The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #178: Bingo Hates Rehab

Episode Date: November 29, 2016

Bingo is out of ICU and now in Rehab, which she hates. Doug has updates and tales from the on and off night shift with Chad Shank, Jenny, Tracey,  Kelly Bingaman Mom, and Ggreg Chaille.Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", now available on cd at  Amazon.com, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and DougStanhope.com.Recorded Nov. 25, 2016 at an AirBnB near the Bingo's Rehab in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jenny, Tracey, Kelly Bingaman, Mom and Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced and Edited by Chaille.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "Tainted Love", by Soft Cell. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, this is how we did this the first time and we should do this every time is we're going to start with a very quick bingo update for those who just want an update and don't want to listen to a podcast. to another brain trauma rehabilitation facility. It's a smaller facility. Very weird and very quiet. Creepy, but nice. She's got a big room with a second bed, so when we have to do night shift... She's off all of her tubes now. She's got a trach hole that she can talk through, her blowhole. That's to help her breathe better

right well she's got some vocal cord damage there's a lot of shit i'm not a doctor so we don't really know i i've yet i met chad and i met one doctor once and she's had a lot and i don't i don't have any idea who's in charge she had four on the shift yesterday when I was there during the day. Four different doctors from the night when I dropped you guys off to when I picked you up in the morning. Four different people came in and said, so how's it going? And they weren't just nurses doing stuff. They were doctors going, squeeze my fingers. Well, they have shift doctors.

I don't. It's a lot to manage. Okay. Here's the thing. Chad, Tracy, and Jenny, I think just the four of us have been doing night shift. So we're just watching her through. I figured out I've done 67 hours in five days of only graveyard. Nine to nines.

One day I did noon. I started on a Sunday from noon to like seven in the morning. So, yeah, we don't get to hear. Someone comes in and says, I have to do blood work. We turn them away. Chad was working the door. Okay, we'll get into the details later. You've got to definitely get into that.

Here's what bingos. Right now, she is alert. She is aware. She can talk. Not all of it makes sense. She's still confused. We don't know how much she remembers. We're not having conversations.

She'll talk in spells uh we don't know she called anything positive it seems like a milestone because we don't know how far that's going to continue that's so she squeezes your hand you're like wow and then she says she says a couple words even though she trails off like she can still speak i mean that's from the last time we did the podcast. Now she has the trach. You put a finger over the blowhole, and she can make a sentence. She can eat solid food now, but she can't have liquids because she's aspirating,

which means, Jenny, go ahead. Explain aspirating for the people. Aspirating, go ahead. Explain aspirating for the people. Aspirating, evidently. So she goes in your lungs when you try to swallow. Yeah, she swallows. Whatever, the vocal cords or something are not closing right or opening right. This is, I figure, it might make me throw up talking about it, but when you have the tracheotomy, your control center is shifted.

When you're going to drink something or you're going to breathe in, your brain knows how to handle it. But when you have a tracheotomy, everything's moved down to the middle of your throat for breathing, and that's what I think is aspirating. It's like how your epiglottis like how it closes so now you don't have that exactly that's the that's the the one the ab switch yeah which is exactly well now you don't have that to assist and so it's basically open so now when she's drinking liquids is what happening is then it's going into the lungs instead of into the abdomen and she doesn't react to it. She doesn't have like a waterboarding.

Oh, she's the perfect ISIS candidate. She can't get waterboarded. She'll never talk. Amy Bingo loophole Bingaman figured it out. Dick Cheney just went, oh, Bingaman. She's getting a lot of our old jokes. We don't know how much memory she has.

One day they come in and say there's a couple different things going on. She's got this trach thing, which is serious, because if her vocal cords don't heal right, they're talking that she could be on a trach for life. And then other doctors are going, who told you that? So we have no idea. We're night shift guys now. We don't get any of

the information. And when I do, I'm too overtired to process it. Or they tell me in such a thick medical vernacular that I have no idea what they're talking about, and I tune out. So she's got the brain injury. She had C. diff. I think that's recent since the last podcast. She got C. diff, which is some super bacteria that they treat with fecal transplants if it gets desperate. I don't think it's an issue anymore.

We're not treating it like it is. We don't take all the precautions. It's great what they'll tell you, what you have to do to be safe and to keep yourself safe and everything. But then you watch the people that actually work there and what they do. That's not what anybody told us. Yeah, absolutely. All right, so Bingo, she can talk.

She's very confused all the time. Her memory lasts minutes at best. I mean, like if you tell her, you got to do physical therapy now. Like focus. Then she starts to wander off towards the water bubbler because she can't drink. And that's just heartbreaking where she'll just walk around trying to grab, like, saline solution to drink. The foam. The foam.

The alcohol foam. The Purell thing. Tracy's like, oh, my God, don't let her see you work that thing where you put your fingers under it and it squirts out an amount. She goes, don't let her see you do that. I go, what for? She goes, she doesn't know how it works. She keeps tapping that little tray underneath to get the stuff that falls. She doesn't know how it works.

And I go, well, who cares? Doesn't she want to clean her hands? She's trying to drink it. Yeah. She's trying. She was poking at the IV bag. She's no longer on an IV bag, but the bag of solution that hangs off the pole, the post, she's poking at that and then poking at the tube that runs out of it,

trying to get to the bottom. She could suckle it or something. It's really fucking heartbreaking. You go, baby, you just can't drink. It'll go into your lungs. I don't care. I think that's like the other day we were feeding her breakfast and you had like the whole fucking buffet of everything they had

that she would eat and she just wanted fruit. And that's why I was like, because it's the closest thing to get a drink. Right. That's the most juicy thing. I was trying to get watermelon and her mother goes, that's too much liquid. I don't know why she can eat solid food, and that wouldn't go into her lungs, but she can't drink.

But again, we're not doctors. We're night shift. Wait, we're not doctors? We're the disorderlies. Oh, by the way, Robin, I talked to him before he went to bed. He came into town. He's all up for it. He said, we should take her on some ventures out,

on some errands and stuff. And I go, I already talked about that last night. I want to hijack her. Because if we don't ask the hospital, they didn't tell us, oh, by the way, don't take her out of this institution and drive her around town and do weird shit. We still got the blue wig. We could put

Brooke or Kelly. No, we can't fuck with her like that. That brings up a lot of... No, no, put her in bed. Turn her over. It looks like she's sleeping. It's like Escape from Alcatraz. Clint Eastwood. I mean, do you want me to make a paper mache face?

Do you have a... We gotta get... We'll be back at, like a dry cleaner has with the hour clock. Sorry, we stepped out back at 2.30 on her room door. So, okay, so she's walking and she can talk. Her memory is we don't know. In the morning, they'll do their rounds and they'll ask her basic, okay, what's your name? Do you know where you are?

Do you know what day of the week it is? Which we never know. If it weren't for Thanksgiving and football, and I don't even watch football anymore. Thanksgiving only because the bar was closed at the hotel. Kelly, jump over here. Have a seat. No, no, let her sit there.

We're just doing a quick update of what's going on now. Do you know anything that happened with the doctors today? We're just saying that she can walk, she can talk. Don't know how good her memory is on a lot of things. She called me Gino a couple days ago. She called Chad Carlos. She gets confused. That was early. That was early.

She didn't get confused about who I was after that time at all. Yeah, but that was after the last podcast, which is what we're just recapping. So, she definitely doesn't want this feeding tube in. She wants it taken out, but

we can't take it out because that's where she's getting all of her meds and her hydration. Food. They have to plunge it all down with a big syringe into her. They took the IV out to central. Everything goes through that now. Oh, and by the way, the feeding tube goes through the nose into the stomach.

And then it just dangles for about six or eight inches. We have it clipped up into her hair. Now it's a foot. It's a longer feeding tube, the new one today. Oh, Jesus. So it's dangling. You have to loop it in her hair a few times. And I think they only did the IV yesterday temporarily to get

her something. No, they didn't have to. Oh, they didn't? Okay. And actually the feeding tube is only for fluids right now. They rarely put any medication in it now. So it's just fluids. And food. No, no food. No food. She's eating enough in the daytime. We're checking her calories and what she's eating. She hasn't had feeding at nighttime. And that's the criteria to get her out of the feeding tube. Well,

I don't know. There's an issue with the hydration, but also just with the swallowing. So even if we can get ice chips and Jell-O in her and get hydration another way, I think they're still worried about the swallowing in case something happened. I use club soda with my vodka for the hydration. That works too. By the way, if you didn't want to listen to a whole podcast, fuck you.

Well, this is the update. There's two issues here. I don't know what doctors are doing what. There's the brain, which I don't even think they're even worried about yet. This is about getting her to breathe. Where's the basics? Yeah, get off the feeding tube, get the trach hopefully out. Yeah.

Yeah, rehab's not happening yet. There's like some – Physical therapy. Well, yeah, it's motor skills. Yeah. But rehab is going to be – hopefully not, but like learning how to do things that she used to be able to do. Well, physical therapy. But we don't know yet.

Yeah. Like this morning, when we were leaving, they had the lady in there that was, you know, okay, here's, it's children shit. Here's 15 pictures. What's this? A washing machine? Oh, she got 13 out of 15. She was very proud of Bingo. Bingo couldn't recognize a drawing of a rug and a dresser she didn't get. And she said, but she did get a floppy disk.

And I'm like, really? And she goes, the only two she couldn't get. I go, maybe they were just shitty pictures. And maybe you asked such stupid questions she's just embarrassed to answer she's so irritated that you're talking to her like a child like what color is this honey like her brain's there she's just really fucking pissed off because her brain's coming back well and also on a day-to-day basis her head fucks with her more than other people know, and she has to control that.

All right, we'll get into it. And now she doesn't have the ability to control that. That's a whole other... Psychotic episodes. Yeah. We'll get into that. Okay. Okay.

I don't know what other questions people would have. That would be the update, I guess. Yeah, that's the update. We have no timeline, do we, Kelly, that we know of? Oh, no. No. We're just taking it day by day. Yeah, that's the update. We have no timeline, do we, Kelly, that we know of? Oh, no. No. We're just taking it day by day. Yeah.

No timeline. We got a week here at the Airbnb. Yeah, we got a week left here, and then we'll see who's- That's a timeline? Yeah. That's the only timeline we have. Which is nice. There's a calendar on the table of when people are coming from out of town to help out.

That's beautiful, man. Yeah, I got to get off night shift. I can't handle this anymore. You won't be able to do day shift, though. You got to stay on night shift. Day shift is people in and out of there all day long. Oh, that's the thing we didn't talk about. It's like how Doug comes.

I was editing a podcast last night, and I'm in the waiting room by the aquarium where all the fish are asleep. And, like, everyone's asleep. No one's up. The three or four people that are on staff are happy to get us coffee because there was no coffee out. And you're like, this is awesome. There's no one here. And it's all brain trauma, so no one's talking anyway. It is the most silent.

I even went outside to smoke i did a three minute periscope of just how deadly quiet it was last night all right i guess yeah i guess we're going into the podcast now that's the update so we're going into let's talk about some shit. Kelly, is there any other updates from today? She just hates that new feeding tube. What about the gum, though? Has she given up that? Well, I was only there for like two and a half hours at lunchtime. She never said anything about the gum because she was so pissed off with the feeding tube.

I mean, it was like a child. It was non-stop. You had to have your eyes on her every second. History of the gum is? Well, this morning was the best we've ever seen her. And

last night was great. We got there for night shift around 8.30. And she Kelly, by the way, I'm here with Chad Shank and Great. Yeah. We got there for night shift around 830. And she had Kelly. By the way, I'm here with Chad Shank and his wife, Jenny Chaley, his wife, Mrs. Chaley, Tracy Chaley. Bartender Tracy.

And bingo sister Kelly from one of my favorite podcasts of all time. Very early on the pillow pillow talk podcast. My first podcast. Oh, that was your foot yes uh audio is not so great because we had to whisper because we were in a thin-walled no-till motel but that was yeah one of the best podcasts ever uh jesus are we gonna i guess we have to do what we're talking about and then move backwards through time. Yeah, I don't know which way you want to go. Last night, you guys had combed out her hair,

put a flower in it. She's all dressed up. She's wearing street clothes now in this new facility. Not the backless Johnny. She knows how to you know yeah i think we have to go back to but but it is a two-bed room that there's only her in there and there's a shower and a bathroom and everything i mean there's enough of a facility there where everything can happen right there and you guys can kick back a little

bit you don't sleep i know that but there it's a little bit more comfortable than if there was someone going nice all right then let's go back to just let's go back to the beginning of night shift that's what i was gonna say i know the time is an objective thing at this point but if we try to go backwards we're gonna fucking all be confused. It starts with night shift. I started on Sunday. I've had a couple of strong benders on this, where

you just... Quit looking at me. For a while, it will get to you and you. I don't even know what that meant. He looked at me and said, and you. I don't know.

I'm afraid I'm going to find out. For all of the levity we put into this and trying to make fun, there is a... Oh, yeah. If you... Go ahead, whisper. it doesn't matter whisper more quietly than the coyotes have been howling and you'll be fine been a couple of strong benders two that i know of uh that uh where you go all right i'm falling apart fuck this we're drinking hard the first one was at that bar called Dirtbags.

It was right across from the hotel when we were at the other hospital. And I was tits up. I was, I remember I was going to start a goddamn comedy night there just so I could do comedy because it had this outdoor smoking patio. Same night as the night we did the last podcast. Yes. It was later that night. Carried it on.

Oh, my God. Yeah. And the next day I woke up with contrition. And I sobered up and I started talking shit. We have this app thing where all the inside circle can talk to one another. Like, who can cover what shift? How's she doing now? Hey, I'm flying back on the 5th, this and that.

And I said, listen, if you can get me out of tonight, I'll come in tomorrow morning on Sunday. I said I drove 34 hours once from Madison, Wisconsin to Bisbee, Arizona without sleep. I can do that in a hospital room. You guys take Sunday off. Get your shit done because Kelly and mom have just been, oh, was it Brooke at that point? Brooke. Yeah, it was Brooke. Yeah, it was Brooke.

Yeah, it was Brooke. And Kate Clabby. They were doing the night shifts, and I go, I can do the full thing. Everyone just take the day off. I'll be there the whole time. I got there at noon. I made it till about, I think, 7 the next morning

when I finally tapped out, and I called someone like, alright, I'm done. But then I'm doing night shift every night. That must have been the night at about 2 in the morning when you texted me and said, come up

and do a night shift with me tonight. Yeah, that means... Yeah, it was 1.28 in the morning. I woke up Monday morning. I was like, I got to go tonight to Tucson. Did you mean Tuesday? Was I supposed to be there yesterday?

Yeah, yeah. Well, Jenny was on night shift for years at the hospital, so I know when somebody's working night shift, you can't use subjective terms like today or tomorrow or anything like that that doesn't mean anything anymore so well at that point bingo had just been trached but it was with the apparatus on it so she could only mouth words so if it started with an m you'd get i know you said something that starts with an M, but I have no idea what you're saying.

Can you point? She's delirious. She's in and out of consciousness, but always poking and fiddling and pulling at tubes. So, yeah, we started the night shift. And I think it seemed like it went day in, day out, where... Ah, fuck, I don't know. Well, I got here, you did, yeah, because you went overnight by yourself that Sunday night.

Yeah. And then I got here Monday afternoon. Did you sleep Monday during the day? Slept a bit. Yeah, I never did what you did. You did the two nights where you did one. We were doing 12-hour shifts. Well, we did.

We were doing nine-to-nines. Yeah, we did all Monday night. Unless we panic and call Kelly at 7 and go, I can't take it anymore. I'm losing patience. I'm going to punch her in the face. Yeah, I did. I got a couple six-a-clock calls. and patience. I'm going to punch her in the face.

Yeah, I did. I got a couple six of glove balls. But we went, yeah, Monday night and then Monday morning when we left, we went back to go to sleep. And this is when we're at the hospital and that ICU trauma unit where you have to, because she

has this C. diff bacteria so you have to put on smocks and rubber gloves. Every time you go in or out of the room, you have to strip down and then put on new ones when you come back in, and you can't touch stuff. But we have our own bar in there. We have our sneaky bar with our travel mugs and going down to the cafeteria to get ice. We never get hammered or anything, but it was maintenance drinking.

Right, yeah, medicinal, definitely. cafeteria to get ice we never get hammered or anything but it was maintenance drinking right yeah medicinal definitely sometimes just to take the spin off the adderall well it was great about having all of those precautions well i was nervous because i didn't know what to expect because like i said jenny works at the hospital so she has hospital smocks didn't fit you so well you look like the butcher butcher of Black Knob. Yeah, like that fucking yellow Kool-Aid man. But I was nervous about it because I was like, all right, I've got to make sure I understand all of these rules. And then I get there, and there's not any rules. Stanhope is eating sushi in the room in his garb with his gloves on.

Rubber gloves and buy smock on. You're supposed to take your rubber gloves and your smock off and throw them in the trash at the door and then leave the room and wash up. Yeah, the biohazard bag. Yeah, the biohazard bag, and then go wash up. But at the same time, Bingo wanted to go for walks, so we could take the whole patient zero outside. We can't go outside with our gloves and our little yellow suit on,

which we did anyway when we took her out. So we took our suits and the patient out of the room and just walked around the entire place. None of it fucking makes any sense at all. I was eating fucking cafeteria sushi off the top of a biohazard wastebasket. sushi off the top of that biohazard waste basket i don't know which was more dangerous the sushi or the c diff virus uh at one point and then we'd forget you know we do 12 hours everyone would forget you'd come back in. I'd go for cigarette breaks. And after nine hours, you're so daffy and delirious. I came in once.

That's back when she was shitting and pissing. They had a, what do you, Jenny, what do you call the thing, the chuck? The chucks. The chucks. It's like a giant. It's a huge peri pad. Yeah. Puppy pad.

Yeah, so she's pissing and shitting in that. If she does piss in a toilet, you go, oh, it was a great day. And then our whole app blows up with everyone and emojis and stuff. Oh, that sounds like she's making great progress. I wiped an ass for my first time. She's just shitting lava slowly. She's on her side because she's

not getting bed-sourced, but her ass is tired from a fucking week. She still has no idea how long she's been in there. We're not telling her. So she's on her side and just this slow moving pile of lava is coming out

of her ass she's been only eating that bag of fucking soylent green that they have attached to her nose so that's what it's coming out as and i'm just are you done pooping and she shakes her head no it's more poop and i'm trying to like, obviously the weight of her body in the middle of the bed makes the chuck bend down. So the shit is rolling towards her. So I try to move her away, but then the shit still rolls. Again, I'm not Chad Shank. I don't have the strength to lift her. I'm pressing the panic button and more shit's coming out.

In more ways than one, he's pressing the panic button. I'm wiping off the top cheek that had touched it, but there's more shit, so I stop wiping. The guy finally comes in, and he's helping me roll it up like there's a they have a they have a system you know he's does this every night the orderly and uh so you live push her this way and i'll clean this and i'll roll it towards her and then we'll he sneaks the new chuck underneath and so i'm watching the system, and I didn't even care about wiping an ass. It didn't bother me at all.

Everything else is so fucked up shit. I'm not even thinking, oh, that's where the bad bacteria is. Maybe I should have gloved up. Yeah. So then she gets a little better to where she's actually getting up and can go to the bathroom by herself a little more alert and that's when we're working night shift and she she tells us she has to pee and i go do you want to get up? And she goes, no, no, I'm peeing. This is when she can talk a few days later.

And I'm peeing and I look down and she's legs splayed. And I grab the chuck just in time so I can pull it up in front of her vagina because it's going to spray straight out. And I get the block back. Oh, like a backstop. Yeah, so it's not hitting the bed. It's just hitting the chuck and pooling up. And then the orderly comes in, and now I know the drill. I feel, yeah, we kind of felt like we were kind of professionals at the end of this.

So he gets her up. I start rolling it in in that was a chick that time yeah and i start rolling the pad while bingo now she's she can get up she's right up on my side held on to me jumped up i start rolling the thing the girl says uh the lady rn whatever she was she goes did any of it get on the bed and i go go, I patted down the regular sheet, and I said, no, it seems dry. And Chad said, no, a little bit, get on there. Well, she was already up, so we might as well change the whole thing. Yeah, you're like, fuck that.

It's her job. Yeah, no, there's a little bit on there. Like, change those fucking sheets. Doug's like, we don't need any towel service at the hotels. No, we're fine. So I'm patting it down going, I think it's dry. And the lady looks down at me and she goes, don't wipe that up with your bare hands. And I realized I'd just come back from a cigarette.

I didn't bother with the smock and the rubber gloves. I forgot. I figured it was like soaking into his hoodie oh like the sleeve we're fine i didn't see any at one point when she was finally up and and walking and could kind of communicate and we were dancing slow dancing and we'd have like late night you know dance parties and playing stuff on youtube music and uh and she said kiss me, kiss me. She's leaning in with the tube hanging out of her nose

and the blowhole is fresh and I'm sitting there in rubber gloves and we're still worried about this super bacteria fucking We were super worried about it.

Kills 29,000 people, and she's got her open mouth towards my face, and I'm like, all right, C. diff or what? Break her heart? Fuck it. Let's go in for the kiss. I figured you'd kiss the trach. Well, there's a few times I'd kiss around,

and I'd kiss her forehead, but this time she was... Oh, cocktail? Sorry. That's it. So, yeah. None of us have gotten the virus. We actually were worried that we did have it after the first date because when we compared notes later,

we both had solid shits after night shift which is unusual for both of us and I was like hey wait a minute something's weird I said maybe the C diff is like Ritalin on a hyperactive child where normally I have watery diarrhea shits and now it's working against

the opposite effect wow that's scary either way at this point. What did a doctor say? I never talked to a doctor. So, the next I don't know what night it was

where you came back up. Well, the first night when we were here, the first night I was here was the morning you had to leave in the morning to go meet up with Shaylee to do radio. Tuesday morning. Tuesday morning, you had to go do radio spots. Yeah, that was a bad idea. We drank all night. That was a bad idea. We drank all night.

Well, the No Place Like Home, the special that went out on CISO, is now out on iTunes and... Google Play, Amazon, and... Spotify? Spotify. And you can get a signed copy at DougStanhope.com. Yeah, hard copies are available at the website. So I'm supposed to go promote this fucking thing. And I'm just coming out of that's Tuesday. So I did 19 hours from Sunday afternoon till Monday.

Then we do 12 hours Monday night to Tuesday where I have to go immediately into a radio junket and a radio junket works where you just get on your phone and you have some chump fucking dunce from a pr whatever are you talking about sophia yeah sophia the fucking rat oh really yeah that thing i left that's her fucking email all right fucking rat cunt She was really nice at first Rat cunts are always nice at first But I was really drunk the whole time And I laughed halfway through Oh he was

Let's focus on Sophia Don't get distracted So I'm in a state Where The family has been very positive Through this and all the people on the family has been very positive through this, and all the people on the app have been very positive. Oh, she blinked her eyes.

Sounds like she bingos back. My wife might be a fucking half-vegetable with a fucking blowhole for the rest of her life in a wheelchair. I don't know. And after 12 hours through the night, it's not like, you know, it's just you and I. It's not like we're communicating. We're not having doctor conversations. It's night shift.

Beep, beep, beep. I got a good story about that. Do you remember? Because we learned how to, if it says patient side occluded, I learned that you can hit restart on the IV thing if it's beeping. The monitoring device. Because nobody comes and checks it. This was in the ICU when we were there.

You can beep. Other people's would beep all night long. Nobody looks at it at all. Hey, wake up, America. I don't know what the purpose of the beeping is. It apparently doesn't mean you're dying of anything. And it reads what you just said. Patient side occluded.

You could hit restart, and it would stop the beeping. But one time we were sitting there, and it said, air in line. And I was like, oh, I don't know what that means. Sounds serious. Sounds like train spotting. Like, I know junkies. That's exactly what I thought of. I was like, that doesn't, I don't want to hit restart and be like, why did Bingo die?

And I'm like, oh, because I just pushed that air through. Was that wrong? So we called the chick to come and look at it, but it takes them forever to come look at it because they're busy not looking at other beeping shit. And Bingo started to get fucking agitated as shit at the beeping, and she's telling me to make it stop, and I'm telling her, okay, well, we will, but it's going. And the more and more agitated she gets, I'm like,

I don't know what the fuck to do. So pretty soon it's beeping, and I just start going, Once I ran to you, now I run from you. And Stan Hope, this tainted love you give me. And she's dancing while it's beeping. I was just trying to fucking calm her down until we could get somebody to look at it. I just come back from a singer

and he goes, yeah, this won't stop, but I'm trying to sing Tainted Love to the beat of this. So good. God damn it. We had a lot of fun on night shift. We walked out of there several mornings feeling

like we just got done work, like we should have punched out. We're saying goodbye to nurses. We've been there so fucking long that we know nurses. Aside from having cocktails all night. Well. But that morning with the radio junket, I'm spent. Tuesday morning.

Nothing matters. I've had a few points. Well, you went there. You had to be there at 5.30. I have to be there and do this at 5.30. I had to leave at 5.30 to be there at 6 a.m. Right. Not leave, just to be ready.

Yeah. Because you were doing it in the car. Well, I'm sharing a room with the Chaley's at the hotel. There's no place because I get to yell and stuff or at least raise my voice. Hour and a half, two hours? I can't do a radio junket. Hey, Doug Stanhope's on the air with us right now.

Hey, you get a new project you want to talk to us about? What are you promoting today? I have a new special. People are sleeping. Hold on. Kick like you kick. Let me get into the toilet so I can talk a little louder. Then the fan goes on.

So I don't even fucking, I shouldn't have even done it, but I figured, you know what, I don't have an open mic. Let's burn some terrestrial radio bridges with all my fucking built-up hate and fear and sadness. So I go, I'll just do it out of the fucking van. And so I sit in the fucking car in the back parking lot of the hotel. I may get there early enough to make cocktails. The radio junket goes where, so the flunky, in this case, Sophia, you fucking cunt rat,

she works for whatever radio, and they punch you through. Okay, you're going to do, it's 10 minutes at a time. Okay, now I'm going to put you through to Green Bay, and you're going to do fucking AM sports radio for 10 minutes. I have no idea who you are, and you'll never sell a thing, and no one listens to it. And you'll do 10 minutes there. Okay, you're done. Now we're going to go to Minneapolis where fucking Dave Mordahl is going to.

Oh, anyway, that fucking cunt. I get a lot of hate. Yeah, fuck that guy. What? Okay, sidebar that. Finish with the radio junket. So I have to do like 10 of these stations in a row. So it's an hour and a half.

I have to sit in a Suburban. I got my cocktails ready. I'm burnt. I'm beat. I'm soul bare. And at 6.02, I'm soul bear and at 6.02 I'm looking at the dashboard clock I'm smoking cigarettes

I go 6.02 they haven't called yet fuck the whole tour I'm thinking in my head and then I start thinking oh shit daylight savings time we had just or you, the rest of the country Daylight Savings Time. We had just, or you, the rest of the country had just done Daylight Savings Time,

but they don't do it in Arizona. So, yeah, I've been preoccupied over the weeks. I forget, oh, wait, it's 9 a.m. Eastern is now 7 a.m., so I'm all geared up, running from the hospital, get all my shit together. Chaley's drunk as shit. Now I'm going to sit here with you, and I'm going to help you,

and I'm going to talk you through this. Come on. I know, you're trying your best. I did not try to say help. Point being, I wanted to sit there in misery with you. So now I have to wait an hour. I lose steam. All the sadness and depression are there, but all the angst that would.

So at 7 we start, and I'm in the Suburban. Now the sun's coming up in our eyes, and I just start poorly. And I tell this Sophie girl that has to punch me through, do you have to listen to all these? And she goes, yep. So I go, I'll try to, like, this is not going to be good, but I'll try to change them up for you. I'm playing to this girl.

You're playing to the person that goes to your show three nights in a row, and they sit in the front. You're like, motherfucker. Yeah. You got to make it different. You have to do other material rather than the stuff the audience would like. Anyway, so I'm just, I'm not promoting this fucking album. None of your, anyone who's sitting, actually listening to terrestrial radio still,

they're not going to want to hear any of this. My fucking wife's in a coma. She's just going... You think I give a shit about selling product? I'm worried about my... Is my girlfriend going to be more retarded than she used to be?

I'm just... I do remember you talking about that. Those were... That came up. At one point, Chaley's... I tell him some stuff. Hey, remind me. I hit this beat. She still doesn't know that Trump is president,

and she still doesn't. I had some funny stuff about that, how we can't wait until she's coherent enough that we can get a videotape of when we finally tell her Trump is president. And just to see the look on her face when we're out, you're fucking with me. No, no, we're not. But you'd like, so I'd say for instance, hey, Chaley, write down Trump on one of the Post-Its between stations. Put that down because I forget to do the Trump thing. And he has these Post-Its, but they won't stick on the dashboard, so they keep falling.

And it was like Commonwealth Money Management or something. It was some— Someone sent us a bunch of stuff to the Funhouse, and that was one of them. It was ad specs specs advertising specialties post-it notes with their company name so one one of the radio stations all i did was trash commonwealth money management for having shitty post-it notes i was just going on tilt i didn't promote anything uh some of them i was just being an asshole. Then I'd forget, and I'd start swearing, and then they'd go, wait, wait, wait.

You're going to hit the five-second delay on that? Really? These radio stations still exist? I don't know. The best is when you would say something about your girlfriend being in a coma, and they just,

what? And then you bust them on this is, do you even know me? This is Wikipedia knowledge. Oh, well that one, hang on I'm building up to that one. There were two of them that... I made it for three and then I left.

Two of the ten stations said hey, we were looking at your Twitter feed you wrote down uh hey i'm gonna have to quit drinking for a couple of days had a long night gonna quit drinking for a couple days how's that working out for you well if you looked at my twitter feed you'd also know that my wife was in a fucking coma because there's lots of my wife is in a coma jokes, but you focused on the how's that quitting drinking

working out for you? And I'd go, well, yeah, because I had to because I've been working, I've been doing night shift while my wife is in a coma. And then you let it hang and then they go, and then I'd just go into some details and they go you're not kidding are you they lose their radio voice nope not kidding and then just just unleash all my fucking angst and awfulness oh my my God, I just remembered something. The last one.

Oh yeah, no, I'm building up to the last one. But I have been repressing so many memories from those like 36 hours that stuff, it took me 24 hours just to start feeling guilty about things that I thought happened. And then now I just fucking remembered your last one. And that was Tuesday at 10 in the morning i just got that memory back i can't wait to hear the actual details because in my head

they're different well some of them were you know some stations were friends uh so they let me roll. Then I'm overtime. So the next station, there's one. I'm already overtime, and now I'm sitting there listening to Aerosmith. Okay, and I have to hear a half an Aerosmith song before I'm on going, now we're late for the next one. I'm just blaster that. There was Dave Mordahl at some Minneapolis station where Dave Mordahl does call-ins. He's like, he's the Jim Norton of the thing or what Norton used to be for O&A when O&A were O&A. He does color commentary from home.

So not only is there this delay, when you do phoners, they suck shit anyway. And I refuse to do them unless it's contractually obligated with the record company so I have to do these but there's a delay so it's not like this where I can see you and you're about to talk and you wave and go oh I get a story and there's no cohesiveness and a lot of so you'll say something and a lot of times you can hear it kind of repeat in a quick echo, and then they start talking, and you talk back, but you're overlapping. And then they have Dave Mordahl on this other line with a delay.

So it's a three-way. You've got a three-way conversation going on, and no one is looking at each other. Yeah, so that one I said, hey, why don't you guys just not talk? I'm just going to talk to Dave Mordahl. I'll tell you exactly what's going on with my life. And I just throw down this whole gauntlet of all the shit that's happened in the last two weeks of I don't know what's going on. And this is fucked. And they might have to carve a blowhole in her neck.

And God knows if she can ever speak again. Whatever. And then it just went south. And, like, then they're kind of shitting on me like you're the guys with the fucked up connection because you have some guy that's 300 miles away as your fucking sidekick so now none of this works and you're talking to me like i'm a dick go fuck yourself none of you are funny enough that got to import a guy who can't drive in? From fucking Thief River Falls, wherever he lives. Anyway, so the last station now I've spent.

And now I've had an hour and a half of bourbon Cokes. And I'm back in the car because I left. Oh, that's right. You left me. And you said, I'll be right back. I have to piss. There was no way I was coming back. So I'm waiting for you.

Because I don't have a key to get into the room. Speaking of pissing. Finish this. Finish this. I know. I really have to piss. All right. Hang on.

In the middle of this story, you're going to fucking leave? It won't interrupt anything. Tell him, why did you leave me? No, I'm not. I'm not. We'll take a break. We'll take'm not. We'll take a break. We'll take a break. Hey, faggots, listen.

We have merch. We have a donation button. And I don't like to ask you to do that, but we just got some fucking numbers where we could actually do some advertising. And I don't want to do it. But Chaley could actually make really good money if I start doing advertising.

I'd rather you buy some merch or donate when I say that. Because I hate to be the guy that says, you know what? Yeah, no, I'm going to turn down that money. I would not even take. That would be for chaley we just get drunk and talking to microphones this is not like this is a lot of out of my day but we got to keep fucking chaley in business uh so yeah yeah buy merch or else stamps.

what and now back to the podcast, as I'm saying. Mm-hmm. I like biscuits and mustard. I also like the Doug Stanhope podcast. You were going into it. All right, sorry, the pee break. Yeah, at some point you left me and said,

I'm going to piss, I'll be right back. From the radio junket. Yeah, and you have the key. So then I have to piss. So I'm doing this by cell phone. But I don't have a key. And then I did find a key. And finally, it's the second to last show. It's Fresno.

I go, all right. And we're going straight into them because we're already behind. So I'm running between stations. I run into the hotel. I did find a key and i i'm like hey fresno sorry uh someone had to be here while i was pissing because i'm pissing in the in the in the toilet rather than the urinal just for a sound effect while you're on the radio? When I hold a piss, it's legendarily long. My bladder has some Guinness Book strength. You will yawn during his urination in the morning.

I'm peeing, and I told him, hey, I'm sorry, but I'm peeing through this. So I go, someone had to be, i've been doing an hour and a half radio junket drinking bourbon and cokes i'm gonna have to pee and you're a market that i will never do well in that's right fresno you ever played fresno that's where like gabriel inglesias will pack out a fucking rodeo or yeah the fluffy guy or something he's nice guy, I'm sure. But yeah, it's not a market I care about. So I just did this extended piss during this interview. Now I'm really falling apart.

I go into the last interview and I'm spent and it's L.A. Back in the car. L.A. radio is actually the worst radio in that people in la should not be listening to radio if you live in fresno or wilkes-barre pa and maybe you maybe even actually call that guy for a long distance dedication still i don't know how it works but but if you're in L.A. and you're listening to terrestrial radio, yeah, you're not coming to my shows. You're homeless. Yeah, you're housekeeping. With headphones that aren't plugged in.

It's like if you lived in L.A. and you had to get one of those boxes when antennas were no longer going to work to get your channel 3, 4, 11, and UHF. So now I'm kind of like this. I'm punchy like this. And they go, hey, I'm sorry. I'm glad to have you on. I know you only have a limited amount of time. And I sat back, slumped in my passenger seat with my last drink and i go oh no i get all the time in the world you're the last station i'm gonna unleash everything

on you i'll do ours and at first they're kind of like oh that's great you can stay as long as you want you did say what i this is the last one. We can go forever. You made that claim. It's like, we'll go on as long as you want because I'm not hanging up, basically. I'm not done talking. And they seemed happy at the thought at first. And then the guy talked. It's one of those guy and girls.

That's right. That's right. You know, I think it's 100.3. And if you're old enough, you can kind of tell guy and girls. That's right. That's right. You know, I think it's 100.3. And if you're old enough, you can kind of tell by the number. Like Kiss? It's a light FM kind of shit, I'm assuming. If it's 97 or 93, it's probably Rock. Or 107 is Rock.

But if it's 90. If it's in between those two, it's adult contemporary or it's smooth jazz. If it's 88, it's NPR or some weird religious shit. So I don't know what it is at the time. It wasn't until it went poorly, but the guy talked and he goes, you know what, we're big fans of you. And I said, you don't know anything about me

that you didn't read on a Wikipedia page. And the guy says, oh, you might be wrong on that. I know that you like to go to Aspen a lot. I used to live in Aspen. I go, the Aspen Comedy Festival has not been in existence for 17 years, and I was at two of them, and it's on my Wikipedia page, and that's the only way you'd know it. So we get off on the wrong foot.

When he proved you right. Yeah. Okay. So then she tries to make it right, and then I'm going off, and we heard about bingo. It turns out she had followed me on Twitter. Gina Grad was her ass. The co-host.

The co-host knew more. Yeah, but that guy. He just wanted to relate the Aspen thing. Yeah, so I wish I had a tape of it. You planned that out for hours. We're buddies. Yeah, I wish. If anyone has tape of that, which no one does, they don't even.

Oh, we can't afford tape. They cut that out of our budget. We have to. We just we can't even call ourselves FM anymore. We can't afford. We just go with M. Do you much at a cost? Yeah.

So and then she tried to make it good at some point. And then I go, let's just talk without that dude. I just dismissed him from the conversation. Let's just talk without that dude. And then he compared me to Bill Hicks to get back in. Oh, fuck, that's right. And I just. Wait, he did that as an attempt to get back in your good graces?

Yeah. That's hilarious. right and and i just wait he did that as an attempt to get back in your good graces you're like uh yeah you're like uh the bill because this is the comedy we expect from you because you're like the bill hicks and now it's just hit a button so wrong and i know fuck bill hicks i didn't use bad language but i'm like bill hicks what andy and and Gina in the morning, 100.3. Yeah. That's it. Yeah. The sound.

100.3, the sound. Yeah, this is why you were checked out of the Suburban, right? When I get ramped up. I would get on the, I'm on the radio, and the postage that did stick on the dashboard, I'd be talking, and he'd start pointing at one, where I'm in a loop, like, of what's going on in my life, and then he starts pointing at a thing and distracts me completely, so he says, I'm like Bill Hicks, and I'm like, fuck Bill Hicks, that guy has, you know, he never said a single thing about his personal self, he never gave you a, he

had a lot of opinions that might have if he if he didn't die he had enough opinions that might have got him on to air america with his own show but it's nothing personal or i said i'm the goatee guy of comedy i i show you everything i empty my fucking balls you can see up my ass. What did that guy had? He died a... He's 32 anyway. What did he even know? Did he have a girlfriend?

He had nothing in his act. He got cancer and he kept that secret. He didn't even do bits about the cancer he died from. How dare you call me Bill Hicks. I'm sitting here trying to work out my wife's in a coma jokes while she's in a coma. On the air, you fucking call me Bill Hicks. And then as I'm ending this tirade, I realize I'm talking over them, speed talking me off the air.

At the end of that, they're going, well, so Doug Stanoff's new special is available as I'm still talking. And I realize you're going to bum rush me off the air. They potted you down. You weren't even on at that point. There's no way. And I yelled trying to get it in before they could get me off the air.

I go, eat a pie, faggots. That's right. You know when you're trying to yell something really quick at someone that's speeding through your neighborhood and you go, hey, fuck, clown, eat shit, fuck. You get nothing. I'm totally stealing eat pie, faggots, because I'll go to racist stuff,

and I'm not really racist. I'm just trying to say something mean, but eat pie, faggots. Eat a pie, faggots. No, that's directed towards morning radio. Give me that. Host and co-host. That's fantastic.

This is a portion of the email that Sophie the rat ran the junk in. What? Oh, that's why she's a rat. So she sent an email to the Comedy Dynamics that put out my new special, No Place Like Home is now out on audio. The full DVD will be available early February, I think. February 17th. All right.

But right now you can get the audio CD at DougStanley.com signed. Signed. Or you can get it on Amazon Audio or streaming. Maybe as well as signed, like we did with Baby Arm Chill, we could get the ink pad and go to the hospital and get Bingo's thumbprint on all of them. Oh, yeah. She can't really write well yet.

$10 extra for C-Diff CDs. C-Diff CDs. Only touch this disc with gloved hands. That's what CD stands for. What are you going to read there, Doug? This is what Sophie wrote to Comedy Dynamics

that they forwarded to Brian Hennigan. Sophie, who was in charge of managing the entire junket. No. She was like the old phone operators where she took the... Pittsburgh 199. Go ahead.

Lily Tomlin. Yes, that's what I was looking for. She wrote, that was an interesting hour. Some stations went a little long because he wouldn't stop rambling. Then other stations cut him short because he was being rude. He was cussing during KLXPX interview. He peed while on the phone with KKBZ. And during the very last interview with KSWD,

he was yelling at them because they didn't, quote, didn't know anything about him other than Wikipedia, which you shouldn't put in quotes. I wouldn't have said, you don't know anything about him. Alright, so you don't even know how to... She's a dumb rat. Because they didn't know anything about him other than Wikipedia

and they cut it short and he said buy faggots. No, I said eat a pie faggot. That's a problem. Chinese telephone. When you say something really, really worth retelling, no one ever gets it fucking right out. But you know what?

Three parts during that story, I realized that that happened in front of me while you were telling it, just now. Yeah, okay, we'll get to that. I'm saying, you're filling in a lot of stuff That's made me really nervous Well, during this time Was when I was still with Bingo Because you were like, I'm gonna be gone

I'm gonna leave and go You'd be alright by yourself But luckily, you guys Drunkenly somehow sent Jenny over there Via cab or some sort of Fucking weird thing. Check this out. We need to get Jenny over to the hospital because he's going to be super early.

Let me back up. That night, we're doing graveyard. We're doing 9 to 9. Jenny comes in 9 to 1, but she has to work the next day. So you go get back to the hotel and get some sleep. But Jenny just sat with them and stayed up all night,

came back out when I was showing up, put her in a cab. Well, we got to get a cab, right? So we go out there, I'm like, do we get an Uber, do we get a cab? Two cabs pull up. Right in front of the fucking thing,

out of the blue at like... It's not out of the blue. It's 5.30 in the morning. People leave hotels early to go to work. But they call a hotel. We're not near the airport. I go to the first cab and I say, hey, are you here for someone? Yeah, we're here for someone.

Go to the next one. He's like, no, I'm not here for anyone. I'm like, what? Just showing off. It just worked out really well. It was one of those weird things. I didn't know a cab company in this town. And then he was incredibly disappointed when he got a fare that was 100 yards away from the hotel.

I overchipped him because I knew how far it was. Well, Jenny, she did the first four hours. She walked in there. Jenny's a nurse. She does this shit anyway. And I forget until she walks over. She doesn't ask about C. diff. She just starts smocking up and rubber gloving.

She'd never been there. She goes in. She's dealing with bingo, helping her maneuver, getting her up and out of bed, and the tubes and wires. And meanwhile, you're trying to figure out if your rubber gloves are lefty or righty. Well, I was still confused because I was like, I wanted to bring my iPad to read books if she was sleeping because I didn't know what to expect at all.

So I'm like, well, I can read books on my iPad while I'm waiting. But I'm like, oh, wait, if I bring my iPad in there, it's going to get contaminated. I can't, you know, I can't do that. And then I didn't realize that we were ignoring all of those rules at that point, because Stan Hope was like, let me get your backpack and your jacket. And then he takes my stuff and walked right into the room and put it in the back of the room without gloving it and then just walk back out.

And then we glove and gown up like it now means something. Well, because we're going to touch her was the thing. But at first, when they explained this to me, I'm thinking it's like the hot zone. Like, there's a hole in my suit. That's how I was. I was over paranoid. I had no idea what to expect. Jenny knew what was up.

I should have asked Jenny, but I didn't know. I was like, okay. I'm suicidal. I don't give a fuck if I get C-diff. The thing is, I was there right when it happened, and then that night, you guys are talking about, there was a big span

of when I was actually there, because I'm more of a behind-the-scenes guy. I'm running around, and when I got there, I was shocked with the protocol to walk in the room. Because I was doing it. I'm like, am I tying these knots right? Is this tight enough on you?

What are we? Sorry. Oh, you're just fucking gagging me out, man. I get the same thoughts. That's all you. That's a night shift. I get the same thoughts. That's all you. That's a night shift.

When they first told me, I'm over paranoid, but they hadn't explained it to me correctly or dumb enough where I thought that she had something where we could give her something. We're suiting up because her immune system was low. And I think that's part of it. Right. Okay, well, so that was the first day, and I leaned in and she's restrained at that point because she was too delirious to not pull the tubes out of her nose.

So she has restraints on the side of the beds with her wrists. So I leaned in so she could touch my face with the back of her hand, and then I ran. I'm like, oh, shit. She touched my face, and so I'm walking out with my C. diff gloves and outfit running down the hall going, oh, shit. Touch me. She touched me. Yeah, she touched me.

And they go, oh, well, just go take this off and then go just wash your face. And I'm still not catching on. With what? Acid? Well, because when I'm dumb, I'm really dumb. So they go, just wash your face like if you want her to touch it.

That's what I'm thinking. So I go back. I still don't know that I'm not... At some point it occurred to me, oh, this is not about her at all. This is about me. I'm supposed to be protecting myself from her.

I thought she touched my face and now she's going to break out in some boilie rash and die. I was worried that if you want no bacteria in the room, I'm the last guy you call. Yeah, yeah. That jacket would have

to be checked at the door. Yeah, I'm fucking typhoid Mary if I'm coming in there. They're going to blame me. I was already fighting off a cold. So Tuesday afternoon. We're still on. Yeah, we're going to radio.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Tuesday morning. We're done with radio. Jenny comes over, helps me with bingo. Kelly comes over and leaves me. I come back over and meet up with you guys. Decide to stay. Jenny goes. Jenny goes home, and I decide to stay back over and meet up with you guys. Decide to stay. Jenny goes.

Jenny goes home, and I decide to stay to pull another night shift with you, and we're going to go and go to bed. And I only remember any of this because I just looked back at my phone, and I saw a picture of me from up in our room on the fifth floor looking down and seeing everyone but me down there so i assumed i took the picture okay that's that's where we're gonna speed this up because we're gonna have to do early night shift what yeah who yeah well some of us whoever get well you guys you guys can say chad and jenny and i don't know which't know how much of the story we want to tell.

All right, it starts with this. The drinking is going to continue after that. The bar at the Aloft Hotel props to you for having me as a family. Clay and Ian, the bartenders. Bar doesn't open until 4. We're drinking early. We start playing pool. They have a pool table out there

that poor bar just to say hired fucking extra bartenders thinking that something was happening I think it was based on their numbers they're going to have a fucking rude fucking disappointment next month they're going to have a spike in their numbers for the time used to be

they had UA and ASU tonight it will not match what happened last week. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get off track. Yeah, this will be the biggest bar tab I have ever had, and you're checking out of there because you're staying. The hotel tab, because it wasn't just my room for two weeks. It was other rooms, rooms I didn't even need.

We'll get to that. The room you angrily bought and they wouldn't refund you an hour later. I just found out about that. Because I was telling you, why is he so mad? Alex will get fired. Why is he so mad?

We're so way off the top. Tuesday, we start playing pool. Can I get some ice and some tea? Because this is going to be about me. I was ready to go to bed, and then somebody had a bump of blow. And I was like, all right, now I'm awake. And that's when it was the first mistake.

And then I stayed partying. And it went fucking south. Mistake. Good idea. Potato, potato. Listen, I had a fantastic time. I don't remember any of it, but I had a fantastic time. Around 1 o'clock, I decide, after Chaley and I were outside crying,

because I'm singing so far away to him. Oh, shit. He's out on the front sidewalk on one of those big concrete orbs they have out there to be all Ikea and hip. Target. So, yeah, so he's sitting out there crying, and I went out to make him cry worse, so I'm singing so far Away by Carole King. And I'm drunk, so I can pull it off, but I'm selling it so well that I start crying, and then we start hugging, and then we bet $100 on a pool game, partners.

And somehow we were team captains, and we picked teams, and you picked Chaley and I picked tracy and somehow by the way tracy and i won but i gave his hundred to you even though you guys were on the same team yeah i tried to argue it it didn't make any sense to me but we were pretty drunk and someone was giving me a hundred bucks i didn't argue hard did someone give tracy the other hundred no motherfucker she was a worker. This was between team captains of night shift. That's not the way it should have happened.

After that, you went to bed. Hold on, by the way. I better get some sleep. So about 3.40. Well, when you went to bed, we continued to drink in the lobby and play pool and cry. 4 p.m. Until we drunkenly realized the bar was open at 4 p.m. Which, that was their mistake.

Because at one point, I looked down and I had two vodka martinis and a beer. And I was buying the other guy, some guy in front of us, and then Chad, and then we took the appetizer menu in hand and fucking went to town. Remember, Chad and I have been awake since the day before. So have I. And the night shift. Not in a hospital room. Oh, that's right, because you had scored that Coke the night before. No, no, no. Two nights before.

Oh, two nights before. Oh, yeah, you left it there in my room. Oh, my God. Yeah, you're a. All right, let's go over all your embarrassments. That's not an embarrassment. Hang on. I don't drive with drugs.

That's good. I drive home. You store them in my room when I don't know you're coming back. You didn't know, and no one would ever know where it was. But when we got back there, it was game on. Let me just try to get through this. One of the nights I come home with, we have two doctors that are friends of ours that work in this community

that have been spearheading the, hey, let's save bingo thing, knowing what doctors are good, what are bad, who to believe, who to not believe, who doesn't do their leg work. And they're doing all this leg work.

So I come home with one of our doctor friends to the hotel, to the bar. It's 10 o'clock at night, just left the hospital, and I'm talking to her at the bar about, okay, this is what's going on with Bingo. This is what they're saying, but this is what they should be doing. And we're having this conversation. It's 10 at night, and Chaley's already fucking hammered at the hotel. So he's like Tasmanian devil. And I'm like, I'm having a conversation here.

He's like, who's drinking water? He's just out of his tit. And then by midnight, he's like scoring below. I mean, you are already fucked up. I don't need to do that. Well, I joined in with him that night. By 4.30 in the morning, we're slapping each other in the face.

Hi, Mark, come on out. It's just chaos. Hennigan shows up at 3 in the morning. He drove 11 hours from L.A. It's horrible traffic. Have a seat. So cut to this night. He still has that leftover.

So, I go to bed. It's like 1 o'clock in the afternoon. I'd been up since the day before. I go, we're going to have to do night shift again. Let's get some sleep. I thought you went back to your hotel room you did which i should have done yeah tracy comes in so drunk she crawls into my bed starts taking off her shoes trying to throw them off the bed and they're landing on me even though she's beside me

and i'm so delirious i'd only slept three. I'd been up for so long that I thought maybe there's other people that are staying in our room that we. Well, wait a minute. Whose bed? Hang on. My bed. We have a room with two beds. The Chaley's are in one bed. I'm in the other.

But I'm so I'd only been asleep for three hours in the afternoon. So I think maybe it makes sense why she would be staying in my bed. I'm not putting it together. And then I get a call from Kelly, and she's trying to explain this whole aspiration thing. They say she's, what's it called? Intubation. No, no, you had it.

Fluid in the lungs. Aspiration. Oh, aspiration. Yeah, the aspirations. Yeah. Intubation. Fluid in the lungs. Aspirations.

Aspirations. Aspirations. Yeah. And Tracy by now has figured out she was in the wrong bed, goes into her bed, and she's yelling about, look at how many friends I have. I have no idea. And I'm like, I'm on the phone. It's about bingo.

And she's not, I don't realize how drunk she is, but she's just yelling over it. I'm like, this is serious. And now I'm pissed. So I just storm out of the room. I go, I'll call you back. And I'm like, fuck this. Sorry, mom's now here, so I have to tone down the F words.

So I'm like, fuck this. And I'm getting my own goddamn room. I can't believe you guys are still up. I said, Chad's in bed at least. And she goes, nope. And I'm like, goddammit. We got to go back to do night shift. And I go down.

I'm getting my own room. And I don't even have shoes on. Like, give me another goddamn room. So I get my other room. And then I go, this doesn't work. Because all my stuff is still in there. I don't have my shoes. I don't have my phone. And then Chaley's like, what's

up? And I just give Chaley the finger like this is not a time for you guys to go on a 24 hour bender, you assholes. So I sit down at the bar. I got to get some food before I go suit up. And Chaley starts throwing pretzels at me.

I was trying to tell Chaley that I was like he's mad. Leave him alone. What's he mad at? And I didn't want to tell him he's mad at Tracy because you had told me that you were mad at Tracy. But I didn't want to tell Chaley he was mad at Tracy because we would have been crying drunk at the bar already.

So I'm not trying to fucking upset Chaley at this point. But he wouldn't stop. He's upset and Shaley's just throwing pretzels at you from across the bar. So I go up to get shoes and my phone and Tracy is in bed just like she is now, laying on her side

with her Kindle. No, I have a picture of it. It was a cell phone. With her device. With her device on her side, but she's not being loud anymore. And then I have to look over, kind of like

sometimes you have to make sure Bingo isn't dead when she sleeps too long. And I look over. She's dead asleep, but her thumb is on the button. It was like when Pompeii. They're reaching out. They have the people under the lava rock. She was embracing her phone.

Pompeii. A Pompeii reference. Then I go back down, and I've gotten over my initial anger. Okay, you're drunk. It doesn't matter. Chad can power through. I know that. And you don't have to be there.

We don't need you. But you're still so drunk that now it's like 4.30 in the afternoon. Yeah, it's later than that. And this band comes in to check into the hotel. And they're obviously a band. Because it's like six white guys with a white panel van dragging a trailer. And they have tattoos on their faces. And they have hoodies.

Black cargo shorts with boots. With humongous bags that clearly have more than just clothes in them. So Chad Shank, it's a small bar. Ma, you were at the Aloft Bar. It's a small bar. The bar is the hotel lobby. Yeah, it's a hipster lobby. And Chad goes, are you guys in a band, or are you just regular guys?

And they're like, no, we're just regular guys. And they're like, we're just regular guys. They're talking, they're dealing with last call drunks at 4.30 in the afternoon. I was playing to Shaley only at that point. I was an obnoxious asshole. I think I probably egged you on at that point. No, you should ask them. We had talked about that. They are

someone you need to go talk to. I was an obnoxious asshole to only the entertainment of Shaley. Everybody else was mad at me, and I knew that, and I did not care. There's three people at the bar. The two of them at the far end of the bar. I'm at the other end of the bar staying away from them because I don't want to be around Shaley. I want to ignore them.

And when they go, are you just regular guys or are you in a band? I'm like, oh, my God. And then they won't let it go. And then Chaley's like, no way, they're in a band. So he goes out to talk to the tour manager. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even walk away to the elevator because I would have to go between them. I went out through the pool area patio

and then through the back exit to get to my room to get away. You were embarrassed. Isn't that shocking? If you think that was an accident, you think wrong. I am a diplomat on meta levels, and I knew the only way to get Stanhope from being pissed off at Shaylee was to fucking make him pissed off at everybody and then make him laugh. But there was another guy there who was like a defense worker.

Yeah, yeah. That was my first diplomatic move was introducing myself loudly to the guy next to me because I knew that's what Stanhope would do when he was obnoxious. So I was being obnoxious because I knew Stanhope was sober and had just woke up and hated all of us. And hated us and was ignoring us. Yeah, I was trying to just be Stanhope until he fucking realized it.

At that point, I thought you were, like you were trying to play some con on him. And I'm already staying at the other end of the bar. And I told you at the elevator, I go, no, I was trying to, like, he doesn't know I'm with you, so I can play, you know, we can do some good cop, bad cop, like pigeon drop kind of scam. Again, once again, I was drawing you over, because once I had you laughing with Shaley and I, you were not going to be mad at Shaley.

You were only mad at Shaley because you were mad at Tracy. So it didn't make any sense. Yeah, it didn't make sense to me. So I knew I could fix it easily. Yeah, Shaylee's supposed to be the on-the-ground point guy that can run errands for the family, and now he's shit-faced on a 24-hour bender for a pretzel set. On an off night.

Hey, listen, times of high stress involve... He's done pretty darn good. There you go. I didn't even know you had a mic, Ma. That's right. Alright, let me just rush through some other notes. As it ended up, it was a DJ.

Alright, yes. None of us can even find. Hang on, we're gonna get through this. None of us can find him online. It's not even funny, but the next part's hilarious because Shaylee said, meet me back upstairs in the room. You can stop.

Hey, go to your list. Now you're right. Go to the list. Go to your list. So Shaylee tells Chad. All the ladies need to leave. Chad has been up for 24, next day, next night. And Jaylee says, hey, if you want to do a bump, come up to the room.

It's cocaine talk. And Chad's like, yeah, we're going to do an all-nighter. Sounds like a good plan. I'll do that. See, Ma kind of blushes at the cocaine, but we've been taking half Adderall's to stay up for these night shifts. That's amphetamine,

by the way. That's medicinally. Yeah, no, that's a prescribed drug for attention deficit. That's all I tried to prescribe. Helps you focus, which we have problems with anyway. Yeah, in the 70s, you could do cocaine off of a mirrored table at a Studio 54, no one blinks an eye.

Now you can take an Adderall at the bar. Hey, I got to be up all night. I'm going to take an Adderall. No one bats an eye. We did that at the bar that same night we're talking about. Yeah. So go ahead. Tell Ma the story.

Shaylee says, I got to bump upstairs. Come upstairs. Stanhope, I get the situation calmed down so that Stanhope goes over and tries to cancel his other room because he realizes he's not as mad as he was earlier. Yeah. I changed my mind. Is it too late? And they said, yes.

You motherfucker. Yes, it's too late. Like an hour later. Yeah, that was wrong. Anyways, I decide, I'm like, well, I'm just going to follow Shaylee. I'm going to go upstairs now. So I go upstairs, and I walk up to the room, and the door is barred, which when you go to a- Bolt it open so you don't have to use it.

When Stanhope goes to the motel room when we're partying in there, he always bolts it open, so I know. Allegedly. So I bolt, well, you have to know which room he's in, and I'm going to be there anyway, so don't fuck around with that. So I, well you have to know which room he's in and I'm going to be there anyway so don't fucking worry about that. So I push it in. I push the door open and I walk inside and I walk upon

Shaley and Tracy in a compromising position. Really? They were in some act of Congress. I'm not even sure which it was. Why does this always blow right at my door?

I have to tell you right now. I don't remember that, Chad, but I have bruises on my body. Hold on. Hold on. I'm getting there. You've got to stop talking now. Let us tell a story. So I immediately walked in, and as soon as I walked,

as soon as I got past the point of no return where I can see the beds, I realized that I've made a horrible mistake. So do we. Well, and I believe I mentioned the other time, I'm like, only I have the worst luck where I walk in on a naked Shaley and Tracy and I only see Shaley naked. I mean, it could have been.

At least I could have fucking caught a glimpse of Tracy naked. That would have been better, I guess. But I'm like, ah, I just fucking walked in on Shaylee's butt naked. So let me go. And I go, sorry, guys. I only came in because the door was barred. I'm apologizing profusely. And I start to head to the door.

And I'm like, I'm going to unbar the door and leave. I apologize. And then Tracy says, hold on. I have to go to the bathroom. And so I said, what does that have to do with me but mind you only reason i came up was to do a bump of cocaine and if you've ever invited you to do anywhere to if you've ever went anywhere to do a bump of cocaine any i hold on i have to go to the bathroom is an invite to hang on because there is probably going to be a bump because i'm'm like, that has nothing to do with me.

So should I go? Wait. So I wait by the door. Tracy goes into the bathroom. Shaylee starts hollering. And I walk over around the side. And I see that when Tracy left, Shaylee rolled off the bed in between the bed and the wall of the motel room.

The crevasse? Where he's stuck, which is. But that's where he stores all his luggage. So he's on top of his bed. That's an easy fix. So I grab Shaley and I pull him. But I realize when he starts yelling like he's in pain. Yes.

That he can't get out. So I have to start pulling backpacks and bags that are what's wedging Shaley in. I'm wedged in. I am wedged in. Naked shillings. I'm totally naked. And I have bruises. For the last two days, I've tried to run it with the bruises on some of my heads. I have abrasions on both forearms.

This is as bad as bingo. You're going to see them naked. And there's these things on my legs that I don't know what they are. They're like brazes, abrusions. Abrusions. Abrusions. Abrusions. All right.

That's the gin talking. All right. But honestly, I, for two days, I'm like, Tracy, why is this, like, why is my head hurt? And she goes, I don't know. And then I just thought of, like, did Chad manhandle me out of that corner? I did. Can I sue Chad for being too rough? You did nothing.

You were a friend. And when I, this is my faulty memory. I'm wasted. I fell into the crevasse. Tracy calls it the crack. I'll push you back in the crack. That's what she says when I said I can't

like when I started yelling you pulled those things like a first responder like like backpacks and like like pant legs

were floating like they were flying out of the air and then you grabbed me you cradled me in your arms gently saved you and you got me that night we're this is ma we're still at uh umc we're doing night shift that night now we're

disheveled chad you weren't wearing your hat and your hair had come out of the ponytail so it's spreading it was like trump if you can imagine how Trump wakes up. Wait, with his hair back in a ponytail? No, no, it's coming out of his blade. It's coming out of its normal form. Like the Lion King. We're trying our best. And at some point in the middle of the night we start getting tweets

Chaley was tweeting I don't remember I lost the last 30 hours or 20 hours I don't know what happened I've lost the last 20 hours and I went back into the loop that we tell Bingo don't worry you hit your head real hard it still hurts I can touch it hard. It still hurts.

I can touch it right now. It still hurts. Oh, my goodness. Bingo, we try to keep a log of things that Bingo has said as she's coming out. Because not only was she coming out of a coma and all these problems, Was she coming out of a coma and all these problems? She was also, we realized, having a psychotic episode while she's trached, before the trach, that she could talk. She couldn't talk.

She could mumble. But she had those distant, faraway, dead fish eyes, and she's sketchy. That's what I was saying earlier. And she's sketchy. That's what I was saying earlier. On a regular basis, there's times when your head gets the best of you, and that's when everybody else knows it.

But on a regular basis, you have to have a certain amount of cognition to deal with your own head, and she does that very well. And now she's having to deal with her own head without having that same cognition and without being able to speak right right that was the thing she started being able to speak like at one point she was just saying like a lot of nonsense stuff enough you could occasionally know what she needed but then she like at one point she blurted out, Saks underpants. And then with a, like, did you, I mean, she was specifically Saks underpants, which mom, hey, you know what? Take credit right here for an unofficial sponsor from the early days of the podcast.

I got my first pair of Saks underpants as a Christmas present from Mom. That's where that originated. Actually, Mom's wearing them now. Saks underwear. Even Mom wears them. Say it into the mic. I was ticked off because I was planning on giving you underwear, Saks underwear. Because I loved him so much.

Every birthday and every Christmas. You finally found a gift for Doug. Yeah, he wanted. And then Saks underwear sends him a whole box full. Thanks, Saks underpants, for ruining Mom's day. If you still want to send underwear, send them in larger sizes. I'll wear them. Saks underpants.

They hold your balls real firm. So bingo, out of the blue. She says a bunch of stuff, but Saks underpants was so completely random that. Wait, why did that happen? Well, she was, we were night shift. Well, that was the night that she was just up the entire night. She was... Yeah, I knew she wanted...

She was rocking. She was agitated. I knew she was having head problems. We've talked about that of like suggestions from something that's happening or what you would see. That's fucking weird. We're trying to wrap this up. Wrap it up. Listen,

the fact that you say sex underpants, were you showing your underpants there? Listen, one of the things she said to me Hey, Monday night,

Chaley. I knew, I enjoyed He's got my mic. I'm done. I enjoyed knowing that her cognition

was still there whenever her sense of humor was there because at one point when she was, we talked about the stuff she would say, she was fidgeting around and she was trying to go somewhere off the bed. And I grew up and I'm like, where do you need to go? And then she wants to talk and I hold the blowhole and she very earnestly says, up your butt.

Which, because she I'm like, because she's just agitated and she doesn't need to go anywhere and she's mad at me because I'm asking her where she needs to go. And she's able to talk again for the first time. The first time was, I get to get up to pee. Those were her first words and we celebrated that night. Oh, she's jumped up, She hasn't said a word. I get a pee. We

celebrated. Ma and I, mom's having signature cocktails at the Aloft bar. We were having a great time. That's when it turned bad with the C-diff and then the trach hole. Now she can talk through the trach and she's saying anything she

can. Ma, what was the first thing she said to you? Oh, she said, hi, Mom, you suck. You suck. She told her sister to fuck off. She's told us to fuck off several times, all of us. Whenever I asked her, where are you trying to go? She goes, up your butt. And I told her, I looked, and I go,

wait until Stanhope goes on a smoke break because he doesn't know we do butt stuff when he's gone. And she smiled at me and I'm just like, all right, see, that's what I know that she's fucking in there. They come in in the morning. That night she said, put it to me. Yes. Like, give it to me straight.

Put it to me. Okay, put it to me. Yep. Am I going to be retarded? She was coming in and out. This is as she's coming out of a psychotic episode. And she was saying, don't worry. It seems serious because you have all these

machines around you and these people that keep bothering you it's not that serious it's it's it seems serious i go it's all temporary listen you hit your head real hard you have some some brain trauma it's not permanent she goes but it but it can be. And you go, well, if you realize that brain damage can be permanent, then you're probably not that brain damaged. You're probably above that. Your

first actual response when she asked you if you... She goes, am I going to be retarded? I don't remember exactly. Do you remember what you said? I said, no, if you I going to be retarded? I don't remember exactly. Do you remember what you said? I said, no, if you were going to be permanently retarded, I wouldn't be here. I'd be long gone by now. And she smiled and knew that you were joking with her.

And that's tough. I'll talk to Ma on this while you refill her. Are you doing eggnog or are you doing Bailey's? Good. She'll get you. Bailey's? No, no, no, just eggnogog just a small one okay uh but with with like even with the nurses uh where you go i have to explain to them like a lot of times i'll talk like the kind of baby talk shit you do just as a couple when no one else is around and little goofy things that we do and when she wasn't able to respond then i'd have to stop because you'd make her smile

and she recognizes it warm it up chris i'm about to this silly shit and then i have to explain to the family and nurses that are around me um this is just a thing we do. They're acting like... These are positive steps. Like I'm riffing. They're looking at me like I'm riffing ridiculous stuff. Hey, Amy Bingaman. This is Amy Buttercheese Bingaman.

Like this is stuff from the podcast. He wouldn't understand, but they're looking at me like I'm the complete dildo. No, you would tell, God God damn you, bring him in, and she would hold her fist up and shake her fist. Bring him in! You've seen that lot. We do that. Bring him in, whatever you're going to do this time.

Or be adorable. Be adorable, and she always does it. That's back from her old bald crazy days. And she'd go, I'm just a little girl, kind of little hand gesture things. She's got it. Yeah, but when she couldn't respond other than smiling, then it's just me and a group of people that don't know me.

But, yeah, she's had some doozies. But this morning, let's cut because we've got to go take over. This was our night off. I don't want our night off anyway. Robin's going to take the hard part, the late part. They come in every morning just to check her brain, cognitive skills. What's your name? What year is it?

What day of the week? So the first time at UNC. She's doing good at that now, though. Oh, yeah. She mailed it yesterday. The first time I watched it. Yeah. The first time she got – she had no idea what year it is.

Not that she would have before she fell. And what month, nothing. What's your name? Not that she would have before she fell. What month? What's your name? That's how bad she was at that point. She said, bingo. And they go, what's your first name? It's real pretty.

Amy Bayman. Yeah, yeah. And then, do you know where you are? She got hospital, right? The date is, no. Nothing after that. They go, what's the day of the week? What month is it?

And what year is it? Just farted so incredibly. And grinned. Turned to me with those dead eyes and smiled. Gave her a fist bump. I was in the corner laughing my ass off.

Night shift is probably a bit different, Mom. And then there was one more easy question that she said turquoise was her answer. What year is it turquoise? It was like that. But we had just got done talking about what color is her trach tube, which it happens to be the same color as her hair.

Yeah, she thought she was going to have that forever, and she wanted her and Gretchen to bedazzle it. She went, if I'm going to have this, I want to dress it up. I go, you mean bedazzle it? She goes, yeah. I go, no, it's not going to be in there that long. So now, hang on oh i thank you everyone i i had a bunch of friends uh call and leave her voice messages because now that she is somewhat cohesive her memory is just minute to minute. So instead of, Stern played her stuff on the radio, and Johnny Depp, when she first was coming out of a coma,

making her first words before the trach, Johnny called, and I put her on speakerphone, and then I'd say, hey, do you remember when Johnny called you? No. So now I have people leaving voice messages, so I can just replay them for her. So I got, you know, Manson gave me the idea and Kreischer and the Sal and Quinn from the Jokers and Brendan Walsh left some doozies. A bunch of people have called and left messages.

So now I can replay them thank you everyone i asked to do that that did that and so yeah she lights up like a christmas tree when you play those and yeah i'm star fucking a little bit because i if i when i play those in front of staff like the first time you were there my where was the guy's name. He's like, how does she know all these people? Well, you know what? If they think that all these people know her, they step up their game.

And you're going to get a better quality health care. Somebody had asked me when we were in there, well, who are you guys? She goes, well, I'm her husband, and she's her bodyguard. She just looked at me. It didn't help when I was pulling door guard on the door later. That was great. At some point, because at UMC, it's a student hospital. You have residents.

So they're coming in because they're learning to do their job. But they're also bothering Bingo when she's finally asleep. We've got to get blood sugar. Really? You have to do that? There's one person every two hours. Let her sleep. Jenny was the one who told me. She was like, you can refuse most of that stuff if it's not necessary. So I'm like, I'm a doorman.

I can fucking turn people around. She's sleeping. What do you need what are you here for he did he was he's working the door because the first night the doctor came in and he buffaloed me because he was like i'm so doctor so and so from the trauma unit how's everything been going and we're like oh everything's been going all right and she just finally just went to sleep. And then he's like, how are you doing? You know, wakes her up. And then we're going to be keeping an eye on you. And then he leaves.

And I'm like, you motherfucker. But Jenny informed me that, yeah, you can refuse all of that stuff. So anytime anybody would come like, wait, what are you doing? How much of it's necessary? All right, go get that done. Don't wake her up. Jenny's tight. Jenny, you're on top of your shit.

Yeah. It was nice having you. It was good. Yeah, I got some other stuff But Blah, blah I'm looking at notes Oh, yeah, after I played her the first round of voicemail She was really spry last night

Or night before last, sorry No, it was last night I think so Yeah, afterwards I said Hey, listen, she's still alert i go while you're talkative is there anyone you want me to call anyone at all that i can call you want to talk to and just randomly she said bill burr like of all our friends and family i don't even know if bill burr has even met her where she pulled that out bill burr and i like all family. I don't even know if Bill Burr has even met her. Where she pulled that out.

Bill Burr. And I'm like, all right. I don't feel comfortable calling him for this. But yeah. I'll do it. Yeah. You're already committed. Yeah, he talked to her on the speakerphone.

I'll be better tomorrow. All of a sudden, she didn't have anything to say. But yeah, he took the call. Love, Bill Burr. All right, that's a podcast. We have to go do a spontaneous early night shift. We can close it out with tainted love to a beeping IV machine. Chaley will do that when he comes back.

Yeah, I don't know if Chaley's coming back. I think he might be butthurt again like the night he left drunk. He just kept taking me off topic. We gotta get out of here. Rosie's there. Emotions are sensitive. Is that a podcast? That's a podcast. Alright.

Back with more. It's getting better. As you hit the pause, there's someone next to it. Sometimes I feel I've got to run away. I've got to get away from the pain you drive into the heart of me. The love we share Seems to go nowhere And I've lost my light For I toss and turn, I can't sleep at night Once I ran to you

Now I run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you. Take my tears and that's not nearly. Oh, tainted love. Oh, tainted love. Now I know I've got to run away. I've got to run away. I've got to get away.

You don't really want any more from me to make things right. You need someone to hold you tight. And you think love is to pray. But I'm sorry I don't pray that way. Once I ran to you Now I run from you This tainted love you've given I give you all a boy could give you Take my tears and that's not music

Oh, tainted love Tainted love, tainted love. Don't touch me, please. I cannot stand the way you tease. I love you, though you hurt me so. Now I'm gonna pack my things and go. Tainted Love Thank you. Terima kasih telah menonton!