The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #169: Doug & Chad talk new special premier and the UnBookables

Episode Date: September 27, 2016

Doug and Chad talk about the LA premiere of Doug's new special, "No Place Like Home". Travis Carl sits quietly most of the time. More UnBookables Movie talk.Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded Sept. 23, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Travis Carl (@TravisSCarl), Jet Lacey (@JetLacey), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Stanhope Sept-Oct 2016 Tour Dates with Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka - http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Only One Drinking Tonight", by Mishka Shubaly. From the CD "How To Make A Bad Situation Worse". Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, can we get some room tone with the Friday night lights in the background? We're two blocks away from the stadium where the Bisbee Copper Kings, a.k.a. Killer Termites, play, whatever baseball field that is, is also where the Bisbee Pumas play their Friday night football games. And so sometimes you sit in here and in a quiet moment you hear fireworks and uh cheers i was i was at the urinal earlier and i noticed that the mountains were very lit up and i didn't know what that was from but i guess ambient light yeah yeah we always wanted to climb that hill which is a motherfucker on that that weird new year's morning when you're gonna get in shape

for real this time and you try to hike that fucking hill, but to watch the game from up there when it's lit up really would be so incredible. Yeah. Yeah. No, take a look out there. I told you just,

if you want to talk, you got to get on a mic. Oh, see, you never know. No, you can say that on a mic, but it would be great to walk up there, but never know. No, you can say that on a mic.

But it would be great to walk up there, but walking down shit-faced, because it's all like slidey gravel. Someone's going down. And they're going to kill the lights from the football field that light up that giant fucking mountain. That big Frankenstein switch that just... And then everything is. Yeah. I'm sure we've told the story a billion times.

I've never heard. Still not. Our gay cousin, Eric, we're doing mushrooms and we say that hill right behind the house here. If you have the energy to climb up that fucking hill, it's about a 25 minute walk. If you're a smoker,

you have to stop a billion times but to watch the sun rise and we did mushrooms all night and he gets to the top of the hill the other side is nothing but a few miles to mexico well he gets up to the top at dawn not even dawn the sun's not breaking it's just just light enough that a helicopter comes up over the other side of the hill and puts a spotlight on him and he's 20 years old tripping his balls off on mushrooms with a long sliding way to run down that was a fucking good night or two nights. Anyway. So, yeah, we started this podcast. I'm here with Chad Shank and Greg Chaley and Tracy's bartending and Jet Lacey's here and back to our mic. And we have a kid.

He's a young comic kid. He's as his uncle is friends with Gretchen. His uncle is friends with Gretchen, so he's the new – he's some kind of, let's say, public official in town, took a job here. So the kid's in town from Virginia. He's a comic, and Gretchen says, oh, he really wants to meet you, and he came over last night. He was actually at a gig last time I played Virginia Beach. Nice kid. We're waiting for him to come back with weed.

I'm waiting for him to come back with weed. I'm waiting for him to come back with weed. Oh, I can't wait for that weed. My weed. Other people brought some adrenaline pills. I didn't take one. Saving those for the road. Coming out on the road, motherfuckers. Well, you didn't eat one.

You just made me eat one. I ate the other one. I ate a fucking adderall jack uh uh what would you call that riddling no no a downgrade yes a downgrade is what i was looking for adderall adderall jack had adderall like one or two times and now he's riddling jack xanax jack off-brand muscle relaxer jack nothing this time jack yeah i'm gonna drive all the way it was viagra jack i didn't remember that there's i found i have to look it up there's uh what looks like a four pack of viagra but viagras are uh do you know what it is i found it today found it today, and I'm like,

hey, it was on the coffee table. There's one missing. I found it on the floor. Yeah, that's the one you gave to me. You tried to give me the whole blister pack, and I fucking popped one out and gave it back to you. Oh, good. I was gonna call Bingo and go, did I fuck you or something? Because there's one missing. Well, I was trying to make it less awkward

because I was trying to leave with my wife and my son, and you were trying to hand me a pack of Viagra, so I was trying to make it look like I didn't need a whole— Two for each. Two for the wife, two for the son. I was trying to make it look like to my son that I didn't need a whole pack of Viagra to hump his mom. Yeah, you don't want to be a puss. Yeah. To be honest here, Mexican Viagra.

Mexican Viagra. No, these ones aren't. No, the ones we looked up were Mexican. They were in the package. It doesn't matter. The point is, this is the second time, if you remember, that Chad Shank has cleared up a missing Viagra problem. I'm like, I ate two Viagra.

And you're like, no, you're trying to give it to me or Andy. I remember that one, too. Yeah, it was another time I was clueless. That time you were trying to fuck somebody and I took it so you wouldn't, I think is what happened. To be fair, I have always remembered any time a man has handed me Viagra. That's zero.

Well, you know what? Live a little. Oh, you know what? I lied. You gave me Mexican Viagra once. I still have the pack. Listen, we've all had nights where we... That's the one that Sandholm gives to everybody.

It's like a party favor around here. It's a parting gift. Yeah. Thanks for coming. Thanks for coming. I hope you get a boner. Take these with some heartburn medication. That's how little fucking goes on.

That's what a sausage party we have generally is that dude i don't know two years ago that gave me and that's why i call them mexican viagra because it was a some squat kid again my knock need shy fan that after a show goes i i got you Mexican Viagra. And I go, well, thanks. And we packed them away. And then I still have them two years later. So do I. I might have your original.

Well, there was a bunch. He gave us a bunch. Anyway, welcome back. Travis from Virginia is here. Come sit over here, Travis. we didn't know you had to go somewhere to get weed we thought you were going i did we wanted to talk about you bring it up and not deliver after the fact well good yeah show me your show me your open mic skills by being on the mic when you talk did you hear his booming voice he hasn't said shit for three hours

i also brought a candy bar if anybody wants to eat it. You should still eat the mic. But I'm saying, for a guy who didn't say three whispering sentences for nine innings of boring baseball, all of a sudden he comes in charged, full of Mexican Viagra. 17 callbacks we'll have. All right. So we were away bingo and i went to the la premiere which i really thought i was getting out of they go oh it's gonna be at caa there's a whole bunch of politics that go behind

the whole cso premiere the whole new special no place like home available cso s-e-e-s-o see so promo code stanhope oh i didn't know i had a promo code they get you two months free all right yeah it's it's basically that's this is what initially disheartened me is when it came out i i read for one of the only times if i put it on facebook it goes to my twitter then i deal with twitter but if i need something hey i'm drunk and i lost my foot when i was sleeping on a train track i need a ride to the airport. Then I'll read the comments because I really need something. Someone, yeah. Yeah. But this time I actually read the comments,

and after, you know, 50, I was so disheartened because everyone was shitting on CISO. It's the new Netflix. It's a new streaming service. Yeah, you don't know how it works because it's your first time. I understand you bitching but generally i bitch and you tell me how to correct it it was all you guys bitching at me like i know how to fucking work it i did the thing i had to do the editing on the thing or give edit i watched it

i i'm not on cso i will be because they got good shit coming up. We'll get to that. I see Doug like, he's texting him back. Like, what platform are you on? Are you a PC guy or you're a Mac? Let's just start. Well, by the way, my name's Douglas. And you did the whole customer service thing?

Yeah, that's not. No, no, that didn't happen at all. It's an add-on if you have Amazon Prime, but if you want to get the two-month special, you have to go to the website. I'll be honest with you. It's better just to go through the website, but while we're talking right here,

let's see if we can clear up this problem right now. The biggest bitch was it's U.S. only, and I get all these people, oh, you don't fucking care about your U.K. fans, your European fans, you don't care about Canada. I'm like, you're the guys who are always telling me how to steal shit. I canceled Netflix out of spite.

And then Chaley put it on my TV on his account, so now his account always works. Mine never worked. And I canceled it. And all you motherfuckers came down on me on twitter about well you're gonna just use this stealing platform and pirate bay and vpns and bit torrent i'm like i don't want shit on a fucking laptop and now tables turned now all of a sudden i give you a free fucking special. Well, I have to put in my email address? Fuck you!

God damn it! That's like putting a chip in my brain. You're all turning into James Inman on me. So yeah, figure it out. And I told you, someone's going to figure out how to steal it for those other countries. Eventually someone's going to figure out how to steal it for those other countries. Eventually they're going to realize I've got a lot of emails that say, why don't you just

do like Louis CK and put it on your site with a PayPal button? I got messages specifically asking me why you didn't do that. What the fuck are you asking me for? I don't understand how Stan Hope does his business. Isn't it like an Amazon add-on? Like you can pay an extra on your Amazon account? It is connected to Amazon Prime, which if you don't have Amazon Prime,

that's more important than even Netflix. Amazon Prime is the shit. Streaming movies is just a perk from Amazon Prime. All the fucking peanuts and wasabi peas and shit and fucking mixers and all those snacks, this funhouse is half built on Amazon Prime. This podcast, every piece of equipment, save one or two things, was bought on Amazon.

You would have amazon prime without the video option you have to remember when someone says don't you have amazon prime you can watch caddy shack right now i fucking forget all the time so cso is attached to that i know that yes you gotta pay another 3.99 a month to add that but there is a free trial and i don't know how seven days the point is don't do it that way. You can get it for free without stealing it. Yes. I did that. Well, I'd rather just give you the money.

You're giving me nothing! It's free! I already got paid! Don't act like I gave this to them hoping that you'd like, wring your hands. I sure hope. Some ducats flow through this pipeline.

I'm sitting there with fucking... I don't know how it works. I'm with leg braces over at the fucking corner. Please, donate. I gave you a special change. Rattling a tin cup. Yeah, no, I get paid very well. And you know what?

CISO has great shit coming up. And I'm not... I went to this LA premiere, which I didn't want to go to, because they said it's at CAA, which is like the biggest agency in LA. There's two in LA, and that's one of them. Yeah, there's a lot of politics. Why?

Believe me, they weren't beaten down my door without another name attached. All right, can we just say that? I said that at, Brian and I had to go. When they said it's at CAA, you picture an agent. I pictured madmen with all the agents and their assistants that have to be there with a punch bowl with rum. You scoop and everyone says an obligatory nice thing after you watch it in some main dude's office.

No, they have a fucking... Where was it? I think they call it The Rock. It's Century City. This is enormous fucking building. You had to go up three stairs of glass in case to get to their full theater. 225-seat movie theater. So everyone was there.

Provenza was there, and Troy Conrad, and Jesse May Peluso, and then a million seats. I saw Burt was there, right? Burt Kreischer? Yeah. made Paloozo and then a million I saw Burt was there right Burt Kreischer yeah actually Bingo was

after the and I had to watch the thing if you've ever been to a premiere Brian and I opened it they have a little podium with two little twisty mics and I'm like this is stupid I'm sorry

I didn't know it was going to be like that and then Brian says big words like And I'm like, this is stupid. I'm sorry. I didn't know it was going to be like that. And then Brian says big words like perspicacity. Perspicacity. You got glasses. You know what that means. I have no idea. I think it means like gumption or something.

And we'd like to thank this and this. And I go, yeah, I didn't know it was going to be like this. It's fucking weird. I'm sorry. There's no booze. That was one of the things. No booze? Until afterwards and this was what CAA would not put out booze and

not snacks. People with trays that come around like in the movies. With little tiny pieces. Hortivores. Hortivores. Yeah. Slivers of special pizza that fucking Gordon Ramsay made. A flatbread, oyster-infused mozzarella swirl. But it was only beer and wine, except they told me,

don't worry, we got vodka for you well i'm like i have a fucking shopping bag with vodka and mixers i have a fucking your commuter cup your your commuter cup yeah i had a go infinite infinitum nile travel mug so we're at the podium to introduce the fucking thing and i said i'm sorry they wouldn't they were uh they said if they gave out booze and snacks beforehand people would leave yeah no smart it's smart it sounds like a great industry people that's what i was gonna say would they invite homeless people doug you would have left you would have had three vodka sodas, and then you would have fucking left. God, I need another drink. A younger me would have left.

An older me just brought my own fucking grocery bag full of fucking mini bottles and mixtures with a travel mug with the name of the production company on it. And I go, they said you leave. I don't know what kind of fucking scumbags you've invited to this, but i'll be drinking through it and then brian would have to make up

for the shitty things i say yeah and then i had to sit in the theater and watch the fucking thing because it was 10 months old at that point and i had you seen it before you you sat through the screening when brian did the edit and he did a great edit because if you were there for the live yeah i fucked up the biggest payoff of the biggest bit i fucking missed completely and had to stop realize and go all right we're only taping one show so i'm gonna have to do this again and're going to have to act like you never fucking heard it. That bears mentioning that when you do a show, you like to run through the entire show.

You run, like, start to finish, and if you have to make up something, you'll make up something, but on that rare occasion. Well, no, on that show, generally, at worst a comic will tape two live shows in case they fuck it up twice i've done it at least twice with i only did one show one was from across the street which was supposed to be titled i ain't never won nothing in my life turns out i forgot to do that entire bit and they didn't notice until two months of editing they go we can't find that which i put in another

special would uh the incentive based eugenics was the bit and i put it in a later bit uh but this one i noticed on the spot that i went oh i just fucked up but i i hadn't told the punch line so it wasn't that bad for the audience where they had to fake laughing at the punch line i've missed that but i i caught it but generally you do two shows and you have a chaley or a bingo or a hennigan taking notes because they i've run it through with them and they'll go oh you missed this you fucked up this let's just go back and the audience you know for just hey hang on we just got to do some touch-up shit just act like you're an audience we'll edit in the laughter but that time i caught myself and had to go back and do a strong chunk so i was afraid that if i didn't watch the show and what i would usually do is just sit outside and smoke cigarettes and go i

don't want to watch myself uh i was afraid that people would come out and go, that thing you did about such and that and widgets was hilarious. And I'd go, what was it again? It's been 10 months since I did that fucking special. You knew you were going to have to talk. I watched the special and you know what? I fucking liked it. And I laughed three times at myself. So yeah, I really,

and it was weird to watch yourself in a theater with people. The Bisbee audience and granted, almost none of them were from Bisbee, but the live audience was way stronger than the audience I was sitting in. Those are all suits. And I had to stop myself from heckling. These people are better than you. I think I heckled one time at myself, but I curbed myself. But I really had a fucking fun time. Kelly Carlin was there.

And I kept. Wait, you got her book, right? I don't think I ever bitched on the podcast. I did that podcast. You were there. Chad Shank, you were there for that podcast. And I go, why? She never put that out.

And I go, I thought that was really good, and maybe I said something offensive. It wasn't a podcast. That's what she told me. It was serious radio. She explained that to us that day, you drunk bastard. Now, I guess I should start writing shit down when I'm hanging out with Stan, hoping you're not there.

Yeah, you should. Why write it down? Just make it up next time you see me and say I said it. I have to believe you. Her book was on your list to read while you were recouping. I have a stack in there. I only read one the entire recoup. I had all these plans because I had to do seven days, eight days.

I didn't smoke and didn't get drunk. I drank one or two drinks tops a night. And then I go, going in and coming out of surgery, I'm going to read a bunch. I'm just going to sit. I read Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain. It is great. It's the only one I fucking get through.

Great one. Yeah. Well, nothing's an only one I fucking get through. Great one. Yeah. Well, nothing's an easy read for me, Jed. Anything you read, if it's good, it makes you think of other shit. You haven't read Norm MacDonald's then? You said you hadn't. Just got it.

Just got it. I just got the audio book today. I haven't started it yet. We both heard him on Stern. It was like a two-hour interview. He's always, you're not old enough to remember, listeners, but what Charles Grodin was on Letterman, Norm MacDonald is on Stern.

It's just the best guest ever. Sounds like he's goofing on him. You can't tell if he's serious. You know, I saw Norm MacDonald in the early 90s. guest ever sounds like he's goofing on him you can't tell if he's serious yeah you know i saw norm mcdonald in the the early 90s i went to the uh was living in alaska playing in the band and a girl in alaska uh last name osi she she was done in la and i was going to be in LA at the same time. And she goes, hey, let's get together. I've got dinner reservations at the Magic Castle. I go, fuck, the Magic Castle?

Her great-grandfather or grandfather or something is the only reason the Magic Castle is around today. He's like, the name OC is is known he was the caretaker for that place when they ran into some hard times he was the scatman crothers of the magic castle shining exactly so we we go there and the the first thing you do is you you enter and then uh you go into the showroom and norm mcdonald performed in the main room. He's wearing a red suit. It's fucking crazy. And I'm like, who the fuck is this guy?

But I mean, that was before I started doing comedy with like Book and Comics up in Anchorage and stuff like that. It was really interesting. And after the show, you're allowed to walk through the castle. And they've got little like up close magic. And they're like, wherever you go. I've never heard of this. It's a magic castle. Castle is a fraternal organization. I thought you said the magic asshole.

Let me put it in... Magic asshole? That's a totally different place. That's an entirely different establishment. Let me put it in terms that you'd understand if you lived around here. You know the thing? For 500 miles, it says the magic castle. Have you seen the thing? For 500 miles, it says the magic castle.

Have you seen the thing? Yeah, it's where magicians hang out. Comedy and magic. Remember when your gay bar experience, you would be way less comfortable at a magician's establishment than the fucking creepiest fisting gay bar ever. Seems logical. Probably. Yeah, it's probably.

Yeah. Although every up close magic guy that we went to, like when they found out that this was OC's great granddaughter or something was like, like made a point to get aside. Like they, I'm like, I don't think she knew how fucking important her relative was to this whole fucking thing. It was pretty good. But Norm Macdonald, I don't remember anything about that performance, but he really stuck out going on stage with a flame red suit.

It was fucking crazy. He's such a goof. And you know what? I still, he fucked with me on Twitter and I it still bothers me today. And when I listen to the Stern interview, it made me at one point he made some comment about Junior Stopka, who's on the new tour. We'll talk about the tour coming up. He was on Last Comic Standing and he tweeted, my only regret is I didn't pass Junior Stop going into the next round. Norm tweeted that.

And I guess we had some exchange, but he said something about, I'll never forget the night that I saw Doug Stanoop on TV, and it changed my career in one moment. I will tweet about it, and then it just left it hanging and after that stern interview I go, he probably just said that so I still wondered two years later.

It's a long con. Right now. It is a long con. Fuck you Norm MacDonald. I'm plugging your book. You don't favorite my plugs of your book. Well, I said immediately, because I know he's very religious. He had that whole thing on Stern where he goes, well, Kinison was brave because he talked to people that were couples.

They're all couples in a comedy club. And he'd go, don't get married. Look at this face. Saying there's no no god that's not brave he called out that one guy on last comic stand yes doing that joke about uh yeah about yeah some anti-bible shit yeah yeah so he's fucked up too i i uh henry rollins who i don't really like but he he did uh once say allow me my, and I will stay in your soul with the tenacity of a crab louse. And yeah, you know what?

Norm MacDonald's that funny. I don't give a shit if he believes in God. What's your beef with Henry Rollins? He's a fucking asshole without the panache of Chad Shank. So are you. Hold on, I have to look up panache. It's a place they do flat sandwiches. They steam them.

I've had those. Oh, that's a panini. No, I remember listening when the end of Napster and I was downloading everything and Henry Rollins had started doing spoken word. And he had this whole opening bit about, uh, Edie Burke,

hell and you too, and shitting on them. And I'm going to do it a disservice cause I don't know music, but saying you to use it, the same chord for every song or the same bass line or some shit. I don't know about music and how Edie Brickell's a piece of shit. GC&D is basically U2's bread and butter. And I love that fucking, what was her song?

Circle of Friends. I like that song. You know what? Fuck you. That's why I say I hate music, because I don't want you to know what I like. I'd rather you watch my history of U-p porn and the deviant shit i jerk off to on you porn than see the playlist on my ipod all right so i just say yes

then after his opening bit about this fucking music stuff no one cares about and it isn't funny it's just henry rollins henry rollins and uh then he goes into a bit about he was on an airplane and the uh the the pilot gets on and no one can understand a word he says one of the hackiest bits in comedy like you're trashing shitty music but you're you have the audacity to go out and try to do what you call spoken word because if you called it stand up comedy you'd be fucking assassinated

by us and then he's an angry fucking in your face dick I'll kick your ass kind of guy fuck you you stink he had a special on Comedy Central, didn't he? Of course. No, no, that was after. That was after what he's talking about.

I watched a special of his on Comedy Central. I'm assuming you're using that credit as a demerit to his career. He had a special on Comedy Central. So did Dimitri Martin. Sorry, that's the first reference I've come up with comics are so judgmental and mean

to other people who do comedy I didn't realize that it really makes me hopeful about hosting next week I'm torn right now between writing something down but if I set up what you're talking about I have to

you don't have to. You agreed to host. Well, yes. Well, hosting to me is I'm going to introduce people who are talented. I don't really view it as a lot of... On October 6th here in Bisbee of the year of our Lord 2016. At the Stock Exchange. At the Stock Exchange, Mishka Shibali and Christine Levine will be performing together. Our favorite musician on the podcast

and our favorite girl that blew me for a gig in Cleveland. That you didn't get. Fantastic comic, Christine Levine, that was on our last tour. Yeah, they're playing together, and Chad Shank will be introducing them, and he's going to try to write some shit to say. Maybe. Because I'm torn between

if I write some shit and then it goes like the open mic that I saw, then I'm going to feel horrible about it. But if I just don't write shit and it goes that way, then I expected it to go that way. If I just wing it and it sucks, then that's fine. But if I just wing it and it sucks, then that's fine.

But if I write something down and it sucks, that's even worse. No, no. That's why you say... You rehearsed this and it sucks that bad? I get it if you tried to make it up right now, but you fucking rehearsed that. That's why you do the Richard Lewis and go, I never write anything down.

It's just all off the top of my head. Are you going to prepare for it at all? At this point, I have zero plans. Stan Hope was supposed to help me, but he's leaving, so I'm sticking with zero plans at this point. I'll give you my whole set. That's my bread and butter.

Can you write a joke for Chad to tell? I'll tell you guys what I did do. I went back a long time back into my Twitter feed because that's the only time I ever... And when I think of something that I think is funny, then I send it on Twitter. And I guess that's why I don't have anything fucking funny to say.

I already said it. But I just found old stuff that I said that I thought was funny and I thought I might try to build something on that. So maybe you can help me later. You can also, you know Christine and Mishka enough that you can just host as a

roast. Oh, good idea. You can take points. And then roast the audience. Roast the gig. I'm still working on confidence as far as standing up in front of other people and then not wanting to murder them. Not holding another guy's throat?

Why is everyone looking at me? Yeah, fuck you. That was funny. It's not rational to be angry about that, but I can see myself being angry about it. But that's what you sell is ball busting. No, it's ball busting. So you roasting people with a smile, people expect that.

Okay, that's kind of the direction I was thinking. We'll talk about it before you leave. All right. When we're drunk later, and then you won't remember, but I'll write it down. Good. That's what Chaley does. I'm learning.

The most important thing to hosting is to remind the audience that they can win free tickets by texting this number. Do you have a number? VBFunny at 23... Perfect. 21 through... I don't know. You know what's so weird is when you do the podcast here, that is not back-of-the-room comedy. If you did any city that had a comedy club with comics that's back in the room funny and no one

here has any fucking idea what you're talking about we're like 200 miles from the closest real comedy club real comedy club uh so hang on jet lacy wants in jet you get a comment because i want to cut to i want to get to your viewing party while I was in LA being fucking Let's go to Jet. We'll get to that. I was going to talk about that. That's where we're going. I think you should go out as like the King

Kong in New York, like with chains and stuff, like ready to be angry, you know what I mean? And you're like, that's how you go out. Hey, Jet Lacey, everyone. Thanks for stepping up. Hey, it's great to hear your ideas. It's fantastic.

Hey, Tracy's going to get you a drink, and it's going to have a pacifier on it, so don't try to talk around the straw. Okay. We're going to get some room tone right now. Hold on. It's all right. Now I'm not the least funny person on this podcast.

It's all right. You just call your shots. You still got time. While I was in L.A. doing the thing at CAA, which I really did, I really appreciate CAA, CISO, Comedy Dynamics. They own the thing at caa which i really did i really appreciate caa see so uh comedy dynamics they own the thing they do have uh again this is just drunken industry talk but you motherfuckers who want to shit on see so and they're growing pains yeah they're gonna figure some shit out

they're trying to compete they're trying to get up there. But the rumor from drunken executives that were from these places, yeah, Nick DiPaolo, Joey Coco Diaz. I was going to tweet that today, but I texted

Joey. I go, is this announced because I just heard it from a drunk exec, a suit. Oh, I shit on the suits too. Scott said not to use his name. When I was at the podium introducing the thing, I'm sitting there with my travel mug of fucking vodka, and I go, oh, hey, thanks for all my friends.

If you see Fitzsimmons, I'm supposed to meet him here, but I can't find him. And if you're a suit that set this up and we had a bunch of meetings, I don't remember you. So afterwards, just tell me your name and tell me who you are, because I don't fucking remember you. Nice. Johnny Depp's production?

Yes. Infinitum, Niall, Christy Dombrowski. She's got a weird Polish name. I always call her Christy Depp. Anyway, Christy and Keenan and Sam Sarkar. All of you guys that put it together. But they got fucking Joey Coco Diaz coming out. Rumored by a drunken exec.

Nick DiPaolo. Yeah, I want to see your fucking tweets to Joey Coco Diaz going, fucking Chicho, I got to see your fucking tweets to Joey Coco Diaz going, fucking CISO, I'm going to put my email in there. No, you're going to go, oh, I'm going to sign up right away. I don't know why I fucking kowtow to you fucking cunts. Nice. Chad Shank.

Chad Shank's coming out on CISO eventually. I'm going to make sure that it happens. The first thing I noticed after I watched your special is there's uh like three monty python movies which is fucking completely worth the free trial for me i'll probably keep it going now those guys are gonna have specials three seats no not only that uh they've got monty python flying circus they got clips they have uh really good snl clips oh good. That means something to everyone else. Also, The Mighty Boosh, three seasons. You've never seen that?

It's English. Love it. And then Noel Fielding also had a two-season, some kind of show in the BBC that I don't even know about. I just found out about it last night, and that's all on CISO. All right. even know about i just found out about it last night and that's all on cso all right well they also if you guys you listeners would stop shitting on them because you're in fucking malaysia and you don't get it they will also pirate in malaysia yeah if if mine works all the people that you

like you'll see on there because they're doing comedy and they want comics and if we do well other comics like me that you want to see they're going to go after so shut your fucking gob and even if you don't mean it say nice things on your social media about cso because they're going to get their shit together this is it not a guy named Bob CISO in a basement. There's money behind this. If they don't, then we can shit on them for real, right? Right. Absolutely.

I told the fucking CISO people that. I had a few cocktails in me after the fucking thing, and there was a lot of glad handing and saying, I don't eat pizza. I just need more of that vodka. Where does it do with the vodka? and there was all a lot of glad handing and saying i don't eat pizza i just need more of that vodka where's it do with the vodka and he was always right there uh i said listen ever i need you to shadow mr stanhope the entire evening after the podium visit i i said listen and was the first thing out of my mouth i go i know that because hennigan called me after that night i was uh disheartened by all the and i i wrote some shitty things on my twitter like all right i don't know how the fucking see so i and and brian's hennigan says uh i might have to

take down some of those tweets and i i'll deal with this monday and as soon as i met the people fucking the head of cso is like a 29 year old hot chick i go this is like the louis show where his agent is a 14 year old boy like you're the head of CISO. Kelsey is her name. I think. Hello, Mr. Stanhope. Very pleased to meet you. Yeah. It's not a poo from Simpson? But I said, listen, I don't know if there was a problem with my tweets the night this premiered, but you have to remember.

You addressed it? You addressed it? Oh, fuck, yeah. The first thing out of my mouth. You addressed it? You addressed it? Oh, fuck yeah. The first thing out of my mouth. I said, you have to understand my fan base.

You're the man, and I'm the guy that's against you. I took your money, but the more I shit on you and tell people to steal your product, the more they'll buy it. Because as a lot of you listeners have done, 10 years later, after you were broke kids and stole all my shit i'll get 10 20 bills in the mail oh fucking chaley has one right now oh where's the other you got it all right well

we're gonna address this later but yeah exactly you yeah i stole your stuff when i couldn't afford it yeah they the more i tell you to steal it the more they respect me for not having a financial interest. Yeah. Yeah. The fucking people that run that place paid me get the free trial. If you don't like it, cancel it. And,

and they would like that too. They, they just want you to try it. That's, that's all it is. Well, it's like a fucking, it's like a rebate at the hardware store.

They're counting on you forgetting. That's it. Well, but if that too, at the podium and he's like a rebate at the hardware store. They're counting on you forgetting. That's it. I said that to you at the podium. And he's like, I'd like to thank so and so. And all your perspicacity. I go, fuck you, Brian. If Johnny Depp's name wasn't attached to this, no one would be here. But anyway.

And then I went to my seat as the lights dimmed and it was silent. And I go, now I got to watch this fucking thing. What was the premiere like here? Because I didn't get to come because I fell down. Well, I gave myself an hour beforehand to make sure we could play it. Here in the funhouse. In the funhouse. And our wireless out here it's it it works for

surfing the internet or works like that for streaming something like that i'd actually hook it up straight to the who ordered a fucking shake and drink during a podcast that's my if we're gonna get some context to the wi-fi earlier i was trying to download some software hooked to wi-fi and it said it would be ready in two days. Two? You were trying to download Pro Tools. It was two gigabytes, all right? I hooked it to my iPhone and used my hotspot, and it downloaded in less than five minutes. All right.

So that gives you a preference. CenturyLink. CenturyLink. Thank you. CenturyLink is who gets the anti-sponsorship for that. Thank you for nothing, Century Link. Fuck you, Century Link. I was on the phone with four Century Link people this morning.

Those motherfuckers. Just for fun. So we had a premiere here. We did it instead of Monday Night Football because it was Monday night. Yeah, it was fucking. We put Monday Night Football on one of the other screens and I had captions Eagles, Bears, who gives a shit we had a good amount of people

to show up for the amount of seats there were people standing also we live in a town where people can't figure out CISO I just wanted it to be a thing you were not going to be here

so it was a perfect opportunity because I knew you wouldn't want to sit through it you go at CISO it's a streaming service like Netflix what's Netflix do you have the internet no I go to plays not where I'm at

they have live theater every couple months if I go to a coffee shop I can get the internet it's Sierra Vista right that's get the internet. It's Sierra Vista, right? That's where the internet is? That's what it is. So everyone came here. It was actually fucking really good, man. We had a

diverse crowd, like people that don't usually show up, like Ray, the guy who comes and works here, and Jason out on the... So these people... Jason Fury. No, not, yeah. So these people like... Jason Fury. No, no, not Jason Fury.

The metal guy. But I'm saying people found out about it and they showed up and there were three applause breaks. They laughed the hardest. Might have been the three times I laughed. The three hard... Like the number one laugh

was the one I told you about. The smoking. That was fucking great. And then there were a couple other like big, like, I'm like, ah, the fucking, everyone really enjoyed it. And then at the end, everyone applauded. And I thought it was great. It was good.

I felt good about it. If I, if I would have remembered that I got a shout out in the middle of it, I probably would have showed up here just to gloat. I forgot until I watched it at home. Every shout out. Oh, uh, Oh, Blackford. Oh, my God. That was a fucking lose the room type of thing.

And then after that, everyone just kind of milled around talking. And then I threw in Unbookables, the remake, the re-edit. Oh, the one that's on Amazon Prime. Amazon Prime. This is the two things I've ever watched on Amazon Prime was and I'm gonna fucking forget his name and it's gonna kill me

Eddie fucking the old Boston comic that's just kind of made a rebirth Pepitone Eddie Pepitone really? Tracy got that? the bitter Buddha thing it was that was his documentary Pepitone. Eddie Pepitone. Really? Tracy got that? The Bitter Buddha thing?

It was... That was his documentary. The documentary. Yeah, that was Bitter Buddha. That's the reason I got Amazon Prime. So that was a couple... a year and a half ago. I might have had it and didn't know it. I didn't know I could watch.

I didn't know I could watch shit. You discovered it at that point. But the other one was, after this whole James Inman, if you haven't followed the last 700 podcasts with James Inman, I finally listened to it. I watched just so I could be right. You're going to watch a new cut of The Unbookables. And I watched it, and I fucking laughed a lot.

Sean Rouse steals the thing it makes me want to get sean rouse back on the road we need the perfect settle down other settle down that can babysit him burt kreischer no no it would be chad shank chad shank could write an act It would be Chad Shank. If Chad Shank could write an act, it would be Chad Shank. Send your jokes to... Anyway, but repeat what you said, if you can remember. I watched the Unbookables. I liked it. But what I thought most was...

I can tell you exactly the first thing that I said. I don't know if that's what you... You didn't see the first version. No, I never saw the first version. Stan Hope told me it was on Amazon Prime, texted me, and I watched it immediately. The new version. The re-edited version. With Mishka Shubali singing...

All Mishka's songs in it. And the first thing I thought... It was a lot of fun. And the first thing I thought was that I fucking really miss hanging out with Andy Andrist. Andy Andrist. Who is also on the new tour. Andy Andrist is the funnest motherfucker to hang out with. He's just fucking...

I've said it before, and I will always... Unless your credit card is at the desk at the hotel. I've never had to be that guy, so I like hanging out with Andy. Andy Andrist is the funniest guy on the way to the gig. I've always said that. He's so good. There was a spot in the... I don't want to tell it.

I don't want to tell it. No, actually, I want people to watch. If you have Amazon Prime, it's free. Most people do. So watch, yeah. I just watched it that night. Watch it. The other thing I learned...

Just let me finish. That I want your opinions. I want to see them on Twitter. I mean, you can review it on amazon yeah i don't know if they're they probably have you can figure out if they have a twitter account but tweet at me what you think about that because we know these guys so we know all their fuck-ups and proclivities and we know yeah sean rouse takes a header and he goes up the next night with his face is just one giant scab and opens with five minutes you'd kill to write that he

just had to make up about why his face and and the one time i met sean rouse was the exact same fucking story he did the same thing He fell down and had to fucking... He came up to Alaska. I booked him. The first two shows... He did the first two shows and then I was... I'm not proud of this.

I was hosting a wet t-shirt contest and I put him at the front of the bar where there's cameras watching everyone coming into the bar. I set him right there at the bar and I there's cameras watching everyone coming into the bar. I set him right there at the bar and I said, wait here. I'll be back in 15 minutes at the most. Yeah,

God bless. He does this pawing thing. God bless. I come back and the security goes, we don't know where he went. He walked right out the front door, turned around the corner in winter with his rheumatoid arthritis, fell face down on the fucking ice, and then walked three flights up to the penthouse that he was in to stay in. Face giant scab.

One of my beefs with the unbookables, they give you no backstory on any of the comics why they're interchanging brendan walsh is in it for a minute and then he disappears so it's just if you read the no fx book and it just had no it just was stories and you know of fucked up stuff it's like punk rock comedy i i used to make me so angry when they would call Dane Cook a rock and roll comic because he was so Tiffany. He was so pop star. He was so fucking Christina Aguilera. That's the most current reference I have.

He's so whatever. And this is like they're just fall down, drunk, vomiting, bleeding. There's blood. There's vomit. There's stealing. They're ripping off down, drunk, vomiting, bleeding. There's blood. There's vomit. There's stealing. God damn it, there is. They're ripping off the bar blind. Yeah, yeah.

And that's when Sean Rouse saves it. I'm not going to repeat the scene. Yeah. One of the guys says, we're watching the show, Taylor, young Taylor. Oh, yeah. And they go back to a cut, like in the van. And they're at the condo from the fucking club. And there's no less than three bottles that all have the poor spouts from the bar.

They stole them from you the night before. I don't want to give too much away. I don't want to give too much away. All right. The thing is, the general public knows comedy as much as they know Cajun music. So I want to hear, if you have no idea what a comedy lifestyle is like, I think you're going to be lost, but maybe you're going to be more intrigued to find out more. Maybe you're going to be more intrigued to find out more. My sales pitch for watching this would be,

I found out that James Inman is the exact same douchebag that I met in Vegas all the fucking time, and I didn't realize that. If you liked the podcast with Inman, watch the Unbookables movie. It's a whole bunch of the same kind of shit it's yeah inman fucking but it's inman trying to be in control where he inman is and i love you james if you're listening to this and i've told you this to your face but you are the kramer of that whole group but then it's like you if you put Kramer in charge of

running Jerry Seinfeld and all his friends. So he's trying to do it right, but he can't figure it out! And to be fair, I have thought about this, and Iman is really right. When he was talking about, I tried

to pull myself up by my own bootstraps, which is what you want us to do that's a hashtag by the way which is very true because even i'm i'm now trying to get into audio books which i would have never done in the world except for stanhope and we're gonna get to that intention was for me to say all right here's opportunity. See what you can fucking do with it, which is the same thing James is saying, is to pull himself up, but... But that's what he's saying while he's stealing girls' prescription drugs

because they have a medical painful... And he's like, yeah, she doesn't need all of them. I just stole a bunch. His wife has to sleep with her own Oxycontin for medical purposes in her bra because he'll steal them. So he says a lot of these things. He had nothing. He met a guy that could direct this movie and said, oh, yeah, we should do this.

He didn't do it. You think that guy was a fucking production assistant? Oh, let me. You think he was Chaley? I'll run down to Ace Hardware and I'll get that cable for you. You're calling me a production assistant? No, he just sat there getting fucking drunk. Demoted?

No, I want to add it to my resume. I'll add it to my resume. Let's just kill. I want you to watch The Unbookables. It's a fucking documentary on Amazon Prime. I asked Doug. I said, Doug, we watched The Unbookables after the screening of No Place Like Home.

And I honestly, I can't tell you what's different from the original version, which we watched here years ago when we screened Henry Phillips' firstips first movie we watched that and the unbookables at the same time in in the house and you said there's more comedy i'm like yeah oh that's why we were all laughing more i it never dawned on me that they cut out a bunch of the like the minutiae and they added more problem with the director being the conduit to Inman is

at points they make Inman seem like it's about him the journey goes up and there's a chunk of material he does about men and women dating and you go this is exactly the opposite of what the Unbookables was I mean there's some shit

like Lipsky was doing some just pointlessly dark stuff but i know lipsky's hilarious and i know that if i was picking the comedy chunks that lips anyway watch the unbookables i don't i i want to segue but i don't want to break at the unbookables on twitter all right at the unbookables i looked it up yeah but tweet it at doug stand up too because i want to see what you think as a non-comedy or even a comic i want to know what you think about because you haven't you never saw the first edit that me and hennigan went by the way i've uh there's only by the time this goes out, there'll be no DVDs left. Because the original version,

I bought all the ones that James brought out to Vegas. James Inman brought, he had DVD copies of the original that we hated and told him we hated, the one he was screaming on that podcast, we're going to watch a new version. But I bought all of the versions, the first but i i bought all of the versions the first version i bought all of them before the show that night which is my mistake but i gave him i paid him and andy for for everything the sean ross who they're all sold out on that alone is worth it

yeah i fucking made fucking a good friend of mine no name, watched that in a fucking late night YouTube jag. I go, no, this is one of the best bits ever written. And that's in there. And it follows the face plant thing. All right. Let's get to Chad Shank. You need drinks. Back after this.

Hey, my new special, Doug Stanhope, No Place Like Home, filmed right here in Bisbee, Arizona, is now available on Seeso. S-E-E-S-O dot com. Go to Seeso dot com. It's a live streaming thing like all those other fucking things. But this one, you get a free trial. I know it lasts longer than an hour, and that's along my specialists. So go to SeISO.com.

And, yeah, so how about that? This special is free, motherfucker. Big Jay Oakerson's on the label. Harmon Quest, Rooftop Comics. There's a bunch of shit. It's all comedy. So, yeah, check it out. Get the free trial.

Watch Doug stand up, no place like home, and spread the word about me and CISO. And that free part. Yoink, wink. Hey, we're back. I want to get into Chad Shank is going to start doing some fucking audio books. Thanks to you guys listening to Digging Up Mother and giving him a goddamn resume. And he just loaded up with all the equipment. And he's going to be sitting in his closet without a firearm, I assume.

Studio. Studio. Sitting in a studio. In line. I'm going to focus all of my crazy attention on learning how to do this. I learned I have to be, you can't just read and then send somebody the raw, like we did here, because only if you're a noted author if you want to start up i have to learn everything you have to be the narrator and the producer of the whole editor yeah so uh shaley's

been teaching me setting up you know everything yeah we took a hour and a half listen to teach him everything i know i'm feeling very good about this i've never been excited about anything more than this in my life at the same time i got i got a message from the guy who edited your audiobook and was like hey this is great i saw that you know i heard on the podcast that you're gonna do this if you need any help here's my email address i have more things going for me in this endeavor than anything ever in life if I fuck this up I have to hang myself

I don't even have a choice there's no way I can fuck this up at this point the more successful I've become the more I hate my life yeah now I owe it to someone that's a real bummer for me to hear don't worry you're happy as shit

you're getting free fucking hair get this guy another whiskey oh yeah just hold your hand up Chad you have to remember Travis what's your last name Carl find him at a soup kitchen doing karaoke breaks I said do you get on stage a lot

in Virginia Beach do they have that much comedy he goes I go up every night get on stage a lot in Virginia Beach? Do they have that much comedy? He goes, I go up every night if I can. A lot of it's between bands and open mic, acoustic guitar. There's a famous surfer from Virginia Beach. Don't get off topic. We're getting to Chad Shank. I grew up in Glendale.

I'm a Phoenix guy. Originally, the last 10 years I've been in Glendale, Arizona. Not the famous glendale that i should have mentioned so chad shank we we talked about this because we've we've filmed experimentally in here to do comedy in the funhouse with 35 people and crushing show and we go we could put out our own comics dvds talking about this why am i i'm saying we could okay no i gotta get my shit together and stop doing other fucking things or at least stop all these money-making ventures no i'm money making that's what the unbookables was about

is trying to get these people known because we do have a small niche of the public that enjoys what I do. Like death metal. Exactly. That's what I liken it to. So if we could get a fucking label where the people that like me, that would like Travis Lipsky,

that would like Andy Andrus, that would like Junior Stopka, there's a bunch of them out there, but we could have a label but then when he started doing the audiobooks we could have our own fucking label of audiobooks right now we're audible.com this seems like this should be a private meeting all right let's just say i never said that but i put it out there because room tone no don't cut that out either let me look at my notes do you want

to take a break no i don't want to take a break good the the well we get it yeah let's just plow through this the tour starts uh september 27 in amarillo you have the date goes yeah i know i'm looking for him that's right there under you, Travis. Come on, Travis. You have one job. Actually, no. I gave it to Chad Shank because people love his voice and they'll listen more. Oh, I need to practice.

Yeah, nobody's trying to hear more of me. Plow through him. Doug Stanhope tour dates. With Junior Stopka and Andy Andrist. And to preface, I will be more than likely opening the show going up in between the comics

closing the show then we'll fuck off we don't have a plan so don't get there late cause you think you're gonna miss shitty openers I'm booking headliners to work with me so so yeah get there on time it's gonna be me Junior Stopka at Junior

Stopka at Andy Andrist. And, uh, yeah, you'll see us starting. You've been warned. September 27th, Amarillo, Texas, September 28th, Oklahoma city, September 29th, Fayetteville, Arkansas, September 30th, hot Springs, Arkansas, plow through it. October 2nd, Fayetteville, Arkansas. September 30th, Hot Springs, Arkansas. Plow through it. October 2nd, Memphis, Tennessee. October 3rd, Birmingham, Alabama. October 4th, Chattanooga, Tennessee. October 5th, Nashville, Tennessee.

October 6th, Louisville, Kentucky. October 7th, Indianapolis, Indiana. October 9th, Peoria, Illinois. October 10th, St. Louis, Missouri. October 11th, Rock Island, Illinois. October 10th, St. Louis, Missouri. October 11th, Rock Island, Illinois. October 12th, Cedar Rapids, Iowa. October 13th, Des Moines, Iowa. December 1st, Boston, Massachusetts. I believe there is a Wichita date to end it on the 16th in play. There's a few more dates. You can go to DougStanhope.com

to get up on it. And they'll have the venues and that shit where you buy tickets. So thank you for that. I'm so looking forward to this tour because I really don't give a fuck. I don't have a set that's ready to tape for a special. It's still being worked out.

It's going to be funny. No one bitched on the last tour with Christine Levine and Brett Erickson. One lady. My husband didn't know you were going up first. I did the middle and the end too, you fucking asshole. I did the same amount of time. We've talked about this. I love it

though. So yeah, come to the show. It's going to be the most fun I have, and that should be the most fun you have. I don't know if I ever brought up Gertrude Healy. I've got to make sure. I've got to have a better folder for people. This guy, someone that read the book, Digging Up Mother,

found the French teacher that told me that one day I'd write for Saturday night live when I was in the sixth grade heckling. And he found her founder number. He goes, I go, I looked for her forever. He goes, no, I'm good at this. And then he found her. I think I have her. And I'm like, oh, good. He goes, yeah, I called her. It's her. You should call her. Here's her number. And I'm like, she remembers you already. Yeah. He said he talked to her for a while. I'm like, oh, good. He goes, yeah, I called her. It's her. You should call her. Here's her number. And I'm like, well, have you already? Yeah, he said he talked to her for a while. I'm like, well, you kind of ruined the surprise.

I appreciate your hard work, but now I don't want to call her. You already told her I said nice things. Now you're bothering her. Well, here's the thing. She's got to be like 175 years old. So all I can say is, hey, you said a really nice thing about me, and I appreciate that, and I put it in a book book but you already heard what the other guy said well then what's she gonna tell me about what the fucking applesauce she ate for breakfast and like i i'm not good at the only time i could do that is drunk dialing and you don't drunk dial an 80 year old woman

unless we're the hard way yeah got one in there Keith Kingsbury is the other guy someone a while ago found his number he's in the book but he's not a guy Tom Konopka who thank you for all your

compliments on Tom Konopka that was on the previous podcasts he's coming down for we have our own personal farts festival it's the funhouse arts festival coming up after this tour you're not invited so we shouldn't bring it up but it's got an all-star fucking cast it's two days of a motherfucking party and you can't come uh well i can you can yeah no i'm saying the general listener well i know i was just rubbing it in you were being a dick i was gonna just step it up here's here's the problem usurping me as a i i i was thinking is there a way we can do like a contest thing that you can come to this but the fucking one guy that we did that with ruined it

no I disagree this do that in the future if you want I'm saying we can't do it I'm saying this one we're not videotaping we're not audiotaping we're doing fucking nothing we're having fun this is artists

which means Kaylee will still be working his balls off for two days setting up cables for bands. I meant all of you. But honestly, it's a concerted effort right now to make this be end of the tour. Three days after we're done with the tour, we're back here, and we're basically just fucking hanging out. Yeah.

It'll be good. I'm looking forward to it. But anyway, Konopka. He'll be here. I'm connected with. This is the fucking but anyway, Knopka I finally connected with this is the fucking funniest story about Knopka I go listen I hadn't seen him in what

30 years? 28 years? and he was great on the podcast, great to hang out texting fucking lovers since and then I go hey I'd love you to be here. I'll fly you down.

And he said, yeah, I can get the time off. And I bought his ticket. And I go, where can I email the itinerary? He goes, I'll try to get an email by next week. No. No, no, no. That's how off the grid this guy is that's why i couldn't find kanopka is not a casual name like john johnson no kanopka why can't i find tom kanopka he doesn't even have

email he goes and today he texts me he says he listens to the podcast so i know you're listening probably at the library or a coffee shop. And he goes, if I don't have an email, I'll just text you and I'll, I'll get the flight times. Don't get it. Don't get an email for us, sir.

No, even Matt Becker, who is the only stalwart we know that won't get a fucking cell phone. He has one that he can text on, but he won't have a number. He won't have, you can't call get a fucking cell phone. He has one that he can text on, but he won't have a number. You can't call him on a cell phone. You beat Becker by not having email. Yeah, because I can get a hold of Becker.

If I have to, I can get a hold of Becker. Dave Attell was the only one I knew that held out against email longer than me, and that was like 2000. Yeah. I have old friends who brag about, Shaylee's the first person who got email. That was a badge of honor. You know, it's really hard to find things to brag about you.

No, I'm just saying. Hey, if Shaylee and I do die on this tour, and if you look at the dates, strong likelihood, but I got a new will today out of spite, and so I just left everything to Chaley, but then I go,

oh, Tracy's not coming on the road as a backup because I know how Chaley drives. It's the Leonard Skinner clause. Yeah. Don't put everyone on the same page. Yeah, so if we go off an overpass, I strongly suggest, Chad Shank, you better start courting that girl.

I've already started imagining a polygamist situation here at the compound. For the listeners, while Tracy is making coasters, Chad is over here on his iPad looking at how to crochet. It's called having games, Jaylee. I get it. I get it. As always, I have more thank yous that I owe than I remember, but I have one. Someone sent me a very cool T-shirt,

and I don't know if this is based on my disease T-shirt idea, but someone sent me a T-shirt that, it's a concert tee, but it says, the Black Death European Tour, the 1300 years, 1351 to 1357 or whatever, with all the dates on the back of countries that exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That it affected back then. One of the greatest shirts I've ever seen.

If you have a real fat guy size, send one for me. And some guy with Massachusetts plates and a Prius, so he tweeted me, taped a bag on the inside of the gate for Chad Shank. Love you guys. Thank you very much. What did it have in it? It had a pack of smokes wrapped in a note that said, I had some luck in Vegas.

Fuck your five miles over. Thanks for all the podcast laughs. You rock. Ray from Massachusetts. The five miles over, it took me a minute to remember, was your... I got my ticket. And inside was a pack of smokes for Stan Hope because I don't smoke. But wrapped around it was a $100 bill.

And fuck, thanks, Ray. Yes. Got a speeding ticket for five miles over in a golf cart. That's fantastic. What a fucking phenomenal... And we're going to plow through this, because some emails I got that I did read. Wait, you're supposed to read this.

No, I'm reading this. You're reading that one. Joseph Abramson, why can't I just give you money? Well, you can. Message, I've been tormenting all your... Tormenting. He meant torrenting. I'm assuming. But either way,

I've been tormenting all your albums since I was a kid. I want to just PayPal you money for all the shit I stole. Why no PayPal button on the page? Surely I'm not the only one who has asked this. No,

you're not. And maybe we don't beg you for money enough. So Chaley, where's the donate button? It could be on the homepage, the landing page. I really want to believe that that's not a typo. I've been tormenting your albums.

Go ahead. Oh, Hey, when you have a great idea to throw out, don't do it in the middle of him plugging how to give us money. Bad form, my friend. We don't put it on the landing page, the homepage, DougStanhope.com, but it is on the podcast page.

It's very discreet. It's in red. Why do you make it discreet? This is your fault. Chaley gets his money for producing it. It's discreet. It's in red with a white background. But it should be on the homepage. There's no contacts if it's on the homepage.

I agree. You put donate here. If you don't know why, if you have to ask, then don't donate. then if you're listening to the podcast if you have to ask then don't donate how about that yeah yeah something all right yeah clearly see see i'm a marketing guy yeah all right all right thank you john hickok by the way thank you very much for anyone who has donated yeah all right listen okay this is from uh john hickok this is you're gonna you're gonna wish you were in nashville for this because i can't do it but uh this is john hickok the is you're gonna you're gonna wish you were in Nashville for this because I can't do it

but uh this is John Hickok the co-creator of Hickok this is H-I-C-K-O-K 45 Hickok 45 on YouTube which has over 2 million uh subscribers and I'm also a comedy open micro in Nashville, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to invite you on my show called comedians shoot machine guns. I'm a huge comedy fan,

et cetera. It's like Seinfeld, except it's machine guns instead of coffee. Did I, I, I, I shouldn't mention, I'm not going to mention the Seinfeld thing.

I, I, we have an announcement. Not right now. Yeah. I shouldn't mention. I'm not going to mention the Seinfeld thing. We have an announcement. Not right now. Yeah. I'm glad he explained it because I would not have understood. Anyway. I'm glad he didn't talk about it.

He wants us to, and I explained to him, we're driving on this tour. And a lot of people have invited me to stay in their guest house or come have fucking craft beer. You always do, and I appreciate it. But we're driving, which usually means we get there just short of showtime and time to eat a bad Subway sandwich or whatever we eat and then do a show. So with this, you go, oh, fuck. I want to go do shooting machine guns with a fucking guy. He goes, and I said, I don't know if we are going to get there in time i'm going to

forward this to chaley he's my tour manager he'll know better and then he goes last time this was the secondary email i didn't afford you he goes last last one we spent over a thousand rounds from an m16 now i've just had my follow-up appointment with my surgeon says you can't lift more than 10 pounds for six weeks and that's serious and i'm like i don't know how that 10 pounds translates into the recoil of a heavy caliber not at all not at all with an m16 that's what i wrote to him i i i'm assuming my surgeon would frown on it and uh no wait but if we get there in time i got junior stop guy and andy and i would love to do that and you yeah so if we can get to nashville in time so go to i'll make us get there on time all right well you got that sounds like a lot of fun for you guys i thought i thought you were going to describe something that's so cool

that i was going to start looking up a ticket so i could meet you guys. I thought you were going to describe something so cool that I was going to start looking up a ticket so I could meet you guys there, but maybe you forgot. I don't shoot other people's guns. And you probably already have this set up in your backyard with cop targets. We could do it every day. No lives matter. Hashtag Chad Shank.

I like that he explained the name and then gave you the concept like it wasn't clear in the name. All right, so that is Shane Stedham, who's, if you want to watch the comics with machine guns on YouTube. That was Hickok. Oh, wait, no. Fuck Hickok.

This is Shane Stedham's next one. All right. Wild Bill Hickok. God damn it. What do I? You won jobs, Stan Hope. All right. John Hickok.

But the YouTube channel is Hickok, H-I-C-K-O-K-45 on YouTube. Is that at the bottom? So you can watch the YouTube thing. He recanted. Down at the bottom is another. Hang on. Shane Steele. Oh, yeah.

This is another problem. Are we going to get there in time to set up a podcast, do this show? This is in fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas. Hold on. Well, I don't operate a YouTube channel with my dad. I do operate a YouTube channel with my dad. We gave him one plug. I'm giving the real one here.

Two million subscribers. He's backing off of that. This show is on a side project channel called Hickok 45 and Son. And it's 90,000 subscribers. He said he has a separate one for himself that's not as popular.

So I plugged the popular one. You're trying to help. I'm trying to speed through this. Why do we keep this guy? Why is this guy the sole beneficiary of the fucking $245 I have in my bank account?

I think the one job that I had just changed. Alright, listen. Shane Stank, as previously mentioned, this sounds like a great story. He's going to be fayetteville where we have to play a fish market i remember that place from last time smoking out back it's a fish

restaurant and they're not even on uh gps i after i saw that we were doing that show i'm actually considering packing an entire pa in the van He's got a story about that. Earlier, when you said on the lamb, you asked. I go, I just saw that. It was this email. He spent 10 years on the lamb doing some weird shit. Sounds like he has a good story. Also said he used to have his own podcast so he can speak into a microphone.

Shane, if we can do it, just email me the day before and we'll be able to tell you. Because I'll let Chad read that after the show. That one sounds like I'd rather be a... Shane St... Well, I don't know if he wants his name out there, actually. But yeah, you can fuck around. All right, this is the email of all emails,

and it's not unique. I mean, it's unique but it's unfortunately not uncommon. Coming to your OKC show on September 28th. Please read Suicide Note.

Long time fan and supporter of your dark and twisted comedy blah blah blah. Unfortunately, I'm dealing with serious depression and believe this will be the best medicine to cure it. I'll be driving 200 miles in three hours to see your show. This will be my first time actually able to see you perform a dream come true.

Well, to make the email short, i didn't you did i just started through it uh main reason i'm contacting you is because i will be committing suicide that night of the show or the next morning on the 29th just thought i'd let you know so you can give me the first and only as well as one of your best performances that you can possibly give hope. I didn't put any pressure on you, buddy. No pressure. Just make me laugh so I can die happily. Just make me laugh so I can die.

What? We've been through this. A couple times, actually. Yeah, the first time you think it's a joke, and then you read the obit. Second time you go, oh, really? Yeah, I'll have the wings with the blue cheese. My roommate did open for you and then killed himself like three months later. What?

Did you email me about that? I did. I tweeted you about it. All right. Yeah, no, that happens. Yeah. Yeah, we get a lot of those. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We get a lot of those. I'm saying it's not uncommon. So I did email him back and say, listen. I emailed back. The guy who emailed you. Roughly, I emailed back. You say that you suffer from depression, but the fact that you're coming to a show in Oklahoma City

where you think I'm going to put on a prime performance labels you as the ultimate optimist. See you at the show. More than you. I'm never going to say don't kill yourself. That's what you got to do. But I'm not going to say good idea. I'd talk to that person.

That Spanish name guy? I don't know. Oh, you have or you would? No, no, I would. I'm saying. Oh, now you're saying I'll talk him out of suicide just so you can shoot machine guns. No, no, I don't want to talk him out of suicide.

Just one on the tour. I don't want to talk him out of suicide. Chad doesn't talk anyone out of suicide. He was the one who was telling James Inman on the patio at the plaza, the pool patio like, no, what you do is you cinch it and then as you drop, it will

go tight. You're telling him how to complete the task. I'd be more interested in seeing if this guy's done his research, if he knows exactly. I feel like I should point out that my roommate was a huge fan, and the two are probably not related. It's probably just...

Well, they're related, and they're both fans. Circumstance. They're both fans. It's a niche market. I know a lot of people that didn't like me at all that killed themselves, so I'm not going to... It happens every day, actually. All right, I don't think I can announce...

You know what? I can announce fucking anything that drunk industry people told me. I have one thing. There will be an audio version in a couple months. Two months. In November of the new special. Yes. If you're that ill-inclined to try to figure out how to fucking sign up for a free service.

Doug, if I handed you a CD right now, what would you do with it? And then DVD is going to be months after that. If I handed you a CD right now, what would you do with it? I'd go get my car and go on a road trip. All right. And if I had a DVD, I'd put it in. Like, I watched Nice Guys, which is really good. Bought that out of a fucking jukebox at the Safeway.

That's how we get movies, out of a fucking red box. And I still put out-of-order signs on it, because they keep fucking me over for not returning movies. So, what, do you just buy them for 100 bucks a pop out of the red box now? Well, I cost them that, too. You know what? Sometimes it's the principle. Better than driving to a theater.

Hey, Bisbee built a dog park. So after you get done their building, I think they just opened it. It's in the Bisbee Observer. No. We're going to skip Police Bee. I think this has gone on. What's it? Hour 20 right now?

I got one more email. Okay. I just want to say vote David's. Hour 22. Fucking close. won't email. Okay. I just want to say, vote David Smith. Hour 22. Fucking close. Within two pounds. David Smith for mayor. He made a dog park,

which Bingo and I talked about forever, trying to do. He's not mayor yet. He is. He will be. Jason Lindstrom will be the fucking district 14, and David Smith will be the mayor. All right.

So the proposed dog park. Go ahead. Yes. Anyway, so I'm saying David Smith will be the mayor. All right. So the proposed dog park... Yes, anyway. So I'm saying David Smith for mayor. Read your email. Go ahead. Oh, this one. This is... Oh, shit. Pause. Pause for glasses.

Pause for readers. This is from Slattery. I'll just say that. Shaylee, you talked about open mics. You had suggestions how to run one. I really have no experience. I'm not looking to perform. I really...

I'm paraphrasing. Read that for her. Hang on. This is the worst email ever. Oh, no, no. It. Read that for her. Hang on. This is the worst email ever. Oh, no, no. It's the worst read ever. Hang on. I have a professional voiceover artist

that's going to read that for you, Chaley. Please, Mr. Chad Shank, ladies and gentlemen. We're going to have to sidebar. There's a bunch of highlights in there. I had no idea. I had no idea we had a professional here. Don't do the highlights. That's what messed me up.

We have an open mic here that can help answer this. So read the whole thing. No. Someone else ordered that drink. That wasn't me. I want one with egg whites in it. What? A fizz?

Oh. The fizz. I'm assuming you have commentary on this email. No, no. It was to Chaley. Travis and I both do. Oh, okay. Okay. All right.

I'm just going to read the whole thing then. All right. Chaley, I think it was you who made a comment on the podcast a few months back about open mics. You said that you had suggestions how to run one. I'm asking because we live in West Palm Beach. There's not really much of a comedy scene here that I'm aware of. We have the improv. Okay, I see why you skipped all that. I really have no experience and I'm not looking to perform, but I find myself thinking all the time about trying to get an open mic up and running. So I figure I can at least reach out

to you. I've really been into certain elements of the Kill Tony show and the roast battles. I really don't like all the bullshit clowning around, though, on the roast battles with those knuckleheads on the side. Do you have any suggestions? That's it? End of email. That's where you give suggestions.

All right. Oh, this is Ryan. Do you need to know his name? Well, I actually know the open mic scene in West Palm Beach. Oh, he's not part of it. Really? I know everybody in that scene. No, no, I think... That's a very good scene.

Hold on a second. He's a part of it in that I think he lives locally. He's not an open mic-er, and that was my first comment. He wants to run an open mic. He wants to run an open mic. He wants to start an open mic. I go there a lot. But there may be one already, you're saying. Yeah, there's a huge...

You guys are horrible. Alright, then Ryan, that's your answer. He goes there a lot. He's looking for an answer. How do you start an open mic? Do you run any open mics, Travis? Not in West Palm Beach. No, but anywhere. But I go there a lot.

I ran a... All right, so... I've run open mics in Chesapeake, Virginia. All right. I've heard of that one. It feels weird bragging about running an open mic. Since American Idol has been around, I always told local open micers,

no one wants to see open mic comedy because they almost all suck. Some better than others, but almost all suck. That's why they're open micers. Just say they all suck. So I would suggest, as much as that's a hated forum, get three local professional comics and then let them bust balls on guys afterwards as long as everyone's in on the joke that way if a guy sucks they're gonna like that the local talent professional talent is gonna make fun of them and if they're good then they're oh that guy was good

and you give them courtesy and that's what tony does with kill tony i don't know i don't know kill tony i i know tony hinscliffe i don't know his show do a show that's him and red band and a guest or two oh they do the thing you did in anchorage yeah they uh you draw your name out of a hat and you all sign up and whoever they go up and they do two minutes and they comment on and they all comment on why didn't you say that? That would be a good tag. You did a star search in Anchorage years ago. Yeah, that was.

Anyway, you're off topic. I would tell Ryan. There's the Funky Buddha in West Palm Beach. It's an open mic and it's a really good show. This guy wants to start an open mic. So this is what I did. That was my idea. You know what? Do what Tony Hinchcliffe does steal the format and i'll tell you why that's okay because for the entire time of 25 plus years i've been in comedy they still do three comics a night

even if your town doesn't have a good opener, they'll put the best guy from open mic. Even if he sucks shit, they'll still make a three-man show when you could have a two-man show or a one-man show. So, yeah, if it's a good formula, steal Kill Tony. Yeah, absolutely. That would be my... There's a good pool of comedians in West Palm Beach, though. I've been there.

There's a good scene there. No one wants Palm Beach, though. I've been there. There's a good scene there. The point is, no one wants to see shitty open micers. Yeah, yeah. Okay, if I can just... Well, it was addressed to me, so I will answer now. Doug, you've answered. Travis, you've answered. Let's all walk out on him like we did James Inman.

Please. Please walk out. That's what I wanted to do. This guy especially not being a performer it's odd because it would be a performer who would go like hey

let's get a Tuesday night open mic because they want to get something going on I'm going to fight with you I fucking welcome it because the best comics are the worst perform like you want a guy that has business sense i'm so okay is that where you were going what i'm saying is this guy not being a comic is probably gonna be better all right than anyone else to promote then i'm gonna fight with you like james inman when you're on his side, he still fights with you. Fuck you, you cunt! You cunt!

You're both cunts! I'm going to supersede all of you guys and agree with the new guy who's been there and says there's already a scene. You're saying there's not one, but there's already one. We have to answer the email in front of us. Sometimes the scene is very exclusive. The email in front of us says... He says that there's nothing here. The guy from Virginia...

He says there's nothing here. The guy from Virginia is telling you there's nothing happening. Let's all keep talking all over each other. Keep talking and we're going to all close after yelling at each other. This should end now. It's already done. So this is the deal. If this guy lives there and he has a problem...

We just closed it perfectly. No, no, no. This is the deal. If he wants to start an open mic, Doug, you're 100% right. He needs to get in touch with three comics and approach a bar that has a corner. No, what you want to do is you find a bar. You say, I'm a comedy promoter with all the confidence in the world as though

you've done it a billion times kind of what then you get a guarantee and the biggest fuck up of open mics across the country infinitum is booking the exact same acts with the exact same acts every week you get three guys and you and you go, you know what? You're going to have to wait two months or come back with brand new material. If people already like you, you come back. Open mics are always the same people. Oh, fucking Chad Chang starting to throw dishes around.

Listen, that's how I get two peanuts. Let's close this goddamn podcast. We've got to go on the road. I still haven't picked out the perfect suit. By the way, the poster I did, I bought it. You're holding it upside down too, you drunk cunt. I love it when Chaley gets drunk.

He's holding it up for effect on the podcast. Close this out by calling it the Greg Chaley podcast because that's how you get when you're drunk. Oh, fuck. Thank God you ran this long because I have to promote. I turned this long because I have to promote... I turned it off. I have to promote Mother's Book.

If you read Digging Up Mother, still available out there everywhere, audible version, hardback, etc., etc. Tamar Halpern, who produced and directed Mother's big movie, Memphis Bound and Gagged, has it out on Vimeo. I don't have the link, but if you go to the DougStanhope.com to the podcast page, which I don't think has been updated in a long time, but you've been working hard.

Fuck you. I said you've been working hard. Oh, we can throw peanuts at Stano? The dogs are going to eat them, and they have peanut allergies. It's 100% updated. Anyway, Memphis Bound and Gagged. If you want to watch an independent film starring Mother, yes, you can see that on Vimeo, see The Unbookables on Amazon Prime,

see my special on Seesaw, and wait for Joey Diaz, Nick DiPaolo. Go to my Twitter at HDFatty where I now will be promoting my own self. I never did that before. And you're going to be reading. I'm going to write shit. I took down all of my archives.

Oh. And I thought, well, because I might use them in books and shit i have fucking what 16 years of archives and i go hey i could put out just on audible just a a one-off of chad shank doing my archives of 16 years of life on the road could happen clearly atatty, are you on Twitter, Travis? I am, at TravisSCarl. With a K? With a C, TravisSCarl. Like hot Carl.

Yeah. Like you're shitting on a table. Right. And Greg Chaley, at Greg Chaley. C-H-A-I-L-L-E. Like you're shitting on a table. Yeah, hot Carl. So that's how I describe it to people at dmv come on can we just have one

beat where we close this motherfucker click pass me the lampshade i'm drunk again blew my drug money on a quart of gin well i am a cultured man with tastes discriminating But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything

Fell in love with love and death and darkness if i'm a bad drunk well it's not for lack of practice there is no this is no modern romance because i'm going home in a fucking ambulance Well am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight Spring break, John Brooks is sprung Now I'm the only one Mirrored medicine cabinet door Like the hatch of a submarine

Bottles inside like buttons and dials And tiny backlit screens Bloody footprints on the bathroom floor In a hotel close to the airport well am I the only one drinking tonight

the only one drinking tonight despair is an octopus with its head in New Hampshire And tentacles everywhere Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight

The only one drinking tonight