The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #145: Reminiscing about Pants Shitting/Peeing, Uppers and the Good Ol' Days

Episode Date: June 12, 2016

Reminiscing about Pants Shitting/Peeing, Uppers and the Good Ol' DaysRecorded June 07, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Patricia, Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.   LINKS:   Tucson Saguaro's - @TucsonSaguaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I'll listen this time. We're not doing, this is just podcast. Now we're just fucking off. Now it's an episode. Episode 175, 200,.4. We're in the 140s. Wow. We're in the.40s.

We're in the 140s without counting. We're in the.40s. We're in the 140s without counting. We're in our 40s. Without counting the tin can rehab. Because those were 30-some, and we never count those. Or the 10-minute podcast. Tin can rehab, as I look at Patty with her aluminum foil hat. It's to keep the voices out. All right, here's what happened.

We had to do an audio book, and we decided to do it. Chad Shank's doing half of it. I'm doing half of it. Other people are reading different parts. As you know, we have people that are in the book coming in, so we can do director's commentary where we can pause what I wrote and then get feedback. I remember it differently.

So Patty is one of the many people that will be here and one of the most important people. The most important person that will actually talk to me still. Actually, her position in your life is, wow, I think probably one of the most.

Like the whole connection. So the Venn diagram, she would be the most colored in part of like mother, you, and your time in Hollywood. Yeah, and that's all people care about. It's the downfall. It was great. I loved it. We had a fucking great time so uh p waits we'll call her that's what we call her that's how she's on my license plate

thanks to doug stanhope i called you p waits before you did that was your old email address. No, that was the alt.comedy.standup. That was my screen name. Oh, my God. Alt.comedy? Alt.comedy.standup. Yeah. That's 1999 or 2000. And then when we actually got to know each other in person

and then also simultaneously through the thing. Well, that's why Mamu is Mamu. Yeah, that's why she's Mamu. We have to call her Christine Levine now because now she's trying to get books. High and mighty and shit. Chaley mispronounces everything and always calls her Mamu.

I go, it's... No, Mamu. Mamu, he says. It's Mamu, like Shamu. Is it that hard to put that together? She's a large woman. I grew up in California. I think I was being sensitive.

He thinks it's rude. He thinks it's rude. How dare you, sir. I remember during the all.comedy.standup days, whenever she would post, someone would post a picture of Shamu and be like, I feel bad that this is what I think of every time I see one of your posts. See? See how rude

that is? And she was like, I'm not offended. It's Mamas. It's Mamas. I'm not offended. There's so many people to this day Chaley has one of his emails is Briscoe Flat. Hinty was Hintyson.

And they all have these stories about what this stupid fucking name means. And they're never interesting enough to retain. Why would you pick Briscoe Flat as a fucking email address? Do you know when I actually secured that fucking Yahoo address? Like he fought for it. Like he had to arm wrestle a dude. I did it in like 92. That's how far back I was actually working on an email presence.

Okay? I had no idea what was going to happen. But I still have G Shaley now. It doesn't fucking matter. But that to happen but I still have G. Shaley now it doesn't fucking matter but that's just what I've had forever everyone can spell Chaley everyone spells Brisco it's why Louis C.K. is Louis C.K.

because C.K. is the phonetic pronunciation that's how you pronounce his last name but no one can spell his last name whiskey coke I think we're doing anyway we're doing this podcast

at the end of night one of wrapping up some director's commentary and it's so much more fun than doing the fucking book I hope they keep more of the shit we're just talking about the book i spent over eight hours today just cataloging what all the files were and uh

like putting it on paper what we went through so many times i would have to pull up a file to reference and i would just go click like like imagine a linear representation of the file and click click click and hitting nothing but silence click click click where the do we fucking talk during this fucking file it's 48 minutes long and there's no talking yeah there was a lot of and then uh and then if there was talking it ended up being the mumble let me redo this verse real quick. It was fucking brutal, Patty. I can't read. So imagine now having to listen to that multiple times

to glean out the best parts. Why is this your job? No, not me. The poor bastard Brian and Bruce have to go do that over at audible so yeah i feel you but it sounds great i i have to tell you listening back to uh you and uh shank i'm actually listening to it and then i would like keep listening and i'm like this is entertaining this is good i mean without the fuck ups i mean i would pull that out but I'm like yeah this is good we did alright Chad Shank saved your bacon

I was laughing dispossessed of the fact that this is what I wrote I'm like oh Chad Shank made this funny you'll meet him tomorrow I'm excited tomorrow we were trying to save ourselves for tomorrow i was trying to

pace myself let's not get too wrecked because tomorrow sarah's gonna be here and that's gonna be a fun it'll be one chunk yeah it's only 10 30 oh and i do have three adderall it's very funny when you said that oh you can cut out Adderall. It's a legal drug right now. Like somewhere in the future, like when heroin was legal and they would give it at pharmacies. Oh, it's heroin cola. And then you read back 100 years later, they just did heroin openly?

Oh, my God. I just saw an episode of that Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll show on FX with Dennis Leary. Yeah, yeah. And John. He's an aging rocker trying to get back in with his family. Yeah. Yeah, and his daughter is like, oh, no, you got to go cold turkey. Like, no booze, no drugs, no anything. And then his bass player is like, he's like, hey, no, you got to go cold turkey, like no booze, no drugs, no anything.

And then his bass player is like, he's like, hey, man, I know you have drugs. And he opens up like a duffel bag. And it's like, oh, these are so I don't get too happy. These are so I don't get too sad. These are so I don't forget. These are for anxiety. These are blah, blah, blah. These are so I don't kill myself. These are so I don't forget. These are for anxiety. These are blah, blah, blah. These are so I don't kill myself.

These are so I don't kill anybody else. That's Chad Shank. Except without the drugs. He just does it by force. But then the bass player's like, yeah, I really want to have a song on this album. And he's like,

well, I'll trade you some. What do you got? We can make a deal. And he's like, well, I'll trade you some. Like, what do you got? Like, we can make a deal. And he's like, this is Adderall. It's like a five-hour coke high, but it's just one pill. And he's like, yeah, I'll do that. And I was like, yep, that's about it. That sounds great.

Yeah. Who's got it? What? Adderall Jack, but last time he only had Xanax. So we only have three Adderall left for the rest of this tour. We'll see who has to talk the most. One being Chad Shank. I remember that night. I got nothing.

Oh, yeah, that night. Oh, the Adderall night. I got nothing. Oh, yeah, that night. Oh, the Adderall night. I need to piece together some of this. All right. I do too. I remember we started. We're in Los Angeles and by we, I'm not there. You're not there. I heard about this.

I can't even. Listen, this is how bad it is. I remember I went to L.A. for a reason. I do not remember why i went to la after the last like 36 hours because we went we went to have that effect we i went out there for something this is before mom was dying or anything like that i went out there for something your mom my mom yeah i went out there for something and then I remember we went to brunch. We had a fucking great brunch over at the Pikey.

We went to the Pikey. So fun. I had oysters. It was amazing. It was so good. Bloody Marys. So good. Amazing Bloody Marys.

We sat in the restaurant. We didn't sit at the bar like a bunch of fucking rummies. Like ladies and gentlemen. We started off the evening at 10 a.m. The afternoon, actually. It was so sophisticated. Sophisticated and civilized. To start with.

Here's the thing. And I don't remember why I was there. Yeah. Yeah, we had a couple of Bloody Marys at the bar, and then we got a table, and then we ate. It's fantastic. And then I went home, went back to the Brechels, and then I had bought all the fixings for Negronis.

You did. And do you remember we walked back from the pikey? I'll tell you right now, no. We walked back from the pikey, and Doug will find this of particular amusement. Someone had put out a bunch of stuff on the railing. For the Russians? For the Russians.

For the Russians. Buy the book. And a couple of those things were, they were either silver, I think they were either silver or copper. Pewter. Like Moscow Mule or... Mint Julep. Mint Julep cups. And then we decided we were going to make mint Juleps. Yes.

So you remember that. See, this is what the next book is going to be, is Blotto Biography. I love Blotto Biography. I'm so about it. You don't remember, but everyone does remember once they start talking about it. Yeah, exactly.

So we walk back to the apartment, and there's these gorgeous pewter made julep cups. Sorry, make sure we have everything blottobiography.com and at blottobiography before this goes out. Thank you. And there's no... I'll do what I can. No, no, not you. Oh, no, no. I'm talking to the lady in the background on their phone.

No, no, no. I'm going to sell it off to you in two weeks. She's ordering right now. We thought you were online because you have your aluminum helmet. I find you completely disgusting. So go ahead with the Moscow mule. I know I voted Bernie, but that doesn't mean I'm not a capitalist at heart. I know.

We got back to the apartment, and we started drinking, and then there was the mint juleps, definitely. Mint juleps, and then there were Negronis. There were a lot of Negronis. I was like, and I had just met you. That was the first time I actually met you and spent any time with you. I'd seen you, but I'd never really talked with you. I was like, fuck him.

He fucking jacked those mint julep cups. Fuck him. Before the Russians, by the way. Shaley, faster than a Russian. High five. Shaley, faster than a Russian. It's completely disgusting.

It's completely disgusting. It's completely disgusting. Hey, my back's wet. Read the book. Oh, that's all right. That's all right. And then... That's a really high-quality towel. At some point, someone was looking for money in exchange for some Adderall.

And I... Yeah. That was Susanna. Yeah. Well, no, we don't say that. Someone was looking for... That was... That was...anna No we didn't say that Someone was looking for That was Apricot That was Sarah Jones

I didn't need a name I just needed to say yes you're right That was Sarah Jones Wait should we do that again No Leave it in I bought a lot And I remember that where and i remember we chopped it up too i was i had i had nosebleeds like nosebleed like an alien well and here's

the thing blue running down my face we we chopped it up and i was like i was gonna have brunch and go home and do laundry and wash my dishes. And then the next thing I know, there's like 12 of us at the comedy store. Wait, we went somewhere? I don't know. This is where things get fuzzy. This is where this premise fails you. Or that could be a great catch.

This is where things get fuzzy. Like, now you know the rest of the story, but only opposite. There's so many. Now you know less of the story. There's so many sober comedians around now that there's always someone that was recording you with their eyes. And their mind is still functional. Oh, I'll tell you exactly what happened. I was there sitting next to you at the comedy store.

And they remember everything. That's why I don't go out. I always hate that guy. Until it comes to a book deal. Then you go, fucking fill me in. What was that fucker's name? I can't lie. And then what happened?

Well, we went through the whole night, and then in the morning, Erickson and I are still drinking Negronis. Man, I don't know. I've not drank Negronis since then, by the way. Yeah, that put the kai by. You started Negronis in the early afternoon? No, in the evening.

And then continued drinking. Negronis in the early afternoon. No, in the evening. And then continued drinking. Negroni's is something you drink two of. Two of and good night. And then sometimes you go, I'm going to go for three. But you drank Negroni's through the night. Yeah. On Adderall. Yeah.

Well, I'm also sneezing into hankies like I'm crushing blueberries. Yeah. Oh, doing adderall like that yeah i guess disgusting different story he was sneezing smurfs it was yeah it's pretty bad we all were we all went through the well i don't know when you left it was it was coming on light i left well after the sun came up yeah and then i I had to be at work. That was a Wednesday night. I left you guys, I think, at like 9 or 10 in the morning. And I went in.

I passed out on my couch. But I was all jacked on Adderall. So I was just laying there going, sleep, sleep, sleep. I have to work. Sleep, sleep, sleep. And you guys were just fucking yakety yakety yak. Now we were a problem for her. No, no, no. And you guys were just fucking yakety yakety yak. Now we were a problem for her. No, no, no.

No, you were a problem. No, we were. I found out later. We were. Erickson is the serious I love you man guy at that hour. He loves the fuck out of you. He was not leaving me. And I had an 11 a.m. Uber.

I was going back to LAX at 11 a.m to fly out of southwest and that fucking cab ride i think i tipped the guy 60 bucks it was it was a fucking uber and then when i got terminal one is worse than the ride and carrie and carrie left us carrie left us like thank god she was she got up and i'm like just leave because i i don't want you to understand how much fun we're having. It was like 6 o'clock in the morning and she was like, she went to bed at like 4 and then came out a couple times. Like, you guys keep it down, keep it down. At 6 o'clock, she came out like with the fucking skin peeled off and she was like, fuck you. Get the fuck out of here. I have to work in three hours.

That was a way better impression of Mitchell than your impression of mother. That was a perfect Mitchell. Get the fuck out of here. So when I got to LAX, I should not have been allowed on the property. Seriously. Much less the plane.

And listen, I know it's Southwest. There's not many expectations of travelers. But to be honest, I went to the – there's one little – it's changed now because I've noticed. There's one little sports bar at the end that maybe has enough, like 30 people could be in there, right? And I go there and I open up my wallet and I see Stanhope's credit card at the top of the wallet. You already told me about this. I tweet.

I do a little tweet up. Hey, meet me at Terminal 1. I have my boss's credit card I just did this to Hannigan I know it's fucking fantastic it is so fun I over tipped

like a motherfucker so did I so did I you know what I think would be more fun actually is to tweet that out and bail to the next bar I think that would be delightful. I was in there. No one showed up that knew that I was there, but I had a fucking table

that kept growing. I had like teachers from Fresno that were hanging out and were hugging and going, I'll be in touch. I've got their fucking business card. When I got home, I'm like,

what the fuck is this? I'm throwing all these cards out. These are all people that sat at my table like King Arthur. Teachers from Fresno. They were at a convention. You should call and accuse them of child molestation. Tammy's not working for them anymore. Tammy was so disgruntled

with what the thing was going on. Fuck Tammy. No, fuck Ron. That's why Tammy left. Well, fuck him. Exactly. And we love Tammy. We love Tammy. No, fuck Ron. Fuck Ron. That's why Tammy left. Well, fuck him. Exactly. And we love Tammy. We love Tammy. Go ahead.

We love her. She had a job at the feedlot. It doesn't matter. I don't even know what's happening right now. I sat there, and then there was an Asian lady who was helping us, and there was a little thing with language, but as soon as I held up the card, there was no problem with language. Drinks were flowing all around.

And they, no, I got it. I mean, someone's got it. Someone's got it. It's fucking great. And then when I finally got up to go, oh, some guy wanted, oh, one guy was a listener to the podcast I did with Becker near the wild and John Norris.

And he's like, no, I want some of your beer. And I remember going like, no, give me your fucking address. I'll send you a beer in the mail. It's not enough. It's not enough that I'm fucking buying rounds for all these strangers. But now he wants something from me. He wants it on the if-bomb. And I'm like, yes, you can.

Yes, you can. I remember sending him when I got home and I found this piece of paper that says, and if you don't send the beer, it's cool. I'm like, oh, fuck. And I felt bad. I'm like, I sent him some merch and stuff. I'm like, hey, sorry about not sending a beer.

I just, I don't know how to send liquid in the mail. It's just a fucking weird thing. Dude, that's where you go to the 99 cent shop. Jaylee is the guy. Jaylee, you get a can of Sapporo. You wrap it in the mail. It's just a fucking weird thing. That's where you go to the 99 cent shop. Chaley is the guy. You get a can of Sapporo and you wrap it in bubble wrap and send it in a fucked up envelope that's all bunched up and weird. But don't you understand, Patty,

Chaley is the guy that wakes up from this blackout overnight Adderall hangover, finds a note in his pocket and then still follows through with, hey, I'm sorry, I can't send you that beer. My bad. How do I make this up to you?

How do you got that? Harry Carey. I kind of feel like that was my whole relationship with Mother. I'm giving you everything. How do I make it up to you how do I make it up to you for you stealing my booze and calling me a drunken whore

how do I make that up to you let's now get back to the book there's pants shitting about to come and that's why everyone is still listening yeah then I there's no reason about to come. Oh, shit. And that's why everyone is still listening. Yeah, then I... There's no reason...

Well, okay, honestly. No, there's a reason. Honestly. Southwest, you really gotta fucking tighten up your security. There's no way. There's no way. I mean, I... Listen, I should have just left my tab open

because I was for sure not gonna get on the plane. There's no way I was going to get on that plane. I can't fucking – I couldn't throw – I couldn't roll a ball straight on the ground, more or less walk, right? And I'm thinking there's no way I'm not going to be able to go, right? And they fucking – I'm on. I'm on the fucking plane. Middle seat. Now I'm trying to deal – no.

It was a two-seater. I fucking – no, it was a two-seater. I fucking, no, it was a three-seater. And I remember talking to the guy next to me in the window seat. He's trapped. The whole fucking flight. So you're a middle seat. I talked the whole. You're a middle seat.

Absolutely. Oh, you were that guy. Oh my God. And me and him were the best of fucking friends. And this guy next to me, I think he was certainly faking that he was asleep. But he was kind of overdoing it. I think he was like... He was like curly.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly on the Three Stooges. And me in a window seat, I remember taking selfies walking off the plane. You don't remember. you saw the selfies yes i did later on yeah i remember oh evidently i was taking i have bingo and i have a lot of those pictures on the plane when we're fucked i have video of myself on the plane yelling at Delta, slurring out of my Xanaxed mouth, you call this first class? And they're looking at the picture going, no. Well, no, there's duct tape on the ceiling.

He's in seat 12B. No, it's not first class, motherfucker. Actually, there is B. Anyway. So I got off the plane in Tucson. There's pants shitting coming. Oh, I know.

I was there. Kind of. It was a weird thing because I... As pants shitting because I have to explain it like geographically speaking Tucson airport shares a fence line with

the hotel that we stay at the four points and I called at some point Tracy did I call you to get the room I couldn't get the room there was no way I was getting a room I think you probably get the room? I couldn't get the room. There was no way I was getting a room. I think you probably got the room for me, Doug. Thank you, by the way.

Good looking out. I took a cab. They take my calls. You took a cab the whole time. I took a cab. Wait, hang on, hang on. For the listener, to walk from the airport in Tucson to the Four Points takes less time than to get between terminals in Atlanta.

Absolutely. It's a six-minute walk. Dick move. Total dick move. I was just there. It was like the Burbank airport if no one lived in Burbank. Yeah, yeah. Right.

It's like post-apocalyptic John Wayne airport. It's pre-apocalyptic. If Gunsmoke had an airport right in the middle of the... Your Uber has like two horses. Saddle up, you're here. What? Already? So I get to the four points

after my angry fucking cab driver. 80 second cab ride. Yeah, the angriest cab driver ever. Waiting for a fare to downtown Tucson. I'm just going right there. You can see it from here.

Let me get my bag in your trunk. No, it's that one right there. Well, the turn from the airport, the return to the airport, to go back to the cab line is right where you go to the four points. Literally. Literally. 40 points. Literally. Literally. 40 yards. Yes.

You could have dropped me off in the middle of the road, and I would have been fine. I would have been fine. I would have duck walked, but I would have been fine. But you tipped well. I tipped well, and what happened was I... On my credit card. I threw my leg out. I threw my leg out of the cab, and then something happened.

And I didn't think it was a big deal. Chaley, can you define something? I'm trying to. Something happened. I think we prefaced it. I think we foreshadowed it. Is that what you say as a writer? Something happened that I realized

I need to get to the room quickly. And I didn't realize how bad it was until I got to the room but you had to check in first oh I had to check in oh you always have to check in what are you wearing I'm wearing a fucking shitty light colored khakis I hope

I'm wearing our suits I'm wearing the fucking loud bullshit that we wear on planes to not get attention. And yeah, it was a wild scene, man. And I got up to my room and I pulled my sacks down. And yeah. Sacks underpants. Let's take a moment to promote sacks underpants

at S-A-X-X Underpants. Form-fitting pants hold your old balls up nice and tight. And more. And keep your sharts from bleeding through your 70s polyester pants while you try to check into a four-point Sheridan. In Tucson, Arizona. Sacks! Rulers of the underpants universe!

Sacks! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sacks underwear. Don't have sweaty balls. Was that good? I don't know. What did you... I think that's an endorsement. Yeah. I think you've got it. It is.

Don't worry. We got Saks down cold. We're hot and... We're hot and runny, says Tracy off mic. Hot and runny. Hot and runny. Yeah, it was. Hot and runny. Hot and runny. Won't it was. Hot and runny, hot and runny. Won't some pretty mama come take a chance

with me? Cause I ain't so bad. I shit my pants so hot to do da. Alright, sorry. That's a callback from something else. We went back to the book. We're back to the book. We're just trying to go,

all right, if we're going to podcast right off the audio book, we can't go back into the book and do callbacks because that's... That was your rule. Yeah. You did it. That's wrong. So all's well that ends well. I don't know how to end it.

You're not the only one that has had that kind of ridiculous... Hang on! She's going into a shit the pants story. No, I'm not going into a shit the pants story. I'm going into a pee the pants story. What? She's pointing at Christine Levine.

Oh, you! I was like, wait, I pee my pants? I would never put you on blast. Hold on. Can we get people on mic if they're going to talk? Yeah, if you're going to talk, get on mic. Christine, are you going to talk? No, that's fine. That was fine.

As long as you get back. No, you have to get on mic. Don't talk to her. You have to stay on mic. All right. We got it. I'm on mic. All right.

I'm on mic. No, that was my 40th birthday. Hold on, hold on. Christine, sit up here. Just sit up over there. Just come. Pull her fat chair in. Christine, right there, right there. She just keeps turning that way.

Yeah. She needs a friend right now. Fantastic, though. Go ahead. Go ahead. You're disgusting. She knows the story. You're so gross. She knows the story. She knows the story.

I told Tony the story in the interim, by the way. Oh, so he knows, too? Oh, yeah. Oh, God, that's so gross. Oh, God. It's so gross. I would never tell him. So my 40th birthday, me and Christine and Susanna went to Vegas.

Yep. And we had a delightful time. And I have a friend, his name is Tony. He's, or was at the time, a Michael Jackson impersonator. Real good, though. I'll give you a lighter. Real good. It's a black pussy lighter, by the way.

The lighter. Oh, I love black pussy. See? Black pussy. See that band, Black Pussy? You tell the story. I'm busy licking. Go to atblackpussyband.com. I don't know. She's licking way. The lighter. Oh, I love Black Pussy. See? Black Pussy. See that band, Black Pussy? You tell the story. I'm busy licking. Go to atblackpussyband.com.

I don't know. She's licking the Black Pussy lighter. They're such a great band. He's adjusting your black cock microphone. I have black cock and black pussy right in front of me. Yep. My Jew boyfriend's going to be so mad. Okay, so. Thanks, Obama. Thanks, Obama. My Jew boyfriend's going to be so mad.

Thanks, Obama. Thanks, Obama. No, seriously, thank you, Obama. So back then, you and Tony had this relationship that you thought that you might get some, and you liked him. He liked you, kind of. Anyway, so you guys, me and Suze, we back off because we think you guys are going to hook up.

And that was right after my 10-year relationship fell apart. Yeah. So it was like, Patricia, fuck something. Fuck anything. We just wanted her to get some dick in her. You guys are the, I feel bad for having my penis in both of you. Were you wingman like men? Oh, oh no, don't fuck with her.

She's going to get cocked. That's the opposite of what women should do. No, not in our 40s. Not after. No, no, no. Not after a man leaves you $16,000 in debt. No, we wanted her to get some dick real bad. She needed to get that. You need to...

$16,000 worth of dick. There comes a time in a woman's life where you gotta put new dick in to get the old dick out. You gotta bathe yourself in new cock. It's like a baptism, if you will. You become a new woman after you get new cum inside you. Oh, fucking Church of Christ.

Yoo-hoo! Church of Christ. Woo-hoo fucking Church of Christ. You who? Church of Christ. Woohoo! Church of Christ. Nazareth of the extreme. But it's true. It's true. You just gotta get it fucked right out of you. So, Tony is Michael Jackson impersonator. Great guitarist, amazing singer.

Me and Sue sized him up and we were like, good enough. Let's go. Michael Jackson impersonator. He's not going to hit you. You can beat him up if he tries to rape you. He's not going to hit you. Because he's tiny. He's a little tiny fuck. Good.

Do it. He's a little man. You're not 12. He's not going to fucking rape you. Whatever. Yeah. Whatever. So these guys run off.

We're done. They run off. What's a Michael Jackson impersonator? So these guys run off. We're done. They run off. Let the Michael Jackson impersonator wash away the $16,000 mistake. Woo! Hallelujah. $16,000 10-year mistake. Oh, fuck.

It was so bad. So, yeah, so there's a hint of a love connection. So you guys bail. They're making fuck eyes all night. We think this is in the bag. We're so excited. So you guys bail. Tony gives me a ride back to the hotel, the Golden Nugget. We're staying at the Golden Nugget. Fancy.

What happens in Vegas stays in New Vegas, but what happens down on Fremont is public knowledge. It's a fucking fair game. It's a fucking fair game. Hopefully on the podcast. Yes. All right. So we make out in his truck.

Of course, he's got a pickup truck. Michael Jackson has a pickup truck? Well, the fake one does. Yeah. The fake one does. Chevy love, 1979. It's a Zuzu pup, but that's all right. Okay.

It's a Zuzu pup, but that's all right. Okay. It's a Zuzu pup. How dare you one-up my obscure reference. I really think it was that, though. That's why. So we're making out, but we've been drinking all night. Yeah. And we're making out in his car, and I'm wondering if this is going to go anywhere. Right.

Maybe I want it to. Can you back up to the story where we weren't drinking all night? No, you can't. So you never have to preface it. So you're drinking all night. Alright, so it's 4 o'clock in the morning. These guys have bailed.

They've gone back to the hotel. Because we want you to get laid so bad. I know. And it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen, but I'm still kind of hoping. We're just making out. So he gives me a ride back to the hotel. We're making out in his car, making out in his car, making out in his car. And if you know

the Golden Nugget, there's the parking structure where you go up and around and then there's the elevator that goes down. So we're parked up on the very top of the structure and we're making out and I'm like, alright, this isn't going to go anywhere and I have to

pee. But I'm like, maybe it's going to go somewhere. So she keeps waiting. Oh, I get it. Plug the hole. She keeps waiting. I don't know how biology works. Different hole, honey. Oh, that's so sweet.

Clearly. Clearly you were thinking of a different hole. Honey, we'll talk later. We'll talk later. P-hole gangbang. Let's not go there. P-hole gangbang. You motherfucker.

That's all my fault. I know. We've already talked about it. So go ahead. You're going to pee. Or maybe not. leave the listener intrigued so we're making out and I'm like nope

I gotta go I gotta go now this not good wait are you in the elevator or the parking still in the car still in the car he's still kind of like, hey, maybe, blah, blah, blah. Leave her on.

Weep through the jeans. It's not moving fast enough now, and I have to fucking pee. It's not even a joke. It's not even a joke. I have to pee. So I just go, this is great.

I gotta go. So she great. I got to go. So she like leaves him. Let her tell her own story. I leap out of his car. That's so funny. Barely managed to swing the passenger door shut behind me. I run into the elevator and I'm like, all right, I got to get down the elevator and across the fucking valet into the lobby and find a bathroom. I get about halfway down.

I get about halfway down the elevator and I start peeing in the elevator. I run across the valet, like, outside parking area, peeing the entire way. As you're running? What are you wearing? Running. I'm wearing a cute little black and white striped shirt or dress. Two-tone black. With little white lace-up keds.

Yeah, she's got keds on. So cute. I've got little keds. I'm all sporty and cute. I'm running across the valet parking pull-in. I wasn't squish, squish, squish, squish at that point.

Weekday or weekend? Weekday. Weekday. I have to pee so bad. I run across the thing, leave a little sprinkle trail behind me, run into the hotel, run past the lobby, the pool, the shark tank, the fucking water slide. never been in Vegas. They make you go through every gambling enticement before you get

to anywhere you want to be. Cafe, elevators, bathrooms. I'm going to take a shit. Here's a craps table. Here's lucky or not. Different kind of craps. Different kind of craps.

Honestly, though, listening to her tell this story, and I know you're not done, does it make you want to go to Vegas? No. It makes me want to go to Vegas. Just somewhere running through. I fucking love that. It makes me want to go to Vegas again.

Yes. In my... So how far did you get? Oh, my God. Oh, I got all the way through. We went to Vegas like a month ago No, no, your pee, your pee trail Oh, no, no, no

Yeah, my pee trail went Gladys in Wonderland If I had to like Geo tag my pee trail It was easily Geocache Oh 300 yards

I gotta be honest by the time I actually found a bathroom I was like I don't have to pee anymore but I got up to the room and I told them the story and I was like you can't ever tell anybody

and I took off my keds they were squishy and gross and I threw like, you can't ever tell anybody. And I took off my Keds. That's so funny. They were squishy and gross and I threw them in the bathtub. And I ran the shower on them for like an hour and then threw them in the garbage. And I remember I woke up and she told me what happened and I go, wait, he didn't fuck you and you pissed your pants? You wet yourself?

And then she was like, yes, shut up. I was like, I'm 40, bitch. Shut up. That's gonna happen. If I were you and a lady, I would back in the parking garage with the Isuzu pickup truck where you realize I'm gonna

piss myself, I would have said this is my fetish and just grabbed him by the tie and pissed all over that dude. Grabbed him by the skinny tie. I never did ask you why you didn't just go, you're not going to fuck me

are you? No. Okay. I'm going to pee right here. I'm just going to wet your truck. I'm just going to wait and just get out and be like, okay. Are we BFFs now? I don't know why I didn't just go, I have to pee, so I'm going to go behind those two cars. In between one of the many cars? Anywhere. Anywhere.

I'm going to go pee, and then I'm going to come back and suck your dick. I don't know why I didn't do that. Wow. He also wonders why he didn't do that. To this day. He'll be emailing soon. And he's one of my BFFs now. He's one of my dearest friends.

And I've wet myself so many times, it doesn't even matter. It's not a story. I just cough too much. It's a daily struggle. Yeah, well, you know, I've had a few kids, babe. I laugh too hard. I get too excited about stuff. Confrontation's going to happen.

Whatever it is. All right, we got enough. We got enough. stuff or confrontation's gonna happen whatever it is when you get older when you get older and you know someone finds the G spot I guess it gets twisted up whatever the woods of what?

she has a lot of spots at her weight she's a par 26 and that's why I take off my helmet. She's a par 26. Okay, I got to pee. Bye. That's already done. That's a podcast.

Already done. Fuck it. Let's quit while we're ahead. She just dropped her aluminum foil helmet. Can we get a towel at mic two? Can we get a towel at mic two? Can we get a towel at mic two? I'm on mic three. I just want to point that out. Look at his fancy, fancy

fucking look at that. Oh, wow. Thank you. That's a wrap. Frozen fucking I think it was already a wrap. We're going to take a break from this very important podcast because I want to tell you guys something that's changed my life. It is the Boilermaker Kit at DougStanhope.com.

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