The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #153: Doug & Chad Chat Up The Ladies

Episode Date: July 24, 2016

Doug reunites with some friends from West Hollywood, Patty and Sarah Hylander. Chad Dined & Dashed by accident and Sarah gets a newer name.Take a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope. Daily tour updates ahoy!Recorded June 08, 2016 at the Fun House with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Patty "Patch" Waits, Sarah Hylander (@SarahHylander) and Chad Shank(@HDFatty). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille).LINKS:   Anthony Clark- http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0163659/   Adderall Jack song Parody winner is Barak Shpiez. Music by Prince, Lyrics by Barak Shpiez.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Do we open with Adderall Jack? No, no. Now we'll close with it. Few people have sent us, sorry, it's not a competition, but a few people sent us Adderall Jack song parodies to Billy Jack Bitch by Prince.

So, yeah, you can find it at the end. We'll announce the winner of this non-competition. We had to pick one. Thank you for sending shit. I am here with Chad Shank, who doesn't want to be here, who's fighting every instinct of rage to get through this. P. Waits, a.k.a. Patty, a.k.a. Patricia,

you're Patty in the book. I'm Patty in the book, yeah. But Patricia or Patch. Patch? I've been calling you Patty the entire time I've been here. Doug? Yeah. She asked me, do I go by Patricia now?

I go, I don't know. I call her P-Weights or Patty or Patricia. I never call you Patricia. I think at one point you were just like, how many fucking monikers do you have? My coworkers and my my customers call me patch but all right that's patch i like patch i like patch yeah i want one it's got a little moxie well you're fucked sarah highland sarah highland who's in the book for only a minute

second uh well i didn't want the book to go in that direction. That's the next book. I'm with you. But you're fucked because you're Sarah Hyland, H-Y-L-A-N-D, and there's evidently some fucking famous chick. Yeah. Named Sarah Hyland. Yeah. It's the same.

Well, the best thing that ever came from that, though, but I will say is that for some, however reason it happened, but she tweeted about crust whitening strips. Ha ha. came from that though, but I will say, is that for some, however reason it happened, but I, she tweeted about, um, crust whitening strips. Ha ha. Guess you got crust whitening strips in the mail.

In a whole package. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Don't say there aren't perks and I took them. I absolutely took them. Who's fucked now? Ha ha ha. That's right.

By the way, there's bennies. There's bennies. Yeah. By the way, you can use those to bleach your asshole. Just hashtag life hack.

How many do you have? I know. You should see my asshole hair. Blonde as that Nordic baby. There's a Swedish hole back there. Just a big Swedish hole. Couldn't get to the actual hole. Such a tuft of fur back there.

Just highlights. You just highlighted your ass hair. No big deal. I don't want to go all the way because it's fake. First of all, how do... You know what I mean? You want to remain natural. Do you know what I mean?

Just kind of like a surfer blonde. That's what I say when I go back there. Just like the tips. And then I get some low lights put in there for the winter. Do you know what I mean? So it's not suspect. Do you know what I'm saying? I don't know.

You have to think about these things. Really? Yeah. Well. We were just talking about trying to take a selfie of my ass. And I couldn't. I don't know if we want to bring this up again. Try to take a selfie of my ass.

We've talked about this or not? A little bit. Oh, all right. How can you not take a selfie of my ass. We've talked about this or not? A little bit. Oh, all right. How can you not take a selfie with your ass? Of your own ass? Sure. Because you can't. Yeah, you can.

Because Doug doesn't do yoga. Or own a selfie stick. Yeah. All right. All right. I was actually going to go probably step by step of how you probably could do that. Probably. Yeah. Man. that. Probably.

What's your Instagram account? So what is your... That was my point. We just did another director's cut commentary from the book with Patty, Chad, and Sarah. But my question was, because

you're fucked on Google, because who is Sarah Hyland, this other douchebag? Fuck her. Her parents are thrilled. I hope that they're listening. They do. They listen all the time. They're probably the biggest fans, right? Is Sarah Hyland's mom and dad?

The Hylands. They're our next guest. Two followers. Chaz Is Sarah Hyland's mom and dad? The Hylands. They're our next guest. Two followers. Chaz and Brittany Hyland. Yes. I just read that off of Google. Who's Chaz? I'm lying. I was like, there's more?

Brittany. Yes, that's a parent. My grandma Brittany. What? There's no Brittany. Said nobody ever. Except a two-year-old, maybe. Yeah, I was going to say, we're fucking old enough. We're getting there. So where do people find you?

Because you're a brilliant, really, really, really, you're a wonderful talent. Can I get that quote? If you can spell it. That's Sarah Hyland. Oh, yeah, yeah. She has big eyes. We don't look a thing alike. Yeah, actually.

Who watches fucking network TV unless it's football? Literally. You told me the story about how you, for some reason it was on TV, and you saw the name Sarah Hyland come up, and you went, oh, fuck. She's doing so well. And you said, I sat through an entire interminable fucking episode of that shitbox show.

So does my whole family. And I never saw her once. Yeah. And I was so mad. Very mad. I was like, oh, no, no, that's the Bruna. Wait, was that the Chevy Chase show? No. I don't know. A couple times I tried to watch network sitcoms just to see what people are talking about and failed to get through any of them except for that one evidently

so like where's waldo hunt for your friend yeah you know it's like chad and i always watch documentaries on netflix and if it's slow moving, you just go, fuck it. I'm just going to Wikipedia this story. Just find out what happens quicker. Oh, okay. And they killed him at the end.

All right, good. That's what I did with that episode. Like, where's the real Sarah Highland? Sorry. There you are. Yep. Well,

I still like even, but it's interesting, like even on my webpage, I clearly have a giant picture of my face. And we clearly do not look alike at all. But I'll still get emails from kids asking Sarah Hyland to prom for Modern Family. Oh, you should go. I should go to prom.

You totally should do that. You have no idea. I could pull it up right now and show you. I started collecting them. I believe you. Of like how many people have asked me to prom and for tit pics. I'm like, you're going to be sorely disappointed first of all you get you get the worst tits in the world from the internet yeah and send those tit pics like 18 babies national geographic

have sticks in the nipples as piercings you're like that's not what we were going for. Just people hanging out. You should definitely go to a prom. You should totally do that. That's not me. Because the kid's going to rave to all of his friends. Sarah Hyland from Modern Family is going with me to prom.

And then you show up and you're like, here's my driver's license. Hang on, hang on. And then you show up and you're like, here's my driver's license. Hang on, hang on. You have Chad Shank in a security, L.A. security. What's the black guys of comedy? The double-breasted. The blazer. The original kings of comedy, but not yellow.

Just come as your security. And he can periscope it or film it or whatever. Hidden camera it. Yeah. I'd do it. That'd be brilliant. Yeah. I'd beat up that kid.

I would totally do it. But then what would they do if they saw me? They'd be like, fuck, who are you? You're fucking... You're on Sarah Hyland. You're like, this is my aunt's friend. Who are you? Why would you do this? Why are you fucking old? Do you know what I mean? That's what they would do.

Because it's funny and it'll get press. It'll totally get press. Really? Yeah. We're going to prom. You could have brushed your hair. All right! That was a callback? Yeah, it's a callback. Nobody knows what you're talking about.

It's a callback to the audiobook it's a callback. Nobody knows what you're talking about. Nobody will get it, yeah. It's a callback to the audio book they'll have to purchase to understand. Good work, Chad. Always be marketing. Looking out. Audible.com. My hair just made you money, so I get a cut. That's all I'm going to fucking say. All right?

A cut. A haircut. A cut and a style, maybe. God damn it. It is much better than it used to be. Remember, I used to have a dreadlock that I would tuck into the fur cones of a fucking cone gelato. Which is why you can't really hate on Martine for saying that. Callback.

That was some real shit. Where you can purchase his book online. Did you see what I just did there? I just promoted you. That's probably another 15%. Probably, if you were the real Sarah Hyland. I got fucked on this prom. That would be fucking hilarious.

I'll wash my hair if anybody's in. I used to wash just the front parts like that in the Arco gas station. Like that. And I would just swoop them down right here. And I would just keep my face parallel to yours so you wouldn't see the big dreadlock in the back of my head. I thought that would just work. I would just swivel with you. Oh, honey, we always saw it.

It was thick. It was thick. I never saw it moving on jeez Doug so if you want to do that like we'll do that

I'm in alright this is a plan this is a serious plan I dig it fuck prom season's over yeah I was about to say we have to wait a year

so are you not gonna put this out for a year cause it's can't you do a 4th of July parade you can't do something I'm sure I'll scroll through I'm sure somebody this out for a year? Can't you do a 4th of July parade? You can do something. I'll scroll through.

I'm sure somebody's asked for a date. Come on. I can do something. We'll figure it out tomorrow. We've got another day. For the listener, we have not seen Sarah Hyland in 14 years. 13 or 14 years at least. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. You haven't aged a day. in 14 years. 13 or 14 years, at least. You haven't aged a day.

You never view. That's what's messed up. I've seen people that I haven't seen for 14 years and they have aged a day. They have aged a few days. Doug. Doug. But you. Fantastic. Fantastic human.

But you guys have seen each other over that amount of time. Yeah, yeah. You and Doug and Patricia. Yeah. Yeah, we've kept in touch. We had a couple fallings out. Yeah, we had a couple years where we didn't speak. Yeah.

We get over that. One was a virus and one was a death. But we worked it out. We worked it out. I thank you every time. Well, I know. It's weird just talking about it. Do you remember the comic?

I don't know if you wanted to bring this up. Sure. It reminds me of somebody. Anthony Clark. Do you remember Anthony Clark? I remember Anthony Clark. I remember him partying with Anthony Clark at Zany's. At Zany's.

I still have some of those pictures. Fucking hell. Here? I'll send them. I still have some of those pictures. Fucking hell. Here? I'll send them to you. No, no. There's documentation. I mean, seriously. There was a period, I don't know how many years ago, it's all a blur, but what happened

to Anthony Clark? He had a sitcom. Yeah. He was always at the improv and he just disappeared. And when she brought it up on the way down, I don't know if that's still a thing because I remember Googling trying to find if he had social media. I don't know if it was MySpace days

but I couldn't find shit. We should have Googled him before we brought this up. Well, I didn't know he was... He probably has a fucking show. No! He's probably on network TV and I don't know it. What's a... On a show with Sarah Hyland.

Nina McKinnon. The one that does comb her hair. You guys? Come on, my hair's not that bad, man. No, it's good. When I say Google it, I'm talking to Tracy and people that are not on the podcast. You two have been on your fucking phone since you sat down together. I didn't know that this was going to be a topic.

I'm fucking searching right now. No, you don't have to search. You're a guest. What's his name? Does fucking Howard Stern go, hey, whatever happened to that guy? Hang on, let me Google it. That's probably why he doesn't have chicks either. That was a callback to other podcasts.

There was more. Stanhope doesn't usually like to have chicks on his podcasts, but this is an exception. It's pretty funny. It's other podcasts. Also, for everybody who's listening, these chicks are really hot, and Stanhope's really ugly, so this all might be a lie.

If they weren't corroborating the story, I might not believe it. This is an elaborate prank on you. No, I'm saying where is he now? He was the lead on a show called Yes, Dear. He was a fantastic... Oh, Yes, Dear? Yeah. No, I don't know what the fuck that is.

And Boston Common. Boston Common. We, yes, dear? Yeah. No, I don't know what the fuck that is. And Boston Common. Boston Common. We didn't watch any of these. The point was, he was a known comic, was always drunk at the improv. Yeah, did you remember that? Fantastic, just buoyant, happy, drunk. Oh, this isn't good. Pied piper of...

The first Facebook reference I found searching Anthony Clark actor was from The Golden Age of Hollywood. Classic movies. Oh, good. Happy birthday, Anthony Clark. Also, 2006, last comic standing. People can Google for themselves. Jesus. That's what they want.

All right. I'm saying, where is he now? 2011, last century. All right. No one knows. Hey. Anthony Clark. Party of two.

Sorry. I fucked up. But if you know the Hedberg reference. What about the Anthony Clark party? Dufresne, search party of two. All right, killer termites, while you're bored, find Anthony Clark. Tell him to come back and drink with us at the fun house.

Anthony was a blast. He was a blast. That's the only reason, because we were talking about Zany's, you know, those times, and like, do you remember, who was it? Oh, let me, because this is a necessary lead-in. Patty and Sarah, I met at the Chicago Zany's legendary club, one of the oldest clubs outside L.A. and New York.

And you were both waitresses there when we met. 1997? 98. It was 98, yeah. In 2000, we celebrated New Year's Eve. That's when Louis Black came in. Do you remember that shit? Were you in love with him, too?

No! Alright, stop it. We're not talking about that. We're not talking about that. We're going to cut that. Too much? Too soon? Not enough?

We're going to cut that out. Okay. We'll cut it out. Awkwardly. All right. That's what you were saying? No, all I was saying is because we celebrated. It was Y2K. Remember that? Year 2000. And Louis Black performed. alright but so you were saying no all I was saying is because we celebrated it was

the Y2K remember that year 2000 and Louis Black performed there was like 15 people who showed up to that to the club

Martine spent like 10,000 bucks on like champagne and like party favors and the glasses there were the zany's

like the monogrammed glasses he spent so much money with the 2000 on it and everyone had that Y2K freak out and everyone was like at home with their bottled water and their fucking NASA

fucking ice cream and shit we were nobody would go on the street people's skin was going to burn off at fucking midnight seriously we were sitting in the old town ale house the night before and I was like, I'm going to throw a dart at a map and

fuck it, I'm going there and hunkering down. So yeah, there were like 15 people there. It was so pathetic. I didn't have to work. Martine sent my ass home because there wasn't enough to do. So I went home. So then I went, of course, being who I was,

I went and catered another fucking, put a bow tie on and went and catered a party so I could make more money. This is exactly, Chad, what it's like sitting with waitresses after a show that you're trying to fuck is you have to listen to them just go ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. You go, oh, that sounds really funny.

And then what happened? Now imagine you're not going to get fucked at the end of it. And then what happened? When can you're not going to get fucked at the end of it. And then what happened? When can I stick it in? When? And then I had a four-top that screwed me on it. It was a $60 tab, and they only left me $6.

I remember that table. I left a lady complaining about me the other night whenever I did a dine-and-dash at Texas Roadhouse. I haven't done that in like 15, no, probably 20 years. We haven't talked about this? Oh, go, go. What? You did a fucking dine-and-dash.

It was an accident. I didn't plan on it, but I was. You left here. I did, yeah. It was after baseball. I didn't plan on it, but I was... You left here. I did, yeah. It was after baseball. I had a fucking break with reality later that evening, bad. And I happened to be driving.

And I started trying to run people off the road and I was trying to provoke people, I guess. I don't know what I was doing. I want to try to come up with a rational reason why I was behaving irrationally, and I can't. So, after probably about

three near misses of accidents and driving on the wrong side of the road and just fucking horrible, then Jenny was with me, and she convinced me that she wanted to go eat at Texas Roadhouse just to get off the road. So we pulled into there and I continued to be just a fucking complete

lunatic. I ordered an appetizer and the lady told me she didn't have it and I went off the fucking rails. The only reason I was there was to eat. I don't even remember what it was. And it was a fucking... I don't think she took me seriously.

Sarah doesn't know you. Doesn't listen to the podcast. Just met you. But she does work with psych patients. So I think you're probably caught up. We're good. Sarah probably knew I was... Sarah knew I was sketchy when I came in this evening.

I'm still not... I'm still not better, but I'm good enough to be here. Actually, I met you. You don't remember this, but I met you in L.A. when you were there at the comedy store for the podcast. I remember slightly. I was sitting next to the yoga instructor. On the

drive down, you kept referring to this podcast that I don't remember. You did two of them. You did two podcasts. We've talked about them. Which ones? The Comedy Store. Yeah.

With Eleanor and Ingram, Rick Ingram, in the basement of the Comedy Store. Oh, in the basement. Fuck yeah. All right, all right. It's coming out soon. It'll be a swap cast. Sorry.

Really? I remember the basement. I didn't... I always... All right. Go. I was thinking belly room, where they do the fucking red band.

Yeah. The fucking... I forget what they... Yeah. No, we were in the supposedly haunted basement. I remember somebody telling me that it was... All right. Haunted.

Sorry, when you were saying podcast, they always do the live podcasts. And I was like, wow, I was fucked up. I did a live podcast. No, I remember the basement. The basement. Yeah. I remember enough to think that those would probably never be released. Everybody talking over each other and no topic whatsoever.

It was horrible. I have no idea. I was just happy to be there. Anyway. Anyway, my anticlimactic story is that I fucking demanded to talk to a manager about them not having rattlesnake bites at Texas Roadhouse. Rattlesnake Bites at Texas Roadhouse. And we had already ordered drinks,

so I drank. I was like, if that manager doesn't get here before I finish my drink, I'm leaving. And then I finished my wife's drink, and then I finished my drink, and I still didn't have a manager, and I left. That was the first time I did a Dining Dash in fucking 20 years. Now, you leave here.

We often talk about it. The more fun we have, the more ashamed you feel in the morning. Like, you must... I must have been a dick. I was drunk, and we seemed to be having fun. But you wake up thinking, oh, I must have been a dick.

I might have gone too far do you feel more like a dick after leaving here having the best time of your life or more of a dick berating some Sierra Vista fucking Chili's manager about fucking

jalapeno poppers probably here fucking jalapeno poppers. Probably here. But I'm still in the throes of that fucking particular bad episode. So that's been like three days. So I haven't had time to reflect on it yet.

That's the story. It was retarded. I could have made it funnier. Well, they didn't have the fucking rattlesnake bites. Well, sometimes that's the only reason you go to Texas Roadhouse. Yeah, it's not the Idaho Roadhouse. If you went to the Idaho Roadhouse and they didn't have potato skins,

you'd be fucking pissed off, right? Just saying. I'm with you, Chad. I'm with you, man. I'm trying to think of some sort of logical reason why I did this so I could make up a backstory. Like, I was trying to get free drinks, and then the manager didn't come, so I got mad, but there was no logic. I was, literally, I was trying to run people off the road.

I did run people off the road, trying to provoke people to, I'll fucking kill you, just driving right at people. It was a bad fucking episode. Luckily, I'm a fat bastard, and I can be talked down with Texas Roadhouse. So it works out. Sometimes you got to know your patience. Until there's no snake bites.

And then... Went south, but it was better than murdering anybody. Dining dash is a funny way to end the night instead of killing somebody. Dining dash is a funny way to end the night instead of killing somebody. The great thing is we have such a great history recorded that if you're ever that guy, we don't have to say, oh, you always seem like... No, you just go, listen, how did we not see this coming? Yeah, because you don't listen to the podcast.

Maybe if you listen to the Doug Stano podcast, you'll see these troubles on their way. I'd like to think that I would be posthumously commended for walking the edge for so long. That guy should have snapped a long time ago. Kudos to that guy. We'll see. It's like when I got my

DUI. Oh, fuck yeah. Where'd you get your DUI? I didn't hear what that story. I thought, Chaley, I had this so an epiphany because Sarah and Patty came in a day apart. So it's a four-hour drive, each round trip to pick them both up and then drop them both off. So it's every day, four-hour drive. And I said, oh, Patty can just take the Mazda, and then I'll bring someone up when I drop Sarah off the next day and we'll drive both cars back.

And I forgot. I've got a restriction on my license. I can't. Yeah, she can't drive a car that doesn't have a – A booze kazoo I think is what – I think you coined that phrase. I did coin that phrase and I want to put it on record. That is my – and I'm very coined that phrase. And I did coin that phrase, and I want to put it on record. That is my, and I'm very proud of it.

Because you blow into it, and it's like you expect it to go like. Like I want to like. What was the song we were doing last night? Oh. I would love to blow that into it and have it come and I think that would actually be a lot more fun if the breathalyzer was also a kazoo

it's just another little I might try and jerry-rig my breathalyzer first of all the killer termites I know you're good at this shit urban dictionary booze kazoo and credit Patricia Nelson, Booze Kazoo. Booze Kazoo. And credit? Patricia Nelson.

Yes. Booze Kazoo. I don't think, you Googled it. It's not out there. Every time you say, I got to fucking blow into this Booze Kazoo, I laugh every fucking time. I know. It's a good phrase. Yeah.

The first time it came out of my mouth, I went, that's golden. I'm going to keep that. I'm going to use that all the time. Yeah. So, yeah, so I have a restriction on my license, so I can't. That means someone weird is going to be driving you to the airport tomorrow because I can't do this every fucking day. It's Derek or Kenny for mayor,

and now it's Derek or Kenny for a ride to the airport. I'd go Derek. Derek just says a lot of weird shit, but Kenny overcompensates for weird silence with, and I was playing golf. Oh, no, yeah, I can't. I can't abide that. Derek will just go,

you know what the stars are like? I stare at the stars. What he's saying is Derek is easier to ignore. And so I can just go, yeah, that's a good point. I'm going to check my Instagram now. I don't have Instagram. That's good. that's good that's good you keep your eyes on the road

I'm gonna check mine that's Kenny's nose laugh I can't do it loud because I'd blow snot but he nose laughs at his own non-jokes I wish they were here so you could pick who's driving you to the airport tomorrow.

Oh, that would be great. We could play a game. Get them here. Someone call them. We can take a break. Hey, we'll be right back with Kenny and Derek or not. Kenny and Derek or $110 Uber. Kenny, Derek, or $110 Uber.

You decide. Oh, but that's a wild card. You can get the driver that wants to chat because he had to drive all the way down here an hour and 45 minutes, about two hours from Tucson General. Anyway, let's take a break. Yeah.

Look at me. I'm not in charge of this fucking thing. I'm not driving this. You're in charge of everything. I'm not in charge of this fucking thing. I'm not driving this. You're in charge of everything. I'm barely fucking here. Yeah, do it. This is Chad Shane. And when I'm at Stanhope, I drink plastic jug vodka.

Because there ain't no other option. Plastic jug vodka. What's your favorite brand? Tweet me at at Doug Stanhope or tweet Chad Shank at at HD Fatty. I do it. That's HD Fatty. Hyman Doberman Fatty with a Y. Hyman Doberman?

I don't know. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. Mm-hmm. All right, we've got to get back to the fucking DUI. I thought it was going to be on mic, but I don't know if it picked up. Are the minutes rolling? Yeah.

Yeah, all right. Then we're back. Light, solid. Minutes are rolling. All right. Bingo's doing due diligence trying to get Kenny and Derek on the same page, so fuck it. Let's get back to this booze kazoo story.

So you get a DUI. Explain your DUI. Okay, so the DUI was... Now, I've been a bartender for 22 years and a drinker since before that. I can't count the number of times. And I'm not... Looking back, I'm not proud of it. It was really reckless and unsafe. But when you live in a booze culture,

you kind of get desensitized to the repercussions of your actions. And I was lucky that nothing worse happened. But when I got my DUI, I was meeting my boyfriend and his aunt and uncle at a bar two blocks from his house.

I had a drink before I left my house because I was kind of nervous. I'm meeting family for the first time. Food shakes? Gotta get them away? Food shakes. You're still shaking my hand and it's already past appetizers so you know we were just meeting at a bar for drinks and uh and so we i have a drink and then we went to the bar we had two drinks and we knew the bartender so he was pouring us heavy drinks

and we were literally driving.2 miles. And we were all parked in front of the bar on Ventura. There's no other businesses open, so we're the only three cars parked right in front of this bar at 1.30 in the morning. So we all whip a U-turn, and there were three motorcycle cops perched right across the street that watched us all make an illegal U-turn.

So just boom, boom, boom. They just picked us off. Motorcycle cops are the easiest to knock over. Yeah, but they have GoPros, which fucking sucks yeah by the time you can get behind

them to really like road rage them they've already got your license plate you can't i never remember that whenever i'm drunk and i'm driving i always think like fuck it i can knock them out before they know what happens and i always now it's oh, they already know who you are, you dumbass. Yeah, exactly. But I'd been pulled over twice before drunk, like leaving work maybe like.2 easily and passed roadside sobriety tests. So I was like, I'm golden.

But the value is... Now suck this dick while you try to mumble the alphabet backwards i passed oh thank you officer no yeah i actually just passed who knew so what did you blow i blew a 0.13 so it wasn't horrible. It wasn't horrible. No, it's not horrible. Yeah, it's not awful. That's one drink too many. Okay. That's early in the night still. According to the law. You get busted. Yeah.

So I'm handcuffed in the back of a cop car with my boyfriend at the time who refused to blow also failed the roadside sobriety test because he was actually probably

fine but he's a little gimpy so you take what you can get at your age he just had a bum knee man so he whatever but anyway so so I'm He just had a bum knee, man. So he limped or whatever. But anyway, so I'm 41 years old, handcuffed in the back of a cop car with my boyfriend.

It's a weird thing. If you were 29, you'd never go, I'm 29 and I'm handcuffed. But at this age, you start going, I shouldn't be doing this. That's ingrained into you. I should not be having fun at this age. you start going, I shouldn't be doing this. That's ingrained into you. I should not be having fun at this age. Not that that's fun. No, but it was a shock. I turned to him and said, in all the seriousness that we were facing, we were going to spend the night in jail.

His nephew was getting married. There was a bachelor party the next day. He was going to spend the day in jail. His nephew was getting married. There was a bachelor party the next day. He was going to spend the day in jail. He had people staying at his house. It was a horrible thing. So I always do your wedding on a Wednesday. So you can get

fucked up on Monday, get bailed out. You don't have to spend the weekend in jail. I missed the Saturday wedding because I went out Friday and got fucked up. No, do it on a Monday. This was a Wednesday night. Yeah, it was a Wednesday night. But there's no one on the road. Do that shit

on Saturday when there's a bunch of drunk people on the road and your odds decrease dramatically. Play the numbers. Exactly. You've got to play the numbers. That's it. You don't play roulette with that. You play craps. So we're sitting in the cop car, very uncomfortable.

Their seat's not cushioned. They're just like plastic. We'll have to bring this up with Officer Bob Friendly. All right. Strangely, that's not their main concern. It's your comfort. It is not. I guarantee it.

So we're handcuffed in the back of the car, and I turned to him and I said, I can't believe it took me 40 years to end up handcuffed in a cop car with a boyfriend. That was my first thought. I was like, lying about your age. You said you were 41, but you said 40 to the cop. Yeah. Chicks and lying with their age. Yeah, well, he was telling me and everybody in the world

that he's 48 and he's 53, so fuck him. Sarah Hyland does. And I did it just because I didn't want the extra syllable. He did it because he was worried that people would think he's old and a has-been. Plus he limped, so it was obvious. Plus he's a gambler. The cane gave it away.

Sarah Hyland, who we have not seen in 14 years, oddly hasn't drank in 14 years. But had a DUI story. But I told you, had a DUI. I was like, this is going to be fun. In Kentucky, which sounds way more fun. Well, it's... I'm sorry, that sounds way more fun.

The odds are way worse in Kentucky. They just assume that you're drunk. Well, no, because it was during Derby. And the bars during Derby time are open until... They close at 6 a.m. and open back up at 8 a.m. So it's just like a big, you know what I mean?

Now, did they do a thing where they do a lock-in where if you're there at 6, they lock the doors and you can stay there? No, no, not at all. So you gotta leave. Yeah, yeah. Oh, they get the tourists as liquored up as possible so they can flee some of the fucking DUI money.

And you had out-of-state plates for some reason. I don't know. I'm guessing. No, I didn't. No, I remember we left a bar, and I was shit-faced. It wasn't like, oh, one drink too many. It was like, it was fucking 14 gallons too many. I don't remember what I blew.

When you guys were talking about it, I was like, I don't remember what I blew. I didn't know if I asked. Man, in my DUI class, that was like the rite of passage when you came in. No idea. When you came in, it was like, oh, so-and-so is new to the group. And everyone's like, does anyone have any questions for the newcomer? What'd you blow? That's the first question.

Really? And then if they were like, if they were like,.27, we were almost all like, fucking high five, bro. It is amazing. It's like you talk about, like you talk about in the book about the AA, like the one-upping stories.

Yeah. It kind of was like that. You almost have to die to get any call. Yeah, like I was like.13 and they were all like, lame.

And I almost wanted to go, dude, I've driven way more drunk than that like i'm cool man i'm a fucking bartender man you want to say something no i'm good yeah i know so many people that were legendary drunks that got the 0.09 yeah dui and like yeah i was going I was just going out. I was leaving my house. Well, and that was like your old bit from, I think it was like Sicko.

I think it was like, I could blow a 0.08 on my way to the party. Yeah. And that was exactly what, I would have blown a 0.08 on my way to the bar to meet my boyfriend's family for the first time like it's a that bit was about how it should be based on your skills according to your bac like if you can blow in your tolerance and drive the fucking course you should get a driver's license based on your performance at but i i feel the same way about speed limits where if you have a piece of shit car

and I have a brand new car, you have some fucking 1989 Ford Fiesta with a wobbly tire, you can go the same speed as me and that's not right. That's way more unsafe. Yeah, I should be able to go 20 miles an hour and that's not right. That's way more unsafe. Yeah. I should be able to go 20 miles an hour

faster than you if I have a brand new car. I know it sounds elitist, but it's actually logically accurate. It's like a Vespa on a fucking interstate. There's no Vespa on the interstate. You can't...

I'm like, meep, meep. 40 miles an hour. Sarah was going to talk about being raped in jail. Oh, you were going to talk about being raped in jail. Okay, I wasn't raped in jail, but I did, so what happened... Alright, man.

Kind of anticlimactic now, isn't it? Well, I mean... As was the rape, oddly enough. We'll make up the raped in jail part after her story. I did give away my tea and my lunch. Like, I did give it away. I absolutely gave it away.

I can see getting a... Like, if you get a DUI in L.A., you can't get out of it with a blowjob, probably. But if you get a DUI in Kentucky, you could probably get out of it with a handjob. You don't even have to resort to a blowjob. If you have all five fingers, you're a star. Or no teeth.

I was going to say teeth. You're going straight if you have teeth. I feel like I'm blaming the victim, but I don't mean to do that. I feel like you should have been able to get out of this. Sister, park it and walk from here. Yeah, yeah. There's too many women without teeth that are surefire ready to go.

You know what I mean? It's a sure thing. So, yeah, well, no, it was derby, and I was trying to parallel my car. And derby, they're in the streets are like New Orleans. Like, what's that? You know, Mardi Gras and shit. Like, it's just packed. And so I found a spot.

I was shit-faced and hadn't eaten since 1986. And so I tried to parallel park my car, but there was a goddamn cop car parked behind me. But that didn't bother me. I just backed into him. A lot of confidence in your parallel parking. Wow. I tried to turn it, and i just hit the car and so and at the time i was what i weigh like 90 pounds i was probably like 100 pounds man

and i i bet you have it in some kind of cheat sheet ledger somewhere every day how much you weighed but go ahead i don't it was fucking wrong all i know and i was i remember i had the only thing i was eating where's bingo the only thing I was eating at the time was jelly beans. Oh, wow. Every meal, jelly beans and Diet Coke. That's the only thing I ate. And so I remember my friend Ryan Daly was in the car with me. He's like, Sarah, you're cool, you're cool.

I was like, I'm not cool. I'm not cool. Everything's not cool. Like, I pussed out. I totally pussed. But I was like, it's not cool. So I started eating these jelly beans to try to like sober up i'd like literally eating fucking jelly beans sobering up drinking diet coke thinking that's

gonna distinguish you know just like it will completely annihilate any smell of vodka on my fucking breath like no right and so yeah so he pulls me out and i do the breathalyzer i did the whole thing and i remember i had flip-flops on, and he was trying to do the, you know, walk in the line, like when you have to put one foot in the line. Flap, flap, flap, flap. I couldn't walk the line sober in flip-flops. So I had the flip-flops, and I was like, and of course I couldn't do it because I kept tripping over my flip in the flop. Do you know what I mean? I kept fucking up because my toe would go over the flip, and it would just go to the side.

Do you know what I mean? This is getting very Bill Cosby. He's like a flippity flop. No, but like, do you know what he was like? But then your feet are sweaty because it was fucking hot and so like they were sliding on the thing so I couldn't get a grip. So that was the problem.

See, she can rationalize this, Chad. Absolutely, man. Take a lesson, man. She's had more time. This just happened two days ago I'm working out in my head I'm working out in my head So that I'm the victor at some point You're a victor

Yeah so I just asked I said do you manage to take off my flip flops And walk it again That's what I said So help me fucking god And I had red hair about like that like fucking and then one dreadlock and things were going great yeah it was fucking great and i was also in this period of my life where's bingo again like i got to the other period i was bedazzling

everything so everything was fucking bedazzled i had a lot of time on my hands man and i changed my name to rosie officially and I made everybody call me Rosie officially. And so everything I had on my body just had Rosie fucking bedazzled all over it. I remember I had this goddamn, and I made all my clothes. Seriously, I didn't have a hobby. How old were you? I was like 20, 20, 21. Are you going to start making us call you Turquoise?

Maybe. You should. I also went through two years of my life where I thought I was Native American and I did the whole thing. It was a lot. And I actually bought a wolf. Do you remember that? Did we tell you about Lakota?

Fucking hell. So we went and found a wolf. No shit in Kentucky. It's a lot. Anyway, I dyed my hair black and got extensions and I wore gold every single day for two years. So anyway, let's move on. All right, Cher. It's a lot, man. It's a lot.

I'm feeling decent about myself in this crowd. You know what I mean? Don't even sweat it. You had one moment of fucking insanity where you were going to walk people off the road. No, I have a lot, but I'm still feeling decent. Yeah, come on. I've done it like 16 times before, 10 a.m.

It's fine. And you changed my name while I did it. Fine. Do you see why it's not a problem to be drunk around a sober Sarah Hyland? There are rare finds in the world of sober people that you can be hammered around and they fit right in. I forgot she was sober until you just said that right now. A lot of people. It's fine.

I remember I auditioned for Last Guy Standing. Fucking fuck me. I don't even know why I did it. It just seemed like the thing to do because that's where everybody was. So I didn't even want to do the goddamn show. And so I went in and I did my thing. And then I had to come out afterwards

and they have you like in a photo booth where they talk they interview you and they ask me if I was high now I had been sober for four years at that point do you know what I mean it's like that kind of life I'm like fucking hell people forever oh for fuck's sake oh for fuck's sake

so yeah so I kicked off so I had this bedazzled shirt with Rosie on it so I kicked off I didn had this bedazzled shirt with Rosie on it So I kicked off, I didn't take off my flip flops I didn't like bend down to take them off like a goddamn Sober lady, do you know what I mean? I flipped them, like I flipped Like I kicked them I had kicked them

I had kicked the son of a bitches off And they both like Both chopped, you know They flinched to move the fucking head I was like, this is going great Now they'd shoot you And they both chopped. They flinched to move the fucking head. I was like, this is going great. Now they'd shoot you. Yeah. Fucking.

Oh, my God. And it was right in front of Taco Bell. And I remember all the, like, my ex-boyfriend, Cookie, was sitting out, like, eating a taco. Your ex-boyfriend. Oh, my God. Back up. Back up. This gets better and better.

Back the fuck up. First of all, you are actually pitching my book again, because at the time I was a male prostitute for a minute. Your name was Cookie? The woman girl, I say. This fucking bouffanted, hair old fucking swinger woman that I fucked was named Cookie. So that's in the book. You had a boyfriend named Cookie.

You should write a better book. We practically lived the same life. Yeah, so they were watching me while I was getting arrested and then so yeah then I went to jail and it was like cause it was derby so they put me in this big holding pen and I remember I was talking to two girls from Indiana who stole computers

yeah you say holding pen they do that at Mardi Gras bingo well they'll just like it's the fucking chain link fence dog run chile says yes yeah they do that at wrigley field too i've been told a seventh inning stretch i know you're like it took me until i was 41 to get

in trouble and you're like In Wrigley Field There's a holding pin That's fucking atrocious I mean good god When I was in there Yeah That's Patty Vasquez's fault We'll talk about that

In a minute Patty Vasquez After the podcast We're close to done Go ahead So yeah No that was earlier So I went

We were at Guantanamo So I'm in Shawshank Redemption It was horrible And so I was talking To two girls Who stole computers from Indiana and then around probably like 6am I just felt one tear

because it was time for breakfast and I remember this one I did get food raped I remember I went to go get your tray and I turned around and this little fucking woman was right there with her hands like this fucking ready to take my food.

And I gave it. I goddamn gave it. Oh, she pinned you. She had your fucking number. I'm pissed. I didn't shit or pee that entire time. That's why people in prison eat like this. Yeah, bruh.

Like, I handed over rightfully. I was like, where you going? Well, because it wasn't Jelly Belly brand. Yeah,fully I was like well cause it wasn't Jelly Belly brand yeah it wasn't exactly it wasn't I was like I only eat jelly beans

bitch so that was about it so she let me keep my tea cause I was parched hey we're sponsored by the Kentucky Derby

come to Louisville Kentucky Louisville Louisville, Kentucky. Louisville. Louisville. Everyone just went like, Not the fans of the Tottenham Hot Spurs. It's a callback to another podcast.

All right, let's wrap this up and then talk like adults. We've done enough work. We paid our dues. There's another podcast coming up sometime. I don't know. Life's weird. Sarah Hyland, how do they get a hold of you? Are you on Twitter?

What? Are you on Facebook? I'm on Facebook and Instagram and YouTube, but I did change my name because of the whole tabasco that you just talked about with Sarah Hyland. I don't know if that ruins the plans for going to prom. Oh, no,

you can still fuck with people. Still do that? Okay. So I changed it to Sarah Rose. So it's Sarah Rose comedy. Sarah Rose. No one's named that. Not in comedy.

Not in bedazzled on the back of a jean jacket. I know you wish. I fucking wish. It's going to be bedazzled like a motherfucker. I'm going to be a country singer. I just changed everything. At Hamburger Mary's, maybe,

on Drag Brunch Sunday. I'm going to bedazzle everything. Thank you for that goddamn idea. So, succinctly tell people how to find you. I need to name my patch. Goddamn it. At what? Oh, sorry.

Just go to Sarah Hyland Comedy on YouTube, on Instagram, and on Facebook. I'm on all those. All right. Patricia Waits, Patricia Nelson, P. Waits, Patch. Yeah. How do they find you? Because you have a new album coming out. I do have an album coming out.

an album coming out. Leannelson.com is the domain name I just bought. I'm still working on the website so that will be up in the next month or so.

Boozkazoo.com Boozkazoo.com God damn it. Right now. GoDaddy.com bitches. Chaley already got, right now. GoDaddy.com, bitches. Chaley already got it for you. What?

Shut the fucking front door. Merry Christmas to me. Holy shit. It's Christmas in June. I fucking hurt you. Does anybody have the bedazzle one yet? Anyone? Anyone?

Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. I'm going to bedazzle your goddamn booze kazoo. Oh my God. Can you put a kazoo in your... I got a little bit of a heart on when she says that right now. I'm going to bedazzle your kazoo. Bedazzle your booze kazoo. God damn it.

All right, here's the stories we didn't get to. I will make you forget all your heartbreak, girl. Here's the stories we didn't get to because I never looked at my notes. Toothpaste. Oh, yeah. And Giovanni Ribisi used stealing limes. Oh, God damn it. Yeah, we stole his limes.

We walked up the street and stole his limes. We can't go back in time. Chad Shank, at HD Fatty. Thank you, dude, who dropped off. Oh, yeah, thanks a lot. I got some edibles, some things I've never seen before. I've never seen THC capsules. THC Kool-Aid? Are you kidding me?

THC Kool-Aid. There's like a gummy and a capsule. OJ. Yeah. O-G-O-J. It reminds me of when I was in the Army in MREs. You get a little package of dry mix Kool-Aid, but this one has weed in it. So as soon as I'm close to my sofa, I will ingest all of those things.

Not here, though. Thank you. I don't know. They didn't tell me the guy's name. They said that, but the guy who gave me that. What a great guy. Thanks, sir. Thank you, everyone, and we'll see you on the next podcast.

Or maybe later on Periscope at Doug Stanhope. That's how it works. I Periscoped last night the girls playing some music. At Chaley. Oh, at Greg Chaley wasn't on this podcast. He had nothing to do with it. I was playing with you last night. Oh, were you?

I don't know. All I know is I got a lot of tweets that were complimentary about the music, and one of them quoted me saying, Oh, shit, I don't know how to stop this. I'm going to have to shut off my entire phone. So I didn't know we periscoped until this morning. Thanks tweeter people for

reminding me of what we did last night. We're going to close you out with how the fuck you pronounce that? Make Chad do it. Adderall Jack. Right. By Barack

Shippies. Shippies. Yeah. Shippies. Shippies. Barack Shippies. Yeah. I feel like we just said something bad about the president. I think ISIS is after us.

Okay, yes. Thank you for all the Adderall Jack, Billy Jack Bitch song parodies. for all the Adderall Jack, Billy Jack Bitch song parodies. This is the winner. You won absolutely nothing but your name mispronounced. Good night. Adderall Jack.

Adderall. Adderall. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. Jack. What if I gave you Adderall

What if I gave you Adderall And even though it's not cocaine Even though it's not If you snorted right up your cocaine If you snort it right up your nose You'll still be up for 20 days You'll still be up for 20 days Adderall Jack Who's with me? Bingo, get up there and play some guitar on the stage.

Give us some up-tempo. Up-tempo. Turn the cable music off. She's got it. Up-tempo? Up-tempo. Is her up-tempo? It can be.

Depends on how you interpret it. Honey, are you doing cocaine? No, I'm not doing cocaine. All right. Do you doing cocaine all right do you have cocaine Come here. You want to get next to me? Yeah, yeah. I'm going to just sit. I don't think I have any... Come here. Let's go for it.

Come on. Yeah, yeah. Stop. What? My tune is not up-tempo and... Go ahead. Play it. No, it's not up-tempo.

I know, but play it anyway. I need some goddamn energy in this room. Don't lead me into a goddamn... No, it's Casey Kasem. Sad fucking letter into an up-tempo song. I gotta do a goddamn eulogy for a dead fucking cat.

You give me an up-tempo song? You ever hear the Casey Kasem rant? Sounds good, but I haven't heard it. The Casey Kasem rant? Is there such a thing? Like blooper reel shit? Yeah, yeah.

He's yelling at the producer during his... Like the Buddy Rich tapes. Tommy Lasorda. Do you remember the Buddy Rich tapes? One of the musicians on the bus was pretending to listen to a Walkman, and Buddy Rich would get on the bus after all the young cats would be on the bus. These guys were just thrilled to be in the band, and then he would get on the bus and just fucking call them clams.

Like, what are they fucking clams? Anytime a mistake, and he would just fucking lit them up. It doesn't have to be up-tempo, just play it. And it was so famous that it passed around the cassette tape and duped

to, you know, musicians and everything and there's a fly off the handle, like, fly out. You can be on

whatever you want to be on. I don't want to be on it. The Beastie Boys have a song where it's like, I fly off the handle like Buddy Rich or something like that. Buddy Rich flying off the handle. And it was just this known thing that just got passed underground between musicians

of him just fucking going ballistic night after night on the bus. Fucking killed me. Because I've thrown it out there for years just to see if anyone caught the reference. What reference? It's from John Wayne doing a speech in 1969. Are you on air? We're always on the air. We are?

Yeah, we are. Okay. And he's drunk as shit giving a speech. I think it's a commencement speech. USC or UCLA. And he's drunk as shit. And he's talking about the Vietnam War. And I, you know, in my day, we'd kick this shit out of here.

And at some point, the crowd is so tentative because he's John Wayne. And he says something. And they give him this weird, awkward round of applause. And he goes, I ain't talking for clapping. I think it was about the Vietnam War. Yeah, it was. Someone took a dump in a wastebasket or something, but he's slurring through all this. And when I'd get an unnecessary round of applause on stage,

I'd go, I'm not talking for clapping. Just to see if anyone got the reference. Oh, it's in the beat. Hang on. The point is, fucking Patton Oswalt's new special is talking for clapping. And I'm like, you motherfucker. I wish I thought of that. It's one of those bad beats where you motherfucker, I wish I thought of that. It's one of those bad beats where you go,

I wish I thought of that first. Oh, you wish you did it first. Yeah, exactly. You didn't have to think of it first. You had to be the first to do it. There's one Chris Rock bit about men are only as faithful as they have options. They look at the TV. I'd never fuck her.

I wouldn't fuck her with your dick. Well, if she was at this bar and wanted to, yeah, you would. That kind of. The John Wayne thing, it was getting to be god damn dickulous. God damn dickulous. It was, it's getting to be regoddamdiculous. Regoddamdiculous. And it was, I'm like Buddy Rich when I fly off the handle.

It's from the Beastie Boys song. Are you doing cocaine, Sarah Highlander? Sarah Highlander. Because I did this once with the Kleenex. Like that? Yeah. Is that too much? What do you got? My family practice is broke, so can I text?

Can I really wait? Are you interrupting a podcast to ask me if you can text someone? No, this is important. My fanny pack just busted. God damn it, the fucking phone's ringing. Fanny packs are breaking. Fanny pack emergency. Derek's on the phone.

Derek, you're live on the podcast. Hey, I'll be over there in a second, then. All right. What the fuck? How did you even? That's what I just heard. Oh, my God. Sarah Highlander is on the podcast.

Why does that sound bad? The Highlander. I got to look that up. We never did that. Not now. Not now. I guess we're podcasting. Are we podcasting?

It's not on, but yeah. Speaking to the mics, but it's not on. Sarah Highlander doesn't drink. That's the problem. It's been a huge problem this entire time. Haven't seen her in 14 years. We were in love for two days. I think it was a beautiful two days.

That's amazing. We're still friends. The breakup wasn't acrimonious. Soft breakup. He got through it. You ain't gotten married. You got over it. An hour after.

He got married while he was married. I know. He barely had room for you, to be honest. It was fine. I broke a plush machine and just stole plush dolls. I think we both moved on quickly. I know, but now I'm kind of back there. Are you in love again?

Well, what's you? Is it the sweatshirt? He wants plush dolls. Exactly. It's the way you don't i don't drink it's the way that i'm so sober it's the way you don't make eye contact and you're always on your phone you don't need any attention i love that i've been on the entire time because there's no wi-fi up here so 100 attention but you still stare at it i do still stare at it. Waiting for Wi-Fi? I actually do punch it just to make sure it's still working.

Just to make sure I still like my wallpaper. Is this on? No, it's on. I think my phone's not working. It's not ringing. On the last podcast, we renamed Sarah Hyland, H-Y-L-A-N-D, H-Y-L-A-N-D. There's some fucking cunt who got famous unnecessarily.

One of the stars of Modern Family. Yeah, I've never seen it. The oldest daughter. I've seen every part of her. I've never seen Modern Family. I never looked. I was a gentleman. You never tried.

We were in the in love stage. Are you talking about me? I thought you were talking about the show. I was like, was she in a porn? Like, how do you know? Have you seen all of Sarah Hyland? I never looked at you when we had. We were in love.

Why did you not look at me? Because it would be ungentlemanly. Wait, it would be ungentlemanly now to gawk. Well, now she's like 40 or something. I don't know. No, but when you guys were in a situation... Wait, who's 40? If the book is right, you're 37.

I'm not 40. So it's somewhere in between. I'm not 40. Point is, I didn't gawk out of respect for you aging. Do I look like shit? You're the worst. Come on.

Not a wrinkle on me. Look at me. Huh? Come on. Those knuckles look wrinkly. Okay. You know what I mean? Only when you have your hand up and flat.

It's been a big, great podcast. I'm going to eat wasabi peas and just get the fuck out of here. You know what? I hate you guys so much. Fist me. We'll see how old you are. Just see if my skin just tugs at your asshole. Fist me and then flex out your fingers and we'll see how old you are. Just see if my skin just tugs at your asshole. Fist me and then flex out your fingers and we'll see how much poop.

Skys back. Like a sluice box. And the knuckle wrinkles. Like a minor 49ers sluice box. Let's see what collects in those riffles. This podcast already will never air. But we just want to get practiced with talking. It's fine, and you need to practice on your podcast skills, because those have been lacking.

So, hello. Hey, there's Derek. Hi, Derek. Where's Kenny? I still want to do the Derek versus Kenny. Who would you rather have you drive to the airport? Where's Kenny? Yeah, come on. That means you don't want to call him?

We can start this whole thing over. We need to start this whole thing over. We never even started. Never even started. At all. Now I do. Doug, are you eating? I can stop this Look at you

Biggest pet peeve Wind Mouth sounds. Chewing with your mouth open. Saw a little of it with you today. No. When? Well, you know what?

Doug? Is everyone on fucking trial here? Yeah, what is going on? Jesus Christ. She's a guest. She's a guest. There's no guest yet. This podcast hasn't started. No, I'm talking without the microphones. This is a guest She's a guest There's no guest yet This podcast hasn't started

No I'm talking without the microphones This is a guest in your house You're like I didn't notice That you had a mouth sound We all do this We all drink and then we start busting each other's balls And you don't drink And I'm ver-clempt

I guess is the word I'm stymied That would be a better word I'm stymied. That would be a better word. I'm stymied by how to fucking deal with this lady. You have a piece of wasabi pea under your lip. Yeah, I'm coming on to you. Because you're going to eat them. I know.

I'm aggressively eating wasabi peas. Yeah, that's what I'm leaving it like a trail. Like fucking Jack and the Beanstalk. Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel. There's no candy at the end of this bread trail. That has five calories in it. I would never.

Yeah. I've reached my max. All right, shut it off. Blink. We're going to take a break from this very important podcast because I want to tell you guys something that's changed my life. It is the Boilermaker Kit at DougStanhope.com. Before I found out about this great product,

I was making Boilermakers all wrong. I was pouring the beer in my mouth, and then I had a handful of whiskey, and I was trying to splash that in my mouth. It was just, it was a mess. I'm half blind in one eye. But now, thanks to the Doug Stanhope Boilermaker Kit, I'm drinking like a pro. Get your own DougStanhope.com. We hate to interrupt this broadcast, but there's breaking news before you answer this question, Sarah Rose comedy. No, we have made a knee-jerk reactionary decision after the, I'm sorry to interrupt this podcast in progress with another podcast in progress, but we talked this over, and instead of Sarah Rose rose comedy because that's just

as benign we decided to go with sarah highlander not sarah highland who stole your persona came up some kind of fucking lucky gumption kind of fucking roll the dice shit. Instead of Sarah Highland with a Y, Highland, you're Highlander. You're bigger than her. So, you like this? I'm more Highland. I like it. I like it. Sarah Highlander.

You can change your name a fucking million times until people know you. Yeah. She might have been Sarah Dunstcap until she got a TV show, and they go, let's go with Highland. I saw a girl once. She was very pretty, prettier than you. She went with Highland instead of Dunstcap.

So you're better than her. So Highlander. Yeah, I like it. So we're going to get SarahHighlander.com at Sarah. Everywhere we can get SarahHighlander.com. At Sarah. Everywhere we can get Sarah Highlander. Bigger, better.

Will you just call me Highlander? Yeah, until you need to go Highlandest. To the Highlandestness. You're going to earn your fucking keep in this business. Yeah, I like it. Pay your dues. Thanks, Doug. You can be Highland-est eventually. Eventually, when I'm 80.

And then somebody else comes along with a Highlander. This is the biggest podcast in comedy, so I think this will do it for you. Thanks, Stanhope. So, ladies and gentlemen, if you want to find Sarah Highland... Step it up to Sarah Highlander. Step it up to Sarah Highlander.

More Highland than you. Highland. Highlander. That's my new catchphrase. I'm more Highland than you. Yes, you're more Highland than you. I'm more Highland than you. There you go.

There's my new. Make posters, people. Why are you so smart? Sarah Highland. She's more Highland. Highlander. She's more Highland. Highlander. She's more Highland than you. Thanks.

Bye, Doug Stanhope. She wasn't drunk. It was just me. Which is a huge problem. Yeah. For Stanhope. My God. I love you.

Yeah, yeah. I also love wasabi peas. Can I chew this into the mic? Don't chew it in the mic. Okay love you. Yeah, yeah. I also love wasabi peas. Can I chew this into the mic? Don't chew it in the mic. Okay, sorry. Don't chew it in the mic. I really want to chew it in the mic.