The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #167: Doug Loses the Hernia and Shootout at Betty's Place

Episode Date: September 19, 2016

Doug's Hernia Surgery, Shoot out at Betty's and Chad gets pulled over.Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded Sept. 17, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Nurse Betty, Cedric, Young Taylor, Floyd (@ArizonaLizards), and Ggreg Chaille (@GregChaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Stanhope Sept-Oct 2016 Tour Dates with Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka - http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Don't Cut UR Hair", by Mishka Shubaly. Performed by Chad Shank, Jobi & Mishka Shubaly. Available on SoundCloud.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

That's the fucking hit. Just hit record. Let's go. We're going. Oh, we're going? Oh, we're going? This is podcast number humba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba. Who fucking knows? Shaley, rock star fucking... What did you put out?

Six and six days? Or seven and seven days? It was over eight hours. No, it was more than that. It was 11 hours. Someone tweeted it. You put out a fucking new special and 11 hours of podcast this week. Good work.

Well, that was a lot of Vegas. Vegas was fucking crazy. And is Vegas done yet? Yeah. I mean, it will be by the time people hear this, but we taped a shitload. I'm going to keep putting them out this week as well, because we got so many that we can get through. We've got stuff that we just kept stacked.

This is why they're coming out now. We would get two or three ready to go, and then something would jump ahead, the prisoner guard and prisoner. So then that would go in front, and then those would get pushed back, and then something else, the funhouse court, the incident before that.

So that's what happened, and we just kind of uh cleaning the house yeah and we go on the road hey people listening yes we're we're we're going back on the road i am same as last time where i'm going to be uh your host your middle act in between comics and then go up at the end which means i'll be doing the exact same amount of time. You start the show. Get there on fucking time. Yeah, maybe we change it up midway through, but throw out the dates right now. I know we start in Amarillo September 27th.

We're driving this whole fucking thing with Andy Andrist and Junior Stopka and whatever special guests we can call along the way. Amarillo, Oklahoma City, not that same fucking horrible venue we used to play. Fucking, Hennigan fucked me on one. One? Well, there's one that i said never again at least two different times and then we'd show up there like we told hennigan never booked this again

but hennigan uh i think last time they had it seated it was zydeco in birmingham alabama and uh and i go it's one of those venues and if you've seen a lot of my shows there's those venues where i have to say shuttle your short people to the front because it's all standing and and it's always the tallest fucking douchebag nba player standing right up front and some small girl behind him but i i guess it was seeded last time, so maybe Zydeco isn't horrible anymore. But, yeah, we're doing Arkansas. Listen, when you see Amarillo, Hot Springs, Arkansas, Birmingham, Peoria, yeah, I'm working on new shit still.

Well, I just watched the Unbookables for the first time last night, and I can't imagine Andy doing anything other than what I just watched him do last night. So that sounds like fun. My problem with Andy, working with Andy, is he was always opening for me. And we're into the same shit. So we'd sit around and watch, you know, fucking history channel. And it was the, you know, you see some reference. You go, oh, fuck.

I get one president called the other president a puzzle wit during the debates in 1861. I go a puzzle wit. I can't wait to use that phrase on stage. But Andy can't wait either, and he's first. This time I'm first, motherfucker. Steal the news of the day from me. Because Andy would do

like, he wouldn't even have bits. You guys know Andy. Betty and Cedric are here and their kid roommate and Will Ferrell from the Saturday Night Live is here. Andy would like whatever the fucking tsunami or whatever the big news of the day is and you want to dig into it. And Andy will just go up without a joke and go tsunami thing and just you just step on the premise. So when you go up, you go, oh, I had a bit about that, but you just already trotted premise so when you go up you go oh i had a bit about that but you just

already trotted all over the fucking thing without having a bit so now it's my revenge i'm your mc i'm your middle act between two headliners junior and andy and then i go up at the end and say whatever else i thought of so it's a whole bunch of me in different places and you know what i don't give a fuck if you don't like it because when you go on the road with andy and junior it's like fucking high school reunion we're doing this for fun i i'm no longer stressed about oh i don't have the have the... I'm not really keen on the material I have. It's not really worked out.

Fuck you. I'm coming to Amarillo. Eat my dick. You're getting fucking three headliners for the price of Adderall. Adderall is the new cocaine. It's such a strong stage drug.

A coke, you... For the first 15 minutes, you have a million ideas that are half abortions coming out of your head, and you never get to the end of one, and then you get sluggish. Adderall, smooth sailing. I do it to be professional what are the dates

Chaley? September 27th Amarillo, Texas the 28th Oklahoma City OK I don't know where this place is it's a new one for us it's ACM at UCO Performance Lab so I don't it's really directed to him. I don't know.

Oh, you're chewing. I was eating wasabi peas, so I stepped away from the mic. Oklahoma City is different. Thanks, Hannigan. The 29th in Fayetteville, Arkansas at Mermaids again. Yeah, it's a fucking fish restaurant, Betty.

It's so funny to work there. I did it once. I'm playing a fish restaurant, a seafood restaurant. Called Mermaids?'m playing a fish restaurant, a seafood restaurant. Called Mermaids? Yeah, and it looks like a seafood restaurant. It's not like... It's a banquet hall for wedding receptions and stuff.

Right. But the front is an actual fish house. And the last time we went there, they had recently moved, but Yelp wasn't updated, so we kept circling this one building going, I don't think they're open. And there's no cars. There's leaves all over the parking lot.

Not a strange thing to have no cars at a Doug Stanhope show in Arkansas. 20 minutes before showtime. This is an old Red Lobster. I don't know that we're in the right place. Oh, I only aspire to one day play the red lobster in fayetteville arkansas this is a mom and pop joint so uh october 2nd is uh memphis tennessee back at the new daisy theater that was fun yeah yeah and oh was it oh anyway uh october 3rd birmingham al Alabama. That's Zydeco. Wait, was that the place?

Yeah, the low ceilings. Yeah. And Tommy James was backstage after his wife left him. That girl fainted in the front row? No, it was someone's wife. Oh, it was Junior's wife started giving you shit. He didn't get the light. That first time we went there with Junior? Birmingham and it up?

Remember that? Yeah, yeah, with Carlos Valencia. So, okay, let me finish. The third, Birmingham and Zydeco again. October 4th, Chattanooga. It's the Honest Pint. Chattanooga, the best fucking hotel bar ever at that Days Inn. If you want to fucking bother me, you know you can find me at the Days Inn.

What? You just fucking edit it out. out no don't edit that out it is a great bar it's a fucking great bar yes it's smaller than this bar and you can smoke and it has a 24-hour restaurant attached to it that's right the diner yeah i don't know the gig he booked us in i've never heard of that real, you should probably edit that out. You're going to ruin that. All my Chattanooga fans are going to hoard the place. Come on. We're on the lambs. They're already regulars. I might as well be

wearing those Groucho Marx fake glasses with a nose and mustache on this tour because no one knows me where we're going. October 5th, Nashville, Tennessee. Back to Zany's, the Dorfman brothers. October 6th, Louisville, the Laughing Derby at Comedy Cavern. Isn't Louisville the place where we...

Yeah, the old comedy caravan is now called the Laughing Derby. I remember the green room way, way in the back. It's downstairs, yeah. No, they have a green room, but I can only smoke in the warehouse part. That's where Cleveland opened for you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

October 9th, Peoria back at Jukebox. And those are the dates we have right now and we're going to be adding a couple more. Oh, there's Des Moines. We're going back to Vaudeville Muse. Oh, really? Yep. And St. Louis back to 2720 cherokee remember that refurbished part of uh used to be a ghetto still kind of is yeah but they're trying to lots of bars on that

street it's nice and they have the uh star wars dioramas up on the up on the ceiling i know i did that for tracy that's the place where someone uh did your medical exam on the merch table. Oh, yeah. And I found out from my doctor that's not a ventral hernia. This one that splits the abs, she had some big name for it. She goes, no, the ventral, that's your belly button hernia. The umbilical is still considered ventral. This is just where your abs split apart because you probably gained weight or coughed them apart from smoking. I did fucking.

Oh, and just to close that up. I don't know if they're adding anything else, but I know we close in Wichita on the 16th somewhere. Yeah. I love that we're doing a tour a week away and it's still not completely booked. That's how we do shit anymore because I don't give a fuck. All of the tickets are for sale at DougStanhope.com through Brown Paper Tickets. So get your tickets now, because, well, last time we went out,

it didn't even matter. Most of them were sold out. Hernia, the inguinal, the one that really bothered me, is gone. This is a week after. I still have three more weeks. Four weeks can't lift more than 10 pounds. And I'm like, can we stretch that? Because we're going to be on the road for three weeks.

I want Chaley lifting everything for me on the tour. And I want to scale. This seems more like almost 11 pounds. Chaley, can you get that cocktail for me? It's not an 11 pound cocktail. Please. What's your largest

vessel for liquids here? I want to push the limit. I've been on that self-imposed plan for the last couple of years. Don't lift anything. But I get to surgery and I don't have insurance. So I'm just going to pay cash, not literal cash. I didn't have a fucking Narcos briefcase handcuffed to my fucking wrist.

But I hope you call me if you did walk around with you would have been funny to just show up well here's the thing they don't know how much it cost just to get surgery they had to call a fucking manager when i went in for the prelim and they go and your insurance i, I go, I don't have it. I'm paying cash. And she stares at her computer like there might be a button for that and stares at me and stares at it. They couldn't tell me how much it costs for surgery. The last I heard about your surgery was when we podcasted in Vegas.

And yeah, there was no no you couldn't get an estimate they still had nothing when you got there well the the place that does the surgery gets their cut the anesthesiologist gets their cut the surgeon themselves gets they're not all together on so and has there a putting me under? They go, oh, you know what? Susie Bazell. Thank you, Susie Bazell. My own personal anesthesiologist. I feel a little Michael Jackson-esque to have my own personal anesthesiologist.

She goes, yeah, the surgeon, Katie Arts, nothing like a hot asian girl that's what i said when i went in for my preliminary appointment i go yeah i'm here to see uh uh dr arch she's gonna stab me in the groin with a knife for money i'm into it i've then i kept going on and on about how it's just a fetish but i i get these hernias on purpose just so she stabs me in the groin with a knife because that's what I'm into. I imagine they were amused. Not at all. No.

No. Not at all. She goes, Susie says, Katie says, yeah, Susie had to really fight with them to be able to do this because they also did my umbilical hernia with Betty, who's here, talked me into getting one of my cocktail weenie was sticking out of my belly button. That could become necrotizing.

And it was the word necrotizing because I don't go to doctors. You could die from that. Kimmy also warned you when we were up in Anchorage years ago that that could be necrotized. Well, it was the word necrotizing that sent me to get that one fixed. This time... But they did that for a trade-out. It was a charity associated with...

Yeah, I go, hey, you're going to give me free surgery? And then I did a show and I raised $17,000 for the Humane Society. They didn't fall for that bullshit this time? I didn't even ask. I have the money. I can pay for it. I just... You can't keep going back to that well.

Who likes horses? You think you have the money to pay for it. You have no idea what it costs. You know how many pygmy goats are stranded every day on the side of the road? We need a shelter for the pygmy goats. They said, yeah, they really had to hammer, I don't know who, I think the surgery center, to do this again. And I go, why?

Because I'm paying for it this time. Last time it was like a trade-out kind of funny thing I put on my website. Hey, I'll trade you a free T-shirt and a CD if you give me surgery. And I got it. It was a joke, but it worked. This time I go, yeah, no, I'll pay for it.

But they said, yeah, they didn't want to do it, and the only reason they are doing it is because they did it last time for the umbilical hernia. And I go, but I'm paying for it this time. They go, yeah, but they lose money. And I'm like, oh. They charge extra if you have insurance? If you have insurance, evidently they jacked the fuck out of you.

Well, they've got a way to charge with insurance. Well, it's probably not called jacking the fuck out of it, but yeah. There got a way to charge with insurance. Well, it's probably not called jacking the fuck out of it, but yeah. There's a button for it, though. Definitely. There's no button for cash. There's a button for jacking them up. You're not asking them to exchange rupees. You're asking them the

cost. They don't even give you a price. That's the thing. They have no idea. The doctors are not when i got the the implant the tooth implant when i asked the doctor i said hey i got i got a guy i got a tooth guy in la maybe he can send you one of these teeth and you could put he goes look do you want the tooth or not do you want it you're eating you're eating in my restaurant you're eating my food all right that's basically what he's saying and then i said well the cost he goes i don't know what cost is i fix teeth the front they're the ones who do the money and that and i go you know

what that's that's the way it should be but when someone comes in and says how much is it to do this why can't they just say it's seven million dollars what they they don't even give you a price no they they couldn't give me the high and then we'll talk about where it's going to land. Well, I'm picturing them giving you a price afterwards. Like, can you return? Can you just give me the hernia back? This is outrageous. True, he made it.

I'm not paying this. Just untie whatever you tied and give me back the hernia. Floyd, who lost his asshole to cancer, a moment of silence for your asshole. And more importantly, the hernia. Floyd, who lost his asshole to cancer in a moment of silence from your asshole. And more importantly, the insurance companies. I mean, just, I got to put in my own personal input here. My, the way I look at it, I think they charge more for cash.

I'm pretty sure the damn insurance companies are getting a slack deal for, you know, frequent flyers. You know, and that was my, if you go in there desperate and you need to have it done i think you pay a lot more well i think what happened with me is because i'm friends with both the anesthesiologist and the surgeon they couldn't charge me what they charged joe blow off the street for cash if he had $7 million. Bad for you. Either way.

Well, I did end up paying for it, but it was different. Okay, the first person that calls, they go, okay, yeah, we need payment up front, and I'm like, I live in Bisbee. I'm two hours away. Do you take credit cards? Oh, yeah, we do. And it was $735, and I'm two hours away. Do you take credit cards? Oh, yeah, we do. And it was $735.

And I'm like, holy shit. I was expecting the first one, the umbilical. The surgeon, when they were doing it for free, I said, well, what would this normally cost? Because I want to make some kind of thank you gesture. And she goes, between $7, probably and uh i'm like oh fuck i can't get you a red lobster gift certificate for that i don't know how to thank you and that's when i came up with the idea of doing a free benefit show for their charity of choice because again it's 45 minutes out of her day and me doing a show is 45 minutes out of my day so yeah that worked out

great but that's more than a hundred percent difference she's so i don't know between seven and fifteen thousand that's so uh when i heard 735 bucks i'm like holy shit i'm getting a fucking deal on this oh no that was just one of the people involved in the entire string of people. The receptionist? That was the receptionist cut at the front? Your slippers. That's for me just making this call. No refunds.

No refunds. I'll bear hug that hernia right back out of you, and we'll take it right back right now if you're dissatisfied. Like those squeeze stress dolls. Boop. Hey, there's a hernia coming out of your ear. Chad, let go. But again, even the needle, which I'm terrified of needle.

Nothing. I watched it go in. But you were on an IV drip, so they had something going through you. You were like twilight. The initial first needle, I watched it go on my hand. Didn't hurt at all. They were fucking fantastic. The pain meds they gave me afterwards, I took a couple the first day just because I thought I should, but it didn't do anything.

I likened the pain to the pain when you get really shit-faced, and the next day you wake up and go, fuck, my whole side is like, did I fall down or something? It's all achy. Did I bump into something? It's not like anguish. It's just like, ah, I'm all kindy. Did I bump into something? It's not like anguish. It's just like, ah, I'm all kind of like bruised. So I didn't need pain pills at all.

There's no cut. I don't understand why it hurts. Yeah. Yeah. Below the skin. I don't know. What did I do last night? So it was like that.

It was fucking magnificent. I love anesthesia. You were home by like 11, and it's a two-hour drive. And then I said something about well now you're probably going to take it easy. You said that same day it's one o'clock and you said no they want me to walk four times a day

starting today. I'm like what the fuck? But they want you Floyd if you want to weigh in. Well they wanted me to walk to the chair and back but I was on a drip. I was accepting them. You were on a morphine drip. You just had your asshole cut out. I had my choice between Dilaudid and

morphine, and I just told them to switch it up. Don't surprise me. I'm glad you guys clarified that, because when you said he was on the drip, I was picturing his bag just leaving his face everywhere he walked. I'm still on the drip. There goes Floyd.

Yeah, it didn't hurt at all. I was up and around immediately. Are you still doing the anesthesia? The anesthesia lasted just the perfect amount of time that it took Bingo to drive me two hours back from Tucson. Because normally, if I have to let bingo drive, I'd be horrified. So I,

until she got me home. Yep. Yep. Got me home. And then I was just up fucking running around. I asked him, I go, what did you install a generator in me?

No, not usually this active, but all went well. Running around. I asked him, I go, what did you install a generator in me? I'm not usually this active, but all went well. So thank you, Dr. Katie Arts with a Z. Hey, do you still have to do the kick when you sneeze? You were doing the Rockettes kick. I've only had a sneeze about three times since the surgery, and I just plug it. Because you're afraid of blowing out your guts. Yeah, well, I'm blowing out the surgery.

Stifle it in the upper corridor. And I had quit smoking for eight days going into it. And last night was the first night I got really legitimately Stanhope drunk. And this is... That was it i was eight days before going into it you would get you you would cut down kind of uh god i wasn't not drinking i drank a drink at night tin can rehab style you were you were definitely cutting way to that way back yeah and then a couple days after and then i I started football Sunday. Fuck it. It's not going to last. I'll start smoking.

But I'd never got really drunk till last night, and I don't remember the end. It was a Xanax. I took a Xanax and came back out. And just like the anesthesia, usually they do the whole count backwards from 100. They must have just jammed it in the IV because I remember talking to everyone, making some jokes, and the next thing I know I'm coming out of surgery. Like, oh, you fucked me.

You didn't give me that how long can I try to stay awake thing. You didn't get the full experience? They probably figured you had a high tolerance and just jacked it up. They're probably bored with my jokes. All they said to me was, you're going to feel something in and about. Not even that far. How far is that guy? I did some manscaping

because I know they have to probably shave you, so I did it previously in the night. To your chest? Yeah, he was motioning to his chest for the listener. That seemed weird to me as well, Shelly. No, I did the whole fucking full frontal because you don't want to just...

I don't know where they're cutting exactly because it's laparoscopic. So they're not cutting right into the hernia. They're going through the belly button and two other places. You thought they might go under the nipple? You should have shaved in a message. I just fucking trimmed the entire thing down

and then shaved directly around that part I didn't want to have like one Jenny's here! woohoo so I was gonna write on my chest with sharpie DNR

do not resuscitate but I was gonna write dnr until after 3 p.m because like a late checkout exactly there's a thing anesthesia is so fucking good i never sleep that good even with xanax. But they wake you up right afterwards. They give you drugs, I found out. I go, well, if you give me anesthesia, that's good. I'll take a double dose of Xanax and I can sleep eight, nine hours. So how is it that you give me anesthesia that knocks me out while you're cutting through my guts, yet I still wake up half an hour after it's done.

Oh, they give you other drugs to wake you up. The other syringes. Because I would sleep for 24 hours. So I wanted to sleep the full anesthesia sleep. Can you decline the wake-up drugs? I'm sure for a price that they don't know. You have to lock out that room for the rest of the day. Yeah, hospital time is expensive, dude.

They had to run you right out. It's like you're in the stress line, you know? Turn and burn. I really wish. I got AC in the car. I can sleep there. Fuck you guys. You're lucky you didn't get a drive-thru.

These doctors are friends of mine, but not good enough friends. I want good enough doctor friends that they'll come down and do this shit on the wink-wink, nudge-nudge right here. Like Civil War surgery? Yeah, fuck yeah. They got the equipment. It happened somewhere. Third World countries are doing it now.

I did search. I did a hospital shop because you can do that you need a kidney you can go online and find out where they do different surgeries cheap and i did want to do the hernia surgery uh what are the medical tourism they call it yeah and i wanted to do that just because it's a funny story out of the country yeah yeah but the problem is i wanted to do that just because it's a funny story. Out of the country. Yeah. But the problem is I wanted to be in a place where I can lay on a couch for a week. With a hot doctor.

With a hot doctor. Come on. You barely even remember that part. So shall we break? Because Chad's got some shit to talk about. This guy's been filming the whole time. Should I throw him out? What about, did you have some thank yous?

You're not periscoping. No, it's Facebook Live. I got some thank yous. I got one hot chick from high school that's watching. Alright, good. This is live? Are you putting this out live? Yeah.

I'm not supposed to do that. No yeah I'm not supposed to do that no you're not supposed to do that alright we're gonna take a break beat up a youngster why wasn't he in front of a window oh shit we should get to do you want to talk about Betty alright let's take a break.

We'll take a break, and then Betty's going to come back with the big Bisbee standoff, shooting bullets flying through her window. Nothing ever happens on my street. Oh, but it does. Please hold. Hello, Bisbee voters. When you walk into that poll on November 8th or 9th or whenever the fuck it is, you listen to me and you fucking listen good.

You're going to go into that poll booth on election day, whenever it is. It's in November, I think. It's probably a Tuesday. You're going to look at a bunch of names. You don't know what the fuck you're doing there. You know what you're doing there? You're voting for Jason Lindstrom, Betty's offspring. He's running for a state representative job.

Do you know what that means? No, you don't. We don't know what it means. We know he's a good fucking guy. You should vote for him. So all you have to do is go and vote in Cochise County. He's running for Arizona State House District 14. Do you know where District 14 is? No, you don't. You just have to remember Jason Lindstrom and you have to vote for him. You have to tell your friends. When you go to work and all those people that just talk nonsense, just go, oh, I hope you're voting for Jason Lindstrom as though it's the most important thing in the world. Don't add any details because they're going to think you know details. They don't know details. Just keep saying Jason Lindstrom over and over again and act like it affects their job,

their children, whatever it is. Get someone dumber than you to vote your way by acting like you know exactly what the fuck is going on. What the fuck is going on? Jason Lindstrom, District 14 State Representative. He's a good guy. And he knows what the fuck he's doing. Just do that paid for by the committee to elect jason lindstrom All right. Betty, Nurse Betty, as you know from the podcast, and Cedric.

Evidently, there was a 40 cop car tank involved shooting situation. I read about this. I heard about it. Betty lives out on the border, like right on the border. We're near the border. I read about this. I heard about it. Betty lives out on the border, like right on the border. We're near the border. I say I live in a border town. Betty lives where the fucking border patrol drives through her fucking yard.

My South 40 just about touches the border. Yeah. So, and your daughter, Kimber, lives next door. Adjacent. Next door is about a quarter mile away, but that's next door. According to the police beat in the Observer, at 1.54 p.m. No, no, in the paper, no. They started getting involved at 3.45, according to the paper. No, it was 5.45.

Right, but then they go back and say, but there was another call at 3.45. Okay, so at 1.54 a.m. on a Saturday night, was it? Whatever it was. Thursday night. Thursday night. Yeah, whatever. Bullets fly through Kimber's house. Well, here's what happened.

I woke up about 1.30 and I heard some, it was like somebody driving a stake, a tent stake in the ground. And I thought, hmm, that's kind of weird. Is it an animal in the roof? Because we've had animals in the roof before. Is it an animal in the roof or is somebody driving a tent stake in my backyard? You know, it was a strange noise to hear it at 1.30 in the backyard. It was a strange noise to hear at 1.30 in the morning. So I kind of try to go back to sleep. Then I hear it again. Pop, pop, pop. You know what? That's a gun. So I called my daughter

because she lives about a quarter mile away, which is next door. And I said, okay, I heard some gun fire. Get alert. Something's going on out here. And she goes, I think they just hit my house. And so, okay, I heard that. That's okay. You hang up. I'm going to call 911. This was my first call on my phone. You hang up first. You hang up first. You hang up first.

So, okay. On my, according to my phone, when I went back and looked, 149, I called 911. And I say, you know, it's kind of weird, but people are shooting at my daughter's house. I think maybe somebody needs to come out. We didn't know. Passive aggressive, Betty. We didn't know. I don't want to be a bother, but it seems possibly live rounds are coming through my daughter's window. I know this is weird.

Well, so we didn't know. Is there something going on? Is there like a cartel battle going on? I mean, has ISIS invaded my backyard? We had no clue. Was there one person? Was there a dozen? Was it 20?

We had no clue. Should I vote for Trump? I don't know. Maybe a wall's a good idea. Well, we didn't know. So, okay. So, so they go, well, you know, we, we don't know. We'll have somebody there as soon as we can. Well, then I found out that in Cochise County, there's no sheriffs on duty between midnight and 6am. So if you want to commit a crime, there's the time to do it. There's nobody on duty.

They've got to get dressed. They've got to put their gear on. And then they can come and maybe help you out. Okay. So at 149, I called. Nobody came. And then I think Cedric called at 202. Nobody came.

And then finally, 45 minutes later, two sheriffs, one from Sierra Vista, which is 25 miles away. Yeah. And one from Bisbee. And a city policeman, a Bisbee city cop, shows up at Kimber's house. Which is not their jurisdiction. She's a bit outside the city limits. So they get done by the sheriff. Yeah, six miles outside.

the city limits, so they'd get dealt with by the sheriff. Yeah, six miles outside. Now, remember that there are 1,200 border patrolmen stationed at Naco, and supposedly there to protect the border. 1,200? 1,200. When I moved here in the 70s,

there were 10. One zero. Now there's 1,200. That's before Mexicans discovered fucking and overbreeding. Well, that's before Betty got away with all that shit when there was only 10 people on the border, remember? Yeah, yeah. Back when Betty used to sell spilled drugs.

All right, so now there's 1,200 border patrolmen, and what are they there for? Daisy Chain? No, they're there to protect the border. Well, it turns out that it's not their thing when they're shooting because that's probably for the sheriff because it's a state crime, and the sheriff has to come out. So the border patrolmen, I mean, they didn't know if it was a cartel

or ISIS or border security, but they didn't come. They didn't feel it. No, no chopper. No federal agencies, only county agencies. If you look at our Facebook page, Cedric, a couple of weeks ago, put a little clip on a helicopter

that circled our tomato patch for an hour and a half. Circled the tomato patch for an hour and a half. Circled the tomato patch for an hour and a half. I don't know what. When a psycho starts shooting through your windows. There are helicopters down for the day. Okay, so it turns out that my grandson, who's almost 16, was sleeping on the screen patio when these bullets started occurring.

Okay, one bullet went over his head, so his mother got him in the house, made him lay down in her bedroom on the floor um two more bullets come through the dining room window and one through the kitchen window misses her husband's head by probably two and a half feet oh i mean they're whizzing and he's a big target he's. I was going to say two and a half feet. I mean, he's... Jesus, come on. How wide is he, you know?

Let's send those guys to fucking target range. Come on, you could have got James. He is a big target. Two and a half feet either way, you would have hit that guy. I know. He's bigger than you, Chad. I remember. Don't worry.

No, we're saying, we're lamenting that they missed. But it is, you know, it. I remember. Don't worry. No, we're saying we're lamenting that they missed. But it is, it is, you know, it was very dangerous. Okay, so 45 minutes later, three guys show up

and they go, oh yeah, there's the bullet holes. Yeah, they went through your window. Yeah, they, they lodged, here's the slug

lodged in the kitchen wall. But you know what? I don't see anybody now. So I guess we'll all go home. Which they did. They just kind of all went home. You have an active shooter. Yeah.

And they come up and go, yep, Bim's bullet holes. Have a nice night. Yep, there's some bullet holes there. Yeah, they just barely made it. Okay, so they went home. And you've got to remember this whole thing, too. When I first heard him, I went and woke up Cedric, and I says, you know. No, when you first heard him, let's go back, you tried to go back to sleep.

No, I didn't, but I woke him up. It was the second time you thought, oh, that's not a sledgehammer. I said, wait a minute. Maybe you should get up, Cedric. I got some shooting going. And he went, well, so what are we supposed to do? So he went back to sleep. I love Cedric.

Floyd, who lives in the apartment adjacent to my house, didn't even wake up. I put my gun under my bed and I went back to sleep. He didn't care. He woke up hurting. Normally I like to wake up locked and loaded. And I was just loaded at that point. Well, finally Cedric decided to protect the family.

Now, you have to remember this night is totally black. It's the post-hurricane night. The hurricane night where there was no moon, there was no stars. It was so black. You couldn't see anything outside. So after we, I think Taylor put a couch

Taylor's the kid that lives with you. Yeah, he lives there. Then Cedric got on the roof with a.38 Special. I'm not sure what he was going to do, but he got up on the roof, total black night. Okay, this went on. Okay, so we went back to sleep. Okay, 5.55 in the morning.

It's now light, and I hear some more shots. Okay, at 6 o'clock in the morning one of my neighbors calls 911 and says my tenant, his tenant, just shot me. He winged him. It's an old

flesh wound. It's a flesh wound. He winged him and he's now barricaded in his house. Now this man happens to be a black person. I have no idea if that's related to this whole story or not. Well, first of all, it's very rare in Bisbee. Yeah, there's not many people that are of black heritage. Four black people in a town of 5,000.

I'm guessing he was a shut-in. I didn't know this one. He was a shut-in now. He went into his little casita, which is in the back of my neighbor's house. And then all hell broke loose. Then the sirens blared. I saw pictures.

There were like 40 different vehicles, a tank, a helicopter. There was a tank. There was a helicopter. How many hours later, though? This was, well, let's see, at 6 o'clock. Four or five hours later. Yeah. Yeah.

And now they are. Once they found out it's a black guy. It's like that Cheech and Chong movie where Pee Wee Herman's the front desk guy. And he goes, I think they're Iranian, man. And then all of a sudden, the response. So when we didn't know if there were 20 ISIS invaders coming on our property, nobody really cared. Oh, yeah, there's a bullet hole.

Yeah, they're shooting. Okay, so now we know it's one black man who is, we know his history. The poor guy is, he was brain damaged when he was a kid. Somebody ran over the sidewalk on Tombstone Canyon and killed his mother, his sibling. And he was like seven or eight years old. Brain damaged him. Everybody knows him in town. We know where he is.

And we know it's one man. We know he's now barricaded in his house. And now the troops come out. So it was incredible. I mean, they were just, there were guys running around. For the listener, this is a rutted old road out at the border.

This is not in a city anywhere. There's not a store. There's a house every quarter of a mile on this rutted, washed out, dirt fucking road. And I saw the pictures of every county, state, city, tank fucking situation as they're trying to talk this guy out. There were snipers on everybody's roofs. There was one guy I saw and he had some kind of a weapon

that the muzzle on it was like six inches in diameter. RPG. For the listener, she's showing her hands like a giant gaping vagina. If you watch gaping anal porn, it's a bigger muzzle. So all these people are out there.

Most of the guys are kind of leaning against their cars, not doing a whole lot. They're watching all the guys. City workers. They're watching all the guys run around the desert. I mean, it was absolutely great. They, they evacuated some houses, but here's Cedric and Floyd was still just home. Nobody cared about them. Nobody wanted to go back. We said, well, you know, they're over there, you know, and I was at my daughter's house now. And I said, well, can I just go home? Because that's happening way over there. And can I just?

No, it's going to be evacuated. You can't go back home. This is a crime scene. We have an active shooter. And here's such a good point. And Taylor was there too, just in the house. Nobody cared. Nobody cared about that.

Nobody was evacuated at all. There was another house about a quarter mile beyond my daughter's house. And there's a man, a woman, and a 10-month-old baby there. Oh, they forgot about them, too. They didn't care about them. To be fair, Floyd was evacuating into his bag the entire time. I was passed out and, you know, oh, never mind. They had holes in the walls.

Yeah, so that's the story, you know. And what happened eventually was the snipers and all their big megaphones, and they finally got this poor, pathetic, you know, mentally challenged, brain-damaged person. Camp two. If you've watched the new Seesaw special, which we'll get to after this break. So they handcuff him him and they throw him down and he's injured somehow minor.

I'm surprised they didn't kill him. But they got him down. Because you know those snipers wanted to shoot somebody. And this goes back to the unseen, unfinished pilot. Was it his gun? Who knows how he got the gun? So we don't know.

That's yet to be known. He's also already a felon. 15 years ago, he stabbed somebody and he was in prison. Well, he can't have a gun if he's a felon. Well, he's not supposed to, but who can say? If he had some kind of mental illness or something that didn't track,

then he could probably buy a gun. But if he's a felon, there's got to be some kind of restrictions. You want to go buy a gun? Well, there's people that can't buy a gun. In 10 minutes, I'll have you a gun. It's called a flea market. In 10 minutes, you can have a gun in business.

I can. I'm not a felon. This guy's in jail now? Well, he's in jail now, yet he shouldn't be in jail. Well, Jason has seen him a couple of times and has recommended mental health therapy and programs. And that leads us right back to Bingo's Mental Health Care, also discussed on the new special on CISO.

CISO, what's that? We'll get to it after this break. But Taylor, he's some boy toy that I assume services Betty when Cedric is asleep. Hey, my name matters. You're a tenant

out there on the border. Haven't you noticed how we pick up all the riffraff when they need a place to stay in Bisbee? I won't defend that. I am riffraff. But, you know. Betty's very... The funniest thing about that night, and it was absolutely hilarious. They're fishing around for this 38th special

they mentioned earlier, and Cedric's up there on a stool trying to fight it, and Betty goes, well, it was right up here. And he said, I hid it from you the last time you were mad at me when we had an argument. That was fucking awesome. Thank you, Taylor. All right.

So, yeah, that's a good clean break. Goat's life. Betty just took a bunch of painkillers and Benadryl. So we'll be back. Chad has a good story. And we're going to talk about the new special and how you can steal it, get it for free if you can't just fucking get it for free. I'll explain that.

Don't give me a confused look, Chad. I'll explain it. I've subscribed and unsubscribed already. I'm way ahead of the game. And we have to talk about the latest James Inman unbookables thing, so we'll be right back. Hey, my new special, Doug Stanhope, No Place Like Home, filmed right here in Bisbee, Arizona, is now available on CISO.

S-E-E-S-O dot com. Go to CISO dot com. It's a live streaming thing like all those other fucking things. But this one, you get a free trial. I know it lasts longer than an hour and that's along my specialists.

So go to CISO dot com and yeah, so how about that? This special is free, motherfucker. Big Jay Oakerson's on the label. Harmon Quest, Rooftop Comics. There's a bunch of shit. It's all comedy. So, yeah, check it out.

Get the free trial. Watch Doug Stano, No Place Like Home, and spread the word about me and CISO. And that free part. Yoink. Wink. It's a fucking all-star cast. What's that?

Tonight. Oh, yeah. Isn't it always? Floyd. Hey, if you haven't seen the article in the New Yorker, just Google search Stanhope New Yorker. Our embedded... Entrenched. Entrenched.

Journalist, Adrian LeBlanc, embedded, entrenched journalist, Adrian LeBlanc, wrote a great story about that whole Vegas thing in the New Yorker. So look for that. Chad Shank is here. Greg Chaley is here. A lot of other people are stepping up to

mics. Bingo showed up. Jenny showed up. Cedric and Betty. Floyd. What are you doing? I'm trying to get back into this thing. We have a list of things to talk about. You keep talking about who's in the room with you.

I'm trying to read my notes. Hey. You still on anesthesia? Chad Shank got a ticket. That was fucking ridiculous. I got a ticket in my Ranger, my Polaris Ranger, which is a fucking souped-up golf cart.

Yes. It's a golf cart with big tires a hunting golf cart you drove that here tonight right? it'll go 60 miles an hour if you push it but for the most part it's street legal

I use it to go get hay it's a fucking little golf cart Betty you have one of those too right? I got a little Kawasaki thing. Yeah. Kawasaki. Same thing. Side by side.

You drove my nephew to your house in that thing. So you're going to take it to the fucking golf cart? Sorry. I was driving down the road, and it's a 25-mile-an-hour speed limit. Jenny's been pulled over on there for some bullshit before, and the guy was, at least the guy was a dick when he pulled her over, and he didn't sign his ticket. And I was like, you don't have to show up.

She made me call the court and confirm that she didn't have to show up, but I'm like, he didn't fucking sign the ticket or give you a court date. You don't have to fucking show up. So anyways, I'm on this very restricted road and i'm watching my speed and i'm under 30 i'm keeping it just under 30 and i pass a sheriff who's parked on the side of the road i wave at was he also in a golf cart he was he was in a blazer he had to have the AC going because he was dressed in full tactical gear. He may have been ready to go to Betty's house. I'm not sure.

But instead he decided to stop and give you a ticket. Well, he was on call for more serious crimes. He pulled me over and he says, Do you know why I pulled you over, sir? And I said, I do not actually know why i pulled you over sir and i said i do not actually know why you pulled me over he goes do you know what the speed limit is back here and i said yes sir it's 25 he goes do you know how fast you were going i said uh 28 he goes you were going 30 what what i said i didn't i didn't say anything actually that I wanted to say at that point

because I'm a diplomat and I'm smart so what I did instead is what I always do when I get pulled over by a fucking lunkhead meathead in fucking full tactical gear is I open my wallet to take out my driver's license where it also shows my military ID because that helps ease the situation immediately. Young Taylor was just talking about getting out of a ticket for being military. It works. That's how it works.

When I rode my motorcycle, I joined the American Legion so I could wear a vest that said American Legion on the back. It cuts down. I take a knee during the national anthem now just because they allowed you to serve. It cuts down on the bullshit most of the back. It cuts down on... I take a knee during the National Anthem now just because they allowed you to serve. It cuts down on the bullshit most of the time. What I forgot to do is

I have to move my medical marijuana card so it's not visible. So I did fuck up there. But he bit and he he you know oh what branch service were you in i was in the army what mos were you i was mechanic six three sierra heavy wheel vehicle mechanic he was clearly military we fucking did the regular banter where i can get out of my ticket and he goes here's the deal we had a lot of parents calling in lately because kids are getting out of school

and people are doing 70 miles an hour down this road. And I'm like, yeah, I've seen people doing 70 miles an hour down this road. They're fucking dicks. He goes, well, the consequence of that is we have zero tolerance for speeding right now, so I'm going to have to give you a ticket for 30 in a 25. In a golf cart. In a golf cart. Run the border patrol?

No, sheriff. Oh, sure. So he disappears for almost 20 minutes, which left me ample time to fucking seethe. I had so many things I wanted to fuck. Just sarcastic fucking, Sir, I want to tell you how grateful I am that you were here at this moment

to save me from exceeding the speed limit. And I want to tell you how grateful I am that I live in a county where nothing more important than me going five miles an hour over the speed limit was happening in Cochise County right now. Yes. I'm glad that you wore that bulletproof vest because five miles over the limit could really take a guy's chest out, you cunt fucking coward. Oh, you.

That was much more mild than the things I was thinking. I wanted to... I was riffing. I wanted to cuss. I was scatting. I wanted to fucking... But I knew it would do me no good, as a diplomat knows, and I fucking said what any diplomat would say when he handed me a ticket.

He's fucking, yes, sir, thank you. But then... handed me a ticket and he's fucking yes sir thank you but then that motherfucker tried to thank me for my service I wanna say thanks for your service but fuck you you don't get to fucking address that now that was supposed to save me from a ticket motherfucker

so now I have to go to save me from a ticket, motherfucker. Oh, irony. So now I have to go to court for a five mile an hour over the speed limit ticket in a golf cart. Can I be your attorney? It's $62. I think I'll be a diplomat and just give them $62. If anybody wants to donate to my... Are you going to do a crowdsourcing, some kind of GoFundMe? GoFundMe.

Donate to Andy Andrews DUI Fund before you donate to my $62... Oh, there's a buck from Taylor. So you're almost there. So what was the area that you got pulled over in? Is it near a town? That's a good question because I can describe it. On the left side is, I think

it's a trailer park, but it's not an organized trailer park. It's just a lot with trailers. It's not going to be anywhere in Arizona. Half of them don't have anybody living in there. They have plywood over the top. There's some couches outside the trailer right where I got pulled over that said free last year.

Now it's just couches sitting with weeds growing all around them. And on the other side of me is nothing but desert for as far as you can see. So there's no, like, a school or a bus stop? No, nothing at all. Just a flash mob mobile home park? At best, I could have hit a crack baby in this area. Remember fucking Brendan Walsh's bit about crack babies? And where are they now?

Because they have to be crack adults? Because that was the 80s. I can't remember how it went, but it was a fucking beautiful bit. And we'll be doing the same thing about Zika babies in 20 years. I won't be here to see it. Yeah.

Brendan Walsh, Bone Zone. I, for one, feel really protected that they were out there taking care of you. You know, i think that i feel safer i feel safer that they were out there watching for you speeding five miles over the speed limit i had so many sarcastic things to say to him but then i realized that you're fucking stoned to shit court date you court date the 29th September 29th we'll be gone

this falls into the category of it's only funny if you really do it and on that pilot I really wanted to do that but I don't know enough current comedy I remember Ron Moore used to have a bit about for tobacco use only at head shops.

And like, yeah, I'm going to smoke. I'm going to smoke tobacco out of a six foot bong shaped like Jerry Garcia's head at a restaurant back when you could smoke in restaurants. I wanted to have a segment of it's only funny if you really do it and take comics bits. But the fucking Stephen Wright had a bit about getting a traffic ticket and pleading insanity. Who else but an insane person would park on the freeway? I forget how the bit goes.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, Your Honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane? You pleading insanity on this? That's how I get out of federal jury duty. I found a fucking lawyer that's fun that I know. Me too.

I had to make a new will because I realized I'd be... I'm aware of my lifestyle. I know I should have a will, but back when I made one, we had first moved here. We had one house, bingos. But back when I made one, we had first moved here. We had one house. Bingoes.

If she gets shit, then they can cut all her disability. Assistance. Yeah. So, yeah, I had to remake a will now that we have more shit. Well, you got that CISO money rolling in. The point is, it was a fucking, the lawyer is a guy that was really one of the catalysts for me moving here. So, yeah, I'll talk to him. He's up for a gag. If you want to plead insanity on this, that would be fucking hilarious.

I'll bankroll it. I got a $62 ticket, but I'm willing to play whatever role you need me to. It could be funny. You are technically insane. Technically, yes. I have documentation. Let's take a Stephen Wright joke. The federal government has deemed you

mentally incapacitated at some level, right? Can we spitball this a little more? Because I don't want him to take away my driver's license because I'm too insane to drive my golf cart. Can't have shoelaces anymore? Yeah, I want to make sure that I don't... I don't like wearing slip-ons. I'm insane, but I'm not dumb enough to shoot myself in the fucking foot.

We'll talk about it. We have a long night of drinking ahead of us. Let's get to CISO quickly. The new special on CISO. No? You wanted to go to Inman. Oh, fuck. Inman. We'll wrap up on CISO quickly. The new special on CISO. No? You wanted to go to Inman. Oh, fuck. Inman. We'll wrap up on CISO.

We should wrap up. We have to do the latest on James Inman. If you haven't heard all the podcasts, I actually watched The Unbookables last night. I got 40 minutes into it and then

kenny showed up so i had a but i'll watch the rest but the recut is completely different and i laughed my balls off i really liked it i'd never seen the first one but when you told me last night that you're watching it on amazon i didn't know it was on amazon and i watched it and i thoroughly enjoyed it the new one is on amazon. While James Inman was going on tilt hardcore, I kept calling him for over a week. He never answered his wife's phone. He doesn't own a phone. He has a wife?

Yeah. It's been covered. Then I find out he shut down his whole Twitter account because of our bullying of him. I guess there was some bullying, but there was bullying back. He's just not good at it. We don't care. But I did watch the new recut of The Unbookables,

and I fucking loved it. And there's Walsh and Sean Rouse. Sean Rouse carries the fucking thing. He's so funny. Every guy. I want a tour with Sean Rouse. All I'm missing is the comedian that can corral Sean Rouse. And Nurse made him.

Every part of him is fucked except for his comedy. I'd carry Sean Rouse all over. That guy's fucking hilarious. Yeah, but what you need to do. Easy, Chad. Easy, Chad. This is a big job. Oh, yeah, I don't know all of the details.

What Chad Shank needs to do is write five minutes of comedy, which you're going to do because you're going to be opening here October 6th. Betty, everyone in the room, locals, October 6th, Betty. Everyone in the room, locals, Mishka Shabali and Christine Levine will be playing on October 6th at the Stock Exchange, and he's going to be hosting. So I hope you write some shit.

All right. You'll do it. You have to do it now. It's announced. I'm going to announce fucking people's names. I don't have to know shit. You don't have to, but you're going to want to. You're going to go, I'm going to fucking write at least one fucking joke.

You know you will. I might have already, but then I'd look at it, and then I'd think it's not funny, so then I'd just cross it out and throw that away. How do you get past that part? I'd look at it, and then I'd think it's not funny, so then I'd just cross it out and throw that away. Chad Shank has, since the audio book came out, Digging Up Mother, rave reviews for a groundbreaking audio book that includes podcast elements and people from the book. Yeah, we did something I don't think anyone else has ever done. It's interesting.

I don't know how to take it when people tweet oh the audiobook is so much better than the book they're both me but you can listen you can read the book and then listen to podcasts all the people are basically on a podcast i mean we offer it in separate parts or the audiobook where it's all put together a million people people have said, oh, the audio book. That's good. I read the book, but the audio book, so much better. And always with Chad Shank name.

I've set up a profile on Audible's website so that I start uh soliciting to read more audiobooks and in my i didn't have any credits it just has like a like it has like a cookie cutter template where you put shit in and it's like what's your credits or reviews and i'm like well i don't have anything and then i was like oh wait stanhope has reviews on his book so I cut out every section that talked about me and put it in quotes and pasted it in my reviews. I finally quit because I felt like a douchebag. I was like, I don't have anything to put in here. And I was like, I'm just going to stop putting stuff.

There's a lot of people saying nice stuff about me. It's so hard. The hardest thing in this business is when you have to write your own bio in the third person doug stanhope is this crazy and often considering about how good you are but you're acting like you're not writing it it stinks it's fucking vulgar so uh yeah at some point i go you know what now we have reviews from newspapers. Just put that.

Put what they said. I don't want to write anything about myself. But Chad's going to do audiobooks. I already found one. There's one that's only an hour long. It's how to build a chicken coop. That's probably going to be my first. The irony is just so awesome.

My first audiobook. Yeah, back up. If you haven't listened to every single podcast there was a time chad shank was trying to build a fucking chicken coop and going out of his mind and then took acid and tried to finish it on acid and then everyone on twitter is trying to tell him how to fucking and so one of the uh audible.com people sent him some things. Hey, this is what you have to do. You have to buy this equipment.

You have to have, you know, and you have to deliver a finished product. He can't, like, audition. He has to read an entire audio book. And then edit it. And edit. Send in a finished product to see if he gets picked up. And after that whole podcast, or several, a couple podcasts it lasted, about him trying to build a chicken coop,

the one they sent him was some guy writing a one-hour, 9,000 words about how to build a chicken coop. And the other great thing about it was that he was boasting that he had 1,200 followers on Instagram. So I can enter into an arrangement with this guy where we do 50-50 split on the sales. Of the audio book. Of the audio book.

But I got more than 1,200 followers on Twitter. You guys will fucking buy a $3 fucking book if I read it on a chicken coop. Hell yeah. I don't know. Oh, yeah, because you'll get 50% of that. In perpetuity. Forever. Yeah. And there's also

a bonus deal where you get, if it's their first audiobook, you get $50 that you split with the author. It's like a whole, I don't know, ACX. If anybody's interested in reading audio books, anybody can do it at ACX.com. And then you have to just set up, but you have to have fucking done shit.

I'm lucky. And you can get our audio book on audible.com. Digging up mother and a CISO, the new special. All right. This is a, we'll try to make this succinct. We're probably at an hour and ten right now, I'm guessing.

Just under. Just under. We're not bad-mouthing CISO on this. No, we're not. I did the other night. Okay. I'll stay quiet then. If you don't know, I use Facebook.

I don't read comments. But the other night, I read comments. And everyone had problems with CISO. CISO is a new streaming service. They got their growing pains like Netflix did before Netflix was popular. Amazon, same thing. Amazon.com. Amazon.

Well, CISO is part of Amazon. So you can get it through Amazon Prime same thing. Amazon.com. Amazon. Well, CISO is part of Amazon. So you can get it through Amazon Prime or PlayStation. I don't know. Fucking even one. Roku, Xbox. It's on a lot of platforms. All right. So, yeah, you can get it, and everyone's being a cunt.

I was demoralized reading the comments. But the big thing is, CISO only works in the U.S. unless you know how to cheat the system. Back doors. So I've been putting on my Facebook, I don't read your fucking comments anymore. I did that one night. But I'm putting up, hey, if you know how to cheat the system, explain it in Facebook comments under one of the topics.

Yes, I want you to steal it. Like two people that night went, oh, I'm sorry. Well, sorry. That's just the way it is. People steal stuff. Oh, no, I'm encouraging you stealing the fucking thing. I just don't know how to do it. I'm a technotard like fucking Betty is.

I don't know how to, but I'm making a platform so you can show how to steal it. If you bit torrented, I don't give a fuck what you do. I've found this since I first started putting out CDs. Yeah, the people that will buy it like me i don't know how to steal shit and i have the money to buy it you don't need if you're in the u.s cso gives you a free trial so if you're that much of a cunt that not a cunt you don't want to spend three dollars and 99 cents you get the for your trial for your third month you could have not a cunt. You don't want to spend $3.99. You get the free trial.

For your third month. You could have watched all two months, and then you get the third month for $3.99. You're two months free. Yeah, and people aren't getting it. You can get it for free if you live in the U.S. I'll tell you right now, if you sign up and immediately cancel, you still get the two months free if you put in the code Stanhope.

Yeah. So you don't even have to try to remember. Because that's my thing. I don't want to try to remember to cancel shit. You don't have to. If you sign up with the code Stanhope as the promo code, you get 60 days free. And if you cancel immediately, you still get 60 days free. All right, here's the bad news I found out today.

That's probably not the greatest promo. Look, all they want is people to log in. Listen, they want people to sign up. From what I know, it's all comedy. From old reruns of Johnny Carson up to Jay Oakerson. The Mighty Boosh is on there. I immediately started watching the life of Brian as soon as I was done with your special.

Yeah. If it stinks, cancel it. Yeah. So yeah, I'll fucking tell them that. I have every other. They were pissed off that one night I read all those comments and I've made a bunch of tweets that were negative about CISO because I felt like a piece of shit because I don't know how to tell people

how to fix it. Yeah, my fans are dicks. But the point is, yeah, you don't like it, cancel it immediately and otherwise, oh fuck, I just got billed for $3.99. That's the price of a fucking number two at Wendy's. Hey'm i'm technologically challenged

and i had no problem with it in your face that's an 81 year old woman who just said that part of the value that did time as a felon yeah oh bingo's parents got it. Yeah, yeah. They can figure it out. They barely had Bingo. It's the international. Why you fucking hate us now?

That's not what this is. I didn't know when I fucking took the deal. The value to CISO is that they can start getting these subscribers jumping on, and they start testing the system and getting it out and figuring out these problems. Nothing's solved overnight. All right. Well, the people complaining that it's not overseas,

that's going to actually help CISO because they know that the demand is there, and they'll want to produce it to more people. I mean, that seems to me. When you put out a free trial, you are assuming that seems to me. When you put out a free trial, you are assuming that people will forget. That is the marketing scam. So if CISO doesn't like me pointing out

that they're using the oldest, easiest marketing scam since Columbia House Record and Tapes tapes tape a penny here nine albums but if you forget to cancel we're gonna fuck you that's what you're doing so i'm pointing that out and guess what my fans are drunks and they will forget no matter how much i remind them and i'm going to this premiere quote unquote premiere party in two days where I'll see the CISO people face

to face and I'll be able to belligerently with hot alcohol breath explain this to their face and I can't wait for that i try i tried to use my emergency surgery for my hernia to get out it was supposed to be the 12th when i got my fucking surgery and i go i'm sorry i got surgery i can't well we'll tell them it's emergency surgery yeah tell them whatever the fuck you want but surgery is more important than sitting and talking to a bunch of fucking suits

who are going to make obligatory comments about what they liked about this special and all the things we can do in the future. Hollywood's such a fucking just gas bags. So, yeah, I can't wait to tell them. Yeah. Good, because this is going out on monday the morning of your premiere of the suits so oh yeah all right well i want them to have some context of why you're blowing hot alcohol breath in their face and they're like what who are you anyway international

there's a vpn uh i keep hearing over and over again there's a way you can do it just go to my scroll through my tweets and my Facebook shit and people will tell you how to steal it if they bit torrent it I don't know what that means I know the nomenclature I don't know what

it means steal it and put it out it's a way of collecting it onto your server And the other bad news We got a little bit fucked on this one Because last time We went on Netflix And it was three months before

We could sell hard copies DVDs Sign it and you have A thing It's exclusive with CISO. Six months now. Okay, so they get an exclusive for six months

before you can actually burn hard copies and get them out there. I kept telling people on the internet, on the social media. So there will be hard copies out there long before you're able to put hard copies out there is what you're saying. Yeah.

You know what? Fucking sell them. Burn it on a DVD and sell it on fucking eBay. I don't care. You have to understand, I worked on this for 18 months before I filmed it, and then it was almost a year before it was released, and I was just so happy that the references still make sense. If ISIS was defeated, I'd be defeated.

Remember ISIS? Anyone? Yeah. Cricket? Yeah, yeah. The special holds up, and I never say this about my shit. I really fucking like this special. Yeah, Duggars.

It doesn't matter. I spelled the Duggars out. You set it up right. Yeah, I set it up so if you've never heard of the Duggars, then you get it. And the Royale looks awesome on camera. I mean, some people were, some lighting director or something was hitting up. There's always one cunt that you fixate on because he sent some tweet.

Next time hire me for lighting. And then, of course, Hennegan jumps in before I ever read it. The director. It was lit the way we wanted you, fucking cunt. Hashtag like your opinion matters. He's trying to make his job sound important. It's like it really worked. And everything he complained about is what I liked about it,

is that it was just you on that stage. It was just, there weren't light bulbs hanging down or a big backdrop. I fucking hate so many comics I love that I watch their HBO Showtime specials and you go, this is not what comedy is like when you do comedy. This is over fluffed

over lit fucking roving cameras in the audience which nothing will queer an audience that is from laughing than a fucking giant camera in their face how much are you gonna you flip out when there's a camera a phone in your face with the red light on unbelievable yeah you're fixated a phone in your face with the red light on. Unbelievable. Yeah, you're fixated. That's a podcast. Oh, wait.

I wanted to plug, well, I guess this goes out Monday. Yeah, take the fucking, how is Philly a three-point dog to the bears on Monday night? I know it's at Chicago, but yeah, take Philly. And Kitchen Confidential, I finally finished. I was going to read like nine books during my surgery prelim and post-op. I only finished Anthony Bourdain, who is now in my top five day drink. Who would you rather day drink with?

Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential. It's 16 years old, but I get around to it. I think he still smokes, too. Oh, yeah, he does. Smoking and drinking. You guys have a good time. I want him at the Funhouse.

Fucking torture at Bourdain. Doesn't he follow you on Twitter? He follows me, but he doesn't respond to my fucking tweets. He's probably busy. All right. Thank you, everyone. Chad Shank will be doing

books on tape. We're going to we're actually going to try to write one just for you to do. We have a open visit. We'll talk.

Yeah. I picked the closing song. Oh, wait. That's right. Wait. Did you have some thank yous for

anything? Yeah, I do. I have. Thank you. Someone sent me a book, I do. I have thank yous. Someone sent me a book, a Buddha. They tried to steal the Bible, but it was a Buddhist book. The Bagat. It was from Hawaii.

What was that, Bagat? Bingo. What else? You got some shit. I don't know. We get a lot of shit. I'm sorry. Let's do it next time.

You're not ready. Yeah, I'm not ready. I was going to say, here are the thank yous. Yeah. Thank you for sending shit to 212 Van Dyke Street Bisbee Arizona 85603 and

yeah we get a lot of nice stuff thank you let's close this down watch the fucking UFC hear the song oh yeah you fucking lost your whole train of thought. Mishka Shibali, my favorite song.

Here we go. He got Chad Shank here to sing a cover version, and we're going to close on that. It was very covert. Don't you cut your hair? Don't cut your hair. Stan wasn't supposed to close on that. It was very covert. Don't you cut your hair? Don't cut your hair. Stan wasn't supposed to know about it. It was me and Mishka and Joby.

Haven't heard it yet. There it is. Here we go. The potato peelings in the sink Did not turn into vodka as I had hoped I only start to need a drink into vodka as I had hoped. I only start to need a drink after the liquor stores have closed. You left a bunch of dirty Kleenex

underneath the mattress like an unwanted batch of kittens. Underneath the mattress Like an unwanted batch of kittens Everybody's got secrets And I'm forgotten But I don't mistake it for forgiving I heard you change your name again. Don't you change your whole head.

It was the only thing I liked about you in the end. La, la Ha ha The woman on crutches Bought a pregnancy test Safeway The woman at the laundromat Can't meet my eyes Girls at the bus stop

The stripper downstairs Know some of the girls In some of the movies That I watch sometimes The woman calling On the telephone Losing patience Her voice sounds like

Whiskey and milk You know I can't pay the bill But please call back I got to know that you're alright I heard you change your name again Don't you change your name again It was the only thing I liked about you Don't you change your name. It was the only thing I liked about you in the end.

La, la, la. Heard you changed your name again. Darling, don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end La la la La la la Bye.