The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #152: Before The Tour Begins

Episode Date: July 18, 2016

Doug sets a few things straight about the upcoming tour and talking shit about his friends.Take a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope. Daily tour updates ahoy!Recorded July 17, 2016 at the Fun House with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Brett Erickson (@BrettNotBrent), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   Closing song, "VodkaSodaBurg", by Birdcloud. Watch it on Youtube here.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, we're recording. This goes out tomorrow. Tomorrow, today, when you're listening to this, Brett Erickson, Christine Levine, and me, the host, will be going out on a two-week on a two-week tour. Yeah, we're going we're going so old school that Brian Hennigan today put in Pocatello, Idaho. No, Idaho Falls.

Idaho Falls. Idaho Falls. Oh. The Pepper Tree, where I still have video of me and Becker in 1992 doing that same gig. It was a Tribble gig. Yeah, we're playing that place too. That's how fucking backwards we're getting on this tour.

Is that the one where you had the truck with the surfboard on it? Yep. Jesus. That must be payback for me talking Hennigan into doing time at Brian Redband's ice house show the other night

where he ate a miserable fucking... He said it was death. I asked him. He ate a dick on stage. It's not his first time. He's eaten shit on stage a lot. The ice house in Pasadena? Yeah. Oh my god.

That's serious. He doesn't tell us anything, but Redband tweeted me saying, did you know Mr. Hennigan, at Mr. Hennigan is Brian Hennigan's Twitter, is doing Time tonight? Yeah. He used to try to do comedy.

We were at the comedy store, and it was Hennigan and myself and Red Band, and Kerry Mitchell was attending bar, and I was going to do Red Band's show, and then I remembered birthday date night with my lovely lady. And I'm like, oh shit, I can't do it. So as soon as I said that to Red Band, Red Band said to Hennigan, you want to do it?

And without even thinking, Hennigan's like, yeah, I'll do it. And then I could see the regret immediately. He watched over his face when he realized what he'd committed to. Well, Chaley did the same thing to me. I was shit-faced here, trying to write material for this new tour. That's why I'm only hosting this tour. I have monster headliners,

Christine Levine and Brett Erickson. We are funny. That's real. Yes, they will be headlining. I'll be hosting. I'll probably go over my time, and you can't give me the light. I've gone over my time. you can't give me the light. Well, that's okay.

Remember, I've gone over my time. Point being, as I'm trying to write, like, what do I have that's close to new material? I said, hey, if I get this ready for Sunday, maybe you guys are coming in today. Maybe we do a show here just to work shit out and I was just drunk talking the same way Brian Hennigan agrees to do something fucking Chaley starts spreading the word around town

hey come Sunday night cause there's gonna be a big show I just I said that could be fun and I also talk about overthrowing the world. But you weren't serious? Yeah, no, I wasn't serious.

And so instead of doing that show, we're doing this podcast to tell you what's coming up. Give us the dates, Chaley, because this is a short podcast explaining the tour. Well, it starts today. Tonight. The listener today. El Paso, Texas.

The 19th in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The 20th, Colorado Springs, Colorado. The 21st, Fort Collins. And the 22nd is Billings, Montana. That's a big run. Fucking. That's a. You say seven and a half hour if we don't stop.

It's a nine hour five. 509 miles door to door for the gig. It's going to be easy. Then we get a day off. Check this day off out from Billings to Bozeman. Big fucking deal. Oh, no, that's great. No, that's where you want a day off.

We get to be there, but we were supposed to get two days. We were supposed to get a day off to make that run from Colorado to Billings. But no big deal. That's where, we'll stay in Livingston. Yeah. We're not going to be able to get the same place, Fred's place.

Sue and, goddammit, I can never remember his name. The drunk lawyer. Drunk lawyer. Maybe, maybe we stay in Livingston. Either way, Bozeman is great. Bozeman on the 24th on the 25th missoula and then you uh you just said uh it was added idaho falls on the 26th so good then the 27th salt lake city at the complex again and then we got a day off and then the 29th is our last scheduled show in flagstaff yeah basically the same run we made with Chad Shank.

Yeah, but you guys aren't stopping in Wyoming for a day off. You're just going straight from Colorado to Montana. That's brutal. But it's the same shit where we had a day off on the way to Flagstaff. Flagstaff was great. Well, I jumped off that tour in Utah, and you guys made the rest of it. Made the best of the rest. Best of the rest.

So, yeah, that's our fucked-up tour as I try to work out. I have a lot of notes to get a new hour, having not played in the United States in a year and a half. I really look forward to hearing the supportive cheers of all of the audience members who, no matter what you say, still don't believe that you're not headlining. That's true. I saw Metallica in 1989 with The Cult.

And The Cult is a good band, and they almost got booed off the stage. Yeah, that's true. Because they were just being The Cult, and they weren't being Metallica. And they were opening. Yes. You're headlining. Well, that's the problem. Both of you are headlining.

That's the problem. You see where we're going with this. I'm sure it'll be fine. No, it'll be fine. What could go wrong? The termites always behave themselves. What could go wrong? The termites always behave themselves. I saw exactly what you're talking about happen in Florida, so I know what you're saying.

They don't ever act crazy. Doug was on the T-shirt of the show he was not performing in. I made it very clear. I was just going for my birthday to see Sean Rouse, Andy Andrist, and Junior Stopka. Three of my favorite comedians. I'm just gonna go there. They put me on their fucking t-shirt.

As an audience member. Maybe we should do that. If we had time, I would do that. That guy I fucked with. I was fucking with this guy. Some guy when I was in a mood. I wish I could remember his Twitter handle, but it doesn't matter.

It's probably better that you don't. Yeah, it's better that. And he goes, hey, I'm catching up on your podcast. Shawcroft is the worst. Oh, and I'm in a mood. And I'm like, you don't fuck with my friends. I found his name I was gonna delete it

I said your ticket's cancelled you're not allowed to come to my show first of all if you're listening dude who's your biggest fan I don't fucking care I just I went off I went too far

but it's Shawcroft. Shawcroft is the most, not feeble. No. Scatterbrain. Not the right word. Kind of scatterbrain. That hurts her. Yeah, she's vulnerable.

Very vulnerable. She's like a little bunny. A little bunny rabbit. Yeah. If that cocksucker doesn't know, that's Hedberg's wife. Right. So, yeah, you fuck with Hedberg's wife. Would you say that to Kelly

Carlin Carlin's daughter no and Carlin Kelly Carlin she's a strong woman you fuck with Lynn Shawcroft she'll go into hiding she'll live in a cave for a year

cause you said one mean thing about her so yes I overreacted. But we have a thin line as well. The cops have the thin blue line. We have a thin multicolored, non-whatever line that also, yeah, everybody sticks together all the time. I love doing these shows with you and when it's not going great and then you come out and then tell everybody to listen to us.

That's my favorite. That's never happened to me. That's happened to me. Did you just happen to Andrus? You just gave a review of tonight's show. I'm a prophet. I know what I'm doing. My goal on this tour should be getting new material, but my internal goal is just having

fun like we used to. Yeah. Fuck it. You know what? If Fort Collins hates us and Missoula never wants us back, we weren't going anyway. I did only bring half a bathing suit, if that's any indication of how this shit's going to happen.

The back half. The back half. The back half. Yeah. If I could have hired a party bus to follow us with Bingo and Tracy and Chad Shank and Jenny and just had a slap shot, The original Paul Newman version where they had a school bus of people mooning. Their supporters. Yes, the supporters.

I hate the fact that Chad Shank's not, because we did this tour called Dinosaur Rides two years ago? Three years ago? Three maybe. Thirteen? Chad Shank. I just want everybody on this tour i want junior stop on this tour i want andy on this tour i just want to fuck off a lot but i i still do have to develop at least 40 minutes in nine dates it's gonna be tough to do tough to do. You can do it!

That's a fan. She'd be on the bus. She'd be the first person mooning that unwaxed 58-year-old clam. How close was I? Very close. How old are you? 53.

I have to be in two years or... Carnival rules. Give her a stuffed animal. I didn't get one. We're super close on unwaxed clam, though. She's got the stuffed animal between her legs. So, uh...

So we leave in the morning. We have to leave early. What time? Nine. Oh, jeez. You can just sleep in the car. We have to leave early. What time? Nine. Oh, geez. You can just sleep in the car if you want. Yeah, sleep. All right. At some point, we were talking, and I said,

well, that long drive from Fort Collins to Billings. I go, well, sorry, we have four people that can drive. And I went, wait, no, three people that can drive. One's a chick. You don't let a chick drive. The chick drove down from Tucson, picked me up in the airport, and she did wonderfully. Thank you.

I was real slow. That said, no more. That's like an hour and a half. That's not Fort Collins to Billings so here's where the problems are going to be as the podcast listeners know

Brian Hennigan if you see a post on Facebook or Twitter that just says the date with a link Billings on the whatever and here's a link. That's Hennigan doing that because I stink at promotion. Hennigan doesn't tell people that I'm hosting this,

so there will be pissed off people. Perfect. Man. I can't wait. Three or four, but the podcast listeners count because they listen and you know what shout those three or four motherfuckers down if anyone fucking yells stanhope at levine or erick, you will be fucking tossed so fucking quickly. That's why I want Chad Chang.

I'm going to sleep in the truck. I'm going to go with you. Wait, why can't he come? Because you're fat. Am I taking up two spaces again? Yes, you are taking up. That's why bingo's not coming. Oh, man, but I could just slip her inside me.

She's so tiny. I just fold her up in a little box. Her prison pouch. Wait, where is she? I was wondering where she is right now. Do you have her? I got her inside. I got her.

She's under my titties, you guys. Hold on. This is the first time we've done a tour like this. Because when we do shit town tours, actually when we do any tours, I'm cheap as fuck and I book you guys that I know are good with cheap as fuck. And we double up in hotels. I know you'd rather have the hotel money than a private hotel. And so would we.

We fall asleep shit facedfaced we don't care where i i would i would cuddle up with chaley if i had to share a bed and i'd make you two cuddle up christine levine snores so loudly that as i haphazardly packed my bags today, one thing I focused on was extra earplugs in case at some point someone has to sleep in your room. In case I get some road pussy, I get lucky. Here, buddy. No, you don't need a condom. She's sterile, but you will need the earplugs.

I have lots of earplugs for you oh fantastic but you know what i i thought about you know maybe going on a little diet before this tour and making it so i didn't snore so much because it's really just because i'm so fat but um then i was like no i want my own room fuck you guys, and we want you to have your own room. Yeah, so I think we're all fine. We are willing to pay for you to, the whole fucking tour. And you know what? And you've got to pay for my food

because I'm broke, so this is great. We're playing the pepper tree. We're playing the pepper tree. You know I pick up every fucking tab. I know you do, babe. Thank you so much. Johnny Depp is the only guy, not only do I let pick up the tab, I go, I'm not.

You just look at it. Look at him and look at it. Yes. I play down in my friendships. I pick up the tab. You do. That's true. Are you driving?

Yes, we're driving the entire thing yeah no we're flying that you know you know that short hop from fort collins to colorado springs flying out of the el paso airport to the albuquerque airport via phoenix dallas minneapolis and uh so there there will be people that are Phoenix, Dallas, Minneapolis. So there will be people that are going to be pissed off, and I'm trying to acclimate myself. It's like if I do my job, they will be pissed off at me instead of being pissed off that it isn't you. That's a whole different level of pissed off. Fuck them.

Do it right. I'm trying to think of fun things that we can do together at the end of the show, and we'll talk about that off the air. Just to do some goofy shit. I want to make this complete chaos. Remember when we did... Amsterdam? In Amsterdam, we did...

I knew it. We did naked goose stepping behind Andy in the home of Anne Frank. Oh, God, that was so good. Before we remembered that, oh, yeah, you're not supposed to... No, no, no. I remember around the time I stopped Googling myself because I hated that tour. You remember the mood I was in for that tour. It was a music festival where they had a comedy tent.

Huge, huge. And there was like 1,500 people in the tent. I don't know why I was already in a fucking awful mood. I think I was running for president at the time, which I'm like, this stinks. I don't know how to get out of this. It really queered me. But we did that, and I saw a comment on Google. The most disappointing part of that was the unbookables, I think we called ourselves back then. They went out naked, and that's something shocking.

Which is, in Holland, in the Netherlands, no one gives a fuck if you're naked. We thought we're all outrageous. Oh, we're going to walk out naked and drunk. Well, that's what Americans do there. We should have been shooting off guns. We knew! Exactly.

Yes. I thought it was just funny, because we weren't just walking out naked. We did our little Benny Hill thing where you guys were running and then I was chasing you guys and then we were all bumping. The fat was like what it was that got them because you guys naked, no big deal, but me naked? Oh, God damn it.

The only reason it really happened is that Andy Andrus was dying a slow brutal death on stage and something needed to happen. Remember when he finally notices us, that the crowd's talking about or whatever, and he looks back and he's like, you guys, and he takes off his shirt just out of spite, just like, fuck.

That was cute. Poor baby. So, yeah. On this tour, you might not have fun, but we will. Have you ever considered driving a semi-truck for a living? Then rev up your engines and come on down to Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School. There are companies out there right now that have 10 to 15 rigs sitting every day because they don't have drivers. You can finish our course in five weeks.

Enroll in a full-time in a 200-hour course or an 80-hour refresher course. The Workforce Investment Act funding is available for direct student loans for qualified applicants and major credit cards are accepted. Don't forget the Ohio Valley Driver Training School. Our facility has a 4.5 acre training lot and a 72 passenger bus. So call today. Ohio Valley Truck Driver Training School, 1341 Highland Avenue, Williamstown west virginia right here in williamstown call us at 304-375-4140 that's 304-375-4140 your future is just 18 wheels away tell them the doug stanhope podcast sent you. Hey, this is Doug Stanhope.

And for those of you who ask me when I occasionally check my internet, can I get a signed copy of the book? Yes, you can. If you already have the book, wait till I go on tour. But if you want a signed copy right now, go to DougStanhope.com, go to the merch page, and Chaley has them, or go to whatever page Chaley has them on, because he makes this podcast work. And he's selling the things, and I sign them all day when I'm trying to watch hockey. when I'm trying to watch hockey. Why do I watch hockey?

Because I hate basketball, but I also watch basketball. I'm trying to do whatever I can do to not work. I'll be working soon, but that's against my will. So go to DougStanhope.com and order a book that I have to sit here and sign when I was otherwise trying to watch a sporting event that I don't like while I'm drinking. Thank you. Hi, I'm a nine-year-old girl, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast.

I got some notes, and they don't matter. Some thank yous before I forget. Tyler Fries. Tyler Fries sent me a Pokemon card. I don't even know what it means. I don't want to know what this whole fucking Pokemon thing means. Right. But he just graduated law school, and he goes,

hey, you have a new killer termite to do pro bono law from your sister city in Butte, Montana. They're the Copper King. We're Copper Queen. So it is our sister city in Butte, Montana. So you might come into play earlier than you thought. He sent a picture of him in his graduation cap. We're going to graduate you even more, Tyler Fries. If these guys try to make you do a podcast with a meth head in Montana, run away,

because I've already been down that road. Yeah, I already didn't mention his name. I wasn't either. And someone sent me some Monty Python books, and I don't have your fucking name. This is the next thing to read. Oh. Thank you, guy who sent me Monty Python books.

Thank you. What's his name? Chris Johnson is his Twitter name Bird Cloud Bird Cloud they sent me a link I almost never click on links you love this song for your podcast

and it's something so obvious but I clicked on this and Bird Cloud they do this fucking goofy shit I imagined it if Bingo bingo and whiskey girl were drunk playing shit with a ukulele and guitar shit faced with no one looking it was so good vodka soda berg bird cloud vodka soda berg that. Vodka Soda Berg is the name. We'll close on it.

We'll close on it. Oh, yeah. But look at the video. It's so fucking great. And I retweeted it. Hey, someone, thank you for sending me this, whoever sent me this. And they're like, hey, can we come play here? Here at the Funhouse.

Oh, yeah? I will set up the Funhouse Comedy Music Farts Festival. F in parentheses, arts. Oh, yeah. Just to do that. I just have to know what I'm doing with the rest of my year. But absolutely. Bird Cloud, look them up.

YouTube. Fucking absolutely. This is... Dear Doug, I'm aware that hard times are... What is this? The shirt you're wearing. You couldn't find the shirt. This guy sent us a bunch of shit from the UK

from a charity shop. That's what they call a thrift store, a charity shop. And this thing smells like jasmine or perfume. I don't know. I don't know what jasmine smells like. But you didn't have a shirt to go to the game today, and then you went rummaging through the charity box. Because it was green, yeah.

I had a shirt on, and I wore that shirt to the Bisbee Killer Termites game. So thank you Sean from Belfast UK Northern Ireland I thought Northern Ireland was part of the United Kingdom

I don't get it I don't even care Then there's that whole breakfast thing that I don't understand so I don't get it either I don't even care well then then there's that whole breakfast thing that I don't understand so I don't know alright so that's it don't forget

we're gonna have merch on the road we will have merch what is it well books we have oh we have

18 months worth of bibles. I know what happens when we're on the road. People bring us Bibles, too. So I'm banking on some of that because we have limited room in the vehicle. But I'm bringing some books for you to sign. Oh, way to take a shot at Christine again. No, that was, no.

It's a suburban. Uncalled for, dude. Uncalled for. Totally uncool. We've got Doug's book, Digging Up Mother. We've got Bibles. We've got new Kilotermite patches, some new Kilotermite shirts,

some stickers, some CDs and DVDs, but not much because people really don't buy that stuff on the road. I brought some T-shirts. I'm sorry, that's not part of the deal. Oh. I think that... I'm pretty sure if you're not headlining,

you have to ask the headliner if it's okay if you sell merch. Wait, I thought I was going to say that. Don't you have to? I mean, that's common protocol in comedy to ask the headliners if that's even okay. I'm not even a comic and that makes sense. See? So maybe there will be merch. Headliner or the guy paying you.

I'm sorry, how does this work? Well, see, now this is a weird gray area. We haven't talked about it. They don't even know what they're getting paid. Yeah, we agreed to this. I didn't even know there was pay. Hennegan said, what are you paying him? I go, I haven't thought about that.

I guess we're on a probation period. We're going to pay him more than triple gigs. Hope you sell a lot of merch. In the parking lot. Like I said, a lot of merch. In the parking lot. Like I said, there will be merch. Lots of merch and we will sign every fucking thing like

OJ in his early days. We'll sign every fucking thing just to say, hey, sorry, I wasn't headlining. Oh, and we should have posters in Albuquerque. What's the name of this tour? There Will Be Merch.

There Will Be Merch. Maybe I can get them to change the posters. I can't. The futility of comedy was one of my ideas. Well, you okayed the poster that says Doug Stanhope's Summer Vacation. Oh, all right, good. That's it.

Doug Stanhope's Summer Vacation. Starring... Brett Erickson. That's better. Now I'm on board. Wait for it. Hey, listen. This is our golden vacation

you old fucks 50 years into life this one's for fun I hope you enjoy it with us Christine Levine is at Christine with a K Levine at Brett Erickson is

at Brett not Brent at Brett Erickson is at Brett, not Brent. Yeah. At Brett, not Brent. Terrible. At HD fatty. Greg Chaley is at Greg Chaley. C H a I L L E.

And we'll see you on the road. We're going to pump out a bunch of fucking podcasts that have not been aired after this, so stay tuned. Periscope. Periscope. We're going to periscope a lot. We're going to do a lot of weird shit. Give them your periscope. That's the one to get in on. I don't know it. Tell me it. It's at Doug Stanhope.

That's a little on the nose, don't you think? You could be a little more creative. Too obvious. Why is he more creative with that? I don't know. We had a lot of meetings. Like Doug not Dick. See?

Doug not Dick. Perfect. Yeah. Why not? Doug not Dick. All right, yes. Sign up for that Periscope at Doug Stanhope, and we'll be doing a lot of shit against my will.

Thank you, everyone who's coming out, and don't warn your friends. Say he's like Sandy Hackett or Jay Leno. Come out to the pepper tree. This is so fucking good. The Idaho Falls gig is so good. I can't wait. Because we have

footage of me and Becker in the early days with my dog Parvo at the time that only lasted a few weeks. He didn't even make the book. He died of distemper. He didn't even make the book. He almost died of...

They said, oh, he's probably got Parvo. And then he lived. I told Mikey Grites to go shoot him in the desert because I didn't have money. And I can't shoot a dog. But he's dying of Parvo. And then he survived.

And then a month or two later, he starts. Survived the shooting? No, no. Mikey Grites, he fancied himself a shaman and did some incantations and the next morning he's fine two months later well yeah it comes back chewing gum convulsions they call them open mouth sounds and i, all right, I'll kill this fucking thing myself. And yeah, Parvo died of distemper. Let's all just imagine a beautiful, beautiful small puppy that we have footage of dancing at the pepper tree in 1991.

Oh, that is so fucked up. Hey, we're going to close on fucked up. That's how we do. That's such a great drop. Alright, so we're going to go memorialize a dead puppy at the pepper tree in Idaho Falls. If you're anywhere near Idaho Falls, like

Blackfoot or Pocatello or even Twin Falls, you can make the trip. Alright, here's Bird Cloud with Vodka Soda Berg. Can I sit in, boss? All right, ready? Uh-huh. Tastes like pancake.

Five, six, seven, eight. 5, 6, 7, 8 Well I was sober as a duck Walking around Williamsburg You know they ought to rename this place Vodka Soda Bird Cause I've been drinking with they homos And they say that they ain't homos but they look like one to me. I got twenty-five bucks to blow and my dress over.

Yeah, that's five drinks, five, five, five and don't leave until. Yeah, that's five drinks, five, five, five, and don't leave a tip. Yeah, that's ice and that's vodka and that's soda, no lime. Don't put no bullshit, it's all I want to do. Just now starting to get right and vodka's so to burn. Starting to get it right And vodka's so to burn Well, my brain is feeling sparkly Wow Oh, that's so, that's so appropriate

Alcohol Everything is this to me now Well, I met a local man Everything is bent on me now Well I met a local man in Buckeye Stony Bird He had my self described humbler's romantic Him gonna buy me another drink cause him retarded Then go back to her fuckin' pad On him butch list And I went home with some mulatto

Oh yeah, he had some mighty cold snow And that's why they wrote a song about me Oh yeah, I was looking to be alive I threw up and moseyed on back to vodka soda burn All the bartenders are all hate my fucking guns I'm just trying to get my time to shine All the girls turning into bitches Spending $300 on a dress

Just trying to get fucked And this is where I get off Oh yeah, I'm probably never gonna stop And I can't, I said I'm never gonna stop. No way, I said I'm never gonna stop, stop. I was a sad sack of shit walking around Williamsburg. Just like all the residents that live in Williamsburg I said, trying to take a little trip to Vibe, cause Bonaparte

Could I please be anywhere else in the world except for here? That was perfect. That was a good take.