The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #174: Stanhope & Chad Attempt To Piece Together The Last 2 Weeks

Episode Date: November 4, 2016

What just happened? Doug and Chad go over the wrap up of the (F)Arts Festival, the Upcoming Nov 8th End Of The World Podcast with Joe Rogan at the Comedy Store and Halloween with The Butcher Of Black Knob!Doug's new special is now out on Seeso.com. Click here to sign up now and use offer code "stanhope" to get your first 2 months free!Recorded Nov. 03, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS:   Tickets for Stanhope & Joe Rogan's Election Day End of the World Podcast - http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2696411   Stanhope Tour Dates -  http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/   Henry Phillips - "And Punching The Clown" - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4283414/   YouTube Clip - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54qXMFNt3bQ   Ghost Ride Productions - http://www.ghostride.com/   Steve Poggi at Tulsa Looney Bin - http://tulsa.loonybincomedy.com/ShowDetails/02ebb7f6-ebd3-41f8-aedd-b11a3a606875/bca30415-8e4e-4ec5-817d-52222ac57427/Steve_Poggi/Tulsa   Cookies By Al - @CookiesByAl   Nash Guitars - http://www.nashguitars.com/ Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Fuck You Cop", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

What? Oh, I was gonna open with just banging through the thank yous. Why don't you just open? You can do that, too. You don't have to be high energy. These don't all have to be gems. Gotta be some energy. Yeah, not necessarily.

We don't listen to this. That's true. We could have saved it all up for the end of the world podcast, which I think this is going to come out tomorrow. You mean today? I mean today, yeah. So, yeah, it's five days to the election, four days for the listener,

or three, depending on Chaley. And then we go to L.Aaley and chad shank and we do the end of the world podcast with joe rogan live at the main room of the comedy store it's going to be four hours of just rotating people in and out kreischer's coming bill burr's coming ro's coming. Will this be on stage? Or down in the podcast studio? No, main stage. This is live. Oh, wow. Yeah. People are paying for this.

Yeah, I did notice online right now, brown paper tickets. The link will be up by the time you hear this, but I just found out about the dates for the tour. We're just finding out a lot of shit, like what about the dates for the tour, and you can buy them from our particular... We're just finding out a lot of shit, like what we've done for the last two and a half weeks.

I think it's a little bit longer than that. Isn't it? It was Saturday. No, when we got home from the tour... No, our last podcast was the Saturday morning hangover podcast before the Farts Festival even really legitimately started. That was Saturday night. A week ago.

We've had cops here several times since we last podcasted. That Saturday was fucking brilliant. I was sitting here trying to take notes going, alright, what happened what day? Last podcast I remember so what happened what day? And I go, last podcast I remember. So what happened after that?

And then we did Henry's movie, Henry Phillips and Punching the Clown. It's the part two of Punching the Clown. Oh, are we talking about that now? Yeah, go anywhere. What? What did I start talking? Oh, I got to finish pitching the end of the world podcast with Bill Burr. Yeah, that's election night.

The end of the world. Don't sweat it. We'll just have the TV on. And we'll see what fucking failed choice America makes. And we won't give a shit. And we'll drink through it. And we'll just have some fucking fun. Yeah, the TV's gonna be on.

We can catch the results. Yeah, if we... Have a drink? We're not really gonna be talking. I can't imagine us talking for more... Pundits? Out of four hours, maybe we have 20 minutes that have anything to do with the election.

It's just like the Mayan calendar end of the world show we did. We didn't talk about the Mayan calendar. You didn't come out in like a headdress and like a loincloth? So yeah, it's just going to be a fucked four hour, whoever is around. Again, those are people that said they're going to be there. Other people might be, but it's the Comedy Store. I just had to go there for a few days just to figure out how this whole thing works.

Fucking Jezelnik's there. Everyone from the party is right there. I just left the party, and the party's, nope, it's still going on. So, yeah, tosh was there and yeah so yeah it'll be fucking chaos you'll see it'll be a night of a thousand stars it's like a telethon right it's kind of like that only it's for us we gotta do something good with the money we haven't figured that out everyone's gonna charity I thought it'd be fun to just find a dude like we did with the tornado chick

do your own muscular stupidity I'm an innocence project guy but muscular stupidity is funny I don't know where that came from so yeah hopefully we see you there Tuesday election night at the Comedy Store because we're doing a 24-hour run, basically. The boys are back in town.

Yeah, despite my energy level right now, I'm really looking forward to doing that. That's all right. We don't want to sap your energy. Yeah. That's what we were worried about is Bingo's 40th birthday party is here the night before, and then we have to wake up

from that and fly to L.A. and then do this shit. You've rallied a couple of times for two nights in a row, but never with the flight and security and all that shit. Level of difficulty for Chad Shank. It's all right. You've just been evaluated by a team of specialists,

I assume, at the VA? No, just one doctor. I had to just explain myself once again to a new person a new one again yeah i guess after that last one she either quit or made sure that you were no longer in the building well i had the i had one before this they had to do one to set this meeting up and i was telling her i says i don't she says well why do you think that the therapy hasn't helped you and I says well to be honest it's because I'll never be honest with you guys you know she says because you seem to hate yourself a lot you know maybe we could

work through that I was like well no because I know me and you don't know what I've done and I'm not going to tell you what I've done and And she goes, well, why do you think you can't tell me what you've done? And I almost said statute of limitations. And I caught myself, so I didn't say that. And then I found it hilarious, so I just started laughing fucking uncontrollably in the meeting, which probably helped me get the next appointment. in the meeting, which probably helped me get the next appointment. Do you think that, I mean, I haven't gone into any kind of an eval like that.

Do you think, Chad, bingo, you can chime in on this too. Do you think they, the health service professional, really believes everything you guys say is the truth? I would hope not. I would hope not. I would hope not, too. It sounds like from her questioning you that like, wait, hold on a second. Why don't you feel safe here? It's so easy to manipulate them.

Well, I actually kind of feel like the whole time they're trying to catch you in a lie because like I said, I had to go to yet another new person. catch you in a lie because that's like I said, I had to go to yet another new person and they, yeah. And they go through all of your past shit on the screen. You can see them going through everything that every other doctor's already said.

And then they ask you those same questions and make you tell it all over again. You never get anywhere. You never get anywhere because do you have new doctors all the time? Yeah. Okay. Mine change constantly. They always quit at the VA. We know why they quit with you, Chad.

I'm getting out of this. I was very nice today. Diplomat. Mainly because I kept trying to fish for Adderall, but it didn't work. What medicines have helped you in the past? Ritalin? Really?

I have a lot of unfinished projects around the house. If I could just focus, I think it would help me a lot. Do you have one for that? Yeah. I'm sensing an A. Do you have one for that? Yeah. I'm sensing an A.

The one time whenever she started to help me, she was like, how is your energy? Pretty low, huh? And by the time I knew she was going to say pretty low, so halfway through pretty, I was like, yeah, pretty low. My energy is really real low energy. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I think I jumped the gun on that one. She was walking you into it.

It didn't look like I'm like, ah, fuck. I think I jumped the gun on that one. He was walking you into it. It didn't look like I might have fucked that up. They are willing to give me... Oh, fuck. No, I already lost the paper. Oh. So did they. Lamectal? The first thing they want to do is give you stuff that you've had before. That's not the one that you gave her that made her lactate.

No, that's Risperidol. That's Risperidol. That's the one that's crossed off the list. But yeah, Lamictal I've taken, and then Geodon and Latuda. Latuda sounds like it'd fix your attitude, maybe. Oh, it sounds like a black lady in a fucking Taco Bell drive-thru. Maybe it just sounds like someone who would have attitude then. I'm not sure.

The one they always advertised was a flow-naise TV. It's like some nasal soup, but it just sounded like mucus and mayonnaise mixed. Flow-naise. Repulsive. But we'll get through this. You've brushed up on your politics. No, I wish. I'm glad.

We originally planned to do it the entire marathon podcast. Like polls open East Coast or 3 o'clock East Coast time. That's why I had to go to L.A. I need to talk to Rogan and Hennigan all at the same time in the same room. And we'll beat this out in 30 minutes rather than, well, I'm going to go up to the comedy store, and hopefully I see him, and maybe he'll text me back. All right.

Fucking Rogan knows his shit. Well, we'd like, all right, if we're selling tickets to a live audience, how do you do that? You'd have to, well,

we'll sell it in blocks. And like, oh, that means you have to clear the room and ruin the flow and fuck it. Let's just do,

you know, a four hour, seven to 11 chunk. Like a super comedy show. Yeah, because it's not like we're going to be commenting. I mean, we can comment. We'll have a TV there with the results as they're coming in,

and we don't even remember. I don't know when the fucking thing gets called. The only one I remember is the one with the dangling Chad one where we're up until fucking 3 in the morning going, fuck it, they're not going to call it. This will still happen at 7 a.m. That might happen again this year. Yeah, that's true. Dangling Chad.

I did start to think, I was like, I should probably think of something to talk about, you know, about the election. I don't know fucking shit all about the election. And then, like you said, probably nobody will talk about the election. But before I got that far, I remembered who all was going to be there and i was like it's probably just going to be me giving up my seat a lot so a lot of us going to be giving up our seat really say

a lot probably that's why i thought if we can do it we might start a bit early or even with just our own equipment and start an hour you know what i could do i just thought of this because because i just realized it's on this... I just found out now. This is really a production meeting. I just found out now from you that this is going to be live on stage. I could actually bring portable and we could set it up in the VIP room.

We could do one before the show even starts. Me, you, and Chad. Alright. Yeah, we could do that. And anyone waiting back there, we can do our own. Yeah. Perfect.

Yeah, just to put out later. Yeah. Green Room. Green Room. Yeah, the Green Room podcasts. With Kerry Mitchell. I got to tell people that the End of the World podcast

is supposed to be live streamed. So now we got Rogan's tech guy, because they do the live shit. He says the internet at the comedy store sucks, so we're going to try to do it as much as possible live, but from what I've heard, it's probably going to go down, and I don't know anything about how that works. So tune in.

Follow me and Rogan on Twitter, and we'll rogan on twitter and oh yeah you'll find out yeah and then tweet me in chat so we can find out it's yeah it's gonna you know what we're all at an age where listen we're gonna have fun and we're gonna try to let you in on it. And that's the best we can do. So I'm going to try to get back to eating solid foods with shame and regrets of unknown things from the last two weeks of parties with another party. I've got to get back on the road just to save my life i need to work just to god i had to clean house all day which i mean four hours and i like wow that fucking hitler

had it right with the work shall set you free it was the only time i didn't feel suicidal was washing blankets and stained sheets. To be fair, you're not at the river's edge scrubbing on a rock. You're just loading a... They might have been stained from someone being a ghost on Halloween. I don't know, but there was a lot of people here. Yeah, after the party, the farts festival, I think I was one of the first people to walk into the little house. Yeah, I found young boys' underwear.

I'm like, Andy, what? Oh, no, it was bird cloud. Fruit of the looms for a 12-year-old. Yeah, that's bird cloud. I found a Donald Trump mask with the hole cut out for its mouth, like super wide. Tracy's like, just put that in the trash. Just don't even touch it.

Just sweep it off. Use like something to sweep it off the counter. And I go, it's stuck to some honey. Well, wake her up and tell her to throw it out on the way. There were jelly beans smashed on the floor. Oh, someone swept the smashed jelly beans. That was me. Someone swept the smashed jelly beans. That was me. And left them in a pile.

Well, it was with my foot because I wasn't going to touch anything. And I got them to a corner because I didn't want anyone who would go back in to keep smashing them. So I kicked them into a corner, into a pile. And I was going to go back. And then I probably just realized how gross that was. And I was hoping someone else would do it. Someone else did it. Awesome! It's a teamwork.

It takes a village. You guys need a shop vac around here it sounds like to me. With one of those grab handles that doesn't talk. With one of those handles that they use for the old people to get the pills at the top shelf. Do they make a disposable shop vac?

Yeah, that runs everything through bleach on the way through to clear your DNA. Yeah, it was a good weekend. So that was, yeah, that's the last we left them. We started Henry Phillips' movie was fucking great. Oh, yeah. We had it set up to play outside, and then this freak fucking rainstorm comes through right as we're about to... Like 20 minutes before we're...

Because we're starting at 5. Everyone, and so everyone's gathering. Literally 20 minutes, there's like... Did I feel a raindrop? Well, Jasmine, they just woke up. They were just coming out of the guest house from Bird Cloud. Comes out, she goes, well, could be worse. With us, it was a hailstorm wherever they played,

and not three minutes after she said that, the rainstorm turned into a hailstorm. It came in so hard sideways, we had to bring the bamboo blinds down that have been up for three years like tied in place shawnee like cut them with a knife i felt like we were on a boat like pirate released them yeah it was like so crazy the sails cut those down we'll capsize so he did that and it was really coming in sideways and we've got powered monitors. We've got the 50-inch TV out there.

60, thank you. 60-inch. Everything we had done for the past hour and a half had just been struck or covered in plastic within 10 minutes. Yeah, as we're supposed to. And all the patio furniture is out there to watch Henry's movie. So even when it did subside,ide still couldn't sit out there to watch the movie because everything's soaked so we you chaley the hero got it set up in here in the fun

house and it fucking it was so good it's better than the first one which is rare so many cameos i know it was an inside comedy group so there's lots of applause when you see your buddy, but it was fucking funny. You're in it. I didn't even know you were in it. I think you forgot you were in it. Yeah, that was... Shawnee had the equipment that I didn't have,

and vice versa, that if either of us wasn't here, I don't know if we would have played on the TV because we moved everything in and we had to convert cables and stuff. So it ended up working out really good and I'm glad we watched it in here. We had like 40-some people watching that movie,

like eight people outside just watching through the windows. It was more than that outside because I was outside. There was a good 20 people outside of us. You could hear better here than we would have. I mean, outside would have been loud. You could hear better outside, depending on where you were in here.

I was like, oh, this is great. He's trying to make people feel good about to sit outside. I did. It's not a can of smoke. It's not a can of smoke, yeah. It wasn't incredibly visual, so if you didn't see all the parts, you could still hear it and get the whole fucking movie. So, yeah, it was a great movie. movie like you said better than the first maybe even which was a great movie too

i thought yeah and then uh then the bands went up well because we were off by about two hours oh that's right we just bird cloud bird cloud went straight up and it was they were they were gonna they played two songs the night before, just to kind of sound check before Castle Rock County went up. And then it was like, they were going to use every moment before the 10 o'clock curfew. Oh, that's right. The cops showed up the first night, the Friday night.

Hey, don't worry. We're going to have it done by 10. Music's done. Noise ordinance. We read the police beat we know what goes on on the mean streets of bisbee uh and so after we did the hangover podcast or maybe before i called the cops saturday during the day and said hey listen we had uh some noise complaints last night i think it it's going to be worse tonight because someone put a nine-foot effigy pinata of Trump

on top of my deck, and I don't think my neighbors will know I'm kidding. So I might have noise complaints. And by the way, all the Bisbee PD are welcome. And they showed up right before Bird Cloud's last song, where they famously have the vagina monica, which plays a harmonica out of a vagina. I don't know how it works.

It's not that graphic. You can kind of figure it out. Yeah, but it's... When you listen to Bird Cloud's catalog, you're going to understand why my lifeless neighbors called the cops immediately. And so they were standing watching the show on the other side of the gate,

and I just went out the gate and I said, hey, I forget the cop's name that I heard was on duty. other side of the gate and i just went out the gate and i said hey uh you know i i forget it's the cop's name that i heard was on duty like and he goes oh you're you're doug and yeah nice to meet you you guys want to come in it's like the beverly hills cop scene wasn't there a scene like that or anyway they go no no we can't we can't i go well just hang out for this is their last song they're going into and it's supposed to be a great number oh that's where they had the headsets yeah all right yeah yeah whatever it was i wasn't really paying attention but i know they're about to close like just i'll hang out and you can watch from this side of the gate they go now we have to

deal with that insane asylum down in old Bisbee. It was Saturday night. Have a great night. You too. Done by 10, right? Yep. We were literally on like a New Year's Eve countdown clock for them to finish because they were like, we got two more songs.

You have three minutes. And then Shawnee's just cutting the power. I mean, that's the way it's going to go. Yep. So they just whipped into that last one, which was hilarious. It was fucking great. They moved everything inside, and Morgan Murphy and Jezel Nick. Everyone's standing around with a wet back from sitting on the cushions.

Still wet from the night before. At that point, no one gave a shit. Yeah, it was great. I'm sitting here listening to this surprise that I forget shit that happened. That seems early in the night. I don't remember a lot of shit already at that point. Yeah, then it went on in the fun house. You went up.

What did you do? Okay, hold on. Doug, you said, I'm done. Someone else needs to host this party. Oh, I don't remember that. Yeah, and that's when Jeselnik went up and basically started the comedy show.

Oh, that's right. I didn't fall down. No, no. He just said, I'm done. Which was great. Because he didn't know everyone here, but he knew enough. And then he remembered the people from the night before that were comics. But yeah, him not knowing people made it much better.

Way better. Yeah, yeah. I like that. He's fucking destroyed him and Morgan Murphy. And it was Morgan Murphy's birthday at midnight. Yeah. We did stay up for that. Got her on stage for her birthday.

We stayed up way past that. Was that the night we danced at the end of the night? That was the night that I remember I pulled the iPad out and I started playing music in here. And then I would pull up karaoke songs so that people could sing along. But it was really a dance party because of Jenny, Chad's wife, fucking kicking it. She kept coming up with great songs that got everyone fucking dancing.

And it was about eight of us in here. And then Chad's all, look at that fucking faggot Hollywood party out on the deck. Fuck those guys. Yeah, we kept getting accused of being Hollywood. For a while, I've stayed away from the,

because all the comics clustered together. Yeah, yeah. Henry Phillips and all the LA guys. Of course they do. And I was afraid to go over there because there's people I don't know here. There always are neighbors or something. So I'm always talking to the guy no one knows anyway.

But then I thought, oh, if I go over there, I'm going to look like I'm all Hollywood. No, it was fun. We had a good time in the old fun house that night. That's fun. And then it continued on again through football Sunday. A lot of people left. I didn't come back Sunday. I was done.

I know I saw daylight Monday morning. You started drinking in the morning again. Yeah. You went down for a little bit, but it was late and then you got back up. Oh, that's right. Yeah, the late games went down for a little bit, but it was late, and then you got back up. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the late games, I fell down for like three hours or so. I was up to about seven on Saturday night, Sunday morning, because at one point I went down, and my buddy Randall was crashed out. Sometime during the night, he went down. He had to. He's visiting from Pennsylvania. He's a buddy from up in Anchorage.

He's the one that Henry, when I got to LA after this, said, who is that guy that he aged like 15 years in three days? And he's described him in the mop top. Randall was the lead singer from the Marilyn Manson tribute band that I was in with Bart up in Anchorage. He was the lead singer. So when I went down at like, I think it was like six in the morning seven in the morning he had just showed

me this gg allen song tough fucking shit and he's asleep he's been asleep for i've been poking him every once in a while just to make sure he's still breathing right and i went i grabbed the guitar off the wall and i just started right into the song, and he fucking popped right up and sang right on cue to the fucking verse. I go, get your ass up. We're going upstairs, and we were up here singing songs with Eric and everyone until 9 in the morning. That's a Chaley move.

Remember, Chaley would go into his narcoleptic, sitting at the desk, and then he's snoring. And you go, hey, what was the hit song from the uh fucking the the bgs that is right uh whatever someone say staying alive but that isn't the hit and then go right back to sleep it's a condition yeah so uh yeah then uh it was football and uh i was still crashed out and uh i remember i went i think we bought squares but i think that's as close as i got up to up here was a five dollar bill that i gave to someone else to put in for squares yeah i did a bird cloud texted me or i texted them i woke up and they were still here most people left but most of the

like it was andy and junior that were still here that i well they weren't here we've been on the road for fucking three weeks they were leaving on monday morning and bird cloud was leaving monday morning because they had a gig in san diego well that's i said let me know if you rally i'll get up yeah and they go oh we're already at the in the fun house and all right i'll get up had a couple of drinks and next thing you know it's fucking daylight and and then i i'm done i'm completely i just fell. Do you know where you fell down? No. I'm going to tell you. Where?

The couches were still out on the deck out here. They're still out in the sun. And the sun had started to go down. By the time I got up, it was about 6 o'clock. And you were asleep on a couch. And Bingo was at her feet up, kicking back, just kind of hanging out with you. And she's like, hey, we're doing alone time. You're out in the driveway?

Yeah, you're totally asleep. And you got your Saks underpants pulled over your head for an eye mask. Which means you had no underpants on. And you just had an Afghan blanket on. Yep, that never goes away. on and you just had an Afghan blanket on. Yep. That never goes away. So glad I didn't come back.

But then it went on after that. Because then we did karaoke in the... Bird Cloud, they had to do that runner with us and still drive seven and a half hours to San Diego and do a gig.

And I, Oh geez, I don't know how I'm going to make that up to them, but they're young. We probably did some shit like that. I don't remember it, but I didn't see, I didn't say goodbye to Andy or junior or anyone that left.

They, yeah, they were packed up the night before. So I knew that they were at least headed together. I remember that night, Sunday night, we were in here. It was Bird Cloud, Junior, Andy, Tracy, Bingo, myself, Randall for a little while. Then he fell over, like literally fell out of a chair three times. And the next day I realized he was sitting in that chair

that that fat guy wrecked. So it's like a weeble wobble chair. Other one like that? Yeah. And a couple of days later I tweeted, hey, dude, don't feel so bad. You can't set a book in that chair without it falling over after that guy sat on it. He wrecked the chair. It's not your fault.

He goes, I felt like shit, man. I had to just get out of there. Every time he got up, we were getting ready to play. Shaylee is going to play. And it's all, you know, the Lumineers, Nice Mellow Song.

And then fucking Randall goes, feet up all the way back on a chair. And then it's like, you okay? And we get him to sit up. We get ready to start again.

One, two, whoops! Straight up and down again. Why is it, if I woke up and remembered sleeping in the driveway with my underpants on my head, I would feel awful. But if I hear it from you and I don't remember at all, it's hilarious.

Oh, yeah. There's plenty of pictures of it. I mean, they were lining up, ruining your alone time. They were the pants you wore for three days. That's so fucking, like, over your face. Those were the black and yellow striped underpants that you've been parading around in for three days. That's so fucking, like, over your face. Those were the black and yellow striped underpants that you'd been parading around in for three days. Now they're on your head.

I was wearing ladies' underpants the last night. I just found them in the laundry. They weren't mine. Don't think I'm weird. They weren't mine. Borrowed them from a gal. He didn't buy them. Oh, my God. Thatorrowed them from a gal. He didn't buy them. Oh my god.

That was a late night too. That last one. Because by the time I went down Sunday night I'm talking about Monday morning. You might be talking about a different morning. That was Sunday night, Monday morning.

That's when I woke up with underpants on my head. No, that was Sunday during football. All right. Yeah. Anyway. Don't even try to remember, dude. All I know is I had to go to L.A. on Tuesday. Yeah.

And to get this thing together. And then I'm right back with Jezelnik, Henry, erickson mitchell it's just this party i just i had to leave town to get back to the party i just left it's three more days and then i like i didn't rogan was busy i had to extend my flight i was always supposed to be there two days come on just fucking cancel your flight i was at the end so stretched and paranoid that i can read you the text messages i was sending to rogan just i don't want to do this show anymore but we we rented out the room and can you just take this over for me and do it please i don't no one cares this is back when it was supposed to be this all day and night affair.

It's like, just fucking relax, man. We're just going to fucking talk and have fun. Like, oh, just one, one, you know, five word sentence. Just fucking relax. We'll talk and have fun. Oh, good. All right. I'm good now.

Thanks, Joe. Oh, good. All right. I'm good now. Thanks, Joe. So, yeah, by the time I get back from that, seeing a lot of daylight. Came back for... Tracy, can I get a vodka drink? Sorry.

Does anyone else need a drink? Chad's getting one right now. Tracy, thank you, Tracy. I didn't mean to interrupt you, Doug. Oh, no, no, it's all right. Just, I came back in time for your Halloween party. Yes. Laysanized that party.

I hate it. That was... I felt like a fucking asshole. Jenny told me later, I was like, what the fuck happened to me? Because I started off the day incredibly in a bad mood, and I didn't know if I was going to make it. I guess I didn't eat all

day on halloween on halloween yeah and uh so i got fucking hammered because i remembered fucking i was like hogging karaoke making everybody listen to me sing every fucking song i wanted to sing whether i knew the words or not it was horrendous and then I was like I felt bad for a minute and then I was like wait. That's kind of the level of the room. Normally when I feel bad it's because I fucking did something really bad that I have to worry about going to jail for. Fucking singing

karaoke in front of your fucking drunk friends is nothing. I don't give a shit. Shit I didn't know all the words to House of the Rising Sun. What an asshole. I'm fucking drunk. That was a good night, though. You did a great job, Chad.

Once again, the butcher. Explain the butcher of Black Knob for the people who didn't hear that one episode. The butcher of Black Knob is basically we do kind of a haunted entrance to the Black Knob house because it's got steps up it's got kind of a little yard out front

and last year we just kind of set up opaque plastic sheeting like visqueen so that you couldn't really see until you got up into the house and then Chad had this little mechanism that would make these lights go off

and a big noise and stuff. And then he would come out as a butcher of black knives. We had little scenes of bodies, body parts and stuff like that, but nothing active. This is basically a haunted house without the house.

It's just a front yard, but you set it up so well. A haunted trick or treat. Yeah. So last year, it was just really this plastic sheet hanging from the trees and stuff like that. So this year, we had our buddy Fury come over, and he's fucking handy with a hammer, man.

He set that whole thing up like a facade up in the front. You can see the pictures on Facebook. Yeah, yeah, we'll put them on this thing. We set this facade up on the side, and then now the butcher has a kill room that he comes out of with a sliding door and fucking blood handprints. Yeah, it's so much shit.

If the listener doesn't know, you and your brother do haunted house shit. He has a business. Ghost Ride Productions in Bellevue, Washington. Where they make all of the crazy latex, full, realistic-looking dead body. Well, Doug, what you're talking about is a two-part process. The AB foam, the polyurethane, the mold. The dude hanging in the tree outside my kill shed looked like a fucking dead guy.

That was a guy hanging by his arms with a full wig. Quality control for your brother. Totally. Their eyes bulge out more. He's cut off just below the belly button and his intestines are hanging out.

That was the way I hoped everyone saw as they were leaving. So Chaley puts all his work into this. This is the second year of it. You plan ahead for Haunted House the same way Kenny plans his wrap for the Super Bowl in July. So I know the work you put into it,

and it was astounding. And there was no place for us to really watch the kids get... There were some kids that got scared shitless. Well, last year you weren't here. You got stuck in Iceland. And you guys, I think you were in an airport or something while we were doing it. Like you missed the whole day that you could have been here

and then that night. So it was kind of a bummer. So this year you were here and I was like, I wonder if he's going to come down. I was telling Tracy, I don't know. Does he want want to scare kids or i didn't know what you wanted to do and you didn't you ended up just driving down yeah we sat in the fucking van and just watched through the window it was great it was like mobile green room we have to do on it we just me and uh who was here for that that was so that was uh poji poji steve poji great comic

showed up out of the blue hey i'm gonna come down i gotta get away from stuff and i'm like year for that. That was Poji. Poji. Steve Poji. Great comic. Showed up out of the blue. Hey, I'm going to come down. I've got to get away from stuff. And I'm like, I've got to get away from people. This is fucking week two. And now the party's coming back, Happy. But he was great. I forget. Marcus was the kid's name.

And Poji's at Tulsa. At the Looney Bin. Where we did Mobile Green Room. Brings me right back. So yeah, we And Poji's at Tulsa at the Looney Bin where we just played. Where we did Mobile Green Room. Brings me right back. So, yeah, we stocked up with a bunch of alcohol, sat in a van, parked right next to the kids, but tinted windows. So we just sat there and smoked cigarettes and laughed at kids.

There was one kid that I don't remember being young that much so when i one of the first kids was probably five in a superman costume and i'm like oh shit this kid that kid there's it's full gore it's full gore we say the flyers we put out said butcher black knob full-size candy bars so which sounded very pedophilic, but you have to live there. Yeah, yeah. But then it also... Full-size candy bars. It brings them to the door. But it did say ages eight and up,

and we do that just because we want them to know it's not... And it says gore, and it says blood, and then if it's the younger kid, Chad knows, he won't come out all fucking just you know defcon one he this year i did this year i came out on every single one i didn't give a fuck this year first kid didn't give a shit he wanted his candy he wanted to know when he can

eat his candy can i eat it now and you're standing there going with a fucking big mask on. With a head. With a severed head. That was the greatest. At one point, there's a lull and kids come by and Chad comes over to the van. He's like, hey, can you hold my head? I got to take a piss. So, yeah, I misread that. Like, I don don't what age they get and then that kid that sprinted

left his parents and sprinted the parents are standing in the street he had to be like 10 or 11 or some fucking booked booked and no he wasn't a black kid they're naturally scared of zombies yeah it's good where you park because uh there's a street light right on the other side of you so you you kind of like help block in a little that's right we took those mannequin heads and put those out the window yeah that was good try to help yeah doug's like uh hey shaley he's like looking over the fence into into the blackknaut backyard, and I'm wrangling some gear.

I'm just fucking crazy trying to get ready in time. And he goes, hey, you know, there's some mannequins up here if you want. And I'm like, did I tell him what we got going on down here? How would the mannequin look next to Arnie hanging down with his guts hanging out? There's a mannequin. I meant to put a mask on or something. I't know a mask okay well we did that with kenny yeah we put oh my god there was one kenny's dressed up in all black with this uh a leather bondage mask i thought it was a mask it's a bondage mask that's shaped like a dog's head

doberman yeah like like Like weird, like blocky. Like it would be like Minecraft making a Doberman. It would be all blocky ears. Yeah, the gimp from... Yeah. I was going to say full metal jacket. Pulp fiction. That's how bad I am.

Yeah. But with a dog head instead. Yeah. And there was one parent that commented, that's not an Halloween mask. That's a sex mask. I was like, well, you're the one who knows it. At first we tried to hide in the van and at some

point we'd get drunk or just hung out. Well, everyone else was hanging around to watch kids get scared. I go, I guess we jump out of the van now. But it was fucking great. But Chad, you did it from dusk till 9 p.m yeah which was at least three hours mate no as if no we started right at six the first people came up

at six he was ready at 5 30 oh yeah yeah so by the time 7 45 came hey good news you only have an hour and 15 minutes left now get back and get back in your sweat lodge well you're you're butcher of black knob gear we had uh we had these we had these cheap little sweaty we had these cheap little uh uh 100 watt uh fog machines from the spirit store right they're disposable you 39, and you use them for the year. And if you just use them for the year, that's fine. Well, I got the second one this year, and they've got these remotes. So we got one inside Chad's kill room,

which is completely enclosed. And then he comes out, and he's supposed to hit the fog right before he's going to come out. So there's a little bit of fog comes out, right? And then I've got one over by me, which I'm like, oh, here come some kids. I nail the fucking thing.

I turn it on at the beginning before they're even walking up. So it's going... They're on the same frequency. My remote is turning his on inside his kill room. And he's in there just going, how the fuck...

I'm inside. It's like two foot by three foot inside this thing. And it's just filled with fuck. And I don't know if he knows where it was. I'm like, he's doing a good job on that fog. It's really rolling out of there. He had no idea. But halfway through, I figured out that if I opened the door a little ways and then stood back, they couldn't see me,

and then I could run the fog, and it would go. Instead of spilling, it would come out and look creepy. Creepier to see just partially parted door anyway. And wonder if, yeah. And then I make the little disturbance on one side. Yeah, we just ping pong them back and forth all night. It was great. So much fun.

Oh, my God. Yeah. But again, then it drifted up here with new neighbors we met at another party of sorts. I think we did... Oh, yeah, that's because, yeah,

we made the kid go up on stage. Yeah. The one that was Steve Pogey's ride, Marcus. Sorry I forget your last name, Marcus, but he's a local Tucson comic, and it's always fun to make someone that's a new comic open mic-er go up. You're fucking killed. We had some crashers.

Oh, yeah. They emailed me a couple days later. Hey, sorry. Hope we weren't out of line. I don't remember who you are. You reminded me. The blue girl and the dude with the blue hair. They were from the comedy club

that Poji was just at. So Poji kind of invited them. That's fine. Yeah, they were good. I remember that because that started the whole me acting like a fucking jackass, the whole thing. You asked me to introduce that guy

and then I introduced him on stage. And then he did. But then you went up and told a story on stage. Ah, dude, you got good stories. I went up and told a story. That was good. All you were missing was the fucking twist at the end to thank you, good night.

And that was, you could have taken that to the main room of the comedy store. He probably is. If you listen to the podcast we did, you might be able to get a couple of beats on that. That I missed. Yeah, just because it was a little bit more, it was actually, you know what it was? I think it was the first time you actually told that story.

Well, it's the first time I tell a story on a stage, even though it was just a few drunk people here. It's different telling a story to your friends in the room, even if you're yelling and being the center of attention, still different than if you're yelling and being the center of attention still different than when you're on a stage with a microphobia that's my point is that in that recording that we have from last year you might be able to pull some of the beats that would yeah tie that up right yeah sure i knew i missed the we've created a frankenstein's monster jaws fucking so hammered. And then there was

you know, well of course you were. You were on stage. Oh god. No, two days later when I would breathe, I had to make sure my face wasn't near a pillow or the side of it because vodka would just make my eyes water.

Two days later I was like, my God. It was bad. It was a lot. It was quite a bit. And then last night, game seven of the World Series. Where I tried to root against the Cubs.

But it was a fucking great game. Wait, you didn't have the Cubs? No, I was giving shit to everyone. Yeah. For Bartman. Remember that last podcast with James Inman? 30 for 30. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was a great game and yet another reason to be fucking drunk. That's it. Chad, did you know the Cubs won? I saw that hey Cubs fans when you're listening to this probably coming back from that parade

all drunk happy your Cubs won remember your life still sucks still got that weird lump your brother's still autistic Your life still sucks. Still get that weird lump. Your brother's still autistic. Your wife doesn't talk to you at breakfast.

Yeah. Cubs won. Remember that game? Oh, wait. Hang on. You got to get to work. Get back to the meat packing plant. Slap sides of beef like fucking Rocky. Goubs won cubs won the only fan whose life is better

today is bill murray yeah that's i felt really bad because we already set up that hey fucking just bust balls on twitter and just hashtag bartman and curse and all that and then you see bill murray there and i'm like, I already started this, but I'd turn for Bill. That's that. Let me hit some thank yous to our people who mail us shit. I just cleaned out this shelf.

This shelf has been building up for so long. This was a go to on Twitter at Cookies by Al. Is that this guy? Yeah, he sent us cookies last year. He makes his own cookies.

He's out of Minneapolis. The cookie guy. The cookie guy. But he's at Cookies by Al. Yeah, yeah. His name's Al. So yeah, he sent us these homemade weird cookies

and shit with bacon bits in it and stuff, but blueberry, white chocolate, this and that, cinnamon, maple. Last night was maple, cinnamon, blueberry. It was very good. And the disclaimer, Al, thank you so much, and I appreciate all the work,

but we got the box right before we went on tour, and the box sat here, and then it sat through the week of the farts festival we still ate them we ate some last night that blueberry one was we were out of shit for that halloween thing and i'm like oh kenny opens a box when he's cleaning up he's like there's cookies in here i go oh fuck the cookies at least we have something for people and they love them except yes he explains the one with bacon bits is a big fan favorite with those baking people. Well, you know what?

Not around here. That blueberry cinnamon maple? Fucking top notch. All of them were. That was really good. I didn't taste all of them. I'm just saying, the people, if I lived in L.A. still and you sent me that same box, people would be jumping into the peanut butter bacon bit one first.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, let's try something exotic. Here. Fuck that. Why would you put bacon in a fucking cookie? Not quite that aggro. All right. Tug from Mountain Creek, Harley-Davidson in Dalton, Georgia,

sent Chad Shank a couple of Harley-Davidson poker chips right there. Right here. Look at that. That's right. Tug, he's a parts associate at the good old Mountain Creek Harley-Davidson. Thanks, Tug. Bunch of people sent Bibles. You know what?

I didn't write down your names. Thank you, though. i open a bible i feel like this is just luggage now we're taking them i know i think about having to haul them out of the van on tour but i don't have to do that chaley does but it's still in my head thank you for the bibles uh someone has been sending a shitload of books someone said if we didn't already mention it, Mile High, The Comeback of Cannabis. That's the documentary about the comeback of cannabis in Colorado, along with some hemp T-shirts.

I'm going to blow through these. Sent some T-shirts and a DVD. I haven't watched it. Someone sent a Bill Cosby book. Someone sent Lenny Bruce's How to Talk Dirty and Influence People. Someone sent book Ass Goblins of Auschwitz by Cameron Pierce. Someone sent Trouble Boys, The True Story of the Replacements. Love the fucking...

Oh, that's Tommy Stinson. All right, good, good. My Damage, Keith Morris with the story of a punk rock survivor. A lot of these books... Circle Jerks and Black Flag. All right, and then Under the big black sun that's the one i'm going to read next uh john dole history of la punk by john doe from x and a lot a lot of these books showed up with just just showed up like no from amazon someone's buying a shit oh

oh fuck someone is and i'm probably not the same person, but someone sent, like, vaginal rejuvenation gel. Oh, that's mine. And someone actually sent the Jehovah's Witnesses. That's on the pantry at Amazon. No, it's good for under your eyes. It makes them hairier.

Well, Bingo gets this stuff because she's ordering all this dumb shit from amazon for her birthday that comes in my name so she's just opening all my packages thinking that it's her stuff and she gets that one and thinks did you what is this did you order this is that for me this honey that's a obviously kind of lame prank someone else sent a had a the jehovah's witnesses tower fucking thing sent and they bring it watch themselves watch tower and uh did you do that to me on purpose i had to sit through they brought that to the door i go no that's what a fucking that's one of my goofy fans would you created the jehovah's witness just to fool her like come on you know they also just walk through the neighborhoods too nobody necessarily had to send them that's a long con

he creates a religion just to fucking bingo someone said i'm gonna send adult diapers because he gives out his address. Are you having a problem shitting yourself? No, honey, we give out our address. That's why. That's what happens. What's that address? 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603.

Try to be a little more creative. Send it to Zoom. This book, this guy messaged me, Joey Kirkman. He wanted me to read his Bedtime Bible Stories audio book. I have to check it out. But it's anime. It's a lot of pictures. I don't know.

He said he's going to be at the comedy store and have Adderall when we get to L.A. Thank God. Tell him to get there early. Yeah, I plan on talking to this guy. So, hey, Joey, I'll talk to you when we get to L.A. 30 minutes after you meet him? Yeah. More than he was expecting.

I thought I'd get a word in edgewise. See, that might be good for the VIP, the green room one. We can do our own little private podcast back there. Just fire up the mics, and that would be something. Now I just realized I just invited him on it. No, but you know what I mean. All right, yeah. It's going gonna be a fun

it's gonna be a fun 24 hours i just saw i i was saw some cnn it's on all the time here with the election and it was uh they're showing uh some volunteers for clinton or trump sitting there going okay and we've you can work the phone bank. One volunteer talking to another. You can work the phone banks from 8 to 12 on Sunday. And I thought, wow. We could get our listeners to do phone banks for Gary

Johnson as Gary Johnson. Because nobody knows he's running for the most part, much less what he sounds like. You know what? Grab an old fucking white pages from the thrift store. Just start going down.

And just call people up and say, you're Gary Johnson. You're running for president. Steal a couple sound bites off of his website. And they'll go, you called me directly. Gary Johnson, you're a female yes you know what i don't discriminate and that's one thing about what was that video you showed us last night that was a clip gary johnson oh that was so great you know local tv Johnson. He's doing some local TV thing. Did you see it, Chad? The weed one? Yes. He's battling against some anti-weed chick.

And your chances of having a heart attack go up 5.1% in the first 30 minutes after you smoke a marijuana pipe cigarette or some dumb shit. It's exactly like that. And he's sitting there. He's got the commentator in between the two on the stage.

And at some point, he just grabs his heart and falls over. Like feet sticking in the air. Wheezy, this is the big one. I was glad I voted for him just when I saw that. I was like, I don't care about anything else. That's fucking funny. Yeah, he got on the ballot in Arizona. How many states? All of them?

And did Green Party get in all of them? I think so. All right, I've done my prep for Tuesday. So yeah, if you want to vote with your vagina instead of knowing anything about the issues, vote for Jill Stein. Vote third party.

Come on. I see people on Twitter that I know don't know a fucking thing. I know I don't. And I know they're dumber than me. And they're voting with their vagina and cheerleading just because it's a woman.

Well, do that for Jill Stein. That's what's frustrating to me is knowing that I went to school with you people. I know how fucking dumb you are. You don't know anything about politics. But I'm going to miss it when it's over because I like feeling superior to people. I usually feel horrible about myself. But whenever I see how many people give a fuck and have an opinion,

I really feel better about myself, to be honest with you. So I don't know. I'm going to have to find something else to feel better about myself. You will. You give a fuck about this. That's the thing. It's not throwing away your vote. If any third party can get just, I think it's 5% of the vote,

then they get funding. Federal funding. Yeah. And then they'll change the rules again, like they did after Ross Perot. But for a minute, maybe you have a fucking third option. So, yeah, it's not throwing away your vote. I was impressed to see both of them,

both those parties on there. That's good. Save it for the next podcast. And call up, like, five or ten neighbors. Say you're Gary Johnson. Actually, just call people you know. Call people you know at work and say, hey, this is Gary Johnson. Well, the other candidates are all robocalls.

No, this is actually me. I have a caller ID. This says Doug Stanhope. We're actually polling at 44% now now we found wondering why you're not on the bandwagon we found if you use a c-list celebrity you can get people to actually answer the phone hey doug i i gotta go back to the last tour this was um during the tour uh people would come up to the merch booth and they'd hand me money and go, I just want you to have this.

I go, oh, thanks. He goes, to give to Chad. So Mark in Kentucky, Seth in St. Louis, and some guy, Chris, thank you very much. I have now finished the agreement. I really appreciate it. Cash is always a nice thing. I can pay my traffic ticket now.

Oh, and then Bill Nash also sent me. From Nash Guitars. Yeah. He actually sent you and I some cash. Guitar picks. More picks. Yeah. Thanks for the Twiggy Ramirez.

And he is the guy, I've said this before, but he keeps doing it. He buys your book online, and then when he travels, he replaces the hotel Bible with your book, and then sends us the fucking Bible. So good. That's so great. Where is Nash Guitars located? Why aren't we cutting fucking commercials for this guy? And sends us the fucking Bible. So good. That's so great. Where is Nash Guitars located?

Why aren't we cutting fucking commercials for this guy? We'll do something for him. I think he's out of Phoenix. I'll look it up. Yeah, I'm sure he's out of Phoenix. Hey, if you have Google, there's a new thing called Google. Let's do an ad for Google where you can find Nash Guitars. Where can I get Nash Guitars?

I used Google. You just type it in. There's keys that have letters associated with them. I said Google is my homepage. Homepage? Well, that's a whole other technical issue. So, yeah, thank you, Nash Guitars. Bill Nash.

Thank you, sir. Appreciate that a lot. NashGuitars.com oh did you open that thing where did this one come from Bobby Mayfield sent me a firefighter badge I can wear it on my red jacket

with my UN helmet and my samurai sword. Hey, you know what? Bring some of those guitar picks to Los Angeles with you and we'll leave them in some certain guitars because you know where we're staying. And there's about

80 guitars there. Yeah, you should, yeah. Oh, fuck. I remember the last time we were there. We'll brand you. All right. Okay, hold on. Nash Guitars is actually out of Olympia, fuck. I remember the last time we were there. We'll brand you. All right. Okay, hold on. Nash Guitars is actually out of Olympia, Washington. All right, we'll do something better than dropping a commercial on a podcast with your guitar picks if they have your name on them. Do they?

No. He sends me guitar picks from backstage at all these fucking shows. Oh, cool. That's why I don't usually leave them out in my room because people go, hey, you got a pick? Oh, is that Pete Townsend? Give it back. We're going on the road.

Chaley, drop some fucking dates. You want some dates? Yeah. I just found out because I logged into your account. November 8th, we'll be in Los Angeles at the Comedy Store. November 14th, Irvine, California at the Improv. The 15th, Ontario at the Improv.

The 16th, first time there, I think, Oxnard, California. Levity Live. 17th, San Jose, California at the Improv. The 18th will be at Santa Cruz, but not at Don Quixote's like last time. This is

Cum Umbua. They know. They know. That's in Santa Cruz. By the way, this is the first time I've heard where I play. You are fucking totally listening to me. Usually you tune out after I say seven words. On November 19th, we're back at Roanert Park.

Oh, Sally Tomatoes. Sally Tomatoes. Sally Tomatoes. Worst show ever. You've got to get better communication skills with fucking Hennigan because that was the worst. Yeah, Andy Andrus getting my niece high. Was Andy on that one? Oh, yeah.

He's, like, getting her high, like, yeah, yeah, it's cool. Oh, that's right. She's like, where's my uncle? He's like, don't worry about it. But she told me the whole fucking thing. On the 20th, Reno. All right, so there's definitely dates missing. No, that was the 14th through the 20th.

There's Monday, Tuesday, and then there should be a Wednesday somewhere. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday is Oxnard. Monday is Irvine. Monday is Irvine. Ontario, Oxnard, San Jose, Santa Cruz, Rohnert Park, Reno. Oh, and Reno is at the Cargo Concert Hall

at the Whitney Peak Hotel. Alright. Always good to close in Reno, where I always assumed my career would close. Maybe this is it. And who's going to be with me? I don't know. It's nine days out.

Why would I fucking rush the lineup? We have eight days to figure that out. All my friends, they're not doing anything. I might just, I don't know. You really don't know. We don't know. We'll talk about that now As we close out the podcast With Chad Shank singing the national

I still have to do one more thank you You guys cut off fast Because this guy literally gave me the shirt off his back So if I fucking don't tell him thank you That's kind of a dick move Whenever I said I liked the Black Death t-shirt Whenever you got one This guy sent me one.

No, no, no. This is different. This guy sent me one, and it's actually his shirt, and it fit me. No shit. No, we met him on the tour. It's Billy from St. Louis. He's got an all-for-one tattoo in St. Louis. Thanks a lot, Billy.

I really appreciate it. All-for-one tattoo in St. Louis. Go there. Appreciate it. And somebody else, I can't find. I had the name with all those, so I can't find it now. But somebody actually sent me a long sleeve Black Death one too

but it was an extra large it was too small for me but I gave it to Joby and he loved it so thanks a lot whoever that was I forgot you got one more here

that came in the mail this is from you opened it up and I'll just say it's uh sorry that was unopened because you get mail here so you didn't know

when it was in front of your seat this is Chongware by Tommy Chong. Nice. And what is it? That's cool as shit. It's Tommy Chong. Oh, that is cool. Tommy Chong dressed as the colonel from KFC. But it says THC instead. Extra fried, man. That's nice. Oh, that's good.

Thanks a lot. Hey, what size do you usually wear? 2XL or 3XL. 2X and 100% cotton? Yeah. Oh cotton good to know when I found one of the bird clouds small boys tidy whitey fruit of the looms I also found

a 4XL crew neck black plain black t-shirt in the same load of laundry I'm like wow that's small boys underpants and a big big man's shirt or woman's i don't know yeah we're getting those out yeah and thanks for the postcards and i can't read everything but uh yeah we're just gonna recycle you send me a postcard it goes out with

the merchandise get a t-shirt a dvd book, or whatever the fuck Chaley sells online. Grillmasters, do we have a Grillmasters? Not yet, we're still working on some of the artwork on the packaging. Sandwich Squisher. Sandwich Squisher. God knows what you're selling, but hopefully it's keeping you in town.

We're working on a holiday special coming up, so that'll be in the fleet. And the audio version of the last special, No Place Like Home, comes out November 18th. I hope to have those on the tour, but we'll see. I just found out we had a tour. Yeah, we do a lot of shit last minute. We can move fast. Hey, you know what? We should plan a party for afterwards.

Yeah. End of the tour party. The same day as the last show. We can move fast. Hey, you know what? We should plan a party for afterwards. End of the tour. The same day as the last show. We can fly out. Right into it. Oh, boy. All right, that's a podcast. Let's kill it before it grows.

And let's close out with this song, In Lo loving memory of Bird Cloud. Ready to go. Last evening I was real fucked up On Robitussin, Robo-Trippin, Truckers, Peed-a-Poppy, Seeds, Yellow Jackets, Mad Dogs, Cocaine, Listerine, Puppets, Whippers, Alcohol Tons of weed, man, I did it all, but not tonight Hear your lights, I see your sirens Here's my proof of insurance and my driver's license No sir, can't think of no warrants I got nothing to hide

Come on, fuck you, cop What you gonna do? What you gonna do? Gonna play to say my alphabet for, say my alphabet backwards. Follow your pen to count to one thousand. Touch my finger to my nose, touch my finger to your nightstick. Spread my legs and call the canine unit. One, two, three, four, 4, 4, 3, 2, 1 Stand on one leg, whichever one you want to

Feet together, head back, arms out to each side The horizontal gaze, the stagmas I said the horizontal gaze, the stagmas All nine steps, heel to toe step Hill to toe Here we go Fuck you car What you gonna do Ain't that the worst feeling? Caught behind me and I ain't even speeding Hadn't had a drink since last evening

I was real fucked up.