The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #144: The Killer Termites Get Shat Upon

Episode Date: June 11, 2016

A Bisbee Observer Letter to the Editor shits on the Killer Termites. Doug goes over it with Chad, Kristine Levine and Chaille.Recorded June 03, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), The "Prime Minister of North America" and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Write to Abigail in prison: Abigail Hill #1995104 Carol Young Unit 5509 Atwater, Ave. Dickinson, TX 77539   Jimmy's Hot Dog Co. - https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jimmys-Hot-Dog-Co/161165403906292   Tucson Saguaro's - @TucsonSaguaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Let's, uh, shall we podcast? We already are. Christine Levine says, I could podcast and promote my career, but that would require getting out of a chair. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'll do it then. We have a chair for you.

Get her a LaBelle. I need a fat chair. Get her a Danny. No, no, she needs a fat chair. Doug, Doug, instead of calling it a fat chair, can we call it a four-corner? Oh, thanks. No, we'll call it a LaBelle. A LaBelle.

Danny LaBelle was the guy that bent the other chairs. That's right. So we'll call it a LaBelle. I like these better anyway because they don't have sides so I can kind of spill over. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's real nice. I don't feel constrained. I think they researched their fat chairs.

I like them too. Yeah, they're real good. Nice job, you guys. Nice job for a bunch of skinnies. Not bad. We're tired of cleaning up broken, bent chairs. Good, finally. I'm glad I wasn't the one who did it too.

Oopsie. There's still one that's questionable from the other night but i won't talk about it i guess the red one yeah okay yeah no but that was already questionable from labelle did somebody strategically place that one there or did that just get sat on by accident well we have so many fucking stools now because I replaced, I put four fat stools in. Mm-hmm. Four LaBelles. Four LaBelles because, well, we have quite a bit

of fat friends and... We're fat friendly in the fun house. Well, the problem was there was a fat friend over that wasn't enough of a friend to say, hey, can you please get up so we can give you a fat chair? So we just had to endure it. Yes.

We're diplomats here. We shouldn't have people that we can't say, hey, get in a fat chair. That's what I think. We should be on that level. We shouldn't even have to be drunk to be able to tell people here, hey, you're too fat for that chair. Move to this chair. If we don't

know you that well, that's a comfortable conversation. You shouldn't be here anyway. And that's my fault because I get drunk and say, yeah. We're not installing a scale at the gate. I've been wanting to tell you for far too long and not really on a podcast. And plus, it's detrimental to

my own situation. But you're far too fucking nice you gotta fucking dick it up a little bit i yeah but i get i roller coaster through moods yeah we've been trying to get him to dick it up a little as you say for a while and then it started whoa whoa who's trying to put me out of a job? Not you. Not you. Not you. But I mean, you know, there are some of us that have been like, you know, Dr. Dims wasn't a great idea, babe. And then it started then. Well, first of all, Dr.

Dims was in the MySpace days, and I thought I confused him with Drumwild. Which was also a mistake. I'm not going to say that. He might listen to the podcast. Who's Dims? Was he the guy that showed up? He was the guy at the Death Valley party that we put on trial. But Drumwild, we always needed a drummer.

Right, that's true. So I go, all right, yeah, I kind of used you. But I got the wrong guy. So I invited Dr. Dims. It's a long story. Yeah, I make some bad choices. But you know what? That's okay. I fixed it. I fixed it. I fucking handled Dr. It's a long story. Yeah, I make some bad choices, but you know what? That's okay.

I fixed it. I fixed it. I fucking handled Dr. Dems. You killed him? Well, I didn't kill him, but I set the stage for the murder of him. All right. You know what? No more people like that, and then Chad Shank has to go.

No, no, no. Because I invited Chad Shank blind like that too. That's what I prefaced my statement. I mean, that's... At his own detriment. I'm part of that. At his own detriment. Yes, you did say that.

Yeah, well, we're... We bat 99%. But it could be done better. You mean we bat like 900? Yeah, it would... Oh, are you using a basketball term? I don't know. You mean we bat like 900? Yeah. Oh, are you using a basketball term? I don't know. There's very few douchebags that are like standout douchebags that show up here.

Yeah. But I'd like to think that you would trust my judgment on that at least. So if a guy walks into the yard and I say... For instance instance a hypothetical if a guy walked in and i said hey there's a guy coming in the gate and i don't know who he is which is not an uncommon situation because i don't know everybody that you know could have happened the other day it could happen any day but it'd be nice if you guys would look and go i don't know that guy either and let me know or say yeah we know that guy because there's no need for you to go out and see who the guy is if you don't

know him i should go out and see him for the record we were in the midst of hating doing this book on tape and everyone wanted a reason to go, oh, I'll go see who that guy is. No, I'll go see who it is. Any chance for a break where we could turn on the AC? Oh, my God. Yeah, that might have been the worst. The heat.

I got, well, I was pretty fucked up, but just the heat in here would get so bad. First two days before we got a rhythm. Your face physically changes where you just get hanged dog like cartoon. What's that? Droopy dog. I don't know what I'm doing here.

Yeah, I feel it. I try to fight it. You've done pretty good. I've been here for a lot of days in a row uh killer termites game we have another one on sunday every sunday i looked i to double check it's every sunday through july we're not gonna do that open invite that was Killer Termites Day. May 29th. Yeah. First one I was around to be at. There was one before that. I don't know how it went, but that was a fucking fun game. And there's

another game coming up all through July 24th. Every Sunday at 1. And we'll hang out for the game, but we can't do that one killer termite's day. You can let the dog in. She's standing right by the fire pit. Like the fire pit.

That was a good day. It was a lot of people. It was so much fun, but I don't want to. No. It's such a comedown from having a day that long. And then we went straight into this, and we finished this, and then tomorrow is going to be recovery day before football, but tomorrow night's UFC.

You mean before baseball? Before baseball. I mean baseball. Sorry, what did I say? Football. Football. People are going, wow, this must be an old podcast. All right, let me do that again.

Before baseball. Can you put the inflection on ball? Hit it on ball. Anyways, tomorrow is going to be recovery day before baseball on Sunday and then tomorrow's UFC. Who's fighting? Oh, it's a good one. It's a good one. It's the two short guys.

Yeah, Faber and Cruz. Last Sunday was a dog. You're not going to know who the fuck they are anyway. You'd recognize them. We've been looking forward to this one this is actually a good one I'm in I'll be up it'll be recovery day in that I'll sleep

I'll drug myself to sleep up until kickoff of your UFC kickoff UFC football. They kick two balls instead of one. Boy, do they. Waka, waka.

So what else is going on, Doug? Christine Levine is what I wanted to get to. Oh. You have a CD coming out? Yeah, I do, finally. I'm actually doing it. I'm at home right now in Tucson. Thanks.

And I have been going over my notes and, you know, like editing. I've been editing it and, you know, listening to the parts that I don't like. And I've got to be honest with you, I really like all of it. I hate this out of my own voice. I think a lot of people do. But the comedy is solid. I'm listening to it because now it's been a year and a half since I recorded it. So now it's like I'm listening to someone else talking.

But I still think that the comedy is good. And I'm like, man, that's pretty funny. Even the stuff where I make fun of my parents a little bit. And by the way, I love my parents, but I make fun of them. And I'm like, man man that's really funny i want to leave it in so bad but i don't think they'd take it right so i don't know they listen to your comedy i don't know i don't know if they would or not they watch the they watch portlandia which is kind of weird some people think i don't know tell them that's your comedy yeah that's it Some people think that they're... I don't know. Tell them that's your comedy. Yeah, that's it, bro. Some people think that the people around them, closest to them, don't listen to the podcast.

And then all of a sudden, you find out you're wrong on the worst possible podcast. Right, exactly. Better safe than sorry would be my advice to you, Christine. And I love my parents so much. But at some point point i kind of act like i kind of say that they're stupid and i don't mean that i don't mean they're not really stupid can't you just make up like uh you have a show family that you talk about yeah or is it that close to home it's really close on the nose but uh because you know i i'm i'm pretty honest about

stuff but i don't really think that they're dumb. I just, anyway, so that's one point. Are they spry enough to understand if you explain that? Yeah, they are. You have to say that for comedy purposes, Ma. That's what you do. Yeah, they're pretty savvy. My dad's real smart.

When Johnny Carson said true story, it wasn't a true story. It's for comedy. You build it up, Ma. I have to do that to my kids sometimes, too, because they'll be like, we're not that fat. We're not that. I mean, we're fat. Because they're looking at you. I know.

We're standing next to you. We're okay. But I'm like, yeah, but you guys are like, but if you're standing next to normal people, you're still disgusting. So I don't know. Do you have a copy of your CD with you? No, not with me, no. Where does one get the copy? Well, we can't get it yet because I'm still editing it, but it will be released on Stand Up Records.

No, but where can we? Because I'd love to. Oh, I have it right now. That's what I'm saying. So we can tease it. Sure, yeah. I can? Because I'd love to. Oh, I have it right now. That's what I'm saying. So we can tease it. Sure, yeah. I can get a snippet for you. And then what is your mom's email?

Well, I don't know. She's so dumb. She don't even know how to do that. Is the DUI versus date rape bid on it? No, actually. Oh, my fucking God. That bit has needed to be out for two years. It's one of the best fucking bits.

When her mom got a DUI and her dad date raped someone? Shut up, you guys. My dad's a teacher. They'll never listen to this podcast. Oh, you don't know. Okay, I hope not. Anyway, mom, dad, I love you. Well, we've introduced you as Chelsea Peretti,

so there's no way they're going to know this is you. Right, I know. God damn it. Oh, but I, so I, anyway, so I'm editing it, and it is a good, I mean, it is a good CD, I think. But a lot of the jokes like that that I didn't put on there, that I just have to put out another CD back-to-back because I do have a bulk of material that,

because I didn't release any material for so long, that I have these jokes that just, like, so I need to do another one right away. That's true. We only knew someone with recording equipment and a stage. If only we knew. If we're going to do that show down the line, we should figure out how.

Well, Shawnee's already looked into video equipment. We should at least film a trailer of a Funhaus show. You don't want to burn everyone's material, but we could put out a YouTube trailer of Erickson, just a couple minutes of Erickson, a couple minutes of a song from Mishka,

a couple minutes of Christine, Becker's gonna be here, fuck yeah, put some Becker on there, and just put a Funhaus trailer, because I'd love this place to be a venue i just have way too much shit i guess i talked to someone in la and they're they they said anything we need uh equipment wise technical wise if we want to stream it live what do we want to do basically i know i just have so many things that I'm supposed to do or want to do or should have done.

And yeah, I need focus. Don't worry about that. I think, and the reason I haven't even included you in the July 4th private show in the Funhouse is because you've got other things going on. And if your schedule takes you away, it takes you away, but we're still using your place. Someone asked me about filming a special here. And I go, well, that was just something we're talking about.

I don't know how to do it. We don't have a film crew here. We did when we filmed our tester of my old The Pop-Off Vodka Presents that hasn't come out yet. It'll come out one day. It's just a bunch of shit that I wanted to put out that I never put out. It either got cut out of shit that I wanted to put out that I never put out.

Either got cut out of other specials for time or stuff that just didn't fit in that I never recorded. The China bit, we only put that out as audio. A touching tribute to China, the wrestler. Well, she forced our hand. Yeah, she had to go and die and put out the fucking audio quick. That whole, whatever you put out on that is going to be a hell of a commercial in itself because that was fucking a great night.

We videotaped that entire night. I can't imagine the lighting making it less fucking great than it was. The lighting on the stage, the stage looked like it was a real comedy club. There's 35 people in here, including all the equipment. And the stage looks phenomenal.

But they overlit the audience. So when they do audience shots, they're more brightly lit than me. And it makes it seem very awkward. But we'll fix that. First try. It was a test. It's the first attempt. Yeah. This was never supposed to be anything.

This was just you getting. Hey, since we have a camera crew here anyway for the real special, let's do the night before and fuck off in here. And it worked great. We've had some fucking phenomenal shows. Sunday night was absolute. And it was just a pick up. No, tell her.

Last Sunday. Last Sunday. Yeah, after the Killer Termites slash Tucson Saguaro's baseball game. Baseball game. We had a bunch of people here, and Bingo played. She never plays live. Second time ever with Kelly Carpenter. With a band. And a band, Maria or something.

I don't know. It was great. The hot chick drinking whiskey straight off the plastic jug. Ben and Julius were the guitarist and drummer. I don't know the gal's name. And then Kelly. There was just people doing storytelling. It was fucking great.

That's the other great thing about here is you would never have a bad audience here. I mean, everybody who's here is so grateful to be here and you just look around and everybody's looking at each other with awe in their eyes like

this is fucking fantastic to be here for this so there would never be a bad audience for whoever wanted to be here it's just logistical shit where chaley chaley was doing the audio book with bruce we're doing fucking 12 hour days of me stuttering and fucking everything up, and then podcasting for a minute afterwards, and then Chaley would go take a nap, get up, edit the podcast, put it out, get up early to wake up, and then you're going to put what else on him while he's still doing merch fulfillment, fucking chump work,

he's fucking sweeping the goddamn patio. You're not supposed to be sweeping stuff and putting my trash out. I stop sweeping. I stop sweeping. On the way to breakfast this morning, Stan goes, I feel bad even trying to ask Chaley to go to breakfast because I don't

know if he's awake or trying to sleep or what. I stop myself from inviting you to breakfast because you do too much. Like, you might go because you had to go to breakfast. I'd go and then go, should we bring the mobile gear? Do you want to podcast? Do you want to talk over breakfast?

That's a good idea. We've been trying to focus on local businesses. Jimmy's was fucking fueled. Jimmy's Hot Dogs. Hey, let's do a spontaneous just real life commercial for Jimmy's Hot Dogs. That audio book

fueled. We'll put that. Maybe I'll take out the dedication to bingo and put in Jimmy's Hot Dogs. The grinder. That place has been here for like, have you ever eaten there, Uncle Bill? All the time.

I went when they first opened like nine years ago, and I get a hot dog, and I don't like hot dogs. No one does. It's a default food at the baseball stadium because it's all they have. That's a good hot dog. Bruce from Audible.com. Audible.com. Sign up now. I didn't know they had. Someone said, you said they have grinders.

Just the word grinder is a New England word. And I'm like, all right, fuck it, I'll try a grinder. And the last three days, all we did is put in the same order, the same thing. Audible.com got the Chicago dog. Me and Chad Shank split the Italian grinder, which I'm still eating. Is that what I had today? Yes.

Is that what I ate? Oh, my God. It's fucking incredible. This is so good. This is why I have to tell you about Jimmy's. Hang on. No, I haven't met Jimmy, but you're not on the mic. We'll talk after.

This Jimmy's thing started because I was really hungover one day, and I remember Chad coming in and saying that, wait a minute, you know they got sandwiches there, and they have a half-pound burger. I think the half-pound is after cooking, right? So I was hungover, and I remember Chad saying that. I go, Tracy, we'll go. I'm fucked.

I'm not going to go to Burger King. I'll go to Jimmy's. I walk in there on a Monday morning. They're fucking out of meat. They have no. What the fuck? You have no hamburgers before the lunch rush. And they're right across the street.

From Safeway. And I realize as I'm telling her how ridiculous this sounds, that I'm yelling at an angry ocean. There's nothing. What can she do? If they had meat, they'd do it, right? And then a week later, I go and have the hamburger, and I understand why they didn't go to Safeway.

All their fucking stuff is really fresh and whoever their supplier is, it's not from fucking around here. And their hamburger is amazing and the grinder, everything, even the chicken patty, it's not something you could go to Costco or you could, which a lot of restaurants do.

His ingredient list is fucking phenomenal and a lot of it comes from back east. So that's my, that's why I go there. Chaley didn't just do Chaley work and overmanage it. Go to Safeway, buy the meat, come in, cook the burgers for the lunch rush. If you give me three more minutes, I can go get my spatula. But I'm definitely going back there. I'm cooking this burger.

Yeah, I felt like a dick. I overtipped. They have got really good root beer, which is my thing. They import all of it. Greasy burger. Yeah, the root beer is actually from the Midwest, back east as well. So, yeah, good ingredients. Uncle Bill, we can hear you.

There's a live podcast going on. I know you can't go more than three minutes without talking, but there's a lot. I know, but you. That's not Jimmy. You're 72 years old one you think oh i'm sorry 71 71 all right then you're you're yeah you still think you're whispering you were so much that i could hear you on the podcast that he put out tomorrow. That's how loud you were whispering. Eat it, Jimmy's.

Can I tell you what I was saying? Hang on. Hang on. Uncle Bill wants to talk. This is important. This is very important about Jimmy, and it may or may not be cut out of this podcast. None of you here have ever met Jimmy? No.

Yes, I have. Go ahead. Isn't he beautiful? Jimmy's a big man, and he's from Chicago, and he's lived in the Blues District his whole life. We met him at a concert in Tucson. And just get Jimmy in here when you do your thing. You'd really enjoy this guy.

You're like Grandpa Simpson without the jokes and the writing staff. It was 19 dickity two. I got you. I got you. That was important. Thank you, Uncle Bill. I follow Uncle Bill around

with an ashtray because he's the guy that gets the eight inch ash. And I just right now while he was talking, I was trying to tap his ash with the ashtray and I just right now while he was talking I was trying to tap his ash with the ash and I missed alright this is when you come to Bisbee

you have to go over to Ward 3 they call it now that we know election season nomenclature not nomenclature nomenclature Ward 3 is San Jose the San Jose district Jimmy's Hot Dogs

938 West Highway 92 if you want to get something to go call 520 432 5911 and tell them Obscure Bisbee Obscure Productions sent you

now do we get into that or not and tell them Bisbee Obscure Productions sent you. Oh, shit! Now do we get into that or not? We're still going to milk that? Another podcast after a break. Let's take a break and discuss it. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust? Or get a patent on that million-dollar idea?

Do you need a lawyer for any reason at all? Well, why not just hire yourself? At foolforaclient.com, we make the dream of being your own attorney spring to life. When it comes to protecting your family and your future, are you going to trust some stranger with a fancy diploma on the wall? What made some attorney better than you? I'm facing felony charges for DUI

manslaughter. With foolforaclient.com, you just download pages of confusing legal speak and fill in the blanks. It's just like Mad Libs. For almost every legal affair, don't throw away your hard-earned cash on some stiff in a suit.

Go to foolforaclient.com and show up in court in your pajamas. Thanks to foolforaclient.com, I'm not allowed in Texas anymore. That's foolforaclient.com with the number 4, because someone else has the spelled out version. Part 2, Digging up Uncle Bill. Aw, if he dies. If he dies, I'm stealing his hair. He has great hair. When you die, don't worry.

Before I call 911, I'll be calling for clippers. Hey, can I just do audio books as side projects? Do you do that? Yes. Audible.com does just audible books. I think maybe we should

put a book together, Mr. Shank. Okay. That way you're not doing a book. You don't have to write it first. You just have to talk. Only Audible.com exclusive. Yeah. I'll read other people's books.

I don't give a shit. Yeah, but I'll write something. It's not exclusive to this cult, you know. Chad Shank, I would... I'll write something for you to read just for your... I would listen to his grocery list all day. I would just... What did he say?

He eats a lot, but so do you. Please hold. You'd listen to it for ideas. Oh, God damn it. Yeah, it's not for his voice. It's for ideas, is that what you said? Bacon, I never thought of that. I like biscuits and mustard.

Oh, Jesus. I had a sling blade beat. I didn't know you could do it so much better. But it was just three words. We got mother on mushrooms. And I went into some weird character that had to check the perimeter, and I kept talking like Sling Blade, and I had to read that today. I didn't know you did Sling Blade perfectly.

Thank yous. Let's get some thank yous, and I know I don't have them all. There's still fucking boxes of shit out there, but we'll get to them eventually. Eventually, we'll get caught up. Life will slow down at some point, right? Not in the near future. I do nothing and it seems so overwhelming.

But this week we actually did shit. I got a letter from prison from a girl that is doing five years for a DUI. And that means she killed someone. Yeah. Or multiple DUIs. Or she's in Dubai. I don't know. But that usually means something else happened.

Abigail, I didn't read your letter. We're becoming the Stern Show slowly, but we have less wacky whack packers, but we're getting interns that double as bartenders Tracy I go listen I get fucking I'm tired of reading we just did

40 hours of solid reading will you read this letter and see if there's anything in it no you broke it down the fucking girls she's in Texas in jail inas for five years for something dui related sodomy third third dui it's her car for sale at auction probably doesn't need it do they take a car for dui you You know what? I'm just, all I'm going to do is give out your address in prison

because there's a lot of people that listen, killer termites that listen, that have similar stories and shit going on. Do you want to touch on the Victor Farr thing, how you did that and how? No. Okay. No, I don't.

Read the book. Read the book. Read the book, yes. But yeah, first of all, don't drink and drive. It's never worth it because you're going to be that guy that blows.081 and some kid rides out in front of you with a tricycle and you crush his fucking skull where you you're perfectly sober for you his dad could throw him into the street and you would be the one going to jail not the father throwing his kid into the street it's not worth the risks on any level uh abigail hill number 199-5104, Carol Young Unit.

Who's Carol Young? You know what? We're going to dedicate this prison wing after you. She was the best guard. She was the one that didn't fuck any other male prisoners. She's so good. abigail hill number one nine nine five one zero four in the carol young unit five five zero nine at water ave dickinson texas seven seven five three nine hit pause rewind and then you're gonna rewind oh i rewind too far. Fucking podcast.

Bruce is nodding as you read that like I haven't seen him do in days. Oh, I thought he was nodding like he knew her. No, he's nodding because you just nailed that read. Good job, babe. All right, quick thank you. Someone sent me a book, Steve Turner, and I didn't read your letter either. It's something about going to the... I know you hate plays, and I know you hate the UK,

so I just dismissed the rest of it. You're not going to talk me into it, but thanks for sending me whatever you sent me. Oh, this is a play by Keith Waterhouse based on the life and writings of Jeffrey Bernard. Jeffrey Bernard is unwell. Okay, well, if you send it, if it's in the, nah, it's too small

a print, but you have tiny eyes. You read it. I do. I do have tiny eyes. You got a plug. Thanks for sending shit to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603. Send it to us. You got the Zoom reference.

Oh, yeah. WGBH Boston. Wait, what? Oh, fuck. Did I fuck up? Steve Turner. No, I see I fucked that up. But Steve Turner...

Yeah, okay. Steve Turner sent me the... The awful thing. Jeffrey Bernard is unwell by someone else. There's too many names. Okay, Stan Ope, thought of all the people. Oh, this is one of those fucking, they sell these in the south a lot. Yeah, we saw those on tour, and it was funny for a while.

Yeah, it's one of those rags you buy at the convenience store that's all mug shots. This is how I found Pandora Trinowski. Also in the book, plug, plug, plug, plug, plug. When I fucking looked up one ex-girlfriend on the internet, Pandora Trinowski. And the first thing I found was all of her mug shot pictures from like faces of meth. And the second one I saw was her obituary and I hated

being happy about that but you can't ignore your you can't force yourself to care we were talking about this with you hate people with one arm baby arm Joe some people you can you have to be polite

but if your inner instinct is to go yeah that's it that's your body telling you something yeah i gotta go all right someone sent uh that's steve w sent us a uh mugshot rag from the south and one last thing doug did you see the documentary on those uh mugshotags? No. But let me get... Tell me after this, thank you. Kevin Hurst from St. Augustine, Florida, sent us some hot sauce. It's Gator Hammock Gator Sauce. He says it goes very well with a steak.

First three ingredients? And I'm going to give this to you. Kind of like I gave Bingo's throwaway check that she used as a notepad. We must have mentioned on a podcast, one of the guys, the only story, I made sure every story in there is verifiable. And the only story was the cookie prostitution story, where I was a 17-year-old male prostitute. Cookie the person.

Yes. I thought maybe you traded sex for a cookie. The only person that was around was Keith Kingsbury for that, and I can't find him. And we must have mentioned it on a podcast because someone sent, this is where he is, here's his his address here's his phone number i don't know that i'll call him but if anyone ever cries bullshit on me i'll fucking call him this is all you got in the letter that was it this is like almost a ransom note that's what i told bruce i go it's it's written like a ransom note but the the envelope is typewritten hey uh, Chad. On a typewriter. But, Chad, read that right there. That one line.

Poor guy never got out of Worcester. You can't pronounce Worcester still. Worcester. Oh, there's an O in here. That's why. Oh. Worcester. Well, should we say the guy's name?

Senator, we're on the air. What is it again? Worcester. Worcester. Remember? Worcester. Like a wuss. I blew that one every time.

Worcester. Wait. It's a good thing it only said it 100 fucking times in the book. It's only in the book, by the way, 15 times. Hey, Doug, is this the guy's number too king yeah we can call him all right don't put it aside because i got it like when i got my uh my old wife's number and i go because i was married for like 27 years or something legally first The first, first one. Yeah. Yeah. A Vegas goof. It's in the book. Well,

everything's in the book up until 2008 because it's my fucking memoir. So I should stop saying that. No, you shouldn't. You can buy them at DougStanhope.com. Signed. Yeah, yeah.

You know what? I'm going to need to sell more merch. Anyway. And by the way, if you see that the book is sold out online that's only temporarily it's because the number has gone down and i haven't checked the website so yes we will always have signed books until uh well until someone figures out i'm signing them have you heard of anybody uh going into & Noble and doing fake autographs in your bookshelf? I have heard a lot of people say that whatever bookstore they go to

doesn't carry it, and I don't know how to change that. If you go to a bookstore or have one in your town, bitch at them and say, hey, you don't have that? Are you kidding? That's the way to do it. Yeah, I guess. And it's polite, and you ask, how come you don't have that are you kidding that's the way to do it yeah i guess and it's polite yeah and you ask uh how come you don't care this be a diplomat diplomat but if they if they have enough people going into a store a location and it's being asked for there's no

reason there's fucking they need to move books they don't store books that's a fucking library they want you to buy a book when you walk in there. And if you walk in there and ask them where the book is and they say it's not there and then you walk out, that's failure for the manager. And if enough people do that, they'll end up figuring it out. Also, be prepared for them

to look at you and say, it's 2016. You don't have fucking Amazon on your phone, you dipshit. So either way. Okay, okay. It could go either way. That could happen.

You could get a real saucy clerk, I guess. I said wait until I'm done with the thank yous. Thank you, Kevin Hurst, for the hot sauce, gator hammock. First three ingredients. Okay, first three ingredients are Louisiana-style hot sauce. I'm not kidding. They used a hot sauce to make a hot sauce. And then they added distilled vinegar, water, granulated garlic, salt, crushed pepper.

Sorry. So where do we get this Louisiana-style hot sauce that they based their recipe on? I'll tell you where you get it. At your thrift store on Bisbee Road. No, we'll try it. We always try hot sauce. Oh, she's trying it.

You now own it. Give it a shot. Oh yeah, it's Louisiana hot sauce. It's like actual... A little vinegary for Louisiana hot sauce? Yeah, and they put garlic on it. As long as it's not Tabasco. Hashtag...

No, it's good. Hashtag Tabasco sucks. Hashtag fuck Tabasco. All right, here's... We teased this on the last... The first... The A block. We teased it on one of the previous podcasts.

This is where the killer termites have been shat upon in the Bisbee Observer. He's up top. He's barking at dogs that have the pleasure of getting walked. Poor Ichabod. We took Ichabod to breakfast. He's so fat we could leave him off leash. He just sat there waiting for sausage outside the door in the shade.

You left me at home, but you took the dog to breakfast. Well, he wants you to do more work. This is a letter to the editor and you have it in front of you. So we're going to do audio book of letter to the editor. And as soon as I fuck up, you take over, Chad.

Give the date of the observer. So you just want me to start then? Hold on a second. Doug, are you mad at Doug? What's the matter with you, Chad? Give the information about this because they can find it online too. No, I don't think they can. Really?

You have to subscribe to this thing. All right. Well, it's the June 2nd edition of the Busy Observer. 2016. I think before we talk about the killer termites being slighted publicly, we should give a disclaimer and tell them to please do not react. Because last night, my idea involved fire. I don't want to say anything more than that.

That's enough. That's enough. But Stanhope... We were drunk and we were not public. But Stanhope is more of a diplomat than I am in these sorts of things. And let's leave it to him. He's in charge. He has better ways of uh calling us out

as killer termites because i i realized right away that i didn't need to use fire a lot of tweets i get and again that's why that idea of having seal team six sick seal team sick of the killer termites. The elite. You've been chosen. Just because I bitch about something, don't just go, oh, we're going to put the killer termite. Or on your own, we'll put the killer termites on it. Like, it's nice to have that ability when someone has been wronged

or needs help. And not you just because, because oh my kid has got a club foot and I want to get surgery or my dog needs some kind of fucking euthanasia I get I won't bring up

anyone specifically but someone died that was I won't say close, but then there was a GoFundMe page for a fucking young kid that died. He didn't have a fucking family. He doesn't need to be buried.

Donate his body to science, you fucking cheap prick. He doesn't need a funeral. People need cadavers to poke around with. They'll pay for all this shit. a go fund me page no i'm not gonna fucking promote that and you can only promote so many and sometimes maybe you hit a heart string and i'll go yeah fuck yeah that sounds like it and comics a lot of times hey yeah she got her fucking purse robbed and her head stoved in and now she doesn't have a car and she can't get to gigs. Yeah.

That that's personal to me cause I'm a comic. So yeah, I pick and choose my go fund me. But if I don't retweet it, it's not cause I don't care. It's I can't care that much. So don't go fucking rogue killer termites. It's great when we can do something together,

but we all have to be on the same page. I'm going to read you something i'm gonna leave a name out so you don't go fucking bat shit because i this is a local thing you got shit on look i got shit on you got shit on locally by one crazy fucking lady in town as far as i've heard she's. I haven't met her. Allegedly crazy. I wrote her a very nice email last night. I went the other way. Let me read it first. Response to dubious honor. To the editor. I wrote the letter below in response to the...

I already fucked up. There you go, Chad. I wrote the letter below in response to an article in the Bisbee Daily Review of May 1st, 2016. For some reason, I decided not to submit it for publishing at that time. Since then, I've been on my annual trip to visit family in the Midwest. For the first time in my 32 years living in Bisbee, my return home did not make me giddy with happiness and energy.

I thought this might be because we've invited those people I moved away from to come to town in droves. This made me realize something else that surprised me. I didn't submit my letter because for the first time in my 32 years in Bisbee, I felt afraid.

That can't be a good way to live. So here it is. In reference to Bisbee's dubious recent honor of being chosen as USA Today's best small town, USA Today's best small town. Aren't termites insects that consume people's homes until no foundation remains? Thanks, Doug. I've been told that if you have nematodes in your yard's soil, your tomato plants will die from the roots up.

But you won't have termites. If this is so, perhaps we need a radical nematode revolution. Perhaps our first act can be publishing maps to celebrities' homes. Not surprisingly, Doug lives in Warren, not old Bisbee. Anybody know his address? Trying to remain myself in Bisbee. No. Name redacted. Name redacted because I have to.

Well, we don't know how to deal with this. We went through a million things. We could do this. We could do that. And I, at the end of the night, said, let's take the polite approach. And I'll just... Okay. I just want to say one thing about the killer termites.

Like, what they are capable of doing. And what this person does not understand. I just want to say one thing about the killer termites, like what they are capable of doing and what this person does not understand. One time somebody just screwed me out of like $200 at a gig, and I may have tweeted it to you or told you about it, and within 24 hours I had the person who screwed me, I had their name and how much money they had in their bank account and their match.com password.

So do not fuck with the termites because they're crazy. You want to call them nematodes? You want to fucking act like they're garbage? No, no, she's saying nematodes... Aren't they a parasite though? No, she's saying we need nematodes eat termites and she's trying to radicalize the locals.

There's a lot of people in Old Bisbee that don't want new people here. Do you think, first of all, the USA Today Best Historic Small Town vote didn't even make it into the USA Today. That's on the website that you voted on next to the best green chili cheeseburger in New Mexico. That's an actual fact. So yeah, it's a nice thing to put on your resume.

It doesn't mean shit. I have a similar resume. Me too. They act like oh oh now that we're now we're in the usa today's top 10 oh yeah you know what all these people are gonna find a real estate agent there's a three-week waiting list just to look at an open house or one of these fucking piece of shit houses that you live in try to find it try to find a place that's serving food at nine o'clock on a sunday in this town oh yeah yeah i mean we're not really that concerned but there's people that have that mindset this is as i i i forensically disassemble this first of all for the first time

in 32 years senator what happened exactly 32 years ago? 1975, what happened to Bisbee? The mines closed. Yes, the mines closed and these fucking artists moved in. Right.

How's your fucking turquoise belt buckle selling? Not so good, is it? So you are the person, you're yelling at yourself 32 years ago. Asshole. That's number

one. Oh, wait. I should have circled all this shit while you were reading it. I love coming back from the Midwest or wherever and not giddy. Yeah, and she's so unhappy and all that energy. Doug, you've been in the tropics. Why do you go back?

Why do you fucking leave? You've been in the tropics in a third world country where it's nothing but pineapples and fucking pie gal and you come back giddy because you come back because you want to be here. If you're coming back not giddy, is it because we were voted the best?

A dubious honor that you didn't earn? You all of a sudden entered through a curtain that you didn't like? What the fuck? The idea that she's writing letters to the editor makes it apparent she probably doesn't even know how the internet works. She's a person who writes to Dear Abby and then buys the newspaper every day.

Just waiting to see her letter gets chosen and thinks there's a dear Abby. Why doesn't Abby write me back? She's so, I love the way she looks. She's so personal. I was still wondering who is those people that she moved away from that you invited back. I'm not clear.

I assume it's the people she's going back to visit every fucking year. Right. My family. Now my family wants to come here. I only have to go there once a year. I tell them it's a shithole here, and you've now told them it's nice. They can read it. It's in the USA. Well, it's nice they can read it it's in the usa well it's not

even in the usa today they have the internet and this this dropped just like two days too soon because when she writes at the end oh wait first the fucking best part of this. Perhaps our first act can be publishing maps of celebrity homes. Does anybody know his address? Yes. Everybody. Everybody. I'm getting letters from prisons because I put out 212 Van

Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona on all social media on my podcast because we like mail and it's weird when we get a weird visitor and if I'm in the mood, hey, we've made a few friends doing that. People completely sequestered from society

that actually smoke cigarettes where the tobacco was smuggled in, keistered into the prison. They have your address. They have my address and they can stop by when they finally get released. And she needs a Celebrity Maps home. Not surprisingly, and for the listener, when she says not surprisingly,

Doug lives in Warren, not old Bisbee. What? Warren is part of Bisbee. In case you think, but there's, you know, there's, and that's why it dropped just too late because we could have had Kenny or Derek for mayor. Neither of them got enough signatures, but there might be a way to do write-in.

But if she's that hung up on he lives in Warren, like is one of those candidates should have proposed to build a wall between old Bisbee and Warren. Of course he lives in Warren. Fuck you. I had such a nice diplomatic email. I wrote to her and I was waiting to get her email address from a mutual

friend and i got it and then in the morning i woke up and i fucking hated her right away again and i'm like you know i don't have to always be a fucking diplomat you you could have fucking called me my my if you google d Stanhope address, it's the first thing that comes up on Google. You could have stopped by. You could have fucking called. And hand delivered her fake fucking letter. Listen, it's certainly

you assume that it's easy to pick out your house. You can fly over this place in an aeroplane. And they have. And you know where it is on google maps because i forgot what your address was and so just for fun i was great let's find it on google maps and i zeroed in i just did bisbee arizona and i zeroed in right in on it i know exactly you can tell exactly where your house is from just if you know what it looks the right move

is to actually just reach out like i have that email saved and go hey let's just have a conversation i don't know you must have me misconstrued as to i thought i was doing a positive thing by just getting there getting that title and it gave the killer termite something to do and we had fun making it number one when it shouldn't be number one don Don't worry, name redacted. People will show up here, take a look around and go, oh, fuck this. And then next year, it won't be. It's pretty for a day.

I just really wanted to say, though, that the killer termites are capable of miracles. They are capable of astounding devastation. That's true. And this person does not know what the fuck they're dealing with. You have no idea how much this really did upset me last night. Yeah. All the other fucking problems I've had in my life, this really fucking hurt.

Because I try. This is your home. And the killer termites. Termites destroy foundations. You know what? First of all, look up the reason they're called killer termites. Hopefully that's now on my Wikipedia page. They build houses.

The killer termites, that girl, the legendary story, Rebecca Witzman, that said, actually, Wolf Blitzer, I'm an atheist. We started a GoFundMe on that, and they raised $127,000. I doubt this person is a church-going person. She's an artist. The killer termites built the toilets or were responsible for getting the toilets. Helped a lot. Without the seed money, they couldn't have got the grant.

Killer termites get the seed money for the toilets at the Warren Ballpark. Killer termites, they destroy prejudice. I forget exactly what the example was when I was writing all this shit down, but yeah. Uh, Oh, that they got their name killer termites from some awful journalist. I say in huge quotations in the UK. Oh yeah. That lady that was, yeah.

Did an op-ed piece about shitting on some guys fighting for the right to die. A guy who had locked in syndrome who could only communicate by blinking at a screen and she wrote some he was suing for the right to die and she's just shit on him you know what i don't know what his problem is other people have this disease stephen hawking comes to mind and i i just wrote i just I put out a tweet with a link to it, and I went, look at what this cunt said about this poor bastard. You can't blink yourself to death. He needs assisted suicide.

Most people can just do it themselves. He can't. And I just said, look at what this cunt wrote with a link, And I just said, look at what this cunt wrote with a link. And they piled on her on Twitter and just destroyed her. And then she wrote a follow-up article about cyberbullying. I think I just said this on a podcast, but I'm saying it again so people know. It's worth repeating. I mean, there's a history to it.

So she wrote that his fans came at me like a pack of killer termites. And that's what coined the name killer termites. Because they fight injustice. As a team. As a team. A community, if you will. Yeah.

Some guy made a website where he just stole my entire life. Quoted bits or Troy Holm. Yeah, Troy. Oh, I remember. Troy Holm. He's no longer there.

Don't worry. No, if you Google him, he comes up on the first page of Google. I think it's Urban Dictionary. He tried to steal my entire persona. The whole transvestite hooker story or something he changed he passed it off as he passed it off as himself yeah he did steal verbatim me not not all parallel thinking exact stories word for word from website updates. Cut and paste. Just change out. And they fucking, yeah, they destroy fraud.

They build homes. They fucking look out for bad people. And when we can team up, that's what killer termites do, asshole. And I guess I'm only going to have to speak for myself and not the uh doug stanhope podcast right now but one of the things that bothered me that she said was uh she didn't submit her letter because for the first time in her life she felt afraid terrified and uh knowing that i'm part of the killer termites and a lot of the other killer termites you fucking should be afraid then if you're gonna fucking act like that that's what i'm saying no knowing that I'm part of the killer termites and a lot of the other killer termites, you fucking should be afraid then if you're going to fucking act like that.

No, that's what I'm saying. No. Whoa, I'm terrified. That's why I thought... That was one of the worst things I thought about her. She might be a bit crazy, and I know she's fucking cranky. Then you don't pick fights with people

you already know you should be afraid of. No, she should feel protected. And that's why I wanted to reach out and go, hey, listen, let's have a discussion. Because a lot of people think, fuck, I don't want to bring up, there's a lot of fucking rumors that go around because we never leave the house. So God knows what people think. So it would be nice to have a discussion first. You know, I think it would be wrong if we didn't at least highlight the one positive of this.

And I know you guys realize it. It's just maybe I need to say it. This person actually highlighted on something that even the city council was unable to give you credit for which was the historic small town and the killer termites and right here thanks doug oh all right, all right. Yes. All right. I mean, it was Bee Bisbee Day, I know, slash Killer Termites Day. And we have a city manager saying, oh, we'll take care of you. Oh, this will happen.

Oh, it was our fuck up kind of thing. No, the city manager's cool. I just didn't follow up on it. I know. Listen, thanks, Doug. So there's a little silver lining there's a silver lining that yes killer termites did get credit for a shitty letter to the editor i know hey if we blur out your face and change your voice do you know this person no this is uh the governor of arizona is here i know

governor of america i'm sorry you want me to do a commissioner we can if you if you want to talk hold on hold on stop stop let's take a break all right let's take a break we'll figure out what we're gonna do break okay hey this is doug stanhope and for those of you who uh ask me when i uh occasionally check my uh uh internet can i get a signed copy of the book yes you can if you already have the book wait till i go on tour but if you want a signed copy right now go to doug stanhope.com, go to the merch page, and Chaley has them, or go to whatever page Chaley has them on, because he makes this podcast work, and he's selling the things, and I sign them all day when I'm trying to watch hockey.

Why do I watch hockey? Because I hate basketball, but I also watch basketball. I'm trying to do whatever I can do to not work. I'll be working soon, but that's against my will. So go to DougStanhope.com and order a book that I had to sit here and sign when I was otherwise trying to watch a sporting event that I don't like while I'm drinking. Thank you. We're back from a break. Cocktails are made. I just want to go back and mention that the threatening tones of our hubris about you should be afraid of the killer termites.

That wasn't about you should be afraid for your life or a fire starting accidentally. No, no, not at all. I was only saying that that was the only portion of the letter that actually made sense. If knowing what the killer termites are capable of, that's a reasonable thing to be afraid of, but not in a physical way. I wouldn't want to be an enemy of the killer termites. And I don't want a name obscured to be an enemy of the killer termites either. No, I'm afraid of the killer termites.

That's why when, because they get riled up and they're a very tenacious niche. Again, I want to find another word other than fan base and they're not even an audience they're a fucking cult fuck it we're a cult god damn it I'm not even the leader

it's a communist cult because no one's in charge we're socialists we're a socialist cult point being that yeah that's why you do shit like, hey, let's make Bisbee number one as a goof, just because there's no other way they would be number one.

Let's see if we can do it. And this woman is acting like everyone's going to drive down and start fucking gentrifying the place. Yeah, really? That's plan B. Yeah, and that'll happen in warren it's not gonna happen in old bisbee yeah people are gonna say oh i have to walk up 95 stairs to bring my groceries not my fat fuck audience no they'll move over here if anywhere and we're gonna build that goddamn wall to get some insight on this person

because I only know her through mutual friends and she's a bit of a crab apple from what I've heard. A crab apple. Write that in your next letter. He called me the C word. All right, we have a, we have a, he's the prime minister of North America. So we're going to have to shield his identity.

Tell us what you know firsthand about your dealings with this woman. Name redacted, which is her actual name. That's what makes it so hard. You've dealt with this woman. On different levels. hard. You've dealt with this woman? On different levels, absolutely. You know, in the dietary form, she would bake bread and sold it in a co-op.

It's an interesting piece of floor art that you would put next to a door, keep it open. But her personality? I'm doing an impression of her right now, though. She is full of life and energy. Why would she put this in the newspaper? Do you think she's really afraid that the USA Today dumb online pool that never actually went into the newspaper at all is going to fuck up her town?

Well, she's definitely prone to, as of late, some paranoia, absolutely. So I don't see her like people of that age and that ilk and that year, that third decade. Roughly what age? 60 plus, maybe. They're tired of a lot of things. It seems outwardly they claim to be more libertarian, but they don't want to pay any more for things that are going on, and they want no more.

They don't want anybody else coming down here. The people that would come because of that, no one says, oh, I want to move somewhere different. Let's find a small historic town off an obscure website. They come down and they spend money and they fuck off. I mean, when we did this special that we filmed in November that hopefully will be coming out soon, yeah, shitloads of people came down,

spent shitloads of money, bought art. Actually, at the merch booth, someone bought me an art piece they had made that day in town. Some artist. The fucking killer termites do everything you want them to do except see shitty theater. Oh. I'm sorry.

No. Don't be sorry. Be silly, Doug. No, and she does do theater. And she directs theater. And it's been going in that direction. You know, to be a little more circumspect and paranoia. And it's interesting and sad because, you know, we're all here for the very reason that they were.

Maybe they got here 10, 20 years before us, but it's a kooky town. You know, the people are the best part of this town, and then their absolute biggest enemies are themselves. their absolute biggest enemies are themselves. And it's just, it's a dichotomy that, you know, we can spin it any way we want. You know what? I know your voice is obscured, Fred Miller, but the thing is, that was a lie and a joke.

But yeah, it really hurt me. Like, I'm here for the same reasons. I understand you don't like my art, lady from the paper, as much as I don't like yours, but we're both on the same page. Absolutely. Yeah. Did she use the word celebrity in there? Yes, she did.

Publishing maps to celebrities' homes. Really? Do you think I'm a celebrity? I moved here because I was a failure. She also uses the word nematode repeatedly, so I guess maybe now I kind of feel sorry for her. Instead of fire, maybe we can stand outside with a TV beacon and just shut her TV off repeatedly.

Oh, wait. All right. I'll just shut my mouth about the whole subject because the killer termites can work both sides of the fence. There's a line from Abby Hoffman's biopic with Janine Garofalo. He said the worst part about being a liberal is you see both sides of the argument. And I bet some killer termites can send some killer nematode stickers and signs we can put around town. Hosts. Hosts. The radical nematode revolution, to quote from her article.

Oh, radical nematode. You say the word. Radical nematode revolution. That's how she put it. Yeah, radical. You're going to have to Google image search what a nematode is. But in her diatribe here, she says that they kill tomatoes. So maybe later on, nematodes will kill your tomatoes from the roots

up, I believe she said. And then maybe we have the pro tomato people come in after the nematodes, and we'll just make it silly. And it'll still be funnier and more entertaining than any play she's ever fucking directed.

Fred Miller. I'm just going to keep calling you Fred Miller because he doesn't have a sense of humor about this. Fred Miller. That was one of my ideas. Do I do the soft route? Do I do the hard route? Do I go goofy? But one of my favorite ideas was to stage a play just as an open letter, like a 30-minute one-man show,

just going against everything that's wrong with this letter, but do it dressed like Mark Twain, the fucking white beard, and do it all theater style, and stage my own one-night-only one-man show as an open letter. And that's still in play. So, Killer Termites.

Stand down. Stand down. Stand down. Mail the, if you want to come up with some, say it again, the nematodes. Radical nematode revolution. Yeah, just if you make that so we can put stickers around town. We'll have those stickers available on... Oh, send them to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

We need artwork, yeah. Yeah, send some artwork, but just keep it off social media because no one here listens to a podcast. When Margo first came on the podcast, she dressed up and put on lipstick, and as she's walking into the house, she goes, do I have to actually get in a pod? So yeah, let's keep this on the podcast.

Yeah, and you know what? If you're watching this on our video feed, you can see that his face has been blurred out. Tell us the link so we can watch it. Video feed? Where's that video feed? Just fucking with you. Chad Shank, at HDFatty. Christine Levine, at Christine with a K.

Levine, or is there an underscore? No, it's all one word. Thank you. At Christine Levine. You got dates coming up? No. July 4th At Christine Levine. You got dates coming up? No. July 4th. Then Booker.

Oh, July 4th. Yeah, I just agreed to do that. Yeah. Booker. Yeah, tweet her and get her a gig. She'll play your living room, I bet. I would. If you're not creepy.

Oh. Yeah. You can be creepy. At Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. At Egg Lester. That's Tracy. Tracy's the most fucking underappreciated, underannounced person. No, continue.

Continue with that. She should get the credit. Spell Egg Lester for me. I called you Eggleston forever, and you go, no, it's Egg Lester. It's E-G-G-L-E-S-T-E-R. All Spell Egg Lester for me. I called you Eggleston forever. No, it's Egg Lester. E-G-G-L-E-S-T-E-R. All right, Egg Lester. And do you have a... Audible.com, for fuck's sake.

We'll just plug your company so you stay in business. All right. Bruce from Audible.com and Periscope. My Periscope, I do have a Periscope now, so we can start doing weird shit. It's at Doug Stanhope. You can also subscribe to at HDFatty and at Greg Shaley. And I believe Brian Hennigan has one as well.

I don't think Fred Miller has a Twitter account. But you can see him at Cafe Roca, the best restaurant in town. If you want a high dollar Bisbee experience right down the streets, right down the street from some shitty theater production. Fucker, I've promoted

her goddamn plays and she shits on me like this. Alright, that's a that's a podcast. Let's have cocktails. No, thank God. Hang on. So come to Bisbee, the best small historic town in America, according to something no one will ever see.

Stay at the Shady Dell Trailer Park. Have breakfast at Morning's Cafe, lunch at Jimmy's Hot Dogs, and then dine in Cafe Roca in Old Bisbee. That way you hit Warren, San Jose, and Old Bisbee, all of Bisbee. You stay at the Shady Dell. And then you know what?

Buy a house and make it real nice and gentrify the fucking place just to piss off that one lady till she dies and grow tomatoes Party time Party time Party time Party time Drink your drinks and eat your eats It's party time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats.

It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues. It's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes. It's party time. Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, it's party time. One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fucks, Here we go! Party time!

Party time! Party time! Yeah! Party time! Party time! Party time! Yeah! Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Fred Miller did not appear and was never present during this recording or ever in the Funhouse.