The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #184: A Very FunHouse Christmas

Episode Date: December 23, 2016

It's a Very FunHouse Christmas with Doug, Bingo, Chad, Tom, Castle Rock Kenny, Derrick and Chaille.Recorded Dec. 22, 2016 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Castle Rock Kenny (@cstlrckkenny), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Doug's new special, "NO PLACE LIKE HOME", now available on cd at  Amazon.com, iTunes, Google Play, Spotify and DougStanhope.com.LINKS: Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/   Closing song, "The Christmas Time", by The Mattoid. Available on iTunes.   Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com    Order Doug's audio book, "Digging Up Mother", HERE.Support the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

We're ready to go sooner rather than later. Sounds good. Well, according to the light, we are going. So places, people, it's a... Yeah, yeah, kill the domes. There you go. That's a very fun house podcast. A very fun house Christmas podcast.

That's what I'm missing. I'm going to put the fireplace channel on my phone. We have that. We've got to do that. The DVD. Yeah, we have a DVD that's just fireplace or lava lamp or fish tank. So, yeah, remind me about that, Tom. Knopka's here.

Chad Shank is here. Chaley's here. And in the background, we have our over-serving bartender. Every time we podcast, I go, I can't believe. I think that I drink more out of nerves. I'm like, I'm not nervous on the podcast. Tracy's pouring the fucking drinks. I've been in bed at 9.30

at the latest every day this week. Bingo and I have turned into early risers. I get up and go, oh, it's not six yet. I could go to Safeway now, but it's not six yet. It's 4.36. Kenny's here

throwing no money after good. way now, but it's not 6 yet. It's 4.36. Kenny's here throwing no money after good. Sitting on his phone. Playing chess. Oh, you're playing chess? Kenny's a chess player. For chips. Yeah, international. If you saw Kenny in that rig,

he's got the knit cap, the winter knit long shorman cap over his bengals baseball hat yeah you look like such a detriment to society like if you moved in and i didn't know you next door i would have officer bob friendly doing drive-bys five six ten times a day and now you and now but you just you get done playing golf or uh badminton and then then you go to your secret slot machine at a unnamed bar in a back room and then you come over and you play chess on your phone that's how you're social jet lacy's here jet follow him at jet lacy with an oh booze kowski sorry yeah jet lacy is the name you see it's at booze kowski the twitter the twitter name

is jet lacy right no the twitter name is at boozekowski. Yeah, bald head inside a lot of weed. I thought the Twitter address is at Booskowski. Yeah, that's good. The name, though, associated is Jet, yeah. He's a lot larger in life. He is larger in life. He brought mixers. We needed mixers desperately here.

Oh, that's why he brought that up. He brought that up. I didn't know what he was talking about, and I just nodded and said, yeah. I don't know. Well, it's a few days before christmas parents are leaving bingo's parents gonna leave us in charge of the girl bingo's here yeah you get your hair done the first time in five six six weeks. And you look marvelous, darling. Yes. Did they find any more staples when she was brushing it out? The last staple.

But there's a hole. They took the last staple out, but there's a hole. There's a mic for you if you want to just, you don't have to talk, but if you want to sit over there. You're waiting for the vodka. There's none here. Yeah, we're a little light on vodka. Thank you, at Sal Volcano of the Impractical Jokers.

Oh, God, we love Sal. What we're going to do, we opened the first box. It was that platinum vodka. Went through a few bottles, and I went, we have our own vodka. Let's use our own vodka. And on Christmas morning, whatever that hour might be, we're going to periscope us opening all the boxes of vodka. Because we have, I don't know how many boxes and how many boxes.

If a case is six bottles, I'm sure some of those are three. So two boxes might be one case. Anyway, I'll send you a picture Christmas morning, funhouse morning. We're in the funhouse time zone and we'll all sit around and periscope us opening the gifts which will all be vodka there's a 13 and a half boxes 13 and there's one that's a small but it might be just two bottles oh and then the two bottles that are wrapped well some guy sent me, because to send alcohol, I guess it's a bit of a pain in the ass. You have to send it FedEx, and there has to be someone here with ID

to sign for it that's over 21 and not... Inebriated. Not visibly intoxicated. Visibly. Yeah, Tom picked up on the rules when he signed for the first box i'm good during the day at night anything anything goes yeah so tom was our sober signer for fedex but some guy i wrote his name down liam where's he from liam not rochester no he's from the UK. And he sent two bottles, not associated with the whole Sal Volcano vodka thing, of Buckfast, which Buckfast is like the UK version of Mad Dog.

It's like a hobo drink, but it's spiked. It's made by Benedictine priests, but spiked with so much caffeine. Oh, what was this shit they made? Four Loco? Kenny would know. Loco. Four Loco. Four Loco.

Yeah, it's fortified caffeine booze. Kill you in a can? Kill you in a can, says Kenny. There you go. Whatever you do, don't fucking come over here and talk on a mic. Just keep playing chess. Really? Yeah.

Kenny hates playing chess on the phone alone at home he likes an audience so uh you didn't have to come over you can play chess silently there but when you look up you can just speak into the mic so this shit oh well i at first i said oh we'll give this to Kenny. Because again, you fit the mold of a guy who would drink Buckfast. But you don't really drink that much. So I thought, it's a scourge. I wish I kept the letter. But there's so much mail for bingo here.

We can't keep it straight. Does the Buckfast? She's bigger than the Beatles right now. She is definitely bigger than the beatles right now she is definitely bigger than the buck fast is it made to look like like comical or like uh dudes with like the like the the mf mf guys wrapped it in bubble wrap with duct tape and i didn't even bother to open the bottles once i read that it was buck fast i don't know what it looks like we thought we'd drop this off at tin town the homeless shelter for on christmas morning yeah for someone who's

the buck fast guy in town kenny like who would be the person that drinks buck fast that we could re-gift this to luciano he's old mexican guy probably find him luciano he's a mexican guy you can probably find him at Safeway. Unlucky Luciano. Unlucky Luciano. Wait, not behind Safeway, right? No, not anymore. No, it wasn't him.

We'll lift a glass to Crazy Carlos. So Buckfast is really serious drinking and it's not like a Joe Campbell product where they're trying to get the kids and the ex x oh no no he said it's in the letter he said it's a it's he explained it's a this fortified wine with too much caffeine and it's uh made by benedictine priest and it's also a social scourge in glasgow where that's that's like four loco drinkers. You had me at fortified wine. So it's a wine product.

Yeah, it's wine with caffeine. Give it to Cedric and Betty. We got to open it up. Keep them up all night. Yeah, next poker game. I got to see at least what one of them looks like or tastes like. It's got to be fucking great. Have at it.

Have at it. It's got to be. I'll do shots fucking great i drank it yeah benedictine monster caffeine i remember uh drinking king cobras for the first time when i was 18 in hollywood and in the big cans and back then i was aer drunk, and I drank two of the big cans, and that's when I got my moped stolen, passed out on a sidewalk out in front of a restaurant, sleeping there at dinner hour. Yeah, so it's like that, I guess. With the caffeine, you wouldn't have fell asleep next to your moped. No. Yeah, you wake up doing Benedictine champs.

Yeah, this is different. That's just heavy alcohol. This has caffeine to keep you up drinking. It's amazing what a bottle of malt liquor will do to you. It always seems like, I haven't had malt liquor in a while, and then it's gone. Yeah, they regret the next morning. You don't even remember the night before into the next morning,

half the time. At least I don't. One bottle and I'm done. Next thing you know, you're rapping. Not even rapping. Rapping to some Mexicans and a low rider going, hey, I'll go in the car with y'all. Oh yeah,

not good. JT Habersat sent a Christmas package. Hey, go ahead. Open gifts. It's a very fun house Christmas. Thanks, JT. JT Habersat sent a Christmas package. Go ahead, open gifts. It's a very fun house Christmas. Thanks, JT. JT just tweeted me today that he watched the Christmas horror story and liked it. The one you recommended on the last podcast. Hey, Kenny, while he's opening that,

why don't you text Derek that he has a present here from JT. Is it Reverend Derek? This is to Jess Jen, who's not present but will be. What did JT get you, Chad? JT sent me supernatural serial killers, chilling cases of paranormal bloodlust and deranged fantasy. Yeah. Sounds good to me.

Sounds real good. He was never much of a reader until now. Always been a reader. I got a book that's more of a pamphlet, but it's UFOs and Marilyn Monroe. Something like that. You could flip through it probably 15, 20 minutes. So yeah, right on. Nailed it.

Those are the kind that I'm looking for for audiobooks. Just take me a minute. But I'll give it to you after I'm done flipping through it, and maybe you could hit them up. It wouldn't take long to do an audio. Anyone else? Don't you have gifts you want to open on the air? No, that was the one I opened. Those were from Tracy's parents.

Oh, so you were already... He sent me a... Oh oh he sent me a book that i'm actually trying to read it's in my backpack you saw it today i saw it last night well as the guy so i was uh jack grisham jack grisham yeah which i i just finished uh keith morris's book who is the original lead singer black flag flag flag and then started the circle jerks so yeah i guess i'm going down that road until i get to norm mcdonald still on the shelf it was on the top of my list but i i i've read uh well i gotta write a book is the point. So I've been reading stuff. That's why I went to the next book has to be like fucking hard road stories.

The Fluffy Mother thing. Yeah, we sold it. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm proud I did it. But I had to avoid every time I'd go down a path. I go, no, I got to stick with a theme and a through line. All right, this one has to be. So I've been doing a lot of punk rock, rock and roll stuff to fire the flame.

Fuck yeah, Ross Stanhope, absolutely. Well, a lot of this stuff, you hear their story, and yeah. And then one night, you go, fuck, that reminds me of the time we did this. And I sit there with a notebook, and then we'll whittle down the stories to the best. So right now I'm in a lot of 80s, 70s, 80s punk rock shit. And, you know, I'll just say this. Nothing sucks worse than a 285-page book about someone's punk rock disaster life where they get sober at page 175.

No, I'm still going to have to do the last 110. Was that the Keith Morris? Yeah, that was Keith Morris. Good book. Yeah. It reminded me of a lot of shit. That's kind of like his career. At about page 170?

At one point. It's been the same since then. And I guess this is very punk rock, but at one point the same system and and i guess this is very punk rock but at one point he says just like anything else drugs or alcohol you can get addicted to money i was making almost 40 000 a year wow but that's 1981 punk band that's pretty good well he doesn't give any timeline throughout so he goes and then we signed a thing. And I go, well, when? In relation to when you started this band, there's never a year or rarely a year.

So at some point, he says towards the end, and I've been sober for 20 years, and I never relapsed. So the last 100 pages were two decades? Well, of course you glossed over those because you have no good stories exactly from two sober decades first decade yeah i can fill a whole book with this but then you jump ship to the tsol another well i started with john doe's book but it's written by a bunch of different people it's about the beginning era so i did like 30 pages of that and i go i want i want something that has a whole arc john doe from x yeah yeah so it's almost like when i would watch comedy when i was new to it or anytime i needed to be inspired you can watch someone great and get inspired like i

want to be that good i get a really you know dig in i'm not doing enough work you watch dave attell who has five punch lines in one joke incredible and you go fuck i gotta work harder why do i not have an obscure reference for this? Why am I just using the... Push-ups tomorrow. Get up in the morning, do push-ups, then brush my teeth. Okay. Jimmy Hoffa. Why did I say Jimmy Hoffa?

That's the only reference. Or Ansel Adams for a photographer. That's your go-to. Why don't you use a little more effort? Dig deeper. Or you watch someone who's really popular that sucks. If you feel bad about yourself, if you're in a negative place, all right, why don't I watch Trevor Noah's first Showtime special

before he took over The Daily Show? And you go, I'm fine. I'm fine. Don't beat yourself up. No more push-ups. No more push-ups. No more push-ups. So, yeah, I'm trying to read stuff that are push-ups.

And get some good shit. Thank you, Ben from Decapo Press. I told him, I go, send me something that inspires me because right now, after all this bullshit, my head is so far from creative. I need to dig into some books. And yeah, I'm starting to fill some shit up. Unfortunately, I have a March deadline.

I have to have this written in two months. I'm not counting. I'm taking out for playoffs and Super Bowl. I'll get it done. I'm good under pressure, and occasionally people drop off something to keep you awake. Box after box. It's been since night shift that I've even done Adderall. No, we did

like a half of one here once since then. I did a quarter. You did a half. I did a quarter. Whatever you do, I take half of what you're doing. I'll be fine. That was the last time I did it. That's the last I had. Tom settling in. Yeah. Went to the eye doctor. Yeah, I did go to the eye doctor Tom settling in yeah

went to the eye doctor yeah I did go to the eye doctor and yeah maybe I'll be able to see in another three weeks or once you get insurance yeah once I get fully stopped he came in and he goes yeah

I can't drive right now my one eye is fucked and the other one might be fucked. Could be glaucoma. Could be cataracts. Maybe I just need contact lenses. Smoke more weed. So he went to the eye doctor.

Yeah, cataract in one eye. Yeah, cataract in one eye. Another one developing. Yeah. Coming soon. Yeah, coming soon to the theater near you. Well, the last thing I see are the Bisbee Mountains. Go out picturesque.

Always positive, this guy. Always positive, this guy. They will recommend marijuana for the glaucoma, though. I was pushing for it. He didn't give that to me. He should. Did you push for it? You can't push for it.

No, I'm being facetious. I know. I had high pressure in the eye, but it's not glaucoma. Not at that level of pressure. Yeah, this is a great doctor. He is great. Phillips. Stephen Phillips.

In Sierra Vista. Yeah, great doctor. Thank you, Dr. Phillips. Great man. The guy we went to before that was this guy that had just bought all these new fangled the state-of-the-art machines and yeah i just want to get the fuck out of there just give me my prescription yeah i just i go so rarely and when i do go i stock up on contact lenses because your prescription change changes negligibly over the years oh maybe

you have to go up another quarter well i'll know that by the way i'm a little bit more fuzzy but by law is every year they can't give you more contacts if it's been more than a year no even though my fucking prescription hasn't changed in fucking 10 years. Don't I remember you telling me though that you just wear the fucking like disposable contacts for months and years? Eight months a year? I never take them out. I rarely

put drops in them. Blinks and it's like blowing dust off a book. That's so great. And then you lose one. And I still have no fucking problem. So why do i have to go give you more money and this douchebag the old one not stephen phillips who's great the guy i went to before that in sierra vista he would he was just bragging about all this machinery and this is gonna we're gonna and i'm trying to be passive aggressively polite in that

i don't need that well uh this is going to test you for glaucoma and then he says that i'm i have a predilection or whatever the word is like i i might get glaucoma i'm more than likely than other people to get glaucoma after he does this test on his new fangled machine he's all proud of like it's a fucking gull wing in his fucking driveway. He's going to show up. And so I said, oh, well, if I am predetermined to get glaucoma. Predisposed. Predisposed is what I was looking for. I said, what do I do? He goes, there's nothing you can do.

I go, what the, why the fuck did you tell me that? So now I just have an unnecessary another worry in my life. Yeah, more anxiety. Yeah. Thanks, pal. You fucking dick. It's like the dentist. I've talked about this before where I have to every third exam,

I have to get x-rays. And you're a fucking hairdresser to me. Just clean the teeth that show to the public. I don't care about, oh, well, because you had periodontal disease, and that never goes away. Oh, like alcoholism? It never goes away. Just clean my fucking teeth like you did Bingo's hair,

and do what I paid you to do. Well, we have to. No, you don't. No, you don't. I always see the dentist as a metaphor for my entire life when I go there because they're always like, you have the best dentition of anybody we've seen all month. And they'll praise me.

They're like, do you floss? You must floss. And I'm, I don't, I'm like, I barely brush. I don't do anything at all.

I eat an apple. I feel like I do a lot of work. I brushed my teeth today because I knew I was coming here, but I can't tell you the last time I did it. It's kind of a metaphor for everything.

All your other patients eat junior mints right before they come in? What the fuck? It's horrible. And the professional looked at your mouth and said, you were doing everything right. Just eat junior mints right before the women? What the fuck? It's horrible. Fucking junior mints. And the professional looked at your mouth and said, what are you doing? You were doing everything right. It just seems to me like I'm a bullshit artist.

It's like I used to just fucking tell people. They should be able to tell by looking at your mouth. Dude, listen, unless you take this seriously, I can't come back in my chair. It's like, motherfucker. It's like when I go for a job interview for a management position they're like you are so overqualified for this i'm like don't know me at all i wikipedia'd the title that i'm applying for right before i got here what was amazing is that the doctor then said he said well your good eye is the exact same prescription as doug's

which is a huge hippoAA violation. Yeah, exactly. But I like that he did cross that boundary because when he said that, he gave him a contact lens in that prescription, a trial to see how this works. Oh. But when Tom told me that, I go, well, fuck, I got glasses.

Because Tom's like, you know what? I'd rather have glasses. Maybe I should look into that. I said, well, fuck. I get glasses because Tom's like, you know, I'd rather have glasses. Maybe I should look into that. I said, well, if he told you, you get the same script as I do. It's like when Chad Shank was dumbing up the VA to get meds for bingo that weren't covered under her insurance. He'd say he needed them. Well, yeah, you need glasses?

Now I know. Now you get some spare glasses that I only use the three days out of the year I take my contacts out because they went hinky on me and there's a piece of gravel in one. I thought you were going to share contacts. That's cute. I only need one contact. Hey, Doug, you got a left. Your good eye is the opposite of my good eye.

This is perfect. Together we're blind. It's like a buddy TV show. I got a letter from the IRS. Let me borrow your left eye. So yeah, if you've dealt with cataracts, I don't know if, Tom, do you even use your email? Do you want people emailing you? No, I can't.

Just email me. No, I do. Do you want people emailing you? No, I can't. Just email me if you have. No, I do. Do you want people to bother you? No. Is that quick enough? I was talking to Chad about this before we started, and I wrote a couple down. I used to try to get back to as many emails as possible.

That's out the window. I'm like 4,000 deep in emails now. I'm never going to fucking get to them. But the problem is sometimes you think, oh, hey, this person's reaching out, and you're in a soft mood, and you go, yeah. After all the shit everyone did for bingo and just stacks of cards and letters and gifts. Pam, who we met at the thing, who we just befriended, who makes you think of people like that.

Yeah. Right. That's a person. When someone replies to me, I remember when I just write to an author after I read the book, and I go, oh, hey, they're on Twitter. And just say, hey, I loved your book. And then when they wrote back, I'd go, ah, that fucking, hey, honey, this book I read in Costa Rica, the guy just talked to me.

Yeah. The problem is I know better than most people know that that doesn't mean this is the beginning of a friendship. Ah. And that's what happens this is the beginning of a friendship. And that's what happens is you go, hey, thanks. I'll see you on the road somewhere. I appreciate the comment. It made me feel good.

And a lot of the times that means this guy's about to unload all of his. Hey, can I come down? My parents live in Poughkeepsie. I'm going there for Christmas. What size shoes do you wear? What's your Astros sign? Do you like tacos? My favorite color is magenta. Hey, hit me back.

And then, all right, the thank yous. And we've done so many thank yous since Bingo got back home of all the people who sent shit. And we've said out loud,'m gonna fucking forget some sometimes bingo open shit she doesn't even tell you she opened and there's so much of it that and one girl sent me an email saying um i was hoping for a thank you i bought your stuff and i even sent a gift and I guess this is a big kiss off to me, and I'm like, I don't even know what you're talking about. Like somebody did something nice expecting a thank you? Fuck you anyway.

Well, I wrote back. I go, I have no idea. I was very nice, which always works. Bill Bird talks about it. Like when you get hate mail, if you just write back something nice, hey, I'm sorry you feel that way. Then they, oh, my God, I can't believe, oh, I'm sorry I was over the top. Yes, that works.

And I did that to her. I'm sorry. It's just been kind of crazy, as you can imagine, since we've been back. And I don't know what you sent. She sent me like a – it was another email that was a digital download which i don't even know how to do someone who you might find this amusing i don't even know if it's music or comedy and i don't know or i used to have go the latest virus that that too there you go i don't know i've had an ipod for a while and then I tried on my own

because I was not going to bother Greg Chaley. I'm going to put on my big boy pants and I'm going to put my own podcast on my own iPod because I want Bill Burr for the road and sometimes Chaley doesn't get around to doing every single thing that is his one job

and I deleted every fucking song off my iPod and I ruined it so uh yeah no i'm not gonna download the thing you think i'm gonna find amusing and i would have said thank you but it wasn't in a it was in an email so i yeah of course it's not in the stack of shit we say thank you for lady that i was nice to guess what didn't mean it that nice email i sent and then we went back and forth and i said hey don't worry about it but thanks i'll figure out how to download this no i won't i don't listen to shit on my computer if i get a chance to listen to shit that i downloaded it's the stuff that i listen to on the road that i'll never get caught up on much less something some album by someone

you say i thank you for the effort i take it back when you bust my fucking balls for not saying thank you soon enough now i now i want to know what it was i'm just saying if i reply and go hey thank you very much sometimes your emails they do mean a lot. I read one that was someone that listened to the bingo thing. Dude, he said, thanks for opening up about all the things that happened with bingo. My best friend had his head stoved in with a baseball bat the Saturday after Thanksgiving. He still doesn't know who I am. I cry every day. I'm choking up right now

when we were going through that with Bingo. I was thinking of alibis. That's just where Chad's head goes. Since we're in the thank you mode, sal sal volcano is over the fucking top with this he's like uh he's he's he's he's got an addiction problem my weird fetish sending bingo shit or having his fans and bingo shit but we went through i don't know if i think we were up to chia trumpet then we got the prank envelopes which uh hilarious idea right they're just envelopes with the return address printed uh what was the everything masturbation society oh like embarrassing yeah return

ridiculous over the top yeah a few a few of them are actually legitimate sounding porn of the month or whatever. Anyway, so that was funny and they also sent a trucker cat that says I pee in the pool. So yeah, he keeps sending shit.

JT Haberset, thank you. Follow him at whatever. Google it. JT Haberset. Morgan Murphy. Did I mention that she sent me this fucking ginormous Safeway gift card? I think you mentioned it on the last podcast. All right, good.

Well, Bobcat Goldthwait. That guy. I fucking love you, sir. Yeah, sent us some. God damn it. I didn't write it down. What's the brand of box? It's here somewhere.

Chicago Pizza. It's Chicago Pizza. I thought it was New York. Is it over there? No. Yeah, I thought it write it down. What's the brand of the box? It's here somewhere. Chicago Pizza. It's Chicago Pizza. I thought it was New York. Is it over there? No. Yeah, I thought it was New York. On dry ice. No, it's in Chicago.

Tracy, it's out there right at the corner of the house. It's a box jammed in a box, a big box. No, no, no, at the corner of the little house. Out on the patio where there's tons of boxes. It's obviously something that's close to his heart. Yeah. And the box says, someone really likes you. Right.

TasteofChicago.com. TasteofChicago.com. And it is? Lou Malinati. Lou Malinati's Taste of Chicago. That sounds good. So, yeah, we'll be cooking those up for a drunk Christmas. I know.

The parents leave. I don't want to say finally, like I'm waiting for them to leave. But in order to address my lifestyle, yeah, address my lifestyle uh yeah i i can't start drinking at 10 in the morning on football when uh the parents are right here and bingos good things to do and so on sunday i'm getting shit face drunk bingo you you can drive that day only so yeah well we're gonna to have drunken Christmas. Hannigan will take over for the parents. Bingo will be bartending.

Who else? Bobcat. I don't even know if I've ever met Bobcat. He just reached out to me during this whole thing. It was the coolest thing. It is cool. Yeah. Yeah, unexpected. Huge. It is cool. Yeah. Yeah, unexpected.

Huge fan. Windy City Heat. Yeah. Best comedy movie. It's not... It goes beyond comedy movie. It's like... I've always, as you know,

Impractical Jokers, whatever, hidden camera pranks. This is a full-length movie of one prank on one dude. If you have not seen Windy City Heat, you're not a comedy fan. You're not a comedian. You're not even a good person. Oh, and the Canadians sent just a package with a package of peanuts. It finally arrived.

I asked you about that about a week ago. The Canadians? The Canadians that stayed here. Yeah, yeah. Our Canadians. They Canadians that stayed here. Yeah, yeah. Our Canadians. They tweeted me and said, yeah, we sent something with peanuts and this and that. And I was waiting. Just showed up.

There it is, guys. Your peanuts have arrived. Yes. And they sent you $5 Canadian. How cool is that? Yeah. Did we talk about what they did? Last time they left here, they went back north.

And then they were jumping down doing extra work to make money. And then lately they went to South America. He took a teaching job. And that's where they've been tripping around for a while is down in South America. Maybe that's why the package took so long to get here. Maybe it came with Canadian peanuts from South America, which probably breaks a lot of laws. I think he was teaching theology.

Wow. In school down there? Tracy, wasn't that it? Sound right. Yeah. When you said extra work, I thought you meant prostitution. So I didn't know exactly where the story was going. They were getting work either in Washington.

Because I'm with theology. It's perfect, Chad. They were doing, yeah, background extra work. I mean, they were just making money on the side, just saving up to come back down here. That's cool. All right, here's a couple more emails from people. One I should have just, hey, my husband's a big fan

and blah, blah, blah, and we listened to the podcast and we were on the beach in Brazil or fucking Belize and we were listening to the podcast and we were on the beach in brazil or fucking belize or we were listening to the whole bingo updates and he's a his birthday is january 20th can you send him an autograph to toronto ohio and uh i knew i wouldn't and then i just mark unread maybe i'll i'm not gonna get to the post office so i'll just i'll just say happy birthday on January 20th right now. Don't listen to this podcast. Do not open until January 20th.

Do not click on this link. Josh Keersey from Toronto, Ohio. Happy birthday. Thank your wife for bothering me. I know I should have probably stuck something in the mail, but then we'd have to be friends. Sarah is moving to, no, Sarah's boyfriend, Sarah Sarah, her boyfriend wants to move to Bisbee.

He came here once, and he's in love with the place, and he listens to the podcast, and he's a big fan. Before I move there, I have a lot of questions. Well, here's your question. Let's go around the table. She's like, what's a good place to move to? What part of town? What's good and bad about Bisbee?

So we'll roundtable this. I tuned out during the first half of that fucking email. Some lady is thinking before she even visits to consider moving here because her boyfriend likes it. She wants to know all about Bisbee. So let's just go. I think we're doing this backwards. We need to ask her a couple questions.

Do we want you in Bisbee? Yeah. I mean, I could tell. I don't know right now. I'm just going to say I don't even know what any of the questions are. I tweeted out, it's not for everybody, and that's a good thing. Well, there is something for everyone. Even Tom Konopka, I showed you that weird neighborhood,

the one nobody knows behind Safeway. I knew exactly where it was. There's that one, there's another one, Wynwood, but if you get caught driving back there, you'll probably get a ticket. How surreal that was. Wynwood neighborhood's neighborhoods behind on the right of the pit if you drive where the cops park yeah drive right of that there's a dirt road it'll go back and around those those water towers and there's a national neighborhood back there but

is it legal to drive there i'm talking about this is the one you know where the senior center is yeah and then there's i think low income apartment apartment buildings which are still, for Bisbee, very weird to see just cookie-cutter apartment buildings. They don't look like projects, but I dropped some old vet off there once who is... They look institutional. They look like everything that you would

move in Vegas. You said the Truman Show. No, no. I'm talking about the ones before the one. Oh, the ones prior to it. If you've got that neighborhood that's directly behind it. It's like three cul-de-sacs. It's all big type houses. Model homes. Right.

Model homes, yeah. Cardboard cutouts. Nothing you'd see in Bisbee. Nothing at all. It's weird. That neighborhood. It's like Grant the Hat Guy lives there. He does hats.

He lives in that neighborhood. Yeah, Grant the Hat Guy does hats. No fucking kidding. What is he taking to him? This podcast has turned into one of those emails you don't want to respond to. What the fuck are you guys talking about? Grant the Hat Guy. Point being, Sarah, come to Bisbee.

Don't ask me a lot of questions. Why, really, before I decide to move there, I'm going to email a stranger. Move to Tin Town. Let's see his take. Yeah, there's a million different kinds of living in a space of 5,000 people. Absolutely. Restaurant. This is what I wanted, a round table.

I want to do a Best of Bisbee that should be on my site. Breakfast. Where do you go? I'll start with Kennyny mornings morning mornings cafe yep i i thought you would go the bisbee route of bisbee breakfast club that's second choice i like bisbee breakfast club because because you can get uh but what that wouldn't be my my guess if i'm gonna go for something in the morning, I'm going to go to Jimmy's and get a breakfast burrito. Jimmy's Hot Dogs.

Hey, Jimmy's Hot Dogs, let's cut a quick commercial. Hey, Jimmy's Hot Dogs, did you come to Bisbee and went, hey, there's no fast food here whatsoever except for Burger King, which doesn't even count as food. Even on Naked and Afraid, they would bypass Burger King to eat a bug. What else do you have? Jimmy's Hot Dogs. Even on Naked and Afraid, they would bypass Burger King to eat a bug. What else do you have? Jimmy's Hot Dogs.

I just found a card in the stack that was from Jimmy's Hot Dogs, left Bingo a card. How cool is that? The best. So, yes, Jimmy's Hot Dogs for sure. It's right across from Burger King. Now, I seem like a fucking panderer, but since they're open when I leave early in the morning and they're on my way home, breakfast burritos in the morning at Jimmy's is basically the only place I ever have breakfast.

And they serve the breakfast out of that Airstream? Yep. That's fucking great. It's 11.30. And for $5, you get a gigantic, like a fucking half a pound burrito. It's two meal burrito. Yeah. It's good.

I mean, and that's something that they're fighting really hard to like, hey, guess what? Best secret in town. We're open for breakfast like no enough people know i think yeah tom and i talked about this because we go down mornings is down here we love the people that run it sherry everybody and we both agree i like to cook my own breakfast yeah because at this point, I even told mom this. My analogy was it's hackneyed, but at a certain age, you know how to cook for yourself. It's like no one can give me a better hand job than I can. You told her that? I was talking to mom.

Well, he laid it down like a challenge. He didn't, you know. She got what he was saying to mom. Well, he laid it down like a challenge. He didn't, you know. She got what he was saying, though. But I also like being a regular in a place. It's nice sometimes if you're in the mood to walk in with your newspaper, have a cup of coffee, one scrambled egg and one piece of toast, and read the USA Today and see who you're going to bet on this week. Yeah.

We'll get to you on that, Bingo, if you want to talk about this week's football games. But Jimmy's Hot Dog, I would go there for breakfast, but I want to hang out. I don't want to sit in front of an airstream. It's cool. And we order a lot of shit from them when we have people over. They're Italian sandwiches.

We ate those exclusively during the audio book. When we were taping the Digging Up Mother. One of the best audio books of the year. Number seven. Congratulations. Number seven most downloaded. Chad Shank. Great Chaley.

Chad Shank. Great Chaley. Tracy. Tracy. Bingerman. Great Chaley. Tracy. Bingerman. Everyone but Jet Lacey. Incredible. Sorry, you didn't live here. Hey, Jet. So, yeah.

Jimmy's Hot Dogs. Go to Jimmy's Hot Dogs on Highway 92 at the cross street of Naco Highway. When you see Burger King and you shudder and look away, you'll be looking across the street at Jimmy's Hot Dogs reflexively. That will be

your choice. For breakfast. We just went around the horn for what was the best breakfast. Also, they have fish on a stick, fish and chips on a stick so you basically cover breakfast and lunch this shit I haven't even tried

let's cut to bars and best of Bisbee let's go with Kenny first he's the local I'll plug my own the Bisbee Grand and then you go with Elmo's the Queen I always say day drinking the Grand is the place stock if you get bored I want like all right i i

started at noon i want to go somewhere else for three to five you could go to the stock exchange nah stock is good for i think that doesn't the hotel have a happy hour which one copper queen yeah copper queen would be happy because they got that nice deck and you want to watch the sunset and you want to smoke. They have a smoking patio. Watch the sunset. It's got a great view. Copper Queen.

Then, if you want Coke or a fist fight, late night, you go to Elmo's. You want to go home with a story, you close at Elmo's. Yeah, we drove by there. I'm going to mention the one that I don't even know the name of, but I think it's the Silver something. The Four Seater? No, the Silver King. Yeah, the Silver King upstairs.

The smallest bar in Arizona. There's a bar room with three stools or something. Four stools. Four stools. And it's an old room that they converted to a bar. It's nice. I'd love to see that. And then they have a little sitting area out front where people's rooms are

and then sometimes they'll have a band playing out there it's very low key no fist fights I don't know about coke but yeah I think it's

low key and fun and we've had a good time every time we've gone there sounds like it'd be better coke if anything and that's balcony seating for the fights

you can watch the fights down below I never went to very many bars in Bisbee, but when I used to ride my motorcycle around before I knew you guys and I'd go, there was a place right across from Elmo's where nobody at all goes. It was the brewery that was there, has a place there where you can drink beer. I'd go in there and drink like three beers,

and nobody else would come in. That's a nice patio, too. That's a nice patio too. It's a really nice bar, but I get immediately put off by places that only serve craft beer or their own beer.

I know I'm a dick for drinking Miller Lite. I understand. I'm not qualified, but can you have some on the side? I have a lot of shit I'd never drink at my bar. Make a shitty beer. Don't have the flowery notes and the fucking lavender essence, motherfucker. I don't like lilac. Give me fucking whatever the flavor of Miller Lite is.

Make it flat. That place always had that because that's, I'm not, right. I don't, I can't. I ask for it and they never have it. And not just that place, any place like that, that is their own brewery. What's the one that tastes the most like shitty beer? I've said it a million times. That's the way you're asking.

You're usually the charming one. I'm the one that everyone hates, but I'll tell you, I've learned that what I say is, I see the fucking thing where you know, you don't recognize any, there's a fucking, a horn and a fucking chili pepper with sunglasses. It's like, oh, fuck. Now what do I do? And I go, what do you suggest? I like a lager.

Lager is a Budweiser. Or a Pilsner. Well, and then I'll have them say, they'll say, well, we have an IPA. And I know that's not a fucking lager. And I go, well, anything. Well, we used to have a Pilsner, but it's out. Fuck. Because it would be like Iroquel or one of these other ones.

And then they'll always bring something. And then I go, the only problem is I like lagers because I don't like dark beers. And they'll bring me a fucking stout or some motherfucking thing. They're fucking like this. We got to get rid of it. Or this is what was closest to the glass. But you have to ask for something really light and that's the way to do it.

But like shitty beer. I say what's closest to corporate shitty American beer like Miller Lite or Budweiser. And they're immediately insulted. Get him out of this bar. We'll just hand you the boot at the Grand. Well, a lot of those places They only serve beer

They only serve They don't have Liquor They have a tavern License No yeah that's that place That place definitely Only serves beer

Beer and wine But again My only thing was That nobody at all Was there That's why I liked it So that's Yeah

We have a drain booth That fills up Throughout the day You have to empty twice If you forget to empty it The spilled The overflow Yeah It's like five different beers You know And all mixed together a drain booth that fills up throughout the day. You have to empty twice. If you forget to empty it. The spilled, the overflow. It's like five different beers all mixed together.

They're still nice and cold and chilly because they're in the cooler. I'm like, you want a shitty beer? Here you go. I bet the hat guy would drink it. Wait, aren't you promoting your bar? Yeah, three cents a shot, man. I didn't know. Boot shots.

Boot. No, that's no. They used to pour out the mat those the bar mat right there those get full yeah with uh whatever gets poured down the sides of the drinks they call it hairy buffalo oh christ but uh bingo's dad asked me as i was giving him the driving tour of tombstone canyon what you do for a living? And I said, I think he still works here, but I've never heard him talk about it or seen him there. Do you actually work there?

Yeah, I do. At the Grand. At the Grand. I'm not just the makeshift Santa Claus that stands in the window. I actually do work there. Who got that job? The makeshift Santa Claus that stands in the window. Remember Derek? We put stands in the window.

We put him in the basement after his week's over and he sits there for the rest of the year and then we pull him out again. He's got the Grinch to hang out with, so fuck it. Good company. You didn't like it? You didn't like your enchilada? No, I loved it. She just ate shredded beef enchiladas

and she hates, even when I bring meat home, she goes, when I'm loved it. She just ate shredded beef enchiladas, and she hates it. Even when I bring meat home, she goes, when I'm cooking it. Listen, I forgot about those enchiladas. I want to change my best bar vote and my best restaurant vote to here. Yeah, that's right. But we don't need strangers at the gate asking if they can come in. Yeah.

This is a gentleman's club. Not on Christmas.mas at a glut i mean it's been consistently more and more people hey i heard you just let strangers stop by no that's not how it works and you know that's not how it works half of the emails no if you're in town anyway and you send me an email that I happen to check and we happen to be drinking and in the mood for, yeah, fuck it, let's. Well, you have to wait for a response to your email. You can't just email and say, I'm coming in town and I'm dropping by.

You will get turned away. And then show up. Hey, my friend and I are traveling America. What should we see? We're thinking about coming to Bisbee. What else should we see in America? Oh, New Orleans. Everything.

Yellowstone. Yeah, Yellowstone. Are you driving? Is this a Southwest Airlines kind of buddy pass? On that topic, Ben, you got some fucking mail here. Why don't you email me? Ben. The RV, Ben, you got some fucking mail here. Why don't you email me? Ben. The RV Ben?

Oh, yeah. No, he still has some comics. He's from Philly. And before all the shit started, before Bingo even had her accident, it was shit for weeks. It started with, I don't know, some party, and then there was a tour, and then there was the Farts Festival, and then there was a tour, and then there was the Farts Festival, and then there was another tour, and then Halloween,

and then the bingo thing, and then I missed a half a year. All of football. Yeah, I don't even give a shit about it. Football is now a comfort food. I still don't watch it. I gave up on it.

I quit watching TV, basically. It's 14-3 Philadelphia, by the way. Well, I have these on, but I mean, all my stories, the bar rescue, all the dumb shit I used to just placate myself with. Yeah, that's done.

But I like football in theory. Back home, back to usual shit. Tom's here. It's nice to show Tom the fucking lay of the land. Yeah. I enjoyed it. You kind of rediscover parts of it as you're explaining it to someone who's never seen it for a while.

I mean, I noticed that because today we drove to Sierra Vista and we went up through the tunnel and everything and just trying to think of things to say. Oh, fuck, yeah. I haven't gone up like you said, Tombstone Canyon. I haven't driven up that in a while. And then past that were that little hotel up there

that looks abandoned. Little things, yeah. He doesn't understand Kenny. He doesn't understand Kenny. He doesn't understand Kenny. Anytime someone, whoever it is, comes over, whether it's Jet Lacey or anyone in the world comes over and

they take out the trash just to be polite. Kenny goes, oh, they're stealing my job. Now I'm going to be out of work. It's just a Kenny-ism. And Tom was like, hey, I don't want to step on any toes here. Are you kidding? That's what Kenny's alive for is to step on his toes.

That's what I'm here for. Here, let me stop. I get what you say, Tom. You see that? Yeah, I was just being polite. Keep being polite. Keep being polite. Keep being polite. Yeah.

You know we love you, brother. I'm lazy. I don't really want to work. That being polite. Yeah. You know what I mean, brother. I'm lazy. I don't really want to work. That's what Doug said. Oh, don't worry. There's no question. In the podcast listeners, in the local community, in our own social circle,

there's nothing more crystal clear than you and Derek don't really want to work. I'll take work more than Derek will, but I'm just saying. They will both show up. You go, hey, we really need your help. It's a big weekend, and I could use some help. This is pay and work. And they'll both show up going, like they just worked a 10-hour shift as they're walking through the gate.

Hang on. I gotta get high first. Yeah, I was gonna say, Dr. Coffee. Hey, Kenny, let me hit that. Their 15-minute break is 15 minutes into work where they need to take a break for a while.

Hey, we get shit done. I just realized that I'm an enabler in that situation. I'm getting high with these guys all the time. I should probably stop doing that. No, don't. No, no, don't stop. Bingo started this. No, don't.

Bingo started this when this whole thing was getting built with the fences and stuff. That was back when Russ Dunn and the two local flunkies under him would come over to work, and Bingo would just come out. They'd start at, what, 10 in the morning? It's an early morning for Biz B. And Bingo would come out and start pouring him rum and Cokes. So by the time Russ Dunn, may he rest in peace somewhere. Actually, he wouldn't like peace.

No. By the end of the day, we'd look out and he'd be his job was like raking rocks when we're putting gravel in where the dirt used to be and he'd be out there just cranking rolling stones and windmilling on his air rake and singing along to rolling stones like bingo you can't start serving them at 10 o'clock. At some point, he kind of fired himself. Shawnee finally had to, after, I don't know, six months of working, Shawnee walked...

Hang on. Come talk to Mike. Did you see him, though? Come talk to Mike. I can hear you from a distance. Well, you get to say it in the mic. Come say it in the mic. Doug, he got... Yes, you can. I can hear you. I can hear you from a distance. Come on. Well, you get to say it in the mic. Come say it in the mic. Dude, he got really good on... I think those vocal cords are fucked up and she's still... I bet they're getting better.

And better. They sound better than she thinks they sound. They sound a lot better. No, I was just saying that he was on the top step painting it for hours. One step at the top of the deck shawnee finally had to say man i gotta let you go and russ was like i would have fired myself a long time ago russ was the best russ was the best's the one death that I think affected me most

out of all of our friends that have died because he was a daily person like Hedberg. Yeah, he was a good friend a long time ago and in theory but I didn't see him daily. Russ was a daily part of our lives. So was Amy and Derek for me.

Amy and Derek, yeah. For me, they were daily. For me. For you, yeah. I didn't care for them myself. You love them. Good riddance. You love the shit out of them. Russ, didn't they do the album, the one side of Sergeant Peppers?

Oh, yeah, they played. With Whiskey and Noir? Yeah. They played the Beatles on purpose. They put together a band. Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man could put it. If they're here, we haven't really had live music much since they died. Because they.

Shelly Ukulele. Jay Whitecott. He can play. He's a comic, but he can play even harder than he can do comedy. And my brother and Russ Dunnan, they would just put together, as long as Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man were there, they could make everything else work, jam bands, constantly. And without them, they're like, ah, fuck, who else are we going to get?

Bird Cloud. But I'm saying, you can't put together a spontaneous band like they could do it. You can't. We'll get back to that. My point being is that's one of the last times I saw Russ was when

he performed with them and they fucking nailed it. They played it straight through one whole side. I thought it was great. Yeah, it was fun. That's not an easy play. He was a huge, he was a DJ on the local, on KBRP. Yeah.

And he was a huge fan of music. He would like pour over. Was he living here for a while? Hit the house? Ross? Yeah. No, no. I remember seeing him here a lot.

He was here all the time. That could have been it. Yeah. He was here all the time. I didn't know what the deal was. Yeah. This was a while ago. He'd never lived here, but he was here all the time. That could have been it, yeah. He was here all the time. This was a while ago. He'd never lived here, but he was here all the time. He was always working on lists, because he was always working on

his song list. He was always working on something. That's one thing I hated about him, because you look at him like he's this fall-down fucking Skid Row trailer-for-sale-or-rent kind of guy, but he's always doing something creative, and I'm not. I'm never doing something creative.

I'm thinking I put it on a list. Hey, do something creative. Nah, I don't. He's crossing things off his list. I get the hockey package. I don't know. It's on every screen. I'm not watching any of them.

Oh, shit. Is football on? Yeah. It's been on since of them. Oh, shit, is football on? Yeah, it's been on since we started. Oh, sorry. I've been watching Christmas movies throughout Christmas season. Oh, sorry, I moved my mic. I will watch Christmas movies of all fucking kinds,

and I realize the theme is always the same, of a horrible fucking guy who's saved by a fucking miracle. And then I realize, I'm like, you're the horrible guy who has and then I fuck it all up anyway. Like, I'm the guy who doesn't learn from the fucking ghosts. Like, fuck you, ghosts! I'm gonna fucking be a

horrible motherfucker my whole life. I don't care about what you say. I hate Christmas. I love Christmas. I'm a big fan of Christmas. That's funny. You are? Yeah, I fucking love Christmas.

I even like the music. I love the lights, obviously. Do they have lights downtown, Kenny? Because someone asked me, I think Dad, was it you or Dad asked me? Did they have like a... I was asking. That was Tom was asking.

Do they do like downtown? I go, I don't go out. So there are some lights down in Bisbee. It's not very many, but if you go down there, you could see the Christmas spirit. All right. But it's not like a city thing where they erect a big tree and have shit across the street.

No, actually, if you just stand on top of the funhouse here, you could probably see a lot of Christmas lights. Yeah. To be honest. I mean, that's what you're going to get unless you go driving. I've seen that during one of the races or something. They'll put up the lights across the street, up the gulch there, or the tombstone, and then at three o'clock,

they're already taking them down. It's like, just fucking leave them up. We leave our lights up. I've got Halloween lights up for two years. Do you know there's a guy who full-time has to put gas in the generator that runs those lights? You don't know what goes into these things.

And then the guy who puts them up and creates jobs. That's creating a job. The guy with the generator. You can bail out. You don't have to sit here. I'll get Jet Lacey in here and we'll get some more. Jet Lacey, you've lived here for how long? Come on in.

I've lived here for six months Six months, alright So what's the first things you found about Bisbee? Hey, get Jet Lacey a fat guy chair No, no, he's fine Hey, they're fat Yeah, he's gonna squish down to bingo level He'll be on mic So you moved here six months ago from?

Kauai Kauai. Kauai. All right. That's in Hawaii. Yes. That's for the listeners. And you know. So what were the first things?

How did you, without emailing me and asking me a lot of questions, move here all by yourself? Well, my wife wanted to move off the island because you know they kind of hate white people there and it gets old after a while and then you move to uh america where they were not really sought after yeah and to be honest i heard heard the podcast, and you're always talking about Bisbee, and I threw it out as a joke to my wife, Beth. I was like, hey, I hear Bisbee's cool. And she said, sounds great.

Wow, I did that to my wife, and I said Reno. And she went, no, I'm not moving to fucking Reno. I'm not going to be living in Reno. I could have been in Reno. Sorry, Reno. Not all women going to be living in Reno. I could have been in Reno. Sorry, Reno. Not all women have the same sense of humor. She said she wanted warm and dry, and right now she's kind of not as happy about her decision

because it's been cold. And what? So you moved here based on the podcast. Yeah. Let's go back to that. Back to what you said initially. In a weird way, you just, you know, I like the podcast. Yeah. Let's go back to that. Back to what you said initially. It's not a weird way. You just, you know, I like the mountains.

My sisters live in Phoenix, so it's three and a half hours away, which is a good distance. Yeah. And I like being by the exit in case shit goes really weird. The Mexican border fire exit. Eight miles away. And it seemed like the thing to do at the time so how did you pick this neighborhood we live in the boring neighborhood for sarah if

you're listening he doesn't live in the boring neighborhood oh i thought you live i live on i live on vista park dude well it's warren well yeah but that's it's not old bisbee that's where all the action to the fucking what walk to the fucking... Action. You know what? You're right. It's not as good as... You live on the Vista? You're a fucking...

You're a muckety-muck. You're a fucking high-dollar man. Dude. I had no idea that you were a fucking mob boss. You called for the gentrification of Bisbee, and now you're surprised when it happens? Yeah, but not by him. You're gentrifying?

You're gentrification. Just look at him. I took Tom to the golf course for a drink because I was showing him the whole loop. Old Bisbee, Saginaw, Lowell. I brought him to Naco, and we always stop at the golf course if we're day drinking or going over to get some illegal medicines over there. And so we stopped by, and I was trying to explain to him

that the golf course is where, like, that's the high dollar people, and they're still the most low-rent people. Kenny golfs at the golf course, and he's a regular. So, yeah. Oh, my God. Castle Rock, Kenny, for Mayor of Bisbee. It's a no-brainer. It's a no-brainer.

So what did you, you get to Bisbee. How did you find a place? Did you do that before you got here? Did you look around? Well, actually, it's known here that things are haunted. And my wife got a job at Douglas Prison right away. She's an RN. And she rented a place on Upper Sims Road, which is just as you come through the tunnel.

And it was haunted as fuck. She had never had anything like that. She's calling me in Hawaii because they wanted her to start right away. And she's like, I ain't staying in this motherfucking house one more night. Amityville Horror. Yeah.

And so we ended up seeing... Nobody warned her about tweakers? It was just tweakers. Or raccoons. How was it haunted? How was it haunted? You'd have to ask Beth, because I was still in Hawaii trying to sell our stuff.

But she said she was lifted up in the middle of the night and spun around. That sounds like tweaking. And she has never done anything like that. She's an RN. Did the ghost say, I can't come in this position? I don't know. Bring her over for a show. I don't know. I found it strange. Bring her over for a show.

I want to see that. Well, when you say this town is known to be haunted, any town that touts itself with ghost tours like Bisbee does and haunted this and that means they have nothing else to promote. So you can say anything is the spot of a UFO sighting, a haunted thing, anything superstitious as a last resort for tourism. Ghost tours franchises that package.

They just need someone to be interested in, and they look up the demographic. What's your tourism? Let me talk to someone in tourism. They find out what the numbers are that run through it and they go, we've been crunching the numbers. We think we could basically sell that we're haunting Let me throw to Tom

Konopka, Las Vegas, Nevada. Do they have a lot of ghost tours? Oh my God. Endless. No, they really do. I do. All the tours. It's mob tours and yeah yeah they that's a big business this is where bugsy siegel got whacked this is absolutely oh that's death tours i'm saying they don't have to rely on oh it's haunted no whenever somebody died you can claim there's a

ghost yeah where there's a million people walking by every day you can get some people to walk in and pay the money it's a later chapter in a marketing course, but it's a fucking chapter. Just the dead hookers alone. Yeah, but if you go up north, all those good springs and Ash Springs, Alamo, all these old they were all like

Goldfield. Goldfield, every one of them. It's the haunted courthouse, all that bullshit. I'm saying it's places like that. He moved from Kauai, where you're not laying on the beach getting a tan. The garden waves, and they go, oh, you want to see the haunted wave tour? Yeah. A lot of great surfers have died. They probably would.

It's the garden aisle. It's not the haunted garden aisle. There's other things to do in Vegas or Kauai. And just there. There's other things to do in Vegas or Kauai. And just... In Kauai, they kill real lizards because they think that they eat a mystical lizard that doesn't exist. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, Mr. Mayor Happy birthday to you Hello, Derek. Hello. We're waiting for you to close this podcast so we can watch some football. Evidently, the New York football, who I was going to bet,

bingo hit a skid. She went 5-0 after her accident talking to Angels, and then she hit a two-loss losing streak. We'll get her pick of the week. I'll tweet it. But right now I was going to bet that the Giants win the Super Bowl. This is week 15. I think the Giants are going to be the ones who ruin Super Bowl Sunday.

So I'm hoping they lose. I'm hoping they lose out so they don't even make the playoffs because nothing is worse than the Giants winning. I think it's even worse than the Steelers winning, which I would used to say the worst would be the Cowboys winning. Now I'm hoping for the Cowboys Raiders and the Raiders beat them. And I hate the Raiders fans, but I still love the Raiders since Stabler was a quarterback,

but it's a long story. Anyway, Derek, thank you for coming. We're just going around the board with things you love about Bisbee. Compared to us, what are you, five, six years in to Bisbee? Five now. All right. So Jet Lacey was just talking about we cut him off quick because you showed up. It's your birthday.

And fuck you for having a birthday so close to Christmas. It's always fun. Tell people some lady emailed me, but she's one of many uh i'm thinking about moving to bisbee what what do you tell them what what should i avoid what should i do what's good what's bad where should i live where shouldn't i live all the best parts are the parts that some people hate and some people like if you're okay with all the stores being closed after 10 o'clock, it's a great thing. But if you get the munchies at midnight, you're kind of screwed. Well, we're all alcoholics.

Other people can drive to Safeway at midnight, up until midnight. Circle K. Circle K if you're an old Bisbee. No hard liquor at Circle K. Beer and wine only. After two. Oh, no wine. No hard liquor, no wine. No hard

liquor, no wine, just beer. Well, if you live in Bisbee, you start drinking early because there's nothing else to do. You're not going to have a job. First of all, if you're looking to go to Bisbee and have a job, look elsewhere. You're not going to have a job.

Are you independently wealthy? That should be our first question or or like jet and beth she had a job waiting when she came here out and was not deterred by ghosts 25 miles away from here she doesn't have a job here she has a job in douglas yeah granted it's 25 miles without a stoplight there is one but it's always green and so it's an easy 25 miles without a stoplight. There is one, but it's always green. So it's an easy 25 miles. But a lot of people would frown on driving 25 miles each way back and forth to work. But driving 25 miles and no traffic is fucking nothing.

It's 25 minutes. Exactly. I think you guys are forgetting that you're driving 25 miles with no traffic to be an rn to people who are incarcerated it's a job probably not the fucking greatest thing in the world but it's a job it's a job in town it's a fucking fantastic and that job's not going away right but i don't you're talking about traffic fuck traffic i don't know my point being is like tucson's 45 minutes the other way 25 miles in traffic it could be two hours depending on what freeway you got to get on in la it could you could my my sister-in-law did it for years she drove an hour and a half each way

to work and then went to work and uh anytime.A. Maybe that would actually soothe Chad Shank's road rage is to make him drive a five-day work week in L.A. and then come back to Sierra Vista where one time one guy's a dick. We were talking about this before. It would actually just speed up the fucking end of things because I don't understand. Because Knopka was talking about homeless people in new jersey and i was like do these people not have a suicide function who

remains homeless in new jersey and doesn't just commit suicide i'm comfortable and i want to commit suicide all the time and that's when i realized i think i'm just kind of a pussy about things like i couldn't live in an apartment because I would murder somebody else. That's the amount of horribleness. Not that I couldn't live in New York City. I couldn't live in an apartment building because I would murder another person within a week. That's the fucking horribleness that is my existence.

So, yeah. Welcome to Bisbee. Let's close on Derek. Derek, how is your life going? Your hair is poofy and bouffantish. Fantastic. Your hair looks like it's in the holiday spirit. I'm growing it out in the winter and then cutting it short in the summer when it's hot.

All right. How's your life? Good. Everything good? Just got back from Tucson celebrating my birthday with Bree. We had a couple of days in a hotel, a couple of fancy steak restaurants, and some good oysters, some really good oysters. Yeah, I've been having a good time.

Last week's been pretty much my birthday celebration at home. Nice. And you're how old? I'm in my 40s. All right, but it's not a round number. Bingo had a birthday party that she hasn't even gotten yet we had the big 40 last year yeah and but you celebrated

41 yeah I was glad to have a great party for my 40th and I don't need another one until I'm 50 if I make it that far well good well happy birthday we're happy to see you occasionally what do you got Chaley well we did the thank you's earlier but then Well, good. Well, happy birthday. Thanks. We're happy to see you occasionally.

What do you got, Chaley? Well, we did the thank yous earlier, but then Chad opened his second box, and this is... I thought you were going to say his big fat mouth. Hi-oh. That's been the last couple of podcasts. I feel like I was quieter on this one. Well, this is a very fun house Christmas podcast. More Christmassy feel. i wanted to fuck that all

up because you were talking about your letters from people that were nice to you and i get those too but then sometimes i get stuff like this that's better it says uh my dearest would and it's on a new text document which is still fucking imprinted in the top, which is funny, I guess. It's like it's on a word processor from 20 years ago. It says, my dearest Chad. Smell it. Does it smell like mimeograph paper? I might smell it. It smells like a detention slip.

My dearest Chad, I stole this from the chapel in the Mountain Home VA Medical Center, Mountain Home, Tennessee. I am sending it. This is a chalice that he stole. It's a gold chalice. Holy grail. I've considered stealing from other chapels and places too,

but I wasn't ballsy enough to do it. So this guy was. He says, me just before the SWAT team breaches the door and sends a wall of hot lead into your body. That is great. And I would like to say to Jake in Tennessee that I'll do that when I go out in a fiery blaze

of fucking hot blood. I'll fucking do that for you. God damn it, a blaze of glory. That was funny. That's classic. Thank you, sir. Yeah, keep your emails coming. If we do respond, that's all we got. We don't have more.

We can't remember the friends we have. We can't remember the friends that we are. It's Christmas, and we're just happy to be here. We're happy that you're here. We're happy that Derek's here on his birthday that's too close to Christmas. Tom Konopka's here going blind slowly. Chad Shank is

going sane more slowly. Chaley I haven't seen in a month it seems because we were night shift and he's working day shift and Tracy is still pouring drinks we love you castle rock kenny is looking as tweaky as ever jet lacy is a new blood just

like sarah might be with her boyfriend and uh thank you we will periscope on christmas morning thank you impractical jokers see them I think it's still Thursday nights. Thank you, especially Sal Volcano and Quinn, all the Impractical Jokers fans that sent us packages to open on Christmas morning. We will Periscope that. My Periscope is at Doug Stano. Whatever. However Periscope works.

Hashtag it's Doug Stano. No, it's at Doug Stano. All right, good. Get the Periscope on. Hashtag it's Doug Stanhope. No, it's at Doug Stanhope. All right, good. Get the Periscope on your phone. Follow him there. Oh, and play my new special, No Place Like Home. It's now on a bunch of shit. It's on all the streaming services,

and you can still get autographed copies at DougStanhope.com. Yeah, that's the CD. The DVD will come out in february but for christmas just make your family watch it when everyone's awkward well grandma she wouldn't appreciate that comedy and we don't want to get to go oh everyone loves doug stanhope's christmas special no place like home we're all home now. Let's watch. If you can do that and film yourself with a straight face

with your family watching behind you, this is your mission. That's it. Film your – it's like two girls, one cup. Exactly. Film your family that will not appreciate my special. Cue it up to whatever point. They're not going to sit through the whole thing. I say right before ISIS.

Whatever it is. There's a bit for someone. Uncle Bob is a Vietnam vet. Cue it up to that and play that on Christmas Day. And the best one will win a bunch of shit. How about that? There you go. Killer Termites, you have a Christmas mission. and the best one will win a bunch of shit. How about that? Literally. There you go.

Killer Termites, you have a Christmas mission. Two girls, one cup of No Place Like Home with your family on Christmas Day. If the Christmas tree is in the background, that's a bonus. All right, there you go. Got that. Good night.

Thank you. Merry Christmas from the Funhouse. Merry Christmas to all. Merry Christmas to all. And Merry Christmas from the Bun House. Merry Christmas to all. Merry Christmas to all. And play Christmas from the Batoy. Motherfuckers. Get out of here. Where the fuck is this thing?

Christmas candles flying in the air While dad is beating the shit out of mommy children by the Christmas tree are singing songs of dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog

dog dog dog dog dog it's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Trailer home is burning down Mom is dying on the ground Children in the backyard

Are singing songs of Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun It's Christmas time. It's Christmas time. Daddy's in the death row Mommy's singing with the angel choir Children in the orphanage

Are singing song, song It's Christmas time It's Christmas time Let's sing with the children Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun It's Christmas time It's Christmas time It's Christmas time

Merry Christmas