The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #164: Razing Arizona Comedy Tour

Episode Date: September 14, 2016

Doug catches the Razing Arizona Comedy Tour in Naco, AZ and invites them over to the Fun House for after show drinks.Amy Blackwell, Charlie Speez, Anthony Desamito, and Leslie Barton. Doug's new special is out on Seeso.com  Sept 15, 2016. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded Aug 02, 2016 at the Fun House in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Amy Blackwell, Charlie Speez, Anthony Desamito, and Ggreg Chaille (@GregChaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Razing AZ Comedy Tour – RazingAZ.com   On Twitter - @RazingArizonaComedy   Amy Blackwell - @BlackwellComedy Charlie Speez - @CharlieSpeez Leslie Barton - @yorbeautfl Anthony Desamito - @AnthonyDesamito   Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing Song, "The Only One Drinking Tonight", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

before you get a whiskey and everybody what we're gonna rotate podcast so you have to be quiet and then we'll rotate people in and out well not so quiet that the podcast sucks but if you're not if there's no right here in the open. All right. Trace, can I get a drink? He needs a drink. Son of a bitch.

Get him a drink. What I was drinking earlier. Because that's making me slur now. Amy Blackwell. Yes. Charlie, unpronounceable last name. Spees. Spees.

Spees. Spees. Spees. Well, you... This is how Chaley... We try to be professional. He writes down notes and tries to hand them to me rather than just say it into the microphone.

Because it's his podcast. All right, this is what happened. We were just hanging around, having a good time, and then Kenny says, oh, by the way, there's a comedy show going on at the Gay 90s. I got the rest of them. I got Leslie Barton.

I don't want to say her name too loud. It's like Beetlejuice. I say it. She's going to race in here whiskey drunk and just talk over us. Solid move. And Anthony, you say the last. Decimito.

Decimito. Yes. All right. You wrote it wrong. Is it a D or an M? Don't worry. She said it. It's done. I was trying to get it on the PA.

And Ollie Musa, who's a friend of the Super Bowl party. Ollie's why I wanted to go. Yeah. who's a friend of the Super Bowl party. Ollie's why I wanted to go. Yeah, well. And Ollie, I texted him and I said, Derek wanted to give you shit for the football thing. I don't know. Derek was talking to me and saying, Ollie won the football thing and I wanted to give him some shit.

And I texted him and told him that and he laughed. But he's going to come out to Bisbee. The tour. For the listeners, we're just hanging here. We had done a podcast and at 5 to 8, Kenny says, oh, there's a comedy

show at the Gay 90s in Naco. Naco is the border town. Literally at the border. You can hit the border with a penny. I was outside. I could hear the club in Mexico. Yeah. No shit. And they have a

back room that comics would know, and I don't want to cast derision on the gay 90s, but for a comedy gig, it's a fucking nightmare it's this giant ancient back hall banquet gym no no no no no no listen leslie you are the problem since we decided to do this podcast you're gonna have to wait your turn because we only have five mics you will have a turn

I get it we'll get you on you can't yell in the background you can't have too much cross talk because this is a podcast I love you and you made me laugh a lot but we'll get to you right now it's the leaders of the band

the room that is offered is awesome on the phone. But when you get there when you get there with your Behringer little mixer

which is fine. That's all you fucking need. And your powered speakers. It's Lou Gehrig at his speech at Yankee Stadium. And there was a number of people in the bar, but in the comedy room, when we walked in at 8.30, thinking we were late, there was probably 12 people

seated waiting for comedy. Hadn't started yet. Then there's another 15 at the bar we're hoping are coming to the show. We're part of that 15? No, no. We brought seven last minute. Rose-colored glasses.

But it's all brightly lit. They have a ceiling fan with the four bulbs. Most people should be familiar with which switch is the fan, which switch is the bulbs. 18 feet up. 18 feet in the air. And I had to pull you out of the bar because Chaley's my tour manager.

He knows how to... We walk into a show that fucked up. That's a lot of stacked up Mexicans. And more than they had available. Yeah. Well, we could have got some. Well, cheap. We were pretty cheap as shit right there where we were.

Chaley pulled the lighting and the sound together. Well, this is why I always say, I'm dropping you to the hotel. I know we've been driving for six hours. Thank you, Hannigan. And then I said, I'm going to the gig. I'll drop you to the hotel. And Doug goes, what the fuck?

Why do you need to go? Is there really a reason? This is the reason you go there. Because I see the lights, and the only way I can do it is I just look at the light switches. I don't care what they do. Someone's going to see me turning lights on

and off and immediately when I hit a switch somewhere, a guy comes up, do you need the lights turned down? I'm like, of course I do. Yes, can you help me? Let's get to the Raising Arizona tour. Is that what it's called? Anthony.

Now your job is if she gets chatty, bring her outside and say, I want to talk to you outside. I'm thinking Kate. I know. But yeah. All right. The Raising Arizona Tour. Boy, were you mistaken.

That was all an act? Hang on. Hey, hi. Harvey Fierstein. Bring her back. She's taking care of shit. Amy, this is your production? No, no, this is Charlie's.

This is Charlie's. Jace Clay, who's not with us tonight, he can't do this first weekend. He didn't die. Yeah. Why go out on the first night? Right. But you said this is the beginning of a 20-town tour in Arizona. Well, all in Arizona.

We have one in St. George, Utah. We have one in Deming, New Mexico. But basically Arizona, 20 towns. When you start in Naco, Naco probably has a population of 800. I'm highballing it. We call NACO part of Bisbee, even though it's not part of Bisbee.

I was immediately thinking they should lower their expectations after this show. It's not all going to be this fucking fancy. I disagree. So tonight was the beginning of the tour. And it's your phoenix comics all of you yeah uh and you ran a show close by and i did in sierra vista hold on hold on am i not good hold on hold on

try that all right no There. Now try it. How about now? There we go. All right. She's on. Yeah, no, I used to run a show in Sierra Vista. It started out at the luxury's what is now the Quality Inn and moved over to the Windermere Hotel,

and I ran that for like three years. They were at a show where J.T. Haber sat at the Windermere. Oh, nice. Chaley almost got thrown out. Chad Shank had to put a fucking hammer down. Nice. Fortunately, I brought my own security. Good. It's always wise

to have your own security. Have you been to the gay 90s before? I had not. No, I'd never been there. I'd been to NACA once because my mom needed dental work. So that's about it. That's the other NACA. But I lived in service at the time. I ran a show talk. That's the other beef pulled across the board, too. But I lived in Sierra Vista at the time.

I ran a show there. I had some really cool people come down and do the show. And then I stopped doing it. And then I get an email from Doug Stanhope wanting to come and do some time. And I was like, what? I was like, sorry. Yeah, it was years ago. You sent me an email.

You were like, hey, here, you're running a show. It was like, oh, God, it was years ago. It was like 12, 13 years ago. In Sierra Vista. In Sierra Vista, yeah. I god it was years ago it was like 12 13 years ago in sierra vista yeah i moved here 11 years ago maybe it was a little more recent but yeah all right because you were in bisbee and you were like oh i'm in the area well i heard there was a local comedian here and when i moved here i'm like really there's another comedian here i remember barely yeah uh but i don't i don't remember emailing you about that. Yeah, it was like, I don't know if it was an email or it was like, it might have been a MySpace message.

That's how long ago it was. That sounds more logical. Yeah, no, it was just a quick message. Did you have a big, heavy MySpace presence, Doug? I jumped on late like everyone else. Comedians hated Dane Cook for Myspace so much that they blamed Myspace

and not Dane Cook. It was a very weird time. And I'm like, no, Myspace works. If you hate Dane Cook, you hate him, but don't hate the... I'm never using a phone because he called me once. It was kind of that... Hate the player, don't hate the I'm never using a phone because he called me once. It was kind of that

hate the player, don't hate the game kind of thing. Wow, that's my black tour manager. Elderly black tour manager. He's wise. So for the tours like this that you do, I assume you've done a bunch of shit like this in Arizona.

I've never done it. Charlie hasn't. You mentioned that on stage. But you've done shit like this. When you walked into the Gay 90s tonight, on a scale of 1 to 10, how much did your heart drop into your gut? Honestly, when I walked in, because I have run shows,

but this was not mine to navigate. I walked in and I I have run shows, but this was not mine to navigate. I walked in and I was like, oh, probably a four. I was like, there's at least, we have sound equipment. Well, you brought your own. We did. I thought you were counting the people, though. No, well, I was like, oh, well, there's four fucking people here. This is great.

It's a good start. I was like, well, we have comics, and we brought our own sound equipment, so we're at a four. There's actually walls, so that's good. We're not outside. But there's a lot of walls. But yeah, the lights.

It's going to echo. Yeah. Lighting is. It's high ceilings. It's a square room. It's a banquet hall. They do quinceaneras there. If you're getting married low

dollar in guatemala that would be people from mexico cross to have parties there because it's cheaper yeah if you have an 18 budget for your wedding that's where you hold it but i have to say from a production standpoint when you walk into a room, if you are just the host, if there's anything you can do to make it better, you should actually strive for that. I personally believe that. I told her she should talk to the management.

You told her what to do? I'm not good at talking with people with money. You told me if there were issues with money. And I asked you specifically. You told me if there were issues with money to talk to the management. I said, all right. Yeah, because I can't do that because I'll just shit all over your head. Not literally.

All I did was flip a switch on and off and someone came running over. Do you want me to change the lights? I mean, that's all it takes sometimes. I sat up front, which I think is the biggest dick move in comedy. I did that.

You don't ever want to look down in the front row and see another comic. But I thought if I sit up front, people will. Get encouraged, yeah. Yeah. Because they know I'm a comic. But I sat off to the side. You didn't have to look straight down at me. I did. I was like, I'm making eye contact right now. I'm looking to the side. You didn't have to look straight down at me. I did.

I was like, I'm making eye contact right now. I'm looking at his face. You asked people to move up to the front, and then I asked them again from the back. You encouraged them. There was an angry row in the back. It just looked like they hated the show before it started, and I saw you diplomating your,

come on, let's all move up front. And they moved one table. They did. They moved one fucking table forward. Well, that sometimes... Made it better? It was better than in the back. It was good.

Why is it the placement of people is so important? I'm sorry. Laughter travels. We don't know. It's the energy, though. It creates an energy. Wait, does it matter? Charlie, does it matter to you?

If you want four empty rows and then... I'm a sociopath. Like, I don't give a fuck. Does a laugh track help you at home on the couch? No, it does. It matters to me. But if someone next to you laughing makes you laugh. The laughter is contagious.

And if you're all grouped together in a tight little space, you're going to be more comfortable laughing because you're right next to someone laughing in the opposite of that group where I had to convince them to move up one table after that a group came in going we had a reserved table where are we they were adamant

so I was like well let me see I made them feel like they had to wait for a second. I'm like, hold on. Let's explain this room. This is a banquet hall that if it was a wedding, that would hold probably at least 500 people, I would say. Yeah.

If they have the big round tables, I would say 300. I'd say 300. If they have big big round tables, I would say 300. I'd say 300. If they have big round tables, I'd say 10 or 12. It was 50 by 30, clearly. 50 by 30, that's a big room. If you lowered a hoop down in one end, you could have a good game of half court. Yes.

Easily. The owner kept saying, like, we really did expect 100. He said it to me like three times. Yeah, yeah. We were really expecting 100. Wait, in the 1890s when they had the mine open? Did you factor in the conversion rate

from Mexico to the US? That might not be... You have to understand the reason it's called the gay 90s in the middle of nowhere where there's no gay people except for the ones you brought. The one

you brought. It's the 1890s. So yeah, gay 90s. When we moved here, we go, is it a gay bar in Naco on the fucking border? How do they get away with it? No, it's 1890s. Right. It's a historical thing.

So, Charlie, the owner of the Gay 90s in Naco, America, was disappointed in the Mexican walk-up he didn't get? Maybe. I don't know. I mean, what was he expecting? He had one Mexican comic that's not openly he's overtly in your face gay.

He's gay while you're sleeping. There's some gay in here. It woke me up. Oh my god. Did you fart? He's like jizz on your face while you're sleeping gay. That was a great joke.

He had so many good jokes. He went up at the end when people are getting drunk and filling in at... When you walk in the door, there's a little bar. That's the gay 90s. And when they open up the back banquet hall, like, ta-da! Look, we have a baseball field in the back of the room we do indoor soccer

so people are collecting biker rallies fill that place i've been there really yeah we did a pickup game when we got there it was great it was great so as it got louder and louder as people come in not knowing there's a comedy show in the back it got louder and louder and that's when Anthony closed up at the end which it seemed like he did an hour and fifteen himself. Oh, I'll take my gin. Chaley's always

on the clock. He had that one joke, do you come here often? And then he pointed to his mouth. He just kept hitting fucking really good jokes and was like, he should be closing. He should be closing. And then, but he just, yeah, he fulfilled his time. I'll guarantee you that.

Yeah, there's no way he's getting as 45. I'm not insulting anyone. I thought it was a great show. No, it was. Very good show. It was just that it was getting louder and louder in the back. And he's a joke guy. He wasn't.

But honestly, from the front to the back row that people were paying attention, they could hear it. Yeah. It's just you could hear the fuckheads. Yeah, that noise kept popping back. As a host, I thought you took too long to address the fact that the people that really wanted to play pool now had to talk in the room that echoed from the back

like it does the front. It just turns into one of those, you can't do anything about it, but you need to address it. Anthony did a 42-16. Nice. Fucking very close. How much did I do? You? Yeah. Nice. Fucking very close, sir. Do you really cut?

How much did I do? You? Yeah. Boom. I don't even know. All right. I'm guessing it's around 25. This is the shit we'll... That's not important.

This is not... It's too important. Chaley, Chaley. You did 2528. Okay, yeah. No, I was guessing 25. All right. Chaley, we have to...

I'm so sorry. He has to be special. This is the shit we'll talk about after this podcast is over. Behind the scenes. Yes, no question. Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm just remembering that the listener wasn't at the show, so I didn't give a fuck how much

time anyone did. Coming up next on Behind the Comedy at the Funhouse. Inside the Comedy Studio. Amy. Yes. Let's talk shit gigs, because if you worked Sierra Vista, it's a military town for the listener that's the closest box store town to us, 25 miles away or so. I've lived basically in Sierra Vista since 2002. I didn't know there was comedy there.

You want to talk shit gigs? I started in Kingman. I didn't know there was comedy there. You want to talk shit gigs? I started in Kingman. Kingman is the only stop on your way from Phoenix to Vegas. Yeah. I started in Kingman, Arizona of all fucking places by a guy who knows Doug, Brian Biggs.

He was doing a little bar in Kingman called the Sundowner at the time. And I ended up stumbling into comedy because I was hitting on him. The listeners will do the math on this. I did the only show I ever did in Kingman when I lived in Vegas. When you started 25 years ago?

I believe Tyson fought that night, and the night before, I found out the day after that Kinison was dead. So there was a Tyson fight and Kinison dying in the same two day period. So I'll, I'll, I'll hear from you on Twitter, you cunts, if I'm right or wrong. But I remember driving drunk out of that game. Was Kingman like a, like a triple or was it a, I don right or wrong. But I remember driving drunk out of that game. Was Kingman like a Tribble? I don't even remember.

I don't think Kingman's ever been a Tribble. Tribble used to try to fuck with Arizona and failed. It very well could have been. So Kingman. Yeah, it was back in 2000 when I stumbled into comedy. I only interrupt you because she never says anything.

Tracy. I just think Kingman is one of those places that is only known for where you broke down. Yeah. When you're driving from California to... Or where you get your meth made. Amy, you said, like, I'm sure you just took a pee there. Yeah, yeah, that's one of my jokes.

I'm like, it's where you stop to pee. It's where you stop to pee on your way to anywhere better. Not the last trip to Vegas we did, but the one I did the week before that. We were driving home, and there was a humongous rainstorm. We had to stop in Kingman and fucking stay the night. Yeah, I'm sorry. It's just a place that you might have to stay.

That's like the beginning of a horror movie. It kind of is. That's Rocky Horror Picture Show. That being said, if you look on weed maps, there's a place called Hana Kingman. If you have a medicinal weed thing, they have a very nice weed selection. He has an app that tells him everywhere.

My cousin owns a nice head shop in Kingman. How did you start, Amy? I honestly started because I was hitting on what I thought was a DJ at first because I thought he was kind of cute and he was DJing in between sets of a band that I liked. In Kingman? In Kingman.

Was the bass player already hooked up? No. Shut up. And I introduced myself to him and I realized because the lead singer was like oh give it up for the DJ Brian he's a comedian but don't hold it against

him and I was like oh he must be the guy that's running because I'd seen the sign saying that they were doing comedy on Thursdays and I love stand up and I was like oh I'm going to have to come and check that out and so I went up to him and I was like you know hey oh I see that you're comic and you're doing shows and he was like yeah and I was like oh i love comedy and he was like oh cool and i was like i've always wanted to be a stand-up comic and that it wasn't true until i said it and then i was like oh shit

i kind of think that that might be real and uh and he was like really and i was like yeah and he goes do you have any material and i was like yeah total fucking lie. I had no material. And he's like, we'll come back next week with three minutes. And I was like, okay. Like, don't need an egg timer? Three minutes sounds like nothing. Nothing. Oh, but three minutes is a bitch. Until you get up there.

And then, so I was like, okay, well, all right. And so I was like, oh, shit, what was I saying the other day? I was making my friends laugh. And so I wrote a three-minute set. I came back the next week, and he had me audition. So it was him, it was Brian Biggs, Mark Weitz, before he was the Alien Warrior comic, and some guy named Kimo who was in a wheelchair.

Weird. And they're sitting in a booth, and he's like, okay, do your jokes. And I kind of had heard that when you auditioned for stuff like that, they didn't laugh. So I was expecting them not to laugh. They're also comics, so they're not going to laugh. And they didn't.

And so I get about a minute and a half into the jokes I read. Oh, you should play the UK. Well, I do. I do about a minute and a half, and Brian stops me, and he's like, stop. And I was like, oh, shit. And he goes, whatever you have left, just do it do it tonight he was like that was really funny nice and so I went up I went up that night and um I did all right you know do you remember one of the jokes the um actually the very first joke I ever wrote was I was screwing around in Laughlin with my friends and I was like I was

like I think God may be an alcoholic and I was talking about like how there's so many references to wine and stuff in the Bible. And I was like, I think God may have been. And I just did this act out of God talking to Moses about writing the Ten Commandments. And Brian actually tried to buy that joke off me when I quit comedy for like five years. He was like, I want to buy that joke. And I was like, no, I don't want to. I'm like, not going to do that. I still to this day, I've known her only like six years yeah but i still as they i've seen you do that joke once

yeah and that was the best thing i've seen you do i did it last week actually i pulled back out i was drunk at tosos and i was like i'm gonna do the alcoholic god joke so i did it yeah i did it uh but yeah that was the the first joke and then i did i opened with that and it did really well and then i did some shit about like Rice Krispies cereal and it being like a punishment cereal. And then that bombed, but yeah. Do you remember any of your first jokes that you didn't know or the most hackneyed premises?

Oh, one of my first openers. Because I did that night, and he was like, come back next week with five minutes. And so I wrote a whole new five minutes. I didn't know you could build on the three minutes you already had. And so I came back the next week and one of the jokes I was like I used to be a member of the Spice Girls.

I was Chubby Spice. And then Brian added more like the whole Spice Wreck. And what a wreck it is. It was chubby spice. And then Brian added, it's more like the whole spice rack. And what a rack it is. It was fucking stupid. But yeah, I wrote another five minutes for the next week.

And he's like, all right, next week, come back with seven. I wrote another seven minutes. This is workhorse. And came back. This guy was like, and he came back six weeks. I had 30 minutes of material

like by the by the fifth week he was like you've got enough material to host and so my fifth week of comedy I got paid

and I was like there was no way anybody else was like that was bullshit like I should not have been hosting in five weeks into fucking comedy

if I if my math is right five times three is 15 you should be like opening the show. You should be like the opener or the fucking... Or a feature and just fucking scat. And if that guy's offering to buy bits, imagine all...

He had a whole act. He just bought an act off of everybody within three weeks. Listen, Toots, you stay in Sierra Vista. I'm going to Kingman. Well, then we ended up like partnering on theista. I'm going to Kingman. Right. Well, and then we ended up partnering on the show because I lived in – No kidding. No kidding. Well, yeah.

But we ended up partnering on the show because I lived in Kingman and he lived in Vegas. And so he would book it and I would run the show and host it. And so I was constantly writing new stuff and trying new stuff out. What year is this? This was 2000 is when I started. And then I moved up to Vegas and kind of joined that scene. But I did that in 2001. And then some assholes flew some planes into some buildings

and fucked shit up in Vegas because nobody was traveling anymore. The Dorfman brothers out of Nashville? Exactly. Those assholes. Whatever. They don't know how to party. But, yeah, so I ended up moving back to Kingman and then I ended up in Sierra Vista and

somebody told somebody that I did. No, I just it's another weird story, but my tweaker ex was convinced by his crazy wife to kidnap our son. Now we're getting where we need

to be. Here we go. I was digging in my bag for kidnap our son. Now we're getting to where we need to be. Here we go. I was digging in my bag for weed and then it just came back around. All right. Smell it. Greg's listening. Here he goes. Nobody here

goes. Even the listeners don't give a fuck about where you started. Let's get to the dark. All the preceding stories will be cropped out of this podcast. Here's where it starts. Welcome, listeners. My ex had married a girl

who was 16 years old. My ex and I, we had a son, and we were all living in Kingman. He was on meth. She convinced him... Slow down. Let's slow down. This is a good show. There's a lighter.

Your ex. My ex. Previous to you had married a 16-year-old. He married a 16-year-old after we had already had a child. Oh, after. So they had a child together. And he was a grown man. He was a grown man, yes.

How long had you been together? We were not together long. We met when I was 18. He was a grown man, yes. How long had you been together? We were not together long. We met when I was 18. He was 23. I got knocked up, and then he left me when I was like four months pregnant to California. At some point, he made his way back to Kingman with his preteen bride and their infant son. And at some point, she decided... She's not technically a preteen.

No, but she was an asshole, so I don't give a shit. Chad Shank used to say that about his daughter when she was 16. But it wasn't because it was a rival and a love affair. 16-year-old. When they get hit 16, they turn into assholes. To be fair, I said that about her when she was three. In fairness. Same thing.

Yeah, so she had convinced him that they needed my son to be a complete family. So he came by one night and tried to take my kid. And I was like, so that night I packed up all my shit

and I was like, I'm either throwing a dart at a map or I'm going to Sierra Vista where my sister had moved. And I came to Sierra Vista. I packed up all my shit and I was like, I'm either throwing a dart at a map or I'm going to Sierra Vista where my sister had moved. And I came to Sierra Vista. I packed up. I drove my car.

So the sister has a military. No. Why was she in Sierra Vista? Because, because her husband got offered a job to be a principal at a Christian school in Sierra Vista. It's not that exciting a story. But you left the kid behind?

No. I packed up both my... Because I had two kids at the time. And, well, I still only have two kids. You packed a roller bag and a child? I packed... Basically. I packed up my Ford Escort.

My Ford Escort with no AC. And I drove from Kingman to Chandler where I had a blowout. Didn't we all. Yeah, some dudes in a tow truck pulled up and fixed my tire and got me back on the road. Made it down to Sierra Vista where I lived in a domestic abuse shelter

because they had room for, I think, eight weeks until I had a job and a place to live. Did you have to lie to stay in the domestic? No, no. Did you have to put the fake bruise of a cell phone on your eye to get in there? That's it. That's it. That's it.

That's all he's going to say. Very common. I've heard it happens. I've heard it happens. Or you just hold a T-bone up to your face. I love that reference. No, because I'm not a pussy. I punch myself in the face myself.

It's a hack joke. Don't listen to it. Got it, got it, got it. Everyone's telling that joke on the circuit. All right, so you move into a domestic abuse shelter. Right, because they had room. It basically goes domestic abuse and then homeless. So I was homeless with my two kids,

and so we stayed there until I was on my feet and I had a job. You get a suite? No. If you're like domestic abuse with kids as opposed to homeless? No, if you're just homeless, you get a bunk bed. Diamond release. You get a bunk bed.

Are you telling me the domestic abuse suites in Sierra Vista are better than the plaza suites poolside? Is that what you're saying? Stop going off topic. These are callbacks to other podcasts. We're drunk.

She's got a great story. We're intrigued. She's not flappable. She will go through this. I ended up in Sierra Vista. I ended up getting a job at Chili's and met some cool people. That's where I know you in Sierra Vista. I ended up getting a job at Chili's and met some cool people. That's where I know you from. Chili's.

Chili's back in 2002. Chili's in 2002. I ended up getting in touch. Oh, I quit my job at Chili's and I started working. It was this Italian place that lasted about six months. But they found out I did comedy. And I was kind of done of done with comedy I was like I'm not in Kingman anymore you know the mecca of my stand-up career and so uh I wasn't I wasn't even really interested in doing it anymore and they asked me they were like oh well you know we heard you do comedy can you

put a show together and so I was like yeah and so I wrote up a proposal that was way more money than I thought they were going to agree to. And they were like, okay. And so I ended up... At Chili's? Not at Chili's. This was a different place. This is where the quality in is now. All right.

In Sierra Vista. And I booked Kyle Cease and Courtney Cronin. Keep going. I'll clear this room. I'm sorry. I didn't know better. How did you know Kyle Seas?

Because he did a show in Kingman. He did a show in Kingman. Brian had booked in Kingman. And so they came out. We did the show, and it ended up being really successful. And they were like, let's do it again. So I renegotiated for actually more money and i ended i started booking it um so la comics were sending me videotapes actual videotapes and i would watch them and if i liked them i'd

book them and uh you know it's mostly off recommendations and stuff and um and it ran i ran there for like almost a year and then i moved it over to the windermere which was called the the lounge was the what was it called? The Oyster the fucking like Oyster Club lounge and we did the show there for like another two years and I had a bunch of people that came through that were really cool cats

You were hosting and making money as a booker? Yeah Now at this point you still have two kids at this point? I have two kids, yeah. And I'm a single mom. And so your day job? I worked at, at that point, I was, yeah,

I was working at the restaurant for a little while. Then I was actually doing well enough running the show to kind of support myself for the most part. And then I started working at Applebee's the enemy because you know because you know once you left chili's you got to go to applebee's in zero vistas the rule uh i went over to applebee's and then and then i had a complete mental breakdown and uh quit comedy and then two weeks later. Hang on, hang on. Yeah.

Let's get to the mental breakdown. The mental breakdown. What was the mental breakdown? We have a lot of those around here. I had, well, I didn't realize that I was clinically depressed, so I was just going to the bar a lot. I was spending a lot of time at the bar. Oh, that's what it was.

I was working at Jimbo's. I forgot about that. I was working at Jimbo's in Sierra Vista. Jimbo's. Jimbo's. What's Jimbo's? Jimbo's Beach Shack. Jimbo's was the hookup place for military.

Jimbo's was the meat market. Sierra Vista. It was the place. I was a mechanic in Sierra Vista whenever Jimbo's was at its height. So I know Jimbo's. So I was doing promotions for Jimbo's for a while.

That's what I was doing. You forgot that part? I did. I don't know. I'm fucking switching shit up. But at some point I worked at Jimbo's. But no, I was drinking a lot and I was just super depressed. My best friend had moved down here with me.

She was basically taking care of my kids. I was either sleeping or at the bar. And then one day – At Jimbo's. Yeah. But were you still booking comedy? No, I had stopped. So you had stopped.

I had stopped because I got burnt out because I wasn't doing anything for myself. I was just booking people and doing the show. So you were doing Jimbo's and then sleeping. And sleeping. And one night I just – I i drank too much got super depressed and asked my friend like i was already upset because a guy that i had slept with basically called me a whore and so that like triggered and then i asked a friend of mine to walk me to my car and he was like oh i'll just watch i'll watch and make sure you make it to your car. And then I walked halfway to my car. I looked back and the motherfucker was gone.

And I felt so like just like uncared for. I was like, I don't even matter. Unrapeable? Yeah. I was like, I can't even. I was like, Jesus. Like in his mind, he's like, she made it halfway. She's fine.

Nobody's going to rape her that fast. She's going to be all right. And so I go home and I decide at that point,'m like all right well i have a bottle of xanax i have a bottle of malibu so i decided to drink both those and i wrote a note that just said i think it was highly eligible i just wrote a note that said my kids deserve better and like decided i was gonna go to sleep and not wake up and then at some point i guess i called my best friend who worked at jimbo's at the time heather and she showed up right as i passed out face first in my living room holding the cocktail a malibu and red bull just face first

probably the red bull that saved my life. Red Bulls saved my life tonight. Seriously. Sugar Bear. But I went straight down. Boom. Face first. Didn't spill my drink. Of course not.

Thank you. I don't want to get off topic, but was Heather going out with Danny? Because I think we hung out in the same trailer park. I don't think so. At the time, she was with someone else. But she shows up. She calls the paramedics. And then apparently I ran from the paramedics all through my house.

I was just like, no, you're not going to save me. You can't catch me in my trailer. I'm just going to go hide in my room. And they pulled me out of the house. They took me to the hospital. I don't remember anything from the time I passed out to 36 hours later, which was Mother's Day

when I woke up to my kids giving me their homemade presents. You want to feel like an asshole. So you didn't get locked up? No, not then. Did they not see the note or something? No. This is what was told to me.

I was taken to the emergency room where they convinced me in my incoherent state to drink the charcoal drink. I barely, There's no pills though, right? No,

I had taken a bottle of Xanax. Oh, the Xanax. Yeah. I'm sorry. I had taken the bottle of Xanax. What are we talking about? Okay,

I'm sorry. A couple of us are on the same page okay uh they they convinced me this is this will be funny in a minute uh they convinced me to drink the charcoal drink and then the the psychologist comes in and he's like are you gonna do this again and apparently i was like no and he was like good enough for me sign this piece of paper and i was like okay this is all told to me later because i woke up on mother's day to my kids being like oh mommy we love you here's homemade presents and i'm like oh jesus what the fuck happened and then my roommate comes in and she's like i'm moving out

this is too much for me and i fucking lost my shit so they they take me to my mom's house uh to keep me safe yeah to keep me safe uh so that I can't get into trouble at my own house. Well, you got to go from the chill-out tent to somewhere. Right. Well, here's what happens. I go into my mom's... You can't be a danger to yourself or Applebee's. Right.

I then go into my mom's bathroom and take all the pills I can find in her bathroom. You know, because that's the smart thing to do. Stool softeners. God damn,ool softeners. God damn, stool softeners. What's Geritol anyway?

Here's the problem. If you don't take a bottle of Xanax, you then remember all the shit that happens. So I'm coherent enough that they probably could have given me the charcoal drink and I would have drank it again. But instead,

they pumped my stomach, which is, it's fun. I don't know, have you ever had that? Not all of it, based on, for the viewer at home. They left some behind.

Yeah, they left a lot of stomach. They intubate you, right? It goes all the way down your throat. They shove a garden hose down your fucking throat. And then you vomit so violently that you piss everywhere, which is super fun. And then they give you a pair of scrubs that are two sizes too small. I just do that to piss off the orderlies. This literally happened in that driveway with me and Tom Rhodes,

but it was mushrooms, and it was piss and vomit. Oh, it's god-awful horrible. Did you get a nice tight pair of scrubs to wear home? I did. No, Bingo changed me like a baby in the driveway. He's still wearing the shorts he wore then. So

the psychologist comes back and he's like, Amy, I thought you said you weren't going to do this again. And I was like, when the fuck did I say that? He was like, the other night when you signed this document, I looked at the signature and I was like, who the fuck signed that? It doesn't even look like

my signature I was like did you ID me I was like you're ridiculous and he was like well you have two choices I can you know go ahead and release you or I can send you to the puff house which is the the listeners are familiar bingo spent her time in Benson

yeah in Benson make sure you get Charlie's mic set up. He hasn't said a fucking word in his entire time. Bingo's high-fiving. Well, no, I did. I was like, this is what we're talking about. Charlie, Charlie, we're podcast going. So I get sent to the Puff House,

and it's middle of the night at this point. They do my intake, and it's it's i don't know it's probably like midnight one o'clock in the morning and they were like are you hungry and i was like yeah and so they bring me like a sack lunch i was like oh it's like girl scout camp this is great they give me it's like a turkey sandwich and an apple i eat that they get me all signed in and i go to my room and just pass the fuck out it was the best sleep i think i've ever had like i slept for probably a good 10 hours i wake up the next morning and think i've ever had like i slept for probably a good 10 hours i wake up the next morning and immediately i'm like oh this was a mistake i should not be here

it's also my son's birthday so again great mothering great mothering uh and i i'm like oh my it's my son's birthday i'm like i am the biggest asshole on the planet and i'm like i i just i want to go home and they were like well technically we can hold you for 72 hours because you signed yourself in and I was like was it Sam's birthday it was Sam's birthday my oldest son and my son that's in prison so there's more to it there's another story that I can talk about

let's just wrap up this one how did you get into comedy I want to get Anthony in on this yeah Charlie I don't think Charlie has dark stories that Did you get into comedy? Yeah. Wait, what happened? No, I want to get Anthony in on this. Yeah. Charlie, I don't think Charlie has dark stories that compare. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What?

I think you're wrong. Well, I know Anthony does because he waited to the end of the set and then threw in a couple of like dark fucking bits. That's some good shit. Joke, joke, joke. Dark jokes. You know the closer is going to be something that is going to set itself apart. I'm just saying, we have to keep this podcast length.

What are we at? Like 25? Is that it? We're now at seven hours and 42 minutes. But no, so I go in. They were like, you have to wait for the psychiatrist to come in welcome back to part 7 go ahead

I'm listening we go to breakfast because he's not due in until like 9 breakfast is like 7.30 so we go in the kid for his birthday yeah I'm not there

I'm not yeah I want to go home to go see my son for his birthday to you know not be an asshole and so we go in for breakfast and this girl is sitting next to me and she's scabbed up. She's a mess.

And she's like, oh, what are you here for? And I was like, oh, the huevos rancheros. Clearly it's Wednesday. Like, I'm here because I'm fucking suicidal. Why are you here? And she's like, oh, you know, whatever. And she goes, what'd they give you when you got here? And I was like, what do you mean? And she goes whatever and she goes what they give you when you got here and i was like what do you mean and she goes well what they give you at intake and i was like

a turkey sandwich and she goes well they gave me lithium lorazepam i'm like they gave you the stuff that powers batteries and i got a fucking turkey sandwich how is that fair and uh but yeah i go see the psychiatrist after breakfast. We talk for about 10 minutes. He's like, oh, you seem good. And then writes me a prescription for sleeping pills and fucking Xanax. More Xanax. I was like, oh, he wants me to die.

This is nice. Yeah, so bang up mental health care in Southern Arizona. Oh, don't worry. I have a, what is it? I guess in Southern Arizona. Oh, don't worry. I have a, what is it, like a 17-minute chunk. Oh, thank you. On my new special coming out on CISO about Arizona mental health care. Oh, it's horrible. Coming out September 15th on CISO, which is a streaming thing that if Chaley was here

and he just walked out to piss. He just ran off CISO. Go to Chaley's Twitter. He's got a link. Yeah, there's a link. It's a new streaming site. That's where the new, no place like,

it's on the show page. It'll be on this page. So you get out right away. So I did. A woman who looked a lot like Dolly Parton drove me home and I made it in time to the birthday party that my friend Heather,

who saved my life, impromptu threw for me so my son would have a birthday party. Takes a village. Yeah. And yeah, it was a lesson learned. It was a lesson learned. I hope you're a better mother. You carry it all into comedy.

Well, my son's in prison, so I don't know. I don't know. The 20-year-old? My other son's fine, so I guess 50% of the time. That's you with the 20-year-old. No, I have a 20-year-old as well. I don't know

any of you guys until tonight. I confused your acts. No, we both have 20-year-olds. Charlie has the 20-year-old and the 5-year-old. I have a 20-year-old and a 16-year-old. Don't confuse people by saying Charlie's name. He hasn't said anything this whole time. I just don't know what to say.

I'm just enjoying being here. That's a good response. That's why we're pulling Anthony into your chair. Who fell down? Ichabod just knocked a chair down. I've never seen that. Ichabod's drunk. Ichabod, I don't think he likes Anthony.

I was going to blame Anthony, but I don't think it was him. Nope. All right, Charlie, you were all fucking great. We laughed the entire time through. I could never leave except when you were doing T-shirts. Sit down, Charlie. Which I was going to do at the end for you. you for the for the help in that that was nice thank you for doing it before Anthony at the end so I could piss finally because you don't want to get up in the front row and leave

right all right let's take a quick break and make drinks and have a cigarette, and we'll be right back. That's right. Digging Up Mother is on audible.com. Audible.com for all your audio book needs. If you spend any time whatsoever in traffic, get audio books. They will change the world for you. And if you've listened to Digging Up Mother with myself and Chad Shank doing the reading, and you want to give me shit about how much I suck worse than Chad Shank, do that, but make sure you include at audible.com in the tweet.

So Audible knows that you want more Chad Shank reading books because I think he's launching a new career so when you give me shit and congratulate Chad Shank in a tweet make sure you add at audible.com I would appreciate that I've been reading all of the reviews on Audible

a couple people have been very nice to me so so thanks. Maybe I'll read more books. So, yeah, that's our commercial. Audible.com. And they have other shit, too. They probably have other books that they have out. Or is it just my book?

It's just yours. Just mine. Flagship book. they have out, or is it just my book? It's just yours. Just mine. Flagship book. Audible.com for all your audiobook needs. Hey, we're back. Anthony, take Charlie's chair, because I want to hear your dark fucking... I can pop out. He can take mine.

I'll take a break. No, I'm good. What? Man, I'm so good. Dude, thank you for having us at your place. Thank you for coming. Don't worry. Thank you for corralling, people.

Thank you, Shaylee, for doing the lights and stuff. This is my first time ever doing a tour. Can someone start the playoff music? I flipped the switch. Whatever. It should be some NFL-type shit because you fucking crushed it. I'm sorry. But anyways, thank you.

Hello. Thank you, guys. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Charlie. Quite an entrance, Charlie. Oh, and there's pulled pork sliders in that over there. You just made Anthony leave again. Shut it off. Shut it off.

Pulled pork? Pulled pork? Anthony was almost to the microphone, and you said pulled pork. Is there a man from Texas here? We got it. I'm going to get into that pulled pork. I bet you are. Oh, yeah.

Get up on the mic, Anthony. Anthony's got his giant fan with him. Just my AZ fan. Because he's not gay enough. He's got to have a fan bigger than an NFL shoulder. Anthony's giant Pokemon ball earrings didn't give it away enough. He's got to be more

flamboyant. When you brought up Pokemon, I thought... Anthony, say your last name. I'm Anthony Desimito. At what on Twitter? I'm at Anthony DeSimito on Twitter I'll find that right away Google will spell it for you

It's D-E-S-A-M-I-T-O So find me Phonetic How long have you been doing comedy? So it's been six years And how old are you? I'm 28 years old. Oh, that's right.

Yeah. I started when I was 21. In Tucson? You will find such a voice that you don't have yet because you're a fucking, this is me pontificating. You're a fucking brilliant joke writer. Thank you. And then at the end, you start getting in dark shit.

Your jokes are dark dark but they're jokes in the middle at the beginning it's a I have to be gay and be gay and then always interspersed with gay I have to address it to begin with but then you get into the

like some hardcore stories at the end that you still kind of half mask as jokes where they're obviously not and you close on that which is brilliant yeah thank you i i don't i i assume you you've worked a lot of gay bars i have drag show wait comedy you know i i've done some gay boys i i had a show at a gay bar when i was starting out yes but i yeah i did that show and and so after that i really just did straight bars and straight clubs in arizona it is super super duper straight when you do a club so that's that that's really where i cut my teeth

is is the clubs here doing like just catering to the straight audience of Arizona. Well, there's no straighter audience except for us being there. The knockout Arizona. Yeah. Town of fucking, you know, everyone has three gunshot wounds and no one goes out of their house. People older than us paid $10 to get in. I hope they paid. The whole time, when I know it's a super, uber, duper straight audience,

I'm sitting there sweating. Are they going to like me? Are they going to be okay? As soon as they say, Homo estas, that's how I know if they're going to like me or not. But you started gay right from the start. You were headlining. For the listener, you were headlining tonight

of four comics. One is thankfully passed out. I put her to bed and it took a good half hour. I was like, Leslie. Solid work. Are you okay? Weird as fuck, but when it comes to

this situation, doing a podcast, way too drunk to be. She can't do it right now. Her peanut butter joke. She said peanut butter, and then she flipped it, and I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? Leslie's amazing. She's brilliant. She's so fun. But listen, we

walked into the gay 90s. We didn't expect that kind of sophistication. She like hit me in the face in the car. That's how drunk she is. I normally wouldn't say this on a podcast, but I'm drunk. But that chick was a fucking cunt to me in the bar like five times. And then I stood in front of the microphone and then she was like, oh, this guy is my fucking friend. It was pretty funny.

This is the thing. That's every woman, though. You're a cunt until you're funny on stage. You're a fucking dumbass. Well, I have to say to you. You say your joke. That's how it is. She just thought I was a local at the gay 90s bar.

She didn't know that I had my own microphone on the Doug Stanton podcast. That's what happened. Judging you and her drunken ass. But she was funny. All of you guys were hilarious. I'm sorry. I don't want to call anyone out, but honestly, you guys her drunkenness. But she was funny. All of you guys were hilarious. I don't want to call anyone out, but honestly, you guys are doing a show.

And when I see a group of comics, I feel like it's all for one, one for all. And during your set, she was in the bar fucking yucking it up with the locals. During Charlie's set, too. I didn't see that. She's just drunk. It was at the point of no return, really. During Charlie's set too. I didn't see that. She's just drunk. It was at the point of no return.

That's where it was. Charlie was second guy up. Actually, he was second. Amy, then Leslie. I don't like that when it's that loud in the back of the room.

During your set, you're the headliner. But at the same time, does she not know that she should probably be a little bit more respectful? Man the merch booth or do something. I don't think she realized how loud it was. She did take door and she was going to let us all in for free and I demanded to pay. Another problem I got with that. When you're at the point of no return, you really don't know what's going on. That was at 8.15

I know I sound like I'm defending her but it's like I've been there and people have told me to shut up but I will no one wants to talk to me when I'm drunk we've all been there

especially when we walk into a gig you go i need to be this drunk to be able to do this to a fucking banquet hall of mostly nobody and people playing pool at the other end so yeah i don't i'm i'm not giving her shit i'm just glad she's not here right now. I'm glad she's sleeping. I'm glad you put her to bed. I gave her a pillow and a blanket. Let's steer it back because when you came out and said homo estas, which was hilarious, I totally knew you were gay before that. Yeah, before.

But I have that kind of insight. Just me walking to the mic. We've already been over that on this podcast, how gay you are. While you were putting her to bed, you were talking about how gay you are. People just knew I was gay. Chad, what kind of powers do you possess to tell that Anthony is gay? I went to an open mic last week, so I knew a little bit about how things work. Chad Shank, we just came back You can marry him? Chad Shank. Get it?

Chad Shank, we just came back from Vegas, just got back yesterday. Chad Shank went to his first open mic and first gay bar in the same two nights. Same night? No, no, no. Same two nights. Same 24 hours. Same 24 hours. Wait, did you go up? One of them was-

Wait, wait. At which place? Either. Where? In Vegas? Yes, in Vegas. Which open mic did you go to? We went to the garage.

That sounds pretty gay. It was very gay. No. I recommend it. Wait a minute. Why does that sound gay? It was top gay. It was...

The garage. When we pulled up... We pulled up in the Uber... We're not going to go to the living room. We're going to go to the garage. We pulled up in the Uber. We're not going to go to the living room. We're going to go to the garage. We pulled up in the Uber, and you could only go in the back door. And I was like, we just came to a gay bar called the garage, and I can only go in the back door.

That makes sense. I get it. I've never been there, but I understand. You need to go to more gay bars in the Breath of Voice. I'll tell you what. I haven't been to a lot of bars in a breathy voice. I'll tell you what, I haven't been to a lot of bars in Vegas, but the Garage was my

favorite. I haven't been to any gay bars in Vegas. Well, this was a sports bar. 30 screens of all sports. Sports gay bars, even though it's an oxymoron, they're very popular. It was packed on a Sunday a lot of gay guys are like

I'll be into football I'm a top I'm a dude's dude as a bear I expected a lot more action in this gay bar nobody was interested in me

they really respect your space because at a gay sports No, they like... Nobody was interested in me. They like, okay, they really respect your space because at a gay sports bar, they know there's going to be straight dudes. And they could probably tell you're straight. Like, no offense. Well, his wife was curled around him like the dog from the Grinch

that stole Christmas. So when... I kept kissing my wife repeatedly, you kept like fingering her and licking her vagina. I'm straight. I'm straight, guys. He didn't do that. But at some point, Chad, this is the first time

I've been in a gay bar. I'm so scared. Lick my wife's pussy. The bar we played was the first open mic I had ever done. Back then it was a different bar. But on my 25th anniversary, I played the same bar, now called the Dive Bar. So there's no green room, and we have 25 people that are coming. To chill.

With a capacity. Like, sold tickets $175, we have $25 with us. So it was like more straight people than gay people. No, no, this was the gay part. Anthony, Anthony, listen. I'm sorry, I'm a little drunk.

I think he's wishful thinking the super gig. Since there's no green room in 175 standing dump dive bar, I said, what's the closest bar near it that we can all hang out as a green room? And they say the garage. We were more comfortable doing cocaine with each other in the restroom of the gay bar than we were the straight bar.

Oh, that's right. Tell him that story, because he goes up by himself. Wait, is there cocaine? No, no, this is in Vegas. In Vegas? Four days ago. Damn it. The cocaine here would put you to sleep.

Really? They cut it with downers. Or give you the shits. You bispy cocaine, I fucking hate you. Chad goes up to the bar to order a drink. And then Andy. Well, yeah, it was cool because the bartender was at least a little bit nice because he was like, hey, sweetie.

Because I was feeling a little bit neglected. Bingo was getting all the attention with her badass outfit. Bingo was wearing this outfit with this whole queen of hearts. I don't know what the fuck it was. The whole back of her neck is... I don't know how you explain it.

Bingo, where's Bingo? There's a picture somewhere. Queen Elizabeth. Yes, yes. So all the queens are up. They're all over. Oh my God, you're so fabulous. Yeah, yeah. So he goes up. They're all over. Oh, my God, you're so fabulous. Yeah.

Nice. So he goes up, Chad orders a drink. As I'm ordering a drink, Andy Andrus comes over and just drapes himself over the back of me and whispers in my ear, meet me in the bathroom. He's a comic friend of ours. Which I already knew that he was going to have cocaine. So it wasn't a bait and switch. He's fucked up. of ours. Which I already knew that he was going to have cocaine. So I already, you know,

it wasn't a bait and switch. But everyone else sees him drape around the big bear here and say, meet me in the bathroom. And they both walk into the bathroom. Did you both walk into the bathroom? Well, I waited for my drink because the guy was still bringing me a drink. And then I went

over and there was like a bathroom and it had a men and a women sign above unisex so i was like okay so i walked inside and there was like a small lesbian woman walking out and i was like ma'am i don't know where to go because i was out of my element but i'm trying to be polite so i'm like yeah where do i take out my dick i start yelling. I'm like, Andy! Andy! Once I realized that Andy wasn't in there, the lady was like, there's a men's bathroom down the hall.

But I felt not judged at all. It was cool that I went into the wrong fucking bathroom. Normally I'd feel awkward about such a thing, but I didn't. This is the first time, Anthony. I'm so glad you felt so not awkward

that you had to mention it. I'm just being descriptive. I don't know how else to talk. Let me tell you guys how uncomfortable I felt at this gay bar. And I did not feel it was weird. Well, it's my first one. So I was acutely aware.

Anthony, you don't know his background. What's your background? Well, you have to listen to the prostitute. I was not, but I was homophobic at one point. Oh, early on, where I grew up, everybody was homophobic. What were your feelings inside? What did you think?

What they were gonna do at that point yeah nothing it was more of just a fitting in with everybody else i didn't want to be like what's what's wrong with that you fucking morons i that didn't that didn't go in the small town where drunkenness and you know bigotry was the biggest homophobe in that town was probably the biggest cocksucker for sure sometimes I try to imagine who was fucking gay when I was a kid

because nobody was out but certainly somebody was fucking gay he's from Globe Globe, Arizona Globe, Arizona Kingman's the same way what is it He's from Globe. Globe, Arizona. You know where Globe is? Oh, my God. Globe, Arizona. There you go. Kingman's the same way.

Okay. What is it? All of a sudden, the fucking light of understanding shines upon everybody. I understand you now, like we're one now. Yeah, yeah. Well, not that close. Not yet. I've got to get back to where we were.

I've got to get back to where we were. Yes. That was the green room. We had a great time waiting. We're just waiting for our show. Then we do our show at the dive bar, which is walking distance from the garage. The next night, they have open mic at the dive bar.

I stayed back at the hotel because we were doing podcasts and shit, but he went to his first open mic the next night, and now I don't remember the whole point of the story. I don't either. whole point of this story i don't either well you guys were telling me i do remember that you guys were trying to tell me to try to do open mic at the open well are you gonna go up when i went and i told sam i'm not gonna fucking go up because absolutely not i've you didn't go up to your first open mic listen i have great respect for all comedians that go up and do funny stuff. I didn't realize that that happens and nobody laughs.

I have respect for people who are successful. Fuck the people who went up and told joke after joke after joke and not one person laughed. I was like, this is what you guys want me to do? Fuck you guys. What the fuck are you doing there? and not one person laughed. I was like, this is what you guys want me to do? Fuck you guys. I'm not fucking doing that. It seemed like he got a hold of the end of the joke before we got to play it on him. Yeah.

You really were perplexed. It's like, this is not what I would do. Anthony. Yes, Doug. Your first open when you said Yuma and I yelled I did one gig there

in my early mullet days in a room like the one you did tonight but brightly lit in a Holiday Inn kind of so that's why I yelled out and the only thing I remember about that, there was another Doug Stanhope

that lived there. And they go, oh, a couple people said, oh, we thought you were the guy from high school that turned into... Oh, you're my Doug Stanhope. I know that guy. He's in accounting.

No, he was a piece of shit fucking dirtbag. That guy's doing comedy Everyone from Yuma So Yuma did you start there? So I grew up in Yuma I lived there when I moved there from Mexico And I lived there Throughout like of high school

That's where I consider where you're from Where you went to high school Because that's where you became a person So like where you're from You went to high school That's where you're from, where you went to high school. Because that's where you became a person, right? So like, where you're from, you went to high school. That's where you're fucking from. Get over it. 18, you became an adult. Yeah, 18, you became an adult. You became a person, right?

And so I grew up in Yuma, Arizona until we moved from Mexico to Yuma when I was 8 years old. And all I did... How many years? When I was 8, I lived there for like 12 years. Until you... What year? I was eight. I lived there for like 12 years. Until you, what year? I'm sorry.

It's okay. You said eight. When I was eight. I moved there when I was eight years old from Mexico. It's this gay accent that you're not understanding. Yeah, it's all the lisp that you can't get through what I'm saying. Yeah. You can't stop thinking I'm sucking your dick,

and that's why I just start doing that. I was going to make a joke that was way less dark than one of the jokes he made about AIDS. What was that? I was going to say, my listeners are getting AIDS. They know how gay you are just listening. But you had an even darker joke on stage. Oh, my God.

I am so lucky I don't have AIDS. Like, that's the bit. I think that's what you brag about when you're gay. Like, when you're straight, you brag about losing weight. When you're gay, you brag about not having AIDS. That's the thing. I don't. He had a joke about being portly, and that's the only reason he doesn't have AIDS.

Hey, I wrote this joke after the Orlando shooting. Yes. Oh, there's so many fucking dark jokes that if you were in a real comedy club tonight, the fucking, at least the back of the room would be dying. They would have taken over the front. The manager be pacing. Yeah. Like a couple old ladies walk out.

Like I'm for sure. Like a couple old ladies walk out. Like I'm for sure. Listen, you kept going and we were like looking at each other. He was like, you should end on that one. That was fucking great. The only reason people stayed is because they were Mexican and so are you. Stayed out of solidarity.

There was one gay guy there that you kept looking at. Was there? Yeah, I was like, if anything, I'm going to fuck. If I get anything out of this set, I'm going to fuck that guy. And here you are with us. He's not here.

I'm going to check out Bizbee's Miss Connections tomorrow and I'm going to be like, did you? Yes, I will find you. I am here in the gallus drive an hour let's let's let's let's let's get to then because i know more more than cock you want pork sliders so let's let's let's get let's get to the dark i love food and i love cock yes at the end you went the end, you went into, and I don't want to burn your material, but you went into being molested. Yeah, I was molested when I was little.

What? Yeah, that's the thing. That's the trendy thing to do now. My babysitter molested me. He made me touch his penis when I was living in Mexico. Fuck it. Do the joke. Hold on.

I do have to say, when you said, come on, we've all been molested, Doug and I just fucking both looked at each other laughing. And then later on, you went into that. And it was really one of those things, because it is one of the... I have bits that are past that. That sounded like a bragger. Somebody asked me about Pokemon, my Pokemon earrings. And I like to say, people ask me all the time,

like, how do you like Pokemon? I'm like, Pokemon, it's kind of like you have to kind of grow up with it. It's kind of like the taste of jizz. You kind to kind of grow up with it you know it's kind of like the taste of jizz you kind of have to grow up with it that's and it that's for me like i knew the taste of jizz very early on like i knew what that was you know there was a the bit was about uh them pulling him out of the room oh yeah my uh my uh so um so i've been seeing a lot of my family recently the other day i got to see my older cousin uh twice removed from my bedroom as a child and this is all true like but that's when you went into the tags where you go, oh, no, this is not a joke. This is a way of making something horrible

into funny. And then you made it real. On stage, he didn't say, and this is true. He just said it now. We all knew it was true. I never said it was true because I expect them to believe me. I expect them to

be like, oh, this is joking, but this is my oh, this is not, this is joking, but this is my life. And this is what I went through. You sell it, my friend. Like I have,

I have like probably had more sexual experiences as a, a child than as an adult. Like that's just the honest truth. Are you challenging me? To be fair, some of that's due to your Craigslist activity, right? My CL status is way up, yo.

It could be. I don't know what he just said. CL is Craigslist. Okay. You got to get with the John. I'll look for you now. Prostitutes. This is where I think of Charlie and doing his bit about being 39 years old,

where he can identify as much with 20-somethings as old fucks like us. That's good. I know what you're thinking, but I also understand why you fucking hate old people. I'm right in the middle. I did that such an injustice. Sorry, Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Hold middle. I did that. Such an injustice. Sorry, Charlie. Charlie. Charlie. Hold on.

Hey, hey, hey. Charlie's staring. Mass confusion on the Doug Stanhope podcast. That's why you need to see the Raising Arizona tour, wherever it is. Do you have a website before I forget? Because we'll get back to your molestation. It's RaisingAZ.com. R-A-Z-I-N-G Raising, yeah, like tearing down

I have to explain this to my audience Go see it Honestly, I don't know what You said you're doing 20 days in Arizona Hang on, this guy got molested, let's get back to that For the Raising AZ Honestly, if you're doing 20 days in Arizona There are going to be some lonely towns

we'll put them all on Doug Stanton's website this will not go out we have 7 or 8 fucking podcasts in the can this will probably go out when you guys are home listen they have a website they have a URL that means they're going to continue to do this

so yes go to that there'll still be dates. Unless you get fucking killed. We'll tweet it after. Gang 90s is down for March. Oh, and they're in Bisbee. September 17th at the Stock Exchange.

And hopefully this will be out by then. But they'll still be doing stuff. Back to what was that yawn thing about being raped by a cousin? Well. It's so boring talking about being raped by a cousin.

We have two more minutes so if we can just fit it in. Amy Blackwell said, listen, wait till he gets to that. Just the apex of raped by a cousin so we can plug merch in our website. And I'm like, that seems rude, but we did it. That's why she plugged the shirts before I went out. It's because no one's going to want to do this after.

Anybody want a beer, Koozie? Yeah. After raping? I got molested in Mexico shirt. Anybody? I got molested in Mexico. I Anybody? I got molested in Mexico. I went to Naco and all I got was rape. When you do talk about that,

do you get a lot of people that come up and say, thanks for saying that? I've gotten a few people. Yeah, like I lived in Mexico and that happened to me we can see eye to eye can we take a picture that's how it is but it feels good

I drive home and I feel so good that I was able to connect with somebody in that mode I do a lot of bar shows that's what I mainly do I'm trying to, like I do a lot of bar shows. That's what I mainly do because I'm a new comic. In LA?

In LA, yes. Oh, you're in LA now? Yeah, I'm in Los Angeles, three months now in Los Angeles. And so I am, what's great about the mics in LA is it's all comics. They don't want to hear dark stuff.

So I'm doing, like I'm doing okay. And like in a club, i have to clean it up of course you know my some of my stuff works um my molestation stuff i have to clean it up a lot but but it is a challenge and especially if you're opening for somebody that like once that is super clean you know you gotta like clean it up and that's where i struggle but i try to stay true to myself as much as i can you know uh you i i disagree i disagree with that though it's weird because like a lot of comics will take me

on the road and they're like uh yeah, you can do 15, 20 minutes. And then when I get there, they're like, can you do it clean? And I'm like, oh, God. Okay, yeah. So I'm going to close it with something clean. You're 29. You get a long fucking road. You're going to fight.

But any time you have a chance to force the issue, do it. You might lose a couple gigs, but if you're funny and you are funny, you've proven that. You'll make your own way. Do what you want to do. Thanks. If you have to clean it up a little bit, do it a little bit and just keep punching.

Skirt the issue. Yeah. Get to the point where they go, that was almost too much. What I do is like the Thursday show will be really clean and Friday. Saturday. And then by Sunday I'm like, yeah, jizz. Just jizz. You guys like jizz? It's like playing just the

tip in comedy form. It's like, yeah, this is exactly what it is. Fabulous. That was Anthony squealing. By the end of the weekend Angela Johnson is like what you're gonna do what you're gonna do

fucking do what you do like you got the joke writing and you got the stories together just they'll congeal I just wanna be honest

I just really want to be honest this guy has no problem putting 15 minutes together, clean or otherwise, after what we saw tonight. No shit. Gracias. So good.

Amy Blackwell, obviously. I think Christine Levine. I hope if you don't know her, you will. I just did a show with Christine in Tucson. How'd that go? It was good. We did the Surly Wench. Oh, don't fucking win. We did the Surly Wench. Oh, don't fucking win.

We did the Surly Wench a couple weeks ago and my mom came and I ran a very similar set to tonight and my mom was adorable because she was just beaming. She was like,

Dad, I haven't heard any of those jokes. And like when I, because I have a punchline where I just say dick really loud and then I say it again and my mom, I where I just say, Dick! Really loud. And then I say it again, and I hear my mom go,

Yeah! And I'm like, oh, Jesus, I gotta keep control here. My mom's shouting for Dick. Like you just kicked a ball into a net? She was just so excited. Yeah, she's like, score! I like Dick, too! No, Mom, please, don't talk about it. I love Christine, but I don't think she likes me very much.

Because she had a fan. Oh, she hates you. The minute I saw you, I go, that's the... No, I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. Well, she had a fan with her. And her fan was like... She told my friend, like, you look really nice.

You're putting him to shame. And then I was like, what? Am I garbage? And then I was just like, what am I, like, trash? And then Christine grabbed my arm, and she was like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, what? What the fuck's happening right now? And I'm like, I love her from Portlandia and stuff.

And she's asking what's wrong with me. But I don't know. She's super funny. If Christine asked you what's wrong with you, she probably wanted to know what was wrong with you she probably wanted to know what was wrong with you and maybe you needed help she's a fucking sweetheart

I think I had like blood in my eyes that's not Christine yeah yeah yeah I don't know it was weird yeah no if she's asking

what's wrong with you she's caring about you like an ER doctor is she doing that okay because I was like thinking that she didn't like me no no no no

I'm glad I wasn't off on that observation Charlie a lot of Louis C.K. in a good way. Yes, yes. Probably because a lot of the subject matter, wives, children, but actually making it funny. You just totally made his dick hard, by the way, by saying that. Louis C.K., compared to him.

Plus he kind of looks like Bert Kreischer. Yes, I got a lot of Bert Kreischer out of it, too. But in the misogynist kind of way. Yeah, if he'd only trim that beard. What was her name on Leslie? She was crazy.

The Seattle girl that had the little things. I want to say Jessie Joyce, but that's a dude. Jesse May Palooza. Jesse Joyce was a MTV DJ. She was just crazy. Henry Phillips always talked, not my dog, the guy my dog's named after.

Henry Phillips always wanted to do a coffee table book of new comics that had one really good joke and nothing else and just have just their really good joke. That's a huge book. That's a huge book. That's a book. But Leslie did have actually more, but the peanut butter joke. Oh, my God.

She's going crazy. That was at that point, I'm like, how come I'm not recording this? I have access to the fucking mixing board. None of the comics noticed Chaley going up behind to adjust your volume. Like when it was getting too loud at the end of You, Anthony, Chaley walks behind, right behind you, turns up the volume, so you're higher. And none of the comics ever went went what the fuck is going on?

But yeah, you reminded me of no one but a Mexican queer. But me! But me! Mexican queer! Did I remind you of anybody? I said Christine Levine. But JT Haversad just texted me. That's his shirt.

Which means he just texted all of us. Eighth day in a row. I have not showered since before I left for Vegas. I drove in this. Changed into suits. But we did swim in a pool. He's amazing. He just asked me to plug his comedy festival.

The Altercation Comedy Festival in Austin going on 29th through the 28th, which I'll be in. I thought you were going to be there. I'm going to be there in Austin. Are you guys going? No. I've got surgery next week.

Oh, no. They're taking off his head. They're putting dink. It's kind of like her. When Amy Blackwell was talking about the best sleep she ever got was in the fucking puff unit in a fucking mental institution.

The last hernia surgery I got, I was like, oh my God, fucking... The rest. Anesthetics? I let bingo drive me all the way back from Tucson and didn't panic. That's how good the anesthetics were. The night after the dive bar,

they just shoved fucking drugs into your butthole there was one more there was one other it's i think we're we're covered but there was one other joke at the after the molestation thing you had some other dark shit you talked about right at the end um uh going on a date with an older man when i was in high school. Oh, yeah. Did you say six or sixteen? It has to be sixteen. I heard six. Oh, did you? Makes it a lot funnier.

I was in Mexico at the time. Once the story went on, I go, I misheard it. So it's a combination of... Doug was projecting his own fantasies onto your jokes. It didn't make sense until the story went on. After my hernia surgery, I'm going to get this shit cleaned out of my ears.

Thank you. So I fell in love with a graphic designer at the community college in Yuma at AWC, Arizona Western College. And I threatened to send him to jail if he didn't start a relationship with me because I was like 16 and perfectly normal right this is your closing joke

that sounds like a joke but we again knew it was true AOL instant messenger am I wrong something yeah we met on AOL AOL like groups so Am I wrong? Something? Yeah, we met on AOL. The AOL threw it in there. We met on AOL like groups.

So he picks you up in a fucking pickup truck. Yeah. And so he, uh, so this guy takes me out to McDonald's. Okay. Hey, don't want to be a dick. Do the stage version

and then do behind the scenes of your closer. All right. So growing up, I was not physically fit. I was like pretty fat. And so I know, right? Surprise, surprise. And so the only guys that would fuck me were older guys. You can rush through the stage version so I was meeting older guys.

You're like, it's taking too long. I was meeting older guys on AOL. I met this guy that was like 24 and I was 16 years old. He took me out to McDonald's. I know this is surprising, but he was kind of weird. We just like ate hot and spicy. And like after that, the day was over. He put me back in his truck and started driving me home

and I was like he seemed pissed so I was like what's wrong are you okay and he said to me you you're fatter than I thought you were because you're 16 I thought you would be skinny and so

I told him if you don't have sex with me, I'm going to call the police. And that's how I lost my virginity. And that's how I lost my virginity. That's the bit. I put him on the spot. He does a tight version of that, which to the layman would sound like a bit.

But he's come off the heels of the molestation, cousin twice removed from my bedroom joke, which we know isn't a joke. It's like Andy Andriston, Sean Rose, and Christine Levine. They all have jokes where they can make fun rather than just be a victim their whole lives. They can turn this into a positive. So the true story is, the true story is you did meet this dude.

Yeah. A hookup. I was on the phone crying, and I was just like, I'm going to call the police if you don't date me. I was so young and so emotional. I was that vindictive. And this guy was freaking out. He didn't want to go to jail.

So he's like, all right, I'll have sex with you, whatever. And it was great. I mean, I thought, even though I was fat. Even though I was fat. Even though I was fat. Even though I was fat. I'm so young, and you're fucking like this young, fat, little six-year-old butt. That's forcing you.

You had all the power in that relationship. He had everything. I have all the power and that's the thing. I have control and that's what people like in that joke is that I turn it around and I am making the pedophile the victim and punishing him. I'm making him fuck some

fat blob 16 year old garbage pile. Or go to jail as a pedophile. And you know that's what he gets for being a pedophile. He's a garbage pedophile. He's a garbage pile himself. He's a garbage pedophile himself. He's a garbage pedophile.

But now he gets to fuck this fat blob. Fuck you. That's what you get. I don't want to focus on this, but who feeds somebody a spicy chicken before they want to fuck them in the butt? I mean, that just seems... Or even a blowjob.

I ordered that of my own will. Yeah, yeah, no matter what you do. No matter even a blowjob I ordered that of my own will yeah yeah no matter what I ordered that of my own will if you're doing a hot wings I actually I went to my friend's

that's where he got disappointed spicy chicken I actually went to my friend's McDonald's because she was working because she was working at that McDonald's and I was like

I took eat local buy local well I took her there to brag. I was like, yeah, I'm on a total date right now. Like, and she was just like, really? And I was like, yeah.

Hashtag humble brag. Leslie's going to hear this when it airs. One day. Why? I'm never drinking again. I miss this. Charlie is sitting over there slumped over a bar stool going,

I wish I got fucked when I was a kid. I'd get more air time. Wait, you got a sandwich too? She's so funny. Check her out. She's drunk right now. Leslie has a peanut butter joke that I will try to reconstruct someday.

Tell me. No, we can't tell Leslie. I'm teasing it. Go to see fucking Arizona Rising. Raising Arizona Rising. Arizona Rising. Raising with a Z. Raising.

So good. So fun. So fun tonight. You guys are welcome here anytime. I'm so glad you came over to do this podcast. Oh, thanks for having us, man. Thank you. That might be Derek with his girl and her girlfriend.

That's true. If it's not, we should call them. I told them there's no way we're going to be up four hours from now. And here we are. Apparently. Let's actually talk shit without having to make it arable. All right. You guys are fantastic.

I wish you the best of success. Thank you very much. Keep going. You guys in the audience really made it. Like you guys led the audience. We'll do the I Love You Man's off the air. Do you want to... Is there a song that we don't need the rights to to close this out? Mishka. They know Mishka.

Oh, I love Mishka. Alright, we'll close it out with Mishka. Chad Shank, Greg Chaley, you have to say this out. Mishka. They know Mishka. Oh, I love Mishka. Alright, we'll close it out with Mishka. Chad Shank, Greg Chaley. You have to say your name. I have it written down wrong here. Anthony DeSimito. Amy Blackwell. Charlie Spees. Leslie Barton.

She was scared in spirit. Literally. Alcoholic spirit. Go check out the tour. Thank you. Check me out at anthonydesimito.com this is what he gave me Anthony that's how he once I read it that's how I remember it and that's not how it's spelled well it's phonetically

desimito desimito I heard someone say your name over that fucking PA So I got it Alright we have to go Thank you Bye

Bye goodnight Out Out Out I spent my drug money on a quart of gin Well I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything fell in love with love and death and darkness if i'm a bad drunk well it's not for lack of practice there is no this is no modern romance because i'm going home in a fucking ambulance Well am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight

Spring break gone broke and sprung Now I'm the only one Mirrored medicine cabinet door Like the hatch of a submarine Bottles inside like buttons and dials And tiny backlit screens Bloody footprints on the bathroom floor In a hotel close to the airport

Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight tonight despair is an octopus with its head in New Hampshire and tentacles everywhere am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight tonight