The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #193: The Inevitable Bonefish

Episode Date: February 3, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Miss Tracey kept pouring the drinks and Doug kept recording. Chad was sure this would never go out.Recorded Jan 26, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "The Only One Drinking Tonight", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Why are we doing this? Hey! I don't know what we're talking about. We're doing what's going on? Nobody. I know what's going on. Everybody talk! Blueapron.com

A different way to cook. Yes. It is a different way to cook. It is a different way to cook. It tells you how. Do you want bullet points? Bingo is going to do Blue Apron. She kept saying when we got the sponsorship,

oh, she's going to do it. And we're just... I remember when Bingo would... Neighbor Dave would always say, hey, I'd like a cocktail. And she goes, what do you want? And he'd go, surprise me. And she'd put like soy sauce and pickled juice and Kahlua.

Don't say surprise me to bingo. So, yeah, she was definitely going to cook one of the Blue Apron meals. And finally, when we put her to the test, she said, I can't cook. We knew that. That was going to be the funny part. But I'll screw it up. I go, yeah, going to be the funny part but i'll screw it up i go yeah that will be the funny part yeah as you screwed up and that's a good read when you serve as some kind of pasta that's still crunchy or the fact that she can't screw it up due to the precise ingredients

and instructions which would make us look like we're lying because we know. So she bailed on it. Today she did make me beefaroni, the travel-sized beefaroni where you microwave it and you peel the fucking lid off and then put the plastic cap. And I go, I'll just say that's blueapron.com. And she said, in under 40 minutes or less. She knows the tags. Fucking love it.

That's great. So BlueAber.com. You know what? Not everyone can do it. Let's be honest. I know we are raised in a country where they say you can be anything you want. All right, but if you can't be a kicker in the NFL if you only have one leg.

True. That's true, by the way. So far. You're not going to be the president with a weird comb-over? Well, it's not a comb-over. You're not going to be a cook if you're bingo. But for everyone else... Okay, but I don't know how to cook at all.

And if I have this, I can at least make something better than what I'm used to making for myself. Which is bingo's beefaroni? Right, right. Or nothing, or fucking pot pockets, or some horrible fucking thing that... Pot pockets. Pot pockets, that's what they sound like. I like how you fucked that up.

Inadvertently. Also, all the fucking weed dealers that you go to are going to go, pot pockets? You just created an industry. I was also trying not to rip off Jim Gaffigan. Yes. Pott Pockets. Pott Pockets.

But you can make something similar to food even if you're horrible at cooking. Yeah. Because it gives you every single thing you need and you put it in there in the direct fucking order that they give you. We just got the new copy from Blue Apron. They said, say it's something similar to food. Make sure you say that. You just said that Blue Apron is something similar to food.

I'm trying to hit all the bullet points. Oh, that's great. They love it when we mention pot pockets on a drunk copy read. The other thing that I think is positive about Blue Apron is I'm a fat bastard

and I'm also a nihilist, so I don't care about eating, so I won't eat for like 18-20 hours because i'm just sitting there contemplating suicide or fucking how much of a shit bag i am but then after like 20 hours i'm hungry as fuck that's the point but i don't care enough to find something decent to eat so i binge on horrible portions so So this would actually control

a person who was a fucking psychopathic person living at home by themselves without a caretaker. Well, we talked about that. I don't think Blue Apron thought about this angle. No, it's in the copy points. You nailed it, dude. Whatever they come up with this.

I'm just trying to help. Hang on, first of all... We lost a lot of Bewitched, so I think I'd be real good at advertisement. I do believe that we could make a diet plan out of hey, be psychotic like Chad and don't eat for 18 to 20 hours a day.

Then when you're hungry, have some pitbull stuff. But if I had this and I ate it on a regular basis at the portions that they give you, I would be a fucking healthy person. And you would because you wouldn't be able to leave the house to go get binge food at a supermarket because you're agoraphobic in a, a phobia way but in the fact that if you leave the house someone gets hurt and i fucking blew the head gasket in my truck a long time ago so uh that's i'm stuck at home for a lot of reasons yep so you you can't leave the house to get food you're gonna get just we talked about this earlier

where i we were both raised where you clean your fucking plate so i still have that in my head i don't clean my plate at restaurants but i still have that in my head i have it too yeah without a doubt yeah no i've i've cleaned your plate at restaurants because I have the same thing. Yeah. I clean my kids' plates, my wife's plate. It's paid for. Don't waste it. The three of you, Chaley, Konopka, and Shank, you all, but you can eat.

I don't, but I still feel bad about it. When you don't. I don't eat shit. Right, right. But when you, especially on the road in the fucking Midwest, and they give you this fucking tortoiseshell bowl of spaghetti and meatballs. Tortoiseshell. It actually makes me less hungry the more food you put in front of me. Yeah, it's a turnover at that point.

It makes me like, I can't eat all this, and I'm going to feel bad, and I end up apologizing to a fucking waitress oh didn't you like it? Not fucking four pounds of it, no I don't want to eat four pounds I'm not kidding when you, the portions that you see on the road where

they think that's a benefit and I just see waste, yeah blueapron.com it gives you a fucking regular sized portion of food that makes you full yeah you don't just make yourself fucking fat so a waitress doesn't cry a good size a good size i still think it's too much because uh when we do the uh we've got the vegetarian box that comes to i haven't done it uh it it breaks up into at least four or five meals it's a generous

it's an American sized portion which is it's not a Doug Stano portion no no no the people that will buy blueapron.com

are not the people that are fucking fogging up a sneeze guard at a golden corral they want to eat decent food a decent meal they don't want to eat decent food, a decent meal. They don't want to shove as much pork as is humanly possible to beat the house.

To beat the house. What did we eat earlier today, Tom? It was a pork chop with some sort of fucking topping that was juicy. It was good. Here's the thing. A couple times when it's greens,

it was kale and collard greens. Today was collard greens. If I saw that on a menu, I wouldn't eat it. But Tom's Chef Tom. Yeah. Wolfgang Puck.

I think we're going to. Round two. Should we call him Chef Tom for as long as the sponsorship lasts? To me, he's a chef. He's a chef. I think we're going to be fucking cooking fettuccine. Actually, that's the next menu item. Yeah, I didn't.

You brought over, when you did the fettuccine did you do one? yeah it was beat tinged I thought it was like a vegetarian no no he's got one too but read today's menu

la menu which by the way Tom we've like tasked him with making the meals and then I'm having fun with it

you were making the first one and Doug and I looked at each other and was like does Tom know how to cook? does he even care? I don't know we fucking don't know

I don't know if I'm bothering him when I ask him to cook yeah listen to you and then I go in there the least I can do is cook but when I go in there it's like 5 o'clock

because we like we do a pregame at 5 we start podcasting at 6 I go in there. The least I could do is cook. But when I go in there, it's like 5 o'clock because we do a pregame at 5. We start podcasting at 6. I go in there, and you're like, I'm on track. We're going to get food. Food will be out hot at 6. I'm like, Jesus Christ. He's like wiping the plates like Gordon Ramsay. He's got a towel over his fucking shoulder.

I'm like, he's fucking doing it. You've got to have an asterisk on these fucking Blue Apron commercials that they do not come with your own Tom Canopka to fucking make your gourmet meals you have to do it yourself yeah that's

so what was on today's menu it says P-I-B-I-L dash style pork Pibble I'll give you a second to read it because i want to mention something that chaley brought up because we i kept making jokes about cumin yeah well this has the if it says it has added the quarter teaspoon of cumin and you go ah fuck i don't know it has it in there and you brought up

a really good point that if you don't have cumin and you're trying to make a recipe to impress your girlfriend buying just a jar of cumin that you'll never fucking use it'll take you five years four dollars for two pinches it's more than that. Shilling is in every fucking thing. And the tip is go to the Mexican aisle because they'll have stuff cheaper. But it's still like $2 there. There's a wall around it now here. Listen, if you have too much cumin, I'll take it downtown and throw it in random people's eyes. There you go. For a fucking fun time. You'll sell it as drugs. it in random people's eyes. There you go.

You'll sell it as drugs. Let me go you one further. What if you don't like cumin? Now you've got a $6 bottle of cumin. That's the point. Go ahead, Tom. No, those are all...

I agree with all that. Because you've been commercial. We like commercials. All the time. Stanley has a point. Pibble. Back to the Pibbles and Bits.

You have one point, Chaley. Hey, one point. Stick to it. Pick up Chad. Pick up Chad. Pibble-style pork with collard grains. Pitbull? Pitbull.

Pitbull-style pork and collard grains withbull pitbull pitbull style poke and collard grain with citrus vats and uh yeah that was boneless center cut pork chops they were fucking good the collard greens that's this was the thing it was that little orange zest on top of the rice that that set it off i would never think tom and i were talking about this it's like it's great you don't only you don't only learn like how to make a meal, but you learn the things like adding that orange zest to the top of the rice. I was just about to fucking call you out for turning this into an infomercial. I know.

It's just not an infomercial. This was a conversation Tom and I had. No, I agree. We're trying to make this conversational, but at some point I have to fucking call bullshit on orange zest. You're conversating. But let's go back to shit we weren't promoting when we first found Negronis.

And we realized that the orange twist over the top made the drink... Made a fucking difference. That was it. If it doesn't have an orange foot so now I have to relent and then get done with this because you're right

the point and I know I'm on that cusp but at the same time it's like you learn little things because you're following a recipe that is put together but then it's like that orange zest on the rice that changes the whole thing. And the collard greens,

learning to cut the stems out and cook them earlier, I would never know that, but I would still cook with those things. And you would never use that. I would not. I have to use a liquor reference to understand what you're talking about. I get where the Negroni needs the orange zest.

Maybe your fucking other stuff does. I eat only so I can drink more. There you go. You drink and bounce. It's a great lesson for my listeners. Hey, sign up at blueapron.com

slash stanhope and get three free meals because you don't want to drink on an empty stomach and turn into an asshole. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Done. Beautiful. Great. Thanks, guys.

There it is. Don't record it. I mean, it's it I mean it's not recording It's not recording That's something that should be What? What are you gonna say? Yeah he just turned it off Hey Blue

It's coming What was Belushi's name In that fucking animal house When he chugs the fucking quarter Of jackdaws Beludo's name in that fucking animal house when he chugs the fucking quarter of jackdaws? Beludo. Yeah, something like that. Beludo?

Beludo or something like that. Oh, he turned up the JD. Yeah. When they're getting thrown on a... I was thinking, it's coming. When we were in high school, I had a friend. He made a bet with him. We were at a bonfire party. This this guy, I can, somebody told him,

drink this whole bottle of vodka. I can drink it. And he fucking sat there and chugged almost an entire fifth of vodka. Jesus Christ. That guy was more hammer than I've ever seen anybody. Then later, he had to, he's still conscious, he had to piss. Later, I had to piss. And some chick was's still conscious. He had to piss later. Ah, the piss. Some chick was trying to tell us to help him piss.

You guys help him. We're like, fuck no. We're not helping him piss. We're all fucking homophobic. Crying game. You're on your own, pal. Just to piss a mate. Now that we're older, we all hold each other's dicks while we piss. Listen, I would hold anybody's dick in this room

if they chugged a whole bottle of vodka so they wouldn't piss their pants. That's just the level of friendship that we have. But you don't have that back then, plus you're a little homophobic. And I wouldn't take you up on it now because your hands are too big. You wouldn't know. And I wouldn't take any pictures. But he knows he has big hands. So finally, and the chick that wanted us to take his dick out was kind of cute.

So I was actually being a wingman like, no, you do it. That way she could take his dick out. He wouldn't know. Makes sense. He ended up fucking passing out cold, just solid out next to the bonfire party. We carried him up, and we put him in the back of my buddy's pickup truck. Laid him in there. Right.

We went back down and partied. This was fucking, like, we should have been concerned that this guy was alcohol poisoned at some point. But we weren't. So we left him in there. We went back down to the party, and we're hanging out and trying to talk to girls. And I brought people up to smoke a joint. So I was like, well, we'll go smoke a joint up where my buddy's passed out in the truck. So we go up.

Yeah, smoke on him. So we're smoking and they're like, hey, is he all right? Check on him. So in order to check on him, I leaned over and just pinched his nose shut and clamped his mouth closed to make sure he was breathing. So I held him tight off for a few... And he finally...

Yeah, he's all right. He's breathing. So we continued to smoke joint, which was probably not the best way to check if your friend is breathing. Yeah. Well, especially if he's teetering on the edge, and that's going to put him out fucking completely.

It gets fucking so much worse. You did get results. You got results. You didn't have the mirror with the breakfast. Hang on, this story's not over. It gets so much worse. Oh, my God. The party's going to, we're going to go from the campfire party

down to another house party. And the same girl who wanted us to pull his dick out to take a piss wants us to not leave him in the back of my friend's truck to go to the next party. And we're like, no, we always ride in the back of fucking trucks. No. So he's like six foot tall. So we're drunk as fuck, and under her direction,

we go ahead and haul him out unconscious out of the back of the truck and slide him into the back of somebody's car. It's fucking Weekend at Bernie's. But yeah, in order to do this, he's hanging out that side, and he's hanging out this side. So my friend folds his legs up on his ass and slams the door. But I'm on the head end, and I'm like, well, fuck. What do I do with this?

I can't do that, but I didn't know what else to do, so I just did that. Pushed him up by the throat and then slammed the door, so his face slams into the window. I love you, bro. So he's folded up like a fucking taco in the back of this little car. We're only going never once regains consciousness through all of this and it's never a fucking alarm in any of our head the party is only maybe a mile or two down the road the house party that we're going to so we go down we get to the house party i'm drunk and 16 years

old trying to be a fucking show off so i decide that I'm going to fireman carry him into the party from the car so I have him on my shoulders unconscious and I'm walking into the party but I've also been fucking drinking the entire night so I start stumbling halfway there

with your buddy over your shoulders like a mink stole and again he's a big dude. We had to fold him in half twice to put him in the back of a car. So he's as big as me. So I'm going, and I start stumbling, and I fall, and his head lands directly in a dog water bowl that's right outside the house. in a dog water bowl that's right outside the house.

We both fucking crash in a big pile. His head in a dog water bowl. Mine didn't. Everybody else picks him up and carries him into the house and just throws him on the bed. When they throw him onto the bed, he bounces

two or three times. At about the third bounce, he starts puking. So somebody rolls him half off the bed and puts a garbage can underneath his... This was one of my best friends, by the way. Of course. At this point, somebody has announced...

Well, I just wanted to point that out because at this point, somebody points out that we have a crack at this party, points out that we have a crack at this party but we don't have a crack pipe but one of my buddies knows how to fucking set up tinfoil off the side of the bathroom counter and we can smoke crack off of the thing so i leave my friend puking in the garbage can so we can go smoke crack clearly other bathroom yeah we're all prioritized up. And he fucking, he ends up making, I mean, he's breathing.

He throws up a whole bunch, but he goes back to sleep. We're done. And about halfway through the party, one of my friends says, we should call his parents and tell him he's okay. No, we probably should not do that. Yeah. And he did he called his mom and just said we have chris and he's okay and hung up the phone chris's mom one time had we got caught drinking and chris's mom made us all hold hands in the carport and pray

because we all got caught drinking together. So that just gives you an idea of his mom. She didn't hang up the phone and say, well, I guess my son's okay. Thank God. Same old, same old. So she comes knocking on the fucking house. One of a hundred houses she probably knocked on.

No, she knew exactly where the fuck we were. This fucking town of 4,000 people. You're fucking 16 years old. You're not genius. Laser sighted. There was fucking naked people laying around all over. She could see. And we all just pretended to fucking be asleep.

And we let that motherfucker answer the door all by himself not one of us got up we waited for him to get up and go talk to his mom at the door she just pounded on the door relentlessly well there was a little window in the door so she could clearly see that there was 40 naked teenagers drunk in there. An orgy dome? No one ever got naked when I was a teenager. No, never. Not even a fucking reticent Girls Gone Wild half flash. I wouldn't say that it was a regular occurrence.

It was a fucking special night, that's for sure. There were 40 people. That was a special night. There was crack involved we've never smoked crack at any party that I've been to there's never hey do you want crack

we have wine or crack there's a sangria but I think there's a lot of melon I remember a lot of parties in here when you figured out you could get fucking Ritalin in Mexico and hack and a bunch of people would be all fucking huddled around a table, crushing it up to snort it.

But yeah, we're in our 40s. There's no crack when I was 16. No, we were teenagers we went the next night we went to Tucson or I mean to Phoenix to buy crack to sell cause we knew now what the fucking market was on crack

a bunch of suckers at that party fantastic we can make a bunch of money on crack and we went to Phoenix and got crack but then we smoked all the crack on the way home it is a long drive yeah it was like two and a half to be fair you're gonna go two and a half hours wow you were smoking crack because it's three and a half hours you're not smoking crack well crack doesn't take very long to smoke i mean it's i'm saying well drive I still was not a fan of crack

because it was a shitty drug is what I felt like yeah you did a lot of it but only because you had to up that late well it's gone you do it and then you're like I need some more crack you don't have that with other drugs

you just do it I think you have that with all drugs. That's why they're drugs. Well, not within 10 minutes. Crack is horrible. There's the time issue there. To be fair, this is all hyperbole, and I've never smoked crack in my entire life. Holy shit, I forgot we were recording.

crack in my entire life. Holy shit, I forgot we recorded. I smoked crack with Becker while we were both trying to fuck this girl. I don't know if I should save this for the book. I think you already talked about this on the podcast. Yeah, the inevitable bonefish. We called her Bonefish.

Becker used to just randomly yell out of the car at a girl, Hey Bonefish, you wanna fuck? Bonefish. That's a romantic name. Gotta work sometime. It's funny because Becker said it. And he says it like Becker.

And then we met a girl that fit the description. With a bonefish. She's skinny and she had fins. Dude, you nailed it. She's very thin. She had gills. There's a slight odor about her.

Oh, fuck. Yeah. So we called her the inevitable bonefish. Are those slippers? Because eventually we were going to find a girl that matched

that description. That's funny. Hey, bonefish, you want to fuck? I don't know if it was one of his bits he said on stage. This is open mic days

in Phoenix. That's my pickup line. Hey, bonefish, you want to fuck? Whatever it was, it was like an internal catchphrase. That's a good t- Hey, Bonefish, you want to fuck? Whatever it was, it was like an internal catchphrase. And then we met this girl, and we're both trying to fuck her.

And we're going to try to get coke. So I'm at the hotel. Becker takes her out to get coke somewhere in a bad neighborhood. It's Killeen, Texas, which is a fucking army town huge fucking military base and i shoot out coke is not yeah drugs are not hard to find

nor are pawn shops or rent to own black lacquer furniture yeah uh plasma donation rent to own black lacquer furniture yes oh nice rent to own black lacquer furniture. Yes. Oh, nice. Rent to own black lacquer. With the gold trim, you know. Classy, classy. We do it right here. We do it right here. It's classy. Rent to own.

Fremont Street. Fremont adjacent. Yeah, exactly. That's funny. They went out and they scored street coke in the middle of the night, which turned out to be crack. But Becker knew how to do exactly the same. Tin foil.

We don't have a pipe. This is not coke. It's crack. And so he gave me a hit of, he fashioned an aluminum foil pipe. And I go, yeah yeah I want a hit because I'm drunk I'm falling down I'm going to lose my chance to fight to fuck the chick

the bonefish and I took a couple hits off it and I was getting nothing and after I passed out and he fucked a girl he told me the next day that he had purposely And after I passed out and he fucked a girl, he told me the next day that he had purposely pinched the pipe when I was taking a piss.

Ah, fuck! So I couldn't get it hitched. Becker, you're a genius. Becker. When you said that, I'm like, maybe he fucking... I didn't see that coming. That's funny. He probably finagled it so you wouldn't get any of it.

Yeah, it's fucking brilliant. You just said it. No, you wouldn't know. of it you just said it you know you wouldn't know that's funny a fucking becker so yeah again it's like if you read the first book it's one of those technicalities right yeah i've tried crack that kinda technically i inhaled yeah but i didn't get any in my lungs oh great stuff as much as you tried but the bonefish oh i love that i remember her name i won't say it on the podcast oh but it's just uh it's weird that right now the name came into my head where if you asked me a fucking million times in a million days no way you would have remembered it nope yeah found it wait so her name's not Bonefish?

I'm writing down another story. Maybe once in a million, he actually hit up a chick named Bonefish. Bonefish. While you're driving down the street in your Suzuki Samurai, rented by the fucking club. Hey, Bonefish, how does that guy know my name? Yes, I do. Yes.

I'm trying to find the hardest stories. I have a story about Bonefish came to rescue me on the road once in Texas and where my car had broken down, one of a million cars had broke down and I had to trade for fucking parts and take a Greyhound to the next gig and figure out how I'm going to get another car because they're fucking $400 cars.

And she came and picked me up in Louisiana, brought me to Big Springs, Texas, where I had to catch a bus to Froggy Bottoms. These are all gigs you're trying to stitch together? Yeah, and the story's soft. Fuck it, I'm putting it on the dumb podcast. It's an old story I put on my website a billion years ago. But fuck that guy.

Who hasn't been on the pitch to Froggy Bottoms? It's not strong enough for the book, but I fucking love this story. Yeah, give it up. I was shanghaied for four or five hours in Big Springs, Texas, at the Greyhound bus station in this wasteland town,

and this bum came into the Greyhound station like he was on some kind of schedule. For every 30 minutes or so. He'd come and he'd check all the coin returns. Coin returns and the pay phones and the newspaper. Oh, his paper. Soda machine. That's a common move.

Fucking donut machine, pay phones, newspaper boxes. And he did the whole... And I had my life savings was just a giant bunch of change in my bag. I had a change jar basically in my bag. So towards the end, I just went and I loaded every coin return with change. Oh, that's great. And I caught it before my bus came where he did come in,

and he went through four or five of, and with this, there's no one else in the bus station. It's me. I'm the only guy going from Big Springs to Lubbock, and then he's looking around. I'm just eyeballing my newspaper like I'm not watching. Do you have the eyes cut out in the newspaper so you can watch the next coin return?

And then the fourth, he's like, it's a Christmas day mirror. It's all quarters. It's all quarters. My dreams have come true. Is that a half? That's a Sacagawea. Sacagawea sacagawea and then the bathroom is in between the first coin returns and the other ones in the middle and he went directly into

the bathroom and took some kind of victory shit and then scrambled out of there i probably counted the amount of coins to see if he had enough to go buy a bottle of fucking old chicken. He keistered it so no one could rob him. I'm putting it somewhere safe. I'm putting it into my bank. Either way,

he left without ever checking the rest of the coin returns that I filled up and then my bus came and I know he's coming back. He'll find the rest of the coin returns that I filled up and then my bus came and I know he's coming back. He'll find the rest. He had what he needed for that moment.

Maybe a hot dog and some fucking mad dog. Pay it forward, man. I love that. That's a great story, dog. That is fucking great. I don't know if it was Facebook or MySpace. You're talking about Bonefish?

Bonefish. Bonefish. She did, at one point when social media became alive, contact me. I don't know if you remember me. Are you fucking kidding? Like 10 or 11, 95, 96? Yeah, that's not 10 or 11. That's 20 or yeah that's like uh no this would have

been more than 20 years ago oh i'm sorry 2005 2006 this was i'm sorry this would be like 92 93 no later than 94 when it the internet started no i wrote the story on my website back when my early website yeah the inevitable bonefish I wonder if she's got that as a twitter handle I fucked her after Beck

not the same night I'm saying later she isn't going to drive to Louisiana from Texas to pick me up to bring me to Big Springs do you have any idea how fucking long

that drive is? how long? it's well when you hit when you're driving long enough that you'll fuck Bonefish

to get a ride that's that's long long enough that Bonefish will pick you up because she might get fucked

when you hit Bonefish I pick you up because she might get fucked. When you hit... Fucking Bonefish. I love that name. From a guy that's baiting hobos. You should have thrown a hook in with those quarters just to see if you could catch one. Just to reel it in. Baiting?

I made that guy's day. Of course you did. I know you did. And that change actually was worth something to me then. But the fly fishing analogy was there. You had to go for it. When you hit the fucking I-10 coming west and you hit Texas,

the first exit you see is 897. That means you have 8 or 867. Either way, you have more than 800 miles to go before you hit the other side. Big Springs is towards the other side. It was a long fucking trip.

But she did it. I've gone across Texas with you, and I've gone across Montana with Hedberg. Montana seems longer. Really? Well, it was in a motorhome, so that might have been why. And there was bad circumstances. No, it was just...

Isn't that when Hedberg hated you and stuff? What? You had a big blowout with Hedberg driving the RV. That was in Seattle. That was in Seattle at the end of it. It starts in North Dakota when you fired that dude. It started in Minnesota when he fired his road manager, and then our thing was to drive across the top of the country.

But I was coming up from Tampa because I was – If you drive across North Dakota, you're already in so bad of a mood that by the time Montana gets gets there it's not gonna cheer you up and it was uh every every every i got in the in the motorhome and uh we hung out and talked for like hours and then like one o'clock, we pulled into a gas station, filled up. I think Lynn won a bunch of money at a Slots or something.

It came out with like hats for everyone, like cowboy hats. It's like stupid, right? Lynn winning money is losing money because she's just going to spend it all on magic beans. Hedberg's like, I'm going to make some sandwich on rye. I can't remember.

A Reuben. A Reuben. And then I put the recipe online. It was like, it's such a very good Reuben sandwich. I wish

blueapron.com had Reuben's. Hedberg's Reuben sandwich? Yeah, Hedberg's Reuben sandwich. So then we kept driving and then like one in the morning, he goes, hey, we're going to take a break. You're going to drive. I'm like, what the fuck?

What? I'm driving? It's a 32-foot motorhome. And now it's 1 AM. And I have to start driving just west. We're just going west for like five days and i'm like i know i've been up the whole fucking time i've been up since seven in the morning when i got to the airport in tampa florida right and then i get to minute yeah and then i that's when i found out

how to drive and then after a couple hours he he's like, all right, Shaley. What? I kept hitting the fucking brr, brr, brr. It's like, but I didn't know I was going to drive. It was just one of those things where like, yeah, it's your turn. It's like not anywhere in the last four hours. You want to get some shut eye? Yeah, any indication of anything. Hey, by the way, you're going to be driving in a couple hours?

Yeah, yeah. After Lynn hits it big on fucking slots with the hats. Well, first of all, if you're shitting on Montana, you started driving at 1 a.m. Wow, Montana's really shitty to drive through. Well, yeah, at 1 in the morning when you have no sleep. No, no, we were still, we started in Minnesota, and then we started going west,

and we just had to be in Seattle. Fargo, not Mandarin, but Szechuan. We're blowing through everything. Szechuan? We're blowing through everything just to get to Seattle because we have a film crew that's meeting us just east of the mountain range that you go over before you get into Seattle

because then we're doing a show. It's a little mountain range called the Rockies. I don't know. It's a... Oh, before Seattle. Sorry. I thought you meant when you're going into Washington. That's where we couldn't find a fucking hotel room

last time we did the... Driving the same path. Yeah, but no, there's that big one, fucking Mount Lemon that's here. I'm going to say... Mount Rainier or whatever. You go to Snoqualmie Pass. Snoqualmie Pass.

So right before the Snoqualmie Pass, Comedy Central crew is going to meet us to get on board and start taping as we go over the pass and then get to the gig, which at times we weren't going to make the gig. It's fucking a long way. It took us two days to get across Montana. It's just, but you're in a fucking motorhome. Yeah. You're not going that fast.

And at the same time, we're pulling over. motorhome yeah you're not going that fast and at the same time we're pulling over we're fucking winning hats and fucking slot machines and making rubens i always wanted to do a uh uh road comic jeopardy at the montreal comedy festival just for laughs just for laughs just for a year if you're a French-speaking Quebecian. Wow, that's a panache. Aren't they all? Where you just, like, for road comics, because there is, or there was, there probably still is, kind of a rift between L.A. New York comics who only did sets in town to the metropolitan speaking folk versus road comics who granted are generally hacky and

hey what's up with dating in the 90s yeah they just changed the decade the jokes stay the same but he's a fucking road hack but they dismiss that you all came from the fucking road or you didn't you never played the road and your fucking yeah highfalutin jokes wouldn't work out there and some of us found a balance where we could be you know we could play to both audiences so i wanted to do Road Comedy Jeopardy as a show at the Just for Laughs Festival where you get comics. All right. You're going from Austin, Texas to Minneapolis, and you have to do it in 36 hours to make the gig. What interstate are you on? All these things. You're an abilene endless

possibilities where do you go from here to get to there yeah right like the only person that like hedberg knew every fucking off-ramp every fucking place and you're the only other comic that i've spent any erickson's pretty good pretty good yeah but he's he's erickson good he's not on the level like headberg knew where we were this was prior to gps or phones that ways that would tell you where to go but like you will know area codes you will know interstates wherever we're at i'm not blowing smoke if you're i'm saying i'm that is a thing because i don't know i played because i played in bands that played a lot of places all through airports i could get and it was it was a thing which would be

probably 1800 2000 miles i could get us from Bisbee, Arizona to our favorite hotel restaurant bar in Bozeman, Montana without having a fucking GPS or a road atlas. Unless there was some scheduled maintenance on the road, you would find the fastest

way. And Hedberg was the same way. He's like, no, we're going this.'re we're taking the country road here because that gets us around this bullshit thing it's like how do you fucking know that it's been years on the road and i have this question for you who would you rather see a road comic or a like la or new york comic well for for uh that jeopardy you'd also have to balance it out with uh all right uh you're gonna do 15 minutes at one of the three major clubs in la how much uh uh are you gonna get paid i'm trying to make one up yeah like between i i remember how

much how little they would pay you to do a spot at the store versus the laugh factory versus the thing the improv so yeah you'd have to balance it out with inner city where is it you're gonna i don't i can't but do you have more all right i'm gonna paint you i don't want to paint you into a corner but uh like road comics to me the people that i see that are on the road that are doing road work i they're different than the people that are just sitting in LA or doing sets in New York. Well, and again, I've been out of both realms for a dozen years. I've been doing my comedy. I moved to, yeah, hey, what's the best place to do comedy in Bisbee?

Let's get the best stage. Is the answer Elmos? No, it is, but it should be the Hitching Post. Anyway, point being, I don't know anything about that anymore. I don't even know. I know that when you fucking play in LA, New York, you can play to the back of the room. I've found jokes and stories even for the book that this plays in L.A. and New York where no one else would get it.

So when comics that start there that you play to an audience that's all industry anyway or industry savvy, or if you did that in fucking Iowa City, cricket, cricket. Anywhere in Nashville? Anywhere. Anywhere where there's not industry. Actually, there is industry in Nashville sorry Chaz Chaz silent

these are interesting things to me because I'm trying to figure out how you think now because you don't spend a lot of time on the road no it's fully interesting to me I'm waiting for you to get him to fucking respond like that again that was good i like that fucking whole fucking explanation but he's interesting he's getting ready to go back on the road after writing a book which is i think is insane because you don't go from book mode to like all of a sudden having a set, and there's maybe eight days, nine days in between.

So me asking him, I'm trying to gauge where his fucking head is at as I try and vamp for time while he's making Tom Kanopka a drink. All right, let's just fucking open up here. No one's head is right after the whole fucking bingo thing. No one has come back to normal so when i told hennigan just fucking book me out i gotta write the book that's all i'm doing day in day out don't fucking text me and ask if you i want to chat if you're not listening to the podcast

that's how you catch up and otherwise i'm ignoring phone calls and after that, it's going to be straight into the road. I'm going to figure out what the fuck, the jokes I started last time I was on the road and I'll finish them. And if you guys turn on me, I don't give a fuck. I'm going to be on the road because it's good for my head and it makes it work and none of us are right anymore. I think it's very interesting you

brought that up because that has not been that has not been brought up once no and honestly that was good i still uh go over when someone walked in it's like hey someone fell down out there and was like and like picture me with my feet up hands behind my head going like who cares if it's important they'll call shaley that was the fucking that was my attitude with like lindy and her sisters sitting in here and like ah we don't well if it was important we'd know it's like well if it's important they'd call for Shaylee. And I still think of that. She's laying out there unconscious. And then two months of our lives were fucking completely stopped because of that.

It doesn't even seem like two months. Like you said, I've still fucking, I don't know. November and December. I actually, if we're being being honest I'll fucking tell you it was I liked it because I was needed like you needed

you could say I need you to come and hang out with me and I had no focus remember when I talked to you guys before maybe not on a podcast

but I talked whenever there was a big fire and everybody evacuated and I was the only one fucking home you were there with your hose

pissing off my roof they evacuated Tom for you. Between here and Sierra Vista, where he's at. He was there. He stayed at his house. I was going to say, yeah. So they evacuate everyone. He's like, fuck you.

I ain't evacuating. I'm just going to sit on my roof with a hose. You ain't losing my house. Well, I'm suicidal anyway. So I mean, if I'm fucking... Yeah, I want to watch you coming. Passive, passive-aggressive. I don't give a fuck what way it is.

That's a jank. But I felt I had a purpose during that fucking time when there was that fire and I had a hose and I could fucking wet stuff and there was hot stuff landing on the ground. I had a purpose. Right. And I kind of felt that way when Bingo was in the hospital.

Like, I was needed. Like, I could come and be... Yes. I could be something. I could serve a purpose, whereas most of the time, I don't fucking serve a purpose. Life stopped for all of us, and it was just focused on that i someone will figure out the

bill someone will do this and i still don't know how everything worked out but you didn't and then you come back and she's good she's not fucking the same person yet. But if I died, she'd be fine. She can go to fucking Safeway. She can drive a car. Of course. We've texted back and forth here and there. The personality is different. And the small nuances.

The vocal cords are still fucked. That little shit that they'll work out but then you're like all right life's normal again uh fuck what do i do what's that yeah i i hate to you know what i don't hate to make the analogy because when you talk to guys that came back from war and that was their thing, fucking survive, stay alive. And now normal life isn't the same because now they, okay, your four years are up. We don't need you anymore. Yeah. Go ahead and fucking get a job at fucking, you know.

Walmart's hiring. Yeah. There was a specific chicken chain I was looking for of fast food that wasn't Popeye's. I don't know why I had to stumble there. Either way, the point is, yeah. Yeah, you're not fucking killing gooks anymore. Now you're a work-the-fry-later pioneer chicken.

Yeah, yeah. You're in the boat. Things settle down and life seems a bit more less meaningful. Yeah, but in a good way, the positive side, as I told Hennigan, where I'd usually say, i don't have an act i fucking don't know what the now i don't care if i have an act i'll figure it out send me out there let's make up for this and on the 19th absolutely i really fucking admire that as a guy who's afraid to go in his fucking closet and read into a microphone by himself. I really fucking admire that.

Oh, no, that's the problem. Chad, and you know this, the problem is going to come when that becomes the same old fear, and I've already agreed to fucking working out the entire year in every bumfuck town. I go, oh, now I remember

why I didn't want to do this before Bingo smashed your bean. Now you're back to normal. Then I'll be... Well, I need to mention this. All the dates are on DougStanhope.com. The California dates that

were postponed because of Bingo's noggin bumping, those are back up. And the Boston date deal, it's all through the venue. It has nothing to do with us. Everything else is rebooked. But that

date basically got moved. It's all through the venue. The Wilbur Theater in Boston. Around LA. Irvine and Bray or something or Ontario. Whatever. I want to work with Morgan Murphy. theater in Boston. Around LA. Irvine and Bray or something or Ontario, whatever. I want to work with Morgan Murphy. California and Reno. I know we've talked

about working together. Oh, that'd be great. I know. That would be fucking killing. I don't know what to pay her. That's one of those fucking weird things. Sorry, this is a drunk podcast. But do you have any openers for the country? No, I don't have any fucking So why can't it be Morgan Murphy? Well, because that's why I'm saying it on the podcast. Maybe she'll hear it. I don't have any fucking so why can't it be morgan murphy well because i that's why i'm

saying it on the podcast maybe she'll hear it like i don't know what to pay her yeah she's a fucking headliner that's why that's why all of us don't fucking work together that's why we don't have a tour of bill burr and joe rogan and morgan murphy everyone that everyone that was on that End of the World podcast. I still feel like I was robbed of that moment when Trump won the election because I was so out of my mind because Bingo was in a coma that I was just fucked and it didn't matter. I remember at the end yelling it didn't matter. And Manson came to the rescue and was rolling around backstage

but would refuse to go on stage. And this management called, get him out of there. It was like a secret service. Wait, did you just try to make that seem less chaotic with that anecdote? That was even more chaotic that that was happening. I'm saying, how is that your focus? There was so much subterfuge

going on of just getting him out of the building like Manson. And he saved the fucking night. He's the one who saved us from Doug singing. My point is that I get now that the whole Trump thing is settling in

and I don't even know if that's good or bad. Yeah. I, there was that moment in it. That was a lot of people's nine 11 was Trump got elected. And I was so out of my fucking mind with bingo and all the other fucking alcohol and cocaine and just trying to stay awake to fucking,

this is my idea. I got to follow through that now. I didn't have that. And now the second tower got hit. Looks like this is a terrorist attack kind of moment where I was just passed past i was yelling at people it doesn't matter think about my wife my own head i yeah i hope i didn't say no no no you yeah you fucking you hung up our buddy chad shank you hung him out to dry in front of fucking everyone. 300 plus people.

He's got a good story. Jim Jeffries has fucking, he's part of to blame because he brought his kid. His kid. The announcement was to bring Jim Jeffries on stage and then they couldn't because he brought his kid into a fucking adult situation

and then you brought Chad out and everyone fucking clapped and it was fucking amazing and i'm in the back of the room snapping fingers like chad's gonna love this and then you fucking leave and chad's now sitting out there with bill burr joe rogan burt kreischer and a couple other people yeah jim jeffries and his kid oh and then they showed up yeah fucking late to the party and i'm like like, I go backstage. I took some pictures because I don't want to rub your face. But I went back and I'm like, Doug, get the fuck out there. What are you doing?

He's like, no, he's fine. No, he's fine. I was going into the toilet to cry away from people. Chad's fine. But Chad, his identity is with you. You brought him out to sit next to you, and then you got up and walked away. I was awkward and fucking uncomfortable as fuck,

but I was fine. You were awkward and uncomfortable backstage like we all were, and then he calls you out on stage and then fucking leaves. That's the confidence he has in Chad Shank. It's not stand-up comedy. This was a round table just like any other podcast,

but it was live. So if you don't say anything, they're not going to go, oh, that one guy sucked because he didn't say anything. When you said stuff. So is that how it felt, Chad? No, well, luckily enough people there i felt knew who i was and were at least relatable like chad must feel awkward as fuck out there because

stanhope just fucking left him with all those guys so i felt like that was at least kind of normal. And then whenever I had a good joke to drop in at the end of Bill Burr's ramp, whenever Stanhope does that, I can look at him and he'll stop talking for a second so that I can say something because we've done this enough time. But I didn't have anybody up there to do that. So I had something to say. And then when Bill Burr started talking again immediately afterwards, I at least was smart enough to not try to force it in. So I was grateful enough for that.

But I was fucking feeling real weird out there. You needed a touchstone. You needed someone to bounce things off of, which he was backstage getting a vodka soda. Okay, put yourself in everybody else's position. Forget me. Imagine everybody else that's on the stage. Nobody knows who the fuck I am at all or why I'm there or what the fucking reference is for me being there.

You did exactly the right thing. You were just being yourself. They assumed that... Well, they were at least concerned enough with themselves that they didn't fucking care about me, which is a nice thing about fucking people that are...

They paid fucking 30, 40 bucks or whatever it was. No, no, he's talking about on the dais. On the stage. Look, Bert Kreischer, he was way at the end with his shirt off.

And Doug licking his nipples. Rogan, they definitely knew who because if I would have been sitting next to Burt Kreischer I would have felt a lot better because Burt Kreischer fucking will hug me when he sees me Burt Kreischer has texted me a couple of times to say something you know fucking

but Burt would have been your touchstone where Doug would have been the he Doug bailed on you I was definitely way more starstruck by the half of the stage that I was on. Like, Rogan, I've never talked to. The whole thing was... Are you talking to Rogan?

No, no, not in any kind of... No, no. Come on. That guy thinks I'm a fucking asshole. Sure. I don't think that's true at all. But I don't think me being there at all but I don't think me being there

would have made you any more comfortable let me get back to the point while I remember it I don't remember it is the reason that we don't tour like that is well for me I assume it's a money thing no one at our level

and I think we've talked about this in 200 podcasts or 191 or whatever the fuck dude 191 just went out how the fuck did he's got the area codes I'm not the only one that listens this is 192

i don't need to fucking get it memorized said this openly that we should have some kind of fucking league of extraordinary gentlemen that the uh rogan brought up the first time fucking 15 years ago like yeah i'll tell you what i make at every fucking gig and what the cut is and like you don't know what people make now and you don't know how concerned they are about money and as you know i'm not and so yeah that's the problem with hey you guys should do that all the time i just for that podcast whatever the take was we said for the end of the world election night podcast yeah we'll just give it to charity yeah and then i remember when you guys said that backstage because i said uh i'll wrestle joe rogan on stage for half of it right now.

And everybody said, Joe Rogan would kick your ass. And I said, I'm not disputing that. I'm just saying I'll fucking wrestle Joe Rogan on stage for half of it. You didn't say you're going to pit him. I will be choked out by Joe Rogan. So, yeah, that was on. I used to make lists all the time before the bingo thing. And then it was just like, hey, fucking bingo.

It was all it was. Bingo bills will fucking eventually get paid. So on a list, I get to fucking give the money we said said that we're gonna give it to charity right and we were gonna decide what charity and i think at some point during the podcast i said let's just give it to a dude we'll we'll figure out what dude because i hate charities i think they're all scams uh oh i thought i thought that glass broke he's making me a drink yeah so eventually i oh fuck it's been months now so i just uh just told i i texted both rogan and burr like hey what's the fucking address i've just cut you a check for a third, and you guys can each decide,

rather than us trying to figure out how to have conversations about who, I'll give you a third, I'll give my third to charity. And then Burr's like, I don't even remember. What are we going to do with the money? I don't remember. What was the conversation? do with the money? I don't know. What was the conversation? And he goes, just give mine to St. Jude's.

St. Jude's. It's the only one I know that's reputable. It's the one. Go fuck yourself. Now, I just wanted a fucking address. I just wanted to send you a check that you can decide and then you get the tax bill burr would have paid to see me get my ass kicked by joe rogan i'm just saying he would have fucking said that was funny yeah well rogan went the other way how about we give

it to bingo's uh legal funds i go don't it's not a thing what about it we give it to bigger no just give me a fucking address i just i have to i all this shit to do right i just want one uh simple task of addressing an envelope and writing a check which is so archaic to write a check. I almost snapped on a lady that was writing a check at the fucking Safeway in front of me. Don't forget your S&H green stamps. S&H? I haven't fucking

heard that. I just want to send it so I don't have to think about it. Yeah. No, I just want to fucking so i did find saint jude's and i gave that and i sent him a picture of the thing and they put his email so bill burr has given his third to saint jude's. I sent a check to Joe Rogan, and I'm sure he'll do something great with it.

I have only, all I did was pay for an abortion with a small chunk of my third. Doing God's work right there. Doing God's work. We used to do that all the time, and I've lapsed every year. I'm trying, dude. No abortion. No, she just won't get dude. No abortion, but I got a head

gasket that could need some fucking help. You just need to name that gasket. Yeah, just name that gasket. Hang on. Done. Jail. No, no, no. Nobody

would ever bitch that that wasn't... Absolutely. Charity. How much is it? Because... This is... I have no idea.

The abortion was only $520. That's head gasket. If this gets chatted... I'm saying write it down. I'm serious. If this gets chatted on the podcast more regularly, then we'll get AAA to tow his car to Highway 92 and get the whole fucking thing fixed.

My car is at my house. I just need to fix the head gasket. I haven't looked at it. He can fix the fucking thing. He needs the money. Can you just get a pen? I don't have... I haven't looked it up.

I have a pen right here. What do you want me to write down? I haven't looked up how much it costs because I don't have any money to fix it, so there's no point to fucking fix it. Write down head gasket plus abortion equals how much I owe to charity. Yo, look. That's the point.

I got to fucking keep it. Wait, is that both for charity? I have to keep it. It's like gambling money we talked about on another show. Money management. This is money management. You have one abortion credit. I have to keep... It's like gambling money we talked about on another show. Money management. This is money management. You have one abortion credit. I have an abortion credit?

Holy shit. No. I have to make sure I spend all the money that we got from that podcast on charity. So I prefer my charity to be person to person. St. Jude's. Eyeball to eyeball. Yes. I trust Bill Burr that that's the best one. St. Jude's. Eyeball to eyeball. I trust Bill Burr that that's the best one.

St. Jude's is pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I like to give it directly to a guy that needs it without someone getting a cut for all the mailers they send out. 80% goes to admin. Yeah. It's all bullshit.

But Chad is not bullshit. So a head gasket. Am I just going to Napa and get the head gasket and hand it to him no no it's a big fucking deal I'm just saying

I get a we should keep a tally we need a fucking board in here like a like a the Jerry Lewis yeah

I don't want to be on your board I'll tell you guys right now you put me on your fucking Jerry Lewis telephone board I ain't coming over to this motherfucker anymore fuck you guys I ain. You put me on your fucking Jerry Lewis telephone board, I ain't coming over to this motherfucker anymore.

Fuck you guys. I ain't taking your money for a head gasket. Fuck all of you. I want to be anonymous, motherfucker. I'll hitchhike over here before I take your fucking charity. Look at us. We're walking. Look at us.

I don't even want to be here. Much less fucking made to be a fucking asshole. Where is the... Oh, sorry. I got confused with two thoughts. The board I was talking about are things that we should mention every podcast, which we used to have until we decorated.

That's a great idea. Yeah, now we don't have room for it because it ain't pretty. But yeah, just bullet points of shit we should have on every podcast that we don't. I have a way to do that, but you're not going to like that.

That's off the air. I was only talking about making sure that I gave away all the money that was paid. So it's not the chad shank charity board it's all right paid for your head gasket got rid of a fucking all right but i want to wrestle somebody that's why we're doing this whole podcast you look like you're you look like you're gonna wrestle someone i go hey jlee, fire up the podcast because otherwise. Actually, for Super Bowl this year, we don't have a chicken drop.

We'll oil you up and you can do a ramatan fucking wrestle match. Oh, I thought you were going to make me shit a carrot. I was going to fucking up my price. Shit a carrot. Shit a carrot. I just realized that we made someone do that. And somehow it didn't play on camera. No one sued us. Your...

I gagged like a motherfucker. Your food-colored enema that spit out the camera was not, spit out of your asshole was not photogenic enough, and we had to cut the scene. Well, to be fair, the floor was blue, and the shit was like a green. we definitely should have had a red carrot shit out or something like a like a yellow orange or something i'm not a hollywood expert like the ones who've chimed in on your uh she was uh homeless so maybe she was so uh dehydrated

that her colon soaked in most of the liquid because it was supposed to be a heavy, spurting enema, food colored with a carrot to denote what number on the keynote board. And yeah, it was basically a spit. It doesn't sound any better when it's retold. When it's retold, it sounds like we should all be in jail. Oh, this is horrible. Wait a minute, you let this happen?

We are in jail. Jesus, I never leave this funhouse. That's it. A prison of my own making. On YouTube, they have the Lock Up Raw. They don't have it on Netflix anymore. They have it on YouTube. MSNBC had like just prison shows

where they just show inside prison over and over I watch them for like five days never leaving my bed I think I could live like that as long as I had TV you gotta fight sometimes you gotta watch TV and nap

I think that would be alright like totally regimented i like you do i would be the best person i have ever been in that environment unfortunately i couldn't i remember making georgia where i did i write this or just tell this? Keep talking. I'll tell you if you did. I was at a club where they had, it was like Roadhouse or Porky's where they put you. Porky's. Roadhouse or Porky's. There's two separate things.

Roadhouse or Porky's. You can't say. They're both shitty bars. That's like pecan pie or like eating a fucking rib. They're both shitty bars and fucking redneck bars. Come on. How is that not the same thing? Oh, I'd go to Porky's.

I wouldn't go to Roadhouse. That spans several generations. You just skipped over a whole bunch of people. Anyway, it's a fucking redneck bar that has two bars. It's kind of like Porky's or Roadhouse. Anyway, go ahead. Yeah, they're both the same thing. The point is they put you up.

They had a cinder block room, like this room where they put up like a band house at Coots. Like a 20 by 20. Which we go into great detail on the band houses at Coots. But this is a cinder block room attached to the bar where it's just white cinder block and I was watching a marathon during

a Saturday before Saturday show of just me in this fluorescent lit beige white-ish cinder block room square and I'm watching it was not that it was this is Beige, whitish, cinder block room square. And I'm watching.

It was not that. This is fucking 10 years ago. But one of those prison A&E documentary. And I realized every scene I'm watching of them in their cell talking about their lives Looks exactly like if you're a camouflage guy on a camouflage wall and moved. Every time, I'm watching the exact same room on my TV in the room that I'm sitting in for 12 hours until showtime. And the only time you could leave, there was a Waffle House if you wanted to walk down,

not a highway, but a... Let's call it Main Street. A fucking road with high-speed traffic and no sidewalk. Yeah. That kind of thing. Yeah. A four-lane or whatever. Yeah.

I remember that. So I know what you're talking about. That's what I think. I live like a prisoner with fucking fantastic privileges. I just, I smoke weed. I do stay in the same room fucking sitting there doing absolutely nothing for 20 hours out of the day. But I can smoke weed and I can come over here once a fucking month. It ain't that bad.

And somebody asked me here one time, have you ever been in jail? And I fucking didn't know how to respond. I didn't want to be a dick, but then I decided I just am a dick anyway. We got to be honest. I've not been in fucking... Jail's for fucking dumb people. I've done things I deserve to be in prison for. I'm not fucking going to jail.

That's fucking... You look at every one of these fucking documentaries, they're in jail for a reason because they're fucking retarded. They don't know how to get away with shit. I remember Rogan when we were doing the man show. He's like,

fuck these people when they would shit can an idea or be dicks. The writers? No, not the writers. It's the fucking higher ups that would shit can. The suits. Oh, they won't do that. It's a fucking funny bit. I'll choke the

fucking guy out it was always about choking the guy out it's kind of a general refrain i'll choke the fucking guy out because he knows how to do that and at some point after he'd said it so many times i go uh rogan were we ever in a uh actual fight He goes, nah, fuck that. People are crazy. They'll fucking smash a beer bottle and fucking cut your eye out. So it's kind of a similar thing. When we did that podcast in the basement of the comedy store, Rogan and Brendan Walsh.

It was a swap cast. Yeah, yeah, that was so much fun. I don't remember very much of it, but I remember at one point going, am I the only person in this room who's been in a fight? But you've never been in prison, and he's never been in

a fight. That's why I'm saying the analogy kind of works. Ah, fuck that. I'm not dumb enough to get in a fight. People are fucking crazy. He gets in the ring, not dumb enough to get in a fight. People are fucking crazy. He gets in the ring. Yeah. But he doesn't get into a fight.

Yeah. Stupid. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm fucking retarded for sure. I'll fucking. Not retarded enough to be in jail. Well, but retarded enough to get into a physical altercation.

Just smart enough to get out before the cops come. That's not a fucking real claim to fucking not being retarded. My analogy works. Yours does. Mine was off. You're right. You're smart enough

to stay out of fucking jail. You're smart enough to stay out of getting his fucking eye cut out with a fucking Heineken bottle. Where jujitsu doesn't help. Which is why I think he would have jumped at the chance

to wrestle me on stage at the comedy store. Rarely does he get a chance to fight somebody who he knows he's gonna lose. He has to fight people who are better than him. Maybe it just wasn't good for the show.

Well, I was desperate. Also, I was high. Very high. Alright, I think this is the end. Before we wrap up the podcast. We're fucking recording this? Not as far as you know

no no no no we've been talking into mics for at least an hour because I actually looked at 9 o'clock now it's 10 o'clock so we're probably in an hour and 3 hour and 4

Jesus Christ really? yeah hour 2 I looked at my watch, though. Hour 220. Yeah. So you lose again. Usually I guess.

You lose again. This time I actually looked. That votes in my favor. That means most of this might not ever make it to fucking July today. This started with the Blue Apron. Blue Apron. This is technically the longest Blue Apron commercial in existence. No, this started because you were very chatty.

I was? Yeah, you were kind of aggressively chatty after the last podcast. I feel like you fucking took me in the wrong direction then. I took us in a great direction because we got another fucking hour out of it that we would have just burned talking to ourselves. You don't go wrong. If I was chatty,

I think you could have took me in a better direction than that. He's berating your ability to take him in your arms. You just carried the podcast with your one story alone that you wouldn't have ever thought of. I don't even remember anything I said other than the last 10 seconds, which I thought was funny. It happens every time,

but Greg Chaley can tell you the fucking story that you had. Listen, I'll never listen to this. Don't put me in this pot. I'll never listen to this. I'm as drunk as all you motherfuckers. In addition to never listening to this, I've deleted Twitter off my phone

so I don't have to fucking see all of the references that I don't understand that people tweet to me. I still have it on my iPad, so I still do look sometimes. Because I had Facebook and Twitter on my phone, and every time you take a shit... I have irritable bowel syndrome. I take a shit a lot.

Every time you try to have a single moment, you're looking and like, what is... I just want to say that I know you're okay when I see your tweets. Yes. Well, and that's the thing I was going to say, too. Yeah, that's the thing is I was going to say too is that, yeah, that's a... To be... Barometer.

We're doing a fucking honest fucking talk on the fucking podcast too. I do... I like that fucking there's... You know, I like to get attention back from folks

on fucking Twitter. You like the feedback. I like the feedback. I like to hear... Attention sounds weird. Well, okay, not attention. That's not you. People sometimes will message me that have mental fucking problems I like to hear tension sounds well okay not attention that's not you people sometimes

will message me that have mental fucking problems and they say that they can relate to me I like that that's I guess

what I mean so that sort of thing I think it's cool way back in the beginning of when we started podcasting

Stan Hope when I didn't want to because Stan Hope said we podcast and I said no, and he said other people will relate to the things that you have to say. Without a doubt, they do. And that has been fucking undoubtedly my experience since then.

So, I mean, it's fun. Absolutely. As a fucking nihilist, I try not to fucking care too much, I guess. Recognize the obvious. I, looking at Twitter, am constantly reaffirming, hey, he's cool. And they know that. But at the same time, hey, it was him.

The best Tom Konopka tweet I saw was, hey, Tom Konopka, you're way too positive to be honest. I know. Get out of there. It was eight days. It's coming from inside the house. Yeah, exactly. Knopka actually helped me delete Twitter from my phone

because before, it would be all right, but if Stanhope would say something or if there would be a fucking podcast, then all of a sudden my Twitter would blow up like crazy. And then now my Twitter just blows up like crazy because knopf is just talking to people and i'm included in the conversation so it just goes fucking like i try to erase i'm like hey i'm fucking i'm fucking good yeah but i like talking to people that fucking relate to this stuff i really really do. It's just cool.

Most of the time I don't like talking to anybody, so sorry if I don't fucking respond back to people. Because a lot of times... Well, there's a lot of pressure. I've been writing a lot about this kind of shit. But, yeah, there's a lot of pressure. But I do read... Hey, I have folders.

Cool fan mail where someone writes this whole how much I or we have helped them through shit. I can't understand. I'll never be able to understand the shit you went through, but I appreciate that you pump me up to fucking uh i i owe you something i i should work more i need to so sometimes you forward those emails to me and and i do like i said i fucking it helps me a lot too and at the same time but i don't i don't fucking we're not nearly as fucked as a lot of the people that listen to us.

It feels disingenuine because I don't know you, so if you fucking shot yourself, I really wouldn't give a fuck. But if you fucking say who you are to me and I have these problems too, I do kind of like, okay, I hope that you're fucking good too. If you have people to live for, I have people to live for. Let's fucking try to live for fucking whatever reason we can find.

It's an odd thing. It's a drunk motherfucking podcast. That's what we started it as. Don't put this out. I orchestrated a drug podcast because you know what? Now you fucking banged two out in a night. It was brilliant. You can take a fucking few days off. I'm frustrated at a drug podcast because, you know what? Now you fucking banged two out in a night. Yeah.

It was brilliant. You can take a fucking few days off. I want to hold you personally responsible for the depression I feel tomorrow. For all the horrible honesty I revealed. Your wife isn't even here to pick you up. I've got a Tupperware. We would have the same conversation off mic. I know.

Waiting for your wife to pick you up. Agreed. I told you to stay the night. You go, no, Jenny's coming. Well, you know what? She's not here yet. And we just fucking burned an hour and seven minutes having the exact same conversation.

And you know what? In just general conversation off mic, we always mention blueapron.com backslash Stanhope. Yes. The first three mails are free. And is that free shipping?

Of course. We do have free shipping. Blue Apron. We're not on the air, are we? A different way of cooking. It is a different way of cooking. Listen, I'm not fucking selling out until I have a fucking running vehicle. I'm a fucking...

It's on my notes! It's on my notes! I'm not selling out. You're one out of the three. I'm not selling out. It's already covered. It's already covered. It's done.

I still have to give away a lot more money. It's done. That's it. Kanopka. Two podcasts. We haven't asked Tom for a Vegas story, which everyone loves. Good. They'll bitch about.

But I wanted to mention that he's been on two podcasts where he, if you haven't noticed, he's perfect at carrying the conversation. Perfect. We just, he'll throw in yes no absolutely this is how good tom is uh we were we when we went we already talked about the fucking we did that what did we not do that yeah right the bird walk no we did that. But now, anytime Tracy are going to entertain or go anywhere, it's like, we're going to go downtown. Is Tom available? I hope he's available to go because we want to go do something.

And he's interested. Tom is interested in stuff to the point that that's why I feel bad about not being around here. I like being around Tom because he makes me kind of want to be interested in stuff. Tom, it makes me feel like shit for not being interested in anything but myself. Well, it's the same thing. Yeah, it's the same thing. He reminded me of when we first moved here and Bingo and I would just drive around and look at every single neighborhood

or walk around the neighborhood at night just to look at every single house, find every side street. Father Luke. And I used to do a bit in my act about how I like to work with new comics, like really young comics, because everything that you're doing

is magnificent to them. Like, oh, I can't believe I'm doing cocaine off a fucking toilet tank. Toilet tank. Someone bought me a drink. A fucking old lady wants to fuck me and i said it's the same way that you have children because you don't want to watch animal house again but you want to watch your kid watch animal house for the first time yeah that's why i like new comics yeah and uh yeah tom even though he's my elder and my senior he has that same attitude of

he's fucking excited about shit i'm bored with so yeah i like to show him fucking shit i haven't had time eventually it's a good thing we'll have time look if I took you three guys to fucking Vegas, it would be the exact flip. I almost booked this trip. Vegas is too easy for you. That's too easy. But I would love it. Wait, hold on.

I like Vegas. I used to hate Vegas, but I've been there three times. But you'd be excited, but I wouldn't be excited. But Tom, Tom, that's what it is. You'd be excited that we're excited. No, I would be excited that you're excited. You could show me where I used to live that I don't even remember. But Tom, Tom. You'd be excited that we're excited. No, I would be excited that you're excited. You could show me where I used to live that I don't even remember.

No, no, no, exactly. I'd be excited. You're living vicariously through the clouds. Tom, you could show Doug. If you went to the bird watching. If you went bird watching at San Pedro, Doug would just watch you the whole time and giggle and fucking go, are you fucking kidding me?

He would watch you like I watched you. No. To be specific, because this would be in the morning, I would watch you watch him. There you go. As long as in the morning, I don't want to fucking talk to anybody. I'd have Tracy in the back of the Suburban, like, making you eggs.

No, I can do the walk. Wait, as long as it's the duck eggs in the moose fat, my friend. Duck eggs in the moose fat. Never even covered that. It's fucking great. Tom is amazing to watch. And I'm not, don't get this wrong, because when I talk to doug about it

it's like we're we're we're talking about a guy who we both respect we revere you at the same time i'm watching you with the gals at the birdwalk i'm like motherfucker if doug could just see this like the way you work the crowd and it doesn't matter the crowd he walks in we've already gone over this on the podcast no we haven't Tom would know I have no idea what the fuck you guys are talking about with reckless abandon

at any kind of open mic or any kind of triple gig he will walk in and just fucking own the room I love that yes you're welcome anywhere I go will walk in and just fucking own the room. I love that. Yes. You're welcome anywhere I go. We make all these plans for Tom behind his back

when we're drinking. Tom, we're going to run you for mayor. Is that good? No. I don't want to do that. Tom, you should get a real estate license because we're always trying to buy property. And if you had a real estate license,

you'd say, no, that's a piece of shit. You're drunk. Go to bed. Don't buy that house. Call it a nightstand. I'm getting set up here. We all get drunk and have plans for what Tom should do. Does anybody ever get drunk and try to get Tom laid?

Hey, he's over at Tom's business. I got the pictures. I got the pictures. Alright, well, let's just fucking, we're going to kill this so we can talk off mic. I'm

crying, Uncle. Fuck, I've got to write a goddamn book i was gonna finish tonight but i'll not finish the book but i was gonna keep writing after this but nah nah there's gonna be a chapter missing out of this book a missing chapter because i'm drunk and i was gonna write but i didn't tom kanopka doug stanhope chad shank doug stanhope greg chaley doug stanhope let's get a drink the shady dell.com that is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town I will have a beer with you

I won't hang out that long, we're not gonna be good friends, I don't want you to fucking tell me you're gonna kill yourself but if you're staying at theshadydell.com vintage trailer park with all 50's, 60's trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there.

Come to theshadydell.com. Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. You want to throw down some ads for future use in case we use them? Since we're drunk and all over-talking each other anyway, let's see if maybe one of these... I'm waiting for my drink.

Oh, wait. You good? Chad can use the refill over here. Chad's fucking drunk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Chip chop. Chad's fucking drunk. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Chip chop. Don't worry.

She knows to short pour you now to make up for hard pouring you earlier. Short pour or hard pour? That's weird. Short pour or hard pour. Abadil.com. Abadil. Hey, Abadil.com. You can get a book.

Do we have an Audible read? No. I have on my website on acx.com. Chad Shank somewhere. Chad, no one knows what ACX is. That's a website, acx.com. ACX is a fucking... You don't even know that website Everything is a website, Shelly

If you put.com after it You don't have to fucking know it You just have to know how to write.com Alright, but is this a Is this a read? What were we talking about? You were talking about it No, we're supposed to be doing a...

What's the ad? AXS? AXS. But is that the read? No, there's no read. What's that? There's nothing. Chad just started talking about something.

Don't blame it on me. I have to. I don't do shit. Haley doesn't. Oh, ACX. That's where I fucking record audio books. That's where I want to record audio books someday at ACX.

It's a fucking plug. But not right now. I don't know how to do it. I'm still learning. Maybe we have to coax people into it. Are we going to coax people into it? Hang on. I can do sober breeds. people into it. ACX.com. Are we going to hook people into it? Let me see. Hang on.

I can do sober breeds. AXS.com. Hear all Chad Shank. And his golden voice is probably fucking caused

by a tumor. Yeah. I hope so. That caused by a tumor. Yeah. I hope so. That's not a thing. I'm fucking doing the read, dude. It's not a thing. Look. Fuck. It's not a thing. It's not a tumor.

Fuck. Do Chiltepin. Do Teosetes. Fuck you. I'll drink some. Hang on, people. Well, fucking... I'll... Fuck you. I'll drink some... Hang on, people. Listen to me. I'm going to drink Teosetes.

It's hot pepper water. Hot pepper water? Wait. That's... How hot is it? Don't you mean Chiltepin? Chpiltepin is a fucking thing. Fucking Chpiltepin.

I'm looking at the Chiltepine swirling in the jar as he's swigging it. All right. Now, you say... Yeah, Doug, pour a shot. Pour a shot. I'm fucking segwaying, Chad. Okay, go on.

So I'm going to say that you had a... Chiltepine. Chiltepine. Shut up! I said Chad probably has a tumor that makes his voice so fucking glamorous.

So, Chad, you say, I'm going to drink some Chapultepein or water or however you pronounce it. I'm going to drink some Chapultepein water or however you pronounce it. Here we go. Ugh. And now talking a high-pitched voice and saying, cured by tumor. Like the comical high-pitched voice. You don't have to explain.

Cured my tumor right now. It made him an old black woman. I don't know how else to do high voice. We're just passing that around? I'll do a shot of Chilipine water who wouldn't do a shot of Chilipine water that'll sober you up

Tom did my shot too I had cayenne on everything aqua Chilipine Chilipine chili water. It'll sober the fuck out of you. I'm going to try to read the bottle like a commercial. Drink it straight. Cook with it.

Use it as a mixer. The original fiery elixir. Tio Setti. Aqua Chiltepine. Yeah. Go ahead. It's perfect for a Bloody Mary. It really is.

It gets stuck in your motherfucking mustache too. Woo! Wait 30 seconds. It's got afterburners. I'm not drinking that. He's not drinking it after me because he's afraid afterburners. Yeah, it's pretty good. I'm not drinking that. Hey, Chaley. It's actually Chaley. He's afraid of my mustache.

You're the straight man in this drunken podcast. You should be telling people how they can find Aguaciltopine on the intermine... Intermine. God, that makes me want a fucking Bloody Mary right now. No shit. It does. It makes me want more of that if there was alcohol in it. And...

Why isn't there? Tums. It does. It makes me want more of that if there was alcohol in it. And, uh... Why is it there? Uh, Tums. And Tums. It makes me want a Bloody Mary and Tums. Yeah, it's a Tummy Mary. I think every bottle comes with a Rolaids pack. Yeah, duct tape to the side.

Rolaids, Tums, who the fuck are we supporting here? Hey, there's a drunk commercial. You're going to drink that whole shot? We didn't drink a whole shot, man. We just drank a little drink. You guys are pussies. Shaylee, God. Show us how manly you are.

This is made right here in Bisbee with our friends at Agua Chiltepin. Betty. Just Google search Betty. Also, they passed the test to be available at Whole Foods. Well, they are in Whole Foods. It's great. The point is, Google search Betty. That's a good afternoon.

Put Betty in a Google search and then say, how do I get your Ogwood Chilled Pultepeat? So people should just Google Betty and that will show up? Don't do that. That's not going to fucking work. I'm going to read the back of the thing. Yes. It says, the fiery pea-sized chelatopene makes this unique elixir truly special.

This, oh, fuck, not this. The chelatopene. Oh, fuck, not this. You're supposed to edit that part out. The wild harvested plant grows on arid, rocky slopes in the U.S. Southwest and northern Mexico, and is thought to be an ancestral plant to all chili peppers. The short burst of fiery heat followed by wonderful flavor characterized this delightful pepper.

Ending with a short burst of fiery heat. Oh, honey, honey, get the Charmin. Tell us about your grilled cheese last night. Sting ring is listed as a side effect. Fucking sting ring. In addition, each berry contains a long list of antioxidants, vitamins, amino acids, and minerals. I'm done.

Shady's farting during that commercial. Unbelievable. The distaste of that guy. What can he say? Who else is drinking Chimpanzee? We did. You're on it, Shady. We passed the bottle like hobos. You're a germ chair. Last one. We passed the bottle like hobos. You're a fucking germaphobe.

Edit that out. Chiltepin. It's good. There's some solid matter, but it shouldn't matter. But there won't be in your poop. Chiltepin. Chiltepin. Hey, we never mentioned the brand. T.O. Spain. Tilt-a-pain. Hey, we never

mentioned the brand. T.O. Setties. I mentioned that. T.O. Setties.

Did you say it? All right, good. T.O. is a word for uncle in a

dead language. The Mayans are the fucking Spanish. Not necessarily to explain. Wow, that's

fucking hot. I told you. 30 seconds later. All right, I not necessary to explain. Wow, that's fucking hot. I told you. 30 seconds later, it gives you another shot. You got me. To be fair, we all took a small swig out of the bottle. I took a pretty good swig. Shady took an actual shot. Look, look what's...

No, I... Yeah. Gio Setti. I'm done. Setti is... I'm drinking again. Here you go. The short for Setti. The.O. Setti. I'm done. Setti is... I'm drinking again. Here you go. The short for Cedric.

The solid matter. It's short for Cedric. Oh, my butthole's going to hurt later. T.O. Setti. Yes. Yeah, with the pulp. I never understood that. My butthole's going to hurt later.

My butthole hurts all the time. Well, that's your problem. Does your butthole not hurt worse if later. My butthole hurts all the time. Well, that's your problem. Does your butthole not hurt worse if you eat hot things? Temporarily. Wow. It doesn't really hurt all the time. I was trying to go for an easy butthole joke. I didn't have one.

I thought you always had an easy butthole joke. Well, they are easy. That's why I tried to go for something true. Wow. You know, that's how I make my living is I'll tell you the true story about my butthole, but I didn't have one. I was telling you that disability has made me file that fucking paperwork that makes me describe in detail

how horrible I am. Yeah. Instead of once a year, I'm doing this appeal. They took away my disability, so I'm trying to appeal it. They've now made me do it three or four times and that was one of the things I told you I just got mad

and just started writing in fucking aggressive shit that was one of the things I had wrote about I have irritable bowel syndrome how do your diet affect you they ask you detailed questions I don't have a controlled diet and I have irritable bowel syndrome How do your diet affect you? They ask you detailed questions.

I don't have a controlled diet, and I have irritable bowel syndrome, and I shit seven times a day, and it always hurts. I was fucking just horribly graphic. Sometimes I find worms, and I eat the worms. Well, I always look for the worms, whether I find them or not. I think the worms are causing my irritable bowel syndrome because I eat them out of my own loose feces with chopsticks.

Maybe it's the chopsticks that are causing it. Can I call someone? Sorry. They've been romming around your collar. Don't worry. I'll call and let's see. What's the rule we have where you can fucking delete stuff?

I'm calling that rule on this. It's already been called. Most of this podcast. My fucking throat is on fire right now. Kill the switch. My throat is on fire. Kill the switch. We done?

Yeah. All right. Night, everybody. Pass me the lampshade I'm drunk again blew my drug money on a quarter gin well I am a cultured man

with tastes discriminating but I'll settle for a tall glass of anything. Fell in love with love and death and darkness. If I'm a bad drunk, well, it's not for lack of practice. There is no, this is no modern romance. Cause I'm going home in a fucking ambulance. Well, am I the only one drinking tonight

The only one drinking tonight Spring break gone broke It's sprung Now I'm the only one Mirrored medicine cabinet door Like the hatch of a submarine Bottles inside like buttons and dials and tiny backlit screens bloody footprints on the bathroom floor

in a hotel close to the airport well am I the only one drinking tonight the only one drinking tonight despair is an octopus with its head in New Hampshire

and tentacles everywhere Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight Am I the only one drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight