The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #168: Prison Guard vs. Prisoner Pt.02

Episode Date: September 21, 2016

Doug invites the Prison Guard and the Prisoner back to the FunHouse to swap stories about Hooch recipes, pleasure devices and gambling in the joint.Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded July 17, 2016 at the Fun House with Doug Stanhope (@dougstanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Prisoner, Prison Guard, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Stanhope Sept-Oct 2016 Tour Dates with Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka - http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "S.O.B.", Performed by Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This is the Doug Stano podcast. Someone nominated this. I don't know if you were watching on the Twitter, Chad Shank, but someone said the first Prisoner vs. Prison Guard podcast usurped their favorite of all time as the best podcast ever. And Prisoner and Prison Guard said, oh, well, we got way more shit we haven't even got into yet.

So this is Prisoner versus Prison Guard part two with Greg Chaley for a limited time only. I think he has to go back down and edit more shit. Chad Shank and Prison Guard. Hello.

Unless you want to use your real? Yeah, it's your name. Unless you want to use your real name. Prison guard is your name, right? Yes. Lindy England? Lindy England. That's right. Stalker Deb named you Lindy England

in the most hateful of ways. She did not like you at all. No, she's like a war criminal. She's like that Jessica Lynch. I go, I know who you're talking about, but Jessica Lynch was a completely different fraud of the Persian Gulf. So we looked it up. Lindy England and Willie Nelson. I don't know.

Prisoner versus prison guard. You have unfinished business. Then I think that if you didn't have other partners, I think you'd hook up. I really do. I think even if you, since you do have other partners,

I think you'll hook up eventually. That would be a violent clash, I fear. There will be blood, part two. Somebody would get hurt. Is something weird happening? Why do I hear us on the speaker? Is that supposed to happen? On the speaker?

Yeah, you don't hear it? On the monitor. You doing 2CB again? No, I do have some. Are all those 4th of July drugs kicking in weeks and months later? I was right. Okay. Much better.

Ah, there we go. So, uh... All right. You're in solitary. Who rapes who? I don't know how to start solitary. Who rapes who? I don't know how to start this. Who rapes who? Who rapes who?

Ain't nobody told you. Who rapes who? You can jump in. You don't have to write it down. I thought it would be funnier if I wrote it. Erickson's feeding Stan Hope jokes. What I wrote was, it's actually who rapes whom.

Well, you can't rape the willing, so. And who's the willing? Alright, you started with hooch while we're saying, hey, we should do another podcast since we're very very drunk. But you started with hooch.

Who said that, him or you? Prison guard. Prison hooch is probably the most common drug, and hooch is what the common terminology is for prison booze in Maricopa. So what it takes to make hooch is you hoard up a bunch of fruit. Usually it's oranges.

You hoard up oranges. Or apples. Anything with sugar. Sugar. Anything. You take bread. Pop-tarts. Yeah.

Well, you shove it into a bottle. Or a garbage bag. A lot of people that we were with used garbage bags. You let it ferment. Maybe you ease it in. Ease it in. Well, you're always about shoves. You have to let it ferment, so you gotta you gotta hide it for a

while you need heat that's for sure so you gotta you gotta like you know coddle this thing uh your your prison hooch your your your oranges and your bread you let that ferment with your body heat and after a while it's going to turn into your hooch which is your alcohol and i've seen this in containers which if you want to hide a large quantity of prison alcohol, a.k.a. hooch, you put it underneath the day room trash. You take the trash out, and you have another trash bag that's full of your hooch. And it could be a couple gallons worth of this prison booze.

And if there's a large game coming up on TV, whether it's Super Bowl or the World Series or something, everyone's going to take a glass of this hooch, and that's where you hide it. It's underneath the trash in the day room. All right, hang on. We're going to go to the Doug Stanhope podcast cooking show, Hell's Kitchen. We're going to start with you, prison guard.

How do you make perfect prison hooch? And then we're going to let Prisoner bring his recipe in. And we'll see who votes online via Twitter. Add Doug Stanhope. Who's got a better recipe? Okay, you're on first, prison guard. You're making prison hooch. How do you start?

Take your loaves of bread, which you get in your normal... You get loaves of bread in prison? You get some slices of bread with your meal. All right. So what you want to do is you want to hoard some of those up. Take some oranges or whatever fruit they're handing out with the breakfast meal. You want to hoard some of those up, and you're going to grab that. What are common fruits that they serve at prison breakfast?

For the listener. Usually oranges, sometimes grapefruit, citrus. All right. So you're taking that, and what you're going to do is you're going to make a concoction full of that juice from the citrus. Recipe, please. This is Rachel Ray of prison. So far we have bread and citrus.

All right. Equal parts? Yeah, that's pretty much is Rachel Ray of prison. So far we have bread and citrus. All right. Equal parts? Yeah, that's pretty much the gist of it. You got the yeast and the bread. And so what you're going to do is you're going to throw that into a bottle, and you need body heat. So you're going to throw that. Usually you can get like a half liter bottle of whatever soda you can get out of a canteen or your store.

And you're going to store those items in that and you fill up the bottle and keep it next to your body and that heat from your body is going to make that baby bird exactly you're going to sit on that i've been talking like a tell a lot on this last week podcast you're just going to huddle that until you get to a point where that bottle just expands like a football where there's so much pressure like that bottle. Like an inflatable butt plug, so you don't have to curl around it. You can shove it in your ass. It's convenient that you need something to hump anyway. That's always an option.

And after a while, after a day or two, it ferments, and that's the point where you can get hooch and you can drink it and you get pretty buzzed off of it. Day or two. All right. Okay, and now we're're gonna go to Prisoner to... Is she right or is she wrong? Correct her. She could be right, but

where we were, we didn't have citrus. We just mostly had apples. So we had to make all of our booze out of apples. But it's the same thing? Bread? You take about 15 to 20 apples, slice them up real small, mash some of them up, mix them with some water in a garbage bag because you want to have something that's easy to hide

and something you could sleep with at night because that's how you heat it up. Whoever's making the booze will take a garbage bag. You fill it up with some water, some apples, 150, 200 packets of sugar, as much sugar as you could possibly acquire. They have sugar packets like at Denny's? Well, you can get sugar from the commissary i think it was like 40 cents a pack it was ridiculously expensive but you can get for like your coffee

and shit like that so you could trade with people and get sugar that way you could use bread you cannot use bread but most of the time it was just rotten fruit and sugar sleep with that a bunch of times and if you sleep with it for a couple days, it will start filling with air, like she said, and you just gotta burp. It's kind of like when you marry a girl that's thin. Yeah. As soon as you made the commitment, she swells up.

Yep. Really, really big. And what's funny, so you got all these dudes sleeping with these garbage bags of shit that they gotta burp and stuff at night, and it's kind of funny when you think about it but the white rhino is fun as fuck to drink when you get in there because most of the dudes just get violent as hell and it's hilarious to watch

them just do stupid shit and most of the people get so fucked up because they haven't drank for So there's no I love you man in prison? It's more get fucked up on your own and see what happens if like 10 other dudes happen to be getting fucked up on your own and see what happens if like 10 other dudes happen to be getting fucked up that night then shit happens to get

wild but most of the time you drink by yourself or with one or two other people so other people don't take up all the booze and if you're making shit it took you between three to seven days that's a lot of hiding. She said one to two days I ain't drinking that shit he likes

his wine aged. My prison wine is a circle on April 17th. Burped a few times at least. You gotta burp it a few times at least. But it's really easy to make and just about everybody

tries to make it. Most of the time they fail and it's hilarious. And most of the time you use the same things, the same bags you use to work out with. So if the prison guard was an asshole, he'd come in and find either your...

Sweat wine. Well, either garbage bags full of water that you'd use to work out with or full of hooch that you would also use to work out with, so you'd hide it, and the assholes would just poke holes in it and walk out of your fucking area. Probably like her, yeah. Where your shit just gets destroyed. Sometimes it's water, but sometimes it's fermented old nasty shit that gets all over it.

Prison guard, didn't you say that that was one of your moves? Like checking the bedding? Yeah, when you are doing your security check every 25 to 30 minutes, you're going in and there was a quota of like six cell searches you had to do per your shift. So you go in and'd do your cell search. That's quota. So you'd go in, and if you were really, really cool, you'd go in and you'd take your cuff key.

You'd go in, and if you found a prison bag, a trash bag full of water that they would use to work out, lift, and whatnot, you'd go in and incognito, just take the end of your cuff key, poke that thing, let it drain out all over their bed, over their bedding, and you just walk on out. Just continue with your walks. And when they would afterwards check their bunk after they

saw they were getting cell searched. We only have like a half a garbage bag worth of fucking belongings. We know that, right? Let me back up for the listeners. When Deb Stocks called you Lindy England, for those of you who don't remember Lindy England, she was that fucking Nazi dominatrix dyke from Abu Ghraib that was taken in the photos holding prisoners in,

is that Afghanistan or Iraq? I don't know where Abu Ghraib was. Sounds right. Yeah. Whatever. She was the one that had the guy in a fucking hood and a dog leash and fucking... Oh, you're trying to give some reference? Then this chick is the kind of chick who's proud

of that nickname. Yes. If that gives you any sort of reference at all. She's a terrible person, but awkwardly hot. If you only have a few belongings, some letters from your dead mother,

some shit, she'll cover it in fucking shit. Pointing at her. If you're cool. Throw it in a pile. If you Google Lindy England

is a picture of her pointing at some Afghani's naked dick. Yes, that is Lindy England. I think it's on YouPorn as well. You don't have to just go to Google.

Everybody hates you. We get it. Quit rubbing it in. But go on. What I was going to say was if you're cool, then you'll just cuff-key it and walk out and you have to deal with the mess. If they're not cool, then they get written up, right?

That doesn't mean shit, really. I'll like see i'm an i'll agree that i'm an asshole but there were bigger assholes than i was see there were assholes guards that they would find when they would find these uh trash bags full of water they would take we're talking like 15 gallons of water 12 to 15 and if they're on the top tier it's not a small amount of water if you're if they're working out with big weights, you fill the garbage bag up as much as you can with water,

tie it off the best you can, throw it in a pillowcase, tie the corners together, take a couple of toilet paper rolls and some rolled up magazines or whatever, put it through

the toilet paper rolls and put the tied up corners around it. So you could use that as like a dumbbell or a barbell or whatever. And that's a lot of water. Some dudes fill it

like, you know, 13, 15 gallons of water. A gallon is eight pounds. Yeah. Yeah. But what I'm getting at, there are more asshole Vagards than I am. When they would find these bags full of water, if they're on the top tier, for example, usually most pods have a two-tier system. If they're on the top tier, take them to the second tier, throw them off the second tier onto the day room. Yeah, like a grenade.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that. I wasn't that big of an asshole. It just made noise and annoyed us more than anything. I only shot you in the leg. I'm not an asshole. But going back to... There's so much bigger psychopaths than me that have murdered multiple people.

I only want to murder multiple people. I know. She's just on that side of the law where she can just be an asshole. I got caught up in a three-hour bad cop YouTube runner the other night. I'm just watching bad cops. For example... I know all these for example my dad was a prison guard

for several years with the last name Shank that was a fucking awkward situation but he told me a lot of these same stories but he said most of these guys are in here for doing the same shit I did they're just dumb and didn't get away with it.

So I have to mainly put up with people who are fucking assholes who fuck with them when I really relate to them more than I relate to the fucking douchebags guarding them. Well, and if you're running a gambling game, it all depends on what officer was working that night. That's separate too. But what I wanted to say, if you go back to the hooch, for example, we know how to find hooch, okay?

Gambling, I got it. We're going back. With the hooch, okay, everyone knew where the cameras were, whether you're inmate, whether you're officer, okay? So for example, because I wasn't that big of a dick, when I would find hooch, me and my partner would go back

where there were no cameras and we'd pull the inmate along. Hey, we'd make a deal with them. Hey, do you want the write-up, or do you want to chug this entire bottle of hooch? And so we would make him, usually I don't want the write-up. If you don't filter it, it is fucking nasty. At least with like a shirt or something. It will F you up.

It is fucking gross. It's just rotten pulp. So we would pull him up behind the cameras. Okay, you want to chug it? Let's go. And so you go behind the cameras and just chug this whole bottle of prison hooch, prison aka booze,

and feel sick as hell. All right, well, you're going to sit on your bunk and you're going to deal with the aftermath. It is a nice drunk, though. I'm not going to lie. I wouldn't write him up. It's not a bad drunk. I have to point out what everyone's thinking

is this is when your dad caught you smoking cigarettes and goes, you're going to smoke a whole pack of cigars until you puke. Except for this is full of rotten fucking fruit. It's not worth my time to write you up. That's more work for me. Isn't it easier to just pretend you didn't see that because it's a douchebag move to react one way or the other? Most guards are smart enough to not see that. I got an eight to

ten hour shift to fill. You're gonna drink this. I need the humor. What did you do in Sally Ports? That's all I want to know. Sally Ports it's just like a group of doors. So like they lock the door behind you before they open the door in front of you.

Alright. So I don't know what she does. When she gets dudes alone in these satellite ports, I wonder. There's not usually any windows. Well, if you're cool. I think on the last Prisoner vs. Prison Guard podcast, we asked her, you never fucked an inmate? It was never worth it. It was never worth getting caught.

Do you ever stop an elevator and fuck a dude up in front of like eight people? Because I've seen that more than once. Did you ever get turned down? Hey, I'm a lady. I'm a lady. What do you think? Anyone? Anyone? No? No? Alright, fuck you. Drink that

bag of fucking piss wine. There's no cameras. There's no cameras. There's no cameras here. She's spreading her holes. There's no camera here. No camera up front either. Anyone? Anyone? Drink it or plink it. Anyway.

I come up with a rhyme. Short notice. So we talked about FIFIs which is the male version of it's a fleshlight for the prison we talked about it but there is a female version okay the later half of my career with

MCSO Maricopa County I was with the females which incredibly nasty people which drove me out of the prison system. The females will make their own version of that. Okay. How big is it? Well, first of all, if you're allowed to, this is the easy way. If you're allowed to order pickles out of the commissary,

you're going to jerk off. You're going to get off to the pickle, and it's like these super pickles. They come in a fucking pouch. Super pickles. They're pickles pickles in a pouch if you've ever bought a pickle in a pouch i like the spicy ones they're probably not popular with the women's population though however there is a more creative way you can mold your own dildo okay you take a bunch of soaps which soap is unlimited in the in the jail or prison system And it's like that scene out of Ghosts Where you're just molding your own cock

Cock out of soap And you take a plastic bag And you stuff it full of as many soaps as you want You can mold as big of a beast as you want Hang on, hang on How many soaps are you? Just to give us a Yeah

Are we talking the hotel soaps? The indigent soaps or what? Hotel soaps are you? Just to give us a... Are we talking the hotel soaps? The indigent soaps or what? Hotel soaps or dove bars? What are we talking about here? Irish spring! That's for later. I assume that's multiple function those dildos.

You gotta have girth on that. You gotta have girth for me. But anyways, going back to... Coke can? Yeah. Tuna can? It's not as sexy as the ghost movie, but they mold.

They'll get the soap wet, and they can mold this BC girthy colossus of a cock, this dildo, out of soap. And so they'll get a bunch of soaps, mold this cock out of it. That's way easier than stealing a latex glove and buying lotion. Stealing somebody else's hand towel.

It's fucking ridiculous. Until you find one on a cell search and you're like, good God, lady, high five. Did she at least put the veins in it? When you say high five, are you meaning fisting? Not always. Oh, that's a high five knuckle up if you're a cool guard you wash their back with it before you throw it away smack them across the face with it wow if i could meet a girl that washed her pussy

let it harden into this beastie goliath and then late at night when it was lights out and they just go to town on themselves that was oh see i would you watch that like you watch the mad gunners so you'd watch the weirdos that would jerk off to every little thing but you wouldn't watch the chicks strictly dickly i wasn't into that but see here's the weird thing the female jail when they were openly queer they were openly gay they were more than welcome hey this is my girlfriend

we're getting off on this soap pussy is harder to make yeah all those folds and labias and weird parts see the guys were always harder to convince that they're fucking a dude on the side the ladies no

they were out in the open hey I'm fucking this lady and they would even go to go as far as to stop shaving their legs to where they're doing it at night they feel like a guy their legs were hairy and all that to kind of get off in their mind that hey this is a guy i'm screwing with probably just laziness yeah yeah with hard soap yeah yeah hard. Nobody wants to dry shave. If they were fantasizing about me, they would be leaving that soap dildo in a hot sun until it starts to collapse like hot wax.

Oh, Stan Hope. Trying to mush it in. Yeah. Oh, Stan Hope, you tried your best. All right, let's take a quick break and back after this. Hey, my new special, Doug Stanhope, No Place Like Home, filmed right here in Bisbee, Arizona, is now available on CISO. S-E-E-S-O dot com.

Go to CISO.com. It's a live streaming thing like all those other fucking things. But this one, you get a free trial. I know it lasts longer than an hour, and that's along my specialists. So go to CISO.com. And, yeah, so how about that? This special is free, motherfucker. Big Jay Oakerson's on the label harman quest rooftop

comics there's a bunch of shit it's all comedy so uh yeah check it out get the free trial watch doug stanhope no place like home and spread the word about me and cso and that free part yoink wink hey we're back gambling You cut him off a while ago. Your gambling ring. You ran a gambling ring or something? Well, it depends on who was working that night. So depending on if the guy that was working or the chick that was working was an asshole or not, you could run a pretty decent night of poker or whatever, spades,

and they wouldn't come and take your pot. But if the guard was a fucking piece of shit, or they didn't... He points to prison guard. God damn! If they were a piece of shit, or they didn't like the person that happened to be running that table's game,

they would come and take the pillowcase or whatever, which was everybody's buy-in for the night or for, you know, that hand. Wait, hang on. It would definitely ruin people's fucking nights if you take the fucking pot. Wait, what's the buy-in? What's in the pillowcase? night or for you know that hand wait hang on it would definitely ruin people's fucking nights if you take the fucking pot wait what's the buy-in what's in the pillowcase because you don't have cash whatever it's whatever it brings to the table so you can it's what you get a sheet like

a scantron sheet to fill out for commissary and it all has dollar values on it so i see your ramen noodles any up is any is 55 cents or, which happens to be what a ramen is. Worth of Pop-Tarts and ramen. A ramen or a half of a self-stamp envelope or something like that. People would literally come in with whatever the fuck they had to try to get something to eat. Some people would have some non-perishable,

non-fucking-edible shit, so they would try to gamble that at least to get something edible. I see your ramen noodles and raise you a can of Vienna sausages. And some of the cool people, if you want a bunch of hands, you would end up making a goulash.

Oh, you're breaking shit. Getting out of hand with your fisting. Fisting hard. Fisting hard. I fist pumped fucking Chad Shanks come back

there's some shady guys that wouldn't let you look at their deck in prison yeah who would have thought and they'd be running these fucking poker tables

you'd watch these guys play every night and you're like why the fuck are people playing poker with that guy he's obviously cheating every single time

oh please dear Hollywood this is a pitch prison poker with the He's obviously cheating every single time. Oh, please. Dear Hollywood, this is a pitch. Prison poker with the... Oh, and prison spades. With the minicam. Holy shit, the slapping you would hear. Throwing bones if they had dominoes.

Oh, dominoes. I love them. That's when poker got famous is when they put the minicam so everyone could see. Everyone... when poker got famous is when they put the minicam so everyone can see. The World Series of Poker got famous when they installed the minicam so everyone

can watch who has what for hand and then they put up the percentages. Oh, ramen has an 18% chance against Vienna sausage. Yes. So, all right, I'm pitching that to Hollywood.

I think that's, if we say it on a podcast, it's the same as trademarking. All right, go ahead. So now you have three bars of Irish Spring playing against a lesbian. Well, you wouldn't just have that. You'd have a whole table's worth of people's buy-ins.

So it wouldn't just be the Annie's or whatever. So everybody would buy in with a certain amount. Maybe it was $3. Maybe it was $1.10, depending on the night, depending if it was close

to commissary or way, way, way far after. You just got your last shit. So you'd change different prices, different stuff, but sometimes a guard would come in out of nowhere. The pot would be huge. So we're talking like a pillowcase stuffed to where you can't even close it,

like better than Halloween, filled with all the best shit people have been gambling for six or seven hours with, and she'd come in and fucking just take the pillowcase. That just fucking destroys your night. You could buy back in, but who the fuck wants to play? Like, that's fucked up. If you had a cool guard like me, I was still one of the cool guards. There were more of asshole guards than I was, okay?

We would let them... You can keep your pillowcase, or I'm going to put this soap dick in your butt. You pick. Spit on it. There was a common game called horse racing You pick. Spit on it. There was a common game called horse racing, okay? Horse racing, gambling maricopas, when you had the four

suits of cards, you got your whatever, hard spades, diamonds, whatever. Clubs. Yes. Boom. They would mark off with soap. Soap would you mark off on the day room table? I don't let them gamble. I wouldn't give a shit. Okay, so you mark him off and you throw cards down. Each

suit, you had four players. And so each card that was thrown, you had a player that was clubs, a player that was hearts and so forth. That player would move forth. And I forget how many squares there were. But at the end, you would win whenever they all gambled. We would let them gamble. But at the end,

as soon as the next week came, the next week came and they owed money, they'd always try, you gotta move me, I owe money. No, screw you. You're gonna get your ass beat. We would let them stay in there. People would ask to borrow shit because they knew they were about to be rolled up and moved. Let her finish.

Let her finish. They'd ask the guard to move, or they knew they were leaving that day or the next day so they would start asking everybody for shit. Hey, let me call somebody on your dime, on your calling card.

Yeah, but see, the thing is... Give me a fucking ramen or give me some of this or give me some shampoo knowing they're leaving in like the next half a day or whatever.

But you don't stab those guys? I don't understand prison at all. They leave right away so hopefully you see them and you can get them but sometimes they fucking get moved away from you. If leave right away, so hopefully you see them and you can get them, but sometimes they fucking get moved away from you. If you were a cool guard,

you'd let them gamble. They're going to gamble, okay? They know the system more than you do. We're happy. We're quiet. They're in there 24-7, okay? But the day when commissary came where you had to pay up your debts

if you were in the hole, if you're going to be a little bitch and had to roll up because you didn't have the money, honey buns or whatever, to pay up, no, fuck you. You're going to stay in there and you're going to be a little bitch and had to roll up because you didn't have the money, honey buns or whatever, to pay up, no, fuck you. You're going to stay in there and you're going to fall down in the shower. Oh, they fall down fucking hard.

Have you ever done methamphetamine? Never. Never. You know why? Because it's hard enough for you to sleep at night, prison guard. Not really. Really? We'll make it that way.

I think she gets off on that shit. The list. Oh, shit. I don't have my reading glasses. All I see is who rapes whom. Thank you, nice lady. Oh, Jenny. Who steps in but Jenny?

Prison hooch? Worked up in jail? Gambling? Workout? Water workout? Okay, who rapes whom? I don't know what that means. Erickson wrote that.

Oh. Who rapes whom? Who rapes whom? You know the prison prostitutes, if you wanted to go that route. Yeah. The effeminate males in the prison jail. They were the prostitutes. The AKA

name for them was Cheetos. Because what they would do in order to make themselves more effeminate is they'd buy a thing of Cheetos in the prison store, the commissary. Crush up the Cheetos and they'd put it in their hair and make themselves look more like a chick. I would crush it up and put it in my ramen. That was a great cheese sauce.

I'd crush it up and put it in my asshole's salad. I didn't put it in my hair, but it was fucking fantastic with some ramen. They were the prison prostitutes and they would sell themselves in the shower because they knew we weren't going to check the shower that much because as you're doing your security check, you're not going to be staring at them in the shower. So that's where all the business got done. They would do their business in the shower.

That was the prostitutes. Have you ever had cum thrown in your face? Not willingly, no. Not willingly, but yes. I'm just saying, the night isn't over. And there's a long walk from here to the fence. Code brown. Would it be white?

I would hate to see brown cum. I smoke a lot. It's at least yellowed. Deep yellow. All right. I feel like we're in prison. If you hand it to me, I'll throw it at her. I love you, Chad.

No. That might be part two, but I'm sure there's a part three coming. I hope not. You got anything else? Not that I want to talk about on record. You're not on record. You're just prisoner.

Then we can talk about this time that this guy that I got sent with in Central, which is where you get sent if you're awaiting trial or if you have a bail that you haven't been able to make or if they give you no bail. They pretty much make you hang out in Central Booking area.

It's a slightly nicer version of the jail that you get to hang out with in if you get to stay longer. But this one time this guy brought in, I'd say maybe six or seven balloons of heroin and he was my cellmate and one of his balloons leaked. So he had a bunch of shit

in it. There's a bunch of dudes that were fucking It didn't leak out, it leaked in. There's a bunch of dudes that were heroin addicts and they were fucking, they would take just about anything. So he's like, hey, you could have this if you want. And this little Mexican dude's like, alright, hey, put your arm

up, I'm gonna bust out a few lines. So I put my arm up so the fucking one guard couldn't see me. And he busts out a fat ass line. He fucking snorts it about halfway. And he goes, oh, shit. And just fucking pukes everywhere. And just, oh. And he's like, oh, my God, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

And he fucking runs into a cell and shit. And we're all laughing at him and the next day he's like hey can i get another one of those and we're like what the fuck so my cellmate fucking gave him another little fucking fucking bump and he instead of fucking blowing it down his nose he just mixed it with some water and drank and he goes oh that was the grossest thing i ever fucking ate in my life i was like damn i'm glad i'm not fucking jonesing that bad for anything. That's fucked up. You snorted it, puked,

then the next day you're like, hey, can I get another one, bro? You would drink it. Yeah, exactly. He fucking learned he drank it. You would think that people would jump in to snort to puke. No. You were trying to give that to anybody and that was the only dude that would do a line of it.

It was hilarious. There's like a prison caste system. There's people lower class than that. This guy will snort shit. He's Mikey. He'll snort anything. Dated reference. Should we talk about the fights and the riots? Like the three Ts?

That telephones, TVs, and trays? The three most common things you'll get in a fight over. On my side, there were psychos. There were officers that just looked forward to it every day. They had a, it looked like a paintball gun, but it shot like a paintball. Pepper spray. Yes, and what it is,

it's a little pepper ball round full of pepper spray, but in powder form. And you would freeze them because we would find them, and they'd be cold. But there were guys, there were guys on my side that would purposely aim for the dick or the ass. Yeah, and you would freeze them for God knows how long before they

I never saw that. The casings you don't pick up and they're fucking cold and have fucking condensation on them. Whenever there was a fight and we had the chance to get to the pepper ball round, it was always a chance who's going to grab the pepper gun because you go in there, the day room slider open, and it was free game.

If there was a riot or multiple fights, you'd go on, you'd just aim that pepper ball gun, and you'd aim it at ass and dicks. And they hit them with one. They hit them with like four to eight. It wasn't just one. They'd be like, oh, I sighted them in. The only time she sounded

like a woman is when she giggled about her firing frozen pepper balls at a guy's asshole. I never got the chance. And she finally sounds like a woman. Oh, she didn't get to the gun fast enough. Never was the first one to the gun, no. She's doing the Mikado. But the worst is the pepper spray.

I don't know who here has the pepper spray. I don't know if you've ever... Who here has been pepper sprayed? It's like a small can of... Like a fire extinguisher cut in half. We call them... CB4, whatever the fuck it is. Mega Devastators. If you can imagine a fire extinguisher size thing of pepper spray,

you go in there and you just hose an entire pod down in pepper spray. And they would. Like they were a fucking sprinkler. Like, come back for a second fucking round. It is the most inhumane pain in the freaking world to have pepper spray in your face. And then about six dudes with shtuk. She's just confused. Then six dudes with shtuk.

Humane with inhumane. Inhumane, yes. Do you have any remorse at all? Because you don't seem to. Four dudes with masks. It depends. Come tack you with shields, hold you to the ground so they can handcuff you. That's fucked up.

If the day room was full of chomos or assholes that definitely needed it, fuck them. If you were full of, yes, chomos, going back to child molesters. Fuck. If you were full of a, yes, Chomo's going back to child molesters. Child molesters. Yeah, if you were a, do you have any remorse

for anything you've done? Because you celebrate this so much. They're fond memories. But the thing is, going. It's the only time that I feel like

less of a sociopath when I'm hanging out here in this podcast. And she's a professional. Still employed professionally. The biggest pussies in the jail system is the chomos. They would never, never pop off, and they would never have fights. They were the most compliant people. They didn't want their eyeballs fucking ripped out of their skull.

The people that would have fights are your minimum security people. Not your maximum. People would think, oh, your max people. It's what we call jits. Like, fucking 17 to 19 year olds got in the most fights. Yeah, people think, oh, your maximum security people, which is the top of the top. No. They're the most...

They just bragged about how cool prison was and they wanted to leave county and go to prison. Oh, fucking yeah. They're like old comedy headliners who quit drinking 20 years ago but still brag about how much they could drink better than you. Oh yeah, the whole

time they're awaiting trial. They're like, I shot before my first show and then I do three shows on a Saturday. The Maxes, like the cop killers, the people that were in there for murder, the most coolest. Never had a problem with them, ironically. Okay? The people... I wonder if

that was because they were worried that the cool guards would throw them out in general population if they fucked up a little bit. The people on my side... Would have gave us something to do, at least. The people you had trouble with... Wait, wait, wait. So, you're saying

in this climate that cop killers are the coolest prisoners. I never had problems with them. As a prison guard, you're saying that people that kill cops, you get... You give the most respect to

people that kill cops. And chomos. You're so lucky we're not using your name. I almost got my partner killed one time. I was maximum security. You have partners? Yeah, we have partners. Maximum security.

You have partners, okay? So your partner's doing your security walk, and if it's the maxes, usually it's one person out at a time, okay? I clicked the wrong button, and this lady, she was in there for murdering a snitch, okay? Saw who the guard was. Probably deserved it. Saw who the guard was, closed her door, and when I went by, I said, Hey, thank you for closing your door.

No problem, but if it was your other partner, I would have fucking murdered her. Yeah, so, yeah, you don't mess with the Max. It's all based on respect. But the Max has never had a problem with them. The people you have a problem with are the minimum security people because they're trying to build a name for themselves. So they want the opportunity. I have so many problems with you.

While still being vaguely sexually attracted. I think it's only because you know you cannot choke her out. I might be into that. That's why I think I already know the whole deal. You're an unbelievably horrible human being that I love.

The sad thing is that I'm the bottom. Here's the thing. There were guards in there. You're a bottom, huh? There were guards in there that would chew tobacco and they would, as their security walk, go in there and you have a water fountain that they made to use. They chew tobacco, spit their tobacco in there

for no reason other than... Not in there. Onto the fucking mouthpiece that the water comes out of. Yes! I would never... Not into the fucking water fountain. I would never. Yeah, not into the fucking water fountain all fucking like a normal human. I would never do that. No, I'm the fucking thing. And the sad thing,

as much as a dick as I sound like, there were people worse than fucking me in there that would get off on that. That doesn't make you good. Yeah. To quote my old bit, America's the greatest country in the world, but that's like being the prettiest Denny's waitress was an old bit I used to do.

Yeah, there are people worse than you. That doesn't make you good. I would let them drink their hooch. You got hooch? Come here. All at once. Yes. Slap their bed mat against the wall and ignore you all night long.

If you had a buildup of pre-hooch materials, you had bread, you had oranges, okay, here's the deal. You're out of the range of the cameras. Here's the deal. You have one minute. If you want to eat as much of this as you want, the bread, of the meat, whatever. Then eat my ass, she would say.

And then DIU still shows up and asks a bunch of motherfucking dumb questions. That's some fucked up shit. Or you could take the write-up. What do you want? I'm gonna fucking eat it. So they pull him into the mob closet. That's some fucked up shit. Or you could take the write-up. What do you want? I'm going to fucking eat it. So they pull them into the mob closet. All right, go to town.

And they'd eat as much as the bread and the meat as they want because they wouldn't go to waste. There you go. I used to do bits about if you wanted. The same as the Israeli army. You have to do two years of mandatory service. As soon as you have to do, and that's what the killer termites should do.

You know what? You don't know what you want to be when you grow up. So get involved in the system. Get her job. Take a cop's job and be a cancer to the system. That's true. She probably did that same kind of thing and was

queered into, I'm gonna be the worst person involved and brag about it later on a podcast. See, the thing is, what got me out was the fact that they transferred me to the female jail, which is hell on freaking

earth. Female inmates are the most revolting people on fucking earth. I thought we were equal. They take their... Oh, hell fucking no. Guys are so much easier. The females would take their used pads, their bloodied used pads, huck them in

the middle of the hallway. There was no disregard for sanity, health, or anything. Sanitation? Yeah, sanitation. the middle of the hallway. There was no disregard for sanity or health or anything. Sanitation? Yeah, sanitation. They're disgusting. Half of them were pregnant and it was disgusting. They're having jail babies in there.

Have you ever held a jail baby? Fuck no. Have you ever smothered a jail baby in a garbage bag? I'd be tempted. And snuck it out? No burping this one. Put some apples in here.

Shug it. You got 60 seconds. All right. We're going to close this up before it goes sideways. This is part two of prison guard versus prisoner and you know what fuck it I have promoted Nathaniel

Rateliff so much that I know we don't have the the propertude rights or whatever the fuck son of a bitch we're gonna play son of a bitch to close this out by Nathaniel Rateliff

and the Night Sweats but watch the video pause this put on that video because it's a prison video and watch that fuck it if this gets taken down because of some shit and watch that. Fuck it. If this gets taken down because of some shit,

well, kill a termite will find Nathaniel Rateliff's lawyers. Son of a bitch! Get me a drink! I'm gonna need someone to help me. I'm gonna need

somebody's help. I'm gonna need need. Somebody. I'm on a need. Someone to hold me down. I'm on a need. Someone to care. I'm on a ride. And shake my body. I start.

Now my head. I'm on a call. Myself. with the ashes of you. And nobody's going to give a damn. Son of a bitch, give me a drink. One of a night, I just can't believe me. Son of a bitch, if I drink it clean, clean I'm gonna drink my life away Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh Now for 17 years I've been throwing them back 17 more they'll bury me And somebody please just tie me down Ask somebody to give me a goddamn drink Son of a bitch give me a goddamn drink. Son of a bitch! Give me a drink! One more night! This can't fit me!

Son of a bitch! If I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, yeah My heart is breaking Hands are shaking Bugs are crawling all over me. My heart is breaking, hands are shaking, buds are crawling all over me.

My heart is breaking, hands are shaking, buds are crawling all over me. My hands are shaking, lots of crawling all over me. My hands are shaking, my hands are shaking, lots of crawling all over me. Son of a bitch, give me a drink.

One more night, you can't fit me. Son of a bitch, if I can't get clean, I'm gonna drink my life away Son of a bitch Give me a drink Son of a bitch This can't fit me

Son of a bitch If I can't get clean I'm gonna drink my life away Yeah Oh Oh Oh Oh

Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, You guys are fucking fantastic. This is great. Done? Yeah, we're fucking fantastic. This is great. Done?

Yeah, we're fucking done.