The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #154: Stanhope's Horrible People in Bozeman, MT

Episode Date: July 29, 2016

Doug, Brett Erickson, Kristine Levine and Chaille go over the first part of the Horrible People Tour. MT Lawyer Kevin Brown explains some finer points of western justice.Take a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope. Daily tour updates ahoy!Recorded June 23, 2016 at the Bozeman Inn in Bozeman, MT with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Kristine Levine (@KristineLevine), Brett Erickson (@BrettNotBrent), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   End of podcast is Magghie O'Shea (@CaveMagghie) performing one of her original songs to open the show at Boot Grill and Comedy Club in Fort Collins, CO.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Check, check. Alright, do you want to get some highway tone for ten seconds? Yeah, let's do that. Alright, ten seconds of nothing but silence. Wait a minute, if we get that noise then it will remove it from the audio. What do you want? Which is what we want. No, you want background noise, don't you?

Yeah. Then we don't need to remove it. Alright, good. I don't know, I. All right, good. I don't know. I'm just following your lead. No, you're good. Hey, that starts it off. That's the Doug Stano podcast with a Brett Erickson fart.

I hope you were recording. Oh, my God. Yeah. It's not your mic. Don't worry. It is my mic It is your mic? Well just switch out

Sorry about that dude Our unnamed lawyer in the mountain time zone Is with us Christine Levine is with us You have to pick up the microphone No Well if you start talking shit then he has to edit it out. You can still talk.

No, you're going to talk. Actually, here's what we'll do. We have our wink, wink, nudge, nudge Jay Kirshner lawyer down there, Jay Scribner down in Florida. So you're the opposite corner. You're the Northwest lawyer. If at the end of this podcast you feel you've said nothing that will make you accountable for shit, then we'll plug you at the end in a commercial.

In the meantime, we'll refer to him as Santa Fe Red. Santa Fe Red! Well, now we can't plug Santa Fe Red. That's why I farted, because we've been to the Mexican place twice already in six hours. Brett Erickson is here. We're up in the Montana time zone

Greg Chaley's here we only have four mics, five people we'll jump in on all this we completed five days I don't know how you guys feel about it but we put this out I'm hosting this tour where a lot of people like is he gonna do time like is he just gonna say hey welcome these people no i'm doing as much time as

i would have done anyway and then i bring you up as soon as i get to a place because i'm working out new shit and uh and then I get to a place where I go that's a good natural break after 20 minutes. Then I bring up Brett Erickson or Christine Levine and then I come up and do 15 more minutes and then maybe say some

shit at the end that I'm too drunk to remember but Chaley records it so I can listen to it. Yeah, they're still getting their money's worth or whatever. They're still getting their Stan Hope time in. I think it's gone so well that I want to keep doing this. Yeah, it's been

a lot of fun. It's actually worked out better because we were originally worried that people would be like, oh shit, you know, we want Doug. But since you host and you come up first and you do 15 to 20 minutes to open, that never happens. Because there's been other times

when we've been on the road where there's been so many comics before you even go up that that is what happens. Even though you're going to do 90 minutes. Stand up, stand up. And then that pisses me off. And I go out,

I hate the audience before I've ever spoken to them. Because they have a comic they don't know. Stand up. There's three guys. There's only three or two or one that are assholes. But I hear one guy going, stand up. When you're fucking Erickson. That shit you did with the mic stand.

Like, just slowly bleeding their patience. And I'm dying. I'm not going to... Yeah, you fuck with the audience a little bit. But if I hadn't gone out in front, they would probably be way more pissed off at that if I hadn't opened. I like this whole Doug Stanhope and friends. We've been fucking with how to promote it.

Yeah, I'm doing as much time. And my openers are headliners, which they are. and my openers are headliners, which they are. What I think is interesting from watching it from the production standpoint, first of all, the promoter last night didn't even know what time you were going to do. Is he going up again? Yeah. It's just because it's unconventional that we have to tell people,

especially the audience, they don't know. Well, we don't exactly know what we're doing either. But we don't tell anyone that. But we tell them, I tell them, I prep it, saying, look, Doug's going to be up like three times, at least. And then he's going to close it out, and depending on what the time is, he might go a little long at the end as well. But that was the

promoter I was telling. They just booked the show. They just want the fucking show. So it is important to let them know up front that I'm going to be up here a couple times and then you do your steal. I really want to keep doing this. I know this Mountain Time

tour is a bit of a focus group but yeah, tweet us and tell us honestly because except for Billings and Billings was fine. I just hate Billings. Yeah.

It's the best state in the world in the summer, and that's the worst city of the best state. It's like being the dirtiest asshole on the hottest supermodel. Unless you're into it. Yeah, but we're on a supermodel. Yeah, but you're the dirtiest, ugliest part of the hottest girl. One feature that the club... Well, you know, that was a restaurant we were in last night, and they just converted over.

No, it was a casino. Well, it was a casino, restaurant, karaoke bar, and catering establishment. Brent Erickson had a great fucking bit about that. Oh, you were the best? I saw you were voted the best here. Karaoke. Yeah, there was a plaque in the manager's office,

which was doubling as our green room. The plaque's on the wall, and they were voted the best karaoke bar in 2012 and 2015. So, what happened in the interim, I have no idea. You got the title back. Yeah, they got it back.

What I was going to say, last night's venue in Billings, they had a really interesting feature that I know helped you enjoy the show, was that they had an outdoor smoking deck patio that had good speakers so you could actually hear the show and you could see the show from out there. And it cut down on that amount of time of people being anxious, not wanting to miss something and not going to smoke, but then getting chatty or getting restless.

Yeah, the owner came up to me, goes, you're a smoker, you can smoke on my stage. And I said, no, I've learned that when you smoke on stage, it makes all the smokers squirrely, because they can't smoke. If everyone

can smoke, I'll smoke. Which, no, that's not going to happen. That was nice of them, though. Yeah, it was. They were nice. So this is day whatever. We're in the middle of the tour. We're doing ten shows and we've done five.

So it's the middle of the tour. We're somewhere in Montana with our other wink wink n, nudge, nudge lawyer. Saul 2. Saul Goodman 2. And we just, let's get the fuck with out of the way while we still remember it. We have a day off in Montana.

We've stayed here before during the World Cup a couple years ago. Had a blast fucking with people. Tonight, we're in the bar. It's me, Saul Goodman, too.

Can we just, we'll just say your name. No. Oh, no. Santa Fe Red. Santa Fe Red. Listen, this guy's been fucked with so much locally that we're not going to hurt his career. You can tell.

Oh, yeah, you've got to eat the mic. You've got to hold the mic. Yeah, there you go. You can tell my name. We will at the end. We'll do a... I'll be the unknown... We'll do a commercial for you at the end. Yeah, until the mic. You can tell my name. We will at the end. I'll be the unknown. We'll do a commercial for you at the end. Yeah, until the end.

Both him and... I was going to go. I can't go. Anyway. Anyway. So we're down at the bar in this motel right off the highway. Perfect. Back your car right off the highway. Perfect. Back your car up to the door.

Dump your shit right in the door. Motor in. Perfect motel with a bar and a great Mexican restaurant attached to it. And we're sitting in there. We're sitting in here. We're day drinking. What? We duced the van. That're sitting in here. We're day drinking. What? We duced the van.

That's an off-day thing. It's very convenient, but now we got nothing to do. Well, we've been driving five to eight hours a day between gigs because Brian Hennigan is from Scotland. He doesn't know the West is really big. Maybe he doesn't know what miles are. It's all in kilos or something. It's not that many kilometers.

Kilometers. So you do a show, you get drunk, you wake up too late, you throw all your shit in a different bag, you don't know where the shit is when you get to the next gig. So by the time you get a day off, you just take everything out of the van and you fucking bring it in and you sort shit out. That's your day off. It's the least fun day, but the most gratifying. Back to the gag.

We get in here. We do the gag. We get in here, we douche the van, we go down to the bar attached to the motel, and there's two what would be considered hot chicks in a very small town. Oh, they're cute. They're an eight here for sure. Yeah. What city are both of these? They think they're three points eight here for sure. Yeah. What city are you?

Bozeman eight. They think they're three points better than they are. Right. If they were in New York, they'd be like a six. Four. Four. Four. I think in LA, four. New York, six.

Bozeman, eight. Actually, yeah. New York doesn't have hot chicks. All right. They have smart chicks. Right. That's what I mean. Four in LA. And they're Jews. That's what I mean. And they're Jews.

Let's just get it out of the way. Yuck. So these two girls are sitting at this horseshoe-shaped bar, and then two old men walk in and sit at a booth. So we get the bartender to buy we buy four shots we go you get a waitress to give the two guys shots and say they're from the two girls and seconds later you give the two girls shots and say they're from the guys and the guys are like 70 years old and the girls are like 23 i didn't know that yes yeah i i just thought it was uh you know age appropriate that's you

didn't just yeah you didn't come into this till way later yeah yeah yeah so this is just me and brett and our lawyer coming up with this plan and we we tell the bartender, the bartender's all in, but then he gets swamped with business, and we're like, these girls are about to leave, so I chuck them 100 bucks, because originally I said, I tip really well, please do this with a straight face,

and then he ignores us for, like the gags. He was legit busy for a second, you know? Yeah. Well, yes. Whatever is going on. There's always something in Montana going on. It's the rodeo or the fucking sweepstakes or festival.

Evil Knievel Festival. That's in Butte. But so I go, all right, listen, those girls are about to leave. Here's that big tip ahead of time. Here's a hundred bucks. Make this happen. I don't know if this was more funny in our heads than it actually was after the fact,

but he gets it done. Gets a waitress to give the dudes, the old men, a shot, and then immediately gives them a shot, both the waitress and bartender, saying that the shots are from the other couple of... Yeah, and the guys are like, oh, this is nice.

And they're like looking over to the girls like... Waiting. Well, not waiting. They won't turn around. The girls wouldn't turn around. They're waiting for the girls to turn around. The girls wouldn't turn around. We're waiting for the girls to turn around because the girls bought them the shots. Why wouldn't they turn around and look?

As would be customary. They want to say, thank you for the shots. No, girls won't turn around. So we call Christine Levine in her room. I am an actress. We know you can pull this shit off so christine goes in not acknowledging us sitting right next to the story's getting a little ahead because even before christine

came in this went on for at least 30 minutes where where where the girls would not turn around and the guys were like all right like why would they buy us drinks and then not even turn around and look at us? Because they think the girls bought them the drinks. Right. But they're girls. They're not turning around because they don't want to be raped in Bozeman, Montana. And they didn't buy them the drinks. Right.

And what they don't know. At 730 in a casino bar. Follow it. The girls don't know that the guys even have drinks. Right. The girls just think these two guys bought them drinks, but they won't turn around to even acknowledge them. So eventually one of the two guys gets up and goes over to the girls

and says, you know, hey, or says something. We don't even know what. They just chatted. We're sitting there watching them chat, and they're kind of having some laughs. You can see there's confusion. Oh,'re kind of having some laughs. And they're trying to... You can see there's confusion. But it was just one of the two guys.

Oh, we didn't buy your drinks. Yeah, we didn't much. It was like a three's company situation. But I thought you did. But you did what? Yeah. Yeah, one of the guys came over. Right.

This is before Christine came in. So that happened. And then he went and sat back down. And then that went on for a while. And then both of them came over. Right. We don't know what they said, but as the two 70-year-old dudes, the white-haired dude and the dark-haired dude,

they came over and said goodbye to the girls, and that's when we're watching the level of their drinks, saying, we want to keep this prank going. Yeah. So as the drink of their drink saying, we want to keep this prank going. Yeah. So as the drink gets lower and lower, they're drinking like mugs of beer. Mugs of beer. Steins.

Like Montana rodeo women would do. October fist. Yeah, they're like Buckle Bunny drinking beers. Yeah, they're good. So when their drink started getting low, I called Christine and actually I walked down to your room. Yes. And I said, listen, this is your plan.

You go in and say. You told me to say, you know, thanks for the drink. You know, tell him, hey, I really appreciate you buying me that drink, but I could not accept I'm an alcoholic. And I was like, okay. And not acknowledge you and not even, and then just, you know, you said that even I could walk out. You had to walk right past us at the bar. Yeah.

And we didn't. But this is a horseshoe bar where they're at the end of the horseshoe. They're facing a wall. They don't see who's coming in or out. So I waxed. Well, at that point I wasn't really dressed for the bar.

So I went into the laundry room and I changed my clothes in there. So I was like naked for I don't know. It takes me a minute. I'm not sure why that's a necessary part of the story, but I like it. Yeah, well, because I because I wanted to get ready. This is a motel laundry room.

Anyone can walk in. And you have your own room. And it's also where you get ice. It's the vending room. She changed her clothes in the... It just seems inconvenient to get my clothes... Right. But to take my clothes out of the washing room or out of the dryer...

Oh, they were in the dryer. And you just changed right there. And then take them all the way back down to my room was just bullshit. So I just changed my clothes. Just to add one more little tidbit, and there is like

a four foot by five foot picture window up to the parking lot that you changed in front of. So yeah. Of course you would. There's a couple,

yeah. It's basically changing in the parking lot. Basically I did that. But no bra or nothing. I was just naked. And this guy was walking. Anyway.

So this turned into a different prank, apparently. I may have scared a couple dudes, but. She had her own shit going on. A way funnier prank than we were pulling. I'm really kind of busy, right? Yeah. Well, anyway, there's these dudes that were walking up and down the, I don't know, getting stuff out of their car and bringing it up to their upstairs. And they stopped at the stairs and go, oh.

Get walking. Anyway, it was fun. So I got this little dress on or this little sack on. And then I walked into the bar. And I immediately knew which one the girls you were talking about. They just had a little star-spangled patriotic. Yeah, one of them had a star-spangled, too-tight tank top kind of thing. So I knew immediately which one.

And was it one wearing a cowboy hat or something? Cowboy hat. That was the rodeo girl. Anyway, yeah, a little buckle bunnies. And I just walked right past you guys and i um said hi um i really do appreciate the drinks that you guys sent me but i am an alcoholic i don't really like to tell people that i'm very uncomfortable but um you know i just i appreciate your offer but i cannot and um okay and they, okay. And they go, well, we,

we didn't, we didn't do that. We didn't send that to you. And I said, well, who would do that? Why would somebody do that? And they go, they go, oh, we don't know. We're sorry. We think it's the bartender. And then I said, what? Like I'm looking what? And then they go, oh, well, we, we think he wants to be like a, like a, he wants to be like a meet and greet. We think he's trying to get people in the bar to just meet people. And I said, that is fucked up. What kind of game is that? What kind of, what are you talking about?

The bartender is just trying his best for $100 to not laugh. That's all we told him. You can't break face. Don't give it up. Do not laugh. That's all we told him. You can't break face. Don't give it up. Do not laugh. You gotta keep a straight face during this. And the whole time, I'm facing with my back to

them so Brett and my lawyer can look over my shoulder pretending to be in conversation but still, and I'm doing what an extra does. Just mama. Yeah, I'm moving my mouth, but not actually saying words. Peas and carrots.

Well, so then I fake cry a little bit, get teary. Like, why would somebody do that? You know, I go, I've been sober for 20 years, and I don't expect it to have it just thrown in my face. You know what I mean? And they're like, oh, no. I heard that because you were saying that as you walked back out of the bar behind us. As you left, you turned around and you go, I've been sober for 20 years.

That was my second time I said it. No, it was number two. And then I turned and I walked a little bit away, and then I turned back to them because I wanted you to hear it. When she came back and told me and reported because I had not been in the bar. I'm the next part. Let's pause for this truck to get the fuck out of here because that's a serious audio issue, I assume. No, it's fine.

We're going free ball. We're commando. She did tell me, Christine did tell me that, and then I turned around and I said, 20 years sober, so that Doug could get that tidbit and know that that was part of what was laid down just in case. I fucked their brains. So

they were like, oh, that's, they said something like, when I left, when I said that, they go, that's good, that's real good. Like, eh. And then, okay, so I had my door open a little bit later. Wait, hang on. Wait, let's go through the whole thing. Because now the girls got another drink.

So we call Chaley, who has not been with us since they've been at the bar. Okay, awesome. Chaley comes down. We have, it's not Rusty. Why do I keep calling him Rusty Riley Riley the bartender at the Bozeman Inn

Santa Fe Reds if you're anywhere near Bozeman ask for Riley and over tip that guy because he did pull this off and got blamed for it for a while we call Chaley to come down because he did pull this off and got blamed for it for a while. We call Chaley to come down.

Riley sets us up with two shots that I set over on the far side. So Chaley can grab them on the way in and say. Well, you gave me the motivation and kind of set me up because I have not been in there. So I go in, and I'm supposed to be a little drunk, you said. So I go up, and I grab the drinks. And what was great was they had their backs, so I could have been sitting with you. They might not have even seen me. And I go up, and then I kind of do a little kind of breathy kind of thing because I'm supposed to be

drunk but I'm not trying to really be too much because I'm not an actor. Chaley does not look like he belongs in Bozeman with his weird hair and his Hawaiian shirt. I really messed up my hair and I'm kind of doing a little crossy eyed thing a little bit.

I go, hey, don't mean to bother you but if you could help me out uh i was trying to buy a shot for my wife and something happened and i now i gotta go smooth it out with the little lady and if one of you would just do a shot with me and then i can i can go on and there and she's like sure sure okay and then i go uh all right and she's like, sure, sure. Okay. And then I go, all right. And she goes, oh, no, I need a lime. And I go, oh, what the fuck, a lime?

I don't even know who the bartender is because I don't know your Riley guy, right? First of all, no, you were supposed to say, well, you fucked this up then. Yeah, you did. I thought she was. You were supposed to say that they bought you two shots, but your wife doesn't drink. Oh, that's okay. It's all right. I said I bought the shot for my wife, and now she's mad at me is what I was trying to.

No, you're supposed to say they bought you and your wife a drink. They bought me the shot. Here's the problem with Chaley. He only has one job. You have 100 jobs. He was trying to count in the merch on the day off. Yeah. We have 800 jobs.

That's my day off, counting in merch. Anyway, so. So anyway. Did she do a shot with you? They were confused. And then I was like. And rightly so. And then the person was cleaning the table behind me and knocked the pepper down.

And then I totally apologized for it. Like it was my fault. And then that's when I was like stumbling and I just fucking left. And I bumped into Erickson on the way out. And I did the shot and I laughed. And yeah, that burned. All right. So now the girls are leaving.

But they were going to drink the shot. The bartender wasn't there. I didn't know where to get a lime, and they didn't want to go behind the bar. So the girls are leaving, and Erickson and I have the out. Yeah, we go over to them and then we say... We've never been suspect in this entire thing. Which is completely ridiculous

because we're the only people that have been in the bar the whole time. It's not a crowded bar. It wasn't crowded at all. I said, yeah, I've been drinking. Sorry, I'm a little drunk. We've been drinking. She goes, where have you been drinking? And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's been drinking. Sorry, I'm a little drunk. We've been drinking. She goes, where have you been drinking?

And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's right. This place is tiny. I'm like, well, we were on the patio. It got a little too hot for my wife, and then we got separated. And I'm like, I got to leave. I'm going to talk myself right into like, it's those guys. They made me do it. I was just counting T-shirts and shot glasses.

I have 100 jobs I only have 1000 jobs all of them I can't do it it cracks under the pressure so Erickson and I Erickson came up with this we'll just go up and just say hey thanks for those shots and yeah and they're

like well no we go hey i just want to say thanks for the shots and they go you're welcome which is a bit of a curveball you have to admit yeah and then they're like okay cool they were kind of curdley yeah and then they kind of cracked up a little bit. And then they immediately said, we're just kidding. We didn't buy you shots. And we're like, what? And then they start to explain this whole thing. And they're like, they're so confused.

No, I said, how do you know the mayor of Livingston, the adjoining town, the St. Paul to our Minneapolis? adjoining town, the St. Paul to our Minneapolis. Referring to the first guys that we had do this, the white-haired guy. I go, the white-haired guy in that booth, he was talking to you, the guy that was saying thanks for the shots. Oh, yeah, that's awesome. The mayor of Livingston. And they're like, what?

He's the what? He's the mayor? Yeah. Yeah. And Doug's like, yeah, he's the what? He's the mayor? Yeah. Yeah. And Doug's like, yeah, he's the mayor of Livingston. We didn't know why the mayor was talking to you. Yeah. And then our lawyer starts getting too chatty.

I had to pat him on the hand because he was talking too much. Easy, boy. Lesser is more. Less is more. I did say that. I whispered that in your ear I get paid by the words did we say this on the podcast

or just off the air when he was defending this is our lawyer that was so drunk in court one time that he was defending a small town

mayor of a local adjoining town for DUI and said Go ahead. Intoxification. My client was not intoxicated and still won the case.

Yeah. Because he was innocent. Good job. Of course he was. All your clients are innocent, sir. I know that. I've been blessed in my career that all my clients are innocent and he was too. Intoxicated,

notwithstanding. So these girls have this fucking long conversation with us about, I don't know, and oh, that makes perfect sense now that the mayor, because you told them the mayor of Lexington's a pervert. Livingston, yes. Yeah, the mayor of Livingston's a a pervert and that's his M.O. And now, so now, hey, I apologize to the mayor of Livingston, Montana. It definitely wasn't the actual mayor of Livingston.

Let's not get in trouble. I'm sure that person is a wonderful person who cares about the people of Livingston. We don't know. The beauty of this story is Livingston has no mayor. So... Complete... Complete...

We have no mayor. Oh, how exciting. We have a city manager. And we're in between city managers. Oh, literally. One of those kind of deals. We have no mayor. Hey, where are you living, man?

Well, I'm in between houses right now. You know what I mean? Can I catch a ride? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Project a bit for the microphone. But tell us the story you told us about this lubricant involved. You have to project.

Get in the mic. You're a soft-spoken man. Okay, so... As a lawyer, the way you talk on the microphone, you can't handle the truth. No, you get it. That's right.

A lot of people can. That's true. No, we're standing there. I'm saying that scene would have been so much worse You can't handle the truth But we will But we will handle the truth tonight There you go I have to stand up

Baptist Church Okay so you want to hear about the lubricant story Yes tell us a story Montana law Here you go This is how we do it in Montana So you want to hear about the lubricant story. Yes. Tell us a story. Montana law. Here you go. Here you go. This is how we do it in Montana.

I was doing a case in Montana, a custody case. Uh-huh. Custody battle. Custody battle with lawyers on every angle, right? Lawyers on both sides. What's the case? You know, like they do. What's happening? So what's happening is it's a custody angle, right? Lawyers on both sides. What's the case? You know, like they do. What's happening?

So what's happening is it's a custody case, right? And it's me in court in Montana. And it's a really, really smoking hot lawyer against me in Montana. Check it. Yeah, of course. It's a woman, yes. It's 2016. A hole's a hole it's 2016 a hole's a hole nobody cares it's okay you never know

and they have a witness on the stand that was testifying to the fact that my client the man was fucking his girlfriend in the ass in the bedroom in the bedroom. And the kids walk in.

Yeah, and she's wearing assless chaps. Like, she's got these chaps on. Yeah. This actually, they actually described the assless chaps in a court case. Oh, yeah, it was leather. Yeah, I heard all about the leather and the whole works. The kids heard about the leather. That's the problem. Well, the kids about the leather and the whole works. The kids heard about the leather. That's the problem.

But I'm saying, do you have to bring all these fucking salacious details? All that shit has to come into court? It all had to come into court. Because my client was irresponsible. Right? Because he's fucking

his girlfriend in the ass with her assless chaps doggy style in the bed yes while the kid one of the kids walks in okay how old's the kid it was teenage i don't know oh that's cool is it the kid that's testifying yeah so they they they trot the kid out to testify that the kid saw this. Uh-huh. So I'm sitting there, and I hadn't expected, like, I had never heard this story before, right? I didn't know. Like, I was shocked. Aren't you supposed to know that stuff before? Well, not if your client doesn't tell you.

Yeah, you don't know. Oh, gosh. Your client's not going to tell you. That dude's not leading with that. Oh, man, I told my lawyer everything. Anyway, go ahead. So I'm sitting there, and I'm listening to this story, right? But professionally and personally, there's a conflict because, like, personally, I'm really intrigued.

Because I'm like, I'm really impressed that my client's fucking this woman in the ass. Yes. With assless chaps and with all the leather. And there was all this whole testimony about the accoutrements. That's so sexy. Yeah, it was really sexy. Keep that microphone near your mouth. So then, the testimony, and I start to giggle and laugh

because I thought the whole thing was pretty fucking funny. I have this thought in my mind about my client fucking the girl in the ass. Uh-huh. So then... You laugh. Yeah, I was laughing and giggling, the whole thing. have this thought in my mind about my client fucking the girl in the ass uh-huh so then um you laugh yeah i was laughing and giggling the whole thing and um opposing counsel the woman on the other side in other words was really fucking hot and she's telling this story and so i get all these i'm getting all these when i'm doing a trial like i get all these things in my head that not necessarily like like demons

yeah yeah exactly so it gets to the point where they're talking about the big like this huge jug of lube that's on my clients nightstand with a pump on it and stuff and I start

to like really, I'm giggling and I'm kind of laughing because I've got all these things like running through my head. And a whole card on? A boner? I probably did. I probably, I don't know. Leading the witness.

Yeah. I know he did. Conjecture, Your Honor. But this really, really, really smoking woman against me, she looks over and she says well when the lube part came about the kid laughs at the lube yeah because the kid had said oh and i saw this jug of lube with like this pump handle on the top and opposing gals as she looks over at me and um

you laugh and she says i smirk and laugh and she says well I'm sure Mr. Brown knows something about that. And I said because and it really was knee jerk reaction. It was an honest knee jerk reaction and I just blurt out

as loud as could be and I said well no I just blurt out as loud as could be. And I said, well, no. I just spit on it. I don't know. And the stenographer said. How do you spell spit? I just spit on it. He says.

When she said that, I knew something about that. I was like, oh, no. I just spit on it. I don't know what he said. How did the judge react to that? Well, the judge cast me a really mean glance. Montana's under its ear. The Montana stern look.

Montana law. But it's true. I wasn't bullshitting. Are you sure you don't get paid by the letter? I don't, but that's a true you sure you don't get paid by the letter? I don't, but that's a true story. Anybody that was there would vouch. Well, it's a matter of public record.

We can just look it up. Freedom of information act. It's the case of the fucked up teenager versus the spontaneous utterance. Indeed. God, that's gross. Awesome. Awesome. I just spit on it good yeah I don't

I won't even try to get into the other story about the fucking angry cop and your response but we'll maybe tomorrow we'll do that maybe tomorrow yeah but it's a beautiful story oh good I can't wait alright let's get to the rest of the tour Tomorrow we'll do that. Maybe tomorrow. Yeah, but it's a beautiful story. Oh, good. I can't wait.

All right, let's get to the rest of the tour. We'll recap. Did we finish our prank story? Oh, shit, it's not done. No. All right. So they were finally leaving, and when they were leaving,

that's when we were talking to them about the mayor of livingston yeah and we were like i don't know what like how do you know the mayor of livingston like i don't know the mayor of livingston well that's weird because he's yeah the whole thing so then we just were like yeah he bought us you know like buying shots for everybody like that's his thing and they're like that's so weird and i wanted to do a reveal to them, but Doug's like, no, fuck them. Don't reveal it to them at all. Let them just go through their life. It's stronger if you don't reveal.

I've said this a million times on the podcast. I could never be a con artist because I'd want to brag afterwards. That's what I wanted to do. I wanted to brag to them. We did the right thing by leaving them wanting more answers. So I guess the story was mostly over because that was it.

Because then they were like, all right, well, weird night. But then they said the funny part was me. They said that I was. Oh, yeah. That was so funny to me. Oh, yeah, yeah. She goes, and then that one girl was all angry at us. And I go, the fat girl?

And we go, they said, we didn't want to say it. We didn't want to say it. And we were like, yeah. In case you didn't know. Right, right. Oh, we didn't want to say. And I'm like, I wish I was black, too. Then what would they say?

But then they came over. That's what I wanted to tell you. Oh, yeah. Okay. Now, yeah. So then I knew that you guys didn't tell them the truth because. This is all over. They've left the building, but they're staying in the hotel here somewhere.

Oh, really? Yes. They came by. They let their dog run around or whatever. My room door was open. Their dog comes in my room, and I'm petting the dog. And then the one with the cowboy hat sees me and goes bubbo come on come on and i go no it's okay no no no it's sorry sorry sorry sorry and

then the other girl just freezes she sees me and just goes oh god and then they just got off like a shot just fuck that crazy skinny black chick is gonna get us us. Yeah. It's so funny. If we see them again tonight, and I bet we will, we'll reveal. Oh, they were terrified. Especially because they'll see all of us. Wait a minute. I'm going to walk by with Bobo right now

because we are in a motel with all the doors facing out into the parking lot. Thanks for the drink. I've been down for 20 years! Now I'm sucking these guys' dicks and I'm fucking... Just for a cocktail. Thanks a lot.

Megan and Kendra. Whatever, yeah. Those are their names? Yep. Megan and Kendra. Fucking leave it to Erickson. Hey, I was looking at the table over there you've got that dale carnegie book it's always important to remember people's names and use their names back to them in the conversation and it'll always stick in your head brett that's a great report

that's a great brett what you're saying brett is. Chaley agrees with me. And Kevin Brown, a great, great. You know, something about remembering names. A buddy of mine, well, you guys know him, Bart Kreisler. Fat guy, big fat guy. Not Tom Segura fat. Not Segura fat. Bart Kreisler, yeah, he said the same thing. Repeat the name and you'll always remember it.

I'll never forget Bart for that. He's what they call bloated compared to the obese, shamu fucking whale of Tom Segura. But, you know, it's all perspective. Nobody has complained so far on the Twitter about this whole lineup that we have with me hosting. I've gotten no negative feedback, to be honest. Everyone's been very kind. Very supportive. And you guys have fucking crushed. Well, you know.

Duh. It's been a fantastic tour. I have not. I tried to have fun. I'm going to pretend to have fun on this tour, but it actually happened. So I'm going to just go through beats. El Paso.

You're going to have to turn that mic over to Chaley because you weren't here for this, Dr. Lawyer. El Paso. I remember I was happy with the low turnout because I didn't think any of my material. It was a good way to start it off, I thought, too.

Nice, soft opening. And it being your 25th year, it was a bar that you'd actually started in so long ago. I want to explain that. Let's close on that. All right, let's go through this. I will die at the end of this tour. I'm pretty sure. But we'll close on that Let's go through this I will die at the end of this tour I'm pretty sure

We'll close on that But El Paso I remember Christine Levine Is a large woman Large enough to get A handicap parking pass So now

We can park in front of any fucking place we go. It's the greatest thing. Perfect. If you sucked, we'd tell you you're great. Just to bring you back on tour. Well, the downside is she snores so badly. Here's how we work on tour. And this is why we only work with people we know from the day is, yeah, we double up.

We're not fucking wasting money on hotels. Both of you cocksuckers are broke. Yeah. You'd rather have the hotel money and stay together. broke yeah you'd rather have the hotel money and stay together but not she christine levine snores so badly yeah that my dogs try to jump over my fence when she comes i think henry's deaf because she started sleeping with me in the pink room sometimes but yeah is that terrible pretty bad so we have to pay for an extra hotel room every night. But yeah, we've done these tours forever.

Yeah, we double up. Well, when Tracy and I travel with you and Bingo, we get one hotel room. Yes. Routinely. Yeah. But none of the three of you do comedy unfortunately. Well, we're working on some stuff.

Bingo or Tracy to do comedy. Wait, wait, wait. Let's just put a fucking... We're full t-shirts. Let's pull back on this idea. No, we're fast-tracking this one. This has been greenlit. I think it's fine the way it's working right now,

just to be honest with you. I love it. It's worked out very well. Someone did tweet, Hey, Shaylee, how's it going? Yeah. It's worked out very well. Someone did tweet, hey, Shaley, how's it going? After the first two nights. El Paso, Albuquerque. Hang on.

Oh, listeners, ladies and gentlemen, this is Shaley's new segment. Hey, how's it going on Twitter? How is it going, Chaley? If you tweet at Greg Chaley and say, how's it going? Hey. Every podcast. How is it going? And what do you say? Hold on.

I will wait for my intro music to pot down. All right. All right. I did say it's going way better than I even would imagine by the second night. That's enough. That has been another exciting episode of Hey, How's It Going, Shaley? That was Greg Shaley's segment. All right, go back to where you're sitting.

How many Twitter followers do you have, Brett? I have a lot of Twitter followers. What's your social security number again? How many? Four. I was one of the first ones. Classic joke. Go ahead. When I comment of the first ones. Classic joke. Go ahead.

When I comment on the tour, my point is people listen. That's true. Yeah. What were you saying, Jay Lee? I feel like Jay Lee and I are fighting right now. I said it. What? People ask how is it going because I was really concerned with how those first two nights were going to go.

El Paso, I was concerned. I loved El Paso. I thought that when you came up with the first bit that you did about the chapters for the new book, I thought that was fucking great. And I didn't have any idea what you were going to do. I knew you had maybe one or two half-baked chunks that you were going to go with.

And then that was, I'm like, that's a fucking freebie. I didn't even know about that one. And then just the way it kind of went, it was like no one really, we didn't talk about it other than who's going when. Right. We didn't really know. So by the second gig, I'm like organically. Letterman didn't headline his own shows.

I like to think of it like that. Yeah. They came out, did some shit, fucking carried the show. They do this in the UK all the time, too. Kind of like this. Not quite. But that is the biggest rub here. Let's never give the UK credit for shit

that we're doing better. The rub is getting the audience to understand that it is not your ordinary comedy show because people will come in late thinking it's a regular Stanhope show where they've loaded in three thinking it's a regular Stanhope show where they've loaded in three local comics a host and then someone Doug brings and then Doug so they can come an hour late one of my biggest pet peeves about comedy and I'm sure we've talked about it

but no one hears everything we say is at some point they decided they need 15 from the opener, 30 from the middle act, 45 to an hour from the headliner. Right. And now you go to towns where they just follow this formula where they don't have an opening act that's worth shit. So they have someone suck

to the point where people will purposely show up late because they know the first guy's going to suck even if they don't know who the first guy is. So yeah, I like doing, I love this formula. I want to keep doing this wherever I go. It's like showing up to a movie theater knowing they're going to run 20 minutes of fucking credits

at showtime. That's exactly what it is. Exactly. That's a fucking great point. But we've all done it too with music, with concerts. If you buy concert tickets, you're like, oh yeah, well, we're going to go see Tool. All right, well, who's the opening act?

I don't know. We're going to boo them, though. Not when the cult opened for Billy Idol. I was there for the fucking cult. But you know, I mean, you can... A lot of times you can go, if you're, you know... I remember being a kid and they would all... That's the only time I went to concerts when I was a kid.

And they would always boo the fucking opening act, no matter who they were. And now it's you. You know what you're going to miss? I'll tell you, this is what you're going to miss if you show up 20 minutes late to the Doug Stanhope Horrible People show. Doug Stanhope's Horrible People. You're going to miss if you show up 20 minutes late to the Doug Stanhope Horrible People show. Doug Stanhope's Horrible People.

You're going to miss Doug doing the sponsors. Which is fun. And doing the opening, like, what happened on the way here. You're going to miss all the fucking warm-up and then the material that you have for your first little chunk. This format is why I would love to have Andy back on a tour. Because Andy and I have the same sense of humor. We watch the same shit. And we always go for the same joke.

But he was always opening for me. Puzzle went. We were watching. We were in Boise, Idaho. And they had this history channel fucking all the presidents and one guy in the 1800s late 1800s they were in a fucking debate like this year and the other ones called the other guy a puzzle wit. And we go, puzzle wit? What a great fucking word. And I go, he's going to fucking use that on stage before I can use puzzle wit.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Andy, you're co-headlining. I'm hosting. I get puzzle wit this time, you motherfucker. That night, he did say puzzle wit, but he also left out the entire setup and three of the other keywords that were involved in the

joke he was telling. And both vowels. And all the vowels. But he got the word out. He did get Puzzle Wit in there. Oh, do we have a lighter? Yeah, here, come here. Actually, Doug, this was... Did that guy just

climb over a wall? He's tall. So it was interesting because Roseanne was very interested Did that guy just climb over a wall? Yeah, there you go. He's tall. Hi, bud. So it was interesting because Roseanne was very interested. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what happens here. Are we wearing a wire? Are we the feds? Are you asking if we're wearing a wire?

Yeah, no, we're the feds. What the feds do is they like to come in, they grab microphones, they start talking. Hang on, some guy just climbed over a wall, got a lighter, and walked into the room and we all have microphones so as I hold a microphone are you guys funny?

stand up comedy oh shit I'm wearing a JT Habersad shirt that's how we get called out but we are on the air are you funny? yeah I'm David nice to meet you we get called out. Okay. Yeah, but we are on the air, so...

Okay, you guys have... Are you funny? Yeah. I'm David. Nice to meet you. David, nice to meet you. Go get... Hi, I'm Christine.

Nice to meet you. Nice bump. He doesn't... He's Brendan Walsh. Nice to meet you. Yo. Dane Cook. I'm Dane Cook.

No. He's a buddy of a fucker. No. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Oh, boy. All right. Thanks, man. No, don't get people in here unless you have blow.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Just drop off blow. He doesn't have blow. He's got his hat turned backwards, and he's got a Red Bull, so he doesn't have blow. Oh, it's Red Bull. Yeah, it's Red Bull. All right. Back to the podcast.

Oh, it's Red Bull. Yeah, it's Red Bull. All right. Back to the podcast. What's interesting, Dane, is that when Roseanne was there the other night, she was very interested in the whole thing. She loved it. Yes. She was very interested in the whole way that the thing was set up.

And I'm like, yeah, but this is worse. All right. See, sometimes you don't feed stray dogs. Listener, crazy people jumped into our room. No, no, Dane, Dane, Dane, Dane. Hold on.

I got a mirror. Oh, okay. I see what's going on. The point was... Just don't talk. Don't talk and stand outside. You're fine. You can listen. We're little babies.

Where were we? Roseanne was talking about how it is very interesting the way this is set up. But we really don't know. We're jumping away. We haven't gotten to Albuquerque yet. Oh, shit.

El Paso. We did El Paso. That was our trial run. Right. Then we did Albuquerque. Oh. Can I make one point about El Paso? The kids from Mexico came over.

Juarez. From Juarez. And they were amazing. They were great. They were so funny. They have their own show, and I love those kids. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. We should give them a shout out. They were so funny. They have their own show, and I love those kids. Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Yeah, yeah. We should give them a shout out. Yeah. I forgot about that. Kids came from Mexico to come see us. That was awesome. Noelia. Yes.

Yep. Noelia. Yeah, they do their own shit. Their show. In Juarez, which is a scary fucking place. Yeah. And they do their show in Spanish, and they have their own Spanish comedy show. Yeah.

I'm going to get them. And they came to our show, and it was fantastic. They were wonderful. I wish I knew what the name of their show was so we could plug it. Go to Juarez and just definitely... Just Google it. Google it, motherfucker. Yeah, they were great. Okay, anyway, now...

Oh, that's where the handicapped parking comes into play. Because we have Christine Levine's handicapped parking. Yes. We came back from the El Paso show. You're Doug again now, by the way. No, I'm letting everyone else know why I keep jumping from names. We come back from the El Paso show back to the hotel, and I'm shit-faced and irritable because I'm weak. I have no real act to stand on.

Whatever. And the handicapped parking spots are taken. And the handicapped parking spots are taken. So I'm checking to make sure that the people in the handicapped spots are really handicapped. And there's one that has no handicapped plate or sticker. And those parking spots anywhere, we figured we were in with the handicapped. Yeah, we're fucked. So you're livid. Yeah.

And I'm like, no, I'm going to... So I call the police. Not 911. I call the non-emergency number. Because I'm a pleasant angry drunk. I'm like, there's someone.

I want this car towed. And then the fucking hotel people come out. You tell them I got a fat that can't walk this far. You don't understand. I think I did say that. I probably said that. So the guy had the handicap placard on the dashboard,

not on the rear view mirror. Because he was so handicapped, he couldn't even put it onto the rear. Alligator arms? His tiny little deformed arms. He's like, I only wish I could put it on. My grabby sticks in back. So then I

looked like a dick, and then we periscoped my apology to the front desk. I don't remember it. It was funny. But follow at Doug Stanhope on Periscope. It's still there. Yeah, we...

I thought they go away. I don't know how it works. I think 48 hours it goes away. Yeah, yeah. But we've been Periscoping every night so far from the tour and we'll continue to do that. Well, bingo. Have we talked about this on the podcast yet? We're still in El Paso?

Yeah, we gotta get to Albuquerque No that's fine I just want to make sure that everyone is caught up to where we're at And that's square one still We've never done We haven't told people what Bingo did With the tasks Let's go through this

And then do that aft on the break Because I want to read some of mine. Albuquerque. You have more El Paso? No. I just thought it was great. Then we go to Albuquerque. It's a fucking, what, five hour drive?

Rock and roll club, standing, hot as fuck. Hot as fuck. It's a launch pad. Yeah. I love that setup. It's got that one weird... The hotel isn't weird. It's the blue.

Hotel blue. Hotel blue, but it's overlooking a heroin park. Yes. It's like Copenhagen or Oslo where junkies just shooting up across from a nice... It's a motor inn, basically.

If I had black and white film and a telephoto lens and I took a tight shot, I could tell people, hey, I got some of these pictures from Woodstock. Yeah. I mean, there are people

that crashed out and wrestling and smoking weed. It's a motel where you look like this, where you go out your door and you're on a balcony, a motel like that. And every time I went out to smoke out the front door, I would look down on the park. And it's a homeless encampment. It's a homeless encampment and then about 9 o'clock at night, two cop cars pulled up in front and it

was like a roach bomb where every homeless encampment crunched down and everyone fled. Actually, the sprinklers went on about a half hour after that. None of them ever want to get water on their face.

No. Are you kidding me? That'll harsh my bones. Oh, geez. Hey, that reminded me to write down Maggie for Fort Collins as a note. Speaking of a wet dog smell, we'll get to that. All right. Albuquerque.

I remember the cocaine. So that. All right. Albuquerque. I remember the cocaine. So good. Jesus Christ. I totally underestimated the quality of the cocaine in Albuquerque. Yeah, it was good. Because I did a rail so big, and then I'm like, uh-oh. John Travolta in Pulp Fiction? Yeah.

Holding his nose. Then I'm like, thank God I'm going. Needle in the heart. Thank God I'm going last. And then I went to the bar, and I ordered ice water, God I'm going. Needle in the heart. Thank God I'm going last. And then I went to the bar and I ordered ice water. And I bet I drank nine ice waters. I don't know what else to do.

I'm just pounding these ice waters. And still, when I got on stage, I had to just admit it right when I got on stage. Can't hide it. Yeah, I'm like, well, it's going to appear that I'm eating an invisible Subway sandwich right now. Because my jaw is like. That was funny. That's why I don't do it before. I clock out and then I do it.

Jesus, that saved my set that night. Because that night, Albuquerque, standing room. Rock and roll venue. Super hot. We've done it before. Yeah and roll venue. Super hot. We've done it before.

Yeah, three times. It was a late show. It's a great place, man. The staff was amazing there. They were all great. They were super fucking wonderful. They stayed open late for us. I was drinking vodka Red Bull in the hotel before the show.

I go, yeah, I heard there's coke there, but I'm not getting... Day two of our tour, I'm not getting into fucking cocaine. I gotta maintain, and I'm an old dude, and blah, blah. And then the guy breaks out the fucking coke in the green room, and I go, no, I'm good, I'm good. He goes,

it's pure. Hasn't been stepped on. So good. He goes, no, it's pure. Hasn't been stepped on. So good. Like, pure, pure. He goes, no, it's pure. Not cut at all. And I go, am I going to miss out if I don't do this? Because I never did acid where I saw Hunter S. Thompson,

grandmother crawling up your leg with a fucking machete in her teeth shit. Yeah, I tripped. Yeah. But only a couple times have I done blow where it actually numbs your face. It's always a monetized version of blow. It's like someone's

making, yeah. A couple. So yeah, fuck it. I just do a a double bump you put out a line i did two uh one third of the line yeah and i snorted it and my lips got numb it didn't touch my lips my lips got numb i. I'm like, oh, this is fucking good. And I was never jawing. There's no... I just felt alive.

Blow like... Blow like it will be when blow is legal like pot is legal. And I had no problem sleeping. That's the other thing. There's no gack or no weird... Not for me anyway. It was fine. You guys should have done as much as I did. Yeah, we didn't go balls deep in it.

I had the charming and the non-sleeping thing. Yeah. But that was a fun show. Maybe not as much for them as for me. I don't know. Well, now I'm finding out that it wasn't as much fun for me either. Oh, Chaley, you have one job i know don't do the blow i do want to say thank you to chris for bringing out the posters the two posters he printed posters for us i want to say thank you to brett brock who is actually

the guy who did the artwork uh on the poster and tracy's the one who actually actually the guy who did the artwork on the poster. Tracy's the one who actually did the layup of the graphics. Fuck Tracy and her dumb birthday. Brett Brock and we're doing a revision on the poster. Thank you guys very much. Let's move on quickly because we're in Colorado

Springs is where... Looney's Comedy Corner. Yeah, Looney's. Legendary club. Okay, so this was great. This one was crazy. We show up after Albuquerque. That's what?

That's a fucking... Was it a six-hour drive? Jesus, this is a fucking drive. Five hours and 19 minutes door to door. Brian Tribble Hennigan. We'll call him. Fucking drives. That's why we're so fucking beat

every goddamn day. Well, someone didn't do coke the night before so we got through fine. Yes, we did. Thank you. I wore a high mask. I actually took a Xanax in the morning for the first time. Maybe ever. Didn't understand that.

I was so fucked. Just shaky and weird. The next day, he's taking Xanax. Anyway, Colorado Springs. First of all, we get to Coloradoado springs and they tell us they tell chaley there's a guy that's been sleeping in his camper van oh yeah for two weeks oh my god waiting for our show he was uh when i got there because i i advanced the show so i go first and and if i got enough

time and i had enough time and i wanted to see the green room because we had another thing that was going to happen that night so i go there and there's this there's it's a big uh shopping center and then there's looney's is off looney's comedy club it's a standalone like a lot of comedy clubs in a strip mall that's been there since fucking 1989 but this one's not but it's a standalone. There's like a lot of comedy clubs in a strip mall that's been there since fucking 1989. But this one's not. But it's a standalone building. This is a standalone building. So there's no cars except the one guy, Lauren, whose car is parked right in front of the front door because he's loading in stuff.

And then there's this weird camper, like the Toyota one, the front end, like the old. But it's got this big back end. I'm like, hey, who's the camper? And he goes, that guy's been here like two weeks. He was like circling around Wendy's for a while so the cops wouldn't catch on. But he's been here the last couple of days. I'm like, wait, for the show? He's like, yeah, big fan.

Big fan. Big fan. That's creepy. And I'm like, wow, this is going to be weird. And can I just go to the end where I met him? Meanwhile, I'm back at

the Holiday Inn Express. And suites. And suites. If you can find them. Maybe. We're going fucking down this road. I don't have it. A week before, two weeks before,

Christine Levine here was at my house, and I said to her, you know, I really wish Roseanne Barr could see your set. Yes. Because you are so like the next generation Roseanne Barr, and she would so appreciate what you do. And I had said that, and then two days after you left my house, Roseanne out of the blue says,

Hey, I'm coming to your Colorado spring show. Oh, I don't know how this happened. So this is awesome. And I'm like, you have no idea. This all fits into the being less atheist bit thing that I haven't added in yet. Anyway, so Roseanne, I'm like, fuck, we're going to get, we'll hook you up with a hotel. We'll get you in the same hotel. We'll get you in the same hotel. We'll get you a suite.

Brian found the only place in Colorado Springs that has a suite was the Holiday Inn Express. And when we get there, I haven't told either you or Brett, because Brett and his fucking Mitchell are the biggest fucking chatterbox gossipy motherfuckers ever. Don't fucking look at me. I agreed with him 100%, and you know it's true. We couldn't tell anyone. You and I are the only ones who knew.

And we were like, fuck, we gotta tell him. And he's like, no, let's just hold on. What I really wanted to do is fuck with like, no, let's just hold on. Let's just hold on. What I really wanted to do is fuck with you, Christine. But it didn't work out. I wanted her to let me tell a story. Yeah. No one's stopping you.

I know. I was getting ahead of myself. So Roseanne shows up. There's no suite for her. I'm sorry. We oversold the thing. That bullshit. That bullshit fucking airline thing.

You defrauded us. No, no. Because we were oversold when it came in. And they were so apologetic. And I said, you're going to make me look like a smack dick. You know, that's for Roseanne. Well, we have her in a regular room. Well, I promised her a suite.

Write Roseanne down on the, you know, she hasn't shown up yet. We've checked her in. And I said, write Roseanne Barr down on. Whatever. That's a slip to check in yeah thinking the girl at the front desk will go oh rosanne bar she doesn't know rosanne fucking bar at that point she's just writing it down and apologizing she's a 17 year old girl I can't yell at her. Well, you can blame it on me. Nah, I'm not going to. All right. But it's, yeah, they don't give a fuck.

Your lame reservation system, I should blame it on you? The manager on the wall, the manager, Denise, I think her name was. Yes. I'm like, hey, is Denise here? Oh, no, but she's coming. Tell Denise that I need to talk to her. Denise comes out. I'm outside smoking, waiting for Roseanne to show up. Roseanne's coming in, trotting in all alone.

She had two bags. Huge. She had bags like I would pack for six weeks in the UK for a night in Colorado Springs. She had just played in Denver. She did a one-nighter at Comedy Works. She was stumbling with all this. Her bags weighed more than she did. And at the time, the manager is out there now.

Denise is out there over. Denise is out there. Over-apologizing to me. I'm sorry we don't do this normally. Listen, this is an anomaly. We always take care of our people. And I think it's because she knows Roseanne Barr is the one she's fucking over. She finally caught on. So Roseanne comes in.

She goes, I go, all I'm asking is that you tell her yourself why she doesn't have a suite. Because I promised a suite for her. For her and her luggage. Yeah. for her. For her and her luggage. And as she's walking away saying when she gets here I'm going to wait for her to get here. I go she's here right now.

And Roseanne comes in. She's like us when we show up at a gig. Just get me in the fucking room. And she starts apologizing to Roseanne going, I'm sorry. This doesn't happen often. And we were oversold.

And I really apologize. All I can do is give you points on your rewards card. And then at some point, her eyes light up and she's like, she looked at me over Roseanne and said,

is that Roseanne Barr? She like mouthed it to you? Yeah, she's mouthing it to me. And fucking fell apart. I'm like, yeah, I've been telling you that the whole fucking time. I'm gonna look like a smack dick if I promise Roseanne Barr. She's like, yeah, I've been telling you that the whole fucking time. I'm going to look like a smack dick if I promise Roseanne Bartz.

She's like, I don't give a shit. I'll sleep on the floor. I don't care. And then we walk towards the elevator with the regular room that Roseanne doesn't give a shit about. She just wants a drink like me. Roseanne doesn't give a shit about. She just wants a drink like me.

And she's like, Sir, sir, after she's done this whole apologetic, I'll give you more points. We don't work like this. Within fucking three seconds, the Holiday Inn Express

in Colorado Springs at the Bijou street exit. Can all of a sudden on the snap of a thumb, sir, come back. We'll give you a different key and give you a fucking room. A suite. Uh, yeah, yeah. You had a room that after I bitched at them, Brian Hennigan called in and bitched at headquarters. The manager comes out and bitches at me.

Yeah, I'm sorry. There's nothing we can do, but we'll give you points. And there's people staying over. Oh, it's Roseanne. Yeah, you get a sweet. Oh, I just recognized it's the Roseanne Bar. Yeah, it's Roseanne? Yeah, you get a sweet. Oh, I just recognized it's the Roseanne bar? Yeah. Fucking bullshit. By the way, I didn't tell you this.

When she first said, oh, it's a thing where we had sold out and you had bought it, but then online that was all bullshit. We know that. But then I just realized Hennegan is platinum with Holiday Inn. He bought it through their website. I thought he did itgan is platinum with Holiday Inn.

He bought it through their website. I thought he did it through Orbitz or something. No, Hennegan does the points on hotel rooms, and he's the highest rated. That's why she was so apologetic to me. She didn't know Roseanne was coming in. She thought I was a platinum member because he booked it.

Then all of a sudden, you know what? Fuck you lady. Fuck you very much because we will I'll call him right now. Alright, no, I'll wait. I'll call him. Remind me. Write that down. I'm calling them after the fact

we have two more dates to get through wait do you have to talk about Roseanne how we revealed it Roseanne comes on stage no we do the show I put what how did you reveal it to us

Brett and Christine didn't even know. So Doug is like, hey, I have some friends coming to the show. They're going to ride with us so they don't have to drive back to the hotel. I'm like, all right, that's fine. So we go back out to the Suburban. And Doug's like, dude, you climb into the back back. Third row.

Because basically you're the only person who can. That's true. I'm like, all'm like, alright. Hang on. In the meantime, I get Roseanne into the suite. I just need a fucking drink. And she drinks four

roses bourbon. Drinks one plastic cup of a drink of that and says, I'm fucking hammered. Literally within minutes. So we're up there. You guys get in the Suburban.

So I get in the truck. I'm sitting in the back. Oh, here come my friends. It's two ladies. One gets in the passenger seat and another gets in the back seat. Middle seat. Yeah, the middle seat of the Suburban. I'm making drinks in the back seat. And everyone's chatting. Middle seat. Middle seat. Yeah, the middle seat of the Suburban. And I'm making drinks in the back.

And this crazy lady in the passenger seat is talking to Shaylee. Like, I want to take your picture. This is our driver. And I'm like, this is a crazy woman. She's wearing a ball cap. She's got sunglasses on. I'm like, whatever. Wearing pajamas.

Yeah. At some point point she turns around and like we're introduced she's like oh this is my doug's like this is my friend rosanne this is jen uh who turns out to be rosanne's daughter this is jen and rosanna i'm like hi you guys am i making drinks like i'm still not i i can barely see her because she's tiny now and she's hidden by this fucking seat and i'm like all right that's fine and then she's but she's tiny now and she's hidden by this fucking the seat and i'm like all right that's fine and then she's but she's yapping away like a fucking tie hooker you know like and all of a sudden as i'm making drinks like she says something to to the she turns around like to the back of the truck

and she says something she calls you brian well that's we haven't got that far yet but she says something and all of a sudden I'm making drinks, and the ice I'm pouring into the cup stops in midair. That's fucking Roseanne Barr. She looks great. She looks better than she's ever looked. Ever. Ever.

That's not the giveaway. The giveaway is the voice. The voice is exactly the fucking same. It hasn't changed one bit. And that's what the giveaway. The giveaway is the voice. The voice is exactly the fucking same. It hasn't changed one bit. And that's what hit me like, oh, fuck. That's fucking Roseanne Barr. And then she's like, hey, Brian, isn't it great doing stand-up? Don't you love it?

And I'm like, yes, Roseanne. It's great we can do this. Isn't it great we can do stand-up comedy? Oh, she's so funny. It's such a great. And then you show up. And then I was late because I didn't get the call or text to come down and you came and got me.

You were late because it was one of the days of the tour. Ha ha ha. It was a day to end it in Y. Dirt to dirt. And I got to the car, or what I thought was a car. And I go out to the car or what I thought was a car and then I

look. I open the door and I see two ladies in there. I don't know. And I go, whoa, I'm sorry. Wrong car. You opened the door like yeah, you thought it was the wrong car. I said wrong car. And I tried to shut it and then somebody maybe with you go, no, it was the wrong car. She thought she was in the wrong car. I said, wrong car. And I tried to shut it. And then somebody, maybe it was you,

you go, no, it's okay. Get in. Yeah, and I opened it up. And then I see, okay. And then, Christine, I want you to meet my friends, Roseanne and Jenny. And I was like, oh, okay. Hi.

Hi. And then it slowly, very slowly sinks in who these people are. I finally am like, oh, hi, Jenny. Hi. And I tried to shake Roseanne's hand, not knowing any...

She fist bumps. She's a Howie Mandel. I fucking hate those OCDs. I mean, I didn't even know really that that was her. I was just trying to We should get her a shirt or some kind of a badge.

Yeah. She definitely... You still didn't know? No. No, not at that point. I was just shaking her hand because I was like, okay. The headrest was in the way. It was perfect.

Yeah, I had no idea who she was. And then I get in the car and I look at Jenny and I'm like, you look familiar. But I didn't say that. I was just thinking it. And then when she turns around and she talks and then it was like, I don't know. It kind of felt like I was drowning. Like I was just slowly sinking to the bottom of the ocean going, and I didn't know what to do.

I was like, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool, be cool. And I didn't text anybody and I didn't tell anybody and I didn't like, not taking pictures, be cool, Christine. Oh, God. And then I wanted to say something to you because I knew like you did you planned it everything that you've been doing that day was all sneaky shit like a like i had to keep my mouth shut i'm so bad at keeping my mouth you are and then you were trying to get rid of me

and then i was like and then you were like oh we're gonna go to denny's so which was a clear like you all you never not asked me to go eat. You always want me to eat with you. Actually, we just went to Denny's. She wasn't coming for a while. No, no, but you guys were talking about it. You're too fat to walk. We saved you a meal.

Come on, man. We're friends. No, I asked you beforehand. You go, I think I might just go swimming and shit. Me and Chaley went to Denny's right away. I was hungry. It was our date night. Just fucking settle down. No, I had nothing to do with it.

Roseanne wasn't coming until later. I thought you were still planning on talking. Well, anyway, I thought you guys were all being sneaky, but then it all made sense to me, and I felt like, oh, I'm a princess. You guys did this for me. That was the sweetest thing. Well, we did all do that for you, except for the Denny's part. She was my present.

Well, anyway, okay. I feel like I got cheated out of food in this whole Roseanne thing. Goddamn, that was the best Denny's meal I've ever had, too. Yours was good, too. We shared that one meal. Yeah, we split pancakes. And then there was free pancake day. It was fucking weird.

Well, and then? You didn't miss anything. I did keep my mouth shut. You did. It was amazing. For once on a fucking. It was hard, man. It was one of the best surprises.

I mean, it was the best surprise I've ever had in my entire life. I'll let you read the Twitter feed where I listen. You have no idea. I'm still pissed that you don't think I could have kept that a secret. Fuck you. No way. Oh, without a doubt. Don't start.

Oh, shit. All right. You're going to get pissed. It's better the way this turned out. It worked out perfectly. I actually woke up a couple mornings ago going, thank God I didn't fucking tell Brett Erickson. Oh, stop. You're lawyering the mic.

Lift up the mic. Good. So then we went to Looney's. Had a fantastic drive. Okay, so now we go to the gig. Went to the Looney mic. Yeah. Good. So then we went to Looney's. Had a fantastic drive. Okay, so now we go to the gig. Went to the Looney's, yeah. When Roseanne texted me saying, hey, I'm going to show up at your show, I go, hey, I won't bust your balls to do time like you.

She had showed up at a San Francisco show a year earlier saying, I might, I won't do time. I want to see you, though. It was meant to be. It's a long story. Anyway, I won't go in. But she showed up with her notebooks. And she had just done the one-nighter at Comedy Works?

No, no. The first time in San Francisco. She showed up with her notebooks going, I'm not going to do time. I'm like, yes, why would you have your notebooks? And she goes, maybe I will, maybe I won't. And right up until the emcee was about to announce her and she told the manager, kill, cutthroat, sign. And all right, forget it. But then she started doing stand-up again uh this time

i go i'm not gonna bust your balls but i'm gonna bust your balls she goes i want to do time that was great i got and then she's texting me up until the gig i got five minutes and she goes shit and when i introduced her i introduced christine levine as i always think of her as a lot of people call her the next rosanne bar and christine goes up and crushes thank you and thank you for that gift too thank you well i told rosanne that, listen, you go up whenever you want. I'm going to look at you and you give me the high sign the next comic.

I asked her at first, the next person has been called the next Roseanne and I'm looking at her and I didn looking at her. Waiting for the sign. And I didn't get the sign. So I said to Christine, I said, Christine Levine,

and Christine crushes. And then I said, after Christine gets done. Then you did some time. Yeah. And then I said, hey, the next comic has been named the next Roseanne Barr. And people laugh thinking I'm just fucking up. Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne Barr. And she went up.

Did 20 minutes. It was fantastic. I walked in when I heard the screams. And it was standing up. Everyone's applauding. She absolutely crushed. And then she did 20 minutes. Absolutely fucking destroyed. She got a standing

ovation when she walked on stage and off. It was amazing. Two minute standing ovation at the end. Oh God, it was so beautiful. Yeah, she was great. And not because she's famous because she earned it. She really was funny. The first one because she's famous. The second one because she destroyed it.

And then Brett Erickson had to follow it. And Brett Erickson destroyed it. Hey, can I put in Brett Erickson's opening right now? Yeah. To the show? Right when you got introduced and the first few things you said after Roseanne left the stage. No, I can play the actual audio. Oh, do it.

Yeah, that's good. Right here. We'll put it right here. And this comic coming to the stage, my beautiful friend, Brett Erickson. Yes, Brett Erickson. Yes, Brett Erickson. Thank you. I was standing in the back and I was trying to think,

I wonder if there's any other comedy legends that could come up on stage and somehow make this easier for me. I don't suppose Bill Cosby is here. That might swing it in my favor. If someone could push his blind, rapey ass up here and we could throw shit at him for a while, then we would all feel better about Brett Erickson. Fuck.

Doug Stanhope. Roseanne Barr. Christine Levine. What a fucking night. Yes. That's weird because we're not going to hear it right now. Yeah, no deal. Actually, you know what?

If you would drop that right now because Chaley, you only have one job. Yeah. Is to drop the audio and sell merch and drive us everywhere. Drive and fill it up. Make the hotel arrangement. Don't do pure coke. Don't do the coke. Make sure I get all my shit

to the car. Get us breakfast. Pack it. Sell the merch. Wake up Christine Levine because she doesn't answer her phone. You have one job. Got it. Job. One job. One job. Babysitting. Simple.

Simple. Yeah. Work out the GPS. Do the podcast. Edit this. You have to edit this because you have to get Kevin Brown's, Kevin Brown. You have to take the name Kevin Brown out of it every time we say Kevin Brown.

Every time we say Kevin Brown, we can't say Kevin Brown. I don't get paid by the word or the letter. Oh, shit. Yeah, we're at Looney's. Are we going to keep going? We're out of ice. Everyone needs a drink. You need a drink and have to pee.

Yeah. Let's finish Looney's. Roseanne. Let's finish this podcast. Fuck it. What are we at? Hour and 14 minutes. That's my guess.

I'm saying hour 14. What do you say? I think we're at 52. I think we're at 58 Hour and 14 minutes. That's my guess. I'm saying hour 14. What do you say? I think we're at 52. I think we're at 58 minutes. Hour 34. God damn it. I would say hour 34. You should have said it before I revealed it.

That's our lawyer. That's why he's our lawyer. Fort Collins. You build by the hour. Let's have a fucking rapid cycle through this. Fort Collins. I had more fun in Fort Collins than even the Roseanne show, which was coming down from the Roseanne show.

We thought it was a throwaway gig. College Town, very hospitable. Kyle Pogue ran this. Kyle David. There's a huge fertile comedy scene in Fort Collins. Mallory also.

Mallory, Mallory yes thank you for not fucking Mishka Shabali I'll always remember you for that respect yo yeah it was a beautiful show Dave Caldwell in the front that audience member that just laughed the number one comedy fan

he was amazing there's a few guys like that Freddie I think is the Cleveland guy. Anyway, Cave Maggie, a homeless person. If you're a fan of the podcast, Cave Maggie showed up. Homeless Maggie, she's on the road again with her stinky. You fucking stink so bad. You can never get gigs, but we're

working on it. But the songs are so good. She went on stage and crushed with a new song about Planned Parenthood. Oh my God, was it good. She got a fucking standing ovation at the end, too. That was the

most fun we've had was Ford Collins, I would say, of the entire five shows. And she thanked us with a very sweet tweet for you and Chad. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was fucking amazing, that tweet. HD fatty tweet. Yeah, she tweeted out, thanks for letting me open for the three comics on the road. At Doug Stanhope, at Brett Not Brent,

and at HD Fatty. Who she thinks was me. Right. That's Chad Shank, who's not with us. She just assumed because Christine is fat that that was her Twitter. She's not good at Twitter. She's new at Twitter.

So when she knows at HD Fatty Oh that's obviously that lady My co-host and bouncer Security he's out of security Yes the guy that makes this podcast Palpable We're really missing him right now

HD Fatty that must be Christine No Christine is At Christine Levine You put in Thanks for letting me have Must be Christine. No, Christine is at Christine Levine. You put in, thanks for letting me have a great show at HD Fatty. Such a fucking beautiful accident. It was amazing. And she felt so bad.

She's still texting me going, I'm so sorry. And if you've read the book, Digging Up Mother, fuck if you haven't bought it buy the fucking thing buy it on amazon we're selling them at the shows yeah because i'm gonna write another one victoria was the girl that i moved to Phoenix for to start doing comedy in Phoenix. And she's the one that left me for a cheap trick lighting guy. And she's still fucking funny. She's been a junkie for 32 years, and she lives in Fort Collins. And we did a podcast with her,

and we did audio book excerpts director commentary with her about her time in the book and the shit we remember and she's fucking still she is like me of junk i don't ever make any bones about the fact that I'm a drunk. Like my lawyer, just we celebrate it. She's been a fucking junkie for 32 years and she's hilarious. Chaley had to leave the room because he didn't want to laugh in the background because she's just talking. Everything out of her mouth. You want to

laugh out loud and i knew i was gonna have to edit part of it so i wanted to actually hear it for the first time and be able to laugh and not stifle it but she fucking every and she had so rich with detail that you fucking she should be writing a book not you she fucking had it man everything she she primed the pump with you so much. I'm like, oh, dude, no. You came alive. Yeah, it's great. Can't wait.

Can't wait for that. She would be my co-host on this podcast with Chad Shank. Oh, my God. If I did the podcast as the Howard Stern show. It would be Chad Shank. No, no, she wouldn't be Wag Pack. She would be... Well, Shank's your Robin. Robin Quivers? Yeah, Robin.

Sorry. Yes. Well, if she's coming to the fun house, then I'm getting a chain for my wallet. She's still sketchy. No, you'd be Baba Booey. She's still sketchy. And, you'd be Baba Booey. She's still sketchy.

And you'd be Sal. That's fine. She did tell us that the hotel we were in... Who'd be Sal Richard? What? She did tell us that the hotel we were in was on the right side of the tracks because across the freeway was where all the sketchers were.

All the tweakers, yeah. Which made me feel good. Billings. We're going to wrap this up. We could just do Billings on the next night off, on the next podcast. Billings, yeah. No, dude. We'll do all. Billings. We're going to wrap this up. We could just do Billings on the next night off, on the next podcast. Billings, yeah. We'll do all the rest of it. Billings was quick.

Billings, the Montana tour is Lucas Seeley is a Montana comic who owns Montana. He's a great comic. Him and Wayne. He's a great booker. He's a great host. The entire state. So we show up in Billings, and we get gift baskets. Yeah.

Like we're at the Oscars. Swag bags. Yeah. The hotel knows us. With everything we need, chocolate, water, like all kinds of stuff. Yeah, and the girls at the front desk, they weren't like- The girls at the front desk, they don't know... The girls at the front desk, they don't know us, but when we show up, they go,

oh, where's Christine? Oh, they're treating us so good. Yeah. They know our names. They've been told they have baskets with gifts. With our names on them. With our names. Color-coded.

And the girl. And I still don't know if her name is. I'm going to fucking. I'm drunk dialing right now. Kayla is the girl that we saw. Hang on. Hang on. Come on. No, let's finish up.

Let's go to a breakthrough. No, I'm drunk dialing. Uh-oh. Kayla is the girl that we saw at the beginning. Shut up. Let's go get out. We're pissing that. No, I'm going to drunk dial.

Because the girl that we kept fucking. There's no point in drunk dialing right now. Why? Because you can't put it on the phone. Or on in that. No, I'm going to drunk dial it because the girl that we kept fucking with. There's no point in drunk dialing right now. Why? Because you can't put it on the phone or on the podcast. Yeah, I can put it on a speaker phone. Ay, ay, ay. Meh, meh. Hey, if you guys think I was too drunk to be doing this podcast this long,

you can complain because I don't give a fuck. I don't give a shit. Tell us a story while I dial, give a fuck. I don't give a shit. Tell us a story while I dial, lady. Oh, well, Roseanne and I had a lovely conversation about aliens and stuff at breakfast the next day. And it was really funny because, like, I know all about that stuff anyway. My husband, the magician, the warlock, just fucking talks about it all the time. So everything she knew and was telling me about, I was like, yeah, I know that. I know about the Bilderbergs.

I know about the whatever. Anyway, we had a lovely conversation. And then, you know what, babe? She did something really motherly to me. We're talking, and she reaches over and pulls some lint off my hoodie and then got rid of it for me. It was just like, oh, here, I got you. You're a slob.

Hey, is it Robin or Rachel or Sydney or Ashley there? Jordan? Nope, you called yesterday looking for Ashley, man. None of those people are here. All right. Hey, is there a super loud, you're on the air, by the way. Is it okay if you're on the podcast? It's totally not. Have yourself a good night. Fuck off. Oh, the air, by the way. Is it okay if you're on the podcast? It's totally not.

Have yourself a good night. Fuck off. He hates you. Wow. Totally not. Whoa, he hates your guts. Oh, why? Why is he mad at you? He said that you called the other day looking for Ashley. Why is he mad at you?

Did you call the other day looking for Ashley? No, I didn't call the other day we were there last night right oh my god what a dick that was a real dick oh well that didn't work out yeah anyway uh listen we're gonna end this but after we're done i I'm going to fucking repeatedly call that cocksucker. You called the other day asking. Asking for Ashley. I think you mentioned somebody else. I think a lot of people call for Ashley.

Oh, that's her name. That's why you called. You wanted to confirm her name. Well, I still don't know if it's Sydney or Ashley. He said you called the other day. He confirmed it. You called yesterday asking for Ashley? No, we left there this morning.

Didn't he just say you called the other day? Yes. Then that's it. That confirms that there's an Ashley there. There is an Ashley there, yeah. And her name tag said Ashley. Yes. All right.

So, yeah, we fucked with the front desk. Lucas Seeley set us up so well that all the front desk people were waiting for us. And this girl is either Ashley or Sydney. We've established it's Ashley. No. Is that enough proof? Our lawyer. Is that enough proof? Her twin sister kept saying it was Sydney. Maybe don't know. We've established it's Ashley. No. Is that enough proof? Our lawyer, is that enough proof? Her twin sister kept saying it was Sydney.

Maybe that's her twin name. They're fucking weird. Twins are weird. Anyway, the girl that checked us in said, okay, you have to sign here that you're not going to smoke in the room. You're not going to have any loud rock and roll, super loud rock and roll parties. And I go, well, no, I have actually, I have four rooms.

And she goes, all right, you're going to have to sign on all four of these. You're not going to smoke in the rooms or have super loud rock and roll parties. She kept saying super loud rock and roll parties. So that became a thing. Super loud rock and roll parties. So that became a thing. So we kept walking through the lobby, and I'd be on my phone going, yeah, super loud rock and roll party going on tonight after the show.

Yeah, we need glitter bombs. Yeah, no, four glitter bombs. And we need a super soaker with baby oil oil and then i'd walk out the whole way walking and then i'd walk back in on the way back from dinner going yeah oh hey the escort service yes do you have a oh you don't have asian girls do you have african americans or midgets as people are checking in i'm just yelling this the whole way. And then Erickson walks in after I do one of these runs and says. Yeah, I'm like, excuse me. Can I help you?

I'm like, yeah. Is this the place where the super loud rock and roll party is? Room 228, I think. Maybe I heard. And then Doug walks right back in behind me doing another fucking phone. Midgets! Why can't you find midgets? Is this not America?

Let's make America great again. What kind of super loud rock and roll party is this going to be if we don't have midgets there? And we carried this through. That was before the show. After the show, we're walking in. I made her call the manager. Her twin sister works the front desk, and I

start talking to her, and I say, call the manager and say, listen, there's a super loud rock and roll party. And she kept a straight face, but the manager waking up out of bed at three in the morning didn't

buy it. Anyway, we're sorry for fucking with you, Clock Tower Inn. Hey, have you ever been to Billings, Montana? Stay at the Clock Tower Inn. What do you think about the Clock Tower Inn? Brett Erickson, you're a world traveler.

It sure made me feel right at home right at home as though you're in a clock tower just putting a scope on targets that's right just like that guy in austin texas in a clock tower that shot all those kids. Clocktower Inn. Fall in love. Make sure you know which twin it is. Fall in love all over again. You have a nice voice. Thanks.

I did radio for a while. I can tell. Hey, Clocktower Inn. By the time you hear this, it's going to be too late because when you made me initial for no super loud rock and roll parties and no smoking in the hotel initial here initial here initial here initial here i initialed

all those places but after i smoked with your uh hot twin sister in three o'clock in the morning i smoked in the fucking room like a motherfucker. But what did Greg Chaley come up with? Well, the trick to smoking in a hotel room, and I don't smoke, is you just have to find something more offensive and more awful that isn't illegal to do in the room. And we have found Axe body spray. It's disgusting.

You spray that all over everything in the fucking room. Doug is a slob smoker, and it's everywhere. And, yeah, you do this. And I just buy the little one at Target, so I don't want to invest. I should have done it for the tour, though, because now we're already out. He can't smoke until we get to Target. And what you got there is the Axe Apollo. Yeah, this is the Apollo.

You spray it into the air conditioner before you turn it on. Or you could take a towel and soak it on the towel and then lay that in front of the air conditioner. Isn't it gross, though? Spray it on the ironing board. Spray it on the things that don't get washed. This started when we used to rent vans when we went on the road. We'd rent shit.

No smoking. You've never been charged? Never. the road we'd rent shit and no smoking you've never been charged never no not if you not if you leave a bag of shrimp for three days in the back of the van it's not smoking sorry it's not illegal. No one says, oh my God, someone smoked in here on this three-day hot trip in Louisiana in August. Hey, I think I forgot something in the van. They don't say anything about the smoke. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.

And to rub it in, you call Avis or no, Enterprise Rental Car and go, hey, I think I lost some shrimp in the back of that van we rented. Itinerary number IT73714. It's a considerable amount. Yeah. We'd like that back actually It didn't smell like cigarettes I was like that when we got it

I'm allergic to cigarette smoke If you ship my shrimp back to me I won't sue you We'll call it even Oh god Hey let's play the Maggie Let's play the Maggie May song out from the show in Colorado. Cave Maggie. Maggie O'Shea.

Fort Collins. Oh, wait. Her Twitter handle. Do you want to do this now? What? The intervention on Cave Maggie. Let's save that for next time. We're going to her again all right yeah we'll save that for later because i think she's coming to missoula yeah no but wait she needs it i know she could be she could be booked everywhere she sneaks into

we'll get to that later all right bye uh next time cave maggie we're gonna play cave maggie uh play cave maggie out she did the fort collins show the uh ukulele isn't that loud because she Next time, Cave Maggie. We're going to play Cave Maggie. We're going to play Cave Maggie out. She did the Fort Collins show. The ukulele isn't that loud because she just had the microphone, but it is a fucking hilarious song, and you guys should hear it. It's fun. And follow her on Twitter. All right.

And if you ever get in trouble in Missoula, Montana. Have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated? What you going to do? Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey! Have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated? Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey, what am I doing over there? You come pulling me over for what? I'm going to call my attorney. What's his name again?

If you've ever been inebriated, then Kevin Brown will take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown, you motherfucking... I'll call my attorney. You gonna tase me? I'll tase you, motherfucker. Kevin Brown. He'll tase you with the law. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much for coming out to the Boot Grill and Comedy Club tonight.

Please give a huge Fort Collins round of applause for your opening act tonight, Miss Maggie O'Shea. Hey folks, how taking it all in. Sorry. I'm Doug Stanhope's homeless hippie friend who hitchhikes around and bothers people for money and food and whatnot. And, yeah.

Well, he told me that you guys might need this song here in Fort Collins, so I'm going to start with this one. I went to Planned Parenthood to get tested for STDs. Gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, and herpes. The nurse who drew my blood was a gorgeous black chick with cute little braids. I said, do you want to go out sometime, provided I don't have AIDS? She said, I'll let you know in three to five business days. She said, I'll let you know in three to five business days. Then a bunch of ghost abortions burst into the room

They said, how dare you sit in a place where we were ripped out of the womb You sit in a place where we were ripped out of the womb The fetuses screamed and it suddenly seemed Like we all were totally screwed But I said, hey, I've got something to say I think you may have some things misconstrued You see, the world's not what it's cracked up to be I eat out of a dump. There's mosquitoes and also genocide. There's people who support Donald Trump. There's poison in the food

and air. There's oil and shit in the water. Do you think the human race is kind? Even Gandhi raped his granddaughter. True. We're hardly eco-friendly. We're like Mother Nature's pubic lice. And if you weren't born white and male, well, you wouldn't have too many rights. In fact, most people envy you. At some point, we all wish we weren't born. Cause why would you wanna live in a world with so much

tentacle porn the ghost said wow that's fucking gross no need for more explanation guess we'll go check out hell instead I hear the gays made some new renovations It's the hottest new club in the afterworld We're sure that someday you'll see For now good luck on your fucked up planet We hope you don't have HIV For now good luck on your fucked up planet We hope you don't have HIV Wow. Wow.

You guys are so nice. It's ridiculous. I got kicked out of here earlier for not having a ticket. Yeah, so anyway, I know you're sick of me, so without further ado, Doug Stanhope!