The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #189: The Vodka Barn Podcast

Episode Date: January 19, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Doug continues to write his next book while vodka keeps piling up at the gates of the compound. Tom & Chaille watch the birds, Doug just loves penguins and Hennigan can't stand any of it. Jobi has an update on Celebrity Death Pool petitions. And, another Vegas story time with Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka) .Join Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool at DSCDP.comRecorded Jan 17, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Brian Hennigan (@MrHennigan), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Vodkasodaberg", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes.A continued thanks to Sal from the Impractical Jokers (@truTVjokers) for having all the vodka sent to the FunHouse. We are still receiving boxes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Dun-da-da, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- Volcano gag. Now it's almost a gag. Before it was really nice. Now he's going to start a whole telemarketing franchise of thanking his fans for sending us vodka. And we're going to call this the Vodka Barn Podcast. Yes. It's the Doug Stanhope episode something-something-teen or... 189. Eh, whatever.

We'll see if you get it out. I might have a new podcast of my own by then. Hey, we're sponsored today by blue apron.com. Do you want the read now or later? I go with later. Yeah. Later.

Tom Kanopka is here. Brian Hennigan. Yes. The filthy uncut Scotsman is here. Hello. Greg Jaley's here. Brian Hennigan, the filthy uncut Scotsman, is here. Hello. Greg Chaley's here, late. And Bingo Bingaman is in the background, should she have any commentary.

Bingo. Bingo. Oh, the cough's getting worse with the book writing. It's fucking just constant literal chain smoking smoking how much do you smoke when you're writing i don't know i've been just buying just packs by the half dozen i get i get marlboro lights if i have to smoke outside they burn quicker and american spirits for inside you know all you fucking nabobs are away from me yeah i mean i haven't noticed a lack of smoking inside i mean my fucking trousers and everything yeah yeah yeah i'm just saying football we smoke outside for the most part because there's a lot

of oldies uh-huh fred miller you don't smoke when fred Fred Miller's in the building. Out of respect. I don't know why, but I know he hates it. He'd leave. He leaves early if that's the case. I was very respectful to do that because I like it when he's here. Yeah, I enjoy his company. And if I smoke less and I go out to smoke and going out to smoke gets you out of a conversation you don't want to be in. It's such a beautiful thing. Hey, I'll be right back.

I'm going to have a cigarette. And all of a sudden you can ditch out where you non-smoking faggots have to sit there and take a long ear beating about nothing. Until you learn to just say, I'm leaving you. I'm leaving you. I'd rather go outside and endure this conversation it sounds better with his accent that was even flat out

it is a great out i know i have been envious of that in the past i've uh yeah i've sped up my smoking during social occasions oh yeah i'm sorry i'm an addict i gotta go no you're not boring. It's me. I'm the one with the problem. Well, you got a couple months left. Maybe we can go. That'll be the new Sal Volcano.

We'll sponsor that. That'll be truckloads of fucking, what are they, American spirits? Yeah. Can you send them across state lines? Oh, that would be funny. Well, send Sal cigarettes? Send stuff to Sal. Yeah.

But stuff. He's a. Germaphobe. Yeah. Oh, no. OCD. Don't do it. Send him dirty panties or something.

Oh. Men's. Because I don't have a fan base to send otherwise. Yeah. Oh, my God. He's joking. He's joking. He was here for the super bowl a couple years back and he had to have his own bathroom i mean we set it up we set it up that way yeah but we also made him a host piss roulette where he had to squirt oh someone someone's piss into two different people's mouths. Yeah. Wasn't it Quinn's girlfriend? Was it her piss?

Yeah. Former girlfriend. Oh. Okay. Emily. Emily, yes. Yes. Yeah, that was always the rule.

Piss roulette worked where six squirt guns, one has piss, the other five have tequila, and you do Russian roulette against someone. But we always, to make it on the up and up, made sure it was a hot girl's piss. It can't be just some dude's piss. No. No homeless stumble bums piss. No.

At least it was piss from a hot girl. I think a lot of times people played for the wrong reasons. Or all the right reasons. Yeah, hey, maybe... I can't say that. I was going to say, maybe we should have a certain band back to play the Super Bowl. Oh.

Uh-oh. Hmm. Crickets. Five of these squirt guns have the band's piss. Yeah. One has Sousa. Oh, don't be shitty tequila. How much have I bid for the first pistol?

Well, actually, Andy will play both sides. Is he going to play against himself? He asked, and I said, you know what, this Super Bowl is just going to be like any other football Sunday. Just the regulars.

There's no party, no bands, no nothing. Just for playoffs, divisional round, not even championship. It was freezing on Sunday, and there was not enough room in here for just the regulars. To even house it, yeah. So, yeah, a couple people sat out and watched on the outside TV freezing their balls off. I was one of them. I liked it, though, because you're watching Pittsburgh play.

It's freezing there. You're sitting there on the couch watching your breath. Oh, I left for the late game. This was just during the Packers game during the day. Yeah. The mighty Pittsburgh, if you don't mind. Oh, sorry. Is that your team?

Yes. Okay. I got them in the draw. Therefore, my devotion is unequivocal. Your devotion is to whoever is playing against the team everyone's rooting for. Yes. Hennigan's a great prick, Tom.

You haven't seen him at football, but when the seahawks were playing the falcons everyone was seahawks people and brian just walked in and started talking the loudest shit yeah i think i don't think tom needs to see me at football to know i'm a gigantic I think Tom's... He's already read the cliff notes. Yes, he's got them. Very good. He's caught on. Yeah. I won't let out the exact opposite.

Don't blow his cover. The guy's actually fucking great. Shh. No, he's kind of a prick. He's a great prick. He's a prick with the heart. Is that acceptable? I don't know.

There are people that are great at being pricks. Nick DiPaolo springs to mind as the best bitter comic ever. He's so bitter, but so good at it. That's his persona, and you want him to be bitter. You don't just go, oh, you're just bitter. You go, no, be more bitter. I love your bitter it's fucking just miserable all the time and fantastic at it people say that to me all the

time hey uh i i love your stuff i don't always agree with you well then fuck you because i mean it yeah but nick depaula is one of those guys those you know where yeah i think that there's an old bit where he's talking about animal testing on animals medical testing on animals and he uh winds it up with uh and i'm sorry if uh i destroy this but he goes listen if hooking up a pair of jumper cables to a monkey's brain cures aids i got two things to say red is positive black is negative you know i'm completely against animal testing i'd say test on prisoners but uh... Hmm, that's very interesting. Except Innocence Project is my biggest default.

Yeah, there's too many wrongly accused. So now all of a sudden, not only were you pegged a rapist because some girl had buyer's remorse when she came home with a fucking condom slinking out of her tailpipe and her boyfriend that she'd forgotten about she was enamored with your fucking jokes now all of a sudden you're a rapist because she doesn't want to tell the truth and now you have jumper cables in your brain i'm against that so there's a lot of variables there's an australian philosopher called peter singer who argues

very vociferously about who you should test it on and he says and he does a very coherent argument for saying, breaking down using animals and saying well, by all these standards, then you should actually just test it on mentally handicapped people. Wow.

Because when you break down why it's okay to test it on animals, it will end up a definition that's remarkably similar to being a mental health. Those are the bits that I look for, where I don't necessarily have a point, but I can say, well, all right, if you're going to say that, then you agree to this. Yes.

And that way I'm in the clear because I don't have an opinion. I'm just making both sides of you fight each other and then I slink out the back door. Exactly. You sort of throw that little hand grenade in the conversation. He is right. All the mental patients that are listening to the podcast right now

are shivering at that suggestion. Well, that's bingo and she's right by the door. Hi-oh! Then again, one or two of them who've never had MAC cosmetics are quite excited. This is their chance to get that lip gloss they've always wanted. But if you gave someone the option, hey, because I think, if I had the choice between prison and medical testing,

yeah, I'd go with the medical testing for sure. I think that's far less cruel and unusual should be in the eye of the observer like beauty. Yes. Yeah, but someone's going to spray perfume in your eyes? I mean, that's... If you don't mind that. Well, you don't know.

You can't tell them in advance. Everyone would line up for the ice cream tasting and no one would get the ball punch. It's like incentive-based eugenics. If you gave them a choice, if you gave someone a choice, hey, you can participate in this program. We're going to send you like a monkey into space. We don't know if you'll ever come back.

Or you can just fend for your life. I know you're a mixed breed, so you don't know what gang affiliation you should take in prison, so you just huddle in the corner of a shower underneath a blanket for your entire stay or get perfume sprayed in your face. Absolutely. I mean, I know I would not survive prison.

Prison wouldn't survive you, motherfucker. Yeah. Yeah, that's the way I sold the parole board. Who's that boy over there reading Smartfuck magazine? He could be a jailhouse lawyer. That's true. I could be the jailhouse lawyer. Yeah, you would be like Andy Dufresne.

I could be King Rat. Yeah, yeah. Great film. Oh, no, he just dropped your favorite film. Which one? Andy Dufresne. Of course. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Great film. Oh, no, he just dropped your favorite film. Which one? Andy Dufresne. Of course. Yeah.

Certainly. That would be you, absolutely. Dufresne. Oh, yes. Party of Two. Yes. Oh, my God. What a great movie. Shush.

Fuck. Indeed. Henning, what have you been doing other than drinking our careers under the table like I'm supposed to be? We're supposed to be good cop, bad cop on this. Yeah, I know. Things are going swimmingly. Swimming in a vat of vodka.

Yeah. Thanks, impractical jokers. I've just been... I suppose something that's interesting is... I've just been, I suppose something that's interesting is, I wasn't here for the review of 2016, okay? But 2016 was a very eventful year. Right.

Okay. And I think what I've now realized is that if you just accept that everything's just going to be a shit show from now on, then everything's going to be fine. Yeah, you don't have to write this book. Oh, I know. I know you everything's going to be fine. Yeah. You don't have to write this book. Oh, I know. I know you don't have to write that. You just have to book the shit show. I know. I know.

And watch it collapse. Yeah. So, yeah. What do you want me to say? Oh, I was just saying, what have you been up to? I'm trying to lead into you. Oh, I see. I assume you guys have some stories do i do i have do we have stories i don't know hang on a minute let me pull up my ever notes hang on see if there's anything in here that's

coherent and broadcastable uh oh wow um patricia nelson had an enormous meltdown on the sidewalk Oh, wow. Patricia Nelson had an enormous meltdown on the sidewalk outside her apartment building last week. But other than that... What type? Her car got ticketed the week before, because it's not running. She couldn't move it. So in the week in between the ticket for street cleaning, she couldn't move it. So in the week in between the ticket for street cleaning,

she didn't move it. And the guy came back and gave her another ticket, and she had an enormous meltdown on the sidewalk. At the guy and at the world in general. Included memorable phrase being shouted out, I've broken my favorite coffee mug. Now that's a meltdown. What did she think was going to happen? He was's gonna come by and see this car go oh i got her last week we'll let this one yeah don't ask

me i don't live on that side of the apartment building okay wrong wrong side of the tracks yeah exactly but somehow you're close enough that you could hear well oh listen people people could hear it at fucking Midtown LA. This was not a small meltdown. She doesn't have a small voice. You know, fucking Bob, the apartment manager, had to come out and calm things down. Yeah, it was pretty intense.

Wow. The only cause for enormous regret was that it was one of the few times that both Brett and Kerry missed it because Brett was away doing comedy and, and Kerry had been out living up to like 7am or whatever and was, had only just gone to bed. So she missed it. You guys, both the Hannigan and the Bretchells have that thing where they can sleep

till 12, one o'clock in the afternoon. Only if I'm fucking hammered the night before or something. I know, but we get hammered the night before too, and I'm still up at between 5 and 7 in the morning. That's why you're cantankerous. That contributes, I'd definitely say. Doug, when you go down down aside from some of the

some of the times when you do actually wake up after you've taken an ambien or xanax then you'll continue to drink but usually you go down and you stay down for a period of time well last night i think i was in bed by nine o'clock at night i I know I texted bingo for a ride four blocks. I was that drunk. Four quiet, darkened blocks with no children playing. And I, nah, I'll just still to be safe. That was at 7.48 I texted for a ride. So I was definitely down by nine.

Woke up at 2.30. Fuck. Then try to go back to bed. Now do I take a sleeping pill, which I did, and then slept off and on until nine. But I'm up every two hours. What's on TV? Oh, I put on a movie.

I wake up to the credits. Then commercials wake me up. I have to sleep to HBO or Showtime. Something with no commercials. Commercials wake me up. Because they're always louder than the program. And fucking awful, because it's 4.30 in the morning. I imagine how many people hated me for Girls Gone Wild infomercials,

where they fell asleep to something nice and woke up to show me where babies feed! You want to look at tits? There's a good time to look at tits! Yeah, I'm not a good sleeper. I need to take sleepers in the middle of the night.

What do you take? Just over-the-counter stuff? Fucking completely underrated. Yeah, I know. And they're cheap. Dollar store, you can usually get them. Yeah. Yeah. That's on the road.

I have to sleep on the road hard and not wake up because we've got stuff to do. But here, I'm up all night. We have talked about it. up because uh you know we've got stuff to do but you know i'm up all night but you know i mean we have we have talked about you this is the sleep pattern you describe is more that's more like a natural sleep pattern you know before the invention of the clock there's no such thing as a good eight hour sleep it's a completely made up or the invention of work yeah exactly in a building yeah the industrialized society career type work not or something like that. You should sleep four hours, like two things of four hours.

They used to get up after four hours and then have a meal. That's right, and do things and then go back to bed. Have you tried that? Inadvertently, yes. I'll wake up filled with ongoing crisis in my head and then do stuff and then I'll collapse at some point. The problem is you can't sustain it because everyone else isn't doing it.

Exactly. That's the point. The other fuckers are bringing us down. Yeah, those bastards. Fucking morning radio. That's why we have to do morning radio as comedians is because all you assholes have to sit in traffic from 6.30 to 8.30

to get to work for nine and that's when you're listening to radio because why else would you tell me the last radio broadcast you listened to at home in the living room like it was fucking war of the worlds and the family huddled around tuned it in. Mercury Theater presents. Hey, Gracie, I've got something for you. Oh, Judge. That is weird. That is kind of like the way they they pitched the whole radio thing

is that people have their rapt attention to listen to you talk about your gig coming up at the local place and that's why it's so out of it's all comedy or it was i don't know if terrestrial radio exists or anyone listens to it wherever you are the listener. But it was funny in the morning, and then drive time on the way home, people tuned in to AM Angry Talk Radio because they're pissed off. They want to, I just need a good laugh on the way to work, and by the end of the work day,

they want to listen to fucking, you know, Tom Likethead. Yeah, that's a good example. Another caller, what do you think about the Republican-Democrat fucking... So yeah, it was all angry AM talk. Or just straight up music. It used to be different though in the 70s because in LA it was Frasier Smith and he had an afternoon drive comedy based.

Drive time? Yeah, Fras smith on i think it's a k-me-t or k-l-o-s that's why we've never heard of it but then it's what it switched like in the 80s it went it went right down to like six in the morning to nine or ten and that was all the the shock jocks but the interesting thing is that the podcast boom is bringing back the concept of listening to things. Because that was what died out, was not the radio went away, but the idea of oh, we should listen to something went

away, as opposed to watching it. And what the podcasting is bringing that concept back, so there could actually be a resurgence in radio once people who are young and hip catch on to the idea, oh, we could listen to radio. Yeah, that's very interesting.

Well, if you could, you would have to be able to pause it. Yes. I mean, the beauty of the podcast is it's at your leisure. You can listen to whatever, whenever. Yeah, jump in it and jump out at your leisure. But again, that's an adjustable technology thing, so it could happen. Fuck radio, man.

Whoa. Fuck that. Whoa. We were having a back and forth there and then suddenly fuck radio kicking and screaming and and now like the guy who uh hired chad to do some voiceover stuff he ran out of fucking places to go and now he decides to do a podcast you know i mean a lot of the smarter people that i knew in radio fucking left radio a long time ago to do something else. I remember around the death knell of radio, whenever that was, but I was playing Reno and did drive time. It was like 7 p.m. radio.

The shit you used to listen to in the 70s when you were a kid and you'd call in a long distance dedication shout out could you play air supply for my girl that i met at the roller rink the roller rink so i'm doing is that hour like seven o'clock ish i a full hour, and he's doing, it was that antiquated. He was doing a local, like, battle of the bands thing. Or vote for your favorite song. Is it this band or is it this band? And call in, and that started the hour. And only one person for the entire hour I was doing breaks called, and it was a personal call for the DJ.

Not a fucking person. not a single person i'm going how am i selling tickets by doing this yeah yeah if if you can't even get 14 year old girls to call in no no one's no one's listening or. Or you'd every night get the same one or two people just fucking calling back and forth, back and forth. And it was like, no one's listening. Or no one's really engaging. And that was the problem. Dougie, what about the requests, the music requests you did at American Distrib?

When Tom and I were doing telemarketing, dude, outside in the common area, they would play whatever local rock and roll station. I forget the name now. Like piped in? Yeah, it was just on the radio. KLVX. Something like that.

Yeah, it was like universities where that all came from, usually, for UNLV. No, it was rock and roll, because I remember I would call and request, you dropped a bomb on me by the Gap Band. That's right. And they'd go, this is a rock and roll station. I'd go, yeah, yeah, let's rock out with some of that Gap Band.

You dropped a bomb on me, baby. And then they'd finally just hang up on me. But I remember making a non-request because they would regularly play Marrakesh Express. I don't know even. Endlessly. Yeah. Crosby stills in there. Is it?

Yeah, yeah. It's a fucking horrible song, but they'd play it all the time. Every other day, Marrakesh Express. Do you know we're riding on the Marrakesh Express. Hey, can I make a non-request? Can I request you don't play Marrakesh Express today? Can I not send that out to my ex-wife?

Yes, you do. Yeah, I don't think I've ever called in for the request to our radio show. Well, they didn't have phones when you were young. That's true. Or radio. That's true. We had the rotary dial.

I only recently got ears. Two Dixie Cups and a string. Yep. Bruce across the street. You haven't met Bruce yet. But when Bingo and I had first moved in here, he sent me an email request to some kind of AOL chat live. It's kind of like a Skype something.

I don't know what it was, where you can talk over the internet. I'm like, he's right there. If there was an open window in the front, you could break out his front window with a rock without really hurting your arm. Yeah. You're back to the Carol Burnett show with the Mrs. Huygens. Well, that's what I said.

I can hear you. One of those gags we never get around to doing was I was going to reply to it with a Dixie cup and strings from his door to my door with a note, your invitation has been accepted. But we never did it. I think you're talking about before texting and all this stuff that we do take it for granted now, there was a Yahoo Messenger and AOL Messenger.

And that might have been it because you could have that direct connect. Whatever it was, obviously, I didn't understand it. It showed up in my email that, hey, we can talk to your neighbor, Bruce. What? Yeah. Yell at him. Hey, Bruce, did you send me this? You yell at him.

We could yell to him without opening a door or a window. Oh, my God. If you... Yeah, no, no, no. The voice, everything carries in this valley. Hey, Bruce! Yeah. Oh my God. If you... Yeah, no, no, no. The voice, everything carries in this valley. Hey, Bruce! Yeah. There he is.

I got a present. Oh, geez. Oh, here it is. Yeah. A drum roll. Yeah. This was given to me the other day. It says,

Happy New Year from the Audubon Society. The Audubon Society is, I gather, America's foremost bird appreciation grouping. Without a doubt. So, I'm quite excited. I don't often get presents when I come to Bisbee.

Look what it is, people! It's a Yeti Rambler 20 ounce tumbler. Wow. It's like i've won a prize that that's from the audubon society apparently yes it was given to me by greg chaley after him and tom kanopka had been foraging for birds in the nearby san pedro you know sewer a riparian belt riparian belt and this keeps your drink now here's the question i've got because you've you've extolled the virtues of the yeti rambler containers for a while chaley and my fear is that they keep things too warm yes like i don't want to pour coffee in

here and half an hour later still be waiting for it to get cold that i can take a sip is it going to be one of those situations is this basically a transcontinental mug like you need to be going on some sort of a crossing state lines six hour yeah yeah okay sure it is i mean obviously if it's keeping something very cold yes it does i burned my mouth the first time i drank hot out of there yeah it burned your mouth well i i waited what I thought was a requisite amount of time for it to cool down. I see. I got turned on to these from the band Black Pussy. I see. Who?

The band Black Pussy. Hey, who's here to give this podcast an infusion of energy but Joby from this Doug Stanhope celebrity death pool. He's here. Joby. Joby. You take your time. Get yourself a cocktail. This Roman.

Well, I would like to say thank you to the Audubon Society of America for this gift. I look forward to. So tell us about your ramble. The little thing that you two went on your little date oh yeah uh chaley took uh tom out you want to go see the cranes lift off you want to go down to the san pedro and look for barn swallows whatever yeah that's basically what happened yeah so you want to wait listen you actually went on a guided fucking tour well yes well that's basically what happened. Yeah. Bar and small home. Wait, listen. You actually went on a dated fucking tour.

Well, yes. Well, that's the problem. You can go down to the fucking San Pedro and take the dogs and they go batshit with a little tiny river. They're so scared of water because they never see it that they treat it like, you know, the first time you throw your cat in a snow pile if you live in New England, and they go batshit. Yeah, you could do that. Or you could leave the dogs at home and take a guided tour by old ladies that ramble on

and on. And that's what Chaley likes to do. Oh, they were sweet. It was great, right, Tom? Well, it was great. The whole thing was is that we can definitely, I would love to go back with the dogs, but not with the guide. But this was reconnaissance. You can't.

Tom loves everything. There's something wrong with the guy. He's happy to meet people. He loves to hear their stories. And he just killed himself last night. What happened? It's every week they do this at like 9 in the morning. It really was great.

On a Sunday morning. On a Sunday morning. On a Saturday morning. And the people that come there are, there's usually, there was one lady who clearly was there because this is the only time she gets to talk to people. She had no interest in what we were doing. She was just hooking up with someone to talk, which you're supposed to be watching.

And the perfume. The mammals, the birds. The mammals? I was trying to write a bit about this, but I was too angry in the moment. But one of Bingo's many speech therapists over the last month, not one she's with now, which she's very happy with, but was one of those people that knew that she had you locked as an audience by her occupation. so what she could

have done in 15 minutes she tried to put on this kind of bird watching tour of her own and i know and she had her own barbs that you knew she used with every new client and And here's the thing. Stop trying to force your personality and unwanted social conversations into a medical visit. Just say what you're saying. But I know what you're saying. You had this as a tour guide or was this just someone on the tour? This was someone on the tour, but she is a repeat customer. But she had no interest in what was – she'd get up ahead with the person she's talking to and she'd look back like, let's go.

It's like, this isn't a race. We're trying to see the things around us. It's being explained by the volunteer. She was saying, let's go. Are we going to get done with this? The body language. She's chewing the gum. She was from Long Island. Long Island and the freaking perfume.

It was freaking ridiculous. The birds were flying like a lady grandma powder yeah it was horrible it was horrible but the rest were absolutely there was a couple from i didn't like her dog montreal there was a couple other people one one other person was decked out so she was i guess in train or something but tom get just slides right into any kind of conversation with anyone. And he had everyone cracking up. He would wait.

There would be some, oh, there's the green-tailed tohi. Everyone's looking at it. And then Tom would say something. Just fucking everyone starts busting up. You have to bite your tongue on some of these things. Because it really was something to see. I went on that freaking ghost tour that was an impossibility i had to bite my tongue for an hour and a half the bisbee it was great the bisbee ghost tour and i'm sure we talked about any town that doesn't really have a selling point for tourists

is haunted all of a sudden everything's hot they have a ghost tour yeah so tom went on the ghost tour to avoid football which i don't blame him at all actually it was it was a great thing at night to see i just wanted to see what old bisbee was like lit up while the christmas lights you know it's still beautiful but all those walks behind all those houses because i was always looking where the fuck where these houses how do you access these the step we get a thousand steps but they're endless thousands but then all the stories and the people it was about a dozen of them and i could tell most of the people there were buying it bisbee is like a rube goldberg contraption if a silver ball had feet and could climb the words right out of my mouth.

No, but it was great. But the whole... Have you been on it, Shayla? No. I mean, I wasn't going there intended. How do you sneer at that? When you went along to see a thing about fucking bush warblers.

Bush warblers. Well, we saw the great blue heron. We did. Oh. We did. Who decided it was great? The heron, I bet. No, it was. Who decided it was great? The heron? I bet.

No, it was the green. What was it? The tohi. The tohi. The green-tailed tohi. The green-tailed tohi. Birds are the least interesting animals in the animal kingdom. It wasn't just birds. I used to be an ornithologist when I was a kid, and I fucking regret every second of it.

Ornithologist. Acquitting? No, I was fucking doing it. I was in the British fucking Ornithological Trust. I was in the RSPB. Fucking birds, they're so fucking boring. That's why he hates his own homosexuality so vehemently.

Penguins are good. Hi-oh. I can't fault a penguin. No, go back to the swallows. Did you ever see a penguin shit? Stop. A penguin shit. i used that analogy as though other people have seen it but one of the few times i've been to a zoo a penguin shits like a redneck spits tobacco chew in a a farcical movie where just arcing where you could hit 10 feet away

and it just is arcing wet arcing shits arcing wet shots so i i appreciate the penguin yeah i don't see how you cannot appreciate a penguin they had a couple of penguins at the hilton hawaiian village in honolulu i thought you're gonna say the say the San Pedro. I was going to go fuck yourself. Yeah, and they were chewing tobacco. We should be those tourists that go to fucking Antarctica and steal a penguin like they get alligators and smuggle them back

from fucking Florida Everglades and put penguins down at the San Pedro just to fuck with people. Or just get a couple of penguin outfits and step out from behind a bush like trigger happy tv yeah yeah yeah no but no but if you put uh you know in this weather a penguin could live for a while a while that's conceivable penguins lived in hawaii and it would be like the new york alligator story where a penguin came up through my toilet and bit my balls.

Urban legend of Bisbee. And that would be more true than a fucking ghost tour that Tom went on. Back to your ghost tour. But the funny thing about it, as I'm listening to it, I'm just visualizing. Because I was on my way home. The mining museum where Uphill Dave was,

there was 20 people standing there it's late at night and it was cold as fuck and i i said what is this is this you're going to church i had uh a nice little uh light that mr hennigan gifted me so i was illuminating yeah i was illuminating your dead eye and your mag light knowing that you shouldn't drive after dark but it's dark but you get your mag light in the other eye. Yeah, but you visualize. I'm picturing because it's a set pattern where they go. You have to picture because you can't see. I know.

But now I have the illumination. It would be great to set it up where people could jump out and people could be behind and really make it an animated ghost tour. A legal situation. Yeah, just a little bit. But it's the sheet. You could make it a huge liability. Yeah, it's the sheet. You can make it a huge liability. Yeah, it's the sheet.

Just a little imagination. We'll lie to them and scare them to death. Yeah. It is funny. They're so... They pretend to believe it. Some of them do. They sell it.

Yeah, the whole thing is a complete sell. No, the person guiding the tour, yeah. Oh, no, no. They don't believe shit. Oh, no, no. They've got the workup. they've got the fucking the sheet they have a script like this no no no i know she believe me she had all these pictures if you look in the window past the mirror and then see the reflection in the mirror past the window what do you see and the people are like what the fuck are you talking about it's a rorschach test it's the little kid

he was there in 1924 when the building burned down it's all i see yeah It's a Rorschach test. It's the little kid. He was there in 1924 when the building burned down. Oh, I see it. I see it. Yeah, that's a pure suggestion. Yeah, if you blur your eyes. Yeah, it's back to that.

It is. Mr. Magoo. I was the only one with the light and it was in the darkness so she's passing out these things. No one has lights

and I'm moving it around like a strobe. Oh yeah, I can see it. Oh, there he is. It's Jeremiah. That's actually the guy's name. If you drink this tincture, this tincture,

that has not been accredited by the FDA and signed this waiver, eventually you're going to see something in that mirror. But Charlie's talking about wiring, Tom, not for drug dealing purposes. No, okay. But because he wants to sort of capture these magnificent conversation

Tom has with people with peeps it is fun if you follow at Tom Konopka on Twitter at real Tom Konopka because there's some fucking asshole Tom Konopka out there who's all like

thank you for clarifying I'm saving it for something it does look different at night though but no Tom does videotapes of Bisbee

little short chunks of videos it was for me I'm going blind but follow at real Tom Konopka K-O-N-O-P-K-A

and yeah see see Tom's Bisbee that I've never seen, nor would I. Yeah, you said I've seen more of it in one month than you have in 11.5 years. He's like the coochie Studs Terkel.

No, no, no. Oh, I like that one. What was the other guy's name? Huell Hauser? Huell Hauser. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never even heard of the guy, but now I looked him up. Oh, fantastic.

Yeah, wow. Travels with Tommy. But someone suggested Walking the Dogs with Tom. He showed me one of his early videos of Walking the Dogs where we tell him where we walked the dogs, and I'm like, this is like the old story about my mother showing me pictures of her cats while the cats are right there look out the window and see that tom they're right there but no he's giving commentary

which he's already giving me while he shows me the video we can back to the video part Tracy just showed up. Hey. Now we have an audience of people not listening. Clearly she's waiting for her wandering warrior to come home. Oh, my God. Last night when she showed up, I was ready to leave. And then she started pouring shots.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Last night. Yeah. Last night was a night. Yeah. A great night. ready to leave and then she started pouring shots yeah oh my god yeah last night i got her a hand yeah last night was a night yeah a great night dog you go at 7 45 that's like when like regular people start drinking yeah but yeah but i'm writing a book i know i know also right he's also been awake since seven yeah oh that's exactly he wakes up drinking and writing and yeah seven that's his midnight.

Well, I just don't usually drink at four in the afternoon. And that's why it happens later. Go ahead, Doug. Yeah. You're not writing a book. You're right. There it is, yeah. And I have to write the next day, so I can't hang out with you guys. And I don't feel like I missed out ever.

I just come in early, and you shuffle out of doors and rooms and places going, ah, fuck. So, yeah. Like a grumpy ghost tour. I want to stay later, but I go home knowing I have to write

and then wake up going, oh, I'm glad i only was writing drunk rather than drinking drunk yeah i didn't even see the end of that i went home for the end of the pittsburgh chiefs game sunday yeah yeah and i was asleep by the time it was over no did you i think you called me last night and you tried to explain something to me and then you just gave up you called me last night okay so he was on it he got up for a little while and i could not understand what you were saying i'm like i'm not even gonna i i it would be like writing down like words out of gibberish. Then you finally

realized that you didn't know where it was going. He said, I'm just going to stop. I remember what you said. We'll talk about it later. What was it regarding? Writing. Of course.

With me, it was something else. You're going to do that thing. There were no real nouns it was like you were just talking about like we had just hung up the phone and you were gonna continue the conversation I still don't know what it was don't know that's the problem when you take

Xanax to sleep you go okay I went right to sleep no there was a few beats between sleep and memory. We go, eh, I might have made a few phone calls. But not ambient bad. No, no, no, ambient bad.

And then also, I mean, I was saying the other night, I thought I had gone to bed, and when I was talking to you the next day, I had this sudden recollection of ordering a lot of Lego sets online. And true enough, that's what I did. You did? Yeah. Okay.

The architecture ones, not the dumb ones for kids. Oh, yeah. You know, the Batmobile. The Frank Lloyd Wright, the ritzy ones. All that time that you have working on my career, you could be making Legos. Not the dumb kind, the kind that take a lot of time. The Hearst Mansion. The Hearst Mansion would be a good one.

Oh, you're booked at the Hearst Mansion. Oh, was that just a fantasy while I was building? Here's a replica of you walking up the steps of the Hearst Mansion. Your head's quite blocky. But you're remarkably resilient to wind. Legos are not aerodynamic whatsoever. No, but they're stuck to the fucking board, though, so they don't fall over.

Oh, I see. If the planet was like that, we'd all get along much better. At some point, I had a couple thank yous written down on a blue pad that Chaley moved to put all his rainbow-colored gatherings. You asked me to bring those books.

I know, but I had a blue pad. It had a blue notepad. Not when I came in. It wasn't there. Oh. No. Oh. Yeah, that's it.

Oh, wow. Right next to your drink. No, Kenny brought... He took my pad to figure out because the whole blind draw pool got fucked up, so he used my pad. Alright. Retabulate it. Hi Amy, enjoy your gift from

Seth Brashears. Now, here's the problem. I pulled this out and put this in the podcast notepad but I didn't write down what the gift was. Oh wait, it's the harmonica. Someone sent Bingo a turquoise harmonica.

Oh, that's cool. It was very nice. And she forgot where she put it, evidently, or I'd be waking up to it every morning. Thank you, Bingo and Seth Brashears, for sending and forgetting. Brian. Oh, I have a note for Brian.

Oh, Lee and Houston. Yeah, gotcha. Wink. It says, I have a note from when you first got here about the Trump confirmation hearing. That's the note. Brian, Trump confirmation hearing. You were really fucked up that night. Oh, fuck. Oh, he's the note. Brian, Trump confirmation hearing. You were really fucked up that night.

Oh, fuck. Oh, he had the coffee. The vodka coffee. Yeah, I was pretty drunk. Yeah, you showed up drunk. I showed up drunk because Derek picked me up at the airport and I was already drunk when I got on the plane in fucking LA and it didn't get better.

And then I made him stop to get a half bottle of that new Amsterdam vodka which I then poured into coffee that I made him stop at a number of 7-Elevens or Circle K's on the way back. How do you buy a half bottle? Because that's what they sell in the Circle K at the airport. A half bottle?

Do you not call it a half bottle? Well no, I would assume a half bottle means it's half full. Yeah, you bought a full bottle that's a smaller size. It wasn't a 750 mil. Exactly, it was like 37.5 mil. Yeah, like a pint. Yeah. Alright. Like a flat, like a traveler bottle.

Makes it sound like our local convenience stores sell you stuff that they found in the rubbish that no one finished. Yeah. Well, okay. Well, I think, anyways, a half bottle. Drink it down to the line. Yes. And then give it back.

Like the nephew from Caddyshack was drinking half drinks. Or Bingo eating half chocolates. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know if we ever did thank the person that sent Bingo these very exquisite chocolates that had artwork done into the chocolate. And she just ate half of one a bite off. The size of a Thin Mint, you know, whatever that brand. That's what that was.

Yeah. And she just bit off the quarter of it to see if they were caramel. There's probably 36 in a box. And every one of them had a bite taken out because she wanted caramel and nothing else, but tried every single one. And then I put it out at football. Yeah. And they get eight.

You go, hey, here's a special treat for you. Shit, bingo already chewed a corner off of. It's even better. The next morning, I went to kind of cleaning up. I saw that, and I opened it up, saying, what is this chocolate? And there was just two of them left, and they had the teeth marked. Bite on one side, bite on the other, and the same. Bite on one side.

I'm like, what the fuck is this? I was like, okay, maybe I get a chance. Oh, okay. No, boy, it must have been great. But that's what it was. I said, who the fuck would do that and put it back? It was her. She has the right to do that. Everyone knows it's Bingo.

That's me. Bad mate. That'd be a horrible thing. Do you have a cocktail over there, Bingo? No, I said, what? Bingo is going to make... Ooh. Can we watch?

We have the honor of watching this. Oh, no, no. She's going to make... Both Tom and Bingo are going to take turns making... What? Blueapron.com. That's our sponsor. Hi-yo.

Oh. Blueapron. Yes. Dot com. Listen. Here's how Blue Apron works. Blue Apron touts themselves as being the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country. Wow. Now, again, I like to fact check.

What is that rating system? I know when Casey Kasem said, and this week's number one song on America's Top 40, where is the listings for the number 2, 3, 5, 15, 40 fresh ingredient and recipe delivery services in the country list? But I'm going to take your word for it because you're giving us money yes this is what blue apron does they send you food gourmet fresh ingredient shit that you can make at your house why would i need to do that i could go to the grocery store. Well, cstamps.com.

Lines, et cetera. Yeah. Come on. What? See? Don't worry. He's cutting all this. I'm watching him edit in his head.

So have you tried Blue Apron? No, it's coming. Oh. And then both Tom and Bingo are going to make these exquisite meals that they send you. Here's what they do is they send you all the fresh ingredients for a nice meal for under $10 a person. How much? Well, when we go out, especially if you go out with me when i get drunk and over tip this doesn't include the manhattans and old fashions and shit that i would order at a

restaurant but this is still a gourmet meal for under 10 bucks a head that they send you all the exact ingredients for so like if i was trying to read a recipe, sometimes I try to cook. Usually I do crock pot. So if I'm going to try to cook something nice for a few of us and I read a recipe, I would get to, oh, and then, oh, I need a half teaspoon of cumin. And I'm fucking cumin. I don't have any friends I can call and say, do you have cumin? Just like a half teaspoon measure of cumin.

And I'm not going to drive all the way to Safeway while other shit's cooking on the stove. Yeah, this has cumin in it. You got the cumin right there. And not a whole thing of cumin that you'd get it safe way going why do i have cumin why am i covered overloaded with shit i don't even know what it means and then when i served it to people of course they're gonna say oh this is a fantastic meal it's a and you know that if it sucked they're gonna lie and say it's great anyway

and if it was great i would say uh but what if i had cumin in it maybe it's not as great as it could be because i didn't put the cumin in are they gonna call me out on social media as a cumin hoarder? Yeah, you get your fucking cumin with blueapron.com. Yeah. It's a cumulative effect. You send exactly the shit you need to make a perfect dinner. And they also have, here's some things. In the bullet points

they say impact on the community. Blue Apron can be delivered to 99% of the continental U.S. and 99.5% of food deserts. What's a food desert, Doug? A food desert? I thought you're the one

who explained this to me. I thought a food desert doug a food desert i thought you're the one who explained this to me i thought a food desert was places like detroit where they have no like inner city like no neighbor there's a different there's a different word for that all right then i'll shut up because blue apron ships the exact amount of each ingredient including including cumin, I'm guessing, required for a recipe, they're reducing food waste. I just, when I saw impact on the community as a bullet point, I wondered how Hannigan would sell me the same way if it was a corporate thing where you go,

hey, they just sent you a bunch of fucking food so you know how to make it. No, here's Doug Stanhope's impact on the community. Should you decide to book Doug Stanhope, he will, A, raise the level of awareness on social matters such as this and that and this and this. He will bring his own cumin. So yeah, they do a lot of shit for the

community that you don't care about. I know my audience. Shut up, Blue Apron. I know who I'm selling to. Those who spend lots at restaurants or high-end grocery chains can now spend under $10 per person on a delicious meal. Under $10. Yeah, under $10.

Remember when we used to take chicks to, what was the, wasn't the Sands, the Landmark. The Landmark. The Landmark in Vegas. Yes. Right by the Hilton. Was that on the strip? It was like the Space Needle. Yeah.

It was fashioned like that. Right, exactly. And at the top, you would have the rotating. And you could take a chick because it's a casino. For $3.99, you could get a London broil or a fish. So for fucking nothing, you could look like you're a big dollar dude. Yeah, exactly. So you can do that with a blue apron,

act like you cook like this all the time, have the ingredients, and for under 10 bucks, you can go, why would we go to that five-star Zagat guy douchebag place where you wait two months for a reservation when I can make the,

hang on, let me read my brochure. Honey, I'm going to get you these spicy shrimp Korean rice cakes with cabbage and fruikaki. Fruikaki. Fruikaki. Fruikaki. You do like fruikaki. Who doesn't like a nice fruikaki?

Fruikaki. Not a fruity kaki. Wow. This guy, he's... He's a player. He's got some Fruity Kaki. I knew he'd been around, but he's making me Fruikaki. Hey, little ISIS lady.

I know that you don't like pork chops, but wait till you try the blueapron.com pork chops with garlic piccata and scallion rice and spinach. Making it at my place. Yeah. Yeah. Hit me. Maybe that's how we get them out of Aleppo. Well, that is another thing that they do deliver to 99% of the continental US and 99.5% of food deserts. How did Osama bin Laden stay alive in those caves for so many years?

Blue Apron. There it is. Yep. 99.5% including. Yep. 99.5 including Afghanistan Caves. Alright. The Tora Bora Caves. Oh, there you go. Thank you. Do mention the fact that

your first three meals are free. You sign up for it, and if you don't like the way it goes down, then you just cancel. But that's three free meals. I generally close on that but thanks for shouting out my closing bit in the middle of my set he was helping it's affordable there's a variety you know variety i wanted to go back and just mention that this is the shit that Bingo and I hate on the road. Because they mentioned some of their upcoming meals.

And mushroom and chipotle pepper enchiladas with lime sour cream. I fucking love enchiladas. But when we eat at fancy ass places, they always have to fuck up one little thing. Sour cream you enjoy on an enchilada. Why do you have to make it lime sour cream? I know this won't hurt your business, Blue Apron. There's only a few people that enjoy nothing like we do. We enjoy just staples.

If you just had Velveeta and crackers that are a bit stale, but you were going to deliver them to me, I'm buying. But if I'm at a restaurant and you have just one little thing, like lime sour cream, hey, can I get the sour cream without the lime? It's already mixed in sir all right can i scrape it off all right it's affordable variety recipes are not repeated within a year so you'll never get bored

well you got me as a customer because I don't expect to live a year. Flexible. There's no weekly commitment. You only get the deliveries that you want. And if you forget that a delivery was coming and you forgot to cancel, just go, fuck off, I have cancer, man. No one argues with cancer. Nobody's not that's not in the

read i don't think so you're that good each meal easy this is see this is the selling point i need to hit okay for my audience easy each meal comes with a step-by-step, easy-to-follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients and can be prepared in 40 minutes or less. So you can start drinking at the beginning and still not be quite drunk by the time you eat it. Easy. Easy. Easy peasy. Well, we're going to see. Tom's going to cook some.. Tom's going to cook some.

Bingo's going to cook some. Doug, this is a good way to expand your... I can't wait. You can move away from the crock pot a little bit and maybe get into the furikake or the yuppie pork chops. No. It's always back to the furikake. After 25 years plus in this business,

I can delineate. If fucking Stern was reading this, yeah, Benji is making the fucking blue apron. Yes. Got it. If Bingo can make blue apron and we eat it and here's how we this is how we do it first we test it on the football crowd who you can just pour a canned chili over leftover rice cakes that bingo never ate and put a a highfalutin sounding name on it. They go, oh, have you tried Bingo's chili a la rice cake?

Oh, it's really good. How's she doing anyway? She doing good? Mmm, this doesn't taste like brain damage whatsoever. The football crowd did eat half-eaten chocolates. Yes, they did. Not're not very discriminating. So, yeah, there's a freshness guarantee, which, you know my crowd. They want it fresh.

Nah. You fucking eat garbage. So, call to action. Must read. Hey, this is a must read. CTA. Everyone stand up. to action. Must read. Hey, this is a must read. CTA. Everyone stand up.

So check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free. No such thing as a free lunch. Bullshit. Free breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash Stanhope. By going to blueapron.com slash Stanhope, you're going to love how good it feels and tastes to create home-cooked meals with Blue Apron that you pretended that you knew how to cook yourself on your own to impress a chick.

Oh, yeah, no. I always make fresh fruit cocky fruit cocky was a for it for it oh no it's pronounced a lot of different ways in the uh spanish language that sounds like japanese is that a mushroom i don't know it's over on the fucking corner of the plate, lady. Blow me. Oh, Mr. Bindles, I think we're going to go home. That's blueapron.com slash Stanhope.

How do I spell Furukaki? Don't spell Furukaki. Spell Stanhope after the slash. Backslash Stanhope. Furukaki. Is there cumin? Just enough. Yeah.

Do you want to end it? I'm going gonna segue this into tom with his thank you and tom tom you have your own sponsor yeah i have my own no you had said something uh you and shaley had said uh people can just write and put a high on hi Tom on whatever their letter or box or whatever. And I've gotten a couple of highs and don't touch that. And Catherine Martin. Thank you so much, Catherine. And then I got today from Joanna Cantor, sweet velvet soap, natural handmade soap. And it was great. I actually, but it was peppermint.

And Doug immediately said, get that away from me. It smells good. Well, I walked in because here where we do the podcast in the front house, Tom just leaves the mail at everyone's regular seat. And right here, the whole thing was, the bar was spread out with soap that smelled like soap. I knew Doug would flip.

It's great. Stop. I don't take a shower, but once a month, Tommy, get that away from me. So, yeah. Thank you. It was actually great. It was a reminder of I'm unclean. So I bagged it up and I smeared the bar with garbage.

We're back to normal. Catherine Martins, that lady smeared the bar with garbage. We're back to normal. Catherine Martin's that lady you took the picture with in New York. Yeah, she's a sweet person. Remember we're in Pret-a-Manger, and I took your picture. Oh, all right. I was going to be a sarcastic cunt and go, oh, the person I took a picture with after a show in the biggest city in America? Of course I remember, but I do.

She was in Prêt-à-Manger where we ate against my will because it gives me flashbacks of the UK because they're on every corner like Starbucks there. Sometimes you have to cave in and eat a boxed sandwich from the fucking place. But yeah, she was a nice lady. Absolutely. So thank you both. Well, I don't know.

How would fucking Hennigan? Hennigan, you're on top of everything. He's got the memories. Yep. That's all he has is memories because there ain't no future coming out of this business. Hi-yo. Those were the days! Hey, there it is.

That's for you. Thank you, Doug Lee. All right, Tommy, you got a story for us to close this out? Because I know you have a fucking list of stories. I don't know if I put you

on the spot right now. Yeah, I don't know. There's stories. Hang on, hang on. Is there some time for it? You take your time because Joby has some death pool. Let him get something relevant. Stories are schmores right now.

Do you have? Yeah, hop in. Alright. We ain't live. No. No, we close on Tommy. Oh, Jesus. Hey, Khabaz. What a great place to sit. Right beneath the stool.

Great news, kids. The Much Neglected merch page on my Much Neglected website has been taken over by Greg Chaley. So we have tour t-shirts, podcast t-shirts. We have Pop-Off Vodka Presents t-shirts. Get them before we get sued, before we get the cease and desist. And a whole shitload of CDs and DVDs that span a lifetime. A sad, tragic, bloated lifetime of my fucking horrible thoughts and pontifications.

So help me get that shit out of my crawlspace. Thanks for that. And now, back to the podcast previously recorded. aficionados are digging deep. Oh, this guy's gonna die, but is he really a celebrity? Yeah, he played ping pong in the

40s, and he was a champion at his school and broke a record in Bangladesh. This is perfect. What I started doing today, I actually set it up as a private Twitter page where only a few people can get in, and I just post polls on petitions. Oh, nice.

Wikilink. Yes, no. Serbian Mike actually came up with that because I wanted to do a standalone website kind of thing. He's like, just do Twitter polls on a private thing. That's clever. Beautiful. And so far, it's great. I don't know what a Twitter poll is,

but it's like you have only certain people that can get to it. Like it's a private page? It's a private page, standalone private page. And so I have to approve people to get in and actually see it. And they're not cunts. They're going to say,

this person needs, yeah, this person, no on this one. I'm not just going to let anyone in. It's got to be you know i really have to kind of select people to to come in kind of what we did the other night sitting in the living room yeah so i'll show you the page you know but it so far it's it's worked out great because i i do you know the thousands of petitions i put my eyes on every year you know this is you know something's got to end. So it's perfect. Hennigan and

Konopka would actually be good guys to have on that, because neither of them, they won't play, and they're both scrutinizing, you know, calculating people. Like Hennigan will... Like you said, Hennigan will say no to everyone.

No, it wouldn't. No. No, you will say no to everyone no one no no you just said no to hennigan will have a full dissertation as though he were in a court of law to defend why he said yes or no he put a lot of thought into it i uh i had a couple of emails from from several you know a couple of different guys that heard the last podcast and said, well, yeah, if you need somebody, all right. So I bounced a few ideas off of one guy. He's a great Australian. I need an Australian guy because I don't know any of that.

The other guy was, oh, I'm an expert in racing, any kind of racing, Grand Prix, Formula One, whatever you want. Okay, great. I get about 12 of those a year. That's awesome. But I'll keep you in mind. And then all of a sudden, I get about... You realize he's from a third world and he's talking about racism. I'm an expert in racism, but my English wasn't so good.

I like that Grand Prix racism. But he said, yeah, I'll help you out with that. But then I got three or four racing petitions immediately. From him. Okay, so I'm not seeing that he actually did that. But coincidence? Maybe not. So I have to actually be careful of who I let in.

And it's got to be someone I know. I really need UK guys that know soccer, football. The only new one. Is Hack Oddity? Is he doing it while he plays? Hack Oddity. He does petitions, so I send him over bunches, but I could use a couple

more. If you know anybody or any of your listeners you're familiar with, absolutely. Email me at reaper at dscdp.com buddy or any of your listeners you're familiar with you know absolutely you know yeah email me at reaper at dscdp.com and that's my email and i'll or just tweet you at stanhope cdp yeah you know but uh so the big the big one we got going on right now and it's been massive we have uh from last year to this year and we're only two days into the season,

we've got a 20% increase in people playing. And we're only two days into the season. Wow. From end of last year to this. So we're doing pretty good. People are joining up, and we're doing fantastic. So the new one that we're giving away, like if you... I don't want to put you on the spot because I hate this in an interview.

What's the most least? But can you think of anyone that you had to really consider, is that a celebrity or not? Because that's your job. I mean, at the end of the day, as Bingo likes to say all the time, at the end of the day, it's your decision if someone... I know you hate that. I was saying that because you can't yell out.

She hates anyone who says at the end of the day. Yeah. But at the end of the day, she can fuck herself. Can you think of anyone this year that... Actually, you had to deny after consternation i found some that were there's a comedian that's dying of cancer i showed you his name is quincy jones quincy jones i've denied uh probably a dozen times because he's only famous for being sad we started that rule yeah he's out You can't be famous because you're dying,

and that's how he became famous once he had terminal cancer. He wanted to be a comedian, and then he got on Ellen because of it. Not because of his comedy, and he got an HBO special because he was a comedian who was dying. Make a wish. It's like, no, this guy, I get

responses back, no, this guy is definitely famous. No, he definitely has cancer. That's it. That's where it ends. He's not talented. His talent didn't get him to that point. I asked Joby the other day when I was trying to do

any kind of research while I'm doing this during football. I give myself football day off. And instead of actually watching football on Saturday, I was doing death pool. And this year's bonus is politicians. And I'm just going to front load the fucking usual Jimmy Carter's. I looked up Gary Hart. He's still spry seemingly but i said what about like uh clint eastwood who was a mayor of carmel by the sea

no he's famous for being clint eastwood he happened to do that so they have to be famous for the bonus of politician all right this is a big one that uh came out last year i denied this guy called pierce sellers he's an astronaut okay british guy been up in space deny an astronaut all right this is the thing there are hundreds of astronauts okay that have been to space worldwide this is a global game okay uh if i approve him for just going up into space doing his job and coming back i gotta approve them all okay now i would say every fucking astronaut is definitely i i disagree he's just doing his job and that's it if he's if he goes to space and does something notable if he's in the International Space Hall of Fame, sure.

He's a lock. He's in. I think that's sound. See? But that's why it just comes down to personal opinion, which is site-wide. He decides. You petition.

If he says no, he says no. Not anymore. That's coming up, which, in which my opinion should mean shit when it comes to this i don't want but there's no way to gauge celebrity it's not like hiv where you test positive but there is a way to gauge any fact and that's basically what you're trying to do is wikipedia the whole situation wikipedia is a self-regulating uh system and that's kind of what joey seems to be aiming for and the fact that that I will have a group of people that can all weigh in, and then it's over.

You know, well, the group decided, fuck off. You know, we're done. Instead of me making that call, which is really unfair because it's so subjective. And if that discussion of the astronauts comes up, you would throw in your, you know, opinion that, well, if you authenticate one, you have to authenticate

them all yeah and then the group of wise people that's why this year and i haven't finished my 20 i'm trying to stay unless i find someone that the big letdown with death pool is when you find someone you think oh no one knows this one and then you and i hate to bother you when you're doing all these petitions because if they're not in the database you have to send in this person is famous with a link to a website why they should be in the database and i know if they're not in the database i'm bothering jobe even more but if they are in the database someone I'm bothering Joby even more. But if they are in the database, someone already found him. So that one guy,

I found it. Fuck. Someone already has him. But hopefully not in our league. Probably not because it's pretty thin on our league so far this season. Yeah, at some point we're going to have to let more people in, but we get to vet them for being... We have to have people we know point we're gonna have to let more people in but we get to vet them for being

yeah we have to have people we know because we're betting but i love it ain't do it's not through the site our gambling is private and fuck yourself absolutely and i'm glad that i'm getting hammered with petitions because that shows that so many more people are playing and that's why we had to go with you know the you know hey we need to find a new way of doing petitions because i'm just buried and if i can get a group together and make the decision for me i'm good so i like that's perfect um uh we'll probably cap petitions like you're shaley recommended he's like why don't you make it so only three a person can petition three or five people a month and that's it you know they can't slam you with 20 30 50 petitions at a time

perfect yeah so we're working on that that's gonna be that makes sense because you get slammed all at the end of the year or the beginning of the new season it's three months of non-stop like eight ten hours a day spread it it out. Yeah. Yeah. So. And they're bitching about fucking $3.99 to get in the killer termites or whatever. Which is still rolling in a lot. And someone emailed me today about, hey, I'm trying to get the petition for it. I go, that's not me. Yeah.

I'm just a beautiful face on the posters on every bus in las vegas well that's it to join killer termites it's uh 2.99 three bucks if you already play in another league another funeral home all right it's 4.99 it's five bucks if you just want to join that one and you don't want to play anywhere else a one-time shot. So, for Killer Termites, that funeral home, we're going to give away a 44-inch smart TV for first place, a tablet for second place, and then third place will be a bunch of merch.

You know, just t-shirts and what we got. And we'll throw in some Stanhope merch, too. Second prize, Cheetah B. Nassif, steak knives. Third prize, you're fired. Only if you guess the reference do you get the steak knives for second place. So, yeah, you know, join up. Even at the most, if five bucks for a year of entertainment

and a shot at getting a TV, that's nothing. And not having to do math. Where do I stand? I haven't looked at the website. Yeah, don't worry. We got you. Yeah, Manson's dying, Valerie Harper. I just gave away two of mine.

No, those are easy ones. I know, but I... I thought it started, so how are you still picking? No, we haven't started. We pushed George back. Our own personal league we had to push back because he has to work. And there are, you know, if anyone out there still wants to join up,

there are tons of leagues to start up. You just do a funeral home search, and, you know, if you want to start your own, go for it. You can start any time of the year. You picked the time that you'd actually start, so you can push it back a little bit? You can push it back as far as you want to go still goes to midnight of uh new year's yeah our time oh yeah you can set your league to your actual time your time zone who

oh you changed who is the angriest customer or guest you've ever had? Who is somebody who fucking would not take your judgment? Was there anybody? Who's a dick? Yeah. Somebody who. By name? Not by name, just like what was it? What was it about?

Who fucking lost it and flipped the table? It was, it will be like why I need someone like you. It's on soccer players. Really? You know, the wiki page won't have any stats on them. It'll just say, oh, well,

they're, you know, notable in this country for being the best soccer player of that country. Well, yeah, fuck off. And they'll argue with me over and over again about it. Why specifically?

Why, why is he famous? Send me something. Well, you can't come up with anything. that would be Brian. Fuck off. Brian will go,

I have too much to do to do this. But if you actually email him and say, oh, is this soccer player famous? He'll blow off anything about my career and go, well, no, that fucking cunt. He was a one and done back when he went to a swan sea and then he was shipped back to where he fucking belongs in belgrade and now now you never hear him he had one good play that was repeated in a sports blooper for you and that but see i'd let him in if he's in a sports blooper reel that'd be like yeah he's the guy that fucking killed the referee with his back heel. back into the argument with a few champagnes.

I'll fight the lawyers. Yeah. All right. So yeah, email me at reaper at dscdp.com or follow me at

stanhopecdp. Let me know if Stan Hope knows you. And let me quickly, if you're already in the death pool, the spite team. Spite picks. The spite picks. Spite picks are specifically for people that everyone would rejoice in being dead,

not that should be dead. No Betty White. You don't bet on that. You're just all going in and i woke up this morning going oh i saw four spite pics on the tv i flipped through no they're not gonna die but if they do die we can all celebrate so don't put fucking valerie harper you don't hate valerie harper you're fucking trying to win find a loophole last year everyone tried to cheat and no no there's no prize the the the point of that is

to go through everyone's list and be like oh that guy sucks i'm glad that someone picked him yeah that's the whole point of it so many people just pick people that should die. You can't possibly hate... What's his name that finally died? Muhammad Ali. That'll work. Alan Rickman. Okay. Bring a friend. Fish. Abe Vigoda.

Abe Vigoda. No one hates Abe Vigoda. Spike picture people. We all cumulatively... Or maybe you just want that person to die nancy grace a bill maher you know throw it in there yeah i ain't throwing out mine because i got oh my god this i think i have five from sports uh espn spite picsite pics that are all sports, TV, Fox Sports, or... Yeah. Trump has, so far, has got almost 400 pics.

And they're still homes locking down. I'm scared to put Trump in my regular desk pool. Yeah, exactly. And I think everyone is putting him on their list. No matter if it's a spite pic or just thinking that, he's going to get popped. Wow, really? Yeah. I mean, there are tons of people picking Trump. listen no matter if it's a spite pick or just thinking that he's gonna get popped wow really yeah i mean there are tons of people picking trump so well let's reiterate because i probably

will put trump in my regular ones you cannot kill your picks you're out that's one of the all right it's been said rules it's been said you cannot kill your picks you'll lose your points you'll lose the TV. You can't win the tablet. You cannot win the tablet. You know what? You might be like the guy that shot Reagan and get out so you can finally meet Jodie Foster,

but you're not going to win the money. And that's what this is all about. Pride and winning the Doug St Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool. We'll be right back after this with a closing story from Tom Konopka. Ooh. Hey, people, do you like porn? YouPorn, it's a new site where you can watch porn of every flavor and every fetish for how much, Joby?

One cent? Free! No! Free, free! You can go and look at pornography of all depths, lengths, and widths. You want it hotter or larger? Just hit the search engine. YouPorn.

They have porn. It has men and women all on equal footing. That's right. Do you like to see a 29-minute version or a minute and 30 seconds? As long as it's smelly. It can be smelly. It can not be smelly. At DougStanup.com, we'll have scratch and sniff cards to make your you porn smelly or not smelly it can not be smelly at dougstandup.com we'll have uh scratches sniff guards to make your

you porn smelly or not smelly you call the odor scratch square c porn free sorry i stole tom kanopka's joke because he's off mic all right uh go to you pornorn. And you know what? When you run out of your fetish there, try Pornhub, RedQ, all the other porn sites. And if you type in YouPorn slash Stan Hope, it will be free, free, free. Viruses do not apply. All right, you ready, Tommy? Tommy! Rock on,mmy just something i don't know short and sweet you guys are even like the whole death pool which i haven't figured out whenever he's ready hello and now stories from a freshly soaped Tom Kanopka. Peppermint soap.

Peppermint soap. Yeah, the whole death pool idea. It is kind of gamble talk, and everybody seems to like hearing about old Vegas and the old bosses in Atlantic City and this and that. I was remembering, and this is going to be an offbeat reference, but I was dealing, I won't mention the name of the casino downtown in Vegas. This is around 1980.

Is it still open? Three or four. Yeah. But yeah, it was a pretty famous one downtown. But it was just odd where you would bump into people so frequently. And Maury Amsterdam. Now, there's an old reference from the Dick Van Dyke show. Maury Amsterdam. Now there's an old reference from the Dick Van Dyke show.

Maury Amsterdam. Was it Murray? No, no. Maury. Maury Amsterdam. He was on the Dick Van Dyke show. It would be Murray to Chaley who's renowned for mispronouncing everything.

Including earlier in this podcast where you tried to say Montreal. Montreal. Yes. Montreal. Everyone listening, rewind where he tried to say Montreal. Montreal. Everyone listening, rewind where he tried to put some French accent. No, I'll put it right here. Montreal. I was thinking Murray from

Mary Tyler Moore. It's spelled M-O-R-E-Y. Murray from F Troop. Murray Langston, the unknown comic. It's Moore. What the why? Murray.

Murray. Murray Amsterdam. I was looking at that. Yeah, Murray Amsterdam. So Murray Amsterdam, we're on a dead table. Murray Amsterdam comes up. Nobody knows who the hell he is. Henny Youngman comes up.

Now, take my wife, please. You know, that's the reference. Even further back. On episode four of this podcast, Now, take my wife, please. You know, that's the reference. Even further back. On episode four of this podcast, Henny Youngman told this story about running into Mae West at a palooka table. That's before they had dice. Go ahead.

Yeah, and so now these guys both come up to the table. There's nobody playing. Nobody knew who they were. The pit boss knew, and I just recognized guys both come up to the table. There's nobody playing. Nobody knew who they were. The pit boss knew, and I just recognized it because they're comedians. They buy in. They both bought in for $1,000, and so now we're moving the dice,

and I'm calling the dice. Six, easy, six, and they were starting to lose their ass very quickly. There was nobody else on the table, and up comes fucking Rodney Dangerfield. You may know who he is, and he comes up, and when he walked up to the table. And up comes fucking Rodney Dangerfield. You may know who he is. And he comes up, and when he walked up to the table, he looked at the two guys.

He says, you know, I'm not going to do the impression, but he's like, hey, are you winning? And they're like, no, we're fucking, we're dying here. He said, I can change that. And he looked right at the pit boss, and the pit boss gave him a nod. He took the stick out of my hand. And go ahead, Maury, roll the dice. dice whatever rolled he just said winner six and he did this for about wait no matter what the

no matter what it was no matter what it is he was making up numbers and calling winner so they got paid they got paid they got paid the dealer that was on base it's called giving the money he had to look because this is not you know you're not allowed to do this but these are the old mob bosses so he did that they so were there other people at the table nobody nobody it was it was just private table no no no but it was just really early in the morning that's when a lot of these guys would come out like it's caesars if you back in, even to this day, you go to the main pit at like two in the morning, that's when stars will come out. Some of that hasn't changed.

I did pass Huey Lewis from the Huey Lewis and the News at the Riviera playing craps. There you go. A late night at the Riviera. Yeah. So yeah, I guess that's when stars do come out. Story checks out. Yeah, baby. yeah, I guess that's when stars do come out. They do. Story checks out.

Yeah, baby. A lot of people might recognize Huey Lewis and not know who Maury Amsterdam is. Yes. So I think I win in this name drop competition. Oh, without a question. Well, they know who Maury Amsterdam was if they'd watched the final episode of Caroline in the City, which was his last TV appearance. Whoa.

Oh, someone's our fucking... You know what? Yeah. TV appearance. Whoa. Oh, someone's our fucking... You know what? Yeah, you're our guy that just runs in while Google... Fuck you. Go back to your Google. Well, that was a put down. There's no... The end, there is an end to this.

And what the end was, which I didn't see coming. At that time, when you dealt, it was called going table for table. It wasn't like in Atlantic City or even in Vegas now. You split it 24 hours a day with all the rest of the dealers. Whatever you made on that table, you split with four people, the dealers. So it was feast or famine every day. And we were dying. We had nothing in the box, the tip box, the toque box.

And so now they're up probably about, it was 3,000 and change. And then Rodney just hands the stick back. Thank you. And as they go to leave, they just took all the chips and said, here, it's for the dealers. You understand how classy that was? We split that up. It was basically 1,000 a man from going to have nothing that fucking shift. And it was just on the agreement, a nod, a wink.

Hey, Tony Tony is this cool that's what they did you won't see that happen anywhere in a fucking casino anymore that's a great story it was yeah it's a simple thing

but it meant something especially that fucking night and where's that money now yeah exactly it's buried with Maury Amsterdam somewhere Maury

Maury I don't know yeah where is that money now yeah Maury fucking Amsterdam Maury suffered an accident later that night yeah yeah Murray, I don't know. Yeah, where is that money now? Yeah, Murray fucking out. Murray suffered an accident later that night. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, good stuff.

I think that's a podcast. Yep. That's enough. God damn it. I can't wait for some blueapron.com food to come to Super Bowl Sunday and watch all these fucking muffin mouth scrunchies dot com food to come to Super Bowl Sunday. Yes. And watch all these fucking muffin mouth scrounges just pile it into their head

without thinking that someone put time and effort into this gourmet meal. Yes. And they just throw it into a styrofoam Walmart bowl, a thousand for a nickel, and then pour it down their heads while they're trying to yell for their team. And they're spitting Fruikaki. Fruikaki.

And an aioli-flavored chicken rice shit, whatever the fuck they sell wraps and then in the morning kenny will come over mop the floor going oh that looks like high grade make it at home 100 fresh ingredient blue apron food i hope that the security system isn't watching while i gnaw its dried kernels off the cheap parquet floor hey let's play some uh music to get us out of here. Well, we mentioned him on the podcast. How about a little bit of Bird Cloud? Yeah. Vodka Soda Bird by Bird Cloud. Little bit of tinkle in my life.

Little bit of urine. You're my wife. Urine, you're my wife. We kind of started with some pee talk at the beginning of this. It was subtle. Urine, you're my wife. Yeah. Urine, urine, urine.

Little bit of Squatsy is what I need. Little bit of Tinkles is what I feed. Well, I was sober and just walking around Williamburg. Just walking around Williamburg You know they ought to rename this place Vodka Soda Burg Cause I've been drinking with they homos And they say that they ain't homos But they look like one to me

I got twenty-five bowl and vodka's over. Yeah, that's five drinks, five by five, and don't leave a tip. Yeah, that's ice and that's vodka and that's soda, no lime. Don't put no bullshit. That's all I would do. Just now starting to get it right. And my piss soda burned. Well, my brain is feeling sparkly.

Wow. Oh, that's so, so appropriate, alcohol Everything is bent to me now Well, I met a local man in Buckeye, Stony Brook And I'm self-described I'm homeless romantic I'm gonna buy me another drink Cause I'm retarded Then go back to the fucking

Pat-a-lon in Bushman And I went home with a mulatto Oh yeah, had some out of cold snow And that's why I made a little song about my love Although I was lucky to be alive I threw up and rose and gone back of vodka soda bird All the bartenders, they all hate my fucking goods I'm just trying to get my time to shine

All them girls turning into bitches Spending $300 on a dress Just trying to get booked. And this is where I get off. Oh yeah, I'm probably never going to stop. And I can't, I said I'm never going to stop. No way, I said I'm never going to stop, stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Trying to take a little trip to Vibe Girls Stony Brook. Can I please be anywhere else in the world except for here?