The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #190: 2016 Year in Review from the Arizona Inn

Episode Date: January 21, 2017

Doug and Chaille sit by the fire at the Arizona Inn to review the events of the year, 2016.Recorded Jan. 07, 2017 fireside at the Arizona Inn in Tucson, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.A continued thanks to Sal from the Impractical Jokers (@truTVjokers) for having all the vodka sent to the FunHouse. We are still receiving boxes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Bingo and Chaley are so touchy tonight. You're pushing me away. It's so mean. I need a chef's platter of desserts. I don't get it. Oh wait, we have two coming. Where's my... You ordered two dessert platters?

No, I didn't order two dessert platters. Yeah, you did. I phoned in the order I was told to make, which was two dessert platters from someone who wouldn't eat lunch because she was not going to get fat. it's like when you say i'm gonna quit drinking today but tonight i'm gonna get all shots in a row to start give me seven shots because i didn't drink today so tonight yeah i going to sit there miserable at breakfast while I eat my corn flake singular. And then tonight, when it's room service, at its most optimum cost, give me all the desserts times two. All right. too.

As long as you stop looking at me with that sullen, ugly look of I fucked up your day. And you don't even get that. Is this part of the podcast? I thought it was. Well, the light's on, but I don't know if you

knew. Yeah, I did. I did know that. It seems like it should be well yeah it is it's a happy podcast because trays of desserts will be flowing through this door i can't even smoke in the room oh jesus what what did you do to his drink tracy i forgot that I had ordered a dirty martini, and I topped off what I thought was a vodka soda with grapefruit Perrier and vodka on top of that. Grapefruit and olive juice? Yeah.

Brian, yeah. Well, it's a grapefruit vodka martini. The way you just snorted like a pig. It's disgusting. And recoiled. I can't throw it away. It came from the bar it's expensive

alright well I have a drink that I got from the bar here at Bushwood Academy from a guy that I like why is that guy fucking mad dogging me because when you're in

it's basically a golf club it's not it's a but it may as well be a golf club, a country club, a resort. Yeah. It's a lot of old people talking about Trump. So when some dude in a sweater is staring at me because I'm in my pajamas and won't stop staring at me, I don't think that dude's a sweater is staring at me because i'm in my pajamas and won't stop staring at me i don't

think that dude's a fan much much less would you think ted knight at bushwood in caddyshack is a fan because he's staring at you yeah you figure he's working the angle of like tell the waiter i thought he's a dick and then like, I just tell the waiter to get down. I thought he's a dick. And then I saw him talk to the waiter and point at me, and I said, oh, he's buying me a drink. Oh, fuck. It's a fan.

I have a fan in a country club. So I went over and hugged him and his fiancee, or his newlywed, I think their honeymoon or anniversary. Anniversary. It's an anniversary. Thank you, Ryan and Trish. They bought me a... I actually upgraded them because if they're hanging out here,

I was just drinking whiskey Coke I smuggled in. We shouldn't even been drinking. Why were we drinking at the fucking bar? We have a full bar here. Bingo said... I showed up over there and then you guys left. And I'm like, Tracy,

why didn't we even come over here if everyone was just going to leave because I just bought a drink and I brought a coffee mug full of wine over there. But that's the point is they go to the bar. We want to go to the bar

and they order the same thing we have here in the room. I'm at least ordering an old fashioned because I don't muddle stuff at home. I'm at least ordering in an old-fashioned, because I don't muddle stuff at home. I don't have orange rinds and maraschino cherries and a muddling stick that I want to use.

We have them. That I want to use was the key word. So, how do you rate the bar here? Yesterday? Yesterday, beautiful. Today, oh, the first day we came to the bar here, I went, I can't remember the last time I sat at a bar where there was no sports center behind me. There's no TV.

So today, I go, Oh, that's not really a bonus after all. Cause it's fucking football playoffs. And the Raiders versus the Texans is the first game. And I know the three bars I know in walking distance are, uh, one's like a biker slash ex-military celebration bar. And it's small and it's a cool bar, the Trident.

But if fucking Raiders fans show up, you don't want a mixture of bikers, ex-military, and Raiders fans all in one small enclosed space. Even if you're rooting for the Raiders, which I was. But you know what? The Raiders fans are piles of dog shit, so much that the Raiders were my first favorite team that I can remember every player from Cliff Branch to Kenny Stabler,

fucking Otis. Otis was named after Otis Sistrunk. Or if you read the book, Otis Day and the Nights, because I love both Otises. Fred Bolitnikoff, my favorite player ever, number 25 with the fucking stick.

I'm an art shell and Eugene Upshaw. But if you enjoyed the raiders after they or because they moved to la and you if there's not subtle racism in this well let me make it explicit hang on room service please hold and we'll be back to this podcast right after giant copious amounts of sweets have been delivered at extensive prices hey stay at the arizona inn at hey do you know that twitter is it at arizona inn fuck it it's's Arizona Inn, 2200 East Elm. If you're going to have brain trauma and need a lot of follow-up shit, it's right by UMC, walking distance, if your girlfriend can still walk.

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Long, brown hair. Long, cute hair. No, no, long. Well, I don't... And none of us has hair that long. This is the moment where I tell you

that I'm trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest pubic hair. Oh, it might be bingo's pubes. Did you shave your pubes? Oh, fuck. You shaved your legs?

Oh, God. Did you shave your legs? I hope that's what it is. I'm not kidding. That might... How long is it? How long? Oh, my God. How long is it? How long? Oh, my God.

She's touching it. How long? An inch? No, no, no. It's really long. Bring it over here. How about that? I was putting it against the bed.

Yeah, I know. Right? Yes. It's like this long. Oh, all right. That's not a bingo leg hair. That's a chambermaid. That's all right.

It's none of ours. It's on the towel in the hair. That's a chambermaid. It's not a barge. It's on the towel in the bathroom. Put it back. On the towel. No, I did my on the road upper pube shave in the other room

before you got here. It was just us. I save these moments. Like I'll say to Bingo, hey, we get a doctor's appointment in Tucson. It's early. Rather than drive really early in the morning, why don't we go up the night before, get a hotel, and then we can shower and shave? Because I shave my face with trimmers, and I have to do it outside. And it's winter, and it's cold, so I never want to do it.

So I can come up here and do it inside because it's not my fucking place. They have to vacuum the thing anyway. So, yeah, and then occasionally I'll shave my body hair with the trimmers, not down to the bone. Not like a goat ate it. Not a barber shop with a straight razor kind of deal, but just trim it down. Because when your nipple hair gets so extensive that it bleeds through your white T-shirt. Oh, yeah. Yeah, pushing up daisies.

Trim that down. But I don't want to do that on my own fucking bathroom floor because I will never clean it. Once a year, the Dr. Mark Super Bowl party presented by Dr. Mark for the Dr. Mark Super Bowl starring Dr. Mark. Yeah, we're going to put him up at the quiet house. Hello, can you hear me? She had an important call.

Listen, the point of this podcast was supposed to be a look back on 2016 yeah we're a couple weeks past it but our 2016 might not match up with yours greg chaley and i are sitting here having conversations with chaley by a fireplace fireside chat withaley, I think we called it last night. I have to give you an update on my drink. It started out as a dirty martini. I mistakenly added Perrier grapefruit and more vodka and a little ice and about vomited. And so what I did was I went, instead of the savory,

I went the other way. I threw a bunch of maraschino cherry juice in there with it well no i just kept filling the glass this is it did you dump out the old drink no no no so you have a dirty martini olive juice grapefruit tinted perrier. With more vodka. More vodka. Yeah, and then now I put the- And a shitload of cherry juice to make you forget the whole thing. Well, I'm hoping that counteracts the, the only thing I can go next is sour or like lemon juice or something.

It's almost like a flavor blackout. Like, I put so many odd flavors in this drink. I'm just going to go for broke and blackout with maraschino cherry juice to make it all... It's like when you stick your head out of a speeding car out the window and you can't breathe

because so much air is rushing at you. I'm hoping that's what happens. It's like when you pour kerosene on a dirty pussy so you can keep going down on her. Yeah. If it's kerosene, I'll never remember that she had an obvious infection. Yeah. That's Civil War style, dude.

I read that book. Cheers. I hope I can stomach this one. I remember that from the Ted Burns. What's his name? Whatever Burns. Not bad. Ted Burns.

Whatever. The guy that did the Civil War thing. Ken Burns. Ken Burns. That's what I said. I didn't say Ted. You said Ted. I'll fix it.

It's not bad. The maraschino is actually canceled off this hour. The salt. I need a room tone. Ken. So you can put Burns in. Yeah. This is what it would have sounded like.

I remember that from the Ken Burns. The guy that did the Civil War thing. Ken Burns. Ken Burns. That's what I said. Chaley and I are sitting here fireside at the Arizona Inn at 2200 East Elm. Fireplace is raging. It's been on non-stop since I got here yesterday.

Yeah, because there's a switch. It's not real fire. I know. It's real fire. Dude, it's the way to do it. Who wants to fucking clean a fireplace? Ashes? No ashes. But it was very nice because all night long I get up often in the night

to stare at me sleeping? Yes, to pet your head. It'll be okay. But the way the fireplace is, there's no, it's just, it's a gas fireplace, and then it's set up to, like, heat the room. It's very nice. You flip a switch. Yeah.

It's warm. I remember people who would bitch about fake christmas trees oh you like the whole dying of the needles cutting the tree down yeah from from beginning to end well yeah the burning a fake christmas tree seven weeks after christmas and watching it go up like a fucking tornado you don't get that with a fake Christmas tree, but that's what other people's Christmas trees are for. The real ones. You go steal the ones that they left out dead and you burn those.

Other than that, I was thinking, and I'll never remember this, and occasionally, hey, late listeners. I count on late listeners a lot people haven't caught up on the podcast in a while yeah if it's a year from now if this is uh january 2017 remind me that's a great idea to do like what the dog shit lawn is have a forest of fake christmas trees is that not a brilliant idea yeah we can keep them lit year round if they fade in the arizona sun who gives a shit a fake fake christmas tree forest fake christmas tree forest and then right after halloween and just just a little bit before uh, we could open it.

Like a corn maze. People would come in, yeah. They'd come in and check it out and make us an offer on a tree. We could sell them. We could sell them, yes. Nah, that would just get more fans coming to the house. No, no, no. They look like they're fucking looky-loos.

Look at them. They're not buying shit. Andy, get out there. You're the low guy. You got to get out there and sell a tree today. All right. So we're doing the look back at 2016. It was quite a year.

I do want to – let me start by uh like we're we're now our hosting is handled by audio boom that's our new partner uh and there's also another way to watch or listen to the podcast and that's through youtube and there's a guy who works for us that does this and uh he he asked me today if you hey if you go to youtube and you want to check it out there you can see it there you'll get pictures that'll come up and scroll up and uh if you go to YouTube and you want to check it out there, you can see it there. You'll get pictures that will come up and scroll up. And if you just go there and subscribe. He just wants to see if we get some more subscribers. It's Stan Hope TV on YouTube channel.

All right. And all your stuff is up there. That's where we've been putting it. Well, we also have to do a live read, don't we? Yeah. We'll do that after June do that uh after june of 2016 all right did you want to do it hey kids let's go back a year and actually this is about the perfect time to look back a year because the first thing I remember from January 2016 was, see, Chaley cheated.

I kind of cheated when I was looking through some other bullshit on the website, and I go, fuck, because in my head, I haven't worked in two years, roughly. Yeah. Because – but then I'm looking back at 2016. A lot of shit happened. I just didn't work. Well, a lot of shit happened at the end that made you – that was way – like it was way more paramount in our recent memory that when I was going through the podcast, that's how I kind of cheated. But I had to come up with some of these things. I forgot about a lot of this stuff.

Well, a lot of the stuff that happened in 2016, I did the year before. It just came out. So let's go. True, true. year before it just came out so let's go true 2016 first thing i remember after a very drunk december of 15 we went to africa just to say we did and it sucked and i don't know what was that one of your crazy flights no no bingo and I actually went to South Africa and spent some time. It sucked. I'm usually – Tracy and I are usually house-sitting for my brother in Seattle.

This is the first year in like 10 years where we haven't done that. So usually like sometime in early December, we part ways. And that's why we remain friends. You go somewhere you hate it with. Are we still friends? We have to ask Bingo. I don't know. You go somewhere you hate it with. Are we still friends? We have to ask Bingo. I don't know. If you drink some of this drink.

Anyway, first thing I remember of January was going on the Impractical Jokers Cruise where things that you know have happened. We won't spell them out. The booze suit. The booze suit. That made the rounds. You can see that clip. There's two clips of Doug on Stanhope TV on YouTube.

So there's another reason to subscribe. Stanhope Booz Suit. Look it up if you're ever going to go on a cruise and ruin your entire relationship with the only person you love in life, including Chaley. Yeah, so... I don't know what to say to that.

That led to a breakup and that led to well we broke up amicably but we had to do that television pilot for the Johnny Depp company

that was in February yeah that's what it led into. But Bingo was still away with Washtub Willie. Well, actually... Oh, I have my timing wrong? Yeah, you're a little...

Because Bingo disappeared in March. I know. That's after the pilot. Yeah. Do you have other memories of January? No, there's... Well, no. Well, Hennigan's book came out,

which was pretty awesome. No? Hennigan, your manager? No, I need... I want to leave the dead air. If Hennigan was here, yes, everyone remembers

that the re-release of Patrick Roberts... A Tale or 20 years after it originally came out. Really? Yeah, it was a re-release. All right. Look, I wrote down things that were highlights. I thought that was a fucking cool thing. So we're into February right now.

Chaley, you said you wrote down things that were highlights i'm talking about things i remember how do i know what you remember well you didn't have if it was a highlight to you you wouldn't write down oh a re-release of an early brian hennigan all right it's a great book. I guess we both came at this at different angles. But, I mean, you're in a breakup and going on a cruise. That's not a highlight for me. Well, it's not the Greg Chaley podcast. It certainly isn't.

So why don't you go over your... I'm just saying, do you really remember that? Would you look back and go, oh, fuck, I forgot the Hennigan thing came out. It's the first book I've read in about two years. And then I got on a jag. I got on a jag because all my friends started writing books. When's your book coming out? Oh, wow.

We're just trying to figure out the colors for the cover. Oh, shit. Can you let that broaden? So her phone can right february doug uh well that that was such a non-stop chain of events with the bingo breakup but it's cool but she's in and out of the playa out there living with no plumbing but coming back but we still have to do this pilot which we have i had no fucking idea what I was doing. But we get it done. Super Bowl happens.

And then afterwards, bingo just disappears. This, Berg Kreischer starts this. There we go. Go ahead. That was, he just fucking, he bought a ticket, showed up at the airport, and I picked him up. I booked him in Anchorage, so we knew each other. And we talked all the way back to, from Tucson to Bisbee. It's almost two hours.

Just had a great time talking. And him asking about podcasts, what's going on. Why don't I just go, fuck it, I'm on the road. I can just buy a ticket. Why don't I fucking go, go i haven't been here i'm not doing a good burt christian impersonation but that 24 hours was so much fucking fun i mean yeah chad coming over us all drinking having a blast and just getting and just giggling some weird dude showed up with drugs or or tried to show up with drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember that because he goes, hey, I want to drop off some drug you would like.

I don't know. But a lot of people send emails. Hey, I want to show up because my wife is pregnant and she wants you to bless her baby or whatever. I'm making show up because my wife is pregnant and she wants you to bless her baby or whatever. I'm making that up. But I want to. And this guy goes, hey, I got some. Oh, it was Quaaludes. It was some antiquated drug, Quaaludes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to drop off some Quaaludes. And normally I would say no. But I know Bert's going to be there. And I want him to have the full Stanhope experience. Just so we can see one? Where strangers will show up and drop off various narcotics, or I stole a stop sign or a street sign that says Stanford.

It's almost like your name. I'll put that on my wall. Go ahead. Or no, or just no, or just ignore the email. Stanford, it's almost like your name. I'll put that on my wall. Or no, or just no, or just ignore the email. So I said yes to this guy who wanted to drop off Quaaludes, and he showed up and he tried to, he goes, I can't find the Quaaludes. Do you remember this? You went out and talked to him, right?

I don't think I did. I think probably Chad did. Yeah. That's a Chad thing. And he said he can't find his quaaludes because they're buried somewhere in the back, but he has meth. And Chad said, move along. Turns out you were closer to quaaludes

when you were in South Africa than when the guy came over to Bisbee. But just the fact that we had weird drugs. You'd have to go back to whatever episode Bert Kreischer was on to get these specific details. But he was immediately amused that random fans would just show up and try to offer you drugs. We were taking drugs. We didn't know what they were. He was videotaping a lot, too, because he had just gotten his camera,

and he was telling me how we should be videotaping everything in the fun house. But, yeah, that was a fun 24 hours. And then he went to the airport. And we knew at that point Bingo would be the only one sober enough because he had to leave at like 6 or 7 in the morning. Yeah, it was a quick turnaround. He wasn't even there 24 hours. No.

Yeah, because I picked him up in the afternoon. He left at like, I think they left at 7 or 8. 14 hours maybe. And Bingo said, I'll take you. He was ready to go. We drank pretty hard that night. And she took the Tahoe, which is this old piece of shit I bought at a police auction like seven years ago. It's like 150,000 miles and not much paint left.

It's what we call a boonie car. You would drive it around town, but you would never go to Tucson in that thing. No, no. Never. I call it the dog car. If I want to bring them out to the river, which is 17 miles. Yeah. Yeah, I'll take the Tah tahoe they can stink it up

load them up wet and muddy yeah not a problem it's filthy so we put burt in that well we didn't bingo did yeah we didn't know what she's taking she knows she's going to be sober and she's going to take him to the airport but instead she took him to the airport and said hey don't tell doug but i'm not going to come back for a long long time and she just drove off into the night so he gets to the airport and skips over the don't tell doug hey bingo i never said don't tell doug well that's what he told me you can't talk unless you're on a mic. Anyway, he said, I don't know why Bert would just come up with don't tell Doug, but Bingo denies this.

She's had a traumatic brain injury. Either way, Bert called you from the airport. Bingo told me not to say anything, but I can't not say anything. But she said she's not coming back, and she has all of her shit in the back of the Tahoe as she didn't say where she was going. So that turned into a whole thing. And then the guy she was leaving me for was in touch.

I don't know where she is either. Can I hang out? We had the Washtub Willie episodes couple yeah it was kind of epic there was a couple days where no one knew where Bingo was just driving

around the universe and then she called from New Orleans right at the end of the second podcast said she was in New Orleans and at the end of the second podcast. Said she was in New Orleans. And then she came back. That was February. That was March.

Oh, that was into March. Yes. What's next in March? Well, my mom died. Oh, that's right. Your mom. Yep. Then we went to Castle Rock County for mayor and Derek for mayor. That's it?

You're just going to gloss right over my mom died and then Castle Rock County. Remember Castle Rock County? Your mom died. What's there to say? March is usually when... Your mom dies? Usually. Every year.

It fluctuates. They base it on Easter. I don't know. March is when... I don't know how does Easter work. I was born 25 minutes before Easter,

which I remember when I heard that fact. I'm like, when's Easter? Well, it's whenever. It's like a leap year time thing, yeah. No, it's leap year, I understand. Third Sunday. That's one of the classic bingo quotes where she was in her mid-30s. And I go, you know what today is?

She goes, no, what? I go, leap year. She goes, what's leap year? You don't want February 29th? No? Really? And I mentally put that on the list of bingo-isms right next to who's Joe Pesci. Really?

I got to say, this can really happen to anyone. I just found out that the lovely Miss Tracy, the Funhouse bartender, just admitted to me the other day that she, for the longest time, was confusing Warren Buffett with Jimmy Buffett. And I really had to be like, wait a minute. How, when you're talking about like,

like stocks and high finance and all this stuff, and then they, and then they say Warren Buffett and you're thinking Margaritaville, you wouldn't say, you wouldn't question. All right. I was reading a bit of Amy Schumer's book today. The girl with the back tattoo? Yeah. The girl with the lower back tattoo. And she was talking about when she was a kid scamming jobs.

She'd just lie about her resume. And she was lying to get into some kind of bartender job. And she said, I asked, the guy asked me, what's the main ingredient in tequila? I'm going to ask you a bartender. What would you respond with that? I'd say agave, but I know that's not. That's the right answer.

Agave. But I thought it's a trick question. Well, tequila is the main ingredient in tequila. She answered triple sec. Would she get it right for a margarita? And I'm waiting for the next sentence to say, no, it's tequila. Would she get it right for a margarita? With. And I'm waiting for the next sentence to say, no, it's tequila. And the right answer is agave.

I didn't know there's an ingredient to tequila. So, yeah, I had a fucking who's Joe Pesci moment. Warren Buffett stepped on a pop-top moment. You know, it's really weird because they had to go to Agave because all of the tequila trees were wiped out in a flood during medieval times. What? The tequila trees where you'd pick the tequila orange and squoze it. No? Tequila's Mexican. Yes. pick the tequila orange and squoze it no tequila is mexican yes there was no mexicans in medieval times who do you think built the castles who dug those moats the white people that wanted

mexicans to exist and god created them to build pyramids for white people hardcore history with doug stanhope donald trump's history so uh all right moving on march i remember what i remember from march castle rock kenny and derrick for mayor that was when that we put that bid together i i wouldn't put that with a month i know that happened all right well so yeah and it never happened that was an idea that we never followed through with well that's that's my point is that that's the only time anyone was really excited about it because then they just saying hey what happened in april well i had an idea for a movie but i fell asleep drunk and never wrote it down and i or i did and i can't find the cocktail napkin and i was was never going to write it anyway.

My birthday. That's what I remember. Daytona Beach. Oh, yeah. That's what I remember about March. Killers of comedy. Junior Stopka, Andy Andrist, and Sean Rouse all on one bill with no handler. That's what I vaguely remember.

Do you remember Junior was the most responsible one? And he drove that car, that piece of shit car from Chicago? That's why he had to be responsible. It was his car. All the way down to Daytona. Well, I don't want to. We went to the Daytona gig because we wanted to stay at the beach and just be a fly on the wall. We wanted to watch this happen. I was not going to have any part of it whatsoever.

But, yeah. And we podcasted like every day. Sometimes twice a day. Chad was there. Tracy was there. You and I. Yeah, we podcasted Chad was there. Tracy was there. You and I. Yeah, we podcasted 10-minute podcasts all day long. And yeah, we drank a lot.

And we were at the hotel that was... We talked about this on the last podcast where Bill Burr will not watch the Sean Rouse as Bill Burr Puppet Act with Junior Stopka doing the voiceover. I'll tell you where you can see it. You go to YouTube and subscribe to Stanhope TV. It's one of the clips that are up there. See, we don't need notes. See?

As long as you have notes. And that's where it again has to be the drunkest year of my life that was a the one thing I remember Chad and I were just talking about this we were in the room

I can't remember the name of the hotel we were smoking you were smoking in the room because I always packed Axe body spray the little travel thing name of the hotel we we were smoking like you you were smoking in the room okay and and because i always pack ax body spray the little travel thing and just kill the room with that so we knew that so it was fucking smoke fest at one point we left the room went downstairs to the uh the bar which was only open for about 10 minutes a fucking day down there so we go down to grab a drink and chad

goes hey i left my phone up there. I'm going to go back up to the room. And so I gave him a key. He goes back up to the room. He came back down. He goes, Shaley, I went back in the room. I swear to God, I thought it was on fire. There was so much smoke.

He goes, I immediately thought I should get on my hands and knees because it was just so thick. And there was that girl downstairs at the bar who had a sob story and I was going to help her out of a bad relationship or some shit. Her boyfriend came down to Florida before her and she was from up in the Midwest or East Coast somewhere. And when she came down here, he was like fucking someone else or get the fuck out this is now but she's the only one working he's a fucking shit bag and then somehow you're gonna change her life you're calling her boss trying to get her off of a shift to come see you he came up that was it was the fucking hotel manager the black guy that came up the restaurant

manager was smoking with you in his non-smoking room. It was the hotel manager, and that's why I felt comfortable with all of his smoking, because he came up, and I go, oh, I'm sorry about the smoke smelling. I made a joke. I think it drifted in from another room. He's like, oh, and he pulls out his pack of menthols. He's like, no, no, I need the break. But he almost sounded like her pimp the way

he's talking yeah yeah it was fucked up and then i thought oh maybe this is a whole story she gives everyone i don't know and he was a comic himself isn't everyone isn't everyone do you got anything else from march no that was the 25th so well it's also when Bingo was released from the mental hospital. Oh, that's right. End of March. No, Bingo went into the fucking nutty bin. The arts and crafts. Yeah, the Valley Arts and Crafts Hospital.

It's one of my biggest regrets in life. Should I pass on this? Sorry, Eve. One of my biggest regrets is not destroying Valley Hospital. And I think the biggest reason is it's too generic a name. generic a name it's the Valley Hospital but it's a mental health slash

intervention intervention drug like a rehab mental illness in with heroin fucking addicts like they're the same thing

and they treat them like it's fucking guantanamo bay and uh yeah bingo spent eight days or so in there where all they did was treat her like she was in fucking prison and uh oh no meds no meds no phone for the first like 48 hours. She couldn't even call. No, no clothes. Yeah. Well, we dropped off clothes, but they have to be like admitted in. And it took her 48 hours to get clothes or some shit.

Valley hospital. And someone, I, Oh, that's what was going on. I was about to have the book released. So I was doing that where i didn't have the time to just destroy someone's life personally and i remember people did due diligence

the killer termites to find out who was the ceo who's responsible there was already news stories out about the umbrella corporation that owns this place, and how they were fucking people over nationwide, but they found the woman that was specifically responsible for this institution in Phoenix, and I just didn't have time to follow up to try to figure out how to make her fucking terrified for every bite of food she ever ate in Phoenix, for every time she opened her mailbox, that kind of stuff. You have to know how to massage that stuff to stay on the gray side of legal. Is he threatening me? No, I'm just talking to you a lot. This is like telemarketing days.

This is a parody. This is satire, whatever they fucking say. Did he say that I'm going to win a big screen TV? No, he said stuff that led me to believe. A screen that's big in front of your TV. The book I have never wrote about being an armchair revolutionary. And it's so much easier when you're old. When you get to a place where you can be elderly where people would never like that

guy that just shot up the fucking place he just some dude just another shooter shot up the fort lauderdale airport well if that guy was like a silver haired guy hunched over, and he got out of a wheelchair and just started shooting, they go, oh, he was crazy. He had dementia. Well, no, if you're a silver-haired fox that's finely tuned, they'll go, oh you had yeah i had dementia i can kill a lot of people or if you have fucking cancer etc etc etc go back to deadbeat hero and mother as a suicide bomber at subway

yeah April April well the number one thing for April was USA Today had a 10 best okay good good work thank you for your due diligence I need to come around

remember during this I have not done a gig. Oh, believe me, I know. I have not done a gig except for drunkenly stumbling up onto the stage during the birthday show with Junior and Sean and Andy and just yelling shit at people. Can we go back to that for a second? No, no. We're not there yet. So when we were in Daytona in March, the edict that you laid down was that, Shaylee, don't fucking help them.

We don't do nothing. Yeah, and it was like, listen, if the stage and the PA, if everything's fucked up, just stand back. And I go, you know what? We're just audience. Yes, we're going to be there. And then the show's going on. There was two nights, same room.

You go up on stage to try and orchestrate the puppet act, but Sean isn't getting it. And you're like, now you're yelling at them. And then you're yelling at the audience. Like, you don't understand. This would be so funny. How come you don't understand what? And it's like, I'm so. Sean Rouse used to do the puppet act with Bob Bitterstaff. Which made you fucking crazy.

And then I'm sitting there with Tracy in the audience going, I'm so glad we're not getting involved. This is such the right way to do this. So anyway. And I did get into a fight with a woman and then Andy almost got his ass kicked. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that we'll never remember, but that's their stories. But what I'm saying is that was one part of that.

I don't know if we talked about that. That was funny. uh the killer termites let's get back to the bisbee bisbee voted the number one small historic town by usa today's 10 best i've found jen loria's she's the now the uh uh bisbee coordinator, whatever the title is. And she has a Twitter account. And so I saw randomly, hey, Bisbee's nominated for one of the best small historic towns in America. Please vote here for the USA Today. I'm like, our kids, the killer termites. If you don't know what the

killer termites, the etymology of it, it'll be in my new book. Oh, really? Called Something, coming out soon. Yeah, I put that in there. Good. I don't know how long that the poll lasted.

It must have been two weeks because we talked about it. Yeah. And then you could see the update, and you could vote every 24 hours. So the killer termites got on it, and you could see the Bisbee go from 10. Yeah, we were 18th out of 20, and then within two days, we were number one. And then we stuck in one spot for a while. It was something in Georgia. Someplace in Georgia was number two,

and I remember looking them up on Wikipedia for notable residents to see if anyone there would have the fucking online social media clout to beat me, but they didn't. Well, the Kilanutria were really trying to push it. Oh, there were some Bisbee residents that were really pissed off. Oh, yeah, that's right. Letters to the editor

in the Observer. One lady wrote a letter to the editor going, oh, this is going to draw in all... Because we won Best Small Historic Town in America, USA Today Online, we won best small historic town in america usa today online if you click on that link it wasn't in their paper even yeah it wasn't announced in the paper because it's a whole different company it's a whole fucking clickbait scam but you know what now i I see on Tucson News advertisements, come visit Bisbee. There you got this.

They have that. They were voted the best small town in America by the USA Today. Oh, really? Guess who wasn't voted best small historic town in the US? Every other town. We were the number one. I know, but a lot of people live there, and they're very happy that no one knows that it exists. Has anything changed in town?

No. You know what? The streets got paved. Do you think that's because we're the number one historic small town? No, but do you think I want to punch an old woman in the face? Yes. Well, I would want to if I met the woman that wrote that fucking article, and I know who she is.

I would want to punch her. I wouldn't punch her in the face. More satire. But does that make it hurt less? Original sin is the thought. Is that not right? That I think about smashing her gummy mouth and when she does horrible plays,

they're fucking terrible. No one wants to see them. I had to go to one of your plays, lady. Yeah. Because a friend was in it. Do you think I want to think about punching your soft mouth in? No.

That's horrific. It's horrific to think about, but you made me think it because you put me in a fucking local editorial about what a piece of shit I am for trying to do something good for the fucking town. And you moved there in 1975, you fucking basket weave.

What happened in 1975 in Bisbee? That's when the mine went bust and you came in you fucking carpetbagger you came in and took all these fucking miners shacks oh i bought a house for fifteen hundred dollars because i was capitalizing on these poor fuckingors who had to leave with nothing. And I was an artist. I went, I could go there and paint or produce a play that somebody else wrote. You fucking basket wave. Yeah, you're a fucking carpetbagger. Focus on race and sexuality, but ignore the fact that you're only there because you capitalized on someone else's economic decline while he was tom-joding out of there with his kids in a fucking carton donkey.

You were showing up with a big, fat, LSD-driven smile on your face. Fucking obscure productions. So that was April. Yeah, May is the next month coming up. We had a bunch of book signings. We did New York. And then there was the LA books.

The New York one you and Hennegan did. And Bingo was with you. I don't know about that one. Is there a highlight to that? That was your first book signing. Well, that whole New York episode. Did you do Stern? Again, the drunkest year.

Yo, yo, it started with Stern. Oh, that's right. That's right. The drunkest year. I still look back at that day as one of the drunkest days because it starts with stern showed up drinking last couple times i did stern i i felt like i'd been somewhat duplicitous in the years i've done stern because i'd try to wake up early and peppy and not drink the night before. Be prepared.

Show up exactly the opposite of how I do shows. So I was selling a guy Jekyll and Hyde style that I am not. That's funny. And so the last couple times we started, we'd drink while we were there. We'd get a little bit drunk. But you would bring in a bottle of booze.

Yeah, a travel mug. And we would drink a traveler. Your lady will do that. I need a couple extra pictures for the YouTube channel. That's Stanhope TV where you can watch these and listen to these episodes. But that day we had this enormous day.

It was dawn to after dusk. We did Stern. So we're a little bit drunk. It's the same way I do shows now. I only do one show a night so I can time my drinking perfectly where I'm kind of happy. And then I end up a little bit drunk and then we go home. It seems a little scattershot if you just – if I just told you the way a day went or you observed on the road. But it is rather regimented. I know that after a certain hour, you observed on the road but it is rather regimented i know that after a certain

hour you're you're not taking a shower if you haven't taken a shower yet i know that you've moved on to that we need to go get some dinner and i know if it's if it's later than that then it we're not going to sushi it has to be something near the van i mean it is regimented that way we're not going out after the show if i've had more than five six drinks we'll just have a couple closer drinks at the end of the night yeah it's really built around the show absolutely there's no fun involved anymore because you can't really go out after the show i mean there's fun for us we can go back to the hotel and have fun and the few people we know in town we can invite over to the room.

But it's not like you can go to the bar next door and have fun because there's too many people, and it's always the one fucking asshole that will capitalize all your time. Fuck you, I drove all the way from St. Joseph's to be the best. And then the nice people, I don't want to bother them. So you basically get, you are very routine driven and now you're going to Stern. On the road, yes. So now you're going to Stern and the last few episodes or last few appearances, you've actually gone in like you're going to a show.

And I say this hoping that no one else listens to the podcast. But Stern, when you're doing Stern, Stern is all that matters to me. No matter what else. Promotion-wise. Yeah. Because you're promoting the book and you're in new york to do a bunch of things personally stern if i'm doing any other show stern is the one that matters most that that was my letterman

when i first did stern so we have a bunch of other stuff that I'm not unexcited about doing, but I spent my one show load. On the road, I only do one show because if I do two, I'm going to be too drunk. So I do my one load show on Stern. It was you and Bingo, right? Oh, fuck. Did we miss something here?

We must have. Missed something? We must have missed something, unless it happens later. Do you want to? Oh, no. Really? I didn't do Stern twice this year, did I? No, no.

Then we are missing a fucking huge lawsuit wasn't that last year no that was this year oh fuck we were doing the audio book the audio version of the book oh i don't even know what month this is. I have to look on. It doesn't matter. We're doing the audio version of the book, me and Chad Shank with you, when it comes out that I'm being sued by Johnny Depp's wife because I wrote an open letter on my website and fucked if I know what month that was. But you couldn't talk about it on Stern.

That's why I remembered that. I couldn't talk about it on Stern. That's why I remembered that. I couldn't talk about it on Stern. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that was before May. That was before May. At some point, yes. See, how did we fucking forget that part? Because while we're doing the audio book in the fun house where we do the podcast.

Three days in a row. Like 12 hours that first day. I think it was five, six days. Yeah, it was. But at some point, the lawsuit broke while I'm out smoking a cigarette and Chad is reading. I get a text from Brian Hennigan. Did you see this?

And the next thing I know, it's People Magazine, every fucking tabloid bullshit then a dude shows up from some tabloid website actually walks into my house we're out in the back in the fun house and i hear hello and the dogs are going ape shit and the guy walked into my fucking house through the kitchen and out the back and the door was open yeah yeah i'm and he had a british accent i am from whatever the fucking thing he's a freelance uh photographer you have any comment and i go no i was laughing because it's funny uh to have tabloid website tabloid shit i i say i i say website the same way that uh stern bitches about uh podcasts

like um websites are actually kind of more popular now than most entertainment tonights so so inconsequential. But still, it was one I'd never heard of. Ain't the fucking Daily Beast or whatever. I'd probably have a fake card too if I'm walking in people's houses. He was very polite in leaving. He said, can I at least get some footage of you telling me to fuck off? I'm like, no.

Big fan, big fan. I had to go back. a real it was so fucking crazy so well even the guy that was serving you papers you were at the house and he showed up there and i said hey doug this guy came by i fucking know i was driving i was two blocks away driving you found him and you said hey uh listen a guy just came by to serve you papers from amber heard she's suing you and i told him to beat it yeah you were very uh chad shankley you you gave him but by that point i realized listen even if they just taped it to your door and it blew away and you never found it, though, that served legally. So you described the car. I found him down on Arizona Street.

And I beeped and flashed my headlights at him. And he pulled over. Oh, and then he wanted to talk. Yeah, yeah. Because he looked through the papers. I don't know if that's the legal version of a HIPAA violation where he read the summons that he was giving me, but he wanted a lot of questions answered. And I was nice to him.

Well, you wanted to get him on the podcast. That's what I was angling at. Yeah. And he's like, I got to be somewhere. I go, well, maybe at some point. But then he kept talking to me and telling me about his life, And he's like, I got to be somewhere. And I go, well, maybe at some point. But then he kept talking to me and telling me about his life. And he's a referee for fucking shit like the Bisbee Copper Kings. He's a professional umpire slash referee for sports no one watches

in high school sports. You guys go get pizza or something? No, he kept talking to me just because he saw Johnny De depp's name in the thing oh yeah yeah and he wanted to submit a screenplay so i wanted him could you get this to mr depp i wanted him on the podcast until he kept talking and i went oh what a horrible podcast that would be. So, yeah, I get served. And then she dropped that, which really still hurts my guts. But I'll be talking about that on stage.

I'll be going back on the stage after this book is written in March. March, we start on the road. And then we're just going to fucking hammer this year. End of March. Yeah, at some point. And by the way, people are emailing and Twitter messaging me about the make-up dates. As soon as those are available, we're going to send out an email blast. Get on the mailing list at DougStanup.com and you'll get all that. Yeah, if you're not on the mailing list at DougStanup.com then you can't bitch because sometimes that's the only

way you will know that I did something remarkable. That's how Doug finds out about things. So yeah, that's the best way and as of right now I just got an update from Hennegan. He's going to get me some dates but we're just waiting to get them all

solid. But it's going to start at the end of march and then we're going through killer termites what that was april what's may uh no may was uh the book signing in uh la you did the new york one came back that was so weird and then we we all went out, Chad and Tracy and I. Oh, that's where I was, was the weirdest day, was Stern, and then it was Ron Bennington. Oh, that's right. And I had like a panic attack. It's very strange. I don't know if it, maybe it doesn't even show up.

I watched a couple things on YouTube last night which i never watched myself but right in this book i had to go back to some things i did and then i clicked on some links and i listened to things that i was absolutely horrified and embarrassed by how i did and then i actually watched or listened to them, and they weren't that bad. Yeah. Get that for him. Some of them were pretty good. Don't make that a habit. I won't listen to the Bennington thing because I'm still, it gives me acid in my guts to think I had the fucking booze shakes, even though I had been drinking on Stern. Wait a minute.

Didn't you do Artie Lang's after that? Oh, no, no, no. You did? I did like five others. I did Feldman's podcast, which I loved Feldman's thing. I got along great with him. That was one of the highlights of the day. And then I had to go do Anthony Cumia's new show where I felt fantastic,

but I was probably the biggest douchebag. Like, the stuff that I watched that I thought I was horrible at, I was not bad. And the stuff like Anthony Kimia, I just walked in like I owned the place and I was probably the biggest pile of shit ever. I don't know. I want the memory rather than the reality.

The facts. It culminates at Artie Lange's house. And there's Mario Bosca. I'm guessing at your name it was some small lady boy that he had there he's a comedian an assistant or no he's a young comedian he's a young boy slash girl which i kept i remember just saying you're not a boy you're a girl and he kept fighting with me in a high-pitched voice that he was really a boy i have no idea all i know is arty dropped me off back at the hotel from across a bridge and i i think we were both thinking i know i said it he didn't say it back but like hey i'm really worried about your

bro kind of shit i think we both parted ways thinking oh that guy's gonna be dead in a month and it's like a mutual respect for but like the yeah from. Yeah, from 6 a.m. when I woke up to get ready for Stern, meaning shave, shower, and get drunk quickly, till fucking 10 o'clock at night when Artie dropped me off. Yeah, I would say, oh, that guy's going to be dead soon about me. And that was May. That was, uh,

I think it was, yeah, somewhere in May because then you did the LA book signing after that. And that's when we all flew out to LA and you did a book soup. Was it the book? Yeah. Book soup on sunset. And then we did a,

we did a periscope of that whole thing. And then we went over to the comedy store and had a fucking great time. Jesus. This year, I've been at the comedy store so many times that I don't remember that I think maybe I have a problem. The one year my mom dies, I go to L.A. more than any time in the past 15 years. I'm thinking of other stories I can't even tell.

Yeah, well, we can move over that we've talked a lot about because you did a podcast a swap cast with uh eleanor and the other gent who's the other guy i wasn't there so one day i'll be able to tell the story about my mother's ashes but we're gonna save that, that'll be good. And Chaley will still gag that he was part of it? I looked up a lot of things after that night. Okay. June was interesting because – well, okay.

Killer Termite's Day was supposed to be in May. And they were doing – the Tucson Saguaros were doing their Sunday games at the Warren Ballpark in Bisbee. And we started going out, and we were trying to get, I think, May 6th or something to be the killer termites day and we treated it like it was anyway then the i was gonna stop you and tell you this podcast has gone on too long but when i'm in the middle of writing a book i realized this podcast might be just for us. One day should we live. Fuck the listener. Let's get the details out. I like going over the year. The more we're doing this, like now we're at May.

I thought we'd be done by now. But, I mean, some of the stories that are coming out, I think this is kind of like your process, too. When we got really drunk last night talking about some of the things that you and I haven't talked about that I thought might be interesting to me in the book. And I've got my fucking notebook filled from last night talking about some of the things that you and i haven't talked about that i thought might be interesting to me in the book and i've got my fucking notebook filled from last night yeah what's your name with the vacuum cleaner the tiger face i still don't know your tiger face captain ritter smell my finger lakeshore theater hey the next book my prerogative the next book is going to be nothing but fun. Maybe not the greatest through line, et cetera, et cetera,

but the stories, there's no sad mother shit. I love the fact that- This is the book you wanted me to write the first time. All your friends will be able to corroborate or expound on everything that you write. Or deny or sue. And- Sue! Yeah, that's the weird thing is the lawyer thing.

But like in the way... Actually, no, the great thing is... Well, they're all comics. Almost none of my friends made it big. So they... They want the mention. They won't... No, no, use my real name.

It's not going to stain their reputation because they don't have one still. No, no, if I sound gay, I'll be gay. I'm not gay, but I'll be gay in the book. It's cool. It's cool. Don't ruin the James Inman is gay story. I'm at Chuckle Buckets next week. Can we put that in there too?

Hey, the other thing is obviously we've talked about in the past, number seven on audible.com's the book of the year. Oh yeah, on audible.com's book of the year? Oh, yeah. On audible.com, we were number seven most downloaded.

And they put that out like December 23rd or something. And I went, the year's not over. So I'd love to see their tally after I tweeted that. I bet we had to go to at least six.

Well, we didn't really have time to put it up. Interrobang, you know what? I'm going to say thank you. We were ranked the best comedy book on interrobang.com. It's a comedy website that I enjoy, and I know it was based on votes votes so i was the best clickbait of the year so i i i i hate promoting that and i voted for uh i voted for other shit that won i voted for baskets that won the best and that's coming out in like two weeks. Yeah, it's coming up because

January 19th or 14th? I think it's the 19th. They've got their ad campaign going right now. So you're constantly seeing Louis Anderson and fucking... The best casting that's ever been. Martha Kelly is like

so perfect. So good. She's ever been. Martha Kelly is like so perfect. So good. Martha Yeah, no, but you just said sorry, I'm looking for an ashtray. Louis Anderson as the mom where you don't even think that's a dude in a wig.

You think that's a hilarious woman. It's good. Fucking amazing. So, yeah, I'm glad that I got some small press and baskets gets whatever. So good at all. Where are we going next? Oh, June. I don't remember June at all.

Okay, I know because in June, the Saguaros continued to play on Sundays, and at one point they asked us to announce a game. And at the fourth or fifth inning listen bisbee has the oldest working ballpark in america and since we've lived there for the most part they had some kind of startup professional non-professional team that would play on the weekends or the Suwarows only one day a week. And we would support them. And we were the only regulars that would support them because it's two blocks from my house.

So we can walk down, get shit-faced, bring our own sneaky bottles in, wear a Rambo Army field jacket that clanks like it's jingle bells. There's no metal detectors. This is just old, broken down 1908 ball field. And we just sit there and get shit-faced and heckle. And we try to keep it family friendly. I imagine it's like Vic Morrow in Bad News Bears, the other guy's coach that was always bitching about Kelly and his motorcycle.

That was Vic Moro that died in a helicopter accident? Yeah, yeah. He was the coach from the other team that they ended up playing at the end of the year. Yeah. But him and the mom around the snack bar and that other shit, they would always bitch about Kelly. Kelly with his motorbike and then Buttermaker with the beer. And yeah. Yeah.

So that's our ball field. This was a new team. The Tucson Saguaros came in and they're going to do once a week. And they heard through the grapevine that we're the fans, the only fans that they'll have. So we make a big production. And they asked us to announce a game because at the beginning, they didn't even have a PA.

They had a guy yelling, just yelling, like from the back of the room. And at the end of the third inning, the Saguaro's yelling from the stands. And sometimes there's no one saying anything. Now coming to the plate, they had some dude that was, he had no idea. So Chaley, of course, brings down a PA system. Shitty, but all they needed for that small a crowd. We brought fucking megaphones at one time. Bullhorns.

We've brought that to the fucking thing. a crowd. We brought fucking megaphones at one time. Bullhorns. We brought that to the fucking thing. The first time you brought a bullhorn, you left the game, went to the house, got a bullhorn so that guy could announce where people could hear him. Or just that there's hot dogs for sale. Jesus Christ. They're so

fucked up. So then they put us in the booth. And yeah, we got three innings. Did we last before the umpire? I think it was two and a half. The umpire said that they were going to fucking call the game if we didn't leave. There was a warning to cut it out kind of thing. Like cut the shit.

But this came from the snack bar lady. Like the ump told someone who told... No, no, no. He wouldn't tell her. We just need to know where to focus our vitriol and then it's a problem. But the snack bar lady,

we're not going to yell at her. We support them. For the listener, on the mics, we're saying, okay, we're doing some passive-aggressive jokes. Oh, my God, no, it was bad. But we're talking at this level over the loudspeaker, which is not loud. So once we get thrown out of the announcer's booth,

Fifth inning, fifth or sixth inning. Then we move down where we're three rows away from the actual players in an absolutely silent stadium so imagine you're at bat and we were talking like this we were saying some things that were subtly it was two deaf schools playing each other, because there's no announcing going on. It's ball strike out. Not literal deaf schools. No, that's what it was like.

Gallaudet was not there. But as soon as they threw us out, now we can go right behind the player's head as not announcers and only fans going, you fucking suck! Right right in their ear there's no other noise drowning us out just remembered i remember 20 of us remember someone put i think it was amy j put flyers up about an umpire training school and flired all the telephone poles and the walls and

doug you were saying that that was the sponsor was the umpire school yes oh that's right well we were announcing that that was one of the subtle hackles that pitch brought to you by and then it was because i had someone google an umpire school and that uh that strike brought to you by uh landmark school for umpires and bethesda marylander is it full on yeah it was i just read their i read their whole you know i just read it off google we had we had the mute. Oh, oh. What'd you got? We forgot totally the beginning of the game. They said, play the national anthem. And we're like, what do you mean?

It's like, you have to have the national anthem. Look, no one told us we needed to. So everyone was standing on the baselines. We had nothing to play. I think that's when. they were very upset about that and one guy the guy who manages the field he doesn't have anything to do with the ball team

understand this is when they asked Chaley we're fans and they asked us if we could bring down the PA again so could bring down the PA again. So we brought down the PA. And then we got yelled at for not having the national anthem.

We don't run this team. We pay you to be here. Wait a minute. We pay for hot dogs. We pay for beers. Tell me where to park, where to plug in, and that I need the fucking national anthem. We're not communists it takes me 20 seconds to download yes we are but but it doesn't we are communist no time at all to

download it tell me don't come up later and go get these motherfuckers out of here because when they didn't say that they hey who doesn't have the national anthem like you know what i bet you don't on your phone dude because if you did you did, you would have played it. They were so mad. They were so fucking pissed at us. So the guy, he texted me today. I don't know how he has my number. Because they only played one season. And we didn't care for the Tucson Saguaros.

Because they weren't ballplayers. Like fucking all the way Aldris. And fucking Robbie. The guys we put up. The Bisbee Blue yeah this new team they're big shots from Tucson and they didn't want to have fun

they weren't friendly at all the other guys would hang out and shit this team and they go hey we're trying to get back Tucson Suarez the fucking ninny team from last year.

Yeah, they wanted to come back. And no one from the Bisbee School District that run the field would get back to them. And he texted me and I gave him the fucking mayor's number, which sorry, Mr. Mayor. I probably shouldn't have done that without your permission. But I just gave him your number. I go, call the mayor and tell him I told you to call, and he'll tell you who at the Bisbee Unified School District you should talk to. I mean, that's what you do.

Come on. That's a revenue stream. I mean, it's one day a week. They're coming out. They're driving out from Tucson. Yeah, but I got shit to do. And you know what? Make sure your

ball players have fucking fun this time and acknowledge the only people that show up and have their own promotions like yeah they have mini bat day at your new york mets game well we make up our own promotions because we're the only fucking audience and like we did wife beater day where we just wore wife beaters and had all our girlfriends have fake black eyes and blackout teeth yeah yeah that was not sponsored by the club because we're the only fucking fan base you'll ever get except for desperate fucking uh misachieved children that you had. You want to go see your daddy play ball? Well, he says he's not my daddy.

Well, that's for the courts to decide. Other than that, it's us. Okay, so I know we were going to take a break after June, but July. Yeah, if I have to do a fucking read, we better take a break now. All right, let's take a break, and then we'll come back, and we'll talk about Killer Termites Day, and then we'll do the rest of the 2016 wrap-up. You're in the view.

All right. If only for us. Click. Please hold. Hey, you miserable cunts. You want to ever see me again? You go to the Stanhope store at DougStanhope.com. We have new vinyl.

Something to take the edge off on vinyl. That's right. Something to take the edge off on vinyl. Drunk with power pint glasses and stanhope shot glasses as well as uh t-shirts pop-up vodka presents which is coming out as i believe we're going to put that on itunes we filmed that in the fun house uh so pop-up vodka presents we have to sell those before we put the shit out because we will get the cease and desist. The Doug Stano podcast t-shirts.

Abortion is Green is back by popular demand. Death of a Salesman as well. And we got stickers, CDs, DVDs. And now the Doug Stano store at DougStano.com. Open 24 hours. People are doing methamphetamine and staying up. You never know what hour. So please go to the merch store at Doug Stanoff dot com and buy some shit.

It keeps Chaley here. It keeps the podcast going. And you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye. And you want that shit. And anything else you want, we'll make. Bye.

That wasn't much of a break. All right, that was a fantastic break. And now we're in July. The killer termites, after much negotiations, were officially proclaimed by the mayor, then mayor, the lame duck dog shit sits around the corner store smoking cigarettes like a Brendan Walsh inspired gum chewing teenager guy yeah he uh he did proclaim that uh july 3rd was the uh official killer termites day because you guys made bisbee voted the see that's how long it was you started this in april so it must have gone off for fucking i don't know i no no we get it proclaimed in july i don't know how long either way uh we missed the may 6th and then somewhere in the bisbee city charter court records it is official that july 3rd 2016 was Killer Termites Day

because you made us voted number one and we thank you. What else? July, you actually went on tour. We started the Horrible People Tour with Brett Erickson and Christine Levine

and Roseanne Baller. Roseanne showed up a couple We had Chris Fairbanks. Fairbanks showed up in Montana. Who else went up? We had a couple shows where people just showed up. Anyway. No one necessarily showed up in Fort Collins, but I remember that being one of my favorite shows ever.

What was the name of that place? Well, Cave Maggie showed up at that place. Oh, that was the boot. The boot bar and grill. No idea. Victoria, my ex-girlfriend from Digging Up Motherplug, my book. Yeah, my old girlfriend that fucking left me for heroin and crack. She was rather charming.

She's always still funny. I remember I got there, and you just wanted her. We were so far away from the gig that I've actually talked to Hennigan. I go, listen, dude, quit saving nickels. We passed like 20 hotels from the place where the ex-crack girl was like, how come you guys are staying here? This is the problem with Hennigan booking gigs. Or not booking gigs, but booking travel.

Travel. Is you have to weigh his cheapness versus my laziness. I'm too lazy. It's a pain in the ass to get on Expedia. We want to stay as close to the gig as possible. Walking preferred. Yeah. If there's a $30 youth hostel right next to the gig, I'll stay there.

No, we'll put people in our- If there's a $300 hotel right next to the gig. I'll stay there. Hennigan goes for cheap and always cheap. Freeway access. Remember that hotel? Cigarette smoking and pot smoking are both smoking. You will be charged $250 in your room. Definitely Colorado.

That's Colorado. I need more water in my Iced tea ashtray Yeah that was Colorado New Pot Oh is there a See that's what I was afraid of Okay good What else

Horrible People Tour was great First tour in a while Roseanne showed up On two different dates in Colorado Springs and Salt Lake. Crushed it. That was a lot of fun. And that was the first time I met her, and she was kick-ass. Remember, she got in the car. She's one of my favorite people alive.

Not just comic people she's so much fun to be around we didn't you and i didn't tell anyone that she may or may not be somewhere on the tour and and erickson was sitting in the back of the suburban which is the third row and we got i think we've got the portable bar with him. So his head might be down. Well, Roseanne and her daughter, Roseanne gets in the front next to me. And Levine. Levine doesn't know shit yet. Yeah.

And Roseanne's daughter gets in next to you in the middle seat. I have to pick up my friends. Yeah. And then Levine comes. She opens the passenger seat, the middle seat, opens the door and gets in. And immediately she thought, am I in the wrong car? Because she saw Roseanne with these big wraparound shades. She didn't know who it was. She didn't know, and then she saw you, and then she gets in.

But she still doesn't know. And Erickson, even though we were talking to Roseanne, I don't know what the fuck he was doing back there. He had no idea that that was Roseanne. He thought it was someone named Roseanne. He didn't know it was the comedian Roseanne. And only when Christine was like, what the fuck? I mean she freaked out. And then Erickson is like – then he looked up.

I don't know what he's writing in his journal or something. But yeah, it was very funny. And the that uh she ended up going on stage that night and fell in love with just like the whole the process fell in love with christine working on pilots and shit which i knew she would love christine uh but i remember introducing her in Salt Lake. She ended up- Hey, this show is going to run long but we try to make room for local comics because that's where Roseanne grew up in Salt Lake.

And I said, so is it okay, female comics kind of get shit on but you ready for a local female comic or whatever I said, so is it okay, you know, female comics kind of get shit on, but you ready for a local female comic or whatever I said? Just softballing it. Didn't you call her the next Roseanne? Was that the one? Well, I introduced Christine first. Oh, that's right.

As they call her the next Roseanne Barr, and Christine went up and crushed, and then I did the softball opening. I know this is running along, but can you spend some time to listen to a local female comic? They call her the next Roseanne Barr. Please welcome Roseanne Barr. And she comes up, and it takes a minute for people to realize,

oh, fuck, that is Roseanne Barr. That was a fun night. Yeah, we did that twice. We did that in Colorado Springs and Salt Lake. That was wicked fun. And I say nothing ever happens on my street. So we go to August. Yep.

Oh, fuck. I remember something. Oh, all right. I have something in August. I remember something. Oh, all right. I have something in August. You have notes. Well, just highlights. Derek went to jail. Yeah.

We'll skip over that. That's a good podcast. Listen to that. And our favorite band that shows up, Black Pussy, came by. Black Pussy came by? And they cooked like motherfuckers and drank like crazy oh i'm sorry i thought you were going to my 25th year anniversary in las vegas that's in september i know what my fucking anniversary is yeah i'm going by a hoser.

Yeah, it was August 28th in Vegas. Now they call it the dive bar. The dive bar. Used to be the escape lounge, too, where the drinks are always free. Yeah. Open 24 hours. Pre-drinking a gay bar with Chad Shank and his wife. The garage. It was a gay sports bar, which is

very strange. It confused Chad Shank even more that it's a sports bar, but it's a gay bar, which was confusing to me, but Chad Shank's first time in a gay bar. I asked... We did coke in the toilet. I asked

our contact, Alex, just Alex, we would like to go to a local bar, like within walking distance hopefully. There's no green room at the bar I first started in. There's a toilet. So what's the closest bar? Is there something close by? Well, there's this one bar and I checked. There's really nothing going on there uh it's a gay bar i go that that's perfect that that we this this is by design that would be

great i drop you guys off and then i go to the venue and we're only like a block and a half away so it's it's even better right and then i find out from you guys the place is packed they're like have like dollar keg night or some fucking crazy thing two for one drinks so it's like i don't know what you saw that you thought it wasn't going to be busy there but it was slamming it was slamming at that bar and probably because it was august so all it's on is baseball there's no hockey there's no football There's no hockey. There's no football. There's no basketball. So the queers feel okay about going to a sports bar

so long as it's not really sports. Got it. That makes sense. And then the two-for-one drinks. Probably. But I could tell when I talked to you like check in with you before you guys

are going to come over that you probably wanted to just stay there instead of going to the dive bar you guys were having fun it was a good time it was so much fun I remember Geechee Guy destroyed the place at the dive bar at the dive bar

it was so much fun and then oh well that was that's when the whole inman thing came down because we stayed there i don't know how many days we stayed there the show was just one night but we did a million podcasts that's where I got back in touch with Tom Konopka. Tom Konopka showed up. We did a... Oh, fuck. We did Juggie Angelique and Todd... Bridges. Bridges.

The Vegas Toddcast. How's that doing, by the way? Pretty good. Pretty good. Is it good? Fuck. And Inman lost his mind. If you are new to the podcast, just do – there's a search feature.

Look – just grab anything with Inman on it and just to get a flavor of what we're talking about here. Because he went – that was off the Richter scale, that Vegas trip. That was off the Richter scale, that Vegas trip, which we'll get to the recap or the end of that when we get to the second part of the tour. You're not going to make it. No, no. My Xanax is kicking in. All right, let's do this. At the end – I still wonder, would I rather this year – because we're going to hit the road hard a lot,

and I'm thinking, would I rather not even be part of it to do the Unbookables Part 3 that we talked about on a podcast that you'll have to find and not be part of it or be part of it and let someone else produce the Unbookables Part 3 where I don't have to are you asking me no no i don't trust anyone but me on either side of the coin but the i think we talked a little bit and i don't trust me on either side of the coin all right we talked a little bit about it but the best part was the hour or two hours that we were driving and fucking just coming up with ideas

on how to do Unbookables Part 3. That was fun. You don't remember? What are you doing? You had your hernia operation and then in October, we did Horrible People Part 2 with Andy and Junior Stopka.

Funny, funny. Travel, travel. Farts Festival. We came home, travel, farts festival. We came home, did the farts festival. That's when the really drunk part starts. That's what obliterates a lot of what happened. Yeah, there was a lot of fun. There was a lot of frivolity. There was a lot of pee.

There's a lot of things you should have blacked out. You didn't. You want to apologize to people, but maybe they don't feel bad about it. There's a lot of things you should have blacked out. You didn't. You want to apologize to people, but maybe they don't feel bad about it. I don't know what's going on. And then the slow decline of 2016. Butcher a black dog. We did again with Chad.

Well, we did a tour in between Farts Fest. What? We did a tour. in between Farts Fest. What? We did a tour. We did Farts Fest. Then we went on a tour and got back just in time. Wrong. I'll tell you the last date. Tulsa Aloft Hotel.

Yeah, what date was that? It was the one before Farts Fest. Yeah. Yeah, all right. We came home, and then three days later, we had Farts Fest. All right. Then what happened between Farts Fest. Yeah. Yeah, all right. We came home, and then three days later, we had Farts Fest. All right. So what happened between Farts Fest and Halloween? Nothing.

Because Farts Fest was September 21, 22. No, no, October. We're in October. Yeah. 23, 24, I think. Anyway, then we did the Butcher Black Knob Halloween again with Chad Shank and Fury helped us out. And then it was Bingo's 40th birthday party. Well, my November starts with Bingo in a coma.

Yeah, that's her 40th birthday party. She didn't quite make it that far. It's only a birthday if you blow out the candles. So she still hasn't had one. And then while she was in a coma we went to la yeah and did the end she's going to go but uh she's a go but fuck it we don't cancel gigs it was the end of the world podcast was the presidential election, which I begged out of. I still haven't watched it. One day, if I have to, I will. But I remember I opened with reading text messages I sent to Joe Rogan.

Please get me out of this. That was great. It's pointless. No one cares because Hillary's obviously going to win. I don't want to do this. This is before Ben's in a coma just please this is the back and forth between you and Rogan

and I opened the podcast that night with it no one cares Hillary's going to win and then I was so fucked because Bingo was so fucked and well I don't know if you want to say this but I will So fucked because Bingo was so fucked.

I don't know if you want to say this, but I will. The only reason I think you even showed up there was because Manson showed up at the house. Oh, no. I was already in L.A. when I called Manson. He showed up within 30 minutes which his tour manager said, there's no way. He never, it takes him two hours to leave the one room

to go to the next. And he got there and honestly. Within 30 minutes. Yeah. I called him because he was the only guy I could think of

that could relate to me as fucked as my head was. And we were all in the house trying to sleep a little bit, and you were yelling and yelling, killing strangers down in the kitchen. Yeah, I was singing his song, killing strangers on top of my lungs.

So I came down and ate a potato just so you didn't have to be in the room alone, and I don't even know if you knew I was there, but that's when Manson called you, and he showed up, and he went to the show behind the scenes, and it was a lot of fun. My whole thing was all you have to do is go out once or twice, and then there will be so many other comics that it won't matter,

and then you stayed out there the whole time. Most of it. Most of it. All right. Let's just cut to New Year's Eve. Bingo after six days in a coma. Hold on a second. What do you got?

The eBay yard sale? You don't want to say thank you to everyone for the yard sale? Thank you to the assholes. What are you doing? There's no microphone, but you keep talking and smoking. She's not smoking. She's holding that for me because they don't have ashtrays here. Here we go.

Ready? eBay yard sale. Oh, he's going to cut that out. I'm cutting all that other shit out. He's cutting that out. What a dick. No, you're not cutting that out. I asked your wife to do one friendly thing is hold a cigarette and you accuse her for smoking

eBay yard sale putting it in her mouth and inhaling eBay yard sale was uh uh another hit and thank you because uh yeah I don't want to say we need the money because we don't need the money more than the people that bought shit need the money. We're doing pretty good. But, yeah, put a little crimp in the Christmas stocking to cancel a tour and hang out in a hospital for a month. Cancel the tour. Yeah. And the people that all came out, the friends and family of bingo that were here and then left and came back. Yeah. It was an amazing and I can't even put it together. The same way you guys think about I can't really comprehend Trump as the president.

Well, I still haven't even tried to. I was there the night he got elected doing a podcast, one of the most epic podcasts ever that I was so distant from because my wife was in a coma in a hospital a state away. Because my wife was in a coma in a hospital a state away. But I thought I'd plow through with this because that's how I deal with things, is doing the wrong thing. Either way, it didn't matter. She was in a coma. It's not like she was going, where is Dan Hope? So, yeah, Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer, Morgan Murphy, Joe Rogan, fucking other people I didn't even know, other people I go, why are they on this? Fitzsimmons was there in the beginning.

Jim Jeffries brought his fucking kid. Yeah, well, shouldn't talk about that. He got thrown out. Well, I was kind of melancholy that night with the wife in a distress but uh if any kid comic showed up with a kid and i was in my right mind i'd go fuck off get the fucking kid out here how dare you bring a fucking kid into a green room where i'm smoking and maybe something else i know you i know you want to wrap it up as a 2016 year in review but this this one thing, we would be remiss if we didn't say thank you to Sal Volcano for the Impractical Jokers fans sending vodka to bingo.

Is that a 2016 or 17 thing? It was before New Year's. Well, the vodka is still coming in. It's still coming in. We've already addressed the salvo. I'm just saying. We will address it again because vodka is still coming in. We're over 200 bottles of vodka

for bingo on the hashtag vodka for bingo. And yes, we will thank you if we live through all 200 and something bottles and if we die from it i want that on the tombstone of the grave i will never have sal volcano killed this man he'd probably be upset by that that's why i want you to do that unless you tell me otherwise that's what it's going to be and i want it to be the cheapest headstone ever where it's written

with sharpie i'm just gonna spray paint it on a coffee can whatever it is coffee can as long with sharpie here lies doug stan. Put it in the dog shit yard. I don't even want a graveyard. Don't spend a nickel. The fake Christmas tree orchard. Never spend a nickel on dead people, you fucking stooges. What? We spent $5,000 on my mom to be buried.

You spent $5,000 to have your fucking dead mother... For a plot, right? Why? I didn't do this. This is my brother's thing. So you didn't spend shit? No, no, no. The estate spent that.

The estate, yes. So that's $5,000 you don't have. She doesn't want to be buried? How did she want... She doesn't want anything. She's dead. Exactly. That was my point.

I'm so glad to not have family anymore. Oh, today when we had breakfast and maybe you were too into your eggs Benedict, but I was eavesdropping. No, I was totally listening to that table behind us, which had like four or six older people. To my left, yeah. They were talking like our parents would be talking to other people their same age and making me cringe with every fucking statement

because everything made me realize I don't have to listen to that anymore i don't have to justify why i don't work at a corporate job or someone goes i guess if you think you're happy what did you say think i'm happy that that was the conversation going on they were talking about one of the daughters and the dad was like deflating like she just buckled down and it's like what the fuck see i should have got the eggs bingo wanted to go to the bar and i'm like well we have all the booze in the room why are you going to spend 14 on a vodka soda that we have for a nickel in here she just want to get the fuck out i get it but we're not going to stay there and it was such a cacophony of the worst conversations in the world again

we're at basically a country club that's gorgeous except there's people that go to these places at it. And we're wearing pajamas. And it's hard for me to not say stuff. But I'd like to say this in closing. I'm drunk. I got to get up in fucking seven hours and drive bingo back to her meds. And football's over. Football starts again tomorrow. God willing, the Miami Dolphins beat the Steelers,

you piece of shit team full of fucking hangers on. Dad, come on. Steelers are going to do it. Of course they are. They're the only ones. I told you last night. Mad Dog was talking about it on Sirius, and I don't follow anything, but honestly, they're the only ones. I told you last night. Mad Dog was talking about it on Sirius, and I don't follow anything. But honestly, they're the only ones.

I'm just kidding. I just want that look in your face. He's going to keep talking. Bingo loves the Miami Dolphins. We hope they win. We hope the Steelers never win anything ever. And all your dumb fans that think, oh, they're a blue-collar team no they drive escalades in your blue-collar town and rape without consequence i apologize for tracy hey uh

i mean all football teams do but you act like they're blue-collar because they're in your town no they rape without consequence like everyone else if you get a chance go on amazon and Football teams do, but you act like they're blue-collar because they're in your town. No, they rape without consequence like everyone else. If you get a chance, go on Amazon and watch One Mississippi. Tig Notaro is fucking amazing. Just finished watching it. We talked about it earlier. That's a really good series. And it's coming back for another season.

If I could leave bingo for Tig Notaro or Maria Bamford? Notaro all the way. No question. I think Tig Notaro might actually leave gaietyism for me. Gaietyism? When we get to a certain age where sexuality is not – I think, yeah, Tig Notaro, I think we've always had a crush on each other. I think, yeah, Tig Notaro, I think we've always had a crush on each other. So you guys could sit across a meal and not look or talk to each other the whole time?

Yeah. Yeah, that's your bliss. I think we could get along. Yeah. But unfortunately, Bingo just got a clear bill of health for her brain, so she's probably not going to die from the fall. You know, something happens and you always hope for the worst. Well, I bet Tig did.

I bet somewhere Tig Notaro is going, god damn it, she lived. I don't run my own Twitter account but I hear back from the people that do. She gets an update every day. Sounds like Bingo's gonna live.

So that one little crush we had between a gay lady and a soft man might never come to fruition. But don't worry. Even though we're in a warm climate in Tucson, sometimes you can find

slippery stairs for bingo to fall down this is for you tig i guess we should play uh yeah pick a song i think we've done Funeral Party too many times. No, I mix it up. I'm going to go with... I guess we can't do anything unlicensed. We can do things we have permission for. Which... What do we... The people who you have their phone number.

Just play something awful. What wraps up 2016 perfectly? Funeral party would be the one. That's where I was going. But that does... Hey, get your picks ready for the Doug Stanhope Celebrity Death Pool run by Joby

and that I won't even really have time to put any effort into. So yeah, go sign up for the celebrity death pool uh dot com and blah blah blah and play funeral party death funeral click bye one two three seven The Priest is here, and the casket is ready Her body inside looks nice and steady Let's play it for the man, for the last time Play it for the man, farewell Play it for the man, for the last time

Play it for the man, praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Now the priest is talking And the casket starts to move Everybody's crying we all

got the groove let's play it for the man for the last time play it for the man farewell play it for the man for the last time play it for the man

praise the Lord And we got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Got to go on with the funeral party Yeah! Alright! Everybody, cry.

Yeah. Praise the Lord. Yeah. Yeah. Outro Music