The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #158: Fun House UFC Fight Night

Episode Date: August 23, 2016

It's Doug Stanhope's UFC Fight Night in the Fun House, Derrick reads a statement and Chad Shank's Police Beat.Take a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope.Recorded Aug 20, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Derrick Barger (@Derrick4Mayor), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Chad Shank's Recommended Dispensary - ReLeaf in Las Vegas, NV - http://lasvegasreleaf.com/   Fameless on TruTV - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61cVwAVskzU   The Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Henry Phillips NEW Special, "Neither Here Nor There", available on Vimeo   This episode closes with Mitch Hedberg's set on the Craig Kilborn show (April 1999). Watch more Hedberg clips on YouTube or buy an album on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.     Buy a SIGNED copy of Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We're here with Chaley, Chad Shank, myself, and a crew of all the usuals. Jenny Bingo Floyd, Will Ferrell from Saturday Night Live, Tim O'Straggler, Poet, Amy Jay, Derek Vermeer, Kenny Vermeer, The Prisoner, and The Prison Guard, and The Prisoner's wife, thank God this time it's a girl, now that he's out, Joby and Tracy. So we get a full house. And the star of the show, Chad Shank, who has made the audio version of Digging Up Mother hugely popular.

I've got countless tweets of how much I suck, and thank God Chad Shank saved it. I was so sick of your voice, and then Chad Shank would come back on. People have said very nice things. I appreciate it. To you. Stan Hov has a job. Their nice things might get me a job.

Yeah, I think you've got a career with audible.com get your digging up mother with Chad Shank and I reading and a cast of extras which really did separate it I mean people that have read the book I listened to some on the way home yesterday

people that read the book are tweeting yeah I read it but this is so much fucking better. He said it's 12 hours recorded? 12 and a half, 12.45 or something. Almost 13 hours. Unabridged. And Chad Shank, we're heading to Vegas next week.

It's really my 25th anniversary. It's the end really my 25th anniversary. It's the end of my 25th year. So when I said last year it's 25 years in common. Yeah, it's like saying, well, my baby is one years old. So no, this is really my 25th. I've completed 25 years. I think you're really

the only one obsessing on that part. I know. Well, I wanted to do it last year and I kind of felt like I was cheating. But this is in the same bar I did my first open mic. I drove by that bar a couple days ago. The dive bar? Back then it was

called the Escape Lounge 2 where the drinks are always free because that's all we'd make for doing comedy, free drinks. Which you get anyway in Vegas. So it's kind of a wash. Go ahead. Have you announced the lineup for the dive bar?

Do you want it? So far, a week out, we have Christine Levine, Brendan Walsh, Andy Andrist, James Inman. And Matt Becker. Matt Becker. Oh, no, I get a list here. There's more than that? Those are the ones I know you've got that either

contacted me about hotels and all that stuff, or that I heard you actually buy plane tickets. Yeah, yeah. That's a show. It's a fucking huge show. I never thought something would make me want to go back to Vegas after the last week. But I think Chad Shank's coming, too.

And Jenny. You were there. I had to go there for Jenny's family. My in-laws were there. So I had to go hang out with in-laws in Vegas. So basically I had to just follow people. It was horrible. It's different going with you guys because we all have the same idea in mind.

How old are the in-laws? My brother-in-law is almost the same age as i am and he also is a big pothead so that was a plus so we smoke weed but they have a little kid who's like five and then my father-in-law and his wife were there but we didn't know that we thought we were just going there to see my brother-in-law and his wife and five year old yeah and then check on my mother-in-law and his wife and check on my mother-in-law on the last day. Make sure she was alright. Oh, so there was a purpose.

We talked about it before. That's why it was on a vacation. There's a difference. I was not in control of any of this fucking trip. I just was following people around the whole time. It was horrible. Well, during the Derek thing that you heard on the last podcast

and we were that night, we were all fired up about doing the people's court version of this, which we still might do. And I texted you in the middle of the night. Usually

I just ask you, hey, are you in a good headspace to come over? That night, we were so fired up about doing the People's Court version of Derek versus Bree that I texted you, podcast tomorrow at 4 p.m. Bring ice. Call whenever, and I'll give you the poop.

And you went, I'm in Vegas. This is the text feed. I hate that about you. The audio book's about to come out. He goes, yeah, I was always blah, blah, blah. Anyway, Chad never texts me. He answers my texts, but he doesn't do it himself. I get this the next day at lunch with my in-laws and they get none of my

hilarious jokes we got we had to go have lunch with my father and i had a good time with my brother-in-law my sister-in-law you know even their little kid aside from the fact that there's no place to drink i can't stop and drink you just and it's horrible to get where were you the midway at circus circus well you can drink but you they give you like a 45 ounce drink with one shot in it for 25 bucks and you get to keep the glass yeah and then but but if you want five shots then it's 50 bucks like i can spend 50 bucks every time i want to drink that's ridiculous so there was no where you where you were at the mgm we're at the mgm and we walked across to the excalibur and took a tram um we were at all the mandalay bay and the mirage and

i can imagine just sitting across from Chad knowing how much he's hating this and not being able to say anything because he's with his family. I had to be a diplomat on so many levels. It was horrible. Just being in there. I can see him peeling the vinyl seats off the tram seat

with his fingernails just white knuckling. And the whole time Doug is drinking the booze straight from his sippy cup, looking at you and you're white-knuckling it. I didn't even realize how horrible it was. I got home and fucking tears just started pouring out of my eyes. I was fucking crying.

I wanted to murder fucking everybody in the world. So he said, No one's getting my hilarious jokes i wrote back work bluer he said going the opposite direction just made jokes about stealing silverware from restaurants shoot me because we ended up having to hang out with my father-in-law and his wife and then nobody talked everybody's like a string i ended up having to hang out with my father-in-law and his wife and then nobody talked everybody's like a string i ended up having to carry the entire conversation the whole thing it was horrible that's why i drink so i got down to petty theft planning a caper of stealing soup spoons

i was just trying to make conversation and connect with people on some level. Talk what you know. Stealing silverware. Yeah, I don't know. I usually just try to be kind of witty and funny, but nobody thought that anything I said was probably inappropriate. I'm just

hanging out with you guys. That's a serious problem. When you only have this as a crew where everything flies and then you have to deal with real people and you go, ooh, you know, that's a soft joke for me, but it just made everyone drop their fork at dinner.

Like, oh, I got... It's a weird lens to view the world through when you leave the compound yeah because you're still in this mode yeah and just comedy in general 25 years of hanging around with comics in a green room or at a bar where you know whatever retard nigger rape is the starting point of how low you can go. That's the floor. Yeah. And then you just try to get uglier. So I write back after the silverware joke,

do the classic pulling out your scrotum skin and saying, I think I just sat in gum. And Chad writes back, I think I'm just going to fake pulling a hamstring. And I said, yours or theirs? I was thinking about just faking an injury to just go home. The first night we were there, we were getting ready for bed in the middle of the night. And I was like, oh, my throat hurts.

I'm starting to get a sore throat. And it really was, so I didn't think about it. But then as soon as I said it, immediately I was like, oh, oh, fuck, I could be sick. I could just stay in the hotel the whole fucking time. But I was a diplomat, and I wouldn't help Jenny. This is the diplomat later on. This is so fucking miserable. Been sitting here waiting for over 45 minutes while my father-in-law upgrades

his player card status can't venture off because none of these people can use a phone to find each other fuck me oh yeah I forgot about that I was pretty angry at that point I guess sounds like it it was bad.

Uh, yeah, that's... Ha! I'm finally headed home tomorrow. You guys getting the fights tomorrow? You could hear joy in it. Yeah. Oh, well, I just want to mention this quickly, because in there I said that guy... Remember the guy that worked where Backdoor Mike worked at the Beast Brewery

and he wanted to come over? We talked about that. He wanted to come over all the time. Yeah, but he just emailed me yesterday saying, you were right, I was wrong. They fired me. The guy was like, we told him that they're legendarily bad employers. No one lasts more than two weeks. Stocks and Harley work there, back door.

Mike worked there, and they fuck them all over. So he goes, this is the guy that Chad Shank had to walk out of the place. It's getting late. It's time to go. Never meet your heroes. Yeah, that's what it was. Sometimes they're dicks. Chad goes, yeah, that happens.

That happens sometimes. So he emailed me yesterday going, you're right. I was wrong. They just fired me and won't give me my last two weeks pay. I'm sorry. Did we just miss a fucking quick knockout? We missed a fantastic knockout. Sorry, we're trying to podcast between the fights.

The good fights are coming later. These are the TV fights. It's UFC UFC 202, right? 202? Yeah, McGregor Diaz. So we're going to broadcast in between fights.

Hopefully we can... That was the other horrible thing is I was at the MGM where they are now, so the entire week it just kept filling and filling and filling. That's the only one I saw. When Rogan brought me there, it was at the

MGM, and I met him at dinner and then he tried to leave to get to the fights. No secret entrance he just tries to walk through hey can i get a picture yeah all right just one because then everyone and as soon as he said that everyone could i get a picture and like i gotta work and then people are going oh mr fucking hollywood just like yes i'm gonna sit here and just take pictures all night other than do my job. Yeah, the fights will wait for you, you fucking... Like, how do you deal with this?

You know how I panic when there's fucking 75 people at merch booth. This is, what, fucking 10,000 people? It was so fucking bad. Remember, he had... Agro people. He used to have Red Band videotape just them standing around because so many people would challenge him or, like like bow up at

him or whatever and it just got ridiculous that was before the mencia stuff that was a while ago but it was so horrible whatever i don't know what they hold eight thousand ten thousand people at these things he's just cutting the line like i won't go to a playing a dive bar i go through the the dumpster entrance to shaley is there a way we can get through the chimney i don't want't go to a... Playing a dive bar, I go through the dumpster entrance to avoid this. Shaley, is there a way we can get through the chimney? I don't want to go to the front

where everyone's standing there. You have to wade through trash. It's all right. I'll wade through trash. Salt Lake City, we were a block away from the venue. It was that punk rock bar. Yeah.

And it was Burt's or something. Yeah, Tiki Bar. Tiki Bar. And we cut... You were at a bar that was completely empty, way more appropriate. that punk rock bar yeah and it was bert's or something yeah tiki bar tiki bar and uh we uh cut you were a bar that was completely empty way more appropriate called like emos or something right across the way better venue and it was just you two and the bartender and one slow dancing couple so then we we a block from the venue we cut back behind it and that's just a fucking barren field and then we had to crawl through chain

fence there was a split in the fence and a sofa punk rock's fucking night it's so gross and then we had to go through and then like an upstairs thing but then you ended up having to go through the back of the crowd to get to the stage anyway bar with a pole right in the middle of the front of the stage it looked like the bottom of a skate deck. It was a great bar, but the worst place to perform where you have a pole right where you would stand. So to see everybody, the pole's in front of you.

You pre-gamed at the bar you should have performed at, and you performed at the bar you should have pre-gamed at. That's exactly how that went. That was a while ago. So Rogan cuts the line. It's like if fucking Zeppelin was playing and they just decided to cut the line rather than find the service

entrance and Rogan's just come this way and then Rogan It's fucking awful. I would never go to another UFC unless I had a skybox like a shark cage. It's fucking awful. I would never go to another UFC unless I had a skybox, like a shark cage. It's fucking scary as shit. Unless you're Joe Rogan, you have to watch it on a big TV anyway.

So you're just paying a bunch of money to go watch it on a big TV while it happens somewhere in the same area as you. You can't see the fucking cage and what's happening. I would imagine. Well, I get pretty good seats. Well, that's what I'm saying. I wasn't ringside. Unless you're up front.

It's the same with NASCAR races. People pay for that, and then you only get to see a half a second when they zip in front of you. And you just sit there and fucking twiddle your thumbs until they come all the way back around you know can't even see shit you didn't snap on anyone um yeah one guy at the very end oh we were already driving home and uh speaking of car wrecks it was something it was not too bad well i was i also did like did like those positives because weed maps.

Every once in a while, I would just pull up weed maps, and it would tell me if there's a dispensary nearby. And you'd go in, and the first-time patient, you register, and they give you free weed. And one of them gave me a free pipe, and they'll give you a free, you know. I tweeted that one of them was like making it tolerable right in Vegas. Yeah, that was the one I went to in Vegas. And then they ended up favoriting my tweet and following me.

That was pretty neat. Relief on Paradise and Sahara. And they were pretty decent. Now with an online form. Easy to read. They do, yeah. I didn't know that before. Follow at HDFatty if you want Chad Shank to promote your weed dispensary.

You're going to have sponsorship. You're going to be the voice of audible.com. You're going to have weed dispensary sponsorships. I'm going to be begging you for money to help pay for whatever I pay for. I don't know. You know, you're going to get fat. You're no longer going to be tough. I can't get fatter than what I am.

That's impossible. All right, the dogs are barking. We'll hit beats in between. Oh, you teased the show. The show, my show, my 25th year anniversary is going to be at the Dive Bar. It's at the corner of Flamingo and Maryland Parkway. Used to be called the Escape Lounge, too. And I'm only telling you this lineup because it's sold out.

It's oversold. I can't get friends in at this point. So it's going to be Christine Levine, Andy Andrus, James Inman. Did I already say this? Okay. Matt Becker. Matt Becker. Fuck.

There's more. Brendan Walsh. Yeah. Oh, Brendan Walsh. All right. Good. When we come back, I tell you about the guy I was going to kill. Oh, yeah.

Well, fuck no. Tell it now. Tell it now. Oh. Hold on. Oh, all right. We'll save right, we'll save it for after this break. We'll be right back after this fight. That's right. Digging Up Mother is on audible.com.

Audible.com for all your audiobook needs. If you spend any time whatsoever in traffic, get audiobooks. They will change the world for you. And if you've listened to Digging Up Mother with myself and Chad Shank doing the reading and you want to give me shit about how much I suck worse than Chad Shank, do that, but make sure you include ataudible.com in the tweet so Audible knows that you want more Chad Shank reading books because I think he's launching a new career.

So when you give me shit and congratulate Chad Shank in a tweet, make sure you add ataudible.com. I would appreciate that. I've been reading all of the reviews on Audible. A couple of people have been very nice to me, so thanks. Maybe I'll read more books. So, yeah, that's our commercial, audible.com. And they have other shit, too.

They probably have other books that they have out. Or is it just my book? It's just yours. Just mine. Flagship book. Audible.com for all your audiobook needs. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do a... We're just going to do short bursts of podcasts,

but this is Chad Shank talking about someone he wanted to murder. All right. Hold on, hold on. There's the thing where they're throwing the water bottles on the UFC press conference. That fucking McGregor guy with his fake wrestler hype.

I mean, he knows what he's doing. He knows what sells. Totally. And you can't down the guy for doing it. Who gave him nine water bottles to hug? That seems fucking a little bit... Seems a little set up. Seems a little set up.

It's in his rider. Yeah, he'll need a seat and a microphone and nine water bottles. He didn't start that, though. Clearly it was Diaz being ejected from his own press conference. I don't even know why people hate Diaz. But speaking of fights, leading Chad back into this. I did good

the whole time I was there with not acting on wanting to murder people. It's one thing to know in your mind how horrible everything is and overpopulation

and how much people suck but then whenever you can smell it like there's too much food and there's too much food waste and there's too many people and all of those smells just converge like it just makes murdering people seem justifiable.

There's already way too many. I can smell it. Doing the Lord's work. But I did not do that. I did good. And people are fucking rude. Everybody is in their own world in Vegas, and I'm not used to going anywhere.

But people just stop right in the middle of main walkways. There's nobody else around. You get road rage on foot. Yeah. Be aware of your fucking surroundings, lady. You don't just stop as a group in the fucking between. Yeah. Side-by-side strollers.

That's why we go downtown. That's the fucked up thing. Anywhere you go where there's a side by side stroller you just want to go you know they sell them in a line so you can walk as wide as one person the fuck I mean I'm a twin my parents didn't fucking have some fucking

six foot wide fucking beach craft airplane landing on a fucking sidewalk you're being a dick when you do that. The reference is too dated now, but I still yell it under my breath. It's not Hands Across America, single file. And then we had to take elevators because we had a kid with a stroller where you had to cross the overpass across the street anyway.

But it wouldn't have mattered even if I wanted to separate off, because all the escalators were closed because they were broken. They were not temporarily stairs. They were just fucking roped off. I'm like, I could walk up that. Those are the outdoor ones. Yes. Anyone who brings their kids to Vegas, you're a fucking awful person.

You're a parasite. You're bringing your baby to a fucking strip club. You just don't do that. You're a fucking asshole. Not twice. There was at one point we were going through the Caesar's Palace, and there was an exit going out, but it was just after that dumb animatronic show that they show,

so it was especially clogged with people. And a tour bus full of people from, I think, probably India, as would be my guess, was just, just like 50 of them just blocked the entrance. I think they might have been waiting for the bathroom. I'm not sure. A real bathroom. It was... Running water.

It's a new attraction. And I felt racist when I did it, but I held my breath when I first got out. I was like, this is going to be bad. And I took a big breath and I held it to walk through this sea of people. But then nobody would get out of your way at all. So halfway or three quarters of the way through, I started having to breathe.

And I was like, no, I was right. That's fucking, this is horrible. This fucking stinks. My goat pen smells better than this. So I made it out of that exit. But I didn't get mellow. I was mellow. I made it the whole way through.

I was a diplomat all the way through until we were heading home, and I pulled over at a rest area to smoke weed and rest. And I was like, I got to take a shit. I'll be back in a second. And I went in. This is a nice bathroom. So there's a guy there who's cleaning them as you were, after people would leave, he'd go in and clean it so it was not too bad,

or at least he had cleaned it before I got there. So I go in, and there's two foreign guys go ahead of me, and there's only a urinal and a stall in there. So I'm waiting outside. And then another guy tries to come in and just walk in, and I'm like... There's a line. Was it Rogan? There's two fucking people in there.

There's only two shitters, and there's two people. We're getting in line. So I stop the guy, and he gets in line. And then I hear the dryer start up so i'm like one of them's done so i open it up and i go into the thing and it's the guy in the stall that was done so i was like all right good i go in there and it had first off he left the seat down and he pissed all over the whole fucking seat nice and then it has an electric flush but it has not flushed and i'm like i don't want splash back of a guy's pee i don't want to sit on i know i was trying to i put my foot over the thing several times thinking i'll just take a wad of toilet paper and wipe off this guy's pee because I've got to blow mud

now. I have to drive a long ways. And then I kept kicking my foot. I first started putting my foot over it and it didn't work and then I started kicking it. And then I realized I was losing it and I was like, fuck it. There wasn't a button next to it there was a button i first i pushed the

button with my foot well because i don't want to touch it and then he kicked the button and then it didn't work how come this is broken so then and then there's an eye because it's automatic flush so when you get up proximity sensor so then i put my foot over the eye for a second and then i backed it off and moved i tried all the logical moves and then i got illogically angry and i just fucking stormed out fuck it i'm leaving jenny what is the matter with you and i start pointing the guy stretching against the wall at the rest area that guy pissed all over the fucking seat i just keep yelling at him and he won't acknowledge me he got pissed all over this seat and i gotta take his shit he pissed and jenny's just hauling me to the car and uh

he wouldn't i wanted him to acknowledge me i know he spoke english i heard him fucking speak english so i was trying to get him to acknowledge me. So he apologized. If he would have apologized, that would have been good. If he would have talked shit, it would have been better. And are you really surprised at the outcome? It's liquid anyway. Fuck him. I'm going to bend over on the sidewalk.

I'm going to shit on his hood. And started talking to him. I'm going to shit on his hood. The wind started stretching next to him. And started talking to him. Jenny forced me to leave. That was the closest I came to murdering the guy. How long were you in Vegas? Monday through Friday. Monday through Friday.

Jenny, if you'd step to the mic. If you'd like to go back to Vegas with this man for next weekend, we'll pay for the date. Would you like a second Vegas date with this man? Oh, no. Yes, I find him quite humorous, so it would be fun. All right. That's a yes.

Chad Shank joins the list of people who will be in Vegas. We have a fight coming up here, and we got money on it, so we'll be back after this fight. Have you ever been arrested for driving while intoxicated? Then Kevin Brown is the lawyer for you. Hey, what am I doing over there? You keep pulling me over for what? I'm going to call my attorney.

What's his name again? If you've ever been inebriated, then Kevin Brown will take your case. Come to Kevin Brown. He'll get you off. Kevin Brown is my motherfucker. I'll call my attorney. Are you going to tase me? I'll tase you, motherfucker.

Kevin Brown. He'll tase you with the law. The chaos is done. We had to at some point give up the right between fights shit. What do we have left after the end of UFC? fucking bingo cheerleaded the shit out of that we got one of the TVs got audio on it's the main one all the way

there's not going to be audio issues Derek is here thank you for being here. If you listened to the last podcast, you still won't understand the significance of Derek being here. No, it's still the same podcast. Because the last podcast was ridiculous. Well, no. The last one was God damn it, Derek.

The one, oh, Derek, no. And I listened to it on the way back from Vegas, and. The one, oh, Derek, no. And I listened to it on the way back from Vegas, and I still have no idea what happened to Derek. Derek is here. There was a bunch of innuendos and no resolution. We're trying to save this for a light, softcore porn version of people's court. Because, yeah, they're back. Joby, pull that mic over.

She's still not invited over here. Both parties have agreed to dismiss their court cases and have their disputes settled here in our forum, the Funhouse Court. Not too late to get her over here, Derek. I watched too much TV in the 80s. What? It's not too late to get her over here, Derek.

I watched too much TV in the 80s. What? She was the one who said, I'll definitely do that podcast. And I'm the one who said, I'll stop it. It seems two sides are at odds again. Hmm, that's odd. Yeah, always, never together. One disputes the other. He said,'s odd. Yeah, always, never together. One disputes the other. He said, she said? Yeah.

But never together. I'm not Doug Llewellyn, and this is the Funhouse Court. Doug Llewellyn. We're dating ourselves. That's why we don't have a... Wasn't it Rusty Burrell? Yeah, he's

Rusty Burrell. That, he's Rusty Burrell. That was a bailiff. All right, Fameless. I have to quickly promote a show I didn't know existed called Fameless because I had to wake up yesterday morning and I found a flight for James Inman for incredibly low money. It's very Inman- Inman for incredibly low money.

It's very Inman-ish. For incredibly low money. No, I found the flight. We were joking about, oh, it would be great to get Inman on. But I know he can't afford anything. And I found a flight for him so fucking cheap. And you also called him and said, James Inman. Left a voicemail.

James, I have I've worked for you in Vegas. You have to call me back within 12 hours. And then he was blown. And then you went to bed and then he woke up and then blew up your phone. Yeah. Because he doesn't want to pass it up. I should play the voicemails. Now it looks like I'm desperate.

But yeah, I want to go. We have a lot of requests to get Inman back on the podcast. And I found a flight cheap enough that I go, you can fly for that. That's Greyhound bus money. I didn't tell him how much it costs. Probably more on the Greyhound. He would have wanted to bring his wife. And then he'd say, you owe me

money. He's very cheap. Well, it's girlfriend. I don't know what the fuck they are. She's a rape counselor with rape fantasies. It doesn't make sense then. Yeah. Not to the PC

fucking. Don't worry. This is a bit I'll be doing on my next tour fucking rape alright Fameless Fameless is a show I wake up after he's blowing up my phone I go I just have to walk out

in my underpants to my computer in the funhouse to make sure I get that fare while it's still a cheap fare to make it worth Inman coming to Vegas, where he will definitely fuck something up. And he's only there for like 30 hours. He will definitely. We're going to do an over-under on how soon it is.

I bet it's when he's at the airport and can't figure out how to get a taxi. I don't know. He just fucks every... No, that girl at the front desk was a cunt to me, and now they're throwing me out of the casino, then saying I'm drunk, and they won't give me my room.

They're fascists! He'll be doing something like that. He's fucking great. He really has... I've had more requests for when's Inman back than anyone else on twitter yeah absolutely personal emails that you get stuff yeah it's it's uh shocking but uh yeah i'm looking forward to not being the most horrible guy oh not even close no no you get never been the most horrible guy ever ch. Chad Shank gets requests because they like him.

James Inman gets requests because he's such a fuck-up. He's a whack-packer if we had a whack-pack. He's number one. The last one was in... Yeah, that's about right. I think that's about right. The last podcast with him was at that comedy club, that 80s throwback comedy club.

Oh. With Banjo-Randy and Little Mikey. Write that down. Because he never got to tell the end of the story. With the mushrooms. Mushroom story. And then... No, I got to tell a story.

All right. We'll save that's right that's perfect everybody else gets that reference as much as i do i i did the right thing i took a xanax i went to bed at a reasonable hour slept in an actual bed not on that awful couch my phone blows up and i'm like oh fuck i drunk dialed inman saying hey you gotta tell me within 12 hours and i wanted to sleep for 13 or 14 my phone's blowing up i just walk out my underpants to my computer out here in the fun house to hit that fair and uh at the same time brendan walsh is coming to vegas walsh can take care of himself

i don't have to like oh you will just get uber it from the airport to no inman doesn't have a credit card he's 55 years old he doesn't have a bank account. You have to just step by step. Uber's a conspiracy to somehow track your whereabouts. Do you have enough money that you can get to the hotel from the airport and I'll reimburse you

immediately so you can buy breakfast. Can I use Bitcoin? I don't trust cash. And I don't have an ATM card. And I don't have Bitcoin. But I believe in it. I believe in it. I'll tell you on the podcast. Where do you get Bitcoin? It was so nice

that Brendan Walsh could like, oh, fuck. He's the one friend that I have that can actually present company excluded of the unbookables that can actually get there on their own accord doesn't that break them out of the unbookables moniker back when they were by themselves yeah i don't even know if christine levine has a credit card. She can't get there. She has enough talent and wherewithal to figure it out. And she's Tucson, so she could drive if she wanted to.

So I wake up, walk out here in my underpants. I talk to Inman and Walsh. Different stories. Oh, yeah, I'll figure it out. Walsh. I don't know how I'm going to get from the airport. Do I need to wear shoes? Inman.

So I talked to Inman first because he's panicked. And then I talked to Walsh second. And Walsh says in a conversation, hey, we're talking about TV and shit. I'm into the night of oh yeah i'm into that do you watch fameless david spades uh hidden camera show i love fucking hidden camera it's my passion even the shitty ones punkeded. Even, I'd watch that to hate how bad they fucked up Hidden Camera, but I love Hidden Camera. And, you know, I'd never heard of it. And he told me about one

where this, it's, just get on the same YouTube jag that I did called Fameless on YouTube. It's on True TV, which now it's their second show that's the only good show on that shitty network. I'm not plugging that network. Everything else they have.

But now they have two good shows, Impractical Jokers and Fameless, which he said he told me about one thing with Chris Hansen. Oh, yeah, you told me about that. Yeah, he told me the same story. It was like wicked good when it came out of his mouth. Yeah. I haven't seen it. Yeah, exactly.

I repeated what Brendan Walsh told me, and they get all these douchebags that think they're fucking should be Hollywood stars and they're they want to be on reality shows. So they spoof reality shows, get all these douchebags on who think they're they're going to be the next fucking Kardashians. And fuck with them. And the Chris Hansen one is the one he sold me on. fuck with them. And the Chris Hansen one is the one he sold me on.

And I watched that in my underpants, hadn't had breakfast and spent six and a half fucking hours on YouTube watching fucking clips of Fameless with David Spade. And so, yeah, I had to plug that because I was in a manic state where I was like, I can't leave. I can't leave. It took me five hours before I stopped and ate breakfast. It was four o'clock when I was talking to you on the phone.

And it was like our third conversation. And you said, oh, shit, I haven't eaten breakfast yet. It was four o'clock. And you were just sitting there watching it on the YouTube clips. I was on my fourth cocktail on an empty stomach. And I had to wait till I saw them all. And then I almost smashed another computer because the internet went down because of monsoons.

Nah, that was my fault. It's nice to have a purpose. Either way. That's a plug for fameless. Go ahead. Watch the Chris Hansen episode and see if you don't sit there for fucking yeah a couple of clunkers that's i i watched it so long that i was a critic where i go yeah this is kind of like that uh science fiction what's the uh sci-fi uh

science fiction, what's the sci-fi prank show? The science fiction channel where they scare the shit out of people. Anyway, I get to a point where this isn't as good as the other. I watched Shannon Doherty one. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that one.

That was years ago. Season or two. It was awful. Where they had the midget come out of a lady's stomach. Yeah. One. Yeah. I started to be a cunt. That sounds hilarious.

That was pretty good. A lot of blood. They had some decent ones. Oh, yeah. They were actually really good. I'm just saying, in six and a half hours, I was so burned into this where I could say, oh, now I jumped the shark, but I had to watch every other episode that I had to see.

You watched them all, man. You were even watching the clips that were teasers and trailers. Deleted scenes, outtakes. He said he watched all the outtakes. Every fucking thing. Fameless, it's called. Do you want to explain your tweet? What tweet?

To David Spade Oh yeah I saw that Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you People thought that he was angry at David Spade I thought it was hilarious Yeah I have to stop getting mad At two different tweets

Like it's the whole world Yeah But if you're going to reply to something, take the time to just click on the link to read the whole fucking tweet, right? I mean, you used a lot of characters to say fuck you. You said fuck you a lot. But the gem was at the end of that.

All right. We're fucked. I'm fucked. Joby? I'm fucked. Yeah. I have nothing left. Chad Shank's fucked.

How dare you speak for me? I'm fucked. You told me earlier. Coming up on the podcast, the show on A&E that they milk like a cow called 60 Days In.

It's a reality show. Do you know the show? Do not. Oh, it's a great premise that they know is their only good show. I'm assuming where

they have eight people going into a county jail and the they have eight people going into a county jail. And the premise is we're doing a documentary on county jail. They don't know that eight of these different people are plants. There are different people going into the... Is David Spade involved in this? No, no. Okay. there are different people going into the is David Spade involved in this? no no it's a great premise but they fucking milk

it so badly where every episode is half of the last episode you know when you watch uh fucking whatever previously previously seen on Ray Donovan and they give you 30 seconds

of clips. This gives you half of the fucking last show. They have a great show. It could be great. Anyway, Prison Guard and Prisoner are here and they're going to watch season two of this show.

What's it called? 60 Days In on A&E. Is it on any streaming I'm sure it is it's on stealing I don't know how to steal well at HD Fatty someone will give you a link

somebody will tell me how to steal shit so what they're going to do he's giving them an assignment I'm just telling you what's coming up on future episodes of the Doug Stano podcast, they are going to watch this, and halfway through this season, they're going to tell you a prisoner and prison guards' views

of what's bullshit in that show, because there's a lot of bullshit in that show. But it's eight people who think they're really going in to lock up oh they really are but but are they with general population people that are actually in yes okay yeah i thought the whole thing was fake but it's like that one where the one guy was the only one like the truman show thing where he's the only one who didn't know i'll have my own notes. I know how they edit. When someone's yelling, oh, look at that bitch.

Well, they took the audio from some other thing and then cut the facial expression of a guy. He's just like, where's the toilet paper? So he has a cringed face, but then they add the audio from some other incident and make it look like fabricated. I'm drunk and I don't know what we're talking about. So if you listen to the podcast, you might get lots of tweets about what the fuck we were talking about.

This is it. This is it. We're closing up. We're just getting a police beat. We're just we're moving towards police. Yeah, let's move towards that. And how about that? At the end of this police beat, we have a police beat. We're moving towards police beat. Yeah, let's move towards that. How about that? That would be awesome.

At the end of this police beat, we have a special guest. Shouldn't we do this one? Somebody should select those. Which one are we doing? Starting here. The only one that matters in the new one. He's getting marked up. All right.

No. And then that one. Yeah. At the end. And then, okay. Okay. Gotcha. All right. Listen. that one yeah at the end and then okay okay gotcha all right listen there's been a lot of fights tonight there's been a lot of blood it was all you had to spend 59.99 to see it

some of us lost money there's worse violence going on here in the mean streets of Bisbee that the mainstream media will not cover. The only person with balls enough to cover this is the golden throat of Chad Shank. Because his balls are wide. And long. Long? Okay. I'm not sure if that's why,

but I'm out here regardless a welfare check was requested on a neighbor on campbell street who had been passed out in front of his door for about four hours so you can't nap on your porch these days? What's the big government? Welfare checks. Evidently, I slept on the floor in here the other day. We're keeping a pillow in the funhouse from now on. You know what?

And stitches for snitches. You didn't fucking rat me out to the cops for passing out on the funhouse floor. Now I will. I didn't know it was a rule that you can't sleep anywhere on your property whenever you want. The fuck? You know what? We need David M. Smith as mayor

to turn this around. Yeah, all right. Fuck you. I refer to him inappropriately as David A. Smith, but we'll correct that. At the Funhouse Farts Festival, Funhouse Arts Festival, October 21-22. No, you're not invited, but you might be if we like you. Anyway, go ahead, Chad.

I'm sorry. I hate to throw promotional things into your police beat. Just to follow up on what you said, we don't like you. A caller from Van Dyke Street. Van Dyke Street. That's our street. Advised her mother, forged her name. And forged her name on a deed and quit claimed part of her residence.

The police beat went blurry halfway through that. I'm not sure what happened. Cheap ink. We have no idea. Cheap ink. If you are a regular listener to the Doug Stano podcast, anytime there's something from Van Dyke Street, we know exactly which crazy it is.

Did Jeff leave? dyke street we know exactly which crazy it is did jeff leave if he's outside that's his across the street neighbor yeah yeah it is yeah okay i hear that all right god damn it all right what else chad if anyone's looking for jeff hold on second. Can you sell part of your property? Chaley, you're gonna go... When you listen to this, you're gonna go, we're way too drunk to put this out. Oh, I already know you are. Yeah, no, put it out. Alright. Fuck it. No, I'm putting it out. Alright, go ahead.

A woman was yelling and screaming before passing out by the Gore Park bathroom. Bitches. I'm sorry. I didn't want to come across. I'm going to have to retract that statement. Not all women yell and pass out at Gore Park,

but they're all bitches. Listen, since becoming friends with a lot of you people, Becoming friends with a lot of you people. I've noticed that I'm friends with a lot of social justice warriors now. So be very careful of what you say. Because this bitch by the park was yelling and passing out. But it doesn't mean that she was at fault. I don't know what that meant.

Sorry. It's odd for a reporter to actually put commentary. I didn't mean to. Just tired of the... I had to ask someone what SJW meant the other day. And I'm like, fucking grandpa, what does LOL mean? I don't get it. LOL? Lollipop?

I don't understand. You're good friends with a lot of them. I know, because I've made friends with them since coming here. That's not going to last very long, because I was inspired last night by some fucking thing I read. I actually, without having a gig booked other than Vegas, where I don't intend on doing any real material. Yeah, I was inspired. So yeah, I'm going to have...

What do you got? Joby's hammered. Joby fixed me a drink and forgot to make himself a drink. Thank you for my drink, Joby. That was an update from Joby. Breaking news at the Right Now desk from Joby. Joby. That was an update from Joby. Breaking news at the Right Now desk from Joby.

I wish everyone could watch KVOA Morning News with me. With Jeff Beamish, John Overall, Nicole Semery, Jeff Beamish, and Paul Cicala with sports.

It's just like fucking Anchorman. And I try to torture them on Twitter as much as possible. But I know I can't live tweet it because you have to be in Tucson. There's no way it's on YouTube. But if you're in Tucson and you want to live tweet, I don't watch it until after I wake up like three hours later. But Jeff Beamish, Paul C. Collar. Paul C. Collar.

Yeah, right. I'm off topic. There's fucking serious shit going on on the mean streets of Bisbee, and I'm going into my own private dialogue. Much like the last podcast that I listened to, I feel that you are alienating the listener. If we have listeners, we're against them. I thought we played this so we could remember where we were last night.

Very alienated. We do this instead of talking to each other, so go ahead. A tourist who was afraid of heights needed help moving their car around the pit. That is such an inside. We have the lavender pit, which is, what, 880 feet deep. 900 feet down, like 1,100 feet across. Yeah, have you ever drove around something where if you're in the passenger side,

you're like, oh, fuck, and then you just watch the driver. Keep your eyes on the road. If you've ever ridden to the bottom of the Grand Canyon on a burrow, that's what it's like driving around the Lavender Pit as a passenger, because you're right. Yeah, before the burrow gets tired.

You're like, ah! And if you're driving from here to old bisbee if you look up to your right you're actually like 80 feet into the pit driving so i mean it's a it's a so someone stopped their car out of panic which i understand i i'm a huge uh oh yeah god damn it i can't even come up with the word for... Pussy? I was going to say agoraphobic. Knuckle deep?

Not agoraphobic. No, it's... Cloth nut. We're going to the crowd. Afraid of heights. Afraid of heights. I want to use a lifeline. Everybody's looking at their feet.

Not a single person in here knows what you're talking about. Prison guard says faggot. Afraid of heights. Afraid of heights. Derek will know. Vertigo. Vertigo. Nope.

Wrong. Vertigo is right. Vertigo is something else. Vertigo is something else. All right. What else happened? something else yeah so all right what else what else happened we assume we cannot uh actually uh confirm but we assume that the person that was afraid of heights that stopped their car on a two lane and called for police help got home safely and did not go into the pit but that's

the report we have now. We can't confirm. Chad, back to you. Thank you, Doug. I'm not sure if this next report is of a metaphysical or existential manner, but a Palominist man stated his neighbor was stealing his power. I don't know if he had an extension cord or if he was good at meditation. Or he had a Spock pinch on him. Some kind of a Spock pinch to sap his energy.

Let me cut to a rotten version of a Hedberg joke where he said, yeah, I have to do morning radio to promote my shows. And one time I went to a morning radio show and they said, why are you here? And I had to think, is this

guy being very existential or did I go to the wrong studio that was a retardation of a headberg joke by me and jobey from celebrity don't drag me into this i i just feel honored that i was somewhat included in the retardation of a Hedberg joke. I have a final story for you that hits very close to home. Very close.

So close, you can smell it. Derek Barger. Derek Barger? Derek Barger! 40. Hang on. Do you want to read your own police beat? Derek forger. 40. Hang on. Do you want to read your own police beat? Derek for mayor.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, and read. Just read. You got to read your own. Come here. He has a prepared statement? Is that what's going on? Derek has a prepared statement. You got to read your own. Hang on.

Do you want to read the police beat first and then your prepared statement I think would make sense. Hank can read the police beat. It's his job. Alright. He just said As I understand it, Derek has been walking around here telling

people their job lately. That's what Derek does. He told me his job. He said, I've been your maid for too long. I'm like, really? Listen, I've been your police beat reader for too long.

Derek, is it Barger or Barger? Barger. I thought I said it right the first time. That was pretty good. Derek Barger, 40, Bisbee, was booked into jail, charged with disorderly conduct and domestic violence. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. If you haven't heard the last podcast, Derek,

I know you heard about the last podcast where we talked about it and, of course, busted your balls a lot, as we do. To be fair, I heard the last podcast and none of your ball busting even made sense. You guys made a lot of allusions to things. Yeah, because we were trying to promote. I know what you were trying to do, but it was... Doug meant ball busting happened off the air.

Oh, okay. No, no. On the air, we were trying to promote what we thought was funny, which we've already alluded to, is the people's court version of Derek versus Bree, who are back together, of course. So why not drag it all back up? Well, that's why I told them,

listen, we'll do a light version of it. We won't get into the shit that I spent three days dealing with. But we'll do a light version because it's still a funny idea. Because Derek always loses. But he's always funny

at losing. Can I read my statement? I would love you to read your statement. With gumption. This hasn't been cleared by any lawyers or anybody. But sell it. Don't be right and soft-spoken like Gary Johnson. Be shrill like Hillary and wrong.

Like I was two hours ago? Okay. Give him a shot. Hang on. Where's Tracy? Where's our bartender? This guy needs a shot. A shot of confidence when he's selling a lie. My preparation...

Is she out there? Do you want a shot? Yeah, I'm sure. Shot of what? my preparation is she out there do you want a shot or do you want to just read it shot of what I always say this will never air shot of love a shot of vodka of course Derek told me tonight oh yeah we're both

coming over there she didn't show up it's cause she found out you were podcasting she was gonna come over and sit and watch the fight she was the first person who said oh I would love to do the fucking People's Court version, and you, I don't think, because I might have strep throat that day. You didn't say that, but you always have some.

What do you want a shot of, Derek? Vodka. Vodka. He likes vodka. Do we have any frozen? I lost money. Just. I lost money too,

but it was on the fucking UFC fight. But he knows exactly where it went. It's probably Tim. Tim is the outlander. Alright. Tim is a vagabond stray.

Do you have any... We take in strays. Why does he keep talking off mic? Alright. We gotta close this up. And then get back to the party. Tim is a nice guy. Hey, meet Tim on the road.

He's on his way somewhere. I took my shot. Tim is a nice guy. Hey, meet Tim on the road. He's on his way somewhere. I took my shot. All right. Your prepared statement. Don't worry. We're going to close on this, Tim. Your prepared statement, Derek. My prepared statement.

This is Derek Barger. Thanks for having me, Doug. Unlike last time. Derek Barger as seen in the police beat. If I could read this just straight through without being interrupted. I will. Okay. Everyone, shush.

Thanks for having me. Unlike last time, like usual, I'm not allowed or given a chance to legitimately defend myself. Eat the mic. Thanks for coming to court with me. Thanks for coming to court with me. There is no Derek versus Bree. We've reconciled and have agreed to put the hard to remember

and difficult and misunderstood past behind us. I have shirts for sale coming up on Tuesday or Wednesday at Lucy St. John's selling them. Please buy my shirts. Jed Shank says buy my shirts. John's selling them. Please buy my shirt. Chad Shank says buy my shirt. That's my prepared statement.

Basically, yeah, I don't know what happened and I won't propose that I've ever fucking listened to some podcast about me. So make up what you want. That's why we want people's court The Funhouse Court Please buy my shirts That's all I have to say about that Why don't you tell them where to buy them

Oh, Hazy Craft Hazy Craft on eBay Derek, you're talking too fast On eBay, you're selling Why don't you tell them where to buy them? Oh, hey. AZ Craft. AZ Craft on eBay. Slow down, slow down. Derek, you're talking too fast. On eBay, you're selling vintage concert T-shirts through Lucy St. John, our favorite. She's on eBay at... AZ Craft.

AZ Craft. AZ Craft. And you're selling vintage T-shirts, which you... The vintage Metallica shirts, mostly, that I wore to the Metallica shows. They're full of sweat and angst, teenage angst, and a couple of holes in them from getting slammed in the mosh pit. But, yeah, those are my shirts. All right. Well, there's your plug.

Thank you. How do you plead not guilty no it when you were in court how did you plead not guilty this five people in court most of them for traffic shit is empty and he gets up there this is the judge that offered him a ride home when he was a first imprisoned let's make it sound bigger sleepover so he offered him a ride home same judge i go to court with him for his arraignment and he gets how do you plead he goes not guilty it's's just, it's a real, it's like if the fun house was empty and he just yelled it. It's like, OJ, 100%. Absolutely, without question, not guilty.

And she's in the courtroom too. She had to leave the courtroom because she was in laughing fits beforehand it was so silly you oh you have to go i want to do a ride along with officer bob friendly just to on the next call to their house augment like the ridiculousness of fucking Bisbee County Court. Small town. Well, this fucking guy, Doug Llewellyn guy, whatever, People's Court,

he's reading us the riot act where there's five people in this big room just sitting there waiting to go to court. They're all there for a failure to yield or some shit. It's like that guy's place expired. He's like, when you go in the court, there's no talking. Otherwise you'll be removed.

He's trying to yell at people. And I'm laughing too outside. So these laughing fits go into the courtroom. Not guilty. The girl he's accused of beating has to leave and be talked down by the bailiff

doug luellen or whatever the guy this goofy guy rusty he's trying to talk her out of laughing fits and then on our way out congratulates her for not laughing through the arraignment. It's fucking ridiculous. I love it. I'm looking at four years. You're looking at four years, yes. I'm in charge of way more. You can't even beat a girl good enough so she won't laugh at you. Oh, no.

He didn't beat her. She was blacked out and just remembered from a blackout. You know how when you blackout and you remember all this stuff? No, it's not a blackout if you remember. Anyway, we'll save that for... That's on you, man. That's all I have to say about that. I can't rely on my memory,

and I just rely on other people telling me what happened. I'll stick with that. Write that down. That's coming up. You don't have to write it down. I'm going to cancel this podcast if you and Bree do not show up for people's court. All right. That's way more than a podcast

that's an abortion thanks for coming to court with me there's a lot of thank yous bingo you got a bunch of shit in the mail thank you for that someone sent Chad Shank money thanks for the Zippo lighter and he just got back from Vegas

I'm still getting mail from the hospital. Still getting mail. Bingo says she's still getting stuff from the hospital. Forwarded emails. Whoever sent the lighter from Q from Impractical Jokers. I gave that to Derek because he uses Zippos and I don't. Thank you very much. So that's from Q's.

Tell them Steve said, Dave said, I can't. Q's podcast from Impractical. We're drunk. Hey, Doug, how about this? Brett Erickson. You remember Brett Erickson? Yeah. He started a tour.

Brett Erickson. Brett Erickson. He's been seen on Google. And elsewhere. He's starting a tour, a six-state tour, a comedy horror tour, he's calling it. And it starts in Rock Island, Illinois, on August 31st at Ribco. You remember Ribco? Bingo, you do not.

Bingo doesn't, but she was carried out of a Denny's there. Cedar Falls, Iowa, September 1st at the Octopus. Ames, Iowa, September 2nd at DG's Taps House. What the fuck? Chicago. Oh, and the North Bar on September 3rd with Junior Stopka. And Chicago. Chicago.

All the dates can be picked up at brettericksoncomedy.com. That's Brett with two Ts. What's a Brett with one T? Just get us out of it. Can't we play... That's a bet. Can't we play Bird Cloud? Fuck that.

We haven't... What? What does it say? How about Rollercoaster of Love? Play what? Bird Cloud's coming out here. We're going to be playing them. I was going to say play some Hedberg out

some comedy I can't read that there's one right in front of you too oh I'm sorry someone put a post-it where a fucking cocktail nap fuck you this podcast sucks and it's your fault Chaley

everyone blame Chaley fuck you Chaley fuck you Chaley I Everyone blame Chaley. Fuck you Chaley. Fuck you Chaley. I already turned it off. So. I hate that he has the controls. Play Hedberg out. Mitch, I

something just came to me. What do you think of this? What? Why don't you go over there and do a stand up? Oh man, that's what I'm most comfortable doing. Here we go this is a great idea mitch will be performing mitch will be performing in minneapolis at acne comedy company april 6th to the 10th here he is the odd the funny mitch hedberg all right hey here here i am over here. All right.

I get free Nikes because I'm in the entertainment business. Nike sent me some shoes. Then all my friends want me to get them free shoes, too. So I got called to Nike Corporation and say, Hey, man, my feet have been fluctuating. And I'm starting to like the women's styles, too. I say the word totally too much, you know. I got to quit saying totally.

I want to replace it with the word that means the same thing but is different. Mitchell, do you like submarine sandwiches? All encompassingly. You know how they call corn on the cob corn on the cob but that's how it comes out of the ground man they should call that corn they should call they should call every other version corn off the cob it's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm mitch but then reattach it and call it Mitch Altogether. This show is loose.

I like that. They gave me beer backstage. My girlfriend's name is Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lynn, too. She spells it L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lynn, too. She spells it L-Y-N. Every now and then I mess up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name.

And she can tell because I don't say N as long. I had a carton of quick strawberry milk, and right on the carton it said, America's favorite strawberry milk. It must have come down to two options. Should we go with favorite or only? I'm going to tell a couple jokes from the side. I got to be on that 70s show this year. I did one episode of that 70s show. It was sweet because it was a real acting gig.

I put it on my acting resume. Before that, my acting resume was sparse. I had to make things up. Acting experience, okay. When I play pool, if I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. You know, if you had a friend who was a tight rope walker and you were walking down the sidewalk with him and he fell, that would That would be completely unacceptable. I hate these damn monitors. I just look at myself.

This is what my friend said to me. He said, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes. It's like, dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me, you have to insert pause. This show's bizarre. Craig looks right at your ass. That's cool. I like it. Well, I don't like him looking at my ass, but... I'm just kidding. That was silly.

But I'm a comic. All right, I gotta close it up now. I'm rambling, that was silly. But I'm a comic. Alright, I gotta close it up now. I'm rambling too much. Sorry. I had a piece of carefully sugarless gum, and I was still worried. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs. Foosball messed up my perception of soccer.

I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin round and round. I can't do a backflip. Much less several. Simultaneously with two other guys. That look just like me. I was on the bus and it was the middle of the night and I had a box of crackers and I had a can of Easy Cheese. But it was the middle of the night so I could not see.

So I could not see how much Easy Cheese I was applying to each cracker. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise as to how much Easy Cheese I had applied. Which makes me believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark as well thank you very much thank you very nice we'll be right back after this That was super. That was good.