The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #148: There Will Be Blood!

Episode Date: June 25, 2016

Doug and Bingo return with stories from their trip to New York, SkankFest 2016 and what happened in Tucson.Recorded June 23, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Bingo (@bingobingaman), Floyd (@ArizonaLizards), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   Big Jay Oakerson - @BigJayOakerson - http://www.bigjaycomedy.com/   David Feldman Podcast - http://davidfeldmanshow.com/doug-stanhope/   The Mario Bosco Story - https://www.amazon.com/hopeless-Hollywood-Mario-Bosco-Story/dp/163367102X   Closing song, "Danny's Song", by Loggins & Messina. Covered by Michael McDonald on YouTube.com.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Oh, Floyd. There you go. Give it a shot there, Bingo. Testing, testing. One, two, three. Floyd, we're podcasting. Floyd will be having a vodka soda splash of crayon if we have it. I don't know what's been run out of stock since we've been away in New York City.

New York City. Get a rope. Yeah. I got a list of notes that are somewhat chronological as best as they can be but the big news is floyd's here oh let me bring this up because floyd is here floyd wrote we did that on a podcast we wrote his response about the nematodes we had yeah did we read radical nematoid revolution, I believe it was. Yeah, he wrote back about the – he wrote a nice letter in their letters to the –

No, I don't think we read the response. I didn't even know about it. In the police beat. At the break, we'll go to that older police beat, Bisbee Observer. It would have been a not one. All right, so we'll get to that later. Bingo, Bingaman is here. Chad Shank is here.

Greg Chaley is here. And in the audience, we have Jess Jen, Floyd, and Kenny for mayor. Still for mayor. Even though he never got his signatures, he's still running against his will. Henry's outside barking to get in because it's 190 degrees in Arizona. We have to keep the AC off while we podcast. Killer termites got their day in court. Yes, you did.

Yeah. And not because of anything we did. The city manager, outgoing city manager, Justin Johnson, who we're supposed to have cocktails with before he leaves town tomorrow night. Again, why I should have a list of shit that I got to do. But right now I'm fucked. Killer termites last night at the city council meeting. Justin Johnson made it happen. And Gene Connors, the senator, the commissioner.

Yeah, they got to push through that July 3rd, which is baseball. Bisbee Killer Termites baseball, a.k.a. the Tucson Saguaros. But yes, what do you got? Doubleheader. Doubleheader on the 4th of July weekend. Monster weekend. Mishka's here. Christine Lev levine is here bingo's here she's playing live now with kelly carpenter we're gonna have a fucking massive weekend

it's comedy music there's gonna be a magic off between matt becker and bang bang kenny not to be confused with mayor Kenny, local magician. And the warlock. And the warlock. There's a third. That's Christine Levine's cuckold husband that lives in a shed. Wizard. Wizard.

But yeah, they fuck. Yeah. Killer termites. Because of your diligence in making Bisbee the number one small historic town. I gave up on it. I'm like, fuck it. We'll just declare Killer Termites Day. We don't need a council.

But you know what? They had the temerity. I've used that word a couple times lately. I don't know what it means. It might be wrong. The gall. How many of my fans are going to go? Not the gall.

There'll be three. Like the the balls like the temerity like how dare you the gumption how about gumption everyone loves gumption's good yeah i i wore out on trying to get them to do it but they went ahead and said hey how do you want this phrased i go they the first time i phrased it it was wrong you do this shit for a living you phrase it. I was nicer than that because they're counsel. That might be a better day, actually. That might be a better turnout than... They go, what day do you want it?

I go, 4th of July. We can't do that. We can do the 3rd, which works out perfect because that's baseball. So we get that out of the way. Everyone's going to be off before the 4th of July. The 3rd is perfect. The 3rd is Sunday. You will always, always, always be off on the 3rd of July.

That's awesome. Not if it's a Tuesday or a Wednesday or something. No one's going to go to work on a... Well, we'll be off. No one works in this town, and the killer termites in general don't have jobs. You're 80% disability, 90% dudes.

Alright, where do we start? I have no idea. We thought the name of this podcast is There Will Be Blood. And there will be blood by the end of this podcast, so you'll know what we're talking about.

But we have to start when we left for New York to do press. Left on Friday. Yes. No, we flew on Friday. We went up to the hotel on Thursday. Oh, yeah. Stayed overnight. Yes.

We dropped you off, Tracy and Ike. Well, you stayed with us. Yeah. And then we had a little staycation. We didn't leave the state. Yeah, you went to Phoenix in the biggest heat wave. Fifth hottest day in the history of Phoenix. 119 degrees.

You're up there fucking shopping at Ikea. No. In a suit. In a suit. I wore at Ikea. No. In a suit. In a suit. I wore a suit everywhere. I fucking wore a suit the whole fucking time. Goofy polyester? Absolutely.

Even in New York, I had linen. It was vintage, but it was still linen. At one point, it was like 114, something like that, during the day. Trace, what was the hottest it got? 119. 119. Yeah. I read it.

It was a New York Times headline i read it it was a new york times headline so i went down what it was i went down to the lobby at the aloft and they don't know if you if you miss if you miss the breakfast they serve breakfast there's a live person no robots or or you know bags and stuff and i went down there and i go we missed twisty handle on the fruit loops machine so we went down there and I went down there to get something and just grabbed like mac and cheese or something. Something you could do in the microwave. And I go, you guys got any, like something that wasn't there?

I can't remember what it was. And he goes, no, you can go right next door to the Circle K. I go, sir, I'm not leaving the hotel. And that was it. That was my mantra for two days. We didn't even leave the hotel. No pool? Well, we would go in the pool, but we were on property.

Come on. God, we got in that pool. It was so good. And that's why we went up early, was to try to get an hour's worth of sun before we went to New York City to do Stern. Because I knew if I had a tan, he'd go, oh, you look good.

And he did. He did. He absolutely did. Yeah. So that worked out. We got an hour's worth of sun, jumped in that pool, and it was immediately you go, I'm sterilized of any Zika virus, AIDS, hepatitis. There's so much chlorine in this goddamn pool.

I didn't even have I don't think I've showered since. That's a stretch. Maybe we did. Maybe we had to. I don't think you did either. We should have. I get a text at some point when we're in New York City. We fly out on Friday, go through Atlanta.

We're in the Sky Club. A couple days later. Hey, this is Stephanie, the drummer for Kid Rock. This is my number. Now you have it. Met you in hot Atlanta. Love to hang out sometime. And I went in a bingo.

Oh, yeah, you did shower because you were in the shower when I was reading you this. Proof! Proof! You never get in the pool, though. Okay, okay. It's a wash. No pun. Okay, go ahead.

And I go, do you ever remember meeting Kid Rock's drummer in Atlanta? She goes, yeah, on the way here. In the Sky Club Lounge. Yeah, you talk to him and his merch guy. You walk them to their gate. And I had no memory, but I remembered as she's telling me, I go, yeah, they were flying out of T gates and I was embarrassed. I still don't remember them,

but I remember walking them down to where you get the train and i was embarrassed i didn't remember where t gates were on the train because i atlanta that's my mecca it's a fucking delta with smoking yeah yeah so uh so and then i went and we were at gate b24 yeah it's right across the way i remembered smoking with weird people. I just didn't remember, but yeah, now I'm friends with Stephanie. And then I looked her up online. She's a black girl with blonde hair.

Sometimes dreads, sometimes just crazy. Like, how do I not remember her, but I remember what gate she's flying out of. So, yeah. And,

but I talked to the merch guy about you more than i talked to her according to bingo like merch guy's the most important guy and then i probably rambled on about chaley yeah tom tom the merch guy tom the merch guy i remember one of the first nights it was probably one of the first three nights i was actually on tour with Hedberg, flown in the middle of their tour with him and Stephen Lynch co-headlining, and things were not good. There was another guy. A little bit of tension. And I had no idea. And the first night, I think we were in Maryland.

But in the next two nights, we'd gotten close to Michigan. I can't remember the date. next two nights we'd we've gotten close to michigan i can't remember the date and about everyone except kid rock was at the show like the wives of the musicians who were like fucking barking orders for people to do stuff in a way that like hey look we want a room to like like a banquet room to drink in. We want a bar. Like, you can't do this. It's like, hey, how long have you been doing this? I go, three days.

No, no, let me, give me the phone. And they fucking grabbed the phone, and the wives or girlfriends, it was the guitarist, and then Aaron was there, the bass player who ended up hanging out a lot. We'll get to that story next. So, yeah, they ended up working it out. The manager, like, met us down at, like, the grand ballroom

or some little room off to the side. They had, are these enough bottles? We got ice. And we did this whole fucking thing. And I'm like, what the fuck? You'll know. You'll learn how to do this. And that was, yeah, that was trial by fire.

Day four, Chaley was a pro. Day four. We hooked up shawcroft was it was the emerald theater in outskirts of detroit and shawcroft's there and she knows the kid rock people so aaron is a bass player aaron juliuson was the bass player uh yeah he comes to the show with his girlfriend eyes out of my tit fucked on stage yelling it was the don't boo a girl show on youtube yeah so afterwards we go out with the kid rock guy and we go to the bar next door there's karaoke i think i don't know rock a rokey they were playing rock a rokey they were

playing their instruments they were all those guys were amazing yeah i i all i remember is at some point on stage i had pulled out my balls for because it was necessary so on the walk to the bar afterwards the girlfriend who was a little uptight hot as fuck though she's absolutely rock and roll hot yeah yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, she's bass player hot, but a level bass player hot. I don't. All I remember is she's like, I can't believe you pulled your balls out on stage. I go, no, these are prosthetics. These are rubber balls. And I pull my balls out.

I go touch him. They feel like real balls. She's like, yeah. Oh, my God. They feel like real balls. And then a second later she's like ah cut cut to the honeymoon suite in a days in if you can imagine what that's like it's a shitty room at a days in but it has a jacuzzi tub in the middle of it. And there was like nine dudes that we just littered it with body hair and grotesqueness and empty beer cans. And yeah, it was a letdown.

No chicks anywhere. Maybe the girlfriend was still there frowning after. No, she wasn't even there. No. I'm sure Aaron closed it out with us, though. That was his MO. Yeah, we were all there at the end. I remember seeing that tub in the morning.

Someone had pulled the drain on it, and it was just like they opened it, opened a window, and all the trees lost their leaves. I mean, that was how much it was gross in there. Hey, who shaved a bear? Cigarette butts. Yeah, it was disgusting. Right after I got married, we went to the honeymoon suite of a day's end with the jacuzzi in it. I may have told this story, but that's where I made the mistake of pulling the filter out before we got in.

Yeah, I think you did. If you didn't tell it on a podcast, I remember grimacing when you told us off the air. Yeah, yeah. So we go to New York and skank fest. Big Jay Oakerson, fucking who's the best. I felt bad because I told him ahead of time,'ll go but i have no act i'm doing stern on the monday so if you're doing the day before i'll do it but i'll do like a live podcast and he goes yeah we have some competitions you can judge and stuff but i never heard from anyone

hennigan didn't even show up till saturday with my schedule and i'm on the bill as doug stanhope shot clog podcast which i think we've get did we get rid of that name officially stripped it two podcasts ago i do have a question yeah uh what is skank fest because when i was reading the thing it's had a lot of podcasts but a lot of comics yeah they did they have a podcast called Legion of Skanks as well as The Bonfire. They have two podcasts. That's Big J. That's Big J.

So they did Skank Fest, which I swear on one podcast I did, I promised we are going to do a Bisbee Comedy Festival because they pulled that shit off so well in just one bar. We could do that shit here between that small stage the patio stage and the royale yeah we can pull off a bisbee comedy festival and we're gonna fucking do it and and and there's more we'll get to it uh had a lot of fun they just had me scheduled for my own podcast, but it was through Decapo Press to promote my book. I can't do my own podcast to promote my book

that I've been promoting on my own stupid podcast here. But Sal Volcano was there. Jay jumped in. You were there. Bunch of people jumped in. The panel was you, Bingo, Brian, and Sal. Sal Valcow. And Dave's, Dan Smith.

Who is. Didn't see him in the photos, but yeah. So you did have guests. They had him removed with a hook, a vaudeville hook. But you did a regular podcast or what did you do? Well, it was a panel facing out to a live audience. So it sounded just a swap cast again. But whose podcast was it?

I just I said out loud, this is a community podcast. Anyone who has a podcast that's on this panel, just put it in Dropbox and everyone can put it out as their own podcast because I have no fucking idea what I'm doing here. And I didn't. No, you didn't at all. No. I was doing a podcast in front of audience. I wasn't bad on it. I don't remember a lot of hecklers.

People were really cool. We've done one before and it was an abortion. So that left a bad taste in Doug's mouth. This one was at seven o'clock at night or even six to seven is when it was how many people were packed in there do you think how many people 40 50 i'm guessing it's a small room okay but uh it was still it was a it was a fucking blast and seeing all those guys and people that i don't know if I know. But you don't even remember half of the podcast. Well, tell me about it.

That's why you're here. You're filling in the blanks, lady. All right. Well, just this stuff about. No, we don't bring that up. Okay. Then I won't bring that up. But you forgot about it.

I'm just saying I'm right. No one remembers anything about the podcast. I gave someone some shit i think but but i did that on a lot of podcasts i think so what happened that day i mean it was six to seven we got there on sunday on sunday that day in new york i mean you guys even sal volcano was drinking doubles i'm like i i'm not i get so terrified in those situations where I go, there's so many comedians here that I don't know if I know. Should I say nice to meet you? Is it nice to meet you?

You know what happened after the podcast? Todd Glass. I think I fell down. Oh, yeah, Todd Glass. Oh, I love you, Todd Glass. No, you didn't fall down, baby. You laid down in the largest pile of garbage bags. Oh, I laid down in giant New York garbage.

You know, those giant stacks. I just laid down with your drink. It's like the biggest oversized. Like a garbage strike? What do you call those? Beanbag chairs. Oh, yeah, of garbage bags. I was laying back.

They had a professional photographer out there. I'm like, hey, get me over here. Hey, get me. I'm laying in garbage. Ha, ha, get it? Funny. The photographer came running out. Oh, great photo op.

So did Todd Glass do a set or did he do a podcast as well? He did a podcast after we left. Okay. Bonnie was there. Rich Voss was there. Yeah, they were all doing different shit. Sets and goofiness and podcasts. And I had to leave.

I was done. And I had to do Stern in the morning. So I was responsible. Hey, I got to do Stern at nine. So I'm going to go home and go to bed at 830. Well, it's responsible. I did as responsible as you can be while laying in garbage before you're going to Stern show the next broad daylight, broad daylight.

Still, the sun is up. I got home. I was in bed by 830. laying in garbage before you're going to stern show the next broad daylight broad daylight still the sun is up i got home i was in bed by 8 30 took a xanax so i could be up early for stern and i was i was awake at 1 a.m and drinking came out of my came out of a dead sleep after sleeping five hours or so it's almost one o'clock and i I went, Oh fuck. I'm going to that Irish bar. Couple blocks away where I left my American express. I'm going to do this. I wake up with a lot of motivation sometimes. So I'm putting on my stupid polyester blue pants,

get dressed, find the American express in the blue pants. No need to go. No. I just said, well, no, the bar is still open till four in the blue pants no need to go no i just said well no the bar is still open till four in

the morning so i started drinking at one in the morning drinking fucking whiskey on the rocks on stern at knowing i have to be on stern but knowing that i thought the last podcast we did i burned my last three adderalls when When I was packing, I found one more. So I have no problem starting a drink at one. Get out of there at 315. Call a tell because I'm looking around New York and I'm like, this is why you're an insomniac because this is the only time this city is remotely livable is when there's no one on the streets.

And he answers the phone. Where are you at? I'll come meet you. So we're sitting out smoking cigarettes on the sidewalk. He brought me. You at three in the morning? Yeah, he's up. Fuck yeah. He's wandering around. He was two blocks away. He brought me a donut and a bagel and cream cheese. Yeah, he bought

bingo. He goes, I'm not going upstairs, but what would bingo like? I go, bagel and cream cheese. So we bought her a bagel and cream cheese. Yeah, he bought bingo. He goes, I'm not going upstairs, but what would bingo like? I go, bagel and cream cheese. So we bought her a bagel and cream cheese for delivery. I brought it to her. Yeah. Get to Stern at nine.

Thanks, David Tell. Bottle of Bushmills. Oh, yeah, the Bushmills. He goes, one of the guys, the fucking Stern crew are so great. And we listened to a lot of the, the Mamet guy. We met him.

We had just been listening to him. Richard Christie. He, oh shit. I don't know where that bag of gifts. I hope we didn't leave it there. You did. It did not come home with us. It did not come home.

It did not come home. Richard Christie, I'm sorry. The beer. Somewhere in the Bushmills, he had some special. He had a gift for us. We had gifts for him. I autographed a book for him. No one else on the show.

Richard Christie is our favorite. Killer Termite shirt. Killer Termite's game-worn jersey, meaning it was unwashed in my bag. But he had a gift for us. Howard Stern gave us a bunch of gifts. Fuck. You left your fucking swag bag in a cab or something? Maybe Hannigan took it. Oh, yeah.

Hopefully Hannigan took it. Yeah, he was there. I hope so. Probably. He probably didn't start drinking at one. Yeah, probably not. He started drinking afterwards because it went on from there. We weren't even scheduled for ONA.

Let's talk about Stern a bit because you heard it. Yeah, I listened to it. Hennigan said, if you listen to it, you won't like it. He sounded a bit too anxious, but bingo is perfect. Aw. That's a good assessment, I think. Yeah. But it was good.

I was jacked on Adderall. And that was the difference is you were more relaxed, I think, because you're probably drunk already, which you're usually not, I guess. It was good. I'm not since one in the morning drinking, but I said, ah, fuck it, we'll kinnison this thing. It was good.

Let's just go in. I never listened to, well sometimes i'll listen to the uh after show yeah the wrap-up show that was whenever you said big j okerson a couple weeks ago i was listening to the wrap-up show and i was about to shut it off and there was somebody on there i didn't recognize yeah yeah fucking everything that guy said fucking killed me i was laughing my ass off and so i waited and then i said it was Big J. Oakerson so I didn't know who that was. Yeah, Big J. But yeah, the wrap-up show guys talked really nice about you.

That's so great. Those guys are fucking fantastic. You're always weirded out when everyone's sober and you're just drinking whiskey right off the bottle. One of the guys came in and said, you want like a Coke to mix that with? I go, it's funnier if I'm drinking straight off the bottle.

Let's just go with funny. Or sad, however you take it. But I don't want to be sneaking in a Coke like I'm trying to hide this. No, we're getting fucking hammered. So the whole interview was passing the bottle. When the question was hard for me, you just hand me the bottle. I was like, okay, I'll take this right now fucking robin i love her so much so fucking great you guys had robin rolling with laughter the whole time that's one thing that i remember from listening to it was that you guys were cracking her up i like her a lot I do too Yeah Stern was even more engaged And usually he's overly complimentary

But I always take it as Like pandering Like I know you're nervous You're great You're a good person You know I take it the wrong way But our interview did go long He had us on there for longer than most

Because I wouldn't shut the fuck up Because you're Adderall And you're Bushmo He did sit on there for longer than most. Because I wouldn't shut the fuck up. Because you're Adderall. And you're Bushmills. He did sit on the couch. And another thing. He did sit on the couch with you guys and take a picture. I thought that was cool.

Yeah. Yeah, that was really cool. We're a couple of feet between us because you get that OCD thing. You didn't want to get our fucking bed bugs or crab lice or whatever we might be bringing in with the Bushmills. But the problem was we set it all up for Stern. I had my Adderall ready. I got my drink level perfect. And that was at 9 a.m. My last I had press all day till 9 p.m.

was the last. Artie Lang starts. So starts. Youaked super early we we weren't even scheduled for opie and jimmy but afterwards one of the guys hey do you have a second and then we went in there that was fun from what i remember a little more succinct i boiled down some stories and got a few thank yous out for people who were defending me. And it was nice. And then we had to do some like raw dog thing.

And you did your classic or your all time favorites. I had to pick my five top classic legendary comedians. No, because Doug was telling me about some of the other interviews. And then I asked him how it went. And he doesn't really remember. I don't really remember. But, oh, my memory gets less and less. Yeah.

Then David Feldman has a podcast. Are you still drinking? Is it still drinking going on? Maintenance drinking. But, yes. It's not like shots for all my friends. No. Wet the whistle.

Wet the whistle. No shots. Medicinally drinking. Yeah. You can't stop or you fall down. So you just got to keep it even flow even flow hey i'm adam sandler now anyway uh so david feldman the one of the most underrated comedians ever and the sweetest he's on the green room you might have seen him he's always in the green room in the

audience and he'd yell out with questions and shit he's so fucking funny we did his podcast in the lobby of the Algonquin Hotel which Stephen King's parents probably hang out there

it's the Algonquin and we're doing it loud, of course, and with foul language. It's a dark wood, very New York. It's the Algonquin. You can just picture it.

I've been there. So we're doing that podcast, but this is... Not only is he fucking great. When I told him about this place, he said, I want to film my next special in the fun house. And I go, you know what? I did Bill Burr. And we go, yeah, we should tour Yellowknife together.

But you know, we're never going to get around to it. I go, this is absolutely happening i'm going to pay for the film crew and i'm going to pay your airfare and travel out here put you up and that's all that's coming off the top of your sails we're doing this this is on the fucking books this is not some bullshit we'll get together then son kind of thing. Now, we're doing it and we've talked, Brian's talked to his people since sometime July

or August. David Feldman will be doing a special here. A DVD, right? A DVD. Yeah, we'll be filming our first Funhaus special. Funhaus Productions is in gear. July, late July or August?

It can't be late July. We're busy. No, no. He was going to do early July, but afterwards he said, I think August would be better. Early August. We'll figure it out. But if we're going to hire that same film crew from Salt Lake, we'll try to schedule like three people on a weekend. Sure. bang out three

Funhouse production DVDs. How about it? You want to do three artists in a weekend, kind of like the way they tape two Tonight shows on a Thursday? Floyd, you can pull your shit together to be an audience for three different nights, right? I would imagine so.

I imagine you imagine. Yes. We'd fill this motherfucker up three nights in a row nights right i would imagine so i imagine you imagine yes we've filled we've filled this motherfucker up three nights in a row for live live no you didn't have to say i repeated it for you so you didn't need the mic uh so yeah hopefully we can do christine levine i don't know who else we have a million to choose from oh my god my God. You've declined everyone until you've held everyone at arm's length until this Feldman character. Right on your hand. I got to talk to Chad about this.

I do have paper. There's paper. We have a room booked in L.A. for election night to do that. Chad, do you remember that one night we were fucking hammered inside oh yeah that one it's two in the morning and i said it was about a different project and i go i want you involved but i'm probably too drunk i I'll never remember this. And I remembered it, and we made that happen. And ever since then, all the shit we're talking about is happening. So, yeah.

So, yeah, Funhouse Productions. Don't have it. Absolutely. Nice. So, yeah, David Feldman. Look him up on YouTube. He has bits like all the bits that I enjoy of my own where you find something dark and weird,

but the argument is still somewhat indefensible. He goes a little weirder with it, like, you know, eat the homeless and stuff. But the sense of humor, he's everything that this crowd would enjoy. He looks conservative. He's old. He's probably 65, I'm guessing.

He's probably 53 and pissed if he's hearing it. But anyway. Is there any relation to a Mr. Marty Feldman? No, no. He's got normal eyes and Mr. Marty Feldman? No. No, he's got normalized and stuff. He's got really bad hair plugs, but you don't think he cares? He's that guy. He's great. So that's going to happen soon.

That was at 1 o'clock in the afternoon. That's 12 hours of drinking. Now we have to go do Anthony Cuma. Ant from O&A. But now he's got his own shit going on. Wait, you skipped something. Well, Christine Hodge showed up. Yeah, that's what you skipped.

Christine Hodge is in the book. And now I'm pretty shit-faced. Child star, head of the class. Red hair. Ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend, red hair. She's like, I want to come play. Yeah, so she shows up between Feldman and Cumia.

And in my head, I thought, fuck it, let's just go take over Cumia for at least part of it because he's got recording equipment so we can get, she's in the the book and we can get her into the audio book like you did with Patty and Sarah Highlander yeah this guy's at a real fucking show but in my head I think I can just hijack it for a minute hey can I get 10 minutes of your mic

time hey Spanky Alfalfa step aside we're gonna take control I don't know exactly how that works but the next day there was a gif on twitter of me making out with a black guy because i accused anthony anthony gets a lot of shit for his pro gun uh pseudo racist depending on how you read it comments that's why you get fired. And I walk in and there's two black guys on as guests and I immediately accuse

him of overcompensating. At some point I'm tongue kissing the fucking black comic. Which you forgot completely about until you saw it. I saw it on Twitter and I went, ah, that's funny. Making out with a black guy in front of Anthony Cumia, funny. Yeah, it is funny, but you should have fucking remembered.

Maybe he wasn't a good kisser. He can't remember a whole day. Yeah, maybe it was a bad kisser. My tweet was, now that's how you pass an Adderall. That ends. That ends. And what's next? Then we're doing Artie Lang.

And I think I was trying to bail out because I was knock-kneed. We're at some bar. I don't remember the details. But we were going. And then. We were going. I was going to try to bail out. Yeah.

You don't like traffic in New York. It makes you fucking crazy fucking and we had to travel he lives in hoboken new jersey and jersey and kumi as you said his was his was way out of the way too he used to be on long island i only did that because he was in the city now uh and i owed it i i owed him that but i would have found an excuse if i had to go to long island that was oh they overbooked me or some shit. So you were spending a lot of time traveling. They got a car for you or something?

It was a town car? At this point, we were Ubering it. But I called Artie, and I... Just get me Artie directly, not his dude. Get me Artie directly, because he'll understand when I say... I'm fucked. I am so fucked up. I don't think I can do it.

And everyone, not only, everyone around me could hear him laughing on the phone. That bellowing Artie Lang laugh. Like, just get over here. And I'm like, all right, fuck, I'm coming. And then you'd have to fill in some blanks. Well, we get over there and immediately you're like, we're staying all night. We got to stay all night.

You know, we can't. We're staying on your couch. We're staying here. This is at his house? Yeah, he does it out of his house. Like a basement or something? No, he's got a... It's an apartment.

It's an apartment complex. Not an apartment complex. It's a apartment. It's an apartment complex. Not an apartment complex. It's a condo complex. Gorgeous view of the city. Oh my god. I remember sitting there yelling really loud around joggers and shit going, the fucking twin

towers. How many towers do you need? Look how beautiful that is. And you're going to bitch about two that are missing? Fuck you. we also we also got there early we asked some dude in a fucking gazebo with his girlfriend yeah where's arty lang live he goes i think it's up there somewhere we were trying to find the guy that's trying to find arty lang's guy was like no don't don't't ask people. I was on the phone with Artie Lang's dude, and I'm like, I'll just ask someone. No, no, no.

Where's Artie Lang live? Over there. Then it came out. So we walk in. Artie's in the back somewhere. And you're hollering at him, just like, we're staying all night, Artie. I hope this is a pull-out couch. And you were just, you were so wasted at this point.

Yeah, I did see one tweet. Artie, I love you, man, but Doug Stanoff's just an unfunny drunk. But then two complimentary ones after that. So who knows? I haven't heard the Artie Lang podcast, but I assumed from our podcasts, this will never air. We're just hanging around drinking. It's video, right?

I don't have the slightest idea. It's ESPN or something. You have to pay a subscription to listen to that. So I don't think he's got to put shit out. He can't just hold it. It was out the next morning. And like Artie demanded to put shit out. He can't just hold it. It was out the next morning and Artie demanded to drive us home.

No, you're forgetting a key part of that night. The key part of that night was that little girl that I just had such a crush on. So we're sitting there and I hear a female. Are you saying there's a ghost in Artie's condo? I had people over and stuff like we do.

Not a different podcast than this. Someone was beeping up from the ground floor, some female, saying, can I come up? I don't remember this. Yeah. So anyway, she comes up and it ends up being a he, which you don't realize is a he for fucking ages. I still will not ever.

I am kicking Stan Hope under the table. I'm pinching his knee. She's mouthing at me. I'm pulling on his pants. But she's just saying, she's not making the word. She's mouthing the word he. But you just said she, and she pinches you and goes. Yeah, like a cat.

I don't know what you're talking about. And at some point, they try to hoodwink me into this is a dude, and I'm like, there's no way. Again, now I'm at almost 20 hours of drinking. 10 o'clock, right? But I still could not wrap my... His name... I have his book.

It's Mario... God damn it. Starts with a B. I saw your tweet when you said it, and I agree with you. I still don't think that's a dude. I'm not even drunk. I was, like, daring him to... You know what?

Dip your balls in ice water. If you have a dick, we'll put both our dicks in ice water right now. I don't know where I was going with that. Hence the tweets. Anyway, he was a beautiful young lady and he wrote a book. And it's called From Hopeless to Hollywood by Mario. I'm trying to find his goddamn name. Mario Obasco?

Bosco. Bosco. Mario Bosco. Mario Bosco. Yeah. She's a tiny little girl, too. She looks a little Katie Lang. Tracy.

She might be a lesbian, but I don't judge. Tracy knows. Yeah, Mario Bosco. So buy his book, Hopeless to Hollywood, it starts out with how Bill Cosby made him want to be in show business. I'm guessing

it was written a little bit like a day before all that shit came out because there's a lot of Bill Cosby. Tracy, what is it? I mean, is it a guy or a girl? What is it? She goes by is it a guy or a girl? What is it? She goes by Mario. She goes by Mario.

She's a sweetheart. That was a diplomatic move there. I am not casting any aspersions on that lady. A fucking pleasant person. And he was really trying to put you in your place, and it was funny to me. Yeah, she kept saying, like, suck my dick and stuff. Yeah. It was so cute. It was cute. It was adorable, actually.

It really was. Yeah, I saw a picture. That dude is smaller than Bingo. Yeah. Oh, yeah. By far. Yeah. Like a fairy. And her pussy had to be tighter, too. An elf? Hi! Like a hobgoblin?

What are we... So that leads to getting the fuck out. So you didn't stay at Artie's? No, fuck no. Artie drove us home and I was a little scared. I was a little scared.

Artie drove the car? Yeah. Artie drove the car. Wow. And if you know Artie's stories, he's like, no, no, I'll definitely drive you. No, I need to get out. It i'll definitely drive you no i need to

get out it's just across the bridge i need to get out he absolutely insisted and if you've read his books and you know his history you're thinking oh we're an excuse so you can go score something i was just thinking already had to meet a guy already that was the first thing i thought when you said that facilitators uh but yes, a magnanimous gentleman. Fucking love Artie. Nice. Yeah, thanks, Artie. Thank you, Artie.

I don't know Artie, but I love Artie, too. He's hilarious. Did you read Crash and Burn? Probably not. Yeah. We gave him shit about that a bit. I was probably a wicked dick on a lot of those stupid podcasts. Well, he loved you.

He dropped us off and he was happy. But when we were dropped off. Where were you? You guys were in Manhattan. Oh, that's right. We just said, fuck this. We need Negroni's at the blue bar where every drink is. That's our bar.

But that's our bar there. And we went in. You're in Manhattan. You're back. Okay. We're right across the street from our hotel. The blue bar, which is all blue, blue lights. I was wearing a blue suit.

You couldn't tell. And that's when. Talking to some gay tabloid journalist. But that's when.'s talking to some uh gay uh tabloid journalist but that's when watching what i say you and me went outside and that's when you broke down and started crying oh that's when you call me okay can someone cut that i was yeah no i i i had a bit... Well, now we're at 23 hours of drinking, so I got you, baby. Yes, I was a little war-torn. Yeah, it's a long day.

From the day. That was a long motherfucking day. I got a little teary-eyed about some dumb shit. Had some Negronis. Yeah, we had. Oh, we got into a big fight. With who? Remember that?

Oh, we did. The Pixie? No. We don't want to talk about that. The bartender. Yeah, no, we can talk about that. We go down. We can cut this out. But we went down.

We can cut this out. We're fucked. I'm not even recording, so it doesn't matter. We're fucked. We went to eat. No no but you didn't realize how fucked i was i did afterwards i laughed at you we made fun we made a fight really quick no i know i know i know and over soon but chad will appreciate this okay i felt like you didn't realize how drunk i was as well. I didn't until you told me afterwards. Sorry, I'm drunk. We go to this place to eat.

It's just like a deli. After hours. Some, yeah. It's like a deli. Where a guy's outside. Oh, fuck. Oh, shit. Remember that?

Oh, yeah. Hold on. Rewind. Rewind, baby. Rewind. There was four guys in a row. That was the night before. That was the night before where I'm out.

Where I thought I lost my credit card at that Irish bar. Four guys. Every time I go out to smoke, a guy comes by and goes, good blow, good weed. Good blow, good weed. Good weed. I'm pleasant, you know, diplomat. Thanks.

I go, thanks for offering, but I'm good right now. Have a great night. The fourth guy. Good blow. Good weed. Different guy. Different. All four were different.

Same sales pitch. Same bar. Out front smoking. Same line. Yeah. Yeah. The same script. Same pitch.

Yes. Franchise. So the fourth time. They know same script. Same pitch. Yes. Franchise. So the fourth time. They know it works. Fourth time. I'm in a blue plaid suit and light blue polyester slacks. It's Sunday night after skank fest. And the fourth guy in the middle of the fucking night in the morning comes by.

Good blow. Good weed. I go, no. Hey, but thanks for offering. He goes, hey hey happy father's day that's polite as fuck only to me i ran back in and told the bartender i came home i told bingo like i'm am i the only guy that thought that's the funniest thing ever that after i say no to coke hey happy father's day i don't know if it was the

suit or the guy was being funny. This is what it is. That's good salesmanship. You weren't his customer today, but you will be in the future. Yeah. Those pants aren't cut to Tucson, but I have a couple more beats.

Okay, so fight with us. So it was the next night. B night when i go to a convenience store on that same in the middle of the fucking night good blow good weed give you free sample and bingo goes okay i'm like no no it's not okay bingo you don't get free someone was offering me free come on guys i i would have taken someone was offering me free blow. Come on, guys. I would have taken it. Someone was offering me free blow and I was like, okay, I'll taste that shit. He has his own seat out in front of the convenience store.

This giant-headed negro that looks like the Refrigerator Perry, the bloated head. He has slabs of meat on the sides of his bald head. Yeah, you can get a free sample but that's not what they're gonna give you in the bag i get that that's from the other pocket when we're hammered

and we're dressed like fucking assholes in polyester leisure suits i was in my polyester suit too and you're like why no i won't i wanted a bump you going to get us fucking killed. I wanted a bump, and I was fucking wasted, and I totally apologize to you. So, yeah, for a minute, I go, I am going to fucking pull your head off. If you don't do just good, let's get the fuck out of here. Then his friend comes in to try to close the deal. He brought in the manager.

What's holding you back? Undercoding. Undercoating. Undercoating. See what you started. No, I can't take you anywhere, Bingaman. So yes, we did have a big blowout about that on the way home, but we settled it. We don't fight too long.

Yeah, by the time we got to the room, I was laughing. Yeah. By the time we got to safety, I was laughing. I apologize again, but I just needed you to understand how drunk I was as well. How was that sample? She probably waited until I fell asleep and went back.

Hey, where's the good coke? Where's the good weed? Come on, guys? Guys? Guys? Come on, guys. Guys. Guys. So that was. All right.

Yeah, we can take a break on this because that was New York. We thought we woke up. Did anything else weird happen? No, I just know we woke up. You were at the. We had to get the fuck out quickly. Hold on. Did anything else happen after after the fight you guys were in the diner?

When you were getting food? No, we were fighting in the room. Okay. So that was after. We were fought up until the room. You started out by saying you went to get food. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. I don't even know if we got food. Anyway, we got back to. I can't remember. Just trying to trigger memories here. So, yeah. We'll take a break. And once we thought, God damn it, we're at JFK.

We got through security. Tuesday morning. TSA pre-check. Yeah. Quick line. Got into the Sky Club. And we're going to leave all this behind us. But no.

Please hold. Do, do, do, do. There will be blood. Hey, you miserable cunts. You want to ever see me again? You go to the Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. We have new vinyl. Something to take the edge off on vinyl.

That's right. Something to take the edge off on vinyl that's right something to take the edge off on vinyl drunk with power pint glasses and stanhope shot glasses as well as t-shirts pop off vodka presents which is coming out as I believe

we're going to put that on iTunes we filmed that in the funhouse so pop off vodka presents we have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist. The Doug Stano Podcast t-shirts. Abortion is Green is Back by Popular Demand. Death of a Salesman as well.

And we got stickers, CDs, DVDs. And now the Doug Stano Store store at DougStanoff.com open 24 hours. People are doing methamphetamine and staying up. You never know what hour. So please go to the merch store at DougStanoff.com and buy some shit. It keeps Chaley here.

It keeps the podcast going and you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye. Alright, everyone got a drink? Nope. Getting one soon. Sorry, we like the ambient noise. Yeah, that's great. Hey, during this break

we're going to throw out some thank yous. As always, I will not remember all of them. And there's still a shitload of packages. We just got home in a suicidal state. So we haven't opened all the packages. But we're going to go to Chaley's Corner with the thank yous. We'll start off Chaley's Corner with a question doug from a listener from waterville maine uh wayne say wayne wayne from waterville maine sent you a postcard that says uh these days

and i'm pretty sure it's the same whether it's these days or the old days, what is the lowest level of hotel you will stay at? A Hampton Inn, or would you go all the way down to a Motel 6? Chad's been on the road with us, and we will stay in the shittiest hotels ever. Fuck yeah, Motel 6, baby. And double up. Oh, yeah. Motel 6 would be an upgrade from places that Stan Hope will stay.

Oh, yeah. Motel 5. We actually did not factor that in. We're going to do another kind of shit town tour, but not shit town because it's West Coast. We're going to go up to Montana and Wyoming, Colorado. You are doing Wyoming? Well, I don't know if we have a gig there. We're driving through it to get to Montana.

I don't know. Chaley's putting this. We're driving through it to get to Montana. I don't know. Chaley's putting this together. Hennigan's putting this together. Any dates that are up right now on DougStanhope.com under tour dates, those are just the start. I'm only getting them once they're confirmed. So check back frequently. Get on the mailing list, and as soon as I get five dates,

we're going to send out a mailing list. Yes. So, yeah, always get on the mailing list. The question was, oh, yes. Hotels. So, yeah, we stay. And on this tour, I'm just hosting this tour. Got to work out some material in places that are not uh money makers so uh so

brett erickson and christine levine will be co-headlining and i will be hosting and we're gonna have a fucking blast but what i didn't consider is yeah we usually i know my openers so we live like slobs we double up they'd rather have the fucking 80 bucks than their own room. Yeah. We forgot about Christine Levine's horrific chainsaw snoring. So she's going to have to have her own room. No doubling her up. So, yeah, buy my book.

Hey, Doug, I, buy my book. Hey, Doug, I got another letter here. It's from a GC in Bisbee. I don't know who that is. GC in Bisbee. Greg Chaley? Doug, if you are planning to host on your tour, what does hosting mean? That means I do as much material as I wrote down on a legal pad that day and then i do that to open then between comics i try to riff other shit bingo sits in the back of the room writes down

anything that's good on a legal pad and then i try to turn it into an hour in 10 days probably not gonna do that but eventually i have to do real gigs boston december 1st or 2nd somewhere oh shit you have a date all right yeah yeah yeah baby you gotta get out there fucking right but i'm not gonna write shit until i have a deadline so brian's putting these dates on the books because he knows i'm not gonna pick up a fucking notebook j July 18th is your deadline. That's the first date. No, that's hosting. I can fuck off. That's the point. I have to do real gigs in cities where

there's money. We're going to build Montana to work out shit. July 20th is El Paso. Yeah. Alright, so that's what we'll be doing soon. This is the box.

J. Lee's Corner with the thank yous. This is the guy. 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. Send your weird shit. Questions. Or a box of stuff. This is a box of stuff from at Smiley Die Happy. S-m-i-l-e-y die d-i-e happy that's his twitter handle it's uh some artwork i assume he's this he wants you to have this one

bingo the free willy yeah oh yeah and then we got it yeah show it yeah i think that's that other the death squad one that's like a i think that's a transfer great artwork that's if he fucking painted that that's amazing you yeah well he sent those to chad and i but he wanted bingo to have the free willy is that the dude that i wasn't involved at all he tweeted me he goes hey there's a box coming uh it's under your name here's a here's a painted letter for you. I fucking love you guys. Bingo, Chad, Chaley, and all you guys at the Funhouse.

Best nonsensical podcast. Bisbee number one, Go Killer Termites, blah, blah, blah. My name not anywhere on it. It says Doug right at the top. Oh, Doug. As in addressed to you. Well, he tweeted me saying, hey, you have a package coming your way.

I put it in your name. I hope you don't mind, but everything in there is for someone else. I'm not upset. Meaner, meaner. He also has stickers that we'll put on the trash can, which is what we do. And then he wrote a really cool quote on a Joker card.

These are the things that I put in merch that goes out. Yeah, we re-gift this shit in merch. So buy the book. And then, Doug, here's something someone gave you. I think this is an homage to the titty cup. The tit mug that my mother got me. But it's a toilet coffee mug. that my mother got me,

but it's a toilet coffee mug. In the book, I talk about when my mother was a truck driver and sent me a tit mug where it was a coffee mug where you drank out of the nipple. This is a toilet coffee mug with a turd. With a lone soldier left behind. They didn't flush it.

A stuffed turd with eyeballs. Thank you, person. Someone sent this quickly, Chaley, because we've got to get back to the podcast. I don't know what it is. The guy made an original drawing. I don't know if it has to do with the Orlando

shooter. I'm not quite... No, no, no, no. It's like a Faces of Meth of Mickey Mouse in mug shots. Over the years. Well, you know what? We have some posters for sale now, some limited edition.

We have a new one for sale. Leftover posters from other tours. And yeah, we'll probably put this up there with one of those. All right. If you did not get mentioned in the thank yous this week, it's because I didn't open a bunch of shit and now you'll know why as we get back to the podcast already peaking so we're at jfk okay we think the nightmare is behind i'm getting nervous that much drinking you just i'm apologizing. That much drinking, you just...

I'm apologizing to complete strangers. I'm just sorry. I'm just sorry in general. You know. Absolutely. But we start drinking at the Sky Club and I go, bingo. When we get in there, I'm wearing a yellow suit with a yellow

tie and yellow checkered linen golf pants and white shoes. So I go, bingo. When we get to Sky Club, if anyone asks, we just say that we are the new smash tandem singing sensations of Footloose. And Fancy Free. I'm Footloose. And I'm fancy free. So no one asked. I tweeted it, but no one asked.

So then, hey, get on my periscope, because I'm trying, I'm getting this worked out. I can't figure out the chat function, but I couldn't chat and film anyway. So in a very crowded JFK Airport Sky Club, we walked out singing. I announced ourselves as the singing smash sensation, the tandem of Footloose. And Fancy Free.

And I... Hey, lady, you're on a periscope. He says that to her. She left And even though I ain't got money I'm so in love with you honey I'm singing off key as loud as I can possibly get with her And we're just filming the people staring at us like we're assholes

You're walking out to the elevator To leave the Sky Club Singing two verses of that song. And in the morning when I rise, bring a tear of joy to my eyes and tell me everything is going to be all right. Hey, how do you shut this off? Sir, do you know how to shut off a periscope? That's how it ends. I missed the only funny part.

I didn't catch it live, but it was so obnoxious. I shut it off early and missed the only funny part. He's at the top of the up escalator. They're going to go down. He's at the top of the up escalator going, ma'am, do you know how to turn off a periscope? So get on my periscope. At Doug Stanhope is the periscope.

I don't know. Bingo's too. At Bingo Bingaman. At Bingo Bingaman, I just started the periscoping. I'll be on it. I just followed you. Chad Shanks. Thank you, baby.

Chad Shanks is? At HD Fatty. Andanks is at HDFatty and mine is at Greg Shaley C-H-A-I-L-L-E don't find it you need a little bit of help I'm beating all of you right now no but people spelling

name needs to so we think it's over we're drunk we definitely think it's over at this point. We're like exhaling, fuming, high-fiving. You're walking to the plane. We're walking to the plane,

and then I get two different text messages. Chaley's meeting us at the Tucson airport. We don't get in until late, like 8.30. So we're going to stay overnight at the hotel, jump in the pool, because it's record heat, 114 in Tucson.son that was our last periscopes was from that pool with chad oh yeah hanging out yeah so uh so i get two different

text messages hey i got a babysitter if you guys are gonna be in town and i'm like we just happen to be in town come on over over. And this is another one. OK, hey, I must have talked to the other one earlier, but she knew I was in Tucson. Yeah. And she's going to be in Tucson. So. Hey, I told them both to call you.

I gave him Chaley's number. He'll hook this up. I'm Xanaxed out on a fucking cross country flight. So we're coming home to guests. Well, the couple, you just met somewhere. Coming home to do a meet and greet in Tucson. I don't know who they are. You met them somewhere.

And they're just like, you don't know me. I'm like, I'm hanging up. I don't know you. You're right. And then they had a couple of keywords that they met you somewhere in an airport bar, and they were going to be in Tucson. You're talking about the gal with the voluptuous fake breasts? Yeah, the hunchback.

No, I'm just kidding. Anyway, so we're entertaining people from what I remember at the hotel. Everybody comes quickly. No. Actually. So we're entertaining people from what I remember at the hotel. Everybody comes quickly. No. I didn't mean it like that. No, I didn't mean it like that. There will be blood.

Foreshadowing. Foreshadowing. Sorry, I didn't mean it like that at all. This is what I remember. Sorry, guys. I blew the story. There were some dudes we didn't know at the hotel. I don't know how they got there. I shot my water. There's the people

we do know. There's our nice friend, the waitress from across the street. She came over with her cousin. At some point, it boils down. At some point, I said I brought up foot fetishes as being the number one fetish next to guys who like to get uh watch other dudes bang their wife and it was just random

that i go there like i'm into some weird shit but i don't know why those are the top two fetishes. Seemingly minutes later, I'm sucking some girl's toes. I didn't realize until I talked to her later. At some point, do you remember we had her laid out across the three of us? Tracy and you and me.

Why are you looking at my girlfriend when you say that? We had her laid out. Where were you? With her clothes on. With her clothes on. This is the fish that got away. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I hope you're also talking about my girlfriend. There was Ritalin, there was Adderall, and then at some point there was cocaine.

At some point, you guys all went to another room in the hotel, and you're doing cocaine. And I go, they're probably fucking. We're not. I know. Well, I know that because later we were. That's when the one we had laid out across us. She stuck in her toes.

Yeah. She found an out. So we go over to the other side to become. No, you're you. You're probably going to have better memories than me well there was blow but we decided to become voyeurs and interrupt

oh that's right we assumed oh they said now we have to leave to fuck oh let's go crash and crash not right away they left and then we all looked at each other forget that part have to leave to fuck yeah they go oh let's go crash and not right away right away they they left and then we all looked at each other like forget that part we should we should go be voyeurs like tag team wrestling on wwe yeah they'll just crash their room and watch them fuck so we did

we went over and crashed their room then somehow we got involved somehow. Do you know how that happened? Went from voyeur to swinger? Here's what happened. It's a slippery slope. It's a slippery slope. At some point, Tracy gets afraid. Because at some point, the dude starts banging bingo. I start. That's way later.

You're jumping. You're jumping shit, motherfucker. And you're also talking way too fast. Tracy needs to jump in because I know at some point I realize Tracy's hiding in the bathroom, peeking through the crack. Trying to escape. Help us. Help us with your memory.

Trace, come on. Come on, Trace. That's pretty much the long and short of it. Well, she said there's a big... Yeah, I don't remember much of the in-between, though. Good answer. My memory kind of goes right to... What do you remember?

No, not a big in-between, but there was an in-between where they were fucking and we were all watching. All right. We were just all watching until their fuck was done and then and then we kind of remember that was there heckling

i'm just picturing you guys watching and it just seems kind of boring it was it was it was not good porn yeah it was missionary grunting. But I'm sure they were nervous. I mean, we just invaded their world. Well, how did we end up fucking them? Okay. I'm not quite sure about that myself.

I was pretty fucked up too. Weren't you taking notes in the bathroom, Tracy? Come on, Trace. At some point, Bingo's fucking the dude. The two weirdest fetishes I had just talked about randomly,

now I'm involved with both. Because there's some dude fucking Bingo. I'm trying to fuck the other girl with the big fake titties. But he can't get it up. Couldn't get it up. Ritalin, Adderall, and cocaine on top of whiskey and tequila and whatever you're making.

There's no fucking way. Yeah, I'm slamming my dick in the fucking hotel door, nothing. Meanwhile, that guy's just pounding away. I'm like, can we go to the other room? Because it's a suite. There's a front room. Maybe I can get it up better if I don't see this dude pounding away on my fucking girlfriend. I thought that would have been the titillating part of it.

No. You were just like, you have to get it up and you would rather do it with. Try outside. Not outside, but in the other room. Let's split up. But at some point... So we split up. Hang on.

At some point... And we were all in the same room together. You had to have been there. Yeah. Trace was in the bathroom. I'm like half fisting her. Well, if you can't get a boner, use your largest appendage.

Be a gentleman. Be a gentleman. But there was like some, there was some matter of like rubbish in there that I had to have. It took me a while to notice. I noticed the matter of rubbish before you did because I was with her before you were.

So I knew there was something in there as well. I got her dirty. Yeah, you got her dirty. You got sloppy seconds, baby. I had... I think Bingo won this whole thing. I did won Bingo. Well, at some point I realized, wait,

there's some litter in your vagina. I pull it out. It's a diaphragm that is dripping blood. Wait. There will be blood. That's not what's all over your shirt, is it? There it is. Look at the back of my shirt.

That's what it is. There will be blood. What position causes blood on your back? We don't know. There's got to be a splatter expert. Cast off. Which way was she murdered? Because the blood splatter evidence goes that way.

I mean, it was all over her. You had to wipe her down with a bath towel. There was that much blood. You have more bodily fluids on your shirt than Floyd does. That's true. That's true. If you're new to the podcast, Floyd a year and a half ago had his asshole removed, and now he has a colostomy bag.

He just went on a vacation where when they pulled out, he had to pull out his colostomy bag. Not pull it out, but show it because they gave him a pat down and they're like, oh no, we'll let you pat that down. They made me pat it down

and then they checked my hands for explosive diarrhea. Apparently I was over the legal limit for liquids. I wasn't over it before they started talking to me. Floyd will be back in just a few minutes because we have some news on the killer termites.

So where were we? Diaphragm. We were at a bloody diaphragm being hurled around a room. And you said this person was holding it like a baseball. I still kept going down on her because that's all I had to give. Yeah. What a trooper. She's a friend.

Now. Now. Now. Sounds friendly. I guess we bonded. Sounds like a friendly exchange. Yeah. And from what I remember, she's in the medical profession. So it's very weird to have a girl blowing you while fingering your hernia and stopping to say, that's really bad.

You need to get that fixed. So maybe it wasn't just the Coke was the reason I couldn't get it up. Wait till you get your Coke pay. So yeah, that went on until I think 8.30 in the morning. Oh Christ, I just looked down at my fingers. Yeah, that ain't dirt under your nails. No, that's blood. There will be blood. It's no good.

It's all blood. That's a David Tell reference. Oh, man, yeah. You guys get in the fucking shower right now. God damn, this is disgusting. I kept the shirt on on purpose. I knew this podcast would be better if I wore it. I don't know how the blood got on my shirt,

because we did use a bath towel to wipe down her belly and chest. Wait, why couldn't you get a hard-on? It's the coke. Did you see that? Oh. It was, yeah, so the drive home from tucson was hard oh it's this morning it was difficult yeah that was this morning there was so much regret of things that we might have done in new york that we don't even. Things we remember vividly from last night.

All of this explains why I walked in and you blew like a 2.279 when I got here. I was like, oh, Stan, I'm fucked already. Now it makes sense. Is that what I blew? The second time. Oh, man.

That was when I first got here. And that was three drinks in So most of that is from last night Or this morning We quit about 8.30 Let me check my notes There will be blood Oh that was funny

We took it down I think It's down Nothing's down forever on the internet. The hotel. Yeah, fuck it. Just say you called. You know what?

You never went into the hotel, smelled like shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We don't need to do that. The hotel was, yeah. The pool was empty, being resurfaced or something. Record heat wave. Yeah. You have no pool.

Good move. And then the room smelled like raw sewage. Not from us at this point. We were innocent at this point. We were innocent. Yeah, that was before. We had two maintenance guys and the manager come up. They didn't take two steps in.

It's like, I got it. No, I smell it. I smell it. It wasn't a thing. We booked it through Expedia, so you have to get your refund through Expedia. But I got your back. And we did. There's no excuse.

So this morning with my morning hate, and that's why you have to follow me on Periscope at Doug Stanhope. I called Expedia, and I didn't just complain. I could have just said, rooms smell like sewage. The pool was nonexistent. There's no way out. Call the manager. The manager's already.

Yeah. What I did instead is I told some woman in India every beat of the story about not being able to get a boner. Some dude with a big crooked dick dude is banging my wife. That's what you just heard. Everything I, except I

when I finally hung up from that periscope I go, oh I forgot the bloody I forgot the bloody diaphragm part. Well that's reasonable. I mean we all would forget that part. Well, that's reasonable. We all would forget that part. I'm trying to. Not if you're still

wearing the shirt. If you're behind me in a parade, you'll always remember because it's all over my back. There was a point in the night where you were still with the woman and I was sharing a cigarette with the man. And he said, and it hurt my feelings so bad, but he said,

this is what I heard was you smelled kind of weird. And so I was just like, what the fuck? But what he said was your room smelled kind of weird. Oh, the sewer show. I thought he was talking about me. And I was like, oh, my God. This is the most horrible thing to hear ever. I just assumed he was talking about.

I don't know, George. Fat girl's pussy smells like hot garbage. Yeah, but it was our room. I just assumed he was talking about Doug. Yeah, he smells kind of weird. Maybe it was your finger smelled weird. Could be. I don't know.

Still does. I know. Maybe that's just now. We do need to scrub up. You know what? Hot hose. And I have not heard back, but I have her number, and I texted her, and I go, hey, just saying hi. And then I called her.

She didn't answer. I go, you know, it's kind of protocol after a weird night like that that you check in and make sure everyone's cool. Still haven't heard back. Really? Yeah. Okay, I'll text the person. All right, text that person. I will text that person.

Yeah, the dude will answer back right away. That's how it works in these situations. That's how you know you didn't smell. All right. We're going to wrap up with before the police beat with Chad Shank, Floyd, if you remember the letter that was written. Let's take a break because let's find that letter so we can read it. No, he has the letter right here.

All right. Yeah, we can make this quick. Yeah, yeah, let's do this. Floyd, after that woman that we didn't even mention her name, wrote a whole thing about, I've never been afraid to come back to Bisbee in my life, but the killer termites, nematodes kill termites maybe we should start the killer nematodes to get rid of the radical nematode revolution acting like our stupid killer termite

voting this city to the number one spot in the usa today that absolutely nobody saw no actually a few people have come into town for that floyd because i was too lazy to write back floyd wrote a letter to the editor that he's now going to read i'm a lot better at writing let me i should preface it her point was that she acted like because uh we voted that number one, that all these tourists are going to be buying houses and gentrifying the fucking town. And she had a whole thing about nematodes kill termites. And we should do that.

And she felt unsafe coming back. That was a major point. Because termites eat things. No, houses. Yeah, that a major point. So Floyd... Termites eat things. Yeah, that was her point. They destroy foundations. Hey, you moved here 32 years ago when the fucking mine closed, carpetbagger.

But Floyd in a very diplomatic way wrote the next week letter to the editor. Go ahead, Floyd. Read what you wrote. Because the person is a friend of mine. Everybody in this town is my friend. But, you know, okay. Here's what I got. According to Siri, nematodes

are roundworms. Dear editor. Dear editor, nematodes versus termites, whatever. But nematodes are basically roundworms and they consist of over one million different species of which over half are parasitic is this really what you want your town to be can't we all just

get along bisbee does not just consist of old bisbee and and yeah she she she had a comment because we live in warren the residential somehow. Somehow, if you live in Warren, you're not artistic. And if you haven't lived here for at least 32 years, which you mentioned. 32 years is exactly when the mine closed down. Segregationist. Yes. Trump will build that wall between Warren and old Bisbee. I've only lived here for 20, and I live in, you know, okay, never mind.

All right. I digress. There are other parts of town just as self-important. Bisbee does not consist of people just with people without sight. Will you just give it to Chad Shank with the golden pipes?

Let him read it. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Cover one eye, Floyd. Go ahead. Bisbee does not just consist of people with outside sources of income, basically. There's also this, like myself, who actually make a living here. Floyd went off script. Yeah, he's just roughing it now.

Or fucking try to make a living here. Floyd runs a miners and merchants antique shop. Yeah, tourist. Sponsor of the- I rely on tourists for my living. A sponsor of the Saguaro's. And Midwestern or otherwise to make my living. And I actually like them.

So it's weird because I don't just ask people where they're from because I'm trying to sell them something. You're trying to talk their ear off when they don't. You're like, who's this weird man with the bushy eyebrows? No, I'm bored, and I need somebody to talk at. And that works for me as it works for them. And they have an interesting story. That's cool.

That's great. Back to the page. Okay. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, you know, I enjoy hearing their stories and actually hearing how much they like this fucking thing. He went two words on page and went off to the page and said blah, blah, blah, reading.

They actually like this town, you know, and they don't stay. Well, we've established that the woman is a little eccentric. So the woman that wrote the original anti-killer termites thing was eccentric, and you wrote a very polite response. I did. And looked up nematodes that no one knew about. And I signed it, your friend, which I am, I think. Not anymore.

Well, if not, too bad. But I like everybody in this town, and I like people to come visit. As long as they don't let their kids fucking run around my store and break shit. Follow-up, Floyd. I'm going to read this because I didn't get anything from what Floyd just said. I'll tell him the follow-up. You can just read what he wrote but the follow-up is a friend of our suzanne who knows this woman talked to her and she texted me and said you know i was just with her

she thought you and floyd would see the tongue-in-cheek aspects of what she wrote there was no tongue-in- and cheek she's saying she was terrified to come back to her own town there was no joke in there we still we were very actually we were very there probably was oh it's a terrible joke then well i think it's a good judge i think it's a good plan if i make terrible jokes all the time and then insist that they were jokes that's how i try to get away with shit and i just stick to the story so i'll stick to that story lady gonna stick into the story let's close this out with chad jack and the police beat all right what's that we take a break though yeah yeah we'll take

a break okay quick break police beat moments away air conditioning let's get this shit going hey killer termites you coming to bisbee and you want a signed copy of my book and i'm out of town don't you fret yo you can get an autographed copy of my book, Digging Up Mother, right here in Bisbee at Bisbee Books and Music. It's right there at the Bisbee Convention Center. If you can't find the Bisbee Convention Center, evidently it's at 2 Copper Queen Plaza. But all you really have to do is you take a right when you come into the bottom of Tombstone Canyon. It's what's Main Street. It's the first thing on your left when you go up Main Street.

Just go to a bar and say, where's the convention center? And they go, what's the convention center? Because no one really knows because it's not really a convention center. You go, it's between the Bisbee Grill and the Bisbee Coffee Shop. Table is what they call the Bisbee Grill. I refuse to call it that, but it's in this little tiny, everyone fucking knows. Just go, hey, where's the Bisbee Grill or Bisbee Table or the Bisbee Coffee Shop? And it's in that little tiny center there.

It's a little tiny shop, but they have fucking Doug Stanhope books and other shit, Bisbee related. It's a nice place to go. And you can go to the Bisbee table or table or just say Bisbee Grill because I will never recognize their new name. Or go get yourself a cup of coffee and go, hey, where's the bookstore that's right next door to you inside? And yeah, they have autographed copies of my book. And if they're out, they'll call me and go, hey, can you run up here for a second and autograph a copy of this book? And if I'm in town, I'll do it because they're very nice.

That old bookstore wouldn't even carry my fucking DVDs. I never asked them to. I never asked them why they didn't on their own. I just assume everyone hates me. But this person doesn't hate me. So I go in there and I go autograph books. And I'm nice to that person. And they're awkward with me and I'm awkward with them.

But go there because they're very nice people. And they asked me to even do a book signing. So yeah, someone in old Bisbee likes me, and their name is Bisbee Books and Music. You can find them at bisbeebambam.com. bisbeebambam.com. Probably get sued for fucking stealing that catchphrase. Phone number 520-353-4009 no prank calls on this one i gotta live here

now the police beat with chad shank a very special version of the police beat. Chad, let's just get Kenny in there first because Kenny for mayor is here and he has something that didn't make the police beat he wanted to throw in. Didn't make it. I'm intrigued.

Breaking news. Yeah, I'm live on the field. Seems to be across the street from my house at Park Avenue, we have another dead body. That makes two this year. The young man was found in his room after three days of bad smelling and odor decay. Young man? Yes, he was only in his 30s. Previously tried to shoot himself in the head with a.22.

Did not work out. Had a couple brain surgeries. But, you know, he was a good kid. Saw him a couple days before he died, unfortunately. All right, and now to the funny part of the police beat. Thank you. I, for one, found that hilarious. On Laughlin Avenue, a white pickup with a red door parked in front of a vacant

house for a long time the driver was advised see what was he advised of he was advised he knew where he was parked so I think he had to be advised that he had a red door. He had a red door. People have to understand that these are the conditions that we live within. Like, that's every day outside. That could be happening right now. It's fucking, oh, hey, yeah, I'm going to give up my seat to a troop. First class. Hey, you know what we do to survive down here? First class, hey, you know what we do to survive down here?

Makes Afghanistan look like goddamn Disneyland in Orlando. Never mind. Profiling. Profiling, plain and simple. Unfortunately, it gets worse out here. A black pit bull was in someone's yard on Santa Cruz Drive, keeping guests from leaving the residence for an hour. Don't overstay your welcome.

That's how you make sure everyone takes a little bit of the leftovers home. You want some of this casserole? Well, as long as the dog's out there, sure, I'll take a little more. No one likes pearl onions. Get the dog. I would just use it as an excuse to No one likes pearl onions. Get the dog. I would just use it as an excuse to keep drinking. Pearl onions. Good work, sir. Only an hour.

What else you got out there, Chad? A man on San Jose Drive was trying to disengage a bullet out of his.22 caliber rifle and shot himself in the left hand. He drove himself to the hospital. Righty. How does that happen? He has to have an automatic because there's no way you can drive a stick shift like that.

Oh, yeah. How does that happen? Why would he be disloged? Was a bullet jammed or something? Well, I don't know how you would put your hand over the barrel of the rifle to try to... That would be the worst possible way to hold it. But Bisbee's not known for it.

I'll tell you how that story started. Is this Kenny's neighbor? He did have a.22. I'll tell you how this story started. Watch this. What else you got, Chad? Doug, a knocko wife, wanted someone to be aware that her husband is an animal hoarder.

Gotta let people know. This should be page six. That's gossip. Yeah! We should have page six of Bisbee gossip in The Observer. It's The Observer. I don't think there's that many pages. We should buy The Observer.

That would be fun. Can we just make our own observer? Make it all back. We got that audible money today. Audible money. In Bisbee, a homeowner would not let a worker leave because of a dispute. You know what? Is he still there this is again why we need

deep cover journalism we need fucking snowden if we could get snowden he'd get to the bottom of all this shit i think it's this kind of reckless journalism here in bisbee because there's going to be a lot of people volunteering for work if they know that they can stay there if they just cause a dispute. Hourly? You're living here rent-free for the rest of your life, and don't you even think about working. I've seen your slipshod workmanship.

Was it for over an hour? Yeah, and let's go. I just looked down. Tokyo was the guy that sent that Mickey Mouse thing. So he sent a letter I didn looked down. Tokyo was the guy that sent the Mickey Mouse thing. So he sent a letter I didn't read. But his name's Tokyo, and he's nice. Or maybe he's from Tokyo.

I don't know. Thanks and love, Tokyo. Back to you, Chad. I didn't mean to take away from the peril you go through to mention some guy who sent me a poster. Indeed, it's rough out here. There were two males in the middle of Double Adobe Road yelling and bumping chests. I'm thinking about two people right now.

Kenny and Derek for mayor. I actually did delve into this one a bit and asked Kenny if it was him and Derek, and he said that they have not bumped chests in quite a while. Weeks. Didn't seem like it. You know what? A lot of animosity since that. It was a very contentious election that's still not over. But let's get back to serious crime in Bisbee.

Finally, vicious dogs were wandering around a neighborhood in Hereford. They took down a goat. That was my fucking goat. That was your goat. That was your goat. I saw your tweet with a goat in a postage parcel bucket. Well, that was a baby picture because the after picture wasn't as pretty, so I decided that was a nicer picture.

I noticed that in obituaries. They don't put the aftermath. He was killed in a car accident. Here's his picture. Here's him laying in state without a chin. With wax. Wax and like eyelids sewed shut. It wasn't an open casket thing, man.

She was a really cute goat. Yes. She was my favorite goat. Ladies and gentlemen, Chad Shank made the police beat for all the right reasons. Organically. All right. Yeah. Dubious honor, sir.

Sorry. It makes me question the validity of a lot of these because actually it was one dog and it took down two of my goats. So it was neighborhood dogs and they took down a goat. I don't want to leave this podcast on a sorry note, but that goat wasn't just a goat. That goat had a name. What was that goat's name uh zoe

the goat's name was zoe goat was named zoe we speak your name goat was named zoe goat lives matter goat was named zoe the goat was named zoe the goat was named zo The goat was named Zoe We'll be right back after this. Hey, the fucking Matoid, not the Matoid, Mishka. Mishka's on his way anytime. They said traffic's tough on the 10. We'll be a little bit late. So we might do another podcast tonight.

You won't hear it for three more days. In the morning when I rise Bring a tear of joy to your eyes. Yeah, that's right. We're going to close on the singing sensation tandem duo of me, Footloose. And me, Fancy Free. And even though I ain't got money, I'm so in love with you, honey. Everything will bring a change.

Love. We're the new Ishtar. We're the, what was the, George Michael before he split up with that guy. Wham. We're the Wham of 2004. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And in the

morning when I rise bring a tear of joy to my eyes and bloodstained shirts that I'm gonna bring to the dry cleaners. People smile and tell me I'm the lucky one.

We've just begun. Think I'm going to have a son. He will be like she and me as free as a dove. Conceived in love Sun is gonna shine above Even though we ain't got money I'm so in love with you, honey Everything will bring a chain of love Love

In the morning when I rise Oh, bring a chain of love, love. In the morning when I rise, bring a tear of joy to my eyes. Tell me everything is gonna be alright. Thank you.