The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. # 159: Doug's Next Special

Episode Date: August 26, 2016

Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.      Doug and Hennigan announce the release date of Doug's next comedy special. Hennigan is off to Burning Man.Take a second to download Periscope and add @DougStanhope.Recorded Aug 23, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Bingo (@BingoBingaman), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   I would get Seeso.com before Sept 15, 2016. Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Party Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com     Buy a SIGNED copy of Doug's book "Digging Up Mother: A Love Story" at DougStanhope.comSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, you know what? I'll just start it out and let Hennigan settle a debate from two of his peers from Smartfuck Academy. Oh, yeah. On KVOA, the local morning news that I tape, because it comes on at 6 a.m. I'm not always up at 6 a.m. So I taped the morning news with John Overall, Nicole Semery, Melanie Hunter with the traffic, and Jeff Beamish with the weather, and sports with Paul Cicala. And he's the one I'm sure I've mentioned before. He has that fucking run on.

The whole newscast is complete anchor man. And his the sports guy, his sign off is have a powerful, positive and productive day filled with lots of joy. But he his name is Paul C. Kala, but he pronounces it wrong. And he says like Chaley, he's he pronouncesces his own name Shaley, but it's Chaley. It's spelled C-H. Paul Cicala says it as though he's correcting you when you said it wrong. No, it's Cicala.

He emphasizes the first syllable. So I tweeted at him today, hey, you're pronouncing your name wrong because I'm a friend. I'm a fan of the show. I watch it every day jeff beamish i make awkward homosexual tweets at him here and again he doesn't respond anymore uh and i said uh hey you're pronouncing your name wrong you're putting the accent on the first syllable and uh instead of the second syllable and you're making it sound silly and someone said

it's not an accent it's stressing well and anyway two guys like you got into an argument whether is that right to say you're accenting the first uh putting the accent on the first syllable no he's putting the stress and then two guys from Smart Fuck Academy like Brian Hennigan here got into some battle about proper English. Grammar. Grammar. Well, I don't think it's grammar. Would it be grammar?

No, it'd just be pronunciation. Phonetics? Whatever. I mean, at this distance with no more knowledge than what you've just given me, I would have to go with it's a stress or emphasis. All right.

Well, they had a... I didn't... This is not how the podcast is supposed to start. Can you just shut that to fuck the dog down? You did say my name, I pronounced incorrectly. Yeah. It's spelled C-H-A-I-L-L-E. And I say Shaley.

Yeah. Or it's Chaley. And you say it's Chaley. c-h and where's uh junior stop out of chicago okay just one check i'm wrong where chair is from i also say sunny and chair yeah yeah no i got you uh Just before we started, you were talking about... Hang on, let me get back to it. It's not fucking, hi, this is Paul C. Kala with sports. You don't say a fucking name like that. Fuck you, Paul C. Kala. Can't he say his name any way he wants to?

No, we can't. No. Okay. No, you can't just pick things like that. Right. Well, but like origin has a big part in it, doesn't it? And how he grew up saying his name? Yeah, it was constantly corrected.

Yeah, unless his middle name is Christopher and his last name is Kala, he shouldn't be pronouncing it like that. Well, it's like if you called him Paul Bacala and you know it's C-Kala. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was B-Kala and you know it's C-cala. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was B-cala. No, it's C-cala.

Okay, now go back to correct with C-cala. All right, thank you. Fucking won another argument. All right, Brian Hennigan's here. Greg Chaley's here. We were fucking so close to getting Derek and Bree on People's Court, but he had Wii Golf tonight. They go over to neighbor Dave's and play the Wii Golf with Floyd.

Kenny bailed out just in case action started over here, but it never did. So we're going to have to do that after Vegas. In the meantime, we have a fantastic... Oh, there you go with the fucking thing. What? It's coming through that. I don't know. I was trying to play the people's court.

God damn it. We don't have to play the people's court because it's not happening. It goes back to the last podcast. Chad Shag was ready to jump out of bed and fucking drive 45 minutes to get here in time for people's court. But we'll make it happen afterwards. But this place just got loaded with bugs. It was fine. And now you can't wait to get out of this fucking place during monsoons.

I live in the desert because shit is dead. That's what I like about it. So during July and August, the rains come and then everything gets green and everyone applauds. And then it's just masses of fucking gnats and mosquitoes and flies and i fucking hate them and as soon as the first freeze comes and i just watch dead flies i don't even clean them out of my my uh you know where the window is when window you leave them you leave them there as a warning to other insects. Like apocalypse now. Heads on stakes. I do the same thing with

unanswered emails. Very effective. Alright, the big news right out of the gate today. Boom. And Friday when you're listening to this. Yeah, the announcement that the new special, Doug Stanhope's No Place Like Home,

is going to premiere on CISO. Explain CISO to the people, Brian Hennigan. When, when, when? Oh, September 15th. September 15th, yeah. Which is, coincidentally, Mother's Birthday. How about that? Yeah.

How about that for nice? So CISO is a streaming platform basically like Netflix that was started up by NBC Universal because they thought, why should we be giving away or selling our content to other people when we could perfectly well do this ourselves,

particularly now that we're owned by, I think, Comcast, and they have huge deep pockets yeah i guess there's a few uh pigs fighting for the tits in this uh whole streaming business yeah uh and uh cso came up strong because they got i can't name a lot of names uh i'll just drop their names later actually big jay ok Oakerson, this is already out on CISO. And John Doerr, and a guy I just talked to

that's a good friend of mine. But the paperwork's not done, so he can't announce it. I'll just ease his name. Everyone is raving about the Dan Harmon show. Harmon Quest, I'm already, well, it took only one evening to get through the entire season.

It's fucking amazing. And yeah, that was worth the subscription right there. They also have Monty Python, apparently. Yeah, Monty Python. Wait, now he has a series? Yeah, called Harmont Quest. Because I saw his documentary. Harmontown.

Yeah. And we liked that. Yeah. And I realized who he was from that documentary, Harmontown. Well, Tracy, what's the dungeon master, dragon master? Spencer. Spencer is the Dungeons and Dragons guy that was like another little storyline

through that documentary. Hey, Kenny, will you just dim the lights, kill the upper lights and dim the bar lights because it's got that feeling, this podcast. Tracy is whittling yarn or whatever. There you go. Yeah, just dim them a little bit. Dim those a little bit.

No, the bar lights, the bar lights. He grabbed the bottle opener that's affixed to the wall. It was a trending topic on Twitter tonight as we're waiting for Brian to get in his pints enough to talk on the podcast and it was a uh the worst pain ever in three words was the hashtag so we're killing time just and and Kenny's just sitting there trying to figure out what was his first one four words yeah whatever it was it was something about it must be broken. I think it's broken. Yeah. Anyway, so he's been sitting there just in a daze trying to think of three words that are three words and not four or two.

Do you have another one? Have you come up with one yet? No. All right. You have until the end of the podcast. Harmon Quest is basically Spencer, the Dungeons and Dragons guy that's in Harman Town. He's a total fixture now. And they're playing Dungeons and Dragons with three recurring characters.

Dan Harmon, the gal, which we found out is his live-in wife or something. And then Jeff Davis. I think that's his sidekick. And then they bring in a celebrity or someone notable, and they go through it, and it's animated for parts of it, and it's fucking hilarious. So it's like comics with coffee and cars, but with Dungeons and Dragons and cartoons.

And they have either played it or they haven't, and it's just like a really, Harmon described it as, it's a really weak improv open mic, which I just sold it to you. I love that guy from Harmontown. And he does a travel, on that he does a traveling podcast,

which we've talked about, and we'll only do it if Chad Shank's involved. Yeah. But this is good, and I love it. I mean, Tracy and I got through it in one night. Actually, over two days, we got through the entire time. How do people get CISO? Google.

Yeah, just fucking Google. CISO.com. Exactly. Thank you. Yeah. I look to Brian because Brian, he's the guy with the facts. Yeah. Did you ever play Dungeons and Dragons? No. Thank you. I look to Brian because Brian's the guy with the facts. Did you ever play Dungeons and Dragons? No.

We played Risk. I did. Risk was good. And then once I forgot how to play it, I remembered how much of a pain in the ass it is to learn to play it. And then who has fucking nine hours? I couldn't play Risk because thinking about playing Risk got me so excited I couldn't play it.

It's you not being able to watch Man U play a game. It's not being able to watch soccer. It gets me too excited. Is Risk the one world domination? Yes. I used to get too excited about that. You wonder why Hennigan might have a problem playing that? I think we actually used the pieces from Risk

when we ran out of sorry pieces. Oh. Anyone for a game of Candyland? Let's gas all the Urkucks. There was another game called Apocalypse that involved nuclear weapons. Apocalypse then? No, it was just called Apocalypse and involved nuclear weapons. then no it's just called apocalypse and involved

nuclear weapons i like that one too the um you didn't have a lot of friends growing up no i obviously had to have friends to play the game live friends yeah oh i see yeah i'm sure a lot of them are pedophiles we have that arm wrestling game that kenny plays by himself uh-huh we have to compete against each other and uh And Kenny will just hit both buttons and arm wrestle against himself. One way to guarantee you're a winner. Well, it's really hard to actually play by yourself. It's designed to play with two people.

You have to go... Lefty's going to lose unless you're a lefty. So my point being is Hennigan could have played world domination against himself all by himself. In those short pants that you picture. Knickers, I guess they call them. Or Jodspurs.

Jodspurs. You picture Brian Hennigan as a little boy and it's the same little boy from Pink Floyd, The Wall. Mommy, when's daddy coming home? He's not. That was brilliant.

He's not. It's funny, I just thought, because I was going to say, obviously, playing Dungeons and Dragons, I quickly became... Oh, you played a lot. Oh, I had a lot. Yeah. Oh, I had no idea.

I remember getting the first... I remember having the first... the first Dungeon Master book by Gary Gijax, never knew how to pronounce it, flown over, and I felt I was... I think I was the second or third person in the UK

to get it. I was so excited. Wow. Yeah the UK to get it I was so excited wow yeah and I gave up immediately like obviously yeah you reach the top yeah it's like my career you get bored with things quick and you move on yeah but I still reprise the term dungeon master every time I book a tour for you guys that's an inside joke about our accommodations. That's his fake hotel name.

We're trying to... We should be more celebratory. Oh, we are. Hey, the special. We're announcing the special. But that's how we do things. We do this all the time. The fucking special.

We're shit at celebrating things i don't even know which one it is no here's the thing is we couldn't announce this forever the same reason i can't announce who else is going to be on cso get cso uh yeah but uh yeah so we've we've we've filmed this fucking thing in november you have to understand i developed this special over like 18 months to where it got to the point we filmed it and that was last november and then you start getting in a finger fucking with every you know lawyer and agent and shit and who's got a bidding and all right this is coming out in sept. That's like almost a fucking year. Wow.

And that was with us putting a lot of effort into it. Yeah. More than you used to? The point is, it fucking holds up. Oh, yeah. I sat going through the bits in my head today going, like, none of it's irrelevant. Well, when you do a production like that, a DVD,

it is basically, that is a snapshot. And then the longer it sits, it could potentially be irrelevant. There is a Duggar's Daughter reference joke bit. Yeah, I mean, I... You know what? It's not like there's been a lot of reality show incest molestation cases since then. This is what stands out. This is what stands out.

And now you got a little tip. You know, just Google Duggars and you'll be right up to speed. Yeah, the Duggars were the Mary Joan Bernal. Yes, exactly. Yeah, and I obviously edited it fairly recently in terms of like we... Hold on. Didn't you...

No, because what you know... Hagen did all the fucking... He's the director, producer. Did you get director credit on this? Oh, yeah. Congratulations. Thank you. Good for you.

Chaley got director credit on the audio book. Yeah. So, yeah, you've got two directors here, so there's going to be a pissing match. I can smell it. Chaley and Tracy got credit on the thing that's coming out, No Place Like Home. I made up some titles.

I can't remember what they were. Thanks for putting it out like that. Well, I can't remember. You know what I mean? It was appropriate. Mr. Chaley, I'm looking over your bogus credits here. It's pretty impressive. It's pretty impressive. Well. You know what I mean? It was appropriate. Mr. Shaley, I'm looking over your bogus credits here. It's pretty impressive. It's pretty impressive.

Well, you know what I mean. I was sitting there and I knew you'd... Speculum disinfectant? Yeah, you know. Tell me a little bit about that job. Or is it disinfector? I'll go to Twitter to find out. Chief lingerer.

Yeah, and so I obviously, you know, getting down to the fine tuning of the edit where you're really micro tuning it I watched it repeatedly and it's like yeah this completely holds up yeah there wasn't a single bit I thought

or you gotta pull it or we could do it without no that's good that's because all my Al Gore references are still fresh. I don't even know what's... Your Jokerbert cell phones? Oh, my God, that's so good. You mean mobile?

Yeah. These people with the mobile phones, they think they're so cool. That's how long I've been doing comedy. That was a fresh hack premise when I started. Yeah, people come into the titty bar with their mobile phone and think they're all fucking cool.

I wanted to find every comic from the 80s and just start slapping cell phones out of their hands and playing their A&E's evening at the improv bit back to them. Remember that? No. No, no mobile phone. Anyway. So it's coming out September 15th.

Yeah, Mother's Birthday. We don't know yet. What a drag this podcast is. We don't know as yet where it's coming out in the rest of the world. It could be Amazon. It could be Netflix. Yeah. They fucking know how to steal stuff over there.

Yeah. They don't wait for an appropriate. Oh, wait. CISO is only North America? Correct. Okay. So then you've got international sales, which is going to be handled with another deal.

Yeah. All right. So North America includes Mexico. And Canada. So people could illegally immigrate into Mexico and get my special. Yes. Kind of like the Iceland prison show

where you had to get arrested to see the show. Yeah. Now people can illegally immigrate into Mexico. White Europeans. Also, bear in mind. Sneaking across the border late at night. Which is way less bad than what was required for you for the Iceland show,

because bear in mind it was maximum security. You had to do something really bad to get into the Iceland show. Right right as opposed to just wanting a tan well yeah no if you go to Iceland and you smuggle drugs or kill a guy you get a college education yeah their maximum security prison is that fucking brilliant where that everyone was taking online courses hanging out you were playing fucking Wii golf they were playing some kind of game like that. It was soccer. It was the FIFA Pro, and both Doug and I thought

it was a real game. We were watching it thinking, who's playing it this time of day? And of course it was them playing a game. Yeah. Kenny would go to prison in fucking Iceland and go, oh man, I can't believe I slummed it with those kids for so long.

This is so great. I can't believe I could have just killed a guy in Iceland and I'd be living fucking high on the hog. You were able to hang out with prisoners in their cell and stuff, weren't you? Yeah, you couldn't smoke in the common area. So they'd go, oh, well, you can smoke in my cell and stuff, weren't you? Yeah, you couldn't smoke in the common area. So they'd go, oh, well, you can smoke in my cell. And I'd go hang out.

You could smoke in the cells, but not in the... They're fucking dorms, basically. The guy that showed us around at the end said we were at the gate and he took us to the gate and we said, do you want to lift back into Reykjavik? And he went, no, I'm one of the inmates. We thought

he was a social worker or something. Fucking blow this sweet gig? Are you kidding me? There's guys dying to get in here. And the kitchen, they have a communal kitchen. They had real fucking knives which, and again, this is the only safety precaution, which were attached to the

table by steel wire. Like a bank pen so you could you could stab someone to death you just had to do it in the kitchen yeah he had to trust you to get within arm's length yeah you have to be a foot away yeah and we met the guy hey get closer to the uh green onion does that smell fresh closer closer still and we met the guy who is iceland's most notorious criminal who basically had killed two people as part of a fucked up drug deal yeah and that was he was the most notorious killer in iceland yeah it was an accident yeah it was supposed to be a drug drug smuggling but i

like a balloon burst or some weird basically becomes a sort of fargo situation and he killed two people oh no it was a bus. Drove and hit him but I was there and... Well then he tried to hide the bodies or something. During the commission of a crime, yeah. Some silliness like that. Yeah. Would you go back to Iceland? I was just going to say, we should take you, the trailies

to... Well that's where we made the decision coming through a circle to tape the special No Place Like Home. After the last night of the gig in Iceland we're sitting in a hotel room and Doug was like let's just do it in fucking Bisbee Minneapolis was the only

major market we didn't do on that tour on purpose eventually it became on purpose the only venue that I really wanted to play was fucked so then I really wanted to play was fucked. So then, all right, then I'd have to fly to Minneapolis and like location scout. And it just became this mental fucking quagmire.

And then I was like, fuck it. Let's just film it in Bisbee. Yeah. Fuck it. And it worked out. When you were in Iceland, you were doing European dates and you were ending up in Iceland. Trace and I actually looked for dates.

We were going to go there. And the flight to Iceland from the East Coast was relatively inexpensive. I couldn't believe it. It was getting to Boston and then Boston to LaGuardia. That was more than everything else. Iceland Air only flies out of, I don't know, a handful of cities. DC, East Coast, and Minneapolis. Getting to where we needed to get the flight was way more than it was going to be to fly round trip to Iceland and back.

Well, yeah. Iceland Air evidently has the thing where you can fly if you're flying like london from the east coast you they'll give you seven days you can stop yeah in reykjavik like a layover and and hang out for no extra charge and then go on i do wish to point out there was only one major casualty of that whole thing which was i had set up to have a 10-day holiday vacation in seclusion at the one of the most remote places i could possibly find on earth on earth which is east iceland on this farm and in a little cottage on the farm and that was perfect for what i wanted to do which is basically nothing and some writing it wasn't ideal for suddenly trying to organize a gig in Bisbee.

I was like... The second most remotest place on the earth. I was up at like till three in the morning every day shouting at people as I do about deals and things. In a remote farmhouse? Exactly. Wait, who In a remote farmhouse? Exactly. Wait, who had the remote farmhouse? Bisbee or Iceland?

That's where we filmed it, in a remote farmhouse in Bisbee. And that was our first actual attempt at anything at the Royale under the new ownership, right? No, no, we did... The new ownership. New ownership.

I quantified it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, now, through KBRP, give them a plug. KBRP Radio. That's right. So, yeah, that will finally be coming out. Yep. That's why it's not like a celebratory time.

It's like, Jesus, put that fucking special... And again, before anyone asks, I'm sure it's going to follow exactly the same thing as before. It'll come out on CISO. It'll only be available on CISO apart from bootlegs for three or four months or something, and then they'll be exclusive. Yeah, then we'll have hard copies we can sign and pour at booths.

What? We can sell things in merch? Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Chaley. You're employed for another year. Right on. We can sell things in March? Yeah, yeah. Don't worry, Jaylee. You're employed for another year. Right on. Yes, so that's good.

CDs and DVDs, it's really weird. It's like there's a resurgence online sometimes where they'll start buying, like we just reissued something to take the edge off as a vinyl, and of course that does it, but all of a sudden people start buying some of the older ones. What's the pack we have? From across the street?

We're sold out. We're still trying to get some more of those. No, we still got to get no refunds. No refunds, we're totally sold out. I haven't had that for almost a year. Both Brian and I have been on major benders lately so yeah hey business might be slow but it is interesting that there's there in this world of like digital media where you can just totally download it people do still sometimes i can't

i can't guess the market i'll tell you that right now just to go into that a little bit that's because uh the whole purpose of merch and things like that is that they're cultural artifacts and people are actually just trying to buy some connection. That's why people buy vinyl. Exactly. If you view them as cultural artifacts as opposed to something of practical use.

A good example of that is the book. Yeah. I mean, we're buying the book and we're having to buy it from I appreciate you giving me the connection to the publisher but it's just way easier I don't have to hold a lot of stock and I do have to say that that is one of the only things

we're bringing to Vegas on the 28th is I'm bringing Digging Up Mother for you to sign at the merch booth and that's about it bringing a couple of shirts hey listen that's your fucking problem. Well, I'm just saying, we're not bringing a whole complete merch layout

like we did on tour. I think that's Chaley's way of explaining why the people in the back row are going to be crammed in by books. Oh, in the van. In the van. Put your feet up. Speaking of cultural artifacts yep ebay yard sale we get a fucking we're gonna have to pull the trigger on that because poor fucking kelly and brad have had that shit over at their house but you were gonna do something different i thought

we we've talked about should we just sell one item per podcast? But that would be, I think there's 140 items. We're going to have to do another yard sale. And then maybe after that, we can do one weird thing per podcast. But yeah, probably September. We'll do that.

Can I float an idea by you? Yeah. What if we let Kelly and Brad do what they planned on doing? And we cherry pick a few notable items, and then we offer them up on a shorter auction? All right, this is not a time for brainstorming. I'm just saying, weekly, as we go through a podcast, we can just do it as the podcast auction.

Yeah, it's not like I don't have more shit since then. We loaded them up with all that stuff. We were going to do this in June or something or May. So that's just sitting in their house? Yeah. Well, then we had to, you don't want to fucking dump a bunch of shit on people all at once. Hey, buy my book.

Get Seeso. Get the audio version of my book. We have vinyl. We have vinyl. We have new t-shirts come to these dates listen just give me all of your fucking money just give me every penny you have now just just make me the uh give me your inheritance what oh kenny's like oh wow he's watching baseball over that's two words i've had that happen right well just where you think a chick is fucking looking back at you and you realize she's watching the tv behind your head at the bar you're making eyes at her kenny just did that to me like oh wow Like I just said something profound and it made me

back up. What's that? It's Kenny. Kenny's getting texted from Derek. So yeah, the eBay yard sale. This was today's news. This pisses me off a lot.

Whoa. Truman Capote's ashes are going on sale at an auction house. Sotheby's? It's not Christie's. It's something with a J, I think. But anyway, we tried to do this with Mother's Ashes on eBay, and it got shut down immediately. It was going to be for the Humane Society.

But isn't that because of federal regulations about the transport of things across borders it was it said it's against the law well this is not against the law and the washington post says that uh unless like native american for some reason you can't sell native american human remains but uh otherwise yeah so i found that old email all right ebay shut us down and it says it's against uh the law ebay policy probably what's against ebay policy for sure which is that's fine but no shirt no shoes no service they can make up their own yeah yes it's you know the whites only well yeah yes yeah, I guess. Getting to make it a different argument altogether. But yeah,

no smoking. Okay, but point is, how can I fucking, how could I auction off Mother's Ashes without going through Christie's, because Christie's ain't going to fuck with Doug Stanhope. But wait a minute, though.

I mean, aren't there any left? Haven't you snorted them all? We never brought that up. Oh, sorry. Apparently I will be editing this one. Well, you can just edit out the snorted. Haven't you?

We'll just call that a tease. One day you'll hear later that story but not until a lot of people die uh yeah uh yeah i would guess that it could well be an explanation like when some when um the ashes or any aspect of a person is famous, they become more than just ashes, and therefore that's what you're selling. I don't know. So it's some sort of collectible or memorabilia?

I'm throwing this out to the fucking people that are going to sit around and do due diligence to figure out exactly what the law is. eBay, yeah, I understand. Yes, no smoking in your bar. I get it. But how do we auction them off? Isn't there some auction site that is willing to take on something like that? Yeah, that's not a Sotheby's or a Christie's.

I don't see how you couldn't do it just by the auction facility that's available on brown paper tickets. There's only one ticket for sale, and they have an auction ability, and there's only one winning ticket. All right, well, now write it down. I don't need to. I'll hear that. Oh, only one winning ticket. Alright, well now write it down. I don't need to, I'll hear that. Oh yeah, yes, I don't need to write it down. Hey Brian, what we were talking about last night, you were going to talk about your fucking

recent stuff. I've got it here. I don't know, I was drinking. I wrote it down though, and I looked at it this morning with a new sense of discovery. I'll write it down just. And I looked at it this morning with a new sense of discovery. I'll write it down though, just to keep you happy. I always thought that, uh, that, well, I had a buddy in high school whose dad passed away and the step-mom, uh, held the ashes and there was no will. And he definitely had a will.

And my, my, my best friend in high school, it was right after high school this happened and he was like i mean he's not a kid i mean he's 19 years old saying look i want some of the ashes because me and my father used to surf in this one like secluded space for years they would go up there they'd hike in and they'd surf for the weekend because i just want you know want some ashes and at one point she just left a baggie like a ziplock bag of ashes like stuffed in the doorknob that

stuffed at the door somewhere and that was fucking like what the fuck it's a human right? turns out the law sees a baggie a zploc bag full of ashes left at a front door like someone leaving an arm at the front door in California. And yeah, that was highly illegal what she had done and like separating things.

But I just found out with my mom. Such dog shit. If they don't know you're doing it, it just gets done as long as no one cares about it. Yes. The auction thing is interesting because you're not only going to do it like have an auction to sell remains,

but like Brian brought up, across state lines, possibly. Which that causes all sorts of problems. Weird shit. First of all, we'd have to find a charity. And you know my stance on charities. You're just paying mostly for fucking pamphlets. So we'd have to find, like Rebecca Witzman, the atheist girl,

a specific person that's going to get the money. Like a dedicated one like like a cat shelter well one that's perfect some other crazy lady that's actually oh i see not humane society that has to do a lot of advertising where you know they three percent of the actual money goes to the some hoard hoarder has been thrown out of our house who has a lot of cats. Have you seen Poverty Inc.? No. It's a documentary I tried to watch today,

but it was just too much information, and I was all depressed and hungover, and I don't want to learn shit. I already did the bit. over and i i don't want to learn shit i already did the bit i hit like whoever uh and i i were backed up in thank yous i have a stack of thank yous of people who sent me shit but someone sent me two different now uh books about overpopulation like i don't need to know any more about that every fucking special I put out has a bit about overpopulation on

some level. And you're sending me books. Oh, he's interested in this. You got them interested in it and then they're sending you the book. It's like saying, I want to watch the space shuttle take off. I'm not really interested in physics.

I don't know. I don't get that. No, I don't get that at all. I'm saying, I don't need to read up on things that I've obviously read up on. I appreciate it. And I pass that on to people

who need to fucking know. But I don't know where the fuck I was. Okay, so... I know everyone else has already tuned out and they're bidding on Truman Capote's ashes. I just read up on that.

Do you know where they're coming from? What? Johnny Carson's wife's estate. Yeah. Johnny Carson's wife had them. Yeah, he died in their house. What?

He died in their house. Really? Yeah, and he thought, yeah, he wanted them to have the ashes because he was all into shock stuff. Johnny Carson was? No. Truman Capote. Okay.

Got you. Died at fucking 59, a liver failure. That's a hard worker. I know. Hey, Chaley. I drifted out of the story when I read it and going, wait, all right. Well, he used a lot of drugs. I don't use a lot of drugs.

I use some drugs. Chaley, come on. I don't drink a lot of water, though. I'm just doing math. And then Hennigan walks in what are you working on uh just uh dumping some emails getting through some emails that's what he said anyway doing math in my head about how much longer i have wow how many summers do i have left i didn't do anything this summer I should have gone to New England I should have gone fishing

for largemouth bass at Cook's Pond how many summers do I have left but the mosquitoes in the summer are fucking awful why would I go to a place with mosquitoes what are you working on some business What are you working on? Some business.

I was just going to say, you got all despondent there. It's a glass half full situation. It's like nine more years, Chaley. Come on. It's nine more years. I'm getting my hernia checked on Thursday. Why bother? I've lived with it for two years.

Oh, that's the Uncle Bill. That's another nine years. Maybe if you don't get it checked, it'll only be four years. I'm saying this is what I was working on when you said, what are you working on? You fucked him up on the math. I have a really hot surgeon. I don't have insurance. I'm paying cash because she's a really hot surgeon. I don't have insurance.

I'm paying cash because she's a really hot surgeon. Should I manscape? How much should I manscape? Jen Luria. No, no, no. Jen Luria, hey. Sorry, you don't have a fucking Android.

You don't know how to turn off the goddamn ringer oh no that's shady jen that was god damn it that was the fucking shady shady dell why don't you call her right now yeah no shady jen that's how i had her in my phone before she dumped jason so now she's in my phone as Shady-er Jen, and he's Shady Jen because he got to keep the phone number in the divorce. Oh, my God. Why don't we take a break?

The worst secretary ever. Let's take a break. You can make that phone call, and then... Actually, let's take a break, and we'll be back. All right. Woo!

That's right. Digging Up Mother is on audible.com. Audible.com for all your audio book needs. If you spend any time whatsoever in traffic, get audio books. They will change the world for you. And if you've listened to Digging Up Mother with myself and Chad Shank doing the reading. And you want to give me shit about how much I suck worse than Chad Shank. Do that, but make sure you include at audible.com in the tweet.

So Audible knows that you want more Chad Shank reading books. Because I think he's launching a new career. So when you give me shit and congratulate Chad Shank in a tweet, make sure you add at audible.com. I would appreciate that. I've been reading all of the reviews on audible. So a couple of people have been very nice to me. So thanks.

Maybe I'll read more books. So, yeah, that's our commercial, audible.com. And they have other shit, too. They probably have other books that they have out. Or is it just my book? It's just yours? Just mine. Flagship book.

Audible.com for all your audiobook needs. Hennegan doesn't even know what that music is. I don't. Yet, he was... He just became an American citizen, and he doesn't know what the People's Court is? No. What questions are they asking you on that test?

What are the original founding states? Bollocks. Bollocks. Hey, we have a special guest appearance Bingo Bing Bong Ding Dong Dingaman is here I'm opening some fan mail Don't chew on the mic

You're doing the two things I thought you were talking to me I'm backing off the mic To finish sucking hummus And pita chips out of my teeth. I have the... Oh, here, this... Who is this person from?

Let me grab the letter. Hold on, right here. Yeah, let's... Someone read the letter. This is gross. This present is gross. This is from... Eva Ray.

W-R-A-Y. Okay. And she says... Well, it's three pages. I'm not going to read it. Those are worms. She sent you worms in the mail. It's disgusting.

You shouldn't open it because it's formaldehyde, and she does say it's a carcinogen. What am I supposed to do with them, though? Well, eat them, obviously. Oh, my God. They're a mixture for tequila. Yeah. That's horrible.

Do you want to get some low-rent tequila that doesn't have a worm in the bottom? Who's this from? Eva Ray. Eva Ray, thank you for the worms. Where do you think pate comes from? Oh, God. Okay, what else do we got? Crinkling bags.

Andy Andrews just tuned out. Wait. But she did give you two things that worked. I know. What mouth sounds are to me, crinkling bags are to Andy. I wonder... This is going to be gross.

Eva, I did get your request. Thanks for sending the postage return for the signed book. I appreciate that. Yeah, a couple people sent shit. Hey, if you sent me some stuff that I was supposed to sign and send back, I don't get around to things.

But it's in the works. I got it to Chaley, so he'll eventually remember to tell me. Yeah, and if you're sending something, you need return postage. Hey, while you're doing all this dead air, how about I do a quick plug? Yeah.

Yeah. Let's do that. Nick DiPaolo is a great comedian. Magnificent comedian. One of my favorites. Nick DiPaolo, I get a lot of emails. I don't always agree with what you say, but you're funny. And that's how I feel about a lot of those New York guys are like aggro kind of,

uh, Republican, fuck them, kill them all in jail. Kind of. They don't sit on the fence. No, but fucking Nick DiPaolo is a legend.

And, uh, I, I hope to see him on some commercial free, uh, streaming streaming platform soon. But what ones could those be, Doug? You know what? There's a few in the mix.

The strong one seems to be CISO. Oh, CISO. Yeah. I've heard of them. I hope to see his new special on that soon because he is a fucking monster i think nick dipalo and ceasar would be an excellent fit i'm thinking of jokes of his old bits of his where i go i completely disagree and i'm laughing my balls off and i'll repeat it to people at the bar you know what fucking animal testing i can't do it. Nick DiPaolo. Animal testing.

And I'll destroy this fucking bit. I'll ruin it so badly. You know what I say? If hooking up a pair of jumper cables to a monkey's brain cures AIDS, I have two things to say. Red is positive. Black is negative. Completely against it. But fucking funny as shit. That is positive. Black is negative. Completely against it, but fucking funny as shit.

That is funny. And kind of arguable. So hopefully we see Nick DiPaolo. This has been a commercial spot for Nick DiPaolo. Bingo, are you done fucking unwrapping things? I didn't wrap it. I'm unwrapping it. Oh, my God. These are like...

My morning rage. I think there's leeches in here. Well, some of them are a fluke. I think that one's a fluke. No, no, no, bingo. Those are lychees. You should eat them. They're sweet, but salty.

She did include also in the package, because you just handed me a box full of stuff, and you said this is from some people, and I didn't know, so I'm going through it. She did send a rather extensive history of what these parasites are. This is what a dick I can be in the morning,

is when I get the mail, and people have just sent stuff because they're nice, but if they overtape it, I'm just throwing this fucking thing away. What do I have to saw through this fucking thing to open it that you sent me out of the goodness of your heart?

This is the worst. This is like a heat gun to plastic on it. That's a fluke. That's a fluke. That's a tapeworm. I didn't mean it's a mistake. That's a fluke. That's a tapeworm. I didn't mean it's a mistake. It's a fluke worm. Oh, that's horrible.

Thank you, Ann. You're going to send them to Lindy Mindy and you know it. Why are we unwrapping them? You're just going to have to wrap them again. Thank you very much for the worms. You know, in other places, this would be considered biological warfare.

Yeah. At Johnny Carson's house? If you send this to the president, there'd be somebody knocking at your door. Alright, we'll be right back with this. I get a piss, and then we're going to get into Brian Hennigan's travails. Yeah. That means troubles. Hey, people. When you're finished jacking Yeah. That means troubles. Redbox, who I just excoriated on my last podcast, or this podcast.

I don't know when this goes in. So go to RedTube and type in your favorite fetish. And once you're done beating off to all of that, find their... they're all connected. Porn Hub, HubTube, I don't know. PornTube, YouPorn. Once I switched from YouPorn to RedTube, there was no going back.

Yeah, that's true. I'm still a RedTube guy. Big fan, big fan. Big fan, big fan. I didn't know. Your world's about to change, sir. At one point, I don't know how you put videos up there. I think I was trying to... Submit to the...

I was trying to get my fans to put my clips up under different fetish names, but I should have learned my lesson when I did Girls Gone Wild and I thought it would be funny. You're just going to make people really fucking hate you.

Seems like an anger thing. A crank-fueled pound session. And then there's you doing a fisting joke. You like fisting? Here's a bit. No. No, don't do that. Anyway, RedTube.

Watch RedTube. And they have new videos daily. But a lot of times I find myself beaten off to that same old favorite. The classics. You go, I'm going to go. I'm going to beaten off to that same old favorite. The classics. You go, I'm going to go, I'm going to jerk off to, I remember that. The Red Badge of Courage. Humiliation handjob lady. Yeah, I'm going to come back to you.

And no, I could never satisfy you with that dick that small. Thanks for the cock ring. Red Tube, brought to you by the Doug Stanhope Podcast. Not affiliated with the color red or tubes. Or Redbox. Okay. Hey, Bingo. Shut that screen.

These fucking bugs are relentless. These bugs are relentless. All right. So to finish up what I was talking about, because I'm actually poking at it as I do all the time, my hernia is getting closer and closer. The surgery that I'm going to get, I have to... I want to plug her name, but this is no insurance. This is Cash

Hernia Operation and I don't know that she's an accredited doctor but she did my last one. That's a great fucking website. We should get that. CashHerniaOperation.com That'd be a fucking winner. So I'll wait until we have her

permission. She's doing back alley hernias. I don't know what I'm getting into, but she did my last one. That's fine. Did you meet her at a bar to do the hernia operation? I met her through friends. How does anyone meet anyone these days? Yeah, so it was a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of situation.

you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours kind of situation. I never, even when I had insurance back when I did the television, I wouldn't know how to use it. That's why with this CISO, I'm like, you pitch it, Brian, because I don't know how to, Chaley does all that stuff for me. I don't know what a streaming platform is. So this is a streaming platform of hernia surgery and you're the streaming platform yeah but uh she's quite cute and uh i don't know quite how to i don't want to manscape too much uh like you meant to it should be like it should be like a regular thing like i want maintenance i

don't want to look too uh needy or eager. Eager. That's what I was looking for. Are you going to dye it? What color is it now? Thank you. Yeah, there's no squats to do to get rid of it. At the same time, also, you don't want to make it too jocular. You don't want your surgeon laughing. Yeah. Well, she's Asian. I don't want to make it too jocular. You don't want your surgeon laughing. Yeah.

Well, she's Asian. I don't think they laugh. I don't think they're capable. I don't know. Yeah, it's like a... Well, they fake it. It's like an alien autopsy. They giggle.

They're going to probe you and then remove this thing. What is this particular hernia? This is more serious than the last one. Well, it's closer to your dick and that's when that dude you mean the center of the universe the dude that uh remember we we did the uh hernia test i think it was nashville someone louis st louis it was at that yeah it was Yeah, it was the community center. Yeah, I had just found my ventral hernia, which I'm not getting fixed. That's where your abdominal muscles separate. So if I do a sit-up, it looks like alien is coming out between my abdominal muscles.

Like you ate a hoagie in one bite. I haven't had any sit-ups in fucking nine years. Like a hoagie in one bite. You swallowed it like a python. Yeah. fucking nine years like a big like a hoagie in one bite yeah you swallowed it like a python yeah but uh so he checked both of them across the merch booth i just went shirtless and pulled my pants down a bit and uh he checked it at the merch booth and he wants yeah he goes the inguinal i'd fix because the closer to your dick and then then since then, we've heard stories about someone's guts falling all into their ball sack. That walked me last night. You guys were talking last night. Chili was walked from a conversation.

Yeah, chili's an easy puker. So yeah, it keeps getting closer and closer to my ball sack, and I just keep picturing all my guts falling into my ball sack from my lack of activity and not in a funny way oh imagine the 10 minutes i'd get out of that uh so let's move on and wrap this up because this was supposed to be about you brian hennigan no not really it really was this was supposed to be people's court exactly Exactly. Well, no, no. Brian, well, we had to promote the CISO thing.

Oh, that's true. We did. That was our big announcement. That was our big announcement. That we knew was coming for a long time. So we're not as enthused as you should be out there. Get that CISO, people. That's right.

All your favorite shows in a streaming platform. Yeah, right now we're kind of like, yeah, yeah, we landed on the moon. Yeah. Listen, I ordered, well, I subscribed to CISO when you told me this was going to happen. I didn't know what was going to happen,

like the announcement was going to happen this week, so I figured, oh, we'll check it out. And I fucking loved it. And for you to be on there that's great and then you said a couple months later you'll have the you'll available on a dvd as well but we couldn't say shit well it's not done yet and then there's things hollywood is so oh yeah yeah just oh we want to capitalize on the momentum of the book oh just shut up fucking marketing well they have to do that because the people were it works or they wouldn't we want to capitalize on the momentum of the book. Oh, shut up. Really? Marketing.

Well, they have to do that because the people were, it works or they wouldn't do it. But yeah, I had to sit here and shut my mouth. When's the special coming out? I don't know. If I do know,

I can't say it until I'm drinking and then Jaley edits it out of the podcast. So yeah, September 15th. CISO. Brian Hennigan, not only a gypsy manager. What does that mean? I don't know. Okay, keep going.

Not only a tightwad, a miserable, hard to deal with. That's what gypsy means? No, no, I'm carrying on with all my descriptions. He's Boban and Scatton, no, I'm carrying on with all my descriptions of him. He's Boban and Skatten. Yeah, you're also back to doing some stand-up comedy on the set.

That's right, I did. Yes, I did. That's one thing I do appreciate about Brian, is he did do stand-up comedy on some level, unlike any other fucking manager. Unlike most managers. I'm sure there is a few. I figure there's a few.

There must be. Managers, whatever. He understands what failure feels like. Standing up in front of a microphone pointed at you is intimidating. Yeah, you do understand things like, I can't see anything from the stage and things like that and what does it sound like i can hear my voice how do we turn that off yeah so yeah but we get a good door deal no but it's a shitty venue he understands sure he doesn't seem to doesn't deter

him no i understand i don't care but i understand i focus on the things that are important yeah yeah no i and uh yeah i got to the point where i had to say i was a decent middle act as we call it in the uk which is what we should call it here because everyone understands what a middle act is it's the guy or girl in the middle well it's not the feature though here's for the listener yeah uh the the nomenclature in the business is the middle act here is called the feature act where you don't know the fucking a feature act that sounds like the main act exactly until you say headliner and they go oh i guess i don't know what feature means then in a movie featuring is the star all right every comic there, never use the word feature act again, ever.

Let's start from here. Say middle act. That makes it easy for the people coming to the show. Correct the booker. Right. You'll be the feature. I'm sorry, what? My Starbucks.

Who? A venti. Yeah. A venti. Well, the other thing in the UK is that the opening act is the better act than the middle act because somewhere in comedy they decided

we have to have three people and the first guy is going to suck more than the... The major thing in the UK that's different is that the host or the MC or the compere is often the best person on the stage. The same way David Letterman, whatever,

have to go back that far to find a funny late night fucking talk show host. And there's a great reason for that, which is they're the person, if you think about it, particularly on a Friday or Saturday night, who has to guarantee laughs because they're going to be coming on after every failure. Every, like in a hole.

Yeah. And here, when you see, I mean, I fucking emceed here and I should never have done that because I don't have the strength. People hate you. I know. I've had you on my shows just to set up the show and they fucking hate you.

He's never gotten actual email of hate. That's reserved for. Oh yes. Yes. No. Yeah. I have from Judy Seaball. That was during the marriage.

You know who, uh, who does that, that, that setup of having a more experienced host is, uh, uh, chili dog at laughs,

which I'm bringing this up because laughs just moved from kirkland washington across the water to seattle he's in the university district good it's still laughs it's the old giggles with terry taylor yeah oh that's right fucking go to laughs in seattle i'll come there eventually this is what i'm doing. I'm comparing. I'm hosting. Yeah. All the gigs. And we are setting up some road gigs, some more, because that worked out so well, that last thing,

where I'm going to do as much time, but I'm going to host. I'm going to middle. I'm going to MC, compare, and then I'll do some time at the end. Where Jug is going to start. He will be the first person on stage and that is why you absolutely need to be there when the show starts don't fucking walk in 45 minutes later and go wait how long has he been on well you're missing it can i read you the message of hatred oh yeah oh yeah you never read this oh no i so you know i post things on instagram i like instagram

and uh the um the last thing i or the second last thing i posted uh you keep talking for a minute i just find this if you don't mind yeah well brian's on his way to burning man brian the guy that does no drugs whatsoever uh it's a fucking business guy. Here we go. He's an English suit. Here we go. So I just posted some, it was a little thing of my flight taking off, a little film of my flight taking off from LA going through

the turnoff of the I-10 through Fort Huachuca. A little thing of Henry turning in a circle Ichabod asleep on the, and that was it. And then I get this message. Totally disgusted, guys. I've been to four shows in Colorado for Doug, including the Roof Cave-In at the Oriental Theatre in North Denver

for my birthday years ago. I grew up in Colorado Springs, though, and visited Jeff Valdez's comedy corner 78 times a year with a dozen realtors from my office. I think it was a really shitty thing to do for the podcast to practically promise that it was just Doug introducing acts and we are to expect nothing from Doug doing time. I was ready to buy 20 tickets till I heard that. Then I hear the aftermath of Roseanne fucking

Barr doing a set and the other unrecognizable acts just killing. Please understand the weight of your words on the podcast. I would have been over the top if I was there. That's someone bitching that we undersold how good. Well, yeah, I thought people were going to bitch that I didn't do a fucking hour in a row at the end because of that structured stand-up comedy mentality.

Well, there'll be two guys that we don't want to see, and then we'll get there late. How dare you put a show together that not only has complete value, but eclipses what even the minimum fan of the podcast would even expect of you. Fucking how dare you. So I said to him, please give me the exact phrasing we should have used.

And then there's two comments that matter. One, somebody said, you're lucky someone is even acknowledging the fact that you're a cunt. And that person didn't call her a cunt. And then somebody else did a parody of what he'd written. Somebody whose operating name is Jizzy Dizzy. And who lives in Los Angeles.

And he has his own website. You mean JD? No, Jizzy Dizzy. Got it. No, this guy's really funny. So this guy wrote, Totally disgusted that I skipped a Prince show last year. He came to town found out later

he played an amazing three-hour set and then months later he died i was informed none of these things would be happening just disgusted jd jd what do you want me to say? It's going to be the fucking... If I told you on the podcast, listen, I have material that is threadbare in its infancy at best.

Can't fill a sheet of paper. It's going to be the best night of your life. Or even if you said... Even if you said at the end of... Fucking Noah, you think I know fucking Roseanne Barr is going to be there? I know. And guess what? It was sold out anyway.

So your realtor friends wouldn't have... I brought fucking... Hey, fuck off for not supporting local comedy. I brought 20 of my realtor friends to Jeff Valdez's club that has been closed for 25 years. Wait. He's up. I sounded a bit like chilly there when I said wait.

Don't ever fucking eat on my podcast, you fucking cunt. He just ate the worms. Waiting for the worms. That's a euphemism. He works in or with realtors. I think he understands the idea of tricking people with fucking words. You fucking lying, scheming

cunt. How dare you call other people out on the use of language when your entire business is built on misrepresentation and taking things from people when you've missold them. Go fuck yourself. That's

my manager, Brian. Hey, if you want to book me, you go through Brian. Oh, and thanks for listening to the podcast. It's fucking amazing we're in business. Such a beautiful commune. It's amazing that that yet could really be seen as a

very complimentary letter I mean if you take the vitriol out of it at the end it is really like I listen to everything you say I will do whatever you say to do and yet I feel like I got fucked in the end the woods are long dark and deep

and I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep. Yeah, I mean, really. Anyone who gets that reference, I fucking love you on Twitter. Yeah, like, again, it's just insulting as well. Like, oh, so you think Doug's bringing out acts who are shit? Like, shit? But they said acts that ended up being super good.

Yeah. How dare you lead me down this path of... I thought you were coming to town with a genuinely shit show. We all had that discussion separately. I had one with Henning and Doug and I had the discussion of how do we let people know that doug is working on new material this was a thing we was vexing on how to explain it to so that people don't think you're doing like an hour straight every night i did the numbers you were doing at least 48 to 57 minutes like in like cumulative over the the the night and then sometimes we're around with the other

comics yeah it's like. Chris Fairbanks. We had Lucas Sealy. We had Roseanne Barr. I mean, we had other people that would jump on as well. And that all added to the show. The no show was under an hour and 58 minutes. I mean, give me a fucking break. We went long a lot.

Yeah. But we had a fucking blast. And I like that template. I like the freedom to go you know what? First of all comedy is not three acts with an opener doing 15 and a middle act doing 25.

And then a headliner. That cartoon thing of like the industrial like stamping it out. That is freeform. Yeah. But I realized tonight that I dictate the rules of my business. I used to do a bit about that. I think it was about having notes.

One time I had notes. Yeah. I go, people think it's unprofessional. I'm the only guy that does my profession. I get to dictate the rules. Yes. If I want to go up first and in the middle and then at the end, it's my fucking show. Yes. And we ended up

having fun i was very worried that people and again i i fucking monitor uh social media like a fucking you know the last german in the bunker and there was not there that is the only fucking complaint for and that it was like three weeks or more than that is the only fucking complaint it was like three weeks or more than that after the fucking tour was over nobody I agree they measured their words

they really pissed right yeah and they just posted a fucking picture of Ichabod and Henry and then like oh now is my time to pounce you know he's bringing the pets into it unbelievable picture of Ichabod and Henry. And then like, oh, now's my time to pounce. You know? He's bringing the pets into it. Unbelievable. You bring up a good point, Doug, in that you are really,

you can dictate what you're doing and it's hard to get out of that mentality. And Brendan Walsh, a friend of ours, a comic, he has the bone zone and I was talking to him. I've known him for years. I met him through you. Name dropper. Who? And he, I was talking to him i've known him for years i met him through you named her who and uh he uh i was talking about the podcast and i was like like questioning whether we were doing

certain things right and he goes shaley what what the fuck's the problem is is sound coming out of the other end and i go well well yeah he goes, so what the fuck? What's your fucking problem? You're doing it. You don't have to overthink it. You just do it. And the business that I've started here at Bisbee for the merchandise and stuff like that, I get to fucking make the rules. And it's the same with you.

You can. You don't get fucking crazy with it. But coming up with this idea, it was a long time. I don't want to suck. But it was a long a long time do i want to sell something that sucks so figuring out that format was over a year of like figuring out how and when to do it and when you finally decided to do it it seemed like it was kind of occasionally you have someone that bitches about the ticket price. And then you go, all right, here's your go-to. Hey,

comics. If you're listening, here's your go-to. This is what, and name 10 shitty comics. You can find that are charging fucking a hundred dollars a ticket or 80 bucks a ticket. I go, any questions? I've never had someone.

Yeah. And then the other thing that thing that i guess a slight thing that pisses me off but we never it's the opposite way we never ever get thanked for using brown paper tickets nobody ever says to us thanks for not having a ten dollar service fucking ticket master you know fuck you for your 99 cents plus three percent. There's occasionally there's times we have to use Ticketmaster and it's it's dirty. I bleed out of my ass in a shower crying like leaving Las Vegas. Elizabeth Chu after she was raped and she's bleeding from the ass in the shower. That's how I feel when I have to use Ticketmaster.

So we try to avoid that at all costs. Some that's a handful of times i don't even remember fucking i think uh boston i think is boston again you actually get a very good example because you can we have brown paper tickets in the theater and you can actually see the the service fee comparison hey you know what when we have to use ticket master can we put up a brown paper tickets logo? That's what we did in the UK, remember? You know these mics are on. Maybe you shouldn't be talking about this.

No, no, this is a great idea. No, we did that in the UK. Anytime you're forced to use that fucking piece of shit. Because the venue is assigned to. I'm sure there's no rule that can't say hey if you to use brown if we could have used brown paper tickets you'd have saved this much oh i know this much no whatever we definitely did that in the uk tour before the bad one everyone remembers the bad one doesn't ticket master they secure the venue and so they have

a venue that they're that they have a relationship with so you can't even be there unless you use them i mean that's a very is i mean their ticket master's model is one of those things which i know i hate to say it but i admire because it's eve it's evil and smart uh you know you buy out brian's huge on evil evil this is why the libertarians can't get elected because they're not no because they're openly evil

fuck them not all of them not Gary Johnson no the libertarians their issue is just sheer organization they're not. All right, let's get back to your stand-up comedy. Yes, that's right.

So I was lucky enough to be in the nice bar that's tended by Kerry Mitchell at the Comedy Store, and Brian Redban is there. Brian does, Brian Hennigan does a lot of things that you find out after the fact. He's a very secretive, filthy, uncut... Serendipitously working behind the scenes kind of... He can't be serendipitous

and not be working behind the scenes. You go to his apartment and you find a playbill where he did a Shakespeare play. I'm like, what the fuck? You did a Shakespeare play? I don't want what the fuck? You did a Shakespeare play? I don't want to talk about it. Oh, let me tidy up.

The gal wasn't in today. It's like he's hiding a porno mag. He does all this weird shit behind your back and you have to find out about it. Do you know that Hennigan just did a set at the fucking Pasadena, the house.

Oh, I heard about that one that first one the first one was apocalyptic and how long did it how long was it between the last time you had done stand up to then probably in my own right doing yeah probably nine or ten years wow and people tell you you never forget to write how to ride a bike i can assure you you can if you're on stage are you good i didn't i know you're like when after like i'm not in comedy for six months you're standing there and your butt your head says oh i know i should be doing and your mouth is doing none of it. Absolutely. Fucking three weeks? Yeah.

Two days sometimes on the road. Fuck, what was the shit I was working on? The audience had a look on their face like they were watching. It's like they'd been told they were about to watch a blooper reel on YouTube, and there was no bloopers. It was just somebody, you know, making coffee. So it wasn't like anger. It was just utter bemusement at what was happening.

And I was also sandwiched between two fairly decent comedians. I think Brian Moses was on before me, who's the kind of hotshot who runs the roast battle. And I was followed by Tony Hinchcliffe. So, you know, I probably look like a parody act at best. But then... And you knew it too. Two veteran LA comics.

Oh, yeah. I knew it. Yes. But the good thing is that Brian Redband's lovely girlfriend, Janice, who's not Scottish, but that's a Scottish name, was in the room. And she said, I really liked it. And so he brought me back two weeks later. And it was...

Which is when it's... That's when you have that... When I do two shows a night, if I ate shit on the first show, I'm coming back with a vengeance. So when you have that nothing motivates you more than sucking well I mean that's the key you have to keep doing it

did you go up between in between that at all? did you go up in between that? no because the only places to go up in LA are rooms where you're playing to comedians and there's no point I can just go downstairs and talk to Brett Erickson it's better you know and and there's no point I can just go downstairs and talk to Brett Erickson it's better and

yeah that was a definite redemption gig it was fantastic I loved it then I got to do the Brian Redban Brian Redban is a in the history of Doug Stanhope an unremarked figure he was like a I hesitate to say pre-Chaley

but he was like a webmaster I was here when he helped out with the forum i was doing doug's website and he uh offered when he first came to la he just left the midwest and uh he he helped us when the forum went down a couple times from people hacking it. Well, there was the Dimebag Darrell incident where the guy that was running it was a fan of Dimebag Darrell. It was one of my favorite updates ever. But the guy that was running my forum on my website

was at the show or something where Dimebag Darrell got killed and is a huge fan. And he dumped the forum for a minute. Because of Dimebag? Because I wrote this update, and it was, I don't know, a satire or whatever. It was the band trying to get paid after the show,

but you only did two songs. Yeah, yeah, but... Listen, guys, what am I supposed to do? they killed our lead singer or whatever he was guitarist yeah yeah but still you were hired to do you know two sets and you only did i can't you have to play four just so i just wrote this whole like imaginary argument of the band still trying to get paid after the show, and he took it all. It was shitting on fucking club owners being cheap. Yeah.

But he, reactionary. Who? I don't know. The guy running the board. I don't know what a forum is. Was it PFE? Was it Pure Fucking Evil? No.

Or Jesus Loves Doug Statham. Yeah, Pure Fucking Evil. Yeah, yeah. Pure Fucking Evil. Oh, the good old days. I don't know. It was some dude that was friends of Red Band. There were all this Columbus unit out there.

I've gotten nothing but fucked in Columbus. Columbus, Missouri? No, it's Columbia. Oh, sorry. Didn't they give you some citizens? Jesus Christ, what did you have to do? Hey, stop challenging me on that. The test really isn't over.

Hey, what are you looking forward to? In wrapping up, what are you looking forward to in in wrapping up what are you looking forward to in at burning man this year uh dressing like a normal dude and not doing drugs a tie and loafers i i liked it funnily enough i actually picked up a pair of loafers at the thrift store this afternoon some colhans no they're no they're not cool hands there was no but going back Okay, I can't talk about it. It's not out. But... Yeah, what can we talk about? Am I writing a second book or not? What I would tell you is that

clearly somebody in Bisbee with size nine and a half shoes has died recently because there was a whole array of things I could have bought. And I had to... Penny Lane? No, the real thrift store with the two evil twins.

What? You know, the Penny Lane and the Your Thrift Store. Your Thrift Store. Oh, Your Thrift Store. The junk store. Yeah. So the dog barking is great.

But the windows are open so it doesn't matter. I thought maybe that might help. So why don't we just call... Anyway, you're going to Burning Man. Yeah. We wish don't we just call anyway you're going to burning man yeah i wish you luck thank you we're going to vegas yeah i won't be there for the gig but i mean i had to book burning man years ago i just found out that uh the both of the guys that i do a podcast with matt becker and john norris are flying out to vegas oh no shit i thought

becky's not coming beck's coming too, but John Norris, and we do a podcast called Near the Wild Alaska. All right. Good, because I have something on my back for her to pick. She'll be there, but she's only showing up for the turkey dinner across the street. All right. There's going to be a lot of fucking weird podcasts

to come from this weekend. Eat first, Becky. James Inman, Brendan Walsh, the Beckers, Christine Levine. It goes on and on. Andy Andrist. Is he coming? Andy's coming. Fuck yeah.

I do regret not being there to needle Inman. It will be good. We'll do the needling. There's plenty of people to cover your spot. Alright, that's the podcast, and we're out. Part-time. Part-time.

Part-time. Part time. Part time. Part time. Drink your drinks and eat your eats. It's part time. Laugh your laughs and eat your eats. It's party time. Laugh your laughs and eat your heats. It's party time. Smile your smiles and do your blues.

It's party time. Dance your dance and shoe your shoes. It's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks. It's party time. Howl your howls and suck your socks. It's party time. Yeah. Oh, baby, grab your craps and fuck your fucks. It's party time.

Grab your craps and fuck your fucks. It's party time. Everybody. Grab your craps and fuck your fucks. It's party time. Everybody! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fuck, it's party time. One more! Crap your crap, Sam, fuck your fuck, it's party time. Here we go!

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do Party time, yeah Party time, party time Party time, party time We're all coasting.