for a date,

I go, why didn't I do that with the book? Now it's too late. I'm busy as shit. Then I had 12 hours to kill and a bottle of vodka and no friends. That's where I'm at in the book right now, reading my... What, when I had a bottle of vodka to kill and a bottle of vodka and no friends that's where i'm at in the book right now reading my uh what when i had a bottle of vodka to kill and no friends with with a hot girlfriend that could get you into every anything she wanted to go to in la she got on and then they oh this is the great thing i'm so backed up and all over the map with this, but I'm doing Ari Shaffir's storytelling show on May, I guess that's 23rd.

It's this Sunday. And the story I'm going to tell, if you've read the book, don't go to the fucking show because I'm doing this story from the book to push the book. But the good part is I get to start with the end of the story you're talking about, and I'm going to start with the beat that the lawyers from the book would not let me do. But you're going to do it. Yeah, now it leaves out her name and includes the fucking payoff that I had to just ditch out of rather than rewrite a chapter. Oh, that's so good, though. Remember that day when you were writing it where you're like, this is so fucked up. It ruins everything this this pulls the funny and the ironic out of the whole thing and yeah well the story still stands still for as a chronology of my life it's important but

the payoff to how that whole thing was written and it was last minute i had to pull a paragraph small half paragraph we can't do that no you can't even allude to it well i can on this so fuck you and it segues me into the next story that was a super litigious dude right yeah no that was just to see if i could actually say litigious i've been drinking yeah i know three drinks that's always the problem we go we should start drinking to get in the mood just to see if I could actually say litigious. I've been drinking. Yeah, I know, three drinks. That's always the problem. We go, ah, we should start drinking and get in the mood. But we're not really in the mood

until after we've been drinking a lot. And now it's that audio book. We do have the audio book. We'll be doing it. We're going to work out the details. It's going to come months. It's not weeks or days. It'll be doing it. We're going to work out the details. It's going to come months. It's not weeks or days. It'll be months.

But it's secure? Yes. The deal is in place. We will be doing an audio book. I think we'll be doing a second book. I'll be doing a second book. The special will be out. I don't know when. And I told him time is more important than money just to get special will be out. I don't know when. And I told them

time is more important than money just to get the fucking thing out. Then they told me, I go, well, what's the difference between that offer and this offer? And I go, okay, we can wait a little longer for that offer. Time's not that important. They'll get it. And that was that. It's fucking

great. Ron White, Joe Rogan didn't get to run into Chrysler, Chrysler has a vlog out of his time here so find that I'm sure it's on YouTube that turned out great the way he edited it up I didn't remember

I didn't know how much i didn't remember of that night until i watched that i'm like i don't remember that i don't remember that if jeff tate watched that i remember kissing him on the mouth after he told me i go yeah i kind of remember that once he said it but i didn't remember i kind of forced him into going deep on the second one and i think jeff tate he would say you know what what? That's rape, man. That's rape. And I'd say, Jeff, you need a drink. What do you got? You're talking about the vlog, Burt Kreischer vlog. You can get it on YouTube, and it's his visit to Bisbee.

He finally produced it and put it out there. Not finally, meaning it took too long. He did a great job, and it's fantastic. And also, he did a vlog last night that we just watched, and it was the silent auction submissions for his kid's school. His kid's school does this charity basket auction, like gift basket. Mystery box. So a lot of the people that go to his kid's school,

they work for studios, I guess. They're in North Hollywood, so chances are. Yeah, so they get universal pictures they'll send to GiveBasket because someone's a producer there or something. Pixar. And he goes, I don't have any of that, so I'm just letting my fans do it. And you know what? You can send anything you want because it's my fans.

They don't have any preconceived notions. And we saw that on a periscope and went hey what do we got and i just looked there's a 18 inch suction cup dildo over the fucking air conditioner there's a vintage uh whites only replica plaque yeah there's a couple things already all right we got we got something for you shaley fill the box so yeah there's a vlog of him his wife opening the box there uh we'll have those links oh we're gonna shut this down officer bob friendly's here all right shut this bar down we're gonna have to take a uh break the cops are here all right we'll be right back with or without Chad Shank. But first, a PSA from Officer Bob Friendly here in Bisbee, Arizona. Hey, kids, this is Officer Bob Friendly.

Next time you're thinking about suicide by cop, maybe try suicide by yourself, you lazy prick. Save me a lot of bullshit and paperwork. Thanks. And remember to wear a seatbelt. This message was not written by, approved by, or read by Officer Bob Friendly.

Hey, you miserable cunts. You want to ever see me again? You go to the Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com we have new vinyl something to take the edge off on vinyl that's right something to take the edge off on vinyl drunk with power pint glasses and stanhope shot glasses as well as T-shirts. Pop-Off Vodka Presents, which is coming out as I believe we're going to put that on iTunes. We filmed that in the funhouse. So Pop-Off Vodka Presents.

We have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist. The Doug Stano podcast T-shirts. Abortion is green is back by popular demand death of a salesman as well and we got stickers, CDs, DVDs and now the Doug Stano store at DougStano.com

open 24 hours people are doing methamphetamine and staying up you never know what hour so please go to the merch store at DougStano.com People are doing methamphetamine and staying up. You never know what hour. So please, go to the merch store at DougStanhope.com and buy some shit. It keeps Chaley here. It keeps the podcast going.

And you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye. He's getting a call. What's that? Come back if you can. We'll microwave it when you get back. We were driving to the Billy Idol concert in Southern California at Irvine Meadows,

which was the old Lion Country Safari. And we were in my Datsun 510 four-door, classic. And it was my brother and I and BBJ in the back. We were all roadies for some band down in Southern California. And we're drinking California coolers and throwing the empties out the window as we're driving on the shoulder to beat all the traffic, which is two lane, single lane each way. And we're just thinking we're the fucking smartest fuckers in the world.

And a cop, two cop cars pull behind us, driving down the shoulder as we're throwing the empties. And it's like, pull over. Dotson 510, pull over. We pull over. And now everyone going to the- We're already on the shoulder. What are you, pulling to the sea? I'm already- He can't pull over anymore.

Super troopers. So we're standing now on the side of the road pouring out the rest of our booze as everyone we blew by is inching by us, going into the concert, laughing their asses off and fine and it's cadets it's the fuck it's not even the cops they're pulling us over because they've got cadets and they're they're trying to do the whole thing practice drill oh my god they basically the one guy comes back in a hurried manner and says listen you guys are. It's a fatality down the road, so we're going to let you go.

They let us go. We're drinking and driving and throwing littering. Just littering should have got us a ticket. Nothing. We skated clean into the fucking show. But it was really funny because when you hear – Did you show up at that funeral? Thanks.

We're so lucky. There was one thank you card on the chest of Grandpa. I don't understand. But hearing things come over the air, we hear them differently than they hear them. They're like, this is going to be so much paperwork.

Are you kidding? Already dead? Are you sure? Already dead? I mean, I don't know what call he just got. Well, the one call he got last time not last time but the one time where we got police beat live was about a lady over on hazard two blocks away with diarrhea and he goes oh yeah she calls him with this all the time he didn't take it he let let the other guy take it. The machine will get it. Seniority. Is that a fetish call at that point?

Now that Officer Bob Friendly has vacated the premises, let's get right to Chad Shank builds a chicken coop part two. This time, not 2CB, but LSD. How did the chicken coop go in your second? We're going to make you do every kind of drug until this chicken coop is done. Chicken coop on heroin, chicken coop on weed. LSD, I knew LSD was the way to go. I'm not good at math, so I can't plan shit out.

But LSD does show you the angles. Yeah, I could see the whole thing, so I planned it out. It was a very productive work day. It was fucking really nice. Until I've used up all my materials, and I had to go to Home Depot, and the fucking dawn's on me. Hold on. I can't go to Home Depot.

Tracy and I ran into Jenny today at the Walmart. Lori. Wife Lori, Jenny. Yeah, and she alluded to the fact that you got to that point where then someone had to go to Home Depot and it wasn't going to be you.

It was a bad thing because my tire was flat so I would have had to deal with a whole bunch. I would have had to change a tire and then go to... That's not how you spend your day. She looked defeated when she told me that. she's already she lives with me you can't think she's not defeated we've been married 18 years i i once bought a pre-cut just all you had to do is put it together like a kit it was a kit for a like a mini barn like 8x18 mini barn so we could quit paying for storage units it took me

two years to put it together i i put part of it together and i get frustrated and leave it and then two years later i finished you have to remember that the fun house that we're sitting in that was the original idea for this is i just needed storage i was going to buy one of those storage huts that they have in the parking lot at Home Depot, and Shawnee said... Toughshed or something. With a door and a cute window like a country barn. And Shawnee goes,

I could probably build you the same thing for the same price. Nine months later, we have a fucking deck on top. Fucking backhoes in the yard leveling the... Well, mine was two years later and it didn't get any better. The wood just got warped. Yeah, I was going to say that.

It's out there two monsoons. You fucking force some shit together and put screws and nails in it, it'll get unwarped. Depends on how aggressive you are in your building. Come on. We're not shooting pool in here. I bought all of the stuff to put together a

framed-in bamboo fence on my front yard four years ago. I'm not even halfway fucking finished with it. I haven't even done anything in two and a half years on it. I don't know. You're busy. Chickens take precedent. Well, they're going to die.

So right now they're living in a fucking back room. And you're not already bored with that project. No, I am completely bored with that project. I don't fucking care about it at all. It just has to get done, and there's nobody else. If I could find somebody else to do it, I would. But it's kind of like sit-ups or something, where you already tried that one years ago.

Here's a new exercise program, the chicken coop. So fuck the bamboo fence. I tried that. It never really clicked. Bamboo is not happening. I'm forcing it way more than that. I don't have any sort of motivation to do this. I don't fucking care.

Whenever you're trying to battle whether or not to die, everything else gets real trivial towards the afternoon. In the morning, you're like fuck it i don't need to be here and then by the afternoon you're like maybe i should pull weeds oh see i'm the opposite i'm motivated in the morning and i'm gonna change my life around i'm gonna get some shit done and that usually lasts from nine to noon my first cigarette and then i'm just gonna check newser and my email and then i'm fucking on at this bar well it's only four i i worked from 9 to 12 which means go to safeway three times check the discount meat i woke up at 4 30 this morning and started browsing suicide videos

what time what 4.30. That's about the time I get home. I heard a good one on Sword and Scale, the new episode of Sword and Scale. There's a guy I didn't know about, Bjork. A guy stalked Bjork and tried to send her an acid bomb and then murdered himself.

But he also video logged it for 22 hours from the conception of his plan until he finally shaved his head and painted himself with paint and shot himself through the mouth on video. Do they have the whole thing up? Because that's a Netflix binge.

Did you get to the shaved head episode? I fast forwarded the last seven minutes because I already knew the ending Now that makes me feel bad for stalking when we were over in Iceland twice just stalk tweeting her going hey Bjork haven't run into you yet

any chance we can get a ride to the airport? And she looked at him just hammering Bjork. Yeah, this happened in like 1996. That probably had some pretty serious dark undertones for her. I'm sure she's still writing songs about it, but you can't understand them like Alanis Morissette's endless songs that she albums she wrote about some guy that fucked her and didn't call back. Bjork's probably still writing songs about her stalker

that you go, I don't understand what she's saying. There's a lot of yodeling and howling. I think she just got burned with a wood-burning kid in that one. I didn't watch any Bjork videos. He was playing some music while he killed himself and I wanted to kind of kill myself too.

I can't watch. She is the hottest looking retarded girl of all time. Let's just say that. Bjork? Bjork? She looks like she has Down Syndrome in a hot way. Like someone under your charge? If you had to fuck one Downsy kid.

Look, I'm supposed to look after her. Bjork. I can't even look at the hockey thing we saw today without, like the guy, the goalie who twisted his knee and like was writhing in pain. I couldn't, I can't watch suicide videos. Everyone has their own thing. I can't watch zip popping or the boil popping shit.

I can't watch that. I can't watch people blow their knee. I've blown my knee out before, so I can't watch that. Suicide is something that I look forward to, so I can watch that all the time. I can watch suicide before a compound fracture. Any fucking type of suicide. I'd change the channel if Tosh.0 is going, if he says he's going to show someone that, like, breaks a leg. That I can't watch. Two girls, one cup?

That was fucking simple. I could eat during that. I could eat cum during that. There was a, the-off the spin-off two guys and one hammer was kind of difficult to watch.

What's that one? I just threw up in my mouth you saying that. I think it was in Russia maybe. It was another Sword and Scale episode too but I've heard about it before that.

Two dudes in Russia just like beat a homeless guy to death with a hammer. I thought two dudes were hammering their own dick. That's where I went too. I thought they were were hammering their own dick. That's where I went, too. I thought they were just smashing.

I've seen a lot of fucking self-nails through the cock. Self-mutilation, yeah. No, I don't remember if it had anything sexual, but they definitely beat his face with a hammer. That's why my parents moved from Santa Ana to Fullerton, California. Genital mutilation? In second grade... Back in those days,

it was all the rage. In second grade, the John Adams elementary school where I was going to, some of the kids, they had a hammer fight at the ballpark. Like at the backstop. And my parents were like, that's it.

We're done. and they left and that was and i've always been super afraid and there was no hammer fight there was no hammer fight in the new place you went to no never i bet if you google search hammer fight there's a fucking death metal band that was like three of the kids that were watching and didn't participate learned to play guitar they started a a band. Hammer fight, man. Hammer fight. We were there. We had rock fights when I was a kid, which seems dumb.

Dirt clods only. No rocks. Oh, we were rocks. Dirt clods only. Oh, fuck. Like full on rocks. And we would do really well. The one time I got damaged was when a guy on my team went behind me.

I bent down to pick up a rock and stood up as he was throwing, and he fucking hit me in the back of the beam with a rock. Oh, if you ever saw me throw out the first pitch at the fucking Bisbee Copper Kings, you wouldn't want me behind you in a rock fight. Stanup's got to move forward if I'm not going to play. I might not have needed stitches then if Stanup would have hit me with a rock.

Baba Booey is Dennis Eckersley compared to how bad my pitch. What? Baba Booey is known for his offense. I know that. Who's Dennis Eckerly? Dennis Eckerly? The only pitcher I could come up with a name reference on short notice? No, it's not the knuckleball pitcher. No, he was on the A's.

I remember that. Just from my days of collecting worthless baseball cards. I collected baseball cards during the only time that they were worthless. So I have a whole bunch of worthless baseball cards. And yet, it proved fruitful tonight. I still saved them. night i still saved them uh tucson suarez and we want to go into this uh is uh bisbee killer termites day i submitted i didn't show up at the last city council because uh jen luria who runs the bisbee uh tourism department uh prime minister of tourism

figured out how you do this officially. So I had to email City Hall, and evidently on Tuesday, the day after this should air, the 7th, what, I don't know, the fucking May something of 2016. He should be, the mayor should be reading that May 29th is officially Bisbee Killer Termites Day for the work you did to make Bisbee number one. The USA Today 10 best. 10 best small historic towns in America. If you're listening, you know what the fuck's going on.

You have to be here for that. I can't. I'm doing the- Killer Termites Day. Oh, yeah. Not the first one. Oh, I thought you meant for the city council. I'm going to be with you.

The first one. Well, here's the deal. City council, they better fucking read that. That's on the 17th. Yeah. Wait. You'll be down there. Yeah, 17th.

You'll be down there to film when he announces it at city council, which will be almost like the presidential inauguration for us. like the presidential inauguration for us. And I said that the 29th is the first day I can be in town when the Tucson Saguaros, who we have renamed against their will and without their knowledge, the Bisbee Killer Termites, the Tucson team is going to play their Sunday games

down here in Bisbee as the Tucson Saguaros. Their home games. their home games, their home games. And we're just going to call them the Bisbee killer termites and give them Bisbee killer termite jerseys. And hopefully they play along. Sometimes 20 year old kids with their eye on the prize and big hopes don't have a sense of humor.

And sometimes we don't give a fuck, but so far the ones I've tweeted with are playing along. I would say anybody in that league, what is it? The Pecos League. The Pecos League. They don't have that many A's to get first in a Yellow Pages ad. If they have a turnout at any of their games, they're going to be happy, which will be here.

And in Tucson, they have every level of a ball h double a triple a down here we get ball and we show up so there i'm if they get their families to their own games i'm sure they're happy here we have a fan base and may 29th i was invited by the great Governor Gary Johnson, who will be the Libertarian presidential candidate. They were going to fly me to Orlando for the Libertarian National Convention, May 26th through 30th,

and I went, fuck, I already said I'd be at the ballgame on that Sunday. I voted in your poll on Twitter. Do you want to tell them what you voted? Yeah, I voted that you fucking come here for Killer Termites Day. I agree.

But I didn't know you had an invitation and all that stuff. I thought you were just going to go. But I stand by my vote. Listen, I stand by your vote. I stand with the Killer Termites. I think that you need to pay back a little bit of what the killer termites, whether they're here or not, you need to pay back everything they've given to you. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Don't sell out to the big politicians. I threw it up there as a passive-aggressive, hey, you know what? The fucking libertarian candidate was going to fly me and put me up on his own tab and Brian Hennigan too. Fuck Brian Hennigan. Well, you didn't say all that or it would have been like a humble brag. Hold on, hold on, hold on. If Brian's going to get to go,

I back up. I back up. If your handler is there. You're just going to be embarrassed when Brian demands trout with fennel for breakfast. It's just going to be a mess. Just don't do it. What, there's no trout?

We went to the 2008 one. Or is it 12? Oh my god. We went to... Hold on, I need more. Oh, Derek was there with us. We were at some campaign thing. Yeah, we did acid and I fucking bought all those... Remember I bought those

photographs? They had like a little flea market-y kind of art bazaar at the lower floor and I did acid and I bought those photographs? They had like a little flea market-y kind of art bazaar at the lower floor, and I did acid, and I bought some photographs. We were on some kind of drug. Mushrooms or acid? We were definitely— This was during the day, right? It was in the day through the night.

Midwest? Denver. Is there like a time you're supposed to do acid? No, I wasn't with you. Who was driving the day through the night. Midwest? Denver. Is there like a time you're supposed to do that? No, I wasn't with you. Who was driving the car? That's for you to figure out. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Go ahead. I'm trying to remember who else was there.

Andrews was there for sure. The mattoid was there. Gay Cousin Eric. No, that was... Hold on. Gay Cousin Eric. We might have been. Yeah. That was at the sports bar. That was... Hold on. Gay Cousin Eric, we might have been. That was at the sports bar.

That was the sports bar. I wasn't doing a gig. We went to Denver for this convention. Oh, no, I wasn't there. That was after Death Valley. Left Death Valley and went to Denver. Yeah, point is, I was out of my tit.

And I bought some photographer head, and the pictures looked amazing. And I spent ungodly amounts of money. On acid. I still have one that bingo's tried to throw away every year since then. And I still have it. It's out in the laundry room. That bar area in the laundry room. There's a bar area in every part of this.

Even if it doesn't look like a bar, we call it one. It's a bar. We've used it as a bar at some point. Go ahead. What do you got? When you said that, that reminded me that whenever I was building my chicken coop on acid, I was listening to music. Chicken Coop on acid.

I was listening to music. And this song, Les Paul with Mary Ford, Mockingbird Hill. I was fucking fascinated with that song, and I wanted it to be my ringtone. When the sun in the morning creeps over the window and kisses the roses round my windowsill and my heart fills with gladness when I hear the trill of the birds in the treetops

on Malkinburg Hill Fa la la, tootity dee dee I said ringtone, I meant alarm. I wanted it to be my alarm in the morning. Because on acid, I knew that I would be able to fucking be in a good mood if I woke up to that every day. So I understand whenever you think that some art is cool, because I thought shitty music was fucking fantastic.

You didn't spend $800 on that. I didn't even spend $0.99 on that. I didn't even spend 99 cents on that. So here's the deal. I am going to be here. I might be able to show up at the Libertarian Convention and get back for the game, depending, because there's still dates that are in the balance for book tour shit.

But if I can get to the Libertarian Convention, either way, I will be back here on May 29th, which is a Sunday where the Bisbee Killer Termites, a.k.a. formerly known that week as the Tucson Saguaros, play the dreaded Alpine Cowboys, I believe. It's Alpine Texas they play. I thought it might be the Alpine Chickens. I'm not sure.

Chickens. We do have a chicken suit. We might have Kenny dress up as their mascot against their will with a Go Alpine sign and just chug booze out of a chicken suit and stink. I just love the idea that he shows up in a chicken suit and goes, I'm with the band. He tries to get in, and then he gets in.

And then he sits in the stands. And he's eating nachos with the chicken suit, like the mask lifted up. But he didn't pay to get in. I love it. Give him fake whiskey to chug out of a Jack Daniels bottle and hurl insults. He's not with us. Yeah, well, his sandwich board says he is. The announcer to play along.

He's fantastic. Better than any kind of, I don't know what that thing even was. If either of us knew about baseball, we could announce the games. We'd need a third person that knows baseball. You did it that one time with someone else. J.T. Habersack. No, no, the gal. Oh, yeah.

That was a good one. But we had a third person that knew the game. JT at least knew the game. Well, I know baseball. I played baseball growing up. All right, so I don't know who's doing what and what base. I wasn't lighting shit on fire like you. I'm reading your book.

Did you? I'm not all the way done, but I'm reading it. Oh, so not only is May 29th, I will be here for the game and Bisbee, and I know a few people are coming down. I know a guy said he bought tickets flying down, so I go, I can't fuck him over. But I might have to fly out of Orlando at 6 a.m.

to get here for 9 a.m. with the time difference to drive. Easy. You can do that. Or I might not. Anyway, I'm going to be here. But, please, as payback for Gary Johnson, and I know those libertarians are just a shell for the corporations

gary johnson's a fucking super high guy like you he's spent his off time since the last election working for normal working for pro-legalization shit he's not the uh we're gonna fuck over we're empowering corporations guy he's not that guy that's all great but he's still going to get a fraction of the vote and it's not going to matter at all a killer termite day will matter a lot it might matter enough because of trump so many people are fleeing to any corner and it's taken away from the trump vote and uh he's doing Rogan's podcast on Tuesday, which should be tomorrow for you listeners. Oh, wow. Just retweet the fuck out of Joe Rogan's podcast on Tuesday and listen to Gary Johnson.

I don't know anything about him, but any politician willing to do a podcast like that is great. Yeah, with Joe Rogan. Yeah, he's willing to answer anything and be prepared to be cornered as like a safe harbor yeah he was the libertarian candidate the last election and i went to vegas to do some internet like sit around talk showy kind of thing and they had some professional boxer that was the cliche boxer couldn't put three words together in the uh the the bit of butch lord old arizona comic i started with he had a bit about boxers should never do their own interviews i knew evidentially i would become a container

he was like that oh. Oh, Asian guy. And the internet feed didn't click, and Gary Johnson's going, I have to leave. I have a flight. We're just trying to work on this and make it work. But you don't understand. I have to leave. I don't have time. There's a flight that's.

And at one point, he looks at me, and I go, you're going to be so glad when this is over. And he said, well, you don't understand. My life's just like yours. And I thought he meant the road work you have to do to be a candidate. And he goes, no, no. I spent a lot of time so I don't have to do this anymore. I can just mow my yard. I don't know why I'm doing this spot on yeah i'm done i built up

my career to the point where i can do anything i want but he's that passionate about it well in four years then you can go to his thing whenever after president trump has concentration camps and stuff more people it'll make a difference he still going to get the smallest percentage of vote this year. Don't you mean concentration parks? Well, that's here in Bisbee. I'm talking about federal concentration. The thing is, it's not about winning. It's about getting enough of the vote, which is only like 5%.

You've got 1% left. I got you. It's just as dumb as winning. Well, I mean, didn't this all happen back, and I fear we're venturing into that political arena that we should not be talking about. I don't give a fuck. Didn't that happen with Ralph Nader back in the 70s?

Where he was, or early 80s? Ross Perot was the one that. That's the other one. That's when they go, we're going to change the rules. This weird guy's fucking getting 19%. There's always someone that could do that. The Whig Party. Let me back up to a different election that didn't matter.

Bisbee, best historic small town in America. That's the only one that I participated in that mattered to me. You know what? Officer Bob Friendly doesn't have additional staffing. Property prices have not changed. It's just throwing your vote

behind the right team. It's like rooting for the St. Louis Blues. You do that, they're probably not going to win the Stanley Cup, but you do the right thing because they have the coolest logo. No, because the San Jose Sharks are going to definitely fucking kill them. So anyway, go ahead. So July 3rd is what I was getting to.

Yes. The Killer Termites Day for the ballpark, May 29th. I will be here. But also, and I can't guarantee I'll be here, but I know Becker's going to be here. Everyone that's on this podcast will be here. But also, and I can't guarantee I'll be here, but I know Becker's going to be here. Everyone that's on this podcast will be here. It's 4th of July. July 3rd, they'll be playing here.

Fucking Alaska's coming down. Becker, the fucking funniest guy on earth. I'm booking a show in the Funhouse for the July 4th weekend. Oh, wow. Oh, we could do something with that. We could do some kind of invite-only contest, some dumb shit on the podcast. That hasn't went well in the past.

No, no, no, no. I'll take care of it. We'll learn. I'll take care of it. A vetted contest? Okay. I'm up for that. Doug will have nothing to do with who gets to come into the show.

But Becker will be here. We'll have Mishka here for sure. Mishka Shibali. And I can get a couple other comics. And then we've got other shows that we're talking about for the Royale that are coming up. So July 4th will be the first one in the Funhouse. We are doing the eBay yard sale.

It's tentative for the end of June. So maybe we do another one. We just have to vet. Well, we'll figure that out. July 4th, we're doing a show here in the Funhouse. Build Chad Shank's Chicken Coupon Acid Contest. We have a couple things. What do we got?

Thanks for the reviews. Oh, yeah. The book is doing well as far as everyone. 666? Yeah, that was great today, Sid. As of today, on Friday the 13th? On Friday the 13th, friday the 13th i checked the amazon rankings and we were at uh 666 in the rankings which if i didn't explain this on the last

podcast you did my publisher said yeah if you break 10 000 you're doing great i checked one guy i know it's he was at 2.4 million something it's a lot of books but i mean that book's been out i bet fucking fear and loathing is probably everything p 200 000 because no one's buying today this goes by hour who's buying what right now so so it's all bullshit at one point you were at 56 57 it was yeah that's when my publisher called me shit in his pants going, my biggest seller was 90 and that was Hitchens. Oh, wow. And then that's what hooked me on looking at it.

And now I just feel worse and worse every time the number gets higher. But people have been reviewing the book. Oh, yeah. Thanks for all the reviews. I know a lot of them are just goofy. Hey, I'm the third base coach for the killer termites and this book made my fucking sciatica go away i i get i thank you for those two but thank you for the real reviews including the fucking cunt that gave me a two

star review the one guy i think that andrew told me a local guy, Andrew out here, handyman, said it was in Boston, the local paper in Boston. Yeah, I have his address. I'm on it. No, no, no. He wrote an article about it, not a review on Amazon. I'm talking about the Amazon reviews. But I'm saying other reviews are coming in now, like actually published reviews. Yeah, we haven't done really any press for this. The fact that we

hit 57 and made my publisher shit his pants, that was with you doing the only press. You, the killer termites. In his 700 square foot apartment in North Hollywood. And yes, I will

be doing Anthony Cumia. I have to go back out to new york everyone's going hey do this when you're in new york and do that you have to understand my fucking schedule is if i did all of these people you're telling me to do if they even wanted me uh i would have to do them on someone else's show because i i'm constantly like morning to night doing shit so it's not like i'm laying around going well i wish i had another place to plug this you're stacked it's it's fucking it's insane but i mean it's what you have to do to do this this end of it is you have no control over you just have to go where they point you what day are you doing the uh

ob and jim Jim Norton show? Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning. Because I want to listen to that. Yeah, that's the first one. And we don't land until midnight the night before. And then you have to get through New York traffic and get into a fucking hotel.

Well, I just said I wanted to listen. I didn't say I have high expectations of you. Maybe we can get Chad Shank to do a guest hosting for me while I'm gone because I'm going to be gone for a week without being able to podcast. Oh, we're already on top of it. All right, good. I found some mushrooms in the fucking freezer.

We'll talk about Halloween. That seems to be a subject everyone likes Chad talking about. Yeah, we'll figure something out, especially if we have mushrooms. Yeah. We had Kenny here. Derek's here. No one seems enthused to talk about their mayoral campaign, but I don't think anything's changed since last time.

campaign, but I don't think anything's changed since last time. I want to unendorse Derek with one R at Derek with one R. Let's address this right now. Fucking address this right now. Very funny idea when Derek misspelled his name

during an early debate. And he's not doing a bad job with it. But the guy made like a copycat, same picture Derek Vermeer with one R, which I thought was funny, but now you're like asking people for fucking drugs and shit. And a lot of

people think it's really Derek. Don't do that. Some people in Bisbee. We make the guy look like a dick properly. I have a flip phone. I've never been on Twitter. I quit using Facebook months ago.

That's wife's demand. Wait a minute. He just said he stopped using Twitter months ago when he joined the campaign? No, Facebook. Derek texted me a couple weeks ago and said, hey, Kenny thinks he's been talking to me on Twitter this whole time. And it was that.

Derek with one R. Yeah. So, and then whenever I saw people responding to him whenever he's asking for drugs, I was like, eh, that might be. Yeah, don't. That's not me. Don't misrepresent the brand Derek for me. Derek doesn't know it, but his name is spelled with two R's.

So the Derek with two R's for mayor is the official Twitter account that his campaign manager runs. The Derek with one R for mayor is some guy that took it too far. It's some guy that knows I need drugs. I thought it was a guy who knew Derek because he kind of sounds like Derek a lot of the time. That's why so many people... Might be Derek.

How many misspelled words? See, Brie said, if there's no misspelled words, you know it's not me. He did use a couple of big words and I knew right away that it really wasn't. See, if this was a topical show, we'd throw out the John Miller reference to Trump. That was... was oh sorry

trump pretending to be his own pr guy that's a story that's known today and in three days no one will remember i i think that was the tweet that irritated me was the uh fake derrick for mayor tweeted me and asked me if i still if i had the uh phone number for the guy that gave me the nice care package. Oh. And I was like at least you knew it wasn't me. Well it was something you would do but you would text me so I knew that it wasn't you on Twitter. It was the

way you got in touch with him. So I was like well that does sound like Derek but maybe it's Officer Bob Friendly. Dear Chad Shank I need drugs. Officer Bob Friendly. Dear Chad Shank, I need drugs. Officer Bob Friendly is so undercover, he's over-covered. You don't need a vest. I told him, you come over here in that vest and you can't even sit down because it's so bulky.

And the only call I've ever heard you get is for a diarrhea thing. That shouldn't be a bulletproof vest. It should be a diarrhea smock. Splatter guard. Just come over in rubber gloves. Wait around. All right. I don't think we even need another break.

This is a podcast. You got some thank yous. I got to do thank yous for the people who send weird things to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. At Misguided Mormon sent, I'll give this to you because I'm not going to be here. You can watch it first. Oh, wait, Chad Shank. By the way, the fucking cast here, basically, Chaley, Chad Shank, and Tracy

will all be out in L.A. for the Ari Shaffir taping on May 23rd, Sunday, or 22nd. Whatever the fucking Sunday is. Just watch my Twitter feed. I was hoping you would mention that because I still don't know what to expect. You texted me and said that you expect to be hung over and then be hung over again, and that's the only part I did expect. You land, Chad, you land at like 8 o'clock at night on Saturday night.

So we're going to get fucked up. We have Saturday off. At some point I have to. Oh, shit. That's when we're at the comedy store with Brechel. She's working. Then we'll all be in the comedy store. Oh, you're going to go to the comedy store?

No, we will be in Hollywood that night for sure because uh we're if we have a night off we're at the comedy store no but brettchell's working back she already she sent me the itinerary she already told me what i'm doing the weekend i'm in hollywood and i'm like care of it i don't even know i don't even i haven't even planned what i'm doing she's like this is what we're gonna be doing i'm working the weekend there, and I'm like, oh, well, I hope you guys are going to be there. Now you're going to be there. Yeah, it'll be a whole.

It's a comedy store weekend. So it's good. Looking forward to that. In fact, they're leaving before we're done. So we're just staying at their place. It's kind of nice. I don't have a place anymore. Hopefully, Brendan Walsh was around.

He's so fucking funny. That guy is so brilliant. I had to call him in. We looked at the pilot. It's just a presentation pilot, but the editing. And I'm like, all right, we're going to need fucking help. So we get Erickson and Walsh, who are fucking great, come in and look at it.

And yeah, all right, we need different eyes on everyone agreed including the people that we go they're going we're not the guys for the job either the guys that did the job so no offense no offense no there's no offense that's not that what it's not a different skill set yeah yeah it's like if i derrick had to go do my act because i fucking broke my fucking leg and you can't go derrick you fucked up all those jokes well it's not really my job i got the broken leg part right uh boom hey we'll close on a police beat hold on hold on we got a cookie guy no i i'm still yeah oh i was looking over my other show you sound like you're going to police beat

so uh it's uh that's exactly what it sounded like sounded like misguided uh mormon sent a documentary called peace officer which is about uh oh've watched it. It's on Hulu. You'll like it. Well, I get a DVD. You guys can watch it while I'm gone. Right about the point where I was thinking Radley Balco would really like this, and Radley Balco was in it. So I was like,

oh yeah, I was right! Actually, I just bought an extra copy of Radley Balo's book, The Rise of the Warrior Cop, for Officer Bob Friendly. I don't know if he's still here wandering around. He showed up, and I think he's got a dog in the crawl space. He's watching you.

He's watching. Yeah, he's installing cameras and shit. Who knows? Someone sent me a copy of You Are Being Lied To, which was the book I give a lot of credit for where I stopped doing dick jokes and went, oh, fuck, the world is scary. And the person who sent it, whoever sent it, didn't leave a name, and it might have been me. Because when I bought the book for Officer Bob Friendly, well, they showed up at the same time. I might have bought it for myself.

You bought a bunch of books while he was here one night, and you said, oh, I sent you that multiple times. And you also said give him all of your entire library of material. You were on a roll. Oh, did I buy that for him? You bought a lot of things. Maybe I bought that for him you bought a lot of things maybe i bought that for him i'll give it to him but i don't have a copy someone sent a no we have a copy downstairs have you looked in that box it's on the front porch it's too heavy for me to carry

in with a hernia someone sent bingo a box it is like loaded of just not just one, but stacks of herpes. You see where it's from? No. The CDC. I don't know who sent it. I didn't have time. I showed up at 4.30 in the morning. Center for Disease Control? Yeah.

Yeah. Someone sent a heavier crate of prison bibles. 15 pounds, easily. 15 pounds. Someone who works in a prison. I don't even know if you want me to give your twitter handle out but uh stone i'll just put stone so you know i know who you are thanks for the prison bibles and other literature from prison you work in a prison oh go ahead read this is that this one yeah he gave you that go ahead he wrote a special note

for you this was nice it says, Chad Shank, it says, Thanks for doing the podcast. Always makes me laugh when I'm having a shit day. Sorry it's not cash, but I found this and thought of you instantly. Hope you stay well. And it's the Jailhouse Lawyer's Handbook, which is a nice reference that I hope I never need. Newsprint.

I appreciate the note a lot and i i've been getting uh like people message me on social media and stuff sometimes i've been responding to people but everybody that messaged me i thanks for fucking everybody says nice shit like this yeah i i i read everyone a lot of them i read when i'm drunk i don't get back to most of you but i read it and uh the the sentiments and even the fucking crazy people i have a folder just named crazies that at some point we'll get into just reading there's one guy bulging now he's like i mean there's been they go in tangents for three months i'll get every day three or four.

And they think they make sense, and I just put them in the crazies folder. So, yeah, at some point, we'll just do. And now, email from a crazy. That'd be a good segment. Dip into the crazy folder. Yeah, that'd take up a lot of time. I got two things here.

Herpes and the cookie guy. Well, herpes was the CDC. OK. Center for Disease Control. Someone sent a book

and I have there was no note that I saw, but it's called a book called Smashed in the USSR. Fear, loathing. Anytime you use fear and loathing, it's a book called Smashed in the USSR. Fear, loathing. Anytime you use fear and loathing, it's such a cliche.

Not cliche, but it's such a... You didn't drunk order it when you ordered your other books, did you? No, I would have not ordered something that had fear and loathing. It's interesting. It's fear, loathing. They didn't want to say fear, loathing. Fear, loathing, and vodka on the steps. It's by Carolyn Walton and Ivan Petrov.

I don't know who sent that to me, but anything. I love any shit in the mail. And so does Bingo. And so does everyone here. Cookie guy. Cookie guy. Oh, shit. Did we not mention him on the last podcast? No, we haven't. From Minnesota. His name is Alan. Good catch.

I ate some of those cookies. I ate the chocolate strawberry one. I ate the lemon... What the fuck was that, Tracy? Everything except the one I had was good. Lemon blueberry chocolate. All good.

Very good. Very good. The lemon blueberry, that pairs well. The bacon fucking onion. Caramelized onion. Caramelized onion. You tried it?

Horrible. If you like fruit cake... Yeah, I knew that when I read it. Well, it tasted like fruit cake. What? It tasted like fruit cake if you like fruit tasted like fruitcake, if you like fruitcake. Did you hear the fucking label? Yeah, I ate one of them.

There's no fruit in it. But it tasted like fruitcake. Well, your taste buds were destroyed in the accident. It was horrible, and it was one that didn't work. They were all well-made. They were all well-made. Those were even, even if you didn't like the taste of them, they were well made. I like a chewier cookie.

That guy knows how to make some cookies. Well, he knows how to send us cookies. How about that? All right. I like the other ones, though. They were good. They're all gone, by the way. Yes, they went that night, UFC.

All right, we'll see you soon. I don't know, maybe we crank out one more before I leave, but probably not. I got some shit to do. Thank you for supporting the book. It means a lot, and thanks for all that shit. Bert Kreischer's Silent Auction. If you want to send him anything weird

to put in a Christmas basket, he needs it by May 18th. So if you don't have time, it's P.O. Box 707, North Hollywood, California, 91603. Merchandise at the Stanhope store. Fuck! I got a Joby's. It's Joby's birthday.

And he said he's got a special It's Joby's birthday. And he said he's got a special at the death pool. What are you doing? I'm reading it on my phone. Is it double points if his mom dies on his birthday? Oh yeah, he had to come back because his mom's slowly dying.

And when I say slowly, people looking at their watch. You mean not fast enough. Like people are waiting for this fucking endless infomercial of a podcast to end. He's looking at his mother going, just die. I can't keep driving back. See, my mom was so cognizant of that. I don't have time.

I have to do things for Stan Hope. Get this fucking over with. Done. Joby says, sorry, I'm sick and wanted to hang out a bit, but don't want to spread this shit. If you're podcasting, plug the Bisbee Death Pool Pack. T-shirt. Lady size is two.

We don't even have that. T-shirt. This is the Death Pool Pack. Four koozies, two bar coasters, and two stickers for $25. So there you go. All for the cost of a T-shirt, and you get other shit. And, yeah, keep Joby in business until his mom dies, and he can sell that car.

He can pay his rent with that. All right, that's it. DSCDP, Doug Stan Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool and I was going to say any other plugs if you haven't bought the book buy it at DougStanhope.com signed

oh yeah I can sign them people have been emailing me if I mail you my book will you sign it and mail it back if I have a pre... When I'm not doing shit. I'm not going to be here. Now, even people overseas can buy the books at DougStanhope.com

for a limited time, right? Absolutely. Okay. All the books bought on DougStanhope.com. I've been to fucking Australia and Canada too, but not... Someone from Scotland just messagedaged me are you fucking kidding me i got this book signed in seven days and i'm like i don't fucking know how it works we just put it

we just drop it off with daniel at the fucking post office like yeah yeah yeah yeah we're fucking professional here i'm just realizing that when we are doing our self-publishing in the UK... Nah, that'd be too confusing. All right, let's just close. Oh, wait. Let's get to the police beat already in progress with Chad Shank. A caller advised that in a little while, there was going to be a beige Astro van with drugs at Swan Road in Arizona Street. Now, this is one of those instances where the news is telling you exactly what you shouldn't do.

So you might hear this podcast years from now, race down to that cross street, hoping to see that drugs minivan a little while be more specific caller chad shank i know you're out there in the shit as we say and uh what else can you tell us is going on on the dirty filthy backwater other side of the track streets of bis. It is indeed rough out here, Stanhope. A male subject was seen by the tunnel wearing scrubs and no shoes. Scrubs like, uh... They wouldn't say this about a female candidate!

Scrubs is like a nurse outfit, right? No, as in small brush in the desert. I was trying to think of like what Bingo is wearing in the fucking mental hospital, which will be going on sale in the Bisbee yard sale coming up, the eBay yard

sale in June. We have her mental illness scrubs, her Guantanamo Bay shit that the Arizona Mental Health Care provided her with. Dude, that's a great gross promote. Have her like walk into the mule tunnel and then we get in the police beat

and then it seems natural. That's good. Well done. What do you got, Chad? Three loose dogs were getting a knocko grandmother's dogs all worked up. And you wonder why the property values plummet here and people can't find jobs.

You can't work up grandma. You can't work her up. Stop your dogs. I thought it was a euphemism. Hey, I got a work up grandma. I got a work up grandma going on right here. We are close to the border, and I don't know if those shows really exist and I just

want you to clarify they were working up grandma's dogs they weren't working up grandma well sure I'm paying for it better be grandma's dogs I just didn't want the listeners to think that grandma was getting worked up by dogs no no the conversion on the peso is so good

you get a worked up grandma's dogs right now. Red rocket for a week. Dogs don't discriminate. It's all for me. No, grandma. He does that all the time. What else you got, Chad? A neighbor in Palomino's threatened to burn down the caller's fence.

Wait, that wasn't me, was it? I threatened to burn down. You do houses. I threatened to burn down shit when I get mad. I'm going to burn down your fucking house. Well, it's all the way over there. I've been working on a fucking chicken coop. I'll just settle for the fence.

I would never burn down a fence. There would be zero loss of life in that instance. It would be a completely wasted endeavor. It seems like if you're calling about someone burning down a fence from a neighbor that you would lose in that prospect, right? I'm going to throw a punch

eight inches from your nose if you don't fucking back away. Windmill. I don't know. It's blurry. I'm trying Windmill. What the fuck? I don't know. It's blurry. I'm trying to see. Oh, wait.

I already read that one. A tear gas out there in the field. Do you want to cross them off? I already read that one. Hold on. Put my thumb over it. A Bisbee neighbor blocked the caller's driveway with rocks. Kind of a dick move. Well, when your own car is already up on blocks,

you can't really move your car in front of their driveway. I don't know. The only thing we should mention, this is all from the Bisbee Observer, which you can go to bisbeebserver.com, I believe, and get a subscription to this and get your own Bisbee 14-page newspaper weekly delivered to your house. And they'll be weirded out. Why are we mailing this shit to the Netherlands? Why do we have subscriptions in the Ukraine? Well, it's $75 to send to Icelandeland and they're adamant that they want them

weekly what the fuck there's also now on youtube best of the police beat i saw and it's really fucking funny i didn't i i retweeted that in the blind which i do a lot because i didn't have time to fucking listen to it uh but, yeah, I saw that. I retweeted that. By the time we do Police Beat, I never remember what the fuck is going on, so it was all a surprise. And then I could also play it for my wife because I don't want to play her the shit we normally talk about. So it was really good.

I like it. Thanks for putting that together, guy. And actually, the benefit of that is you just play her the best. It's the best of the Police Beat. So it's just like, wow, you guys are really tight. It might be the worst. I don't know. It's really good. He's the guy

that does all our uploading of all the podcasts. Brazilian guy? Easily the worst. No, no, no. Easily the worst on Twitter. He messaged me or he tweeted me and said, how do I get a hold of you? And I messaged him or I responded and said, I followed you so you can DM me.

And then he just never responded. What a fucking aloof dick. Who works for nothing but accolades. So thank you very much. Yeah, it was really nice. There's two of them out there right now. Duck, duck. What's coming in, Chad? I hear shrapnel in the background uh a shrapnel indeed stand up a double adobe neighbor was throwing stuff at the caller and was taking her livestock livestock while she was on the phone

with dispatch she was what she was throwing stuff at the caller and taking her livestock taking or talking that's funny because we talked about this off the air talking would be a weird thing like there's someone talking to my cow i mean i guess you might call it taking her account yeah she took like i'm picturing her like throwing rocks at her taking her cow i don't know what happened taking her cow okay what were you just talked about rock fights but i realized that's off the air so anyway all right well you know what if you uh if you find anyone at your pawn shop trying to sell a stolen chicken or goat pygmy or otherwise please if it seems suspicious, call Officer Bob Friendly at this number, 911. If you see something, say something.

A subject was released from jail but refused to leave the property. I saw that one when I got in this morning. I saw that one when I got in this morning, and there was too many tweets behind, but someone had just, I saw a tweet from a comic, and I couldn't find it. He just made a tweet saying, I hate moving so much. If I was jail, I'd probably just stay there. And then I read that. That's fucking beautiful. But I couldn't remember who fucking tweeted it.

Jail is a lot nicer than a lot of places in Bisbee. But when you're discharged from jail, it's up to you, right? How do you get where you're going to go? Punch a cop in the face. You actually get money from the prison system to leave, but they send you to where the closest city that you say you got family or somewhere where you can stay. And then your probation starts there. Really?

Or parole. Honolulu. At Kenny Ford Mayor. Sounds like a more informed candidate than Derek. Sounds like a paid vacation. It's really not a paid vacation. Trust me. If they're going to send you to Honolulu. They're going to get you a job, depending on what you did in prison,

to learn something for your qualifications. Where do you get a job as a bitch, Kenny? Anyway. Oh, that's Miami Dade? I can't even focus, so just read it. I can't read it because I don't know what the fuck it says. I'm going to misread the name one way or the other. No.

Lee or D? Lee. Lee. Lee. Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a fucked up... This isn't that last chunk of the Please Be.

We never read. But we're reading this one for a reason. of the please be we never read the the we're reading this one for a reason lee farner 19 bisbee was booked into jail charged with violation of promise to appear lee farner how do i know that name oh well i know how i know that name isn't your dad eric f? Yeah. So you went to jail. Hope you didn't fuck up anyone else's day by doing that this time, Farner. Okay, go ahead. That was personal spite. Allegedly.

I feel like that was an inside joke. It was secondhand spite. Actually, fourth hand spite yeah there's a few heads but i i read it and i knew who i was defending on that cat is leaning down somebody marked up the police beat and marked out letters, so I don't know what they say. Dude. I know what I'm doing. It looks like someone wrote in Klingon on the ice.

Yeah. That was pre-first drink, by the way. That's a shaky line. In police beat news closer to home, a loose dog showed up in the caller's backyard on Black Knob View. Black Knob View? That's where the Chaley's live, right next door to us. Suicide house. Yeah, behind you.

Must have been Henry. What else is going on? Trespassing was suspected as a residence on Hazard Street. But that's our other house. That's the quiet house. Jesus Christ, what's going on? Again, Stanhope, a small Mazda that had been asked to move previously was parked again in front of a residence on Black Knob View.

It's still closer still again. You have a Mazda, sir. I believe you own a Mazda, sir. Does it get any worse? I'm afraid it does, still again. You have a Mazda, sir. I believe you own a Mazda, sir. Does it get any worse? I'm afraid it does, Stan. A mailbox was vandalized on Van Dyke Street. Van Dyke Street? We're right here on Van Dyke Street.

It's only three blocks long. Get out of the house. The police beat is coming from inside the house. Shed shake. The news isn't worth it. Police beat is coming from inside the house. Shed shank. The news isn't worth it. Save yourself. Save us all.

Lock the doors. We'll be back with another podcast if we survive this apocalypse. When the sun in the morning creeps over the hill and kisses the roses round my windowsill then my heart fills with gladness when I hear the trill of the birds in the treetops on Mockingbird Hill

Tra-la-la-dee-dee-dee-dee, it gives me a thrill To wake up in the morning to the Mockingbird's trill Tra-la-la, twiddly-dee-dee, there's peace and goodwill You're welcome as the flowers on the Mockingbird Hill La-da-da, la-da-da, la-da-da, la-da-da on the Malkin Bird Hill.