The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #146: Hey, You're Out Of Here!!!

Episode Date: June 16, 2016

The kids get thrown out of the announcers booth during a Tucson Saguaro's game.Recorded June 12, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Butters (@Hawk4444), The Anonymous Heckler, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   Tucson Saguaro's - @TucsonSaguaros - http://www.saguarosbaseball.com/   Wendelstedt School for Umpires - http://www.umpireschool.com/   PIPELiGHTS Band - https://www.facebook.com/pipelightsmusic/   Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool - https://www.dougstanhopescelebritydeathpool.com/   Closing song, "The Love Boat", covered by The Mattoid.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble  and at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We're talking baseball, baseball, are we talking baseball? I see that the red light is on. Red light is steady. Just did the Bisbee Killer Termites baseball game, a.k.a. Tucson Saguaros, who, after three weeks, kind of tilted a hat at us at the end of the game. We're one third of the audience. We're 100% of the vocal audience.

And I don't know if we're going back. I was directly demanding acknowledgement as they were walking by and high-fiving each other at the game. That's when they gave acknowledgement. But I was screaming at them that they need to acknowledge us. Oh, did you? Oh, yeah. While everybody was cheering, I was fucking demanding that they need to acknowledge us so well oh did you yeah oh yeah while everybody was cheering i was fucking demanding like it's like a jilt i didn't hear that yeah like a jilted girlfriend i won't be ignored oh come on we got thrown out of the fucking announcer's booth shaley brett brett austin a neighbor threw in a pa the first game that we went to, there was a guy standing.

Imagine you, listener, standing in the stands, and you're announcing the game by yourself, reading off a cheat sheet. Just one dude in the stands going, now batting. In a stadium. That's what the dude was doing. No one could hear him except for him. So people pitched in. We brought a fucking PA down.

Chaley gets up off a fucking wretched hangover. Oh, my God. What a fucking. This was amongst the worst hangovers. Where I go, I'll just keep going. At 1 o'clock when the game was supposed to start, Chaley texted me and you texted me at the exact same time and Shaylee said we got everything set up here we're just looking for Doug and at the same time I got a text from you that said just up and then then someone came up and said hey I need you to make an announcement. And then I looked at the guy who's the scorekeeper.

I'm like, he's talking to you, right? Because I'm just the guy who set up the gear. Yeah, no one. It's the inmates running the asylum at the mutiny on the bounty. No one's in charge of the fucking place. But everyone's. We got thrown out by an umpire. You play games. That's like a Scrabble an umpire like you're an um you play games

that's like a scrabble coach going no you're out of here i was just over there at a table watching you play scrabble you can't do that anymore we got thrown out of the fucking announcer's booth by an umpire and we listened to him for some reason you're you're um well because we were much better without a PA system, for one thing. And also, it was your commercial for umpire school. We did a

Pop-Up Vodka Presents during a break in the innings where I said, and we're sponsored by Floyd from Miners and Merchants, and we're also sponsored by, and I had Chaley pull it up quickly. I'm looking for it right now. It's Wendelstead.

Yeah. You don't have to look it up. Wendelstead, school for umpires in Sarasota, Florida, because there was like a beef with the umpire. I don't know how that is. There were a couple of controversial plays or calls. Call a third base coach off of a fucking umpire. It was lively.

Hey, Doug, were you talking about the Wendell Stett School for umpires providing formal supervision training for? Oh, and then I stopped writing. So I know I stopped reading. I was reading that and I went, oh, but I read that as though it was an actual. Here's the thing. Fuck kenny's not here uh i was in the grand when that girl that helps run the team came in jacking them up for sponsorship at the grand were you there bingo um yeah yeah what the one sheet the one sheet with the sponsors all the way around it that girl was jacking up kristen at the grand when we went to downtown to take sarah shopping

anyway yeah they're paying a fucking hundred dollars to get an ad business card size spot that nobody would read if it wasn't for you they wouldn't have a pa they had a dude that was standing there talking to himself in the stands and he was doing it hey do you guys have a they because the high school doesn't want us here they pulled our pa well wait there is a pa in there they just won't let you use it there is an entire powered monitor system, just no speakers. But it's really, what the fuck is going on? Well, I'll tell you what's going the fuck on is we ain't going back. We'll go back.

That's the dilemma because the main beneficiary is the local Little League, which we found out today. And I like going. I have fun on Sundays. I don't like being told your services aren't wanted. Thanks for coming in early. Get the fuck out. I was ready to go home today.

Santa pulled me into the stands, and I ended up just leaving. Hang on. Let me preface. So Kenny's doing the first four innings. Kenny did fantastic. Just doing batting next, all pro bono. He acted like he didn't want to do it. No, you're going to do it.

I don't want to do it by myself, though. But very professional. You did a great job. And he's like, hey, go tell Stan Hope. He's going to take over for me. I need a break. So Chad and I go up. Chad's not in the room.

Fifth inning. Fifth need a break. So Chad and I go up. Chad's not in the room, but he got my back. Yeah. And so we're doing it pretty professionally compared to our heckling, which is just as loud when there's only 90 people. What? I'm guessing. There weren't 90 people.

It's close. If there was, if I'd say maybe 70 at the most. That includes the players. No, I'm just kidding. So our heckling is as loud as our announcing, but when we're announcing, we're polite to an extent. What?

What game were you at? Compared to our heckling, I'm saying. Oh, your announcing is polite compared to your heckling. Yeah. Absolutely. You have to throw some curve balls. It's not blatant. It's more, yeah, backdoor.

Yeah, subtle. Ball. Yet another ball. Just a little tweet to get in the... As opposed to heckling where I'm going, Eric, there's no chance for you. It's a house of cards. And he can hear me as... But I'm where I'm going, Eric, there's no chance for you. It's a house of cards. And he can hear me as, but I'm announcing I'm polite and I'm doing it family friendly.

I think that's where the, um, really, that was where he first said something to someone who overheard him at the t-shirt stand. And then that person came up and told us was when you were calling the ball and the strike over the PA. And I think that was legitimate. It's like, Hey, you got to back off a little bit, announce the guys the ball and the strike over the PA. And I think that was legitimate. It's like, hey, you got to back off a little bit. Announce the guys coming up and the sponsors and all this stuff. Well, I know.

At a specific time. You can't say anything when he's in the batter's box. It's almost like golf rules. And I know that. But he was like, I would wait till he's out of the batter's box between. Took a swing. Swing, steps out. Then I do a sponsor and I was saying some shit that was true.

Hey, we're sponsored by a lot of people, but they have no list. So I'm, since we brought the PA, I'm just going to be telling you sponsors that we like that strike sponsored by miners and merchants. I threw out a Donald Trump for president.

That just, that strike an over well and then we get a note the poor lady from the Tucson she had to hike up those stairs the t-shirt concessions just announced the umpire says

I hate myself I feel like such a feeb for even acknowledging he has power. Like, fuck you. It's RPA. Otherwise, you have a guy standing there talking to himself. Are you going to throw us out of the game?

Good. Throw us out of the game. I'll never be back. I'll bring this up right now because it was so quiet. If we weren't talking, it was as if there was a ball game being performed to an audience of deaf people it really there was no point in saying anything and there's no fucking scoreboard so everyone's just sitting around was that a out was that a pitch what's going on and at one point the umpire was throwing gang signs at the first base ump, who was now behind the pitcher,

because he didn't know how many outs there were. There was also gang signs being thrown outside by that guy. I'm sure we talked about it. Keep an eye out. They're smuggling booze. You got to look for people smuggling booze. Reverend Derek texted me and told me, there's a guy out here looking for you guys smuggling booze you gotta look for people smuggling booze Reverend Derek texted me

and told me there's a guy out here looking for you guys smuggling booze smuggling a lot of booze that's the guy who came up and told us

that we should always have the national anthem on our phones and we should play him and I'm like that fucking cunt with the walkie talkie

yeah so what happened was we started to get like Kenny comes walking up right when I see all the players on the baselines. And I look at Gary, the guy who works for the league, who is just there to do scoreboards and the internet stuff. And I go, hey, is there a copy of that?

Like the national anthem? I think we have to do that. He goes, I don't know. Like, they don't have it. I'm like, am I supposed to have it? We sang it pretty good. No, that was the problem started the national national anthem at the beginning we made an announcement hey the cd players

not working we can't play the national anthem and then you started singing the national anthem rapid fire oh my god and the rock is right there it rock bop there's it's the worst song ever let's go on that was it the worst song play ball ever and then kenny goes play ball and i yeah i think that was probably got us on the the bad side of the ump to begin with but that but that guy came up the crowd i don't think no the home crowd even liked us so that dude i don't know if it's chad shank you're right we walked a couple people. This is what happened. That guy who never came up to us while we were loading in gear, while we set up, while we tested the mic, while I played music,

while they were warming up, no one ever came up and said, hey, thanks for coming out and do this. Do you got the national anthem? He came up at the end, right after it happened, and said, you should always play the national anthem. I'm like, okay, you understand. Thank God Chad Shank wasn't there. I said, you should always play the national anthem. I'm like, okay, you understand. You understand. Thank God.

Chad Shank wasn't there. I said, you understand. We aren't refusing to play the national anthem. We don't have it up here. He goes, you should always play it though. I said, listen,

there's a problem here because we don't have it in here. And no one said anything. Some fucking, I know. Hold on. It gets, it gets better. So then I look at Garyary i go gary what

what's he goes they got nothing in here i don't know what they're what you're supposed to do so okay so then that guy walks around he's on the other side of the door to the announcer booth and starts bitching about who doesn't have the national anthem who wouldn't do this she'd always bitching to another old guy in the stands. And I look at Gary. I go, they're about to get no PA. So it turns out that's all they wanted. That's all they wanted was us not to play the PA. So we broke down the PA in the sixth inning. Well, we got the first warning about sponsorship.

And then when I did the sponsorship by bad umpires or umpire wendell stett school wendell stett school for umpires in sarasota and and then they said all right that's it and no she had to come up the stairs again they they she someone told someone who told someone who told her to come up to the steps again and tell us no you're done told her to come up to the steps again and tell us you're done. God damn it. Listen, I apologize and I will suck

50 dead gay dicks on the day that this happened. I don't know. We found out about the 50 gay guys getting killed at a gay bar after the game. I will suck 50 dead gay dicks of those victims to be able to call that umpire a faggot

because i don't know another word i need another word that spells out he had to go basically to the lunch lady yeah to have her walk up a lot of stairs to the announcing booth. He says you can't announce anymore. He says you're done. No one's in charge. We were in charge the whole time. We could have gone, no, you're out, motherfucker.

We're out of the game. Sorry, ump, you're out. A is here on the podcast with us. And I don't know when I met you. You were just one of those people I know. Yeah, I showed up. I've been in Bisbee for a few years, but this is the first time I've been able to go to the baseball game and hang out with you and the crew.

But you had some fucking heckles. Chaley's got them written down i got i got my favorite i'm gonna save it though because that'll be the topper yeah the heckling was the fucking greatest part of the game so so we get shut down sixth inning we get shut down oh but by the way i made a point to break down during the fucking game i could have waited but i wanted everyone to see we we may have lost this battle but we're not losing the war well i'll break down but i wanted everyone to see we we may have lost this battle but we're not losing the war well i'll break down but i want everyone to see that's why there's no announcing they told us to stop the lady that runs the concession came up to me the food and i at some point i go you

know what we're just done different than the t-shirt lady you know we brought the pa chaley comes out of a hangover brings brings the entire PA system for nothing. And then they're like asking, he fucking, that guy texted me. I woke up at eight because that girl from the band, and I wish I could plug your band, but I don't remember. Pipelates. Pipelates. Pipelates. Pipelates.

There you go. I told her. Yeah, she crashed in the guest house last night. And I go, just take the fucking pickup truck and we'll find it. She's got to get back in the morning. So at eight o'clock I get woken up that the fucking pickup truck doesn't work. So it's dead. By the way where's Kenny and Derek.

They're not here. Yeah the pickup truck's dead. Someone's going to fix that. Write that down. So I just. Oh so thezda is down by the grand oh yeah take the mazda and i call bingo that's eight o'clock i'm just fucking wrecked from last night i'm just stewing and sweating and you can smell your own like uh your booze semen coming out of your fucking pores that was that was during the fifth inning doug i was smelling that in the fifth inning oh fucking shawnee was fucking ripe and he

sat right when he came back from the no no yours was i could taste the alcohol from your pores yeah at the concession stand outside i could smell it going into them. How's your day? We were all locked in that little announcer's booth with that poor guy, Gary. I felt bad for him. And I started smoking to make it worse. He kept trying to hold the door open. I got to tell you, though, while you guys, the first three innings while we were there, he's not on mic. He's doing the internet scores, and he's keeping the official score.

Fucking laughing the whole fucking time. All right. Where I was going. Yes. That was at 8 o'clock when I called Bingo. She had called me. You called me at 4. I go, oh, good.

They're as fucked as I am because you were at the other house. And then at 10, I didn't see it until I woke up. But the guy from the ball field goes, hey, do you have printer capabilities? If I send you this thing, can you print this out? I don't even want to go. I called you. I said, I don't want to go to baseball. I don't want to have any friends.

I don't want to have a girlfriend. I don't want to have anyone but Tracy. Did I say that exactly? I want no one but Tracy. I'm in the room. Do not give me drinks. I'm't want to have anyone but Tracy. Did I say that exactly? I want no one but Tracy to not give me drinks. I'm in the room. Yes, I wanted no one but Tracy when I stumbled out here going, fuck, I gotta go

to baseball. And then I thought, baseball's the only way I'm getting through this day. Let's put this hate on someone else. So we get thrown out of the announcer's booth right after you did the the umpire school school of umpiring and then so so there's four three or four innings of nothing it's just people other than us heckling well yeah it wasn't nothing because i like i said i was ready to go home at that point i was fucking done i wasn, it wasn't nothing because, like I said, I was ready to go home at that point. I was fucking done.

It wasn't fun. Everybody wasn't into it. And then whenever Sandwhip came down, it was like the fucking umpire threw us out of the fucking. Top of the sixth. We were fucking ignited by hate. We started heckling that umpire. You started it.

We followed Chad, yeah. Oh, it wasn't me? Chad says, fuck this. This is all about the umpire. You started it. We apologize. Chad says, fuck this. This is all about the umpire now. However you phrase this. It was nice. We just hammered for three innings every second of that dude's life.

And when you heckle at Warren Ballfield, it's as though if you're listening to this podcast, the fucking ump has headphones in that are just us. Yeah. He's not too far in front of us. He can hear us as well as you can hear this podcast. There's no...

It's like... We've talked about this before. It's like an amphitheater type stage where the hecklers are on stage. Seahawk Stadium. Yeah. And the crowd, all of the noise in the crowd is directed right at the players and the umpire. Because Tracy reminded me, the Bisbee Blue, all the way Aldrich and the other guy, they told us. The old Bisbee team.

They told us how to heckle, and that's why we started heckling the pitcher. And they also told us that if you talk at this level in the stadium, they can hear you. The outfielder can still hear. Exactly. And we actually went out and tested it once where you go, oh, shit. Yeah. We don't have to be yelling. We're yelling for fun.

I started heckling at one point going richard richard because everyone else is yelling about richard uh so chad shank starts barreling on the fucking umpire just hammering him on the fucking umpire. Just hammering him. A lot of easy balls jokes. Yeah. Because he has to look at balls and touch balls a lot. A lot of easy ones,

but no one else is making them. Oh, no, but then the, him being next to a kid, I think he said, you can't, all you do when you stand next to a kid is you're swallowing or something. I mean, it's a really weird graphic,

and then it really got bad after that. The guy kept lifting up his mask. Because he was chewing tobacco. I saw him chew tobacco, and he kept lifting up his spit. So then I was fucking channeling Stanhope then because just doing homo fucking neurotic whatever. I just started begging him to spit for me, and i loved

it i loved it when he spit so yeah relentless my favorite heckles are uh homoerotic heckles because like you know that all the these are like 20 year old to 22 year old kids playing non-semi-pro almost semi-pro. Silent baseball. Yeah, 50 bucks a week baseball. But you know that they're just completely homophobic. So I love doing the, ooh, ooh, I'm looking at your ass, bitch. Yeah, I don't say bitch. Good eye, good eye, kid.

Good eye, kid. Both of those eyes. Both of those green penetrating eyes. I love them both. Except for the one with the of those green penetrating eyes. I love them both. Except for the one with the astigmatism. But yeah, I love the other eye. Good eye, kid. We made the ump so uncomfortable that he would only bend over facing the pitcher to sweep off the plate.

Small victory. Doug, actually, you did a little material. I broke out old material on the fucking ump. And that was the first time we got him to crack, and he smiled a long bit about, do you remember when you lost all your hopes and dreams? Well, you know, in a game, in between periods or during the switch of the teams on the field, when they're playing Gary Glitter or whatever, I'm looking at hockey. When they're playing Gary Glitter or, you know, one of these other songs, Doug was doing comedy.

Up until the pitch, until the catcher throws the second base. And then you said, to be continued, this is not over. Because you had the end of your bit. It was good. I've got two really fucking creepy heckles. At some point after Chad relentlessly hammered him with, what are you going to spit? Hey, spit again.

We love it. We did it. We got it to a homoerotic place. Oh, I love it when you spit. Spit or swallow. Either way, we love it. We love it. And again, we're in his ear.

He can hear every fucking word we say, even when we're off mic, so to speak. Yeah. And then after that, at some point, you go, hey, spit for me. And he did it on cue just for you. To play along. Yeah. Won us over. Once we get him to break and laugh,

yeah, then he's out. But I think the Tucson Saguaros were also ignited by our hatred because they rallied. As soon as we started heckling the umpire and just were relentless with our heckling, those guys rallied it up. Oh, they were down 6-1. Yeah.

1-7-6. They were trailing. Bam, bam coming. Those guys rallied it up. Oh, they were down six to one. Yeah. One seven to six. They were trailing. Bam, bam, bam. They rallied it up. Four runs in one inning in the eighth inning. Shawnee had a great heckle. I can't remember what it was. And I'm like, who the fuck is that?

Shawnee said that? Brings out the best in you. I have two that I wrote down here. One is the creepiest one. And it's Derek. And maybe, Doug, you can do it. Everyone will say something. And then there'll be a little lull and then he will picture will derek will say picture i see you picture i see you it's just it's a silent moment where he picks it to do it and it's not yelling it's creeping me out. So clearly it's going to creep out the team. It's basically the light FM of heckling.

Swing batter, batter, batter. Picture, I see you. His heckling has a subversive, yeah. At one point he was standing by a pillar. That made it even weirder. Are you doing that? Are you looking around? I can't tell from here.

I see you. My favorite one today was... I hope I got this right. If I got it wrong, you'd say it right. The catcher had a couple pass balls. There was one inning where the Santa Fe Fuego's catcher

was having a little rough time keeping the ball in front of him. He had a pass ball and he yells out, Hey catcher, your mitt is looser than mine. That was a great one. She had a bunch of No shame.

Yeah, I know. A is a reticent lesbian, like hardcore lesbian that swears she is straight. Strictly dickly, yeah. On Netflix, they just started to have a show, and I don't care for it a lot. I mean, it's all right, called Brickleberry. And there's exactly the character. There's exactly the character.

She even looks like her. The exact character you're character. She even looks like her. The exact character you're describing is she even looks like her. It's just this big lesbian that denies that she's a lesbian. I'll accept it. Everybody who watches that will know that. It's not a flattering character.

Yeah. Bye, Bingo. We'll be back. Bye, baby. We'll be back. Bingo and Telly Carpenter will be back, evidently. Their guitars are here. They'll be back. Possibly.

Their gear's here. You have a little gay in you. Is there anything in your soul or your system of your entire psyche that wouldn't make you think that she's entirely not just gay, but dominantly gayer. She's gayer than other gay ladies. In case you didn't hear it, Bingo's answer

was yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a yeah, yeah, yeah like Doug's other eye, the one we can't see, is winking ferociously to go along with the gag. Is that what's happening? No. Oh, all right.

Today, I'm sorry, I don't know when this goes out, but today was the day we haven't even, I haven't seen it on CNN. I heard about it from drunk baseball players that 50 guys get killed by a fucking ISIS or some shit in a fucking gay bar. I don't know what my point was. I don't either. That's hilarious. As I'm texting shit going, sorry, I'm going to periscope.

Here's the news as I see it, not from skewed CNN, but from drunk, 14 drunk baseball fans. Hashtag, we're not baseball fans. We just go to the game because it's close. But she said, tears for queers, hashtag. And so our gay friend who just swears up and down, she's not gay. Everything about you is gay.

And I love that. I'm into it. I love lesbians. Hot for them. But you're wicked gay. But tears for queers. That was funny. Yeah.

She'll be trending on Twitter by now. Viral. Let's make it viral. yeah she'll be trending on Twitter by now she doesn't have she's not like other female comics who do dude friendly material because they dated a dude that wrote their jokes you're authentic

sorry that doesn't strike a chord in the room but comics out there will fucking know exactly what I'm talking about. Thank you. Tears for queers. A prison guard. She worked for my number one

Spike Pick. Sheriff Joe Arpaio, my number one. When we do Celebrity Death Pool, we do the one we research, that we play on our own personal gambling circuit, but pool we do the one we research that we play you know on our own personal gambling circuit but then we do just for fun people you just pick people's spite picks that you everyone will applaud if you win they're not gonna die the guy from the red hot chili peppers is joe b's

number one all the time anthony kitas yeah? Yeah. He fucking hates that band so much. And so Nancy Grace, almost everyone has Nancy Grace. But Sheriff Joe was my number one. And you worked for this cocksucker. Three years. Three years. Prison guard. Yeah.

What, did you build tents? Did you have to put up the tents? That's almost more humiliating. Just kept them enslaved. Drew them slop. Did you have to cook up the tents? That's almost more humiliating. We just kept them enslaved. Drew them slop. Did you have to cook green bologna? They just threw it at them. What's worse?

I don't know. Our goal was if they were in lockdown, we opened up the tray door. We tried to throw it in and then get into the toilet with the food. Like air hockey? Yeah, like air hockey. Just slide it through the trap doors. Were you trained to do this? Hashtag prison guards are dicks.

That's what you were trained to do is try to get their food into the toilet. That was protocol. Not exactly, but that's our camaraderie was if we could open up the trap door, slide it in, huck it through the tray door, and then get it into the toilet for a whole month. It was right on. It was a good day. You know that's wrong now, right? Yeah, but it was.

You were a young person at that time no she's abused by it still but it was funny at the time i don't know everyone's doing it that's definitely right on when i went back home to visit one time one of my friends had become we had gotten fights and stuff as we were younger and he was a prison guard and we were i saw him at a bar and we were drunk and he grabbed me you gotta got to come work with me. I just fuck people up for a living. So yeah, that's the mentality of a prison guard. Your experience.

It's got to be one or two good ones, right? I know you listeners love to figure shit out and tweet me relentlessly. I asked one question, but the guy that wrote the book, he wrote a book about hobos on the trail, train tracks, and he lived as one. He went out riding trains, and then he wrote a book about Sing Sing. He

was a prison guard at Sing Sing and wrote just to write the book, and he was depressed to the point of fucking suicidal being a prison guard as we're talking about this i remember a guy who sent us stuff and his uh stoner cat i think is his thing uh twitter but he was a prison guard and he messaged me and talked to me about how he was a prison guard and dealt with people who were unstable and how he dealt with people who were

unstable you know in a fucking humane manner yeah, there's good prison guards for sure. That guy was pretty cool. It's so fucked up. I mean, I watch it. I know it's going to be manipulated to some extent. I say manipulated without trying to. Never mind. No, no, no.

She's fine. I'm stopping myself. I'm not even alluding to any something else something else uh stop stop i'm not gonna air this part make a point don't don't fucking beat up on her like i don't know how you want to present that no because we just kind of get that we just no we just kind of get down on her for like like you know that's not right and everything but i don't want your hey molly head everything's good no, but I don't want your, Hey, Molly head. Everything's good.

No, no, listen, I don't want someone like, Hey, don't get that. Okay. I didn't get that.

We're good. No one in the room got that. We're good. No, I wasn't saying you said anything. I was saying you might want to preface. Or continue on in a more positive manner. Exactly. Thank you.

Yes, sir. Well, let's get to it. Sorry. Sidebar. manner exactly thank you yes well let's get to it sorry sidebar we talked about having a seal team six of the uh killer termites and one of the guys i mentioned sent me a fucking registered letter that i had to go track down the mail person to sign to get this registered letter. And it's basically just an email.

It's nine pages. I'll let Chad just shuffle it like cards and pick a paragraph and read it. This is it right here. Just grab one. Grab one. Close your eyes and grab a page and just read a paragraph. Anyways, fuck. I'm in line and this Muslim dude is trying to get his pimply-faced fucking kid

to put a chicken burger in his Happy Meal. This kid is like, no, man. It comes with a mini burger. Or if you want chicken, it's got to be nuggets or a mini wrap or some shit. Muslim dude is like, no, I get before she do for me. She put chicken. Oh, please. Oh, you try again.

This went on for 10 minutes until the manager finally gave in and said, we don't do it. But fuck it. You're being a cunt. Yada, yada. Okay, this time. I'm not reading any more of this douchebag's letter. That's Ken

Sully. Good Twitter dude. He's the guy with the dog with the hat guy. I mentioned him. This is a registered fucking letter. I used to work at this and I worked for Toyota or something. This is just a random, like if you had a prison pen pal and he just wrote, and then I did, I just, notes you would pass in class.

Hey, what are you doing fifth period? You know what I'm doing? I'm gonna skip music class. It's the whole nine pages. Registered. I chased down a mail person like I'm getting served for another fucking lawsuit. I have another good analogy. It's like where you make your friend just read a paragraph of that shit for no reason.

Fucking asshole. Keep it to 140 characters. This is why Twitter exists, Ken Sully. Break. Yeah, should we break or should we just wrap it up? Doesn't matter. Don't take that out, Chaley. I want you to keep that in.

I wasn't coming down on you for beef. No, no, I out, Chaley. I want you to keep that in. I wasn't coming down on you for being a sadist. No, no, I was a sadist. I wasn't concerned with here because we can all see each other. I don't want people to take away from it that we were getting down on her for what she was doing. It's whatever. Day like today, and Butters is in the room. Where a lot of gay people died needlessly.

White pride, gay power? Gay pride, white power. Did you say white gay pride power? I don't know. I'm drunk. I'm drunk too. Works both ways. So why did you leave the prison system?

The Joe Arpaio. Did he touch you? Say prison system? Three years. The Joe Arpaio. Did he touch you? Say yes. Oh, totally, totally all over. I just couldn't get enough of it. I just needed to move on. Three years wasn't enough for that system.

And the ACLU was coming down on me like it is now. And I just needed out. That's it. But you're saying abuse is rampant in the Joe R. Pyle. I did see some stuff that I thought was clearly I had a problem with. Like you throwing guys green bologna in a toilet

and then high-fiving? More or less. I don't want to seem like we're coming down on her. We should be fucking coming down on her. What color is the line? The thin line. We're leaving her completely sacrosanct because she had great heckles at baseball.

Wait, we should be fucking hammering her. I'm doing this for the heckles. What color is the thin line of prison guards? You got the thin blue line as cops and the thin red line as the military. What thin line? Beige. It's a thin thin line? It's beige. It's a thin beige line.

It's a green baloney line. Yes, the difference between good and bad baloney. It's good and bad prison guards. You deal with all kinds of people. Jodi Arias was in there, the one that's... Name dropper. What?

What? Did she throw baloney at her? Yeah, she's in there for... Did she throw bologna at her? No, she should have, man. Horrible person, but you see some stuff... Yeah, but she's hot, though, and you know that because you're a lesbian. I wouldn't touch that. No, she's strictly dickly, sir. You're gayer than

butters. I'll put... I'll suck a dick right here, motherfucker. Yeah, but it would be his, and no one wants to see that. Her sugar daddy. Pick your pants off. dick right here, motherfucker. Yeah, but it would be his and no one wants to see that. Or Sugar Daddy. Take your pants off. There's no way we can do who's obviously more gay.

Butters or Amy Jane. Step away from the zipper. Butters, what do you think? Come here. Get over here. Gator. Does Gator work both ways for both sexes this mic okay yeah yeah go ahead you're good right there this is gaydar does gaydar work for you with women or just men for me i feel it's kind of like star wars it's a force oh you feel the force the force doesn't matter whether it's kind of like Star Wars. It's a force. Oh, you feel the force? The force doesn't matter whether it's male or female.

Yeah, I can feel it. I could so see her just like licking on one of those holes. Hold on. Now we need to know male or female. Dick hole or bejeejee hole? Preference, I guess.

I can see it. That chick's a dude. Just fucking say it. You, her husband or her boyfriend, just say, my woman's a dude. And I love that. Are you? Say it.

You don't have to say it. She is basically a dude. Basically. Fuck yeah a dude. Basically. Basically. Right. Fuck yeah, dude. When I high five her, she goes to fist bump me and looks at me like I'm a pussy for just giving the open palm. All right?

The chick's a dude. I'm tempted to spit on the fist first to help it ease it in. See, what chick would just say that? A dude. A chick a dude. A chick dude. A chick a dude. If you had to make love with Butters, would you be on top?

No, I'd drop to my knees. I'd do them right. I'd do them right. What? Yeah, you got to work up to it. Hold my harness? Hold my harness. Hold my harness. Butters is going so gay now.

He bought a leather harness. I don't know if you know Butters from the fucking program. He's using Tinder lingo. I just called this a program. He just bought a harness and I think you, did you put a picture of it on Facebook?

He made me watch a video of it on Facebook? No, not on Facebook. He made me watch a video of him stripping at Comic-Con earlier with his harness on. It was awesome. It was very good. You did a good job. I got ladies' favorite. Ladies' favorite. I did.

Aren't they all? I can see that. I can see that. Poured water on myself. Get on the mic, please. I didn't want to watch it, but I mean, I can see that. Come on, Chad. We share a lot, please. I didn't want to watch it, but I mean, I can see that. Come on, Chad. We share a lot, you and I.

We're good friends, butters. All right, so right now we're up in the air on this Tucson, at Tucson Saguaro's. Hey, if you're on Twitter, talk to the Tucson Saguaro's about, hey, maybe tilt a cap at us one third of the audience 100 of the vocal audience coach gave us a hand wave did and number five i don't know who that is tracy is she here no uh she would remember number five also gave us a uh tip of the cap kind of thing yeah yes but here here's the here's the problem the the umpire that we trashed every breathing second for three innings gave us a tilt of the cap before the fucking team

that we are bringing the fucking microphone for. You know what? We don't like baseball. We like heckling and making fun, and we're trying to make it fun for you. So if you're not on our side, we're not on your side. And we'll come root for the other fucking team just as easily against their will. So, yeah. Or just drink here.

Much easier, you know, because we've got to smuggle booze in there. It's a fucking pain in the ass. We can get on the deck with a bullhorn and heckle where they can hear us from where we live. Because you won't have a fucking PA. You'll have a dude talking to himself in the back row. And we'll be up here just... What? Sounds like they're talking about our game.

Yeah, we're talking about you. We could even heckle specifically because we can go on the Tucson Saguaro's website and see the play-by-play from the scorekeeper, Gary. There's a little applet that shoots up that tells us how many, like, that was a strike. That was a ball. That sounds more exciting than the actual game.

Yeah, the game's not exciting for us. We're doing this for you, and Chaley is going out of his way to set this shit up before the game. We talked about throwing out the first pitch. I want Chaley to throw it out. I don't know who the guy is that I talked to. I don't know if he's the head of the team or the league.

No one knows who's in charge. But yeah, fucking Quinn might be coming out for 4th of July from Impractical Jokers. I'm like, yeah, we have an actual kind of famous person. We'll make him throw out the first pitch. And you're going to give me shit about... Oh, no. Fuck him.

No, fuck him. So yeah, hey, Tucson Saguaro's, we outnumber you when we come to the fucking ball field. So tip a fucking cap or we ain't coming back because we can do this shit at home. At Tucson Saguaro's? At Tucson Saguaro's. Sorry, we're in the Southwest.

So it's S-A-G-U-A-R-O-S. So it's S-A-G-U-A-R-O-S. Rewind. S-A-G-U-A-R-O-S. Fucking Google it close. It'll fucking correct you. At Tucson Suarez. Go, hey, fucking.

This was an issue early on where we started calling them the Bisbee killer termites. This goes way back in the podcast. If you're a new listener, then start from episode one. If you're a new listener, you've already tuned out by now during this podcast. So not an issue. Let's go back. It does bear mentioning that we leave the best sports bar in Bisbee. Only sports bar. best sports bar in bisbee only doug's funhouse sports but we leave here on a sunday when now we don't even go to the saturday market because we don't spend that much time outside the fence

but we go to the sunday games i mean that that's it's it's not that we want to that we're such diehard fans we enjoy the time and what we get to do there so we enjoy heckling we hope you enjoy our heckling if you don't we'll gladly no problem also supporting little league yes i didn't know that the fucking little league was involved but yeah we give we they're really happy that we're there we started calling them the bisbee killer termites, but at the same time, the Bisbee killer termites had made, uh, Bisbee,

the number one, small historic. So when we, we, the first game we started going, go Bisbee killer termites, trying to pretend that that's the team name, trying to change your name.

But then it sounds like we're rooting for us. So we just abandoned that. I went with Tucson Saguaro's, but yeah, it's weird. So, hey, fucking Saguaro's, you want us around? Fucking shoot a tweet our way. Hey, one more time, your Twitter. Butters, what's your... Tinder handle.

Grinder, you mean? Grinder. Is that what it is? Exactly. It's actually at hawk4444, like the bird. You know what? If you want to get a hold of Butters for any kind of sexual deviant purposes, Chad Shank is now his pimp.

Daddy Shank. News to me, but I'm taking jobs. You need the fucking money? I'm taking jobs. Spare change. I'm sexy now, so you can get me out. Butters is cute. I can work this out.

Fuck the gay away. Fuck the gay away. Fuck the gay away. If anybody really is listening to this for the first time, hey, try again. This isn't really what it's like. At HD Fatty. I love this one. I really enjoyed this podcast.

Me too. That was tongue-in-cheek. At HD Harley Davidson HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman. Hyman Doberman. I got rid of my Harley, remember? I'm now Hyman Doberman Fatty. But not on Twitter.

You're the one who said Hyman Doberman. You're the one who came up with it. On the podcast. HD can stand for whatever the fuck anybody wants. Oh, Hyman Doberman. Yeah. You don't know your fucking... You don't know your fucking you don't know your army fucking alphabet hyman doberman at greg chaley this is a hard one for a lot of people that email

me chaley is c-h-a-i-l-l-e greg chaley i'm not spelling greg you. If you can't spell Greg, fuck you. Chaley. Rehab. Yeah, I might be going into rehab. Funhouse rehab. Another one? Well, self-imposed. I gotta go to New York. I got some fucking other problems going on.

Oh, can you promote the skank? Not real rehab. I'm just moved to the other house where i'm fucking you know gene connors you don't listen to this fucking podcast text before you come over you know sometimes i'm just sitting in here trying to work god damn you gene gene connors do you want to promote uh you're going to be at the skank fest skank fest yes absolutely i'll be at skank fest but i don't know when. It's that weekend. Next Sunday. The 19th. A week from today.

Oh, and Howard Stern. On the 20th. May 20th, 2016. You mean June? June, May? You said May. Some months. June. June. June 20th. 2016. Yeah. Well, then crank out these podcasts. You got, what, three in the hole?

Alright, yeah. Get them out this week, because Stern, oh, that's going to be a fucking wonderful day. I can't wait. Dodgeball. Hey, though. All right. Oui.

Let's all guess. There's no drunk people here. All right. Yeah, let's, I'm going to guess 46 minutes. Runtime is what you're guessing. Because we didn't take a break.

So we can just guess. Yeah. 37. Nah. 25. She's betting low. Butters? $1.

What? I'm going to go high. 51. Butters says 51. I'm going to guess because I'm looking right at it. 49 minutes, 28 seconds. I'm the closest without going over. Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. I win my own podcast.

Suck 50 dead gay dicks out of solidarity. For the 50-minute podcast. Hashtag tears for queers. Hey, Chad Shank. Greg. Greg Chaley? Greg Chaley. All right, good.

Thanks. Hey, killer termites, you coming to Bisbee? And you want a signed copy of my book? And I'm out of town? Don't you fret, yo! You can get an autographed copy of my book, Digging Up Mother, right here in Bisbee at Bisbee Books and Music.

It's right there at the Bisbee Convention Center. If you can't find the Bisbee Convention Center. If you can't find the Bisbee Convention Center, evidently it's at 2 Copper Queen Plaza. But all you really have to do is you take a right when you come into the bottom of Tombstone Canyon. It's what's Main Street. It's the first thing on your left when you go up Main Street. Just go to a bar and say, where's the Convention Center? And they go say where's the convention center and they go what's the convention center because no one really knows because it's not really a convention center you go it's between the bisbee grill and uh the bisbee coffee shop table is what

they call the bisbee grill i refuse to call it that but it's in this little tiny everyone fucking knows just go hey where is the bisbee grill or bisbee table or the bisbee coffee shop and it's in that little tiny center there it's a little tiny shop but they have fucking doug stanhope books and uh other shit bisbee related it's a nice place to go and you can go to the bisbee table or table or just say Bisbee Grill because I will never recognize their new name. Or go get yourself a cup of coffee and go, hey, where's the bookstore that's right next door to you inside? And yeah, they have autographed copies of my book. And if they're out, they'll call me and go, hey, can you run up here for a second and autograph a copy of this book

and if i'm in town i'll do it because they're very nice that old bookstore wouldn't even carry my fucking dvds i never asked them to i never asked them why they didn't on their own i just assume everyone hates me but this person doesn't hate me so i go in there and i go autograph books and i'm nice to that person and they're awkward with me and i'm awkward with them but uh go there because they're very nice people and they asked me to even do a book signing so yeah someone in old bisbee likes me and their name is bisbee books and music you can find them at bisbeebambam.com. bisbeebam.com. Probably get sued for fucking stealing that catchphrase.

Phone number 520-353-4009. No prank calls on this one. I get to live here. Mm-hmm. All right. Before I get to some quick thank yous, I want to... Don't forget, Monday, I'm at skank fest this weekend, which is, uh, June. I think it's already going on, but I'll be there June 20th.

It's going on all this weekend, June 18, 19, 20, uh, skank fest in New York somewhere. Just Google search skank fest. There's not two of them. If it's got an XXX behind it, that's not the right skank fest. So I'll be there doing something. I will be doing Howard Stern on Monday the 20th. So tune in to Howard Stern if you have the Sirius XM. And if you don't, your drive to work is drudgery. Every minute in the car is drudgery if you do not have Sirius XM. Far more worth the money than cable television, even, I would say that, if you spend time in your car because you have a job. I don't, so it's a

50-50. All right, so yeah, tune in for that. And I'm doing David Feldman's podcast. I know that. I'm doing Artie Lang's on Monday the 20th. I don't know when all this shit airs. I'm trying to do Anthony Cumia. I don't know if he's in fucking Long Island. I'm just not going.

I can't deal with the traffic there. I'm suicidal every second I'm in New York City. I will see Sal Volcano of the Impractical Jokers there. I know that. I don't know who else I'll see. If I don't see you and I should be seeing you if I'm in New York, it's because I've got shit to do. These guys are... Get a gig at Skank Fest next time and I'll see you there.

If you're a friend and I'm in New York and you're going, why didn't he call me? Because I got shit to do. Why aren't you in Skank Fest? I should be blaming you for not having an act. I don't have an act. I think I'm doing some live podcast shit. I might be judging an awkward competition.

I don't know. It's all... My life is fucked. But you'll hear all about it on monday the 20th on howard stern if you haven't heard it here first uh thank yous let me get to the thank yous uh some are uh in the arrears because i cleaned out that shelf where i put shit where i go oh this is where i podcast so i'll remember it but i don't i just build up a hoarder shelf of shit so there's some things i found there's a lot of letters and postcards i didn't get to those but thank you i

read them i enjoy them someone sent a st louis blues brand new with tags jersey i got a legitimate jersey for the st louis blues because i knew I was rooting for them out of default because I like their fucking jersey. And they sent one because, don't worry, it was a bad beat. It had the wrong colors on it, so we just sent it to you. Thank you very much. I don't have your name. I lost the fucking shit that went with it.

But you know who you are. Someone tweeted that to me chaley i know you don't have a mic set up because you just set this one up so i could do thank yous someone tweeted uh to me uh one of the bisbee twitter accounts uh said something about they're using this whole uh bisbee best historic small town thing even one of the fucking mayoral candidates the other ken ken budge for mayor has already had the fucking american legion whoever hosts the fucking dumb fourth of july parade although the theme this year is bisbee best historic town one of the bisbee life uh i think it's at bisbee life i don't know they tweeted it and some

guy some guy go hey you forgot to thank doug stanhope and the killer termites in response on twitter and i tweeted back hey lbj didn't thank all the people that fixed and rigged his elections when he won so just sit back and smile and be happy that we did it. Like LBJ would. I thought that was a clever tweet. Since you're not all on Twitter, unfortunately, and you don't read every single tweet or retweet, well, that's the angle we take.

Thank you for... Someone sent me a book, Whistling Vivaldi. Something about how stereotypes... I thumbed through it. There's too many big words. I won't get to it until I'm out of the country on a hammock in Costa Rica. But by Claude Steele.

Someone sent me or brought me, I don't know. It's a book by a band, NoFX, and they said the parallels were so similar to my book. It's called NoFX, The Hepatitis Bathtub and Other Stories. I don't know if that's on my label, but it's, yeah. If you type in N-O-f-x and hepatitis into google and you get something other than that it's weird so i'm that's that that that i'm taking on the road with me that's a first read along with kelly carlin i have kelly carlin i got a fucking bunch of books i gotta get out of the country charlie so i can oh yeah there's the the dog wants to say thank you i have so many fucking books i have to read i got david spade's book it's uh oh i get that the one uh how to win friends and influence people

i have a feeling i'm gonna read that when i'm on the lam and it's too late oh geez this is how i i should have handled it like this chad shank was absolutely right someone sent a giant box of tattoo porn mostly the people with tattoos like like uh what do you call goth porn i don't know suicide girlish uh no one takes it in the ass in any of them i had a i had a adderall night where i went through a lot of them looking for anything there's nothing more hardcore than the tattoos uh but the guy said he sent it he sent me these because the actor porn actor james dean is uh i i don't know if he was the one accused of rape or the one that had AIDS and didn't tell anyone. I think he's the rape guy, but either way, he goes, I can't watch these in

good heart anymore, so I thought I'd send them all to you. Well, thanks. Thanks for me being the guy that it's okay to jack off to rapist porn, i gave him a look big uh thank you that i i forgot because we were we were we were under pressure we were under the thumb we were out of our element i was doing a book signing in new york city and uh this dude uh gave us a big i thought he said klonopin when uh he emailed me afterwards it was klonzapam pams are generally and that's why i know now why they didn't knock my dick in the dirt when i was trying to go to bed so many nights take two as well so anyway the point is he gave me a whole fucking bottle and i went no man that's way too much and he's i got i get these shitload of these and uh evidently i i talked to him afterwards i don't

know but i never said thank you for giving me a big giant bottle of things that put me to sleep and take away the morning shakes thank you mark i was remiss to not remember that as i am every fucking thing you send me tommy peters uh oh my gosh where are these fucking books tommy peters he i i only get part of a letter this guy he wrote 13 novelettes or he's in the process of writing them a little like uh or he's in the process of writing them a little like uh novellas okay thank you chaley off mike and he sent he sent me some and unless these actually came from the police department he actually sent me books to the bisbee pd not a good idea uh excerpt this is from tommy excerpt from the police department mission statement it is the right of all persons within the department's jurisdiction to be free from criminal acts underlined to be secure in their possessions and to live in peace and he wrote

he sent these with a note that said, these books belong to Doug Stanhope, a citizen living within your jurisdiction, thinking it would be funny that the police department would have to come over here and fucking deliver. No, he said that he thought they would be hand-delivered by the police since they're, yeah, thank you. Why don't you just call fucking 911 on me for some scurrilous fucking yeah there's no way anything fucking illegal could be going on here you dumb fuck

anyway i appreciate i it was a very creative way to do that but what he did he sent me two of these novellas each with a a a post-it note basically saying hey there are 13 missing words in this episode write them on page 71 as you come across them it it will make sense later rob it's signed rob Who's fucking Rob if your fucking name is Tommy Peters? I don't know. Rob must be the guy that edited this and fucked up because page 71 is a blank page at the end. And there's no way I'm going to read a book. I'm already like so it's so different. I almost said ADHD. No, I just have a hard time paying attention. So if you start me out by going, look for the missing word, but I'm still supposed to follow the fucking thing.

No, reedit it. It's a paperback that's the size of a postcard and it's 60 pages. Reedit it. Don't send me a puzzle and a book all in the same time but here's the fucking capper and and chaley you will send these out remind me at the end of this because you will send these out with merchandise because what he did not only did rob same handwriting so rob must be tommy peters tommy peters is the gnome de plume uh he autographed both of them and numbered both of them. Are you with me? Autographed and numbered both of them. One to me. One to Johnny.

Both with the business card. Wait, the fucking business card says Jack. What the fuck is that? Maybe he did the cover art. Yeah, that matches. The one to Johnnyny you know what it's i'm not gonna read one of you whoever buys fucking merch these will go out with book orders yes and uh someone's gonna get this the one to johnny is to obviously johnny numbered8. I got a personalized autograph 119.

So Johnny Depp took fucking precedent over me. Reason number two, I'm not going to read your puzzle book. One of 13 in a series. I don't know how many have been read, but look for the bloodunkies by Tommy Peters, episode one, in two orders. And please get a hold of me on Twitter

and take a picture, should you be the lucky Willy Wonka golden ticket winner. And if you get the one for Johnny, pass it on to him. I've got plenty of fucking weird email sent to me for Johnny since all this shit happened, but we'll have to get to that ways down the line. Those are the thank yous. I'm sure there's a bunch I'm missing, and I'm sure I'm backdated. This weekend, Skankfest in New York City and Howard Stern Monday, Artie Lang Monday, David Feldman Monday. I'm sorry I don't have the appropriate addresses,

but you have Google and you're smart, smart people. And I will also still be, Chaley, selling books. We buy them off fucking Amazon. That's why we have to jack up the price. But I'll sign them for you. And if you have, what do we do about this? People have contacted me saying, hey, I bought a book. Can I get it signed? Yeah, I guess if you send it to me with that fucking weird box already pre-labeled,

or just wait. I'll be on the road again eventually. Just wait until I show up in your town. I'll sign it in your town. You know me. I always hang out whoring around the merch booth like a fucking broken man. So just do that. Or forge it.

Have another comic sign it. Go see another comedian that's funny that's in town and have him sign it and then tweet it at me and I'll retweet it. And then he'll go, oh, he retweeted me. The retweet is the autograph of the new millennia. So fuck off. And it's been a while since we've heard uh the love boat which we were singing on the way back from the ball game so play the mattoid

love exciting and come above we're expecting you and love. Life's sweetest ripple. Let it flow. It floats back to you. It floats back to you.

The love boat. Soon we'll be making another run. The love boat. Promises something for everyone. Set your goals for adventure. Your man and your old man. Because life, it won't hurt anymore. It's an open smile on a friendly shore The love boat

Soon will be making another run The love boat Promises something for everyone Said the ghost worth with Promise is something for everyone. Send the goods for a friend. You're mine and you're never old. It's love. Welcome aboard. It's love.