The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #171: Booze Fueled Notes from the Road

Episode Date: October 15, 2016

Doug, Andy Andrist, Junior Stopka and Chaille squeeze in a podcast before the show at Penguins in Cedar Rapids.Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded Oct 12, 2016 in the storage basement of Penguins Comedy Club in Cedar Rapids, IA with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), Junior Stopka (@JuniorStopka), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Stanhope Sept-Oct 2016 Tour Dates with Andy Andrist & Junior Stopka - http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/ Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "VodkaSodaBurg", by Birdcloud recorded live opening the Doug Stanhope & Friends show at Zanies in Nashville - Oct 05, 2016.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We're going to talk about the town hall? Yeah, talk about whatever the hell you want. Well, I mean, that's all I can think of. Chaley's got the best memory for the tour anyway, because he has to stay sober for a lot of the stuff we miss. I left a lot of my memory back in the room. And when he has a night off, it ends up tragically in Peoria. Do you think that would have happened anywhere?

What happened? Oh, in Peoria? Yeah. Well, we went to a haunt. Yes, we went to the infirmary. The infirmary for a haunted house. Had a couple of cocktails. I stayed home and slept

like a responsible person. Well... I watched the Clinton-Trump documentary on CNN. So we did actually did something of that we we did something we stimulated the local economy got out and got some fresh air oh that's right you got burned on coke in peoria well no no we got a really bad price on chalk burned on coke's the wrong way to say it. Peoria, chalk is very expensive. It's a commodity that you wouldn't, it's not traded. You don't see it like sugar or cocoa beans.

Yeah. That's what happens when your friends leave Peoria. They used to get you Coke and then they move. And then you just think, oh, I can just go back to where they used to hang out. They made it look easy yeah i think we got racially profiled too that black i saw a couple of white guys and he's like oh hey you guys want some drugs and of course we're white guys yeah we'll try it stumbling out of a bar and we got back with it and uh and we could tell it wasn't coke well at first we got

back with it and andy goes hey i don't did I give it to you? Oh, right. Shit. And he's turning out his pockets like he's at the border. Like I do, yeah. Because we picked up a bunch of your cocktail straws everywhere we went. It's just like someone dumped a box. What was it, steak sauce? He had A1 that he lifted from Ulrich's. Yeah, that was my original plan.

I was going to try to steal A1 sauce from every town because it's the best condiment but it's wicked overpriced so i wanted to have this tour have just this endless stockpile to find wicked overpriced because uh we bought chalk or shaley bought chalk for uh forty dollars it wasn't even a full half stick of chalk it was like a whole you know the end that that he's probably a teacher smashes it and puts it in a bag so we're giving to the kids how much how much did you snort before you realized oh just like a you know if you're writing a sentence on the board probably that you know the word that yeah i andy andrews will not snort chalk i think it's about what i think this is bogus yeah of

course andy's the first one to try it chaley buys it but andy's this first no no what i think this is bogus yeah yeah of course andy's the first one to try it chaley buys it but andy's this first no no what i was saying was andy lost it yeah and we were in the room and i'm like come on really this is this is yeah how it ends up and then i just go hold on this is andy let's retrace his footsteps like family circus right back right yeah the kid with the i got me went right back to the uh but right back to the uh elevator which hadn't even gone down to the bottom floor yet and it was sitting there my chalk on the elevator floor yeah yeah so if even the elevator wouldn't run with the coke you would have just blamed him for yeah no i would have lost the coke and been a bit of an asshole

but and so it worked out great. Or we might have just gone back. Re-upped. Yo, yo, yo. He would have been so skittish to sell us more gold. No, we want another one. That was so good. He's got his hands up ready to fight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, I just resold that for twice the price. I need a supplier. Yeah, that would have been, you know, it would have been awkward to be, fuck, I lost it. I'm sorry, Greg, you know.

You shouldn't throw your money around like that. I think we've both learned a valuable lesson here. Yeah, we did. Or you. We got to develop a better coca situation in Peoria. What has Andy lost on this tour so far? Well, that same night that he lost the blow found in the hotel room, later the next day we got a call from our Uber driver

who actually Andy's phone was in the cab. My burner phone, I left it in the cab. And he left your wallet in the room in Birmingham. Yeah, and then that's about it. No, that was Memphis when he took a knee. Wasn't that it? No, but it was the green room in Birmingham. Oh, in Birmingham.

He left his wallet behind. No, I don't know that I left my wallet behind. Junior led a lot of undesirables into the green room and some stuff was missing. There's an old adage, never let me be in charge of anything. Yeah, you weren't in charge. You couldn't hold your bladder that night.

That was great. That was great. We were at the back of the room, the show was over. Andy's there so I can go grab the recorder. And so he watches the booth, which is our regular routine. Which is something new that I've been given any kind of responsibility, even if it's just symbolic. So then Doug comes to the booth after he smokes a cigarette. And now things are starting to go.

It's a bit of a frenzy. Doug comes to the booth after he smokes a cigarette, and now things are starting to go. It's a bit of a frenzy. And then Doug goes, get Junior out of, go watch Junior, make him stay in the back room because he's fucking shithoused. And I go, Andy, go back there and just sit with Junior. Leave him back there.

Andy leaves. I sell a poster or two, and then Junior comes up. Hello. I saw him as I was going back. The center got up on the stage and then go to the back hello. I saw him as I was going back through the center, got up on the stage and then go to the back and I saw Junior going like, okay, I already fucked up. That's the last memory I have of that night. Yeah, there's been several times on this tour

where I have a simple task I need done and I have to go. Who's more equipped? Well, that's how you get the order. The order. That's how you figure out the order for the night oh for going on stage but just uh hey which one of these like chinese telephone can you just tell that uh waitress one simple thing and i i go oh who's gonna fuck this up wars just just dumb shit but That's been fun.

You'll go on stage when Andy's doing something. You'll see he needs a drink. You won't ask him. You'll just walk out on stage and get it. I think it's real loose and it's fun. And when you're having fun, sometimes you lose stuff. Or you buy stuff that isn't stuff.

Or not the stuff you wanted. Andy Andrist and Junior Stopka and Greg Chaley and I are in a... Underground bunker in Cedar Rapids. Cedar Rapids, Iowa. We have five shows left. I feel like this is going to be Trump's last thing, too, before he shoots himself in the head. This is his bunker?

Yeah. Yeah, we're in some woodshed. They go, yeah, I think we can find a place he can smoke and podcast. But the owner, he comes in a lot, so he might get pissed. So right now we're just hoping we don't get caught smoking. He'd have to locate the smell of the smoke first, I mean, or where it's coming from. Yeah, that's why.

If we're going to get caught smoking, let's go into the boys' room. We'll all light up and let the owner catch us. We started in Amarillo. It was kind of uneventful. Alabama, I think, I mean, the green room situation, then Junior went out there, and then when I went out there, or I was going to the back to get secured because a couple of troops. Well, Homeless Nate was back there.

Yeah. You guys are all over the road here. Yeah, yeah. Go with your troop story. Oh, but yeah. And he's rekindled. Yeah, so that's what happened right before you said go keep, just go to the back and protect myself.

Oh, that's right. And keep Junior back there because I had a couple of guys make vague threats or I don't know about threats. One said I should suck my own dick. That was kind of a funny don't let me see you outside kind of. Right. I'll take care of this. But the first one was a straight up.

Right. It was like, have you ever been in a firefight? Yeah, yeah. Like kind of a fuck you. They don't teach the troops how to have a sense of humor when they're talking. Or how to make a threat. Yeah, yeah. Andy's at the merch booth and the guy comes up, you're selling your CD.

He goes, is this your cd yeah and then i go yeah he goes is how much your cd or is this your cd i go yeah and he goes i'll give you 25 to suck your own dick so he's like i didn't know if it was a sale or not or do you want that signed could i scroll my name on that for you the other guy that guy just drove home fuming then He probably had like three insults in mind and jumbled them. He's probably punching his dash. I should have said, no, suck my dick. But I said, suck your own dick. It didn't make

sense. I want to go back. You think he was nervous talking to Andy? I've never talked to a star. He probably built it up. If he thinks I could suck my own dick, I'd be nervous talking to that guy too. I think he was trying to call you gay, but if he has to suck his dick, then you're both gay. Well, then I would have to. He's trying to make you 100% gay.

He's paying a guy to suck his own dick. That's kind of gay. Yeah, does he watch him? Does he take your word on it? He's going to ask someone else for proof? Maybe he wants a picture. Proof of something. But then a second guy comes up.

Yeah, well, what was the order? The first guy come up with the firefight. You've never been in a firefight, which, you know, I had to think. Like, I've done a lot of drugs and probably, you know. It's one of those things. I had a guy chase me with a leaf blower. Does that count? So, you know, I was thinking about it.

And then he started in with some of the other, you've got whatever, you know, those tag lines that you don't listen to it was it was pretty i at that point i said andy oh yeah because he he his was a was a was a hit and run he let you know that he was not happy about you and he looked like recently discharged or still active and then he dishonorably probably well well uh and then i said andy stay behind the booths and at least you have the barrier he'll have to swing across the booth you know what i mean i wonder yeah a table a table is the ultimate protection well yeah no how many other comics are still dealing with these kind of problems well i know i should yeah i mean we listen to Bert Kreischer's podcast

number 200 yeah the 200 with Bill Burr and Tom Segura and I try to not listen to comedy I can't listen to Bill Burr thank you you said a nice thing about me on that podcast Bill Burr and I don't listen to Bill Burr we used to just

relentlessly because by the time we'd go on the road there's you know like 60 monday morning podcasts we haven't listened to so we're just one after another and we used to do that but i would just then when i'm doing my own podcast i'm just i'm everything is our ladies is coming out of my fucking ears and so i stopped listening anything comedy now especially when i'm trying to work out new material. You're not going to get any. If you think of something from another comic, well, that's from another comic.

So we listen to fucking science shit. But we did listen to that one. That's a good one. And I was thinking, because they're going to fucking college ball games and stuff. And, yeah, we're trying to keep Andy. Figuring out how to see if someone's telegraphing a punch from the merch booth. Yeah, what's an average reach of my fan base? We need a merch table two inches wider than that.

Can we do that? The tail of the tape of the fan base? The tail of the tape of the merch booth. Maybe like the Bubble Boy. I could just come out and rolling in a hamster wheel andrew slouch here do you want me to sign that drop it into the slot and i'll sign that slouch no drop it it's staying sloucher yeah junior is the closest we have to any kind of muscle because he used the box but he was he couldn't even stand up in the green you

could tell he wasn't in a firefight mood that no. No, he was singing. He was singing racist show tune parodies. He was singing parody songs that were probably... That sounds fun. Let's just say it was locker room talk and leave it at that. Out the window of the car. With the Jesus guy who ended up following us in his pickup. Yeah, we were chased by Jesus in a truck. Alabama.

in his picture. Yeah, we were chased by Jesus in a truck. Alabama. Yeah, the best was the beginning. It was the second show in Oklahoma City where the... Performance lab. Yeah, we walked out. We were going out to get tacos

or something. You've done Oklahoma City before, right? Yeah. But this was the first time we've been there. It was kind of a gentrified area and a couple of bars around there. Yeah. And I stayed because I ended up selling merch beforehand. But you guys went to a local bar. Yeah, we wanted to get some tacos, and then we hit a local bar down the street.

But we immediately ran into some girl that was all big-tittied, chesty-morgany. Oh, yeah. I don't remember any of this. Oklahoma City hot. I think either you or I said that's going to be a problem. Yeah. Oh, she said, oh, my God. It's like 530 at night. We're nowhere near social hour.

Yeah. And she's alone on the street outside of this bar. And she goes, oh, my God. Dr. Stano, I'm coming to your show. I've got to buy you a drink. Can I buy you a drink? I have to buy you a drink. And I go you a drink. I have to buy you a drink. And I go, we've got to eat.

I'll see you later. Stutter. You know, awkward. And then we walk past, and I go, she's standing there alone. Do we, you know, should we be nice and bring her? But I just couldn't talk. And then I turned around a block, you know, half block past her. And I turned around.

She's with some dude. All right, good. And then they start walking beside us on the other side of the street. I have another part of this story. Go ahead. They were the first ones through the door. Oh, yeah. No, they were out across

the street is that 5 30 at night before the doors were open she was already like no no that's all right and the guys are we're not no one's in here yet we're still not open and she like blew right by the guy and just walked in and they didn't even have security there so they didn't know what to do so they just she had a ticket. So they let her in. Yeah, she just walked into the green room at some point. From the beginning of the show. And on this one, I've been hosting.

And then I bring up Andy. And then I do more time in the middle. And then I bring up Junior or however, vice versa. And then I close at the end with more time. And at some point, she just started talking. She's front row row fucking center with her man and just like it's a conversation and i try to be nice and then i bring another comic out and then i'd come back out and she's right back into it and getting progressively drunker and then i

started getting a little bit more i'm serious fucking lady and the crowd's with you you're like they're they're kind of because you you can handle it i don't usually get involved until it gets to where it ended up getting because usually the crowd is with you in the assessment that hey you're disturbing everyone and then everyone's like fuck come on lady shut up well it built to a point where i'm going into and again this my shit is not worked out well at all. So I'm already skating on thin ice. And I'm doing this, going into a bit about a friend of ours who died of brain cancer. And this is at the end of the show.

And she stands up and starts clapping. So now she's completely shithoused. And I just did the rolling dialogue of, yes, I'm doing a bit about, like, as part of the bit. Yes, I'm doing a bit about a lady. And I'm just going to ignore this fucking giant problem in the room. I don't know. You have the, Chaley has the audio, which we'll probably cut to right around now. A good friend of the show, Laura Kimball, died of brain cancer.

My good friend died of brain cancer. I'm going to see, Laura Kimball, if you listen to the podcast, she did pass away. We had her as a guest. I was wondering how long before this fucking whirlwind black hole of fucking ego would sit the fuck down while I'm saying a good friend of mine died of brain cancer and she's going, look at my dress. Look at my dress. I know I'm not long for this world, but the day I die, I will hate if I die so quickly I'll never see her become ugly and still trying to flaunt. Remember I used to walk through the green room and no one would question me. I'd talk in the front row, remember? I know they're down here now and I know I'm running at the eyes like I just gagged on a cock and I'm all wrinkled

and fetch face remember and then they're not just giving them a quiet down they're just launching her into the fucking dumpster in the back alley make fun always make fun the more tragic

Laura Kimball good friend of mine Laura Kimball, good friend of mine, Laura Kimball, fan of comedy. She'd come to all of our shows. When we were too fucked up to sell merch, she'd sell it for us. She'd come down there. Sit the fuck down! I will, for one bit,

I will have you thrown out and then I'll make the crowd wait while they throw you out. Good night. Good night. Good night. Seriously, she's gone. She's done. She's done.

You're up. Yep. Yeah, Heather, you're up. You don't get to do this. As she's leaving, I just want to remind you. Yeah, you're out. Heather, you're gone. I told you, if you don't sit down as I'm trying to close the show, you're gone.

And now you're gone. And this is what's going to happen. You keep walking her out. No, she's gone. She has to be gone. She has to be gone. For the good of the rule of comedy, if I let her get away with that, she'll get away with that forever. And what's going to happen is now just this last, it's like three sentences I have to say.

It will not live up to the enjoyment you're getting of her being thrown out. But I'm going to close without her fucking monopolizing the stage. Yeah, you gotta go. You did promise you'd buy me a drink at 5.30, so just leave that money at the merch booth. I fucking, yeah, I like, you know what? This is why

you come here live. Because it's way more fun. I got adrenaline from that. But it was like, don't be an asshole. Just David Solomon. I was nice to you on the email with the filming. You didn't know, but I was nice and you were polite right back and I

said... I'm not, I'm not continuing till she's out of the building. I can't see back there. Jaylee, tell me. Oh shit. Oh fuck. There's fucking fist going. God damn it.

Noah, film it. God damn it. You guys film my act, but you don't film when There's fucking fists going. God damn it. Noah, film it! God damn it! You guys film my act, but you don't film when there's fucking fists flying. Good God. Uh, don't. Junior? Alright. No, don't film now.

I gotta do this bit. This has got to actually... Thanks. Are we good? Alright. Okay. Alright. Two quick things.

Laura Kimball, our friend, she died of brain cancer. We had her on the podcast. She's young. She's like 43, and she had kids and stuff, and she had terminal brain cancer, and we talked to her about it. Okay, so you just heard that. I haven't heard it yet. Chaley's putting that in after the fact,

but go ahead. What happens next, Chaley? When she started standing up near the end there, and I mean, it's like a two-hour show. You want to get out of there. Everyone else wants to get out of there. It's time to close up, and you're trying to get out of there, and she just won't. It's relentless.

And Brian, the one security guy there, who I found out he's like MMA or something. Yeah. Very confident dude. I mean, when you said that, I said, oh, fuck, of course. Well, I'm having her thrown out in the last – I had like two minutes or something to go or five minutes. And so I'm like – I have to have you thrown out. He went over there once and told – I go, look –

should I kick her out? I go, look, Doug will take care of it until it gets to that point. And I go, you can give her a warning. He went over and gave her a warning earlier in the show. Now we're at the end of the show, and he's looking at me. You know, like, hey, now? And I go, we're at that point. And show and he's looking at me you know like hey now and i go we're at that point and that's when you're like you're gone you have to leave you have to leave it was the last that's why brian was right there just blown through the bit ignored it

and then everyone's leaving anyway but just on principle no you can't think that you can get away with that you need to be fucking thrown out so you know next time well and basically through threw her out from the merch line because she would have been annoying at the merch it would have just it would exactly right andy it just it would have been she would have been kicked out anyway but now you actually got to give everyone a lesson but i hated to do that to the security guy like uh just do your two minutes and then she'll fuck off anyway but i was backstage and and i saw and then when you finally got her thrown out she had that look on her face like what did i do

oh tried the fake crying yeah well she goes home she's on facebook brian ushered her out without even touching her her man got up too and they all exited out out the front door yeah in fact he like he barely even made any he was doing this thing like kind of this way this way like someone's showing you to your box at the opera this way you know he was very polite he's a very confident guy and he knew it had had someone bumbling or someone just running security because he's a friend it would have been handled totally then they get to the door where they're just about at the fucking fourth and one inches to go and what happens because i'm on she turned around she turned around and said something like is not going through that door said something to her husband and then started punching the husband or the the

boy that the guy she was with and then at that point uh someone else came in and approached the security and then uh someone else helped pull those other people back and then brian's security pulled her out by like grabbed her around her shoulders pulled her outside the boyfriend came out and then once they were outside it was over but there was a scuffle there to where it was getting kind of ugly right right yeah i could they were outside it was over but there was a scuffle there to where it was getting kind of ugly right right yeah i could i could hear it from stage but i could just see silhouettes but all right this is yeah it sounded in the back like a firefight so i just stayed away out and then that's when doug was like now no one's taking video of this yeah everyone's

trying to fucking video my show i don't want any evidence of this fucking poorly worked out material but as soon as some fucking violence happens in the show no one's videotaping including me well it turns out we get home this uh woman heather i remember her name but i don't know the last name she gets on facebook i was uh physically fucking groped she's just making up this whole bullshit story about how she was grabbed and groped by 10 to 15 yeah it started 15 and then as you well i don't check my facebook comments i did that night when i found out that she was talking shit because she told a good friend of hers that she was groped by everyone on the way out and violently removed so the friends

on twitter saying how dare you and this and that and making all these accusations lighten you up yeah as why did you do this to my friend i go we got the fucking audio of the her interrupting a whole fucking show and i'm sure there's a security camera footage it'll prove you wrong well thank god one of the guys that was bootlegging get some fucking footage of her being violently removed by he might have had a top hat yeah and and bowing pointing with his cane yeah so the kid got fucking videotape. White gloves. And everyone that she's, where's this videotape? And then some guy came through with some.

And that woman, she fucking, she stepped up the friend. She apologized. Listen, I believed my friend. And I don't know why she'd tell me that one, obviously. It's fucking great to have proof. Oh, yeah. Because, yeah, well, Shaley finding the chalk in the elevator, that's proof of a crime that was committed.

Otherwise, we wouldn't have known. I like, it's like Trump overuses it or whatever, but having somebody toss is kind of, it's like the only perk of comedy, that and free drinks. But if somebody's fucking with you enough that you get thrown off time or whatever, once in Bellingham, and I was a big pussy back then. Yeah, in Washington. Bellingham, Washington at that Elephant's Castle.

It's a family restaurant. A whole fucking table was heckling me. A big long table, like 15, 20 people. Is it a comedy club? It's a family restaurant with a comedy night. Okay. Elephant's Castle. I think it's dead now.

But it was just like back and forth. Yeah, yeah. Back and forth with this fucking one cunt and another one. And then eventually the whole everybody at the table was giving me shit. And I was like, throw that one out. And then I go, no, you know what? Throw the whole fucking family out because they were a problem.

And I watched three generations get ejected from my show. And probably the only thing I've ever done that I felt good about, really. But yeah, that's a power in comedy. If you're good or a club has got some juiced up bouncers or something, you know. Well, it's not good for the show to have people thrown out. And it's not good for the show to have people thrown out. And it's not good for the performer either. It's better for the performer to be able to handle it

or the club to have a policy and they stick to it. What sucks is when you've got no backup. Well, that night it was perfect because once some shit goes down like that, everyone's testosterone and adrenaline gets worked up and you can't really follow it with comedy. You'll get your digs in as they're going out the door but then they just want more violence blood lust yes i had a uh it's an indian casino and this guy stood up it was when john mccain called his wife a troll up and a cunt or whatever and uh i was talking i don't know that i was i wasn't

disrespecting john mccain but this old troop stood up and goes, John McCain's a great American. And he was looking like he was going to come after me. He was in the front area. And I go, I asked the security guy, do you guys have tasers? And they said no. So then I just started talking him back and moving on, keeping the show going. But if they had tasers, it might have went down. He was a big, squirrely old dude dude and he was looking like he was gonna charge so but you weren't i mean that wasn't a

personalist like nobody got a you know sometimes people get up and they're drunk and then they're like oh fuck this bear's gonna come after me you know what do i do like you know freeze up or run back back when i used to play music that that was my only thing. You can do whatever you want. You can yell. You can, you suck. Play something you know. I mean, I played in Alaska. I played in the bush, all that stuff. But when they get onto the stage or they throw something,

that's when it's over. You know, they can yell whatever they want, and then there's a way to handle that, and you can try and do that, bring it down. But when they get to the stage, it's over. Yeah, I had somebody at Harvey's Comedy Club come up, and it's a packed room, and he's coming up to come after me. Nobody's coming to rescue me.

It's Harvey's Comedy Club. Yeah, there's no bouncers there. He's a surly waitress. I talked him down by saying, you can come up here, but I'm going to smash your head with the mic stand, and he didn't make it to the stage. But that was my plan. It's just to wallop him.

I don't like that plan. It's a horrible plan. I count on the audience to be my bouncers. But never invite someone on stage. No, he was coming. He invited himself. He was coming up, squirreling around, trying to get up there. And I go, good luck finding the fucking way up here,

because it'd take me a couple of minutes, you know? How do I get to the stage? Practice. There practice there's no step yeah go to some open mics he's gonna go to open mics you walk out you can't figure out how to get to the fucking stage ever yeah you can't just come up and beat up a feature without beating up an mc first yeah work you gotta work your way up really positive note, that's probably the best thing that ever happened in their life. Oh, they still talk about it. Oh, that's going to be – they're going to tell their little retarded children that story. Where else?

Easy, we're in Iowa. Oh, the next one was Fayetteville at the Fish House. Yeah. Mermaids. The fish restaurant. Oh, yeah. The Golden Corral pregame. Fayetteville, Arkansas.

It's just fun to say you're playing a fucking seafood restaurant, a fucking oyster house in fucking Fayetteville, Arkansas. I mean, that was a good show. That was great. Andy had a lot. Andy puked. He was puking before the show. Yeah, we went to Golden Corral, and Andy, as we're starting the show,

runs out of the fucking van and starts hurling behind a dumpster. Yeah, I went to Golden Corral, and Andy, as we're starting the show, runs out of the fucking van and starts hurling behind a dumpster. Yeah, I didn't have a set list. That's how I get ready for a show. Well, you get some material out of it. Yeah, say it. Macaroni and cheese burns worse than methamphetamine in your nose

when you throw it up. Something to that effect. The best part of that show was you going to the Motel 6 lobby before we left the next day. Oh, yeah. That was the bug. The cockroach.

Cockroach Motel 6. You had the cockroach suite, and we had the fly room. No, no. We had cockroaches, too. We did. When he said they littered with cockroaches, I thought big cockroaches.

They were small. And I had stepped on a couple I thought were flies. You know when it gets kind of cool out? Well, that's a resilient fly. Look at him. Told you to wear your readers. Yeah, I got my fucking reading glasses on and looked at what I'd been stepping on. I'm like, yeah, he's right.

Holy shit, we're surrounded. And I had cigarette burns in the... This was one of the new the remodel that you see the commercials for i thought maybe the cigarette burns on the bed were a way of somebody trying to kill the cockroaches because there was a lot here's the thing when you drive by the place it looks like it's all done up on the front but they put us on the back side or all these it's the back side is just like scraped Tweakers in the back, working on cars. Yeah, cars on jacks.

Like just around the corner. The backside of the Motel 6, that's the other side of the tracks. A lot of weekly rentals on that backside. But here's Doug's, when he went in there, there's a sign that says you have 10 minutes to check out your room before you have to pay for it. No refunds after 10 minutes. It took us four to get back there check out your room before you, you know, you have to pay for it. No refunds after 10 minutes. It took us four to get back there.

And then you don't, you know, the cockroaches are trained to take it easy for the first six minutes. They work with management. We pull up and this hefty life beaten woman of maybe 25. Yeah. But she's just rolls of dead gray flesh and she's out smoking and around the corner so now she's pissed that we interrupted her cigarette and i said take your time i'm a smoker too i was so fucking nice she never said welcome hello she slapped the fucking thing down for me to sign and have a great day nothing in response

what happened in her fucking day where i just went over the top to be nice and then we get to our rooms and go really this piece of shit she's the type of girl that's mad at life because nobody's exposed themselves to her she She wants some life experience. I went down there at four in the morning. I woke up and there were cockroaches running across. And then I, sure, you jerk off when Junior's sleeping. You know, it's not dirty or anything. But, you know, the area where I laid out some protein

from the Golden Corral or whatever, there was a fucking couple of cockroaches. They were probably eating my protein on the golden crow or whatever uh there was a fucking couple of cockroaches like they were probably eating my protein on the sheets and that made me kind of nauseous so i left and i ran about seven miles it was four in the morning then i went back to the hotel and and i go could i get a room key from her she didn't even look at me no eye contact no uh could i see her id she didn't look up from her sadness. And she gives me a room key.

It was for Doug's room. So if you want to murder anybody at a hotel, just go to the Motel 6 in Fayetteville. Yeah, make sure the camera's burnt out. But other than that, make sure the camera's as burnt out as the staff. So she gave me two room keys without looking at my face. And then that's what Doug, one of of the things you bust into our room i kicked the door because i figured junior is a sound sleeper and i couldn't get the door so i kicked it a couple times and then whoops it's doug's room big mistake and but yeah so so i uh i woke up angry and uh i said pull around to the front

i gotta go to the front desk and address this situation but we're all sitting in the van we're ready we're already thinking down the road like where are we gonna go grab a sandwich or something yeah sometimes the yelp review has to be face to face while the fucking wound is fresh and i went in and i just i don't know what i said you were pointing it was so funny from the from the suburban where you're you're you know at first it's like it's like you know oh shit you know we're looking from the van i was going like a fucking baptist preacher yeah i'm like are you fucking serious first of all this first of all i couldn't be nicer to you i don't know what your problem is i don't know why you sell this shit do you know

what's going on in the back you got a fucking landscaping company and her big pumpkin she's just thinking he sounds a lot like my stepdad what did she say she goes oh i try not to go back there yeah i don't get back there very much. I'm like, how could I be nicer to you? You give out fucking room keys. You were doing something to the signage. Anyone without an ID? There was a sign. Oh, yeah.

And all we're seeing is you waving your arms. And that was the sign. Yeah, you picked it up. That was the sign that said the 10-minute rule. And I go, I'm going to write on this because of cockroaches. I got a Sharpie from the night before. I'm trying to tear it out of the holder so I can write, and then finally

she just grabs it away from me. Leave my sign alone. I want that sign now. Are we going back through Arkansas? Never. Yeah, me neither. I felt good about myself. We were fucking dying in the car laughing.

One thing that happened the night before at Mermaids, we had pretty much a sold-out show. I'm pretty sure it was close to it. Fucking Bert Kreischer was coming up at the Mermaids. He's going to be there on the 28th. Okay, so we have time to put this out? Doug goes, yeah, yeah. Don't stay at the Motel 6, Bert.

Doug goes up, and you start the show, and you do a good chunk in the front, and within the first 14 minutes, I had the producer of the show come over and say, ah, how do you handle refunds? And I looked at him, and I look at my watch, and I go, okay, they got up. They got up from

for the listener you have to understand i'm going up i'm doing a headlining time but i'm doing it in three different chunks so i don't have to fuck with segues while i'm working on new stuff but this is my first chunk i haven't even got to anything offensive they haven't seen junior or andy they get up during my first hosting. 33 minutes. 33 minutes was your, 33 minutes and two seconds. If I was Letterman, they walked out during the monologue. You need to have a sign that says you have 10 minutes to get a refund. Yes.

10 minutes. After that, nothing. But what I was like, I look at my watch, he goes, hey, how do you handle refunds? I look at my watch, 14 minutes. That means someone got up, like came into the show, sat show sat down watched enough and then got up and then found someone to complain to and then that person found me and it's only been 14 minutes total you know that as hot button issue where there's one subject i touched on that made one of the couple

fucking very angry just Just the subject. It's not because they don't like this show. Yeah. There's something I said. You were pretty. But I said, after I looked at my watch, I said, we don't. Yeah, there's no refunds. He goes, do they need to contact Brown Paper Tickets?

I go, no, we don't give refunds. And I go, you go ask the your other guy i think was uh tony that was right yeah tony and i go ask him how he wants to handle it but that's not our that's not our thing how many movies would get made anymore if you could get a refund oh i i one one time i was uh i was at a different movie. I went to, before that movie, I was in Brokeback Mountain for a bit. And there was a small audience there. But when they got to the man-on-man, I got up. Oh, this is disgusting.

And I walked out. But I should have gone to the front and complained, tried to get my money back. I didn't know there was going to be homosexuality in this movie. Well, still, I mean, how much research did this person do when they sat down in your show? Because that's what the guy ended up saying. It's like, you know what?

There's no refunds, and you should do a little bit more research before you go to something. We just wanted to go out to comedy like they were going to Chuckle Buckets or something. Yeah. Tickets are like 30 bucks or something. You'd think. Hey, cheaper than our $40 lesson. Yeah. Tickets are, you know, when you compare it to the price of chalk these days tickets are reasonable and a better time it lasts longer yeah unless you got other stuff i was gonna skip right to chattanooga because that

that's where it started getting uh ugly squirrely for us. We do have to say, I think Gigi Allen had that same problem. Oh, I'd like to see a rock and roll show today. Is it Chuck Berry and the Big Bopper? We did go to the Big Chill in Hot Springs, Arkansas, and they really took care of us. Oh, fucking Hot Springs was great. What a great bar. You did not want to leave.

I didn't want to do a show. It's like that place we went to in Wisconsin that had the swings outside where you just walk into the bar, you go, fuck a show. I just want a day drink, night drink, and keep drinking at this bar. It's perfect. They set us up nice. They give us our own bar for a green room with our own bartenders. Smoking bar.

Yeah, smoking bar. Completely. And then that was where the after part well that's where we did the merch and then they opened it to the public so then now you're sitting in there basically sequestered in a smoking bar after show with everyone else who could smoke yeah it's like the 80s yeah the big chill in hot springs that's the first time we ever went to hot springs we'll we'll go back there uh maybe hopefully without a show or with a day off after i forget the bartender we had back there he's one of the owners he was the owner yeah

yeah great guy yeah uh roger clinton stories we did the we did the new daisy after that memphis memphis nice yeah they actually remodeled that which was shocking because it it looked great and they always take good care of us there we stayed pretty close to the original mlk boulevard Yeah, they actually remodeled that, which was shocking because it looked great. And they always take good care of us there. We stayed pretty close to the original MLK Boulevard in Memphis. Oh, that's right. We had to go to Beale Street, that fucking Hooters. You're on Beale Street. It's like going to Bourbon Street and then you go to TGI Fridays on Bourbon Street. TGI Fridays. Because, yeah, the live music was Sunday afternoon,

and every bar has Delta Blues bands playing. And we want football. And the only place that had football on all the screens was Hooters. And I felt like such a stooge. It was awful. But I wanted football. But we're the type that Hooters doesn't affect. We're too old and not enough horny.

Pretty nice eye candy, though. Not horny. Yeah, Junior was, you know, he's the only guy who's of the age where he can get an erection without an asterisk attached to it. But he also has to take advantage of his eyes. He can watch two different games at the same time without moving his head. I could watch three Hooters waitress have sex and not get interested. Well, they had no interest in us.

Yeah. Yeah, it was awful. Zydeco was Birmingham. Zydeco, Birmingham. I'm going in order here. Chattanooga. Chattanooga that's my favorite day drinking bar

now that our place down in Treasure Island the Tiki bar T-Bird yeah the rest of the hotel went to shit the restaurant's closed remember last time we went the Tiki bar is still there but they had an inside bar it's still good but my favorite

day drinking bar attached to a hotel is the Days Inn, the office bar at the Days Inn in Chattanooga. With the city diner attached. Six or eight bar stools and four or five tables and a jukebox. Quickest bartender of all time.

It was great. We got there. The bartender has got some funny patter and it's just one-on-one and then doug invites the whole audience and jams up the bar honestly uh that was she i told her becker is the only bartender i know better than she had her shit together she knew everyone's names as soon as andy comes in it's four in the afternoon she knew someone else's name and she oh you should meet her like she doesn't know either of you she's trying to wingman hookups at 4 30 in the afternoon yeah she was trying to hook me up with a filipino lady she had like two regulars with wheelchairs

somehow she got that clientele you don't know if they're regulars because she asked your name immediately because they id everyone she She remembers everyone's name. So you think everyone's a regular. You feel like a regular and just watching her work. And I go, listen, I don't want to do it, but I can fill this place after the show. I like to drink here alone because it's empty. And you can smoke. And she goes, oh, yeah, fucking definitely. Yeah, it was like a stress test and she hammered

away she got all the you know i could i could tell the regulars yeah after the show when we were there they're the ones with the sour pusses oh yeah they were yeah yeah we put them in their place for a night because it was like a four fucking clowns in a phone booth. That kind of jam packed. Every corner. They ruined their favorite bar. For one night. It wasn't even like you walked anywhere. It's just you change body angles and there's somebody, hey, I got to get a picture with you or whatever.

And then somebody gave me LSD, a drop of it on my hand and I licked it. I didn't, I kept thinking I was, oh, I'm going down the tunnel. He's been doing a lot of like. Where do you get the time to do all this and run in the morning? Well, why do you think I run? He's been doing a lot of like... Where do you get the time to do all this and run in the morning? Well, why do you think I run?

He was doing morphine that he got in Amarillo and he thought he was proud. He waited three days to do it. It's a personal best. It's a garbage pill unless you like them. But yeah, but also, but I used LSD. Mother enjoyed them. Yeah, yeah.

She was a bit of a glutton on those. Oh, but I started, I thought I was going to start hallucinating or I was going to, oh, here we go, it's acid. And then I didn't really trip, but then when people would come up and talk to me, they'd go, hey, could I get a picture? And I'd go, did you take, what, what? And then I would wander off like, oh, it's a perfect. Faking a trip.

Faking a trip to get out of a selfie. perfect uh faking a trip faking a trip to get out of a selfie uh that uh oh i remember that bar because we kept going outside and then the miami the manager would kick us kick us inside to smoke yeah it was so cramped in there that i would go outside to smoke to get away from fucking people and then they'd all eventually come out so there'd be 20 people outside all yelling and yeah there's people trying to complain days in i got there's i had a joint and i was smoking it and then uh some guy goes hey could i hit that and then go yeah yeah sure and then the manager comes out and he goes hey what are you smoking out here and i go god damn it why did you know well the first time i was at that bar maybe one of the first times

uh i was day drinking i was with bingo and there's only like four people in the bar and the guy i'm sitting next to we're just shooting his shit and it's a couple hours we said uh he kept talking about florida and i it came up that i'm a comedian and he he's like, wait, are you Doug Stanhope? And he was this guy that we know we used to play his bars. Bingo and I did, he owns a titty bar in Florida. This guy was a doorman the night that Bingo and I did this charity porn star poker tournament with Ginger Lynn. And he was the doorman there.

He might've been a guy that hooked us up, uh, with chalk. Yeah. I'm looking. Anyway, the point is I go, we sat there for two hours,

not knowing that we know each other. And, uh, then we come back. Now he's the manager of the place. He was just a drunk at the bar. Now he runs the place. Let that be a lesson to anybody working the door.

You know, he was nice, even though they were kicking us out because it was a hotel. We were outside and there was a large amount of people and he would just make us go inside, which smokers thrown inside the bar for smoking cigarettes. If you guys going to smoke, you got to get in the bar. That was Chattanooga was a new place for us. smoking cigarettes? If you guys are going to smoke, you've got to get in the bar. You've got to get in the bar. Chattanooga was a new place for us. It was the Honest Pint. That venue was kind of really cool. We were scared when we walked in because it had the high ceilings

and the balcony. But no, it was a fucking good show. That was their first, once again, a stress test. That was their first comedy show. And then they've got like Billy Wayne Davis is on the 18th. Kyle Kinane. I think it's already over. Kyle Kinane's show. But they've got it. Yeah, they're starting to do comedy show. And then they've got like Billy Wayne Davis is on the 18th. Kyle Kinane. I think it's already over. Kyle Kinane's show. But they've got it. Yeah, they're starting to do comedy there.

Yeah, on a regular basis. Well, the problem was we started drinking at 4, whatever, 4.30 or something. When the bar opened. Yeah, the best day drinking bar is not good for the show. We did get through the show. Thank you, Ritalin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't forget our sponsors. Big Pharma. Yeah, all the accusations of Trump doing coke at the debates. Has he not discovered Adderall? Yeah, maybe he was tired. It's like sniffling. Yeah, does anyone mention that maybe Donald Trump was tired

and he needed to get a pick-me-up for the gig? Come on. So here's the problem. Chattanooga, we have to go with that all-day, all-night drinking hangover into Nashville where we're staying at Ralphie May's house. Thank you, Ralphie May. Yeah.

You're a beautiful, kind-hearted, over-enlarged hearted... Amazing barber. He has a jar of weed that's bigger than his heart. And that's pretty big. So we do have to say thank you to Aaron because he's the one who got the connect to get Bird Cloud on stage that night at Zany's.

Last minute, but Aaron helped us out. If you haven't, just Google search Vodka Soda Berg by Bird Cloud, and you'll see why we immediately fell in love with these two ladies. Ladies. Ladies. Fucking one time you listen to Bill Burr, and it drifts right into your own podcast.

It's like the new Hedberg. You work with Hedberg, you talk like Hedberg. Junior, you were listening to Little Bill Bird. Did it rub off on you a little? I don't think so. Not at all. Nobody ever asked for it either. We'll have you do a commercial.

We'll tape it later. Yeah, and Ralphie, he's a comic, so you can show up hungover. Yeah, I got into this. Sit in his house he knows you don't have to talk he knows that you're not going to be social till later he's not either i got into a roast battle with ralphie may that he actually fucking dominated it was a pot roasting party back and forth yeah andy at one point it's just like we chain smoke cigarettes they're fucking hitting the bong oh yeah and andy

at one point says oh i thought i could keep up with yeah i was spitting phlegm like i had mono green chunk i never seen andy go no more drugs yeah i've never seen him yeah the problem is is ralphie has a bigger pumpkin capacity for weed and i was trying to go shot for shot or whatever in my yeah it's just not as much room for the smoke. But Bird Cloud, that's the first time I met him. Someone sent me the link for Bird Cloud. We hooked up on the internet. They're coming to the house to play some music.

But I thought they were on the road. They go, oh, we're going to be in Nashville. That's where they live. They come over to Ralphie's. They're fucking cool as shit. Everything the video makes you think about them, they live up to. Yeah, they're us. They're definitely us.

I can travel with them. Yeah, and one of them is the Chaley. One of them is sober. Wait. I'm sure the other one. Nah, one of them was more sober wait which one there's always someone more sober the one who smeared lipstick all over her face and had it on in the morning was the sober one well i guess it's like a rouser on andrews yeah it's hard exactly

yeah yeah when andrews had to take care of rouse well i wouldn't call andy the sober one when we when i did the tour with junior and sean and my goal my goal was, I don't want Sean to be on drugs or whatever, and then the first night, in a blackout, me and Sean are doing heroin and smoking meth. Yeah. So I guess I'm not a good tour manager. Or I'm a really good tour manager. One of you was more sober.

That was me. Well, no, I mean, between me and Sean that night, which one of us do you think was the more... No, that's never a battle. That's like asking a conjoined twin. Or asking somebody, which one of the conjoined twins would you rather fuck? I was going to say that Nashville was was our worst show it was one of

my worst but then there was last night but we'll get well yeah yeah last night was after nashville was nashville i just i wasn't put together but bird cloud came out and uh opened the show with vodka oh and ralphie may kill too ralphie may was Way better live. Well, they had an early show. This was on a weeknight. So they had an early show with some internet. Darren Knight. Darren Knight, the country mama's boy, or I don't know. He's some internet sensation.

So they have to flip the room. YouTube hero. They have to flip the room for a late show, which is already late enough, but it went really late. And now we have Bird Cloud opening with a song. Me, Junior, Ralphie May goes out, and he does a bunch of time. It was fucking great. But then me, and then Andy, and then me.

And it's just, that was the, I had to pay Chaley to not do merch that night. And it's just, I had to pay Chaley to not do merch that night. But Nashville always, it's horrible because we always sell merch on the sidewalk like fucking MC Hammer because there's no real place to do it in the club. I love the club, but there's no real merch area. I remember when I, it was nobody and I had my first CD. I could do it because I just sit there at the ticket booth. It's not a big line. Everyone does it out on the sidewalk. I'm just picturing MC Hammer with a table of

big pants and old discs. I don't think he sells a lot of merch. Yeah, so that was... I thought it was a good show. Louisville was the next day and it was a week ahead of time where we're looking ahead going, oh shit. Louisville was the next day, and it was a week ahead of time where we're looking ahead going, oh, shit, Louisville's going to stink.

But I didn't know. We know we're going to day drink at that bar. We can't say no. And we didn't even know that bartender, the last bartender. Wait, what are you talking about? What I'm saying, when we looked ahead and saw Chattanooga Day Bar, Nashville, Ralphie May and Bird Cloud. Radley Balco didn't even hang out.

He came to the show. He didn't even hang out. But I'm saying, oh, there's some thunder at that. That's two days of fucked up. But we got through Louisville. Yeah, Louisville was all right. What was the venue there? The old Comedy Caravan. It's the Laughing Derby Comedy Club.

So a third time there in most recent, since I've been with you, Doug, it's our third time there and it's the third set of owners. And these guys are the same ones

who own the other venue, They're really, really nice. Yeah. He said, I'm sure he was joking or if he wasn't, he goes, if you fuck one of the waitstaff,

you'll get booked back quicker. No, that was in Indianapolis. Oh, it was? That's Morty's. Oh, that's okay they also the owners also own that part maybe the policy yeah well indy was after louisville and indy was that's the first time i've worked an actual comedy club in indy and it's morty's and i i pictured it like the laughing derby or even this place small it's fucking huge not huge two-story and everyone looks down from the balcony the best seat in the house is straight back second story you look great view and uh it's a mexican restaurant usually yeah that place it looked like going in it was gonna be

awful yeah but it was actually really good yeah and they've been doing comedy they've just been there since april they just moved to that location this was the first time another stress test hate indiana is the worst state i stand by that i tell you that when i tell you i like your town don't think i say that everywhere because if i say you're the worst i open with it you should host a show called bar stress cue and rip off taffer and you just go in and create a situation. Morty's, that was their first time they'd ever had to process 300 tickets at the door. That was the biggest show they'd had

since they opened in April because they moved from another location. Oh, I didn't know that. Maybe that's why. Maybe someone told me they were in a small place. Yeah. Because I always pictured it small. I know Henry plays there a lot. Yeah. Rogan was there was at morty's in 2010 but not at that venue they were at a smaller place back then but uh yeah no that

was a lot of fun i fucking hate indie i i said it on stage we've played so many different bars in that town in every part of the town and it's always that same suburban sprawl and i go this is urban sprawl without a center it's a fucking donut of like there's no place in indy it's just all that same spread out i forgot it as soon as we got there but i went and got some colt socks because i needed a pair of socks and i did the spinal tap thing on stage. I go, thank you, Louisville. And then, ah, and I had to look at my socks. Indianapolis, yeah, the forgettable city. That was the first night.

I think Morty's was the first night where, like, we changed the lineup and we put Junior first. Yeah. It's Jay Cutler or Hoyer at this point. Andy actually. This is going to be the worst fucking season. Nah, we'll get some wins. We'll get them late in the season. We got one win.

I'm happy. But Andy was actually thinking of a set. It was odd. And Junior, like moving forward, he kind of pushed him a little bit because he was more used to a more settled crowd. And that was the night. I thought that was the first really, really good night. Good. I got to listen to these fucking tapes and all i remember was the those hookers around the like at night oh at the hotel really different oh yeah that was a bit you

had it was just rednecks well there were i think there was i think it was housekeeping that doubled down wait was that pure oh no that was indie where we yeah that hotel we had to go outside to smoke and uh but the hookers are right outside yeah she complimented you and junior on something and then i'm like hey what about me and then then i realized they were yeah we're coming back from the show and one of them said they complimented my outfit and then they said something his hair junior's hair and then i'm like say you fuck my asshole you look like you have a big dick, and you go, no, I have a very small dick. Who, I didn't know that. It was something like that.

I mean, I wouldn't say that because it's wrong. Well, it was something to say no, we're not interested. I remember that we had to smile. We're not shopping. We're smoking. Yeah, but to go outside and smoke, you have to. They can't not know and this is the patel motel mafia which we've run into at least half of this tour they own every fucking

the patel's own every fucking econo lodge super eight america's best quality that's the last name patel yeah but they were also here my theory was because they were in the they were still working in the morning like you know who does that but i think they were still working in the morning. Like, you know, who does that? But I think they were housekeeping that just had a night gig. Because, you know, why not? You probably have a room. No, no, they were there all day. Junior and I know because we smoked.

They were there from the beginning. Then we checked in early until the next day. They were still out there. I had to throw away three tabs of ecstasies that someone had fucking shuffled into my pocket the night before and i was tempted the morning of a day off too because we had to drive really yeah you don't want but there were three girls out there while we were leaving it but the fucking pimp dude was sitting at the other bench and i wanted to figure out how to sneak i put it in a empty uh club soda can i

found in the room you should have went to the pimp. I was debating, do I try to smuggle this? Because we can't do this until we get home. Or do I try to give it to those three girls to try to at least make their whoring day a little brighter? But that guy's standing over there watching them, and I know what's going on. So I just threw it away. If you would have went to the pimp though and go do you want something to make these uh fucking tired old bags a little

more appealing well maybe next time it's hunting season yeah they got to have a little more pep my favorite guy was it was probably chalk my favorite guy was the befuddled construction worker who kind of recognized you and he had like eight things in his head at once. At that bar next door. He's like, are you, there's a Hooters here. The yard line. You look just like, he looked like a tweaker. I thought he was coming to jack me up for a fucking spare change or a cigarette.

And he walked over and he was laughing because of my fucking suit, I assume. I was wearing the fucking beautiful orange with the plaid wool pants. And he walked over laughing and then he goes, wait, you look like shit. Oh, and he looks tweaked out of his head. He goes, are you a comedian? What's your name? And I'm just nodding, shaking my head no not giving it up no and he goes think but you know who you look like you know who's the guy and i go

and he's like i listen to joey coco diaz his podcast the church of what's happening now and i go i don't know mad flavor either and he goes oh and then he like he almost he like had a panic fit yeah and then uh i said hey i'm doug nice to meet you and he walked away like a fucking zombie like a walker and he just walked this is afternoon before the show just walked oh i walked, put his earbuds back in. I think he said, that's gangster. That's so gangster. He put his earbuds in and just started walking aimlessly through the parking lot.

But then we realized, oh, he had a bright orange shirt on. And Andy said, I think that guy jacked me up in the morning this morning when I went out for a run. And I go, was he wearing a bright orange T-shirt? then i realized a construction crew was staying in the hotel next door everyone's wearing a fucking bright orange there's a lot of road crews where we are yeah everywhere we go there's a construction crew oh nothing's getting built i thought a lot of guys i thought they were just vagrants on the street they were actually. Well, you put an orange shirt on them and that's a job. But they are basically what you said.

After Indy, we went to Jukebox. Peoria, we've covered. Yeah, he went to the fucking thing that night. We had a show that was up against the debates and for some reason, we were all giddy for these debates. Yeah, nervous. Shit had come out of our trunk.

The second one, the town hall. But it's right after the tape of him comes out. Then he brings all the Bill Clinton's accusers. He wanted to put them in the front row. The press conference before. It was like a pre-fight.

We watched football all day, bored in the hotel. Football. All of a sudden, we get all giddy. Yeah, no, I asked Doug because I started feeling really nervous. We're listening to the pregame in the radio, and I don't know who I was nervous for, maybe America, but just going, whoa, fuck, and then I asked Doug, and he had the same thing.

We're both nervous about the debate starting. And they had a TV with a DVR? They had a TV in the green room. Yeah, I was off my game that night because i was just so into the debates i'd run back out to phone in some shit who zinged who but uh yeah it was a zing off i'm sorry so uh let's wrap up yeah we got a show uh st louis yeah we're in cedar falls we have a rap cedaredar Rapids. We were at 2720 Cherokee. It's kind of like an event center.

It's been there a while. We were there two years ago. I like it. I like it. That was last night. No, two nights ago. I don't know where the fuck we've been. We were at Rock Island last night.

Cherokee was a good show. Cherokee's always great. Solid fun. And you put that girl up on Tree. Oh, Tree was great. Yeah. Blue-haired Tree. I want to do that more often.

Well, you did it last night. You did it last night to lesser effect with the stinky. Oh, Gary Menke. Yeah, that was funny. So last night was Rock Island Brewery. Yeah, calling out a new comic when you meet a new comic. I shouldn't even say this. Well, you met – she was in a –

Yeah, she was sitting next to us in a Mexican restaurant where we were pre-gaming, watching the baseball, hiding out. And then she was the only other person at the bar and she had blue hair. And she didn't talk to us. And as we're leaving to go to the show, paid our tab, she says, she just handed me a sketch she'd been sitting there sketching and it was uh it just said have a good show with a cartoon character of a hippie guy and i went oh fuck thanks and she found out she's a comic she was giving her tickets to someone else

yeah and uh oh yeah i had a ticket i'm just bringing it to another comic friend he's gonna use it because the comic that bought it is sick and can't go. And I go, well, we'll get you into. And then I found out her name and stuff, and I just brought her up as the first act. She wasn't even backstage at that point. No, she was in the audience. So I got her name and knew she did comedy and did. Hey, we're just to make this fun for us.

We've been trying to fuck off as much as we can yeah i don't think we're as creative as we used to be it's just you have a i think it's the your fan base knows what to expect in the good old days there was anarchy and and uh people you know like the firefight guy was a one of many on a regular night yeah yeah no it used to be fucking brutal your your acceptance has ruined it but that's what i'm saying i think that it's uh so much different now but then when you listen to tom and bill burr and chrysler talk about their road and it's hiring a party bus to go to a thing and then they catch the game and there's no there's no fisticuffs or crazies being drug up by their

fucking head i'll bet they actually get we're letting people down by there's only a little bit of that doug and i look at each other when we get into one of the suites it's like we could have fucking put four people in here it's it's it's not really the comfort and no no we don, we don't spend a lot of money. No. Andy and Junior, they shack up together. I shack up with Chaley. Yeah, so St. Louis was good.

And Rock Island. Rock Island. Up against a Cubs game. Oh, no, no. Rock Island. It's just the venue's not right for comedy, yet somehow because of our history there, I forget to tell Hennigan, no, no, that's not it.

There's standing people on a dance floor in front of sitting people that are in booths that are diner booths, so if you want to sit there, you'd be sitting backwards, and then there's another bar that you can kind of see split. It's fucked, and we just, yeah, that's where I melted down. Look, they love you there. That's where we did fake improv at the end,

where we just kept asking for suggestions and never did anything. I can play that right now if you want. No, no, no. We're in Cedar Rapids. There's a few nights left, but then I think we're going to do some California shit. I don't know who's coming with me. I don't know.

We got to get home and get to a party. We're going to do Des Moines. We're going to do Lincoln, Nebraska. We're going to do Wichita and Tulsa, and then we are going home. We're going to have a fucking nice private party. Sorry, I had to uninvite some people because there's reasons. It's not you.

Sometimes it is. I don't know. That's it. Bird Cloud. Play him out. We're going to play Bird Cloud out. Vodka Soda Berg. You have to see the video. I'm not with.

Here's showtime. Andy Andrus Bird Cloud out. Vodka Soda Berg. You have to see the video, though. That's what we just filled our cups with. Yep. And here's Showtime. Andy Andrist, Junior Stopka, Greg Chaley. Hello. Five more shows. Lady. We're Bird Cloud. Yeah, buddy.

We're from Nashville, Tennessee. Where are you from? One, two, ready, go. Well, I was sober as a judge walking around Williamsburg. judge walking round Williamsburg. You know they ought to rename this place Vodka Soda Bird. Cause I've been drinking with they homos and they say that they ain't homos but they look like one to me.

I got 25 bucks to blow And vodka's soda bird Yeah, that's five drinks if I buy five And don't leave a tip Yeah, that's ice and that's vodka And that's soda, no lime. Don't put no bullshit straw into it. Just now starting to get right and vodka's so diverse. My brain is feeling sparkly, wow

Oh, my so isopropiate alcohol Everything is clear to me now Well, I met a local man in vodka soda bird Him a self-described hopeless romantic Him gonna buy me another drink He must be retarded And go back to his fucking pad alone in Bushwick

and I went home with a mulatto oh yeah he had somebody called Snow and that's why and he wrote a song about me oh no I was lucky to be alive

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh no, I was lucky to be alive. I threw up and moseyed on back to vodka soda bird. All the bartendersenders they all hate my fucking guts I was just trying to get my time to shine All the girls turning into bitches

spending $300 on a dress just trying to get fucked. And this is where I get off. Oh yeah, I'm probably never going to stop. Because I can't, I said I'm never going to stop. No way, I said I'm never going to stop. Stop.

Stop, stop. I was a sad sack of shit walking around Williamsburg. Just like all the residents that live in Williamsburg. Man, I... Here to begin with, and no one ever... So vodka, soda, burg. Could I please be anywhere else in the world except for here? Hell yes. Now our friends are going to come perform and be insane.

Everybody, welcome to the goddamn stage. The best motherfucker we know, Doug, stand up! pace yourself keep Junior a little bit water down his drinks Andy you can't control don't bother oh I'm sorry that was Bird Cloud.