The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #150: Prison Guard vs. Prisoner & Killer Termites Day

Episode Date: July 11, 2016

Doug arranges for a prison guard and a prisoner to swap stories and answer questions in the Fun House. Plus, all the details from Bisbee's inaugural Killer Termites Day.Recorded July 03, 2016 at the Fun House with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Mat Becker (@Houdini357), Prisoner, Prison Guard, Mishka Shubaly (@MishkaShubaly), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   Abigail's Prison Address - Abigail Hill #1995104 Carol Young Unit 5509 Atwater, Ave. Dickinson, TX 77539 Tweeker Pie YouTube Clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5VAvvNRStU   Closing song, "Willin", Written by Little Feat, Covered by Mishka Shubaly in the Fun House July 03, 2016.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Okay, we are going. Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd like to chat, you can chat outside, but we are doing the Killer Termites Day podcast, Sunday, July 3rd. If I can read, no, Chad Shank, you can read. This is the proclamation from the city of Bisbee. That's if I can read. This is a long day of fucking heckling. My voice is bugged. Oh, shit. That was the heckle I never got to.

Was, hey, the last time you saw a doubleheader, it was latex, Roswell. I never. I was saving that. Now I missed it. This is, says City of Bisbee, Proclamation, Killer Termites Day. Whereas the Killer Termites led the charge to ensure Bisbee, Arizona is named the best historic small town in America by USA Today. And whereas the killer termites who were instrumental in spreading the word tord, 2016 to be Killer Term the city of Bisbee, do hereby proclaim that Sunday, July 3rd, 2016, be declared as Killer Termites Day. So, Sunday, July 3rd is also where the Tucson Saguaro's who we call the Bisbee killer

termites. The team comes down to play a double header for 4th of July weekend. Close it out with a walk off home run. We like Mike. We like Mike. We like Mike. We like Mike. Last name.

Last name. Mike Morris. Mercury Morris. Yes. Walk off home run to fucking close strong. Extra innings. Don't forget Burnell Daly's awesome throw to home plate to end the inning. That's right.

It's a good day. It explains why our voices are fucked up. We're struggling. Just trying to talk over Chad Shank with a good voice is great. It explains why our voices are fucked up. We're struggling. Just trying to talk over Chad Shank with a good voice is tough. I was trying to scream over you, and everything was failing. I slept all day yesterday. You partied all day yesterday. It's two days in a row.

This is how a party should end, not start. And now it gets weird tonight and tomorrow. But we'll power through. Thanks to drugs. Our podcast is sponsored by drugs we haven't even done yet. Some of them we don't even know if they're here yet. We don't even know what they are. You fall asleep in a chair.

Someone puts something in your mouth. All of a sudden, you're talking again. And we have with us not only Chad Shank, Greg Chaley, Matt Becker, Officer Bob Friendly. We have everybody's here. It's Killer Termites Day. It's a fucking room full of killer termites. And our guests today are prison guard versus prisoner,

or maybe it's a love connection. All right. So Officer Bob Friendly is here. Perfect. Stay by me. You're going to want to chime in on this because this is the podcast that didn't happen last week. I was out of town.

But Chaley's talking to prison guard. Three years with Sheriff Joe. I started three years Sheriff Joe. I went to Pima County SO, which I'll say for about 10 months. Then did just under a year with the jail here at Cochise. And then I won't say who I work with here. That's fine. In town, but yeah, I got a couple of years.

The conversation I missed is my prisoner spent 18 months in jail. So they started swapping stories. And Chaley took copious notes going, fuck, Stanhope's not here. We should podcast this. We should what? Say that again? Podcast this. I'm hitting a certain age.

My balls are dropping. By the way, we do have to mention that we've obviously changed their names. We wouldn't use their real names on the podcast. No, absolutely not. Except for the guys in prison. He doesn't care. Oh, shit. Who's he going to vote for?

Anyway. So how did this kick off? Do you remember the conversation where you went, oh, you were a prison guard? I think it was talking to a prison guard about some of the things in prison. And then it came to light that there was someone who had the same stories, but from the other angle. And that was when I'm like, hold on, I gotta find a pen. We gotta fluff them. They are not professional broadcasters

so fluff them. Start them into a story. Okay, this is the one I remember. This is the one that sticks out. The prison guard said when they come in for processing there's an order to which they're supposed to be inspected and this is naked said like how when they come in for processing,

there's an order to which they're supposed to be inspected, and this is naked. How's that go? Nuts and butts. That's what the guys would say. Because I started in a male prison, I wasn't involved in the nuts and butts part. This is before you had the transgender. Yeah, and this is what I think you're getting off of.

I'm not getting off. I'm just listening. Put your pants down. I'm curious how you hide something in your nuts. Please proceed. A lot of wrinkles in there. A lot of wrinkles. They tell you in the academy that your crotch

and your ass is your 90% zone. When you're going into jail, if you're going to hide something or keister something, it's like, if you're a guy, it's on your dick, your balls, or your ass. And vice versa, if you're a female, it's in your prison pocket, up your back. And so that's why we strip

them naked, because they're so used to getting drugs or weapons and using that. You hear stories about people that had to go to the emergency room because something was jammed in their ass on new year's eve a light bulb a gerbil why didn't why don't you just say squat and cough because that's evidently what you do in prison they do that yeah squat and cough but why doesn't that get rid of a light bulb or a champagne cork it just makes it peek out a little so they can see just a little hit. Is that a hemorrhoid?

I've not been a guard or a prisoner yet, but I'm assuming that they're not trying to make it pop out when you say squat and cough. It just makes it incredibly uncomfortable for somebody to have something and then you discover that it's there, right? You kind of determine if there's probable

cause that they might be hiding something. Like if that doesn't look like a hemorrhoid, hey, we're going to have to pull you aside. And they get a little more invasive. So you're kind of a doctor as much as you are a correctional. Well, the most qualified doctor in the room. Well, you can tell the dudes stand a little weird too. I don't know if you understand where I'm going with this, but I think you do.

It's not what they're doing. The order. It's the order. Okay, good. So go ahead. This is the order. Flesh it out. I'm going to flesh it.

Okay, so the guy, the male officers, if the inmate was being a dick, just right off the bat wanted to fight, just being a prick, they would change up the order on how he would inspect him. So you're going to bend over, squat, cough. You're going to grab your ass cheeks, pull your ass open so we can inspect that nice brown eye. And then you're going to open your mouth. So right after your hands were right there on your ass,

you're going to open your mouth, and then we're going to have you lift your tongue up. With the same fingers. Yeah. Mother always said, always bring clean underpants. Well, it was always the same two or three different guards that would be there for the strip search so you'd be like hey officer whatever your strippers are here because you'd see the same dude if you came in from the road crew and have to strip from every single day you you did 18 months for uh pissing dirty so go on probation and then so 30 a couple times but Doug

after she told that story he said no fucking way you guys meant to do that the order yeah because there's obvious different orders

that different guys got which was hilarious because you know but that was a revelation and then that was that was one of the ones that really stood out and I started asking

a lot of questions because I was like wait a minute. Now I can find out why the hell did you guys do it this way? Were you guys just fucking with us or was that an accident? Yeah. Dick with us, we'll dick with you. What did you learn?

Some of the hiding techniques. A lot of the work crews. Basically, you want to get out on a work crew because those are the guys bringing in the drugs, the weapons and all that. I thought that the best place to work was in the kitchen. The commissary and the prisoner like said, no, no, I worked in the kitchen. It's road crew. And I work in the kitchen. You're going to get sick because they're going to make you wash dishes.

And you got to touch the trays from every motherfucker that's there. And it is gross. But you said the road the road and you're inhaling that shit and if you work in the kitchen you're going to get sick but the road crew i thought well yeah i guess you're outside he goes no heavy lifting it seems like why the road crew well because somebody can come out there two or three days early throw something out and say an empty cheetos bag and then everybody on the row crew knows to leave that bag alone or to grab that bag and quickly throw it in the garbage.

Because why? It has goodies. They will go so far. At tents in Maricopa County, we were taught you look at dead birds because in tents, it's not an enclosed jail or facility. The grosser, the better. So what they do is they take dead animals, usually birds, you cut open the bird, pigeon, and you

shove your drugs in it, like kind of tie it up, stitch it up, huck that fucker over the fence. And your normal guard isn't going to look at a dead bird like, oh, let me go get knuckle deep in that. The inmates know to open that up and that's how so MacGyver these inmates are.

Do they check the ass or the beak first? Well, you have to. Squat and cough. Squeeze it. But you have to learn that shit. Like, when you went into prison, the first time, I assume there was a first time. And only time. Yeah.

So the 18 months was the only time. Yeah. Like, how quickly did you learn this kind of shit? Shove drugs in a dead pigeon. If you're smart, you sit back and observe. And if you sit back and observe, you learn shit really quick. So the quieter you are, the more you observe, the more you learn. So it helps a lot to just sit back and just kind of see how the people that are doing okay

or why they're doing okay and how they're doing okay. You'll see why the guys don't get raped, too. That's the thing, too. Don't act like a badass and five dudes won't gang up on you. Pretty simple. One of the things we learned in the male jail, take peanut butter. Sheriff Joe, you get fed twice a day. Usually your breakfast is a cup of peanut butter and orange and some bread.

If you don't want to get raped in Sheriff Joe's jail, you take the peanut butter and you just whip it in your ass so if you're going to get raped the guys think oh this dude's shitting himself I don't want to get balls deep in that so they'll give you a pass unless he really likes peanut butter

I wish he was going to toss that some jelly I'm a bottom thanks for dressing up now it's a date. Dinner date. You got peanut butter in my chocolate. Got chocolate in my peanut butter.

One thing I remember talking about was the newbies. Like when the new guys came in after you had been there for a while and then you had some well they'd always get taken advantage of they'd always think they'd get the easiest job or they'd get something for free or they'd get more phone calls or somebody would lie to them and they'd believe it that's what it was a bunch of random people would keep the lie going even though they didn't hear the beginning of the lie they just agree he'd be strung along the whole time things But I did everything. Why am I doing this?

I was promised. I could be the housemaid. I could just sweep all day. I don't have to go out and work. No, you're going to have to fucking work, and you lost all your food. I always think about going into prison and playing the pedophile card like I'm a badass pedophile.

No, don't do that. I know it wouldn't work. Is this your suicide fantasy? They always have to be sequestered and fucking, you know, what do you call it? They get separated to add sex so they don't get killed

because the rival gangs, they're easy pickings. If you want to move up, if you're like the newest person on like the Woods or like the different Aryan Brotherhood or whatever gang you're in in prison, you're going to get street on like the woods or like the different Aryan brotherhood or whatever gang you're in, in prison, you're going to like,

you're going to get street cred or prison cred by like often, or like screwing with the chomos, which is prison jail for child molester. So like they're, they're the first target. They're the first target. I get, I know.

I understand that. But I, if I was like a Chad Shank, bad-ass, it would be really funny to walk in and go, fuck, I'm a pedophile. Why can't I be put in juvenile detention? There's no kids in here.

Fuck this. Who wants to be a little kid? Who wants to be my little kid? There's dudes that walk in and do some shit like that, but usually three, four, five dudes will gang up on them in the middle of the night, and then you gotta watch them cry. That's why you need chomo gangs you went to chomos you you're a bitch what do you want to be my problem is going in as someone like me is i wouldn't make it past her i'd i'd choke her and

fucking murder her at the fucking search part they They just put you in a little chair. Yeah, but then they make your tiny chair that gets tighter as you fought. Restrained chair, yeah. Yeah, that shit's a motherfucker. As long as I can murder one person, I'm going to feel all right about the restraint chair. I'll take it. Too late. Collateral damage, bitches.

Spit hood on you. Yeah, spit hood. There was another thing that came up. I love the terminology. That's like the chomo. There was another thing that came up. Fifi. So there was a dude that I lived with in my mini.

And basically he made... Mini is a cell. It's just a group of people. So there's like minis and pods. There's like mini two potty. It's like a classroom in a fucking college. Bump beds. Like roommates fucking college. Bunk beds. With a bunch of fucking degenerates living there.

Like roommates in college. Yeah, pretty much. I'm basing this on that A&E show I just watched. It's 60 days. Yeah, there's about 70 people, but there's probably 40 bunks. So there's a bunch of people sleeping on the ground. All of this sounds a lot like the army. This is fucked up.

It's very similar. Or MTV house rules. I don't know. So this dude had no money and the only way he could make money is he would uh take you know hand towels he would steal latex gloves and lotion and he would sell latex gloves full of lotion rolled up in a hand towel as a fucking wife a wifey or a bitch and he would sell those to other dudes for food and like you know self-stamped envelopes and shit like that.

So that's how he made his money is he just made fake pussies for everybody. It's called a fee-fee. Yeah, it's called a fee-fee in jail. And then he also sold Time with Bitches where he would have cutouts from hardcore porno magazines and he'd have them in a Ziploc bag so you could stick it to the wall in the shower.

All fucking like... And how did you get them in? I remember this. How do you get those pictures in? How do you get pornography into prison? Oh, there's a bunch of different ways. Legal mail? Yeah.

Explain that. Legal mail. That's when she's like, oh, yeah, that's because we can't search that. What's legal mail? Legal mail is specifically off limits. It's a protected right. They may have to receive supposedly information from their lawyer to help their trial that we can open it in front of them.

But we can't like pull it aside out of you like traditional males. So that's how if you want to get drugs or porno or anything and you're getting in that way. Have a cool lawyer. Is that what you're saying? We'll close. A lot of people are fucking their lawyers. A lot of dudes get female lawyers

just so they can get some time alone with them. Private time, right? Just press your tits against the glass. No. Fuck through the chain link is what you said. Really? You fuck through chain link? A legal visit? We can't listen in. We can't watch. There's a chain link is what you said. Really? Straight up. You fucked through chain link? Oh yeah. A legal visit

we can't listen in we can't watch so there's like a chain link fence. So there's like some scumbag bitches that barely pass the bar. What a great

business idea Bisbee. Our new sponsor. Whore lawyer. I think there's already people way ahead of you. I'm searching you porn for chain link lawyer as soon as we're done here. What a great escort service. Hey, you know what?

You put out the shingle. Business didn't come your way. You still have student loans. Belly up to the chain link or ass up they're bent over like whoreforaclient.com what do you got well we can end on this one this was uh this was a revelation between the two because they had uh different stories on how inmates would celebrate someone's birthday. They would make something from what they could get out of the commissary.

Do you remember this? Well, we would see it. They make like a tweaker pie. That's what our slang was for it. They buy everything that's sugar, honey buns, whatever crap, and they layer it. Snickers, Kit Kats, anything that could melt in the sun. So you could put it in a big like a donut box This is almost like one of those Oprah reunion shows

where prison guard and prisoner come together and make it all right I'm telling you it was awesome It's still awesome. I love hearing all this What was it called? Was it Tweaker Pie? What did you call it? They called it like a Bigfoot cookie Bigfoot cookie, that's right

And they were talking about the same thing, but they had a different name. It depends on what the commissary has. If you had a different style box, it came out different when it melted all down. Flesh out the tweaker pie for me. I still don't know what it is. What was the ingredients of the tweaker pie that you discovered? You layer it like a lasagna.

It's basically, you start with a layer of honey buns. You do first layer honey buns, second layer Oreos, and whatever with a layer of honey buns. You do the first layer of honey buns, second layer, like Oreos, and whatever else they could throw on this, cut it up. You sprinkle dehydrated coffee and shit in there. Kool-Aid powder on top. Kind of a tiramisu. I just picture her making him breakfast tomorrow.

But none of this stuff is technically illegal to put it all together, right? No, absolutely not. A sugar high. It takes like $40 worth of candy, which is hard to get. That's the right. Depending on where you're at, you're limited to the amount of commissary you're able to buy per week. So some places you're able to buy 20, some places you're able to buy $40 per week. So it depends on where you're at.

That's why I was wondering why you weren't just eating that every day at the wait for somebody's birthday. And somebody's got to put that money on your book. So after a couple months, people stop caring about you. So people start putting money in your fucking book. Did you have an income source?

Did you have friends giving you money? I had a business, so I had some money coming in. You had a business in prison? A web hosting business. So long as the websites didn't go down, I kept getting receipts. It wasn't whore for a lawyer,

was it? It was Fifi. It wasn't selling hookers. Fifi.com. I'm going to write that down. So you had commissary. You had that set. You were good.

Yeah. You could only spend $40 a week. Did people know you had money? Absolutely not. Very good. Yeah. What could only spend $40 a week, so. Did people know you had money? Absolutely not. Very good. Yeah. What can you get for $40? 80 ramens.

It is like college. It's just like college. It totally is. Yeah, I don't know. What the fuck? Were you ever tempted to smuggle something in for a favorite prisoner? Fucking never. Never?

There's plenty there. See, the thing is, I saw a lot of dicks when I was there, but never one I was fucking whispering it in. No, but you screw with them so hard. Because you're a female and you're working a male jail, their gimmick at lockdown, okay, is to whip out their cock and to start jerking it in front of the window. Mad gunners. That's happy hour here. Because they think your traditional, oh, it's a penis.

You screw with them, okay? Finish on your cell. Yeah, that's hot. Hurry up. Let's go. Put a finger in your ass. They don't know how to take it. And then dudes start calling them out.

Get at it, man. Let her keep going because we're gonna sell this diatribe on a separate website go ahead yeah what does he have to do yeah you just screw you screw with them you just tell them to finger oh that's hot yeah yeah you know finish on your cell yeah do it you know and they're like what are you doing you know because you're not running away in fear or something you know you screw with them And that was one of my favorite memories, other than hucking their food into the shit. Watching dudes jerk off. Yeah.

No, encouraging dudes to finish. Yeah, yeah. Officer Bob Friendly, anything you want to add? Officer Bob Friendly, just take four steps in the other direction. All right, we're going to wrap this up because it's fucking hot as a thing in here.

Yeah, it's a moist chlamydia vagina in this room. We're going to take a break and we'll come back even drunker after this commercial. Do you need to make a will? Need to file a living trust?

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I love that Bisbee was voted the number one small historic town in America by the USA Today. I just hate the fact that they don't have books here. Or music. Or meatloaf. What the fuck are you talking about? There's a place called Bisbee Books and Music in the fucking Convention Center Mall, you fucking moronic shit-gibbon.

How can anyone miss it? There's only like three places to go in Bisbee, and only two of them are worthwhile. There really are books? And music? What about meatloaf? It's next to a fucking restaurant called The Table, be and only two of them are worthwhile there really are books and music what about meatloaf it's next to a fucking restaurant called the table which none of us like to go to but I'm

sure it sells meatloaf to all the fucking paps who come here looking for some sort of healing experience that isn't as expensive as fucking Sedona okay so what you're telling me is we can get books and music and meatloaf all in one stop shopping yes yes yes Okay. So what you're telling me is we can get books. And music. And meatloaf.

All in one stop shopping. Yes, yes, yes. You can go there and get all that shite in the fucking convention center. And then go back to the fucking Copper Queen and tell everyone you had a great time. And there's valet parking. No! What the fuck? Valet parking. It's not the fucking Ivy, you fucking turd monkey.

No! There's no valley parking. You walk there like a normal human being, like Europeans, like pedestrians. So I bet there's no chance they have Doug Stanhope's digging up mother autographed at the Bisbee Books and Music. Of course they fucking have it. He's the only local celebrity! Everyone else is fucking dead or dying! Well, there we have it.

I guess tomorrow we're going to race right out to get books. Music. And meatloaf. Yeah, fucking do that! Support local businesses, ungrateful wretches. What up? This is Will Smith, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. I don't know.

Who cares? Let's go. Let's go. Ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha! I love when we go to break and they say, oh, but we have more. Good, because we want more.

Lady, we'll just call you Jim from now on. Nice. Because you look like you go to the gym. That's why. Yeah. Uh, all right. Let's just start with stoma fucking. Okay.

One of the... What? That's a thing? Yeah. Stoma fucking? I want to preference this first, but I got nothing against Floyd. Floyd's an awesome guy. Nothing against the shit, the if you a colostomy bag, love you. But in Maricopa County, we would use those guys

as punishment. Yeah. To where if you were mouthing off in a pod, being an a-hole, we're going to room you with shit bag guy. And I don't know if it was because you couldn't get access to clean colostomy bags or because it was always hot you know we don't got good ac in there but they always smelled like shit you know god bless them they never gave us trouble but we would always you don't believe in god you're obviously have such a cruel streak in you yeah if only you knew um well not only those guys there's the guys that pretended to be crazy and never showered. And you'd have to force them to make them take a shower every 72 hours or whatever the fuck it was.

That's me and Bingo. I take offense to you saying you're crazy. There was an incident that happened that eventually led to Klossme people being housed alone or either with another Klossme person. Because what happened... Klomos. Klomos. Yes. I saw you looking for it.

Yes. I saw Chet Chet looking for it. You nailed it. On a security check, which is 25 to every 30 minutes for a general population poverty, walking in there and make sure they're not killing themselves.

The big three Fs. Fucking, fleeing, or fighting. That's what we're looking for. During one of the cell inspections, we're going by. A cost me back dude's hanging back on his cell. And he's letting his cellie just drill his second asshole. It's right there. Cost me back off.

And just get him. Yeah, I want to say balls deep again. Pull off the bag, sweet darling, because tonight we're going to dance. I guess there's a silver lining to it.

You got to make your honey buns somewhere. And that was the silver lining on that stoma was just to get railed in it. And after that,

it was, okay, we need to separate you guys. You guys got your own little hotel room. Did you let him finish? Oh, that's the fifth F Matt Becker maybe he got a clean bag out of the deal

I just imagine Jim the prison guard here lady hey go ahead put your finger in your ass though yeah do that Imagine Jim, the prison guard here, lady. Hey, go ahead. Put your finger in your ass, though. Yeah, do that.

You know what? I'm going to one-up you, lady. Fuck my stoma, dude. Come on, Sally. Oh, yeah. You want to fuck with me? I'm going to let him fuck my hole. Yeah, I'm going to fuck my colostomy hole.

You thought you were clever, did you? That's got to be expensive. Somebody was eating tweaker pie that night. Special occasion. There is a side story to when I was a real cop. If you wanted to hear someone, a dead body, get their mouth finger fucked, I have a story for that if you wanted to hear that. No, actually, the phone lines just lit up, and nobody wants to hear this very interesting story.

But we'll let you go ahead anyway. This place is no stranger to suicides. There was a suicide call in Tucson. I was, for nine months, I was a deputy before I got kicked off for not being a dick. So I was not quite much of a dick. Having or being? Not big of a dick. So there was not quite much having or get a being not not big of a dick so uh there was a suicide call hit a little dick there was a suicide call guy uh

he either put the the gun in his mouth or underneath his chin and we called the medical examiner to come out and basically ziplock the guy and because it was a smaller lady we had to stick by in order to heave this guy's corpse in the bag and she's a lackey She's not the real medical examiner But when she came out she was so morbidly curious to figure out if he had put the gun in his mouth or knit his chin She's like well Let me you know Let me just figure out what happened slips a glove on and just goes knuckle deep in this dead body's mouth

Fingering around if she could feel the palate, you know, just right in his mouth and we all just kind of do it yeah that's your friday night y'all finish yeah do you think if it had uh done the finger fucking before the person shot themselves they would have still gone through with it well he was a freak they um he had more feminine feet than i did from wearing high heels painted toenails. So he might have been into that. Oh, yeah. You were just sitting back ogling the feet. Oh, we take pictures.

I'm not the weird one. With watching the fist fucking. Wait a minute. For the record, I have more feminine feet than you do. Heads or tails, it's our call. I'll whip them out. Meanwhile, we're- We call you Sasquant.

I don't even know if that makes sense, but it seemed funny at the time. Becker's rubbing off on you. No, literally, turn around. Becker's rubbing off on you. I did have a question for the gentleman here. The prisoner. The other here. The prisoner.

The other gentleman. The prisoner. Prison guard, prisoner. Prison guard, prisoner. You said something about how you get special food allowances. You get two trays? Well, it depends on either your religion or if you're really light. So explain that.

Well, you can get a tray, tray and a half, or two trays, depending on what your religion is. Or if you're really a little guy, they try to beef you up a little bit so you don't get taken advantage of. Wait, what religion gets more food? I don't get this. Anything but Christianity pretty much. Muslims?

I was Muslim right up until that fasting thing. Now it just switched. You get two trays but you don't get any ham. No pork, yeah. You said something about that. You get two trays but you don't get any ham. No pork, yeah. You said something about that. You'd see guys out there. Well, some guys would get taken advantage of

for their half a tray or their second tray because they were little dudes. They'd get their half a tray or their second tray and it'd get stolen from them before they even left the line. Did you ever get to a place where you go, I'll fuck a dude. Well, every place pretty much.

Depends on how crazy the situation is. Did you try to lose weight so you get a second tray? Thought about it a couple times. You said something as a juvie story. Sheriff Joe is crazy

about kids, not in a sexual way, but you know. We don't know that. We don't know that. Allegedly. So what happens is parents knock out their kids. They're always getting arrested. Hey, Sheriff Joe scared the shit out of my kid. So after you get about 15 or 20 of these guys.

He brings Steven Seagal to your house. Knocks on your door. My God, not a bad actor. Please, Mom, no. I'll never do it again. So these juvies would come in, and we would take them up to our remanded juvies. Basically, a remanded juvie is when you're a juvenile inmate, and you're being tried as an adult. And we had a lot of juvies that were like baby fuckers,

this hardcore stuff, gang related, they're being tried as adults in the system. So when we knew... So these chomos, kids, would you look up their asses too? The male officers, yeah. I got the joy the second half of that brief time period to be with the females. You would look up children's asses and you're better.

The female ones. I'm confused. If you're a juvenile and you're fucking underage people, aren't you legal? Yeah. I mean, that's not log and set. Anyway, back to you looking up children's asses. I'm just saying, she didn't specify how old they were. I mean, if you're 15 fucking and a 13-year-old, I've done that.

In Maricopa, yeah, I'd stay out of it. But anyways, if we knew a group was coming by, we would go to the Juvies and just rile them the hell up. We'd get on their side and be like, look, these little fucking assholes are coming in. You need to give them hell. We'd go and just pound on all their cell doors doors tell them they're going to get raped when they get in here you know where they live you know their mother you know the street address so we as soon as that's what the killer termites do oh as soon as that pod slider would open it was game on it was game on all the inmates would just rush uh rush that cell door we would bring all the little

kids by just like on TV. And you're like, I'm going to be in that ass. I know where you live. And these kids are like 12 to 14. They start almost just pissing themselves. A Code Brown emergency almost. Just ready to shit themselves. Code Brown's when they throw the shit at the guards.

Yeah. I avoided that. You mix your shit with your piss, put it in a coffee cup for a few weeks. And then somebody yells out Code Brown, you just fling it out your cell blindly. Did you do that, guy? If you want to get along with the prisoners, you got to fling a few. Which led to us throwing your cell phone door through the trap and into the toilet. You guys barely got it in the toilet if you were lucky.

Do you have more than one coffee cup going? Well, you acquire multiple coffee cups, just like you acquire multiple razors, because you need one to let shit in. Uh-oh, which one did I shit in? I've heard about the flinging shit thing, and that's what confused me earlier when you said the colostomy bags guys didn't do that,

because you think they're the best equipped. I mean, you got like a... Play it like a bag pipe. Yeah. Quank, quank, quank. Those guys, you can sell that bag to the other shit flingers to get some accuracy. Wait, hang on.

Give me your bag. Happy birthday. Hey, Zeus. All right. Hey, any chance you can fill it up again? We got anah coming up. Great piping skills. Oddly, not too many Jews in jail.

Wouldn't have to do with the lawyers, would it? You ever try to fuck a Jewish girl through chain links? No way. How dare you? Hey, any insight into passing drugs? How do drugs get into jail? Oh, there's a bunch of different ways.

Prisoner, you can... Wait, did you do drugs in jail? Prisoner, did you do drugs in your 18 months? There was plenty of different ways. Prisoner, you can... Wait, did you do drugs in jail? Prisoner, did you do drugs in your 18 months? There was plenty of drugs available. Did you do drugs? Of course. What kind? It depends on the day. What did you get? Well, there's Dilaudids and there's all types of the shit that the crazy

people get, so they always, you know, put it under their tongue. They cheek them on MedPass. They cheek them. Whoa, whoa, whoa. MedPass. What's MedPass? So a chick comes in with a cart and your meds are all in like a tiny little

Dixie cup or whatever and then she pours water into the cup with the pills and then makes you drink the water and the pills together. So then it's supposedly

supposed to deter them from holding it in their throat or under their mouth. Oh, it doesn't. But there's plenty of crazy drugs like Dilaudid and shit like there and there. Like tons.

And that will make you lose three or four days at a time, which is a good thing in jail. I won't digest it. I swallowed it. I won't digest it. Just suck it out of my stoma. You're going to get high as a kite. So there's shit like that that I've never heard of until I was in jail,

like Dilaudid, and then there's like the regular what was the original charge was it a drug thing it was original drug charge and then i failed a bunch of drug tests so so yeah you were just making choices with your own fucking personal i failed the first one and after that i didn't get any brownie points there is no reason you should have ever been in jail is what I'm saying. Pretty much. It was all drug. I'm doing this to me. I was doing the same thing that other people were doing, and they were doing harder drugs, and they were passing their drug tests because it got out of their system in a way quicker time.

So we would go to the same rehab every single week. They'd be able to do drugs as soon as we got out of rehab, piss clean the next week, and because I only smoked weed, I would piss dirty. So they would be able to do whatever the fuck they wanted. Their metabolisms means you have to walk the dogs.

I know. Get your heart rate up. Work a little bit harder. But yeah, it was a bunch of stupid shit. Go ahead. Don't point. No, I was going to say the passing the drugs to the prison guard.

Well, prison guards would sneak it in too. So there's always cool guards that would bring shit in. And you could always tell who the cool guards were. But you would never want to talk to them prison guard. Well, prison guards would sneak it in too. So there's always cool guards that would bring shit in and you could always tell who the cool guards were, but you would never want to talk to them about it. It just, there was plentiful tobacco or plentiful whatever in that area where that guy was working.

Do you think you would have gotten along with her? I got along with a lot of the guards. All the guards there were pretty much as bigger degenerates than some of the guards. But her, not even not even going to lie. They were bigger pieces of shit. That's probably true. Yeah.

They were bigger pieces of shit than some of the guys that were in there. Would you have fallen in love with the person? Jail romance. Yeah. Never happened? No. There's never even like a- Out of all the cock that I've seen, there was none that I'd want to ride or suck.

There was just none. How about if it was through Chain Link? Oh, now we're at a different story. We can light some candles and really get into the mood. A little tweaker pie. I'm not going to tell you guys how you sneak drugs in. That's insane. I'm not going to tell you guys how drugs get into jail.

Yeah, we could talk about the hooch. I liked whenever you talked about prison guards getting in, because before that, I was thinking that the only drugs you could do have either been in somebody's mouth or somebody's ass. So it makes it a little cleaner sound and if a cool guard can bring you something. Then it came from balls? I still don't know where you can hide stuff on balls. Prison purse. Prison purse.

I really want to know why prison guard. How did you be? Did you have the cruel streak going into this job? Ironically, no. I graduated college with a worthless fucking major. And that was in 2007. So you were angry. You wanted to take it out on some innocent fucks. That was when the recession started and no one's freaking hiring.

So crime pays and it pays people to deal with the criminals. But you seem to thrive in the cruelty of fucking with people. This guy's on a drug charge. There's no reason. He did not commit a crime. He chose to live a lifestyle

and now he's in prison for no reason and you're fucking with him and making him stick his hands up his ass and then put them in his mouth. Do a kooky dance and shit. You glorify it. My mantra was the roadhouse mantra,

where you're nice until it's time not to be nice. Respect in jail or prison, that's the key. If you are cool to the inmates, if you're cool to them, not cruel, they're going to be cool with you. There's a time to be a dick, and it's not all the time. There's times to be dainty, and there's times to be a pig. So you're saying out of all the prison things, it's called a prison purse?

Oh, for your snatch, yeah. Yeah, prison purse. You just shove everything up there. Or if you've got saggy tits, like saggy balls, you take a little bit of tape and just tape it behind that. Because they know a lot of guards are going to be like, oh, lift up your sack, let me see it. What do you want to see my balls, fag, you know?

So as an officer, you half-ass your... Did you ever find prosthetic balls? I never saw the balls. Perfect. Go to prostheticballs.com. Perfect. Go to prostheticballs.com. There was just a newser story about a guy who got an anklet put on him after he got arrested, and they put it over his sock,

which is against protocol. Didn't know he had a prosthetic leg. He took off the fucking sock, the leg, leg left it at home went out and killed a guy put on a different leg he had a spare leg great story i don't know where it goes i kind of shut down this whole fucking podcast which is something that's fucked up because with my drug charge i wasn't allowed to get work release or house arrest but they let me out on house arrest for two weeks and fucked up and then fucking brought me back in, which was hilarious.

Cause I wrote about 50 letters to the lady who puts people on house arrest. And she eventually just gave me two weeks, which was oops. She didn't do the first charge. Oops. No way. Jeff's here. Our new neighbor.

Let's go. Go ahead. Go. No, go. Did you have to mule stuff back in, uh, on your trip back in? Oh, no.

There's plenty of shit. I didn't think you were that kind of guy. But when I knew my shady friends, I would have people who were going back into jail who had gotten out for whatever reason, and they would come over and make up fucking packages for them to keister. And I would watch, and I'm like, holy shit. That's going where every single cellmate i've ever had when i first gotten in has shit out pellets so there i haven't had a single cellmate that he was in a rabbit he was gonna get fucked up at one point and came to

court with fucking like 40 pellets in his fucking stomach and shit because he knew he was fucked but all right uh question for both prison guard and prisoner. And if you agree to go on another date, we'll pay for it. Just not the table? What's the weirdest thing you've had in your butt? She pointed to a dude her keeper did you ever put anything in your butt in prison

of course what's the biggest thing what's the most expensive let's go with most expensive what's the most money you had in your asshole cell phone probably like a quarter of weed. I don't know what that goes for.

Especially in prison. A lot more in prison. It's like Brexit. You don't know the fucking now. What's the pound worth anymore? A lot of weed guys get caught when they go in because they put the big glass pipe in there too. And the lighter. It fucking jangles too much.

You brought a bong? I am a bong. You light my asshole and suck my dick. I'm looking that up on you, 14. Is that Electric Dave? I don't know who had the bigger thing in their ass, me or you. I don't know. You got to check him out.

All right. We're going to wrap this up before I get fucking sued like that guy that did the fucking sauna up in Flagstaff. Never mind. It's an old reference. I have to dedicate this podcast, our last podcast. We have our own female prisoner in dickinson texas she's our pet female prisoner now and her name is abigail hill prisoner number one nine nine

five one zero four she's in the carol young unit five five Atwater Ave, Dickinson, Texas, 77539. 77539. Abigail Hill. So flood her with all the emails and mail and shit and greeting cards and key string stuff. Don't send her shit illegal because she'll. Jail mail or legal mail. Legal mail.

I don't know. She has a lawyer. Make up a lawyer name. Anyway, we have a pet prisoner. So yeah, Abigail, we love you.

I hope you get out soon. Floyd is here. Stoma's in the house. We're going to close this up. Thank you, prison guard and prisoner. This is the most fun I've had on a podcast in the house. We're going to close this up. Thank you, prison guard and prisoner. I know this is the most fun I've had on a podcast in a while. Killer Termites Day.

Thank you. Mishka's going to play us out live. Recorded. Doug told me I should cover this song. We were doing a show together one time, and I'm a good singing monkey. I do what I'm told. So this is a cover for Doug. That sounds good.

I've been warped by the rain, driven by the snow. Drunk and dirty, don't you know I'm still Willing I was out on the road Late at night saw my Allison In each headlight Jesus, Allison, what have I done? I've been from Tucson to Tucumcari To Hatchipede, a tunnel park

I've driven every pile of shit Detroit ever made sleeping in the van cause I never got paid and if you give me speed

spite and strict nine. Carving up a wide line. Well, I'll be willing to keep moving. I've had my tires slashed I've thrown up on the street Had my head kicked in But I'm still on my feet Still

Willing Smuggled pills and powders through New Mexico Goddamn drug sniffing dogs, I hit that shit up my nose Still Willing I've bombed from Birmingham down to Bisbee Went natchy back to Boca Raton I've done every deadly drug you mixed up in the trunk

Bombing down the back roads we were so goddamn drunk And if you give me speed, Spied and Strychnine, Doug, I was dying while you were killing. But I'm still willing. He's having a little heat stroke, but I ain't no dope. I know that he ain't got the mustard. I don't have anything that rhymes with mustard.

Please hold. Custard.