The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #177: Here's the Bingo Update

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

Doug has a Bingo update and he shares it from a hotel adjacent to the Tucson ICU with Chad Shank, Jobi, Brett Erickson, Kelly Carpenter and Ggreg Chaille.Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", available on cd Nov 20, 2016. Pre-order now at Amazon.com.Recorded Nov. 14, 2016 at a hotel near the ICU in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), Kelly Carpenter, and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.Check out Bert Kreischer's Special THE MACHINE now showing on Showtime.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Where To Put The Flowers"' by Amy Bingo Bingaman.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

She knows how to hit the button. Super full moon. Sirens in the background. Back patio of a nearby hotel. Hotel adjacent. Hotel adjacent. And, uh, the weather's warm. The, uh, uh, homemade cocktails are cold.

They're flowing. Some people are awake. Some people are asleep. Some people are in comas. We're losing people, which might not be bad. Oh, shit. Sorry, Tracy. Got it.

All right. Here's the bingo update. Who fucking knows? She started speaking words six days in, I guess. Trying to speak. That's the problem with doing Twitter updates. There's only so much you can tell.

You can't go into detail. She sat up and said, I gotta pee, was her first sentence. I gotta pee. If you ever saw the old movie Motel Hell, where they kill the guests, but they keep them alive and they bury them. That's how they make their sausage. They had the best sausage. And people come from miles around, but they're made out of people. So they keep the people alive and they cut their vocal cords

and bury them up to the necks in the backyard. So that's how Bingo is talking. You're in the hospital. So, yeah, there's a lot of translation, but there was enough that you know that she's understanding you. And she can recognize people in the room. Yeah. She knows who you are.

She said, you, Joby, Joby, we got to get this. She wouldn't tell me what she needed, which frustrated me. The most frustrating is she'll make sentences where you can make out everything but the punchline, basically. Comic doing premises without the punchline. Well, as of today, she was really responsive for a couple days, which actually makes it harder to watch because she also knows that she's fucked and she has a feeding tube up her nose. They have to strap her hands down. So she doesn't pull the tube out. thing out of her nose. There's spilling oatmeal up her nose. And now today they had to put a rectal tube in her because she's just shitting water, which any one of us that drinks heavily understands.

Rectal tube? Do they sell those over the counter? I'm thinking the gift shop. And they're going to put the catheter back in, and her brain's progressing, but her lungs are fucked and her vocal cords are fucked, and I can't explain it in medical terms. Pneumonia, yeah, and there's problems with her vocal cords, neurological damage, something with it is actually swelling her throat.

Where it could close up. So they put her back on a breathing tube, and now they're debating back and forth between the trach. So we're going to be here for a while. I'm a Tucson resident at a nearby hotel looking for an Airbnb. As soon as the parents are out of their house, we'll all shack up in an Airbnb and ride this motherfucker out. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I got to hear the Stern thing. That was so cool. A bunch of the Stern guys reached out, and people I've never even talked to, to the place where you're going, oh, fuck.

It's very cool. And Stern mentioned it on the show today and they played her first appearance on Stern 10 years ago was the first time we were there together. And they did it on Sternthology. They, they put our first appearance on. You guys both sounded so young. I know. No raspy or anything.

I still had the guttural cough every now and again. Oh, the Brechels are here. Keep going. But it was, yeah, bingo was all giddy and I sounded dopey, but it's like chicks that did porn

a hundred years ago and they regret it, but they still want to look at it because they go, yeah, I was doing porn, but look how good I looked. I was all dumb and happy. I was all giddy to be there. I was all bitter. Now you're used up.

And I still sound dopey, but it's not young dopey. So Chad Shank, Joby, Chaley, the Bretchells just showed up. Brett Erickson and Carrie Mitchell. Tracy's here. And Jenny's birthday. She's up here celebrating her 30th birthday. On a super moon.

On a super moon. On a super moon. Full moon super moon. In our exclusive back patio at a nearby hotel. Just because nobody's staying here. That's the virgin bar

there at the end. That's the wink wink bar. They didn't say there's no outside beverages allowed. They haven't say there's no outside beverages allowed, so they haven't said no yet. We get one free pass. Joby, you've been here since the beginning.

Yeah, I don't know what to say. It's been up and down. We were so happy yesterday. We were just giddy. Last night I got full. When she made her first I Gotta Pee, even her mother was sitting down here getting hammered. They have a drink here at the bar called the Wake Up Call. And it's like some dark beer with chocolate and spiced rum and whipped cream.

So mom gets hammered off of one drink. She's hugging me. She's telling everyone in the hotel lobby, my daughter just came out of a coma. And then yesterday, better signs on Sunday. And then now Monday, eh, not so good. And they're sucking bloody mucus out of her lungs while she's sort of awake enough to be uncomfortable.

And you go, I kind of like the coma thing better than her. Being lucid sucks. Oh, it's awful. So I don't really know what's going on. And you can say as much or as little as you want. We don't know what's going on. But I didn't know she was being worked on with gurgling blood air. Oh, they stick the thing down her because she's got pneumonia.

Did they intubate her again? Okay, so then that's because she had some irritation. I'm not a doctor. She had a lot of phlegm. You missed the first part. He went over all this already. I don't know. No, we wouldn't have gone over this.

I didn't know until we got here. She came in with walking pneumonia. Well, she didn't come in with walking pneumonia. Rolling. She had supine pneumonia. It all checks out. Alright.

That was already in her system before she banged her bean on the cement. I'm glad you still have a picture of the pile of blood that Ichabod. And I told you, when the time is right, yeah, it's yours. It's still covered. I keep putting a blanket over it in case the wind blows it away. Because I don't want, A, the dogs, Joey, don't want the dogs getting to it. They will lick the shit out of that.

And I'm certainly not going to wash it away because I don't want to get yelled at. And it's not going to rain until May. Someone will do a chalk outline of it or something. I'm surprised you didn't pay somebody to shellac over the top of it already so it stays there.

Kenny and Derek won't wash it away because they don't work. They don't work that hard. The night shift girls has been Brooke and Kate and one night she's wearing adult diapers or she was until they recatheterized them. Brooke, for different reasons.

Her holes are blown wide open. Anyway, she might listen to this. But they're staying with her on night shift, and they get goofy. They're staying with her on night shift, and they get goofy. And one night there were no more adult diapers, and they had to go find them, so they just created them out of the pads they put down. Puppy pads. Puppy pads. So they created this giant diaper for her, and then they created another one

and wrote Victoria's Secret on it and we're taking pictures on top of her, I like to say corpse. I know it's the wrong word. The pad is as wide as a twin bed. I mean, it's that big. It's like four feet across. It's like a huge baby Huey diaper that says Victoria's Secret with a heart on it.

It's fucking awesome. And this is the problem. You were going to say something. Is the moment over? I didn't want to step on you. No, I don't remember what that was. All the gags that we were thinking about, when she comes out of the coma,

she still doesn't know Trump is the president. The problem is we're thinking it's going to be like a movie where she just springs up and we can fuck with her. Well, it's not like that. Even though she's making words and can say, I gotta pee and responds to do you want a bedpan or do you just want to

pee in your pee pants? I want the pan. Meaning she recognizes the question. She's that cognizant. But she's still, like last night, she didn't know what year it was there's still a lot of problems so you can't just start fucking with her head now

and I don't know if that moment's gonna come where alright now's the time to unload all these goofs on her hopefully there is like that moment where alright now's the time to fuck with her and tell her Trump's president. But she's still going to think that you're fucking with her.

She's going to go back into the coma. But I mean, a lot of people are tweeting very funny stuff. Remember the old, there was a Simpsons episode where some character was coming out of a coma and the character said, it had been in a coma for like 20 years or whatever, came out of the coma and the character said, it had been in a coma for like 20 years or whatever, came out of the coma,

and the person said, does Sonny and Cher still have that show? And the doctor said, no, he's a congressman, and she won an Academy Award. And he's like, good night. And then right back up. Simpsons did it.

So it's, yeah, it's just touch and go. Wow, I wish I could remember some of the great shit people have tweeted, but Jack and Dino, what did he just tweet? Oh, the tubes? Oh, Jack and Dino just tweeted, if Bingo had any more tubes coming in and out of her, she'd be in my internet history. Nice. Did you give the Facebook address to anyone who wants to tune in for daily updates?

What? No. I didn't know there was one. Brooke. Brooke. Brooke Bingaman. Yeah. If you're interested,

she posts a couple times a day. Yeah, a couple times a day, daily updates, you know, whatnot. All right, good. Because I get on Facebook for one thing or two things. I didn't expect you to, but I just didn't know

if you mentioned it. But Brooke Bingaman, and yeah, if you're interested, just check there. If there's different Brooke Bingaman, she's the one with pictures of a chick that looks like Bingo, but dead. There's no possible way I can get back to my, my phone, thank you very much, I appreciate it. If I didn't get back to your text messages or your emails, I'm a bit preoccupied. But I appreciate it and I see you texted and don't send shit. It's a waste.

First of all, you can't send flowers. It's a waste. First of all, you can't send flowers to the ICU. They can't let them in. Which she's still in. Yeah. But she can have stuff waiting for her. This is what Tracy and I were talking about. If you want to send stuff, 212 Van Dyke Street when she gets home.

There is a pile of things already that I was debating today whether I should bring it down. And I'm like, what the fuck? So I could carry it out there and then carry it back with wrapping paper off of it? No. If you want to send something, like a card or something like that.

Whatever you want to send, send it to 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603. And then it'll be waiting for her. The room is small enough. It's not allowed. Arizona 85603. And then it'll be waiting for them. The room is small enough. It's not allowed. They can only have a few things in there, like crossword puzzles and Sudoku.

There's not putting in a big spray of flowers in the ICU. And crossword puzzles and Sudoku are completely worthless at this time. No, this is for the people sitting in there. I don't know if you mentioned this. There has to be someone from the family or close to the family with her at all times. Otherwise, she'll tear tubes out or she'll just wake up crying and no one's there. Turns out this is serious. Today, I was out smoking with Joby. You have to leave the grounds.

The hospital she's in is like the Mall of America. They have a farmer's market on Friday. No shit. It's that big. They have three different ICUs. So it's a non-smoking campus, meaning you can't smoke outside. So we have to walk all the way to a street and get on a sidewalk to smoke. And we're out smoking today. And I'm keeping up pretty good as long as I'm around the family.

If they're crying, I'm laughing. But otherwise, it's me. And we're out smoking. Me and Joby can be quiet. And it's so nice to have. out smoking me and jobe can be quiet and it's so nice to have because the family they have to kill the dead air with conversation well the good thing is this and the can we not talk like me and jobe there's there's a comfort in that where you don't feel like you were smoking.

And that song, Carole King, You're So Far Away, gets in my head. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I couldn't even sing a little bit of that out loud. It's making me cry just thinking about it so far away doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore it would be so fine to see your face at my door so i went in to where the sister and mom are and i go hey you know that song you're so far away by carol king you know the sister and mom are. And I go, hey, you know that song, You're So Far Away by Carole King? You know the lyrics? And I get it in their head.

I go, try to think about that without crying. And they both started crying, and I started laughing my balls off. But they were actually crying before that anyway, so you just added to it. I helped. I helped. There's a nickname for Stan Hope in the ICU unit. ICU Ruiner.

Also his rap name. Bingo. Every time she would cry over something silly, it would just make me laugh because she cries so adorably. I don't know if I did the wrong thing. Why do you always laugh when I cry? Well, it works with your sister and your mother, too. Must be a Bingaman thing. But, yeah, her mom, that Saturday night, we were in here like the

fucking home team won the big game after she said her first words and was responding. And mom's getting drunk and hugging people. Her mom's so great. She's just so wonderful. I can't wait to isolate that statement from the podcast and use it in the future. I love gay. I love the future. I love gay. I love the gay.

I love gay. I love gay so much. Have you guys met Joby? I love gay. I'm pretty sure that Joby's already said that on previous podcasts. Yeah, everybody knows. That's not a revelation. This time he meant it with an E on the end.

minute with an E on the end. We've pulled... The girls... Bingo's hair was so matted. I told Joby after six, seven days in ICU, it was... I told Joby it was like if you poured soda pop on a toupee and let it dry in the

sun. It was like caked. Not just dreadlocked, but caked, glazed cake. And her mother spent three hours one day in there. She had some kind of rinse-free foam shampoo. That's what they do when someone's unconscious or they're in a sensitive situation. They have this shampoo cap or they have this liquid that they put on and they just towel it off. Why aren't we all doing that?

I was just going to say, at least the upside is, I just realized what Mitchell's Christmas present is going to be. Ah, perfect. She spent three hours just little strands of hair at a time and just, you know, violin-ing it out with her thumb and forefinger. Trying to detangle dreadlocks is what it was. And she got it done, and they found one of the, I don't know if she's a doctor, a nurse, an RN that...

Hairstylist. Put it all in pippy long stocking braids. I have one great picture. I didn't want to tweet. It just seemed like the wrong time. But when she was in the middle of it, I spread her hair wide out on a pillow where she looked like Morgan Murphy. And I go, bingo, doing her impression of Morgan Murphy.

And it just seemed like the wrong time to tweet it, so I just texted it to Morgan. But it's just her with their nose tube and breathing tube and then giant hair across the entire pillow spilling over the sides of the bed. She really should have

cut that hair anyway. By the way, splayed out hair and nose tube, you nailed Morgan Murphy. She got it. She got it. All right. This is where we usually take a break, but I'll just throw it on

Erickson to carry the rest of the show. Hey, I was going to tell you, Erickson, before you decide on foam shampoo, there's also a rectal tube that you missed. We talked about it earlier. Oh, don't worry. Carrie Mitchell has already had her rectal tube. I didn't know.

It sounded like a good Christmas present for Mitchell. She's got all the rectal tubes she needs, buddy. Have you met me? Quit being funny over there without a microphone. And Kerry Mitchell also shits straight oatmeal like Bingo is. True story, true story. It turns out that explosive event where I came in and Dad met me at the waiting room and said, you can't go in there.

They're cleaning up. Evidently this was her first poop. I don't know if he said BM or poop. It was six days in. Evidently he was wrong because Joby was cleaning up poop. I'll get to you. I didn't clean up.

Oh, jeez. I had to be there for it. He thought it was her first one six days in where it was so bad. It was everywhere. They had to change the entire bed. No, she's cleared out the room several times before that. Yeah. To be fair, she's done it on tour in the van.

I was just going to say, as Stan Hope's wife, she's walking the room. She'd always fart at me or in my face and go, I just fart. I go, no, honey, that wasn't you. That was the dog or a squeaky door. Girls don't fart. Why don't you ever give me credit? Or on the road where we'd hear something and then I'd go, oh, good one, Stan Hope.

And totally, no credit whatsoever. Never give her credit for a fart. Shaylee, was that you? No, I mean, yes. Still crestfallen. A few people have emailed me or typed at me, let's just say, to be all

encompassing. I'm peeing coming out of a coma is not rare. They know someone or were someone that that's when they came out of the coma or their family was when they had to take a shit or take a piss. And evidently it's not uncommon that that's because when you're sleeping.

Yeah. That's the one thing that wakes you up without a fucking wake up call. I do it almost every night, to be fair. Hey, has anybody tried telling her we did all her blow in that same vein? Maybe that'll jerk her into it. That's not true. It still exists.

Yeah, we can't lie to her. We tried. She'd know it was a lie. Yeah. Yo, I guess we could lie to her. Just kidding. There's still a bunch left. What people didn't know is that she wasn't going to do that cocaine.

She was just keeping it in the fanny pack in front of her as ballast. Perfect. It wasn't enough. In those situations, you have to guesstimate. It's not an exact science. I mean, you only turned 40 once. I think she had her hair up. There was a headwind.

I don't want to point fingers, but whoever did a bump just before that may have taken just enough weight off. It's your fault. It's your fault. Is that load-bearing coke? Malcolm Gladwell, the tipping point. That's what he talked about. That's it.

Well, she turned into a real outlier. All right. Okay. No, it's all right. Good night, everybody. Don't get sophisticated. We're making jokes about Malcolm. Good night, everybody. Don't get sophisticated. We're making jokes about... You're the one who said Malcolm Gladwell.

I was just working out the timeline in my head. It was the last podcast we did was after End of the World. Yes. Yeah, all right, good. But they went out in order, because I got the End of the World, and that went out, and then the last podcast is the one we were doing at the Funhouse. All right.

This one doesn't have to be a long one. I just want people to know, hey, I can't update when I don't know. And if you, hey, what's going on? Call me. Well, I can't. My phone has never been more than 40% charged. My phone has never been more than 40% charged. All I do is stare at her for a couple hours, come back here,

answer as many text messages as I can, figure out who's staying where, who's flying in, who's flying out. Visitors, if you're not like podcast or family, then just wait for her to call you. That's it. I was going to tweet that today. Listen, I can't keep updating, so I'll tell you if she's dead, and she'll tell you if she's good. Otherwise, it's in between. She might want to use this as an excuse to not ever hang out again,

depending on who you are. You can actually tell from caller ID. You don't even have to answer the phone. She used to always use, because she's really bad in social situations. And early on. You're not lying there. Wait, you mean just now or before? Yeah, you mean like when she throws a party? Yeah.

When the staples come out of her head, when her mother was having to go through that where the wild things are, hare nest, rat nest thing for three hours. The doctor had come in earlier in the week and not been able to find the staples that are in her head from Bisbee when she fell down before they life flighted her up here. Like, the hair was so thick that when she finally found them

after three hours of doing her hair, oh, he was looking in the wrong place altogether. Three hours to find the staples in her head. You know there's probably loose ones. Gay, her mother gay was saying, I bet a bunch of them just hit the floor. They were just stapling randomly. It was in the dark. It was the EMTs that were doing it in the dark with Joby's cell phone camera flash.

Wait, they stapled her right there? They stapled her somewhere in the dark. All right. But no one went, ah, that's good enough. Let's move on. I don't know. She knows stuff we don't know. And I don't think she wants to be on the podcast as an expert witness.

But enough about this. It's Jenny's 25th birthday. Wow, she's old enough to rent a car. And your insurance rates go down. Happy birthday, my love. Thanks for being around. I appreciate it. I'm glad you chose to spend it with us.

Thank you for having me. Oh, thank you for having me. Oh, thank you for having me. Kelly Carpenter and... Logan. I would have had it. I called them two different names all night that night. But they weren't... Bob was one of them.

I think it was like Landon and something else. I don't know. I settled on Bob. You were serenading her early on. They let you in. Hang on. Let me give you a mic. Come over here.

Oh, damn. Hello. Chuck, testing one, two're here. Oh, damn. Come on, Chuck. Hello, Chuck. Testing one, two. Yeah. Hi, guys. Yeah, I sing her songs, man. I assume this is at night? Yeah, after work, sure.

Got to work around here. What's the deal with that? Do you have to, like, keep it low? Or they're like, hey, any music's good for all of the people. Of course I know. Like, of course. You know, it was very soft're like, hey, any music's good for all of the people. Of course I know. It was very soft. But I know also that... Where did you set up the PA?

It's funny you should ask. On top of the breathing unit. No, just kidding. There's a lot of plugs in there. Acoustic, Shaylee, come on. Because I know I could reach her. I always told her I'd find her no matter what state or whatever.

Oh, like Houdini and his wife. And music is a thing with us especially. It's how we connect and we always have. So, yeah, and so singing her songs, singing her favorite songs. That song we sang at that one airport bar that one time.

That was her first song. She also, first performance at the Grand. singing her our favorite songs that song we sang in that one airport bar that one time like that was her first song she also first performance at the grand um uh so yeah so of course soft but they did say i mean she wasn't conscious then she didn't say i have to pee or anything like that but i knew she was in there right because she's fucking bingo and her brain is spectacular western medicine has nothing on that girl's brain to me that's not a thumbs down by the way no yeah no well thumb sideways well everybody or hang loose in hawaii because that's how we do we we talked about this everyone that talked to her we all kind of thought maybe we're gonna be the guy that can pull the sword out of the stone to

be King Arthur. I'm going to be the one. She's going to wake up for me. Yeah. And I didn't think she was going to wake up. But what I did love, because I knew she thought she was out. But kind of. You kind of thought you hoped. No, like, I mean, at some point I still will. Like, you know, we still all will, you know, be the one to, like, get to it. But only one of us can be first. Well. Highlander. There can only be one.

Urine has already topped all of us. It's taking a break. I mean, since childhood. It's been a thing way before us. But what did happen when I was there was that she had target, like, breathing, resting points and stuff that were, like, way high. They don't want them to be above 30. 29 all day. What'd you hit?

What was your? 18, dog. They wanted 12 to 20. And she was at 18. Even the doctors were like, what's happening, right, during the hour and a half or whatever. I mean, I've done it a couple times. But the one day when after the three days we thought she might die,

then there was days after that. So it's like the fourth day. Okay. So the song you were playing at that point did you change your set list for your next gig to make that the closing song evidently never compromise the set list let me let me guess let me guess the song gg allen tough fucking shit oh no i mean really i didn't bring my guitar, y'all. I mean, shit. There is one around.

I gave it to Scott and never saw it again, but it was the house guitar. The house guitar. Who's Scott? It's one of the... Saxophone Rob's brother, the drummer. He's the nurse that was there when it happened. I should have known that.

My bad. If you could plan having a seizure and falling off two steps high onto the back of your noggin. Rob saved her life, man. It would be Scott. It would be Scott standing there going, what the fuck? No one touch her. I mean, that was great. Yeah, Scott, of course.

Huge. My memory, you know. Yeah. Yeah, he saved her life. But he can take that guitar away and save my life because that guitar is a, of course. Huge. My memory, you know? Yeah. Yeah, he saved your life. But he can take that guitar away and save my life, because that guitar is a piece of shit. Well, his girlfriend almost killed her then, because she called 911.

On my phone. And gave her the address of her own Airbnb. Yeah, 414 Arizona. 614. Because 911 called my phone back, which was the phone I gave to her to make the call. They called back. They're like, we're in Arizona

Street, right? And I was like, 212 Van Dyke! I can't wait to see that Airbnb's review of their guests. 9-1-1, yeah, like, oh. Fail. Hey, it was a great time. We were only there for a few hours. Had to bolt

by the nice people. And they're saying, yeah, they sent 17 ambulances to her house like it was a prank call. These merry pranksters will not be welcome back. Exactly. It's funny. My Verizon that night was like, family base is

now you're restricted because my phone called 911 that night. I haven't looked into it. I have no idea what that means. It was weird. I don't either. I was like, whatever. Like domestic violence. I get Amber Alerts on my phone, and I go, I don't have kids. Fuck off.

I don't care. Yeah, what's it got to do with me? I don't think you know what an Amber Alert is. I do, but when they get them, I'm like, why would you call me? I don't care about kids, and I'm vocal about it. Am I going to look out for them? You did call your caring mother. I did.

I actually did. I was like, stop it. It's a very alarming, like a natural disaster or something. But we're all in the fun house at the time. So seven of us got these screaming alerts on my phone. So I just called AT&T and go, what the fuck? You get this on my phone? That was a long time ago.

That's displaced anger. Yeah, it's at least seven months ago. I'm a better man now. We all want the kids to be found. Yeah, find them on your own. I didn't have that thing. They're not in the fun house. I looked. Yeah, they're not there.. I didn't have that thing. They're not in the fun house. I looked.

Yeah, they're not there. Chances are they're not there. Okay, so here's my thought. Carrie Mitchell. Thought I woke bingo up story. All right. You pulled Excalibur from the stone. This was election day.

So it was earlier before you guys got there. And you and I were texting. And you had texted me, giving me updates and saying that we were going to Vox Bingo. Are you there in five minutes? And I was just waking up from a nap. So I texted Kelly, just woke up. And then I called you and we set up the Vox. Which was amazing, by the way.

Bingo totally heard it. She loved it, right? up the Vox. Which was amazing, by the way. Vigo totally heard it. She loved it, right? So we Voxed for a few minutes, and then that was done, and I was like, okay, well, Kelly, call me on your way home and give me more updates and let me know more of everything. Voxies is like a three-way call. Yeah, it's like a walkie-talkie. Walkie-talkie, yeah.

So we Voxed because that's fun. Voxer that's fun. Voxer. For your enjoyment. So a cut to now Kelly's driving home and I look at my phone and I see just woke up. And so I call Kelly and I was like, what? She just woke up. She just woke up. And my hair is standing on end. Julie Ziva is on my couch looking at me like, what?

Like she just sat through the whole voxing. And I was like, she's awake. Like, I did it. And then Kelly texted. It was my text that I sent to her saying, I just woke up from a nap. I think I was awake. No. And Kelly was like, I just left the hospital.

I was like, how would she wake up after I left? That's so unfair. So mean-spirited. But it felt so good for that minute. Sword in the stone. So have you met Carrie Mitchell? Turns out I'm a burnout. Marijuana making the world better for everybody.

One token at a time. By the way, I actually, not to interrupt, I actually have an update. The Bengals are leading the Giants 10-7. There's four minutes and 12 seconds left in the second quarter. You know what? Anytime a New York team loses, Bingo gets more strumpf. That's an inside joke with me and Bingo, well, with a lot of us, but it started with me and Bingo. And that's one of the hardest things that we've found

is there's family and friends, and so there's usually at least two or three people in the room with her. Right. So, like, I say all this dumb shit that we would only say waking up and gut you in the belly kind of shit. That I'm having to stare at her dad and then

her best gal pal friend's sister and they look at me like I'm just being goofy. And then I have to explain, no know, this is a thing we do. Every time she brushes her teeth, I hit her in the tuchus, kind of whatever. Like, I have to back.

But you know she can still hear you having to explain it. And you know she's probably embarrassed for you. All the things that you put onto the coma person, whether she's gurgling, kind of responsive, or just dead. You don't, you assume that they're. She's still absorbing. It's like your dog. That brain.

Stay with me. Yeah, yeah. You know how you put shit on your dog. Oh, the dog's at home probably going, when's mommy coming home? the dogs at home probably going, when's mommy coming home? You don't know what the fucking dog's thinking, but you... There's a trans...

You do that big word thing. Anthropomorphic. No, that's not the word. That's a big word. Well, that's... Transubstantiate. You can't just pick a big word. You have to pick the right big word.

Transubstantiation. All right, good. That's a bigger word. You have to pick the right big word. Transubstantiation. Alright, good. Anthropomorphism. Well, my dad corrected me when I tried to use that big word when my dad was alive. The point is that's an inanimate object.

And then the jokes roll. The point is that's an inanimate object. And then the jokes roll. I stand by my word. Either way. Anthropomorphic? You assume the worst. And that's why we can't pull all those beautiful pranks. Where you sit down you know hey let's go fuck with her about this and then you see her getting you know blood phlegm sucked

out of her and her chest heaving and you hey she's doing better she made words well i can't tweet oh her chest was heaving like alien was gonna bust bust out of her sternum. But it's all good as far as you're concerned. Is she going to live? Yes. Is it going to be like the end of very bad things? Maybe. At some point when we had to have the family huddle, this was very strange. When was this?

This afternoon. They were gonna have to trach her and put the breathing tube back in and trach immediately. It's because it's so disgusting. Everyone's panicked.

And they call me and I go over. We have to do this as a family. And they defer to me. Mom and dad and the sister never leave you in charge. You don't even bring a guitar. You're the guy that can't say no.

She doesn't need a mic. I'm the guy that can't say no. Well, I assume they know what they're doing. But at some point, Gay says, well, I think because dad is asking a lot of questions, which you should do, but there were so many things that I understood it the first time. So they're both talking, like the doctor has to placate everyone and talk to everyone like they're stupid

because that's usually who you deal with. The one that's going to do the trach thing and she's the representative. There's so many factions of this ISIS. There's the ear, nose, throat ISIS and the fucking respiratory factions of this ISIS. There's the ear, nose, throat ISIS, and the fucking respiratory, and then there's the speech therapist.

There's a million kinds of doctors. So they send in Dr. Wu. Trump's America. ISIS is really infiltrated. Are you with me, Dr. Wu? Anyway, that's a whole other line of thought. We'll just call her Dr. Woo. It's a Steely Dan song. Look that up for bingo. She's talking in the small room with the four of us,

and Dad's asking questions, and it gets to a point where they just keep repeating. He's repeating the same questions, and then she's repeating the same long-winded answers, and then the sister will chime in with, I think what you're saying, doesn't everyone know exactly what the fuck? Joby told me when I was called over there

exactly what's going on in two sentences then we all get brought into this room they're waiting for ronda dad to park the car and then then it's 20 minutes of this round table conversation where it comes back to the two sentences joe b had told me this is what's going on i get get it. If I have questions, I'll ask. And dad's asking questions because he thinks he should, and she's responding in the milquetoast way you have to respond to people. And then at the end, Gay says, well, I think Doug says that's what he wants. I'm the guy.

Like, yeah, that is. You're right. But why am I the guy that has to, like, pull the plug on this? Oh, no. Actually, I closed it with that. So not to speak, by the way. That's the opposite of so to speak. She was just trying to get dad to shut up.

So she said, okay, I think Doug says that's good. But I closed with that as everyone's slowly leaving the small room. I go, wait, isn't there a part where we all vote on pulling the plug instead? It's Monday Night Football. Anyone? Don't we get that? We don't even get the choice? It is only the bangles.

I should have saved that update for right now. Comedy is timing. God damn it. That's why I'm still middling. Wait, you got a middle job? Finally. Between two bears. So, the huddle.

The huddle. After that. No, at that point it was done, but we do have another guy on our side. Inside job. We got an inside guy. Even when we were in L.A., he's like, listen, she's doing way better than expected. Doctors have to tell you the best case scenario and play team he's a friend of ours but he also works there he's an icu guy he's like they're

not bullshitting you she's doing way better than other people in that condition so he came in and said uh hey i looked at the things this This Drake shit doesn't have to happen. So he's our guy. And I don't want to say more than that until she's out of there. Oh, that's what I wanted to say. Is seeing her in a coma in this place as bad as it's been, as choked up as you get, still better than when I saw her at that Valley Hospital, that fucking psych unit in Phoenix.

I don't know how to just shit all over them. I don't think they're on Twitter. Just seeing her in that psych unit, which was like Guantanamo, I'd rather see her in a fucking coma here with decent people around her than a psych unit where she's marched in in threadbare fucking Guantanamo prison wear and, uh, way better.

Fuck you, Valley Hospital. I'd rather have my girlfriend in a coma. Hey, Joby. Now, it just reminded me of what you said about your sister. Which part? Oklahoma. Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is horrible to say, but I'll say it.

The feeling of leaving Oklahoma. Is that what it was? Yeah. When I got to leave Oklahoma, the feeling of it was so good that I'd have my sister die all over again to keep feeling that. Just to have that feeling one more time. I wish I had another sister that was dying. He does.

Joby's got everyone dying when joe b came back to bisbee finally from oklahoma i said what what are you gonna do now he goes i'm gonna have to figure out where to go next because there's no money to be made here and i go we'll figure out some way some paying job i mean we have enough shit going on. Chaley's doing all sorts of stuff he shouldn't be doing. We'll find out a way you can... And then when I got here and it looked like, well, shit. Bingo might be a vegetable

for the rest of her life. I thought, wow, see? I told Joby I could find him full-time work in this week. Well, that's what Joby does. It's like a monkey's paw. You made a wish. Yeah, but it was when I was drunk and I don't remember. Somebody said that to me, one of the family, probably mom.

Like, you know what? You go through so much. Your life is just full of just these. I go, no, my life is great. It's all, it's like, you, Joby, it's everyone around me. It falls apart. Yeah, but sooner or later, everyone else is going to die, and I can go on with my life.

So it's just, I'm just waiting it out. That's why I'm not answering a lot of my texts. I got too many people that care about me. Jesus. I don't want to let anyone down when I can top myself. So I guess we'll wrap this up with... We got the police beat, right? You want to do that?

Yeah. Not unless Bingo's in it. And I heard she's not. Oh, damn it. We don't have any selected. We just have a blank police beat. Yeah. I'm not ready. I wanted to tweet this or

Facebook this, but I couldn't figure out how to make it not sound douchey without, you know, all the people that didn't call, email, or text that you would expect to. I know why you didn't, and thank you. Becker, I understand. Like, I want to call Becker and go hey thanks for not calling

you know Chaley's they're not fucking bothering me they know I'll fucking call them so all my closest friends that didn't email or text or call or whatever I get it thank you I understand it's the people that

don't offer their sympathies that are the heroes. No, no, I'm not. And you're welcome. That's exactly the problem. There's no way to say that. Like, everyone who did reach out, I'm glad, but I know the people that didn't don't think, oh, I feel like a dick because I didn't say it. No, I know.

I get it. I'll talk to you when it's over. I get it. You know what I'm saying, Chad? I absolutely know. I get it. I'll talk to you when it's over. I get it. You know what I'm saying, Chad? I absolutely know what you're saying. Today, I was afraid that you were going to think that I wanted to go visit Bingo today, and I was like, I don't want to go do that. I mean, if she's awake and can know I'm there, I'll do that.

But right now, if there's already people there, I don't want to go there. That's what I'm saying. The people that I know know that. Thank you for not thinking that you have to. I get it. And I'm sorry about Green Bay. That was a

shout out. That was a local shout out to the Funhouse Football fanatics. Alright, Chaley, I think we're done. Hey, Chaley just came back from the toilet with your wife. How do you feel about that, Brett, in closing?

I'm going to Disneyland. Did we end on an up note? Yeah, we're going to Disneyland Alright Happy birthday, Jenny Happy birthday, Jenny Once again, if you want to send anything Just send cards to

Don't even send cards She won't fucking read them Listen, let's be honest right now Postcards She doesn't read them We. Listen, let's be honest right now. Postcards. She doesn't read them. We'll hope she reads at one point, but she still will just go, oh, that's nice. Anyway, where's the thing about me?

I told her, when we were trying to get her to open her eyes and focus, like, can you see me? I go, wait, there's nothing bingo likes better than bingo. So show her pictures on your cell phone of her and say, hey, did you see this picture of yourself? And then you can see if her eyes are tracking. So we need 12 bingo masks for tomorrow? Tomorrow's too soon. I mean, according to the doctors.

All right. We'll keep you updated. I'll keep Chaley dragging ass up to Tucson with the gear, and we'll keep doing podcasts. Chad Shank is going to come in to do some duty shifts to make sure she doesn't pull tubes out of the wrong places. That was a weird thought. Well, it's not weird. A few people have tweeted it.

But, like, if you put one of those finger vibrators on her clit, this is before. Not now. You know we're still recording. Why not now? But I was thinking about that on my way to Taco Bell for breakfast. They wouldn't sell me because they don't

serve after 11. They're behind the breakfast game. Like you would think that might be something. You play music for her. She likes. But if you just put like a fucking vibrating finger blaster on her clit when she's in a coma, is this for you or her?

You'd think it would be more effective, and the theory's the same. She probably liked that too when she was awake. And if it didn't work, who cares? But I just thought about the whole, you know, the rape culture climate. You still came? Well. I got mine. That was so good.

But I just, when I thought of that, I just imagined a nurse walking in on that. And me being arrested for rape. It's just another theory. I don't care if she comes. I don't do this when she's awake. And then I rapid cycled through the hole.

The lengths she'll go to to go on a date with you. I was rapid cycling through the trial where I go, no, I'd never fuck her. Hardly anyway. If I did, it was all about me. I was just trying to

wake her up. That's rape. She did not just because there was no consent. I was trying to thing. All right, you do like herbal fucking Eastern teas. I went, hey, old school finger blaster thing. And you thought I was creepy by putting on the flyer for Halloween at Black Knob full-size candy bars?

Well, those are kids. If my kid was in a coma, I wouldn't go, hey, jack him off. Depending on his age. It depends on who was visiting. Is there a lock on the ICU door? I know there's a curtain. Listen, there's definitely a... ICU.

Shout out to the deep cut. I know there's a curtain. Listen, there's definitely a... I see you. Shout out to Derek. There's definitely a precedent set. You could listen to the Stern show. Everybody knows if Stan Hope was doing it for his own pleasure, he'd be messing with her butthole. Rectal tube. All right, speaking of rectal tube, we're going to close on that. And thank you, everybody, especially Jenny,

for spending her 19th birthday here with us in the most depressing atmosphere ever. Thank everyone who came. And, yeah, yeah, that's, oh, oh, oh, hey, there's a bunch of follow at Mr. Hennigan because I won't let him promote. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we're losing money hand over fist.

So we can't. Yeah, we have. There's a thing coming out. What? Well, they know I canceled the dates. Except Boston, he didn't take down. Someone's going to call him about that. It's up somewhere.

It's down. There's no more dates. I have no more comedy except stuff I already did that's for sale. So buy something. Do that. Just buy something or look at Mr. Hennigan's tweets because I won't let him promote shit that's for sale. My specialist, like now, audio or something. I don't know.

Fucking look at Mr. Hennigan. I'll let him promote shit. Actually, we have the new special coming out. It'll be online. Goodbye. Goodbye. It'll be online soon.

Hey, you know what? Play Bingo's song, Where to Put the Flowers. We'll close on that. Thank you, everyone. Love you, Bingo. Cheers, everyone. Salud. you, Bingo. Cheers, everyone. Salud.

Hold up your virgin drinks out here. Get your butt out of here. Get your butt out of here. It's yet another night where I don't sleep. I'm in your hometown. I'm in your hometown And you're in my new Orleans So yes, I guess I am where I am supposed to be For I seem to have some strange tendency

To show a bathroom just to who is boss The mirror has stooped to my level But the bathtub won't be misbehavin' At least anytime

soon I'm on shake number three but tonight my whiskey and me got more therapy at a fine man that torn scrap of paper where you wrote to me quote but most of all you are the bravest person i've had the honor to know i love you piano plays softly guitar solo Where to put the flowers now that the scissors have been used

My hair fell to the floor next to my heart that's now pumping booze But I still have my lips for a cheap red stick to abuse And I still got my feet to tap it all the way into tapsy shoes But lady taps his shoes but lady I'll fucking miss you

I said lady I'll fucking miss you There is no straight in this damn town That will lead me to you in a half moon after I've Eyeshadowed my entire body in blue And there is no river here that will run me to you But somewhere in my head I had you right With every pectoral ball that floats on by It's yet another night where I don't sleep

I'm in your hometown And you're in my New Orleans Thank you.