The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #196: SwapCast with Near The Wild Alaska Podcast

Episode Date: February 17, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Doug hosts a SwapCast with the Near The Wild Alaska Podcast, Mat Becker and John Norris.Recorded Feb. 09, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Mat Becker (@Houdini357), John NOrris (@Jnorris123), Becky Becker, Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Support these podcasts by checking out the merch over at DougStanhope.com/storeNEW! Near The Wild T-Shirts and Doug Stanhope Podcast Coffee mugs!Closing song, "Wonder Years", by Colleen Coadic. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Hey, this is Doug Stanhope and Matt Becker on a Swapcast. We're doing a Swapcast, which means we trade them off. Yes, a Swapcast, which I... That's not what that means at all. It's a simultaneous release for two different podcasts with a single file. That sounds dirty. Very sexual. It's kind of like if Wolfman Jack went on Bob and Tom. Well, we're going to put this out on... All right, baby. Yeah, we're going to put this out.

All right, baby. Yeah, we're going to put this out at the same time. Yes. It's both of our shows. Yes. It's a show that we actually know each other. I really hate that that has not caught on more. Bert Kreischer has told people about it on other podcasts. He's like, no, it's like stand-up swap cast.

Right. And they're like, what? And then he would explain it. I've had a couple people that did it and then went, well, it's Doug Stanhope's stealing this. No, you're supposed to steal this. Steal this idea. Steal this idea.

Yes. If you're a fucking guy, a comic that has a podcast on someone else's podcast, that's both your podcast because you have different audiences and they will share in it exactly and you have an obligation to once a week three times a week whatever it is and then now you both fucking killed one two birds one stone two podcasts one editor gets a day off it's a win win. And then lose for the guy who has to edit both of them. It's a win, win, win, lose. So on the Swapcast, we have

Matt Becker, Doug Stanhope, Tom Konopka from BlueApron.com. Becky Becker. Oh my God. Thank you for the presence of royalty here. And Greg Chaley

who is our kind of wife swap. I'm the dildo between the two guys getting fucked in the ass. Yes. Wow. Ass to ass. Ass to ass. Gobble glooboo glooboo globble. Ass to ass is a much darker reference.

Don't Google it. Near the Wild actually has, we're missing John Norris because Doug refuses to do anything over Skype. Yes. Which is how Near the Wild is done. We do it in what's known as the devil's scaling. Do you know how this works? Tell us.

He'll be in Bisbee. I'll be in Costa Rica. John will be up in Anchorage. In Anchorage. And we actually make it work. And it actually, the sound quality because of him. We did it in a trailer the other day down here. You know the one you've.

30 days in the hole trailer. Yeah. I can't see it with all the smoke. Because Greg Shaley is amazing. The one where you quit smoking. I said, we sat in it and I go, it smells like smoke. And he goes, this is the one they did his smoke thing on. The 30 days in the hole.

And I went, oh, no, you're right. That's not smoke. That's flop sweat. That's what that smells like. Well, I heard you actually tried to do one of your near the wild podcasts from Costa Rica where you were at a bar with Costa. No, on the beach Becky was there

I was there and the time difference got us and so we had a set schedule and so we were somewhere where it would have been perfect

and then the time. Anyone who has their wife defend them in court. No, I'm not. As a fool for a client. No, here's the thing. Doug, we were at the restaurant. Remember the restaurant where you stick your fingers in the little water with the petals? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. That's where we're at. Barcelito. Yeah. Sitting in Barcelito with the beach right there. Everything was great. And then we were running. We were making sure we could all set up and work.

And so we're waiting. And then the time changed. Becky said, what? Costa Rica is an hour ahead of Bisbee. Right. So she says 4.30. But really, because of the hour difference, Greg thought 5.30. Well, by 5.30, the tides have changed.

And now we have wrapping waves six feet high coming in on the beach. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. They're like, so here's our Rosalito? The tide is in on the beach. It was, wasn't it? Yeah. They're like, so here's our Rossellino? The tide is coming under our feet. It was a high tide. We're in high tide.

So now it's getting darker. Mosquitoes are out. I've got my shit set up. We can't really leave and go sit in the car and do it. And the restaurant is now freaking out even though there's no more people coming. You guys good, dude?

And we're like, yeah, we're good. We've only bought nine beers and fucking five tacos. Now leave us fucking alone. We paid our price. And they act like, oh, there's all these people coming. There was no one coming. There was no one coming. The fucking, yeah, maybe the lifeguards.

Because the waves were literally hitting by us. So then I moved over to this other side. I kept turning the back and going, keep it on, shit. Make sure we're not getting hit. I will bet you the same bet from the UFC we bet. I will bet you the same 10 grand

that that place doesn't have tacos. We're going back. What are you saying, Matt? We are not going to get them. We are going to call you so you can use your credit card on the phone. You have to get a picture of them. Listen, you're going to use your credit card on the phone to pay our bill

when Becky and I have tacos there. Hey, now. The same restaurant. Yes. The floaty little lady man. Yeah, lady man with the little bowl with the flower. I wonder if he still works there. Lady me.

He'd know. That's a girly boy. Probably. They don't have a long lifespan. Doug, why do you not think they have tacos there? Because they had everything that was way too fancy for Costa Rica. Again, they had a finger dipping bowl with floating lilies in it. But you know what they had, Doug?

At the Rainbow Room. No. We have these specials tonight as the, you know, blah, blah, blah,

scrims, scimpy. Yeah, one kilo. Scrims, kilo of lobster. Of a lobster. And he's doing it like a baby.

And it's like the size of a miniature schnauzer. Yeah, and he goes, do you want to eat me, Grande Lobster? It's, what was it,

$90? A hundred bucks. A hundred bucks. We were going to get it. For the kilo. We were going to do it like a baby. For the kilo of lobster. And I'm like,

ah. I told Becky, I go, this will be funny, we'll film it, I'll have him order it, and then I'll take it out to the ocean because it was right there. I were going to get it. For the kilo. We were going to do it like a kilo. For the kilo of lobster. And I'm like, ah. I told Becky, I go, this will be funny. We'll film it. I'll have them order it. And then I'll take it out to the ocean because it was right there. I was going to go, go, go, go.

And that's a funny $90 joke. Oh, fuck. It was good. I lost $10,000. It's only funny if you do it. But you have to be. You think they sold it? I've got to find out now.

The thing that always was surprising to me as the ugly American was in Costa Rica, Central America, Mexican food isn't. We always ate pizza. They didn't have tacos. No. I just assume anyone who speaks Spanish. Well, no, but the one thing that's amazing down there was when

Anthony Bourdain... Anthony Bourdain. Who follows me on Twitter. The great Anthony Bourdain. You know what he said? Grace Papaya Anthony. Because he did his worst ever, and I think it was like Greenland? Iceland. But he also says in a prelim on that,

he goes, I get tons of letters on, why don't you go to Costa Rica? He goes, because their food is bland and there's no reason to go there. They have no cooking. But it's really good, but it's weird. It's not- Where Dane said this. Yeah.

Wow. No, he said, because he'd done Nicaragua, he's done Panama. I'm going, what the fuck? Why not Costa Rica? And he goes, they don't have a personality, much like the people, Doug. Remember those? Brokers Remember Lonely Planet? Remember Lonely Planet was a guide? Yes.

And when we first went there in 2002. Online guide, yeah. No, we had the book. It was a book. It was a book? We had the book. What's a book? And it said that the Costa Rican people are dull, boring people.

They weren't wrong. No, but here's the thing, and this always kills us because we've had people come down and they go, oh, where's the strip club? They don't have strip clubs. And you know why they don't have strip clubs? Because they have legalized prostitution. Well, that makes sense.

You can get the cookie. But the Costa Ricans can't figure out. They go, if we'll have sex with you for anywhere from $60 to $100 they'll have sex with you like your wife

of 30 years right yeah no and you know Douglas but the point but the point is is they can't understand

they go why would you pay me to take my clothes off I'll fuck you for $60 so they don't but that's the level of difference so and they go why

would you put salt and pepper on chicken it's already cooked seems like you know what segue into blue apron yeah i was gonna say yeah we should definitely go down there with blue apron but even the the whore houses when we first went becker when we first went, Becker, when we first went to Costa Rica, it was right after 9-11. Right. And Becker calls me up, let's go to Costa Rica. Airfare is internationally going to be so cheap. Immediately capitalizing on the dead.

Brilliant. The first responders. Finder. Yeah. And they were. And we had a fucking blast. And at the end. Not literally. literally no the 9-11 okay remember this this is my quote from back there while they're fighting fires we'll fight flyers

and we had a fucking amazing time and to me i me, I look back at how simple I was, that going to what I would think is a third world country was this big adventure. I wrote this giant blog about it. And a lot of other people just go there for vacation. Yeah, but the way- It's Costa Rica. I've never heard of it.

You're wrong. You're wrong i've never heard you're wrong you're wrong now no you're wrong because when we went especially uh we didn't realize i just talked to somebody who was down there like right before we started going the reason the roads were so fucked up and everything they had a huge earthquake they had a volcano go off and then an earthquake right after which if you listen near the wild you'd know this yeah uh becker's predictions you are listening to in the near the wild yes oh because it's podcast right okay but uh in my own t-shirt a hell of a t-shirt but uh the thing is is all their railroads got knocked out because i talked to somebody here from bisbee i went down there you had to take trains everywhere like put your

rain is every you took trains the reason the roads were fucked up they took trains everywhere, like Putrean and stuff. You took trains. The reason the roads were fucked up, they took trains everywhere. It was like India, where you jump on them. Well, all the trains collapsed, and somebody came in, an engineer from America probably, and he goes, you'll never be able to rebuild this. They all collapsed. He goes, you're going to have to build roads. They never had roads, Doug.

That's why they were so fucked up. Because we went down there one time in Geffito, and they were throwing- That's where I met you. Yeah. They were throwing bags of concrete unmixed on the road to drive over. To drive over the bags of concrete. Becker's never had a cell phone, and I had one. I would never know.

I still don't know how to dial internationally. So we're communicating. Becker's been there before. I'm how to dial internationally. So we're communicating. Beckers have been there before. I'm going to meet them. Right. And then at the last minute, I get an email. Change of plans. Go to Sanza Airlines when you land in the capital, San Jose.

Go to Golfito on Sanza Airlines. We will meet you. It always reminded me of the old movies where they do the thing with the telegram. Becky goes, is Doug coming? I go, I think so. I land there. We have the guy that would unload your baggage and load your baggage with one arm. He had one arm. That's where I'm going. Oh, I got to start. Well, he baggage with one arm. He had one arm and he would

unload and load. Well, he only had one job. I want you to fill me in because you fly a regular flight into the capital and you get on Sansa Airlines, which is the scariest fucking thing. And we had

a near-death experience where we made eye contact with the house say goodbye wow we did what happened he took one last picture wait were you guys on my flight because duran and i had the same thing well every time we've flown sansa after that we had the same thing this one was bad because we were jinxed it's in the brochure the first time i done what i get this telegraph from becker change of plans flying to golfito i've never i've left the country but to other civilized that's way south of like anywhere you know it's a very it's a far very remote anywhere sansa flies is a bad flight so i take this crazy flight i have no idea where i'm going i don't know costa rica much less

golfito or sanza airlines so now i'm on this 10 seater where it's just dropping up and down and your guts are going up it's a fucking it's a it would if it were a ride at a amusement park it costs more than a ticket it It's a long line. It's a short line. I didn't have to make a reservation. I just walked out of San Jose airport into next door's Sonsa.

They put a stepladder up and go, go ahead, get in. Ten-seater. It's like getting the suburban ride we took today to Old Bisbee shorter ceilings no I'm sorry we couldn't control the temperature in the back wait a second

I didn't like hit curbs so I land on what if you saw what's the Johnny Depp movie with the blow where they first an illegal runway it's a dirt runway Johnny Depp movie with the blow. Yeah. An illegal runway is what it looks like.

It's a dirt runway and you hit it and you bounce and then at the end there's a guy with one arm holding up an orange cone with the arm he has. Obviously not with the nub.

Seems like you went a little overboard with the explanation there. You go, it's a propeller plane. That's my job, by the way. He lost an arm to a propeller. Yeah, he was doing a propeller plane. He pulled it down. It shot up.

It took his arm off. They fixed his arm, but then he owed him a bunch of money for the medical, so then he had to work there. He's got one arm. You've got one job. It's perfect. One of those planes has a propeller with an arm on half of it yeah but this tom this is they're waiting for me there there's no security there's no

obvious it's a fence nothing so they're waiting behind the guy with the orange cone and the one arm and the hotel is as close as the main house is to the fun house. It's right there. And they bring me in. I'm so fucked up from the plane. The backers start feeding me beer. We're Pilsen.

We're Pilsen people. You do what you do. That's life. And then we go to Dominical. So they're checking out of this hotel as I get there so I've already done the flight then get

we're changing hotels but we're drinking beer I'm happy are you guys spies? what is going on here? we work for the CIA no we go to Dominical and it's like a surfer town and so we rent a room on the back side of a bar and so every time

they open the cooler yes our light dims and you're like are you kidding me and so the the next morning we get up and we're like looking at the waves and we've got our boards and we're gonna go boogie board and all these people are looking at us like no no don't do that you don't want to do that but they're saying it in Spanish yeah and they're like nada nada nada

sounds like good morning Becky I will it was that night we were fucked up that night. You slept in that hammock. We're getting to that. It was that night at sunset where the waves were huge and no one's in the water, even the surfers.

Yeah, they're like, uh-oh. We had just driven from Golfito, and we're jumping in all fucked up because we've been drinking the whole fucking way. Of course. There's nothing more fun than drunk driving. Now that you know that it's illegal. Yeah, but the thing is, there were no real cops.

There's no real. The rule was with drinking and driving was, remember, you still got to be able to drive. Do you remember we got stopped with a crocodile bridge? Yeah, and the alligators when I was driving, and I tried to turn it back around and you're like, fuck. You know where I'm going.

Oh, I know. Yeah. We get stopped at this random, where again, it's my first time in what I think is a third world country. It was our first time too. In my head, it's Iran-Contra. Right. And it was.

So we get stopped and they check everyone's passport at this random checkpoint. Douglas Stano? You like Michael Douglas? Michael Douglas. Doug got hit on by a cop. He just read my name, Douglas Stano, but he goes, like Michael Douglas? It's not even

the right first or second name. They inferred everything. I told you that. That's funny as fuck. They're not Germans. Michael Douglas? So in Dominical, it was not the next morning.

It was that night. It's weird to, as a long-term alcoholic, for lack of a better word, where I can remember exactly how fucked up I was. Hey? Yeah. I'll get to it.

Where in Dominical, we got there, and I was so shit-faced from drinking on the plane and then drinking on the drive up, and then we get to the hotel, and then we jump in the water where the surfers are even telling us you can't go in that surf it's too heavy but but we don't listen and then we go to the bar the bar closes at 10 p.m okay yeah i think it was like 7 or 8 p.m before

i'm fucking drunk in a hammock out in front of our room. Yeah. I wake up at 10.01 probably. The entire town is shut down. And I wake up just cake mouth fucking desperate for water. I'm not going to drink tap water

because I know it's third world country. No, but we're on a beach. We always remember this. When anywhere in the world, whether you're in Malibu or anywhere, if you're on a beach, they don't have well water because you're at sea level. You're right there. Water comes from the hills. All I know is it's Mexico to me.

Yeah. Just squeeze a lime on it. It's all Mexico to me. Don't drink the tap water. Of course. So I wake up. You guys are crashed out. I wake up in this hammock out in front of our room.

And I go through the car searching for anything I can drink. There's nothing to drink. And I'm so parched. But there are chocolate chip cookies. Oh, that helps. That'll solve that fucking problem. What kind of psycho are you? That I brought from the plane.

So I eat chocolate chip cookies in lieu of water. Oh, Christ. Isn't that even worse? Yeah. Chase it with saltines. I think you have cotton mouth. I just spit up Eli Whitney.

Oh! The cotton gin. That's alcohol, isn't it? It was the fucking worst night because I couldn't go back to bed. Little cookie crumbs instead of white little things that are going to your mouth. Hey, Aunt Jemima.

Or no, Aunt Jemima. Hey, famous Amos. Pay for a room or get out of the hammock. Oh, fuck. Oh, it was some fucking worst night. And then you fucking almost died in Hako up the street. And we get to Hako and

we're boogie boarding. I want to say that we were 50, but no, we were fucking 38. We were briefly priced at the time. At least 10 years ago no brown spots 2002 so

it's 15 years ago yeah oh okay your math and my math you know we're boogie boarding like fat old men do yeah but we go by

all these young trim surfer kids with perfect abs and we run by them smoking because why the fuck aren't they out there

well they're out catching the big waves. We were kind of close. One wave got too big. Listen, guys. I grew up in Southern California. When guys that would love to go out during big waves don't go out it's because there's rip currents.

Yeah. That was Dominical. I don't know where you're going. We shouldn't have gone out And did And we were fine No Now we're in

What should be small waves Yeah But then a big one comes in And we're riding them in But we're riding these waves in All the way to the beach I don't know if you ever Boogie boarded

But Doug and I Are very competitive I don't know if you know this You'd know that If you've been on Holmes Anyway And so we're riding These things all the way in and doug gets one it goes all the way to the beach i'm like fuck i missed it so i get the next one and all of a sudden i and i remember this so

clearly uh the wave lifted and kept going up to like 14 15 and then you're watching the drag no i was in front of becker dry yeah dry and beach go dry. Yeah, dry. And I looked at Becker. We locked eyes. Yeah, we locked eyes. I'm going, you shouldn't have fucking taken this way. And later, everyone will tell you, you should have done this, you should have done that. I was at a 45 degree.

I was an Olympic swimmer. I kind of know what to do unless you're put on a stepladder on top of 14 feet high, face down. And I was on top going, there's nothing to do. And it just drops you. Oh, yeah. Head first. Oh, fuck.

The wave picked up the extra current and it sucked it up into the curl of the wave and it literally dropped Becker on his fucking head into wet sand, which is like concrete.

Oh, he she chunk of hair. Oh, he sheared off hair. This is what we call shore break. And let me guess, the sand, like the beach, went up kind of steep. So what happens was the water that would break,

it would rush back so quick that you would have nothing and it would actually build the wave and then drop you straight down. I'm probably a lousy witness. It sounds right. We weren't scientists. I was the guy. I was the

EMT if you can imagine. Just trying to drag Becker out. The worst guy. Two Costa Ricans were standing by Doug and go, your amigo, he's not going to get back up. He's not so good. I was laughing at first probably. He picks him up out of the water.

The waves came over me. I was a rag doll. And I literally thought this because I was conscious. But I was like, you're just like concussion shock. And like I said, it pounded sand into my skull to the point where year later, sand came out of my head. Becker was down for two days. to the point where year later, sand came out of my head. Becker was down for two days.

Yeah, and so these guys come back to the hotel because I was still at the hotel, and they come back, and he's kind of carrying him, and then all of a sudden I realize Matt's not talking. Becker's not talking. This is weird. Oh, fuck.

Yeah, there's something wrong here. Something is seriously wrong. And I'm just like, oh, oh, oh. She really did. This is really bad. Thank you, Costa Rica, for over-the-counter prescription drugs. Yeah, because I went and got him Flexerol and Tylenol with codeine and dosed him with that.

There was a... Tamarindo. Yeah. Tamarindo where I get caught in a Riptide on a boogie board. Really? And I panicked. The best way to get caught in a riptide by the way on a flotation device which I jumped off of in a panic

and I tried to swim the surfers are out behind you always and they fucking hate you they think they're ruining their buzz they're your friends but you can't get served without them sorry I went into a Tom Waits song. So I realize I'm drifting way past, and I try to paddle in, and then I panic.

I get no breath. I've been a fucking 30-year smoker, and Renee's with me. She's drifting out, and then I start, as I can't get past the surfers who are already in, I start to panic swim. You were past the surf line of the surfers? The surfers, yeah.

I know, but I didn't know that you went up the front. Morning Pilsons. Pilsons in the morning. Before the pizza. The bland, not Anthony Bourdain approved pizza. Yeah, so

and then I start to panic because you go towards it. There's one row of rocks. Yeah. Like always. Every beach has a row of rocks down there. The row of rocks. And I'm like, I'll eventually go there. So I jump off my fucking

boogie board. And I try to swim as fast as I can, which if you ask Hennegan, he'll go, ooh, boxing. Boxing? Don't do that. No, boxing is like the most, swimming for your life is the most exhausting workout because within 20 seconds i have no breath left yeah muscle failure and i just didn't care about renee drifting out i was just really in my head really thought i was gonna die and drown yeah and then the fucking uh lifeguard starts blowing his whistle at me. Come back in.

I'm like, dear Sam. Oh, look at Stanhope. It's all about me. It's all about me. That whistle must be about me. He's yelling at me as though I'm trying to be a fuck-off. I was already dying in my head.

But Becky and I were at the lifeguard. Hey, guy. Get away from there. Hey,. But Becky and I were at the lifeguard. Hey guy, hey guy, get away from there. Hey guy. Becky and I were at the lifeguard and he's our friend, he's a comedian, he's just being a jackass.

He's a kid. Were you even there? Yeah. You were there? They were laughing and pointing. I had to call the fucking, the lifeguard, help me.

He's blowing at me. I'm like, oh, you know what? And then he ran in and he grabbed me and he fucking brought me I'm like oh you know what and then he ran in and he grabbed me and he fucking brought me

really yeah you're lucky and then I got back to the shore parallel to the shore go sideways I just left Renee

out there oh what happened fuck she met a guy she met a guy it was a lifeguard with a whistle yeah

yeah well I think it was a sign up so the same trip these two idiots decide that it's going to be- Wait, which two? Point them out. Which two are you pointing to for? Oh, I'm sorry.

Jalen or Becker? Matt and you. I lost to it. Is that your final answer? Idiots. Matt and Becker. They decide that they're going to swim across the estuary. Oh, the guy got ate in the same estuary. And they're just like, they go swimming across it and they're going to swim across the estuary. Oh, the guy got aced. And they're just like, they go swimming across it,

and they're like, I'm so happy in the water. Tourist swimming. And then they get to the other side. Becky, let me back up for Tom. Okay. There's the beach, there's the estuary, and then back up for Tom. Okay. There's the beach. There's the estuary. And then there's crocodiles.

Yes. At some point. But we didn't really think crocodiles would be that close to the... An estuary is an area where a freshwater source comes in. The salt water comes in. It gets brackish. It's like brackish. Exactly. I'm very well aware of that.

Which crocodiles are very comfortable in that situation. We didn't believe that. Yeah. We didn't see this. Why would you? Fake news. Fake news. And so these two idiots.

Costa Rica Kevin. Yeah. They all decide to go swim over naked, and they get all the way over, and they get up on the shore. We were very happy on the other side that we did not get eaten by crocodiles. We're naked, and we're going,

hey, look at us. Let's take a picture. And then they realize they have to swim back. And that was the greatest one ever. Return trip. Yeah. Yeah, it was, though, because in your mind. And they were just greatest return trip. Yeah, it was though. Because you guys were just idiots.

Because you came back across and you're just, all three of you were just like, oh my God. Left your scent in the water. Because you had all your dangly bits hanging out. Yeah, low hanging fruit. Yeah. Crocodile never bites off your dick and balls. They go for fucking bigger meat. That's what turtles go for.

You know what? Take your fucking torso off. I don't eat the... When Blue Apron shows up, I don't eat the fucking... Bok choy? Yeah. That's real fricacchi. Alright, now I'm drunk. Parsley is a condiment Condiment Your balls and cock are the condiments

For an alligator or a crocodile They're garnishes Garnishes I opened my paycheck It was full of parsley I think they're garnishing my wage Ding ding ding ding ding I opened my paycheck. It was full of parsley. I think they're garnishing my wage. Garnishing my wage. So in the last two years,

the story came up that very estuary on Tamarindo, a very famous. Our estuary, I like to call it. Yes. Yeah. A fucking guy who lost a leg or an arm to a fucking crocodile doing the same shit. Yeah.

Fuck. I thought we were being fake ballsy because none of us believed. Yeah, you didn't know. Crocodiles could exist so who cares? Yeah. They did. They did exist. That poor third sucker. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. You know, he gave his limb for this podcast. We had that, and then we had the time we drove down, because this is when we were adventurous. Remember when we were younger, we gave a shit.

I still want somebody to dig the jalapenos out of your urinal outside because titsy flies are still all over the place. Titsy flies. Don't you have people at work for you that can get those? Like somebody owes you a big tab. Wait, wait.

You said work and you assume Bisbee has workers? Don't you have a vacuum you can throw away and just suck those things out of there? There's jalapenos in the bottom of your goddamn urinal. Look at your life. You got hooker money. My life is still a shambles. Why?

It's so silly. If you don't get that reference, well, you'll enjoy my new book. Everyone who doesn't enjoy my new book is people who, everyone who doesn't enjoy my new book is people who um i listen to every single thing you've ever said whether it was on your website podcast every special every interview so it's kind of rehashed material yeah i don't have a other secret life marlo marlo Angelo wrote five books. Seven. Seven books. I looked it up.

Seven autobiographies. Yeah. Seven autobiographies. And she's a poet. Yeah. You're a poet, and you keep thinking of new shit that's really interesting about yourself that you can write a new fucking book about.

Each verse gets worse. You just remembered something else about your life that you didn't write in the other six autobiographies? I forgot about the time I died bowling. And if you... This is the best swap cast ever. All right, let's take a break and we will be back after these messages. This episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast, sponsored by Blue Apron.

Less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron delivers all ingredients to create home-cooked meals with simple, easy-to-follow directions. This week, seared chicken and pan sauce with apple, kale, and potato hash. Hey, Tom, what did you cook this week? Well, it's funny you would ask that. Creamy shrimp spaghetti with broccoli and Meyer lemon. Meyer Lansky, that's why I like this dish. Creamy shrimp spaghetti. Meyer Lansky.

That's why I like this dish. Creamy scrimp spaghetti and Meyer Lansky. Who couldn't? It's a hit. A good hit. Not a bad hit. It's a Jew and Italian sauce. Hey-oh.

Mozza and Meyer. Hey, did you eat? Meyer Lansky. Yeah, Jew. That's true. Yeah, what did I eat? Doug, this is supposed to be a straight rate. Yeah, actually uh great the shrimp it was shrimp broccoli i actually ate that this morning as the only thing i ate i said i had nothing to eat i actually ate a piece of shrimp with broccoli

and a piece of pasta i'm like that's good's good. Now I'll start drinking. It worked. There it is. That's a testimonial. This is one thing I didn't know. It says two tablespoons of Q-U-A-R-K, of quark. Quark? Quark. Exactly.

Star Trek? Exactly. With a chaser of bosons. That is the whole point. It was creamy. The only reason I can sell this product is to impress a chick where you can say, oh, yeah, I cook.

I make quark. Yeah, and you're a quantum physicist. And you get to see if she's a next generation fan. I want anal. Exactly. He's a quark cooker. That's how Blue Apron works. You get anal.

No, you don't get it. You get to give me. Whoa, whoa. No promises. No promises. You get anal. No, you don't get it. You get to give me. No promises. No refunds. We're paying the way. We're not paying the way. He just thought you'd stick that in. Hi-oh. It was great. What did you think?

You had it? It was great. One thing that you and I noticed was they say salt and pepper to taste, which is, I've always done half at least. I as well. Even less. And it's still great. But it is to taste.

And then the shrimp, both you and I confirmed, this is how we both learned how to cook shrimp recently. Every time someone cooks for me and I just go immediately for the salt and pepper, they go, oh, no, we already salted. No, you didn't. Not for me. Never. I'm a fucking sodium queen.

Yes. I'm going to fucking dump a bunch. It's best to keep that as an option because you can not take away as we all know. But the shrimp and especially the fresh pasta, which the spaghetti you did, it's the regular dried. The last one was the fettuccine. It's like two minutes. No fucking way.

I'm like, you know what? Yeah. Listen, I listen i'm doing two fucking minutes yeah if this don't work there was two cauliflowers in a row where i thought i'm canceling yeah but i don't have to eat the cauliflower but we did the cauliflower pizza too which was amazing that was great yeah so yeah yes very good two cauliflowers in a row but But today is good broccoli, and they won me back. Yes, Blue Apron won me back with broccoli. Thank you, Shrimp, and thank you, Meyer Lansky. Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash Stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook.

Eddie, go. What? Are we recording? We're recording. Hey, you fucking assholes, don't forget merch. You know what? I have problems or whatever. I'm working on a book or bingos.

Might be a retard. All these problems, I forget. Yeah, Chaley sells the merch, so I forget to push it. So you have to buy it or we're going to go out of business like PBS every year. This is the telethon. What do you got, Chaley?

Actually, we have, it's called a mugshot... What the fuck is it called? It's a mugshot. No, it's a mugshot Boilermaker kit. Boilermaker. But it's with a coffee mug with the new logo for the podcast. A Boilermaker is where you have a pint of beer and a shot of whiskey.

Shot of whiskey. So the mug shot Boilermaker is the new Doug Stano podcast coffee mug and the new podcast shot glass. And you can get those right now as mug and the new podcast shot glass and you can get those right now as well as the as the new stickers we got new stickers sticker packs for the podcast and then we're also shilling for

hang on Chaley we have a giant thermometer for this telethon telethon and well right now we're right under how many sales it takes to keep you alive. Because, well, Tracy has the bronchitis, and you have had AIDS for however long. But you might stay.

Oh, wait, hang on. A couple of orders just canceled. Go ahead. Tell us what else. Well, if we cancel those two, then we're at four orders right now for the near the wild T-shirts. at four orders right now for the Near the Wild t-shirts. Near the Wild t-shirts are way better

than any other t-shirt I've ever had. That really is a great t-shirt, Near the Wild. I hate that. That's from Brett Brock. The only reason I even ordered white t-shirts, Doug, is because I knew I'd get one sale from you. And I'm comping your black t-shirts, but that's what people

buy, and i hate selling shit i don't sell material i don't like like i don't do a fucking bit about the i won't even say their name i just hate the fact that i said their name in public i believed it yep but i i sell black t-shirts because no one will buy fucking black t-shirts we've tried white t-shirts yeah but i i did i ordered the near the wild t-shirts in uh one will buy fucking black t-shirts we've tried white t-shirts yeah but i i did i ordered the near the wild t-shirts in uh black and white and they're for they're really good price on online right now so uh yeah please go to the it doesn't matter if it's a good price buy the fucking thing we do this for you you think we're fucking raking in cash by sitting here

drunk talking to you every fucking three times a week? No. No, we don't make a fucking nickel. Hey, I really appreciate the podcast. Then buy some fucking shit. Yeah, it's not like you lose here. You actually end up with the shirt you'll wear. Yeah, you actually will wear that one for sure.

Yeah, and... It's the greatest shirt I've ever seen. It is. I mean, I... And it makes you feel strong. Yeah. And vibrant again. Yeah, I mean, I... It makes you feel strong yeah vibrant again yeah i mean i it gives you a knuckle at the prostate this how much weight can a wood chuck chuck you'll know in this shirt not

fca approved oh and what else while supplies last oh oh you got it oh Christ We have about 30 hand drawn Pictures I'll read it one more time In case you drop this into another podcast Oh yeah Hi Doug God damn it 29 Hello Doug

One has a footprint Dear Doug I'm an English teacher At a university in Tokyo. My students are such mouth-breathing cretins that I gave up on any hope of teaching them a while back. Now we just do worksheets, barely one step away from word searches. One day I had them draw you in bingo.

He signs this as the best. Yours, Mr. Round Eye Salaryman. So he had all his students draw these crude pictures of me and Bingo. So the first 30 callers for merch on DougStanup.com slash merch, I'm guessing. No, it's DougStanup.com slash merch, I'm guessing. No, it's DougStanup.com slash store. And it's the first people to order either the mugshot...

This is the first fucking 30 people to give you money. How about that? No, they have to buy the Near the Wild t-shirt or the mugshot Boilermaker shirt. You get what might be the next Picasso. Yeah, and then you get that. And then it's framed once you put it in a frame.

On your own. Frame not included. It's a must-have. Thank you, Tokyo. Hey, I got someone on the line. Hey, caller, you there? Hello? Is that Kreischer? I bet it's Kreischer. It's John Norris.

It's John Norris. john norris from near the wild the great john norris he's the salmon in the shirt i was looking for my phone i was gonna going to get Chad Shank on the phone. I'm yelling into my phone. You should be. Good. Great. Hey, what are you guys doing?

Are you guys podcasting? Yeah, you fucking asshole. Swapcasting. What are you, a dick? You fucking sons of bitches. Hey, how's Costa Rica? Don't try to fucking replace me trying to record on Sundays without me.

Trying to replace me with some no-name comedian. Are you in Costa Rica? Because when I do important podcasts, I bring my co-host to Los Angeles to stay at Johnny Depp's house. And where are you? Are you in Flamingo or Brasolito? I'm not that important.

No, we got to get you down to Costa Rica now. I'm in. I'm waiting. I'm a backer pack. I'm actually in front of the airport right now waiting. That is great. See, this is how good this kid is. He's ready to go.

Hey, we'll give you a minute to flip the pancakes, and we'll be right back to you. I'm cooking right now. Is it Blue Apron? Blue Apron pancakes. Sure, if that works for your sponsor, yeah. The first three pancakes are free. I'm a team player, yeah.

I got a Blue Apron kit. It's fantastic. Hey, John blue apron kit. It's fantastic. Hey, John, be honest. What's the temperature right now? I'm in Anchorage, Alaska, where it is currently like one single degree. It doesn't matter which one at that point. Is it nine or one? I'm not going to the beach if it's only one.

That's the same number of balls Doug would have if he was there. You guys are the ones missing out. We're missing out. All right. Hey, John, it's a pleasure to have you on the podcast. Okay. The pancake's done. It's so great to be here, guys.

My garlic is burning, and this is Blue Apron garlic, so I got to go before it gets burnt. Ah, he got the plug in. He got a Blue Apron. Thank you for the plug, John Norris. The great John Norris. The great John Norris. John Norris, I will see you next week from Costa Rica.

I got to get out of Bisbee. I got to work here. This is horrible. Yeah. Get that roof fixed. See you guys later. Bye, John. That's the thing about the podcast.

It's exactly what we would be doing otherwise. Otherwise. We just have to talk into a microphone. Yeah, that's it. No, and that's... Fucking John. How cool is John? Do you mean talking to a Shure SM7B?

Uh-huh. Powered by a cloud filter and the Zions one. Greg, when you told me to buy microphones, why didn't you tell me to buy these? Well, because we were way low budget back then. Half of the time, you're on the fucking shore with your iPad going, hey, are we ready to do the podcast?

And every time you turn and I can hear the shore, it drowns out everything john and i are saying okay the one time i'm by the ocean the one time this is a guy who doesn't have a cell phone i know so yeah so i'm not gonna give him like 400 other mics no but yeah no i'm gonna yeah we'll we'll get that done yeah well i think evidently last night i was ready to go to costa rica because chaley said hey if you're gonna leave you're gonna leave me a credit card for i go if i said that i say that every fucking night it is really honestly every night there

is something and and i take it honestly like when he said hey we're gonna podcast at 12 30 tomorrow morning right no and but that's the thing is i get it i mean that's i'm at that point where i but like like this week we came in to go super bowl and then paint our house and we're like paint our house and it it's one of those things where our house is so cute i mean we're becky is giddy when you paint that house notice the corner because now you have a house in anchorage costa rica and here scaling no it's called the abc well i have i have three i have three houses just in three blocks when you paint that fucking house notice the corner you're painting yourself into. Mine's a lot easier because all my houses,

but you just go, I just want to fucking bulldoze this shit and go to Costa Rica and go to the spreader bar at the fucking Mariner and Flamingo and just write this book. Do tequila shots until somebody hits on you. I'm putting that fucking story in. Yeah.

Those two hookers. It's in the book. It's in the book. It's history. She won't read it. Look it up. Those fucking cops that were abusing those hookers. Yeah.

We paid them to go to our bar. We cock blocked them. Yeah. Cop blocked them. Cop blocked them. Ex-Chicago fucking cops that were just... And they were your typical stereotype... They were douchebags.

No, but they were your typical ugly American. And we... And we were supposed to be the ugly Americans. No, we weren't, though. We never were. I have a chapter on our ugliness. To be fair, like, when we... No, we were the pretty Americans going, hey.

No, but we still... But not you. But me and Costa Rica, Kevin. We did fuck them. But we paid, not you, but me and Costa Rica Kevin, we did fuck him. But we paid him more, and we were gentle. And Costa Rica Kevin still says it's the most beautiful woman he's ever fucked. And then that's when I said, yeah,

but you had to go after Doug. Yeah, that means. Oh, we fucked the same one? Because there were two. Yeah. You had to fuck the ugly one by the time you didn't know. The ladies remember the details. Yeah.

Oh, my God. You said them all, folks. But they were nice, and we ran into them later then. I know. Years later, we ran into them. Really? And we hung out with them, yeah. Yeah.

No, they were like, oh, Matt and Becky? Like, they remembered our names. It was amazing. Maybe you should just false name us. Let's back up for Tom and the listeners. I guess we should include them.

I missed something somewhere here. We were in Costa Rica fucking whatever, 10 years ago. And these two hookers were at this place in Flamingo, Costa Rica

on the Guanacast. And these two hookers came in early the same way we, you know, we start drinking at fucking 10 in the morning. They were really like us. And there's three retired Chicago cops. I don't know if we profiled them as that.

I know they were from Chicago from over here. They were. I think we. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. You have both said Chicago. Horseshoe bar. So we're across from them and it's just the

six of us. So you could hear each other's conversations. But you're not at the Flamingo, right? We're in Flamingo. We're in Flamingo. But you're not at the spreader bar. Not the bar we all know. We're at Flamingo. It's only Vegas. It's not in Flamingo. But you're not at the spreader bar. No. Not the bar we all know. The spreader bar.

The spreader bar. We're at a casino. Down near the water. Two hookers walk in, sit next down to these. Is this a joke? A fucking 16-year-old fucking. Not to them at that moment. Chicago ex-retired cops.

Crew cuts. Yeah. Fucking assholes. The Bears. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. The Bears. Oh, dude dude you nailed it right there

you just put a fucking mental picture yeah it's good and they're just uh remember the whole theory about how they would uh like old fucks we're those old fucks now but they would go down and do these fishing cruises and get a picture of themselves on a fishing boat to tell their wife yeah I was out fishing but they never went fishing

they get these fake pictures are you serious? they would just drive enough out of the harbor that you didn't see other boats? No, they got fish hanging, and you just stand with it, and you get a picture, and then you get back in your car,

and you go where you're going. But they're so... They were just rude. But I've had a lot of prostitutes, and I was always the guy that thought that it was okay. Actually, this is in the book, too, so I'll fucking slow it down. Wait, which book?

The new one I'm fucking writing. Tentative title. I was never rude to any of them because I assume that everyone is these kind of assholes. And they're like, how about $10? Elbowing each other.

Just mocking these fucking girls. So we gave them whatever their rate was. You said like $80? You said, if you leave right now, I'll give you $80. Then what? They're going to pay you. Because they're lowballing all day. They're lowballing all day.

Just come and hang out with us. Just go to ourballing already. Just come and hang out with us. Just go to our bar. Just come and hang out with us. Yeah, that's cool. I was going to say how magnanimous of you. And then I fucked her. Well, I paid her more to fuck me. Sure, I get it. But here's the deal.

Doc just had his CD out. Which one? That's the first trip. That's in the book, too. But, Tom, this is the same mentality that we used to have in telemarketing. Well, if we didn't fuck him over, somebody else would. There you go. And I used to battle this in the book with hookers. Back then, i used to think

she'll be happy to have me because i'm not that fucking dick asshole she yeah doesn't want to fuck anyone for money she came up from columbia because costa ricans are too boring to fuck so all the costa rican prostitutes are Brazilian Colombian yeah Argentine yeah they're not Colombian they're not Costa Rican Costa Rican what's that they're trolls sounds like a lot of nice ass

they're boring people it's in the fucking lonely Turkish rug salesman in the bazaar after 17 years I've refused to learn Spanish just so I don't have to hear the same story over and over. Lonely Planet is like a hippie's guide to backpacking across for fucking hippies. The fucking Into the Wild guy probably read red lonely planet and they say that costa

rica's are the most dullard fucking boring people so when a the most liberal travel guide spells out yeah they have to import brazilians and colombians and Argentinians to fuck you. But I still think it was very nice that we fucked them. Yeah. No, it's good. And the thing is, like I said, two years later, we ran into them. They remember Becky and I's name. And they hung out with us. And we sat and drank with them.

And there was some guy that was in love with one of them. Knew his name, too. Get back on the mic. Yeah. And it was one of those things where you go that's actually the culture we go down to is the fact that we don't care they're prostitutes or whatever the point was is two years later they're like ah becky like oh my god becky goes do you know who that is i go no and i go that's the ones that dug in in costa rica kevin

costa rica kevin sent me pictures I had to call him for this book. I got pictures. I got pictures. He's got the pictures. Every book I have to call people. I go, hey, Kevin, I don't want to chat. I just need a fact check. And then he sent me pictures.

So I have them in my hotmail if you want to see them before you leave. Yeah. Becky, you seem like you're leaving. But I just want to ask, before you leave. It's very important you fact check all these stories. No. Because the vacuum cleaner story, I'm putting in the book. Yeah, it's going in the book.

No one has a picture of that, but you have nine. Nine witnesses. We have nine witnesses. Yeah. No one believes a vacuum cleanerabricks salesman story. So I just want to ask to close this out. When you ran into those two girls, did they ask about me? Yeah, they said.

I went first. They did. They said, how's Doug? No fucking way. How's Doug? How's Doug? She's playing. Como estas, Don? They really did ask, how's Doug? Really? way. How's Doug? She's playing. Como estas, Don?

They really did ask, how's Doug? Really? You're lying. No, they said, how's Doug? But this is the thing about Costa Rica. They were doing the finger gesture. You know, pequeño. How's Doug?

Muy pequeño. So listen, it's supposed to be a joke. I know. You're lying. I know. We're not lying. And the other one is, is you remember Brie? Like I said, last year when we were going into the steakhouse.

Like everybody tells us, it's telling the truth. And Samara, or Samurai, whatever you want to call it. But we were going in and somebody goes, Matt? And I turn around and go, who? Holy fuck. It's Brie. She's coming out of the restaurant and we're going in. And we talked for about 10, 15 minutes.

That sounds fucking good. And she was in the Israeli army. You know what she said, Doug? You know what she said? How's Doug? Oh, that's right. You said that the other day. You're right.

You said that the other night when we were looking through your Bible. Well, Tom Kanopka that is here with me, word and edgewise, on this Swapcast. Yeah, I broke out uh photo album that was 1990 well actually it starts at the beginning of my life but it ends at 94 was unbelievable so tom knopp and becker both of our lives early lives overlap fuck the pictures of you guys they are amazing

Doug whipped out this thing Matt you gotta write a book brother my husband is so handsome in those pictures thank you it all started with Aunt Jemima oh the Aunt Jemima photo

that should be a fucking t-shirt well I have a picture of it. I go, you have a picture? That should be a t-shirt. That is merch fucking extraordinary. I had to go in the fucking crawl space. Don't say that. And just go through every tub trying to find where I put my fucking photo albums.

And then I finally found it after 35 minutes you're out here talking. And then I brought the photo album out. Oh, my God. Fergie from our telemarketing days. Finally found it after 35 minutes you're out here talking. I got it. And then I brought the photo album out. Oh, my God. Fergie from our telemarketing days. I couldn't believe it. Mikey Grites. Jesus Christ.

We're in Japan. We're in fucking Butte, Montana. God damn. Weddings in Worcester. Parvo the dog. Sault Ste. Marie. Humpleg Nester. That was the one thing that I wrote that down. the dog Sue St. Marie hump leg nester that was the one thing

that I wrote that down but what was amazing was Doug's memory so we've been up drinking all night everything all of a sudden he's like

oh remember remember Bob Kalowski that was a door guy from fucking Knucklehead that moved to Phoenix and I go what that was a one night fucking thing yeah i'm like i'm because i don't know any of this because i'm i'm on the outside looking in really

was getting the names like but all of you all of you had some kind of connection to that book that you ended up bringing out i have fucking tears in my eyes yeah it's pretty good yeah it's fun watching that chaley time travel i've been staying in a little house because it's close right here. And Chaley evidently is the guy that filled up the DVR with movies. And Jekyll and Hyde. Which one? 1931. Oh.

Lon Chaney Jr. The one prior to Spencer Tracy. And then prior to. It's 1931 and Lon Chaney Jr. is not in it. No, it's Lon Chaney. It's not. I wouldn't fucking tell. I got 20 bucks. 10 grand.

There was a couple of them. 10,000 Coloni. 10,000 Coloni. Spencer Tracy was in one of them. Tell your dumb story. 10,000 Coloni. Yeah, 10,000 Coloni. Lon Chaney. But there's a couple of them. You your dumb story. 10,000 Coloni. Yeah, 10,000 Coloni. Lon Chaney.

But there's a couple of them. You got to determine. Yes. The first, the second, or the third. 1931. 1931. 1931. All right, 31 has to be Lon Chaney.

I'm going Chaney. It sounds like it. It's not. Spencer Tracy would have been later. Of course it is. Yeah. There's only a few things in the world. Spencer Tracy would have been

the son of a baby. While he looks it up, my point was that in the book, I have a Jekyll and Hyde memory where when I'm really drunk, I remember things that I would never remember if I wasn't really drunk. Right. And that was last night. Yeah. Fucking hammered.

Dude, you were great. Oh, I remember every fucking thing. You remember every fucking person's name. It it really was and it was gold yeah and and this morning when my fucking hands were shaking so bad that i you couldn't remember if you took your it's all how do you want your martini uh there's only one way it's gonna be shaken hey there's no way to get stirred at this yeah so he's a mover a shaker yeah but that was incredible You always joke, my memory's shit Your memory's not shit

It's the 30s That's black and white, it's almost silent Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, 1931 The only one made Frederick March I was thinking of the one, the remake But there were others Of course there were

hang on I'll go I'll go five names down on the IMDB Poole Margaret Poole P-O-O-L-E oh Margaret Poole

I fucking jacked to her she was also I need hardcore to jack but I jacked to her she's the one that fucking Hyde actually kills I Margaret Poole you're right because she's also in the one with Betty Davis.

Ida something. Lupino. There's only five names in the fucking credits. You're confusing it. You're now citing the production I was talking about. No, it's from 1930. It's the same one because Poole is Edgar Norton did you jack to Edgar Norton did you jack to Edgar Norton

is that Ed Norton the character Poole she's the fifth character go down five one two three four five Hallowell Hobbs as Brigadier General Sir Danvers Curwoo

give me the goddamn thing. You think I'm lying? No, but I'm saying then go down more than five. Scroll. I think she was. Well, then there's Edgar Norton as Poole and Tempe Pigo as Mrs. Hawkins. Pigo. P-I-G-O-T-T.

Did I just spell that backwards? Yeah. Go back. I think I spell that backwards? Go back. I think I spelled that backwards. Pig out like Merlot. I don't know what you want me to do. I think I spelled that backwards. Yeah.

We're scrolling forward. I don't know. But that's the one. She's the blonde. Yeah, the blonde. It's black and white. They're either blonde or black haired. Okay. And Doug is. Fat tits. It's black and white. They're either blonde or black haired. Okay.

And Doug is saying fat tits. Oh, that's definitely Edgar Norton. It was not Frederick March. She was a fucking drunk whore. If you're jacking to Frederick March, Douglas, it's over. I've met a million times on the road that goes, yo, come on, fuck me. I got to, I got to.

That's why I started doing this. I don't know why I stopped. Was it good for you? So you basically watch old movies and jerk off? To Frederick March. It was a very strange event. Black and white jerking is very naughty. It's a lot trickier than it seems.

Yeah. That's what made Betty Bates so famous. There's an art to it. Becky Becker's left. The podcast's an art to it Becky Becker's podcast is over the great Becky Becker that's right hey this is the

near the wild podcast and the Doug Stano podcast swap swap cast our guest Tom Konopka Becky Becker Greg Chaley

as it's pronounced and it used to be Becky Becker until she just left and then Matt Becker the great Matt Becker, Greg Chaley, as it's pronounced. And it used to be Becky Becker until she just left. And then Matt Becker. The great Matt Becker. We doubled up on that. Well, we have a house now. The great Becker. I didn't have to say Matt Becker.

It's the Near the Wild podcast. Swapcast. It's our podcast. He doesn't have his name in the title. It's his fucking... We have garbage service here. What do you mean? I don't know my name.

It's a few students. You're still out of cancel. Yeah, I canceled it.. Yeah, canceled it. I stopped your dumpster. Inside joke. All right, let's play this out with Colleen Kotick. Oh, nice. Bam.

Boom. Doom. Wonder Years. He's Wonder Years. He's a fucking player. Fucking makes me cry. It's like these demons in my head are seeking permanent oasis. Lounge chairs in my psyche, some burn my brain. A bull's a cool tantrum for your adamant attention.

Then look away, say the wrong words, downplay what I really mean. Na-na-na-na-yeah. Na-na-na-na-yeah. words downplay what I really mean. She said I'm the impatient, no it's always followed through for all but me. I'm the wide-eyed storyteller with arrested child beliefs. I writing one thousand times On my mental blackboard I will not disrespect the teacher I will not disrespect the teacher I will not disrespect myself These are my wonder years

What do I give them? A toy with crayons Singing traffic At the top of my lungs All my wonder years How do I live them? I dance around Together

World grows All my love Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, When it's time to change your mind On something as important as this Give a little resource to the time It takes, appreciate All the things given to you Seemingly on your silver spoon Just a little bit of me These are my wonder years

What will I give them? I'll fold my arms behind my head And bear the shapes in my class When these are my wonder years how will I see them she said I can't say I'm making sandcastles to live in my

to die to die to die to die to die to die to die to die Hey, yeah Hey, yeah Na, na, na, yeah Hello, this has been another episode of the Doug Stanhope.

Hold on, just do it straight off. No, keep that. I'll just... That's Foster Brooks, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. This has been another episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast, sponsored by Blue Apron. Less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron delivers all ingredients

to create home-cooked meals with simple, easy-to-follow directions and pictures. This week, seared chicken and pan sauce with apple, kale, and potato hash. You say. Hey, Tom, what did you cook this week? Hey, Tom, what did you cook this week? This wasn't rehearsed. Well, it's funny you would ask that.

Creamy shrimp spaghetti with broccoli and Meyer lemon. Meyer Lansky. That's why I like this dish. Creamy shrimp spaghetti and Meyer Lansky. That's why I like this dish. Creamy scrimp spaghetti and Meyer Lansky. Who couldn't? It's a hit. A good hit. Not a bad hit.

It's a Jew in Italian sauce. Hey-oh. It's like a matzah in Meyer. Hey, did you eat? Meyer Lansky. Yeah, Jew. That's true. Yeah, what did I eat?

Doug, this is supposed to be a straight read. Yeah, it was actually great. The shrimp, it was shrimp, broccoli. I actually ate that this morning as the only thing I ate. I said I had nothing to eat. I actually ate a piece of shrimp with broccoli and a piece of pasta. I'm like, that's good. Now I'll start drinking.

It worked. There it is. That's a testimonial. This I'm like, that's good. Now I'll start drinking. It worked. There it is. That's a testimonial. This is one thing I didn't know. It says two tablespoons of Q-U-A-R-K, of quark. Quark? Quark. Exactly.

Star Trek? Exactly. With a chaser of bosons. That is the whole point. It was creamy. The only reason I can sell this product is to impress a chick where you can say

oh yeah I cook I make quark yeah and you're a quantum physicist and you get to see

if she's the next generation I want anal exactly he's a quark cooker that's how blue apron works you get anal no you don't get it.

You get to give me. Whoa, whoa. No promises. No promises. No refunds. We're paying the way. We're not paying the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He just thought you'd stick that in. Hi-oh. Thanks for it. It was great. What did you think? You had it? It was great. And one thing that you and I noticed was they say salt and pepper to taste,

It's great. And one thing that you and I noticed was they say salt and pepper to taste, which is I've always done half at least. I as well. Even less. And it's still great. But it is to taste. And then the shrimp, both you and I confirmed,

this is how we both learned how to cook shrimp recently. Every time someone cooks for me and I just go immediately for the salt and pepper, they go, oh, no, we already salted. No, you didn't. Not for me. Never. I immediately for the salt and pepper they go oh no we already salted no you didn't not for me I'm a fucking sodium queen I'm gonna fucking dump a bunch it's best to keep that as an option because you can not take away as we all know the shrimp and especially the fresh pasta

which the spaghetti you did isn't it's the regular dry but the fresh fettuccine it's like two minutes like no fucking way i'm like you know what yeah listen i'm doing two fucking minutes yeah if this don't work there was two cauliflowers in a row where i thought i'm canceling yeah but i don't have to eat the cauliflower but we did the cauliflower pizza too which was amazing that was great yeah so yeah yes very good and all the flowers in a. But today is good broccoli and they won me back.

Yeah. Yes, Blue Apron won me back with broccoli. Thank you, Shrimp. And thank you, Meyer Lansky. Get your next three meals for free at blueapron.com slash Stan Hope. Do it one more time, but enunciate. You got whore down, but enunciate. You got whore down but enunciate. Thank you, Mr. Stanhope.

I got my whore down. She's fucking great. Becky, you are fucking fantastic. Just get your next... Ready? Get your next first three meals. Hold on.

No? If you saw Chad and I doing the book on tape. Oh, my God. No. Take 17, literally. For a sentence. The read is, get your next three meals. Get your first three.

Get your first three meals. Just go over the top. I'm going to drip it. I am going to be like moonlight pouring over your bed. Exactly the read I want. Alright, you ready?

I'm ready. I'm ready. I'm laying back. I'm going to wait for it. Alright, i'm coming at you here it comes get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope in my butt butt read that last one clean hold on wait all right and then up yeah yeah blue apron a better way to cook no go dominatrix on that blue apron a better way to cook i got it blue apron a better way to cook motherfucker one more time on the blue apron a better way to cook, motherfucker. One more time on the blue apron, a better way to cook.

Go up on the better. All right. Blue apron, a better way to cook.