The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #173: (F)Arts Festival Hangover with Birdcloud in their Underpants

Episode Date: October 28, 2016

(Photo by Morgan Murphy)     Hungover at the (F)Arts Festival in Bisbee, AZ with Birdcloud and anyone else who wandered in to the FunHouse.TICKETS ON SALE Nov.1st for "Doug Stanhope / Joe Rogan End Of The World Election Night Podcast" at the Comedy Store in LA Nov. 8th, 2016.Recorded Oct 20, 2016 at the (F)Arts Festival in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Birdcloud (@Birdcloud), Henry Phillips (@Henlips), Anthony Jeselnik (@AnthonyJeselnik), Andy Andrist (@AndyAndrist), Brett Erickson (@BrettNotBrent), Tom Konopka (@TomKonopka) & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and edited by Chaille.LINKS:Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Opening and closing songs by Birdcloud recorded live in the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ - Oct 20, 2016.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, uh, we're hungover and here's Bird Cloud out in the parking lot in the shape of Africa. Black Jack wrecked my Cadillac, bought a present for my nose, and I tore off all my clothes. And then I went down on a rodeo clown while the bulls all watched and gathered around. Man, man Keepin' trippin' on shrimps Cussin' at the moonlight Flowers for Algernon Ran down to the Parthenon Something wrong with your marble ding-dong

Took some speed to calm me down And I'll never fuck beside it again Man Took some speed to calm me down and I'll never fuck this sighted again Man Sang CCR after huffing gasoline Threw a potato salad on the karaoke machine Told my friends kids and I wasn't real Are you interested in boobies yet? Do you wanna feel one?

Man Man Man Man Man Man. Man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Third cloud in their underpants. I just did what every fucking audience member does, where I took a picture and tweeted it while they played so I didn't hear

the fucking song because it's fucking asshole. Sorry. Sometimes everybody I hate. That's alright. I'm angry because they made me laugh when I'm this hungover. I don't really know what to feel. I never got to hungover.

I took an Adderall to power through with a smile last night and it just kept going. So it was 5.30 in the morning by the time I went to bed, and I think I woke up the first time at like 10 to 7. But you could feel just the heat rising off of you, and it really is heat. I've had those hangovers where you put on sunglasses and they fog up, and you go, oh, it just felt like that, but it really is that.

Science. Joby made breakfast. He disappeared. We're supposed to do porn and eggs in an hour, and we don't have any eggs. I mean, we have them. I'm just going to give people eggs raw. Yeah, here's porn and here's your egg. You cook it yourself after you do the dishes.

I told Joby we were going to pass the hat for Joby last night because he cooked pasta for fucking 40 people. And I go, we should pass the hat. Like, we never do that. We're going to have a tip jar installed behind the bar hanging like a fishbowl. Like a planter, but it'll be upside down.

But Joby really did go out of his way last night, and I can't pass that, so I just gave him a $100 bill. I go, we passed the halfway last night, and this is all we got. It's a $100 bill.

No, no, no. I go, no, everyone chipped in. And this is all we got. It's a $100 bill. That's better than... No, no, no. I go, no, everyone chipped in. That's better than what I did. I pointed out to him, how does it feel to cook a bunch of people who are obviously on speed of some sort because nobody's fucking eating?

Yeah, it was very speedy, that party. Night one. This is night two at noon. There better be speed at this party or I'm going to make it. Well, if there was, Andy already stole it and took it. No, actually,

Jet brought a bottle of Ritalin from Mexico. That's what I was handing out last night. Yeah, that's what I ate last night. Bird Cloud, you brought moonshine. Yeah.

I was going to drag you in, but Andy just fucking stole your thunder. Sorry. I didn't know you were introducing it. You weren't there. The seat was open. Andy Andrus, Chad Shank, Jay Lee, Bird Cloud, other people. Henry Phillips is here.

Are you fucking recording, you motherfucker? You don't record the podcast. That's why we don't do it live. Is this a vine? What's going on? We might say something inappropriate. Hopefully. Likely. Kenny fucking...

Castle Rock Kenny. Yeah, it was just no... We had the open stage last night, and no one was going up to it, and it was getting close. We had to shut down outside by 10. And he's on the verge of vomiting, being nervous. Oh, all the time.

Plus the moonshine. If you tell Kenny that he's going to rap for the Super Bowl weekend, eight months out, he's pukey. He's nervous. He's going to walk around with a notebook, work months out, he's pukey. He's nervous. He's got to walk around with a notebook, work shit out with you, then you rewrite it and it's funny.

Bird Cloud, I go, if you go up and do a song, then everyone will go up. Bird Cloud went up, did two songs, crushed it, and Kenny went right up. He's like, okay, now I can go up. He did his raps and he fucking killed. Yeah, he did good.

You see, Bird Cloud doesn't know the Kenny we know, who's just a goofus doofus. Nice guy, but ridiculous. So when he raps, to us it's funny. But when he kills it like that, you go, he's actually good. It's hard

to admit, but he is good. He had a DJ last night. Randall made some loops for him. I think that helped him, too. There's the same thing over and over. When he could find the loop. Yeah, that was kind of a train wreck. Kenny in the middle of a fucking spitting rhymes,

and then you stop and go, hang on, this is not the right fucking beat. Hang on, I'm going to just keep talking. That was what made it perfect. It's charming. Andy, did you sleep at all? No, not yet. But I don't think the Ritalin is really something I like much. But I'll tap another.

I got one more, and then I'm out. I'm done. I get text messages at like 4.30 in the morning from Suzanne going, Andy's in my window. I guess Andy's out. It's like when we leave the gate open and Henry gets out. I guess Andy got out. You should have been more specific when you said,

Andy, you can sleep down there on Van Dyke or Black Knob. No, Ali stayed at her house. We went tubbing, me and Ali. No, Ali was already tubbing, and you joined in. No, they weren't. He's the anti-wing man. Let me help you with this, Ali. I've done it before.

I'll take it from here. I got a big closer. Oh, shit. Erickson has a story. Erickson's here. Erickson, you got a story? Hey, come tell us your story, because I don't know where to go with this fucking thing. Yeah.

And everything I do is to steal pills. That's my motivation. I'll do whatever, but I need the pills. Except for the Riddler. We're at Erickson. Okay. This, first of all, last night, speed it out on pills,

but knowing, when you know that you're that drunk, but you have clarity, I should be, I'm fucking hammered, and I'm talking to you like sober as a fucking, I was sober as a judge sorry it's bird cloud vodka soda burl find it on itunes i started this erickson uh this morning last night chaley says if you want to do that hangover podcast you keep talking about you gotta do it saturday not sunday because sunday you'll be football be fucked up i know no one's gonna want to do it and then chad

shank goes if you do it you call me give me 30 minutes you call me i go you're not gonna want to do it he goes i won't but i don't want to be left out call me that's true so uh yeah when i woke up and we started mimosas i go fuck it i'll call their bluff and here we are erickson with a beard yeah you caving into the brennan walsh tom segura burke kreischer crowd uh yeah well i'm getting fat enough brett not brent is fat hashtag yeah yeah it's LA baby what was the story oh the story

don't worry we can take long breaks in the middle of a podcast Shaylee will edit out the silence I have a new phone hang on the bird cloud are here in their tighty whities but Jasmine

tucks her button down shirt into her tighty whities and that's that's the only creepy thing about it creepy hot looks damn good that looks pretty fucking awkward creepy hot. Looks damn good. That looks pretty fucking awkward. Yeah.

Yeah. Go ahead. Sorry. So last week I was sitting at a Starbucks at an outside patio and I was having my pumpkin spice frappuccino. Let me just back up and say, Chad, you're right. We are gentrifying the funhouse

with all these Hollywood fucks. I told you last night. Starts out with a Starbucks pumpkin latte story. It's critical to the story. This party had a very L.A. vibe to it last night. It was a shame. Yeah, we networked. Did some networking.

And so I'm sitting at this patio and I have my iPad and a notebook and my phone and my backpack. Everything's fucking spread out and I'm sitting there. Seven chargers. Yeah.

And all of a sudden, and all of a sudden, this arm comes over my shoulder and grabs my phone and fucking takes off. This 15-year-old kid fucking reached over my shoulder, grabbed my phone off of the table, and took off running. Was he wearing tighty-whities with his shirt tucked in? No, I'd remember for sure. So yeah, this little fucker stole my phone,

and I was wearing my standard LA gear, pajamas. Members only jacket? Yeah, pajamas and socks with flip flops. So I'm like, hey, you fucking stole my phone. And he just took off. As though he didn't know he stole your phone. Oh shit, I'm sorry. So yeah, so then I fucking kicked off my flip-flops

and chased him down Melrose Avenue. Stepped on a pop-top, cut your heel, had to cruise on back home? Yeah. Without my phone. So you didn't catch him? I did catch him. You did? I caught him. I ran after him until he fucking gave up and stopped running.

Screaming at him, if he'll just fucking drop the phone, I'll quit chasing him. But he somehow threw the phone down when I wasn't looking, so I never got the fucking phone back. Oh, he ditched it. He ditched it. But I caught the little fucker and walked him back to Starbucks and had him fucking thrown in jail. Was he 15? Mm-hmm. Carlos.

Carlos. Carlos. Yeah, and that... Because the listeners are really picturing, all right, was it a black kid? No, he was Mexican. For the listener, Andy just yells from the bellows. I pictured him white the whole time. I couldn't get over picturing hipster ass Brad

I'm picturing the white tighty whiteys there he told the cop that the reason he picked me is that he thought I looked like a homeless guy and I wouldn't chase him oh hence the beard

the beard comes into this yeah you do look kind of a little homeless-y yep with an iPad a phone with an iPad and an. With an iPad, a phone. With an iPad and an iPhone. Homeless iPhone.

I've got a homeless iPhone. So then when we... I have a Find My iPhone app on my iPad. So I get on my iPad and I can see the phone going down Melrose Avenue. Oh, you're talking about the app, the Locate My Phone app. Yeah, Find My Phone. So the GPS locates it and you can find it. Our new sponsor sponsor the kids in one cop car the other there's another set of cops there i'm talking to and i'm like well here's the phone right here it's three blocks away it's going

west and he's like all right jump in the car we'll go we'll just track it well so we get in the car but then i lose my wi-fi they don't have wi-fi in fucking cop cars. You get to ride in an L.A. cop car? That's bullshit. So we lose the signal. So we go to where the signal was. I get out. We look for some fucking shitty kids. There aren't any. I run into another business. Explain to them what's going on. Get their Wi-Fi password. Go back on Wi-Fi.

Do the iPhone app again. Get a new location. Run back out. Jump in the cop car. Go to that location. Repeat for a fucking hour. Never got it back. Can you still look it up? It's off now. Like once they turned it off. Well, they probably cracked it

and then just wiped it and whatever they do, they sell it, right? You can buy phones all over there. I don't know about that part. This is where Andy comes in and talks about the new iPhone he just bought in LA for $20.

That's my story. That's your story. I can't believe the cop said, here, let's go look for it. He's going to drive you around? They weren't very smart. You're the one who lost a phone. The cop goes, hey, I know what

we'll do. We'll call the phone. And then when they answer it, we'll know who has it. What's your social security number? And he goes, what was that kid's name? And the other cop says, Carlos. He goes, alright. I'll call and I'll say that I'm Carlos.

And from the back of the car, I said, how would Carlos have gotten my number? And the cop goes, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That won't work. That won't work. So, yeah, we didn't get the phone back. That answers my next question, is why weren't the cops trying to solve some real crime in L.A. instead of driving a homeless guy around for an hour looking for his phone?

I felt violated. It felt like a crime to me. Turner and Hooch helping him. This won't be anything for the podcast listener, but I still have blood blisters on the bottom of my feet where I fucking chased them for eight blocks in socks. Wait, you were wearing sandals and socks? Of course. That's a crime. Yes.

My body, my choice, Chaley. I'm tempted to put Andy in the Chaley seat so Chaley can get this DVD ready for porn and eggs. Between one and two.

Everything's set. Alright, good. Andy, take over. Drive this vehicle. So, how was the pumpkin latte? I've been dying to hear. It was really good. I like the pumpkin latte i've been dying to hear it was really good yeah i like the pumpkin scone wasn't a latte it was a frappuccino you missed margo this morning chad margo came by yeah i wish we had this shit set up

i want the margo chad podcast because they sound so similar the listener would never know who's talking who's saying that who's it oh it's margo i'm margo wallenberg i have one lung can i have a cigarette she was telling her stroke story yeah she had too many strokes here we were filming a thing and uh she passed out like she's about to go on camera and she passes out. We think she's just drunk. She's like 70 something and eight feet tall.

She passes out. I'm good now. I'm good. And she does the thing on the camera and the next day she goes to a benefit show, passes out again, and goes, I should really have this checked out. She had two mini strokes in two days.

Still kicking. Get me another tequila. I probably shouldn't have it, but just get me one more tequila. I'm still drunk from last night. Can I have a cigarette? They cut out half of my lung in Mexico. She's a fucking

rock star of Bisbee. She's the best. Everyone, well, a few of us got to meet her. The early risers. Here's to us, if you're still here. Bird Cloud, get in here. Talk with your mouths. This is Jasmine and Mackenzie from Bird Cloud, get in here. Talk with your mouths. This is Jasmine and Mackenzie from Bird Cloud

headlining the Funhouse Arts Festival, Farts Festival. Jasmine, you made this sick? Someone puked in my fucking car last night. And they weren't even regulars. Yeah, Kenny's driving people back to the shady dell because they're come on over they're really nice people and the girl got a little too drunk as uh people do when they visit for the first time and uh puked in my brand new

car and this morning he sent this giant apology email i I go, it's vomit. Vomit's always funny. Don't worry about it. You want to get the first dent in your new car to get it over with. So, yeah, this is the first vomit in the backseat. You made some sick, little lady? Yeah. Yeah, I puked about a gallon of water, I think. Moonshine or water?

Yeah. I can't tell you. Get on, Mike. Yeah, I puked about a gallon of water. Moonshine or water? Yeah. I can't tell you. Get on, Mike. I can't tell you what it was. It was clear. Because you guys brought moonshine. Jezelnik is here, and I saw Jezelnik just smell the jar, and he almost puked just smelling it.

No, no. I get a host. I get a host. Somebody's uncle gave it to us. Somebody's uncle gave it to us. Somebody's uncle gave it to us. That's the only place you can get moonshine. But I like that you puked. That makes me feel better for not drinking your offering.

She always pukes in the morning. She's drunk all the time. And you puke at night. I puke at night. You were slobbering early in the evening, but I had some of that in my cup. Remember you were drooling? Oh, yeah.

That's the Sprite I was looking for. Well, you do a shot of tequila after driving for like eight or nine hours. It makes you drool. Oh, I like it. Yeah, I ate like a piece of bread. Chad, you brought me a bowl of pasta. Joby made pasta. I go, I haven't eaten.

And the idea of eating is repulsive, but I know I have to. The second time I heard you say that, I went and got you a bowl, which I later found with about two bites out of it and a cigarette put out in it. I don't think Stan Hope ate the food. I went and got him. No, I ate the bread. I dunked it in the sauce. Bread, okay, I'm good. A piece of bread,

I'm fine. How about we cut food out and we just have a pharmacist? Because nobody eats food when they're on the Ritalin, so it's just... I ate a cigarette the other day. We were filming a little movie. We were smoking weed all day in Joshua Tree and we were filming a little movie. We were smoking weed all day in Joshua Tree,

and we were filming this dumb little movie that we made up. And I ate a cigarette and threw up. We really suffer for our art. And then I poured vodka in Jasmine's eyes, and she cried. On purpose? Well, it looked like she was crying anyway. I was doing this like baptism thing to her. We were, where were we?

It was the good, Cedar Rapids, that good comedy club with the nice people. And we, right before we left, where we were drinking backstage, we had a whole back bar for ourselves and a bunch of people came back afterwards, and the dude chugged a beer can that was not his, and it was someone's chew, and he's just standing.

Chaley, Chaley, the guy with the chew in the beer can in Cedar Rapids, you were here. We were penguins. Penguins in Cedar Rapids. It was an after party, and they let us drink. And a bunch of people were there after the show, after merch was done. So it's been winding down. And the guy's talking to me, and he's doing this, like, yeah, listening.

And then he takes a sip while he's looking at me and brings it back down. And he goes, bug eyes. That's not beer. And then he spit he spit up like right in front of me and i just it looked like he had ants in his mouth because it's all peppered and i go damn you you didn't have to tell me it wasn't beer it's like he had to like let me know before he like discreetly spit up iulated. I got him a big cup of soda water and a shot of whiskey. He ran to the bar. J. Lee runs to the bar, gets a pitcher of soda water and a shot of whiskey to douche his mouth. It's not beer.

It's your one job, J. Lee. It's your one job. Go back to your other job. He did clean it up. He's a gentleman. We do have nice people. And Kenny and Derek did clean the vomit out of the car before morning, before he could even stink it up.

That's how I remembered it, because I saw Kenny in the middle of the night washing floor mats over there on the side of the yard. In traditional Derek versus Kenny fashion, Kenny calls me up, that chick I just brought up, she threw up all of your new car. And then later I get a text from Derek going, yeah, he really blew it out of proportion. It wasn't even that much vomit.

You could barely see it because they hate each other. So no one can get credit for anything between the two of them. If you had to sleep with Kenny or Derek, I guess you'd probably have to see them again to remember who they are. That'd be a fun one.

If they were here to humiliate one or the other. Which one's Derek? Derek talks like this. Derek came in with my back turned in the fun house the other day, and he was so egregiously Derek,

where he goes, I gotta go home and help Bree. He was doing my over-the-top impression of him that I thought it was Andy fucking with me, pretending to be Derek. I didn't think Derek could say, I gotta go home and help Bree with some housework.

Oh, you're Derek. I thought you were Andy doing Derek. Derek, he's a guy. You'll remember him tonight and then forget him again. Sounds good. Yeah. So where do you go next? Do you want to plug dates or anything?

We're just going to um we're going to san diego but um we've already sold out of all of our um vinyl that we brought with us um so so fuck them fuck them no it's all we get our money off the merch fuck them no it's our it's our double comb colored uh vinyl that's right it's a collection of everything that we've recorded as of yet, minus our Christmas. You were telling us this in Nashville that you were asking, no, it has to be cum colored. And you said, come in your hand.

And look at it. And make it that color. Yeah, jack off into your hand and then look at it. And that's the color of our records. That's the color you want the vinyl? Yes. Okay, hold on, I will. It's like spin art.

There we go. There it is. Chaley, one job to do everything. And it has a fold-out poster inside, and it's just goddamn gorgeous. And where would a guy get those underpants? The boy section here. He wants those ones specifically. I know, Andy.

Oh, no, yeah. I'll let you have them. Somebody's uncle. You can wear them on your face when you masturbate. That's a legally binding contract. Shout out to Jake. Thank God for Suzanne, because I was waiting for the text message from you going, Andy's in our guest house.

Is that supposed to happen? He says he's staying here. I was there earlier. That's a jizz shot. That's Bukkake. It's beautiful. Wow. I like a man that comes big. How many emails have you gotten

Where someone said I checked off to your album But I'm serious Yeah all the time I used to date a girl that was a child star And people would come up and say I checked off to you when I was a teenager What am I supposed to say to that?

Love that Thanks Henry Phillips you got any energy? Tom Konopka's here what am I supposed to say to that? Love that. Thanks. Henry Phillips, you got any energy? Tom Konopka's here. Everyone on the podcast loves Tom. He should have energy. It's Henry Phillips Day at the festival. Henry Phillips Day.

I feel like I already... On the mic, Henry. Yeah, we were rolling this morning. That's when I go, we should be podcasting. And then an hour later, I'm like, hour later alright too many mimosas fuck this and we have a whole day of shit do you have any movies you want to plug

yeah come over here come on in you can just all fucking jam into mics yeah you need a mic man just pass it back and forth just grab that you know how podcasts work

Henry why don't you have a podcast you're the only LA comic here that doesn't have a podcast I think well I have a YouTube series fucking Hannigan has a podcast now he goes oh when you come to LA you can do my podcast on the Wednesday you have a podcast oh yeah I goes, oh, when you come to LA, you can do my podcast on the Wednesday.

You have a podcast? Oh, yeah, I'm doing it for the Comedy Store. Fucking my manager has a podcast. Ridiculous. Well, I feel like I have a YouTube series, so that's my... Yeah, Henry's Kitchen? The new media department. So, yeah, Tom said he was sitting on the toilet laughing at the airport. Konopka.

Konopka comes out for the festival. I book what I think I'm booking Henry and Morgan Murphy and Jezelnik and you on the same flight, not realizing, oh, wait, Jezelnik and Murphy are coming in the day before. Same flight. I got the flight right the wrong day. So I get you two on the right flight but he's connecting from vegas mechanical difficulty ends up missing his connection what 14 hours you're in fucking lax fucking horrific thanks delta yeah thanks oh it was horrible no but i

listened to that your youtube was absolutely killer thanks yeah that's what we're talking up is in a lax toilet killing time, listening to Henry's Kitchen on YouTube with his earbuds in a fucking men's room stall, laughing maniacally, which always helps you dump. For 15 minutes. And there was a guy next to me, and I just knew. He was like, what the fuck? If I finish my coffee and have a cigarette outside of security, I'll be ready to take a dump right on the other side of security.

I race there. I get in. Now it's going to happen. And there's maniacal laughter from the stall next to me clenching my asshole back. I was laughing, crying. Oh, fuck. Oh, man.

You just reminded me of a story that I'm going to make really quick because I think I might have told it on your last podcast. Fuck it. So really quickly, we were at the Rio. Wait, no, no, not the Rio, the Orleans. Yeah. We were staying there for the week, and we went out drinking, whatever. The next morning, we went and shat in adjacent stalls.

Shat. Yeah, we shat. And we were both trying to make each other laugh by how loud the shitting was. And we were laughing our fucking heads off. That's the only time that you can really enjoy a loud blasphemous diarrhea shit. Anybody walking in there must have just been like, these don't sound like children. They sound like older people,

but they're just fucking laughing hysterically and maniacally. It's just... And we were just trying to crack each other up. people, but they're just fucking laughing hysterically and maniacally and just and we're just trying to crack each other up. But so it'd be interesting if you were listening to the audio of the web series and laughing, but you might have been shitting too. And maybe they thought you were

laughing at the shitting. I was just laughing and shitting and I was just it was you making the pizza. I don't know what it was. Yeah, that's my vegan-free gluten pizza. And I get a lot of people that go on there and they're like, it's not gluten-free, it's got an egg.

Or it's not vegan, it's got an egg. And I respond and I'm like, no, it's vegan-free. That means there's no vegan. It's just. It's got gluten in it. Yeah, and it's got gluten in it. And they're like, well, why don't you just say pizza then?

Well, it's vegan free gluten pizza. I want people to know that. So I love it. I love arguing with people. And then read the comments. The comments are all there. Henry is so good at the subtle fuck lips. Oh. I thought of one that

we did in the UK. Do you remember this one with Hennegan when he got so tired of you, me, and Bingo always asking for a lighter. It was like, he just got so pissed, he went out and he just bought 30 lighters and he put them

right in. I never want to hear anybody talk about they need a fucking lighter again he was such a cunt on that tour what did we do we hid the lighters and then like within an hour we were like hey man does anybody have a lighter what what the fuck it was a whole bunch of shit like that

one of my favorite Chaley stories this is again very subtle but we'd always lose lighters so Chaley when he's tour, he gets the big fireplace lighter. Yeah. And then he puts duct tape on it and writes broken. So no one steals it. Like you would keep a broken lighter.

That's pretty smart. That's fucking brilliant. It's so subtly funny. Oh, here's the cunt. All right, everyone act like we weren't calling Brian Hennigan a cunt. He just showed up. I was sitting in the Danny LaBelle chair. That's why I was making all that noise.

That's still a great story. Don't worry, I heard the instructions. The master of subterfuge. Speaking of... We were talking about you with the lighters when you were a cunt on that UK tour. Oh, yeah. Hating the tour manager, the bus driver.

We already hated the tour anyway. You two hating each other just tripled the amount of hate. Or quadrupled. I'm not sure about the math there. Tom Konopkis here. Quick thing about the earbuds, because this was relevant two minutes ago, but I'm going to force it back in there right now. because this was relevant two minutes ago,

but I'm going to force it back in there. I had a thing when I was at the airport where something happened that was funny. I don't know. I was laughing at like, I don't know what it was. I almost said handicapped guy. It wasn't that, but it was like, I laughed at something. You cruel fuck. No, I laughed at something.

And have you ever had that where two hours later, it dawns on you how funny it was and you just start laughing and it looks totally out of context but i was on the plane and i had my earbuds in because i put my earbuds in and i listened to static so that i can't you know the white noise or whatever to drown it out and so so it was just funny because i was i was listening to static and then i thought of that thing that happened a couple hours earlier and I just laughed out loud. And it must have been pretty loud because a couple people turned around

and looked and when they saw the earbuds, they must have been like, oh, this guy's listening to a podcast or a comedy CD or whatever. But I wish that they could have heard what I was hearing because it was just... They'd be like, oh, you're out of your fucking mind, man. There's nothing funny about that at all. Just listening to Static and cracking up.

What's his name? Something Erickson. We brought it up on Rocky Erickson. Yeah. The guy that had to listen to fucking nine TVs on white noise. Yeah. Yeah. I came up on a podcast where I couldn't remember the name.

And then 18,000 people tweet me. Wasn't it like Three Headed Alligator or something like that? Yeah. That whole documentary. Two Headed Dog. Two Headed Dog. There it is. No. Close.

No, it was close. That was his follow up hit. What did you do for fucking 14 hours at LAX? Oh, just fucking. I just scowled. I was so fucking pissed. I just sat there just scowled. I was so fucking pissed. I just sat there and scowled. But then I was watching.

Oh, that's cool. LAX is the worst fucking airport ever anywhere because I was trying to buy you a ticket because Delta kept fucking you. You're a standby in the next flight. It looks good, but it's not for eight hours.

And then when you get, no, there's no way you're getting on it. Well, I could have bought you a flight. Fucking bird cloud drove from Joshua Tree. They could have picked you up and got you here quicker than Delta did.

No, it was just unbelievable. You could have driven from Vegas and got here quicker than Delta got you here. No, but then I had my, now I'm watching Henry's stuff

and my phone is fucking dying. That's only a cozy 40 minutes. I plug it in, and everybody's got their outlets, and no, that's mine, and they're fighting, and they don't even fucking work. I got up to the part where you were doing the spaghetti. Oh, yeah, baked spaghetti.

And then two seconds in, it just blinked, and the thing went off, and I'm like, fuck, no. I had another four hours to wait. They cut you off? Hey, Tom Konopka. How does it end, then? I don't even know. Last time we, Tom Konopka. How does it end then? I don't even know. Last time we visited Tom Konopka,

he was living off the grid in Las Vegas, didn't have email, you did have a cell phone. Of course. But you had no Twitter, you went fucking batshit on the Twitter. You're retweeting your own tweets. I remember retweeting your own tweets. I know.

I've been retweeting my retweets. You're like a child that got out of prison. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm like, God, it's so funny. Everybody that I've been talking to all over the world, it's so funny. Now you have a burner phone.

You have two phones. And you kept texting me from both phones. Yeah, no, no. Which one do I fucking call? I know, you're asking this. This one, no. Yeah, no, no. Which one do I fucking call? I know, you're asking this. This one, no. It was funny, though. But yeah, you got one that the battery won't keep a charge,

so then you have to go to the other one. I was just going back and forth. That's what I do, too. I couldn't maintain a charge on this fucking thing. He has burner phones before he even has a mistress. Get way ahead of yourself. Yeah. It was an experience. But you're out of yourself. Yeah. But you're out of the closet now.

Now you're in the tech world. So to speak. Thank you. Welcome. Thank you. Eventually you'll see the town. Don't say it. Tweet it.

We were sharing some of our favorite telemarketing stories last night. Or phone scam stories. And really briefly, I don't know if we can get sued for this, but Disney was the scam that I worked for that was the worst of all of them. They paid the

shittiest and they also... Disney's not a litigious type of company. Let's go right ahead. They had a database that was mickey mouse all it was yeah it was 100 everybody in the database was old people in alabama and i knew every time i called them that they had no idea what was going on but somehow or another the script was we're gonna send you uh 30 or we're gonna send you free books for your grandkids. And they'd be like, oh, okay. And then I had to read a disclosure statement,

which said that if they don't take those books to the post office and mail them back to this address at their own expense. Did you do it radio style? Yeah, yeah. It was returned within 30 days. And then they have to sign up for it. It's going to be $30 a month for three years or whatever. And then they'd be like, what was that?

So we're going to send those books out to you today. Isn't that great? Your grandkids are going to like it. And then they're like, okay. And every time I hung up, I was like, that person has no idea that they just got themselves fucked. Sound familiar, huh, Doug? No, no, we didn't.

Old people were the worst. I got fucked on that. I was talking to Greg about that. I got brain pills. Like, fuck, why not't fuck. Old people were the worst when we... I got fucked on that. I was talking to Greg about that. I got brain pills. Like, fuck, why not? I'll take pills and brain pills, and then they fucked me. Rogan's podcast?

No, no. Yeah, independently, but they cost me $80, and it's like, you know, oh, that's the first time I've been a dumb old fuck and gotten screwed. And it's going to happen a lot now.

It's going to start for now. Yeah. I went through my credit card bill because a lot of times you don't. You don't fuck. I'm sure it's all right. Yeah. So this time I went through it because it was a big one. We're on the road.

And I'm like, fuck, this is Amazon. It's $1,800, $250. And then I go to my Amazon account. I go, there's nothing I'm blaming. Bingo, of course, I blame bingo first. Her birthday is coming up her 40th birthday. She's got a bouncy castle and a fucking parade of midgets and a fucking million. We'll be I'll miss most of it because we got to go to L.A.

to do the end of the world podcast at the comedy store with Joe Rogan and Bill Burr and a lot of a lot of other people that said yes, but haven't really followed up. So, yeah, we're going to get a fucking all star election night. November. What is that? The eighth. November 8th. That's the ninth is the birthday that I'm going to miss. Chad Shank will be there.

Chaley will be there. that i'm actually gonna miss chad shank will be there chaley will be there so i'm going through all this shit and i'm looking at my uh amazon account and she bought fucking eight pairs of fucking weird nylons or something but it's not eighteen hundred dollars and i go must have been chaley because we have to order the books the ones that you buy off the site that i sign we have to buy from amazon just like you that's why we have to mark it up because we gotta get it fucking shipped here and then ship it to you and chaley has to make 10 cents profit so i go that must be books eighteen hundred dollars he put that on my amazon and i called chaley he goes no i didn't order anything like that fucking call the credit card company then we figure out it's the fucking shit we bought for you,

but we did it through Chad Shang's Amazon, not ours. It was all your recording equipment. All right, I'll get to you in a minute, because, Chad, you're doing some voiceover shit now. Maybe next podcast. No, no, no. You got a whole setup now. Yeah, you got me all set up with my studio.

It's all the way set up. You sent me a picture setup now. Yeah, you got me all set up with my studio. It's all the way set up. You sent me a picture, and I said it looks like downfall with Hitler's bunker. He's got a closet with the foam on the walls. Yeah, I cut all the shelving out and put all the foam on the walls and blankets and got the – Shaley set me up with all the recording software. So you're for hire.

Well, I found out you don't get to just do the easy part and read. Shaylee set me up with all the recording software. So you're for hire. Well, I found out you don't get to just do the easy part and read. I actually have to do all of the production. Editing, all that? Yeah, so I'm having to learn all of that process and learn the software and everything. So it's going to take a little while. But for the crazy listener out there who has a book and sent me a copy that I never read,

If there's an easy listener out there who has a book and sent me a copy that I never read, hey, I want to get, well, you can now hire at HD Fatty, Chad Shank, to read your book. And then you can shop the audio version. Because you're crazy and your book stinks, but he'll read it. And he'll make it good. Maybe. That's what I'm running up against now is I, I found a good series that I wanted to, well,

it's a first book on the green river killer and it's not, uh, you know, it's just a bunch of facts. It's more like a documentary style, short book, like an hour long. And I wanted to do it. It's perfect.

And, he wants to do a series of them. So I was like, that'll be perfect. And, uh, I bought the book for five 99 off Amazon and got it. And it's fucking horrible. They're all, all the book for $5.99 off Amazon and got it, and it's fucking horrible.

All the books that they have, well, that I've seen are independently published. All the Q's in the book are just a box. There's no letter Q throughout the whole book. Page three is literally page nine, just the same wording. It doesn't even fit there. So I have to try to figure out. I've never had to have integrity before. That would have to be the worst.

I never thought about having to read something, but knowing it stinks and having to still sell it. I never thought about that. I didn't either until that came up. You do remember the man show. I used to love... I used to get a kick out of listening to Hemingway's short stories

read by... What's the guy's name? Harry Dean Stanton? Keech? Stacey Keech. Can you hear his hair lip? Comes through! But it was just funny because Stacey Keach can you hear his air lip comes through but it was just funny because you know

Hemingway and every now and then there's just a passionate love dialogue going on and he's got to put on the female voice and it's him going but I love you I just want to be in your arms and it's like I love this does it like a comedian does it why don't you ever take me out for my

birthday like a comedian does it? Why don't you ever take me out for my birthday? And I looked at her with a stern countenance and I said, don't you leave me, Mabel. And she said, what would I do with my opponent?

My opponent seems to think. That's fantastic. Yeah, books on tape. So yeah, that'll be interesting to learn all that and see where that goes. I can help you with the software stuff. I appreciate it. Do a little lesson today. That's the only bad thing about this is I have people messaging me, tweeting me, and stuff saying,

Hey, whatever you fucking read, I'll buy it. And I'm like, that's fucking really nice of you to say that. It might be horrible. And then I have Shaylee to help me and Shawnee and Bruce from Audible and Brian from Audible. He's the editor that did your book, has been helping me. I have so many things on my side. If I fail at this, I have to hang myself. Even if I don't want to, I'm just going to be like,

fuck, I have to. You notice he didn't drop Hennigan anywhere in there. I've got so many people helping me, except for Hennigan, who's always abroad. Actually, Hennigan told me last night a lot of helpful things and had good ideas. And he admitted that he did disclaimer it with, I'm a bit drunk right now. So that's probably the only reason I'm talking to you.

Don't tell me I smiled last night because I'll hate myself. But you have a nice voice. Sorry for making audible coming here. Yeah, Hannigan may have helped me in the biggest way. I got this whole thing rolling. Yeah.

I appreciate everybody. It's amazing. Wow, we're already doing the I love you man. It's not even fucking time for porn. Here's a,

I was thinking Penthouse Forum, like the co-ed, like you read that. That's the voice I heard when I was reading it as a kid. I never thought this would happen to me. But it's true.

These two girls showed up in boys' underpants. I never thought this would happen to me. In a den of cocks. They've heard about the sausage fest. They blew a harmonica out of the other one's pussy. I knew it was a risky move, but I asked for those underpants, and she agreed. This had never happened in real life.

We were talking earlier where I go, I don't want another party. I can't do it. It's one more party and then the football party tomorrow. And you know you live your life, right? When you go, I don't want to go to a party. I don't want to have a party.

Party has become work. Yeah. I'm glad I don't like fucking football. I remember when we did the dot com bust. Everyone was getting, even Henry, were you on that thing with me no you did the other hidden camera but we did camera for z.com every comic we need to create original content so

everyone's getting these fat fucking paychecks i made 48 grand it was the cso of the day oh yeah this is like the the dot com yeah well there was like some hidden comedy.com i think was one of them. Well, it was at one of those meetings where one of the writers said, comedy is now kind of a buzzword for not funny. It's just like fucking Big Bang Theory. Thursday night comedy on NBC. That means it's not funny.

Comedy means not funny. Let's come up with another word for it. People have ruined it. Yeah. Speaking of the unbookables, the name that was ruined by James Inman. Yeah. I hope everyone tuned in for his giant heartfelt public apology. Yeah, that was funny.

I did. Yeah. That was great. I think it gave everybody the resolution they were hoping for. Praying, maybe. I like getting In in on the ledge and then i you know it's like you it's fun and then you maybe hear the body drop and then you're like oh but then he gets cocky and he's an asshole once the podcast goes out and everyone loves it because he's wound up he thinks like he's like he's like, gee, I fucking, I should,

you should pay a cover charge to see me do Stan Hope's podcast. He was tweeting. Yeah, he tweeted that. He tweeted that to me. The word fire HD fatty. Yeah. That's what I just told him. I said, everybody likes to watch a terrible car crash.

And that's you. Yeah, he thinks he's a fucking genius. And then he goes right back to, you hate me. I saw he was down in the shitty lobby. Where did we stay? Wichita? Yeah, Wichita. Inman was down there, him and his buddy that we're all avoiding because he's really annoying.

But they were on the computers there. And that's why I'm libertarian. And that black football team, you know, there's down there. And here in Inman, they're laughing. Oh, there's a bunch of kids. When we pull into the parking lot, there's a peewee football team all in their fucking chucking rocks anytime i've learned this when when i book on expedia did we go over this chaley's not even here i don't know if we went over this on the podcast i book expedia by the one star reviews that i like like where they, it smelled like cigarette smoke.

It reeked. I go, good. There was a loud bar downstairs. Perfect. They were working prostitutes out on the third floor. Convenient, but I hope they have an elevator. So the one thing uh comics travelers when you book if you book shitty hotels like us because we like to save money and spend it on booze and uh other things it gives you something to be mad

about too it does uh but uh don't ever get hotel with an indoor pool in the midwest because people bring their fucking kids there for vacation. They just live across the street, but we're going to get the holiday in and it's got an indoor pool, so it's just clogged. And that day was clogged with just kids. They were

peewee football. I don't know where the field was. It was the grambling fucking elementary school because they're all black kids. I assume the band's great. I remember my favorite.

I did a sci-fi convention in Minneapolis. It was one of these like nerd con type things which is already funny but here's where it gets

really funny. I don't know what everyone's laughing at. The hotel double booked with a guns and ammo convention. So the whole time, like there's literally. Magazine, guns and ammo. Yeah, or like, you know, gun, you know, they had like. The old one. What was the mercenary one?

What was the. AK. Militia. Soldier of fortune. Alex, you're a winner so literally like on the friday everybody's showing up in the lobby there's two guys that one's dressed as a storm trooper and the other one's chewbacca or something and they're battling with lightsabers and stuff and all these like gun dudes come in they're like they're probably thinking oh shit this is

what happened to our convention like this is, what the fuck's going on here? Chad shanking camo pants without the gun. We gotta take it, right? And then, man, everybody's gone nerd on us here. But there were a lot of fights that happened over who was gonna get the ballroom which hour, and mostly the gun dudes won. We have to be in the smaller room

because there was an issue with double booking and we didn't really want to fight with them. Before I segue back into Andy's story about James Inman with the Black Football Pee Wee League, I see there's been a fucking kind of, what's the Russian band, the girl band that was in prison Pussy Riot there's a Pussy Riot going on right here

because fucking Mackenzie now has tucked her shirt into her underpants in a show of solidarity you always do that but you didn't do that when I pointed her out and then you went out and you had a good cry she probably threw up again, and you go,

I'll tuck mine in, too. That's exactly how it went down. I know exactly how it went down, because we have cameras in that house. No one's listening to this podcast. I'm picking up all the trash this morning. Trash that Andy left behind? By the way, Andy was staying in that bed before you got there, so any stains, awkward objects?

I like she just said ew without any reason. Just the fact that Andy was in there. Was there any stains? No, but Andy? Ew. I just have trouble with the mattress sliding off. That's all. You bounce a lot by yourself.

Are you alone in there, Andy? Yep. I'm not as young as I used to be. I'm a top. He jacks off facing down. I'm a top. I'm really a top. Knock it off.

I sleep in that room when nobody's here. We do have one of the shitty Dell trailers. Actually, no, Josiah's coming, but he's sober, so he'll be driving people around all night, dropping them off. Airbnb. I never thought we always have to put people up in Old Bisbee and there's no cab. But no, there's fucking Airbnb.

There's four of them right within walking distance. So, yeah. Fucking Cancer Kid on TV is ruining the podcast. Oh, turn off. Cancer Kid on the TV. Oh, she's missing a leg. Come on, without the leg. Come on.

We didn't watch hardcore pornography during brunch, but not that. We need to cleanse with that sad puppy thing. Remember that. Kill it with fire. Kill it with fire. I'm sorry, but that's awful. Put it back. I've seen that.

They throw her in the pool. It's good. You can save that. Pause that. Rewind to it. That's seen that. They throw her in the pool. It's good. You can save that. Pause that. Rewind to it. Pause it. I was going to say, once porn is done and everyone's laughed, we have Halloween themed. It's called Driller based on Thriller.

It's like a Thriller Michael Jackson video themed porn. But we stop it right in the middle of a blowjob scene and cut to the cancer kid with one leg. And everyone goes, ah! She takes a load in the face and everyone's like, ah, and then cut to the kid.

Ah, too much! Fred Erickson, do you have anything you want to plug? That was the porn. Oh, shit. By the way, we were just fast-forwarding through it to get to the spilled parts. He'll be appearing in court. Jose, shit. We were just fast-forwarding through it to get to the spilled parts. He'll be appearing in court.

Jose? Carlos. Carlos. Oh, Carlos. No, I don't have anything to plug. In fact, the one show I do in L.A.,

I'm currently on suspension from, for, we only had, we, we, they have probationary

periods to do comedy now. Yeah. Is it that bad? Well, the old Coaching Horses. The Pikey? The Pikey. I do a show there on Mondays. And last Monday, I'd been drunk all day and did the show.

I went up last. There were only four people in the crowd. And they were talking. And I just fucking let them have it. Fucking drilled them. Turned out to be Kelly Osbourne and her friends. More L.A. stuff. Yeah, and Carmen Morales, who does the show with me,

the girl whose arms you shaved. Oh, yeah. She said that I yelled at Kelly Osbourne like her dad should have her whole life. But at the end of it, the last thing she said was i spent a lot of money here and then that's when i realized i was in a lot of trouble because i'm doing a free show at a bar that lets us do a show there for five and i just told the biggest spender of the night to get the fuck out oh i might not have any leverage.

Let's get people out there then. Do you have one coming up? When are you coming back? There's a good show there on Monday night. Hannigan has something to talk about. See, that's what happens when I leave town is that Brett just drinks all day. He doesn't feel the discipline

coming through the floorboards. But I wrote to the rescue. Brett will be on my show at the Comedy Store next week. Hi, Mario. Love your podcast. Hennegan's Badger. Somebody else is going to be on that too, right? Henry Phillips will be on it.

Not the dog. The comic or the dog? Henry Phillips will be on it. Not the dog. The comic or the dog? Henry Phillips the comic. But that's what the new dog's name is too. Hey, Sam's here. In your all red. Gretchen Bear is here. Gretchen Bear

at all. Junior, stop it. You want to jump in get Junior in here oh Junior doesn't yeah no last night you don't podcast

last night Junior does his set and he's drunk and he already doesn't want to do his set and he already he goes up already in his poor me phase

of the night I thought Junior can we talk about I'm sorry I ruined the whole show I embarrassed everybody I told you to fucking smack him in the face and tell him he did good.

But that's the way all night was. It was everybody was killing, and then I would go up afterward and be like, great set, and everybody would go, ah, it fucking sucked. It's like, come on, own it. It was great. It was a great comedy show.

There was a few nights on the road. Hey, back to the arm shaving girl that came up on the road someone was a friend of that girl she goes yeah you shaved her arms i go i think that was at that guy's house yeah it's not let his name never be spoke uh but then someone else said oh i was with you when you shaved that girl's armpit oh that was Daytona with you I've been doing a lot of random girl shaving

you do have some things coming out the side I'll get to that don't worry Jasmine I'll get to that if you had your shirt untucked I wouldn't have noticed you have an area we'll get them all more of a bird's nest If you had your shirt untucked, I wouldn't have noticed you have an area. We'll get them all.

Don't worry. More of a bird's nest. Ding. Erickson. Advantage Erickson. Oh, yeah. Andy's. I don't even remember the mind story

oh is it about Inman being in the lobby oh just how fucking he's like you're out of coffee we brought that

fucking weird douche bag friend that kept saying we could rape that girl yeah Andy and I there was one point

on the road where Andy and I both had a moment in the same night in Nebraska Lincoln Nebraska where we both said stuff where you go There was one point on the road where Andy and I both had a moment on the same night in Nebraska, Lincoln, Nebraska, where we both said stuff where you go, oh, shit, this sounds like Trump. Just because we're woman haters, don't mean.

Trump's ruined a lot of my jokes. I said it funny, but now it reminds people of the barrage of Trump that you get with the grabbing the pussy, the fucking cheese, the fucking floor. Yeah, I was actually melting down too much Trump coverage and the whole rape, you know, rapey fingers or whatever. And it's like fucking screaming at the TV. I think we already brought that up on the podcast. But it was the next day that Inman has this, his friend that's a fan of mine that gave him a ride

from Kansas City three hours. And he's like, oh, we could have totally raped that. What did she look like? Something. Like a goth chick or something. Yeah. He had the name.

Yeah, I did. It's not Christina Richie from Beetlejuice, but that kind of look. Wednesday from Adam's family. He goes, we could have totally raped her, man. But were you guys egging him on, though? No.

Yeah, no, when I was at Chilkoots, actually, there was one late night when Patrick and I were hanging out with some dude who was fun for a little while because he looked like a pirate, and we were having fun with that. Patrick Keene did a duet. They did Summer Lovin' together, and that was hilarious.

But, yeah, it got less funny later in the night when he's like, do you want that, guru? And I was like, what are you going to do? Chloroform her and put her in your trunk or something? That was kind of the way that he was saying it. And we were like, no, no, we're good. It's like, I can make that happen. Well, that's my guilt.

And when he said, oh, we could totally rape that fucking Wednesday from Adam's family chick, and I go, what do you mean we? We're comics. Yeah, yeah. We'll just do a show. No, just My first instinct was, you can't rape her. I can rape her because she came to see me.

Who do you think you are? You're the driver. I dismissed the rape until he said it several times. I was just like, how do you think you're one of us? Yeah, I know. Absolutely. You remember this? Even in our prime, me and Doug and Henry

had a hooker at a family hotel. Oh, I remember that. I didn't know you were there. I know it was me. I remember getting really upset about something. I had to hide that story from Renee. All right, all right. This is like chicken soup for the anti-Rick.

Because we could have had our way. We had a budget. Or Doug had his card or whatever. I think we got the hooker ironically. It was supposed to be funny. And then it became very unironic when I got a boner. We were going to have her like that. And then everything kind of went to shit from that point.

We had some plan. We were going to make her recite poetry or some dumb shit. Yeah, that's right. You were going to videotape her reciting something. Just something that she didn't have to be a hooker. We tried to find music on TV so she could dance around. She'd just jump on the bed or something.

She was doing that. Go dance. She goes, oh, I like that show. Nobody remembers it. The man show. It was right after that show. I'll tell you, nobody remembers it. Yeah, the man show. Yeah, it was right after the man show, so we invoked the man show. Yeah, I've never seen Henry mad before. Well, hold on.

You guys were ganging up on me for sure, because remember previously at the biker bar, you guys, we were all just sitting there, and all of a sudden, you guys we were we were all just sitting there and all of a sudden you guys were gone and the same journey song played on the jukebox like for the seventh time until people started looking at me funny like is this fucking asshole and then i was like wait where did fucking doug and then oh no you guys were back at the hotel laughing your ass off and i'm just still sitting there that was knville, yeah.

Is that what prompted the hooker call? No, no, then the hooker thing happened. I don't remember. We were just crossing paths. You were on a different road trip. We all had the same night off in the same town. Yeah, I was in Nashville or something. I remember hiding in a bathroom.

I don't know if you were in the bathroom or we were in the bathroom. Oh, wait, we had her jumping on the bed. Yeah, yeah. Because she was auditioning to do the trampoline thing. She was a Man Show fan. As far as she knew. Yeah, yeah. It's the least degrading thing you can do to a prostitute. You better jump on a bed

instead of anal. That's because we overrode Henry. That's right. Henry had more... I think the joke was going to be we were going to pretend that we wanted just the dance. That's what it was. that's right Henry had more I think the joke was going to be we were going to pretend that she was we wanted just the dance that's what it was like

or something like that we just wanted we were just interested in watching the dance with the transistor radio that she had or whatever but uh

going back to the Trump thing I gotta say this because this is this is just a test this is AM 1640 your dance will be coming but this is a test of This is AM 1640. Your dance will be coming.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Can you change that for me? Yeah. I'm just glad that you guys do this on a regular type basis because I was cleaning out emails the other day, old emails, and when I was on the road with you

and Shaylee, I found an email and I was like, when did I day, old emails. And when I was on the road with you and Shaley, I found an email. And I was like, when did I email a Craigslist couple? That was the night Chad went south on us in Bozeman, Montana. We were trying to get a hooker to come on the podcast and talk about being a hooker. And they wouldn't do it. They'd come and blow you or lick your asshole but they wouldn't do a podcast that's how many people have a podcast even brian they wouldn't do yeah i'll lick your asshole as long as they don't have to talk that's a big fear for people that public speaking yeah going back to the trump thing i gotta say i i was on stage the night that the grab by the

pussy thing happened and uh it's almost hacked before even 8 p.m shows up you can't even talk because everybody's already been through it on twitter and everything but i did say grab her by the pussy and then i said ah that's enough with the political stuff. But I was like, wait, so grab her by the pussy is now political humor. It's like, that's the one thing that we can sort of like congratulate him for. He's like crossed the bridge of political humor and grab her by the pussy humor. I can't wait to see what the Capitol steps do with it. Yeah, yeah. Mark Russell.

Hey, Birdcock. Grab her by the pussy, yeah. Mark Russell. Hey, Bird Clock. Bird Clock, can you get a grabber by the pussy song parody thing done by tonight for the show? There you go. Grabber by the pussy shuffle. We got a writer's room here. We can bang heads.

Oh, yeah. We've already thought about it. We can hammer something out pretty quick. It'll only be good for two and a half more weeks and then it's fucking... I know, I know. We can hammer something out pretty soon. It'll only be good for two and a half more weeks, and then it's fucking... I know, I know. We can just change to our shins. Yeah.

I did want to make a fake Hillary ad. Remember when Hillary had the POW... Yeah, you can do it right now. They can do it right now. Grab your instruments. You can do it right now. All right, they can do it right now. I got this.

I'm sweating. I have to stop to the chair. They can do it right now. Mackenzie from Bird Cloud, just get off one of these plastic stooped stools that we have and paper towel she had put down. Actually, you just tweeted me that. You go, hey, we're getting so excited sitting at this bar waiting to do the festival. And I said, put a towel down. And now you just get up and you have a towel stuck to your... Prescience is a bigger word.

I used it once on a record. A record album that I made. Okay, we got it. Wait. Hold on, before you guys start. Why don't you end the podcast? Yeah, we're ending the podcast with Bird Cloud

riffing one of their songs into Grab Her by the Pussy on the fly. Okay. Yeah. Trump Trump Grabbing my big old pussy Must go to Mississippi Hoping that General Jackson Don't run me down

Them young men on their jazz keys I sure hope that they see me Crushing my big old pussy before I go to town Them alligators in the Delta I'm certain that they smell just Grabbing your big ol' pussy before you go to town Pollution from the factories And that's it from car batteries

Well that's the smell of my big ol' pussy if you wanna go down Truck Truck Grabbing my big ol' pussy in the store called Mississippi Hoping the General Jackson

won't run me down Them young men on their jet skis, I sure hope that they see me. Come on, grab my big old pussy for a golden sound. I said, grab my big old pussy, hell yeah vote trump oh Sex! Ah! Rulers of the underpants universe! Sex! Ah! Keep your balls off your legs and such. Sex underwear. Don't have sweaty balls.

Was that good? I don't know. All right, and here we are with the hangover weekend. I'm doing the breathalyzer test, Price is Right style, with our contestants. We should have five. Yeah, I shouldn't be doing this. Well, you just guess. All you have to do is guess a number.

Andy, just get up here. They're going to guess Price is Right style, my blood alcohol, with our new breathalyzer that we just got. I'd give them a plug, but I don My Blood Alcohol with our new breathalyzer that we just got. I'd give them a plug, but I don't know. Where's the breathalyzer? That's kind of a key ingredient to this thing. Whoa. Backtrack. BAC Track.

This is brand new, just from Amazon. How do we do this? Okay. Okay, this is how we do it. We have Anthony Jeselnik, Brian Hennigan, Andy Andrus, Chad Shank, and we're supposed to have Bird Cloud, but they're out whoring it up. Yep. Whores.

Whore Cloud. We need a fifth. We need a fifth contestant. Junior Stopka. Junior's going to play. You have to guess my blood alcohol as Backtrack reads it. How accurate is it? Without going over.

We don't know, but you have to guess without going over. How much do you weigh? How much do you weigh nowadays? I weigh about $1.45. What did you eat for breakfast? What have you eaten today? I did eat a very small breakfast taco. I think I finished it.

I think I've had about six or seven mimosas. I didn't finish it. So when did you start drinking today? Not quite sure. Who was here? Did you stop drinking last night? I woke up literally steaming drunk. I went, all right, this isn't going to end.

We just have to run with this. Okay, no, no. So I did about six or seven mimosas. So you kept drinking to not have a hangover. That was from about 10 o'clock to 2.30. So, yeah. Plus the drunk from last night. I think I'm ready.

You're ready? Why don't we start with you, and then we'll go down this way. Uh-huh. Okay. Point two, three. Hold on. Hang on, he's got to put down this way. Okay. 0.23. Hold on. He's got to put it on the board.

Chaley. Chad is what? 0.23. Okay. Oh, it's 0.8. 0.8. 0.8. 0.08.

No, no. Junior Stopka says. 0.35. 0.35. Oh. Oh. Junior Stopka says....35. .35. Oh. No trust in the liver here. Brian Hennigan. I'm going to go for.28.

Is that metric? Mm-hmm. All right,.28 for Hennigan. What was the first guess? What was yours? .23. .23. I'm going to say...

He's going to do $1. Good job. I'm going to say I'm going to say I'm going to say 0.19 I think it's going to be between you I'm going to go 0.225 not that my vote counts alright 12, 11, 10.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can taste my own breath. So maybe I'll be above you. All right, here we go. That's hot. If we're going temperature I'm going about 107 that's pretty hot mouthwash ain't gonna cure that

you're not drunk but you have malaria Zika read it read it and weep what is it, Tracy? Tell the people at home. A disappointing.13. Oh.

Cocktails. Andy, 0.8. Really? 0.08. He didn't go over. He didn't go over. Andy Andrist is a winner. Visit him on Twitter at AndyAndrist, A-N-D-R-I-S-T.

Let's talk prize packages. Yeah. You get evidently watered down drinks because I've been drinking since the fucking 10 in the morning. It makes you wonder. I'm almost legal. I'm questioning this new breathalyzer because I've done a lot of breathalyzer tests with Stan Hope, and I've never seen him that low. No matter if we just started, he's always

at least a.2. That's why I promote backtrack. Do you want to lie about your amount of alcoholism? Get backtrack. Always votes low. We've all blown where no contest, no low

cantandre, where it only goes up to, like a scale only goes up so far, and then you're just fat. We've all blown too drunk to blow. Yeah. All right, Hennegan. Hennegan, let's do a commercial with the cacophony. Let's keep the cacophony

because cacophony's gonna happen election with the cacophony Let's keep the cacophony Because cacophony is going to happen Election night Cacophony sells Come on, use your voice over skills I guess you don't know what you're talking about I don't have anything prepared, I don't know what we're doing November 8th, like it's a movie November 8th at the Comedy Store

Tuesday, November 8th At the Comedy Store Election night podcast All your favorite comedians Comedy Store. Tuesday, November 8th at the Comedy Store. Election Night Podcast. All your favorite comedians and people you don't know, like me. Tuesday, November 8th. Be there at the Comedy Store.

Get tickets at brownpapertickets.com. Once we get this set up. So what we're doing is we planned this. Planned planned I said it to some people and they go yeah that sounds great we'll do it yeah Rogan Bill Burr are signed on

yeah I'll do that we're gonna do everyone's the big podcast people are gonna be Tom Rhodes I haven't confirmed with Kreischer Burr said I'm in I Kreischer. I haven't confirmed with Kreischer. Burr said I'm in. I have a text.

Laurie Comartin said she's. I haven't even read. I just saw I'm in. I keep that text fresh. So if Burr tries to bail out, I go, see,

you said I'm in. You said it. You said it. So you've got like, you've got everybody except me. Well, yeah.

Oh, no, I got things to do. I didn't even ask you to do my podcast. Yeah, it's true. I let you play the game to do my podcast. Yeah, that's true. I let you play the game show as a courtesy.

Thank you. Get the word out. AnthonyJeselnik.com You know, there's being that guy, but being that guy would be when Jeselnik flies all the way to the fucking middle of nowhere to a guy he barely knows' house on the border,

and then you go, will you do my podcast? That's that guy. That's the ultimate that guy. So, yes, you're welcome, because we're going to start at 3 p.m. on Election Day. We're going to live podcast with everyone. Stream, basically. We're streaming. Swapcasting, the ultimate swapcast.

It's everyone's podcast all at once. We'll rotate people in and out. If you're around that day, drop in, say some shit. I really want, and we've talked about this, there is no comedian Trump supporter. That's like heartfelt. It's going to be completely biased, but I would love to have one comedian. I think Rogan's Trump.

No, fucking way. Listen, delete that. You will never work at the store again. He's a good tipper. Didn't Rogan have Gary Johnson on his podcast like three times? Yeah. And again, at some point,

there'll be a ticketing link with tickets. We're probably going to do it by session, you know, from 3 to 6. That's Hannigan. Hannigan will figure out how to monotonize the fucking thing. I'll tell you this, though. Don't bother getting in touch asking when Bill Burr is going to be on. We don't know. We don't know.

It's poorly planned, and I have to actually fly to L.A. to talk to people because people don't return your text, and then they do, and then you text the thing back, and then I don't return your text. And then they do. And then you text the thing back. And then I don't return their text because I'm drunk for four days. So, yeah, I have to go there. But it will be a billion fucking people all election night, starting at 3 p.m. until they throw us out. I think probably about 11 p.m. PST.

Because then I have to get back for Bingo's 40th birthday. So that's that. Stay tuned. And hammer Marin about this. He did say yes. I was weirded out. That's how I remember. He said yes to me.

I don't think he even likes me. All right. Who else? We had a bunch of names. Laurie Kilmartin is what I want to hear. Kilmartin I really want on. There's a bunch. Yeah, there's a bunch yeah there's a bunch with Laurie Kilmartin we're asking her I don't think I know we have

asked oh you have opinions about the election I follow on Twitter but I haven't seen anything I haven't seen the best fucking troller it's fantastic she's fucking great on Twitter yeah after that we're gonna do a podcast with Roseanne Barr's opinions about the Middle East. Oh, my God.

She debates herself on Twitter. Abusively. So, yeah, fuck. Oh, we should invite Roseanne. We should. She'd be fucking great. She's probably a Trump. No.

No, she's anti-Hillary, though. Oh, that's enough. You follow her Twitter. You don't know if she's pro-Palestine, she's anti-everything, she's fucking a beautiful mind in the way the movie is. She says it herself,

I'm batshit crazy, and people don't know the half of it. So yeah, we're gonna, it'll be an all-star, don't sit at home and fucking live tweet it come to the comedy store and get shit faced and bring me Adderall

cause I'm gonna have to be there for the whole god damn thing cause it was my dumb idea Bingo hates me are you gonna have like a TV set up that you can like watch that's why we're going to LA

we're gonna get tech people to set all that shit up when Doug says we're not really like we don't know we're not prepared that's a great idea. We're making this

fucking thing up as we go along. Hennegan, write down TV in the main room. Microphones, probably microphones. Yeah,

ever since we booked the fucking main room at the comedy store like three months, I've been fending them off going, yeah, we're completely organized.

Oh yeah, we know exactly what's happening. Don't call us, we'll call you. We got this under control. We'll tell you what you're doing. Yeah, we're

fucked. It gives me ulcers to think about because I have no idea what I'm doing. But I committed. And when I commit, I drink heavily so I forget that I committed. Well, coming from an outsider who's just hearing about this for the first time, like it sounds... Outsider of comedy. It sounds awful.

It sounds awful but there's hope. Yes. Well, the whole thing is awful. Yeah. But we can... I feel like you guys can fix this before you get there. We'll say tip your waitresses. They'll be happy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then we know the outcome is who gives a fuck. That's... You kind of... It's a spoiler alert. Yeah.

I kind of ended it well and then you jumped in with your banter. I need FaceTime. We'll be right back to the podcast after this long, awkward, Jezelnik-inspired afterbirth of silence.

Pause for room tone. I stand by it. I stand by it 100%.