The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #151: 4th of July Aftermath

Episode Date: July 14, 2016

Doug attempts to piece together the events of the extended holiday weekend. Also, Police Beat with Chad Shank.Recorded July 03, 2016 at the Fun House with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Castle Rock Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   CENTURY LINK Customer Service DIRECT LINE (STATESIDE) – 855-225-7109   “THE FEAR OF 13” Documentary - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt5083702/   "THE CHAMPIONS" Documentary - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4125222/?ref_=nv_sr_2   Closing song, "Heaven", by the Haymarket Squares from their new release LIGHT IT UP. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Da-da-da-da-da, it's the Doug Stanhope 4th of July Aftermath Podcast. Does it seem a little late for that? Well, 4th of July lasted from the 1st of July, the Friday, and we got rid of the last people on Wednesday. Christine Levine was last to leave. And in the middle there, we did a Sunday podcast after the baseball game. Oh, that's right but uh then it got weird well it was weird before then i'm gonna start with like it's my round of boggle because i

took a lot of notes of just flashbang grenade memories that i i could uh together. I don't know what days they happened. But one of the lists I have is to thank all the acts that performed. Because after the game Sunday, we did at least comedy. No looking. No looking. I'm going to do this like it's my turn at Boggle. I'm going to do it Boggle style, where if I already have the name written down.

So you guys, Chaley's here, Chad Shank is here, Kenny's here, Joby's here, Tracy's here, Bingo's here. So if I wrote it down, I want to see if I missed anyone. So just throw out names of people who performed Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, if we performed Tuesday. Whoever performed during the 4th of July party. Okay, you had a neighbor go up and tell a dumb story or some joke. Guy, he looked like... Oh, Jeff?

Yeah, I don't know. I didn't have him go up. I was doing a sound check, and he goes, all right, I knew you were going to do this to me, and walked up on stage. I was doing a sound check. I don't remember any of that. Well, because there was no show going on.

We were setting up. Then Mishka went on. Mishka, I got. He opened every show, didn't he? Yep, I got Mishka. Check. Then, let's see, fake Doug Stanhope or I'm Doug. Pedro.

Pedro went up. That's Keith D'Souza, comedian. He played a lot of roles over the weekend. Floyd went up. That's Keith D'Souza, comedian. He played a lot of roles over the weekend. Floyd went up. Floyd. Phil DeVoid, I mean. Phil DeVoid, yeah. I say Phil the bag.

And then Brett Erickson. Brett. And then Kelly and DeGrease played. How the fuck? Kenny Bang Bang. Yeah, no, I missed. Hold on, on hold on i'm trying to do it by day bingo did you play the first night okay so i did not put the music down yeah so yeah kelly carpenter bingo gut i missed bingo no bingo bingo didn't play that night that was what i'm saying

over the course of the whole party well the next night was out that the next night. But I'm saying over the course of the whole party. Well, the next night was out. That was... So I missed Chaley and Tracy. I guess I didn't get to the music. He didn't write it down. That's a yes, Bingo. Oh, wait. You know what? Up here.

No, I do have Kelly, et cetera. Oh. That means all the musicians. Hey, I'm at... Intermingled. I'm upset. Bingo's a rah. ETC.

Well, the magicians, the magic off was on the 4th. Yeah, I couldn't remember the warlocks real names. Justin. I just put magicians. Kenny Bang Bang. Justin and Becker. Matt Becker. So yeah, you got magicians.

Anyone else? And then playing that night was Bingo, Tracy, myself. And Frytown. Frytown Tufts. Frytown Tufts I missed. Oh, and the police beat burlesque. Burlesque I missed. Are you winning or losing in Boggle?

And then... It depends. And then Kelly and Bingo. Kelly and Bingo played. Yeah. Together. I guess that's everyone. That's all of it.

That's every single person. Yep. And Castle Rock. That was it. Oh, Castle Rock, Kenny. Yeah, yeah. What was that? Was that?

You rapped. What? You did the rap battle. Yeah, and I lost. And Christine. Oh, Christine Levine. I opened for Christine. I can't forget Christine Levine.

All right. Oh, yeah, that was after. That was late, 4th of July. Yeah, that was that. That was blacked out moments for half of you. You know how fucked up we were? We still have piles of fireworks. You know how fucked up we were? We still have piles of fireworks.

We didn't light one firework. That was enough shit. One sparkler. One sparkler. Hey, wait a minute. I got more stage time this weekend than I ever did my entire life. I got to go up on stage and read. Chad Chang. Yeah, put me on the list.

I got to go up and read an excerpt from your book. Oh, you were a crucial part of that. I got to go up and sing with Mishka. Yep. And I got to go up and sing with... Oh, you sang with Chad Shank. Shayla Ukulele. Shayla Ukulele.

So I got to go up three times. AKA et cetera. Or et cetera. Well, that started... It started with... We did a book signing for a local fundraiser at the bisbee royale same place we filmed the special and uh made the observer yeah i did i did the police beat i went through the police beats and then uh then chucked it under the

counter for the podcast and chaley said uh you're on the front page. Well, the police beat's on the back page. You should have put me on the back page. I'd have noticed. What were you on the front page for? The book reading. Hanging out with a Hollywood star? Sorry. Yeah.

No, no, that's Brett Erickson. Actually, Brett Erickson and Mishka co-hosted the Q&A. Because I'm not doing a show and I can't read from the book. So Chad introduces Mishka and Brett Erickson. Brett Erickson makes you reintroduce him, comes out and whispers in your ear. Yeah, not a Los Angeles comedian, but a Hollywood comedian.

So he has to bring him back out as a Hollywood comedian. So Brett Erickson, you're listed in the Bisbee Observer as capital Hollywood, capital comedian. Hollywood comedian, Brett Erickson. And then he introduces me, and we send little Keith D'Souza, who looks just like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, out as Doug Stanhope.

Everyone in the crowd, but they just keep going with the joke. Are you sure we didn't talk about this on the last podcast? We talked about it, but we didn't talk about it making the Bisbee Observer. All right. Okay. You said Sunday we only talked about baseball. All right, so we've covered the book signing. No, we did.

Sundays was jail. No, we did. Sundays was jail. No, we did. When the Beckers showed up, we did a small podcast, and I think you brought that up as well. Oh, man. Yeah, I get a lot of notes. Not on the Sunday one. The Sunday one was short and sweet,

and that's one that already went out. I have another list. Who did we show our dicks to? Oh, man. Me and Becker and Bretttt erickson at some point brett fell off but we just we basically some was it was morning it was morning when you hit my room i showed up to clean and i walked into some ass to ass reverse jerk that was kind of whoa doug's yelling i told you not to touch my butt i said just ask to you know reach around like this i was like oh we started i i can't

remember where we started i know that the band was staying at uh the quiet house over there so bingo's awake and the bass player and his girlfriend are in the bedroom and we're just stirring so the three of us two me and becker walked in with our pants at our ankles going has anyone seen bingo's tambourine then we leave five minutes later we send erickson racing in with no pants going bingo doesn't even own a tambourine then we're standing we stack the uh patio ottoman with an extra cushion so we could get our asses to their bedroom window just sat there with our bare asses in their window forever then we take this across the street to jen's house bang on just j Jen's door. Pants at her ankles. Broad daylight. Hey, can we borrow a cup of

sugar? I don't know what we did. It probably wasn't borrow a cup of sugar. We got hurt twice somehow. We must have done a lap around the neighborhood. So we get to Chaley's. I know

you're on the list. Ran into your bedroom, woke you up. Went over to Derek and Bree's house. Yeah, I drove that one. That was hilarious. They just walked right into Derek's house in the living room, working it out. It's good to have a sober driver.

Doug's got his pants down. Becker's working his pants down. And Derek opens the bedroom door to, am I interrupting something? And Bree's like, how come you don't ever come over anymore doug says as he's walking in the room yanking it off she just busts up laughing and i'm i'm on the porch smoking a cigarette i just drove dog yeah it's important to have a sober driver that so we must have got you first because oh yeah from the fun house you can see see someone walking for whatever, 30 yards. So Becker and I had time to fucking lunch under, face off at each other, ass to ass,

and start pulling off between our legs. So Kenny walks in on this. We're just quietly doing this with no one around. Like, he just walked in on us. And I'm not expecting anybody to be in the funhouse at 9 in the morning after the night before. I'm like, oh, it's quiet. All right, it's going to be an easy day.

It's not that bad. What's that squeaky noise? Then I see him right when I hit the door. Oh, fuck. I just kept going. Like I was going to the urinal. Get Anne-Marie the massage therapist. All of this reinforces why I leave early.

This is pretty late. I have stocks on the list. We must have got stocks at some point. Like three different times. You got her three different times. You walk out, and what you do is you'd go right in the back door, and then you'd come right out with your pants down. And she'd be looking at the back door for some reason.

Bam, right there. And she'd be like, ah, fuck. And then you'd go back in laughing. Becky Becker got the bratchels or Mitchell of the bratchels that's all close by you weren't you were not you were still on your property at that point so

you didn't have a felony pending if you get caught did you get Pedro yeah probably got Pedro you did oh that's right yeah he was down in the 30 days in the hole trailer yeah probably got pedro you did oh that's right yeah he was down in the the uh the 30 days in the whole trailer yeah yeah we get him have you heard from him since he left i'm not sure no i don't know when he left i don't know when people left i just know the last people to leave was levine because they always say all right finally and that and then immediately

and i i called it i go she just left we haven't seen the fucking senator all weekend as soon as the last person leaves he's going to come strolling in he did he did he called me when he was there as a matter of fact yeah i mean no one's jerking off in the funhouse. What'd you say, Kenny? One of the mornings, I threw up in my truck, and it came so suddenly that I didn't even have a chance to turn my head, so I puked on my windshield.

I just... From the inside. I just dropped him off. From the inside? I just dropped him off. Luckily, my fluid intake far exceeded anything else. I haven't washed it off yet. There's still just a blurry film of vodka soda cranberry.

It was a splash and dash. Oh, that's gross. You told me that you left one morning just in time. He said, oh, I was a diplomat all night, and then I lost it at Jimmy's on a Border Patrol guy. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. I was still drunk early in the morning, went to get a burrito at Jimmy's hot dog stand in the morning,

and there's a big wide turn-in area, and a Border Patrol guy was all the way on the left-hand side where I would pull in instead of pulling out. There's nobody behind me. It's early, so I turn on my blinker and just wait for him to pull out, and he fucking refuses to pull out. He just sits there staring at me, and then traffic starts to back up. There's not really traffic.

It's Highway 92. There's not really traffic starts to back up, but's not really traffic. Highway 92. There's not really traffic starts to back up but one car was coming behind me. That's traffic. That's traffic. I had lost my shit. I just threw it at a four wheel drive truck. I just threw it into first gear and turned sharp and jumped the curb while I'm staring

at him going, fuck you then, motherfucker! I just fucking slide into the parking space at Jimmy's and jump out as he just quietly pulls out and leaves. Boy, the jail time there somehow. To be fair, they've got kind of a wonky pull in there because it's right at the light.

And then that's like a three-way stop. Yeah, it's a weird area. Yeah, it's all fucked up. But he had his blinker to turn right. He should have been on the far right side. There would have been room for me to pull in and him to pull out. Also, it's all dirt.

So you really don't know what's going on. Was Jenny with you at that point? No. We had different vehicles. She was the vehicle coming up behind him. And the Beckers, at some point, I guess it must have been Sunday night. They got here Saturday night.

But it was Sunday night when they revealed the key. They just pull out a key at some point. It was Saturday night, wasn't it? Oh, so maybe we went over this after poker. Oh, that's what it was. It was because we had the Becker walked in, pulled the deck of cards that you guys were playing poker with, and blew away the room with a fucking killer card trick. Using the deck that you guys were playing with.

Yeah, that was pretty awesome. All right, so we probably already covered the fact that Becker's the newest... Black knob resident. Yes, on Sunday. All right, covered that. Throw in anything you remember. I get a fucking 100-minute massage that destroyed me. Yeah, and he also lost me $20 in a bet

because Becker was supposed to stay awake during that massage, and I lost him at 44 minutes in. It was supposed to be an hour massage, and I just kept hitting her like a snooze bar i'd fall asleep start snoring she goes okay that's uh 60 minutes don't get up right away take a second i go no 10 more minutes and i'd fall asleep again wake up 10 more minutes 100 minutes with ann marie is that's like getting beat with the proverbial pillowcase full of Barza's soap at boot camp. Yeah, that hurt worse than any hangover.

You came back sober-er. We have somewhat, I wouldn't say grainy picture, but you can't see my head in it, but me laying across three people with a sparkler in my naked ass. I tried to stop that because I thought you were passed out and they were just putting sparklers in your ass and I'm like wait, wait, that's fucked up!

And Stan Hope jumps up and goes no, it's okay! It's a picture. Well, make it look good at least. I thought he just walked up on the scene. I was like, oh man. Chaley was standing by with water in case things went awry because I was wearing a polyester coat.

Oh, no. I was out cold. I fell down hard that night. Was that Saturday? Saturday night, yeah. Yeah, you weren't so hot on Sunday, were you? Yeah, I make up for it other ways. Yeah, you did good, though.

Thanks. I don't know which day was which. I thought I was talking about Saturday and Sunday. Like, you guys differentiated days? Well, when the senator comes over, I'm just sitting here in a daze. Everyone left, and I'm just trying to put together everything. And he goes, I said a couple people were doing acid i i backed out on that but uh i i did some ecstasy at some point he goes last time i did ecstasy i i uh wound up naked on someone's

back doorstep oh and i go oh we were naked in front of a lot of people but i can't tell you that that had anything to do with the ecstasy i I don't know what night was what. No, that could have been ecstasy night. It doesn't take ecstasy. No. That does make sense because I walked around here the entire night thinking that none of the stimulants I ingested here had worked at all. And then I went home and I ate one of those Mexican Viagra and that didn't work.

And then I passed out. But at 8 a.m. I woke up and every fucking thing I had taken before went home and i ate one of those mexican viagra and that didn't work and then i passed out but at 8 a.m i woke up and every fucking thing i had taken before was working full speed i was like oh it was a delayed reaction to all of that but i'll take it morning jenny joe b cooked his ass off oh yeah I think he went home most of the time. Yeah, he did. He bailed early every time. Cooked and ran.

Smart man. I didn't see Bingo, I think, but two or three times. I practiced him the whole fucking time. Yes. You guys did great. Bingo performed live in front of a real audience for the first time with both Kelly Carpenter and Chaley ukulele. I think there's a YouTube clip that Gretchen put up,

um, of a Shaley ukulele. Chaley ukulele is, uh, Chad, uh, uh, Chaley,

Tracy on cello, uh, Chaley on ukulele, bingo on guitar. And, uh, occasionally Chad Shank on vocals. It was a fucking crushing night.

And Kelly. She was singing backup, and she was doing percussion too. Kelly Carpenter. I couldn't even see at that point. Yeah, they did really good. Oh, yeah. Do I remember it clearly? No. We all sang. We're just smiling in the crowd.

We all sang. So, I don't know what else you got on your list there, but we did lose two people last night. Oh, Stocks. Yeah. Our stalker, stalker Deb, moved back to L.A.

And Harley. Her boyfriend, Harley. yeah yeah our stalker stalker deb moved back to la and harley her boyfriend harley stalker deb moved back to la they came over last night and it's one of those nights i i said listen i'm i'm rehabbing i guess i told her i'd take her to dinner somewhere during that six days i'll take you to roca before you leave and she's like uh hey you said you'd take me to roca i go listen i i had to do a 36 hour rehab on the couch i sweat through three shirts in like eight hours i had to keep getting up taking off a t-shirt that was sopping wet change it with a dry one till i sweat through that she shows up with and we're just i'm just not in the mood for harley he just it's not a not a bad bone in his body but he just keeps saying dumb shit in a circle like real nervous talking like waggy you know tailed puppy that pees himself when he gets excited. He just kept saying something.

And we're trying to have a conversation, and he's looping. I can't even. He's just talking about a cop we had here, because CNN's on. He starts talking about, well, we had a cop shooting here. And he's like, I knew that guy was dangerous when I moved in, because I was unloading gear. And I told him he can go around me. And and he says i'll come move your car for you and i knew he's a bad cop then and that's how i knew because that's when the first time i met and he just keeps

saying this two-sentence story in a loop and i try to interject to make it into an actual dialogue between people he goes but no that's how i knew, because I knew then, and I was telling people, that guy shouldn't be a cop. And Bingo's like, and what were you trying to say, Doug? And he was making me crazy. Finally, I had to tell Stocks, just get him out of here while I'm still smiling. Because I've pounded on him before verbally

and then had to apologize for overreacting. That's one of the things I think I did too, and it may have been even some of it related with Harley, but I remember at one drunken point I was shouting, sometimes the fucking gate sticks. I'll open the gate for you. I was fucking throwing people out at some point. Yeah, I remember you threw out one of the musicians.

I heard about that one. He said you were mocking him during his punchlines of his raps, one of the Frightown Tufts. He lied. Yeah, I know he did because it was me mocking him during his punchlines of his raps. Oh, this just happened? Yeah.

Oh, okay. That was what happened. And then I told him it wasn't me, and he kept insisting it was me. And then I fucking got mad because he was calling me a liar. That was the end of the Frytown Tufts. Yeah, he left. I don't know who left with him. Met a bunch of new neighbors.

Jeff was cool as shit. Jeff's that way up the hill? Two up in the brick house on the same side. Okay. And the new neighbor's right next door in the rental where we've been so happy that that has, it's been over a year since it's been rented. And I show up last weekend coming from LA and I saw two motorcycles and a bicycle and I went, fuck, bikers with kids.

But no, old Colorado deadheads, couple 60-year-old dudes, stoners. I went over to introduce myself, and the guy gets up slowly, just hands me a pipe. No, no, but just letting you know, there's a party going on here for a couple of days. You're welcome over. Yeah, they came over for your

show yeah i remember meeting them yeah uh brett and john yeah trace i don't know there's a bunch of people that there was a couple names floating around and neither bernadine jived yeah there was bernadine i remembered that name i wouldn't remember her face There was a lot of people that I can see in my head, but I can't remember at all their names. There's one older lady that kept, I think she was sexually harassing Pedro, someone that was far younger. Oh, you're a cutie.

The older woman, don't know who. He probably took her to the trailer. On July 1st at this book signing? No, no. So it was Pedro, because I'm like, wow, you're going to go two for two on the older ladies. You're really burning your bridges here in Bisbee, aren't you, Pedro? Hey, you might not never come back.

That's good. Hit them while you can. The last morning, there might have been a day. it was the night i slept in the rape trailer oh that night it's the only night i remember where i slept that was the only thing i know about that is it wasn't the night i slept in the rape trailer because you weren't in there with me that's the only thing that was tuesday night i came out piss, and Becker's in the wheelchair right outside the door of the rape trailer, slumped over, looking like a dead elderly person.

And I got him into the rape trailer to sleep with me. In the sun? It was AC. No, no, when he's in the... No, it was 3.30 in the morning. It was before 4.30. It was before sunlight. I think that was Sunday night, Monday morning.

Because that's when Erickson said that. No, it was the last. Tuesday. It was Tuesday. I don't even know. Oh, yeah. The Brechtel stayed an extra day. So that's what it was.

It was their extra day. Yeah, there was one day that didn't really count at the end. I don't know. Tuesday? Fuck. It was a good time. One of the days we had agreed to podcast and I fucking was still in bed and then Stan would call and he's like, I'm just gonna fucking

sort of be on the podcast and then you guys can be on the podcast. How about if we don't do a podcast because I'm still in bed. Yeah, that's better. Tuesday. Way better. That was Tuesday. That's way better. That was Tuesday after Anne-Marie. Why do I have this down? Chad Fart.

You have a fart story? I wrote it down. I have weird notes written down from the middle of the night too, but they don't make any sense. I got heat stroke notes. That's about it. Oh, that's right. I have Rogan Burrito Lakers.

You're supposed to. You told me to write that down. Whoa. That's an old story. Oh, okay. And then Michael Shivo. But I have no reference. I didn't put anything as to why we were fucking...

I don't know. Oh, was that a heckle? No. Shit. For the game? I don't remember. It's a Shivo. It was a...

Shit, I don't know. All right. I thought if we all get together, we'd remind each other of stuff, but it can't be a whole podcast if I don't know. All right. I thought if we all get together, we'd remind each other of stuff, but it can't be a whole podcast if I don't fucking remember. That's what it is. Well, there's a couple of good stories, but we still have to live here, so you guys don't get every story that happens. True.

All right. That's all the notes I have for this portion. We're going to watch some fights here. The UFC is about to kick off, and we'll do shit since then. Got some angry stuff I want to yell about. I get a death pool hit that was fucking great, but it's old news now. UFC guy. UFC guy, he fought Chuck Liddell and stuff, but then after he quit, he moved to Russia and became a hitman for the Russian mob.

I read about that. Let him out of prison because he was doing many, many years in prison. And they let him out for cancer, stomach cancer. So I got him as a trade round solo pick, 40 years old and an athlete bonus points. See Joby. Now you show up the guy, Amar's Suleov. Yeah.

It's a, it was 110 point, uh, kill. So that put me right on your fucking heels. Chad shank. Nice. Put me past Jack and Dino.

So, uh, yeah, it's, it's getting, uh, it's getting gummed up towards the top. Carlos still number one?

Yeah. We're just not counting him anymore. Okay. Stan Hope is just chasing me right now. Have you told Carlos? Who's in second? I am. No, you're in third.

Lucy St. John. Did Lucy bump me back down? Because I bumped Lucy back. Oh, fuck. I haven't looked in a little bit. It's Lucy. It's Carlos, back. Oh, fuck. I haven't looked in a little bit. It's Lucy. It's Carlos, Doug. No, it's Doug.

Unless. Carlos, Lucy. No, that was. He had miscounted it. I'm only in fourth. So Lucy and I are combating for second place. And fuck Carlos Valencia. We'll catch him.

Someone will catch him. He blew his load early. Yeah. I think he just hit some fucking crazy obscure terrorist guy the other day. Did he? No. I think he hit

some peace protester. Let's check the stats on the break. Alright. And we'll come back with an update. We will. And we're taking applications for a new stalker. Debbie Stalks is gone. By Skype.

Not in person. Do not apply here. Oh, no. I don't know about that. We're going to get homeboy from the football freaking. No, it's got to be a chick. You have to hit all. You have to basically match her resume. Where you

stalk poorly and that you don't bother us. You're kind of quiet. You got to get a boyfriend that talks a little bit less. We're going to get a sheet of plywood and then we're going to cut out like a keyhole. You have to be able to fit through the keyhole.

Then we'll talk to you. All right. We'll be back after this preliminary fight. Hey, Ogden, Utah. Are you hungry for pizza? Pizza. Pizza. Then you better run your ass down to Pizza Runners.

3017 Harrison Boulevard right here in North Ogden. Run your motherfucking ass down. We have the best pizza. We have vegetarian pizza. Vegetarian pizza! Pepperoni pizza! Pepperoni! We have every kind of pizza your mother ever warned you about.

She warned you. She did warn you. We're open every fucking night at Pizza Runners in North Ogden. You don't want pizza? You're a fucking pussy. Fucking pussy! Why don't you have a meatball grinder? Ask Juanita. She makes them by her fucking self. She's the hot one.

Kirsten would recommend the jalapeno cheese sticks, but what does she know? They want a fucking pizza! It's Saturday night, let's get out there! Give us a call right now at 801-394-4265! 801-394-4265! And don't even try blocking your fucking number, because we're going to know that you're a 13-year-old kid ordering these to the neighbor's house, you motherfucker. I know where you live!

Pizza Runner 3017 Harrison Boulevard, North Ogden, waiting for your call now. We're family friendly. All right, I went a lot batshit, but instead of breaking my computer, smashing all the internet modems that I can't even find, my Netflix has not worked in months. Usually, as soon as Chaley leaves town, it goes out.

But usually, Shawnee or Chaley can fix it. But now, Chaley can't even fix it. I'm not getting Netflix or Amazon amazon prime which i never used anyway for movies and it's just because of this recommendation that i tried again no still not no fucking netflix so i called up and gave him a ration of shit and the lady couldn't care less yeah i'll cancel it they didn't none of that, what can we do? Have you tried this? She's like, yeah, I'm not going to listen to this shit. Yeah, I'll cancel it.

Oh, good, cancel it, because I don't use it, and I don't see a Netflix binge in my future anywhere. Got shit to do. Then to everybody except Stanhope, you should watch The Fear of 13. It's a good documentary give me some it's hard because i you you don't want to give anything away i almost want to say don't read the fucking blurb that netflix gives you just watch it but i did check it out on the innocence project website and it all checks out the whole story

checks out it's but the guy is a masterful storyteller joey was just bitching because he said it sounded scripted but i was arguing because when you're in fucking solitary confinement for two years in complete silence and darkness and then somebody introduces you to books i think you become a fucking decent storyteller after a little while so i i give him it was a little a fucking decent storyteller after a little while. So I give them. It was a little bit scripted, and it gets a little bit slow in parts,

and you kind of wonder where it's going. But if you stick with it, it's a really good documentary. Someone sent me the DVD, which I had to revert to, of one of our thank yous. It's called Peace Officer. Oh, yeah. It was really poorly timed to watch after all this shit going on with guys shooting black kids because it was an armed white guy

that was actually firing out of his car that they gave a million chances to. It was overkill. Radley Balko's in it. But it was like, all right, compared to what's going on in the news, yeah, that guy, still, sure, it was overkill, but not compared to the shit in the news. So I didn't get all the way through it. Other recommendations?

What else have I watched? on uh i think it's called the champions on netflix it's not a great documentary but it's about michael vick's pitbulls what happened to him afterwards and since i didn't have tv or anything i had no idea the extent of what they found when they went there. So they were showing like fucking they had PEDs for the performance enhancing drugs they would inject these dogs with and stuff. It was a humongous dogry. It was called the Champions.

You don't have Netflix. You can't watch it. There's a lot of options now. Netflix is not the fucking only game in town. The problem is there's like Seasys. I don't know if that's the amos on prime one there's a few and fucking hulu and shit like that the problem is with my netflix they would always blame my internet provider and the internet provider would blame netflix so i don't know

who to yell at other than they're in india well uh i want you hi my name is jennifer how can i help you that's a lie that's you open it with a fucking lie are you talking about century link yes i have a direct line to a u.s representative i'll give you the number for century link because i got tired i went into a tirade why would you bitched at them because I got tired of explaining the same shit to people from overseas every time. So now I would say, give that out to our listeners, but not to fuck with them. If you have problems with century link,

we're not saying prank call them to the point where they changed this number. But if you have problems with century link and you want to talk to someone named Jennifer, who's really named Jennifer. Well, when we got, when we got the new router which that's that i think that's part of the problem but i don't know but i called having a 51 year old guy to work your fucking internet yeah but uh i called century like me getting angry and crept out like like animals that can smell an earthquake fear. Yeah.

As soon as I started yelling about fucking don't, I'm going to find someone fucking 19 that to do my internet and Tracy and Chaley slowly packed up their stuff. So they could sense my fucking morning rage coming at early, real early. But I, I called century link and I told them we had a new router that we weren't using theirs, the Netgear D7000.

And the guy goes, oh, yeah, let's see what we can do here. We'll pull up your account. I gave him the account number. Who am I speaking to? I go, yeah, this is Doug. Doug, last name Stanhope? Yeah, yeah, that's it. That's it.

He goes, oh, hey, I'm a listener. Really enjoy the show. And I go, well, then I guess I should be honest. This is, yeah, I know. You're the producer. This isn't Stanhope. This is the producer. Yeah, it's Chaley.

What can I do for you? And I'm all, oh, man, I just want to hang up. This went great. But he was really cool, and he helped out. And so all of them aren't – all of it doesn't go overseas because I didn't even have to, like, scream to get a manager or someone stateside because I think that's what you told us before. I have to call enough times that I knew right away

to just ask for somebody stateside of me to give me somebody stateside. And then one time I got a cool person and i was like how do i avoid this and so he gave me the number so if you want to get a guy who's in salt lake city if you have problems with century link call 1-855 hold on hold on what's that number 1-855-225-7109 that's CenturyLink. And it's not a racist thing. My two problems are you know that they're

trained in customer service. They don't know what the fuck to do. They're trained in how to be overly polite. I'm sorry you feel that way Mr. Stanhope. I hope that we can stop with the polite talk. you're always gonna get transferred to somebody else but you have to explain your entire fucking situation each time

and sometimes they would transfer me to somebody else in india and i knew immediately i'm like all right i'm gonna explain this to you but you're not gonna fucking comprehend it and you're gonna transfer me to somebody else anyway so well they're good more than likely they're looking at a flow chart a yes no if did did he did the customer answer yes here so they're really not listening they're listening for the cue on which which level to go down i get that it doesn't make me any less of a fucking dick but i get that yeah i would be the same dick to an american person but for different reasons Expedia, I would call and they would go, oh, I would explain everything, give them the itinerary number, listen to all the bullshit, let me look it up, what's your login, this and that. And then they'd always go, oh, you're

Expedia VIP, we have to transfer you to the VIP line. I go, that's what vip means is i have to talk to one extra person every time sorry for your inconvenience i mean i know that you are frustrated they're reading it right off a sheet please hold that that just happened when we were driving back i remember from that yeah yeah we periscoped that one shortly yeah yeah no you didn't no he didn't uh yeah that was that was crazy that just kept getting and it took about the entire uh three quarters of the trip back from tucson so that yeah that's how long that took uh so uh yeah i was gonna cancel century link as well since you both blame each other. But I'm bundled with DirecTV, who are no fucking prize themselves. I don't think there's a better option. I can't imagine I'd go, Cable 1 is so great.

But I was going to cancel that. But if I canceled that, it would have killed the fights tonight. Yeah. And we want to see Brock Lesnar. Oh, that's right. That we want to see Brock Lesnar. Oh, that's right. That's the fight. Amongst others. The title one is the gal.

Misha Tate and Emmanuel Nunez. That's tonight? John Jones failed the drug test. He's watching from the sidelines. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's back. Bingo loves him. He's fighting tonight. Mark Hunt's going to whoop him. I don't see how anybody can beat a fucking juggernaut like Lesnar.

Mark Hunt is badass, but when I watched him square off, he comes up to Brock Lesnar's waist. Oh, no. All right, we'll see. Can't wait now. We got some police beat coming up. We'll podcast in small chunks. Yeah, they started already.

Oh, shit. All right, Fight Song. We'll be back after this commercial. Hey, Killer Termites, you coming to Bisbee? And you want a signed copy of my book? And I'm out of town? Don't you fret, yo! You can get an autographed copy of my book, Digging Up Mother, right here in Bisbee at Bisbee Books and Music. It's right there at the

Bisbee Convention Center. If you can't find the Bisbee Convention Center, evidently it's at 2 Copper Queen Plaza. But all you really have to do is you take a right when you come into the bottom of Tombstone Canyon. It's what's Main Street. It's the first thing on your left when you go up Main Street. Just go to a bar and say, where's the convention center? And they go, what's the convention center? Because no one really knows because it's not really a convention center. You go, it's between the Bisbee grill and uh the bisbee coffee shop table is what they call the bisbee grill i refuse to call it

that but it's in this little tiny thing everyone fucking knows just go hey where is the bisbee grill or bisbee table or the bisbee coffee shop and it's in that little tiny center there it's a little tiny shop but they have fucking doug stanhope books and uh other shit bisbee related it's a nice place to go and you can go to the bisbee table or table or just say bisbee grill because i will never recognize their new name or go get yourself a cup of coffee and go, hey, where's the bookstore that's right next door to you inside? And yeah, they have autographed copies of my book. And if they're out, they'll call me and go, hey, can you run up here for a second and autograph a copy of this book? And if I'm in town, I'll do it.

Because they're very nice. That old bookstore wouldn't even carry my fucking DVDs. I never asked them to. I never asked them why they didn't on their own. I just assume everyone hates me. But this person doesn't hate me. So I go in there and I go autograph books. And I'm nice to that person.

And they're awkward with me and I'm awkward with them. But go there because they're very nice people and they asked me to even do a book signing. So yeah, someone in old Bisbee likes me and their name is Bisbee Books and Music. You can find them at bisbeebambam.com

bisbeebambam.com bisbeebambam.com Probably get sued for fucking stealing that catchphrase. Phone number 520-353-4009. No prank calls on this one. I get to live here. We're going to take a break from this very important podcast

because I want to tell you guys something that's changed my life. It is the Boilermaker Kit at DougStanhope.com. Before I found out about this great product, I was making Boilermakers all wrong. I was pouring the beer in my mouth, and then I had a handful of whiskey, and I was trying to splash that in my mouth. It was just a mess. I'm half blind in one eye. But now, thanks to the Doug Stanhope Boilermaker Kit, I'm drinking like a pro. Get your own, DougStanhope.com.

If you want to be a douche, sure. Fine. All right. Fights are on, dogs are barking. I'm going to hear. Here's a couple of things that I... We were going to do letters to Johnny to Doug

where I'd each episode read an email that I get to give to Johnny Depp and they're all fucking crazies but I thought that's just going to invite more people to either fake them or actually send them

but yeah they're highly amusing. That's still in play. Maybe we do that. So you're kind of testing the waters? Well, there's also, I get fucking emails from crazies. And we have to embrace the mentally ill. That's what we do. But I also...

I appreciate it. There's one guy that sent me over 70, and they're all telling me different uh like motivational speakers to watch and uh diets to and this is going to help you focus and your act is going to get so much better and he really thinks he's helping but he's a fucking lunatic i've been that lunatic before i never wrote anybody letters 70 fucking emails like sometimes three in a day and they just go i i couldn't find like one that encapsulates the the whole like if i could just read one that's exceptionally crazy they don't sound but when you add them up like am i asking

for help on the air like oh i oh, I really need to be in... Sure, yes, I probably do need to be in better health, but... That's your 10-minute timer. Oh, shit. Shepherd's pie. Okay, quickly. So maybe we do letters from crazies. Maybe we do letters to Doug, to Johnny.

But right now, we're not. Thank you, Tracy. to Doug, to Johnny, but right now we're not. Someone sent this beautiful caricature of me. Is that a t-shirt idea for the tour? Buy some merch, assholes, or I'm never leaving my house again. It's hideous.

That's from Paul Wardle. I steal your shit. This is a common one. I steal your shit online because I don't have money, but I thought I'd pay you back with this. It's a hideously horrible caricature of me. Can we put that in the Black Knot bathroom?

Spot on accurate. Yes, you can. All right. It looks like Stanhope as a garbage pail kid. Good call. Dear Doug Stanhope as a garbage pail kid. Good call. Dear Doug Stanhope, Digging Up Mother was a wonderful book. I took it into a chemical detox slash psych hospital

and had to tear the hardback cover off. That's how I know it's legit. Nice. I met one of Roger Waters' illegitimate children in there and read the part about your mom jerking off the family dog to her and others. And we were all laughing, dying, until some lady perpetually stuck

in pajamas yelled at me that what I was reading was disgusting and that it was triggering her or something. What a cunt, Garrett. Alright, letters from the Nuthouse. And then finally, hey Doug, could you please ask Johnny if he'd shoot a video with me

for my band Shaman Slam and the Algorithms. Obviously he's joking. I can get us free pizza from my work and I get a spare room so you can crash if you want. That's what I don't want to do. People are spoofing your idea. I don't want to do people are spoofing your idea i

don't want i i don't want to get a bunch of like fake shit the real ones are funny because i get some serious crazies sending me johnny depp shit tell him that we're psychically in tuned or hey i showed up to see his hollywood vampire show but i was late for the meet and greet and i wanted to tell him that he should really do this and that, and that he should cover this song and that. Yeah, I'll definitely let him know. And that was the letters, and we have thank yous, probably I'm gonna miss someone. Someone sent me socks

and a weird tiny flashlight, no name. The flashlight's great, because I can use that on the tour. And a six-pack of just socks. They're burner socks, though. Those are the socks you use on tour. Alright, well, yeah, it's a weird thing to get. This is a luxury flashlight. Those are the socks you use on tour. All right. Well, yeah, it's a weird thing to get. This is a luxury flashlight.

I've never even seen one of these. I've never even heard of a luxury flashlight. It comes in a little jewelry case, a little tiny mini flashlight. I'm impressed.

And someone sent us the tile, you know, for when you lose shit. Yeah, it works, too. There you go. It's hooked up to an app on your phone, so you can actually find your phone. If you can find your's hooked up to an app on your phone,

so you can actually find your phone. If you can find your keys, but you can't find your phone, it helps both ways. They're not a sponsor yet, so don't talk too much shit. Maybe it came from the tile. I don't know how to turn it off, though. Hold on. I don't know how to turn it off.

You're going to find your shit in perpetuity. You will never not know where your shit is. Turn off, motherfucker. There you go. Got it. You throw stuff away you didn't want with the tile attached. Any other thank yous? We got these. Oh, no, I bought those.

Oh, you got the cactus. That was to go with the killer. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Doug. Yeah, oh, you got the cactus. That was to go with the killer. Thanks, Doug. Thanks, Doug. Yeah, oh, you got this. Our friends at Haymarket Squares just had a new album come out, Light It Up. It's the fucking name.

What? When the Frytown Tufts were here, I'm going, there's another band that has a similar sounding name. A better one. Haymarket Squares. I was asking everyone. So they just, it's called Light It Up. I'll put a link on the podcast page, but

we'll go out with one of the songs off of this today. Oh, and one more thing. This is from Nash Guitars. I haven't even opened it yet. But it's stolen Bibles. Bill sends us stuff all the time. No, it doesn't feel like it. It's certainly not a guitar. Hey, Uncle Bill. right. It's certainly not a guitar. All right. Hey, Uncle Bill.

Hi. Bye. The guy on the right? It's Stolen Bibles. Is it? All right. I'm going to go get this shit out of the oven. Thanks, Bill.

There's a fight on. We'll be right back. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope. And for those of you who ask me when I occasionally check my internet, can I get a signed copy of the book? Yes, you can. If you already have the book, wait till I go on tour. But if you want a signed copy right now, go to

DougStanhope.com, go to the merch page, and Chaley has them, or go to whatever page Chaley has them on, because he makes this podcast work, and he's selling the things, and I sign them all day when I'm trying to watch hockey. Why do I watch hockey? Because I hate basketball, but I also watch basketball. I'm trying to do whatever I can do to not work. I'll be working soon, but that's

against my will. So go to DougStanhope.com and order a book that I had to sit here and sign when I was otherwise trying to watch a sporting event that I don't like while I'm drinking. Thank you. Rolling. And Chad Shank is here. Everybody's here. Uncle Bill is here. Tracy's here. Joby's here.

Shawnee's here. The bastard child of Will Ferrell and Nick Swartzen I'll be tweeting in a minute you've already seen it by now if you're listening to this Kenny's here, Bingo's here and Chad Shank and Chaley Chad Shank for the first time

brought the boys to the fun house Chad Shank's sons John and Kenny who I jacked up to give us stories about Chad Shank. And he went, oh, no, no stories. I said, if you have a story, you get a plate full of food. We'll do it later if you have one.

I already told you all the stories. There's no more stories. They have stories about you you don't even know about, probably. I don't want to hear them. All they have to do is feed you, and then you'll chime in on it. Either your best Chad Shank snapping stories, Dad Went Mental, or the sweetheart stories that you would probably be more embarrassed about. The time Chad Shank held you in your arms, and you had to get stitches,

and he kissed you on the forehead, and read you that Grinch had stole Christmas because you missed it on the TV. Shit like that. You're already laughing. You already got stories. That's John, right? John's the TV. Shit like that. You're already laughing. You already got stories. That's John, right? John's no hat, Kenny's hat. Alright, got it.

Alright, between fights. Go ahead. You rushed over Nash Guitar's box from Bill. He sent us a Bible, but he sent us a Bible from stolen from the Marriott in LA and replaced with Digging Up Mother. Doing my part to replace lies with the truth.

Ha, Bill. Good work. Also, an envelope that says, for the Velvet Hammer, Chad Shank. Don't know what's in there. The Velvet Hammer? That's your new moniker. And to the envelope, please. While he's opening that, there's also a book, Ass Goblins of Auschwitz.

Auschwitz. And the thing says, not readable, but fun to place in the guest bathroom for what the fuck value. That's Bill from Nash Guitars. Bill, send me $100. I'm going to gamble recklessly on fights the rest of

the night thanks to Bill. The next fight is a chick fight and I think Tracy brought this up. I think we should gamble on whether or not the winner cries at the end of the fight. There's no gamble in that. The winner cries. Winner or loser, she cries. We can put odds on it.

It's an exotic. It's not really... Thank you, Bill. Thanks, Bill. I just glossed over that because the fucking shepherd's pie was going to burn. So it's a Bible. I got to go. We would have thrown away the box with $100. We would have pulled a bingo.

I was saying that because earlier we talked about every time I bring up Netflix, dumb shit, Internet, y'all tell me how to do stuff. Oh, all you have to do is how to fucking hijack shit on my laptop. I don't watch shit on my laptop. I need stuff that works on the same remote as my cable television that I don't need to. I don't I'm not in college. I don't bootleg stuff. I pay for it and I want it on a 60 inch screen. So I appreciate all your offers of advice that have to do with me watching this on a phone or at the library, but that's not how I do shit. The only, I need to, I need a setup where I can watch it on a fucking large TV screen from my couch

without having to call Chaley every three hours to fix something. Wait, that's what you paid for already. What? Netflix. I know, but I say, oh, my Netflix doesn't work. All you have to do is log on to this fucking weird website through the, what do you call that, the fucking Silver Highway where you get methamphetamine and opiates.

What's that? Oh, the Silk Road. Silk Road. Silver Highway. Same thing. My GPS doesn't work either. It's for older people. The Silver Highway.

The book is available in the UK. I got a few people that don't know. They can't afford Google, and they tweet me. Hey, is that book available in the UK? I don't know. My Google doesn't work until Chaley fixes it, so I can't find it. Yes, it is. Amazon UK.

Amazon UK, yes. Even people in the UK can order it from the Stanhope store, though, right? Actually, I... If you want to pay huge shipping just to get an autograph, yes, you can get it off my site. Very limited run, though. I only bought a few. And Bingo's book, we're still deciding whether or not we self-publish.

Got some notes back from the agent. And yeah, they wanted, well, it's great, but you should flesh out this and that. It's a fucking diary. It's not a memoir. It's a diary that was written in the moment. They would have said, all right, Anne Frank. I like what you come up with.

Elaborate more on how scared you were. Yeah, I know you're a 13-year-old girl. We're noticing no love interest. That quill pen. Scratching of the quill pen could alert the Nazis. But really, yeah, bleed this out a little bit more because I like where you're going with that character. No, no, it's a diary.

We're not changing a fucking thing. So we might self-publish. We still have a, my publisher said he has a couple of boutique houses that might be interested in putting out it as is with the music as is. And if not, fuck them. We ain't changing shit.

So we'll figure that out once we get done this road trip, which we're a week away from. And Brian still hasn't finished booking it. There might be more dates, but what dates do we have? We got 18th, El Paso, 19th, Albuquerque,

the 20th in Colorado Springs, 21st, Fort Collins, 22nd, Billings, the 24th, El Paso. 19th, Albuquerque. The 20th in Colorado Springs. 21st, Fort Collins. 22nd, Billings. The 24th, Bozeman. 25th, Missoula. I was going to say Mississippi. 27th is Salt Lake City, and I just added Flagstaff on the 29th, and I think that's going to be the last date based on what Hannigan's booking.

But there might be a few fill-in dates there all right and if there's not hey maybe we do some fuck off surprise dates podcast with meth heads or whatever else happens in that area surprise show who knows when does this start this starts on the 18th bill of uh yeah of july 2016 if you're just getting caught up on the podcast you don't podcast we're gonna get you your own podcast uncle bill so you don't talk off mic on ours uh bingo's still getting fucked with on her bills from valley hospital where she was in the loony bin and i really want to figure out a unique way of fucking them

they're charging her even though it should go through her crazy whatever she's on I don't know how that works she doesn't know how that works and her local people say they try to deal with Valley Hospital billing and they just won't play

so I've paid bills that I shouldn't have had to pay just because I don't have time to fuck with it and I don't know how it works. But they'll end up paying. I just gotta figure out how. Someone found the CEO of the entire chain of

fucking hideous let me let it lay. But, yeah, we'll find out someone who's going to get a lot of letters that Bingo didn't get. But letters aren't enough. Valley Arts and Crafts Hospital. Get on the Yelp. We're going to do one more beat with the boys. I know you say no, Chad, but they say yes.

Their laughs say yes. My youngest son will probably have some shit to say, but he might make some shit up. You never know. I'll let you stay on mic to corral it. No, it was fun. Which one's the young one, John or Kenny? John.

When you met Kenny, our Kenny, did you go, fuck, I wish my son had a different name so they never get confused? No, I just put Kenny in my phone immediately as Cornhole Kenny because he tried to hustle me on Cornhole my very first day. And then later I learned he was Castle Rock Kenny, but at first he was Cornhole Kenny. We could have made that stick. I tried.

All right, I got nothing. I got nothing. Oh, shit, fights are on. Joe Rogan's giant head on 60 inches of high definition. Yeah, it's so taken. Uncle Bill, who's seen it all in his 85 years on this planet, just looked at Joe Rogan's head and went, Jesus Christ. All right.

One more beat. Oh, we got to do the police beat, too. All right. Yeah, yeah. One more beat. Ready? We're back. All right.

Say we'll be back. We'll be back. I said one more beat and we'll be back. I meant one more fight. They get it. We'll be back. We'll be back. I said one more beat and we'll be back. I meant one more fight. They get it. This is Bingo. You are listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. All right.

We're going to wrap this up. I guess the Chad's boys don't have any stories or maybe... I fucking tell you guys every story. Just start it and Chad will finish it. That's how all the fights start with Kenny. I tell you guys every story I have. It's not like I hold back on stories. I know, but they probably remember some that you were in a...

What do you call that? The red haze the what when you get to that violent place that's true they were there watching TV whenever I showed up all bloody after the guy tried to carjack me that happened but I already told that story

I was hoping they'd have a cute one a cute Chad Shank cute chad shank story sorry saving a goat all right so we'll just uh close it out what what did you just say i said oh yeah sorry there's no cute all right so we're just gonna close out close out with Chad Shank and the police beat. And, oh, shit. Remind me about the Shawnee Periscope possibility.

That's for tomorrow. Did you want to? No, no, I just bought that. I bought that to heckle the umpire with. I bought an umpire's handbook. That's for tomorrow. That's some serious research. Yeah, and you know what?

It's been a tough week for both the blacks and the police. So this is a very tough week for Chad Shank out there braving the Bisbee riots, which we may periscope later if we get it right. And if we can get you down here, I don't think he can. I mean, Officer Bob Friendly. Oops.

Beep. All right. So, Chad Shank, what's going on with all the tensions out there with the police? What do you have today? It is indeed high tension out here, Doug. A subject acted disorderly. Oh, fuck. Hold on. A subject acted disorderly at the olive oil store.

He knocked over a display. All right. First of all, I read this one. The Bisbee Review also does an occasional Bisbee police beat, even though they're Sierra Vista. And they included the name. Do you know the name on this one? No.

Who fucked up the olive oil store? They listed it as Danny Tranny, who we know as Tranny Danny. That's great. They actually put that in, not his full name, just Danny Tranny. Tranny Danny, yes. Huge problem, but that's white on white crime. I was looking at the date at the last second when you asked that because I was hoping it wasn't me

because I do not remember what sort of disorderly conduct they... How many of these could have been us in the last six days? I think Chad would just be angry knowing that there's an olive oil store. That's all they sell. Tranny Danny is so greasy, a homeless guy, he might have been trying to sell

like it was a plasma center. Oh. Go ahead, Chad. Extra patrol was requested for porta potties in Old Bisbee. What? You know what?

You never know what you could find. Are there porta-potties in Bisbee? Evidently. Maybe they're building that hotel. Well, they probably was for the 4th of July. Oh, yeah. But they only want certain people shitting in there. So we need extra patrol.

I wonder if Officer Bob Friendly got put on extra shitter patrol. I hope not. Let's bring that up next time he stops by. Let's try to make racial tension out of all of these police beats. It's a whites-only porta-potty. Black shit matters. I don't know. Try to make them...

If we were in Bisbee and there was a black and white porta potty, I would be using the black one all the time because it would be the only one available. And hippie shit. No one wants to follow Cave Maggie into a shitter. Go ahead, Chad. a female left plaza liquor in a red little station wagon with two

children in the back appearing intoxicated oh it was a station wagon i read that i thought it was like a little red wagon like a radio flyer not out of the bounds of possibility. You know, the liquor store down here by the Copper Queen Hospital where people count out pennies to pay for a mini bottle. We focused on different things. I thought that the children were intoxicated. I'm confused.

Go ahead. An older male was lying in the street on Cole Avenue. Police gave him a ride so he could sober up. That had never happened to a black guy. Nope. Police treat them completely different. So they pick up a guy laying around, a white guy,

and they give him a tour of Old Bisbee? Clearly he was white. He was on Cole Avenue. That's Warren. Oh, yeah. We should actually ask the observer to separate Warren stories from Bisbee stories, because we're Warren separatists. Waxits.

Waxits. Go ahead, Chad. 911 was called to keep a Gila monster from being hit by cars as it was crossing the road in front of the police station. Why would you just go in? Why did the Gila monster cross the road? To get away from that guy that was passed out. That guy probably saw the Gila monster as an old Japanese horror movie.

Just at his eye. It's a giant monster. Why are our police sitting on their ass while Gila Monsters are crossing the street? They don't even notice. People have to call them and tell them. We need a mayor that puts in Gila Monster crosswalks. I was going to say, have you ever seen a Gila Monster crosswalk in this town? Nope.

Nope. Not until the next city council. Not until PETA gets involved. And we'll dress up as PETA. I. Not until the next city council. Not until PETA gets involved and we'll dress up as PETA. I don't know what that outfit is. We'll change the saguaro cactus and make it a gila monster. Let's get some green

or orange and black paint. Go ahead, Chad. A bald male was racing up and down the gulch on a four-wheeler. Profiling. Doesn't say what color he was. Like a bald.

Hey, you know what? How about, uh, uh, yeah, that was gonna, I was about to go hackneyed there, but I'm not. Follicly challenged. I almost said that. Hackneyest joke in the fucking world. I didn't say it. Glad I didn't say it out loud into a microphone.

Go ahead, Chad. We make jokes, and Chad's the one risking his lives, his lives, his nine lives. There are probably snipers out here as I speak with AR-15s. Or a woman on... Is that Rupee? Rupee, yeah. Oh, fuck, that's right down here.

Yeah, yeah. I drove up it earlier. That's our cross street. I don't know what it's called. Oh, Jesus. A woman on Rupee Street threw shoes and a box at someone, then left the area. Oh, God.

They got us not a resident. They're just passing through to dump garbage. I assume they're throwing shoes at someone. And then the box. Keep the receipt if you want to return them. I hope I got your size right. There's a gift receipt. Go ahead, Jack. I was about to. Uh-oh. There's a gift receipt.

Go ahead, Chad. I was about to. Uh-oh. Fight's going on. He's going to wrap up. This is the end of the thing. We had a couple more. Two air drums were stolen from a residence in Naco.

I don't know. I know. I missed that the first time, and then I went, wait, air drums. Yeah, no. I know. That's the obvious is air drums, but there has to be, like, pressurized air. What the hell is an air drum?

Let's call in right now. Look, I'm playing one right now. Let's call in and go, hey, I found them. They were by my air guitar. Working on my triplets over here. Three air guitars were stolen. Never mind. A Hereford caller advised he has a handheld radio and heard a woman scream on it in Spanish,

but did not know where it was coming from. The calls are coming from inside the house, says Bingo. You must get out of that Spanish house. It sounds like someone trying to get out of paying for a phone sex charge. It's a handheld radio. I'm assuming it's a walkie-talkie. She was screaming

for help, I'm sure. They'll find her body next week. It's hot out there. Is that it, Chad? I wish it was, Doug. You're pulling a double. An Elfrida caller wanted to talk to someone about slander. I didn't know if that was you or not.

Maybe she already won my Elfrida property. I just haven't talked to my lawyer yet. No news is good news that's uh is that it? no go ahead one more and finally a woman in Hereford has been trying to get her ex-boyfriend out

since December what? shit fucking Kenny and Derek have been trying to get rid What? Shit. Fucking. Kenny and Derek have been trying to get rid of their broads for fucking years. Yeah, that's nothing. Oh, no, they made Guinness Book of World Records. This guy just made the Observer.

Since December, what are you, stupid? You're going to miss all your Christmas presents? Yeah. And your Valentine's Day presents? Now you call the cops. Nothing's coming up soon. Yeah, yeah. That would have been funny if you could see Uncle Bill.

All right, we'll close soft. There's a fight going on. And thanks for listening. If you were here for Fourth of july uh the six days of fourth of july and you have any memories email them to doug at doug stanhope.com or tweet at doug stanhope or chad shank at hd fatty or greg chaley at greg c-h-a-L-L-E. Thanks, everyone else, for being here. And now the fights will continue. And now a song from the Haymarket Squares from their new album, Light It Up.

Play track one. I was moved one Sunday morning by the songs of Sister Tharp to wonder about salvation and when it's gonna start a one, two, a one, two, three Oh, there ain't no heaven got to make one here

Oh, there ain't no heaven, got to make one here. Oh, there ain't no heaven, got to make one here. No father, no son, no heavenly choir, just hearts and hands and our desire. There ain't no heaven, got to make one here. Make our heaven here. Ah, there ain't no justice Got to get some here Ah, there ain't no justice Got to get some here We gotta block the gates

Cut the chains Smash the border Hop the trains There ain't no justice Got to get some here You can have your gospel of suffering and delay My celestial kingdom is gonna start today Thank you. guitar solo You can have your gospel of suffering and delay My celestial kingdom is gonna start today

Now it's time to take a party There ain't no party party Let's have one here Oh, there ain't no party Let's have one here Let's load a bowl, pour some wine Read a book about Palestine There ain't no party Let's have one here

Heaven, heaven, heaven I want you Everybody here Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven's what we make of it right here Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven

Heaven's what we make of it right here Heaven's what we make of it right here Heaven's what we make of it right here