The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #198: Super Bowl Weekend Clusterfuck Podcast pt.03 - Morgan Murphy

Episode Date: February 28, 2017

The Super Bowl Weekend Clusterfuck Podcast Part 03 - The night wraps up with comic Morgan Murphy and everyone else still standing. In the episode - The Cave House, Girls Gone Exploited, and Doug confirms an opener for the upcoming road dates. Recorded Feb. 03, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), Tom Konopka (@realTomKonopka), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Brett Erickson (@iBrettmypants), Mat Becker (@Houdini357), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Closing song, "Bandit", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes. LINKS: - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/ - Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Ladies and gentlemen! Hey, Erickson, go start a fire! It was always burning. The world's been turning. No, he's saying be the Pied Piper. I'm glad that you and I still communicate. We do. We do.

We're like old women. I know what you're holding in your bridge hand. Don't be too proud of that one. It was pretty fucking obvious. I'm surprised Erickson didn't get it. The fire would really actually help. It's already set up. It's just...

I'll start a fire. But people that's just... I'll start a fire. But people that are... Before I actually start a fire, I want to make sure that that wasn't a metaphor for something else. No, it's not a metaphor. Because, hey, I started that fire you told me about. There's a lot of boxes, Brett, out,

and you can start that. And people that are too drunk to not talk over the podcast will go, oh, fire. We call them bartenders. Is that right? Hello. Oh, fire. We call them bartenders. Is that right? Hello. Remember, they're only bartenders if they serve you.

Let's go. We're striking. This is probably... There's a strike. We're striking at a bar that serves drinks for free. We're not marching. We can just go behind the bar.

You know that, right? Yeah, but then we'd have to serve ourselves. Wait, hold on a second. What's in a rum and Coke? God damn it. Shit, I forgot the ice. Google it. Google it.

Our guest tonight is Morgan Murphy. Hi. What's happening? On the panel, Greg Chaley, Chad Shank, in still a reasonable mood. Matt Becker, all the way from Alaska via Costa Rica. Yeah, he travels hemispheres. ABC. There's not a hemisphere!

Costa Rica's a little bit higher than the hemisphere. Thank you, Twitter. Well, let's let that go. The Big Dipper's actually upside down down there. It is. Did you see, I'm the only one here who's seen this. Is it Khloe Kardashian? One of the Kardashians put a picture up from Costa Rica

and then tweeted, island life. Well, yeah. We did that. We did that with World Cup. When we were in... Khloe who? One of the Kardashian ladies. I think it's Khloe, right?

Khloe, Kourtney... We did that at World Cup where I was tweeting, hey, we're in Montana. I said, hey, Costa Rica is the only American team still in the World Cup. Why is no one watching at this bar? Can't wait for the next match.

Yeah, because we were watching. There's three levels of fuck with. USA just got knocked out. USA got knocked out. No, America was still in it. Costa Rica beat them 6-0. This is World Cup. I follow the World Cup.

Olympics. The Olympics. This is World Cup. Costa Rica beat them 6-0. What are we talking about? I have no idea what the fuck you guys are talking about. I'm just watching Matt Becker eat peanuts into the microphone. And not get paid for it.

All I know is Morgan Murphy finally got on the podcast and I interrupted her with a long-winded story about nothing. No, you didn't. Hey, look, there's a fire. Oh, look, everyone's fired. I was like, ah, my boyfriend played in the NFL. Then it was over. Then you moved on.

It was appropriate. Well, it had played in the NFL. Then it was over. Then you moved on. It was appropriate. Well, it had to happen. It's a fact. It is a fact. Well, it was a good lead-in to the Gabe thing, but that was like 18 podcasts ago. Oh. Yeah, that's the thing.

We're doing this all in one night in a row. I don't know how people... I don't listen to the podcast. Am I supposed to? I feel bad now to say that. I don't listen to the podcast I feel bad now to say that I don't listen to podcasts except if I'm on the road and uh we used to listen to Bill Burr

but then I would do Bill Burr on my podcast we would listen to just endless okay we haven't been on the road since October and now it's February let's listen to every Bill Burr in the road, and all of a sudden, go fuck yourself is coming out of me.

Super entertaining. I saw somebody go up the other night, unnamed human being, and as I was watching him, I was like, oh, he's doing unnamed human being. It was like, and they're both well-known people, but I just thought it's so interesting how one comedian can take on another comedian's kind of persona. Well, I don't know where I talked. Colin Quinn, tough crowd. They all kind of shared.

Yeah. Saturday Night Live. Me and Becker here and Andy, you hang out around long enough, you take on the go fuck yourselves or whatever you say. It's a sarcasm level, but... You have fucking... Zero jaw fucking tough crowd.

They would all take on each other's personas to an extent. That's why I like Norm Macdonald. But I think people take on the persona of the person who does it. He's like... Colin is effortless in the way he talks, and it's hard to not do Colin around Colin. It's hard not to do Burr around Burr, Norm,

people who are the most authentic versions of that character. It sounds like Norm Macdonald. Oh, yeah, for sure. Well, there is someone that sounds like Norm Macdonald that I didn't realize until later on. You're drunk. It was Norm Macdondonald that i didn't realize till later on but you're drunk it was norm mcdonald he just didn't recognize you all right who notices that dan tosh sounds like a tight sean rouse with a little less of the fucking if you know Sean Rouse and nobody does and it's not like he stole

that Sean Rouse is fucking have you ever seen I love Sean he's a hidden talent he's got that darkness but he's sparkled it up enough that he can play it on TV and I don't think he's

at all derivative of Sean Rouse DT Tosh has.T. Tosh has been D.T. Tosh since before he was Dan Tosh I'm not seeing it if I showed it to you you'd notice he's got that

evil but it's ready for television Rouse have you ever. Rouse? Not. Have you ever seen Rouse? Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. I've seen him. Oh, yeah, I've seen him. We saw him plenty up at Coots. I saw him without a lifeguard. Remember when I followed the blood trail up the steps? Yeah. We saw a human organ pumping out the side of a man's head.

Hey, you guys. It's in the book. All right. You guys stay here in the kitchen. I'm going to go see if there's someone in the bedroom. Yeah, he's in the bedroom. That pillow has to be thrown away. He's bleeding all over.

He had to chase Sean Rouse with a fucking pizza box when he's trying to piss in a fucking air conditioner in a hotel room that he thought it was a bathroom. Common mistake. I actually cut this part out of my book because I'd have to explain Sean Rouse and like... Costa Mesa.

We were in Costa Mesa. He turned on his toilet to high. So, Chaley has to carry him. And 72 degrees. Are you going on the road with me? Is that going on? I think... Is it? It can now because I got nothing to do. I got the thing I was working on for years dead.

We talked about this on the last podcast is I don't know what to pay you. And this is the reason why. I said pay me what you pay a homeless person. Like pay me whatever you'd pay anybody. A dark glance? Yeah. The last homeless person here got a tent and a carrot up their ass. You might want to be careful with that.

That's on my Christmas list. I couldn't. That'd be exciting. I texted you. I said I wanted to rent a yurt tonight. I saw a yurt. There's a yurt on the way to your house. That's why I had to call you and go, fuck, is she really going to try to?

We're not in Portland. Well, I have an Airbnb that I'm not even going to use tomorrow because Hennigan's not here. Right, but is it a yurt? It was a yurt. It was an opportunity to stay in a yurt. Yeah, but you're a drunk like us. You're going to drive from a yurt?

There's no local yurts. No, I was going to stay in the yurt. There was a local yurt. It was around Tombstone. I wanted to stay in the yurt. Tombstone is 26 miles away. Yeah, and then I would call in. I don't know.

Craigslist to ride. And you don't even know if it's a real yurt. What if it's just a fake yurt? One of those cardboard yurts, and then he kills you. You know, that whole scam. One of those yurts with no support. What if Cedric doesn't want to fucking not drink tomorrow night, and he can't drive you 26 miles to a yurt? That was the backstory to Paper Moon, by the way.

I feel like it's not that hard to get someone for some amount of cash to drive you from Tombstone to Bisbee. Oh! Doug stands out on his curb every morning and waves cash for someone to do something. I think what you don't understand, what I figured out, is the people that live between Tombstone and Bisbee are the ones who thought you could get a ride.

out is the people that live between Tombstone and Bisbee are the ones who thought you could get a ride. They started off that way. They're now the ones offering rides. We'll give you a ride. They were amazingly confident when they started this journey. And they had shoes.

Are you going to buy a house here or not? I want to buy that compound with you guys. We tried to start this buying the cave house. Norm was in. Norm MacDonald was in. Explain the cave house. The cave house, there's a famous cave house outside of Bisbee. It's Bisbee proper.

The mail comes to Bisbee. But it's a cave house house it's this huge underground estate cut into the hill yeah people will pause the podcast and google search bisbee cave house but i thought why don't we get this league of extraordinary gentlemen of comedians and get fucking rogan rogan's the one who brought it up to, hey, I saw that cave house years ago. Yeah. You, Rogan, Norm, Bert,

want it in? Bert Kreischer? Kreischer's definitely in. I don't know if I'd be more offended at this house if I got raped or didn't get raped. You guys, I'm still here. Is it really 50-50? Yeah, yeah. I think I would be happy you guys I'm still here is it really 50 is it 50 50

yeah yeah I'd be so I think I would be happy like two months in and three months in and I'd be like you guys

I've fucking tried how am I not rapable at this point it's just I bought in Bilderberg what's

Alex Jones's one the other that's a good example oh Bohemian Grove Bohemian Grove. Bohemian Grove kind of comic retreat. Oh, I thought you meant Jim Jones. That's what I was thinking.

Well, that'll be later. Jonestown, absolutely. That's the last scene of the play. Ron Jones. Ron Jones. 100 grand apiece. 100 grand apiece. You had five or six?

So what do you got to have? So we had Rogan never committed yeah he's the one that brought it up to me years ago that it was for sale I go yeah

it's always been for sale everyone in Bisbee knows it's for sale wouldn't he do it just to shut you up though like alright I'll do it yeah

he's got 100 grand maybe maybe he also dismissed you like a lunatic when Burt Kreischer brought it up on his podcast because I was watching that

and I remember texting you going, holy shit, Burt Kreischer just brought up your fucking cave house on the Rogan podcast. I didn't,

I didn't, I didn't hear about it. First I heard of it right now. No, you did. You texted me back but you just don't remember. Oh, I don't remember. Either way,

it's still a good idea. And I still have a hundred grand I can put into a fucking cave house. Well, you did. You texted me back, but you just don't remember. Oh, I don't remember. Either way. Oh, it must have been after 5 o'clock. And I still have 100 grand I can put into a fucking cave house for... And this was Rogan. Fuck you, Rogan. Call me a crazy person. This was your idea. I haven't even called you one. Was the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen of Comedy,

where you have all the comics. Yeah, Bill Burr. We can talk about what we make and see how the bookers might be fucking us. You brought this up in Podcast 193. Oh, we can help with tags. That's a fun one. This was the whole point of Morgan Murphy.

I didn't want to insult you, but I said, why doesn't she open for you? I'm like, but I'm editing the fucking podcast. I'm like, you're not an opener. No, I am an opener. I'm a proud opener. But you would be on the tour. But he made a valid point.

It's like, no one says the money. No, I'm not emotionally a headliner. But no one says the money is the weird thing. This is why you guys need a comedy union, it sounds like. I like to open. I like to hang out with my friends. I don't like to go

out alone. I don't have the disposition for it. It's not good for me. I'd rather open for a friend than headline alone. We kind of tested that on the whole. We're all headliners at Second City. Where everyone's a headliner. You know, Chris Farley died here.

You want some nachos? I have no idea what that means. On the tour, the last, well, the only two tours we did last year. Well, I opened, the conversation opened with, I would love you to do that tour, but I wouldn't know what to pay you. And it extrapolated to, well, if after we did the End of the World podcast, like, you guys going to it all tour together and jim joe rogan and bill burr and fucking everyone in burke christ people thought i ruined that podcast i got some shit for that podcast because i was the only one who came in first of

all i had been drunk since florida and also i wait... Wait, wait, wait. Since Florida? Since Florida results came in. Like, the minute Florida started coming in, I started drinking. And then by California, I was... I shouldn't have been in public. That being said, I came in with the most earnest, pseudo-feminist, pessimistic point of view about the election results.

And I kind of did a version of a very general non-comedic version of it's going to be terrible and everything's racist and awful for women and I got shut down so are by Burr who by the way he will show you I'm not going to win against Burr

I'm not even trying to not unless you take your shirt off I was having feelings and I just having I was having feelings and I'm sorry I was having feelings and people were like you ruined that podcast I got such shit for it but I came in because I was the only one who came in hang on hang on

I thought everyone would be miserable she got two tweets probably that made her think that everyone thought that. I got those tweets. You ruined it because I was drunk. And fucking who cares about your wife?

It's like, want to drag your personal shit into the election stand. Yeah, at least it took time to write. I get one tweet and I go, hey, Doug, everyone's saying. We all do that. But it's not like the audience for that podcast is a bunch of girls going like, you did it, sister. Like, it's not. Those aren't the people listening to that pod.

Oh, really? It was honestly one of the funniest things I've ever listened to. I listened to it over and over. It's actually really funny every time. There was one chick that everybody... That's what I was going to say. It went off course. I didn't want to say anything.

Is it a comedian? I don't want to say that. No, no, no. No name. Buckjorn Anchor, she played a couple... But I had a blast. Honestly, that night saved my night. I was beyond miserable. And even being around saved my night. Like, I was beyond miserable.

And even being around people who were less miserable than me was fine. Like, I didn't need to co-commiserate. I just needed to be around other people who were laughing about something. I thought I was laughing about, like... I kind of did. I was coming in the same place. Yeah. It was a thing where, like...

At least you didn't bring a baby. Did someone show her how to pick her seat up so she doesn't look like she's at the fucking kids table thanksgiving i'll stand i'll stand i'll stand no no you're good now you can sit i didn't know i thought you wanted to sit that way i didn't know a lot of people did that was an interesting thing being there uh and i mean aside from the Marilyn Manson thing. That's the last thing I remember. What happened? I don't remember.

That was earlier than what you were doing. Like, you put a barbecue, and then you add Marilyn Manson to your barbecue. That ups it, right? And there was this, he was backstage, like, mugging for photos and stuff. And, like, management is calling his. At what point do we tell uh i don't know what's going on good management was calling the road manager to say get him the fuck out oh when these guys were calling for marilyn manson to come out on stage that's right manson's management was like i'm like how do they fucking know what's going on here we're in a club

people are tweeting and texting and Maryland's not going out and Burt Kreischer's coming back through the fucking thing and I finally go hey listen we're done look at that guy see that guy kneeling next to Marilyn Manson that guy isn't going to let anyone get near him

Doug I'm going to say his name. His road manager. I have no idea. Ex-military fucking, you ain't fucking with him. And Bert Kreischer goes, come on, man, get out there. I go, hey, just settle down. This ain't going to happen.

See the guy in the crouch stance? Let's get back to the point. Before we keep going, I'm not saying any names. Yeah, it was cathartic for a lot of us or not but that was so much fun and everyone kept tweeting oh you're gonna take this on the road and do this podcast which would be so much easier than writing comedy if me and you and Bill Burr and fucking Rogan could just go do live podcasts for the same amount of money also Morgan only for yes I I I didn't I don't know where that fucking I was I was gonna say from another point of view yeah I remember I don't remember a whole bunch of it but I remember there was you got into kind of like a serious argument with Sam Tripoli, I think.

Oh, no. Sam Tripoli commented on my ass. And you guys had a moment. But I didn't have an argument. I have to say it's the least feminist thing to say ever. But there's almost never a time where someone gives me a compliment but i don't take it as a compliment like i don't like it's like i know what a compliment is i know i'm supposed to be offended but at the same time it's like a good thing about me like i'm not that's

that's someone says a good thing about you what i wanted to say was i don't you might not have seen it because you were involved in the conversation, but while that was happening, Stan Hope, you probably don't remember this either, but Stan Hope decided to give a shirtless Bert Kreischer a lap dance that was one of the most graphic lap dances that I've ever seen in my life. I think I sucked his nipples. You went down in between his legs. Oh, I didn't say that.

And I knew you didn't. That's why I wanted to tell you. It was a serious conversation. I was consumed by someone saying something nice about me. We need to stop this. No one needs to say something nice. He actually sent me an apology text, which was very nice,

but I was flattered. Thank you. We don't have to apology text each other when we're drunk and assholes, are we? I marched on Washington with a half a million women. I fucking believe in my shit, but I also like... Were you headlining? No, it's so funny to me like i not to get off topic but i get so mad because i'm so far left like politically in so many ways except that i do believe that we should be able

to be politically incorrect in our speech and our verbiage and like and like tell fucking jokes so it's so hard to be on both sides of the thing where you're like yeah i'm a fucking feminist i think we should make as much money and I think that we shouldn't be discriminating against and fucking let people in this country who are well-meaning. And also thank you for saying I have a nice ass in the middle of the podcast. I appreciate it. That's why she's here.

Yes. I'll use sexist. We were on the road where Andy and I, Andy Andrist, we're like, oh, this sounds like jokes you would usually make

where you go, this sounds so Trumpy. Like maybe it's, and writing the book where I'm telling old stories that are, this might not, Trump might have ruined my comedy. I might, I'm reading old fucking stories where I said it funny, Trump says it serious, and now I'm like,

oh, fuck, can I put this in the book or I'm going to look like a Trumpy guy? We were talking about that. We've talked about this for fuck's sake. We've talked about this since Trump, there's no way he's going to be president. Burn it now because there's no way

he's going to be president. This is the only way this is going to play is because it's leading up to him losing. You should have listened to Near the Wild. I remember comics saying that, right, it would at least be funny making the joke, it would at least be funny for Trump

or whatever, so it's an unintended consequence. I read an article yesterday of, oh fuck, the guys who make South Park, I forget the guy's name. Trey Parker and Matt Stone.' names Trey Parker Matt Stone yeah Trey Parker they had an article and they said

we can't we can't satire Donald Trump he's beyond satire we don't know how to make it Teflon funnier than what

he's already said we can't we're just gonna tell the truth yeah we can't make it more extreme than what he's already done I thought that was funny it goes

it goes back to your thing we used to do with, like, the car company gave me cancer or whatever. It hurts. Yeah, it hurts. It hurts to rape my baby. But that's it. He's actually done it. So now you're, no one believes me.

It's, but just the whole climate. I mean, the comedy climate that everyone bitched about with the rape jokes are never funny, all that shit. Well, that was all internal comedy. Now that it's an external conversation about grabbing pussies and stuff, I'm like,

I'm reading some of my old shit I wrote that I'm rewriting into the book going oh in this day and age I'd throw nigger out randomly like hey

you want a bitch about my hair nigger please but now oh don't just like little things any fucking girls gone wild talk about the fat girls that would show up early to get on girls

gone wild and they'd go are you getting this? are you filming this? and they're pulling their tops up and they're going well the red light's not on and the camera guy's going don don't worry, we got it. And I'm like, well, it's so anti. Hey, fat lady just showed up.

Hey, Doug, do you remember calling me from, I don't remember where you were at. You were on a Girls Gone Wild shoot and you were huddled up in a fetal position telling me how horrible, you were like like you you were upset about what was going on yeah i just remember that now when you said like uh the girl i i i i you weren't a sweet i had i just had just a a half paragraph that I put later in the book because I know from the first book how lawyers are going to fuck you. And I go, I bet there was an assistant somewhere to Bill Cosby in the 70s

that said, I wish I had spoken out. God bless those employees. And I distanced that from the Joe Francis. And I distanced that from the Joe Francis. But I hope anyone who is on Girls Gone Wild that didn't have a good experience would start the chain. You called me and said, I am so disgusted by everything that I've witnessed that I don't know what to do. But he didn't call you collect?

No. All right. You went up to your room and you sat there and you're like, I can't, I don't know what to do. I don't know. Mike, don't call me. Hey, bro. We have some property in Costa Rica. Costa Rica!

Did you become like a... Hey, Jenny's here! Jenny's here! Doug, did you become like sympathetic like towards the girl? Like was it like heartbreaking? No, the fucking girls were just as dumb. Here's the thing,

and I haven't been able to write it out in the book. Oh, production was the issue? That was the reason that he felt guilty about doing it? He's like, no, no, no, the girls are fine, motherfucker. And the craft service wasn't treated well. This is what I have not been able to write succinctly in the book, is that the fucking, everyone was exploited on that fucking show. The people that bought it, that thought it was porn.

I just bought one. The girls were so fucking desperate for ego. Fear factor. Were the people that ate worms exploited? No, they're assholes that want FaceTime. And I try to make that point but the point that I haven't made in it and I

if I never write it because I'm on a deadline is that the owner of Girls Gone Wild wanted them to feel exploited that's the problem if they never feel exploited

good because then the terrorist wins yeah he wanted he who's the terrorist very litigious is that like in in the vein of like they need to seem sort of reluctant as they're doing it like that kind of thing like make them feel dirty he would purposely humiliate girls to the point of tears and then try to high five people. It was that bad. It was like the fucking worst.

Make them cry and then turn around and high five the production crew. I've met interviews. I've met fucking pornographers. I've met a million. There's nobody I've met worse than Joe Francis in this entire field.

But you could put a word in for me. I feel like I'm ready. You got juice. Yeah, I'm ready. It's cute that you're still calling yourself a girl. Well, I know I'm a grown lady, but like, you know. It's one thing to be acknowledged for your ass but you need some breast acknowledgement

I've never been in worse shape but I've never been more confident now is the time to ask me to do something just completely terrible on camera why don't you sexually abuse some of the gentlemen on the uh set i i the set on the set no i was gonna say i was gonna i was gonna say

put your hair in pigtails it makes you look 10 years younger and then brett erickson's here he's still your eyes he's attractive gentleman. Why don't you ask to look inside of his fudge factory? What he means by exploited is that you can take advantage of his old lady while he watches. No, what I'm saying. What's the word for that, Erickson? Oh, yeah, that's what it is.

That's from several podcasts ago. What I'm saying is is Brett Erickson, you could get him to open for you for welfare money. Oh, yeah. And then do a little bit of like, hey, you know what? Come back to the comedy condo tonight.

I want to talk about your jokes. Pull the old Louis Anderson. I want to, yeah. I'm going to write some bits for you as soon as I come. Wait, you mean you need a cart access into the economy condo? Yeah, Louie Anderson once called me a triple threat. I never got any farther than that.

That would be good enough. First of all, you're way out over your skis on this one, brother. A triple threat. By the way, no one's ever told Louie Anderson he was out over his skis. Tips over his tips. Sounds like your own inhibitions held you back from success in that situation. Well, I knew I wasn't a triple threat. I mean, now I know it's a lie, dude.

Why is that on your poster for next week in Boulder? Two holes, three threats? Yeah. Doubtful, says Gawker. But by the way, going back to when shows... Clickbait back where is the third hole yeah you gotta you gotta hit the eye of the needle on that one so wait hang on

what oh shit go ahead right in the fucking forehead by the way I just want to update you the fire is doing great by the way guys oh yeah it did work

you're welcome it's worked since the beginning of time since white people invented it. It's literally the first thing that worked. The fact that you loudly announced the intentions of the fire might have helped the effects. What if? Always be branding.

Listen, I don't need any help here. I have a goddamn idea that I'm going to forget. Doug's got an idea, you guys. What do you think? This is the Doug Stanhope podcast? No, it's the Morgan Murphy fucking is our guest, and we just don't let her talk. I'm giving her a question.

What if, as feminist, and I don't know if Amy Schumer would be on board with this, in order to open for you, because you're all major powerhouse female comedians, you started making male younger comedians either fuck you or watching you jerk off to open for them. You know what? Here's a better idea. I think that I...

I'm mildly offended that you think that I would let someone open for me because they watched me jerk off. I feel like that's... I gave them two gifts. That was an underhanded joke. they watch me jerk off. I feel like that's... I gave them two gifts. That was... That was an underhanded joke. But what if you just go, you can only open for me if you fuck me,

and just made that the Maria Bamford fucking Morgan Murphy, Amy Schumer rule. You know, you can only open for me I can make you big in the business if you fuck me and put it on your website just to see you know what fuck that better than that

you should buy the cave house I feel like the only people the only people I'd want to fuck would be people I'd want to open for. So I'd have to fuck them to open for them. Is that bad? Is that weird?

Yeah. I got to find a young kid out there with potential on multiple fronts. Beggars get some chops. But she looked at Tracy first. I'm getting confusing messages. Full disclosure, I like older guys, so I would have to find a 50-year-old

open-miker to go on the road, and at that point, a 50-year-old open-miker to go on the road, and at that point a 50-year-old miker isn't somebody I want to be fucking. Do you know what I mean? You've got to wrap it all around. I'm too drunk to make this whole... I wouldn't say wrap it all around. Makes you sound older.

I'll figure it out. I'll figure out how to get laid and do comedy at the same time but it doesn't work because yeah because guys are

fucking assholes guys would line up for that fucking job are you kidding me oh there's a shortcut fuck yeah there's always a Carlos Valencia

somewhere the only guy the only guy ever took home after a show we walked in San Francisco We were walking

Somewhere And we walked And we ended up At a bus stop And he said It'll probably be Like 20 more minutes And I was probably

26 And I said Auntie Morgan's Getting us a taxi And that was The only guy Ever taken home After a show

Was a guy Who wanted to Wait up a guy In San Francisco You buried the lead Impossible after his show. It was a guy who wanted to wake up a guy in San Francisco. You buried the lead. Impossible! I crawled.

By the way, this is a very true story. You don't want to hear my... I just found myself. Oh. That one story is more entertaining than any of the other stories. But I did. I took this guy guy home I got us a taxi and uh and I remember leaving his apartment the following day climbing down a ladder from his bed where there because there was a ladder to his bed climbing down the ladder oh

no no a loft bed because fucking one wall was covered with alcohol bottles, empty alcohol bottles, and you can't take that space up. It's way better than his sleeping brother. So I climbed down a ladder naked, which is where I realized that's the worst thing you can catch yourself doing is climbing down a ladder naked for all reasons. There's never a good reason. You climbed up a ladder naked for all reasons. There's never a good reason. You climbed up a ladder naked.

I climbed up a ladder. You're always more drunk when you climb up the ladder. I thought there were opportunities up there. But I walked out of my I walked out of this apartment. I'd never had a one-eyed Sam before and I walked out of the apartment and I immediately called Bobcat Goldthwait and I said, I just

fucked a stranger. I don't know what I left. Where am I? Because and I said, I just fucked a stranger. I don't know what I left. Where am I? Because it was like, I think it was pre-smartphone and I was like, I'm at this, I had to have him describe San Francisco to me and figure out where I was because I had taken home a gentleman after a show because...

A gentleman? Yeah, a gentleman caller. A gentleman who was waiting for the bus? Just to get a condom that night took like six ladder trips. Are you sure? Six ladder trips? Horrible. Chutes and ladders.

Are you absolutely sure this wasn't a fire escape? Oh, bitch. Are you absolutely sure this wasn't a fire escape? Tracy is on the podcast. Sorry, that was good. I know I said it off mic, but seriously, that's how Shaley and I met. Up and down that same ladder. In the spunk? Shut up, Mike. Tell us the story.

No, I'll be right here with you. With my bad breath. Go ahead. No, we really had the same, like the upper bunk. There was no lower bunk. Just an upper bunk. Yeah, with the ladder. Just on tall stilts.

Right next to the ceiling. We understand the concept of a bunk. It's what you have in college or when you're a failure. Check and check. Anyway, for this day forward, it'll be known as a spunk bed.

The best part of this story is that you're still together and in love today. We met that night and we had relations that night. And in the morning we had radio because I was the promotions director at Coots. And Erickson was the comment. You can't shout down your wife and then ignore our guest, Morgan Murphy. Morgan Murphy was back fucking some dude on a ladder.

You're right. My story was over. I don't know. Yeah, I thought she was done fucking the dude on the ladder. I thought Doug introduced her. Called Bobcat, which was like Google Maps at the time. No, I called Bobcat, too. I called Bobcat, too.

Greg immediately called Bobcat. I just went down a ladder naked. Hey, by the way. Bobcat, by the way, Bobcat did send out of the blue. Now I know it's because of you. No, it's not.

It's because of you. I've never met Bobcat. I saw him once in Montreal in 97. I thought he had AIDS because he had lost so much weight. Yeah, he fluctuates. And AIDS was popular. Mm-hmm. Out of the blue, when Bingo's in a

coma, I get a text from Bobcat. Now I know it's because of you. And he sent us pizzas from Lou Malinati's Chicago. Chicago deep dish pizza. Deep dish.

Came like in fucking dry ice. Best dude ever. Like one of the best people I've ever met in my life in comedy. When I was 20. Now I know it's you. No, when I was like 22. I thought he used to like me. He just likes you.

No, I. You're still fuckable. Nice ass. I worked on that. Hey, stand up. Let her tell the story. No, I was going to saycat this is this is the thing we're comedians we know banter this is the thing that drew me to bobcat i was like uh i was like 22 years old and and i was working on uh kimmel jimmy kimmel live when

it started and like right after it started and i would you know we'd eat lunch or whatever and then bobcat was directing the show and we would go up to the roof every single day and i would have a cigarette and he would have a cigar and we would co-commiserate about our you know whatever our relationship status was at the time and he was going through shit and i was going through shit and it was the the greatest single experience of that job. I mean, we since then have been like the greatest of friends. Well, you've aged. Due to smoking?

He is one of the sweetest people in the world. Forever I was the host at the club in Peoria, and he came there all the time. And he was so nice to me and so helpful to me and in LA he's helpful to me like he is a fucking absolute gem Jimmy Kimmel

no Bobcat Goldthwait Jimmy Kimmel is a fucking piece of shit and I'm just saying to say that right I love Jimmy Kimmel I don't know

Jimmy Kimmel Bobcat Goldthwait Bobcat is a fucking sweetheart I thought she was talking about no Bobcat she was talking about Bobcat Bobcat was directing Bobcat is a fucking sweetheart I thought she was talking about No Bobcat Bobcat was directing

Bobcat was directing Kimmel at the time I understand but Jimmy Kimmel Jimmy Kimmel never bought you pizza But he was the only guy Where we would go up to the rooftop Bingo didn't get any of that pizza Sorry

We would go up to the rooftop of this old Masonic lodge that became the Kimmel Studios, and he was the only person there who treated me initially, immediately, like I wasn't some token hiring case, you know, because I was the youngest by far, the only woman. It was not. It was fucking amazing. It the only woman it was not it was fucking amazing it really is it was incredible but bobcat was unbelievably kind in this way where he was like you got something to talk about i got something to talk about you have a cigarette i'll have a cigar

and we just fucking bonded like no i mean we shot a movie of his at my house at my fucking shitty place that i rented in the middle of hollywood near where the w is now before there was a w and uh and like we shot it in my place my neighbors stole the script like we did it all like not i mean like hiring on craigslist like the coolest movie then we all fucking went to sundance with that movie this is a crazy movie that bobcat shot in my house that my neighbor said was disgusting because you sold a script and read it. He's the fucking best.

He's the best. He's so authentic in who he is and what he's trying to do, artistic. I don't know. It is a true thing. Honestly, I just want to... That movie... Not only was he nice to me, every single person...

I thought he stole my soul when he did that movie about just killing... The America? Well, I guess Chad Shank would be... God bless America. God bless America. single person my soul when he did that movie about just killing the america well i guess chad shank would be god bless america you know i have my one line in that movie bobcat always gives me like like the one line like i fight beyond honors and i just like i lean out the window at the fast food place and i ask if i need more napkins because they're covered in blood and that's it and i was like they were like you want to do this i was like of course i

fucking wanted that was actually my favorite part that's that's amazing i I was like they were like you want to do this I was like of course I fucking wanted to do it that was actually my favorite part that's amazing I did the movie with Robin I did the movie that shot at my house like that my you know

my neighbors didn't know about the fucking I'm sorry I'm off topic and I'll back about myself but that fucking

Robert De Niro movie where he's the bad the he's like a comic like Don Rickles. Dirty Grandpa. No, the comedian, the one that Jeff Ross

wrote. Jeff Ross started writing it, and then the guy from One-Eyed Jax is the son of the producer guy.

And he's like, oh, hey, the fucking producer, not Jackson Pollock, what the fuck is his name? Sidney Pollock? Taylor Hackford, thank you. Taylor Hackford? Yeah, he's like, hey, will you rewrite

this movie? And I read the script and I go, it's like uh hey will you rewrite this movie it's and i read the script i go fucking terrible and like he's trying to write for a jeff ross type of comic and i'm not that type of comic and i i just said honestly i i can't do this i'm not i don't write that's not my kind of style and I go this is a piece of shit and now it's like huge like there's already being advertised as the fucking best thing and fucking everyone's in it

Hannibal Buress is in it well that's the best thing about you you only pass on the greats you only pass on the very best things that could have possibly helped you in any way. Wow, look at this room. I fight within my weight class. That's not what I do.

If Jeff Ross can't write a roast comic, I can't do better. So I read it. It's not my kind of thing. No, it's all right. You turn down stuff that you're not right for. Don't do weddings. Becker

and I... Becker's going to be here for fucking eight more days, so we're going to have our own Becker podcast. By the way, I got a new favorite. Hey, I'm here all week. Try the veal. I got a new favorite drink here tonight. Brought to you by Blue Apron. Blue Apron veal. By the way, I love...

Lemon chiffon. You know, Blue Apron is... I've been sent Blue Apron by multiple people because I'm a single lady who doesn't know how to cook. And I don't know. People think I should know how to cook or something so that I meet somebody who saves me. But I fucking... I've been sent...

I've made many meals, many Blue Apron meals. I like them a lot. They give you the little dollops of cream and stuff that you need to mix in. They give you the amount of cream you need for the meal. For the meal. You don't need extra. The cumin. The cumin.

The guy next to me at the fucking airport on my way here ordered four sides of salad dressing. And I was like, that's not how Blue Apron does it. He also told me his clothes were fire resistant and I pretended to take a call. I would have whipped out a lighter. We're all different. We all have different stuff.

Where are you going? You're going to Irvine? You're going to where else? I don't know know i haven't looked at it i looked at it i looked at my word count in my book every day and go i don't know if i can make it well when you when i knew you when i knew your pictures were at the thousand words when i knew you had gigs i like i was like oh i would love to do those gigs and then i and then i had this thing i was writing i was writing it for 10 months and then I found out two days ago that it's dead. I've been just fucking trying and trying and trying.

Pilot. It's dead. No, it's fine. I don't think you're allowed to say that after 9-11. I was like, oh, I can do shows. It would be great. I want to tell you, when I said that thing that like, oh yeah, she'll open.

I didn't want to insult you But at the same time I open all the time I just opened for a week in Austin I didn't want to make it be a thing To where like someone opens for someone Because we did the thing with Roseanne would go on

On stage Roseanne has a billion dollars and just doing it for fun But you going on like the first leg before you do Boston in California and having someone you could just hang out with

and just fucking just riff and have a great time. I made all my money writing network appropriate dick jokes for five years. We're fine. I'm fine. You're hired.

I'm fine. You're hired. I got it. But anal? Like as a topic or as like a, like just like a, like in the, or in the green room.

As a resume. After we have bad shows. That is the question. After we have bad shows. I mean, not you, me. Yeah.

I'm working on a book. By the way, I'm not crying right now. It would only happen if we both bomb you know what I mean he meant anal for a road manager it's like the only

thing you have to look forward to after eating it and where are you going this is the problem it's like I asked James. Is he in there? No. I don't know who that is. He's the guy that's stoking the fire.

I'm trying to buy Chad Shank a car and he's the guy that buys cars down at the circle and I go, it's a matter of time. We say, yeah, we'll go on the tour together, but then you're writing another fucking sitcom pilot. No, I got nothing.

The only writing I have to do. That's six weeks away. Then all of a sudden, Bobcat Goldthwait brings you up to the roof for a cigarette, and this time he means it. I'm left in the dust. Derek's opening it for me. Meanwhile, he doesn't have to worry that Erickson has a fucking writing job

that's going to take him away from the opening spot. Don't worry about that. No one is. No one is. He doesn't even... Sorry, that's the inside joke. I can't close on that.

Morgan Murphy, can you plug your dates? Whatever you're doing. Yeah. If you hire me. No, that's filling your dates. DougStanup.com. I'm doing the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. Oh, really?

Yeah. When? I don't know. it is is that during our date no no no it's like i i looked at shit it's not all right yeah i think i i think i perused the it's during the moon tower i was trying to line the shit up yeah moon tower and what else am i doing the uh some something in vegas at some. I don't know. I have a further dialogue that I'll save for off mic. But yeah, Morgan Murphy and I are on tour on whatever dates. God damn it.

That'd be so good. Except Boston. I think I promised Boston to someone else. I think Junior's on Boston. Junior has to be on Boston because he showed up to the gig after you canceled it. I canceled the gig. I'd already bought Junior's stop because ticket to Boston

would either cancel because of bingo, but I bought it on Expedia for a round trip from Chicago for like $200 or something. It would cost that much to change. Yeah.

So Junior, I did remember It would cost that much to change. To cancel it. Yeah. So Junior, I did remember, as I was bedside in a coma to remind him, you can still go to Boston. He likes to go to places. So he went. He flew there. He got a hotel.

He never left it. I fucking love Judy's stuff. Remember when he had his first lobster? He drove up to somewhere. Yeah, Gal Pal. He went up to like, where did he go to get lobster? Maine. Like Maine.

And then he went to Red Lobster to get lobster. I didn't know that Red Lobster. It was Red Lobster. He's like, ah, is that right? Billy, is this all right? Guess what? You went to an all right restaurant to get lobster in the main. You're in main.

All right. Are we done? He bragged about it. Let's just be done. Maybe we can do one of these on Tuesday. Let's be done. That's can do one of these on Tuesday. Let's be done. That's the best ending to the podcast ever. Let's just go.

Just pick a song. Morgan Murphy, at Morgan Murphy. Is that your Twitter? Yeah, underscore in between the two names. Morgan underscore Murphy. Do you know the fucking cunt that is Morgan Murphy? I don't know. I got mad for a while because I thought I

made up in my mind that was somebody else but in hindsight it might have been me like hi signing up for it so I'm not 100% sure I gotta go look again but I like the underscore Joe Rogan someone got

Joe Rogan.com is a real estate agent I go why don't you turn your fans against them and get them to fucking relent and give you, no, just do joerogan.net. Well, you know what? You have a lot more fans, but my fans would turn on that guy and he would never sell another piece of real estate. Somebody wants to see the house on Elmore again.

No show, no show, no show. It's unbelievable. What are they, made of bagels? Everybody. Hedberg had a thing where the guy who had MitchHedberg.com just let it go. And Mitch was, this was like 98. They had no fucking, no one's looking at that shit, right? And it just went, and then someone picked it up,

some fucking, just trying to promote it. And I go, just, we'll do MitchHebberg.net because it still shows up in the results. It's just not the top one. But sooner or later, that will all drop down. It's like, yeah, but I want that one. Well, that one's going to cost $5,000 to go to arbitration.

And then they do this thing where I talk to Doug about anything about computers and he glasses over and I'm talking to myself in a mirror. What am I doing with my life? It doesn't matter., it doesn't matter. It fucking doesn't matter.

But at the same time, that is... What am I talking about? I just wanted to be done. No, we don't know. No, no, no. Everyone let Chaley close this. Bird cloud. Play us out.

Play the bird cloud. Yeah. I woke up in a pool Play us out. I was fixing my transmission on my 97 Chevy, scratching all my titties and drinking Miller Lite. Well, bandit, Ize I spilled upon the drop. And maybe if I'd bought you that expensive dog food, may have just decreased your appetite. If I had not got drunk and knocked over the bottle Of anti-freeze upon the drive Oh, then, bandit, you might still be alive

be alive. I guess I got frustrated that damn truck's so hard to fix. And you was trying to get my attention showing mommy your brand new tricks. You was bucking like

a bronco and eating lots of grass. You was whimpering like a whimper Thank you. Some mistakes it don't mean Mommy didn't love you If I had not got drunk And knocked over the bottle Of anti-freeze upon the drive Oh then bandit You might still be alive Oh bandit Bandit, you might still be alive.

Oh, Bandit, you might still be alive. This is the worst damn day of my life. I pretend hit the stop.