The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #194: Super Bowl Weekend Clusterfuck Podcast pt.01 - Gabe Lindstrom

Episode Date: February 8, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Doug finally gets former NFL Punter prospect Gabe Lindstrom on the podcast to give his version of the story from Ep. 09.Recorded Feb. 03, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Gabe Lindstrom, Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Brett Erickson (@iBrettmypants), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Your Stupid Dreams", by Mishka Shubaly. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Is that red button? Okay, the red button is on. Red button. Blinking? Never got a red button. It is not blinking. Hey, this is, it's probably part one of, I'm guessing, three parts of the Super Bowl weekend clusterfuck podcast.

Right now, all right, this is what's happening. It's Friday of Super Bowl weekend. Chaley's here. Chad Shank's here. Brett Erickson here. Tom Konopka's happening. It's Friday of Super Bowl weekend. Chaley's here. Chad Shank's here. Brett Erickson here. Tom Konopka's here. Coming on as a guest. We'll squeeze you in up front.

Don't worry. We'll bullshit for a while. Well, you're sipping out of an empty... Gabe Lindstrom is here and we will have more guests. I need Tom to check his mic. I'm not getting a level.

Hello? Something's up. Something's up. He had one job. All he had is one job. Brian Hennigan absent from Super Bowl weekend. Where are we at? We're good.

We're good, brother. Good. Thank you. Yeah, Hennigan, he didn't, he had a, this is the weird thing. Hennigan had a good friend pass away. No, that's sad. Good friend pass away. No, that's sad.

Which, the idea of Hennigan having a good friend. A friend. A friend. Any friend. That's not right. Oh, Jesus. Gabe, he can shit talk Hennigan now. Hennigan's fucking out of the picture.

My God, that was... Ah, fuck. We'll get to that. Remind me about that. Does someone know what they're supposed to remind you? Yeah. Oh, is it Gabe? Gabe will remember Hennigan. Hennigan's...

He was trying to make a documentary about Gabe. Oh, fuck. They're coming, too. The documentary people are on their way. No, they're coming tonight. But you're doing the thing tomorrow. Dog's barking. That's either Morgan Murphy, Christine Levine, the warlock, or the documentary crew.

Yay! All right. Morgan walks through the front door. You're a great person. Yes. What timing. What comedy is timing. All right.

What do you want to do? Timing. We're going to take a quick break right now. Three minutes into the podcast, we're going to take a quick break. We'll be right back. Hello, children. James Christ, Mr. Hennigan. You're my manager.

I have to make a Valentine's Day dinner for my wife, Bingo Bingaman. I have to make a Valentine's Day dinner for my wife, Bingo Bingaman. She might be half retarded, but she knows good food when she tastes it. I don't know how to cook. What do I do? What do you do? You go to fucking Blue Apron. It's fucking easy.

They're the number one fresh ingredient people on the fucking internet in America. You can get the fucking whole meal sent to you, and all you have to do is fucking flub it together. Do I have to read to do it? No, a fucking retard can do it. It's fucking easy. Anyone can do it. All of your fans can do it. That's how fucking simple it is.

I have fans? You have many fans, all of whom are listening right now. So they should fucking get as many fucking meals as they possibly can from Blue Apron so we can give up on this dying comedy business.

But what if they don't like it or can't read the recipe? It is inconceivable that they will not like it because it's all so delicious. They have things like, I don't know, fillet of tilapia with chervil scented. I said chervil scented, not chervil flavored couscous. They have all of that sort of shit and it just gets shoved through your letterbox and you just stick it in something and make it hot this sounds like a great bargain because a lot of

my fans girlfriends would think couscous is something exotic well obviously a lot of your fan base don't have girlfriends they're kind of in need of girlfriends so that's what's even better about this is they can use it to lure people often females to their house with the couscous right and then they have an enjoyable meal and then things happen if i had a nickel for every time i picked up a female hitchhiker and said hey i have couscous in the back of the van i would have enough money to buy couscous. The entire Blue Apron Empire is founded on the domination of couscous

in the sexual domain. And now they're bringing it to all of America. And the first three meals are free. Free? Well, that's not going to lure girls into my van, but I never really had couscous to begin with.

This Blue Apron, is it available in the Yellow Pages? No. You can only buy it on fucking line. On fucking line using the internet. You go on the internet, Blue Apron, look it up on Google. It's probably blueapron.com. And you select all the fucking posh, totty food that you want and they just ming it to you using some sort of delivery format

like FedEx or UPS. But wait, don't they have to use the backslash Stanhope to get this? Abso-fucking-lutely! How dare you not realize I'd already said that? Yes! No, you didn't say it. I know what you said. I fucking wanted to, though.

You said you'd give me candy if I signed you on as a manager and you'd always remember to be branding. You go to blueapron.com backslash Stanhope and we get 10% of every meal that's delivered

10% of the couscous 10% of the couscous 10% of the rhubarb pudding you're not lying to me like you did about that HBO special and my own NBC sitcom like you promised when I signed with you 12 years ago.

You're not lying this time. No, this is not a lie. Only one question. Is there any furikake? Listen, it's offensive to women to furikake on your face. That's why we went with couscous in your bottom. Sweet. And cock-a-leeky soup.

Cock-a-leeky, jump a little lighter. Cock-a-leeky. Now, you only get the cock-a-leeky on week two because if you had the cock-a-leeky on week one offer, Blue Apron would be inundated with coquelicke fans. Brian, what is the effect on the environment? Yes. He can cut that out.

So to get this ship to my house, I will have to use the Pony Express or have a friend drive from New Jersey? No, you fucking idiot. You check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com

slash Stan Hope. I don't know why you have to yell at me. Well, you know what? Because you love how good it will taste and I'm excited for you. That's blueapron.com slash Stan Hope. I don't have to wear an apron, do I?

No, but it would make you feel better as a person. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Better than drive-thru? Driving-thru isn't cooking. Driving-thru is driving, so they probably would be a better way to drive. I was closing on that.

Alright. Alright. He is a sweetheart, man. Driving through is driving, so therefore it would be a better way to drive. I was closing on that. All right. All right. He is a sweetheart, man. All right, we're rolling. He was cool enough to buy a ticket to the End of the World podcast instead of trying to be. Because I probably would have comped him in. Marty Shelders? Oh, yeah.

I would have comped him in, but he didn't even ask. He bought a ticket immediately. Don't ever say that. How is it that you think you can comp someone in to? I would have snuck him in. Okay, that's different. Snuck him in but he didn't even ask he bought a ticket immediately how how would ever say that how is it that you think you can comp someone into i would have snuck a man okay that's different different all right hey we're rolling i tell them i'm comping them in and then i sneak them in he has a walk beside me so the doorman doesn't see him yeah carry this mic you can only sneak in people smaller than me he's with the band it's a lot of people. Speaking of the End of the World podcast, sorry, the whole thing,

sorry about that break, but a bunch of people showed up and more people will show up and then people will leave and they'll come back in. But it's an all-star cast. And, yeah, End of the World. We did finally,

actually, I have not given my... We said we were going to give the proceeds of the door for the End of the World podcast to charity. So Bill Burr said, fuck it, just give mine to St. Jude's. They're the only one I know that's reputable. Okay, hold on. We just discussed this whole thing in the last podcast.

Oh, did we? The one that Chad can't remember doing and apparently you don't remember. Yeah, all right. And where's the board? A third and a third and a third. Yeah, we'll get to that. It didn't seem familiar to me, so I was good. You got good news coming, Chad.

Yeah. Some of them went to St. Jude. Yeah. And then. Yeah, I paid for the death of a child that was your but there's abortion credit on yours you were talking about alright then if I've already talked about it

what haven't I talked about I'm reminding you I'm saying then what do you got what do you got I'd prefer if we didn't recap the last podcast if it's all the same with you guys. I remember having fun.

It's been a busy pole dancing. I'm only hoping that I cried off the podcast at the end of the night, not on the podcast at this point. That's one little hope I have. We were all crying. A fucking meltdown. You were in a good company, brother.

But I shouldn't have been here at that shaley and i both cried at lily tomlin on the sag awards oh what a sweetheart you know you get to a point when so many days in a row and you know the fucking stress of the book whatever you get to a point where your emotions are depleted, and you cry at Lily Tomlin. And it wasn't until the next day we realized we misheard what she said. So we cried for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe there's something going on in our lives. It's called being a cuck. Oh. That's a new kind of thing. The cuckold is the new kind of... Cuck's a new kind of thing. The cuckold is the new kind of... Cuck's the new fag. So I guess I'm an old fag.

And that made me cry. I was a cuck before it was popular with the kids. Chad Shank's in a good mood again? Or are you pretending? Are you faking it? I'm on the upswing of the mental illness now. This is where I'm like Donald Trump.

I have confidence that I don't really deserve and all the horrible shit that I did wrong in my past that usually drags me down. It's like, fuck all that. You've got to let it go. I don't necessarily feel better about myself. I just feel that everybody else is as useless as I am. Nice.

I'm like amongst the company. He's banning all the bad feelings from entering. No, I don't get to do it on purpose. It just happens. I'll wait. After this, I'll get fucking manic. Yeah, it's organic. It's a weird fucking cycle.

Welcome. Tom Konopka made some blue apron. Is this a read? Do we have a read? Are we getting paid for this? Yeah, we can do this. Or do we say the truth? The lentils were bland.

There were no lentils. There was no lentils. Oh, wait, that was yours. Oh, Chaley did that. All right, there was some bland lentils. Hey, I can't fucking, I have to be somewhat honest. Yeah. Well, that's the beauty of it.

You can add or subtract any of those spices and ingredients. But do they give you salt? I have to be somewhat honest. Well, that's the beauty of it. You can add or subtract any of those spices and ingredients. But do they give you salt? No, they don't give you salt. They don't give you pepper. And they don't give you olive oil. Everything else. And they don't ship to sub-Saharan Africa where people actually don't have salt and pepper. What'd you make today, Tom?

Because I want to get to Gabe. Yeah, I want to get right to it. West African peanut chicken, and here's Gabe. Gabe, get the hell up here. Yeah. It's actually great. What was it? It was sautéed kale and rice.

I'm actually reading it. I bailed on that. I've tried everything you guys have made except this because of the coconut. No, you're not. It's coconut milk. You wouldn't even know. Yeah, bullshit. That's the other thing.

Coconut water is the new cuck. Coconut water. It hydrates you. Yeah, so does water, and it doesn't taste like coconut. Fuck you. You know how they make coconut water? How? Water.

Whoa. That was also in the lentils was the light coconut milk. I didn't have it. Yeah. Rave reviews from what I'm hearing. Oh, I'll get eight this week. So we'll do a – You know what?

We'll get back to a blue apron read. Yeah. But that was the meal. We just got three more meals the other day and we're just going to cook them all weekend. Super Bowl weekend. Absolutely. We're getting rid of everything this Super Bowl weekend. This is fucking Bacchanal

and Caesars. This football season, everyone has brought food to the point where look under there, Cedric, look under that table. That's just spare giant tubs of Doritos and shit that no one ever got to. The soup kitchen.

Yeah, bring your hungry and your homeless. And your wheelbarrows. It's all in illegal plastic bags. I hope they don't raid this place. We do have the to-go containers this year. So everyone leaves with the to-go containers this year so everyone leaves with the to-go containers does have oh cedric when we'll fill you in the squares becker changed the whole schematics we're doing five dollars squares and we're doing twenty dollars squares but becker

and at first i fought it just because we always do it our own way. What we do is we change the numbers every quarter. So if you get stuck with a five and an eight, that's for a quarter. And then at the end of the quarter, you change all the numbers. Fucking brilliant. That's that Matt Becker. He'll be on later on along with Morgan Murphy and Christine Levine,

or that might be other podcasts. As long as he's not picking the cards, he can fix the squares. later on, along with Morgan Murphy and Christine Levine. That might be other podcasts. As long as he's not picking the cards, he can fix the squares whenever he wants to. Another Ace of Spades. Where did that come from? Do I need to get them over to the Airbnb?

No, they're fine for now. Who wants to duck out for Gabe? Give up a mic. No, no, no. No, you're fine for now. Who wants to duck out for Gabe? Give up a mic. No, no, no. Chad. No, you're kind of a co-host. Not you, Chad. I know you always want to.

Gabe, over here. Goofus. Goofus always wants to bail out on the podcast. Gallant. Erickson. Can I sit down? You can do whatever you want, big guy. All right.

Erickson is in the Chaley seat. All right. We have Gabe Lindstrom. The great Gabe Lindstrom. The renowned Gabe Lindstrom. Absolutely. The honorable. Oh, and our councilman.

I forgot that. You're now our city councilman. Emeritus. Good to be here. Not in our district, so we don't have to thanks for having me suck your douglas i'm just saying he's nice fucking ward three fuck that guy is that the word i never know the number it was ward or word so for you that uh those who have listened to every single podcast and remember them you're creepy but

gabe's mom betty who was also in the book that's uh helped uh with when my mother was uh dying was nurse betty before that she was mayor betty when she ran for mayor and uh you're her offspring but you uh offspring which is ironic because i'm actually a nurse practitioner so and a councilman which is closer to mayor than she ever got whoa oh geez i uh when we were uh it's a convoluted story but for a minute when bingo got out of the hospital came back home she had to go to Sierra Vista to get her speech therapy because it was on home care, but they wouldn't come to Bisbee. But if you know someone in Sierra Vista, so we went to your brother's house in Sierra Vista.

Your brother is the county attorney. What a family. Prosecutor, isn't he? He's a prosecutor, isn't he? He's a prosecutor now. Yeah. He's a county prosecutor. You don't even fucking know.

We don't know what he does. Gabe, this is the great story about when Gabe just got elected to city council, they were taking a vote on something, and everyone went, I, I, I, and it got to Gabe, and he went, here. And he wasn't kidding. I wasn't kidding. I thought they were calling roll. I didn't want to say I, so I made a point to say here.

Who can argue that? Listen, they always do roll right after the pledge. Who can blame Gabe? There's nothing more embarrassing than watching City Council. These are grown old people and they stand up and do the Pledge of Allegiance.

I was kidding, do they? They do. It's fucking embarrassing. I had a hard time the first time. Of course, Kaepernick came to my mind. I thought about it yeah take a knee i pledge allegiance to do you do the fucking boy scouts what's the honor everything in the council is like serving basically a high school government do you know are you it's all the same

oh it's just older people crazy we were you you missed last night because you're not that civically involved it was the city they had a special meeting of the uh it's not planning and zoning it was the other one my mom acts as my secretary your mom acts as your secretary she gets my emails and why didn't she why didn't she tell me there was something happening last night? What happened last night? It was about the fucking... Alright, this is so off topic for the listener. But the trailer, these two assholes are bitching

about the fucking beautiful yellow trailer over there. The Blue Moon Bungalows. I'll give them a plug. Airbnb. If you want to stay close to me and look over my fence awkwardly, hoping I invite you in, stay at the Blue Moon Bungalows, I'll give them a plug, Airbnb. If you want to stay close to me and look over my fence awkwardly, hoping I invite you in, stay at the Blue Moon Bungalows on Airbnb in the Warren District of Bisbee. Let's just get to the story, and then we'll go from there.

Wait, this is not the story? Gabe's mom, Mayor Betty Nurse Betty, was on an early podcast where she told this story, the legendary story in Bisbee, of why Gabe doesn't have a Super Bowl ring. And it was a fantastic story. It still is. But Gabe. I listened to that podcast and cringed because I can't even think of the details now, but I just remember hearing it. And if you know my mom, of course, everything's a little bit.

We call it Betty's world. So Betty's in Betty's world. It's not really reality. So I heard the story and it was wrong. Just fucked up every detail. I had to ask her. This is not true. I heard it and I said, one of these days,

this is a long time ago, I said, one of these days I'll come and rectify the story. Set the record straight tonight, sir. So that's why I figured Super Bowl Sunday, Patriots are in the Super Bowl, you know, perfect timing. Perfect timing. It is perfect. So, you were a punter. I were a punter i was a punter

always a punter yeah but but i'm gonna start to get to even training camp in the nfl from bisbee because this is where you started in the town of 5 000 people like were you a punter is never a star well okay but you had to be in this town you had to be ready to start from the beginning yeah yes how much time do we have all you all you need okay football was invented by george hellis back in the day so i was in high school in the 90s. So 91, I think, was my freshman year. I don't remember. I graduated in like 94.

Please mumble as much as you can. Is it not clear? He keeps adjusting my mic. I think we're just louder than you. So I was a quarterback. That's what I always want to do is be a quarterback. That's a huge demotion. A lot of punters are ex-quarterbacks that didn't make it as a quarterback.

Yeah. But some of them did. Tom Tupa, you remember him? Yes. He was a quarterback punter. Sure. Danny White. Danny White.

He was a punter quarterback. So it kind of goes hand in hand. So I always wanted to be a quarterback. So from Bisbee, I had a punter quarterback. So it kind of goes hand in hand. So I always wanted to be a quarterback. So from Bisbee, you know, I had a pretty good year. But again, it's a town of 5,000 people and 2A school. Our team sucked. I think our senior year, we're like four and five. You know, we get mercy ruled.

And that's an Arizona thing. I don't know if that's anywhere else. Oh, yeah. Everyone knows mercy rule. Really? Yeah. It's a wiffle ball thing. It's every.

Yeah. Fuck this. If you're down by 40 in the fourth quarter, they call a game. We had a few of those. It's embarrassing. It's playing tennis against bingo rule. She said with love. So from there, you know, I was, again, I want to be a quarterback.

I got. Like, were you making the local paper? Oh, yeah. It's tons of them. Like, ask my mom. I'm saying in high school. She you making the local paper? Oh, yeah. It's tons of them. Ask my mom. I'm saying in high school. She has the book. She's got the pictures.

There's the book. There's the newspaper articles. I mean, again, it's all there. But as a quarterback? As a quarterback. All right. Never as a punter. All right.

It's incredible. I had an option from high school to go. Actually, I could have played basketball out of high school, and I didn't do it. I decided to walk on, which was a big mistake. Explain that. I don't know what a walk on is. I didn't get a scholarship out of high school,

so I decided to walk on to the University of Arizona. Wildcats! Yes! And as a walk-on, you're viewed as second class. I mean, I'd go to practice. Wow, that hasn't changed for you. I felt like I was going through the motions. They're looking at me like,

this guy thinks he has a chance, and let's humor him. So it didn't work out well. They even spelled my name wrong on my Jersey. I still have the Jersey. It's Lindstrom. That's definitely a key. That's a collective up here somewhere. It was the Arizona freedom bowl in 1995, five or, but it was the freedom bowl in San Diego. They stopped it.

I think after that year, this freedom bowl stopped. Wow. Yeah. I was Lindstrom. They stopped it, I think, after that year. The Freedom Bowl stopped. Wow. Yeah, I was Lindstrom. Lindstrom. From there, I decided to call some junior colleges, and Scottsdale Community College decided that they would take me, so I went there as a quarterback. Cool. Community college football exists?

Oh, wait, wait, get this. He's building. He's building. Okay, the Scottsdale Fighting Artichokes. Oh, yeah. Wait. There's more.

There's more. Fighting Artichokes. The official school colors, neon pink and neon green. Yes. But of course.

I think I have a house like that. And every game, we had a huge walking artichoke going up on the roof that's brilliant what

man that's the spirit of every family football game thinking green Kenny where's your artichoke outfit where's your artichoke outfit we're gonna get you one

bananas to artichokes alright is this story taking too long no fuck no so from there my first year I was there and I got beat out at quarterback. His name was Tim Rattay.

I don't remember him. No. Fuck him. Where did he go on to? He went to Louisiana Tech. He sent the NCAA passing record for the country. So he didn't make the NFL. No, he went to the NFL.

No. He got drafted by the 49ers. Wow. Oh, Tom Brady's season. Tom Brady's draft class. Oh, this is where we wind up. All right. he went to the he got drafted by the 49ers wow he was oh tom brady's season tom brady's um draft class oh this is where we wind up all right he was drafted i believe ahead of tom brady oops so so so how how did the artichokes do the pink and the green uh we weren't very good but i was just i didn't do anything i was just standing around i didn't do anything. I was just standing around. The entire time? Four years you stood around?

Okay, Doug, junior college is two years. I have a GED. We didn't have a team. You might have picked that one. You did. It probably would have been better than the artichokes. It was just the chokes. I set a GED record. All of them. So the next season next season Okay so I was the starting quarterback

And then the fourth game I broke my leg So I snapped my leg Where? I want to see it Is it Joe Theismann break? The fibula It wasn't compound Joe Theismann graphic footage? It was a non-surgical break.

So from there, I always knew I could punt. And then at a junior college, you have scouts coming through daily just to see who's there. And there's specific junior college scouts that come, mainly Arizona Californians. They're the biggest junior colleges in the country. So Toledo came, University of Toledo. And at the time, I had a-

Powerhouse. They were a Mac powerhouse. They really were. We beat Purdue. That's right. I had a cast on my leg, and they needed a punter, so they said they'd recruit me. Pretty much. Yeah.

That makes sense. I punted like two games. Yeah, I don't-'t okay you were a quarterback you broke your leg and decided oh i should kick now i realize how much this leg meant to me i've always neglected it for my own little detail i punted like three games but it was just like an afterthought you know it was like somebody needed a punt so i just did it and i never thought about it and i had a good average punting average so when i broke my leg i figured you know i was comparing myself at the time to like i was like this painting mannings were out

there i'm like there's no way so i said i can punt so um that's when toledo just gave me basically offered me a scholarship and then took it away the next week because they had Dave Zastadil. Do you know that guy's name? No. But how did they take away – He punted for 15 years in the league because he committed to Toledo after I committed, and they dropped me and said they were going to go with Zastadil. But they already gave you the scholarship. And then he changed his mind.

Ah. And then they called me back. The old dokey dog. So I had no other choice but northeast Louisiana. How many times have you tried that with a chick at a bar? Where you go, oh, I got way better options. And they leave. And then you go back to the girl.

And you go, I reconsidered it. So I'm the walk-on ugly chick. Yeah, hey. So you were the ugly chick. So now you went to the Toledo plantains. Yeah. Rockets. Most people know them for the mud hens.

Of course. Doesn't everyone. The Rockets. The Miner. You're right. That's right. So let's see. That was 95, 96.

That was 97. This is fucking great. So I had two years left, and I was the punter for Toledo. So this was senior college? It's two and two? That's what you want to call it. Senior college. Senior college. So you must have

been kicking ass? Senior college. I punted for two seasons there. It was okay. Average. Pretty good. Like 42 average, you know. Damn. 41. Not great.

So you were average in a school that no one ever heard of, yet still. I never heard of it. All right, so how do you get from that to NFL training camp? Therein lies the story. So after my senior year, I moved to Reno, Nevada, where the Pelfreys, if you're a punter, kicker, you kind of knew the Pelfreys at the time. Oh, I remember that name now because I was trying to. Yeah, all right, we'll get to that.

Pelfreys is older. Pelfrey is an old guy, just this old crotchety, well-versed in punting guy. That's what he does. He teaches punters how to punt and kick. They are to punting what the Zendejas were to field goal kicking. He's the wolf. He's the cleaner.

Took the words right out of my mouth. Thank you, Brett. They've kind of phased out since then. The son got to be a part of it. He had the mullet. So it kind of drove him in the ground a little bit. But at the time, they were the place to be. Every year they had a punting camp in Reno, which Doug actually.

We'll get there. Actually, you flew me out. You remember that? Doug actually flew me out. Just not Doug. So Doug really is a nice guy. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stories taking too long. Back to football. So I moved to Reno I moved there I had one of those apartments that combines a common kitchen have you seen those? they call them flop houses

in Reno it's a youth hostel where you have to share a kitchen with other people. Yeah, but you have your own little... It's a quad. It's a dorm. A dorm. A couch bed, basically.

It's like the prison in Iceland. Yeah, prison. Yeah, that's what it is. Prison in Iceland. So I live there. It's almost homeless. Yeah. I train there, and then every year they have a kicking combine for punters and kickers,

and then you kick kick and all the coaches come in and if they like you they sign you basically wow so I went there and the Dallas coach

was there his name was Steve Hoffman he's like the kicking special teams coach no he was the kicking specialist coach the man

so he's underneath the special teams coach how many coaches do they fucking have all he did was coach punters and kickers. How many coaches do they have on an NFL team? I don't know. You're making up titles of things I've never even heard of.

15 to 20. Most teams did not have that title. So anybody that is a kicker or punter will know who Steve Hoffman is. He's like. Most of our listeners. They're all Dougs, so they have no athletic ability, nothing. Whoa! Hey! But he's a nice guy.

He's a nice guy. He's a nice guy. Super soft. He's nice as fuck. I've seen Doug try to... We'll get to that. I know where you're going to we'll get to that okay i know where you're going so we're going to the nfl okay so steve hoffman used to go there every year he'd go to the

pelfrey's camp every year and he's you know he basically after the after the combine he worked with me a little bit he's like he said if we do not draft Hunter Smith, then we're going to take you as a free agent. So, of course, I was watching the draft very closely because he was out of Notre Dame and he was an All-American. He punted for probably 10 years in the league. His name was Hunter Smith.

He punted for 10 years at Notre Dame? That's a guy with bad grades. At the senior college. So he ended up going to the Colts. They drafted him in like the fourth round. So I signed with Dallas after my rookie season. Basically, he told me, we're not going to sign you. You're not going to make the team.

We want to see how you do. We have Toby Gowen, his name was. Now, when you get signed by Dallas, was there any part of your head that thought, like you were hoping for a city? Was there a place you didn't want to have to move to that you go, I don't want to get signed by them? I was coming from a shared kitchen in Reno.

So Oakland. Oh, fuck, Oakland. With alcoholics throwing up in the kitchen so anywhere was fine yeah um so yeah there was nothing like i don't want to go to buffalo kind of shit all right no you're just happy to be asked so you go and that was actually the best place to go because everybody knew who steve hoffman was because he you know he trained kickers and punters and he was the man except for my situation made him nfl players so you moved in with jr ewing who's that it's a show called dallas the whole thing was a dream yeah so you moved to dallas for pre for preseason, and they put us up in. Did you have high hopes where you bought a house right away?

Were you stupid? My roommate was Dat Nguyen. Do I remember him? No. But you're 0 for 11 on name drops. I got it. Dat Nguyen? I had Hopman.

You know Dat Nguyen? I had Hopman. I know Dat Phan, yeah. Dat Nguyen was the only Vietnamese football player in the NFL. Datwin was to football what Datfan was to football. I thought Datwin was what hit your face when you waved Datfan.

When Datfan ain't working. It was actually crazy because we spent a lot of time together and we went to his hometown in Rockport, right on the ocean. Wait, that's not in Vietnam. That guy lied to you. But they're all immigrants from Vietnam, and they're all crabbers. They did blue crab industries there, and they were all just tiny, skinny Vietnamese,

and he's this huge guy. He's like 5'11", 240 pounds. So he just, I don't know. He said it's because his mom didn't make him carry the crab crates growing up to shrink him. That's his story. This is as good as any reason. This is fucking great.

Dallas, I had four preseason games. It was a Hall of Fame game. I do have three Hall of Fame games to my name. Fucking dude. Incredible. I've got to take a break because they still fight for this idea. And I've tweeted the NFL and they have not got back to me. Have I already told this story, Chaley?

They should move. The Hall of Fame game is the first game of preseason in Fuckyville, Ohio, somewhere, wherever the hall of fame is and people are so starved for football that they will watch that for about 15 minutes that's about it and yeah preseason sucks it's never good there's nothing good about it move this stupid pro bowl that no one watches because it's the week before super bowl to the hall of fame game and that way everyone's going to watch it's all last year's biggest stars right including the super bowl players who don't play in the pro bowl it's a fucking brilliant idea i'm going to sue the nfl for not listening

to me yeah all right sorry i you're in the gabe i sorry. I had to get that plug out there to the world. That's right. You're in the Hall of Fame game, which means you're in... Cowboys-Browns. So they have home field advantage. I think I deserve the fucking applause. That's fucking incredible.

No, I've watched every Hall of Fame game for 15 minutes. Three or four preseason games. You know, very average. Nothing to write home about. I get cut, of course, which they told me I would. Who's on the team with you? This is what year? This is Aikman, Moose Johnson, Emmitt Smith.

Did they talk to you at all? Oh, yeah, they were awesome. Wow. Really? Oh, yeah. Because you never know. My locker was right next to Emmett Smith. It's this shit.

And you led with that Dat Fan, Dat Win story? You're at Emmett Smith next to him? He's pulling out Doc Brown. Go straight to Emmett Smith for God's sakes, guys. I have to pull names that people recognize out of you. Emmett Smith for God's sakes. Well, I would assume that training camp is the comedy equivalent of a guest set by a local.

Yeah. All right, some kid's going to do a thing, and you shake his hand in the green room, but you know he's going to suck, but he did a lot of flyering to promote the show. Flyering. But they were cool to you. Yeah, that's that.

Me again. I mean, just building up my confidence all the way through life. I'm saying, the big names were cool to you. Oh, yeah. I thought it was very weird.

We were walking one day and Troy Aiken was like, hey, Gabe. It was just a weird memory. You don't... Oh, I do know. I fucking do know. You should have said, I do know. I fucking do know. He knows who I am?

That would have been a baller move. What's up, Tom? What's up, dat? Okay, so I get cut. Explain this process. Because we've seen it in the movies where you get a note on your locker.

I knew I was being cut from day one i mean great vision board they said we want to see how you do for future years because they had their punter already it was set it was set in stone yeah the fix was done yeah i knew that going in i had no other options nobody else wanted me so so they they sit you down? Or they just go, you're cut? How's the firing process work? I want to know. We're going to miss you, Gabe. Basically,

there's a series of cuts. There's the first cuts, and there's later cuts. And the first cuts come out. But do they actually bring you into the office like the movie scene? Let you down easy. The thing about Steve Hoffman was, I mean, it was basically him, there was Toby Gowan, Richie Cunningham, you know that name?

Oh, yeah. Richie. These days. And Fonzie was there and Potsie. There was no other. Ralph Mouth. Ralph Mouth. Fucking Ralph Mouth.

There was three of us there with Steve Hoffman. So every day, it was just the four of us. So it wasn't like a call you in, sit down. It was just like, you know, first cut, you're gone. And then? He gave me a big bag of footballs and said, hey, keep working out. A bag of footballs? Like a parting gift?

A fucking bag of football. That's the at-home version. A fucking at-home version. You've won the at-home version of the NFL. The vibrating football field. The vibrating fucking... Oh, my God. All right, so now you say that you knew you were going to get cut. Where are you living?

Where was I living? You're in Dallas. I came back home. Did you already have plans to... I came back and I... You didn't sign a lease? No, I was a substitute teacher when I came back. This fucking guy does everything.

So you already had... Incredible. I was doing substitute teacher when I came back. This fucking guy does everything. So you already had... Incredible. I was doing substitute teachers for 60 bucks a day. Your vision board already had your mother's basement. Yeah, I was staying in Cedric's room. Cedric. Honestly, it was my room. So you came home.

Came home. And you get a job as a substitute teacher. Keep working out. Keep kicking. Obviously. For the hopes that Dallas was going to bring me back, and they didn't. Yeah.

They didn't like me, I guess. How many years does this go on? Is there a season where you go, I'm going to try out again? Yeah, well, from there, then I went to Carolina, and then they signed me to NFL Europe. So I went to NFL Europe training camp. How long did that last? What?

NFL Europe. It was like four years or something? Five years? It was the World League first. So Kurt Warner and... Right, I remember that. No, actually, San Antonio and all this used to have a team in the World League, right? San Antonio...

There was like USA teams that competed against Europe teams. Fucked if we did... Not on our radar. Does anybody have Google? I've heard things. It doesn't matter, but... There was like USA teams that competed against Europe teams. Fucked if we did. Not on our radar. It doesn't matter. So the next year you get sent to Europe? No. After that season I went to Carolina.

They signed me. They said, we're going to send you to Europe, see how you do. Anyways, I go to Europe. This was what? 2000. 2000 yeah and um i got cut from nfl europe wow that has to hurt yeah i started in america's good talent not everyone's but belgium's good talent go ahead Go ahead, Delazion.

Nobody else in this room has done any of that shit. I can tell you, please. No, you're telling the story. We make the jokes. It's working perfectly. That gets really offensive when I... Keep going. Ignore him. They sent me to Scotland team.

They had a Scottish national punter that was decent. Very average. So I knew they had to have a certain amount of Scottish people on their team. So I knew right away that it was a lost cause because... What was the name of the Scotland team? Claymores. Claymores. Oh.

So I knew from that, I was like... So I got switched to Berlin. Hennigan was booing him even back then for his stance. There's eight people. That's where it started with Hennigan. Boo! So I go from Scotland, they release me, and I go to Berlin. And there's like two weeks left in training camp.

It's me against a guy named Brian Mormon. He punted for 15 years, I think, in the league. That sounds familiar, yes. He was pro bowl for like five years. So it was me against him. Came down to the wire. That was one of those where you're waiting anxiously in the hotel room at 5 a.m.

Right. And you can hear the knocks coming down the hotel. It's like you don't want to be knocked on because you know. All right, so that's the firing scenario. That was a bad one because you're just waiting, waiting, waiting. And then I heard, I was like, damn it. So it was me. And that's the time.

Actually, I have a good story with that. They take you to the airport like at 6 o'clock in the morning in Florida. This is when it was in Florida. You have to sit there. My flight was like at 6 p.m. So all day at the airport. And that's when I almost died in a plane crash. So that's that story.

Yeah, that's good. You're a fantastic storyteller. You sold that one, pal. I think that's called burying the lead. That was God just shaking the plane up saying you suck. That story in about 15 seconds in my head went from you being in Berlin to you're in Florida where a plane crashes. I never said I was in Berlin.

Well, you said you get traded to Berlin. I was in Florida. I thought they actually. They have training camp in Florida. Well, of course. Everyone would think that when you said I got traded to Berlin. Everyone sees palm trees. NFL Europe training camp every year was in Florida because it was warm.

All right. So the knock on the door. They don't want to pay people to fly to Europe because it's a cheap league. What happens with the plane crashing? So anyways, Buddy Holly put me on a plane all day. I'm at 6 o'clock at night. I'm sleeping. I'm laying on the benches.

I'm flying to Reno so I can go work out for more teams after getting cut from from nfl europe really because when you're on your way to berlin they send you the opposite to all right i'm so confused so i'm flying to reno nevada again yeah from florida to go back to the sensei we flew we flew over tornadoes in texas and if you've never done that then it's not fun because Because the plane just pretty much dropped like we were going to wreck. And the flight attendants all hit the ceiling. One broke his leg. All the carts hit the roof. All the things

popped open. That's a cool story. When the flight attendant broke her leg, did she then realize that she was a punter? I've wrapped my pants. Go, go, you're good. Please, you're good. You're killing this.

This is fucking great. But I lived, unfortunately. What else is out of this life? Not only did she realize she was a punter, she beat him out for his next position. Gabe, don't do it. 15 years she kicked for NFL Europe.

I actually remember because I was sitting in the... Is my wife here? Yeah, your wife's here. Don't worry. I'm going down that path too. That's another story. I was kidding. No. No, I remember the story because she... It wasn't the one that broke the leg, That's another story. I'm just kidding. Keep talking.

No, I remember the story because it wasn't the one that broke the leg, but it's the one that sprained her ankle from hitting something. But I had the seat next right in front of the wall before first class. And the flight attendant seats, there were seats that used to pop up right there. Yeah. So she was... Jump seat. Yeah, so she had to rest her leg on my seat. Did you throw lumber or something?

Yeah, you weren't complaining about that. So I get to Reno. Hang on. Just to foreshadow, I asked Gabe stories about his time in NFL Europe when you eventually get picked up up and they're that exciting. I mean, even you're a football player. Ladies know that's his most exciting story about being a professional athlete is one time a lady in distress had to put a broken ankle on his groinal area. But she was cute.

No, she was cute. We'll give him that. Of course she was. So I go to Reno. That's why I saved your rookie card. Reno? Let's see. It's getting a little fuzzy.

Let's see. It doesn't matter. You go back let's see. It's getting a little fuzzy. We're going to see. It doesn't matter. You get to you. You go back to NFL Europe. There was a payoff to the fucking Patriots story here. Yeah. How long did you play? You 2000.

That was 2000. I think it was 2002. No one cares. When did they win the Super Bowl? 2002. 2002 was the year, but it was the 2001 season so but you did play oh the nfl europe happens after the patriots well yeah that was 2005 oh okay all right good let's get back all right then let's get to the let's get to the yucky story that makes everyone cringe that was 2000

nothing happened in 2001. Just kind of... Nothing. And you were... 9-11 happened, but that's cool. And I was substitute teaching that day when 9-11 happened. And you were kind of defeated mentally in the whole NFL process. Not yet. Not yet.

Not quite. You weren't... I can't imagine you were ever hopeful. I was very hopeful. That was probably my flaw. I was very hopeful, so I was always disappointed. That's what my mom taught me. Be hopeful.

Even though it's unrealistic, be hopeful. You could be the first black president. Really? Yes. So 2000, I think, okay, that's when Jacqueline was living in Marinci. You're a beautiful wife, Jack. So I, what the hell, I didn't have a house.

I moved to Marinci. Do you know Marinci? No, no. You're talking to people listening. Marinci is a small town somewhere. It's not a small town. Small town for us. It's a small town completely owned by town for us. It's a small town completely owned by

Phelps Dodge. Mining company. You can't even own a house. They say, here's where you live. I ran out of house in Marinci and I thought, well, I'll substitute teach. That's all I can do. Second string teacher.

I lived there. I kept kicking. Second string teacher see um i kept kicking making films you know how the films go because doug actually filmed one for me which sucked dude yeah doug ruined one of my films doug probably cost me a i ruined one of your films sierra vista when we were doing our documentary. Oh, I was actually filming? You were filming it, and you filmed it horribly.

That's right, Gabe. Don't take no shit. Was it shaky? Yeah. Was there not a bar there? Something to take the edge off? The unsteady cam. Unusable film. All right, well, we'll get to that one. off the unsteady count. Unusable film.

All right, well, we'll get to that one. Don't get ahead of yourself. Let's get to you go to Disneyland. Okay, okay. So, let's see. You go to Disneyland. This is the 2001 season. I'm living in Marinci.

I wasn't married yet. We decided to take a trip together to California. We took our niece. She was like, what, 11? How old was I? Don't turn away from the mic. It's not good for audio. We took our niece, my sister.

We all went to California. We went to Disneyland. Before the trip, I stopped. Let's see. No, wait. Let me think. You didn't tell your... Okay.

The week before, the Patriots had brought me in for a workout. Yes. They brought me, a kid named Kevin Stemke, who was a friend of mine. This is November. It's... That's about right. Yeah. I think they had a bye week that week.

So this was like a Monday or Tuesday. I don't remember the days. That's kind of blurred. That's not important. So it was me and two other punters. They flew me in on a red-eye flight to New England. From Arizona. Midnight.

I go straight from the airport to go work out. It's zero degrees, snow flurries. I'm from Arizona. Freezing my ass off, of course. Shorts. Outside. They have an inside thing. Foxborough. We use the indoor course. Shorts. Outside. They have an inside thing. Fox, bro.

We use the indoor facility. I don't know. So we're outside in the snow flurries. Three of us there. I don't remember the third guy. That's like if I got asked to go to the Oscars, and, oh, well, there's better seats over there. Why can't I have a nicer seat up in a balcony?

But go ahead. Why can't we go indoors nicer seat up in a balcony? But go ahead. Why can't we go indoors? I believe they did fly me first class so I could sleep. Oh, nice. At least they could do. Mathematically, they figured it out ahead of time. I go straight from the airport to the facility. Again, it's me, Stemke, who planted like one game.

He has a great story. Side note. Side note is Gabe has a great story. Side note. Side note is Gabe has been doing shots this whole time. His story gets slower and slower. The better and better. Kevin Stempke was signed by the Rams, and there was like two games left in the season. He goes to a wedding of his friends.

They cut him, and he didn't even know it. He didn't even know he was cut until he got back. He shows up in his uniform and gets out stretching his legs on the field and someone taps him on the back. He gets that knock. He didn't even get a knock. He didn't even get a knock.

He was just... Giant hook pulls him off the field. He's a punter. Punters they don't care about. So you're in Disneyland. We're not there yet. You said the story can take a while. Do you want me to hurry it up?

No, I'm just, I'm trying to. I'm in New England. Yeah. No sleep. Red eye flight. Go straight to the airport. Did I say snow flurries? Yeah, yeah. You're all cold. Zero degrees. Yeah, snow flurries? Yeah. Shorts.

Zero degrees. You're pissed about not being indoors. Back then it was the little shorts. Littler shorts. Tidy whities. They chose your shorts for you? Of course. We just take what we can get.

So all three of us had just a shitty workout. It was like one of those workouts where you're like, okay. You know what I mean? We've had podcasts like that. Started out hot and then the catch was... I'm just picturing Gabe in snow flurries in shorts with a big bag of footballs.

His lucky footballs. Like Linus Oh Gabe this is fucking great Please don't stop Are you being sarcastic? Are you treating me like the ugly female walk-on? I'm not pulling your chain I don't want to be the ugly walk-on here

Whatever don't fucking hit me please I'm with you sir I want to be an equal here. So, okay, horrible. The catch is they had brought a guy in the day before that we got there. So his name was Derek Frost, and he sucked. He was one of those punters that just kept getting great opportunities because they thought he was good.

White privilege. He sucked. Dad fan. We can go back to that. Like privilege. Pretty sucked. Dad fan. Exactly. Go back to that. Like a comedian that sucks and gets opportunities. Jay Erickson. Yeah.

Yeah. Whoa. Brett Erickson. Tons of opportunities. He was actually in a hotel staying the night as we were working out. So that can make him feel good. But anyways. So it was a horrible workout for all three of us.

And we're like, you know what? Nothing's going to come of this. Oh, that's a sad. Another side note. That's a sad after bar. I'm making a comedy analogy where all three of the comics on the stage suck shit and you all go back to the hotel bar and just slump over. That's how it was.

And just fuck this whole business. To make matters worse, and for them to rub it in our faces, every workout that we go on, they give us shorts, shirts, and you keep it. It's like a souvenir. Bag of footballs.

Yeah, bag of footballs. No, you don't get a bag of footballs. You get shorts. Yeah, I get you. And a shirt. Yeah. You know, it's like a shorts. Yeah, I get you. And a shirt. Yeah. You know, it's like a, I mean, I could probably go through and have like, I don't know, any more, but I used to have tons of pairs of shorts for my workouts.

So anyways, we're in the cafeteria afterwards. The equipment manager makes an announcement. Everybody's in there. All the punters who just worked out, please empty your bags and quit stealing our equipment. All the punters who just worked out, please empty your bags and quit stealing our equipment. We have to get our bag, our shorts, and our t-shirts, which costs them nothing. Comedy analogy would be, they give you your bar tab after a show. You're like, we don't pay for drinks.

Really? We're going to pay for drinks. We couldn't even keep our shorts from New England. Yeah. And they had to show like we were stealing them. Yeah. It was pretty fucking rough. It was one of those days. Oh, man.

That is a negative tell. So we fly home, and they always tell you the same thing. You can actually see their boards. You're going to be on our short list. Blah, blah, blah. I hear it every time. We'll watch your tape. Blah, blah, blah.

We'll keep you in mind. So I go home. I go back to subbing. So that week, we decide to go out of town and Doug likes to laugh about going to Disneyland or whatever.

It's a fucking funny story. Don't bail on it now we drive we drive that guy in adderall we we're at the edge of our seats gabe this is the best fucking story i've ever we drive to tucson where my brother was living the lawyer that guy that guy and um i have the end of that story written down don't let me forget because i started it early about when we were doing speech therapy. Don't let me forget to end this. I set up

how bingo was at your brother's house with the speech therapy. I got to remember to finish that story. Disneyland. No, we're not there yet. We're in Tucson. We're in Tucson.

My brother broke his cell phone. We're in Tucson. All right. So my brother broke his cell phone. He didn't have his cell phone. Broken. I had a cell phone. Little flip phone back then. Again, this is 2001. So having a cell phone was... So I said, here, brother.

I love you. Take my cell phone. I don't need it. I don't need my cell phone. My life's over. They hated me in New England. I don't need my cell phone. My life's over. They hated me in New England. I don't need a cell phone. I had a horrible workout.

I don't need my cell phone. He's like Steve Martin in The Jerk. You take my cell phone. All I need is this lamp. This lamp. And this paddle ball game. Yeah. This lamp.

Go ahead. So I gave him my cell phone. So really, it's his fault for breaking his cell phone. Well, they don't know. The people listening don't know what is his fault. He broke his cell phone. I gave him my cell phone. I know the story.

The listeners that will listen to this don't know the story. So get to the story why it's his fault. What is his fault? So as an NFL punter kicker, you should always have a cell phone on you. I mean, I had an agent. I'm sure all you have agents, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Definitely. Yeah, he's – Hennigan. Is Hennigan – Yeah, he knows what Hennigan is. Anyways, so, I mean, back then, I guess it's not as easy to get ahold of people. I mean, now you can – I guess it's the same. There's more cell phones around.

Yeah, kind of. Tweet, hey, if you see fucking gabe this big fucking galoof walking around disneyland tell him and someone will find you so i go to california no no communication which now seems weird not having communication because we're so reliant on it yeah retrospect and um so we go it's like fr, Saturday. Come home Sunday. Come home. Sunday. Let's just say Sunday. Whatever. So I get home that evening with a message from the Patriots. And they say, hey, we have a 10 o'clock flight for you to come back out. We want you to punt this week.

They fired their punter is Betty's story. No, because Derek Frost, the punter they signed, sucked, which I could have told anybody that. He sucked. You told the bartender the night you got fucking shit-canned after a bad day and they wanted their shorts back. You told that guy. That bartender heard all about how Darren Frost sucked.

That guy couldn't fucking carry my fucking cleats, that fucking piece of shit. He sucked that week. They didn't like him, of course. They cut him. And then they called me on Monday. I wasn't home. Fuck.

I wasn't home. I had a flight. I missed my flight. My agent, dumbass, didn't try a little bit harder to get a hold of me. I mean, my family was with me. They could have tried a little harder. His name was Derek Fox. Oh, damn you derrick fox was the guy that took your that's my agent you got your who's the guy that got your spot because i'm gonna rush into the end of your story if you don't

stop dropping names of people no one give a fuck about he's the agent that's a dick that didn't try to get a hold of me. Yeah. That's the first time I've been able to say that. What's he going to do? Fucking smoke signals? Try to get a hold of me. I don't know how.

You're in Disneyland without a cell phone. What's his paycheck? What's he going to put a Post-it note on the back of a small child? Attention, Disneyland patrons. He's going to get himself hired to be an extra on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride so he can jump into your cart. Hang on. He's going to get himself hired to be an extra on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. So he can jump into your cart. Hang on.

Yeah, he lived in San Diego, too. They left you several messages, is the story Betty told. I don't know. My cell phone had messages, but that doesn't matter because I didn't have my cell phone. Well, this is the year. It's a moot point. Okay, so Doug's in a rush. So I get back home. I miss the call.

Of course, I wake up early. I'm trying to calculate Eastern time, Arizona time. Where the hell are we? I said, hey, I just got home. I missed your call. They said, no, we brought back Ken Walters, who we cut three weeks ago. Oh, no.

Yeah, he was a veteran punter. You remember him? Yeah, fuck. About 10 weeks ago. Oh, no. Yeah, he was a veteran punter. You remember him? Yeah, fuck. About 10 minutes ago. Yeah, he sucked. He sucked, but very nice guy, I have to say. They signed him. They go to the Super Bowl.

They win. Ken Walters gets a ring. Now, that's the year that the Patriots beat the Rams, correct? I don't know what year it was. It's all a blur. Oh, it was three. All right. See, Betty's story was it was the first.

So that was against the Carolina Panthers or the Eagles. Either way, you would have had a Super Bowl ring. Super Bowl ring. I missed the call. If you hadn't given your brother the fucking cell phone. Unless, and let's look at the bright side. He got engaged. I'm sure I did, the beautiful wife.

Wait, you got engaged at Disneyland? Yeah, his wife just said, I got a ring. So you stare at her every night while she's sleeping, daggers into the back of her head going, you cost me a fucking ring. I gave you a ring.

I never think about it until I come to Doug's house. Off of my own finger. The only time I think about it is when Doug's the only one that brings it up. So, I mean, Doug's always bringing it up. So I can't ever forget it. It's a fucking great story. It's incredible. I was playing freaking, what's that stupid beanbag game called the other day?

Oh, Cornhole. Cornhole. And Doug's talking about the Patriots. So, I mean, I can't get rid of it. Move to another small town where no one knows your backstory. So, it's not over yet, though. Are you guys going? I'm not.

This is half done. I was just going to say. We stopped recording minutes ago. A long time ago. Yeah. I was going to say. It started out, I'm from Bisbee. Yeah. I was going to say... It started out, I'm from Bisbee.

Yeah. Keep going. Everybody else left, so I must be boring people. I was going to say the bright side is that perhaps if you had got the call,

you would have been flown out there and you would have sucked and then been replaced by Ken Walters. But I would have at least got one game. Yeah, but you wouldn't have the ring.

You get the ring if you play one game. You know, the irony of that is I had a workout, because they cut Ken after that season, and we all had a workout in Kansas City the next year. And, of course, he's wearing his big old Super Bowl ring. But he's sitting with you. No, I had a picture. I have the ring on my finger in a picture.

Wow. That's bad. But the guy with the Super Bowl ring is still having a workout with you, the Disneyland guy. So, like, fuck him. Yeah, you're on your way down, man. Yeah, he's the guy at fucking practice wearing a Super Bowl ring. Yes, that's me

getting bumped at the Tucson Open mic. I'm done with comedy analogies. The following year, I had a workout with Ken, and I did kick his ass, but I didn't get cleared because I said I had a bad back. Oh, wow. How long you had a week back? Uh-oh, is this a joke?

Come on, Tom. Don't leave me hanging. How long have you had a week back? It's about a week back. Yeah, see? It's a whole Stooges thing. Yeah. So that's the Patriots story.

I mean, there's more, but... It's fucking great. Well, then you did actually play in NFL Europe. I had your purple jersey. Who was that? The Galaxy? It was the Galaxy. That was 2002.

With Tron time? Yeah, from there I went to... What city? Frankfurt. I actually made it on the Frankfurt Galaxy team with the Giants. That's just good. That was a legendary team, the Frankfurt Galaxy team. I actually made it on the Frankfurt Galaxy team with the Giants. That was a legendary team, the Frankfurt Galaxy team. I was all NFL Europe.

Yeah, they were next to the world. He was all NFL Europe. Out of five punters, six punters. That's incredible. So I came back. Okay. I came back with the Giants. They're the ones that allocated me.

Allocated. Hang on. That's the word. This is when you actually played in front of people professionally in Europe. In Frankfurt. Okay. Before going to Europe, I had to work out with the Giants because their punter had a broken wrist.

Remember Rodney Williams, the only black punter in the league? No one knows these fucking names. Listen. Let me explain. He was the only black punter in the NFL. Rodney Williams. He had a 90-yard punt. I thought Reggie Roby was. That Rodney Williams. He had a 90-yard punt. Reggie Roby was.

He had a 90-yard punt in preseason in Denver. Let's see. 90-yard? Yeah. It's like all in the air, not rolling for 40 yards. The next day was 2011. The towers fell, and nobody remembered his punt. 2011?

You just said 2011. You're drunk as shit. You just said 2011. I said 2011. The towers fell. shit. 2001. You just said 2011. I said 2001. The towers fell. I said 2001. That's all right.

We're with you, bro. He had a 90-yard punt in Denver. That's impressive. Hey, this is where we get to busting your balls about your time. How long were you in NFL Europe playing live games in stadiums? That was 2002. Your wife and sister keep answering questions and I'm going to have them

sit in for you as you get too drunk I used to ask him about like still it's NFL Europe but you're still playing in front of stadiums of people you still have to have that

35,000 35,000 people I've never played to 35,000 ugly cheerleaders those cheerleaders we're having fun but000 people ugly cheerleaders those cheerleaders we're having fun but it's a fucking incredible accomplishment

those cheerleaders or something else talk about the cheerleaders but I would ask you I would milk him like a dead cow for stories of like fun

that you had nothing I was married yeah he low pulled like there's no Cristal and fucking Escalades and fucking beating up a

bouncer and fucking paying off cops. There was Turkish. They always told us the story of the Turkish people where they... The Turkish people did not like the Americans in Europe. In Germany. So they always warned us, don't go to Turkish bars. And there

was a story of one of the NFL players going in there and... Name a name. Go ahead. I don't know the name. But they took him outside and had a sword, like a Viking sword. They were mimicking. They were going to cut his head off. So that's the story we all heard. And this is pre-ISIS. Don't go to Turkish bars.

This is pre-ISIS. So let's wrap to after you're all pro. So Europe, 2002, go to NFL. Go to NFL Europe with the Giants. Come back with the Giants. It's me against Williams, Rodney Williams. Incredible. And I beat him out, basically.

I was second in the league in punting that year. I had like a 46, 47-yard average. Behind Todd Sauerbron, I still remember his name. He was an all-NFL. The Bears drafted him. See? That's right, baby. And he went to Bears, then he went to Carolina.

He was a great punter. Hey, this is the Todd Sauerbron podcast. You're listening to it right now. He was a cocky punter, and that's why no one liked him, because he thought he was. I never met him, so I can't judge him. Who did you meet that you hated? The rumors that Jerry Rosberg.

Let's get some dirt. Let's get some dirt. Now you're drunk. Jerry Rosberg, special teams coach at the Browns. Basically a walking-looking dildo is what he looked like. The walking dildo. Yeah. That's what he looked like.

That's my nemesis, basically. So I go to the Giants. It's me against Williams. I beat him out. But the whole time I had a nagging injury. So the whole time my back was like, ah, something's going on. That sucks. I got to the fourth preseason game, and I couldn't punt.

Rodney had the first half. I had the second half. Yeah. I couldn't I couldn't punt Rodney had the first half I had the second half yeah I couldn't do it I mean believe me I would have done everything I possibly could it was against the Jets

Giants Jets preseason it was Jets were home field same stadium I fucked four girls at once and I had the same failure all the penetration was just meaningless

a black guy who was competing against you did better whoa but he didn't All the penetration was just meaningless. A black guy who was competing against you did better? Whoa. But he didn't. So I ended up getting x-rayed at halftime. I had a stress fracture in my lower back.

That's just been my luck. So I had the job, but I ended up injuring myself. So they kept me on injury reserve until like December. You know where we're going, Gabe. We're going to Brian Hennigan. Yeah, okay. Where does that go? I end up getting released after I get better, whatever.

And that's the year. Let's see. It was the 49ers, Giants. The punter dropped the snap in the playoffs. You guys remember that? No. I don't remember the beginning of this story getting the story oh no wait that's way before that was the giants punter before here the sorry i thought you were gonna do a sean i can't think of his name i'm cutting you off

i'm gonna get you into where your vitriol will rise and the giants punter dropped the snap against the 49ers. You don't remember that? No. In the playoffs. What's wrong with you fucking guys? We just have football parties. We don't watch or care. He dropped the snap.

The Giants lost the playoffs to the 49ers because the punter dropped the snap for an extra point. That's huge. I'm sure it sucks, but let's get to the real suck. You decide to make a comeback years later. That's the end of it. Okay, so you don't want the second NFL Europe. Not if the story is don't go to a Turkish bar,

which you didn't go to a Turkish bar. Okay, so I did NFL Europe again in 2005 with the Bears. I came back with the Bears. I was on the practice squad for a few weeks. The Bears. I get cut, of course, like always. I know, you get cut,

you get cut, you get cut, and then you go back to NFL year. I come back, and my name is Bisbee, and then I meet this dickhead over here. I met him while bartending

at the Stock Exchange Bar. Wow. Doug and Bingo were dressed like the Hare Krishna. Weren't they? The Hare Krishna people from the airports. Oh, yeah, the Muslim prayer robes.

They actually make an appearance in the book that I'm writing. Doug and Bingo were dressed like that. And I didn't know who he was. And he asked me to sign a Bisbee baseball cap from high school, which I didn't even play baseball, but I signed it. I don't care. So I was like, okay, whatever. I'm a star fucker.

Idiot. I signed a Bisbee baseball cap. So anyway, long story short. Too late. Was it that bad? We've been waiting for you, Gabe. You're the best. I sense a lot of little sarcasm in that.

NFL has been distant for you. That's a lot of envy. NFL has been distant for years at this point, and somehow you get talked into trying to make a comeback. By Stan Hope and Hannigan. Was it you? I don't know. Plant of the seed?

Maybe. What year? That was 2006? It doesn't matter. You're long since out of the game. So the goal was to be the oldest rookie punter in the NFL. Yes. Yes.

And Hannigan is going to make a documentary. And I was trying to act as your agent. I'm trying to do old telemarketing shit. I sucked. We lived in a tiny house in Galena. Doug was there. I had him call the Redskins as my agent. You remember that?

Yeah, I do remember that. I sucked. I have no idea. Don't open your mouth if you don't know the shot. The thing is, Doug is very confident in comedy. But anything else, Doug's like that scared high school kid that shakes. He's like a little chihuahua that just shakes in public. That's sobriety that does that to me.

There's nothing to do. There's a great story of Doug. Give me the Redskins phone number right now. I'll get you on the fucking TV. At 10 o'clock in the morning at your house where I have to smoke outside, not so much. Doug actually called the Redskins for me.

I'm sitting there trying to listen and see what they're saying. I don't think we got through. Did we get through? No. I don't know the rigmarole. It's probably a good thing we didn't get through. So Brian, the whole time we went out, it's so fucking hard to catch a punt. We would go out with Gabe. You're jumping ahead.

So we're filming with Brian Hennigan. Well, I was just going to explain to him how hard catching. We would go while he's working out to do this. That's right. And all of us, the whole Bisbee football crew, would go to the high school field, and you would punt fucking 60 yarders. And we had just Jen.

You know just Jen with her fibromyalgia. She's out there with a laundry basket. It hurts so bad to catch these footballs. It's cold out, too. So after the first time, I would duct tape odor eaters around my forearms and the inside to muffle the... It stung. I'd run, and then there was this one-armed kid. Do you remember that?

My mom actually said he has a prosthetic arm now. Now. Back then, he was 13. You have all of us elderly folks out there trying to catch punch. With laundry baskets. This 13-year-old kid. Oh, my gosh.

I wore helmets. We had those replica helmets. And I wore them because occasionally they'd hit your hands and the nose of a cold football would go right into your fucking lip or nose. Fuck this. I like the way you mimic catching a football. You look like a girl catching a football.

That's exactly how it was. It's a boy. Remember, it's a non-athlete, Doug. The kid shows up and he's catching everything with one arm. He's like fucking OBJ. What's his name? The one-armed fucking... Odell Beckham.

Yeah. That's the guy. Junior. Junior. Yeah. It was embarrassing, but we're filming it. Yeah, it was embarrassing. But we're filming it. Or Brian is. Brian's not out catching fucking footballs.

Oh, no, I just film. I have contact lenses. But the best story with Brian, we're at my uncle's house. He lost his passport. Oh, fuck. He couldn't fly. He had a flight's house he lost his passport oh fuck he couldn't fly he had a flight and he lost his passport and he was flipping

remember this oh fuck oh yeah he never told you that story where did he I don't remember no he lost his passport he was just

I mean he was going berserk I mean oh yeah he was going berserk which means he was just sobering up fuck it fuck it where the fuck could I have put this fucking thing which means he was just sobering up fucking fucking where the fuck

could I have put this fucking thing there's no fucking way that I where was I well that's where this whole thing culminated because you went to camp and we came up to Reno again

well no we went to by that time the Pelfreys had competitors, so we were in Scottsdale, and Brian was filming. Back in artichoke country. Yes. I had a very good workout when we got out on film, and we decided to go to Reno anyways. For the training camp. Doug bought my flight to Reno, which I'll always be grateful for.

And I remember one of his shows I don't know where that show was I've never had a good show in Reno I remember that one specifically because I always fail around you whether it's speaking at city council or fucking trying to promote your mother as mayor

you're like a huge violent sucking ball of jinx. You have a presence. So yeah, I do remember that show. A cooler. You're a big cooler. You do the training camp,

you don't make it. No, I went to Reno and I decided I thought I had an excellent workout in Scottsdale, so I decided we decided just to hang out that night and we went to your show. And afterwards, I think you had the Gabe pride shirt on. Oh, that's right.

We made up Gabe pride, pink t-shirts. That's funny. And the next day I'm like, you know, I think, I think I had a good workout. I think something's going to come with this.

And of course, you know, me, nothing came of it. God damn it. You were in the game. God damn it. You were in the game, God damn it. Hennigan must have been filming this whole thing thinking that the payoff will be

he will be the oldest rookie to ever play in a regular season NFL game. And when that fell apart, and you're demoralized, so you wanted nothing to do with Brian, and then Brian was pissed at you, and he wants... And it was... Was it Super Bowl or Thanksgiving where you're at?

That was Jason's house. Yeah, with your mother? Yeah, they had me sitting. Brian had me sitting in a chair. What the fuck? I'm like, can I move? No, I have to sit in this chair while watching the Super Bowl. He's still trying to find closure.

Oh, it was a Super Bowl. It was a Super Bowl, and we're watching the Cardinals and the Steelers. And I'm sitting there. You're in a high chair. What the fuck? Getting off camera. And Brian's drunk. And belligerent.

And I think we were eating dinner that night. And I go, fucking Brian, just fucking calm down. Just relax. And he went on this out. He's still embarrassed about to this day where he just went out of fucking dinner. He goes, no,

this is bullshit. I need fucking closure. I have spent so much fucking time on this fucking project. No, no. It was one of the most embarrassing. Like we do that shit here at the Fun House. Tom's witnessed where we fall apart, but that's us.

This was with family of people that, you know, do that around. Oh, that's incredible. We rarely leave the fence because of that. I tend to bring that out in people very well. Brian and I, you know, looking back, I actually, Brian and I had a good talk. I don't know if he told you. It was like a month ago where we had actually a great talk. I actually apologized to him because I was an ass.

I was an ass during that filming. He said there's going to be like a 10-minute clip or a 5-minute clip. I'm scared to see it. I really don't want to see it. But he said it's going to be fine. And I apologized. He's not even getting around to my work lately, and that pays his bills, so don't worry about the clip.

If he can put together a 10-minute clip of him being an ass, he would probably put that first, I would imagine. Well, you know what? Now you're more important to us because now you are our newly elected council person from Ward 3. You got that right. This is the city council. We'll see how long it lasts.

Your brother also ran for state legislature from his county prosecutor seat that he's in now to be a state legislator. And when we were at his house, here's the cocktail napkin. I forgot the point. We were at his house. Here's the cocktail napkin. I forgot the point. Was when we were having to do bingo speech therapy at his house. His wife came back and we were chatting and said,

well, at least two of our three candidates won. I guess your husband's no Gabe Lindstrom. And she goes, you're damn right he's not Gabe thanks for having me Gabe Lindstrom yes I thought it was Lindstrom

Lindstrom Lindstrom I just needed closure fuck if we had an extra wall that was your size Yeah, with a J. Linkstrom. Okay, thank you. The Linkstrom. I just need a closure. Would you hang it up? Fuck. If we had an extra wall that was your size, we probably would. Frame it. He's a big, big man.

Actually, I had your Frankfurt Galaxy jersey forever. Bring something home. Didn't have a name on it, though. That stunk. All right, that's a podcast. The great Joe Blankstrom. J. Leo, play something when he comes back. Yes.

Bravo. Good work comes back. Yes. Bravo. Good work, Gabe. Yes. Well, there you lay in your diaper Just as cute as could be Propped up on your elbows And smiling at me I drove in for your birthday your mother drove me away but that

woman taught you how to crawl and that'll come in handy someday Hey kid, hang on to your dreams, your stupid, hopeless dreams. Grow meeker and colder as you get weaker and older, making the same money you did when you were seventeen no it's never too early to throw in the towel but it's always too late to die with

dignity so give up give in surrender without a fight. This is your last chance to snatch failure from the jaws of defeat. Wild horses on the jukebox Or whatever the hell it was But we were young, we were in love We were drunk and on drugs

Your mom can say what she likes About how I wasted my time But I had so much fucking fun. Burning out at 29. Hey kid, hang on to your dreams. Your stupid, hopeless dreams. Hopeless dreams They'll grow meeker and colder As you get weaker and older

Making the same mistakes you did when you were 17 Though it's never too early To throw in the towel But it's always too late to die with dignity. So give up. Give in. Surrender without a fight. This is your last chance to snatch failure from the jaws of defeat. 12 years of public school

15 minutes of fame 8 hours, 5 days a week for a parking spot with your name Compare the man you wanted to be to the man you became And realize, man man those two guys only their shoe size is the same I won't have any children I never

had a career I have no fucking regrets I guess I'll have another beer hey kid hang on to your dreams Your stupid, stupid dreams