The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #155: Horrible People Tour Wrap Up and the Reason I Will Be Dead On Aug 29th

Episode Date: August 10, 2016

Doug, Brett Erickson, Brian Hennigan, Bingo and Chaille go over the second part of the Horrible People Tour. Also, a Chris Fairbanks (@ChrisFairbanks) clip from the tour and more Cave Magghie.Pre-Order Doug's audio book at Audible.com - HERETake a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope.Recorded Aug 03, 2016 at the Castle with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brett Erickson (@BrettNotBrent), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Chris Fairbanks - @ChrisFairbanks   Chuck-A-Rama - Get UR Chuck ON!   Aug 28 - The Dive Bar - Las Vegas, NV   Tour Poster Artist - Brett Brock - @HuskyBoyo End of podcast is Magghie O'Shea (@CaveMagghie) performing one of her original songs to close the show at Boot Grill and Comedy Club in Fort Collins, CO.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" on Amazon , Barnes & Noble.  Get a SIGNED copy at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right. Jesus. Just hit play. We're going. We're live from the castle. This is Doug Stanhope with Greg Chaley and at Mr. Hennigan and Brett Erickson at Brett, not Brent. And at Bingo Bingaman.

Bingo is here. It's like a full gathering of the Spectre organization. It would be a circle jerk, but we're at a square table. Yeah. We're high aloft the Hollywood Hills. Trying to wrap up this tour on a podcast, but I haven't made it home from that tour. It really is. I got close. I got to Phoenix and home from that tour. It really is.

I got close. I got to Phoenix and then, oh, you got to go. It's the same for myself and Erickson. We were talking about it because we just met up with you now. I drove home from Phoenix after dropping you and Erickson off at Sky Harbor. And then you guys flew elsewhere. And I took Christine home to Bisbee. To get her car to go back to tucson yes and to do

wash i made her empty everything out on the picnic table out front when i found out that she also was scratching quite a bit after the econolog oh yes oh okay well let's do this chronological i'm just saying that's what happened and i have not had a break i got home basically took care of all the shit for the merch. Yep. And we fucking drove to Phoenix, and now we're here. And I found out Erickson, same thing. No stopping. No.

So this really is the end of the tour. After this, we will be done. Maybe. Maybe. We'll see. Things get weird here. And I just want to say well done, you guys. I'm fulfilling on that tour.

I went nowhere. Well, we were worried that people would bitch about me hosting, but I still did as much time as I would do otherwise. It's complete. I just didn't want to do it all in a row because it wasn't fucking solid, and it still isn't. It's unconventional to have the headliner, who they thought they bought tickets for actually start

the show. Whether you tell them you're going to get the same amount of time or not, it has to be explained. That was the only difficulty and it was never like fucking bullshit. It was, oh, okay. And then we were tweeting that. Be there first because Doug does the announcements, the sponsors, and

it goes up cold. I'm willing to wager there are cultures in the Be there first because Doug does the announcements, the sponsors, and it goes up cold. Yep. So I'm willing to wager there are cultures in the world where the headliner would go on first. Well, fucking what does every late night talk show host do? A monologue up front. They go up front and then they do the entire show with guests. Mm-hmm. We just happen to have really funny fucking guests.

Since we last left you after week one of the podcast in Bozeman. Ah, Bozeman. Then we went to Missoula. And Missoula, which is a fucking great town and that is actually a great club.

Wait, we didn't talk about the Bozeman show we were there the day before oh yeah we went thrifting new new to you our bozeman uh thrift store i don't have bozeman in my notes you want to take a break tell me tell me uh bozeman bozeman we played mixers oh with the stage that the setup stage that you know, that we had to work to get Christine onto. It was two steps up. Yeah. And it shook like it was a special effects prop from Earthquake 79.

It's like if you took a double wide banquet table and set it on bowling pins. Totally. But only had on bowling pins. Totally. But only had three bowling pins. We're only worried about Christine because she's 691 pounds. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, I'm kidding you. 691 pounds. I believed it.

She's a gal of size. I actually announced that at the beginning of the show when i walked up and i'm swaying like it's the fucking titanic going down and i said listen we usually say no cell phones but when christine levine is coming to the stage make sure you capture this when it all collapses it's gonna be to be a Patton Oswalt moment. You ever seen that video? No. Last year, Patton Oswalt was on a stage and it collapsed.

He literally went... On film? Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. That's what I always bitch about. People always want to film your show, but when there's a heckler being violently removed, no one picks up their cell phone, and that's the one that gets hit.

Me working out new material, no one cares, and it just makes me look bad. But, yeah, Heckler being violently removed, but that's – we'll save that for Missoula. That was the next night. Way to tease it. Bozeman, I don't have any fucking notes on Bozeman. What do you have? Well, when we walked in uh doug and i walked

in the day before and i saw what i thought was going to be our stage which was basically a cut out it looked like if you're going to have a cock fight that the high walls and it would be where the announcer would stand yeah and then the cut out the eye patch the cut out where the guys would go in and scoop up the dead chickens that's that where I thought you guys – and there was a brass pole behind it. I'm like, oh, this is awesome. This is going to suck so bad. But Lucas and Wayne actually brought – Lucas Seeley.

Lucas Seeley and Wayne Wilcox. They're the ones who set up all the Montana shows. They actually set up a stage and pipe and drape behind. PA was horrible, but that's kind of what the theme was for Montana. So we were, uh, Brian and I were here talking about people that could possibly tolerate runs like this.

Yeah. Like just all the shitty living. Hey, you're going to have to double bunk. You fucking share a room with fucking whoever Erickson or stop go or, and fucking sling hung over into the suburban and pile on and there will be bugs and hennig he goes there was someone i i i was sure you've never used before and i can't remember who so I just started going through my phone. And I got to Lucas Seeley.

And I'm like, why is that name familiar? That's how fucked my memory is. This guy just booked all of the Montana run for us. Did three of the shows with us. You introduced him. At some point, we relabeled the tour, the Horrible People Tour. I guess it was when Roseanne showed up the first time. It was in Billings that night.

Christine and I were talking about, like, you kept, like, setting up the show as Horrible People. I go, Christine, why don't we, wouldn't it, it should probably, why isn't it Horrible People? Because you keep saying it. I kept saying it every night because everyone had horrible stories of you know yeah being a shitty person and uh then when lucas sealy was doing a set i'm like all right except for lucas because he's this sweet fucking samoan kid or whatever he is he's happy he's a happy person half chinese so i demanded and he closed i'm not gonna tell the joke but he closed on a joke that was super fucking dark.

I'll tell you afterwards. Find Lucas Sealy, because I'm sure that's one that he wrote and goes, I can never use this with my happy Hawaiian guy Don Ho of Montana act. Who called him the logo for the Cleveland Indians? That was me. That was Brett Erickson. That's what I said. I'm glad that he said he was Asian during his set

because I was going to accuse him of, I thought he was Native American, except that he has all of his teeth. It looked like the Indians logo. But if any comedians are wanting to tour Montana, he's your guy. He's the man. Absolutely.

With Wayne. Yeah. Where did we get so uh bozeman uh the the pa was set up on one side of the stage they stacked two uh two-way speakers on i didn't notice that because it's so unconventional and it really is the only place they could have stacked two speakers so it made sense to some degree but other than that it was fine it was just a weird it was a weird room well we had already kind of written it off in our head when we saw it initially and then had a day off. Days off.

We don't rest. That's when we drink even heavier. That's when we start at noon because we can. Because we think there's rest coming, so we might as well start drinking now. See, that's why I like to give you many days off. Because I just know I'm trying to protect you. Mission accomplished. Thanks, Dad. Yeah.

Thanks for that 535-mile drive between Fort Collins and Billings to do a show. Wyoming is a beautiful place. To speed through to make sure you get to the gig on time. It's just that not many people see all of it in one day. I hope to see it someday the the my takeaway from bozeman the right after the podcast was over where we were just shit-faced and then we continued on with that is attorney kevin bunked with me and no one in the history of the world snores as loudly as that motherfucker does. Not even Levine?

Not even close. Not Norm Wilkerson? Not Norm. Banjo Randy? Oh, now that's possibly close. No one living. No one living. No living person.

I took video just for the audio, and I was texting you guys, because you were on the other side of the wall. I'm like, there's no way you can't hear this through the wall. It was mind blowing. Someone tweeted me saying, Hey, what was the name of that lawyer? A DUI lawyer in Montana that you didn't add for in your last podcast. And I couldn't remember his last name since we've met him. We could never remember his first name. I could only remember Fred. And I go, Fred was the guy who owned the cabin on the Yellowstone in Livingston. But what's... Because he's in my phone under Sue and Kev.

Sue was his friend. Anyway, we're moving on unless you got anything else from Bozeman. You don't hear it right now, but that snoring is Kevin in the background. Sweet. That's it. Yeah, I've tuned it out. It's like tinnitus. Eventually you don't hear it anymore. That's how you overcome all noises, by the way. Have I ever told you that

Buddhist monk thing? Oh, something, hey, da-da-da-da-da-da, something from Smartfuck Magazine from Brian Hennigan. Yeah. So you read all sorts of tips about how to minimize distraction when you're traveling. And I mostly read these tips to think, A, that's wrong, or I know a better one, but I'm not going to tell you lot. Or I know a better one, but I'm not going to tell you lot.

So this is one of those tips that actually works, which is that, and it came from Buddhism, which is this idea that you should not avoid problems, you should confront them. So when you're on a plane and there's a baby crying, you should actively try as hard as you can to listen to it. And what happens, and this is where Buddhism overlaps with the neuroscience, is that at some point your brain goes, I can't do this. It's like it gets bored because you're trying to make it do something. Focusing so hard. Yes. And then that's how you actually are able to zone it out.

And then that's how you actually are able to zone it out. All right. So when you stared at the map of Fort Collins to Billings going, what a miserable drive. Let me imagine how miserable a long drive this will be. And eventually you didn't care about us. Even more. Well, I think you could take the eventually out.

It's more of a sprint than a long distance run. That should be added to the contract next time the new comics step in the van. That probably works for smells as well. Why, are you talking about smelly comedians? Well, I'm just saying, that's tight corners in the suburban. But surely, don't you have discipline in the suburban? No, we had Stern and some podcasts. Yeah, we don't know this. We don't know discipline.

I thought I could read. I brought that fucking Chad Shank, who was desperately missed. The last time we did that tour, the first time we did that, we called it Dinosaur Rides Tour. Chad Shank was there. Yeah, he was desperately missed and missed on the podcast by you, the listener. We'll find him eventually

if I ever get out of here. Gonna get some Chad Shank. We go to Missoula. Missoula was monks. That was the underground bar. Yeah.

Met up with, uh, Chris Fairbanks. Tried to, uh, try to eat at that sushi place, but it was like fucking taco Tuesdays version of dollar sushi. So it was out the, but we found the fucking greatest bar and the greatest bartender. And I hope I remember her name. Do you have it? Bethany? No.

Bethany? No, no. It was a B. It was at the Oxford. Yeah, it was the Oxford. Yeah. And downtown Missoula. You don't remember her name?

I don't remember her name. I want to say Bree, but I thought it was Bethany. She couldn't go to the show because her boyfriend and all of his friends were going, and she had to work. But she was like, oh's doug stitt like she was so excited that fucking great dive bar and that's where uh i did my bingo task of putting five butterfly band-aids on my face while i ate let's say let's take a let's take a nobody said anything to me as if yeah that's pretty standard for the Oxford. Yeah, some guy with his face all bandaged up.

Let's talk about the bingo tasks for a minute. Bingo, every day on the road, we had to start the morning by picking an envelope with our name on it out of a giant box. How long did that take you? I'm sorry. Bingo's laying down. It was like a vanity box. Like an old 50s vanity box, like a pillow top.

And it was full of different color envelopes. And each one had a limerick where she tried to personalize something she Googled. No, I got a little limerick book and I tried to personalize it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's not like you're writing

these old school fucking limericks. There once was an old sot. Bingo doesn't know what an old sot is. Hours and hours. What gave you the idea? It took me forever to do that. Well, I just wanted us, because this is like the first tour

that me and tracy weren't going to go on in um in a long time so so i wanted to create something for you guys that would be fun that we would get enjoyment out of as well because every day we got to ask what was your task what was your what was your mission for the day and and we get videos or um always pictures some periscopes and I did some videos at the end she was going out to Floyd's shop miners and merchants in Old Bisbee

and just finding weird shit so would you find weird shit and develop the task around it I had to in the end I got about half of them done and then I was like, my brain is just fried.

I couldn't think of anything else. I think this bears mentioning, there were 12 tasks for each person and each envelope was color-coded to, like mine were all yellow, Erickson's were all green, so that we would reach in and grab one of our colored envelopes

and we would do the tasks. So you specifically made some tasks for the person in mind. Absolutely. Absolutely. I can't describe this baby. Erickson's almost ready. I remember, the one I remember, Christine's not here, that I thought was fucking hilarious. It was like one of the first nights, and you put a little doll.

And it was a little porcelain doll, probably about as long as your thumb. Something that would fit in an envelope. Yeah, and it had these little waggy arms. It was just creepy looking. And the task for it, she read the limerick, and then the task was she was supposed to put that little doll somewhere creepy, like hide it somewhere for someone to find it. And she was going to put that little doll somewhere creepy, hide it somewhere for someone to find it. And she was going to put it in this...

You said inside the coffee maker in the hotel. She was going to put it inside the coffee maker where you put the coffee in. So when you open it up, and you had to make a little bed for it. And she ended up putting it in the freezer, in an in-room hotel refrigerator, and it was fucking so great. Yeah, a freezer big enough to hold one of those travel trays of ice. Not even

a tray of ice. That was a good one. And Erickson had a good one that we got in Salt Lake City. That one right there. Yeah. I don't know where I got that. I feel so bad. It's the opposite of a Zika baby. It's a giant-headed, cross-eyed baby.

Yeah. Here, my task is here somewhere. Let me look. Because I have all of them. So, yeah, this picture is this kid. There's that one. Why is it, of course, at the bottom? I don't even have that one.

Okay. There's that one. Why is it, of course, it's at the bottom? I don't even have that one. So I have this wallet-sized photo of this big hydro, what is it? Encephalitis? Yeah. This giant waterhead baby, cross-eyed.

And it's like the picture's even water-stained and old and creepy. And my task was to go up to people and just explain to them that this was my baby. You had to name it. Name it and give a back story and just talk to them about it. And when we did it was when we were leaving Salt Lake because Christine had to go to Western Union to do some business. So we're in a Mexicanican strip mall in salt lake city and christina's

western she's like telegramming some money home and yeah so then i just walked two days before she's gonna be home she has to fucking western union so i went in and the guy behind the glass doesn't know we know each other and i like elbow Christine out of the way, and I put the picture of this kid up on the glass. Slapped it on the glass. Yeah. We're old. This is my boyfriend, and he's in prison. And I'm like, I love that.

This is my son, Rudy. Look at him. And he's like, yeah. I'm like, this is Rudy. Is he great? And he goes, yeah, he's not here. And I'm like, I'm not looking for him. He wanted you to take a look at him.

Oh, that's great. Yeah. And then Christine was great because she's like, excuse me, sir. And I'm like, ma'am, this is important. And I kept making him look at it. And he's like trying to type on his little keyboard. Levine crushed on the road. But Jesus, when you go, because again, morning rage, we have to stop.

Let's just get the fuck out of town. That's what you do when you wake up with those kind of hangovers. Just get the fuck out of town. There's shame somewhere back there. There's always some shame. I don't remember what it was. We'll figure it out when we hit the border. And we're going to stop at a Western Union.

So then I think it was the next task we were reading where I'm going. There once was a man from Nantucket. Stop. You send telegrams to you fucking use western union when they when you make a call does it say this call is coming from a penal institution who uses fucking western union well they need money for food who's they her boyfriend and her roommate or something. I don't know. Wow. You know what?

She's that funny. You put up with some nonsense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you also mock the fuck out of them, too. Oh, yeah. No one did that. Well, the problem is she's the main breadwinner and then eats most of the bread. I'm sorry, Christine, could not be here to not be able to defend herself. Well, we're on kind of a steep slope.

You'd have to reinforce back on the car coming up the hill. Oh, no one gets, I just get cranky at anything at that hour, but Hennegan holds on to it. I remember one time where she's like, yeah, they say I can't rent a car. We booked her on some gig because you have to have a credit card and I only have a debit card. You're 40 years old.

You don't know that you need a credit card. Yeah, she couldn't facilitate renting a car at the age of 40. But she's getting better. Now she knows how to use Western Union. Ask the boys to find one. She's all the way up to the 1880s.

So, yeah. No, we're in Missoula now. We haven't even gotten to this shit. The show. The show. we hang out at the oxford go to the show i have to walk two whole blocks with christine and she's like my face is gonna melt so the next day no i said there's uber in town you're like i'm not doing that i'm not getting getting an uber for two blocks i'll walk slow with you and bingo has made me she hates brian and i speed walk everywhere it's the only exercise i get because i if i'm going somewhere i want to fucking get there uh my future is still in front of me yeah i remember the last time was on the road with you and christine was in san no sacramento and she was support punchline and and the uh the hotel was across the street it was like a three lane on each side so

you had to walk down to the traffic lights to cross and after and then it's in a mall it's a big lot spread out yes upstairs oh by the second, we were just saying, we'll see you back at the hotel. Yeah. Because it was just taking forever. Well, she's 703 pounds. Uh-huh. Yeah. If she's a day.

Really? Yeah. So we get to the gig. Gig's in a basement. Actually looked pretty cool. But it just, Fairbanks shows up chris fairbanks chris fairbanks his hometown which is randomly he contacted me about some other side thing and they asked me what i was doing i'm like yeah i'm on tour with doug doing montana he's like shit i'm i'm in

montana where you're gonna be he's from missoula he was just home visiting so he came out to hang with us you forced him to do i forced him to do it and uh which is the worst when you're in your hometown and you of course you want to do well like he was so nervous i mean he crushes he's so fucking funny but he was actually nervous before this gig because he's in his hometown and you know it's a rough it's a bit of a motley crew in the audience. The problem was their lighting was shit. Like if lighting for comedy is important, if the lights aren't on you and they can't see you and you're in darkness, it's hard.

It's hard to, for them to stay focused. So they get drunker and drunker and drunker until they get yelly. Yeah. That's when you have to fucking dance all over the stage, like Chris rock to keep a moving target. That's the difference between comedy and jazz. Jazz would have been a great light.

Yeah. And you can talk over jazz and no one goes, hey, I'm playing up here. That was one of those things where since Doug goes up cold and all the lights are on now, it's ready for the show. He's stepping like where the mic stand was. Your face was in shadow until you came off stage and i told you you gotta move back a little bit yeah i i can tell but i didn't care i still wanted to lean in and yell that's that's it that's what's counter to comedy especially our kind of comedy is we want to get closer to them and lord over them yes but because but the more you do that the darker your image gets you you're

only in the light if you're 15 feet back on the stage they've come to see comedy not pan's labyrinth smart fuck reference hey two of these people laughed at that it's not you well only because i didn't want to appear stupid. Wait, I mean stupidly. I could have counseled you on that one. So it's from the beginning of the show, it's contentious a bit. There's a couple people yelling back. Oh, that's right. You got the email today.

What? About the show. I haven't checked fucking email in a year. No, no, I got one from you. I got the guy's name, yeah. Because he... Oh, the guy that got fucked over. Yeah, I have checked some emails. Yeah. But, I got one from you. I got the guy's name, yeah. Oh, the guy that got fucked over. Yeah, I have checked some emails.

But I mean, I haven't responded to them. You're on the exact same thing. I check my email if I quickly scan to see if it's important for business, and if it is, I forward it to the appropriate Chaley or Hennigan, and then I'll get back to it. And now I'm

up to almost 3,000. I might be past 3,000 unanswered, unread, only scanned emails. But yeah, this kid showed up and he didn't have his license had expired. You got a name, Chaley? What's his name? We'll give him a shout out. Is this the Michael Missoula Fuckwits? Was that the one? had expired you got a name chaley what's his name we'll give him a shout out this is uh is this the michael missoula fuckwits was that the one the one kid had a 41 no i must be a

pseudonym it was flagstaff anyway i'll just drop her and mrs fuck the guy that showed up at flagstaff and he didn't realize his license had just expired and he was drinking at the venue all day and then they clear the place for the show because it's just a bar room and then they wouldn't let him back in because his license was expired and he drove a long way and spent 60 bucks for him and his girlfriend and he could have watched up through the window but we'll get to that well that's flagstaff back to missoula you had a guy who contacted you mich, and he said thanks for coming to horrible people, blah, blah, blah. But he was apologizing for the meth-y ass bag who got booted.

Oh, he says where he works. He knows the guy has a nickname. No, that was the second guy who got kicked out. He talked about the first guy who got kicked out during Chris Fairbanks. Local town boy does great, comes comes back and they heckle him uh i think christine went up first on that show yes then uh it was lucas it was lucas oh fuck that's right we had five comedians and it was christine got long oh i got a lot of them got really long we'll figure out how this formula works there are five good comedians it's not like

yes but i mean but d Doug doing Time in Between, it starts to shape up to a long show. I can't watch two and a half hours of comedy. If Hedberg came back to life and they reanimated his corpse at like an hour 15, I'm like, I'm good.

That's why Lynn hates you. So anyway, the one guy, I mean, Chris Fairbanks, the first part of it was front-loaded with shut the fuck up. By that time, I bring up Chris Fairbanks, and someone

just immediately starts shit with him, and he snaps beautifully. Oh, he fucking destroyed him. Well done. Get in here. What's that? Tourette's? I'm gonna go ahead and field

questions from you waterheads. You have the exact voice of people that limp out of Walmarts because of Sugarfoot. I saw you come in but I didn't know you'd be vocal. I saw where you went and now the voice... It's nice to put a voice to a face. You limpy Sugarfoot fuck. You outskirt...

God damn it. I had my second feeling. If you look at this, it's like a comedy club. Look at you bouncing, you meth head. Go scratch your sores on your neck, you fuck. Sit down, you dumb shit. Sit down. Someone sit him down.

Does no one do MMA in this town? There he sat. Now that I have your attention, let me do some puns. Fucking can't. You get all riled up and then I gotta... Fuck, I almost invited my dad. Thank God. fuck I almost invited my dad thank god

zoo town maybe it's true maybe this place has turned into a zoo it used to bother me zoo town you mean this quaint valley village yeah it's like a zoo everyone's going nuts

let's get a lion tamer to be mayor everyone's like a lion shut up you waterhead god damn it fucking shut up oh my god I can see your face you fucking fat headed fuck shut up oh yeah puff up your fat belly

you fucking yeah Wendy's chili thanks for pointing to it oh yeah puff up your fat belly fucking yeah Wendy's chili thanks for pointing to it who are you and where I'd love to meet your parents and tell them just roll out a Santa sized scroll of how they went wrong God I fucking I'm so I was happy all week I came here to like scroll of how they went wrong.

God, I fucking, I'm so, I was happy all week. I came here to like get unhinged. No, it's alright. I'll fucking do it. The funny thing is, he's probably a family member of mine. Like, it's probably a cousin. He had the same shaped head as me. It always has. I get nervous when I do stand-up in my hometown. I know that guy's coming.

Because he's... Facebook friends with my mom. Anyway, Florida, I had a horrible show. It went like this. Just fucking, like, just repeatedly. And the guy stood up, and they fucking had to drag this guy out again. No one's filming. It is a dance club.

They didn't know that they should get involved. And then when they finally got that guy out, they manhandled him right. They threw him up the stairs. We were in a basement. It was a basement. That's a fact. It's in a basement. They threw him up the stairs.

Then Jacob, the security guy that I had known at work in the door, I go, hey, dude, thanks. Was that all right? I go, yeah, absolutely. That's what we do at comedy shows. We like them to pay attention and not heckle. Well, then they took it upon themselves to get rid of a local town drunk named Last Call Paul. Last Call Paul. Someone emailed me.

That guy's known as Last Call Paul. And he was a... He's a dishwasher at a local restaurant. And he didn't realize it was going to be so heavy-handed. His heckle was so much tamer. The first guy who got thrown out lasted 10 minutes longer than he should have. I was going up after Fairbanks, and since the first guy, since no one was saying anything to the first guy, I went into the back of the room. I sat next to him, and I stared at him for five minutes so that i could absorb him

so that i was ready when i went up there because i knew i was gonna have to deal with him and then i left i went to the bathroom and while i was in the bathroom he got thrown out and i'm like oh i just stored up all this negative karma on this bitch so the next guy who got thrown out last call paul last call paul the the bouncers were so on point, like, we can't let this happen again, that this guy said, bleh, and they went, stroink, you're gone. It's like that scene from Brazil where all the fucking black stormtrooper fucking ninja-covered people smash through the windows and extract. Zero tolerance.

Given that you're in a basement i hope that they they called the way that they throw the mark jacob's ladder anyway uh but fairbanks was like really like upset i'm sorry to do that to your show and you go no that's what these shows are all about and And you crushed it. He thought he threw you under the bus by getting so angry and then pitching it back to you. I'm like, dude, that's kind of the way it goes. Because when Last Call Paul left, he was done. And he's like, oh, now I have to leave.

I left him nothing. But no, that's fine. And Fairman is so nice and so funny. He stole my opportunity to have someone violently removed. He stepped on my dick that way i want that to happen during my show now you had to tell jokes and then rely on my weak ass new material the first email i got from fairbanks after that the next day was because we went back to the hotel because we were all hammered yeah fairbanks was like let's go out and have some drinks and we're

now we're done the next the i got an email he immediately is like who let's go out and have some drinks. I'm like, no, we're done. I got an email. He immediately is like, who do you think is the first fucking person I ran into at the bar? Last call, Paul. He went out drinking with his friends to celebrate his hometown. Still, same fucking heckler. Fairbanks being in town, there's a buddy of his who's still in town who rallies everyone and will go and physically pull them out of their house, sitting down to their stew dinner with their family and three kids, and make them go out. And that's what happened that night.

And that was the guy that you were in the bathroom with, with your pants down and your shirt off. Oh, jeez. I don't even have that in my notes. I figured. How did that not make the notes? Because I didn't remember it. I'm sitting in the van.

We're parked right out in front of the club. I've got all the merch loaded. We've saddled. We're done. And Christine's in back. She's ready to go. And then I look. I go, what the fuck?

Doug calling me? I thought I was meeting him up here. So I call back. You won't answer. I go into the bathroom. And I get to take a. There's three urinals. And the middle one's open, and everyone there has been at the show, so I'm going to have to chat with my dick out. So rather than make it awkward, I made it awkward-er.

I go, all right, listen. I'll just pull our pants. This is an old Ron Putnam and his buddy Neil gag they would do at ball games. Pull your pants all the way to your fucking ankles at the urinals. The long stand up urinal. Like you're a four year old taking his first urinal pee.

Yeah, so I go, let's all do this and wait for the next guy to come in. And then we extrapolated that into let's get completely naked except for our pants at our ankles so we all have our fucking shirts and so it's just three of us and we're just gonna wait for the first person to walk in and see us and act like nothing's out of the ordinary i didn't know they'd thrown everyone out of the

bar so we're standing there for like 10 minutes butt naked he's calling me i'm trying to call chaley to at least get a picture someone come yes i think we're finally i i don't know i i oh i think i duck walked over to the door and yelled at someone from the staff to come take a picture. And they did. And it never showed up on Twitter. I'm like, tweet this at me. So you're starting like a fucking tableau,

like some fucking art scene. Yes. The worst supper. Will that guy to your... That was funny. I'm sure I've seen David Hockney's picture of this. Keep going. The guy to your left was Fairbanks' buddy.

The big tall guy with the beard. No, I'm just saying, that's the guy. He knows the name of the bouncer that threw a fucking guy out and knows who I was pissing next to. I'm at the gig for a while. But that is the guy who then they came upstairs and I'm like, why is that guy's pants up? Now him and another guy did it to a car that was next to our car to recreate. We're just fucking pulling our pants.

They pulled out in front of the club. Their pants were down to their fucking ankles and they made sure everyone got the shots they wanted. And that was the guy I don't even know if I was aware of that but this is Missoula yeah yeah on the street this is going to be the longest fucking podcast because we haven't even got to Idaho

Falls which we're at now which hold on so let's wrap this up go go find Chris Fairbanks on Twitter and all of that. He's an amazing comic and he's fucking fast. He was great and I hated the fact that

he felt bad about it. He was fine. He was fine. He's so good. He's one of those guys who crushes and then feels like I didn't do as well as I could. Like, no, dude, you are amazing. He's the John McEnroe of comedy. The one thing we got to say, that, Hennegan,

I don't know what your process is, and I love you, and I know it's a tough job, but honestly, that fucking, that Motel 6 was Which one? Oh, yeah.

In Missoula, right off That's my fault. Is it? I was so busy that I told Brian he could book travel which he should never do in montana because there's all those great motor lodge well kept from the fucking 60s this one at three o'clock there's people drinking beer barefoot and barbecues on their books just had a motel sex right next to the most gorgeous U-turn motor lodge.

They were putting in inner tubes and floating down the river right alongside where the gig was, but nowhere near us. Our Motel 6 has people that live there just drinking beer. They hear a car roll through, and they're all out on their deck wondering what the fuck. There is no deck out there. Blinds. It was horror. no deck out there. Blinds. It was hard. That was. Yeah.

All right. We're going to, at the end of this, get to the best and worst of the tour. Let's go. That wasn't the worst. Oh, no, it wasn't. We're not even close to it. Wait, we got. But the worst was the best because next was Idaho Falls.

And this was special to me in that this fit into I'm gonna die on August 29th because we played Idaho Falls at the Peppertree Lounge the Pinecrest Inn which was and still is a staple 25 years later of Tribble Gigs that was one of my first Tribble gigs ever. And we go down where we played there. I'll just stay there. And then when we get to Flagstaff, I'll tell you the rest. The Pepper Tree used to be like the shining light of that run with Tribble. 1991 when I first did it and it was a beautiful not a beautiful hotel but for a triple gig it was a nice hotel and it was packed out for comedy night once a week yeah and in 25 years it has not weathered well, nor have I.

Yeah, still going. It must have been drinking every night for its career, too. Christine had the best line because we toured the... The pepper tree is actually... The pepper tree itself from the outside looks awful. The inside is not bad, but it's still like stuck in the 80s. But it's fine. With the lights out.

The pinecrest is just... It's still stuck in the 80s, but it's fine. With the lights out. But the Pinecrest is just... It's falling apart. And before you even describe it... Wait, hang on. This is a hotel inside a hotel lounge. It's part of the hotel. It's part of the hotel. Which is normally a bonus.

You're like, yes. Except that the Pepper Tree is a separate building from the complex, but it's still attached to it. Yeah. But the hotel, but it's still attached to it. But the hotel itself, it's this two-story. One story is sunken, so the second story is still just basically ground level. And it's this giant U-shaped place with a pool, but all of it's completely dilapidated and the pool's empty and it's run down. So what you're saying is-

Christine had the best line. We did a whole tour of it, and it's all like there's holes dilapidated and the pool's empty and it's run down. So what you're saying is- Christine had the best line. We did a whole tour of it and it's all like there's holes kicked in shit and it's all there's piles of rocks. I tweeted a great pile, giant pile of rubble like Baghdad. Seriously, Baghdad right at the artist's entrance. Like rebar coming out of fucking- That was Christine's line as all of us were walking through christine goes this looks like a hotel in beirut and we were like that's exactly

right like this is where cnn would stay yeah cnn would stay that was my opening line i've been doing comedy so long i played here when it was nice. You're thinking, why did I pay $30 for this shit? We're thinking, why do we pay $50 to stay in this hotel? But it was the only one of the dates when I talked to you about it. You were genuinely excited that I'd booked it. Yeah. No, I was ecstatic.

It was so bad, it was hilarious. But the puppetry, just to be honest, honestly, the staff was great. The lounge itself was great. Like, it wasn't, I mean, it was stuck in the 80s, but it wasn't, like, run down. The lounge itself was great, and the staff was amazing. Rob, the owner, has been a supporter of comedy for 20 years, and he's finally, he told me they're taking a break just because it's changed. I'm like change. It's getting better everywhere.

There's more rooms opening and he's just, I don't know what's going on, but he has to take a break. He loved the night. And he says he's got people that used to come there religiously and they've just stopped coming. Yeah. Cause Tribble's booking it.

Well, it's always been that way. And that's the, the, the gig on his run. He used to have runs where you do Pocatello, Idaho Falls, Billings. It was still fuck up the routing like Hennigan all the way to Billings and then double back to Butte.

The thing about Tribble booking his runs was that he had to route them in a way that the last gig on the run was the one that they had enough money in the fucking coffers to pay you because that's when you got paid. Even though they were separate businesses all the way through and they were one-nighters all the way through, you didn't get paid at each one because he was worried if you got your money, you would leave because they were so bad.

You had to do the whole run to get your money at the fucking smart that's smart yeah so that brian would uh yeah if he was if he took right now brian's doing respect when you look at a lot of country behavior in business you always think oh that's what i'd do yeah it was very interesting for a place that has been doing comedy for 20 years. Oh, that was probably 30 years. We had at least 70 pre-sales. Yeah. And we walked in there. Doug and I walked over there right when they were just opening up.

And Doug took one look at the room and he fucking, I'm out of here. And I look and there's a stage in the front. And it's kind of a long room with a stage on the middle of one of the long sides. And the dance floor. Dance floor. You tweeted a picture of this. with the stage on the middle of one of the long sides. And the dance floor. You tweeted a picture of this.

And they put two eight-top circle tables in the middle of the dance floor, and everything else was kind of pushed back to the furthest ends of the room. And I said, are we, is this the seating? She goes,

she looks, Mara, great. Bartender, it's not her fucking fault. She looks around and goes, yeah, this is how we do it. I'm like, oh, man. And this is the same guy who says, I don't understand why people aren't coming out exactly yeah

this also forgive me again very again i tried meticulously and repeatedly to book that venue from the day we started booking the tour it took the intervention of a local DJ Brett no Brad Brad Victor Victor to actually his part actually get them to respond yeah yeah I try I mean I mean I mean I tried every way there is to contact them I contacted them through Facebook and they read the message because I could see it and then did it I called the reception I've got no of who I talked to at reception. I mean, so the idea that what's gone wrong in their comedy business model is comedy has changed. I kind of skipped. Well, I mean, I'm telling you what he told me.

I know. When I walked in the room, it took an hour to get it set up. But that was, we were going to run into a problem because when I called you and I said, what's our pre-sales? We didn't have 70 seats there. Then they all started shagging seats. We pushed everything to run into a problem because when I called you and I said, what's our pre-sales? We didn't have 70 seats there. Then they all started shagging seats. We pushed everything to the front and took the fucking – Fucking Shaley took over. Once the show even started, there was a whole area to the left of the stage that was empty that Shaley and I – because more people were still coming in.

They sold more walk-up tickets where Shaley and I were like, all right, we found tables and the very very back like in a different room sure that shaley and i were like well let's carry these in like shaley and i the two of us carrying tables and chairs in for people who are walking in with us like here sit here like yeah you have to understand my audience are generally either alone or barely found a friend that would sit through it. So if you had two giant wedding banquet tables as the front row, there would be two guys at it who didn't like each other. Go the other way. Eight people sitting at that table means three have their backs to you, which is ridiculous.

It was awful, and Chaley, I knew, would fix it. I don't mean to the highlight of that fucking night was meeting the guy i think his name was alex it was alex right the glass eye guy oh hang on well let's get that i want to just set up i want to i want to set up my jump in the gun i'm sorry this was like three nights in a row in the summer in montana where we stayed at hotels that said pool closed with just rubble and empty fucking pool. And there was a hole in the wall outside of Christine's. There's a hallway that you go down and the rooms are on your right if you're walking

that way. And the outside is on your left with windows at ground level so you see the tires of cars parked through the window and there was a hole in the wall through the hallway into the parking lot that sunlight was coming through you could pass an apple through maybe that was its function i tweeted pictures where the ice machine was supposed to be. It's very ergonomic. There's just a giant hole in the wall where, like, someone stole the ice machine in the middle of the night.

It was so decrepit that it was hilarious. Yeah. And there's a difference. No one was staying there. I go. Weren't there workers outside staring in our window? With their kid? Their kid.

So there was this family that were doing some weird landscaping in the interior of this horse shape. Let's just say work that Americans don't want to do. The courtyard. They're hoping Trump throws them out of the country. At one point, I'm just laying on my bed watching TV.

Sliding glass door. Sliding glass door to my right. And I've seen this guy go by probably five or six times with a wheelbarrow full of rocks. Like, okay, they're doing shit. That's fine. And I could have closed my curtain. But at this point, I don't give a fuck. I'm not doing anything weird.

It's so close that it's like if someone was raking gravel next to your head while you were sleeping. I mean, that close. So eventually, as this keeps happening, eventually this little kid,

this little like maybe seven-year-old Mexican kid stops at my door and like puts his face up to it with his hands over his eyes because the glare is such that he can't see in but the curtains are open so he wants to see what's going on and he's like doing this for like 30 seconds and i'm just looking at him like you told me about that and 30 minutes later he's doing it at my door because i'm right next door

to you going when are these fucking guys gonna because i want to go out and smoke but you know i feel like he. I feel like he had to think, we've been doing this for weeks. No one's ever stayed here. I need to get a look at these people. For him, he's like at the Epcot Center looking at Tomorrowland.

It's a dumb world after all. Daddy, I see the future. You won't believe what they're doing in here. The cement was all pockmarked from throwing salt down. All of their hand railings, they buzzed them off with a fucking sawzall or something, so they're sticking up all rusty, and these guys are basically taking out one chunk of concrete at a time and moving it to somewhere else.

Making a pile yes make piles uh but because of that it's one of those gigs that's so shitty you go i don't even need new material i got it all right here and we had i'll say that was the most fun I had on a show. We ate at the Chuck-O-Rama. Oh, the Chuck-O-Rama. We drove around for 45 minutes. Brett's a vegetarian.

Mamou will eat everything. She's a breadwinner. We're just trying to find something everyone can agree on. Was this the baby spoon for me? No, no, no. We'll get to that. That's the last night, I think. Oh, wait.

No, that happened. No, that was on Night Off. That was Night Off in Kanab. Kanab. Kanab. All right. Yeah, we got to get to that. The Iron Horse, I believe.

Iron Horse. So I had the most fun on stage. It wasn't my best show, but I had the most fun there because, yeah, this is like a 25-year class reunion, uh people actually showed up and the crowd was great and the staff was fucking great and we had a staff was fucking fantastic smoking smoking you can smoke in the bar in the bar yes in idaho falls smokers why don't you explain that go to the pepper tree explain why you don't smoke on stage even though the venue will let you smoke on stage in a non-smoking environment.

Yeah, that's worth explaining again. Go on. Because as soon as you light up a cigarette, non-smokers are pissed off and smokers want to leave and go outside and smoke. If they said, everyone can smoke during your show, I'd do it. Yeah. But it's legal there they were i walked in and that was after seeing all the destruction of this fucking patel motel mafia fucking abortion uh i just saw ashtrays you were dealing with banquet tables and i saw ashtrays and i yelled at you across the bar as they're setting up it's not

open and it went chelly look ashtray dirty ashtrays this bucket place smokes i just want to say the chakarama buffet where you ate is ranked number 37 of 168 restaurants in idaho falls wow well we fly high huh we did we lapped all of idaho falls stopped at a couple thrift stores but we just trying to find any place to eat we could agree on and then we get back to downtown idaho falls and there's a billboard chukarama right next to the walmart that's where and we all went yep now we put our feed bags on it took us 45 minutes to get there but it's actually like eight miles from there. And that's another place that when you hit

a fucking buffet next to a Walmart and you have a large woman, large enough to have a handicap placard we can use. Handicap placard comes in handy. Handy. She's got one because she weighs

978 pounds. Something like that. Yeah. Right around got one because she weighs, what, 978 pounds? Something like that, yeah. Right around that. Well, after the buffet, it was a bit more. That was pre-buffet. But it was 5 o'clock at night, so it's early bird special where all the elderly come out, and then we jump out of the car with our handicap placard all looking fit.

Yeah. Yeah, someone with a walker doesn't look at Christine handicap placard, all looking fit. Yeah. Yeah, someone with a walker doesn't look at Christine Levine going, she deserves it. We were texting to Bingo or something about Chuck-O-Rama, so I was going to send her a picture. So I jump out of the car, I'm driving, and I go, hey, guys, let's get together. I'm doing one of these selfie pictures,

but I'm not looking at the screen. I'm just doing it blind. And I take the picture, and it's got's got the chukarama sign behind me and everything i take a look at the picture and it's me alone you guys are just fucking jetted straight into the chukarama we've driven long enough we're fucking hungry we need to get some chuck in us yeah that was fun uh so yeah fun i i remember i invited the entire staff to party in our room because I thought that was a good idea, but I only

invited them because I couldn't stand up. I was so fucking drunk. I realized the bar is still open. Thank you for not Oh, sorry. This is why. I want to say one more thing about the Chuck-O-Rama. We got to get to the eyeball. Yeah, I know. I want to say say one more thing about the Chuck-O-Rama. We've got to get to the eyeball.

Yeah, I know. I want to say one more thing quickly about the Chuck-O-Rama. That dovetailed nicely into my task because my task for that day from bingo was to use this word on stage somewhere in your very next set. And then there's a cutout from a dictionary, and the word is valitudinarian. A noun is a person in poor health or one who worries about one's health. And I opened with, I don't mean to be a valetudinarian,

but I ate at the Chuck-O-Rama tonight. And everyone just looked at me like I'm an idiot, but I looked at Shaley and Doug like, wink, like I did it. Task completed. Task completed. I don't mean to be a valetudinarian. There were a few use this word on stage things that she did.

I can't remember. Wool something. Wool gathering. Wool gathering. I think that was. That wasn't Mamu. That was Mamu. Yeah, I got mine in.

But anyway, thank you to the Peppertree Lounge in Idaho Falls for not coming back to my room because I could barely fucking walk. And mostly the people probably saw the periscope or have seen it since of afterwards with you. I think it starts with and I didn't remember this till Chaley brought it up the next morning. Someone some dude had this concave half chest, like he had a rib mastectomy. He had a sunken in half chest, and he wanted me to sign it. If you pushed your thumb into Stretch Armstrong, and it slowly inflated back, that's what it was. And it creeped me out.

He came up to the merch booth, lifting his shirt with this big depression, saying, can have a pen i go here keep it because i i knew what he was gonna do yeah yeah yeah so i signed this uh concave chest where that guy's ribs were removed and uh then the guy with the glass eye you you can find it i'm sure we'll put a link on the on the page somebody should give a description though the guy had a glass eye we were leaving i think i was selling merch i don't know what the fuck we were doing uh but he had a glass eye and he pulled it out and i go hey i want to spit that i want to try to spit that back into your eye like beer pong let's let's periscope this i tried twice i hit his cheekbone Yeah

I got close The best part was That of course You're not gonna I mean Even if you make it What if it's backwards I mean

It might not I mean The odds of this working But the best part was That he was so happy about it That while you were Like You poured beer on it

To like disinfect it Before you put it in your mouth But he But he is preparing himself And then like Spreading his eye socket Like an ass gaping video Like

Here And then everyone's like Oh Like the same response He is preparing himself and then spreading his eye socket like an ass-gaping video. And then everyone's like, oh. The same response. Oh, that's the worst part. But they're standing around. The spinning part is not even the worst part. It's the dude who's like, yeah, fucking give it to me. It's the gaping eye hole. Hit my hole, dude.

Hit my hole. But if I had to hit it, if we stayed around. Becker could have hit it. You know the videos? Not videos, but they use them in commercials. The guy that tried to make crazy basketball shots from the stands. Half court. And they'll just stay there for hours until they hit it. If I had stayed there for hours with good lighting and spit that glass eyeball into that tiny baby vagina of a fucking socket he was spreading open it would get

a thousand more hits on youtube than any bit i have from my comedy but we ain't got that kind of time not for us we gotta move and groove down to salt lake city all All right, Brian's catching up on the Smartfuck magazine to throw us some more facts, but this podcast's going a little bit long, so let's take a quick break, and then we'll be back after this round of cocktails.

Get yourself a cocktail. Hey, podcast listeners. Don't you worry, you people who keep tweeting me that can't read because the audio version of Digging Up Mother is now available for pre-order on audible.com. Audible.com, that's right, you're gonna hear a whole different version of that book you might have read or might not have read if you can't read. Don't you worry, we're gonna read at you. Not just me with my fucking dyslexic Bill Burr-like stutter. You might have read or might not have read. If you can't read, don't you worry. We're going to read at you.

Not just me with my fucking dyslexic Bill Burr-like stutter. How bad would that be to go, you're ripping off his stutter. His inability to read, he did first. Well, thanks to good editing at audible.com, it should be listenable. And if it's not, Chad Shank takes over chapter by chapter and we go back and forth with an entire

cast of the real people that we could find that would tell director's commentary of the Audible book. What'd you do? Somebody farted. That might be my breath. That might be your breath. Could be my breath.

That's my favorite thing yet. Someone farted. That might be my breath. That might be your breath. Could be my breath. That's my favorite thing yet. Someone farted. It might be my breath. It might be my breath. I'm just going to claim it. That's probably Doug's breath. I've smoked a fucking... That's what a good tour manager does.

Betty Lindstrom. We've got Matt Becker. Patricia, Sarah Hyland, Matt Becker, Victoria. Victoria we just met. The point is that compared to the brilliant... Actually, you're on it too. Two-dimensional representation is the book. Yes.

Audible is giving us a three-dimensional experience that wholly justifies repurchasing a product you may already own in printed form. I can't imagine you have a marketing past. Well, that just struck me. For instance, the Bible doesn't have actual stories from the people involved.

This book is that much better. Way better than the Bible. You heard it here first. Yeah. Alright, so the link will be on the podcast page at DougStanhope.com. And the main page. We'll put it on the podcast page at DougStanhope.com. And the main page. We'll put it on the home page as well. And the main page.

Whatever Chaley does, we agree with. So get the audio version. Pre-order it now. And it's out August 15th? August 16th. Okay, August 16th. August 16th. All right.

There we go. And now back to the podcast. Hey, one thing I didn't mention that I found in my notes. Idaho Falls was not the first but second time that during at the beginning of the show when I went out, that during at the beginning of the show when i went out chaley had to run up on stage and find duct tape to fix a fucking microphone stand that place does comedy every week for fucking 25 30 years what happened was when when i got there it was before you actually showed up and i went to make sure that everything was on and i get on stage and they saw from the bar, which is opposite the stage, they turned the music down. And I was just fixing to the stand.

It kept, the mic kept dropping. And it was just going to happen all night. So I figured I'd tighten it, right? There's no fucking tightening. It has a fuck. Yeah, it's just fucked up. But then I'm like, how come everyone's looking at me? And I'm holding the mic at my mouth because I'm trying to get everything set.

And I'm like, oh, they think the show's starting. This is it. This is it. No, it's not starting. And yes, it was the first of many nights. That whole hotel needed help with the duct tape. Okay, well, that was where we tried to charge our cell phones. Chaley and I bunk up in the same fucking hotel room.

Why waste money? We're just going to fall down drunk. And we couldn't charge our cell phones because it was so – it was like every outlet was like a mother of nines pussy that just can't hold the prongs in and they just fall straight back out by the way is what your outlets are like in my apartment yeah seriously i can hang on brian hennigan took over my rent control apartment if you read the book now hennigan lives in there we we still have that apartment so hennigan just said that's what the prongs are like in your apartment

your prongs your outlets in my apartment you're the pinecrest inn of brian hennigan's life yes it's it's my outlets in his apartment yeah he's only lived there for eight years no well you know what we had thicker prongs back then. So the point is that everything you plugged into an outlet at the Pinecrest Inn just fell right down. I would duct tape the fucking phone chargers into the wall because they wouldn't stay in by themselves. Duct tape came in. Hey, how about a commercial for duct tape? Hey, duct tape. Are you staying at the Pine Crest Inn in Idaho Falls?

Duct tape. Keeping Doug Stanhope on tour for 20 years. I never travel without duct tape, genuinely. Well, from now on, you should change that to gaff tape. I'll get you some. Oh. Because it's better than the duct tape. Hey, listen.

Let's do this right here, guys. Yeah, we're already way long on this podcast. And now we're in Salt Lake City. At the old Econo Lodge at 715 Northwest Temple. How's that for a fucking memory? Pretty good. Who's Lucas Sealy? But I'll remember to never stay across from the Red Iguana top rated Mexican restaurant in Salt Lake City.

Always a line around the block. Connell Lodge downtown. Yeah. The very first thing that happened at the Connell Lodge is we all got our rooms right in front of the pool. This strip mall motel. And immediately we all throw our shit in the rooms. And we all kind of do that. Right by the pool.

We all kind of come back out of our front doors to kind of reconvene to be like, okay, our shit's in there. Now what? We're going to meet in one of our front doors to kind of reconvene to be like okay our shit's in there like now what like that's we're gonna meet in one of our rooms for drinks and while we do that this dude walks by who's like wearing a backpack and he's all like sweating and sketchy looking and he's like and we're like hey man and then he's just slowly walking and he's and he's looking out the ground like looking for cigarette butts and talking anything he can find on the ground, like looking for ground scores. And like, dude, I've been to a million music festivals. You look for ground scores like the most sketched out guys because people drop shit.

You look for ground scores. You're looking for ground scores at a fucking Econo Lodge in Salt Lake City a thursday at four in the afternoon like there's a reason because even when i was checking in some guy that looked like he was out of oz some white supremacy sweating guy and then there's a another guy with a backpack that's probably 45 riding a BMX bicycle. Around the lot. Around this giant parking lot with a backpack and a goatee and a weird hat. If you're 45 and you're circling around, it's not because your parents brought you here on vacation. And it was just this tweaker, walker.

Bridie shows up. She's an old friend she's in the book for a second she showed up and we went to the mexican food next door because i didn't want to wait in line at the red iguana i don't need top quality i need not crossing the street and some guy it was not even bushes it was like barely a, but somehow he was in it and sprung out in front of us. It was like the walking dead. And I kept explaining to her that it's been like this all day. And she, she didn't.

And then after she was there for an hour and a half, she's like, Oh, Oh, I get what you mean now. Yeah. And she lives in Salt Lake city. Yeah. We were in an Salt Lake City. Yeah.

We were in an area that was definitely unique. The parking lot was bad. Yeah. I would describe it as walkable to the venue. No, it was not. No, no, no. It was a drive. Not even close.

And this is the second time Roseanne was coming to do a set. So I didn't tell Bridie. And Bridie brought her now adult daughter and her boyfriend to the show. Oh, the models. And we have to stop by and pick up a friend. So we go from the Econo Lodge with Tweaker City to the Great American. The Grand American.

It was a fucking gold leaf. It's like if Larry Flint had a hotel, just ostentatious. And I go, I'm just going to pick up my friend here who's going to do a guest set. And Roseanne gets in the car. And Bridie's so timid and shaky anyway. It's like, oh my God.

I don't know how long it took her to realize it was Roseanne. She told me that it wasn't until well after we had gotten out at the complex and all were standing around smoking that she realized who it was. And I don't blame her because when you guys played the trick on me and I was in the very back, Roseanne's sitting in the passenger seat in the front. She's wearing a ball cap

and sunglasses. Like, why would you expect that to be Roseanne Bartlett? And Bridie is sitting even on the passenger side in the very, very back. Yeah. You can't see her. She's wearing a baseball hat

and giant old wraparounds. Florida fucking sunglasses that old people wear. But when she talks. That's it. Yeah. That's how I found out.

I'm sure we talked about this the first podcast. That's when I realized it the first time. Yeah. Was that she turned around. She's like, isn't this great that we get to do a stand-up? And I was like, what?

Holy fuck. That's Roseanne Barr. So the trick continued. Yeah. So Salt Lake, the Roseanne Barr, well, we already had experience from the first Colorado Springs show. Looney's. Put Christine Levine up first. Introduce her as she's been described as the next Roseanne Barr.

She's been seen on Portlandia. And then she goes out and kills. And then you go, but Roseanne's from Salt Lake. So I go, hey, I know this show is running long, but some local talent wants to go up before Brett Erickson. We support local talent, right?

Lukewarm response. Yeah. This next woman's been described as the next Roseanne Barr. Please welcome to the stage, Roseanne Barr. And then you get the titter and they're like, holy fuck. And again, Roseanne Barr. And then you get the titter. And they're like, holy fuck. And again, standing ovation.

Killed. She did like 28 minutes. So that show went fucking very long. That was fun, though. It does bear mentioning that Tim, the guy running sound, is kind of the production manager. And Wolf Security. And it was Paul, our other contact there.

They were so fucking cool. And they're the ones who set that stage up lower and closer to the crowd. That was good. And then gave us. And then when I was there, I'm like, is there any way we could put some chairs or tables behind the stage? They're so great. How about couches?

Our whole green room walked over behind the stage and hung back there and could hear the whole show and were totally engaged the whole time they were really great were they the ones who threw my pee bottles away

oh Jesus Christ Eric's in here you want to talk about it I'm a nervous peer I'm a nervous peer you're a nervous peer and you have to get an escort to leave

before I go up I have to pee a million times like that's how it manifests itself my nervousness I have to pee and I'm in That's how it manifests itself, my nervousness. I have to pee. And I'm in the back. There's no bathroom back there.

So I'm like, I'm just going to have to go behind everyone, and I'm just going to pee in this empty bottle. So I have to do that like nine times. And then Shaylee's like, don't do that anymore. The staff's on you. I'm like, I just have to. I can't help it. Tim comes up and he goes, hey, just as long as the pee doesn't stay on the stage.

If it can go somewhere else. Not even close to the stage. We're backstage. I go, what are you talking about? No, that's their stage, dude. Oh, you meant, yeah, we got to take it when we leave. Look, I just, whatever, but just can we get it off the stage? And I go, where is it?

And he goes, you'll see it. And I go up there. He is pissed in a fucking like the regular water bottle, right? And then he set it on top of the amp rack did he put a p on the top i put a lid on it there's a lid on it no no the way he marks our when we oh with a w we sneak i put a p on it i should have put a patrone i came off stage i chugged that bottle he left the bottle sitting this shit is pure on top of the amp rack like right under a light like it

was lit and i just grab it come with me and you bitch the whole way but i'm like look if he sees me at least bringing you out into the where the bathroom is in the lobby he'll know i'm talking to you and it's settled he's like i walked by three trash cans i go but i made you throw it away in the bathroom and don't fucking do that. Well, listen. I was drunk. And once I realized the actual bathroom was as close as it was, because the first time, Wolf took me back to the actual. Wolf took me through. It was like a spinal tap labyrinth of things to go through to get to the bathroom.

And I told him when I came back out, I go, listen, dude, I'm a nervous peer. I'm going to have to do this like five more times before I go up. This is actually unacceptable. This is a five-minute walk this is yeah way too much so that's when i said i'm just gonna find an empty water bottle pee into i'll throw it away when we're done like that was my worst show i thought i was helping people that was my worst show because i couldn't you know do that like and i was so worried like first of all i got bridie and her kid and her boyfriend and i'm trying to hide roseanne so the payoff works when we present her as the next

roseanne bar the second time and i just i was flaked out so i wasn't concentrating uh so that was my worst show but it was also the worst hotel because in the morning first of all the fucking tweakers and we're ground floor but Chaley comes out Chaley walks out with

bites all over him yeah I bunked with Erickson and i'm talking to tracy after the show and i'm like just i'm over here let's just fucking kick back i'll give tracy a call and i start itching but i didn't think anything of it and then halfway through the night i'm like what the fuck what the i i should just sleep in the car. This is driving me nuts. And then, yeah, I got up super early, started packing the van, and yeah.

And we thought you were the only guy, but evidently. Christine, yeah. She had bites all over her when she came home. Well, she's an easy target, let's be honest. But I got into the van. I'm like, it wasn't that bad. And then as we're driving, it got... You were showing me. Dude, the welts.

You had like welts. Yeah, yeah. Like big, giant bites. Yeah. Many of them. Yeah. And I learned from Glenn Wool because he showed up to Anchorage one time, and someone fucking salvaged a couch and put it in the fucking comedy condo at Coots,

and then that next comic was Glenn Wohl, and he called me at 7 in the morning. He goes, Shaley? I go, yeah, what's wrong? He goes, you got bugs. Where was the laundromat? I'm like, what the fuck? So I knew.

He told me. He goes, yeah, this happens in Europe a lot, but if you catch them early. So he told me what to do. So I knew he told me, he goes, yeah, this happens in Europe a lot. But if you catch him early. So he told me what to do. So as we're driving to the next gig, which is a night off, and we end up in Kanab, as soon as I got out of the car, I just took everything and fucking spent the next two and a half hours cleaning up and washing and bagging. And yeah, it was fucking horrible. I think it was the economy. Kanab, Utah, we've driven through a few times.

It's on, if you have to go from Salt Lake to Flagstaff, which you never will, you see this town, and it's a town that did all these, they called it the Hollywood of the West or something. All these old. Utah's Little Hollywood. That's it. But don't forget Circleville.

No, we were talking about the bedbugs. So the bedbugs, I think, came from either Pinecrest or more than likely the Econolodge. I was checking how I booked that hotel. And now that I'm fully aware of the distress it was caused, I'm sure we can ask Orbitz for our money back. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, absolutely.

It's pretty. Oh, and no one wants their money back more than Hennigan. Pinecrest in Idaho Falls was obviously bad. Like, it kind of looked okay when you drove up to it, but the inside was worse than Pinecrest by far. The thing with. Yeah. That's where the fucking...

The one bed was like a foot shorter than the other bed. That was the first thing. Doug goes into the rooms. Him and Shaylee are staying in. But Shaylee and I are unloading the truck. And Doug goes in with his room key and he comes back out and he goes,

yeah, this is going to be great. One bed's a foot lower than the other. Well, that's why he bunked with you because i just spread my shit out over the other fucking bed it was stacked with because it was we had a night off the next day i'm like it's one of those weird things all of my shit out yeah and i had all the merch over this spare bed and i go i'm already over here all this fucking crash here and i should not have obviously i should have slept on the fucking floor fucking brett erickson no one touched no one touched you're right maybe i'm immune and you know what christine levine if she has welts all over she

probably hasn't seen that part of her body since she pulled up that flap did i say that don't she didn't say anything until we were coming home and i like what and then i gave her the lecture and this is what you got to do well the pain's got a longer journey that's true all right so on the way we get to wrap this up on the way from when i first started comedy and this is part of the down slope of why i'll be dead on august 29th uh actually you always ask me what the name of the podcast should be. How should we title this? Tour wrap up. Horrible people tour wrap up. And the reason I'll be dead on August 29th. Because we start with one of my first triple gigs.

On the way back from Salt Lake to Flagstaff. And I've been wanting to do this for years. There's a place when I first started one of those first triple gigs where I broke down and my radiator froze because I didn't have antifreeze in it in Phoenix. It just had water. I don't know shit about shit. Well,

it's winter and I stopped halfway to, I think it was a gig in Price, Utah. I stopped to sleep after I couldn't, coming from Page, Arizona, where I played a bowling alley. Stopped to sleep, and my radiator froze. So I had to hitchhike into town out of a turnout in Circleville, Utah. And I asked the guy if he could help me out. I didn't have money to fucking get a tow

and he uh so then I had to he's like fuck you one of those taciturn you know small town Utah people you didn't care for a guy in a fucking mullet right wearing a fucking weird overcoat uh so I hitchhiked back to my car I tried to to get some money, but I couldn't, for whatever reason, get money wired. Did you try Western Union? They had a post office. It was already outdated. Oh, that's all right. Go ahead.

So I hitchhiked back to my car, probably five miles, and then I tried to turn it so it would face the sun and i ran myself over trying to push the car you by yourself so you've got to do all this yeah and then i'm like just i'm depleted because if i don't make this gig i'll never work for triple and my career is over and the guy had felt bad enough for me that he came and sought me out after i'd run myself over a fucking drifting car trying to stop it and i can't hit the brake and i run over my foot and he he towed me out for free and he brought it into his shop and put a heater on it and for free and i always wanted to go back and pay that guy so i go hey we're going that

way anyway it's a little bit off the beaten path and i was all excited the whole time i'm like i'm trying to figure out how this is gonna go and i'm hoping that i have circle villa right but yeah what i thought was either a bank or a post office is right across the street, and that place is boarded up, that shop. Oh. Yeah. So, yeah, it sucked, and we had to go way out of our fucking way. Oh. Yeah, and it cost me $10.

Why? Because leaving Salt Lake, Shaley and I, waiting for you guys to come to the truck after we were bed bugged, and we were sitting in the truck, Shaley's like, hey, you want bet 10 bucks on whether doug wants to actually go to circleville or not and i'm like yeah my money is he actually won't like once once it's good once we've once we've woken up and he's like the light of the day he'll be like fuck it let's just go to the next gig i let you choose million times here's the best part is shaley would have taken the other one if i'd have taken you know but i was like for sure i'm right like he's not gonna and then you were like yeah let's go there i'm like oh son of a bitch and i said

all i'll say is where are we going yeah i could say and you couldn't pepper it anyway i couldn't neither one of us could try to sway you i just sat in the back seat i'm like god damn it i just lost 10 bucks then we went the great thing, though, when Brett gets his comedy compass out and tells you which way to go, you know which way to go. The other way. I get it. Alright, let's wrap this up in Flagstaff. Bitch. Perry Lodge, give them a shout out.

We did. I don't think we have. Iron Horse. We stopped in Kanab. It was lovely. Next town, Flagstaff. Yeah, I don't remember. It's beautiful.

It's beautiful. That's it. It's a great place. Flagstaff is our last night. Played there before. And this is the last time when we did dinosaur rides. You had left in Salt Lake, so it was just me and Chad Shank. And Chad Shank was fucking nervous he was gonna kill someone because he

had to do your job well he was he was very concerned with like how to do the merge i'm like fuck it don't even do it but he's like he really wanted to you know we're gonna keep this going also had he had chad shank not also come off a kind of altercation in montana uh yeah well it was over we had buried that by then still, everyone kept calling him my bodyguard. This time, and I don't know if you did this on purpose, Brian, but you booked me. This is the decline of my career. Why I'll be dead on August 29th.

Yeah, that's my rule. Idaho Falls, first triple gig. That's like a real run. Now you book me, not the gig, but the hotel was the Monta Vista. If you've read Digging Up Mother by Doug Stanhope, forward by Johnny Depp. I hear that's coming out on Audible. It is coming out on Audible. August what?

August 16th, apparently. Nice. My first ever paid road gig was at the Monta Vista Hotel in Flagstaff. And that's where you booked us to stay. It's not where the gig was, but we stayed in that old hotel where the fucking ventriloquist. Read the book. Read the book. Yeah.

So we're staying there. And the bar is still open. The stage is still there. The green room. The green room and the bar is still open. The stage is still there. The green room. The green room is the bar. Where we played, but no, in the hotel. The cocktail bar, so good. It's so fucking great.

I was talking to Erickson about that today. On San Francisco Street. Saying that is the kind of bar that our buddy Duran should open somewhere. It's a shotgun bar straight back. The bar itself would not interfere with an actual show going on. They have rock bands. They have comedy. They have everything right there.

It is so well done. This is where Brett Erickson had to do his task where Bingo gave him an envelope full of safety pins. Safety pins. Maybe 40. No, no. Maybe 40. No, no. Maybe 140.

As a ship load. So she gives me this envelope. She says, bore the hotel desk clerk with your story of how much you love safety pins

and see how long you can go. So Doug's checking in. Handing them safety pins. Yeah. So Doug's checking in and I walk in two minutes later

acting like we don't know each other and then I just interrupt him like, hey, like, you see this? Like, I got and I walk in two minutes later. I feel like we don't know each other, and then I just interrupt him like, hey, you see this? I got this safety pin in El Paso. He went through the whole tour. And then I went through the whole tour.

I'm like, I got this one in Albuquerque, and look at these next two. I'm like, I got these two in Colorado. Side by side, and they're different sizes. They're different. Isn't that weird? And this girl. Two young girls running the front desk. This girl was so

sweet she was so nice and she went i went through the whole fucking tour to the point where i'm in canab now and i'm like i'm running out of towns you know like and she's still being nice to me and i'm like and so this one and then finally doug goes uh like do i sign here or here or here and she and then she turns trying to delay she turns to start talking to Doug. And then I go, hey, are you even listening to me anymore? And she's like, I'm sorry, but I have a customer. And I'm like, I'm so mad at my safety pin thing. My worst one was she sent me a thing of Q-tips. And she says, take one of these Q-tips, clean out your ears,

and then hand it to a stranger to throw away for you and i'm like oh fuck i don't want to do this at all uh no well listen what was mammo oh i was oh mammo's bad one is the one we lost we lost it but your your bad one with the q-tips like you were finally like all right i gotta do this to do this somewhere. I'll do this at the Econolodge. We were already so bed bug written that you're like, all right, we'll do it here to the housekeeping. Fuck them. And you walked in, cleaned your ears, handed it to the hotel maid. You're like, here.

Inside a different person's room. As she's cleaning up someone's fucking. And then to her credit, she's like, no, the garbage is right there. And then I reread the task and it said, try to get a stranger. But you continue to try to make her take it. And she continued to go, no, the garbage is right there. Like, no, but here, take this. No, the garbage is right there.

That was a good one. Flagstaff, just because it was the last gig. Rock and Roll Club Club they seeded it great gig but Chaley and I since this was the first hotel I ever did my first road gig on this all ends with August

28th 29th I thought no I'm dead on. 29th, I thought. No, no, I'm dead on the 29th. Oh, okay. Dead on the 29th. Chaley and I have Negronis at 3 o'clock in the afternoon for a 9 o'clock gig. And it worked out.

I stand by it. Great idea. It wasn't bad. I drank only two days on the tour and it was Bozeman and Peppertree. Idaho Falls. Peppertree. We were in the hotels. They should give you a bottle of bourbon when you check in.

That's three days then, just to be clear. Well, no, and then the end of the tour. Oh, the end of the tour. Thank God you didn't drink that night, because Shaylee got me home that night. I woke up at the end of the tour in my fucking thrift store purchased leisure suit, face down in my bed. Wasted. Out of my mind. You're skipping the best part.

What angle is that? Because he was standing or walking into people's faces after the show at an angle where I thought I'd have to press him by his chest plate to keep him standing. The worst. Chaley gets him back to the hotel, back at the Monta Vista.

Put you to bed. I thought you were going to have to. He walked two blocks with roller bags of leftover merch, and you followed him. I was trying to get you to go with me. You went with him, and I thought you were going to have to lean over and ride the bag

of merch. Like the little bag they put on top of the luggage when they're doing the rollers. That's me. I wrap myself around the top of the fucking handle. Take me home, Shaley. I was looking for two lodge poles. I remember none of this. Blackout.

Two lodge poles and some sinew to make a little buggy to carry him. Some weird chick followed me, and she was asking me questions. And I'm like, are you wearing a wire? You're asking me questions that are. Jill. So Jill. Yes.

Don't know what her story was. We never will. But she's going to show me where the hotel is because i'm pretty drunk but i'm in comparison to brett erickson fine so i feel sober so i get to kitty corner from the hotel bar pretty close and she keeps asking me questions and at some point this names. It's like, are you? Yeah, yeah, I am. And then she's asking me weird questions, and I just keep sending him on tasks.

Three, I'm bingoing him. Three hot girls come out of the bar, and I'll go, go fucking hit on them and annoy them just because I don't want to talk to them. And I'm finishing my cigarette before I can go meet Chaley in the bar and he just keeps going over there and at some point I ditch him I think Chaley and I pull up two seats by the window of the bar away from the karaoke that's going on it's close to last call and the kid comes over and he's like,

I can't believe like, hey, we only got 10 minutes before last call and just give us some peace. And he's like, nah, I can't believe that he wasn't even at the show. Doug was like, look, we're old guys.

We want to have a drink and talk about what has just happened. The end of the tour, we want to talk about the night. We're old. We have no, like this is. I got nothing to offer. Nothing. And I kept doing this. On the point of principle, we've not even got money yet.

Exactly. I said Brian would not accept this yeah and i i just kept trying to be as nice as possible but i'm fucking ragged out at the end of the tour and at some point i go seriously if you don't leave me alone i'm just gonna have you thrown out so and he goes you can't have me thrown out and i just fucking sprung and i just grabbed him by his fucking throat and his hoodie and i started dragging him towards the door and he's flailing going no no i mean no and i go oh no i shouldn't be doing this so i just kissed him on the fucking mouth and then threw him out and hugged it out the the kiss on the mouth negated everything that had just happened right now it's fun yeah and now i have to i turn around because i see this i

see someone bolt up i go that can't be that's doug he moved faster than i ever thought he could and then now i'm standing in between him and i'm like it's just time to go and he's like no man he kissed me on the mouth that's rape or something like that. I'm like, listen. It kind of is. Listen, I think what you should probably do is just call it a night. Like Chad Shankton. Hey, look what time it is. It's time to leave.

And I just stood there until he finally left. But at the same time, I was like, what the fuck? I do remember saying to you, let's get the fuck out of here. Because that kid, he didn't leave the building. He went towards the karaoke dance floor, and I'm like, he's coming back. You could not have been more polite, more gracious, more honest,

and then more violent. It really escalated that way. Wasn't there something at the store last night with Rogan and some guy that wouldn't... That's another podcast, sir. We're just getting done with the tour, and we're probably at two hours now.

We are done. That was it. Those guys were great. We are done. Here's why August 29th, and we don't know what's going on, but I will be playing the original bar that I did my first open mic in.

If you know what the bar is, it's in las vegas it's now another bar if you know that we'll be playing there if you're on the mailing list you'll know first so it's triple gig first triple gig then down to first actual paid road gig down to the bar on the night i did my first open mic at the same bar i did my first open mic on august 28th 1990 this will be the anniversary of the end of my 25th year and we don't know how the show is gonna go we don't know what's going on with it and yeah it's close to show time but shaley just found out about it. Yep. Guess you know what you're doing. So yeah, on August 29th, I should be dead or telemarketing. Are links going to be available

for everyone right now? No. So get on the mailing list, like you said earlier. Perfect. Can I do a fucking shout-out? I'm doing a run in the Midwest at the end of August. I'm doing Ribco.

Remember Rock Island Brewing Company? Thank you. A whole bunch of shit. Just go to brettericksoncomedy.com and check it out. And also a shout out.

We talked at the beginning about this guy who did all the artwork. It's at Husky Boyo. Yeah. H-U-S-K-Y-B-O-Y-O. Brett Brock. Brett Brock.

His artwork is amazing. He did it all for free. He's really, really good. Check him out. Follow him. And come see me on the road. Yes. See Brett Erickson.

See at Christine Levine. Christine with a K. She's doing dates with Mishka coming up. Oh, shit. Yeah. There were a couple of people that were mentioned out on the tour. Finally, someone Mishka coming up. Oh, shit. Yeah. There were a couple of people that were mentioned out on the tour. Finally, someone Mishka won't fuck.

Oh, don't you doubt it. Oh, well, we'll see. He stays on my fucking air mattress. How about at Bingo Bingaman, who fucking spent all that time making that road as fun as it could be. Fantastic. At Greg Chaley, C-H-A-I-L-L-E. And at Mr. Hennigan. That's me.

The curmudgeon who fucking, yeah. The curmudgeon with the bludgeon. By the way, as was referenced when you were talking about, I want to end on a smart fuck note. When you were talking about the state of the hotel in Idaho Falls and what you were seeing about the state of the hotel in Idaho Falls

and what you were seeing going past your room, everyone should seek out and find, and it's not available fucking almost anywhere, an obscure film based on a Paul Auster novel called The Music of Chance. And it stars Mandy Patinkin and

James Spader. It's a remarkably bizarre movie. Anyone who's familiar, of course, with the novels of Paul Auster will know that they are very self-referencing and intricate. This reminds me of that thing you said about how if you pay enough attention,

you could eventually tune someone out. Yeah. Anyway, I'm just saying that... Oh, his great idea last night, and Hennigan's been drunk a couple nights in a row here in the castle. You're telling me? Oh, his great idea last night. And Hennigan's been drunk a couple nights in a row here in the castle. You're telling me? Yeah. He said, well, I think after that, you should do a world tour, 20 dates,

in just major capitals of your greatest hits. Yes. That seems fucking ridiculously awful. The Doug Stanhope cover band. The Stan Hopeless. The only reason I gave it any credibility is because the first three albums

are not taped. So I don't know if people actually... No, this would crush. This would make a ton of money. Forgive me. Oh, no, that's what he said. It'll make a ton of money, but I would hate doing it. So chime in that that's a terrible idea. Forgive me. Forgive me. Oh, no, that's what he said. It'll make a ton of money, but I would hate doing it. So, yeah, chime in. That's a terrible idea.

20 nights. 20 nights. All right. Audible.com. All right. Total miles that we drove, door to door. What did we drive?

Door to... You go last, because you guessed. I know roughly. But I already heard the guess. All right. But what do you think it was? Wait, wait, no, wait, wait.

Best worst shows. Oh, all right. My favorite, my best show was Salt Lake City because that was the show where I was wearing all Doug Stanoat purchased thrift store memorabilia, which was the blue leisure suit with the salmon colored fucking tux. New to you.

That was sleeveless. Yep. So I'm wearing it. It's like a Tony Clifton, Hunter Thompson mashup. And halfway through the show, I'm like, it's kind of hot in here. I take the jacket off. Turns out the tux shirt is sleeveless. That was fun.

So that was my favorite show. That was my least favorite show of my own. Best. Fort Collins was definitely the best for me as far as the show, not my performance. That was fun. Kyle Pogue and Mallory and the crew there, they were fucking great. Yeah, Fort Collins was my favorite.

Go to the boot. That's the boot. Boot, grill, and comedy. They had two giant American flags hanging and my first line was I'm not even sure if these are ironic to me that was fucking fantastic let's just agree, let's stop the best and worst

none of them were the worst, I had a blast I'll tell you, my best show was Looney's because we sold the most merch thank you Looney's and get merch at DougStanhope.com and keep Chaley in business because I don't know how long I'm going to keep this shit up Total Miles Moonies. And get merch at DougStanhope.com and keep Chaley in business, because I don't know how long I'm going to keep this shit up.

Total miles? Just rattle it off. Erickson? 3,342. 51. 3,351. Zero, because I don't travel. Why you got to go right above me like a Price is Right bitch? We drove door to door, Bisbee to Bisbee 3470 miles

what did I win? thank you for your service thank you everyone for supporting us troops goodnight and now Cave Maggie will close us out with one of her beautiful

homeless slab city ukulele songs. Oh, wow. Y'all are too much. Wow. Tonight's been really fun. So now I'm going to make everybody as uncomfortable as I can. Especially the people behind me. The look of my reflection made my insides cringe, so I traded in my mirror for a new

syringe, and I shot up dope so I wouldn't shoot up my school. And I shot up dope so I wouldn't shoot up my school My fiance threw me out a while because he could and I sucked off every dealer in the neighborhood And I fall asleep in a puddle of cum and drool For seven years I'd wake up just wishing I was dead Till I got a little thing called Jesus in my head Calm down, I'm fucking kidding It was psilocybin mushrooms, but what's the difference anyway?

I quit dope, but when I felt all my willpower failing Instead of buying more, I bought a ukulele Half the price and in the morning it was still there So I played it in the woods and I got real stoned My dad accused me of stealing so I got disowned So I went on the road and got myself some chunky hair That joke's not funny anymore I guess. You know sometimes you just realize that right in the middle. One time I dropped acid and chilled with my

mama. We talked about sex and family drama. I asked her why she loved me and she said your heartbeat inside me. It was obvious, and yet it was intense and soothing. And I was on her forehead and her skin was moving. I may be a wanderer, but such moments guide me. Seven years I'd wake up just wishing I was dead. With bruises on my face and poems splattered in my head. I love you guys so much. For seven years I'd wake up Just wishing I was dead

I'm glad that I'm a dirty homeless comedian instead So we'll see how it goes And if no one thinks I'm funny I'll always be here on the streets Pouring out my soul for money Alright, thank you. here on the streets pouring out my soul for money alright thank you thank you guys very much

thank all you comedians very much we'll see you again thanks for it, Colins.