The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #192: Alaska pt. 3 and OrgyDome!

Episode Date: January 28, 2017

Doug finally gets to the Alaska Podcast pt. 3 live in the FunHouse. Then the OrgyDome!Check out Alaska pt. 1 ( http://bit.ly/2k2uGQL ) & Alaska pt. 2 ( http://bit.ly/2jySKMs ).Recorded Jan 25, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Jobi (@StanhopesCDP), Luquer & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Saving Myself for Jesus", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Todd Barry's book, "Thank you for coming to Hattiesburg" - http://toddbarry.com/pre-order-todds-book-thank-you-for-coming-to-hattiesburg/- The Phil Hendrie Show - http://www.philhendrieshow.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

It's rolling. Just checking. Yeah. I'm going to move this. I don't want to eat while I'm... Yep, don't eat on mic. The lip smacking has got to be amazing. There's a little heat on that.

I learned that from Todd Barry's book. We share that same... It's called mysophonia. Yeah. The irritation of lip smacking. It's, yeah, fucking drives you fucking crazy. Mouth sounds. Yeah. The irritation of lip smacking. It's, yeah, fucking drives you fucking crazy. Mouth sounds. Yeah, so I always knew I had it,

and every time I brought it up on the podcast, I'm sure someone tweeted that at me, but after I read Todd Barry's book, I don't know when it's coming out, but I wrote the forward. So, yeah. What's the name of the book? Do you remember? Thank You for Coming

to Hattiesburg. Oh, there's just a giant tornado there. Killed a bunch of people. But we played there at Hattiesburg. It's a travel log book of a year playing the same shitholes we play, a lot of the specific same shitholes.

Roanert Park, Sally Tomatoes, you remember that gig? Wow, he's doing that? Yeah, he did that. And Hattiesburg, we played the Thirsty Hippo. Thirsty Hippo, that's right. And I remember taking a picture of it going, hey if you're

anyway, never mind. That was the one that had the actual venue was up front like a coffee house and then in the back we walked in thinking. Yeah, we just looked through the window when it was closed. We're looking through the window before like hours before the gig to like get a like a lay of the land because no one's even there.

And we're like, oh, fuck. This is going to be the fucking worst. Because there's a corner stool stage for someone to do poetry or acoustic guitar. Yeah, we didn't know there was a full stage in the back. We've had gigs like that where it's like, that's your stage. And it was, yeah. Hattiesburg was new on the back. We've had gigs like that where it's like, that's your stage. And it was, yeah. Hattiesburg was new on

the menu. So Chad Shank is back. Hello everybody. Yay. People stop in traffic, applaud, and then keep going. Joby's here. Chaley's here. Tracy's working the bar.

All is right in the world. I have nothing. I've been just working on the book and nothing else. So I have a podcast list that's blank. All I know is Mishka Shibali is coming to the UK May 4 through 28 in this year of our Lord 2017, the year of no God assuredly. And he needs dates. He's having a hard time getting fucking clubs to book.

So at Mishka Shibali or MishkaShibali.com. It's not that hard to find him on Google. Mishka Shibali, S-H-U-B-A-L-Y. I think he's the only guy that comes up when you Google that. So yeah, get a hold of him. I've worked your club. Book Mishka. He's not a comedian.

He's a songwriter in a Tom Waits vein that is drunkard friendly to the extreme. And yeah, he's pretty funny. But if you get any kind of fucking gin joint, hole in the wall, corner bar, with a stage like the front of the Thirsty Hippo, he'll play the front of the Thirsty Hippo if there's a...

Maybe a... I was going to say... What do they call themselves? Liverpool and Manchester, they have weird names for themselves. Scousers. Oh, they're not Thirsty Hippos? That was a local reference. No, I didn't know if Liverpool maybe had another branch or franchise

of the Thirsty Hippo Hattiesburg chain. So, yeah, I'm going to just throw this entire podcast on you. The listener. Tom. Tom. My favorite kind of podcast. Tom has a – Doug refuses to talk and throws it on everybody else.

But I sure hope Doug refuses to talk but only interjects with snide remarks, comments, and blowing smoke to the microphone. That'd feel really bad because we have a couple of old Alaska friends. Oh, shit. Wasn't she going to be on the podcast? She was just here two minutes ago. All right. I thought that's why we rushed this. We're not rushing anything.

This is about the time we usually start. No, I'm saying that she's only here for a limited time. Oh. Exactly. Well, tomorrow night we were all going to go to dinner because they're leaving on Friday morning. Yeah, that's why at some point we've got to get Luca on this podcast. Does she know that?

Yes. I just realized that's why we made the snap decision to do this tonight before she left that's why i wanted tracy and her to get up here a quick a little glug glug going for uh lucar and then uh the stories will come yeah well then maybe we have to take an extended break after we open this up a lot of people including myself are not just glad to see chad shank back chad but actually in a good headspace yeah no i'm not i'm not in a good headspace at all but i'm able to fake it i haven't been able to fake it at all this is where i cry bullshit because i was trying to pound out the rest of a chapter of the book since you got here you came in talking about you've been working on fucking audible.com

not not.com but voiceover shit and you've been motivated i don't know if that's through stimulants or just feeling good no i i have not taken any more of the uh dirty adderall since the last time we discussed it on here a lot of people on Twitter thought maybe that's what I was going. I was on a meth binge, but I was not. I'm probably still recovering from that. I think most of that went away. I think I've just been having regular old suicidal thoughts. I don't think.

Nothing wrong with that. Ho hum, yawn. Yeah. Hey, I don't need drugs to have a bad time. I can be suicidal naturally. I thought about it a while back. I was trying to, it's like, where did I get, where did this go seriously wrong? And I think it's whenever I decided I was like, I need to have meditation.

I was going to talk to Tom because I know Tom does martial arts and stuff. Tom just joined us, by the way. So I started meditating because I was depressed and I hated myself. And it raised my awareness, but not in the way that I wanted it to, because then I just hated myself because I hate myself. I was like, that's where I really went bad. I was better off when I was naive. But you look better right now than last time.

Oh, yeah. He really does. Solid faker. You were a fucking good one. I know why I've been afraid to do hallucinogens for the last several years. I have broken down when I was drinking, but yeah, I don't want that kind of clarity. When I used to

enjoy hallucinogens, it's because I was feeling better about myself so internal reflection was not going to be grimacing that's why you need a face painter on staff yeah that tiger seems sad but he's happy i've never seen a sad turtle. Sad eyes, yeah. Sad turtle. So, Tom is,

we're not even going to do that. We can talk about it. The blue apron. We'll still throw him a bone. We'll talk about him. He cooked a meal. We'll talk about that in detail when we're actually,

when we have to plug. We start plugging people for free that are paying us, then fuck it. I'll just say we ate and no one's complaining. It's really good. It's pork, and I don't eat pork.

No, not everybody does. It's the alternative. It's the other white meat don't eat pork. No, not everybody does. It's the alternative. It's the other white meat. Yeah. See, with Blue Apron. Fuck it. There it is, the sidewalk. With Blue Apron.

Because even with the free Audible and CISO, my last special went out. You could get it for free with a subscription or sign up. You get it free, and then you can cancel if you want. Same thing with the book on audible.com. And my fans would still be more comfortable. Not all of my fans, but you know who you are. It's easier for them to steal than fill out a form. You can't steal blue apron oh yeah i downloaded that meal

on pirate bay or some shit yeah yeah so i think i think this sponsor will work out i think the biggest thing too is remembering to cancel if you don't want it that's what most people are afraid of but you have smartphones and stuff. Set an alarm. That's what I do when I set up something that I want to try out. Remember to hate this in three weeks. No, if I like it, I'll keep it going.

That fucking blue apron is good. But if you don't like it, you can have a timer that tells you this is when you have to unsubscribe. I have one that I'm waiting for see-saw right now. I've probably brought it up, but I've been paying for my subscription

to Phil Hendry $4.99 a month. For years. At least three years. Way more than three years. We were on tour with, was it Junior? Back in Junior and Carlos Valencia days. That's what I mean.

I think it was Junior. Yeah, that's like 2010 or something. Oh, wow. Yeah. And I don't know how to cancel it. I mean, I've downloaded everything. I think I've listened in that amount of time to all the Phil Hendry that I could ever find,

and I just pay $ 4.99 a month because i like the guy yeah there there's a plug phil henry is worth you have not heard his entire library of decades of brilliance yeah get into it oh you get you get the archive for phil henry which is the reason you kept it was like well we'll go on tour again and then we'll just download more but the archive is so extensive because it goes back to when he was doing it live on the radio in los angeles this is when you could fucking do one of these shows where you you like 99.9 of the people were in on the joke, and that 0.1% was the fucking incense. Just like, how can you do this?

Yeah, you raised such a piece. You knew Phil Hendry? Oh, yeah, I used to listen to him. Oh, that's fucking great. Are you of the black? That means you're of the white. Some would call in. They have no idea.

It's a complete fucking goof. It was so funny. I haven't heard him in a long time. $4.99? Fuck, I'll get him another month. On Stanhope's money. He has such a library that by the time you ever get through with it, you could

start over and not remember all the shit. The funny thing is the first time I heard it, I got completely taken in. Because I didn't know. I didn't know. This goes back years. I thought, oh, this guy's an edgy fuck. Now we're going to have to back up and explain it. Phil Hendry would be on

AM talk radio on stations that were legit. You'd call in, you know, the Democrats. Major market. Phil Hendry would do a straight AM talk show where he's the straight guy,

and he would always have a guest on the phone that was so over-the-top outrageous that he'd slow burn this. He was doing three-hour shows. I mean, they were in segments, but he'd do a full hour where he slow burns. Now, so what you're saying is you're trying to petition to get the names of the 9-11, and this is around 9-11, shortly after, of the 18 terrorists that were killed

added to the memorial wall. And what people don't know, he's doing both voices. It's a ventriloquist that's incredible so he would you know be himself he'd switch from the microphone onto the phone going well phil you know they were human beings too and but but let me get this right and then he'd just keep burning this, whatever outrageous idea the caller had until people started calling in going, are you kidding me? Get this guy off the air. The ultimate troll. It was genius.

And then he would be, okay, well, he does have a good point there. a good point there and then he well you know uh they and they just start fights between the fake caller and the the people calling in it was brilliant are you trying to tell me the first time i heard it was when i went on the road with you guys but i was in on the you guys told me what it was beforehand or i would have i would have been suckered in completely. Since then, I've seen they have YouTube videos where it shows him being three people. I saw him do it live. It's fucking brilliant to see this guy switching characters super fast. It's amazing.

Sometimes he's doing four voices, the one being the host of the show and then what you don't understand is is when he is talking on the mic and then he like what you said doug he he pulls up a like a receiver to a handheld phone yeah and he speaks into that he has to cut the mic that is his announcer mic where he pulls off to the side and he's doing all of this and it's like all by himself all by himself yeah but i'll put a clip yeah confidencers it was the first time when i saw him in aspen tom and i used to on the phones it was because everyone's yelling necessarily it was a confidencer that you would put yeah so directional mic for a phone base much like the uh sure sm58 uh you get

right in front of it no it's right in front of it. Nailed SM58. What you're talking about is the confidence, it like really squashes it down so like unless you're right in front of the microphone, it won't pick it up. So it won't grab anything from behind it. And yeah, that's why when you call fucking Tel Aviv or

wherever you're doing a customer service, that room is vast and huge. It's a ciphony huge you don't even realize how many people are there because it just sounds like one person in a cubicle when you know you look up and there's just fucking yeah an expanse but uh yeah he's he's got all that fucking shit and i'll put it i'll put a link on the on the the page for the show notes uh to see the youtube thing it is pretty awesome wait to see that that is killer would he be mad if we put on a clip right here or something? I doubt it.

You know what? Go out and watch yourself some Phil Hendry. Go into the archives. Find whatever you find. And you're going to listen to a lot of it. Tell us your favorite, my favorite guest. Because they recur. Ted Bell.

Oh, Ted's at Beverly Hills. That's the steakhouse, right? That's what I was getting ready to say. I don't know what the name of it is, but I know you guys will. The steakhouse. Here's the jingle. I'll play the jingle right here. Ted's at Beverly Hills.

Steakhouse, come on down Here at Ted's We want to put our meat in your mouth What was... He claims to be the inventor of the rum and coke. No, the Ted. The Ted. It's the Ted. We were on tour asking...

We'd go to some bar where you're gonna play and we'd ask him for a ted you're like come on don't you have it just tell me how to make it while you get uh rum and uh you got coca-cola here what a rum and coke yeah ted a ted a fucking ted we are assholes oh my god Margaret he does it female characters that are so believable oh that's right

I forgot about that god damn it now I have to fucking see that YouTube yeah it's definitely the hole to go down if you're in a YouTube hole

yeah yeah go down a Phil Hendry best of and Hendry is spelled H-E-N-D-R-I-E I know okay I-E good all right well there

any other plugs we have i'm giddy i remember that was fun man giddy he's it is phil henry puts a smile on my face yeah absolutely because i don't like old radio people who get crotchety and can't fucking figure out how to navigate these times of podcasting and other things. And he just said, fuck it. I'm putting everything I own. He was smart enough to own it or to get it. And that's all in the archive.

He fucking does whatever he wants to do. He's like a guy who shows up on cameos on Law & Order or something. Oh, and shit loads of voiceover for cartoons and stuff. Yeah. So good for him. The great Phil Hendry. Joby, mired down and everyone else's league

started January 15th, right? Right. Well, no, no. That's just when the site starts. Okay, the site started. Because there's already people with 189 fucking death pool points and ours doesn't even start for another day. Yeah, yeah. Because there's already people with 189 fucking death pool points,

and ours doesn't even start for another day. Yeah, yeah. And there's homes locking down every single day. So I'm wiped. It's calming down now where petitions and orders and whatnot are, you know, they're kind of waning a little bit. But, yeah, it's been an amazing start to to the season so we've got a lot of people playing i will mary tyler moore died today yeah she really yeah i saw that on newser it says

mary tyler moore uh saying goodbye to her family people say that it's uh the long life you know anytime and so i i go oh i have one day in 11 hours to before our league locks down so i go and change all my shit and then as soon as i change all this shit she's dead but i texted him i texted him today put bob dole back in she's in the hospital she's circling the drain and it was like five minutes later she died, and I just texted. And she's dead. It was the exact amount of time it took me to go into the death pool, change my side, get a new alternate, change my guy.

And then as soon as I did that, boom. Mary Tyler Moore never knew that her death would be widely discounted by thousands of people because she wasn't a politician. Yeah, I know. I had no bonus points. Who gives a fuck about Mary Tyler Moore? Yeah, fuck her. But 180 people at her, so that was a good hit.

Yeah, there's still time. I think it's the first day of February or last day of January is when the Killer Termites home locks down and that's your last up from now until then is your last chance to join up and that's when we're giving away a TV and a tablet and a bunch of stuff. I could use my

same pics that I have for ours and join that one just to compete with different people though, right? Yeah, that's what I did. Maybe I'll do that. I waited until yesterday to make my picks. Did you do any research? I did a lot of research. Being suicidal

keeps you up a lot at night. So I had to think about something. You've got some great picks. I pulled in some decent ones. And if anybody is getting pissed off at Joby,

I bombarded him with probably eight or nine solicitations to add new people trying to get a solo pick in the last minute and all my shit got denied because it was weak so if your shit got denied don't fucking think that we're not hypocrites over here bingo ad came in at one point when i was sitting there i took a moment from my day to do a little bit of research to get away from the book. Bingo came in, and I was obviously lost in thought.

And she goes, what are you thinking about? And I said, suicide. She goes, suicide, why? I go, oh, no. I said, I'm doing death pool research. And every time I see someone with a disease, it's all fucked up. I think, how would I handle that in that situation? And if I had ALS, how long would I wait until I committed suicide?

Because you never know when all of a sudden your hands won't work. So I wasn't depressed thinking about suicide. No. I was just Chad Shank thinking about suicide. You're shanking it. No, I was depressed thinking about suicide. No. It was just Chad Shank thinking about suicide. He's shanking it. No, I was depressed thinking about suicide. You were last time I saw you.

You just happened to be in the neighborhood and dropped by and I was already drunk. I think it was football. Yeah, it was football. Yeah. Yeah.

I feel like I hadn't been here for a long time and everybody might decide that I wasn't their friend anymore if I didn't come by at least once. I'd stop by and say hi. So you ruined it. I was almost out.

Then they pulled you back in. Well, yeah, you were saying, yeah. Probably only a matter of time. And I was so dragged out. I said, yeah, I got nothing positive to say in response. I couldn't even tell you you're wrong. Because you know I'm right.

It's where I struggle with it, too. Yeah, but usually when we have that conversation, it's tomorrow we're going to feel like this, but we were both in the moment of feeling like that. Usually we're both happy when we're going to feel like this. But we were both in the moment of feeling like that. Usually we're both happy when we're here. And then I just wanted everyone to get the fuck out of the house. I don't know where this book's going. I don't know.

It's just every fucking day. And it's every day. I'll stare at the computer for two hours, and just guts turning. And then as soon as I start writing, fucking take a half an Adderall, and then wait until I've got some structure. Okay, I looked at it sober, and now I can see where this will fit with this, and I do this structure part,

and then, all right, now I need words, and I need good words, and the more I drink, the more my vocabulary grows exponentially. Exponentially. Yeah, if we were doing this four hours ago, I would have had to go to thesaurus.com and go, a lot.

Exponentially. Yeah. Actually, exponentially, isn't that bigly? Bigly. To use something that is now in the vernacular. I have typed some words into thesaurus.com that were completely the wrong word. Or new. A deadbeat hero,

I still remember using something about a A deadbeat hero, I still remember, something about a girl running down the street with her truncated rectum, holding her truncated rectum in her hands like a sea snake. Wow. Yeah, well, it wasn't for fucking years until Bingo's friends showed up for some party. Robin and Scott Clabby, I think it was.

No, who's the young one? Nick O'Gara. One of them said, yeah, just watch your thing. And that whole truncated sea snake. And somehow I realized it was the opposite. Not just a wrong word. The opposite. It was prolapsed was what I should have used.

Truncated means shortened. And I thought I used a great big word and a bit, and it was years later, and now I can't fucking erase it. Hey, everyone that owns Deadbeat Hero, there's a recall. Wait, are we fixing it or are we just buying them? You can't hold your shortened colon in your hands like a sea snake. It just doesn't make sense. But truncated sounds funny.

I knew evidentially I would become a container. That was a comic butch lord who I knew in the day doing a bit about how boxers should never give interviews. Well, Ted, I knew evidentially I would become a container. Evidentially. Funny shit. evidentially. Chad got another voiceover. Yeah, I printed it out.

Are we going to talk about it? Offer. Offer, yeah. Offers come in. Yeah. Not many of them come to fruition, but offers come in. Someone has kind of a similar offer.

Not an offer, an ask that I'll never remember. Like if I had time, I'd probably, I thought it out. And if you're the guy who sent me the email, his friend is from he's from australia but i think but he's his friend's having a wedding in the uk and he's gonna be the best man and he wanted me to make a video of something he could show at the reception and i you know first of all anything that's baby related uh hey can you can you help my GoFundMe page? My kid has a fucking muscular dystrophy in its head or whatever. No, you had a fucking kid.

You know that I'm against kids. It's your own fault for fucking taking that chance. That's what you do. You created death. I'm not going to get behind kids and weddings. No, I'm against legal marriage. It's a pointless institution. But I did think it would be funny

to do some kind of video that Hey, Carolyn. My name is Doug Stanhope. Not basic instinct. I'll give you a fucking million dollars

for one night with your wife indecent proposal something to that effect like offering her I'll get you citizenship I went on a flight of fancy with the ideas of things I could do to fuck up their wedding.

But I'll never get around to it. And it would be hard to convince him that the only way you'll do this is if you can play it live without them reviewing it. So that the parents can all see this and go, you paid for this? No, they weren't even offering money i just thought it would be funny to do some stroking a cat with my beard got fucking blown out through a smoking robe you truncated beard yes prolapsed correction oh jesus ichabod you just jumped dog. The dogs have been really underfoot lately. You'd think I had bacon-wrapped shoelaces. Henry keeps following my feet around.

I move to the left. I'm trying to set up the gear here today. She was under my feet the whole fucking time. I'm like, what's going on? Did I step in something? Do I owe you money? But the dog, Ichabod like right okay right behind doug's feet to where if he just shuffled your feet you end up kicking the dog in the nose you must have stepped in some blue apron food

that's a good thing right you mean delicious eventually we're gonna be just scrambling for new ways to talk about blue apron i figured at some point i'll just read like a professional fucking thing off of a piece of paper yeah yeah you can do that that's always a good yeah but that's when everyone has to figure out at what point during the podcast do we fast forward. Oh, I listen to podcasts. If you listen to podcasts in iTunes, they have a forward 30 seconds button

so you can always hit as soon as they say they can do that. Yeah, but we don't do 30 second commercials. We try to make fun with it. Well, then you don't want to fast forward through it anyway. They're working on an eight minute fast forward button just for the Doug Stano podcast. But that's why it's more fun to, at some point, you just made me think it would be fun to take one blue apron dish

versus another and see which one Ichabod, my dog, prefers. Okay, that's a great idea. I'm going to cut that out because I want to do that. Why? But we should do it just to do it. We shouldn't say we're going to do it. That's fucking hilarious.

You're not going to cut that out. Cut it out. And we're back. Cut it out. But you know what? We should talk about this because someone tweeted uh yes all right i get it i should have picked up chad last week all right i remember there was another one where someone one person said something about how long our our uh blue apron commercial was i mean the

first one was like six minutes and eight minutes because we sit and talk about it we have okay we have the paper that we're supposed to read the shit okay but we sit and talk about it and it's like well that's they're sponsoring the show yeah you listeners aren't sponsoring the show other than listening there's no pay for this and there's someone who's willing to pay us money to keep the lights on shit and it's a logical opportunity for them to get another fucking drink. Yeah, you're not to stand and not fucking move. You moved it. Over here. Oh, now?

Here it is. Talking about having a sponsorship and stuff, it's been nice not being on the last couple podcasts because I can listen to them. Yeah. Because I don't want to miss Konopka's stories whenever I'm not here because it's still fucking great stories. Yeah, no, I said you got to get back.

I'm out of stories. I'm out of town. So I listened to a couple of them. One of them, I think it was one of the, it was just you and Stan Hope at the Fireside one. That was great. If you use the 15 second or 30 second and just hit it nonstop, one after another, the podcast is hilarious.

Well, because you have no idea what anybody's talking about. It's just one non-sequitur fucking thing after another. That's a great idea. It's really good to do it that way. Put it on scramble skip. Scramble skip. That's brilliant. It's like that Google button.

I'm feeling lucky. Boom. That's brilliant. I had a point. I forgot what the fuck it was. Listening to the podcast. Tom Kanopka stories. Enough with the stories already. But moving forward,

people complaining about one person complaining about the length of our blue apron thing, it's because we sit and we just talk about it. I mean, we have to hit bullet points, but we have to make it interesting for us. There's going to be one guy that complains about one thing all the time. The contrarian.

That's what I was going to say, too. You guys talked about newspapers on the last thing, and I worked at the Sierra Vista Herald, Bisbee Daily Review, which you guys talked about as the fucking circulation manager for a while. And you talk about something crazy is i would have to try to sell a product that they simultaneously gave away for free on the internet because you guys are like that's like a paywall on the thing yeah because they're trying to sell real subscriptions i'm a decent salesman i can overcome objections on the fly but if i'm

like well why don't you you know well what's stopping you from buying this subscription uh i can read it for free right here i have absolutely no way to overcome there's no rebuttal yeah there's no uh you win have a good day so that's why they fucking did that i wanted to interject that from the last time sure you fucking cheapskate sure Sure, get the free version. I'll be out of work. Yeah. Yeah, shame them.

It's a last-ditch effort. You might get one out of a thousand. It's always worth a shot. Two cents. Yeah, absolutely. Unqualified lead. Go to the next. What I'm saying is one of these days,

I'll get over here during an actual sponsored podcast, and maybe I can have gas money home. That's my whole fucking goal in life at this point. I got some money. It's always you guys getting the money. Where's your name? Steve. Steve in Cortez, Colorado.

I want to say your last name for some reason. I think you don't want me to. He said, I want nothing from you. Not an autograph, or a thank you note, or a phone call, or shit from your store. I'm sending you this money, 250 bucks,

for all the therapy you've provided over the years. So just take the goddamn money. Steve. FYI, I put for deposit only on the back of this So just take the goddamn money. Steve. Steve. Nice, Steve. FYI, I put for deposit only on the back of this check to assure the money goes to you. There is no catch. That's a brilliant guy.

That's a beautiful name, guys. You're a good man, Steve. I spread that money around for the podcast until he said to assure the money goes to you. It's got to be. That's exactly where the fuck it's got to go. It's kind of like our gambling money rules. Yeah. Oh, well, I bet you $10 on the game, but I already owe you $20.

No. Gambling money is separate from other debts. Cross the table. You wouldn't want your money you gave to your therapist going to some other therapist that didn't help you. Exactly. There you go. And if Steve really didn't want anything,

shouldn't we have changed his name? Well, that's why I didn't say his name. Yeah, his name is Klaus. I think Steve so much didn't want anything that he changed his name before he sent it. He sent it to Steve. Well, his full name is on the return address sticker. Oh, that name.

Do you ever feel bad about doing that? Because there's a couple things I feel a little bit bad. Not bad. But I go, I should. Is one, when you go on Wikipedia and they have that begging announcement. Listen, how much does everybody use? If everyone just sent $3, I spent a fucking day. I sent them $10.

I covered all you motherfuckers. I did that once. I go, all right, I just did this for 40 people. I said, whatever, however many people. One time. But every time I've seen it over the years. But the other one is when Easter Seals send you return address labels. I don't give them a fucking thing.

But I use those labels, and if I run out, I'm angry. You'll never run out. If you keep getting them, it's enough. I'll never send a check to Easter Seals because it probably has something to do with kids. Veterans groups send me those things all the time. I want to donate and they give me

shit loads of them. Makes you seem like a good guy when you mail something. I do have to say thank you to the listeners who did donate to Gretchen Bear. She sent me a couple people donated large amounts of money. That's great. It was a $200 donation, and then there's a couple 50s. Yeah, and that does a lot because we just talked about it on the last podcast.

She's doing things with the kids. Gretchen does cool shit. She does do cool shit. She says thank you to everyone. Thank you so much. And I'll put the link. If anyone wants to donate, it'll be in the show notes. Don't stop.

All right. Houston again, thank you very much. Bird Cloud. Bird Cloud. Yeah, I'm just going to be very vague about PI. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, I'm just going to be very vague about P.I. Yeah, that's good.

Bird Cloud sent Bingo a blue velvet dress. So you know what we're closing out on? Bobby Venton. On this podcast. Some Bird Cloud. We'll close out on some Bird Cloud. All right. And Joby, did you even open your package?

No, I don't know what it is. Put it in water first. I think I'm just saying. I'm a Venice olive oil. It's a major award. Oh, hold on a second. Fragile. Hold on.

Don't open it yet. Don't open it yet. No, open it. Doug, why do you think it's olive oil? Because of the return address. Oh, it says olive oil? It's an olive farm. Jesus Christ. I thought it was some like... Some olive oil New Jersey.

Esoteric hint that you got. You don't have to be a bingo Bingaman to put that together. You know olive oil is a county, not a city. Damn. Somebody sent me... That's been a long time. I must have bitched about it on the podcast. Oh, Popeye! All right, I'll let you go.

Go ahead. What are you going to say? Wait a second. Nicely wrapped, by the way. This is a severed head. I'm going to say? Wait a second. Nicely wrapped, by the way. If this is a severed head, I'm going to be very disappointed. I, on the other hand, would be ecstatic. Astroglide? What the?

I know. It's squeaky. Oh. I love this olive oil. This is some of the best in the world. Texas Olive Ranch. Yeah, this stuff is amazing. So, yeah, I've cooked with it many times.

This is really good stuff. Who sent it? Is it on the box? Yeah, who did? Can I look at this? Why the fuck? Josh Henry. Well, people, here, the other one, someone,

and I remember bitching about this in my own head in Safeway, but I must have said it out loud on a podcast. No, it was the story with the guy, because you were wearing the Border Patrol jacket. What? How did that happen? With the Hollandaise? Yeah. Weren't you looking for him? Oh, no, no.

That was another guy. No, I, okay, that's what it was. It was a guy I saw in one aisle that was looking for something. It was Hollandaise sauce, and I said that I had looked for Hollandaise sauce when I got on an Eggs Benedict kick, and they didn't have, like, I thought you could get it in packets. And he said, he's like,

where's the hollandaise sauce? I was getting taco seasoning or some shit. And I go, yeah, I've looked for the same thing because I like it too with my Eggs Benedict and we had a brief conversation that you don't want to have. And then at some point,

I saw we're in the deli line or something together, and I go, well, Chaley knows how to make it. I'll just call Chaley, and I told the guy all the ingredients, something like that. Anyway, that's a fucking million years ago, and out of the blue, someone just sent me a packet of hollandaise sauce.

Wow. So someone's just catching up on the podcast and imagine how hilarious that story would be if you listen to only 15 seconds of it at a time that's great scramble jump scramble jump scramble jump that's great i think the first time i saw this olive oil was little mikey brought some over oh aust, Austin. A few Super Bowls ago. Yeah, he would make homemade pasta where he'd roll out the dough and cut it and

it made the biggest fucking mess. Yeah, that shit's amazing. I didn't know you were going to go there. Oh, yeah. Now I'm going there because Joby is fucking the best cook, and he comes over and he does it for nothing,

and then I always find myself motherfucking him in my head the next day because everything that he makes is the most disastrous. He'll make, you know, some kind of cheese pasta in one of those horrible pans that they used to use in the 1800 cast iron succulent that's all grooved and pitted.

It's stuck. Yeah, it's frittata. It's got a fucking cake crust and cheese and shit, and it's been sitting out here for two days. And it's not Teflon? I didn't eat it. That's how I season my cast iron is bring them over here and just let them sit for days.

I actually had to call you for directions on how to clean a fucking pan. Not only did I have to do the dishes but I had to ask for directions because I know that there's a seasoning with the pan that probably makes no fucking difference to anyone in the world

unless they have some kind of disorder with their taste buds. Oh, this tastes like they didn't scrub all of a frittata out of it three years ago. You didn't use soap on that, did you? You didn't clean it with soap. Fucking crazy. That's funny. Joby's totally punking you.

That's hilarious. Because Joby came over to my house a couple weeks ago to watch Chick Fights. And it was just him and I. And I got drunk and passed out first. And then the next morning, Joby was already gone in the morning. And Jenny was like, did you put all the food away and clean up the kitchen? And I was like, do I ever put all the food away and clean up the fucking kitchen? Joby did all of this stuff.

Joby's very good about this. This is when it's football and he's leaving because he doesn't like football. But he still will come over and drop off food. Another thing that I've been motherfucking all of my football friends for doing is bringing too much food because I get, we started to talk about this earlier when we were talking about Blue Apron off the air. I get panicked about waste,

and that's why Tom Konopka is so great because he fucking eats a lot, and people are bringing now too much food to football where I actually left football for a while because i was getting anxiety over the amount of there's no space to put all this food everyone brings enough food for at least six people and that means we need six times the amount of people otherwise this food's food's going to go to waste. I think, should we bring it to Tin Town at the homeless shelter?

Yeah, we should do a big. I can only keep up with five out of those six people at this point. For God's sakes, let's do a Tin Town. You've been working out. Yeah, I have to. Lifting weights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even still, it's difficult. Just one Jet L I have to. Lifting weights. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But even still,

it's difficult to keep. I wanted to. Just one Jet Lacy is good for about a month. That's a good thing. Jet Lacy brought this fucking tub of lasagna that would have fed

everyone by itself. At one point, three people that were not together came at the same time, all of them in a row with crockpots like it was

that women's march but with crockpots instead of pink fucking dingleberry hats. Dingleberry hats. And I'm freaking out. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. Because one morning I came out to clean some of this stuff up. There was, I think, three crockpots, the big fuckers. I'm like, where did this come from?

It's unbelievable. It just keeps multiplying. I have to get on that fucking private football site that we have and tell people, listen, don't bring half. We have looked at the amount of chips. There's one more game. There's one more game. I know, one more game, and we already have literally at least a dozen family-sized bags of chips,

and people just keep coming with chips. But Jed Lacey, when he brought that big pan, I was still finishing what Joe Bia brought in. He had that big-ass thing of ziti and cheese and whatever the fuck. Oh, you didn't eat that, did you? Of course not. That was one of the great things I loved about Tom that Chaley has, is they're not worried about expired stuff. Even though you give me shit about my discount meat,

you would always eat, that's fine. It's been in there for like six days. It's fine. Yeah, if it's psychedelic or has fur on it, I'm not going to eat it. But I'm discriminated. I know what fur looks like. I bet you do. Don't go too far, lady.

You're up next. Speaking of fur. By the way, Doug, I have the answer to our extra food end of football. Hey, what are we doing with all this food? And it's not just making Tom's stomach bigger. hey, what are we doing with all this food? And it's not just making Tom's stomach bigger. My brother used to have these luau's in Seattle where we would cook a pig.

It would be a whole thing. All these people would be there. And we realized that then now we're stuck with all the pig and there's four of us. And we're done with pig. Now everything smells like pig. My brother, the second year, bought a ton of to-go containers. So when people are like,

oh, you're leaving? All right, hold on. There you go. And you scoop it in, and everyone leaves with whatever you want to get rid of. They may have been hesitant. But you make it easier for them to get it.

That's a very good idea. Also, I think you should take all of whatever's left and make it into enchiladas like you did for Christmas. Yeah, slop. And then hand those out in the to-go containers. What is make it into enchiladas like you did for Christmas. Yeah, slop. And then hand those out in the to-go containers. What is this?

Mystery enchiladas. Leftover enchiladas. Oh, your turkey, your Thanksgiving enchilada. Yeah, did I ever fucking, I still think that's a great idea. They were delicious. They were fantastic. They were delicious. I would eat those again.

Those fucking Thanksgiving dinner enchiladas. There's about six of them in the freezer right now. No, there really is. So I'll get to-go containers so that everyone who leaves here on football. There's about six of them in the freezer right now. There really is. So I'll get to-go containers so that everyone who leaves here on football, on Super Bowl, everyone leaves with something. We're going to be too fucking hammered. This is a great idea now.

This sounds like the recycling bin idea that was for the last Super Bowl. It was recycling bins all over. It was a fantastic idea. And it worked for a little while. Until you're scraping fucking cheese out of every fucking pizza off a fucking aluminum can. Really? It's all just going in the trash. Yeah, it's just stuck to a plastic cup.

I just want to feel good. I don't care where it goes. I don't want to be a hippie. Throw it in the trash, all of it. Oh, my. All right. Joby, y'all caught up with death pool announcements? Yeah, I'm done with the season.

I'm fucking over it. I'm done. I'm over it. I'm wiped. Oh, shit. Fucking Bingo left. Bingo went 9-3 with her postseason picks. She's tilted because we do this

our football pool at the beginning of the season everyone draws a card there's 32 cards each with a team noted on it so you put in 20 bucks you you pick a team. If you have the Super Bowl winner at the end of the season, you get the big pot. If you have the worst team in the league, you get the small pot. Regular season play, obviously. Yeah. So we do this before the first game of the season. If you get the worst team, you get the small pot.

And you have one chance to steal a team if your team that you picked beats another team like mid-season you go oh my colts just beat the packers do i take this opportunity to steal that team and you then you swap out but you can only do it one time but people can steal from you at any time. If, uh, anyway, bingo has the Falcons. So when I ask her, who do you think is going to win?

Patriots are a three point favorite at this point, maybe three and a half. I know it's got to go up. Uh, it's early yet, but since her coma, when she was just barely able to speak, and we just asked a vacant human being that had no real brain function but could answer a question, it's fucking 9-3.

Against the spread, she's 9-3, which the fucking pundits can't do. So we got to get her Super Bowl pick. If we don't, we have time. We've got 10 days. Yeah, I was talking over the fart so I could finish my sentence. Chad just busted ass. I was trying to wait for a quiet moment, but it just

came out. The whole bar fucking vibrated. A little good news, bad news. The good news is I've got that recorded. Bad news is he's using your lavalier mic. I mic'd his pants from behind. Yeah, it's on reverb. Jesus Christ.

Let's take a break and hit the fan. We'll get Luker in to talk some Alaska stories. Anybody got a match? I thought there was his wet shoe skidding. He has his wet shorts now. A wet shoe skidding across the door. That's his wet shorts now.

A wet shoe? Skidding across the door. That is so close to what it actually was. Oh my God. Here you go, Tom. Hey, we've talked to

you before about audible.com, but are you one of those hipster douchebags who doesn't really count audible books as reading? Well, you know what?

I have the bookstore for you right here in Farmington, Maine, Twice Old Tales. Come on down to Twice Old Tales. You can get all sorts of, we have over 180 titles that you can come down and read. And they've been read before, so you know that they're good because someone read them and bought them

and then they gave them to us because nobody really reads books. But if you still like a clunky bookshelf, Twice Old Tales right here in Farmington, Maine at 155 Main Street. Give us a call. Find out our hours. We're at 207-778-4411. Hey, what was that number again, Doug? 207-778-4411. Hey, what was that number again, Doug? 207-778-4411. We're at Twice Old Tales in Farmington, just somewhere a long way from Bangor. Enjoy your book. Hello, this is Chewbacca, and you're listening to the Doug Stanhope Podcast. When I'm ready to speak, then I lean in, but when I'm too drunk, I move it away.

I have a second to think. No one ever has a problem hearing you. No one says there's not enough. There's too much Chad. No, exactly. Back it up a little. There's No, exactly. I hate to break this to you, but I'm not worried about anybody else. Tomorrow, I'm going to hate myself for every

single thing I said today. Once again, it's a ritual. A ritual. Once again, another podcast you won't listen to because you're on it. There you go. Yeah. Just keep it there.

Luker, an Alaska friend. She's... I'm nervous about going on the same exact conversation. You just have to keep your mouth right around here near the microphone. It's the same.

And we already teased you. How do we tease that, Jaylee? You just prompted me, and I don't remember, to say this is Alaska podcast number six. Number three. Number three. You were questioning something about what we had done on like the fifth and sixth podcast, which was when you went up to Anchorage with Becker and Billy Bad and Duran and everyone.

And after the second one, it was part one and part two. After the second one, it was like, and that's going to do it this time for the Doug Stanoff Podcast. Stick around for Alaska part three. Well, here it is. Alaska part three. Yeah, we ditched Part 3. There was no Part 3. There was, but it

devolved. We were so new at podcasting. That's back when we ditched two podcasts for every one we aired. But I will tease this and maybe I shouldn't. But there's a story from Alaska.

I started writing Alaska stories for the book, and it's so fucked. Just the first time I went to Chilkoot Charlie's in 1995, just that two weeks, the stories were just unbelievable, where I would never even tell those stories unless one of you guys was around to confirm. And not only this time, now that Luke is down and you guys all work together, not only are you confirming them, as I'm writing, well, oh, you don't remember the Marines? I'm writing about the Toys for Tots with the thing,

and then you don't remember the Marines? And I'm like, oh, shit. And so what was going to be maybe a page coming out of a segue about hookers turned into now 11 pages just of you guys talking while, oh fuck, I forgot about that too. Oh shit, she was there.

The pull tab girl will never come up. Don't worry about that. Oh, the pull tab. Oh. But if you want to go back and listen to 5 and 6, just get a flavor. I heard the whole thing today. I listened back and back.

I mean, and I'm on it. I don't want to hear myself either. They were some fucking gems because the general manager can fucking tell a story. And he's got some wild fucking stories. When I went on the road with you guys in whatever fucking year it was, when you guys were first starting up the podcast, you played those ones while we were driving to see what it was. And I remember hearing those stories.

And that was so fucking fantastic. Well, there's one story that I have such a limited memory of but i know it happened and that came up and i go i don't i'm afraid to put it in the book i'll have to do it in a separate you know chapter because the alaska just the first two weeks is already so long and so over the top that this, this is a story that after a, a very high party of a lot of fucking substances ends with whatever, 10 in the morning. You can't tell in Alaska in the winter,

it's daylight and darkness. After a whole night of fucked upness and stuff, I don't remember with face painting, but you have pictures. Chaley's got pictures. He's got the pictures. He's got the pictures. And then Luker says,

well, you remember the vacuum cleaner salesman? Which once you say vacuum cleaner salesman in the current age, this wasn't that many years ago. It already smells like bullshit. And I wouldn't write this story if it weren't for having that many witnesses, a lot of who were not witnesses, A, because we were so fucked that everyone's remembering little pieces. But we all were on the same...

Or you were hiding in your mother-in-law apartment because you were scared. But everyone had the same big piece, the vacuum cleaner salesman. That was the one big piece that was there but i i referred to this in the first book there's some things when you're tripping that would only happen if you were tripping no that couldn't possibly happen while i'm tripping well it wouldn't otherwise but it is because you are in touch with another fucking spirit world or something. Because all of a sudden, after a full night of full-blown fucking raging silliness and nudity and God knows what we...

I mean, the old days of those parties. Oh, my God. Fucking liquid latex and pipe bomb Barney. I still can't... Pipe bomb Barney. Pipe Bomb Barney. I still can't remember. Pipe Bomb Barney. Were these stories on the podcast or did you guys tell me these stories? Because I remember these stories. So now I'm not sure what was on the podcast or what you guys told me.

Pipe Bomb Barney, that was on the podcast. Vacuum cleaner salesman, I've heard the story. No, you heard the story in the van. Okay, I've heard the story, you heard the story in the van okay i've heard the story but it wasn't on a podcast when i was trying to figure out what this book should be or could be there are two things the death valley parties if you're a long time listener of the podcast you know death valley i could make that the entire book because I could use that seven years of the death Valley parties and go back to how I know all these people and the stories we have together that led to death Valley. That's an entire book.

If I wanted it to be and Anchorage could, you know, the amount of years and all the fucked up stories, but vacuum cleaner salesman, I'm just going gonna let you tell a little bit luker because i'm just teasing this for the book because you only have some memories everyone else from what you told me there was a knock on the door and everyone says don't answer the door as you would when you're

all gacked out and paranoid after a long night like it's daylight well you answered the door of course i answered the door well because there was a cute chick at the door well that was the the switch and bait this beautiful girl probably, answers the door, and you invite her in, and she says, I'll be right back. Everybody else, for the most part, had gone downstairs into the mother-in-law apartment to hide at this point. It's probably like 11 o'clock in the morning on a Sunday, which is weird. And then she doesn't come back.

This poor young kid comes back. Dude. With a Kirby vacuum cleaner. The fucking Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman. You know, as a comedian, you go, oh, this is opportunity at its finest. Because we have a stripper friend there. I don't know if I told her to fuck with the guy. You had to have. I had to have. She wouldn't have thought of that on her own.

I must have. You were the only one answering the door, it sounds like. It sounds like nobody else wanted to interact, so that would make sense. Well, there was like 15 people hiding in a closet. Under one blanket. Behind couches. He's answering the door! There's 30 feet sticking out from an afghan.

I'm not in the room you know what i'm just gonna leave it there that's so good because oh and at some point chaley when she was telling me all this shit and we had that round table of what all of us remember i was writing down the beats and and I can't find them, but they're probably in my backpack because I've been switching houses. I don't know where that is. You were on the computer the whole time. Worst comes to worst,

I have to fucking talk to him on the phone again. But there's other people that were there that remember different details. But the guy leaves crying. Literally. Literally crying. Literally. Literally crying. Did you buy a vacuum at least? Vacuums are expensive.

I was going to say, if it was today where I could afford it, I probably would have gone, I'll just take the vacuum, and I would have left it at the house. I wouldn't have traveled with it when I got back on the plane. But yeah, I probably would have. Kirby's a good product. It's a hell of a vacuum. Yeah.

The funny part is where you imagine what happened to that guy at that party, where I am afraid that it's too unbelievable to put it in the book. am afraid that it's too unbelievable to put it in the book imagine him trying to tell his co-workers about a naked fake tittied girl making him ride

a vacuum cleaner and then she rode him like a horse on all fours. I think you're saying too much. I hope when this book comes out that a guy with fucking credentials can say,

I was that Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman. I only tease this on the podcast because my alternate fear is we've done so many podcasts and I've done so many interviews in 25 years and so many fucking specials and shit I wrote on my website. There's going to be the fucking one guy. I already wrote that for the intro. Hey, if you're the one guy that's watched every single thing I've put out and listen to every CD and you listen.

Yeah, you're going to be the guy that goes, yeah, there to every CD and you listen. Yeah. You're going to be the guy that goes, yeah, this is kind of a rehash. Yeah. Well, guess what? When you put out fucking 200 episodes of podcasts and fucking 15 specials. And yeah, these are the stories I remember. They're fleshed out a bit. So if you're that one guy that scares me, fuck you.

Yeah, fuck him exactly you should say thank you for letting me hear it again fuck him now as teased in the last podcast or one of the podcast you probably i think you threw a podcast podcast in. But we did tease at some point, Luker had the Orgy Dome story. Orgy Dome. I listened to the last podcast and I was very curious about what the Orgy Dome... It's just two words that look really weird

next to each other on a piece of paper. It's like you want to burn it. You don't want anyone to see that you wrote an Orgy Dome. It's two words that you find kind of uneasy in the desert when you just got there. I picture Orgy Dome as one word, no space, but both O and D capitalized.

How do you picture it? It was in neon. It was like that, but in neon. At least that's how I remember it. An even number of people enter. An even number of people enter. An even number of people leave. But this is a, Luke is a Burning Man. Well, that was your first time.

Right. We've done our own Burning Man, just with a more selective guest list. Less sponsorship. Less sponsorship. Less traffic. You didn't have to wait in line at the X parties or the Death Valley parties to get in.

You'd have to prove that you had water with you to get into an X party. So fucked up. That was a requirement. If it was back in the day, Loker, when I first showed up at Coots in 95, I would have fucking loved Burning Man,

but now I'm old and I need proper plumbing and I'm going to have to dig a fucking toilet. I don't know what you have to do there. There's no intent movies, right? Were you worried about going there, just comfort-wise? Oh, no, not at all. We were gifted the opportunity from our friends that have a camp there. And they're one of the top camps there.

And so we were gifted with tickets to come into the camp. And my parental units were kind enough to give us a fifth wheel in their truck to borrow. So Miasposo had gone down with someone else to my parents in Idaho and got all the supplies together. my parents in Idaho and got all the supplies together and then went a week and a half or so before I even got there and helped build this beautiful camp so um we had did you have like ideas or you just long for the ride at this point or did you have ideas like oh we should make this kind of camp I was worried when Brian and I bought tickets and then we bailed out we all did

I was online for fucking two hours waiting as it's ticking down to get the chance to buy a ticket and you and I think Brian bought tickets at the same time point being I never go out for fucking Halloween because I don't have a good costume idea,

much less what should I wear for Burning Man. Well, Burning Man has become huge. There's 80,000 people out there. Yeah. I mean, if I'm correct, it's five miles across the playa and ten miles across, I mean, that's so much different. I mean, it's a big, it's huge. But people put

like a lot of creativity into it that I don't have. Absolutely. So that's why I'm asking. Did you have like, oh, we're going to do this? Or are you just a bystander at this point like I would have been? I think I'm a better hippie than the people I was with. So I'm a little conflicted on the ideal of Burning Man today,

as it were 25 years ago. It was amazing. But there's all kinds of people. It's Burning White Man, to be honest. It's Burning White Man. But it's expensive to be there. I mean, it really is. That's what I was thinking.

It's kind of like gentrified Burning Man. I mean, and there's all kinds of people. People do it in all different ways. $400 or more just for tickets, you mean? Yeah. Per person? Yes. Just to be in the event.

And then you're looking at plumbing, water, whether or not you want to stay in a yurt, a tent, a truck, a van, or otherwise. RV or build a fucking Zuckerberg city of your own. We were next to one of those. And then build a wall. This is the thing. You said you guys were invited to join a camp, which is exactly what Hennegan, his experience is that whereas Doug,

the first, I mean, eight years ago or nine years ago when we bought tickets and then sold them back at no profit, by the way, we would have been Matt Kershund where he went and his experience was completely different from Hennigan in that they went for the first time at the camp but Hennigan was in

this one and I think Kershund was like Matt Kershund comedian friend, he was fucking curled up in a burlap sack in a fucking sandstorm. In a U-Haul truck, in a cube truck, just baking. That's called an oven, dude.

That's what I'm saying. In 1995, I could have done that. I want an actual Holiday Inn Express where they're not allowed in after a certain hour. I said I made some promises I'm not going to follow through on.

So can you change my name if anyone calls my room? They're probably going to have that at next year's Burning Man. Yeah. And I'll go as long as there's a helipad. I think they have those there too. I think they have those there too so anyway so you show up and well you know what to expect

you're a seasoned traveler as far as the the fun stuff goes you know right I had to go through a whole rolodex of what I should say and shouldn't say. But, you know, Hannigan doesn't participate in any kind of those brain activities. No, I know what the fuck I'm doing.

Yeah, you know that part. But you don't really know what you're walking into. Right. That's the other side of that. So you get there. What's the first thing you do once you're settled and get stakes planted well the first thing i did was i got lost i took the wrong bus and went across the playa exactly opposite where he needed to be so i actually got gifted in the fact that um jesus what are they

called the bus that's a transit system yes yes 80 000 you get offlev. If you take the bus from Reno, you get off the bus, the first thing they do is make you roll around in the playa dust and get all dirty and ring this big bell, and they remind you that you're not at Coachella and that you're at Burning Man, and they give you kind of the rules. Or you fell for it. Something along those lines, but everybody else did too. That's like what birds do to get rid of mites birding man sounds like as good of an opportunity for a mass shooting

as the gathering of the juggalos to me with less fago yeah so i wound up and i and i'm a little nervous right now but i can't remember what they're called but there's different you know stations out there and they've got people that help you out. They're not police, but they're... But it's so fucked... Just the idea of going to a party that will, in a week, be just bare desert. And now you have a bus system. Just taking a bus, I haven't done since 1985.

Mass transit. Do I ever get a transfer? I never really had to do this. One, please. And they're all looking at you. Get in the fucking back, dick. Do I need a... Yeah.

So I wind up getting a ride from the guys across the playa, and it was really kind of cool because I was there just early enough. They weren't done building different installations in the guys across the playa and it was really kind of cool because I was there just early enough. They weren't done building different installations in the middle of the desert. And so I got to see a lot of things that I probably would have never got to see. I bet we probably only saw a tenth of what is out there. I mean, it's

pretty amazing. So I finally get to where I need to go and my husband's a hoarder for better words. He thinks the more cars you have in your yard, the more rich you are. Oh, because we always talked about when our mothers were alive, we would swap hoarding stories. He wouldn't agree with what was just said.

But hoarders never know why you're not. But also, so are our other two cohorts. So when I walked up in the front of my parents' fifth wheel and everything else, it looked like Big Lake. So I was quite taken aback. There was a pool, and you can't even have water in a pool out there. And it was full of booze, like bottles of booze. And there was chairs everywhere.

And they had been told to clean up several times. Had these told them to clean up? There's a homeowner association rules what is that no clothes lines or wading pools so yeah there's that we're not allowed to dress up like ostriches anymore were you not here last year for you're getting feathers all over the neighbor's lawn and they're complaining. They brought so much shit that they actually had a full-size tent full of more shit. It's storage. Next to the fifth wheel.

An unoccupied tent that just had shit in it? Yeah, with all of our costumes and bags and clothing and whatnot. It really does sound like a gentrified desert party. Which no one would ever keep fucking clothes. There were sandstorms all the time and I kept my stuff closed, but they didn't. Whatever, that's their problem. So how long before you find

Orgy Dome? I can't remember if it was that night. Hang on, let's do that again. Because he should have said it. How long before it... How long was it before you found Orgy Dome? There we go. It was within 24 hours of me being there.

And I was already a little bit shell-shocked. Were you attracted to it? And a little tired from traveling. It's the smell mostly. We lit up our bikes because it's pitch black out there. I love shrimp. Shrimp. And the four of us are riding around,

and my husband sees the big sign. When you say riding around, because I've seen enough pictures of Burning Man. When you say riding around, I picture you on one of those big front wheel 1920s bicycles built for two, and you're behind him on big front wheel 1920s bicycles. Yeah, the parasol. Built for two. And you're behind him on the small wheel in the back. No, just bikes, cheap bikes from Walmart.

You re-gift them when you're done. From the storage tent. Or a guy. And you swore we'd never use all this stuff. Who's the smart guy now? I picture a guy on a kangaroo going, jump in the pouch. I'll take you where you want to go. Come on.

It's like a tauntaun. Just get in. That's for you, Joey. I pictured a white guy on a Segway with black people in front of him laying down track so he could ride across the dirt. So as he rolled over one, he would run to the front? Yeah. So just keep going? Those kids walk seven miles to school every day.

They're fucking cheap to get to La Bridge. Only during season. La Bridge! Hey, do you want to get there on the rapid transit or do you want to go to La Bridge? So, Luke, you show up in front of Orgy Dome. Ding. Let's go in here.

Do you even consider that initial part where you had to roll around in dirt and you go, oh, I'm unclean as a woman. Fuck yeah. There was the four of us. My husband wanted to go in because his rule was if you find an orgy dome,

you shouldn't go in the last day. You should go in the first day. Solid rule. He's like, the last day is disgusting. That shrimp went poor. I mean, we still went the last day, but we got the stories from the first day. If you're there from the first day, you know which areas to hang out in. Remember her?

It's Tuesday or Wednesday. I can't remember what day, but it was literally like the first day. So the four of us, the three out of four of us two couples? no dude, no you and three dudes? of course RB and BB

the uninvited none of us want to go but he's like no, my husband's like we're going in demographic, three dudes for every chick minus the chick. The Burning Man orgy dome is the same as the Craigslist orgy dome, basically. Without the $400 ticket.

So there's no line. There's no line. And this guy, he's got a big top hat on. He's barking. Don't they all? I'll give you the shortest version. But he basically tells us, well, you have to have ID. And my husband says, I have a gray beard.

Come on. I just want to look. That's all. Guy's like, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. And our other two people are waiting for us. And the whole time I'm going, really? I'm not ready for this. I just got here.

I haven't got my legs on yet. I just need a minute. Tomorrow, next day, I don't care. I'm in, but not today. There's no admission price for Orgy Dome. No. You just have to want to go. It's all bartering out there you know so uh you gotta want it no admission price no line that's what it says

what can i what what what can i trade you for a clothes pin for my nose on the last day of orgy dome yeah i'm sure that my husband would tell this story in his own version, and he's a great storyteller. I am not. However, my version is, as we were standing there, and I was getting fussy, and he was getting fussy with me. Fussy? Wow, we have aged.

This woman walks out, and she's in her 60s, and she literally has a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. She's got one glove on, a half a stocking, lips hanging out of her panties, and her boobs hanging out of her mouth. She's got one glove on, half a stocking, lips hanging out of her panties, and her boobs hanging out of her, you know, and she's like, there ain't nothing going on in here, kids. And I was like, that's it. We're done. We're done. I'm not going in there.

Not doing it. Lips hanging out of the panties. Well, that's what I was going to ask you. Like, how, like, if you're the first guest to Orgy Dome, you're like, I'm the only guy in my own orgy. But maybe now that you bring up the 60-year-old woman, she was the Orgy Dome cock block where she walked out and goes, fuck this.

There's nothing going on in here. And then everyone sprung out of the bushes going, All clear, orgy starts now. She's gone. She's the cooler. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my. I was thinking more of like an undercover barker. When my kids were young, we were at a carnival, and my son wanted me to win him a Batman at this fucking horrible game,

and I couldn't win it. And so finally I just drug the guy to the side and I go, listen, give me the fucking Batman and I'm going to raise a fucking big fucking fuss out here about how I just won a Batman and you'll get more people. And he's like, alright. He gave me a Batman. I want a Batman! Holy shit! I just won a

Batman! That was her. You get your kid to cry by poking him in the face. Look at how proud he is He's crying More importantly you didn't have to go to plan B Where you beat the shit out of the guy And take the Batman

Batman's mine whether you know it or not We're going to start with plan A Let's let the lady talk You go in the fucking The landlady from Kingpin Finally leaves So we leave When the fucking, the landlady from Kingpin finally leaves. So we leave.

We leave. And my husband's pissed at me. You know, doing the whole, like, you used to be so cool and open-minded. I just want to look. And he's mad. He's mad. And I'm irritated because I'm like, I just wasn't ready yet. I wasn't trying to be uncool.

He's still mad like a diplomat. I can hear't ready yet. I wasn't trying to be uncool. He's still mad like a diplomat. I can hear him saying this. But yeah, in your relationship, you know. So let's get to Saturday. All right. That was Tuesday or Wednesday. Nothing there Wednesday. You looked around.

You saw. Oh, the end of Orgy Dome. Yeah. The brown banana Orgy Dome. Yeah, let's wait until Saturday, you know, because on a Tuesday. Don't eat those strawberries, Dave. Orgy dome. On a Tuesday, orgy dome isn't really big because everyone has to work in the morning. Let's wait until the weekend.

Yeah. We're home by, we're in our tent by 10. Yeah. So Saturday comes along. Everybody's been drinking all day, and our cohorts go and do their own thing, and it's just my husband and I riding our bikes around. And it's hard. I mean,

it's hard to remember where things are out there. And towards the end of the event, like the last couple days, they take away all the street signs and whatnot, so you really don't know what you're doing. We're riding our bikes around all happy. And there from here. There it is. The orgy dome.

I looked at my husband and I go, drop your bike now. He's like, what? I go, we're not going through the rest of our marriage with this in your craw. Drop your fucking bike. He's like, but there's 70 people in line. I'm like, I don't give a fuck. Drop the bike. So we dropped the bike.

You didn't have a platinum card for Orgy Dome? That's an inside Anchorage joke. Not if you listened to Alaska Part 1. You'd think if you were there on the first day, you could skip the line a little bit. I was here earlier. I wanted to see your manager. I think I left my purse in there.

I'm with a Zuckerberg. Somehow you get in. I'm with a Zuckerberg. I should be on the list. Double check. I should be on the list. Okay, I'll get in line with 70 people. How long did it take you to get in?

Like 55 minutes, somewhere in there, almost an hour. Something very specific, like 55 minutes? I was counting it down because I was a little nervous. Well, that's another thing I'd forgotten. Like the first day when he tried to get me to go in there, I asked him, I go, what are your intentions? He goes, what do you think? I'm taking you into an orgy dome.

So we finally get to the front of the line, and there's this guy, and he's wearing like a codpiece and a feather boa, and he's jacked up, and he's just dancing. He's doing his thing. He's like, I want to be in there, but I want to be out there, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, what the fuck are we doing?

And he kind of gives us some of the rules. And we finally get inside. Hang on. What are these rules? Back to cameo. He gives us his version of the rules. But then when we finally get in, there's this beautiful ethereal girl. And she's, hello, welcome to the orgy dome.

It was a girl. The fifth element she's from., welcome to the orgy dome. It was a girl. The fifth element she's from. Yeah. The fifth element. So there are two sides. There's a couple side, and there's a free-for-all. In the meantime, we have a waiting room. This is where the fight starts, I'm guessing.

Oh, I was thinking free-for-all. You wanted couples, but I thought maybe we'd change it up. Would you go to couples? I don't even know you. So you get to the waiting room. You'll take your number, which is like a DMV ice cream, like now serving, like you pull a number, now serving. Oh, fuck.

And we were, oh, shoot, I'm so nervous. We were 548 or 528. I still have the number. And they were, there was. I love that you're still the same girl you were at 16 that saved the ticket stub for the time you stopped.

You saw a Mannheim steamroller with your parents at Christmas and you have that frame. Oh, yeah, this is where I fucked that Jamaican guy while my husband fucking masturbated and cried. He's in the line holding 542. What, we can't go in together? Was there any kind of fluffers in the hour-long line in the desert?

No, no, no. Boring. A lot of blue balls. A lot of snickering. Tight sweatshirts. She explains to us that when you walk in, you'll pick your number and you'll wait. And when it's your turn, when your number comes up, you'll go into this area and you take off your clothes, put them in the cubby. go into this area, and you take off your clothes, put them in the cubby, and there's a table that has everything you need, like moist towelettes,

warm towelettes, lubrication, condoms, the whole gamut, whatever you need to be sanitary. Big rubber fist, popcorn, peanuts. You're supposed to take a bucket with you. Cigar, cigarettes. Cigar, cigarettes. Dog leash. Gum. They have buckets for you to take so that you can put away your personal things

that you've used. Like your flip flops and your tank top? What do you put in your bucket? Those go in the cubby. You walk in naked. You're naked. You hump it in. You hump it out. Like the Indians. Leave no presence.

If it's your blown out diaphragm you can't leave it in the desert. Only footprints and a stain. Put it in the biohazard bag. What's that, a retainer? Spit it out. So did you grab yourself some condoms and some toys? Grab yourself some condoms and some toys. So there was probably like 50 people ahead of us for our number, 50 couples or people.

I mean, there's individuals. This is in the waiting room. Yeah, we're in the waiting room. So not only the 55 minutes in line, now you have to wait in a waiting room like a fucking dentist. Well, because it's split at that point because they're going to go in two different areas. Are there TVs in the waiting room or like big buckets of punch? You don't know. I'm trying to picture what we have. No one drinks the punch in the waiting room.

Is there a Highlights magazine? No. You're so busy people watching. Yeah, goofers and gallants. I've only been in the army at large gatherings, so you have to imagine what I'm picturing. Like, I don't know what sort of. Boxer shorts and bad haircuts. Go ahead.

I'm enthralled with watching people. Dwayne and I sit on this... I hope so. You're in the orange. Hello. We sit on this couch and about five minutes goes into it. We're waiting and I'm watching people and I go to nudge my husband. And all of a sudden I hear,

and I look over and he's asleep. He's been harassing me for a week and he fell asleep in the orgy dome. And I'm pissed. I'm like, did you fucking fall asleep? I would have been just like him where i would have been sitting in the waiting room debating well what's the shortest way out of here couples are free for all like what's the shorter waiting list can we just get this over with exactly bar dining room you're invested in that 55 minutes. You're invested to the point where

you got, there has to be some experience other than waiting in a fucking 55 minute line. There was not stuff going on in the waiting room? No, but everybody's dressed differently. There's costumes. It's pretty cool

to watch people out there because there's all kinds of people. Had you decided free-for-all or couples? No. No. What? No.

She was letting him sleep on it. Literally. We were supposed to be Drop the mic, Chad. Drop the mic. We were supposed to be looky-loos. One of the rules was

you can't touch without asking. You can't engage without asking. I mean, there was a lot of rules out there. We didn't want to partake in that. Duran just was, God damn it. Jesus Christ. Killing me. Killing me small.

He was just curious. So that's that. So we finally get our number. 528, that was our number actually so we finally get our number called by curious you mean that you're denying the core knowledge that you know that he hoped that he would bang some porn star while you masturbated, watching and egging him on. That's the curiosity he had, is could this possibly happen? We'll never know until we try.

I'm curious about this place. Well, no, because it was the sixth day, not the first day. I already knew him as a pretty clean guy. That wasn't going to fucking happen. No, that's what was in his head when he was curious. You don't buy a lottery ticket just because you wonder what the numbers might be. Now I'm picturing how many people went in as looky-loos

and if there was just a steady stream of people going, no, we're good. We just wanted to watch you fuck for a second and see. He didn't expect he was going to be William H. Macy in Boogie Night watching you take 10 dicks while he's going, hey, honey, what? I was going to say that his taking a nap

in the waiting room refutes your claim, but not really. I would take a nap in the waiting room and then wait until later for the show. Good move. Good move. I'm not really, yeah, whatever you want to do. I'm just going to jerk off and take a nap. So check and check.

You finally wake them up. I assume you wake them up when your number's called. Yes. And which way do you go? Free for all? The couples side. Couples, of course. Yeah.

Point, point. It's like, it's a kids table at Thanksgiving. I remember those days as too much fun. Let's sit with grandma. Well, besides grandma, we were probably the oldest people in there. Oh, that's

the opposite of all these stories. Usually when it's a swinger club. Tom, what was the place? The Red Barn? Red Rooster. Red Rooster in Vegas? I've never been there. I've heard. I got pictures. I mean, I don't have pictures. Well, just nude beaches. You show up

and then you expect your first time to see... The Green Door. That's the other one. Green Door. Okay. Chris and Mike's. I've just heard these things. I don't know. We heard about one in Portland. We went to that one. My poor gay cousin

had to see me naked. Anyway, so, unlike going to a nude beach where everyone's 70 and tube sock titties, you go in and you're the 70-year-old. Yeah, I mean, basically. Basically. So we walk in

and the couple slide, and basically everybody is trying to out-fuck, all the guys are trying to out fuck their girl in front of each other so like there's you know somebody's got a leg behind their head and somebody's bent over and that somebody's doing missionary and everybody's giggling you know this one gal is telling her boyfriend like i can't believe i'm letting you do this and he's like they're never gonna see us again you know so it's pretty funny. Giggling. There's no giggling.

So the couple side is just for couples to fuck in front of other people. It's not a wife swap thing. Right. Exactly. But did they tell you that ahead of time? Did you go and go, am I going to fuck someone else? Yeah, the ethereal girl. So that's free for all sides.

Very clear on that. Yeah. So Doreen and I find there's one. Jesus, you've got to stop with the name. I'm so sorry. You're killing me. I told you clear. Very clear on that. Yeah. So Doreen and I find this, there's one. Jesus, you got to stop with the name. I'm so sorry. You're killing me. I told you I was going to do that. Beep.

There's one available mattress, and it's like, and there's no sheets on it. And it's like a band house. And I'm like, oh, fucking no way. No, no, I'm not doing that. And we wind up, and he's's like just sit down for a minute so we wind up with our think of the mattress the very corner we stick our butts on the very corners

of this mattress and we're kind of giggling we're probably there for about a minute and a half when that lady from the first day with the cigarette in her mouth comes over and goes move over, kids. I'm changing the sheets. Oh, fuck, no.

Oh, my God. Move over. Changing the sheets. So we scurry to the other side. And that was a whole different. The first thing we saw was a gal taking on like four or five. You went to the free-for-all? Yeah. Okay.

That's the fun side. Oh, I thought you meant the other side of the mattress. Okay. You went to the other side to the free-for-all. So there's ins and outs, so to speak, at Orgy Dome. You could go once you're in. Did you have to get a hand stamp to come back in? Sorry, one in, one out.

It's a visual fluff. Then you go back. So you're in the free-for-all area, because she scared the shit out of you. And the first thing, she told me she'd scared me the first thing. The first thing. From the only other day.

The ghost of sex future. Most people go from the couples area to the free-for-all area because they're more turned on. They went because they were afraid. Yeah. Yeah. Ah!

I'd rather take strange cock than lay on that mattress. Time to change your sheets. So we wind up at the other side. The first thing we see is a girl taking five dicks, and I can't handle it. Hang on. Let's clarify that. There's a lot of math going on. There's a lot of math going on. There's a lot of symbology here.

Five dicks. We looked at the back of the room. There's like a pregnant girl in there with a couple things going on. So anyway, yeah, we lasted about another minute and a half and to be honest, we were really only in the actual

like orgy part of the dome for maybe three to four minutes. Well, fuck, that was worth waiting for. My God. They just ran through like scared people in a haunted house. Well, fuck, that was worth waiting for. My God. They just ran through, like, scared people in a haunted house. Oh! Go this way, go that way.

Covering their eyes the whole time, bumping into walls. Go, go! And the end of the story... Change the sheets. The end of the story is they both went to their camp, said, hey, I think I'm going to get some shut-eye. Me too. Then the guy, his name keeps accidentally coming up, the story is they both went to their camp said hey i think i'm gonna get some shut eye me too

then the guy that his name keeps accidentally coming up the husband goes back uh while she's getting five dicks unknowingly to him in the free-for-all he's fucking the landlady from the couple's side in a broom closet yeah one of the funniest parts of that, we got our clothes on and walked out of there. And his first remarks were, it surprisingly didn't stink in there. And I go, I think that was kind of hot. And I stuck his hands down my panties. He was like, goddammit, I'm never taking you back there.

It's like throwing a dog or bone to the dog pound. So, yeah. The orgy dog. I played my cards right, I think, on that one. This is a good move, yeah. That one, our friend, who would, he, we were in Costa Rica

and he scored some blow from a guy that he ended up fucking the dude for more blow. Another guy guy not the no no yeah and then our friend who fucked a dude in costa rica and then you know when you're doing cocaine you say too much and you're too honest he told us about it well like a year later he was playing up there in alaska and uh he went into your husband's hot tub and he your husband freaked out germaphobe style that's the guy that fucked the dude in costa rica he could have aids why was he in my hot tub

i can't imagine how he slept through the orgy dome without Purelling continuously. Yeah. Like a fire hose spraying him with Purell the whole time. It's like it's body tanning. It's spray tanning. This is still 15 years later a disagreement we have. He just figures that if you might be someone that's going to suck a dick,

that you should call it. And my point is it's really none of your fucking business, and that's not going to happen. I wonder how poorly you maintain your hot tub, that there was no chlorine in it that would kill germs. Hold on. By the way, there was a story that just happened a couple days ago.

They've defrosted a turkey in that hot tub. Oh, fuck! No, that's not true. The hot tub is broken. Oh, you froze it. Well, now it is. They kept a turkey cool in the hot tub. Sorry, my mistake.

They took the lid off the hot tub to clean it, and there was a fucking turkey carcass in there. You don't know where that turkey's been? And my husband was like, oh, I forgot about that. I was trying to cool it down so I could make some soup later. Wait, he was going to use it? Yeah. I didn't get that part.

Wow, your story is way better than mine. I think that's a podcast. I don't know if anyone else has anything else to add. There's nothing to add. That is fucking fantastic. That was brilliant, Loker. Holy Christ. Read the book.

I love my husband. He's awesome. We all love your husband. But I do want to say, if you want to get a flavor for Alaska and things that happen up there. Those two podcasts were... I had a lot of fun listening to those today. I want to go back to them for sure. I don't like listening to myself either.

I've got to edit this shit. That's enough torture. I honestly... I mean, I'd have to go back and interview people, but the whole book could have been about coots as much as the Death Valley book. There it is, the follow-up. Maybe all Death Valley. Doug, I got... about coots as much as the death valley book there it is maybe all death doug i fucking maya angelou

wrote seven autobiographies i only know this because i was going through old shit i wrote and at one point when she got the congressional medal of honor i was saying there was like some guy that actually got the shit beat out of him in you know civil rights marches and she's a poet and i was thinking about putting that into the book because it led into something but i wanted a fact check because when i used to write shit for my website on a fact check and uh she did a little bit of civil rights stuff, but mostly just window dressing. And mostly she was a fucking poet. So what was my point?

Where was I going with this? We're talking about coots? She had seven autobiographies. Thank you, Tracy. Yeah, she had seven autobiographies. And I was going to write. tracy fucking yeah she had seven autobiographies and i was gonna write yes she constantly came up with new great things about herself that she thought everyone yeah you know what i haven't told you enough about my life here's something else interesting about me but yeah these stories

aren't about me i right i want to write about coots because Coots itself the history of Coots without me ever being if you did a history of Chilkoot Charlies my name would not be in the most top 1000 interesting things that happened there I beg to differ from the fucking days of people

driving cars through the front door you'd be 999 but you'd still be in the top 1,000. I do want to say that... I'd get a thank you, probably. Yeah, an acknowledgment. I do want to say, when I first got hired up at Coots, we were playing in Hawaii.

They just came down and saw us, booked us up there, and Alaska and Chilkoos changed my life. And that's how I met you. That's how I met Hedberg. It's spider webs, like Death Valley. It's spider webs. I also met my lovely bartender, Tracy. And it still goes on, the bar.

And cheers. Cheers to Coots. Cheers to Coots. Hey, I never mentioned this before on the podcast, I don't think, but when I first moved to Alaska when I was five years old, it was because my dad worked as a... Oh, fuck, I always forget this. My dad worked as a fucking...

Doorman. Yeah, doorman, fucking... He came home with handcuffs. He worked at Choku Charlie's. No way! When I lived in Alaska as a little kid. So my dad had told me a shitload of stories he had the shakers of yeah yeah yeah can salmon can shakers of

noisemakers and the the t-shirts we we cheat the other guy and pass the savings on to you that's you know so i've fucking known about choku charlie's forever so yeah you talk about spider web awesome yeah fucking believable now. Changed my life. Chilkoot Charlies, everybody. Everyone. Cheers, man. Thank you, Doug Standup, Celebrity Death Pool,

Joby, Tom Konopka, cooking up some blue apron. Chilkoot Charlies, heavily represented by Luke's... Luke's's The Grand Return of Chad Shank Greg Chaley and we don't forget we're going to close

out on Bird Cloud Honey I feel your bone I'd rather sit here all alone Oh honey I feel your bone I'd rather sit here all alone you tell me that you love me don't try and corrupt me i'm saving myself for jesus You can titty fuck me Tie me up, dry hump me And slap me in the face

I'll even let you call me mommy He died upon the cross Let me get my point across My hymen belongs to Jesus Honey, I'll roll over My men belongs to Jesus. Honey, I'll roll over, let you poke me in the back door. Oh, honey, I'll roll over, let you cram it in my back door. I ain't gonna be one of them Mary Magdalene whores.

My pussy belongs to Jesus. I ain't going to hell like them sumbitch Muslims. The Catholics and the Jews. And oh, some of them Lottins. I ain't gonna hell like old Charlie Manson Jimmy Carter or the fucking Unabomber

and when we get married then I'll let you pop my cherry and I'll love you like the devil at our home in Shelbyville. And we'll go up to heaven and we'll meet our baby Jesus. You'll be so glad that we waited.

You'll be so glad that we waited. Honey, I feel your bone. I didn't have an idea. I didn't know anything past, hey, this is Doug Stanhope. The rest was just going to be on the fly. All right, everything. I think I got it. Chad, check your mic.

Check, check. Oh, there you go. Check, check. Hello, hello. Great. I do want to say that I went up to Coots because. Because. I do want to say that I went up to Coots because

hang on if you really can however you say it there's a word for where you can take the sound out you can isolate Chad's earlier fart if you could use that fart

for every time we've accidentally said that name. I'll get something that you think will be his fart. Listen, I can fart again. There's no need for Chad to work so hard. Hey, wait, what's all this talking? I should be farting right now.