The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #199: Mobs Are Scary and Chad is Back

Episode Date: March 2, 2017

This episode sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (#blueapron)Mobs are Scary, this Jaime Kilstein thing and the return of Chad Shank.Find a way to see "Punching Henry", Henry Phillips sequel to Punching the Clown. Streaming through iTunes, Amazon and playing in select cities. Official Trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYiTCzl85b4Birdcloud is touring in support of Reverend Horton Heat with The Goddamn Gallows, & Unknown Hinson - Dates at http://www.birdcloudamerica.com/on-tour/Recorded Feb. 28, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. The Podcast Mixologist is Ms. Tracey.May we suggest "Crashing" (HBO), "The Detour" (TBS ), & "Baskets" (FX)Documentaries mentioned in this episode -"Eagles of Death Metal: Nos Amis" - http://www.hbo.com/documentaries/eagles-of-death-metal-nos-amis-our-friends"Shadow of Truth" - https://theplaylist.net/exclusive-horrible-discovery-made-clip-netflix-docu-series-shadow-truth-20170228/"All This Mayhem" - http://films.vice.com/all-this-mayhem/"The Congo Dandies" - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W27PnUuXR_AClosing song, "Vodkasodaburg", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

I got really drunk the other night and then the Burt Kreischer thing. Yeah. But then I also went through and I saw who I called before and after, or who I texted before and after that. We might have a heavy metal band from Alaska showing up. They're cool. They're cool. You're not Rob, don't you?

Who? 36 Crazy Chris? You would have met him in and around Coots and stuff, yeah. Yeah. So, hey, Tom, watch out if a tour bus shows up keep your eyes peeled i had to fend off two people this week well yeah it was a not this way fend off the guy i'm saying guy with the artwork was he's a rafiki's a local known guy i just i'm writing, I'm not talking to anyone.

I'm not fucking dog barks. I don't care. I'm stuck at a fucking laptop. But he was just dropping off some artwork from a guy named... Can we show it before it goes in my bathroom? Well, you'd have to frame it. I'd frame all of them. Here you go.

Did you see it? Yeah. Yeah, it's me and Bingo. And it's David Mejia. It's watercolor and ink. Yeah, I don't know what it is, but it's, yeah. You're my favorite comic. I see your stand-up.

I'll see your stand-up if're ever in san jose or the bay area where i'll be in a couple of weeks so he doesn't listen to the podcast big fan big fan big fan uh chad shank is back hello everybody happy and peppy tom canapa is here uh that greg chaley tracy uh is working the bar not fast enough started this one a little bit too sober i thought but yeah it's better than starting too drunk uh by the way uh tracy is the podcast bartender we were just talking about this the other day it's like i i credit her with that in show notes and stuff. And with Blue Apron, Tom Konopka would be the podcast chef. Chef.

Celebrity chef. I guess we should have called her a mixologist. Oh. So, yeah. Well, let's just start with what we were talking about. Joby hyped us on this new documentary on HBO called The Eagles of Death Metal. Nozami. And that's the band that was playing at the, what is it?

Bataclan. The Bataclan, where the terrorists came in and fucking murdered 89 people. And you go, oh, that sounds like a good documentary. And Chad just watched it last night. I didn't know you guys were watching it. A guy on Facebook recommended it and said I would like it, and it did sound like something I would like, and so I couldn't sleep in the middle of the night last night so i watched it i left here wasted and went downstairs

plopped on the couch and did that cursory like cable channel scan and it came up with what i thought was a concert footage and i was gonna go i'll fall asleep to some music and then uh they there's yeah it's not that. And I saw it the day before because I told you the next day about crying late into the night to sleep. Because of the documentary? Yeah. To be fair, I cried during it too.

But I was in a crazy emotional state, not able to sleep in the middle of the night. Yeah, so was I. Well, yeah, you just said you went home fucking drunk as shit. But I felt bad about it that I got emotional because then it dawned on me that I was like, I just cried over fucking good marketing. Because really that's what it was all about is these guys happened to be there when this terrorist fucking attack happened. And then they're like, fuck it, this is fantastic fantastic press we have to capitalize on this no way come on listen i don't

you two also okay capitalized oh that was my favorite part was where you two tried to make it all about them that was fucking retarded no i but i thought i and to be fair i don't it was probably emotional what they had to see. He describes seeing people. I've never thought about that. If I've ever thought about being in a room where a bunch of people are being assassinated, I'm on the other side. So I've never been.

It made me empathetic for something I've never thought about. Well, to be fair, even though we were upset and crying after a whiskey girl and nowhere man actually it was just whiskey girl at the time but this was before this we were on our way out when she died not knowing that derrick was about to kill himself nowhere man yeah and we get on the plane and yeah we were crying a lot but at some point Chaley turned to me and go, he says, good radio. That's good radio. There's got to be something in their head that says, yeah, this is going to work out for us business-wise.

I don't know. It's fucking human nature. This isn't some kind of gaffe on local news, and all of a sudden you sell him more. The guitarist was was stuck in the bathroom and they were trying to kick the door in and he went into it was a it was in the green room and he had to spoiler alert he would try to kick the the one of the gunmen was trying to kick the door in he went into the shower good thinking because he's trapped he can't get out

from there he's in the catacombs of this this club. And he's hearing all this shit going on. The guy could not kick the door down, which because he didn't. I mean, he just could not do it. And as soon as the two and a half hours later. Muslims are small framed. Well, they just didn't have the proper training. But when the police got there. They're averse to showering.

He wanted to, but his foot wouldn't let him do it. The cops kicked that door down and took it off the frame in one kick. This guy was that close to being just – I mean, he saw people and the cop saying, don't look down. And this guy just looking in the camera saying, and how do you not look down? I mean, that was – I don't think that guy's thing is like, man, we could sell more t-shirts. In the middle of it, I was looking it up.

Speaking of, I remember I tweeted something inappropriate while it was happening or right after it happened. And someone wrote back, the fucking merch guy was killed. He did. He was at the front. And he was the only one from the band that actually. And those dicks did not even mention that in the entire documentary that I watched. No, I was waiting for it.

It didn't come up. The fucking hero was their drum tech or the guitar tech who said, wait. And they all waited backstage because I think he was a gun guy. And he goes, when they stop shooting, they'll be reloading. That's when we run. And that saved their fucking ass. Because those guys reloaded at the same time. They didn't overlap.

Amateurs. I'm going to say methamphetamine was probably the hero. It allowed those guys to be super focused, know what was happening. Wait, are you talking about the terrorists? Or the band. No, was happening. Wait, are you talking about the terrorists? Or the band? No, the band! When I watched and he kept snorting at one point I was watching it and I just googled it. I was like, how bad is this guy's cocaine habit?

Because I was going to look at the from Death Pool. It's not a bad pick. Well, is he the lead singer or the guitarist? The main guy. Lead singer. He was, like was on stage. He's like a Baptist preacher-y kind of guy. Are you all ready to have a good time?

I can't hear you. Come on. He's wearing a white suit at one point. But then every time he's doing an interview, it's like this. Come on. When Bingo was at her worst and we're up there we're all trying not to cry and we break down all the time but it wasn't a constant i'm on the verge of tears every single word for hours i just cry or fucking talk it's easy to overact on methamphetamine is what my opinion was on that

do you imagine what our numbers with our new host audio boom would be if you had just broken down during a podcast a sustained cry entire podcast sounds like man can't get the fucking visions out of my head. Yeah, you have moments of that. Especially, I mean, that guy is fucking war-torn. He's not an 11-year-old kid that just witnessed this. You're talking about Jesse Hughes, the lead singer.

I looked it up. Yeah, so I was like Chad, where I watched it. My book-writing ritual has has become over the last few weeks get to the computer about two i know that my first cigarette will kick my booze shakes in which i never realized till i was regimented in okay this is what's going to happen i'm going to sit down i'll read newser i'll download the book get on that page get on the fucking whatever thing it is and uh

then i'll ignore it check my emails check newser ignore it some more then finally have a cigarette then i get all shaky then i start reading through the book then i get anxiety riddled and then about five i start drinking and then i start writing and then i i write up until oh then i take it a half an adderall at five after a few drinks just to get the balance right and then i'll go till anywhere between one and three or four in the morning. Sometimes. Yeah. You're over the top on that.

I get to a point where it's like a phonograph that's been unplugged with my typing. Like one key, A, B, C. And and then i go fuck it so i so i'll already get my morning rage at fucking four in the morning so i started watching it then so i hate him anyway so it was the opposite you cried i hated him and then i fall asleep and then i wake up i'll finish it before i get back to work on the book at two and so yeah i hated it i had to watch it in two parts but i yeah just made me angry i liked it i mean i i mean you don't like like when people donate a bunch of money to a kid who has brain cancer you don don't like, right?

That's such a weird thing to like. I thought the movie was interesting. I didn't know as much before I saw the movie than I did after. And I don't know. But musicians and stuff, I disagree with you two. I thought it was admirable what they did. They offered them a lot of support and stuff like that following that. And then they put them up on stage.

The French are a passionate people, guys yeah i don't know yeah and i had no you too just bothers you anyway i didn't dislike it i thought it was a good documentary made me think about things they had like a lot of the people that were there were like this is my my second half of my life you know and they guess well that's good i mean if you come close to death and then you live the second half of my life. And they go, well, that's good. I mean, if you come close to death and then you live the second half better. I forgot. Did it not make you want to have a near-death experience? Right, you lucky bastards. I know that has to be true, and I can see it, but that needs to be a ride at Magic Mountain.

Actually, it might be. I would totally squander that feeling. I would last a day, and then I wouldn't give a fuck anymore. That's exactly what I thought. But you can always buy another ticket. I thought the same thing. I would not be that guy. We've had enough fucking tragedies in our life where you go,

I should have learned a lesson from this. Hedberg through Whiskey Man and Nowhere Girl. Whiskey Man and Nowhere Girl? Whiskey Man and Nowhere Girl? Yeah, but I'm saying with all the fucking people that have died around us, you'd think we should have learned some kind of, no, no, right back to the bar. Yeah. We're actually doing what they were doing.

Those are bad examples. That was another thing that it was like, if you've seen the documentary Grizzly Man where – That was Werner Herzog. Herzog, yeah. And it was the guy who went out and thought he was best buddies, bros, bear bro. Oh. Yeah.

And you're just waiting to see the footage because the guy films everything. And then Werner Herzog finds the old woman who has the mother or whatever that has the footage. You need to burn that. No one should ever see that. And you're like, fuck you. I just sat through this whole documentary. It was the whole purpose.

I didn't even wait halfway through Eagles of Death Metal. I was already Googling if there was video coverage. And there's video of the opening shots, and then there's pictures of the aftermath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know they had footage they're not showing you and that pissed me off too. Instead of that, you could go

buy Eagles of Death Metal, one of their fine LPs. I did like the music. I bought an album before I went to sleep that night. Surprisingly, I liked the music. It wasn't offensive. Well, Death Metal, music. It wasn't offensive. Well, death metal. It's not Eagles or

death metal. It was a joke name. Maybe that's what it was. I went in with such weird expectations that pretty much whatever they delivered would probably be all right. Glenn Fry and fucking some Swedish black metal band. Rob Dukes and Glenn Fry.

Oh, yo, you got it right there. I'm standing on a corner in Glensville, in Windsor, in Glensville. Good documentary that I watched the other morning is Behind Slenderman. It's on HBO as well. is Behind Slenderman. It's on HBO as well. What's Slenderman? Slenderman is, you'd have to watch it.

Is it those kids that kill? Yeah, it's a made-up monster. What are you doing? This sets the pace for your day. You're watching Slenderman? I watch Jeff Beamish still still he doesn't do sky candy anymore but i still watch the uh 6 a.m uh tucson morning news i've wanted to ask him on facebook where i'm not blocked by him why he doesn't do sky candy anymore we should go to a like like

you know radio actually tease them with it actually put photos like really nice photos yeah why are we doing sky candy how come you're not using it flip it put photos, like really nice photos. Why are we doing this? Sky Candy. How come you're not using it? Oh, flip it. Do it like six, seven days in a row. And we can all show up to one of his, like, he has to open a mall or a Best Buy or something.

Oh, you know what he does? A Chick-fil-A or something? Tucson Roadrunners. He's all over the Tucson Roadrunners. I'll let you know next time he's going to be at a game I got a documentary I watched on Netflix I don't think we talked about it called All This Mayhem two skateboarding brothers

fuck now I forgot their names are you talking about the Santa Cruz dudes these are from Australia it's a great documentary All This Mayhem these guys are like 16 years old saved up their money from Australia. Oh, no. I don't know that. It's a great documentary. What's it called? All This Mayhem. These guys are like 16 years old, saved up their money from Australia in the 80s, 90s, came to the United States to skate with Tony Hawk and these guys. But they were fucking just grungy, drug fucking.

So they never got the coverage that they should have. One of them. I don't want to give the whole thing away, but it gets dark. It gets dark towards the end. All this mayhem on Netflix is a good duck. Okay, I might have seen that one. No, I think I know what you're talking about. The surf culture one?

Weren't there two brothers, and one of them ended up in jail? Yep. But were they the Australians? No, they were California dudes. Yeah. Yeah. But I might have seen the Australians, too. One it's still in in prison yeah yeah that was when it was a murdery kind of thing because the uh like uh that whole skate culture took off in southern california because

there was a uh a drought and so everyone's draining their pools and these kids were jumping over fences and skating pools. That's the story. That's a dog town. Yeah. Like a dog town. That I remember. Since we're talking about visual media, three things that might brighten your day.

Pete Holmes has this on HBO called Crashing. It's really good. I was actually going to look for it. It's Judd Apatow. Yes. It's really good I was actually going to look for it it's Judd Apatow it's very good I saw it flipping through channels what to record I'm going to record it here in the funhouse

because that's something we could all watch it's very good and it's stand up I don't want to say because you haven't seen it but it is good the detour is another one that Tracy and I watch. That's a really good one. And then Baskets.

Fuck, man. It's brilliant. They just put Baskets on Hulu. The whole season. You can watch the first season. Because there's a second season. I think there's five or six episodes in. And we have it recorded here, too.

Crashing. Pete Holmes. He wrote that with, I think it was one of the writer but he's producing it with judd apatow so good and uh they're just bouncing like that's the whole thing is every night he has to find another place to live because he can't he has no place to live and he's not and they're doing these things that i'm like that's fuck that's part of the first book you're the things that are coming up i'm, it's so real. And it's uncomfortable. Not basket's uncomfortable, but it's uncomfortable.

It's very good. So got to give a plug. We used to talk about doing that. From the MySpace days on is do a documentary of spending, whatever, three months or six months of just couch surfing fans from Facebook. All right'm gonna be in schenectady who can put me up tomorrow night and fucking poughkeepsie and just take whatever random fan says yeah i got a couch or whatever you can stay on and just couch surf you know across the country just with social media fans. Here's how brilliant.

Hey, wait a minute. You got a car? Yeah. He goes, you want to open for me? I need a ride to Albany. It just reminds me of so much of the stories you told me about being on the road and getting out there and stuff like that. It's fucking great. Crashing.

I saw it when I was thumbing through my search buttons for what to record, and I go, ah, it says it's a comedy. I don't know. And then I saw something on the internet about it today. Is it anywhere if you don't have TV? Amazon? I'm sure it is. If not, I'm going to record all of them here.

Don't you know how to steal everything now? No. Someone tweet, Chad, how to steal off the internet. I don't want to do that. I watched another one on Netflix. Do you watch documentaries you have to read subtitles? All the time. Not now because I'm falling asleep to them.

I watched one about people people in uh was it thailand or malaysia it's about they get out of prison by fighting mma oh no uh yeah i think it's thailand where or malaysia what you just said sorry uh they they have to win and then they're released. Yeah. They let someone who's lethal with their fists. Yeah. You're free to go. Now go try to find a job. Or, you know, kill someone, or you'll be back here. But not only is it subtitles, but it's really tiny subtitles.

And I'm just done writing. I don't want to sit there and squint. I've been staring at a fucking laptop this close. Fuck it. There's one that's in Hebrew, so it's all subtitles, but it's in Israel, and it's like a little series called Shadow of Truth, and it's like making a murderer. Oh, you tweeted about that one.

Yeah, that's why I had to look up to find the thing. I had to look up the tweets. I had to find the name of it, but same exact type thing. Innocence project is involved in it i think and tom you gotta get your netflix set up in there because you i got rid of netflix but chaley still has it in mine yeah it's still yeah what did you say oh shit you got the new tv he's got a smart oh fuck all right yeah yeah we'll hook that up this week the one i saw that was uh international and uh the subtitles were only because you couldn't understand the broken English.

It was somewhere in Africa where there's these dudes who spend this ungodly amount of money in a total slum to be like these dandies. And then they'll be wearing the suits we wear as a coof, but theirs cost like $800 800 which is like two years income and they'll be walking down and it's all muddy and they're like just but they're like high stepping peacock and it's like what the fuck is this and but like everyone's proud because this guy's from the neighborhood it's like you have a completely awesome red suit with like 500 shoes yeah and then you go back to you see their place was like

there's a a swingy bulb and a flypaper thing and like and there there's like a mountain of clothes and then like yeah like a like a rail that's holding up like suit jackets it's like is this but that's just like a job i'm sure it's no different for for you in globe or you in new york there was always that fucking kid that he got a brand new camaro in 1984 but he had nothing else and he just lived to make the payment and drive around all the time but his fucking he lived in squalor these yeah this guy had kids and a wife and she's you could just see her she's doing wash all day and then cooking his fucking meals and like making sure everything's pressed and she's like yeah i don't understand but you know that's what i just given up he's buying it's ridiculous just the rack of clothes right

could buy the town yeah why they just don't rush in there and steal everything i don't understand fucking yo-yos everywhere i'll. I'll put the show notes. I'll put the link to that one. Let's get to Chad's balls. I want to hear that story. All right. Everyone doing good on drinks? We good?

Yeah. All right. All right. I guess we can talk about my balls. We've talked about my prostate before. I have a- Purple mud bunion. I have in my scrotum what's a... Purple mud bunion.

I have in my scrotum what's called a varicose seal. Anybody never heard of that? Bragging. If we had... Let's see. Why do you feed them? If we had four more dudes, somebody would have heard about it

because it's like one in seven people has this varicose... It's a varicose vein in your nut sack so basically it just makes so it fills out the rest of your nut sack basically around your nut you just have a big is it attached to the nut because i had one thing but it wasn't called that doctor whatever fuck what's his name the doctor from uh deference dr opium anthony

he's the one who diagnosed it I had a big like Dr. Steve You know how you have the kind of veins Dr. Steve Dr. Steve That come off your nuts Well this one felt like it was Like when a snake eats a rat

A bulge A kind of bulge in that Kind of whatever cord comes off your balls I don't know where it's attached to It just feels like there's a bunch of pasta in my nut sack. All right, so it's not attached to the nut. It's a whole sack. Yeah, yeah.

It's somewhere in there. One of the veins has turned into a varicose vein like old people have. And I've had it since I was a kid. They diagnosed it in the Army. Wow. And they said it's real common. Like one in seven dudes has it and they said as long as it doesn't hurt

you know we just leave it alone and I was like well when I'm fucking my nuts are fucking heavy and then they're swinging and it hurts and they're like well that doesn't count you've got like custom balls like monster truck balls

they're like jacked up you can hang, I can put them plastered with Paris and hang them from the back of a truck custom balls, like monster truck balls. They're like jacked up. You can hang... I can put them plastered with Paris and hang them from the back of a truck, maybe. Are you asking me or are you telling me? Project? I don't know. Pinterest? Tracy, where's that coffee came from? Merch?

Merch? The same way the porn stars have their own vagina or dick or... Yeah, we could sell fucking monster truck balls. Oh, yeah, fucking chad shank paperweights. Yeah. So yesterday I was supposed to go to Tucson to have an ultrasound on my sack. I have to do the same thing.

Wait, does it get worse and better, fluctuate? It just started hurting a few weeks ago and uh again it's like if i get a heart on it starts to pull and they said it might be something different i don't know i'm gonna go check it out but they canceled my appointment but when i was i was texting bingo she's doing a fat camp thing friendship camp thing and she was wait bingo's your doctor? Well, I consult with her on all problems regarding my nutsack. All right, just try to. That settles that.

So I was telling her, she said, what are you going to do? We couldn't sleep in the middle of the night, and we were texting. She said, what are you going to do? And I said, I'm going to go to this fucking doctor's appointment. And just to have something to say, I said, I'm thinking I'm going to take one of these fucking Viagras before I go, just so it's awkward for everybody and not just me. And she immediately was like, you have to do that.

And I was like, that does sound like a fucking funny thing to do. I might do that. Because I'm going to try to chub up anyway. Why try to chub up so you're not embarrassed when you can make a Viagra and go in proud? Let's think about this from a scientific standpoint. We're all scientists. You said that the problem occurs when you have a hard-on.

Now you're going to go in there and go like, well, look, like going into an auto shop. It's like, well, it pulls to the right. It's a pocket of sound, but it's not doing it when you're here. I don't hear it. I was a mechanic. What you're talking about is duplicating the problem. You need to duplicate the problem.

I told Bingo the same thing. Hey, Doc, by the way. I can tell them that I did it just so that they could figure out what was going on. I said, but I still think it's funnier if I don't acknowledge it or address it and just have a giant boner the entire time. Even when they ask you, you don't say anything. When Viagra first came out, that was my idea. And I actually had to get a guy that could get scripts.

He was known for his comic that was kind of on his way down, Big Boozer. And it was in the 90s, and Viagra was the new thing. And he had a script writing doctor. Celeb doc. So he would get all these people, all this stuff. And I'm like, get me Viagra. I want to try it.

And he did. He scored it and then brought me in the bathroom. Like it was an actual drug deal to palm it off. I didn't know what to watch. It was very funny. But that was my idea was to go on stage in loose-fitting sweatpants with no underwear after taking one and never even address my boners starting to fucking rise. But then I found out it doesn't work like that. You need to be turned on on some level or chub yourself up.

You don't just ta-da. Well, I figured people are going to be fondling my nutsack i mean people probably work what do you mean people but hey that's a great place to plug henry's movie but we'll save that but that that whole people are going to be touching your junk that really doesn't like that doesn't transfer into sexual arousal. Cause I just had, for me, when I,

when this was diagnosed, I was in the army and I had a, uh, you're a 22 Asian woman doctor. When didn't you have a boner? Who fucking did it with no gloves. I was, I seriously thought about asking her out.

I was like, she did not use gloves. I think I have a chance. Or she might be dirty. Yeah. Well, that was appealing. I meant like AIDS-y dirty. Nothing to lose. Well, I have to do the same thing.

They think it might be some kind of weird hernia. Doug, I wouldn't ask you about this, but we never talk. I've got my – I'm on a stool. I'm on stage. Pants down, and this is a gal I just met 10 minutes ago, my doctor. And she's examining my nuts, and she's giving me this like like play by play like oh that's very asymmetrical like remember asymmetrical so i could look it up you looked up asymmetry one side's not the same side yeah it was ones hanging down it's like

wait a minute they're all they're all that way by nature freaking me out on things like well we can get you a referral you can go over over there. They're going to do this. They'll do an ultrasound just to be safe. And then I look up asymmetrical. I'm like, motherfucker, who's symmetrical? That's who needs to be getting the fucking thing checked. Exactly. What are they doing?

No, you got fucking dove's eggs in there. Just perfectly smooth and round. Yeah. So I get, yeah, I have to go, but I don't. But sometimes there's a little bit of a pain. It seems to coincide with me taking Adderall. So I'm wondering if that has anything. Is it pasta in the sack?

Could be. Want to taste? Vermicelli or the elbow? Give it a check. Angel hair. Junior, when we first went on the road, Junior had one lump on his ball he was all worried about. And then on the last night, we're out smoking on the patio,

me and him and Maggie, his girlfriend. I just fucking pull it out. What's the fucking thing? Fucking, I'm checking Junior's nut. Without gloves. Maybe that's why he keeps coming on the road with me. Yeah, he finally checked it out. It was nothing. Yeah, balls are gross.

Of course you're going to think there's a problem. Don't stay away from him. They canceled my appointment. But why would they cancel your appointment? Well, to be fair, that's just what i told myself i decided not to go and then i called the automated system to cancel it and

there was no appointment so i was like hey i think they canceled it so i told jenny i was like hey they canceled it i can't go because those automated systems are so fucking spot on. Listen, I don't want to fucking go. I got to go all the way to Tucson. I got to spend hours. Tucson? Yeah. Oh, you have to go to VA? VA.

Oh, sorry. Wait, they have a fucking base where you live in Sierra Vista, but they have no VA. They have a clinic that you can do minor things. But ultrasound's an expensive process. But they've got a, apparently they don't ultrasound your nutsack in Sierra Vista.

You gotta go to Tucson for that. So. I'm not going because the colonoscopy, I don't know how much it costs yet. And they keep sending me

things like. Oh, Shawnee can do it as soon as he's done with the deck. Well, now you tell me. Jesus Christ. I've had a colonoscopy. I know what happens.

I can do that. But I got it. And then, I don't know how much it's gonna to cost yet, so I'm a little gun shy of going to get the ultrasound, because that sounds expensive too. Yeah. Colonoscopy was like four grand.

Are you hoping for a boy? That's what I was hoping for. Don't you have insurance? Yeah, they only cover half of preventative medicine from a referral. They only fucking cover half. preventative medicine from a referral. They only fucking cover half. That's fucking bullshit. What's wrong?

I'm saving you lots of money. If you found polyps, we would take care of them right there. Why is that that expensive? I could give you polyps. I don't want polyps. It's not like a jolly rancher. Oh, I like the grape. Put that away.

God, that's gross yeah i gotta do it though because i i'm i gotta i'm going to st louis soon i'll be lifting if i got a hernia i don't want to fucking aggravate it yeah i've had it in your colon no no this is different shit hernia all right this is different this is the nutsack one chela you worry too much let's take a break. I want to come back. I don't want to talk about this Jamie Kilstein thing. No. When?

Yeah. Alright. We're not saving that for 200. It's not that important. I didn't know you wanted to talk about it. You have to fill me in on what it is. That's what we have to do. We'll play some Eagles of Death Metal. We'll get some cocktails. We'll talk about... Boots Electric. We'll play some Eagles of Death Metal. We'll get some cocktails. And we'll talk about... Boots Electric.

Maybe don't play Eagles of Death Metal because it's licensed. No, no, not here. We're going to take a break. Oh, for us. Okay, I was going to say, after I just talked shit about that whining guy... My eyes saw 89 people's brains.

We got lots of stuff going on. You know how much material I'd get out of that? We got lots of stuff going on. We got... You know how much material I'd get out of that? We got thank yous coming up. We can add that in anywhere. We got blue apron. We got plenty of stuff to do. So let's take a break and then figure out what the fuck we're doing.

All right, good. Sounds good. TheShadyDell.com. That is where you stay if you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long. We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at the ShadyDell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from.

And we look for reasons to go stay there come to the shady dell.com sponsored by i might even come in and uh clean your toilet i don't know i want to talk about jamie kilstein it's only going to be popular for... Did we go over that? You guys were talking about other shit. Did you start talking about Jamie Kilstein? No. We're starting now. I don't know if they know about it. Well, that's what I said. You're going to have to tell me what it is because I don't know what it is.

I didn't know if there was some background that needed to happen. Jamie Kilstein was a kid that I met when I was playing the Baltimore Improv before Hedberg died. I remember that I made that joke at his memorial service in L.A. The Friars Club. Yeah, the Friars Club.

And I said that people say he died too soon. I said he died right on time because he was scheduled next week to work the baltimore improv so he probably knew what was coming uh it was uh just this fucking horrible club but this kid and his buddy came down jamie kilstein and whoever his friend is uh and they were new comics and they'd driven all the way from new york and they had no place to stay, and the opening, the emcee didn't show up, and he had introduced himself, I'm a comic, I'm a big fan, and we came all the way from New York to see you,

and when the emcee didn't show up, I said, hey, you want to emcee for the week? Really? For the week? Well, it's Wednesday through Saturday or whatever. to mc for the week really and so the week well it's you know wednesday through saturday or whatever he came down for the night yeah fuck the mc that didn't show up i get a guy and i let him and his buddy sleep on the floor of my hotel and uh it was yeah it was it was fun and uh i was working with mike d stefano was the middle act. It was a fucking great week for us, not our shows, the fucking worst club ever.

I remember there was a story where, like, some parent killed his two children, some, like, horrific story that just happened in Baltimore. And I would remember that they had gone out to go get lunch or whatever. And I go, Oh, I get a second to jerk off to my laptop. But I had the,

the local news was on in the background. And just as I was coming, they were talking about this brutal murder of some parents murdering their own children. And I, because I brought the whole story up on stage and someone had bootlegged it. I don't know if it's online or if we just have the bootleg somewhere

in Brian's secret stash. But it's fucking wrong and I can't fucking screaming at the stage I wasn't saying I was jerking off to that I was jerking off and interrupted while I was coming I was

hold on let's suss this out interrupted or did you finish I was coming during this is like as i was in the tube type of thing okay fucking story comes on and yeah you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube and your fucking jizz doesn't have a conscience sure i remember that specifically you've already

pulled the trigger the gun is now firing there's a there's a an amount of time that it goes down the barrel of the gun that you can't stop that from happening i misunderstood your story i thought it's like you were in mid-stroke and you hear this other thing it's like well i could still do it no it was uh it's here. Don't look at Stano's browser history. That's how I know Kilstein. And then he came down to Austin once, and again, he needed a place to stay. I was working with Walsh. I have one of my favorite pictures ever that I will use as an album cover at some point.

The one downstairs? No, it's me and Walsh and Kilstein in the green room of the Cap City Comedy Club. It's just a fucking great kind of... A moment. Yeah. It's a rock and roll photo of comedy. He was also in Amsterdam. Was he?

Not with us, though. No, no. Danger Zone. Him and... Rick Shapiro? Rick Shapiro. All right. At some point, yeah, he was a kid and he was a partier. And then at some point, he trailed off into being a vegan and a sober guy

and then a feminist and then a hardcore feminist. And I think it was around when the whole Dan Tosh rape jokes are not funny. Rape culture. Rape culture. And he was the only one on the other side of the fence where comics pretty much unilaterally no everything can be funny and he was he that was his time to shine i'm a feminist and a vegan and now i do jujitsu and well he had that that that moment in the sun also with the uh wall street when they were doing the one percenters

or something. They took over some place in Wall Street. He went the Janine Garofalo path but he went way past it. This was a kid, his comedy was never funny

to many people. Again, it's all personal funny to many people. Again, it's all personal. It's comedy subjective, but he got to a point where he would do poetry slams because he couldn't get booked in comedy clubs. So he would turn. It's the same way if i did uh so yeah me and becker get a transvestite hooker one me and becker get a transvestite hooker he just turned he just changed the cadence yes yeah didn't he do something on joe rogan and that

that's what blew up that's yeah that's where we're going is when this whole rape culture thing i think it's tosh that really brought that to the spotlight i might be wrong i think the rogan thing came out way earlier because uh that's what's coming up that was 2012 with rogan do you remember when kilstein delusion is what it's called we were on the road we were listening to it we we drove around hoping it would end but you know with rogan and gas prices and i will save it for tomorrow's drive back then we had shorter routes uh we listened to that forever and he's trying to fight his case with rogan it's one of the most epic rogan podcasts ever uh almost as big as his carlos mencia you know youtube oh shit where and rogan was being really calm and polite it wasn't a fight but but he was so out of his delusional thank you

okay let me just set the timeline the the uh joe rogan podcast and the kilstein delusion was 2012 and then he brings rogan brings keeps bringing kilstein back. And then there's a Joe on the Daniel Tosh thing, which is 2013. So that was, there was some catalyst that brought Jamie Kilstein out of oblivion into the spotlight on Joe Rogan's podcast where Rogan just destroys him. Eviscerated him. Eviscerated is a better word in that he just dissected him

and showed him his cancer. He wasn't mean about it. He was Quincy MD. He was a pathologist where he just cut out and see where your nutsack looks like a pail of pasta. So much for the no callback. Hey, thanks for saying that. Hey guys, fucking step to it.

No reference to the... Do as I say, not as I do. I knew that wouldn't work. So, and then he drifted back into our obscurity. But he still had, I don't know if his lady friend

Alison Kilkenny. I read somewhere ex-wife. Then I read partner. I don't know what they're fucking. The one on the podcast? I think she was the one that made him into the feminist vegan jujitsu. Now I'm getting sleeve tattoos.

This kid was just a little dwarfy. I'm trying to think of an analogy of what he was like. Nebish. A nebish, exactly. And now he's a nebish with good posture and sleeve tattoos and posing with his arms wrapped around his biceps. Fucking nothing bothers me more than people that dress around their tattoos instead of the weather.

Hey, it's fucking three degrees outside. Yeah, that's why I'm holding myself real tight, pushing my pecs up. So if you don't know about jamie kilstein that was where he solidified himself as the pro woman he's he was more fucking woman than i am woman fucking helen ready uber hailed and uber feminist like he was on the ropes he could not not see logic. He was the equivalent, and I can never pronounce her name, of that chick Dozielle or whatever, the one that was the head of the NAACP, saying, Rachel, thank you, Tracy.

Tracy needs just a fucking mic she can lean into every now and then. I've got the fucking lapel mic, but she doesn't want to do it. The lavalier. Yet. into every now and then. I've got the fucking lapel mic, but she doesn't want to do it. The lavalier. She was the white woman that ran the NAACP in Spokane, Washington, I believe it was. But saying she was black, and they're like, she comes out,

you're white, your parents just came out, they're white Idaho people going, I don't know why she's saying she's black. She's very white. I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't either, except for the fact that when you're saying you're black and you're not. People say they're a man or a woman when they're not, technically,

if we say it the same way. Same thing, right? Well, Jamie Kilstein said he was a feminist and made his whole world about feminism and then it just came out where his wife on the air said he would no longer be part of the podcast because a lot of allegations have come out that he is uh abusing women. All these chicks have come forward. This is the part that I know up to, but I've read testimony from some of these chicks,

but I haven't read what happened. What happened? That's the problem. Hold on. Just so we get context here. What you said, like, I hate a guy who dresses for his tattoos rather than the weather. The Daily Dot is doing male

feminist Jamie Kilstein booted from podcast after abuse allegations and that's the picture they put at the top. That's the one I'm talking about. He's making the pose. Hey Jamie, I think they sell those in medium. Yeah. Come on. And it's three of them.

It's like across the top. It's the same way I have to squeeze the base of my dick when I'm too drunk to fuck to get enough blood into it. He's trying to get blood into his pecs the way he's grasping his own chest. Like a wrestler puts those strips of cloth to pump up their biceps. The flat-chested girls do that.

Oh, man, I'm so for the women. Yeah, the flat chested girls do that for cleavage. That's what he's doing. It's not believable. It's the ultimate feminist warrior. Yeah. So this is the problem. And this all came out.

And I did not put anything on Twitter because you can't have that kind of dialogue in 140 characters. And I already defended someone that I had personal knowledge of the relationship that was accused of being an abuser, specific allegations. So I don't want to pigeonhole i'm not gonna fucking risk jamie kilstein pigeonholing me i was my concern was like it went out of control because so many people not one person defended him nor is there any reason to, but the allegations were, and I quote,

this was yesterday. This was yesterday. This was big enough that I, who should have no knowledge of it, was reading some of what you're going to talk about. Why is this in your sphere? That's because you follow comedy and you follow comics on Twitter and comics are the only ones that really give a fuck.

No one in the world knows who he is except a bunch of feminists and comics that hate him. The allegations and three chicks came forward. Well, two

and his wife that threw him off the podcast. And the allegations are that he was, God damn it, I have it written down somewhere. Manipulative, emotionally abusive, and predatory behavior. Manipulative would be anyone in Hollywood. That's all you do in this business.

Or a guy trying to get laid. Well, that's predatory behavior is any dude in a dance club. Yeah. And it's only predatory if you're ugly and they don't want to have it. They have no interest. Yeah. Leonardo was very predatory. I fucked him anyway. I can very predatory. Yeah.

I fucked him anyway. I can't believe Leonardo. He used his fame. He used his fame to fuck me. I think you fucked him because he was famous. I'm not sure which it is. And emotionally abusive is what any couple does in a relationship where they don't use violence. Yeah.

Well, you want to fight? Fuck you. Yeah. Let's get emotionally abusive because that's how you fight civilly. That's your outlet. But the cascade of shit, I was fighting between my nature of schadenfreude. Yeah, he's an unfunny douche, but I know him as a human being. He's a nice kid. That's eyewitness. That's firsthand experience.

Yeah, I've hung around him, and I've been nice to him. Even when I was shitting on him online or on a podcast i'd still call him up and go hey it's just fucking part of the business suck it up after fucking rogan i felt bad for him i felt bad for him yesterday because when you pigeonhole yourself in that you know what uh rape culture all the people that he's attracted that are now saying he was emotionally abusive he could have been thrown off of that podcast for giving inappropriate back rubs because that's like they're so hardcore about what this rape culture is. Yeah, exactly. He's seeking therapy, they say.

For what? He danced a little too close and a little too long. I didn't feel comfortable. Because they're not giving you specifics. So I want to defend the mob mentality because you always have to go against that fucking benefit of the doubt here. Everyone's coming out on those three things. Manipulative, emotionally abusive, and predatory. But no details to explain.

Not a one-up. That could mean something like you said, something minor or something serious. It's repeal and replace. There's no fucking details, man. 50 chicks came out and said, Cosby drugged and raped me. Okay. At that point, you go, I'll pile on. I'll pile on.

On a general scale, I've been guilty of all of those things in one night going to a club, trying to get laid when I was young. You know what I mean? Not being malicious, but if you wanted to construe it that way. Just hanging out here. We're emotionally abusive to Bingo and Tracy and then Chaley when he gets drunk. Predatory. We get drunk and pee on people here.

We get drunk and pee in a gun and put it in someone's face. Well, that's with consent. Well, sometimes you just go pee on someone when you're drunk, and yeah, they know the landscape. Yeah. To be fair, we're not saying that you should be abusive to women. I mean, let's put this in context here. I mean, you really agonized over how you were going to actually respond to Jamie last night. No, I agonized that I would respond because I don't want that to sully the fucking...

You're right. I stand corrected. The stigma I have. But I have fucking... It's not your business. It's not even my business. But I was around. I knew what the fuck was going on.

And you've all been in that position where, oh, fuck, you know what? You're getting a divorce. She's going to say you molested the kids to get custody. I've heard that one a fucking million times from friends. Of course. Well, my kids mean everything. I'd do anything for them.

Yeah, including lying in court and saying he molested them. Well, why didn't you bring it up before the divorce case? I just remembered. You remember too, don't you, honey? And again, admittedly, I don't know anything about all of this, but I did try to see them. I'm like, well, what are they talking about? And I'm one of the ones that came out with this.

I'm like, what did you come out with? And I found the same thing you did, but I'm like, well, what? What happened? I mean, what does that mean? What? I don't know. Maybe it's just being nosy,

but I mean, if you're going to fucking put it all over the place, you should fucking. It should be detailed. I am definitely not defending him. And that's my point the fact that he has not responded he deleted his twitter no that's not good i i was i actually i texted him is he young yeah he's like 30 something now it's gotta be late 30s that's not too young yeah i'm just because i'm like to evolve. Like you were talking about his evolution. Trying to evolve as a person in this day and age, I think, would be difficult.

I mean, I don't know. I've never had interest in that too much. But keep in mind. All the things he said, jujitsu, that's a nice thing to do. Vegan, that's a nice. It's just that if you're not really that person, you come off as a douchebag i guess yeah one would think anyone else you would say he's trying to reinvent himself he's trying to invent himself because he was never good at any of these things he sucked at comedy provenza for some reason paul provenza was the only one that was

just oh no this guy's gonna be great i used to argue with hennigan that you know what he'll one day be great i saw when he was young he did a lot of the things i used to do and talk as fast as he can and gulp air that's right oh yeah someone tweeted that and one of the things i read there was one tweet how could he possibly uh uh emotionally abuse a woman when he'd have to gulp that many breaths to i'm doing it at this justice patten osw, when this broke, had the fucking greatest tweet. He always does. And he said, Jamie Kilstein shows up with a suitcase and a frying pan in his hand, knocks at the door.

Milo Yapanapalapalus answers the door. Cue odd couple theme song. Annapolopoulos answers the door. Cue odd couple theme song. And then one of the girls that came out that was an accuser of him being a boundary crosser. What the fuck does that mean? Jesus, if you're going to start a mob mob you better fucking put the evidence out there otherwise take it out in a fucking personal you know your own court of law but if you're gonna start a fucking we've done this we've started twitter mobs but i had I had, it wasn't just on a, I told people why.

You're going to do that. You can't go, yes, I was also a victim of what, he made me feel uncomfortable in ways. What? Yeah. It's too amorphous. I landed on the same fucking side as you. I never know which side to fucking land on anything anymore.

I landed on the same side as you guys are, so I'm alright. He's 35. 35 years old, and he disappeared. Someone tweeted him last night when I was caught up in this, trying to fucking write my book, but I kept sneaking back, and the more I drink,

I gotta get more into the fucking gossip. Where he had tweeted and evidently took it down, I'm dying. And I texted him. I go, hey, just a friendly hello. Mobs are scary, but that's what happens when we court them for a living. And didn't hear back. No?

No. Allison Kilkenny, you got that right? They've been married since 2010. So you want to send them some muffins or something on the anniversary? He didn't respond back to the text.

It smelled like a suicide to me. Well, he had... It's like a suicide to me. No, really? Well, he had, like, that's the, it's like we talked about in the first part of this podcast. The one we're not supposed to mention. Got it. The guy in the shower. The guy in the shower.

Where he's, the terrorist is, the Eagles of Death Metal. Yeah, yeah, Eagles of Death Metal. The guy hiding in the shower. The the guy hiding in the guitar is hiding in this last corner of survival is where he was because he had nothing else going on dead end yeah dead end and so yeah you you fucking kill yourself if that's taken away from you. I could see that for sure. Steve Yanazari. He's the guy that lied about being in 9-11. The comedian. Is that how you say his name?

No. How'd you say it? Yanazari. It is. Raz and Zizi. Raz and Zizi. Fucking whatever. I'm sorry.

I'm still stuck on Milo Yapanopoulos. So I went. It's something. He ran as easy. Yeah, he lied about 9-11 being there. I remember that. But that blew over. No, no.

He fessed up. Right. He went on a junket where he got busted. And then went out and fessed up. The reason, the difference is he was funny. Like he was. I don't know that I. You make a good point. Yeah, I love it.

That's true. He was, enough people thought he was funny. I don't know that I've ever seen his act, but he was known as a funny guy. Jamie Kilstein was already smeared with shit in this business as unfunny and a douche and arrogant without any kind of backup. So he had nothing left but chicks liking him for being a dude who was a feminist. It's not that funny, but, you know, he sticks up for us. And that's what it's kind of

like hillary clinton she might not be the best female candidate but she has a cunt like us so i'm gonna vote for her because he had a fall i mean he has a following on twitter i looked i looked him up and right he had a lot of followers and uh he was verified and stuff what uh, he's verified? Who? How come Chad's not verified? Ran as easy or? No, he's talking about Kilstein. No, the first guy. Kilstein. Yeah.

Yeah. Because whenever, like I said, I saw these links and these fucking things that people were saying and I followed him and looked at stuff. Dude, diligence. Look at you. I looked at his tour dates. He was doing music now. He's playing in bands. It doesn't take that many people to start a career or keep uh

your overhead paid so he had that that's all he had and now jesus and you assume more shit's gonna come out i was just uh i was at a place where you fight the mob, because I don't want to defend him. I want to defend... What's right. I think what we want is more details. Because now you don't know whether you're going to be for him or against him, but based on what?

An accusation that has no basis in fact. Yeah, it's got to come down to the ground. It's too far up. The problem is when you say, I want more details, do you really want to be honest and say, I just want the details? It's nosy. That's what I said earlier. That's the only reason I followed any of these fucking links.

I don't know any of these people. I don't give a fuck. I was just nosy. I can't base my opinion of how he is as a human based on the set I saw in Amsterdam of, like, unfunny comedy. I can't, I mean, I can still like the guy based on, like, that he's a human.

I like him as a kid who slept on my floor that I gave a break to. And then, yeah, he just went douche, douche, douche down the stairs. These are serious accusations. I just like watching the Shirley Jackson story where they fucking stone the fucking one guy randomly fucking play out in front of me. I don't know any of this fucking. Wow, you just lost. The lottery.

Tracy's got me. But she has no mic. When does she have time to fucking research? She's crocheting or making drinks most of the fucking time. Or, like, fulfilling merch. A lot of people had to read the lottery in high school. That's the only reason I use it as a reference. Oh, it's a book.

Because I thought a lot of people knew the short story. Where they fucking just kill the fucking one person randomly because in society you have to fucking kill a guy once in a while. It's kind of like The Purge or Logan's Run. I don't remember how that one worked. Anyway, we'll watch. Didn't get too old. I don't see the Kilstein thing playing out well for him.

see the killstein thing playing out well for him i don't imagine that it really is an inappropriate back rub but i know that in those hardcore social circles it's like uh people who get a oh uh he told me a bawdy joke fucking Fucking Clarence Thomas. He made a joke about long dong silver and a fucking pubic hair on a Coke can. He can't be the fucking. That's how fucked up they are. So God knows. And the fact that he took down his own Twitter and basically has admitted that he did something inappropriate. In his world, something inappropriate could have been... Fucking around with other chicks while you're married is inappropriate. In a lot of fucking eyes.

I mean, you know what I mean? There's a lot of different levels. If you're just fucking around with people... Wait, having sex with another woman that's not your wife is inappropriate. That's what I meant. I'm sorry. Having sex with another woman that's not your wife is inappropriate. Giving a back rub, that seems very low on the scale of inappropriate. What you could get fired for from a straight job. If you worked at H&R Block and then you made an off-color joke about, hey, you know, the difference between a blowjob and a thing is a blowjob.

I'm just sexual harassment. Yeah, that happens all the difference between a blowjob and a thing is a blowjob. I'm just sexual harassment. Yeah, that happens all the time in the real world. It doesn't happen in comedy until you make comedy that sacrosanct and you're trying to put human resources rules from fucking JCPenney into comedy. It's the wrong arena. So who knows what he will finally admit to. Yes, I did say the N-word, but I was quoting someone else's use of the N-word.

And I ate a gummy bear, which has animal protein. So now the vegans hate me too. Gummy bears actually have animal protein tonight. Gelatin. It can't happen. I'm seeking therapy. It can't happen without gelatin. By the way, when you said that,

like someone saying something bawdy in front of other people and then someone complains, it's never at the moment where you could shut it down. That coworker who says something and you go, hey, listen, man, that's inappropriate. Never happens there. No way. It happens in HR or it happens somewhere later where someone says, and you know what happened? There you go.

He said this. And it's like, you should do something. They're in the nursing room at their corporate silicon valley fucking like milking for their their babies or something they're fucking they're kibitzing about this shit it's like if you would have just said hey listen rick not cool done it would be over but they wait and they get built up this head of steam and it's i understand i'm the guy who tells that fucking weird off-color thing, but someone goes, hey, fucking Shelly, shut the fuck up. Done.

That's it. That's not how it happens. Or it happens the same way it happens in court, where they want to bust you for this, like the staircase. They want to bust you for this, so they're going to use all this other shit that's technically, well, he did do this. Well, you just don't like him because he talks a lot and he doesn't brush his teeth and you want him fired.

So you're going to use that one thing where if the cute guy at work said it, you'd go, oh, he did a blowjob joke. I thought about blowing him. Go ahead. Chad, what were you going to say? I have no idea. Oh, all right. But you said it so well.

I don't remember. Oh, I think I was going to tell a story about the time whenever i had an inappropriate thing at work it could have been solved easily i worked in the mind like right at the moment i got i worked in the minds and i had to wear a undershirt and an over shirt and we went in for lunchtime and i took off my over shirt and hung it on the chair to eat lunch and it was uh my shirt that i got a george carlin concert when i was in the army and on the back of it it said simon says go fuck yourself there you go and i didn't even think about it i'm just eating fucking lunch in 30 minutes i gotta put my other fucking shirt back on and my sweaty shirt back on and go

to work and this woman that was i worked with uh had she had she had got a bunch of people fired before i worked in this area because she is same type thing she uh actually had a kid with the supervisor had a relationship and then she went and said hey this is they're sexually harassing me around here and a bunch of people got fired so i was one of the replacements that came in to replace some people. Oh, job creators. Scab. And, well, yeah.

And the only guy who was left, he looked like he was 80 years old. This is guy Frank, and this guy Frank would just fucking sit there with his head down the entire time. And after a while, I was like, hey hey why won't frank fucking talk to anybody you know everybody you know everybody just chatting and everybody says uh oh that's because frank's the only one left this fucking chick here had everybody else fired on sexual rights the whole crew yeah frank was the only guy left and he was in on it too he just so instead of her addressing me that i had uh inappropriate slogan on my shirt she went to hr yeah oh that cunt and uh said you know so i got called in and they had to talk to me and

you know what happened and i told she's not in the room no no just me why would anyone have to face anyone that they're complaining about yeah god forbid the thing was was that it fucking pissed me off enough at the time because i was already friends with the guy in hr by that point i didn't bother me but he's what happened and i told him you know right i took my fucking over shirt off and hung it up we're all men working in a mine and i'm like i took my over shirt off at lunch i forgot i had an inappropriate shirt sorry i won't wear that shirt anymore. Yeah. Are we done? And he says, yeah, absolutely. You know, that sounds logical.

We're done. I go, okay, well, while I'm here, this woman likes to write Bible verses on the fucking whiteboard every day, and her Bible is all, she's got religious pamphlets everywhere during the lunch hour. It's just religious non-stop, man. She's fucked constantly. The gal who fucked someone at work. The same

woman? The same woman. Can we do something about this while we're on the topic? Valid. Absolutely. And that was the day that Frank became my best friend. Old timer.

So yeah, she had to put away all her religious material and wasn't allowed to write religious verses on the whiteboard and shit. And you can still wear the fuck shirt underneath your over shirt. You just couldn't take it off. That's civil disobedience, brother. Right there. I love the stories of globe corporate culture. Globe Arizona.

Hey, let's piss, and then we can come back. Tom Kanopka's going to fucking anecdote. And then we're going to get some viewer mail. Blue Apron. Yeah. Actually, let's go to Blue Apron right now. Yeah. This episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron.

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What? Paquillo pepper sauce. Paquillo? Paquillos. Oh, okay. I thought you said paquillo. What language are we reading this? Paquillo pepper sauce. Pequillo? Pequillos. Pequillo. Okay, that is a Pequillo. What language are we reading this? Pequillo's wrong. Pequillo.

Pequillo. That's good. Piccolo. Piccolo. I always wondered how you spelled Piccolo. Woodwind. Piccolo pepper sauce. I was thinking the firework.

That's actually a brass instrument, isn't it, Tracy? I was fucking solid until I hit that. It was fucking, you were flowing, brother. Chicken yakinuki with sesame marinated carrots and garlic rice. Falafel pitas with roasted sweet potato and yogurt sauce. I always thought falafel was meat. It's chickpeas. Yeah, chickpeas, exactly.

Doug's like, I hate it already. Awful falafel. You would like it. You would like it. It actually is great's like, I hate it already. Awful, awful. You would like it. You would like it. It actually is great. Yeah, it's really good. I've had to look up so many words since reading these. You can get your first three meals.

Hold on, wait a minute. How do I get my first three meals? I was about to say that. I just wanted you to pause. Before you get to how do you get your first three meals, this is what makes me scared on the road. Here at home, yeah, you give me fucking picadillo sauce, and I'm fine.

If I don't like it, then I just don't eat that part. And if nothing else, I have some microwaved fucking Kraft macaroni and cheese in the cupboard. On the road, that's why I eat shit is because I go to a nice restaurant, and if I don't know what fucking piccadillo sauce is, I go, let's just go to Subway. Fuck this, because I'm all angry and stuff. But here, yeah, when you're at home, it's delivered to your door.

Fuck it. Well, you bring up a good point because I'm getting ready to leave. Tracy and I are going to the convention in St. Louis, and I have to take a break. And so I paused everything, and when I come back, I'll start it up again. The commitment is not solid. It doesn't happen every week. You can actually put it on hold.

That's cool. That's a feature of Blue Apron. That's cool. Go ahead, Chad. If it's a pepper sauce, I'm going to eat it, even. That's cool. That's a feature of Blue Apron. That's cool. Go ahead, Chad. If it's a pepper sauce, I'm going to eat it, even if it's pekillo, and I don't know what that is. I'm going to try it. I didn't know that's peppers.

Peppers. Pepper sauce. It might be fucking squid. Well, it says pepper sauce. That's probably why. That's the pekillo pepper sauce. Second and third word in the. Well, I was focused on the 17 pronunciations of peccadillos.

Peccalo what? word in the i just i was focused on the 17 pronunciations of picadillos piccolo what you can get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope that's blueapron.com slash stanhope blue apron a better way to cook nailed it good well i'm not gonna repeat what he said you don't have to. I was just like. You just pointed at me. No, I thought you were going to do the end, but he did a great job at that. We're going to talk to Tom about what he cooked last. Oh, shit. Oh, I took that out.

Fuck it. No, he doesn't. We'll do it live. Fuck it. We'll do it live. How much do we milk that quote? Pick it up. It's all right.

Who did that? Was that Bill O'Reilly? Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah's all right. Who did that? Was that Bill O'Reilly? Oh, Jesus. All right. You hate the fact that he's always right. Anyway, Tom. Just ask him. He'll tell you. What did you make last from Blue Apron, Tom? Funny you should ask

that. Let me see. Seared chicken and pan sauce with apple, kale, and potato hash. Wow. Hash. That sounds good. Yeah.

Actually, it was good. Let me see. It was like we talked once before. Tom, do you like cooking? Yeah. Actually, I'm enjoying it more and more. I really am. Were you ever like a guy that enjoyed cooking?

Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. We don't know if we put this on you against your will. We don't want to Jamie Kilstein you into cooking. I wasn't Kilstein. Listen, you're crossing boundaries. I got to go into the rolling pin. Come on, motherfucker.

No, I mean, I was schooled properly. I watched Henry's Kitchen for the last two or three months. And yeah, so that prepped me. Hi, Henlips. I watched Henry's Kitchen for the last two or three months. And yeah, so that prepped me. Hi, Henlips. Well, some of the instructions might be a little different from Henry's Kitchen. Just a tad. But it really, this was one of those things.

It's one of those things, if I was cooking, I wouldn't think, you know, saute some potatoes with apple. It's not a common thing that I would do. Oh, I remember wrote it out that was really good it was with the kale i mean the shit really is good i'm allowed to say that we've tricked doug plenty of times with kale and there was no cauliflower yeah honestly and no cauliflower in my head kale is awful spinach Spinach is good. In smoothies, I'll put spinach. Kale in my head is awful. It's the most nutritious of them all, actually. That's the problem. Yeah. Well, this is the thing.

You tell Doug something's nutritious, it's fucking over. You can't even set the plate in front of him. If you set the plate in front of him and it's vegetarian pulled pork and he doesn't know it because it has tons of barbecue sauce on it. Hank sauce. He will say, hey, that's fucking good. What is that? It's like, ah, it's just some pork.

Can I back up for one second? I had to order Hank sauce online. I got 12 bottles of camouflage coming. Even though we gave them a de facto sponsorship they never sent us any goddamn more hang sauce so i bought it well that's marketing yeah god can i go back further what the fuck is vegetarian pulled pork uh jackfruit that clarifies it it's like jack sauce but different just the weirdest fucking thing. Vegetarian pulled pork. Bingo has it in the freezer. I'll make it for

you afterwards. They actually sell it now at Whole Foods and stuff, but it's a fruit from the Philippines, I believe. You prepare it like you would prepare pulled pork, but instead of pork. Same texture? Interesting. Almost. We found another

thing. Similar texture with barbecue sauce. You fucking loved it. Almost. We found another thing. But it's a similar texture with barbecue sauce. You fucking loved it the one time I gave it to you and didn't tell you what it was. Then I brought it here and handed it to you again and walked out the door and as you're biting it, I go, hey, that's vegetarian. It's jackfruit. I came back

later. There was one bite out of the fucking sandwich and that was it. That was horrible, you said. And I made it exactly the same way except less barbecue sauce see it's the barbecue sauce is exactly what i just said or you told them exactly jenny makes uh jenny makes spaghetti out of spaghetti squash oh that's good i love that absolutely i've done that before and i think that uh blue apron might be uh working on the same kind of project from what I've heard from Internal Affairs. Go ahead, Tom.

Doug with his fingers on the pulse of what's happening over at Corporate Blue Apron. Yeah, the bottom line was is ultimately when I brought it out, I think I shared it with you, Shayla. It was great. It's as simple as that. All the little finishing stuff. What is pan sauce? The pan sauce was butter.

They fry up a fairy. Yeah, they will. That's the part I loved that. I didn't want to fry up any fairies. No, it's like a little roux at the end. A roux? Look at this guy. And then I garnished it.

What's a roux? It roux. Look at this guy. A roux? And then I garnished it, yeah. What's a roux? Don't even ask. It's a fucking street in France where the fucking people, 89 people were killed. A roux is where you sort of burn a sauce. Are you kidding me? It's butter and flour, guys. It's French for road.

And it's a roux, yeah. Yeah. It is. The Bataclan or wherever the fucking- Bataclan. Yeah, that is. The balaclan or wherever the fucking... Bataclan. Yeah, that's on rue to fucking murder. The rue morgue. Yeah, yeah.

Murder at rue morgue, exactly. Looking for it as looking for it. You killed it. And then at the end, of course, we garnished it with almonds and then it says, enjoy. I did. Delicious. It was great.

It was a winning... It's another winning dish. I look forward to the next... The great thing about about blue apron is if you don't like almonds just fucking chuck them out for the birds i don't like almonds there you go i get i get some planters peanuts i have for football people i'll put those on there it needs fucking peanuts yeah i hate almonds not hearty with the almonds i love almonds so do Apron a better way to cook. I already did Blue Apron. Do it right now.

Blue Apron a better way to cook. You know what's weird about Blue Apron is since we've been sponsored by them? Yeah. Is I get a lot of tweets of people that I really have a not low opinion. Tracy is shaking the glass. Can anybody hear? Listen, it disrupts the podcast if I say something. But if I do this, I know all the listeners, they're playing the drinking game.

They're having to drink every time I do it. Go ahead. game yeah having to drink they just found it yeah go ahead i just guess that my fan base i always look at the lowest common denominator i look at my fan base as the most annoying guy after a show james inman no fan base not not the humps that i've drug along into this process where people go, hey, I'm actually doing Blue Apron. It's fucking great. My fans can actually cook. I have to beg Tom Konopka to do this for me because I would be scared to cook.

Oh, this fucking Blue Apron is great. Well, it's probably because you live behind a dumpster and that's where you get your mail behind the dumpster at one two three four anywhere town usa uh but yeah people are actually fucking loving it so i don't i don't mind plugging it i i'm writing a book i'm eating frozen dinners. Salisbury steak. Now, I also saw after Hennegan, after Brian did the last two killer blue apron spots, now I'm seeing people with pictures.

I just did the udon noodles and whatnot that he was riffing off of. It was so strong. They're tweeting pictures? Yeah, they're actually tweeting pictures. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Well, you have to put it with the alcohol that we drink. So have a Negroni beside the picture or... Yeah.

What are we drinking tonight? I'm drinking the fucking Jet Lacy brought us the strawberry watermelon jalapeno margaritas. Chad, where were we when we discovered these? The water park. No, we were in Tucson at that sports bar. We crashed your... That was a water park.

No, we crashed your anniversary. Oh, was that the first place we had? It wasn't a water park. It was a resort that had a water park. Believe me, it's not a water park. But that's what's on the sign. We crashed. a water park. Believe me, it's not a water park.

But that's what's on the sign. We crashed. Chad said, Jenny and I are going up to Tucson to a resort for our anniversary, and we go, that sounds good. We're doing that again this summer, I hope. So are we. That's what I'm saying. That's what I mean, all of us. When are we going?

That's what I'm saying, all of us. What's our anniversary? We need to get the dates, because we need to get the loft house or the condo where it's all in one building by the little pool. I memorized the room numbers, and now I've forgotten. 240. 240?

No, I just made that up to seem like I knew what I was talking about. That's convincing. We don't want second floor. 140. You're in 240. No, it was the top floor the the stairs led right down into the pool that we took over but we need both the bottom of it yeah no we want those rooms you can be in 240 we'll be in 140 and we'll and i'll be in 420 thank you we'll assume that the spillage from your spaghetti bag will leak through the drop ceiling down onto us.

Are we allowed to do callbacks now? Oh, yeah. He's done it the whole time. Yeah. I remember when we first started doing Blue Apron. And I'm like, there you go. It's the number one fucking service that does this. I got it all right here if you want to read that.

The point is, I remember when we first started doing it, I would make jokes about as opposed to who else. And now I see not only are other people doing it, there's a service to send toys and treats to your pets. Yeah, yeah. And I've seen three different ones of those advertised. Weekly. Uncomfortable, yeah.

Weekly. Can you imagine how many fucking steppy, squeaky toys? Or treats. Yeah. But they send you dog food on a regular basis, too. Well, this is different. This is a pet box to where it's like a blue apron, but it's only for your pet.

And I saw three of those. And then I see three other. You know what? Fuck those other blue aprons. They're not blue apron. They're like red apron. Like you love the Kremlin. All right. Blue apron.

It's a better way to cook. Well, you know what? Chicken panned. Bring that up again. We'll vote on it. We can stop anytime. You've already done your commercial. Your fucking your your bitch

ass wife allison kilkenny yes she's a better way to cook all right that's that makes me sound misogynist no ties in though yeah well you know what if you're gonna fucking marry a guy that unfunny and then say that he was uh emotionally abusive yeah there's a lot of crowds that have filled out emotionally abusive in a comment card he abused my emotion that makes me laugh please don't't book Jamie Kilstein back. Hey, that's his commercial, right? Yeah. Everyone can enjoy that. Almost everyone.

Yeah. All right. Fan mail. I have a lot. We're saving one. One of the best. I don't know if it goes anywhere, but I'm saving that fucking crazy chick. This is one I didn't send because it seemed funny at the time.

I wrote my response, and then I sent it to Chad and Chaley. response and then i sent it to chad and chaley this is an email you got and the response that you crafted never got sent only to us yeah i just saw it last night i never even saw it it was two problems one it was so long i got this email and first of all if you're gonna email me anything of length put paragraphs in it return return like like a spacer it is one whole block of letters just yeah it's this whole chunk of fucking kino of letters looks like hieroglyphics so the the subject line says my girlfriend just hung herself and i found her thankfully i'm a lot like you doug so these are emails i feel like i have a responsibility to respond to yeah that's fucked up come Come on, you're going to appreciate it. That's a good start. Well, I thought it meant that

you also used the word hung instead of hanged. That's Globe Arizona. Step it up, America. I research suicide a lot. I know the difference. I'm impressed.

I didn't even catch that. The only time it's okay in a Twitter battle to point out a misspelling or a typo, grammar, is if they're talking about how stiped you are or the like. If they're trying to say you're of you're an idiot and they're just you're instead of you are yeah yeah i think it's funny if you trivialize that somebody else's uh significant person uh hanged themselves too i was not that's why i tried to read through this unbearably unparagraphed unreadable block of fucking long yeah and it was a i did i did read it all and i was angry because i'm writing a book where i wake up and the first thing i should do

is reread the shit i wrote last night when i was at my drunkest and fix that but i don't want to do that so now i'm trying to read this impossibly crammed chunk of words knowing that i should be working on my own book but this guy he just had his girlfriend hangers hanged her hung to herself i don't know what the fuck. Hung it in. So I feel like obligated and also exempted from working because this, and it just went on and on. And then today he sent it again with paragraphs as though he was reading my mind, but made it even longer easier to read but longer more detailed and it's it's a horrifying story the guy uh they called themselves doug and bingo they a funny pet names kind of thing like yeah they they would listen to the podcast and

she's so much like bingo and i'm so much like you and was just so much unnecessary detail to the point where i'm like i won't read my own book because it sickens me because it's the same way as hearing your own voice my own words words. Hey, no one cares about me. Why am I even writing a book? And then it gets to the end of the email, and he says, God damn it, this is the fucking first version that we printed off. No, I didn't get the second one. That was the one he sent me.

I know, I know, I know. But I'm trying to get to the point where he says I play in an international touring band and have developed a following based on my nihilistic and often misanthropic takes on

humanity I shared a video on my page I'd love if you guys watch it he wants to come to bisbee he said that was their dream was to come to bisbee and hang out now he says i'm in an international touring band maybe you would consider having me down for a podcast or even to hang out i can assume there is plenty to talk about that you'd find interesting. My name is blah, blah, blah.

The video can be seen, da, da, da. And I thought, fuck, what if I know this band? And then I Googled the name. And shit eagles of death metal no no no so i did not i wrote back just to you didn't send it to him holy shit i knew your name sounded familiar and then i was like fuck he's the guitarist for Binary Code. I've been listening to you since I first heard Suspension of Disbelief. Like, what, almost 10 years ago? I can't believe you know who I am.

I'm a big fan of Revocation, and I'm pretty close friends with Brett Bamberger. Big fan, big fan. Huge. Close friend. I know you guys used to tour together. That's fucking cool, man. Sorry to hear about your gal. Nothing you can say.

There's some things in life that you think you just can't drink the pain away. But I've learned that over the years, yeah, you can. If you're persistent and dedicated and commit to it daily you can drink away almost any pain or emotion but it isn't that easy at first as for visiting bisbee i don't think we'll be around much for entertaining company my new book is due and i then i start touring besides you'd probably just want to rough me up after finding out the truth. I thought, wouldn't it be cool if I actually knew this band

before I responded to you? But I didn't. But I stitched together some names and facts through a quick Google search just to make that opening paragraph. Keep your chin up, Captain Stanhope. That's fucking great. I didn't send it to him, even though his subject says,

thankfully, I'm a lot like you, Doug. I didn't trust that me saying, oh, my God, I can't believe you're emailing me would be as funny to him after his girlfriend he just found swinging in a closet. Yeah. Not so much timing. So I will, uh,

uh, uh, uh, binary code. This is, uh, from, uh,

God damn it. Jesse, Jesse from binary code. I, uh, Jesse Jesse from binary code I uh I sympathize and yeah that's really fucked up and uh I didn't send that because I didn't want you to stop right after I mentioned some internal and fucking Brad Burberry what's his name who anyway Ray Bradbury I was a ray brad i'm pretty close

friends with brett bamberger i just found that they had toured together and i just that's some strong bullshit right there bamberger played on like uh one of the kiss albums in the late 80s you were definitely avoiding work there yeah you can see it strong who's who's supposed to be writing a book that's some strong avoidance of work right there but yeah i didn't send it but uh hey yeah uh the same rules apply about you visiting bisbee i'll be gone we're not company. We're so happy football season's over, and I just try to figure out how to not make football season happen again.

The last and final football season has happened at the Funhouse. Yes. Yes. Yes. There's no more football here. Oh. I have to cut my green chili recipe down to like in sixth

I don't have to make a whole pot I have to make like I have to make a pan of hatch green chilies we can still watch fights here I don't want all these TVs to go to waste I'm talking about just the out of townsmen

we've even noodled the locals down I'm talking about just the out-of-townsmen. Yeah. We've even noodled the locals down to just the fucking hard course. I still don't come over here unless you specifically ask me to come over. Which is, that's a confusing message. The fact that you don't come over here, that's a confusing message. Maybe we're sending it out wrong. You're supposed to be over here. I think it's I'm the only one listening. Let's get to thank yous

and plugs. Let's plug Henry's movie. You go. I'll tell you right now. I'm in the fucking movie. And you didn't know that until we all saw you on the screen here during the Farts Festival. It's like, oh yeah, I guess I did that. By the way, great job. Louis C.K.-esque, but

you know, that's what you do when you're playing yourself. Punching Henry on Rotten Tomatoes, 90%. That's the tomato meter. The higher towards 100 is, I just found this out recently from John Norris with my other podcast. Hey, John. I didn't know where that. He's not allowed to mention the name.

I can't say it. Doug told me it's too much cross promotion. Audience score, 89%. It's fucking right up there. And this just came up last week. It got fucking rave reviews. Chad hasn't seen it. I have seen it.

I saw it here. Well, you saw it outside. Okay, I listened to a lot of it. It was easier to watch outside. It was still fucking one of the greatest movies in a long time. It's the sequel to Punching the Clown and has a ton

of fucking cameos. I am actively looking to do a screening here in Bisbee. I've talked to them. I've talked to the Royale. We're talking to the Royale about doing a lot of shit because we don't want to leave bisbee why would you why would you so uh i don't know what what else you want me to say it's oh it's on no hold on it's on itunes and amazon uh

chad got the uh the the tweet today i saw it it. Just fucking Google Punching Henry. Yeah, it's everywhere now. That's that easy. Just do it right now. Pause the thing. Wherever you buy movies, if you buy them on iTunes or Amazon, go to movies. No, it's in theaters. I know, but it's on-

It's in 10 cities. Major markets. Major markets. It's going to be there as well. And if it's in Bisbee, we will have plenty of advance. And yeah, I want to do it at the Royale. Yeah, we should do a fucking comedy festival here at the royale if they play ball you've said too much let's go on to the next thing our friends bird cloud bird cloud here you go march jesus

bird cloud is on tour with reverend horton heat wow uh the goddamn gallows i don't know who that is unknown hinson is the fucking the dude who is behind squid billies on adult swim that's the fucking the main dude oh i thought it was unknown henty sorry that's a just inside joke for the old school players but they're uh they are on tour tour, and that's a fucking great lineup. I wish we could actually go crash it. Mount Carmel, Knoxville, Charlotte, Columbia, Raleigh, Wilmington, and Charleston. There you go.

If you are, go see Bird Cloud. I mentioned them just one sentence in my book in closing. I'll put the links on DougStanup.com, right on the fucking main page. And it's in a whole life. You know what? What? I mentioned them once, but it's in a life-affirming way at the end of the book. Oh, okay.

Oh, the new book. My new book, yes. How would we know that? All right. So Tom Konopka, the chef of the, what's the name of our podcast? Doug Stanhope Podcast. He's the Blue Apron representative for the Doug Stanhope Podcast. He's one degree of separation from Blue Apron.

It tastes so good. Tom gets out a lot now. I don't know where he goes. Where are you going with this? He's secretive. He leaves the compound. You don't know. He sneaks out.

He comes back hours later. That's going to walk the compound. You don't know. He sneaks out. Reappears. He's not sneaking. Hours later. That's going to walk the dogs. No, this is in the afternoon. He does that in the morning. Oh, you mean lunch. He avoids Chris Dunwoody at the. Who doesn't?

Well, you can't help but be. Chris. Dunwoody when i go to fucking morning's cafe it's because i'm too hungover recording yeah yeah we're trying to get to thank yous but i'm trying to figure out how to get it in there i'm too fucking hungover if i'm at a goddamn restaurant it's because I'm too hungover. I cook better than any restaurant here for myself. Thank you, Blue Apron. Yeah. Yeah. No, they don't serve breakfast, and they should.

Let's get on them about. Oh, that's awesome. I'll fucking get on internal affairs. That's where it's going with all this. Good. Yes. That's when I can eat. Then I have to go start writing.

Then I get so fucking internally jammed up and anxiety driven that i can't fucking eat so i can only eat breakfast so i go to the one place where i'm too hung over to even look at people with my swollen fucking bloated alcoholic head and then chris dunwoody somehow works there he's 111 years old but he's a friend of ours tennis and he wants to talk to you pro yes he's nimble locally he's a pro yeah so are you he wants to tell you about it while you have a newspaper yeah at one point space invader tom i think you were with me where they said we're the only two people that sit there and read a newspaper. Everyone else is on their phones. Yeah.

But we have a newspaper. It's to hide my face so you won't. And they'll lean over your fucking newspaper. I'm only here because I'm too hungover to actually cook an egg in a microwave. Does that make you think I want to chat? Anyway. Does that make you think I want to chat? Anyway.

I love this idea that we should open a restaurant that's only open during the time that Doug wants to have a meal. Like one meal. That is a brilliant idea. And it's only open during that period of time that he walks in. Like Tom goes up and flips the sign over from closed to open. Yeah, the dice tables, the roulette comes out. Here you go. Coming out.

Crap 11 to 7. Here's a whale. He's going to get his one scrambled egg and one piece of white wheat toast. Yeah. Listen, you guys. They come in teams. Hurry up and order. Doug's already put his order in.

And as soon as his order's done, we shut the grill down. That's one of my snap moments anywhere on the road or anywhere i have breakfast i go but i just want one piece of wheat toast because i don't like to waste i won't eat well they come in twos charge me for two and just give me one because i hate to waste. Yeah. We talked about it. Tom's on board. Yes. Even the Chaley's. That's how I got so fat. Food waste.

Yep. Yep. Eating the extra egg that comes when he orders one and there's two. And they always give you fucking two. And they also. Mornings is good. They all have a fucking build a breakfast on the fucking menu. Like, tell us what you want.

Yeah. But don't tell them you want less than what they offer yeah because you know never because then they feel like they have to take something off your bill no you don't it's not right we need to charge yeah another fucking thing now that i'm getting fired up yeah fucking pizza places just Just have pizza And What you want to put on it Don't go ooh it's the Maximilian Shell

It has fucking oysters And it has this Just give a pizza place Menu should be pizza And all the ingredients you should Put on it don't make up It's the fucking St. Valentine's Day massacre. And it's got fucking bullet holes and Swiss cheese or what?

Just give me the fucking things. Don't make up what you think. I should be recording this because I think he's working through a set right now. Yeah. He's got it. Shut it. I don't need any hecklers on my podcast. We need to do some thank yous.

Yeah, thank you. Holy shit. Marianne Hanley. Hang on. Marianne Hanley sent me. You know what, Marianne? I wrote this. Oh, she sent Bingo that Bingo watch, which is cool.

And it has a rolled-up dollar bill. I still can't tell if that's made to look like a blow dollar bill. It is. She showed me it. It is. All right. What else could it be? I mean, that's immediately what we thought.

She said she sent me a shirt, too, or something. I don't know. I wrote these notes down a long time ago. But thank you, Marianne Hanley, my old next-door neighbor who corrupted me. sent me a shirt too or something i don't know i wrote these notes down a long time ago but thank you marianne hanley my old next door neighbor who corrupted me from the mumbling skulls and i gave you my cat's skull that i boiled and then bleached uh someone sent the amazon gift card where it's goddamn little things here all right i don't know who sent what, but let me thank you, Joanne Cannon and Chris Kilroy.

Something about something. I can't read. Oh, Marianne Hanley. And then some dude sent me a fucking gas mask from the Pentagon. Are you still doing that steel shit from work and send it to you? Because here's an old gas mask. It's expired. That was a thing like to get out of a building

that's on fire. It's like a plastic, like non-meltable plastic that you put over your face to run out of a building. But the rest of it is fucked. No, your head will be preserved. Your body will be charred.

Great concept. All right, quickly. Soraya K casen from phoenix i am a huge fan and i would love an autographed photo i don't have photos that's like 1990s like if you had a headshot that doesn't happen yeah i know you go to your dry cleaner and you see uh like fred fucking williamson from a thing, from the Bert Convy from the Love Boat signed a thing. We don't have

8x10s or photos. I'd have to take a photo and then print it off at the At the photo thing. The photo mat. Actually, we don't have photo mats anymore. I don't have photos.

You want a fucking autograph, you buy a thing and I sign it. Or you go to a show and have a thing, I'll sign it. The merch page on DougStanhope.com slash store actually has the sticker pack, which is now I think nine or ten stickers. And one of them that we throw in is a photograph of the Doug Stanhope baseball card. Cool. Take that. Stewart. Stewart is the one who sent the gas mask of whatever.

It was expired. It was an expired gas mask from the Pentagon. This guy, you have one of these too. Yeah. Yeah, Garrett. That looks like a ransom note. I know. It's very, it's not bingo, Hedberg font.

Specific, yeah. But he does have a very unique, not penmanship. It is on a recipe card. Well, it's all capital letters, which I do too. So maybe that's a crazy person thing. card well it's all capital letters which I do too so maybe that's a crazy person thing yeah but it's distinct dear Doug last year I've been

in and out of rehab digging up mother is really a good rehab book it helps me be distracted from the exorbitant medical fees and repeated psychiatric hospital stays that are racking up shit. Well, looking forward to your next book. Keep on keeping on.

Garrett, what's yours say? Mine would be representative of a lot of stuff that people send me online and things. So thanks generally, but thanks to Garrett. It's this dear Chad Shank. No homo whatsoever. Your sultry deep voice gets me kind of through my suicidal shit. You make the podcast solid. Hope you're using that golden voice in more audio books.

If not, it's cool. I don't really give a shit, but I just wanted to send good vibes your way. Peace, Garrett. Thanks, Garrett. How's your erotica audio stuff going? I'm still too self-conscious about any of my stuff to do any auditions yet. I'm still trying to learn.

I'll probably start putting stuff for free out before I do that. No, no, no. Wait, wait. You have the staley management team. Just staley? I get it. I'm going to write it down so I can incorporate it tomorrow.

Chael Hope. Whatever. Make us your fucking managers and we'll field. I'm on board with that. I have no idea. Well, you have to come to us. Well, I don't know. You're the fucking podcast unbookable where you just won't put

any. Tell us. He's the podcast Andy Andrews. These are, I don't want to write a book. Giving a shit is hard, man. I don't like giving a shit. I like Shale Hope. No, but you tell us. We give a shit for you.

That's what Brian does for me. I do better if I have a directive. Shale says do like this, like we did earlier. Instruction. Yeah. if I have a direct if Shayla says do you know do like this like we did earlier right yeah yeah do you know how many people that listen to this podcast would listen

to gay erotica just because it's read by you you just buy it because yes yeah actually fuck it let's do it do it write it down Shayla I. Write it down, Chaley. I already wrote it down.

We are going to start going into the gay erotica business. Absolutely. Congratulations, Chad. All right. I'm game. We're doing it. Hold on. Now he's game.

Yeah. You've had the offer. The only reason we're even talking about this is because you've been dragging your feet. Why would we let someone else? I'm still trying to learn. Do you know how? You do, actually. Know how hard it is to try to edit yourself.

I have to listen to myself over and over. Edit yourself? What's that all about? I have to listen to my own voice, and it's horrible. All I do, you talked about it with your book. All I do is just listen. I record something, and then I listen, and I go i go that's horrible why would anybody ever listen to that that's fucking it's gotten so it's gotten so easy erotica because then we're fucking done

now we're all that's all in house you just gotta open it with the i'm not a homo like that guy did no homo whatsoever nothing it's so what all you test it too much all tom has to do is just get gay erotica and change three words so it's there's no in stand-up comedy if someone steals your entire work you can sue them uh or or shit on them no one in gay erotica is gonna go hey that was my thing i wrote for fucking open manhole magazine so first is fucking blue apron now a gay erotica what the fuck there's only four ways to peel an orange i mean let's be honest dear open manhole i never thought this would happen to me all right chad uh doug i'm i will be serious about that i'm not fucking kidding i know i saw i saw that i just don't know if it should be i don't know if it's erotic i don't know if it should be shale hope or uh staley but either one of those are going to be the production company umbrellaed under Meatberg.

I'm in. Doug, I would so much rather write gay erotica than about my own life I'm bored with. Absolutely. Let's do this. Let's get to Chad's thank yous and wrap this motherfucker up. I got a shit ton of thank yous. You do. You've been an absent that's true

glad to have you back yeah I got oh Dave V I don't know how to say your Vasilik

he knows he knows who he is you're close enough kind of Veracruz seal Dave Veracruz seal Chad thanks for all the laughs that you and the stanhope crew

provide me every day on my daily commute to and from work i thought you might be able to use these for your new career in voiceover work and they are this fucking badass set of headphones. Well, brand them. Audio Technica Quiet Point. They're, I don't know. They're fucking nice. There's something I'm not supposed to see in this. What? Oh, no. Hold on. But, yeah, those are

really good headphones. Fantastic. Thank you, Dave. That's very nice of you. Oh, this is Christopher. oh oh here it is there hold on yo you you take your time because i'm still fucking rapid cycling on gay erotica oh dude what if we just could quit comedy we'd still podcast this is the i can show you all of the things right now that are out there for gay erotica and they're uh for audiobook for they have two different things they have pay per hour per finished hour which if it's that i don't make anything at all on it what if you can't

finish but yeah paid per load finish means something different in this context. But they have one that's called Royalty Share, where it's based on how many units it sells. That's it. You go 50-50. What if we sell our own gay erotica? What if we steal? Jamie Kilstein just lost a huge fan base that we could pick up with gay erotica.

All you have to do is write Gay Erotica and then submit it to the website ACX.com and then I can pick it up and read it and we can have Gay Erotica on Audible. I think our only gay friend is Butters, but he pretends to not be gay, but maybe he'd be so good at this. Butters has been secretly writing

Gay Erotica for years, I bet. He's inspired it. He's got some. we just met the guy, the Miss Gay Rodeo, when we were up in Phoenix. We've got a plethora... I'll have to read dude's AI. If we have one gay fan out there,

what do you want to hear about? Give us a dirt. I can write around... You give me the plot. Yeah, tweet at Real Tom Konopka. You know, Twitter doesn't give you that demographic does it how many are gay they tell you chad who uh who nor do the polls tell you who's really gonna vote for trump this this from christopher it says uh chad just wanted to send you guys a little something to say thank you for the podcast.

Enclosed are t-shirts for you, Bingo, Stanhope, and Shaylee. In reference to yours, haven't been suicidal. In reference to yours, haven't been suicidal at times myself. I have the same shirt. I don't know. I haven't looked at that shirt yet. Sorry. Eventually, duh.

Fucking. All right. Hold on. OK. CDs. Chad, you're at 2X, right? Three more. 1,600 calories a day. You're not at XL. Oh, fuck, dude. Look at the back.

That's great. It's a black t-shirt. It says Shank on the back with the number 68 and the front of it says do not resuscitate holy shit that's the first time i looked at that that's fucking great christopher so now i'll read that part because it makes sense it says uh having been suicidal myself i have the same shirt but with the printing on the back eventually it dawned on me that if the situation

ever arose i would most likely end up on my back and no one would see it so i had yours printed on the front i hope this helps that's great then he sent some cds and it says the music is a collection of some of my favorite fucked up happy and fucked up sad songs from 44 years of being a full-time drug addict and part-time alcoholic i think you guys might particularly enjoy blue flies rap from 1980 i made the cd for doug when he was doing his tin can rehab and never got around to sending it uh just a side note i'm no longer a drug addict or alcoholic but i still occasionally enjoy drugs and every couple of years i get shit-faced drunk to remember why the fuck i don't drink anymore i encourage all fellow junkies to quit being addicts and go back to joining drugs occasionally.

Who is that? Christopher. P.S. Take care of Bingo. She is a national treasure to all us misfits in the world. I wish I had half the balls that girl does. Thanks, Christopher. One of the T-shirts he showed behind your back was, the front says, Master Podcaster.

Yeah. He sent you that, too. And he has one for Bingo that has Bingo written really small with this decorative thing on the front. He's screaming those. Or he's spending a lot of money to have one company make one. Send this to all the podcasts. That's fucking great. That's so fucking great. You got one more, right? I have two more. I have this one

as a... Oh shit, yeah. It says, sending my hard-earned cash to make sure you can get to Doug's house. I love the podcast and enjoy hearing you on it. It helps to unwind from another shitty day at work. Hope this helps get your engine fixed, Mike.

And Mike sent me a check for $100. Thanks a lot, Mike. Thank you, Mike. Hey, man. Now Chad has to go to the bank, open a bank account, sign his name, and cash a check. That's a different kind of psychopath I have a wife Just sign it over

I'd be waking up with leaves in my fucking hair tomorrow If I didn't have a wife I'd get taken care of This is still This is the one that Doug hasn't seen You gotta open that one Yeah This is a big long box

This is a Like two and a half, three feet long Look at it Doug that's a head gasket this is uh from uh misguided mormon it says hi chad enjoy your gift i can only find the picture of your truck in a ditch after a meth head stole it i can tell it was a mid to late 90s model 1500 Chevy. That was one of the greatest gestures in the world. Misguided Mormon. That truck got totaled by the meth head.

I don't have that truck anymore. I'm pretty sure it probably needs a head gasket though. And a toe. I actually have... The meth head only fucked it up partially and then my daughter i told her you can drive it in town but don't drive it out of town and she tried to drive it out of town and i had absolutely no money on the day that she called me and said the truck is broke down on the side of the road. So I went over there and looked at it. The engine was seized. So there's nothing I could do.

I had to pay to get it towed back to my house. Yeah. It was a dilemma because if I could pay to get it towed back, it would cost me a couple hundred dollars. And then I could part the truck out. Sure. Rims. Yeah, rims.

Doors. Yeah. It had decent stuff on that I could part it out. But I didn't have enough money to have it towed back home so i had to go to a junkyard and tell them i'll sell you my truck for scrap because if i left it sitting there i'd get those orange stickers and i'd fucking find the fuck out of me so i had so they the junkyard went out towed back over, picked it up with a forklift, and put it on the weight machine that they put cans in.

And I sold that truck for $65 fucking dollars. It's the cheapest I've ever sold a truck for in my life. So I have a head gasket for that truck now. Perfect. You could probably get $65 for that. At least look at it. Tom Knopp is going to store it. This ain't over.

Let's take a break. I got to pee. You pee. I go pee. You go pee. Yeah. Thank you, everyone, sending us stuff here. Tom wants to wait.

But I want to say thank you. Stuff gets fucked up. Stuff shows up here. We forget who sends it. We forget, yeah. So we do our best. But thank you very much. And once again, thanks, Bill Nash.

Oh, yeah. And if you send stuff to Bingo, Bingo is up in Wyoming. Her first solo trip where she got fucked like Tom Konopka did where she had to stay over in salt lake because of a misconnection and yeah yeah she's doing that well she can travel alone she panics i don't know where i'm gonna stay well uh the the airline fucked you over they'll give you a voucher oh hang on i'll call you back yeah during my sleepless nights i've been uh conversing with her on her uh sleepless nights on her trip so it's been real nice yeah so she's up uh having a fat camp they call it just like uh you're dieting

everyone's dieting except me well you're not're not fat. You don't need to. Well, I'm not eating because I'm too fucking panicked about this book. Point being that she's up there with Nowhere Girl's sister, Lindy. Lindy Mindy. Whiskey Girl. Sorry. I keep fucking. I always fuck it up. Anyway, so she's up in Wyoming in the middle of the fucking three feet of snow and nine degree temperatures, having a time of her life.

Doing great. And I'm tapping on fucking keys, trying to make words. Chad Shanks losing weight. Tom Konopka's fucking making blue apron and walking dogs and being zen and lifting weights. And Tracy is crocheting her hangovers away. Her pussy hats. And the next podcast will be number 200.

So we're going to try to make that a spectacular-atum. 200 already. The next one. This is already. The next one. This is 199. The next one will be. You guys. I don't want to call that crazy chick. Oh, yeah.

We're going to try to do some fun stuff for the next one. Calling that crazy chick, I don't want to tip the hand. Oh, no. Please don't. I want her to know. I want it to be, but at the same time, yeah. I don't want to mock her. You got that?

No. But it's inevitable. Yeah. It's a good one. Well, no, it's not. No, we can do this tactfully. Oh, we can. Are we talking about the crazy lady with the letter or James Inman?

I walked in. I was peeing. I didn't. All right. That's a podcast. Bird cloud. You're playing my favorite because I fucking spent four hours today just cleaning up and trying to.

When we do Super Bowl, it usually takes till fourth of july to get everything back to normal so i spent four hours where i did not stop moving literally just moving shit this goes there this goes there bird cloud was in my head the entire fucking day because there's so much vodka here and so much soda. So yeah, let's do Vodka Soda Berg. Let's do it. Well, I was sober and just walking around Williamsburg You know they ought to rename this place Vodka Soda Berg Cause I've been drinking with they homos And they say that they ain't homos

But they look like one to me I got twenty-five bucks to blow In vodka, soda, bird Yeah, that's five drinks, five by five And don't leave a tip Yeah, that's ice and that's vodka And that's soda, no lime Don't put no bullshit

It's all we do Just now starting to get it right And my kiss soda burns Well my brain is feeling sparkly Wow Oh That's so, so appropriate Alcohol

Everything is dead on me now Well I met a local man in Buckeye, Soda Bird He and myself described him as romantic Him gonna buy me another drink Cause him retarded Then go back to his fuckin' pad I'm on in Bushland And I went home with a mulatto Oh yeah, he had some mighty cold so

And that's why they wrote a song about me Oh no, I'm lucky to be alive I threw up and rose and gone back to vodka, soda, bird All the bartenders, they all hate my fucking goods I'm just trying to get my time to shine All the girls turning into bitches Spending $300 on a dress Just trying to get good

And this is where I get off Oh yeah, I'm probably never gonna stop And I can't, I said I'm never gonna stop No way, I said I'm never gonna stop, stop I was a sad sack of shit Walking around Williamsburg Just like all the residents that live in Williamsburg. I said, trying to take a little trip to Viper's phone and flirt.

Can I please be anywhere else in the world except for here? Try not to do callbacks to the first chunk. No. In case we go for another hour and dump the first chunk. Not bad, but if it gets better... I'll try it. What? Just saying.

That's not the way it works. That's really good. I's not the way it works. That's really good. I know it was really good. I'm just saying, if we keep going, because we're going to keep drinking. We're done.