The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #176: Bingo in a Coma

Episode Date: November 11, 2016

Bingo is in a coma. The rest of the podcast is the trip to LA for the End of World Podcast and back to Bisbee with Doug Stanhope, Chad Shank, Jobi and Ggreg Chaille.Check out Bert Kreischer's Special THE MACHINE on Showtime November 11 @ 10 PMRecorded Nov. 10, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Ggreg Chaille.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Killing Strangers"' on the album PALE EMPEROR by Marilyn Manson. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hi, this is Doug Stanhope, as heard on the Doug Stanhope podcast. What follows is a podcast we already did, but we have to preface it with Burt Kreischer's new special is going to be on Showtime tonight. Just Google it. It'll help you spell Kreischer Watch His Thing. And now, here's the podcast we just did that we don't want... Fuck. God. No.

Lee, you just leave all the boners in. Remember when boner was just a goof or a mistake, and now it's something I can't get without a pill. Enough of? Hey, watch Bert Kreischer, and here we go, talking about the weirdest, worst, best week of my life.

Starring Chad Shank and others. We continue talking about the weirdest night of my life. Don't fix it! That was perfect. One job, Stan Hope. Let's go back into this where I start perfectly. Oh, good. More edits.

Shut it. No, you keep all this in. Just watch Bert Kreischer's special tonight on Showtime. Or wait later. It's free. If you're fucking not a retard, you can find out a way to get a free 30-day pay. Steal Bert Kreischer's thing.

Steal it. Hold hold on it's coming up if you just had good what the fuck how come it's not on this website i don't even know if it has a name bill burr would have dropped this podcast shirts off guts out don't touch my feelings is that really the name of it no that's funny though this podcast already. Shirts off, guts out. Don't touch my feelings. Is that really the name of it? No, that's funny though. He'll hate you for coming up with that and he

didn't. Burt Kreischer would never hate me. Oh, here it is. Oh, geez. We did a two and a half hour podcast. I should just check my text messages to see if my girlfriend's dead. Oh, I think it's called The Machine, isn't it? Oh, it. We did a two and a half hour podcast. I should just check my text messages to see if my girlfriend's dead. Oh, I think it's called The Machine, isn't it? Oh, it is.

Yeah. The Machine. Again? The last time he's telling The Machine story. Is this special? Then leave him the fuck alone about it and let him tell other stuff because he's funny no matter what. He told it here.

People make him tell it everywhere, and I think that's why he's just going to do it one more time. This is the definitive The Machine story. It's also in his book, Bert Kreischer, Life of the Party, but you can get an Audible as an audio book read by him. Just not read by Chad Chang. So you're saying he's redundant, but this time you can see his chest live?

So it's Burt Kreischer The Machine on Showtime, Friday November 11th, 10pm. That is all. Alright, you guys, we've practiced it. You want to do it? Some of that could be a commercial. You can say and. Oh.

Doug, what do you want me to say and. Oh. Tilting. Ooh. There you go. Doug, what did you want me to say? No, I didn't. I don't know what the fuck you're doing. No, I heard you say my name with one less G than usual. How did you have a fucking other plan when this was over? What happened? I was checking on the dead girlfriend thing. Tracy, take the pictures now.

I'm Greg Shaley. I'm Chad Shank. And I'm Greg Shaley. I'm Chad Shank. And I'm Doug Stanhope. Oh, my God. You need to be a little bit louder. Sorry. I'll turn you up a little bit. I'm Greg Shaley.

I'm Chad Shank. And I'm Doug Stanhope. Is there a volume button on the back there? That's as loud as she gets. All right, I'm going to... No. You're going to say Filipino again, right? Yeah.

Wait, what? Okay, I'll say it louder. You can get closer to that thing, too. It's just not registering on the thing here. I'm Greg Shaley. And I'm Chad Shank. No, no, you can't say and. Oh, sorry, I said and.

I was trying to cut her off. All right, ready? Get a little closer to that. I'm Greg Shaley. I'm Chad Shank. And I'm Doug Stanhope. Is that right? Yeah, that sounds good.

Good. It's a wrap. Oh, shit, it wasn't on. Here, hold on a second. Hold on a second. We're going to do it one more time. We're going to do it one more time. We're going to do it one more time. Are you serious?

Yeah. Yeah, no, you go. Who the fuck knows? I'm Greg Shaley. I'm Chad Shank. And I'm Doug Stanhope. Good. Okay, bingo's in a coma.

I'm going to make this as quick off the top as possible, mostly because the Browns-Ravens Thursday night football game is about to start, and we really need to watch the winless Browns on Thursday. Bingo's in a coma. What I'm going to do is I'm going to give you the quickest overview possible, so that way if you don't want to listen to a whole podcast, I don't have to text you the story. Bingo had her 40th birthday party planned for Monday.

It was going to be the party two days short of her birthday, but that's when the family congealed and came from all over the country. Friends, like 20-some people just from out of town, much less locals. About 80% of them were here already. There was just a few more people that were coming in the next day. Yeah, so this is the pre-party. All of our parties are five days long somehow.

But the bulk of people were showing up on the Sunday or were already here for the Sunday. And Bingo had a seizure. The last time she had a seizure, and I can blame cocaine, but she's already on so many meds, and when there's a stressful situation, she doesn't sleep. She stayed up for days planning things and making little packages and shit.

The last time was right before she shot her music video. So she was up for days. Yeah, there was cocaine involved, but you know what? 90% of our listeners do or have done cocaine, and it doesn't end in seizures.

None of us had a seizure the next night. Yeah. None of us actually planned for two months to put on. The music video was another long stretch of planning and just being manic about it. And the day before, the night before, just like the music video, oh, all of a sudden, blinking eyes,

and that time she fell on her face the seizure is all of a sudden it comes on and she crumbles and either goes forward or backward because both times she's been on elevated like on a hill no no the first time was in a parking lot but wasn't it slanted on no it was a straight she seized straight up and then straight on her face oh wait jobe was there for both of them so you want to blame cocaine blame jobe is also a common denominator and he's got dreamy viking good looks uh so okay so yeah 828 i know know because I was one of 85 people calling 911. She went right backwards from the driveway down a couple steps onto the back of her head, busted it wide open, gushing blood.

I'm drunk enough that I go right for the jokes. Yeah, people saying, saying oh someone uh someone ended up falling call 9-1-1 whatever so i run down there to check it out scott's got her head a nurse he's actually a nurse yeah actually a nurse he was amazing he's got she covered everything for this party oh but yeah she was great too that's like when you get a flat tire right in front of a tire shop yeah she busted her bean open right in front of a nurse. Yeah, perfect. Not fucked up either.

It wasn't like end of the party. This is 828 at night where she's still functional and semi, yeah. And the family, like her parents had just left and that other. It was like 930 at night. Yeah, but they had just left. So it other. It was like 930 at night. Yeah. But they had just left. So it was just kind of winding down.

End of football. So the old winding down for the elders. Bingo's parents had just left. But we're still getting in tune. Yeah. And Scott's holding her head. And I walk around the corner, see her on the ground, him holding her head. And I said, oh, well, we've seen this before.

Okay. There's no panic at all. Yeah, I wasn't even worried about it. And he said, oh, she's bleeding. Grab your phone and see if you can find, you know, turn your light on. Oh, yeah. And so, okay, couldn't really get a good angle. Look underneath, and there's a stream of blood hitting the concrete

and just pouring out. Okay, so someone grabbed me a towel, grabbed the towel, hold the back of her head closed, and he's got one hand underneath her head holding it, and she's still kind of seizing a little bit. My hand is on the back of her head holding her brains in. All I could think of is that's how she used to fake orgasms. And then we're turning on the light, checking her pupils,

both of us back and forth kind of thing. And at 10 minutes it takes for the ambulance to come because someone gave them the wrong address because we got Arizona Street. All right, it was the girl that came in. We're all in the fun house when she had passed out. There's a group of us and a girlfriend that we hadn't met of one of her friends comes in and she goes, don't panic, but we need to call 911. She has her phone in her hand.

Well, why don't you just call 911 rather than make everyone panic? Which we did. No one panicked because it was like, hey, do we need ice? And could someone call 911? It was very subdued. It was very, very cool. At Woodstock, when they go, hey, don't eat the brown acid, people didn't run out shrieking.

Yeah, it was a problem. They're used to these kind of situations. Yeah, we're not going to panic. I just get a drink. So after we wait for the ambulance for an eternity. Yeah, by this time, like her Negan-style wound on the back of her head is, you know, it's getting pretty soppy. So then I call 911, and I made some joke. I go, yeah, I'm guessing you probably get a lot of 911 calls.

And I said something, and she laughed. She goes, yep, and I'm the only one working. And you can hear the phones ringing around her. They're all 911 calls for you. She goes, what is the address? I said, 212 Van Dyke. Everyone knows where I live. Well, someone told me it was 214 Arizona Street.

And I go, who's staying at an Airbnb at 214 Arizona Street? Of course, it's the girl that initially came in. I need to call 911. No one panic. Well, maybe panic would be good if we give you the address of our house rather than where you're staying. Well, it's all I knew. We didn't ask someone.

So close. But we're still laughing. It's still all happy and jovial as the pool of blood swells up. So they take her to the hospital where she's a regular. She falls down a lot. She has some problems. They took her out of here completely. They had the collar on.

Oh, yeah. They had the board. On the board, strapped down. It's a whole thing. If we were football players, we'd all be taking a knee with our helmets beside us. That whole... And it's in a really fucked up place they get to pick her up over a

fence and through a small yeah gate and so they get her in there i'm still not worried yeah she's gonna have to get stitches again at least it's on the back of her head and she doesn't have to film a music video uh and then we go resume the party. And I'm adamant that you know what? Tomorrow she's already rented a bouncy castle. Photo booth? Yeah, one of those old-fashioned photo booths that they're bringing down from Phoenix.

Fucking Elvis midgets jumping out of a plane in parachutes. Not really that, but if she knew it existed, she would have rented it. Don't worry. Party's still going to go on. Everyone here

tomorrow. She's got bartenders she hired to come in so Tracy doesn't have to do it. Party goes on. Make jokes. Make jokes. Make jokes. Then as the evening goes on, still drinking. Oh, it's's really bad it doesn't look good

they're gonna life flight her to tucson just like mother oh hope she enjoys their ride like mother still not too but yeah now a little bit it's becoming real by the way joey was crushing it on jokes for that first the first. Yeah. I mean, you... I've done this before. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah, when it comes to tragedy and making fun of death... I do remember saying that as it got bad. He's killing, dude.

This doesn't happen to us. This happens to Joby. Yeah. It was just when you thought Bingo couldn't make this party any more about her, she pulled it off. Yeah, it was one after another like that. It was good. And pretty spot on.

But then... Hey, remember those pilot guys you knew that flew over after your special with Stan Hope written under the wings and they circled the after party the next day? Do you think they they do that for jenya's baby she's pregnant she doesn't even have a baby yet but they have some goofy nickname for whatever the baby's gonna be and she wanted those pilot guys to fly over with jenya's fake

baby name i go i'm not asking him that do that. That's too many characters. He can't do that. Why not? Because. Wait, for the party? Yeah, she wanted me to you know. That is the nth degree. I mean, she was doing everything. I mean, they were making a pinata

the night before. Tons of crap. Whatever happened to that pinata it's still up there hazard i think oh she had the t-shirts she made it oh wow i've got the t-shirt all the leftover t-shirts by the way so good yeah i think we can return them all right for i already set it up so long story short she's in a coma. Now it's day five. That was Sunday. Tonight's Thursday night.

Thursday night football, Browns, Ravens. And she's still in a coma. Showed some positive signs. At first they were going to have to do surgery to cut out part of her skull for the swelling. Swelling, yeah. But now it doesn't seem like they're going to have to do that. They've put it off a couple of times. Each time they think they're going to have to do that they've put it off a couple of times each time they think they're going to have to

something happens to her because she's already had three CT scans and each time they were we don't know and now they're done and we get to sometimes you get an update great news she wiggled her toes

that's not the great news to you don't start not the great news. To you. Don't start out with great news. That's to you, though, Doug. I know. People are being super positive, and they're taking everything. I know.

That doesn't work on you. Everyone else. I guess I would phrase it more. Hey, listen, she's moving her toes, which the doctors say is a really good sign don't go great news all exclamation points what she's dancing and now she knows how to play an accordion she made me a denver omelet what she's no longer uh vomiting through her nose tube. Like that would be great news to them. And you go, eh. So, okay.

So now the rest of the podcast, that was the part where now you don't have to go, hey, what happened? Because all I'm going to do is go listen to the first 10 minutes of the podcast. Let's take a break. Monday. No, fuck that. Monday, wake up. Still bad.

Now it's her 40th birthday party. Lindy, whiskey girl's sister, somehow managed to find, because Bingo set this whole party up by herself. I go, this is all your deal so we don't even know not all the people are even here and we don't know all of her guests that are coming to call them and tell who do we tell who's where because bingo's the only one who knows everyone who's showing up and when yeah doug maybe we should call everyone. He's like, who? There's no fucking list. And I think you kind of jumped to Monday. We were up singing karaoke

in here all night Sunday. Oh, wait, we're missing a very important beat. I think I already told this on the End of the World podcast. But I think one of her sisters had to go through her fanny pack

to find insurance information at the hospital. And they already asked me. I told someone, hey, I think she was over there that much. I'm sure there's blow involved. Maybe check.

Just clean up surfaces before 911 gets here. And they couldn't find anything. And as they're putting her on the gurney, someone says, I couldn't find anything. She wouldn't have it in her fanny pack, would she? And I go, she's not that dumb, which is the dumbest thing I've ever said. Then Brooke comes up to me. I think it's as they take her away. They're about to.

And I, and I hands me. Well, I didn't think she had blow on her, but I know she's so, you know, the fanny pack is like a, her Linus blanket,

where if she woke up without it, she's going to freak out. Where's my fanny pack? So I go grab her fanny pack, but she couldn't. And she overplanned everything. It's when they get to the hospital looking for the insurance card that someone finds a very substantial amount of blow.

I said one of the straight sisters, very straight-laced, I think it was one of the sisters that had to do the locked-up abroad, I'm going to smuggle this out of here back to the funhouse eight blocks away. And she hands it to me, and I think it's just going to be a small little amount, and she just kind of palms it. Here you go. Hide this for me. This is what I found.

And it's like golf ball size at least but i said baseball numerous times and no one has challenged me on the size it was bigger than a golf ball a racquetball how about that there we go and this is now several hours later where now i'm really in my pints, and we go, well, we have to, if she's being flown to Tucson, it's that bad. We're going to have to stay up to get news of what's going on with her. And now we have all this blow. So as we're chastising her for cocaining herself into a coma, we're doing her blow to stay awake for news. For updates.

Similar to the end of that movie, Flight, where the only way he could testify that he wasn't fucked up when he's flying the plane is John Goodman bringing in the blow. So that's what we did for a long, long time. Is that the beat that you're... Tracy, if you think of anything, we're just trying to go chronologically with this.

Well, Lindy somehow rallied to... She doesn't fuck with anything. She was freaked out on everything. She laid down next to you in the pink room for a little while

and I guarantee she didn't sleep. She didn't. But then, like, I gotta... But before that, hang on. If you've ever seen

the movie Downfall about Hitler's last days in the bunker where, uh, what's Hitler's wife's name? Eva? No, no. Eva Braun.

That was the... Is dancing on the tables for his birthday and acting like the whole country isn't crumbling, literally on top of him. We're doing karaoke out here at four in the morning, doing blow, waiting to hear a word on bingo. And Lindy sings like a songbird.

She does. Amazing. So she laid down for a minute, woke up the next morning, saw you. Crashed out on the couch, had a couple hours of sleep, woke up with her, and she's like, Shayla, I don't know, I don't know. I'm so embarrassed.

What's going on? I mean, we were singing karaoke last night, and I just don't know. And I go, is it because you were pitchy? karaoke last night and I just don't know. And I go, is it because you were pitchy? I think that's when she started crying. But laughing.

But she managed to cancel the bouncy castle and the photo booth. She went through all of her notes and everything. It took her forever to find all the numbers. Oh yeah. It took her forever to find all the numbers. Oh, yeah. It took her forever to rummage through all that. Decipher.

Who speaks Klingon? Nobody knows what the fuck it's written in. Oh, I was doing CC and Coke. But that's when people started, like that night, people were leaving. Because, well, once she got to the hospital, the night it happened, they were going to life flight her immediately. But then they didn't. But we didn't know that.

They waited, and then they got her stable, which was good. And then that's when the family, everyone just went to Tucson. And I'd been up all night going, don't worry, party's going to go on regardless. And I wake up at some point going, oh, shit, I've got to get't worry, party's going to go on regardless. And I wake up at some point going, oh, shit, I got to get up. This party's going to go on. Not thinking rationally that, no, all of our friends and family will drive two hours to Tucson and just hang around a hospital room. Why would you do that? We got two bartenders hired.

Why would you do that? We got two bartenders hired. Some of them left without even clearing out the hotel room or getting their clothes. I mean, that was, we'll be back. That's why I don't have kids, because then you go, oh, shit, I can't even grab my stuff. I'll look like a dick if I grab my stuff before I go see if my daughter lives.

So, Lindy, we connect her with Joby to go to Tucson. Yeah, I was heading out there, and I'm glad you reminded me. It took two or three reminders for me to get her. And grabbed her, shook her out of bed, dusted her off, and threw her in the truck. So we sent Joby to Tucson, who was our cook. Yeah, that's right. I was supposed to cook that day. But no one called the bartenders who traveled from Tucson to come here,

and then that was my next call. They called me. I told them the night before. How do I get in? Yeah, they knew. I go, no, it's still going on. Come on down. At high hopes.

But they didn't know how to get into the compound. They'd never been here before. And then I'm like, oh, fuck. They're walking not only into our regular situation here, but they're walking into the situation with Bingo in a coma. And they weren't the only ones. Local people that didn't know were showing up with gifts. This is the day of the party and there's only oh we did that a couple times where let's act like we think it's bingo coming in when it

was like andrew or someone just a local and then they walk in and we go surprise oh we thought you're a bingo now come in and we made them no no, no, when she comes in, just yell surprise. This is why it's funny. And then eventually you go, just fucking with you. She's in a coma. We're going to find out if she lives a little bit later on. And then you got to watch their confusion for the next half hour as they tried to figure out what was actually going on. Wait, so where's Bingo like 20 minutes later?

You wouldn't joke about that. Hold on a second. I don't... There's always three beats of, now you're fucking with me. And then, now really you're fucking with me. Seriously, are you fucking with me? And then they go, alright, we'll play along for the next

person. Andrew walked in with like a makeup kit from Halloween so he could do the Groucho mustache and the eyebrows because he's in a tuxedo and a pith helmet. You drop that on him and it's like, well, here, let me do your mustache. He played up. Follow through, dude.

Yeah, we need a Groucho for sure. This party goes on. No sense in me being in tucson staring at a half corpse it's not going to help the family my sense of humor well you did i'll just continue the party down here you did call a couple of people right like when things got serious on sunday night and cancel going to L.A. I remember that. Oh, cancel me going to the End of the World podcast. You, the End of the World podcast, which had been set up a long time ago,

and, well, it was your idea. Yeah. Been trying to get out of it. Now you had an excuse, and I'm saying you're not getting out of it. Oh, that's right. It was was you and i remember you being no one saw me pushing as i was you said make sure no one's around i don't know scott no but i remember your eyes and i know you're as drunk as me going no we're going you don't cancel gigs we don't cancel gigs we this. And I went, yeah, you're right. You're right. No, listen.

You were right. I know I was right. But I didn't do it from some kind of monetary standpoint. We're not making any money. This was a thing where I knew your head would be so fucked doing anything but going

and doing something you're supposed to do. And you would feel bad later if you didn't do it. You wanted to cancel from Bisbee. I'm like, you can't cancel from Bisbee. Cancel from Tucson. But at least show that you tried to, I can't get on the plane. Do that. You can't do it from here.

Cancel from the hospital. Yeah. Well, the problem was, and I read some of the text messages I had sent Rogan a week before, whereas at the end of the ropes of another hangover for completely different reasons, where i was just he's like just relax we sit out we get drunk i smoke pot we talk that's it and i went all right he sold me did he he was so stellar in that that one text message smoothed you out and then and then the night of the show as well was really nice. In following text messages, this is before the whole bingo thing, I said I was so panicked. I'm just at the end of my rope after being awake for days. And I said, I'll just fake a stroke to get out of it.

And I said that in a couple of different text messages. So then I thought, if I try to say bingo's in a coma after I already threatened to fake a stroke to get out of it, I'm going to be the little boy that cried wolf. So then I had to go. I wasn't thinking clearly. I don't. Which one of us does?

At any given moment, we think we're thinking clearly until 12 hours later and then you doubt what you used to think and now you trust what you think now and it's a revolving pattern so so yeah we got through Monday we had some gallows humor fun and then Chad

Shank and Chaley and I somehow got on a plane Tracy too Tracy you're gonna sit here and stare at the walls And then Chad Shank and Chaley and I somehow got on a plane. Tracy, too. Tracy. She was going to sit here and stare at the walls. When did you guys leave? Was it Tuesday or Tuesday morning? Well, we were going to leave Monday night.

Oh, yeah. That's right. That's right. We waffled back and forth on leaving Monday night until it wasn't Monday night anymore. That's right. We ended up fucking just drinking all night. I came back from the hospital Monday night anymore. That's right. We ended up fucking just drinking all night. I came back from the hospital Monday night late. That's right.

And then you called up Kenny and said, hey, you want to place bets on something? And then he told him the story. Bingo living or dying. He didn't believe you, and he came over, and it still took him a half an hour of us explaining the whole story, and he still didn't believe you after half an hour.

Oh, fuck, that's right. He couldn't wrap his head didn't believe you after, you know, half an hour. Oh fuck. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Kristen came over. Yeah. Kristen came over. Yeah. It was a, that's,

yeah, that's, that's where I said really fuzzy. We had bartenders here that were all excited to bartend this party. And I go, well, you might as well start making us drinks. Cause we had a shitty night.

And that was like 11 a.m. Monday on the day. That's when I woke up and I said, this is my plan. I'm so smart. I'm staying up as long as Stanhope stays up. I'm drinking as long as Stanhope drinks. So if I shadow him, at least I know when he falls down, then I'll go to sleep and then we... That's why you were so fucked up Monday night.

You were destroyed, man man it was not good so when at about 8 30 we were supposed to go to the airport and you're like uh no we're gonna we're gonna go tomorrow morning and i'm like that's that's a horrible idea we go now chad's sober he just got here let's go now and you're like no i'll tell you what one more time i'm gonna ask you when are we leaving and then i won't say a word and you're like no i'll tell you what one more time i'm gonna ask you when are we leaving and then i won't say a word and you're like we're leaving tomorrow that was it and what we had tickets for uh 12 30 the next day on tuesday so monday we you and i start drinking early we're gonna go up monday night so we can stay at the airport and then we can wake up wake up with the hangover Tuesday. We'll just drink there.

That was the plan. And we'll be right next to the airport. Then Monday night we decided, no, we've had so much fun. Let's keep going because it's way better to wake up in the morning. Chad, you didn't even sleep. You were so afraid of not waking up. Well, there was still cocaine around. And then I didn't drink for a while because i wanted to leave the option open because i was

like all right let's see you know just in case it changes at the last minute because it's changed a few times so i waited for a little while and then once it was clear that we were gonna go i fucking made up for it and it was gonna drive the boat we kept saying chad's gonna drive this boat we're gonna rely on chad so yeah i never did go to sleep i tried to lay down and i just never could i was like i'm not gonna fucking wake up if i fucking go to sleep so i knew we had to wake up by nine i have no capability of figuring out how to set an alarm on my phone i just i figure i'll wake up at 9 a.m because we gotta get got to get out of here by 9 a.m. We have to now because of the time it takes.

So when I finally got my shit together at 9.25 late, I come out and Chad Shank's sleeping on lawn furniture. I think you probably got up and tried to rally us, but you're just laying in the sun on lawn furniture. No, I was in the rape trailer, but Just Jen went through and rallied everybody one time through, and so I went out and moved to there. Just Jen, by the way.

I didn't think you slept there. Applause for Just Jen. Absolutely. She called me too. Yeah. Awesome. I missed a lot of phone calls probably, but that's what I woke up to in a blur.

I couldn't find my shit shit couldn't find my suit just fuck it if i have id and a credit card we'll get through this i put a suit together and i put some pajama pants in my backpack and i walk out and chad shank is laying on the fucking patio furniture that was supposed to be set out for people to watch the band that never played. Never showed up. No, no. Kelly Carpenter. Kelly Carpenter and Scott.

But other than that, everyone else went from Tucson to the... They went right to the... I was so drunk trying to pack, and it took me like an hour the night before when we were drinking on Monday night. And when we got to L. LA, I had two jackets. It was like 86 degrees. I had two jackets, one pair of sax underpants,

and two pairs of socks. Brilliant. An hour it took me to do that. I wore the same thing the whole time. I really didn't have anything else to wear other than what I was wearing. I remember when I was laying on the furniture and I was shaking, I remember with my hat over my face and feeling worse maybe than ever before.

And I asked Jen, I says, what's Stan Hope's status? And she says, he's still pretty out. And it was getting later. And I was like, all right, I guess we'll have to go and get him up. And she goes, well, we're going to have to dress him and I go let's give him another 10 minutes and see what happens

I don't want to be there putting underwear on Stanhope right now I'm hung over like a motherfucker I just remembered Chad Shank as we were fighting to get into the suburban draping his ape arm over me going i like chaley's idea better of let's leave last night yeah yeah yeah i agree with chaley let's leave last night i do remember a moment doug where we were naked

walk like holy shit yeah i'm not remembering this and and we went and uh the bartenders went to we were naked. Walk like, Holy shit. Yeah. I'm not remembering this. And we went in the bartenders went to sleep. And we banged on their door to bang on their door. Fire drill. And none of us had pants on. Even Tracy,

Tracy had no pants. Cause he got my thing, my shirt off, but I'll go no pants. I went in fire drill. Oh my God. Cause Tracy, they'll's the one that did fire drill. Oh, my God. Because, Tracy, they'll answer the door if you're in front. And it's your voice.

What? Fire drill. We made her say it. They wouldn't respond to us, which is wrong, because they're the ones that poured the drinks that made us out of our minds trying to make them wake up and join the party. Wait, doesn't this happen all the time when you bartend? God, no wonder I woke up feeling so horrible.

I just fucking remembered that. Holy shit, what a fucking drunken night. I didn't recover from that. If Tracy's taking her pants off for a joke, you know it's a good joke. Or so you think. We were all still so drunk when we left in the morning, and we went and had to go through the- Except our driver.

For the record, these are bartenders that are friends of ours that agreed to bartend because they can. It came down. It's not like we just hired some kind of craft services and then sexually harassed them. I don't know. I think I need to get more ice. Is Mr. Doug going to put pants on?

No, they were great. They were awesome. I dropped their names, but they don't want us to. No, no. I didn't recover from that hangover the next day until... Oh, fuck, dude. I don't know how you do....almost time. I don't even know how the fuck we next day until... Oh, fuck, dude. I don't know how you drove. It was almost time.

I don't even know how the fuck we did it. Well, we have to fly on Tuesday. Go ahead. Go, go, go. No, no, I just remember something. Plane. Plane. All right, so we'll get to the plane, and then I'll take it.

We get to Tucson Airport. We get on the plane. No problems that I remember, but you might remember one I don't remember. Get to the bar, B gates. Our bar. Delta. Our bar. Thank you, Delta.

We're comfortable there. We know we got a couple hours. We're fine there. And yeah, it's cocktails. Keep going. Because now no one's driving. Because when we land in LA, we're taking a cab or we're going to Uber and then everything is until we leave

Los Angeles no one's behind the wheel awesome what could possibly go wrong nothing could go wrong we just have to do this giant podcast all star cast Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer Joe Rogan and anyone else

everyone else everyone else we get in the plane Burr, Bert Kreischer, Joe Rogan, and anyone else. Everyone else. Everyone else. We get in the plane and it's I got bumped up. No, no. You were sitting next to me. I'm on the aisle and you're on the aisle. That's because he traded me

boarding passes and put me in first class. Chad Shank was in charge of getting us to the airport. Without him, we would have not, because I blew late in the... I blew a.35. Yeah. Chad, that night,

blew a.10 when we were going to bed. I go, you'll be okay to drive. I woke up blowing a.12, almost double the legal limits. So, yeah, Chad. I knew he didn't want to, but he could. I think we were in economy comfort.

Oh, we were at the bulkhead. And then Chad was in first class two seats ahead. And I think you were trying to sleep the whole time. I was asleep the whole time. Your head kept hitting. We could hear it. I could see it. I was in the window so I could see his head with a little tiny pillow with

a big Chad Shank head trying to curl up. It's like a fucking elephant on a Q-tip. It sounds like they're clumsily loading luggage and it's your head hitting the side of the plane. I kept getting pissed off because I'd wake up when my head would back.

God damn it, I'm trying to sleep. I'm in first class. So Doug is on the aisle. Window. Well, I think it was a one and two. Maybe. Either way, we can see Chad Shank. It's a tiny plane.

Tucson to LAX is not a jumbo jet. The bulkhead. But you and I are both on the aisle. And then to my right is Tracy. Oh, that's right. Tracy is as drunk as you. So we want to chat. Oh, you're chatting the whole fucking time.

I've got my sunglasses on and I've got the strategy of homeless people. They think you're listening to something. I'm just trying to plug my ears with something, and you guys keep fucking talking. I told you to switch seats at some point. I tried to switch seats, and she said no, and I don't know why.

The room behind you was open. You could have had those two seats to yourself. You don't just play to Tracy, which is what you were doing. You were playing to the plane. And what happened was once we got airborne, shit got weird for you because you started

a little bit of a spin out. Yeah, there was no distractions anymore. Well, whatever. By the time we... In between this whole party, there are instances of me blubbering, crying, because

I'm trying to use everything else as a distraction, and when there isn't one, oh shit, my girlfriend might die. Or like a rally hug. Like a rally hug where we're like, we can do this. This is fucking push through. Fucking got it.

Push through. Push through. You were being very fucking funny, and I'm trying to sleep. I just want to punch you so I can go to sleep for like 10 minutes, right? What the fuck is your problem? You can't shut up the whole fucking flight. And Tracy is laughing the whole time because she knows. Across the aisle.

She knows. No, aisle. She knows. No, across me, motherfucker. I'm trying to sleep. And she's laughing hysterically and, like, goading you on to every fucking thing because no one can see her. They can see me in the aisle, and I got shades on. So they're like, what the fuck? These two guys in the aisle are fucking.

We were getting the blame for everything, and I was trying to sleep, right? I remember Chad Shank, I can see him in first class. In the tiny plane, there's one seat on one side and then two seats on the other. So it's him on the single seat, and then on the aisle is a pilot, and then on the inside of the pilot is a douche. He was pissed at you.

That kept looking back at me like, why do I have to listen to coach people? And I remembered that. I didn't bring it up until we landed. I was thinking the same thing, and I'm in coach. I'm going to have to hear you the whole fucking time I'm trying to sleep. Oh, I thought you meant... Yeah, I got you. you you got it i think it might have been personal with that guy because there was

two dudes in first class that everybody in first class was pissed off at because they were talking so loudly the entire time and everybody after everybody stood up to leave they got up and stood you know in the front part and everybody else got in line behind them and started talking about them like they already got off the plane. Have you ever seen such rude people on an airplane? Wait a minute. You're saying that he wasn't the rudest? Well, it was in sections.

He was the rudest in your area. The forward section had its own rude area. This was November 8th. We are landing. And the chick, like, two rows behind me. Like, two in the afternoon, we're landing. That close to the election. She is a gal a couple rows back.

She's one of those people, like, pops up right away and, like, gets as far as she can to wait, even though the seatbelt thing just went off. And then she's got a shoulder bag where, like, you don't understand your personal – like, that's in – like, it's at my face. Like, this microphone, that's how close her bag was to me as she's talking and looking around.

This is an old Junior Stopka bit about the guy that – hey, Mr. Ride-the Guy And about his backpack Hitting everyone Dwight Slade also had one But then that's when you Fucking turned, you amped it up You were playing to the back of the plane At that moment When we landed?

I just remember yelling I remember yelling at that guy Trump ahead by 7% Oh, I was pretending to look at my phone. And Tracy laughed. And you're like, what the fuck? Don't fucking. And the lady with the bag in my fucking noggin turns around and is like, oh, what?

Are you serious? And then Tracy laughed. Tracy laughed. And Tracy's like, fuck. I get it now. And then she's like, wow, I almost. I almost fell for it or something. No, yeah.

You got her. She turned around. But then you were just a mess. You're a hot mess sitting there. And she figured. And then you just said, that's it. I'm just going to start working the plane. And you started yelling things.

And I'm like, I'm leaving. As soon as I could get out. I'm leaving. I also left with Shaley. I was like, I'm going to go to jail right now. I have to get off this plane because somebody's going to fucking start shit with Stan Ove in a minute. I was losing my shit early, but we hammered down, plowed through, got a cab. I think I was fucking with the cabbie, but in a nice way.

Wasn't it? Well, you did talk about three-dog knighting in an Armenian woman's vagina hair for a while. That might have been offensive. It was from Armenia, and I just tried to explain the meaning of three-dog knight. The band name is because in Australia, the nights get cold, and a really cold night when you huddle up with your dogs and the back, that's a three dog night. And I assume that an Armenian vagina has that much hair that you might call it a three dog night.

Does it get that cold over there? He was very nice. You've never been that chatty in a cab Ever You're the one who's like And I kept yelling back for you to over tip The driver was cool as shit He played some music

He told him to play his favorite music From Armenia I want your top 5 list Cause he had an iPod You got music on your phone there? Chaley has to listen to my top five favorite songs.

There's a playlist before I go on stage. Play us your top five Armenian songs. And number one, go ahead, Chad. It was a version of Hit the Road Jack with some fantastic Armenian horns in it.

No vocals, just the music. I was going in and out. I had done that thing where you ball up your jacket. I balled up my jacket to try and sleep with my head hitting the window. And I'm like, that fucking song lasted the whole trip from LAX to Sunset, right? It was long.

It kept going. And I was like, who knew Armenian music has just hit the road, Jack? I didn't even know that. They had their own thing. So we stay at... Oh, wait. The other thing about the cab driver that I remember that was funny was you fucking... You just kept...

Like I said, just distraction. You kept trying to talk to him and you said you can kill as a cab driver from another country you didn't know where he was from with this time you said as a cab driver from another country you can kill one person and get away with it trump or the guy who started u. Oh, who would you rather kill? Who would you kill? Was Trump or the guy who started Uber? And the guy told you,

oh, I drive for Uber when I'm not driving a cab, and we all fucking lost it in the cab. We're in a taxi cab. For middle America, small town people that don't know, cab drivers hate Uber drivers for making a better deal, and then they protest and riot and they hate them. So we're in a real cab,

and I like to get their dander up about Uber because they just scream and yell, they're killing my business. He's like, oh, no. Fuck those guys. Fuck those guys. I drive for Uber. Yeah, this guy drives for both. Smart. oh, no. Fuck those guys. Fuck those guys. I drive for Uber. Yeah, this guy drives for both.

Smart. Yeah, smart. Which only they voted smart people. Then when we got to where we were going, you had already lost your cell phone charger, and you bought a new one, and then lost that one before we even got in the cab. Lost.

I only had my ID and one credit card and lost the rest of my credit cards and my parking pass and debit card. I couldn't find the suit I had pre-packed, so that's why I had to put together a different suit last minute. And the minute we get there at the end, you can't find shit. Can't find a fucking thing.

But it doesn't matter. We have four hours to show time. I'm fucked, but we have Adderall. So take my Adderall early. Can't stop drinking at this point. Just pace yourself. No, you made a point.

I noticed this. You made a point not to drink until 6 p.m. That's not true. That's totally true. Because Hennigan came over. I don't know what time it was. Hennigan showed up with booze because at this point, Tracy, Chaley, and Chad Shank have gone to bed and left me alone with my brains. So now I'm really falling apart.

And it's been too many days of partying. And my girlfriend might be dying or going into surgery. But I've committed to do this end of the world podcast. And I'm staring. We're at one of Johnny's houses. And there's a painting that I don't, still to this day. I think it's Iggy Pop. Whatever it is, it's six foot tall,

so when you sit there chain smoking in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey, and I'm losing my shit. Hold on a second. You were drinking at that point? When Brian came, I was just sipping the whiskey off the bottle. I wasn't plowing in. Because there's alwayspping the whiskey off the bottle. I wasn't like plowing in. Because there's always foodstuffs for us there.

There's some sundry items that they know that you like, and that's there. And then there was some vodka and some whiskey. And we brought our own vodka. As much as you think I was sleeping, every once in a while I'd hear, Killing strangers! See, that was what I was going to say, too. I kept having dreams because I was going to... Staring at this giant painting that kind of looks like Manson,

I get the song Killing Strangers in my head, which on that last road trip... It's your walkout number. We walked out to that because... It's actually a really great song. It's a fucking great song. Bye. Yep. Bye, Joby. Joby's out. Love you, Joby. we walked out to that because it's actually a really great song it's a fucking great song yeah bye yep

bye Joby Joby's out love you Joby oh Joby if I forget I already tweeted I'm putting bingo on trade round

on the 15th into the death pool just to show we're not hypocrites I'll bet on my own just perfect that's a sucker bet though

it's a sucker bet but I feel like I owe it to the people so I'm just it's what she wanted Hennigan's in and out dropping off stuff and now he's gonna go check the comedy store for the thing and I'm alone losing my shit

there's no distractions anymore and I'm checking in and I'm falling apart and I keep screaming killing strangers because I'm looking at what looks like a painting of Manson. And then I go and Brian shows up at one point and I'm out front smoking because he said he's pulling up out front. I don't want security to have to. And I'm fucking bawling. And Hennigan, the least emotional, kind, gentle person, comes up. He goes, well, give me a hug.

And it was the most awkward. Yeah. Yeah. You want to throw up in your mouth. When you told me that story, I tried to picture Brian Hennigan giving somebody a hug. And I couldn't see. When I pictured him, he did it wrong. He missed.

Like you need an alligator clamp. You went shoulder to crotch. Is this how they do it? He has to put on a bull inseminating rubber glove and then reach around you with his tailbone stuck as far backwards as possible.

He said a bull inseminating glove. Not just rubber gloves. All the way up to the past. You don't inseminate a bull. See, that's how wrong Hannigan got it. He bought a whole box of bull inseminating gloves. Listen, you don't know the same bull Stanhope knows.

Hey, they drive on the left side over there too, right? We're losing stalker Deb and Joby are walking out on our podcast laughing. Like, we can't even keep people while we're doing good. You walk out yelling or wanting to see the manager.

So, at some point, I was so twisted that I go, fuck, I don't even want to call Manson. Hold on. You're going ahead. I think you called me or you texted me at one point and was like, hey, you need to talk to Hen again or whatever, right? Because I'm up. Tracy's passed out.

Chad, you're the rock star room. Of course you're fucking asleep. And I went downstairs and I realized you were alone. I didn't know you were alone. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, I just need to be in the room. It needs another pair of eyes.

And I started eating a potato. I realized... You're on the potato diet too, which no doctor says, you know what? It might not be cocaine that made her have a seizure. It might be the potato diet that you and Bingo and fucking Shaley are on.

Shut the fuck up. Get Presto by Pendulet. I went downstairs and I ate this potato. This is the only food I've eaten in 24 hours. And I'm eating this potato and you're like, I can't do this. I think I'm doing an audible. I'm doing an audible for the show tonight. And I'm like, well, you can.

And then you said, Manson, that's who I need. And you called him. While you're sitting there, you called him. And you put the phone down, you're like, he's going to be here in 30 minutes. By the way, there's no way he's going to be here in 30 minutes. It's what you said. You followed that up.

It will take him two hours to get here. He just woke up, whatever, five, six at night. But you talked to him. But I knew, I thought, you know what? If Manson was was here he's the only person other than chad shank that i would feel like i'm not really losing my shit around but chad's napping i ain't gonna wake him up he already did his fuck chaley here fuck chaley killing strangers i had i had dreams of that song

The entire time I was sleeping in that Rockstar fucking room Then you woke up and Marilyn Manson Was in the room And he got there on time I wake up into fucking Johnny Depp's fucking guest house In a badass room to Stan Hope

Screaming killing strangers And stumble downstairs And I introduce myself to one guy As I walk in and then Stan Hope screaming, killing strangers and stumble downstairs. And I introduced myself to one guy as I walk in. And then Stan Hope goes, oh, this is Manson. And I'm like, oh, fuck, that's Marilyn Manson. This is crazy as shit. Maybe it's not the most surreal part of this whole fucking time that I had, which sounds really strange that I fucking woke up from a nap at Johnny Depp's house

and met Marilyn Manson. That sounds weird. It's still daylight out. We're out on the back patio at the pool with the caveman bed and Manson just, he just, he came right there, which I can't thank you enough.

He brought Krispy Kreme donuts and fucking he said all right i'm gonna uh are you hungry have you eaten uh i'm gonna bring a vodka whiskey something cocaine and crispy cream donuts if you haven't eaten do you like crispy cream donuts yes so for breakfast he has a crispy cream, breaks out a plate with this giant cartoon. It wasn't a crazy straw. It was straight, but it's still like 12 inches long, spirally. It looks like-

It was a plastic. It was a hard plastic. I called it a clown straw. Stan Hope called it a Beetlejuice straw. It looked like a barber pole, but it's fucking black and white. It's 18 inches long, and it's as big around as my little finger.

And he fucking lays down piles of fucking cocaine. I was like, oh my god. By the way, maybe you don't... It might have been stage cocaine. We don't know. it was on a rusty fucking outdoor coffee table well the first one was just on the uh the the railing a rusty fucking

patio furniture table yeah yeah i didn't i did it off a plate i didn't do it off the i would have at that point when he was that for him. Yeah. When it was presentation for company, he went and got a plate. He didn't do shit. It was his tour manager. I can't do a line that big. Yeah. I looked at Stan Hope and I said, are you in for half of that? And I was like, fucking $90 worth of fucking.

That's not a line. That's a fucking bag. That's a bindle. That's intent to distribute. that's not a line that's a fucking bag that's a bindle that's intent to distribute i right right after that whenever i had to go upstairs and fucking take a shit because it's really good cocaine i fucking took out my phone and wrote a text message with no recipient i just did blow with marilyn manson at johnny Depp's house and then deleted it so I have nobody to send it to. But I felt

like I had to tell somebody else. My only friend is fucking still sitting downstairs. So I'm like, I don't know who to tell. He already knows. But you have to understand, this is Marilyn Manson at breakfast. He's not dressed up in anything dark or weird. He's

knock-kne neat in an awkwardly tucked in shirt very polite sweet guy nice guy you're the only guy I could think to call and talk to and then we get to the show well he didn't want to go to the show

no he didn't want to be in public and I had to explain I can't explain but He didn't want to go to the show. No. He didn't want to be in public. Yes. And I had to explain. I can't explain, but the green room, we can get you through where you can hang out backstage. Chase and I ended up leaving to go to the show early, which we get down there and yeah, everything. I thought it was a Friday night for some reason.

So I thought there was parking was going to be crazy or something. And as soon as I get there, Eric and Jenny and Jody ended up showing up there too. These are all managers. They take care of everything. Tell them to get in there. Everything was fucking stellar.

And I'm like, oh fuck, it's only Tuesday. It's like the original room is open it's not usually a night but the line is down the block and we needed parking and then when i called you and said or i texted chad i go we're fine everything's good just just come down and i i think that's when you realize it was good by the way uh in between this i can't even explain the shit that's written on the wall beside the refrigerator that's been going on for a year but since i left last time i was there

at johnny's he wrote this who wrote johnny did, and I, we're calling Bingo hourly and just saying stuff into her face. I called her up. I sang Killing Strangers into her head. You called her and proposed to her and asked to see if she would nod. Oh, that was one of the good news things. Ooh, she nodded yes and no to a couple questions.

So I go, let's see if she says yes or no to, hey, Bingo, will you marry me? Where just repeatedly, Manson called and just left them... I thought that was really sweet. They're putting the phone to her ear and when Manson called and he's like, you can't stick

me alone with this guy, you turquoise-headed weirdo. If you're not there, I me alone with this guy, you turquoise-headed weirdo. If you're not there, I'm alone with this guy, so please wake up. And they said, oh, she squirmed and clenched her fist. And he's like, that was me. That was really nice. Yeah.

It was. And I love that you kept doing that because what the fuck what the fuck we were not getting a lot of the updates and I even

even later when I was like really like hey listen this is not gonna get good cause I was not checking my text messages I was too fucked up

there were a bunch of updates on her things getting better and better and better and I was not checking my text messages. I was too fucked up. There were a bunch of updates on her, things getting better and better and better, and I was like, I got in a fucking dark mood. We had a plan. So it was good you were doing that. Everyone, you get your fake smiles on. Here we go. Fake it right through to the breakdown

and then make the breakdown as fast as possible and get back to faking. Honestly, the only time I knew you were going to actually show up to the comedy store was after Marilyn Manson showed up. Your energy changed at that point. Not like fucking hippie energy. You had an elevated sense that that was going to happen. And that's when I'm like, I'm leaving now.

Because I want to make sure. Because I didn't know if it was going to happen. We're going. It's not going to happen. We do this. Yeah, it was very good. Just like Rogan said in that original text message before shit really got bad. Fuck it.

Relax. We sit down. We get drunk. I smoke pot. We talk. Your whole demeanor changed, though, after Maryland got there. I don't know what it was. I don't know what it was.

But honestly, it changed at that point. Well, Manson's not a guy that I... It wasn't drugs. That was later. It wasn't alcohol. Yeah, yeah. No, it was before that. It was later.

Because you were in a really dark place. And I'm like, no, we'll cancel. You were like, I'm going to do an audible. Yeah, I'll call it. I'll call it in there. Because you were not in the right headspace. And then we had a little game plan of how you're going to go out and do it and then just just fuck off you can just leave after you get the ball rolling and he changed it and i told him so and i told the tour manager so that that was that was

integral to the whole thing going down well when we whenever which is weird that marilyn manson is your savior for the fucking show gets weird you gets weird, you know who to go to. Absolutely, 100%. Well, when we got to the comedy store, and then I got introduced to Bill Burr and fucking Joe Rogan again and just all these guys, and then I saw Stan Hope with other comedians and stuff, and then they went out there together.

Autopilot. As soon as you guys were on your way out there i was like this stanhope is in his fucking element now and then you guys walked out there and you just hear the fucking crowd go nuts and i was like yeah this fucking he had no fucking planning on anything it's like so crazy i was so not there like autopilot yeah but trying to enjoy that was the best comedy experience ever to have all those just to

start out with Rogan and Burr like this is when you guys walked out the video is awesome you guys walk out I think Rogan was the first person to walk out that was the first person to walk out a bit after no

no no that was the four that was the four yeah and then fitzsimmons shows up and he's the the end cap yeah yeah it was great yeah but like this is the thing i tried to have a dialogue right before it started on like how we start this thing and rogan's like we just fucking go and he walked out and started the fucking show that was the start of the show that guy is a fucking amazing monster at stuff he took a break in the middle of the four hour podcast to go to the original room

and do Bill Burr I only saw leave one time and that was before Cary was able to start getting drinks pushed out there to everybody and he came inside to go to the bathroom and get a drink and went right back out. Otherwise, he was out there for four hours. The only

time Rogan left was to go over to the original room and do a fucking 15 minute set of new material. I was like, what the fuck, man? Kerry Mitchell goes like, hey, I gotta run. I'm to go check the VIP. Can you just tell Rogan that his set's coming up?

I'm like, he knows. What the fuck, right? Like, he doesn't know. And then I'm like being this like, Mr. Rogan. But at the same time, like, it's time kind of thing. And he goes over there. And then me and Chad are like hanging backstage. I'm like, Chad's only been like in like two comedy clubs

that you weren't the headliner. Chad, let's go watch Rogan. And we fucking, we split over there and we sat in that back row where the paid regulars sit. Where Mitzi used to sit when she was going to pass you or not. There's no one in the back row because all the regulars are backstage at that show. But the room is like 75%, 80% full. I'm like, this is fucking great.

We sit down and then someone comes up and goes, I'm sorry, are you paid regulars? And I don't want to. Look, I'll sit. There's open seats. I'll sit. I'm like, well, what about this thing over there she goes well these seats are

and then she's like ah fuck it and she's like she's like sit there I go Chad I'll tell you later what that means it was very fucking cool

they take such good care of us there well Chad Chad went up early you went on the podcast well here's the thing we had no plan I know that

these comics have agreed to do it I don't know who's showing up when at this point I don't give a fuck my mantra is don't go on tilt on stage don't make this about you don't make this about bingo you fucking do it or you just get the fuck

off stage and put another comic in your place and then you can go in the fucking green room toilet and cry like a cunt. When Whiskey Girl died and then Nowhere Man, you had a moment in West Nyack that you did exactly what you didn't want to do at this show. And we talked about that before. And I think that's awesome because you who knew what you were gonna fucking do but i think just verbalizing it you did not want to do that and i was looking for that because you that's not what that was about that there was a whole thing and you did you needed to be there

for one or two times on stage you could just fucking leave but you fucking you tough you toughed it out but uh the whole time it's good. Chad get up and then other people get up. Other people. Hold on a second. You fucked Chad over so bad. Did he just gloss over fucking Chad? I had went from the back room around to the audience side. I was in the front because I wanted to watch all of these guys.

And it was, everybody was partying in the green room. Very early on. First hour. First 60 minutes. wanted to watch all of these guys and it was everybody was partying in the green room and you could very early on first first hour very early on so and i knew i was like i'm i'm never gonna fucking go up there maybe at the fucking very end maybe or something but right now there's fucking giants on the stage i want to go around the front and watch it remember where you are right now if you're listening to this eight months or 10 years from now this is the election night of uh trump versus hillary uh and we're doing a live we're calling it the end of the world podcast where that's the the catalyst but we obviously go way we're gonna weave in election, but we were going to have all these comics on stage. So on the stage is Greg Fitzsimmons, Stan Hope.

Kreischer. Rogan, Bill Burr, Burt Kreischer. That's who's on the stage. So I'm like, I got to fucking go look at this. Just to start a four-hour show. So I'm over there fucking standing in the front part or where the entrance to go to the audience. You're out in the audience. Yeah, I'm towards the audience.

A guy comes over and walks up, stands next to me, and he has a little kid. And, hey, how you doing? And I'm standing there. And at that time, somebody, oh, Jim Jeffries is here. And somebody announces. Doug. Yeah, somebody tells Doug that Jim Jeffries just got there.

Well, apparently. Doug's whole thing was, we're going to rotate people in and out, but they hadn't rotated anyone yet. And we don't know who's coming. And someone said Jim Jeffries, and you're like, let's get Jim Jeffries up here, not knowing that he's out front watching the show. Well, yeah, apparently that's when I realized.

He goes, oh, shit, they're calling me. And I go, oh, that's Jim Jeffries standing next to me. With a kid, with a three-year-old. So he goes to head up to the thing and then there was there must have been some discussion about him having his kid before going on stage because in the meantime

when he didn't show up you said well let's also get the co-host of my podcast up here I don't know if he'll say anything but I want to get him up here anyway everybody let's bring up Chad Shank and I'm still in the front like applause fuck huge applause so so i run up there thinking i'm gonna sit down next to stanhope and his kid boom out of my way jim jeffries and your kid i go over to the thing to sit down thinking i'm gonna to sit down next to Stan Hope. Stan Hope hands me the microphone and leaves.

So now I'm sitting on the stage with Joe Rogan. Oh, then Jim Jeffries came out. So I'm sitting on the stage with Joe Rogan right next to me, Jim Jeffries, Bill Burr, and Bert Kreischer. Not one of these fucking people has any clue who I am. Kreischer loves you. Well, okay, okay, Bert Kreischer fucking knows me. And Joe Rogan knows who you are. But here loves you. Well, okay, okay. Bert Christ here fucking knows me. And Joe Rogan knows

who you are. But I don't fucking belong there. I feel like a make-a-wish kid sitting there. I'm like, this is fucking,

I'm the most out of place I've ever been in my entire life. By the way, Chad, the results are back. We need to tell you. That's funny. I hope you had a good weekend.

Good news, I hope. And then I was backstage. And the thing is, you guys were out front. And then there's a curtain. And then there's a backstage area. And then another curtain. So we could hang out. And there's a split in the middle where people would walk out.

Or go into the green room where the bar is. But we could hang out in the shadows and watch fun. And I'm taking pictures of Chad sitting at the end cap. And like, he keeps looking back at me and I'm doing the fucking thumbs up like, no, it's good. Keep going, dude. You kept coming back to the

green room going, he's killing out there. Well, I said, what the fuck are you doing back here? And you're like smoking. We're like, he's fine. I go, no, it's a package deal. And you're like, he's fine. I go back out there like, Chad, you're like smoking like he's fine i go no you it's a package deal and you're like he's fine i go back out there like chad you're doing good and then then he started he said some things i'm like well he's not freezing so it's not weird no it's still weird but it's not weird for everyone going like how come chad's not saying anything he was saying stuff and i go he's hanging

a bang and he's doing at least he introed me and said he probably won't say anything so He was saying stuff and I go, he's hanging a bang and he's doing it. At least he intro'd me and said he probably won't say anything. So that was a nice intro. So I felt zero obligation to say anything. And I was actually more proud of myself for shutting up because I mean, what am I going to say when I'm on stage with those guys? Wow, some of those other people

are going to take that advice. Yeah, it got weirder and weirder. and everybody who was there i fucking would it was not lost on me that all of the audience fucking yelled as loud for me when i walked out there as they did for anybody that walked out there and i really appreciate that that was fucking and that's why i took i took pictures of you on stage like an idiot fucking fanboy from the back of the room going, I don't fucking care. I'm taking this picture.

Because that was pretty awesome, dude. It was a live podcast. So it's not like, hey, you're fucking going to, don't tape my new stuff. Yeah, sure. It's weird because I'm usually dressed like an idiot. So, like, I don't need a badge or some kind of VIP thing to get anywhere. Lanyard. It's part of it. So, like, I don't need a badge or some kind of VIP thing to get anywhere. Lanyard.

It's part of it. But if I'm taking a picture, I'm like, no, I don't want anyone to, because they'll have the flash on or they'll do some stupid thing, right? But I'm like, I have to take this picture with you on stage with those guys just to be sitting up there. It's fucking awesome. Yeah, that was amazing. Like I said, try to get me to pick a surreal moment from the last couple of days, and I can't fucking give you a definitive one. They were all fucking awesome. Yeah, that was amazing. Like I said, try to get me to pick a surreal moment from the last couple of days,

and I can't fucking give you a definitive one. They were all fucking weird. The whole show went, at some point, I don't know, someone came up to me and said, hey, Russell Simmons is here, and he wants to go up. It was just four hours, maybe longer.

It was scheduled for four. Maybe it's been a little over four. And I know who Russell Simmons is, but I know he's a... He has a Comedy Central thing. I know he's a producer. I don't know if he's a comic. So I walk out and I go,

Rogan, I tap him out of the fucking panel. I go, listen, Russell Simmons is here and wants to go up. But is that cool? Because I don't know. I'm not an L.A. guy anymore. I don't know what goes on. He goes, yeah, yeah, no, that's cool. Bring him up.

And then I go, oh, Russell. And then I see it's Russell Peters, not Russell Simmons at all. You don't have to ask about Russell Peters. Of course, come on up. There were so many people. There were people I didn't know. There were people that were weird, but I liked that. There were people

like, what the fuck is going on? Now it's getting serious. Well, it's four hours. Let it get serious and then we'll bring it back. Nobody left. What? Don't mention the people. It's four hours. Let it get serious, and then we'll bring it back. Nobody left. No, no. What? I was saying, don't mention the people.

But yeah, there were people that, some people are going, what the fuck is going on? But I enjoyed that. All right, I don't have to say this. And I probably shouldn't. Well, you're in charge of editing, so say whatever you want. Hang on. I remember at one point, Bill Burr saying to me, I said, I shouldn't. Well, you're in charge of editing, so say whatever you want. Hang on. I remember at one point Bill Burr saying to me, I said, I shouldn't say this.

He goes, I knew as soon as you said that, you were going to say it. So now you're going to do the same thing, Jaylee. I went out front. We were three hours in. And I went out front. I'm like, wait. Like on the back in the parking lot area, there's always comics hanging out there. And I go back there.

And then I run into a friend of ours who's a comic. I'll stop there. All right, let's just stop there. No, and he said, hey, there's Russell Simmons. And I look over and I see Russell Peters.

I'm fucked up. Oh, so that was you that told me it was Russell Simmons? Allegedly. And then I just. I thought you were going to save someone else's honor. You're just protecting yourself. I thought you were going to go.

I look over and I see Russell. I know who Russell Peters is. I look over. But then when I got back to the stage, I'm like, hey, Doug, did you know Russell Simmons is here? And you're like, dude, totally. And you go out there and you do the whole thing you just said. And then he comes up and I'm like, God it i have to tell him too and i told russell peters that was me i'm sorry it just got it got uh and he was awesome by the way it was not one of those things where like it was like what the fuck it was he he's come on yeah it was all great and to me the longer it went on i had to

take a second adderall which was a bad well it was good for the show i did too for 12 hours later when i'm still trying to sleep through a xanax and my heart pounding is actually lifting me off the bed. You forgot about that part. Don't worry. But the more I was enjoying it, the more I was starting to break down. Because this is the greatest show I've ever been part of, and the first thing you want to do is call Bingo

and tell her how bad it was. So I'm having to take bathroom breaks to go fucking bawl my eyes out, shake it off, get back out there. And I said to you or, no, Jen, I told Jen tonight, it was like, well, when it, the apex of the weird because bill burr is actually watching the election results oh we had a surface pro like in front of him and he's like he's gauging when things happen so he is bill burr was the pivot man bill burr kept that shit together but brett erickson was also gauging it in the back so that we would have updates.

So there was a thread of the election all the way through. So I am, the least of my focus is on the election. I'm like, I don't want, am I letting anyone down? Am I supposed to be bringing someone else up and I'm not doing the right thing? So my head's in bingo and just try to not go on tilt if I'm on stage. So the election is the least. And I remember looking occasionally early to the screen in the green room.

Every time I look up there, Trump's winning a state. But that'll never happen. So at the end of the show, and I'm fucked now. Now I'm lap dancing Bert Kreischer. Oh my God. One of my favorite parts of the entire show, That picture will be included in the show notes. That is a fucking awesome picture.

I have the best part of that picture where I cropped all of the context out of it, and it's just Stan Hupp going down on Bert Kreischer. You have to tell that story though. Were you going somewhere? Yeah, but it doesn't matter. Go there and then he'll tell that story.

There was at one point that there was two people that are getting into serious political debate and I said something into my... By now I'm sitting either on Bert Kreischer or very close to on Bert Kreischer. A lot of other comics showed up that didn't bring kids.

Either way... So they were rotating in. So this is... Now we're getting to the end of the show. A million comics have been in and out and there was serious political debate. Initiatives were coming up.

There was a huge argument going on. There's no laughs going on. No. And Kreischer, of course, as he always does, has torn his shirt off with his bloated fucking beached whale torso. And I said into the mic for whoever's listening to hear,

as this goes on, if it gets really dead, what I'll do is I'll just have homoerotic tongue sex on Bert's chest or something to that effect. Sure. To get laughs. And that happened a lot of times where it's just this angry yelling at each other and then i just licked burt's tits oh to the point where no i know that i had to ramp it up to i'm going down on burt kreischer through his jeans and turning him around

and spanking him well here's what what saw was like, but the argument was heated. So everybody on the stage is focused. It was Sam Tripoli and Morgan Murphy. Morgan Murphy. And they're having a debate that's heated and everybody on the stage is focusing on them, but nobody's chiming in. It's just those two back and forth.

And stand up, whatever you're saying into the microphone on the other end i can't hear behind so only the audience probably can hear you nobody else over here has heard you because there's a huge argument but they're they're on one side and burt kreischer is sitting on the end of the table on the other side yes so they're and stanhope just starts doing a lap dance like sit on his lap, bouncing up and down. Shirtless Burt Kreischer. Shirtless Burt Kreischer.

And then pretty soon he's got his head, you're on your knees with your head in his lap like a fucking stripper. And the whole crowd is erupted. This argument's going on and there's no laughter whatsoever because it's not funny. going on and there's no laughter whatsoever because it's not funny and while you start doing this the fucking crowd erupts and nobody on stage notices still that this is happening there's just still an argument so i was watching from here as this argument happens and you just keep fucking licking burt kreischer's belly and the fucking crowd is going insane and i'm i don't think anybody else ever noticed it on the stage until they saw the picture burt kreischer by the way has his hands like interlaced behind his head lean back and you are in his crotch and sam and morgan murphy

are yelling at each other on the other end and and everyone's looking over. I think Bilbo might be looking at Doug. I looked at it, though, but I think he might be looking at Sam. I think that, yeah. That's right. Yeah, I don't think he was. Nobody caught him. I haven't. I've only seen a couple pictures.

Oh, fuck. But as it went on and towards the end, everyone's on stage. Even Chad Shank is out there. Everyone's standing. There's like 19 comics on stage that have been part of this. And I'm just so overwhelmed that I'm part of this group. Everyone felt that way. And I'm also still, the better it is,

the more I'm falling apart that I can't tell bingo that this is happening that's what I said to several times they fucking pushed me hang on I just want to tell you what I told Jen tonight I said it was like if you won the academy award

because they call Trump has won at the end. And then there's really, hang on, and other people are on their phones. No, AP just said it too. And the crowd shuts down. And I remember saying, like, it's not our fault.

We didn't expect it to end like this either. But at the same time, everyone's depressed across the country and in the room because Trump really won. I wasn't even thinking about that. What the fuck? I'm focused on, I'm part

of the best show I've been on in 26 years with the best panel of comics. We're having this experience. But my wife and I said to Jen, it was like if you won the Academy Award on the same night that you lost your wife in 9-11, where the country's depressed,

not for your wife, but for other reasons. But it's still the biggest night of your life when you can't celebrate. They have a heavy heart, but they're still laughing. Luckily, we were able to sneak into the bathroom together some of the times when you would break down, and it just made it look like we were elite drug users. That's what I said.

I said, hey, come in here. Come into the bathroom of the green room. Everyone's going to think that we're doing drugs. I just... No, we just sat on the sink. I'm going to fall apart. Damn it. I didn't know that was happening.

Troy Conrad was taking that green room picture. And I was like, you have to come out here. So I went in the back. My face is flooded with fucking tears. No, you have to get to the front. And he shoved me. Don't touch me. Don't you fucking yeah so that's when uh what's what's his uh my uh my little gay friend oh anthony decimito that's me in the front flooded with tears hugging him and evidently he said on Instagram, which I don't use, he leaned into my ear and said, you're my favorite faggot.

So if I said that, I'll stand by it. And there's other faggots I might like better if you all grilled me in a room. Step up your game, faggots. It really took, like the last two hours, Troy and I were talking about, like, this is ridiculous. Like, just taking a picture from backstage of, like, the people that were there, you could tell who they are from the back of their heads. Like, who, I mean, that's, like, everyone coming off stage,

when you rotated people, I was like, what the fuck is this? This is crazy, right? So then Troy and I started talking about, we need a picture at the end of this because no one thinks of that but troy is he's he's an awesome photographer he's got the and hennigan also and hennigan was like part of it but he wanted to be in the picture he was excited to be in the picture so that was a whole thing at the end of this whole monstrosity of like just the election and comedy and just just everything was going on then it was getting people out and we haven't said this yet but even like when i walked in people noticed me walking in and then

there there were other people that like they didn't give a shit about anything they said how's bingo how's bingo? How's bingo? Every time I walked through the crowd to do something to the VIP room or had to move around, it was always, how's bingo? And I'm like, Doug will talk about it. But I really appreciate that. At some point, we put bingo on a cell phone

of our friend Kate that was with her in the hospital and put 54 minutes of the towards the end of the podcast in her ear. But you did address it like at one point, which is quick. That's fine. Because you we had the game plan. You're not going to spin out because that's not what that was about. No, honestly, honestly, everyone who no one fucking

asked about you idiots. They asked about bingo and that really touched me. This is the closest I'm coming to crying. No, this is the closest. This is when you come close to crying. At one point, you booked Bill Burr up at Chilkoot Charlie's in the

late 90s, early 2000s he brought it up and i brought you out to explain how fucked up those band houses were and you wouldn't fucking say you walked out and went i'm not i said you were right you were 100 right he said no no he was misunderstanding what i was saying i was talking talking about the Ralphie May. I was agreeing with him. And I said, Duran would never. You wouldn't sit down. Duran would never. I'm not going to sit down.

He's not crying now. I'm an idiot like Chad. Now he's fighting. Right? Ralphie. At least Stanhope was still on stage with you. Duran Powell would never say, hey, listen, dude, we bought you a a hotel the only hotel we've ever bought for a comic because you're too fucking fat no he said hey we're gonna put you over here that's what it

was liability issues so i looked at the uh the uh never mind i can't find the big word i loved it though because i was like chad i hope he tells the mildew soap story yeah and then he did yeah and manson was still there. By the way, don't... Oh, fuck. I fucking tried to call Manson out on stage, and his tour manager went, no, no, no.

He's a real tour manager. Yeah. Manson's tour manager? Yeah. All right. I get a couple of stories. What are we at? Hold on a second.

An hour and a half. You need to say this, though, because a lot of people were calling Manson on stage. Doug talked Manson on stage. Doug talked Manson into going there only because Doug said you will not go on stage. We'll sneak you in. We will get back there because he was there to support you.

That was the only... I just assume Manson is the guy that if you go to him, he wants to come out and then he'll capitalize. That's what I told the tour manager. I'm not using his name on purpose. Don't worry.

I talked to Manson after the fact. But I told the tour manager, all the comics that keep yelling for Manson to come on stage, comics just assume everyone wants to come on stage. Everyone wants to be on stage. And they don't know that this is what's going on here. But when the tour manager looked at me, and was like, he's not going.

But now anytime... He was giving me angry looks. Bert Kreischer comes back to the backstage area, and is like, come on, get out of here. And the tour manager's looking at the ground. He's not going. Looking at the ground like, if I look up, I'm going to kill you. That was his thing.

He's a pretty scary dude. So when Stan Ops is on stage and he's coming up. Not Manson, the tour manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Manson. Manson's a sweetheart. The tour manager is a scary fucking dude. Jenny could take Manson.

Manson is FaceTiming Doug why he can't go out. FaceTiming? You didn't't go out. FaceTiming? You didn't even text him? You're trying to fake. I had to walk back when he said on FaceTime. Manson sat through half the show in the back, and my phone's lighting up on the stage when we're first starting,

and I'm like, fuck, it's bingo. It's about bingo. I keep seeing my phone light up, and I want to take it, but I'm not going to take it because it can't make it's about bingo i keep seeing my phone light up and i want to take you but i'm not gonna take it because it can't make it about me and then i find out it's fucking manson the whole time i forgot about that he was back there showing me that he was drawing dicks to send you the new thing on the iphone update where you could like draw something in neon and you can see it being drawn i go there's like three balls in that picture. What the fuck?

You know what a ball is? He has an Android, so he can't even FaceTime him or get any of this shit. He just gets nonsense text. But when you were on stage and you called him up there, at one point you go, I'll have fucking Chad Shank bring you over here. And me, assuming that you had already agreed that he would go, cleared it. I'm like, hey, you're ready to go. And his manager just looks at me and goes, no. And I was like, gotcha.

That's what I knew. No. It was a solid no while shaking the head. Yeah. And like that, no, I'm serious. He was in a squat with his hands on his knees because Manson was sitting down and listening to the thing, and he looked at me and goes, no, and it was intimidating as fuck. I'm like, if there's a dude squatting down saying no,

and it's intimidating. That was the move. I got it. That was the move. Me and him, we're right here. If you want to come closer, then you're dealing with me. Yeah. And that's when I tapped you, and I go, we're done.

We're done. We're done. We're done. Chad held his shit together this whole time. I never even had to worry about Chad, which is weird. Chad was awesome. For a three-day. Yeah, he carried this. Well, I was worried about you.

So I didn't have time to worry about me. Everyone listening. And I knew that. Everyone listening, if Doug stanhope called you on stage to sit next to rogan bill burr burt kreischer jim jeffries would you would you even you would sit there and go i don't know what he's talking about that's not me you wouldn't fucking go up that is a big thing for chad because honestly he's still I'm too dumb to know that I just went right but we had reservations about like

well what's going to happen Doug's going to bring you up on stage we were fucked up and I go he's bringing you up on stage at least one point yeah I figured at the end of the night whenever there was nobody else had anything to say not in the very fucking beginning when there's the biggest heavy

weights of comedy on stage and then abandon me by myself. And then he leaves. Fun. It was so great. Thank you, Stan. He's progressing. This is moving on.

So we got through the night. We did a lot of fist bumping. We did it. It took all day or two days.'re gonna get this done we're gonna put on our fucking dumb comedy faces we got through it no one fucked up there was no embarrassment let's get the hell out of here get back to the uh house i i got some notes i Are you going to Tucson? Is that where you're going?

Well, first it was LAX. It was LAX at first. Afterwards, we were safe back at the house. Oh, shit. I forgot all about LAX when Stan was on the phone with credit card people. I got that note. Okay. I'm just seeing it.

We get back to the house. Nothing weird happened. I'm just seeing it. We get back to the house. Nothing weird happened. I think Sam showed up. Morgan showed up. No one else showed up. Mitchells, Bretchells slept outside which is just like sleeping outside. Every time we think about

sleeping outside on the deck when it's warm enough at night, you go, oh, but the sun will wake you up. Me and Mitchell... No, you and Morgan? Morgan and Mitchell slept in the caveman bed by the pool, and then Brett Erickson

tried to sleep on the wooden bench. And at some point realized... As a punishment? Well, then he realized there's a couch open. You get the Deadwood couch. Anyway, we get the fuck out of there. We get to LAX. Can't get into the Sky Club with four of us,

so we just get some tacos and some cocktails. That's actually good, though. That concourse? Stop with the plugs at some point. I'm drinking too many doubles my credit card shuts me off again it's the only credit card i think i know i have so i start because you found you found them yeah. But I start a loud, angry conversation as we're waiting to board. A loud, angry, hilarious conversation. If you know the backstory.

But if you're just some person who's going, it's a Trump's America. This might be a white terrorist because I'm going apoplectic. White terrorist? Well, no, I get it. We call them wearerists. Wearerists. Whatever it is, I'm just going batshit on my credit

card company for shutting down for fraud alert that they never alert you. They just let your card not work. And as far as I know, this is the only card I have left. I still think I lost all my other cards that are in my pocket. I just checked all my pockets the wrong way, evidently.

So I'm yelling at my credit card company, I'll save you the details, but they cancel it all the time for a specific dumb reason that you'd think they'd take notes, but they don't alert you that your card shut off, and I'm screaming and this nice uh woman of color that's the uh delta security comes up how as i'm as we're boarding yeah they called i got bumped up and uh she goes oh are you Mr. Stanhope? Listen. And at that point, I'm thinking it's a, listen,

when diamond medallion people are in line, we greet them on the plane. That's what I thought. Wait, let me back up, because I made a joke earlier on Twitter that day that nobody got, where I said, hey, Delta, Nobody got where I said, hey, Delta, do you still give breaks to people who have family emergencies? Because my wife had a stroke and I don't want to fly back to have to deal with that. Meaning I want to break.

Change my flight from the day. Do not go home. And everyone's like, Delta, you're going to do this for him. You're not getting the joke. But you also walked up to the desk and you complained about babies. So that's when. Hang on, because I don't remember this. That's when it got flat because I saw him pointing at you. I thought, because Delta tweeted back at me, hey, what flight are you trying to change?

Multiple times. Oh, I was just making a joke, but it's not your job to understand gallows humor. Well, we hope your gal pal gets better. Thank you for your loyalty. So Delta's tweeting me like they're cognizant. They're not just blanket statements. You're red flagged?

I thought she was coming up to say sorry about your gal pal because we had had this Twitter conversation. What did I do with babies? There was a baby crying and at one point the mother hit the kid in the face. Well, that's why the baby was crying.

And then you went up as you're on the phone with the credit card people, you are like, I guess you're on some kind of hold. And then you started saying something to the gate agent, like at the ticket counter. And then

you came back, and then I saw the ticket counter that you were talking to. Not at security? With the gal that we thought was a delta representative wearing the red jacket point at us like that's the guy and that's when everything started happening because i thought it was a delta representative saying thank you for flying delta she says um hey uh listen uh a lot of people are are you okay a lot of people are, are you okay? A lot of people are concerned about flying with you.

There's some concern about you getting on this flight. Yes. I believe that the woman of color is necessary to this story because I smiled and I thought she was welcoming me too. And she goes, some people are concerned about you. And I go, oh, no. I was, with a smile, I said, oh, no. I was just yelling at my credit card company.

And she went, oh, come on board. Got it. I thought she was concerned that you didn't have enough leg room. That you should be on a later flight. She spun so quick. Did that? Oh, shit. Face mask.

Yeah, I got bumped up to first class yet again. I bumped Chad up to first class on that flight, but he bumped me back up to first class. But then I bumped myself out because that weird chick. We noticed a gal who was in first class. So she was going to go early. No, we noticed her at the bar. I knew there was a problem when they started boarding

and they do the fucking babies and the family thing first, which is wrong. And then all of a sudden she knew. She'll know. It will look like what you wear on your motorcycle. Yeah. So when she walked up, I was like, well, she doesn't have a baby.

But she's doing these stretches. Young blonde girl. 20-ish. With a face mask. Like a... A black motorcycle looking face mask. That's what I thought of too but it has a happy face on it yeah but she's doing

these stretches like I'm going to be sitting for an hour so I'm going to stretch my calf muscles she's doing them like what the fuck everyone notices you now because you got this creepy mask on but you have to go like it's a face mask

that goes from under the eyes down over the chin like bikers wear with a skull no it was a it was a thing like a medical thing

it wasn't like a wraparound neoprene it just looped over the ears and it went around like a regular looking medical thing except it was black

with a big happy face on it like you're trying to draw and then she basically did jumping jacks before she fucking went on the plane. I missed all that. I hate to admit as security that I missed

all of the fucking finger pointing and the fucking Stan Hope is being a fucking security threat. I missed all of that. So I'm watching that and then she boards and we board right behind her and tracy and i chase i'm in front and i turn the corner into the plane and i look and i'm like god damn it

i hope doug sits next to her i'm sitting right next to her in small first class plop down right next to her i'm like this is awesome i I go back to my seat, which is just... With us. We're at the bulkhead again. I'm a row behind and on the other side of you guys. But we're at the bulkhead again. Yep. But I have a guy my exact same size shows up to sit in the seat next to me.

He's like... Your aisle. Sorry. Yeah, I'm in the aisle. And I'm like... He's like... Usually for smaller people, you can. I'm in the aisle. And I'm like, he's like, I usually for smaller people, you can kind of move to the side.

I had to get all the way out of my seat and move into the aisle so he could sit down. So him and I are both trying to, but I'm thinking at least he's as aware of it as I am. And like, neither of us. There was a tip of the hat, a tip of the hat.

We're in this together. I actually, I actually looked at him and I go, at least it's a short flight. So we sit there for a little while and as the plane fills up i realized that the seats in front of me which is the emergency row where you have fuck loads of leg room more than first class next to tracy and i right next to these guys is completely open so shaley and i are making eye contact and i'm like yeah as soon as this fucking as soon as I'm sure nobody's coming up Plain tip by the way

don't ever move seats until they close the door because then you could be that guy Here's the thing that I started to get worried about was somebody else is going to see the same opportunity I am and jump in there before I can so I'm doing

it now and fucking i'll talk my way out of it so i jumped up into the fucking seat where i could now see two seats in front of me is stanhope sitting next to the masked girl which i then start to hear conversation we could see the whole time from where we were we could see the whole time she had her mask on and then i see doug's head starting to bob that way. Oh no, I know you're talking. And then they're serving drinks and she orders a drink.

I'm like, oh this will be interesting. Does she poke it through the mask? But what's she going to do? Oh, I remember because when we both got vodka drinks. That's why I'm talking. So you remember. I pulled my mini bottles out of my pockets. They go, would you like to make it a double for nothing more?

She declined. Oh, wow, surprising. Wow. At one point, because Chaley could see better, but I was like, who is Stanhold talking to? Because you were not really in a condition to be talking to people was why i was curious oh oh or was he in the perfect condition to talk to a woman in a mask you ever talk to me at 8 a.m well it depends on your angle i mean to

me it's hilarious no i tracy and i were both like this is gonna get good and then shaley reassures me and he goes no she's got her mask dropped, and they're talking. And I was like, fantastic. I was giving him updates. Yeah, because I can't see. So it didn't last very long. Did we even take off yet? No.

No, no. No, no. No, because I brought my cocktail back. Yeah, we hadn't even. I'm not getting ahead of myself. No, go ahead. We hadn't even taken off yet. We're just sitting there.

And all of a sudden, Stanhope turns around and walks back and goes. Wait, I made, I remember I made. I said, have you ever had someone close to you die? You're saying this to the mask girl. Something to that effect. And she goes, what? I go, well, it's a way better way to start a

airplane conversation than well, it's crazy weather and what about Trump? Where are you going? Where are you going? What do you do? And that was my third stupid... And the third one was...

God damn it, I just remembered it. Ronda Rousey. Oh, I go, fuck! All right, so yeah, she's a short blonde chick with a mask. A mask. But either way, I said, how often do you get, you look like Ronda Rousey if she weren't so thick before you realize that's a compliment.

And she went, that's offensive. Which, no, Ronda Rousey would look more attractive if she was less thick like this girl. There's a compliment to her. But I know, and she goes, that's offensive. I go, alright, I'm going to switch out seats. The best part of that was how often.

Because you just assumed it happens all the time. That was the worst part of that. That's why I have a fence and no friends. That's why you sit next to me and have an eye mask and I go, no no i think he died we'll just push through so i just came back immediately to chad shank because he makes

everything good if if that's his position we'll see security and make everything good stanhope Holtz said, I'm trying to remember exactly what you said, but I think you said, I've already said too much and I know that I can't shut up, so switch seats with me. You tapped him out like in WWE. You tapped him out. So I walked up to the thing and I sat down and I was like,

well, now I'm in, because I couldn't hear any of the conversation. By the way, you didn't skip a beat. You got right up and I was like, well, now I'm in... Because I couldn't hear any of the conversation. By the way, you didn't skip a beat. You got right up and said, I'm in. I was expecting it. When I was like, who's he talking to? I was more trying to make sure we were getting thrown off the plane than he was offending fucking people.

Finally, you have one job. So I... fucking people finally you have one job so i so i try to sit down and make light a little bit to try to because i want to talk to her and find out what the fuck you said because i don't want to wait to ask you what you said i want to ask her what you said so i sit down and i was like i've been sent to apologize for my friend and trying to make her laugh. And she was like, all right, I accept your apology. And I was like, oh, fuck. How do you gauge a laugh through a mask? Well, she didn't have the mask on,

which confused me as well. Which is fucking totally ridiculous. The only time you need a mask is when you're on the plane, not when you're waiting to get on the plane. She, at no, as chaotic as my life is was her mask wearing schedule during this whole flight she would take it off and put it on at one point i wanted to ask her are you nervous about me or should i be afraid of you i don't know what the fuck the purpose of your mask at that place at that point where i can't gauge usually you can gauge when you're too

fucked or they're too fucked and that's why I bailed out like I'll overcompensate to try to make this right or I could just go tap chachak into the seat cause I know I've seen you do

like these crazy offensive things that make you giggle or you just keep plowing through and it ends up that the stewardess has come back and give you more free drinks. This is clearly the problem is the alcohol. He was on this plane

too drunk to sit in the seat and then he kept saying things and then he's like does he want another one? yeah put one in front of him I've seen that so many times but when you tapped out, perfect timing because this is a better story

the fact that you went up there because all Tracy and I wanted to find out why the fuck you wear a mask why the fuck you wear a mask you didn't help we had gotten thrown off that plane, me Why the fuck you wearing a mask? You didn't help, by the way. We had gotten thrown off of that plane, me, for any reason. Credit card yelling.

That lady I was trying to be funny with. My jokes aren't working. I don't know my audience. But I'm not crying. I'm not crying. We got home. We get back to. Hold on. Why was she wearing a mask? but I'm not crying I'm not crying we get home we get back to hold on why was she wearing a mask

I did not talk to the woman it's a boring story I know the story is boring oh I had to do 20 hours from Thailand I'm addicted to it the same way I am and I mask but your story doesn't make sense it doesn't matter we get back to Tucson

I didn't bother asking I'm not dumb so I know that I get back to Tucson yeah I didn't bother asking I'm not dumb so I know that I cannot follow Stan Hope so I just stayed quiet through the whole fucking thing I'm like I'm not talking to this broad we're thrown off the plane

so we get to Tucson get home it's early enough it's not late yeah 7.30 but we know at this point there's no way we're driving

an hour and 50 minutes back to fucking Bisbee in the dark after this chaos. Even if you were sober. No, we're staying. We've got a couple rooms. None of us were sober. Tucson Airport. I was going to tell you right now.

I was going to take the bullet. So I held back. I could have driven, but it was a way better idea to just stay. I don't... Fucking Dale Earnhardt, fucking the third, I wouldn't let drive. It's just a better idea. In dark, yeah. It's automatic.

There's not even a question now. Tucson Airport, there are nine hotels that you can walk to closer than you could get to your next gate at Phoenix Airport. So we get a hotel we don't normally go to, but we've been there before. Have a couple cocktails to chill out, take a downer. We'll get up in the morning, go see Bingo. That's the plan.

So we have a cocktail. Let me back up quickly. During the End of the World podcast in L.A., they passed recreational marijuana bill passes so they're all smoking weed on stage. Well, we try to recreate this in the only state that didn't pass the bill

Arizona. So we're meet these just hilarious beautiful black women, a couple. It was an aunt and a niece at last call at this hotel smoking outside

the bar in the patio area and I'm so used to it from the podcast that I didn't even think it's illegal you're missing a big part go ahead Chad

had weed. And you asked. Well, I needed weed. I needed weed the whole time. So Stan Hope arranged it so that I would have weed when we got to Tucson. So I got weed when we got to Tucson. And you have a medical card? I have a medical card.

I love how you say, I arranged it. I know. Call someone. Hang on. So I had a, I don I have a medical card. I love how you say, I arranged it. I know. Call someone. Hang on. So I had a, I don't want to be specific, but. No. A friend. You're going to sound more.

Well, that's what I was supposed to do. A friend brought me weed when we got to Tucson, but I had no means of smoking the weed, and I was already fucking drunk and arrogant. I took another Adderall, uh, before we left to make you less arrogant. No,

I didn't get the wrong pill. No, no, no. I took it to so that I would not be hung over. Cause we started doing shots at fucking 10 AM when I woke up before we got on the airplane in the kitchen of Johnny Devon house. So I took an Adderall so that I could stay awake through the whole fucking day.

And so anyways, I was really obnoxious. So when we went inside the lobby, I was asking for a soda machine. Is there a soda machine? Well, no, we have bottles of soda. Because Stanton was like, well, let's just get you a soda can, and we'll just make a cheap pipe like that. Well has i never said that you came up with that on your own i don't i don't remember i just do what you're asking for so so then it progresses some where do i find rolling papers i'm not trying to be subtle in any way i was asking blatantly we go

to the bar stanhope asked the bartender to go ask the kitchen staff. Always ask the kitchen. Don't ask the bartender. Ask the kitchen. They'll have rolling papers or whatever you need. Can you go see if the kitchen staff has rolling papers or a pipe? And I'm like, not a pipe, not a pipe. I don't want to fucking borrow somebody's pipe.

It's like rolling papers. That could be for cigarettes. But nobody has anything. And when we walked back out, you and Tracy went outside. Chaley and I were finishing drinks inside. And you guys went outside and started talking to the two ladies that we had met earlier that were fucking funny and nice. Just small smoking area.

Started talking. So we went outside, and then i think i asked them if they had rolling papers and she said i can you know get a swisher sweet and uh roll a blunt you know how to do that and i was like no i don't fucking know how to do that but you know she brought it out and she was immediately like we're gonna do this right here i was like i do this out in the open all the fucking time and then she was like well you you realize that's because you're white right i said we had an open dialogue about race i was i said i was like that's you're absolutely fucking right i did not even think about that So she was nervous about smoking weed right there.

You had a card, and you told her. But I have a card, and white privilege. So, I mean, I'm covered pretty much. That was a topic that came up. I said, I extend my white privilege out to you, and we joked about it. The umbrella. The umbrella of white privilege coverage,

and it was all funny and a joke. We had the best conversation, and then the driver slash security guard slash overnight man slash highway man that we've met a couple times when we rarely stay. We were regulars. But he didn't know us then, because he comes over. I can call the cops You can't do this Fuck you He didn't say fuck you

But he wouldn't let me get a word in Because he was just like You can smell that You can smell that inside We know what that is I can call the cops He walked out Because the whole staff was inside

The bar was closed They were mopping up And we're on the patio. We're being fucking loud. We're being very fucking loud. That was our big problem. Hold on, hold on. And then when he came out, this was a guy that knew us,

and he said, you know, they can smell that in there. And I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. He wasn't that. Do we need to? Temporary. No. He was agitated. He was Kurt. He wasn't that. Do we need to? Temporary. No. He was agitated.

He was Kurt. He was agitated. And I know why later, but he was Kurt. Like, people put him up to, like, are you going to do something? So he came out, and he was being kind of a dick. And then he says, I could call the cops. And Chad is trying to talk to him. Like, this is not the time.

Civil tones. Chad's like, wait, what? Hold on. Diplomat. Diplomat. And Chad goes, are is not the time. Civil tones. Chad's like, wait, what? Hold on. Diplomat. Diplomat. And Chad goes, are you calling the cops? Or could you call the cops? Because that was brilliant.

Yeah. And he goes, I could call the cops. And started to walk away, which I thought was like, you need to end this. There has to be a period at the end. He dismissed us. Yes. And that's when I told you, stop. We'll figure this out.

And then the two black gals... I was trying to follow him at that point because I wasn't clear if he was going to call the cops. No. And if he's going to call the cops, I would have dispatched him. I shut it down. I shut it down because we could just leave. But the black girls fled. Immediately.

Yeah. The fucking white privilege joke of five minutes earlier became not funny at all and it was fucked up because these were some of the nicest fucking people I met a lot of nice people and they had nothing to do

with anything other than I have a way to roll this thing by the way and I was loud Titus motherfucking she did this thing. I solicited it. And I was loud. Titus motherfucking... She did this thing that looked like a cigarette from a machine in North Carolina. It was fucking last.

I remembered on the drive home because this is a hotel we might go back to. On the road you know how I am where if I can find a flaw in your corporate system i will not pay for those hotels and i had my plan oh no that fucking guy that was yelling at us couldn't understand

because of his accent from his let's say albania mongol. We'll just obfuscate where we were. Syria. Let's blame it on him. I was saying, is the bar closed? He was saying the bar is closed. I was saying, no, it's a clove. I could have got up fired. But he's a friend.

We were back in the room at this point. Yeah, let's fast forward to everyone runs back, black and white, runs back to their room to get away from possibly cops. Some of us faster than others. I tried to follow the guy to make sure we were all right. Shaley wisely stopped me. But you did eventually because you've been with this guy before,

and now we realize we don't have mixers. So you go, this guy's, and now we realize we don't have mixers. So, you go, this guy's driven me before when we stay at this... To the Walmart. He's driven me around a few times to go get things. You also had a joint behind your ear, which I caught.

So I bet you a hundred bucks you couldn't get the guy that just threatened to call the cops without closure to give you a ride to go get his mixers and which i thought was a fantastic challenge because i tried to chase him down minutes before and shaley stopped me so i'm like now i have permission i'm gonna let's go fix this one way or the other because the guy's either going to be nice or he's going to fucking continue to be a dick.

Call the cops. Call the cops whenever you're giving me a ride to the fucking Walmart. There's a lot of fucking desert out there. You can't find somebody out there. So you found him. But I'm a diplomat. So immediately we go down well i went down and i first thing i saw was him talking with security still animated when i went and i was like oh fuck

um oh so i walked back and i'm like all right i'm gonna give him a minute because he's fucking talking animatedly to security and it might be about us or it might be about something else. So we'll wait a minute. So you pulled back. So I pulled back for a minute and then I went back down and he wasn't there. So I just fucking doubled down and I just fucking went and talked straight to security and said, I need you guys to call Hasim and tell him that I need a fucking ride to Walmart. Not a real name.

It's like the book. His real name's Abba. I said Rick. You went with Hasim? Well, because you guys said Syria. I don't know names from Syria. He's so good. He's so good.

But anyone who's doing serious logistical ABBA. They don't have a hit song called Asim. Doug, they already know. I figured that if he was talking to the security guard about us, then the security guard would deal with that. So I just went straight to the security guard and then once he didn't do i knew i was like i already won this fucking bet because

i can if the security guards all the way to walmart i shrank the security guard down there's no way the fuck i can't shrink hasim down in the fucking shuttle van now chad is running the hotel i'm not sure if i was still wearing my Superman cape at this point. I remember. Oh, Chad. After, if you want to back up, after I switched seats with Chad with the girl with the face mask, he's in first class where you get that beautiful threadbare rug for a blanket.

I get off the plane. Yeah, you get a little blanket. You have like 10 of them in the crawl space. So Chad's wearing his as a Superman cape. Beautiful. Oh, I thought he was sober, but evidently not so much.

And it's so windy. He looks striking. Like you guys are walking and it's blowing in the wind. It's blowing behind him like he's flying almost. It's fucking amazing. I'll put a picture in the thing because I got it when you guys stand in the baggage claim. This morning, Jenny comes in the middle

of the night, his wife, and he's trying to recreate his Superman cape of a Delta blanket. From the night before. But it's very windy. He goes, don't worry. It'll look like I'm blowing in the wind even though there's no way I can at my weight. And I looked

as you left. You go, we'll meet you back. And I looked in the wind. It was blowing. Until it caught on the rail and fucking clotheslined me. I missed that. Jenny's like trying to tuck it in.

He's like, how did I fucking do this drunk? By myself. I can't do it. He's trying to tuck a t-shirt. He's trying to tuck a blanket into a t-shirt. He's like, how come I don't know? It's like he's trying to make a cabinet from Ikea. How come I?

What the fuck? I'm chasing myself in circles. It's like a dog chasing his tail. He said to Jenny this morning, he goes, I did this perfectly drunk. And she says, well, you can do a lot of things drunk that you can't do sober. You do it all the time.

You can't recreate the magic. Sorry, Jenny. No, I think we fucking went off the topic. Oh, that was whenever the guy pulled up. You went down to talk to the masseuse. Well, I already did that, and then the guy pulls up in the shuttle, and I'm leaning against the pillar waiting for him. Oh, like James Dean.

Look at you, the wild ones. So as he gets up, he pulls up, and again, I know him enough that he knows he knows me. Which is why I was pissed when he fucking dismissed me earlier and wouldn't talk to me. Here's a score to settle. So as soon as he starts to walk up to me, and he was like, hey, listen, hey, listen. About earlier, I apologize.

And he immediately, with his ass puckeredered starts trying to apologize to me earlier. And I said, I wish I could say his fucking name because it's so much better than the story. But I said, I just, I said, get in the van, Abba. And he keeps trying to apologize to me. And I got in the van and shut the door. Now he's standing at my window trying to still talk to me and apologize. He's at the passenger side? He's at the passenger door trying to still talk to me and apologize he's at the passenger he's at the passenger door trying to talk to you i ignored him as he talked to me on the way to the

van i just i said get in the van abba and i got in the van and shut the door and then he came around and i just repeated i said just get in the van and we'll talk so he's fucking nervous as shit already because there's a lot of desert between where we were at Walmart. Doug and I were talking the whole time because that's before he passed out. We were talking like, I can't fucking believe the balls of this motherfucker. He's going down there and he's saying like he is going to convince them or someone's going to jail. I really thought. Then when he kept coming to updates, I was like, wait a minute. How is this working?

How is Chad going down there and coming up and going like, no, we'll get it. We'll get it. I just talked to security. I just got away from it. You should come up and go like, hey, dudes,

I think we're going to get kicked out of this place. I mean, that was... But he was testing you on your race. Well, okay, here's the thing. This is the ride to get cranberry juice and soda. $100 bet. I still owe you $20. Just very generous fucking goof when we're drunk is really all of us.

Worth every penny. So he does then. He just gets fucking quiet and shuts up and goes and gets in the van. And then since I was intimidating, I switched fucking gears right away, for one, because I'm a diplomat, and also because he fucking thinks I'm a psychopath, which I am. So he gets in, and I apologize. We kind of go hand in hand.

I just want to tell you. We stay there, though. I said, I just wanted to apologize earlier i says uh entirely my fault i was indeed smoking weed out there on the patio and i was really loud i'm drunk and i apologize so i just wanted to tell you that he's like no no no and i says but you were fucking out of line do you you understand what I'm telling you, Abba? Because you fucking completely ignored me, and you didn't talk to me. And he immediately tried to test my... Wait, it might have been before that,

because I didn't say... After I apologized, that was what it was. I apologized and said, we're out of line, and he immediately... No, no, no, I know it wasn't you, is what he said. When it was 100% you. It was 100% me, and I just said it was.

And he goes, no, no, I know it wasn't you, because I had just walked by you, and it was just those two ladies outside. You guys weren't even out there yet. I know that you had only been out there for a minute. Untrue. All of it was me. Those ladies had been out there the whole evening,

and they were quiet as shit. We walked in. We walked in and they were saying nothing. I probably crashed their party. You did. Totally did. But they were nice to us as we walked in. We had banter back and forth.

We made them laugh. They made us laugh. So we had already established the thing before we went inside. They had established something to the effect that when I walked out, they're like, I want to meet that guy. Yeah because of my crazy hair or something and so there was an

enough of a conversation that it got so boring that you talked about my hair so but he says so the guy immediately tries to fucking pin it on these other two ladies which then pissed me off and that's whenever whenever I was like, no, you are fucking out of line. This is not how it works. He's still kissing my ass because we're driving through the desert. I forgot a lot

of the story, I think. No, no, he was blaming the black ladies. We went to Walmart. It was the black ladies. You don't remember? No. We went to Walmart. No, that was it. It was the black ladies who were smoking pot. You don't remember? No.

He tried to feel out your racism. Yeah, because by saying, yeah, it was them. They were out there for a long time before you. I know that it wasn't you. You guys were only out there for a minute. It was those ladies that were out there. Then this other story about the other fairs that he had. Yeah, then he started trying to play the race card because

just because I'm Syrian earlier because when I didn't bite on the fucking race thing and I was still being a dick. Chad held up his hands and made quote marks behind Syrian. Latin America works for a whole bunch of fucking countries. We went into the Walmart and got stuff,

and then we come out, and he started. And then he knew, by then he knew I was fucking burnt out at him and that I was not a racist, even though I might look like one. So he fucking played the wrong card on me and started trying to tell me. Well, I took a fare earlier to the casino, and they just tried to tell me, because you're Syrian, you can get us cocaine and i was trying to tell him i can't i can't get you cocaine you know just

because i'm sure you're gonna have to walk back from your affair because i'm not and i was like so now you're fucking denouncing racism when you fucking clearly earlier were fucking trying to if i would have just said the word nigger in the first minute he would have fucking felt like he was off the hook immediately he would have paid for the cranberry and soda i was like it wasn't even a fucking so uh shaley had given me uh money to pay for the the cranberry juice and stuff so when we came back I gave you a bunch of 20s oh maybe that's the fucking wallet money

I already know you guys are fucking we have no idea about that I don't want to get off track I gave him a bunch of 20s because I didn't know what he was going to get and so when we get back I know why he knows who we are is because you guys have me tip the fuck out of him and when he takes me to get us booze and fucking

stuff in the middle of the night and so he knows exactly who we are oh also he already yeah yeah i know who you guys are i remember all the rooms you stayed in and he named off all the room numbers that we've stayed in. I forgot about that part. So I was like, all right. Wow, that's weird. Yeah. Yeah, that's creepy.

So after we pulled back up, I looked and I was like, oh, I just have all of Shaley's 20s. So I go, you guys, I go, you have $10. And he says, and he goes, I have two fives. And he comes over, and he's still just super nervous. He has no idea. And he comes over, and I told him to give me $20, and I took his two fives. And I was like, these guys would have had me fucking give you a $20 for taking me over to do this,

but you were a fucking dick earlier. So I'm going to give you $10, and the next time don't be a fucking dick whenever we go. But he, like, yanked money back. Yeah, yeah. It's like, that's why I'm taking that. Joink! I was still a fucking passive-aggressive dick. And then, as a diplomat, then when we got into the lobby where other people could hear us,

I was like, hey, if we're too loud up there, just come up and let me know, and we'll quiet down right away. But we're going to do our best to keep it down. But just let me know if we're too loud. Don't call the cops, Abba. And he just fucking looked at me. I remember that when we were on the patio with the young ladies, there were people above us talking and, like like looking out the window with the lights on

and then we were so loud that they oh it's horrible he told us they had four call he told me they had four calls they of course i believe i was ready to call but they're there they had they had like looked out the window with the lights on and then realized that we didn't give a fuck and then they turned the lights out but you could still see their glasses shining. It was horrible. But honestly, dude,

the whole thing with Abba, when we were sitting there, that was not the time to get into it. The time to get into it was when you actually could talk to him one-on-one because no one knew. Understood.

No one knew that was the guy. As a diplomat, that makes complete sense. As a guy who's still unsure whether the guy who's 50 feet from a phone is going to call the cops on me or not, I have 50 feet to stop that from happening. That's within my power. One way or the other, the cops are not going to get called granted i'm glad that you stopped me and we were able to do it differently it worked out really good yeah yeah we did it honestly but one way or the other you're

not calling the fucking cops on me i'm sorry i'll stop it he he never said he was but honestly tracy's the one who gave up the, was that because those ladies were black? That was the whole thing. I was like, motherfucker. I didn't even, and I still didn't want to believe it until I went with him, and he immediately tried to fucking put it on them, and I was just like, oh, I'm fucking believable, man.

They split like crazy, like right after. They were so nervous. I'm like, this is just us hanging out. I don't smoke pot. Doug doesn't smoke pot. You know, now that I think about it, that might be why I was willing to be so aggressive so fast when I thought the cops were going to be called

is because I did extend my white privilege to people, and I did not want to re-nig on my white privilege. Wait, did you just say nig? He said dig. White? You said white want to re-nig on my white privilege. Wait, did you just say nig? He said nig. White priv? Re-nig. Alright, let's get the fuck out of here.

I have to get up to the hospital tomorrow. Dude, this is like a Rogan podcast. Hey, can I request a song to close this fucking podcast? No, we have to do thank yous. When we're done, can I do that? Fuck the thank yous. We'll save them for next time. A lot of people have sent shit, especially for Bingo's birthday.

We'll get to that when Bingo cranks out of this. I feel like douchey. I wrote an update. I canceled all my gigs, et cetera, et cetera. And I keep saying, when she comes out of this where in my heart i go there's a if slash when so i'm kind of falling into other people's positive thinking but yeah if or when either way we're we're we we've been dealing with this since with how do we fuck with her? We kind of want to pretend that she's just going to pop out of this going,

where am I? Well, how long has it been? And we know that if we start with while you were in a coma, Trump became the president and once we can prove that to her all the other lies will tell her will hold true it will seem reasonable she'll believe that i mean it's not hard i know vine is gone now but if you saw the old vines we did where we just put a plastic bug outside the hotel door and she would just go

fucking ballistic. She can come out of a fucking coma. It's easy to trick. With a giant scorpion, plastic scorpion. By the way, when Doug told me that, I go, do you need the scorpion? He goes, of course. Bingo.

And then we have someone who can do all of us special effects style looking like we're 70. Like 20 years older? For 20 years. Gray wig? Trump was president. She wouldn't even know term limits. So he's been president for 30 years.

We can do a lot of shit. Oh my God, you're falling awake. And there's like powder falling. So everyone that's sending me, I appreciate all the text tweets, Facebook emails, shitty. Yeah, just throw dark you if you're a comic don't say hey

hopes and wishes yeah just send dirty fucking awful things if I can do anything to help if I can do anything to help what can I do what can you do cash to chad shank cash to chad shank

cash is always helpful. Honestly, dude. I had a really funny joke. Doug. It's for Sal Volcano. Before you get into the joke, I have to tell you right now, that was the saddest motherfucking thing. Oh, Greg, close on that.

No, you're going to close on a joke. Saddest motherfucking thing we walked into, and everyone that was here for her party stepped up like so huge and it's like you could go do what you need to do we could come here and do everything but honestly i could not even look at what was happening i had to look at the the tech stuff cry like tracy do it again it was earlier but honestly that was that was tough to go there today but everyone so everyone who came out here ended up not going

to a party to eat cake they played saxophone to a girl who's comatose we're closing we could go all maudlin but we'll do that as soon as we say goodnight let me know if there's anything you need and I've got that We could go all maudlin, but we'll do that as soon as we say goodnight.

Let me know if there's anything you need, and I've got that text email. If there's anything you need at all. I wrote it down based on Jason Connors, who's an old friend. I hate to use the word fan. What could you possibly do? I hate to use the word fan what could you possibly do and I wrote a joke down for this podcast

that I can't remember what if there's anything you can do and I have no joke anymore but I appreciate your sentiment you know what text, tweet, facebook, whatever

inappropriate jokes. Because prayers, hopes, and wishes don't work. But if you say something inappropriately, darkly funny, yeah. Make us laugh. He did the sweetest fucking thing into her ear. Go ahead. No, go ahead. You already started.

Fuck you. Well, it's about me so fuck you you fucking go into a gig you fucking asshole i can't how could you go yeah i'm sorry hey sally tomatoes in ronard park i'm sorry i missed that guess what he's not showing up to disappoint you there's not a lack of ego involved in my part where i go oh if i do cancel these gigs i don't have to play these pieces of shit that fucking brian you don't remember roanoke park i had to fucking go to the back of the room stand on a banquet table at a wedding hall to yell at the front row from the back because there were such pieces of shit. He canceled the front show and did a side stage show with me holding my flashlight to light him

because he hated everyone in the front row. Yeah, Runroad Park. Guess what? You don't get that again. There's too many people to thank for hanging around. You know what? You know the only person? This is the worst thing ever.

Who? Patton Oswalt. I thought maybe Patton, you might reach out. Because you know what? Yeah, you're the only person that you could talk to. I thought you'd reach out. You want tips and tricks from Patton Oswalt? But it's still ego-related.

All right. Fucking done. Chad Shane. Chad has a song. Joby left. Chaley. Jen holding down the fort. Jenny holding down the fort.

Probably a lot harder work for Jenny than just Jen and a million other people. That's a story. And who knows how this ends? I'm getting super gay after the mic class. You know who asked? This guy. Let's do it. I have music.

That's close. We probably can't play Girlfriend in a Coma. How about we do? We'll play it. It won't go on SoundCloud. We're killing strangers. That's what SoundCloud. We're killing strangers. Yeah, fuck, that's what I want. We're killing strangers

so we don't kill the ones that we love. Killing Strangers by Marilyn Manson. I swear to God, sooner or later, someone is going to teach Stan Hope melody. Better run, motherfucker.

We got young. Fucking great song, man. Killing Strangers by Marilyn Manson. Play it, Shaley. My version was so much better. This world doesn't need no opera. We're here for the operation. We don't need a bigger knife

Bigger knife Cause they got guns We got guns We got guns They got guns We got guns You better run You better run, battle run, battle run

We're killing strangers We're killing strangers We're killing strangers So we don't kill the ones that we love We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones who we love. We're killing strangers. We're killing strangers. We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones who we love. Love. Kill the ones who we love Love Love

Love We pack demolition We can't pack emotion Dynamite, we just might So blow us a kiss, blow us a kiss Blow us a kiss, we'll blow you to pieces Blows the kids will blow to pieces We're killing strangers We're killing strangers

We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones that we love. Love. Love. Love. Love. We got guns. We got guns. Motherfuckers better, better, better run. We got guns, we got guns Motherfuckers better, better, better run We got guns, we got guns Motherfuckers better run

We got guns, we got guns Motherfuckers better, better, better run We got guns, we got guns Motherfuckers, better run We're killing strangers We're killing strangers We're killing strangers So we don't kill the ones who we love We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones that we love

We're killing strangers We got you! We're killing strangers We got you! We're killing strangers so we don't kill the ones that we love Love Down the road you will know Know Know Know Know

Know Alone Alone Alone You better run Cause we got guns Cause we got guns We got gold We got gold We got gold Thank you.