The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #200: Fat Mike of NOFX, Chad and The Mayor of Bisbee

Episode Date: March 10, 2017

Episode Sponsors - BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron) - ProFLowers.com. Go to ProFlowers.com and enter STANHOPE in the upper right corner to receive $10 off your order of $29.99 or more. (@ProFlowers). It's the 200th Episode Extravaganza! Fat Mike of NOFX calls in, Chad Shank is back in the FunHouse and the Mayor of Bisbee, David Smith, drops by to discuss his first 100 days in office. Also, LA Times reporter, Nigel Duara, fills us in on the real life drama in Tombstone, AZ. Get your copy of " NOFX: The Hepatitis Bathtub and Other Stories" at Amazon.com - https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0306824779/ref=od_aui_detailpages00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at tickets to the May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee. Recorded Mar. 07, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), Fat Mike (@FatMike_of_NOFX), NIgel Duara (@NigelDuara) & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Podcast Bartender is Ms. Tracey. Find a way to see "Punching Henry", Henry Phillips sequel to Punching the Clown. Streaming through iTunes, Amazon and playing in select cities. Official Trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYiTCzl85b4 Birdcloud is touring in support of Reverend Horton Heat with The Goddamn Gallows, & Unknown Hinson - Dates at http://www.birdcloudamerica.com/on-tour/ Listen to Morgan Murphy's cd, "Irish Goodbye". Closing song, "Oxy Moronic", by NOFX (used with permission from Fat Mike). Available on iTunes. Check out the video on FunnyOrDie - http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/4b2dd42363/nofx-oxymoronic-official-music-video LINKS: - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/ - Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

All right, hey, we're rolling. Yeah, you told me to shut up. Happy 200th, Doug. Shoot, is there a song that we sing? I don't, is there a song we sing? Happy 200th to you. Happy jellyfruits to you. Happy he won't

remember anything. Happy 200 to you. Doug Stano. And crew. That's great. You got a picture of that? That's beautiful.

It's Chaley's 200th podcast. Oh, I forgot we're on radio. That is a Hostess Cupcake Double Layer Jelly Fruit 200th Podcast Cake, it looks like, that Chaley made. In your face! I don't know if I described it well enough. These are your famous cupcakes. Obviously.

Wow. It's like Walter Murrow. Damn. When do you have time to do all this? Nigel, you got to pull that mic and point it to you. Make a cake. Yeah. He's a writer.

It's like putting the pen to paper. Pen to paper. Can I get a scotch? Hang on. We got... Who's on now? It keeps changing up. Tom Kanopka's here.

Nigel Duara from the LA Times. Chad Shank that you might remember from previous podcasts as a co-host and uh sorry i gotta put tracy's mic on tracy your mic's on and tracy oh wait come here turn around tracy the podcast not on turn it on she's fucking unplugged it. You know, the only way to make Tracy's microphone more popular than announcing that Tracy's microphone would be to take a picture of Tracy's microphone and tweet it. Especially tonight. We do hook it to a corset.

If I made a picture of Tracy's microphone with her corset, my profile picture on Twitter, I would get instantly a lot more followers. We're getting all this static. I feel like it's not on. It's raining inside. Is this on? It just stopped raining.

Yeah, it's that one. Hold on. I'll figure it out. There were some things from the other night that I didn't remember until Chaley told me the next day. My problem is taking sleeping pills before I actually go to bed.

Yeah. And then I think I went to bed, but then Chaley tells me, oh no, evidently, Denise, I was screaming Marilyn Manson killing strangers into you and Tracy's face

oh choked her well you didn't freak out like Cave Maggie did but yeah when I have my fucking uh uh Jamie Kilstein moment she'll be the only person

to come out well you just asked me to fuck you in your ass. And you didn't even ask me. You had your homeless boyfriend ask me to fuck you in the ass. So I thought probably choking is a good opening move. But I didn't fuck her in the ass. That's the most diplomatic assault I've ever heard described. Kind of sweet.

Well crafted. My God. Oh, that came out. It fucking, I just, I'm not going to go into it, but the Jamie Kilstein story came out on some fucking tabloid thing where they actually had, just like I said, they had three girls that he said inappropriate things I felt uncomfortable

around again as opposed to here where everyone's drunk and starts peeing on each other you get choked while I scream Marilyn Manson it's very romantic because I haven't painted myself

into that corner that Jamie Kilstein painted himself into of being a feminist well that's not really feminist behavior if you're going to be flirtatious three girls came out and said he was flirtatious and um I didn't think it was very feminist like it's just like fucking nothing it's like uh intervention yeah you get intervened upon because you hang around with non-drinkers no one intervenes on us so yeah anybody need a drink one of the stories that i didn't know about from last week uh was apparently i was talking to stanhope in conversation for about five minutes, and then I realized that his pants were around his ankles.

Pants and underwear. Yeah, at which point I reached down and pulled them back up because I wasn't comfortable having a conversation with him. And your son and wife were here, and they had to point out that my pants were down. That's who told me about this yesterday. I didn't remember this at all. I didn't remember until you told me today. That's funny.

Your son took pictures says Denise. Again, why have nothing to fucking lose? I'm not saying. I have a question. Why are you uncomfortable having a conversation with a man with his pants and underpants around his ankles? Well, because this is an evolution for me.

I was uncomfortable with a lot of things before I started hanging out here. And I'm a lot more comfortable with a lot of things now. But I'm still not comfortable having a personal conversation where we're just talking and everybody else is watching us. Probably because other people are taking pictures. Your son. Listen, I haven't seen. You bought him the phone. I haven't seen it.

That's not true. I have not seen any pictures, although I don't remember any of this happening. But I think even sober I would do that. any of this happening, but I think even sober I would do that. If we're trying to have a conversation, and your pants and underwear, actually sober, I would probably ask you to pull them up.

I think the drunk part was just me grabbing them and pulling them up. I'm not going to talk to you when your pants down. That's really the only part I'm ashamed of at this point. It's like his ears are off because his pants are down. He can't hear you. Tracy, do you remember any of this?

I remember bits and pieces for sure. Bits and pieces. Thank you very much. Is that a description? I remember the killing strangers while you were choking Denise. I remember that. Because you were next. He lunged at you because this is my interpretation. You lunged so violently at Denise that

we were all... It's killing strangers. Well, okay. Well, that kind of plays into what you were doing. And then on the next refrain, you went to Tracy, but there was a chair, like the big, like the lay down chair. And you couldn't get to her all the way, but you already committed. So you go, I'm still going to do it. But you're just like pawing at her cheeks. Killing strangers. It's it strangers because it's just

and it's like so we don't kill the ones that we love you do that really well on stage that's your bring on song are we going to do that again on the next tour well you won't be on the next tour.

But we'll do a playlist. I have a lot of people saying, actually, Brett Erickson and Morgan Murphy will be on the next tour. Ah, good. It's all three of them. So I might go. I might do. I don't fucking know what the fuck I'm doing anymore. So I might.

Yeah, I might do what we did the last tour. I enjoyed that. And the rules are up to me. Yeah, of course. Turns out that Doug Stanhope's comedy show, the rules are up to him. Yeah, I don't know why I eschew that.

I shouldn't be... No, I can go up and open and middle and then headline and have the other headliners do spots in between. Why not? Yeah, it's perfect. In the two tours that we did, we did Junior.

Who was Junior? Andy. Andy and Junior. Andy and Junior we did in July. And then Mamou. And then Mamou and Brerickson. And then we had guests. We did in July.

And then Mamu. And then Mamu and Bray Erickson. And then we had guests. And in the entire time, in the 2,000 tickets or something that we sold, one gal in Missoula complained because you didn't do enough time. And when I added it up. I do the exact fucking amount of time. I added up the fucking minutes every fucking night. I know how many minutes everyone does

forever. You did 50 minutes in three segments of very brand new raw material with two comics that you brought on stage and she's bitching to the point that we have to fuck. I'm like chest

bumping her. I'm not touching you. I'm not touching you. Get the fuck out of here. She's like in your face. Because she wanted her minutes in a row. She wanted a refund. I found a hair in my food. I want a refund.

Just a scan. I don't care if it's my hair. I want a refund. Roseanne loved the that's the only reason I think she showed up at Salt Lake after we did Colorado Springs was because she loved that idea of just

hit and run. Go up and fucking do it. Even though she did in Colorado, she did regular material. In Salt Lake, she went off the rails. When you go to your local funny bone, you have two local acts that are new. So they stink like I stunk to an extent. And then you judge one against the other.

Well, he didn't stink as bad as the other guy. And then the guy that you came to see because you heard him on Bob and Tom. Does the same thing he did eight years ago. So I'm bringing fucking actual great headliners out. And so, yeah, if I fuck around, I don't care about this business anymore. So, yeah, I want to work out new shit. And if that's the way it works better, trust me. I've done this before. If it's better that I go up three different times

and do 20-minute sets and have 20 minutes in between each set, then fucking trust me. It's fucking great. Fuck you. And it's your fucking, it's your rules. It is a better way to see someone who's coming up with new material.

I know what I'm doing you don't so just shut up and enjoy the fucking show from a fan type perspective it's just a fucking place to go and party and fucking drink with other people who are drinking anyway so yeah just shut up and fucking listen

who loves Doug Stanhope and you'll love who I love yeah everyone says the Hedberg joke all these jokes are funny who love Doug Stanhope. Exactly. And you'll love who I love. Yeah. Everyone, it's a Hedberg joke. All these jokes are funny. What is the joke?

All these jokes are funny as approved by me or something like that. Like, I thought they were funny. Do you want to say Morgan Murphy? She's been here two times. Oh, I was looking for that.

Two different times. I just brought it back today Shady Loans me the other day is that a great that's a fucking great Morgan Murphy Morgan Murphy Irish Goodbye

that is such a good CD I can't wait because I want to get to Nigel's story about Tombstone but he'll wait he'll wait where's he going

Irish Goodbye it's so fucking good. I saw it on Netflix. And then, thank God I forget everything so I can enjoy them again. I listened to the CD in my car and I was just fucking dying. We were driving back from somewhere, Tracy and I, and we put it in. I can't wait to see this. Oh, we're coming back from Mexico.

And we're coming back, and I'm like, fuck, there's two more tracks. Hey, Tracy, you want to go check out that house in OB? Let's do another lap. We go drive around for a while, and we're coming back by the Dairy Queen, which is like two seconds from the house. I'm like, I got to be honest with you.

I don't like that house, but I had to see the fucking, because it's a, I love listening to shit honest with you. I don't like that house, but I had to see her in the fucking... Because it's a... I love listening to shit in the car. When you actually fucking laugh all by yourself in your car, hard. Yeah. She's not that funny in person.

Which, like, that's something like... Doug likes her, but I'm not understanding why Like maybe Maybe it's just Because of Jesselneck But like They came out here

And like But then you like Listen to Cedum's like Motherfucker She's What the fuck Is she doing here She doesn't need to

Come to the fucking Fun house She's fucking She rocks it man And Iris Goodbye It's a great CD I can't wait So her Are we plugging Burt Kreischer yet Yeah rocks it, man. Irish Goodbye. It's a great CD.

So Her. Are we plugging Burt Kreischer yet? Yeah, May 20th. May 20th. Burt Kreischer. Chad Shank. It'll be an all-star cast. There'll be a live podcast in Bisbee. At the Bisbee Royale.

Burt Kreischer and I and Chad Shank and whoever else we're going to make it a fucking chaos party. Tickets will be on sale soon brown paper tickets but the best way is to get on Doug Stanhope's

mailing list because they will get the information first. They will get the link to the tickets first. They will get the link to the tickets first. There's only 150 seats available. Doug Stanhope, Burke Reicher, Chad Shank on stage with Tracy Bartending. Oh, Tracy's bartending. Mike's bartending.

May 20th at the Bisbee Royale. Yeah, look for the link Henry Phillips punching Henry is out just google search it it's like on a million things now I bought it on iTunes watched it with my family

they all fucking laughed their ass off it was fantastic we watched it here hey Doug you're in that oh yeah you are good job in that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you are. Good job in that, by the way, my friend. I think that's what you normally say when your friends do something amazing. That's the clip that the marketing company promoted was Doug.

Yeah. Nigel, you can talk. I don't know if I plugged it last time, but I was a fan before they name dropped me, Crashing on HBO with Pete Holmes. Watch Crashing. It's a Judd Apatow. It's Pete and Judd are the, my friends, Pete and Judd.

It's a collaboration. Shaley played episode one here at the end of A Drunk Night and I was hooked. I've been watching it on HBO. So good. C on HBO, crashing. It's funny as hell. Fucking fantastic.

What did you say? You said, oh, wait, they jumped the shark. You mentioned Stan Hope in the second episode. Third, third. Third episode. Austin, I'm going to be hosting at South by Southwest. A lot of people are asking me if, oh, can you get me in because I can't afford a pass.

Evidently, you have to have a pass for the whole festival. A pass gets you to the entire whole thing. I guess you used to be able to buy day passes. I don't know how it works. Let me guess. The answer is no. Doug won't even let me go. That's a good guess.

It's no only because Other people spent 220 bucks on a pass It's hard to figure out It's on the 14th I'm just hosting the fucking thing Who else is on there? Morgan Murphy Glenn Wool

And Brendan Wool That's worth the ticket. There it is. And Bird Cloud. I don't have it written down, but they're on tour with Bird Cloud. It's with Reverend Horton Heat. Okay. And just some other people.

Just Google search it. Chad, Chad, you read it. Bird Cloud on tour. March 19th, Sunday. Reverend Horton Heat. Goddamn gallows. Unknown Hinson. Am I supposed to read all this? Hold on. No, Sunday, Reverend Horton Heat, Goddamn Gallows, Unknown Hinson. Am I supposed to read all this?

Hold on. No, no, no. It looks like a gobbledygook. Chad's going to read the dates after this. BirdCloud is in support of Reverend Horton Heat, Goddamn Gallows, and Unknown Hinson. Unknown Hinson is the guy that does the Squidbillies. So read the dates and the venue, or the town. Speed read them.

Sunday, March 19th, Mount Carmel. Tuesday, March 21st, Knoxville. Wednesday, March 22nd, Charlotte. Thursday, March 23rd, Columbia. Friday, March 24th, Raleigh. Saturday, March 25th, Wilmington. Sunday, March 26th Charleston Links are on the website

Alright that's uh Let's get to fucking Nigel Duaro Who showed up with his Wife who I evidently Met before but I didn't Remember It's very forgettable

Nope just kidding honey She is She was You got good comment cards On your wife the next day. Like, that fucking chick was so cool. I don't remember meeting her before, but evidently I did. Briefly, briefly.

It was probably a fucking, yeah, football when there's 80 people in. And also the mind eraser. So you're doing, you were here the other night when I had my pants down and a lot of things happened. I didn't remember until I saw a periscope. Oh, yeah, Nigel was here. That's right. No, exactly. Thanks, Chad.

Well, no, a bunch of people. We were just watching the fight. Well, actually, you said that was one of the funnest nights you've had in a long time because you took a break. Hang on. Chad Shank even agreed that we both woke up the next day with no shame going, I don't know how it ended, but I know we had fun. Usually we wake up with, oh, I did something embarrassing. No. You took a break from the book, and it ended up being that night.

Yeah. I did laundry today, and I found the Salmon X that you gave me that night. I didn't even take them. I felt so good. I felt no need to take over-the-counter medication to make myself sleep to forget the horribleness that I felt. Sleeping beauty with the birds fluttering above your head. Derek has something to say.

Well, I didn't want to interject, but Bree said the same thing the next morning. As I was saying it. And I think it was the people that were here. Everybody that was here knew that no matter what we did, nobody's going to give a shit or remember what they said in the morning. And there's no need to have that regret because there's nobody you don't know enough to feel weird about. Bree is like us. She's a remorseful drunk. Everybody knew each other well enough to not give a shit about that at all.

It was that much fun. Yeah, it was a good night. Nigel, who works for the LA Times and he's been a friend for a long time, and now you're stationed in Phoenix. I don't know how they do that. It's like the military. It pretty much is. And again, speaking of the wife,

whose bra you took off with one hand eventually on that night. The Fonz. It worked. He's got skills. I went home too early. Missed it, man. Yeah.

So, I thought you were leaving. You come down to Bisbeebee there's border stories all the time especially now with trump obviously there's border stories but you it's what story are you working on that they let you stay here well so the plan or what story did you make up so you could hang out in the fun what fake news did we come up with? Basically, at this point, I can't not be in Bisbee because it is a border town that is civilized. And, you know, it's a place to stay,

but everything around here is where the news is. It's in Douglas and in Naco and all these kind of places. Agua Prieta. Agua Prieta is right across the way, or Naco, Mexico. So what I'm finding is when I come down here, really the stories just fall out of the sky. As you talk to people, you find out things.

That's how I wrote a story about Howard Buffett and all this other stuff. Now I'm down here working on a couple things on the border, but I found this interesting thing happening in Tombstone. Tombstone, of course, is just like... Tombstone, the town too...

Too tough to die. Too tough to die. Too tough to die. Chad Shank should say that. But... Tombstone, the town too tough to die. Oh, sorry. I was paying attention to something else. Too tough to die.

Tombstone, the town too tough to die. Awesome. So basically, it's had a mayor. And the mayor goes back to the 1870s. This is the town from the O.K. Corral. It's where all the Western stuff happened. And the mayor has been challenged by this guy. Now, again, this mayor goes back to the 1800s.

I mean, his family does, goes back there. He used to be confused with Doc Holliday. So he's now fourth generation. And he owns the Tombstone News. And in the Tombstone News, he sits there and writes these venomous columns ripping his opponent. We're not going to say his name. Well, the guy owns a saloon down there. So the opponent starts a competing online newspaper.

So there's the Tombstone News gets printed. And he's ripping the guy. And then there's the guy who owns the old Tombstone Gazette. And these are just two. You can name names. It's public knowledge. I actually don't remember the names right now. So Escapul is one. And then there's the other one. old tombstone gazette and this and these are just you can name names it's public i actually don't remember the names right now so escapado is one and then there's the other one full

disclosure i don't remember correct oh boy um the supplement in the water there is something so so basically there there's a there's a sort of a standoff of course because it's tombstone and it's these uh two old angry men who are just pissed off and writing mean things about each other. And now there's a recall petition for the mayor. So I went up there today, which is only half an hour from Bisbee, and I just tried to find people who would talk about this recall petition. And nobody really wants to.

So it's kind of this old west standoff there there is uh even in bisbee there is uh an adversity to the press they like the hippies here to fuck you and up there in tombstone it'd be the opposite of hippies but fuck you get out get your la out of my fucking life. Here it's more, oh, get your propaganda. Corporatist, multinational company thing. But maybe because you've introduced me to some folks down here, I've had way more luck down here talking to people and getting to interview them.

To me, the border kind of ends, and you guys might think differently, at Tombstone, like what I think of as the border. And that's where like more traditional red, white Arizona starts and goes all the way up through Phoenix and everything. Everywhere. I think of as the border. And that's where like more traditional red, white Arizona starts and goes all the way up through Phoenix and everything. Everywhere.

And the rest of the state. Although I say Tucson is pretty cool. Actually, Old Bisbee. It ends in Warren and San Jose. Starts to become muddled in that area. Yeah, mulatto. What's that word you want? A little purple.

And you can see the Mexican border from here. So I'm covering that story, but look, the border is going to be crazy this year. Obviously, there's a new ban in place concerning Muslim countries, and it's a push-down, pop-up thing. So anytime those folks are told they can't come in through somewhere, they're going to do what other people have done and try and come up to Mexico. So we'll be covering that. And the next, what do we got, nine months, it's going to do what other people have done and try and come up to mexico so we'll be covering that and the next what do we got nine months it's gonna be pretty crazy wow so the tombstone thing the mayors are the one owns a newspaper like are people like really are they as riled up as bisbee was about civil unions and plastic bags, are people coming to blows?

It seems like it's way more personal. The mayor was in here before, the Bisbee mayor was in here before relating a story about plastic bags, and that is true here, that people will follow you out of the grocery store yelling. But in Tombstone, it seems like it's just way more personal. It's these two guys who really represent, I guess, old Tombstone. Do you know the population of Tombstone? 1,200, I think. I mean, and it's probably seasonal.

Smaller than here, for sure. Yeah, way smaller. I mean, for folks that might not know, it's a town that's sort of like half in reenactment mode all the time. If you go to a store and ask people, they'll start telling you a story about this 1800s it's a renaissance fair if renaissance fair wasn't popular so it's mostly people that want to dress up drowning and the person stepping on your head wants to hear a story and you have one good story to tell, but you've told it over and over and over again. Yes. The OK Corral.

But last year, OK Corral, something interesting happened, and you guys probably remember this, is somebody accidentally put a live round and someone got shot. That accidentally is hypothetical. I want to check that out because that is crazy to me. How does that happen?

How do you stay so stoned and write so well i have never even seen drugs in my life all right i i was i was uh making up the fact that you get high all the time. You were looking at Chad the whole time. It seemed like a fishing expedition the whole time. Oh, by the way, I do remember saying I would love for you to proofread my rough draft of the book. And I called Brian and he goes,

I can't find any... I don't have your email address. I only have your Twitter. I will get it to you. All right. And were I to ever touch cannabis, what I would say is that there's a guy named Oliver Sachs who worked for the New Yorker. He can call us later.

But Oliver Sachs worked for the New Yorker, and he was manic depressive. When he was manic, he'd- Right, right, right, right, right. Listen, if Nigel Duaro was actually smoking pot, he wouldn't be talking like he's on tweak right now. It's crack, dude. It's crack. So this gentleman, I will slow down, he would be manic like I am, and he would write,

and then he would fall into a depressive phase, and he would edit himself ruthlessly. And I would find, theoretically, if I were to smoke pot, that maybe what would help would be to drink coffee in the morning right like hell and maybe it would make sense at some point to smoke pot and edit yourself and be just awful and brutal and that's maybe a way that somebody could theoretically when i used to write for my website i would i would write drunk creatively then edit sober in the morning.

That's a heavyweight quote. But since... It is. It's write drunk, edit sober. It's on my wall. Oh, nice. Well, fortunately, I don't use as many

fucking boring descriptives as that boring content. Nice typewriter, though. Get right to the fucking point. Get to the fucking money shots. I fast forward through life. Hang on. Writing this book because yeah i lost months because of bingo i get to a place where i had to work with my addiction

where i can't write unless i drink because i get the booze shakes so badly in the morning. I literally can't type because my fucking hands are shaking. So then I have a few drinks, and then I would get into, have we already gone over this on another podcast? Yeah, and then I would take an Adderall, and then I would continue to drink and then get into a fluid motion. Yeah, it's a physical problem. I've been on a fucking bender from the fucking bingo times to now, and now I'm on a deadline.

So, yeah, at some point, I'll get back into 30 days in the hole, and I'll have the use of my fingers back. Oh, we just talked about the next one. Drinking the bar dry. You came up with it last night. Do you remember that? You come back off the tour. Since Sal Volcano from the Impractical Jokers plug.

Yeah, had all his fans send us all this vodka. We thought, we used to do, I told Tom about this. Bingo and I, we just buy too much shit for food. And we go, let's just only buy perishables and just eat the house dry. Let's eat it down. We called it. Eat it down.

Drink it down. That's what it came up with last night. Drink it down. We got peanut butter and jelly. We'll buy bread. We'll eat that. We'll get cans of Hormel jelly. We'll buy bread. We'll eat that. We'll get cans of Hormel chili. We'll eat whatever. Let's

empty the stores because we do stock up for football and then when football is over, you get all this shit you never used. So it's just going to sit there and rot. Let's just fucking, I hate waste. Let's just eat it down. Right. Tom's good at hate waste. Let's just eat it down.

Tom's good at this. Yes, Tom is good at this. I am eating it down. He's blue apring it down. There you go. So how long are you here? That wasn't a full apring. Are you milking this tombstone story? I have not been home since Thursday.

I need to get back. But there's a couple possibilities. Maybe I'll be down here for an entire stretch of time straight, like a month. But for sure, it's going to be just repeated things. What's the angle of the story? Oh, my goodness. Well, so which one we're talking about? Because you think about it like we're looking at this opportunity, right? This thing happening, this political event happening on people, to people, and trying to gauge what the long-term impact is going to be.

I mean, look, the next president could go and repeal all this stuff, but he's not going to be able to pull the brakes as fast as we might want to see. So if indeed there is the Border Ranchers feeling one way, we've got to write that one story about the Border Ranchers. Then you've got people 30 miles up in what would be Wilcox. That's like 30 miles from the border in Arizona. And they feel a different way. So we're writing all of these stories, these perspectives of people that I hope you don't see the rest. Is it?

Yeah. You're on mic. That's why I was trying to cough. Is there a legal thing where if you own the newspaper, you can't keep writing about yourself? Is that an angle? You mean like? Like if you're running for president and you own the New York Times.

Oh, right. There's an obvious conflict of interest there. Normally you would have to recuse yourself. But is it legal? Oh, yeah. It's definitely legal. I mean, it would have been legal for Hearst if he wanted to run himself as a candidate back in the 30s or whatever. So definitely, but it violates a lot of ethics of politics and journalism.

Politics violates ethics of politics. That's inherent in the business. Hold on a second. He just dropped a William Randolph Hearst reference. That's because he watched Yellow Journalism. Watch that old movie, that one by Orson Welles.

William could have ran Boardwalk Empire or Deadwood. I can't remember. Remember Citizen Kane? Deadwood. Well, however you make up stories to get down here, we always love your company.

Good Lord. And your wife. Hey, she loves it here. I'm trying to get us to move. I don't know if it's going to happen. Make it happen. Bisbee Hub. Well, when they start building the wall, they're going to need you down here.

You're going to need a house down here. And by the way, congratulations on 200. My goodness. Yes. Yeah, well, thanks for a plug that's not necessary. Sorry, Chili made me say it. He told me to say it. And you did it so well.

I really did. I sold it. It was a fun fucking night. It was a great night. It was a really good night. But it ain't over because we have Fat Mike from NoFX calling in.

What the shit? I ain't throwing shit. Hey. Cool. The only way we can get rid of those cupcakes is if I throw them because no one's eating them. Everyone's on a diet. Yeah, I thought I hit you. I didn't know what that was.

Didn't you open it? I aim for your mouth. All right. Hey, let's take a break. Let's take a Shaley's drunk break. Yeah, let's talk about some Blue Apron. All right. We've had a lot of fun and games with the Doug Stano podcast, but it's time to get serious

in the new Trump apocalypse. How are you going to eat dinner? Are you going to go out to the grocery store where the shelves are cleared like there's a hurricane in Florida? No, there's no food there. Zombies are walking the streets. People are trying to eat your babies. How are you going to have dinner? There's only one way. Stan Hope, you're not going to have Jim Baker buckets of food. You're going to need spicy shrimp coconut curry with cabbage and rice. You're going to need veggie chili and baked sweet potatoes but how are you gonna get it blueapron.com slash stanhope you can get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope are you trying to tell me that blue apron is gonna walk through the zombie apocalypse of people dying of radiation poisoning

from the North Koreans in Kim Jong-il and the lineage goes back all the way to Mao Zedong and all the dictators. Are you saying they're going to walk through that kind of problem to get to my front door? For less than $10 a meal, Blue Apron will deliver all the ingredients to create home-cooked meals with simple, easy-to-follow directions, Stanhope. $10 is as good as a

Bitcoin. When it comes to the apocalypse, I need to worry about how I'm going to get food for my family behind my barbed wire fence at my house. Will BlueApron.com come to my door? Stan Hope, these guys will not only come to your door, they will bring you all the ingredients you need to make things like spicy shrimp, coconut curry with cabbage and rice, veggie chili and baked sweet potatoes for God's sake. You're not going to get this in the apocalypse from any other provider. Listen, people, this is some serious shit.

Blue Apron is the only person that can save you from the coming Trump apocalypse. Today, my family, who are afraid to walk outside the front gate, met Tom Konopka at the front door. What did you have for them? Chicken yakiniku. Chicken yakiniku! Um, it was sesame marinated. Yakiniku means good as fuck, Stanhope. That's what it means. And carrots, garlic rice. And that's about it. Garlic rice is all that is going to keep sustenance in your children after the coming Trump apocalypse. That's right.

Blueapron.com. They come armed, they come heavy, and they come on time. When I look at my family and the cherubic faces of my children, and I know that I'm the only way that they will get fed, I want to make sure that my salmon is almond-encrusted. Will Blue Apron do this for me and my children? Listen, Stanhope, I don't have all the answers about the apocalypse, but what I do know for sure is that Blue Apron is a better way to cook. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Blue Apron.

Don't die hungry. Hey there, this is Brett Erickson. I just found out that all of those times that I've been drunk and babbling in the funhouse have been recorded and going out to the world is something called a podcast. This has happened like 200 times. Wow, 200 podcasts.

Only 617 more, and you could catch up to the guy you ruined the man show with. Congratulations, Doug Stanhope. Ladies and gentlemen, the mayor of Bisbee has graced us with his presence, David Smith. Welcome, Mayor.

Our new mayor. Thanks. Congratulations on your victory. Thank you. Welcome, Mayor. Our new mayor. Thanks. Congratulations on your victory. Thank you. Hard fought, but we're here. Appreciate it. It was, yeah, I did get the vote in.

As you know, election day, we had some problems going on with bingo. Oh, yes. Yes, absolutely. Paying complete attention, but I did call. Did David Smith win? Yes. Yes, he did.

I think two of the three people. The only reason I voted, I voted for president just because I had to vote for council and mayor. That's what matters to me. And, yeah, two out of three of my people won. Only Jason Lindstrom was the

big stinking loser. But Gabe... Alright, let's not get into that. Gabe just did the podcast. He was... How working with Gabe is, that's a personal conversation. Our listeners don't give a shit, but I want to hear

working with Gabe Lindstrom on City Council. Your first hundred days. We're around that much. We're about there. When you won the election, you had to wake up and say,

hey, I'm the mayor of Bisbee, and B, oh shit, Trump is the president. There's ups and downs. What was more? Well, immediately my thought was start telling the people the old adage that the only politics that they can actually influence is the local politics. And so forget about that other stuff. Let's do what we need to do on our level and let the world go by.

Yeah. So did you feel like you were overshadowed? Like everyone is just miserable about Trump? Well, you know, everybody, it was kind of an interesting thing. It was, hey, we got good news and bad news. And we were actually, had a party going at the Royale. And there were a number of people there. And so there was one TV screen of national and one of local.

And so there was lots of boos and lots of yays. And hell, I didn't know which way they were going really yeah it really had to suck on some level where you're like but but what about me we were i don't know if you know but chad and chaley and i along with joe rogan and bill burr and we did a live podcast from the comedy store in la where the people were crying at the end no one thought that was going to happen so we're doing the live podcast of the election four hour event this was four plus hours that this was a seated audience wow yeah and i had the bingo issues going on so i didn't give a shit who's the president or the mayor i'm just trying to keep afloat but they were and and that's you know it's a comedy club the world famous comedy store yeah

they do some comedy there yeah but i'm saying here bisbee yeah the the bastion of of blue in an all red state i mean you, Gretchen had to be crying. Was she at your? Literally. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it wasn't, that part wasn't a pretty sight.

But so, you know, we had another drink and, you know, life goes on. So your first hundred days as mayor, what do you think? Well, wow. Just being in Safeway, are you already getting shit every time you go down an aisle about some? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, and I'll tell you what, I better have those bags with me. I'll tell you. We had one of our council people got in trouble big time for being in Sierra Vista and popping into Fry's at the last minute to go in and get something and seen walking out with a plastic bag. Oh, yeah, it was ugly. The small-town politics here just are so intriguing to me. I really wait for some hot button topic like that to come up just to go crash city hall and grocery gate exactly yeah it's uh it's silly but that

tom kanopka here i since he's been here i go you you could be the mayor because he's so personable, but he knows better. I know there's more to it than that. Correct, mayor? Just a little bit more. I got that part. Well, Safeway in town is where you can't avoid people. It's our only grocery store. So that's where everyone's on equal footing.

As much as you try. It's hard to avoid people. Officer Bob Friendly there, and he's in the same aisle as some guy he just arrested for possession of some kind of shit. Howdy, Otis. And then the judges, you're all in Sherry's line in lane four. Is that over 15?

I don't, is that over 15? But yeah, you can't avoid, like, are you already? Yeah, my, Linda, my wife, is always saying, you ran up there for, you know, for a couple steaks and it took three hours. What's going on? You know? She's starting to, if business.

Your life is a town hall meeting. Yeah, yeah. Well, aisle four, you know, town hall, aisle meeting. Yeah, yeah. Well, aisle four. Yeah, town hall, aisle four. Yeah, but actually. That's actually longer than a meeting. Yeah. Standing in aisle four with Sherry. She's a legend.

But that's also part of the charm, if you will, of Bisbee is the people. And a lot of these, their problems are real to them, you know, as it would be in Tucson or any place else, New York or anything else. You know, those problems are real to them, and you need to— But in Tucson or New York, you don't see the same person over and over again like you do in a town of 5,000 people. I sometimes wish I had someone to go to Safeway for me because I'm too hungover to talk. That guy, what's his name?

Keith David Allen? Keith Allen Dennis. Keith Allen Dennis. There's way too many first names. Yeah, yeah. I thought they were triplets. I remember running into him at Safeway and I couldn't remember for the life of me who he was.

Well, you've got to have that now, where you've run into... Oh, yeah. I was going to introduce you to people here. You're not going to remember now. Oh, hey. Hey, yeah. Hey. He does that every time I see him at the Knife Guy on Saturday at the...

Yeah, sure. Which is fine. Which is fine. I don't expect you to remember everyone on Saturday at the Dormitory Market. Which is fine. Which is fine. I don't expect you to remember everyone. Do you still do Farmer's Market? Oh, yeah. Listen, that's important. That's the way you want to talk to them.

People actually get information. They come up and ask questions. You can actually answer them one-on-one. It's a good atmosphere. No one else is really listening or cares. Yeah. Everyone's happy at the Farmer's Market. Yeah. That's a great one. Yeah. When I really listening or cares. Yeah, everyone's happy at the farmer's market. Yeah, that's a great one.

Yeah, when I was on the council, we started doing that. And, yeah, we used to set up little booths and, you know, have a friend of mine, Randy Burke, who was on the council before, had a sign made up that, you know, policy made here, you know. Yeah, it was nice. It had a good touch. All right. You were talking about David Allen. It had a good touch. All right. You were talking about David Allen, Keith, David Keith, David Carradine.

Keith. What? Keith David Allen. Yeah. I forget where I was going. You've been running into him and you didn't know who it was. Yeah, until we went down to city council about some local bullshit that none of the listeners care about.

We went down there and I'm like, oh, that's how I know that guy. Yeah. He actually performed stand-up comedy here once. I remember just trying to avoid him in Safeway. This is early, and I was hungover, and I don't want to chat, especially when I don't know how I know you. Yeah. You knew you knew something, but you didn't know how.

Yeah. And you didn't want it to be way more uncomfortable yeah so i it's similar to what you have to do in politics is you go hey how you doing good to see you and i then act like you why am i in the diaper aisle i don't have kids yeah except for he has to pretend he cares where you could just make up a bunch of, hey, Stephen David Wallace, how you doing? You could just make up a bunch of first names. You don't care, but he has to care. Yeah, you have to, your bullshit has to be strong. Yeah, the problem is, you know, you also see people you really don't want to engage in conversation.

So that's what you do. I won't mention her name, but she's actually uh do i even have a copy i in my thank yous on my last uh special i uh i put and at the end i put you know all the people involved and then everyone in bisbee except for and you know her name she writes letters to the i do she was actually uh kept my name out there during the election. As they say, keep your name out there. Well, I called her my press secretary. She did a hell of a good job for me, really.

Yeah, she has to have something to fight about. I don't know if anyone listening lives in a town this small. There's always someone that's very upset about something and they're not happy unless there's something that they can write a letter to the editor to i call her my ex i was thinking most of the people that listen to this podcast are probably the people being complained about as city council yeah we did get shouted down in a letter to the editor as being like thugs. Right. Bow evils or something?

In banana suits. No, no, recently. Oh, recently? Yeah, about this yellow trailer thing that we showed up as a mob, and it was mob rules. Well, maybe it was. It was gang-like. We all were in yellow.

Well, you had a guy dressed like a banana. I mean, that's pretty mob-like. We all were in yellow. Well, you had a guy dressed like a banana. I mean, that's pretty mob-like. Speaking of, the two of the candidates you defeated early on, Kenny and Derek are here, and so I wanted to bring up some of their positions

that they were fighting for. Not really fighting for, I wouldn't say. More, I think we just wrote them their positions and then they showed up and drank free beer and ate pizza and then parroted what we told them to say. Or maybe they're passionate. But there's three things, and they're kind of almost serious.

One is, you can't have a bar in Warren. That's like some old... Yeah, it is. Is that like a law? Yeah, yeah. It's an ordinance that way back when, they did an ordinance that you couldn't have a bar in Warren because of all the churches. And basically, you know, old Bisbee was the bars and the brothels. Back in the mining days, the owners wanted to be as far away from the workers as possible.

Well, I think they wanted their wives and children to be away from the workers. All right. So no bars in Warren. As you notice as you're driving in, there's one just away from the workers. All right. All right. So no bars in Warren. So as you notice as you're driving in, there's one just right at the line. Warren is a district of Bisbee. Bisbee is all one town, but there's at least 15 different names for Lowell. It's about 100 yards long, but they still call it Lowell because back in the mining camp days

they were all different segregated camps that's right so Warren is where were the rich fucks you wouldn't say that but I would used to live I would too coming from Bakerville so how could we get

can we unordain that ordinance? What would the process be? Can we unfix it? Yeah Can we work this out here? Derek wants to put a Chili's in on Arizona Street Alright, alright And Kenny wants a Hooters

Okay That was one of their beefs during the election But we'll settle for an Applebee's Yeah, okay You know what? There'd be a lot of people happy with that, too. There might be. Yeah, we actually want to develop Warren

back into a business district, and that would actually be a step. How does that process work? I'm not against that. How does that process work, to overturn a law? Is it just... Actually, we just simply do that. We provide all the reasons why an ordinance should be changed.

How many signatures do I need? Doug brought it up to me and I said, it just requires a vote by the city council. And he looked as shocked, I think, as I've seen him look. That's all it is? Basically, yeah. It's on. He was seriously shocked.

Propose it? There's our reason to go to a city council meeting, Doug. Yeah, exactly. Propose it. There's our reason to go to a city council meeting, Doug. Yeah, we need more knowledge. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, they've had a class or two, but nobody wants to take a class on city politics. Mornings Bar and Grill, someone just suggested. There you go.

Well, I'm sure Arlene would like that. Steve, sure. Be good to see them over cocktails. Absolutely. That's Diamond Cabaret. All right, so we've got... So if bar's legal and worn... Yeah, I think we can fix that, actually, if that's something that is really wanted.

Obviously, now, you know, people are going to get up. You've been there. People are going to get up, and there'll be pros and there'll be cons and so forth. The city council could fix that if that's something that's wanted. Could we rezone where the yellow trailer is into

the yellow trailer bar? Into the bar district. This is way too inside for the listeners, but I'm having fun. Fuck you. Kenny proposed bringing a Canadian football team. Canadian football team. Yeah. Well, we certainly have a built-in fan base.

We got a lot of Canadians coming down here. We do. I just think they're drinking too much. They don't know one border from the other, but I could be wrong. But that's okay. As long as they have their football, regardless of it being

peewee or pro, we'll figure it out. That's right. And as long as they bring money, but make sure it's not Canadian. We got an exchange rate. It's not good. Probably not.

It's not good. The big one that I really think is a brilliant idea, and because we're us, no one takes us seriously, is a zipline tour over the Lavender Pit, which is, do you know the dimensions? It's like 800 feet deep. Oh, yeah.

You can see it from space. Yeah, it's a big hole. Yeah, to put the highest zipline tour in America over the Lavender Pit and the mining Freeport McMorrin, however you pronounce it. McMorrin. McMorrin. Right. Yeah.

I used to say McMorrin. They don't want any part of us anymore. Well, unfortunately, they own the land all around it. But here's something we can do. Think about it now. And see, I was ready to take on one of you guys after the primary. I bet you were. You took notes.

I had this ready. We're going to run the city property. So you go up to the mine tour. Hang on. Let me back up. Did you really think we were going to run these guys for real? You know what? I have to live here.

Oh, thanks. There could be a chance they'd win, right? As a team, we definitely could have won. That's been a while. Yeah. So we have Freeport, Mack, the mine tour, and we've got a city building up there, right, where the mine tour operates out of. Run the zip line over the pit all the way down to City Hall to another city building. That works perfect.

Now you've got it. Oh, he had that hip pocketed for you, bitch. He did. You are winning shit. Not only that, think about it. There's a couple church steeples in the way. There's some electrical lines and so forth. We could make like a...

Obstacle. Obstacle course. It would be an obstacle course. It's a zip line at your own leisure or risk. Yeah. Bisbee's Ninja Warrior. Exactly. Actually, what they do is on the zip lines,

they actually create platforms to bridge areas where they have to make a compound circle or something. So we would go near the church, and then they could take a little walk around the steeple where we could actually have a side business of get married on the zip line. Or sell some money. Right at the church.

Oh, jeez. That's why I work with this guy. Then they on the zip line or sell some right at the church that's why this is that's why i went with this then they take the honeymoon line over over downtown i don't know somewhere else to the motel to the shady dell there you go to the new bar and warren or to the new bar and warren yeah the hooters. Right next to City Hall. We appreciate you coming. I know you're going to go to City Council tonight. My pleasure. It's always good to see you guys.

I don't know who the hell you are, but it's always good to see you. Any other thoughts on your first 100 days? All you worry about is the next 100. Well, hopefully it doesn't beat you down as it did Gene Connors. Yeah. On city council for four years, the guy's a shell of himself. Good friend.

Anything else? Go ahead. Oh, hang on. Derek has a thing that he's very happy with you for. There was a meeting, and I brought up the visual obstructions in town, and I was hoping you were doing something there at the Gulch because there's some construction going on. There is.

As city business usually goes, they'll probably install something larger that's more visually obstructed. When they're done, I was just wondering. You want to know what's going on there? Yeah. Okay. Well, actually, it's kind of exciting, actually. We're taking all those old

medians that are all piled up with dirt and crappy plants and so forth. They're all coming out. Red brick is going in. And then we've got mining cars coming in that are being set up, and they're going to be planted, like in Telluride. He just

name-dropped Telluride. You see how he turned to me and went, Telluride, like he was dropping a microphone. Kind of like out in front of the museum right now, where they've got some of the old artifacts. Yes, and then we're going to have local artists decorate them. Oh!

People have got the horses and the cows. The pigs. Pigs and whatever. Yeah. We're going to have mine cars. Nice. And we also have

original streetlights that we've had powder-coated copper, and they're going to be going in there. And on that one median, we've got one of the big pots that they poured copper out of, and it're going to be going in there and on that one median we've got one of the big pots that they poured copper out of and it's going to be a water water feature so we do we

got some cool stuff that are happening as an entrance to the art and culture district what do you got that's how you know this guy is a better politician he just said what derrick said and made it sound nice. Derek said, I bet the city is going to take it down and just put up more obstructions so you can't see. And the mayor just made it sound beautiful. David Smith

was like the other two candidates we're talking about. We got to get more seniors down here and old people. That's not how you grow a town is with dying old people. No, no. David was all about arts. Go ahead.

I'm still taking full credit for whatever happens at that intersection in the Gulf. Well, it could go south and you could have all the credit there is. I'm sure I fucked it up somehow. Yeah, no problem. I do have a question. I know you've got to go. But how do we get to, or how does one go about being able to paint one of the carts? Is there an application?

Yeah, it's going to be through the Arts and Culture District, and they have a steering committee that's being formed right now. But you guys have got a few connections. We already got a day. July 3rd is Killer Termites Day, recognized by the city. Yes, we did. That might be a nice tie-in. Can we get an unofficial? Today is our 200th podcast.

Unofficially. And it's particularly an honor to be here on your 200th podcast. It's an honor to have the mayor in the funhouse. I don't want to put you on the spot, but because when we were running them for mayor, it was an internal thing where whoever got the most signatures, which we knew neither of them would ever get enough signatures to be on the ballot, then the one who got the most would be mayor of the Funhouse. And how did that turn out?

Well, then, you know, everything that went south. Well, Kenny got the most votes. I was going to put you on the spot and make you pick between Kenny and Derek for mayor, but no, you're the mayor. Don't get involved. I think Kenny got the most votes, I was going to put you on the spot and make you pick between Kenny and Derek for mayor, but no, you're the mayor. I think Kenny got the most signatures. He did. I'm new at politics, but I know you don't do that. Yeah.

There's potential of two votes there. You just cut your throat with one of them, right? Let me ask you, how many votes did you get? How many people voted for you? What was the turnout? Well, the turnout was...

The town's a little over 5,000. Yeah, and as far as the voters, I think there was a couple thousand. Round numbers, 2,000 turned out, and I got 64%, I think. Yeah. All right, so 64 of 30. That's how many votes you need in a small town. It's crazy. I love it.

Yeah. I want to get more involved. I just need something interesting going on. Stir up some shit. Get down to city council tonight. Stir up some shit. Get down to City Council tonight. Stir up some shit. Make fun of Gabe Lindstrom as much as you can. Our new council person.

I'll do that. Well, I don't need to. He can do that himself. A pleasure. Thank you very much. Mr. Mayor! Take a break. Take a break. Thank you very much. Yeah, we'll take a break and put on some AC. Bye. My name's Brett.

I'm a huge fan of the Doug Stanhope podcast and Stanhope himself. And, of course, all the other characters on the podcast. Chad, you're awesome. I love Castle Rock Kenny. I still believe he could be mayor. Chaley, of course, you're awesome because you're looking at me. And yeah, I just can't wait for, you know, 200 more. This is Joby from Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool.

This is Joby from Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool. And just wishing Doug Stanhope a congratulatory punch in the lip for his 200th podcast episode. And I hope that he makes it at least one or two more and then stop while he's ahead. Go to dscdp.com to play Doug Stanhope's Celebrity Death Pool with the rest of us morphing fucks hi this is richard simmons and you're listening to the doug stanhope podcast hey i want to dance with somebody hello caller becca what are you doing it's working it's working and he's fucking with this no he's on faith look he's becca is it back is it is it matter is it becky it's matt it's matt we got him last night yeah right becker. Becker. Hey, Becker. Hello there, then. Oh, Jesus.

Becker's amplified. Whoa. Yeah. It's those Costa Rican phone lines. Where are you? I've been hanging out with monkeys all night. I mean, come on. They're yellow.

Is that that one place where they go? There's one story that Becker and I have. It's the only time I ever watched that show, Two and a Half Men, where Becker moved. The movie? No, those TV shows. The bad show. Becker brought me to it, which was an astounding resort that just no one went to in uh south of where we have property in costa rica and the owner just dejected he's losing his ass he was a london becker wasn't he a london stock broker for a while and then yeah and what it was is the market member he crashed

so he tried to get all the brokers from London to come here and do their work here, and we're in the middle of nowhere, so there was nothing for him to do. They were, like, bored in a week, so he was like, fuck. So he agreed to rent the place for a year. So this guy is south of the middle of nowhere, and we go down. It's a 20-minute drive, and we show up, and it's just the owner, slouch-shouldered like me with my seahorse posture over the bar yeah what do you want to drink no one else is there he's watching two and

a half men and then he has a german shepherd go ahead oh but remember he said you guys don't mind this is like my favorite show it was it was just it was such a sad experience but then he had a german shepherd that was like ichabod beige light white beige colored that was covered in blood and the fucking owner is staring at the fucking two and a half men like it meant his life. Like it was 9-11, the Twin Towers are falling. He was staring at it with that much. And we go, why is your dog covered in blood? And do you remember what he said, Becker? He killed a monkey.

Out of a low-hanging branch. So it's the monkey's fault. But it was the most boring thing that ever happened. That is some strange fruit indeed. He never broke eye contact from the TV. He goes, yeah, he ate a monkey out of a low-hanging branch. And then was acting like he was pissed off at us for talking over his stories. Yeah, but to be fair, that was the episode with Brooke Shields on it.

Blue Lagoon, Brooke Shields? That's the one. But do you remember what else he told us then it was the story of his dad got trapped in a tree by fucking wild pigs or something i don't remember that oh yeah his dad got stuck for like two days up in a tree oh that's what came up the tree they wouldn't. That's why he was bored with just a dog eating a monkey. Yeah. Oh, it's nothing. My dad was trapped by wild pigs.

You want real terror. Hang on. Wait for the commercial. I'll tell you about my dad. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. They're talking. That's not a knife. He justified his dog eating the monkey by going uh well i had a puppy and it

was missing so i came out to look for it and a boa had eaten it and it was in the middle of the boa when he saw it on the sidewalk so he cut the boa open and got the dog out but it's already dead so that's how he justified killing the monkey, I think. I don't know. Oh, my God. I can't. Becker, when we do the audible version of this book, because you and Andy are in half the fucking stories. I can't wait.

We already decided we're going to go to Vegas and we're going to do all the off-script parts of the book in Vegas with you and Andy and anyone else. At the plaza? That's more than likely. Friday night. That's just where I'm picturing it. That's me and Becker's place. At the plaza.

Unless Vegas has changed their terms of agreement, we'll be at the plaza. Becker, why the fuck are you still in Costa Rica? You usually leave early March. Every other year I stay one week long and one week short. And right now it's six degrees at home, so I think

I planned it right. It's fucking, it was 76 degrees here. Summer started here. Yeah, you forget you got another home it's beautiful here i really debated just hop skipping and jumping up home you know just go there next and you gotta give me notice because that cut to get the mail becky you gotta give me notice becker that couple, they're really sweet, and I don't want to kick them right out the same day. Hey, don't cock-block Shaley's Airbnb business.

Gay B&B. I mean our business. Our business. It's called Gay B&B, and it has a sweat lodge and a lube shack set up in your house down here in Bisbee. Listen, Butters is going to need a week's notice to get out of there. Oh, I forgot. Tonight at your house is hot yoga.

I mean, our house. In the middle of the street. Our house. That's where we beat our meat. right hey becker i gotta go these guys are drunk this this podcast has gone on too long sorry which podcast was it again yeah what uh what uh when do you set the fire becker oh oh it's uh it's uh number uh 200 it's number 200. It's 200. I checked it today. No, but when do you start your fire?

Because Becker has a giant fire pit. It's not as big as the lavender pit here in Bisbee, but it's close, where he puts all his garbage in before he leaves Costa Rica. Oh, Becker, I trashed Costa Rica so hard in the new book. I don't even mention the fucking time we got robbed. Just the one time. That didn't even make it, but that was a bad one. It was so bad, the robbery didn't make it?

I list every fucking fake rumor I make up about Costa Rica, about raping white women and feeding babies to crocodiles. What do you got? Hang on, Chad Shank. All of what you said is outrageous, but did you just blow past the fact that he's about to set up garbage fire that he's going to abandon? Yeah.

He lives in the Bisbee of Costa Rica. Well, actually, Ben Becker has a podcast called near the wild alaska podcast that uh i'm on with john norris and we talk about the uh the fire pit every year for the last three years it is uh it is a spectacle it is a thing that uh everything becker does is a spectacle so i'm picturing the back of the end of From Dusk Till Dawn when there's just a giant pit or there's just stuff burning off the end. I'll tell you, I don't want to stop Becker from saying this,

but we've talked about this. There's a backhoe that comes in and digs a pit that the garbage and debris from Five Acres goes into, and before he leaves, they light it on fire. They roast pigs in there while he's gone? No, because this is a thing that you can't stand near. It's like eight feet deep.

Becker, Chaley's obviously drunk. We've been podcasting for like five hours or some shit. We're all obviously drunk. So I was going to light the fire like a couple days ago, and then there was a huge fire at the beach

that burned about 10, 12 acres up above us. So the next night it was perfectly calm. I called the guy who takes care of our property and said, do you think it'd be a bad night to start the fire right after the last fire? Especially since the beach is above you. Yeah, so I'm going to wait a couple more days. I'm going to film it.

I got good cameras this year. I'm going to film it. I want to do a zip line with a GoPro on it and shoot it right into the fire. He'll do it, though. That's the difference. We talk shit. Becker does shit. Becker will actually set up a fucking zip line and have a GoPro.

Becker did the bulls this year. He went in the ring. See, now you're just lengthening this podcast. No, I'm saying go to the Near the Wild Alaska podcast. Please do. Yes. Absolutely. Yes.

Thank you, and congratulations on number 200 doug i remember when it was uh one i love you mr becker we're gonna have some fun times coming up absolutely pure vita pura vita Pro-fina. Let me just start it. All right. Ready? I'm ready. Hey, we have a new sponsor. We should be losing sponsors, not gaining them, but we have a new sponsor, and it's proflowers.com.

Pro Flowers. You think I'm not about flowers? Look right there. Look beside you, Denise. You know what? I bought that fucking flower for myself today because I was too lazy to cut a dozen. I buy flowers for me.

This whole ad read is about, hey, did you have an anniversary or a birthday? Send them flowers. Buy flowers for your fucking self, man. Bingo's in Wyoming. I buy flowers for me because I like them. I think it's such a cliche. No, I like fucking flowers.

I'm not buying them for someone. Susie in Lane 3, early mornings at safeway every time i buy flowers oh are you buying them for neighbor dave it's a running joke i enjoy it but you know what i buy them for me if bingo's around i might say hey i got you flowers but i bought them for me so buy yourself fucking flowers or buy flowers for someone when it's not their birthday and it's not their anniversary and it's not a funeral where it's something you should do buy fucking flowers for buy flowers for someone you hate at work oh good oh good spin that is absolutely because it it you go oh, you bought me flowers.

That was really nice. I didn't think you liked me. And then you kind of... It deflates a lot of that hate where you go, oh, she really thinks I meant that. And replaces it with confusion. Exactly. Wow. Yes.

Subversive flower sending. I like it. And you can save $10 if you buy anything over 29.99 29 bucks yeah if you go to pro flowers and you put in the uh fucking hashtag stanhope they know how the fucking things work it's different stanhope code it's different than the other things we've done uh up in the upper right-hand corner of the webpage, right at the beginning, right at the beginning, you get to proflowers.com. You will see this up in the right-hand corner.

Just type in Stanhope, hit enter, and it will say, hey, you get $10 off. Right off the bat. Not later on and you find out some flim-flam switch and bait thing. It's right off the bat, $10 off as long as it's $29.99 or more. I wonder how many people don't listen to podcasts that have to pay, like, the full price. You just, yeah. Burr, Kreischer, whatever.

Corolla. That's like 40% of the world. That would be a fun way to do this is to just go and put in the code of your favorite comic's last name and if you don't get 10 bucks off they stink

don't pay to go see them perform so yeah and they have other it says they have this deal works on best selling gifts like the 100 blooms bouquet, a dozen red roses, or even their totally unique plant gifts, which I think Pro Flowers might be selling weed soon. Totally unique plant gifts. Different market.

Not now. Not now. I'm not saying. I told you not to read that part. If you order a unique plant gift and it's weed, shut up. Shut up about it.

You know a guy to give it to. Or a lady. If it's not, still shut up about it. So, yeah, buy yourself some fucking flowers. If I'm going to push this, I'm going to push it the way I buy myself flowers,

and I enjoy them. He really does. I've been married 18 years. I probably bought my wife flowers like three or four times. I bought Stanhope flowers twice just because I know how much he likes them. Stop and get ice on the way over to a party, and they have cheap fucking flowers. You just get a big bucket of them. Yeah, they're colorful.

I mean, look at our house. We like exotic colors or puke drawing colors. Yeah, I like colorful goddamn flowers. So buy yourself some flowers. Fuck other people. It's all about you. You die in the end and no one's going to care after a couple months. Where then there'll be more flowers.

Which you're not going to give them about at that point. And don't forget, we've got a seven-day freshness guarantee that if the flowers don't arrive fresh, you let them know, and they'll take care of it right away. And all of the flowers come straight from the grower. I'm not going to tell you to just take advantage of that and go, hey, they weren't fresh. Send me more flowers.

He didn't say that. I won't say that, but I know you're going to do that. You know, between Blue Apron and Pro Flowers, we're really trying to get you guys laid. It's almost date night. We just need a Netflix deal.

There it is. Netflix and fuck. We need a condom deal. Chad, wrap that up with the golden voice. Do yourself a favor and help out the podcast that you love by supporting Pro Flowers. Hold on, hold on. Chad, hey man, help out this podcast. You said announcer.

But I said also in your own words. I don't have any words. I know. That's the crux. Threaten them. Threaten them. It says do yourself a favor and help out our show by supporting Pro Flowers. Would I have better words than that?

Say it threateningly. Do yourself a favor and help out this podcast. You're running security. You're running security. You're running security. We all know what the fuck it is. If you like people, then you fucking help them out, whether you want flowers or not. I know you have a birthday or an anniversary coming up,

but even if you don't, like Stanhope said, send yourself some flowers or send Stanhope some flowers. Oh, that's an even better one. Send yourself a shitload of flowers at your own workplace with a note from some chick that doesn't exist. Hey, Mr. 13 inches. Hey, after you commit suicide, you can set it up beforehand so flowers arrive to your funeral and it looks like

somebody gave a fuck about you i don't know if you actually are we marketing to our audience that's actually a feature you can actually pre-buy something and have it delivered way in advance like a year in advance you could do it so good yeah you could send flowers to your own funeral as long as you know when you're going to kill yourself i used used to do prank calls where I'd call, well, we always did prank calls, but I'd call funeral homes and try to set up my own funeral. Like, oh, no, it's for me. It's for December. I'm calling in April.

I get a bad feeling. Yeah. Oh, that's a great one. Yeah. Kill yourself. Well, Mr. Stanhope, we have a wonderful spray of flowers from a local florist. Nope. I already got the flowers taken care of.

Got it. Pro Flowers will deliver on the day. So if you have a birthday, an anniversary, or a funeral coming up, order them at Pro Flowers. So right now, get $10 off your purchase of $29 or more at Pro Flowers. Send us pictures of flowers you sent to yourself at work or any goofy way you can send yourself flowers through Pro Flowers. I said it first. See, I fucked it up too.

It's Pro Flowers fault. Tweet it at Doug Stanhope and hashtag Pro Flowers. But yeah, you should tweet it at Doug Stanhope and hashtag ProFlowers. And at HDFatty, at RealTomKanopka, at Greg Chaley. Or just the Doug Stanhope. Or just that. Finish that last one, Chad. Just go to ProFlowers.com and enter code Stanhope at checkout to get the special deal.

There we go. Bingo. Mr. Doug Stanhope, this is Wayne Roberts, a.k.a. Nate the Bullet. Congratulations on 200 episodes. You fucking rock. I fell in love with you with Ibogaine. I want 200 more, motherfucker. We're back!

Or we're still here, or we're starting. I don't know. Depends on how Chaley edits the fucking thing. It's our 200th? 200th. 200th. Wow. 200 episodes, not including the bullshit ones.

30 Days in the Hole, 10-Minute Podcast, a podcast with the nine-year-old. I'm not big on fucking, but round numbers. I'm going to turn 50. Yeah, I'll be in Reno. I'll be drunk because it's a round number, but it's not going to be a 52nd birthday party.

It was nice to say to the sponsors. We've got two sponsors today. So it was nice to say, oh yeah, well, get us the copy because we're going to do our 200th episode. And they're like, wow. Reel them in, Chaley. Tom Konopka, we have a house full. But right now on the mics are Tom Konopka and Chad Shank.

Mr. Chad. I am here. Greg Chaley. And we've got a house full of other people. We have an open mic, so if you have to chime in, there's a mic. Just come up and talk into it.

But, oh, Tracy is all sexed out with her big fat tits fucking jammed in your face like Lulu Monkey. Look at her. But we mic'd her too. Check it, Tracy. Oh, yeah, she's mic'd.

Oh, it's not on. No one turned it on. You missed the giant microphone. Doug, turn her, too. Check it, Tracy. Oh, yeah, she's mic'd. Oh, it's not on. No one turned it on. You missed the giant microphone. Doug, turn her mic on. Is the green light on? Yep. It's on? Green light's on.

Oh, here we go. There you go, Tracy. You mic'd Tracy knowing that she won't talk if she's mic'd. Nah. She'll only talk. She's nodding her fucking head right now. You're so right. There it is.

That's pretty true. Oh, there it is that's pretty true oh there it is alright alright Tom Konopka made some blue apron well what did you cook tonight Tom? chicken yakini koo it's phonetics

chicken yakini koo with sesame marinated carrots and garlic rice Chad I pass it right to you brother it was fucking good. I had a bite of each dish, and it was a home run, in my opinion.

It was good. It had some rice with some sauce that was good, carrots that were sort of sweet. It was the sesame oil in the carrots, I think, which made it pop. Yeah, it was a good flavor. I ate pizza. I've been starving myself, and I found there was a tiny sliver of pizza,

so I said, well, I'm going to be drinking, I'm going to eat that. And I thought I would really relish eating pizza, because I've been starving myself. And I really enjoyed the chicken yakiniku shit way better than the pizza. There's nine people here, so I bailed off the gourmet blue apron meal. I'll just throw a fucking half a piece of pizza in my head. I've been up since 3.30 in the morning. Yeah.

I don't care about my weight. So excited about his 200th episode. He got up at 3.30. He couldn't go back to sleep. So cute. Yeah, but he went to sleep at 2.30. That's the whole point. Yeah.

It was great. It really was great. Tom, bravo, by the way. Nice presentation. The plate looked great. Yeah, you're fucking nailing it. Blue apron. Tom is so good at everything.

You fucking take him. You go to Safeway, and he's helping little old ladies put fucking chicken in a bag. Oh, let me get that for you. That's why I said he could be the mayor, but he's smarter than the mayor. Thank you, guys. Because he wouldn't want to be a mayor. Bless you, my brother. But we get drunk, and we just create things Tom should do.

And we have fun with it. Tom should do real estate because he can sell fucking anything to anyone. He should do real estate here. Everyone jacks me up on email. Hey, what's property like? What are the good neighborhoods? But that is something

that is doable. That is something that is You do have the inside track because if you look at the history of real estate sales in this area, Stanhope is leading. Is it? The leading purchaser?

He is. You got it in. You know, you could probably, we're in a small town here. There's not much regulation. You could probably just say that you're a realtor. Yeah. And then that's a way to get out and talk to people. And then when you find out they're serious, they're not just jagging you around.

Didn't we talk about this? Yeah, we did. I don't know if we talked about it on a podcast, but we talked about it in real life somewhere where all we'd have to do is get Tom hooked up with a licensed realtor and split the commission. You're almost there, but you were very drunk, so I don't expect you to remember. You may have read this in a pamphlet. But we were talking about it. Tom will be the one who talks and glad hands, and I will do the paperwork.

There we go. It will be a thing where he will do what he's fucking great at, and I will not do something I'm horrible at, and that's talk to people. But you only have one job. A realtor paperwork. There it is. We can't add. It's infinite have one job. A realtor paperwork. There it is. We can't add. It's infinite. Another job.

That's what we were talking about, though. Yeah. All right. That was like two nights ago. Yeah, that would save me, I don't know what, three night courses to be a realtor in this town. But we'll see. Actually, one of the big things is to check it. You just kick the wall, and if it doesn't fall, it passes.

Yeah, it's a good car. It's a good house. Exactly. Yeah i i think that's a good possibility let's do that i should have asked you like uh i said do you get a story for the 200th episode and i would segue you into it naturally but i didn't even ask what it was i don't know uh yeah actually i do have kind of a story so give me this segue what would the segue be the segue would be man i'm full of blue apron i wish i had a story thanks blue apron i was going from sales i don't know if it's a sales story i just i need a story it's a dealer story i need an end watch that's a casino it's a casino story. I need an end point. It's a casino. It's a casino story. It's not a big deal, but it was a good memory.

Hey, you know what? Selling real estate to gamble in a market like this. Speaking of gambling, Tom. Oh, man. Blue apron. What a better way to cook. When you say better, do you mean B-E-T-T-E-R or O-R? Because bettors are gamblers with the O-R.

And Tom, you know, speaking of bettors, you were in the gambling casino business. Yes, sir. You better have been. Or this segue won't work. All bets off. Am I running into you now? Bet or? Yeah.

Yeah. No, I didn't know if we were going to segue later. Yeah, no. It was a good segue, but I thought you might have cut. And a better one. Yeah, no. Segway later. Yeah, yeah.

You like that. Put those two together. I was thinking. Actually, it was off of something we talked about last night. You'll remember the reference. I was here last night? Yeah, a little bit. For a while.

I was just thinking, for anybody listening to the podcast, they know what you just said. I worked in Atlantic City and I worked in Las Vegas. And it's kind of one of those what goes around comes around kind of stories. It's a difficult setup. Go ahead. Atlantic City, you were there in its heyday. Yeah. Not in the decrepit fucking fuck no post trump i never i never saw that i never saw the ghost town i i saw it in 79

80 into 81 when it was just a fucking melee of money and it was a it was unbelievable the best of atlantic city versus the best of Vegas. Because you were there in a kind of heyday of Vegas. Not Bugsy Siegel. So which did you prefer? The best month of either one? Well, it's two completely different animals entirely. What was going on in Atlantic City at that time will never be rivaled anywhere.

Even anywhere in the history of Las Vegas or Monte Carlo or any, just the sheer volume of people, the amount of tables and the handle, the amount of money, the drop was light years ahead of Vegas. But it was because of that fact, nobody was there. No, but it is what it was. People were coming down on buses 24 hours a day from the tri-state area, and they weren't there for vacations. They weren't happy. They were there to hit and get the fuck out that night. And that was it.

And you sensed that. No dealers were smiling. Your ass was on the table dealing non-fucking-stop. There was no, hi, how you doing? There was no schmoozing. You didn't keep your own tips, tokes as we call them. It was split 24 hours.

It was a fucking factory. Fuck, I haven't heard tokes in forever. Yeah, tokes. He says it all the time, though. It's really weird because I don't know what he's talking about. Well, around here, it's a different reference.

It's the old, yeah. I haven't lived in Vegas in 30 years. No, but each thing was incredible. But Atlantic City, just going back to Atlantic City, I had two friends of mine that I worked with in New York City. One of them was a gaming instructor with me. I was a gaming instructor in New York City.

And these two guys are from Brooklyn. And when they got to work in Harris, one of the, my friend Gary's friend, his name was Arnie. I can't mention his name. Gary died. Arnie is, he probably owns Harris right now. I don't know.

But this guy was one of the youngest pit bosses that was ever in Atlantic City. And they would fuck with each other. But you would fuck with each other in a way where you could get away with it, but not in front of strangers. Comics work kind of similar. Yeah, we say a lot of words we couldn't ever say on stage in the green room all the time. Well, I was trying to think how I approach this.

Because after one of these busy fucking shifts, typically at Harrah's where we were we were on the marina and there was a bar right next door we didn't have to go into Atlantic City you just worked your ass off we worked swing shift we got off at two o'clock you went over to this bar and unlike Vegas you didn't associate in Vegas with pit bosses and shift bosses these are mobsters they don't you wouldn't want to associate with them. There in Atlantic City, they were so happy to have the jobs. Once we were off work, we were all the same.

We're partying, getting high together and all this. Well, my friend Gary, both of these guys dressed, everybody else that we worked with all dressed kind of, they were trying to be sharp.

Gary and Arnie were from Brooklyn and they were Yiddish. They were Brooklyn Jews and that's not derogatory they had a very their sense of humor was very much like unless you hate Jews you can take it however you like no but they their their comedy was brilliant they were both card sharps they were magicians mathematical geniuses and they would dress like nebbishes

basically but one day in the bar I'm with Arnie and we're with these two girls and we're yak and it's a busy fucking bar and gary came in late and he had changed his suit and when he walked in instead of looking like a fucking uh a school professor you know with the tweed jackets with the fucking elbow that shit he. He was all black. Black pants, black shirt, black belt. Everything was black except one faux pas. It looked so fucking ridiculous. This was 1980.

For a short period of time, I guess it was hip, he had a fucking tie that looked like a fucking tape measure. It was like an inch wide. Okay? And it was like an inch wide okay and it was gray not shiny it was a leather tie but it was about an inch wide and it was like a flat gray no shark skin probably it was fucking no it was it was leather no exactly it was leather and it it it it applies to the story technically shark skin isskin is leather. Yeah, pleather. But this was the thing. The fucking thing was tied, and it only came down halfway down his stomach.

So it's equivalent to having a tuxedo on high water. It looked fucking ridiculous. That's how Chaley dresses with a short tie. But this was the thing. Who is this guy? Yeah, exactly. He's ripping off your stuff. But this was the thing.

When we got off work, we knew this guy, Gary, who had walked in with this beautiful black outfit with this stupid fucking gray, flat, inch-wide tie, was trying to hit on one of the girls that we were talking to. We knew this. He's been trying to bang this one girl. And as soon as he walked in, he didn't just walk in. It's a loud bar. He stopped, and now he's literally

posing he's peacocking right and my friend arnie my friend arnie who these two guys are the best of friends didn't let that go by as soon as he walked in and he stopped arnie looks at him he goes he goes he talks he goes oh Kaz. Oh, snazzy. Oh, look at you. He says, I have one question, Gary. Where do I get one of those rubber ties? And when he fucking said that, Gary just stopped. And he said, no, no, no.

This is leather. And he's pulling it. It's a leather, genuine leather tie. He goes, no, no. He says, I think that's a genuine rubber tie in fact if i pull that i bet it would stretch about three fucking feet and now he says to the girl that gary was hoping to bang that night i don't know her name let's say susan he's susan go up check that tie see if i'm right or wrong pull on that fucking tie and now he gary goes to

hug her and she didn't have any part of that she She started to touch it, and he goes, no, you're not. He said, pull it. And now she's yanking on his fucking tie, and he's leaning forward like a fucking mark. She keeps pulling it and pulling it. He goes, you're not even pulling that fucking tie. And obviously it's not stretching, but it was cinching at the fucking neck like a fucking noose. So now the whole bar sees what's going on, but it was so loud, they don't know what the setup is. They just see this guy walks in.

He looks great except the douchebag tie. And this girl's yanking him around like a fucking dominatrix. Come here with me. So now they're all laughing. And now the other girl. Now Arnie pushes the other girl. Help her out. Stretch that fucking tie.

This is true. Now both girls are fucking pulling this out. Stretch that fucking tie. Oh shit. This is true. Now both girls are fucking pulling this tie and then Gary flipped. He was kind of laughing at first. He wasn't laughing. He went from fucking red embarrassment

to purple asphyxiation and now he's fucking waving their hands and he's saying, get the fuck off of me. Get the fuck. And he turned around and walked out the fucking thing

but when he walked out he had both hands under the knot. We didn't realize it but that was a tell. walked out, he had both hands under the knot. Like, we didn't realize it, but that was a towel underneath. He's trying to pull this fucking. So now we're sitting down. Everybody's laughing. That's the lead into the story.

What goes around comes around. That's the first half. Now, Gary, we both rented a house right on the beach in Brigantine. It's an island next to Atlantic City. Arnie, who called this whole shot, lived, I think, in Margate or Vettner. It's a city next to Atlantic City. But we saw each other every day.

When we went home that night, when I went home, I saw Gary, and he was fucking beyond fuming. He was so pacing. The tie he had cut off. He had to fucking... No, he had to cut the fucking

rubber tie off. And I saw him. I said, Gary, why'd you fucking leave? Why did I fucking leave? He said, he fucking embarrassed me. I said, come on, man. He's busting your balls, dude. You guys grew up together. You guys bust chops. He goes, no, no, no. There's a difference.

He said, I wanted to bang that girl. He knew that, and he embarrassed me in front of everybody. He says, I'm going to get that motherfucker. I said, Gary, he's joking. I said, but let me ask you, where did you get that fucking rubber tie? It's not a rubber fucking tie. Now I'm saying I'm joking. I said, just take the fucking joke.

So now the next three days at work, he's sitting box. He's a boxman. He's an executive at the dice at work he's sitting box he's uh you know he's a boxman he's a an executive at the dice table he's sitting i'm dealing what what what's what position is that he's he holding the chips or watching what's going on he's seated he has this suit on oh yeah yeah minus the rubber tie the next he gives the nod if like yeah that's good but in atlantic city was a big deal you have to secure the bankroll you have to make sure everything is fucking secure everything is secure the bankroll. You have to make sure everything is fucking secure. Everything is secure in the bankroll. Make sure that people are happy. That's everything.

But Arnie was a big boss. He had worked, I think, only six months in Las Vegas at D.L. Cortez, as a matter of fact. A dice dealer. That was his background. But back in those days when you applied for a license in Atlantic City, you would sign up for

multiple games. The more games you say you're qualified for Atlantic City, you would sign up for multiple games. The more games you say you're qualified for, the more you get paid. It's like actors who pad their resume with, I horseback ride and I do jujitsu. All that shit. And so, but Arnie was so fucking brilliant that he moved up the ladder within a year and a half at Harrah's. He became the youngest shift boss casino manager in the history of Atlantic City. The guy was a fucking brilliant guy, genius. And so when he walked by, now we're partying, you know, at night and we hang out together.

But in there, he's yes, sir, no, sir. You know, you don't even want to make contact, but we're friends. Now, so when he walked up just like in vegas anywhere when your friends they can do the job but you can kind of talk out of the corner of the mouth like i'd walk up to doug and hey what's up jack off and you'd say something back but nobody hears it yeah you're still conducting you're still you know respect so they didn't even look at each other arnie would come by look at see it's called uh he's checking the drop seeing what the bankroll was, doing fills.

We need 20,000 in black. We need this and that. And walk away. Yep, nope. No conversation. But I knew Arnie was going to get it. And so one day, it was about three days after the rubber tie incident, Gary suddenly calls me. He calls me, leans me he says come here come here what are

you talking about i'm dealing there was only about three people on my end the other end of the table was swamped and the dealer was a fucking lump it was horrible so once that's very rare usually it's busy on both sides but so there were three guys on my side gary's sitting box and arnie is going from pit to pit he's in the dice pit he's the big boss yeah and i'm watching and i said i knew something was going to happen and gary just said here quick call over arnie because i saw him moving around call him over quick like what's going on just call him over i didn't know what was going on arnie comes over and he said what's going on. Barney comes over, and he says, what's going on? Now, I have to do a quick setup.

On a dice table, there's procedures to secure it. I've never understood craps, and I've played it a million times when I was drunk and lost at every other thing, and someone showed it to me, and I never remembered. I thought you and I, I never brought you downtown to the quarter craps. You probably did when I was drunk, and I didn't remember. We were both drunk. I like to sit and gamble.

I hate to stand. Yeah, well, but this was the shit. On a dice table, the guy that's moving the dice, it's imperative. Two of the main things that you say continually. First is people will tend to pick up the dice and think it's Yahtzee and they'll pick it up with both hands

and they're fucking around. You can't do that. As the clock is ticking, they're making making money if the dice are not moving also my dexterity is so bad that I'm the guy that immediately throws them off the table I need the blackjack table and let it ride people are on their fucking hands and knees to find the dice and be helpful and yeah man overboard yeah yeah no dice well this is it so the two most important common things that the stick man is going to say and all this ties in so hang in there with me uh is first one would be one hand on the dice that's the most important because people will

pick up the dice and rub them with both hands very common thing that idiots they don't know on them yeah they blow on them they do all that shit but the rubbing can actually as good as they're made they go through a micrometer they're shit, but the rubbing can actually, as good as they're made, they go through a micrometer. They're so solid, but you can crack an edge off occasionally, and now they're called PC dice. You're rolling percentage dice.

They tend now to not roll random. There's a play. But so the most common thing that you're going to hear them say is one hand on the dice. That's the most important. And the second one is just pick them up, shoot them when you get them, sir.

Okay, here we go. Shoot them when you get them because people like to stack them, play with them when you get them, sir. Okay, here we go. Shoot them when you get them. Because people like to stack them, play with them, blow on them, fuck with them. And it doesn't do shit. They're not loaded dice. Just shoot the fucking dice, you know? You're going to lose anyway,

so just get it over with, basically. Isn't that more like a baseball player eating the same dinner night after night because he got a hit the night before? I mean, when they're stacking those things. Pointless. Yeah, it's pointless but to them it's a lot of it's superstitious a lot of them read books that a lot of them are trying to do stupid techniques that you can't do on a regulation table they think they're doing control shots and it's all bullshit i could talk about that nonsense but uh the bottom line was this so he flags flags over Arnie. Okay, Arnie comes over. And now Gary was able to talk, like all the good bosses,

because both of them had worked in Vegas where they're talking out of the corner of the mouth. I can hear them. Now Arnie's between myself, Gary's seated. The players on my end, the guy that's been shooting the dice, there's a guy and they were both big. You could tell they were big. How can I say that politely? They were goombas.

They were big, tough fucking guys. Steve, sure up his. Really, there you go. And actually, the guy looked very similar to Steve when he was at the Rift. They all do. They all do, don't they?

Of course. Well, the guy that was shooting the dice was on a roll for about 15 minutes, which is a long time. And he had a red short-sleeved shirt on. Okay, but he was a big fucking guy. He looked like a guy from North Philly. You don't want to fuck with this guy.

So Gary has him come over, and I hear him whisper. And Arnie goes, what the fuck's going on? I'm busy, Gary. This is the first time they're talking after a rubber tie embarrassment. And fucking Gary just whispers out of the corner of his mouth. He said, you see the guy with the red shirt? Yeah, what? He says, the fucking guy keeps picking up the dice and rubbing them.

He says, well, tell him not to. He said, well, I told the stick man asked him once. I asked him twice, and he still didn't do it. Can you do something? Tell him. And right then, because Arnie was a new boss, you tend to almost overprove yourself. Because he's not even supposed to be talking.

You have shift bosses, all of his underlings. He's so high in the casino, he shouldn't have to talk. He's walking around like John Gotti. He doesn't talk. It's like Paulie in Goodfellas. You don't talk to Paulie. You don't even look at fucking Paulie. Well, that's what Arnie was.

But these guys were the best of friends. So after he said that that now here it comes the stick man now starts moving the dice towards the guy towards sharipa with the red shirt sleeve shirt and arnie just said whoa whoa whoa bring the dice back bring them back to the center of the table and now the guy that's shooting the dice he's like you can see what the fuck hey what's going on he pulls he wore glasses he pulls the glasses from the bridge of his nose down onto the tip of his nose and he put both palms on the fucking table and leaned in and just stood staring at the guy for about 10 seconds silence and he said you he said you he says you're talking to me i said you he said the stick man asked you once the box man asked you twice now i'm telling you one hand on the dice do you

understand he said are you talking to me he said yeah one hand on the dice he said i've only got one fucking hand he lifted up his left hand It was amputated at the fucking wrist. And no one saw it but fucking Gary. Is that fucking believable? No one saw that but Gary. The whole fucking, it was unbelievable. Because the guy was leaning with his left

hand. It was right at the wrist. Gary is so sharp. He just saw it when the guy bought. The guy had been doing everything correctly with his right hand. And just leaning like we're leaning. I couldn't fuck. When he lifted up, everybody went silent. And fucking Arnie, he just went, oh, I'm so sorry.

I misunderstood. Can I get you a drink? He goes, no, get me the fucking dice. Every time I'm on a fucking roll, you guys interrupt. You suits. I'm on a fucking roll. And you always. You suits, I'm on a fucking roll. And you always come up and you stop these fucking games. What the fuck?

I'm so sorry. And then he looks at the stick man. He says, well, what are you looking at me for? Move the fucking dice. And they sent out a stick man shaking, and he's moving the dice. And I just see Arnie look down at Gary. And Gary stood in break. He's just staring at him.

And he just shook his head and walked right out of the fucking pit. Un-fucking-believable. That was a great fucking moment. That was a great moment. It took a while to get there, but you had to see that. And the funny thing was, the guy himself ended up, he was cool. Because he was bullshitting about it. And Gary, of course, when Orny walked out, Gary's like, yeah, these Atlantic City pit boys, they all think they're a big deal.

He's like, yeah, the guy's fucking nuts. So they're joking. He's rubbing it in. And the guy goes, I don't give a fuck. He said it happened when I was a kid. He said, I like playing blackjack. And usually, this is his bit. He said, yeah, last night I lost a big hand in blackjack. Oh, yeah, yeah, look. So it's a running gag that he had fun

with. Roger Rittenhouse, brilliant comic out of Denver, has a hook for a hand. This is what we were talking about last night. What's the guy? Remember the book? Yeah, his opening joke was he'd just pull the hook out and go, Oh, yeah, this.

Yeah. Yeah. Happened yesterday at the petting zoo. Llama my ass. There is one final touch to the story. I wasn't going to, but it is irrelevant. Why not wrap it totally? So now we're back at the bar where the scene of the rubber tide pulling.

Do you remember the name of the bar? Oh, Rum Point. Rum Point. Rum Point is probably still there. Wait, Rum Point, that's in one of the casinos. Well, I don't know what that is, but Rum Point was- A casino is a place where they have gaming? I think I kind of get that part.

But Rumpoint was a separate bar on the marina that was probably doing shit because it was only catering to the people in Brigantine. And then they built Harris. And now there's a billion fucking people and the place is jammed. So they were just waiting, waiting. And the long story short, that night, now we go over to the bar. Now it's Gary and I, Mr. Rubber Tie, that just set Arnie up for the fucking embarrassment of his life. And we knew, because Arnie was the big boss, it was going to take him a while. He does paperwork and shit.

But we knew we'd see him at the bar later that night. And all of the bosses, all of the pit bosses, all the shift bosses were at the bar. And they heard the story. And Gary set it up perfectly. He said, look, Arnie's going to probably be coming in in 15 or 20 minutes. Do me a favor. Don't say shit, but every one of you pull your fucking left hand into your jacket. And as soon as he comes up, because he's going to come up with his finger in my face, as soon as he comes up, I want everybody.

And there was about 20 people. This is no bullshit. Even dealers with the white long-sleeve shirts. We all pulled our thing. And as soon as Arnie came up, he said, Kaz, you did.

Everybody said, Hey, Arnie, one hand on the dice, motherfucker. And he finally started laughing and they hugged it out. And that's the fucking wrap up. There you go.

Beautiful. Tom Konopka. There's your fucking story. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One hand on the fucking. Yeah. Yeah. All right. One hand on the fucking dice. Fucking beautiful.

All right, we're going to take a break, and then we'll drop in a commercial here. Hey. TheShadyDell.com. That is where you stay. If you come to Bisbee and you're staying at the Shady Dell and I'm in town, I will have a beer with you. I won't hang out that long.

We're not going to be good friends. I don't want you to fucking tell me you're going to kill yourself. But if you're staying at theshadydell.com, vintage trailer park with all 50s, 60s trailers that we live a mile away from and we look for reasons to go stay there, come to theshadydell.com.

Sponsored by... I might even come in and clean your toilet. look for reasons to go stay there, come to theshadydell.com sponsored by I might even come in and clean your toilet. I don't know. Yeah, so this is John Norris, a guy who Doug Stanhope doesn't know, even though he's met me multiple times.

I'm one of the hosts of the Near the Wild podcast and I just want to wish Doug Stanhope and the whole crew happy 200th episode of Talking to Your Friends and Conning People with Less to Do to listen to it. Congrats. You got the moves and I got the angles.

Clap for the wolf, man. You're going to reach your record high. Clap for the wolf, man. You're going to dig him to the day you die. Mute. I was close to just angrily jerking all the cords out of the back of it. I'm drinking fast. I hope you're making these light.

Oh, she never makes them light. I do, too. I compare it to you. You're not drinking that fast. One ringy dingy. I wish I could do a Lily Tomlin impression. Hey, is this Fat Mike? It's Doug Stanhope.

It is. Hey, it's Fat Mike? It's Doug Stanhope. It is. Hey, it's Fat Mike from NoFX! They said it wouldn't happen. Why are there so many people there? Because it's our 200th episode, and we've never done a call-in before, because you know, you've been on the road. Call-ins suck.

So we're going to try to pause after a question and let you answer and then pause so no one's talking over each other. Call-ins are the fucking worst. I refuse to do them. But you're special, sir. Welcome. Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you very much.

So are we on the air right the area right yeah we're on the air well we're not it's not live we uh am i allowed to swear or or can i drink beer because i'd be more comfortable yeah we're i'm i'm fairly shit-faced right now uh we're drinking heavily tracy's overpouring everybody uh and and And you also have the buyer's remorse clause. This is not live. So if you say something shitty about someone and tomorrow you go, ah, fuck, I shouldn't have said that, Chaley will edit it out. Well, I feel that way almost every day of my life,

and I don't usually take back anything. So it shouldn't be a problem. I'm used to it. You should just way almost every day of my life and i don't usually take back anything so it shouldn't be a problem i'm used to it you should just call me every day i'm used to saying bad things about people daily so your your book was so inspirational when i had to write this second book where I read that and then I called Decapo Press and I said, send me anything else like that. It fires me up to want to write

and nothing they sent me compared to you. Everyone else got sober two-thirds of the way through the book and you know the rest of the book is going to suck but reading is so laborious to me. I'm going to follow through You didn't do that. No, why would I change my life? Everything is going so well.

Exactly! When you get to be my age, Doug... How old are you? I should know that from the book, but I retain nothing. I'm 50. Alright, I turn 50 in a week or two. Yeah, I know. I got you by a couple months though, so I can call you kid if I want to.

And I have more life experience than you now. I do that to Rogan all the time. Hey, he's like two months younger than me or a month. I go, when you get to be my age, Rogan, you're going to understand stuff a lot differently. A month from now. Well, you know, Doug, 50 is a new 70, I think.

Not for me. We're in good shape. So you like the book. That's a very nice thing to say. It was so well written for to have Motley Crue did with the dirt. They did kind of something similar where everyone chimed in. But Motley Crue hit beats that you go, this is such bullshit. This never happened.

Yours was so spot on. Like, no. People, like you're arguing with each other in the book in separate chapters. Where you go, I don't remember ever doing that. I never stole shit out of the lady's fucking silverware drawer or whatever. It was so beautifully written and it didn't stink of bullshit which is hard well you know there's no bs go ahead there's no bs in it and and one of the things we talked about before we were going to do it you know we looked at the motley

crew book as kind of a model but i'm like but you know what our story is way muddier and dirtier and and we have to tell everything. No bullshit. And if we're going to do this, we all have to tell every story. You know, you can't leave the bad parts out and make it a pretty book. It's not. It's an ugly book. People don't want to hear the fucking pretty parts. They want to hear the fucking awful shit.

They don't want to hear the success stories. They want to hear, you know shit they don't want to hear the success stories they want to hear you know what is the shit stories and yeah and we we went through a lot of shit really you know uh i'm just glad i wasn't the guy in the band that got molested because you know being neglected is a lot a lot easier than that the other way. I love – Mr. Fat, my name is Shaylee. I'm Doug's producer. The beauty of it, two things, is when you have opposing stories of the truth and you're both telling the truth, I think it just says that's fucking life. That's fucking life.

And then just not pulling any punches, and you guys not even knowing some of the stories until you each read the book, because some of that shit didn't come out. Like one guy's girlfriend was assaulted by a friend. I think it was Smelly. Smelly had a... Smelly's friend, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

That was pretty fucked up shit. But you guys didn't know that Until it came out And it's like I'm reading that Going This Either you guys are snowing me

Or this is fucking super real And I love that On some levels It reads like a A podcast Like a conversation Real time Like real time

Yeah Fuck you Fuck you Yeah Coming across But anyway Yeah I appreciated that Well the guy

The guy who put The guy who put it together did a great job of telling the story, you know, in a way that's different. And when Eric Melvin was reading the book, I'm like, did you start it? He's like, yeah. I'm like, what page are you on? He's like, I'm page 50. I go, I got to warn you. We knew your girlfriend got raped and we

kept it from you all these years. He's like, what? What? I had to give him some kind of warning. That's fantastic. I learned a lot about those guys I didn't know it's so weird

all the stories that none of us knew when you do something that's really embarrassing you can't talk about it for a week or a year it's strange how comics usually it's about 10 minutes but with you being in a band and having to count on other people, as a comedian, you have to work with another comic for a week,

but you don't count on them. You count on them for moral support, maybe. But to be in a band where you go, well, if this guy fucks off, well, with your band, a lot of people fucked off and you made do. Well, Smelly was the one where you fucking gave him a chance, dude. That was very admirable. You laid it out to him. That's why I wanted to do this podcast because we have the same attitude about drug use and alcohol.

You can't be a druggist. You can't blame someone for using drugs unless they start really fucking up. But he recorded three albums on heroin and he did a good job. You know, the other guys in the band were smoking pot at practice every day and they were forgetting.

They were the ones screwing up. They remember shit. Smell was happy being on heroin playing drums, and I didn't have a problem with that. When you start fucking up, then I'll have a problem. I didn't try drugs until my 30s, so when I do drugs now, Smelly doesn't give me shit. He doesn't like it.

He's like, hey, if you let me slide for six years, I'll let you slide for 16. I always found that I wasn't worried about people doing drugs until they started lying about it that's when i thought oh it's a problem you're obviously fucking sketchy and picking at sores and bugs are under your skin but no i've been clean for like a year man it's exactly right and and that's why when I started doing drugs, I was like, oh, this is fun. I'm going to tell everyone about it.

And as soon as you start to lie about it, then people start to think you have a problem and don't want to hang out with you, but just open about it. That's exactly right. Why am I repeating what you just said? Because it's a phoner interview and we have to shut up and we can't cross talk.

Let me tell you, I've been listening to your comedy albums and you have quite a potty mouth. I mean, sir, you are vulgar, I must say. And you're a Jew. So you know what? We're just going to have to get past these things. Yeah, well, you know. But, yeah, I love the places you go. I mean, wow.

Impressive. Very offensive. Which, you know, why punk rock and comedians, punk rockers and comedians really should hang out more often, because, you know, we like to do things that are offensive to society. I don't, and I'm sure you're the same way. I don't try to be offensive. I try to put my point of view across, which is not necessarily embraced by most of society i don't like go hey uh let's uh if i put fist fuck and retard in the same sentence oh everyone will go crazy i have to believe that you should fist fuck a retard before

i say it what yeah and because we're trying to make points and talk about things that people aren't used to hearing you know i have this song about how I killed my mom. And people are like, what? Why would you write that? Like, well, it's important. And I feel really good about it. Wait, did you kill your mom? Yeah, I killed my mom, dude.

What? It's in the book. I mean, she was sick. She had terminal cancer. And she asked me to in front of me and her friends. So it's not like I just killed her. But, you know, she asked me to take her out. And she brought me into the world.

Does he not know? You guys should, like, form a club. Yeah, no, that was the whole digging up mother is about my killing my mother. I didn't know. Was that in your book? I forgot. I my killing my mother. I didn't know. Was that in your book? I forgot. I didn't know that. I didn't.

It was in the book. Yeah. But I retained nothing. That's crazy. Yeah. That's the whole first chapter of my book is us, me and Bingo, my girlfriend, putting down my mother like a dog. Yeah. It's a first ladies club.

You and Fat Mike. That's pretty good. God, if I would have known, I would have held a pillow over my mom's face. Well, the pillow over the face thing, that's my only regret, is that I did what the doctors said and shot her up with a bunch of drugs.

And she suffered. I know she was suffering for 36 hours or so when shit now i kind of remember this i'm sorry mike you have to understand i would have put a pillow on her face because that's how you do it mike you have to understand my retention is shit uh so if that was in your book i forgot but i, no, my mother was dying of emphysema and took 90 morphine tablets and cashed out while we roasted her and gave her shit. Yeah, that's, yes, that's, that's what you do. I sat next to my mom and drank Jameson's and told her every fucked up story of my life

and she couldn't talk anymore, but she was like smiling. And, uh, it was, it was, it was awesome to be able to, you know, go through that process that way. You know, it was part of life and you got to hit that shit head on, right? That's, uh, all we could do was, uh, if I can't make this funny, I can't do this. So let's make it funny. And my mother, fortunately, had a good sense of humor. So she played along with all of our ribbing.

We did White Russians because she thought the milk would coat her stomach. She didn't want to fuck up her suicide. Yeah, she was... It was the best death ever. At request. She said, it's time. Post-it note, suicide note.

I mean... She knew it was time, and then summoned Doug, and then the carnival began. Who else was with you? Who else was with you? I was by myself. You know, I don't have any brothers or sisters or uncles or stuff, so I just did it myself.

You know, it was really hard, but I'm so glad that I got to do that for her. She had a sense of, did she have a sense of humor about your fucked up stories? Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I'm into the BDSM world and she would catch me doing shit. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Catch me. And, yeah, but, so, yeah, of course she did.

I mean, she was a cool mom. She had a mirror above her bed. She used to fuck really loudly. And she used to let me bring girls home when I was 16. No problem. Sleepover. Oh, yeah, I'm glad you're doing it here instead of on the street. You know, it's cool.

Yeah, my mom was similar to that. She'd just explain everything to you. I wish I was there. I know. I want to talk and then go have drinks. You're in the Bay Area, right? Yeah. Alright, I'm coming. I'm in San Francisco.

You're in Bisbee or Busbee or Bisbee, yeah, but I'm coming up there. I'm playing San Jose as close as I get to you, but Chaley won't be here with all the equipment, so I don't know how to fucking do a podcast by myself. Please make part two of this here. I got to fucking hang out with Mr. Fat Mike. Yeah, well, we have to do it in person sometime.

Fuck yes. Well, obviously it's an open invitation because uh we have uh we have uh get togethers here out all the time

and uh it's usually with music and comedy and podcasting yeah we have a couple stages at the house

small yeah well we should we should just do a show together the band and you that would be

gangbusters that'd be fun we have a venue you ever do that yeah it, the band and you. That would be gangbusters. That'd be fun. We have a venue. You ever do that? Yeah. It's terrible. Where are you? Are you in Arizona?

I don't even know where you are. Yeah, Arizona at the Mexican border. We're two hours south of Tucson at the Mexican border. We're in the middle of fucking nowhere. That's terrible. I'm sorry. No, it's great. Wait, you just said you want to come here.

We're in a town of... Yeah, people, but it's the Austin of Arizona. It's all super artsy. Civil union. To a fault artsy. Yeah, there are a lot of cunts. And you move there so you could be a famous person. You wanted to be the most famous person in a city, right? Am I getting this right?

Or did you grow up there? No, no, I just found it and I hated L.A. I just hated it. I did my 10 years and I had to get out. And I love small town, but it usually means living with fucking rednecks but this is an equal like you found a place yeah found it that's awesome yeah i left la right at a high school but i left because it wasn't so i didn't like it but in punk rock my friends were getting stabbed

not constantly but when one of my best friends got stabbed in the lung for no reason, I'm like, I don't want to, I like the music, but I don't want to get stabbed. I had an ex-girlfriend that was into punk rock in Phoenix, and she said her punk rock boyfriend would bring darts and then just throw darts into the mosh pit and hit people with darts and i'm like what the fuck i never saw that one but you know the cool thing about punk is you can do anything no matter how fucked up it is and say well it's punk you know you can't throw a brick through a window and say, that's jazz. You know? Jazz only works in punk rock.

It only works in punk rock. So, that's the beauty of it. I grew up, I'm 51, so we graduated about the same time, but I went, I was in Sunny Hills in Fullerton, California,

and I grew up in that punk scene the same time as you, but when I was reading the book, you saw some fucking shit, man. I mean, I was down in L.A. once in a while to see punk shows, but the stuff that you guys running into fucking Mike from Suicidal and it being like get away with your life kind of thing. That was fucking, I knew that was there, but I didn't experience any of it, and it was pretty fucking real, man. I mean, that was fucked up shit. And that was the same time I was living in, like, fun Orange County. Hey, dude, ride to the beach.

Well, you know, you should read, well, actually, you people, you beach people came to Hollywood and really ruined punk rock. You're welcome. You should read Jack Grisham from T.S.O.L. Yeah, yeah. Called him American Demon. That book is even more crazy than our book in a lot of ways. He's a serious psychopath.

Yeah, I tried to read that one when he discovered punk rock he's like oh right this is my scene I belong here you can do whatever you want and it's acceptable but he took it to the extreme if I'm not mistaken Fat Mike if I'm not mistaken that's one of the ones I tried to read

and he kept talking about how he was like a god and shit. Yeah, he's a real demon. Yeah, that's the fucking guy. I couldn't get that book. I hated that guy from the beginning. I couldn't read it. You spoiled me on the fucking rock and roll bio where I tried to read that and I tried to read the other

guy that had... Keith Morris, Circle Jerks. You tried to read that one too and you stopped. There was one guy... Yeah, I read that one too and it's... I don't know. When one person tells a story, writes a book, you don't have enough experience. That's why it's cool because between the four of us, we had...

And we all did crazy lives. Like the counterfeiting Hefe did. Yeah. His lawyer, his public lawyer got him off, but he would have done 20 years minimum. And he got off because they searched the trunk illegally. Like crazy shit. Some of the stories, if you said, hey, this book includes this, this, crazy shit. Some of the stories, if you said, hey, this book includes this, this, and this,

no one would fucking believe you. You just have to hand the book to someone, which is what we did. That's why we don't have it here, is because you just read a good book and you pass it on. Fat Mike, I was telling them that every good book that I've read, I don't

have, because if it's good, I hand it them that every good book that I've read, I don't have. Because if it's good, I hand it to someone. The only books I own are some are for nostalgia and others are because I haven't got to them yet. If it's good, I can't fucking find it. Yeah, that's exactly right. My friend Sturgeon gave me Chasing the Scream, which is an amazing book. And I passed it on, too. Who's that?

Who's that? Plug it again. What is it? It's Chasing the Scream. Who's it about? It's about how the drug war started. Oh, fuck. Is that how?

It's amazing how they went after Billie Holiday. The FBI killed her, you know, handcuffed to a hospital bed because of that song, Strange Fruit. It's such good research, and it really makes you think about. Hold on a second. I don't think they know about Strange Fruit. You guys know about the song? Doug? No.

Strange Fruit is. Tell them the background to the Billie Holiday story, Strange Fruit. Well, Billie Holiday, you know, she grew up as a teenage prostitute and terrible, terrible childhood. And Strange Fruit was a poem she sang about strange fruit grow on southern trees. And it's about black people hanging from trees. And it's pretty much the most powerful song ever written. And the FBI went after all the artists in the U.S. that were doing it because they didn't want anyone to do it. And she, Billie Holiday, did it at every show on TV.

She would not play without playing it and that's why she's dead and it goes over exactly why she's dead and how the FBI pretty much killed her for singing that song wow that's a fucking horrible story it's all true this book is very well researched

I've realized hang on fat mike i've realized we have not plugged the name of the book which is please do please do the hepatitis bathtub and other stories yeah's actually a hepatitis bathtub. That's one of the coolest stories, right? I read, I'm trying to remember the most influential books, because with my lifestyle, comics don't really do this anymore. So, yeah, I ready schumer's book yeah yeah but there's no fucking oh and then i got all fucked up and did this and shit my pants there's none of that in comics anymore and i i well sarah silverman's is pretty she gets pretty dirty that was fun book dirty but lifestyle i'm

talking about lifestyle because we have similar lifestyles. Yeah, there's not a lot of people doing that. Hedberg's dead, and he was even, he was a junkie, but he wasn't, like, fucked up. Like, he was a, he died from it. Well, it's like, I really, like, my best comedy I run into is when I see an opportunity in just everyday life, I have to take it. You have to make fun of people. And those are the things, and I'm going to tell you a story because it just happened two weeks ago. Yay.

This homeless woman didn't let me pass. She was about 30 on Market Street in San Francisco. And she was like standing in front of me. I'm trying to walk. And she just kicked me in the shin. Right? Like, what would most people do if a homeless woman kicked you in the shin you'd get mad or walk away anyway I kicked her back in the shin and then she kicked me back and then I kicked her back and I go lady I can do this all day and she kicked me again and I kicked her back and then she tried to touch me with her hand and I'm like, lady, don't touch me.

This is a street kick fight. There are rules here. Yeah, yeah. I don't know if there are, but I was fine with the shin kicking and then she kicked me again. I go, lady, what do you need to stop kicking me? What do I got to do?

She said, give me 10 bucks. So I gave her 20. And then my wife, she says to my wife, I need $10 more. What? I mean, jeez, the balls. But in real life,

you have to go with it. Well, you're into that. To bring it back to the BDSM, you're into that. I'm not saying you get a boner out of getting kicked in the shin by a fucking homeless woman, but I'm saying... No, yeah, not that into shin

kicking. You gotta buy the shin bone polish and... I'm into that in porn, but not in real life. Because in real life, it hurts, but the shit you're into, yeah, i jerk off to that on porn hub or you porn we have no sponsorship with any of them but uh yeah i was probably

jerked off to my wife is she does she work for kink.com she has quite a few times yeah maybe i know we made a we made a video uh our first video together, and it won three Avian Awards. I got to send you one. Oh, you know what? It's called Rubber Bordello. I don't want to see you in it. I'm not in it. I have a cameo, and I'm a judge with a limp.

I'm in it for like 10 seconds. As long as you're limp. It's a cool thing. I mean, it's like 10 seconds. As long as you're limp. It's cool. All right. We'll make this part two happen.

For sure. Absolutely. Absolutely inspiring. I can't recommend the book enough. I remember reading Keith Richards. I read The Dirt as we've gone over. I read The Dirt. Then there was some ghost story.

I'm going, this is bullshit. When you read Motley Crue, The Dirt, and he goes, and then I drank a fifth of Jack Daniels, and I was doing all this, and I backed up two steps, and I looked her in the face. How would you fucking remember how many steps you took? Just reeks of bullshit. And having written the first book, I know sometimes you have to, you can't just go, I don't really remember all the time.

But the ghost story, I'm like, like you fucking you're just milking yourselves keith richards made me feel like such a douchebag for not doing more with my life and you'll back me up on this because you still do a bit of drugs when you when you do yes yeah when you when you do drugs you're more likely to remember specifics mostly i'm just a drunk so i forget a lot do you find that to be the same yeah absolutely uh especially i usually take some valium before i go on stage not because i'm nervous just because it makes me more fucked up. And when I take Valium, I don't remember stuff. Eric used to take Rohibonol. He used to take Rufus before they were

Rufus. And he wouldn't remember anything. Just wake up in weird places. He loved it. You take it, you don't remember anything. So, I mean, did you really have fun? If you can't remember anything that happened, is it fun? It's not fun. No. You have to have a memory.

I count on other people to remind me, which has happened. I remembered everything because I didn't do drugs until my 30s. So I remember all the old stuff when the other guys were all wasted. I remember old stuff because it was new. I remember old stuff because it was new. And now when we get to our age and you're just playing the same venues and there's nothing surprising anymore. You go, oh, did I do that? Did I take my Xanax before?

You take Valium on stage. I take them to go to bed. But I don't go to bed for two hours and then my friends tell me what those last two hours were like. It happened today. You know, I hear that a lot. Have you ever tried, people always do that,

they take Xanax or something to go to sleep. Have you tried sleeping pills? Yeah. You sell them at the drugstore and that's what I take. I take a sleeping pill. It's actually in my book. I actually put that in my new book is people forget Somonex works great,

and you don't have to find a guy. Just get it at the fucking grocery store. You don't have to die. No, I'm saying you don't have to find a guy, and you don't have to die. Oh, I thought you said you don't have to find a guy and you don't have to die i said you don't have to die yeah yeah but dollar general dollar general sells over like like dollar dollar store sleepers that were great as well as xanax it's over the counter it stays in your system a little bit longer than you like you have to to snort them, but it works. Oh, wait. I thought there was a positive. Well, yeah.

No, it works faster. You go to sleep faster. I wouldn't suggest snorting antibiotics, though. That's not good. Have you tried that? No. You need to clear that shit up fast. No. Why would I do that?

What are your drugs of choice? I would assume if a BDSM lifestyle, it would be ecstasy because everything seems like a great idea then. Yeah, that is the best drug, but you just can't do it very often.

I like booze and coke like normal people. That seems to be a good combination. That doesn't kill you. I'm a social cocaine user, and I've always prided myself on the fact that, yeah, I can do a half a fucking rail, a bump, and I'm fine.

I don't need more. I'm not out trying to score more. Where's the guy? Well, me neither, because I keep it, you know, I keep large quantities. No, I'm kidding. But do you do large quantities is the question.

But yeah, and when I come back from a tour, I just get sober for ten days or two weeks. Because, you know, got to hang out with the kids. And being sober is super fun. It's just doing it all the time. I don't understand that at all. It's really nice for two weeks.

When I have sober moments where I go, you know, like I had to drive home from a gig so I couldn't drink. And I go, wow, it's so fantastic to wake up without regret or shame, misplaced shame. You just assume you did something embarrassing. And you just wake up and you feel good. And I don't begrudge sober people for doing that. I just wouldn't want to do it all the time. But our jobs, comedians and being a punk band, we're encouraged to party. It's hard not to.

And we can't get fired. We only have to work for an hour and a half or an hour. I work an hour and a half, five days a week. You know, only two months a year. We definitely have to do part two in person. Why would you, why would I, how could you not? I did a sober tour last year. I did 90 days sober. And it was fine. But

it's so much more fun when you're on the same level as your audience, you know? Well, with you, it's probably different because it's punk rock. With me, I've always found you have to be just as drunk or a little bit less than the audience. If you go out a little more drunk, then they go, oh, he's all fucked up. Well, you're going to be here in a minute. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. And that's why, you know, I did, my band had an intervention with me once because I stopped eating dinner and I was just drinking martinis

and taking a Valium. And people were, you know, I fell off the stage, and I was annoying a lot of people. So it was the best intervention ever. They're like, could you eat dinner and maybe mix some club soda in with your vodka? And I took five milligrams of Valium instead of ten, and it worked. And that's been my... It's been working for 10 years now. It's weird how you develop a system of how much you can drink,

how much you should drink, how much you should eat to get to that perfect place. It's never quite perfect, but you learn over a course of years. I get comics that say, hey, I'm starting out in comedy. Can you give me advice? And I go, no. No, I can't.

It took me 30 years to develop my own personal. What advice do you have for uh up and coming punk rockers yeah well that's the thing is uh well i i give good advice to say only do it if you love it because if you do it to make a living at it it's it doesn't work out you know and that's that's why being in no effects is really cool because you know there's no chance in 83 to make money playing punk it was no one had ever done it and so we did it you know eight years and no one liked us we did it because we loved it there's that's one of the best i'm interrupting you but that's one of the things i loved so much about your book is you were so open and honest about how much you sucked for so long.

We didn't fucking have any idea what we were doing. Yeah, we were terrible. We were terrible. I mean, we were not as popular as Dane Cook, but we were like the Dane Cook of comedy as far as being not funny.

You know, we could not play good songs. also in the book i i was never jealous of dane cook i'm gonna well i'm gonna call you tomorrow and take make you take that out of this interview no no no that's in my new book is i was only ever resentful of dane cook when they called him a rock and roll comedian because i could never live up to the you know sam kinnison's and those guys but he was the most bubble gum pop of comics he just sold a lot of tickets and they'd call him rock and roll. I'd go, this guy doesn't even fucking drink. I'm out here fucking banging fucking hookers

where I can't get it up. I'd get three hookers in a night because I blamed them. Get three? Three and no boner. That seems like you'd go down to one. I'd just go, the next one will be better. It's not the coke dick it's yeah no i'll get

another hooker and then they just now one of them's gonna be and dane cook is a fucking teetotaler and getting called rock and roll like i if anyone i get that fucking title out of a weak field well you got to feel the same way when they tell you to like blink 182 right i mean that's what they said blink 182 has no effects and i think you said in the book that you don't like that comparison is it still holding up oh sorry uh uh fat mike this is uh nigel he hasn't spoken up he's a la times reporter but he's a fan and he wanted to ask you a question. Well, Matt Skiba joined Blink, and he's like my best friend. So I got to back him.

But yeah, they kind of took our sound a little bit, but not really. It's just somebody had to because we weren't going to go to radio or sign a major label. And I don't have anything against them. I mean, they're good dudes too. Mark and Travis, they're all really good dudes.

Do you find yourself losing bitterness that you had when you were 25 or 30? And broke. Where you go, that doesn't fucking matter anymore. Well, I was really bitter for like four months when the offspring got big because they were on our label and they were selling six million records and we were selling 100,000. And I'm like, man, what do we got to do?

But then I realized, wait, wait, we're happy. We have a great career. People love our band. We don't work. Oh, shit, we made it. Who cares what other bands are doing?

Exactly. That's just... Exactly. You know, and so we stayed independent, put out our own records, and have been

stoked for, you know, 25 years. No bosses, don't have to do meet and greets, don't have to do radio,

podcast. Except for this. I think it's my first. But I didn't have to do it. No one told me to do it. No, actually,

Chris Johnson, I have to say thank you to Chris as a promoter whose book, Doug in Santa Cruz, is the one who linked us up with Kent, your road manager. And I say thank you for that because we saw you on Twitter, and I'm like, there's no fucking way this is Fat Mike because his Twitter is not verified, and everyone else. I will not verify myself. Well, okay. I get it now.

Hang on. Hang on. Just for the record, do you know who got me verified on Twitter? Dane Cook. No shit. When I first got on Twitter, he tweeted me and said, hey, if you want to get verified, I don't know what that means. So, yeah, I have no beefs anymore. There's a guy, the only person that has blatantly stolen a bit from me

and got famous because of it, I just let it go. I put it out. I just let it go. I put it out. He stole it years after it was on a DVD, and he kept doing it. And if you're happy with yourself doing that, I don't give a fuck.

I wasn't doing the bit anymore. Was that Carlos? Was that Carlos? No, no, no, no. He's a good dude, and he didn't even need to steal. He's a funny dude. Well, but sometimes he brings his kids into a comedy club. Shush.

It's not fair. It's not fair to the kid. It doesn't matter. He's a fucking, he's a funny dude. Yeah, I totally do that. You have to let stuff go. You know, you win some, you lose some, and you can't let stuff. Because losing is a really good strategy so much of the time and it gives you an advantage

it's just poison it is you know getting back at someone is poison we're gonna ask you a question can we close out this podcast on one of your songs that won't get pulled down don't get uh like that you own yeah like your fucking record company isn't going to go, oh, that's fucking... The record company is his. All right, well, that's what I'm asking. I don't know. Let me call myself. Yeah, play the first song on our new album, maybe.

I don't know. Any song. Oxymoronic? Oxymoronic? Oxymoronic, yeah. You know, Funny or Die did the video for us for free. It's so awesome. It's a good video. We'll put a link on the show notes

for this one. Man, I got to tell you, growing up in Orange County, punk rock, fucking love it, dude. The book was fantastic, and your whole attitude, when Doug said he loved the book, I'm like, wow, this is,

you guys are like twins or something. It's creepy. Well, we're doing part two. We are definitely doing part two. We'll bring you down here. Bird Cloud, I don't know if you know Bird Cloud. They wanted to play down here. We built a festival around them.

We'll do the same thing for you. We'll fill the fucking yard. We also have May 20th. We've got an event that we're going to announce. Will you announce on the show? That's a plug for later. Anytime. We can do this.

Any fucking time. I'll have my people call your person. I'm in the room. I'm in the room. My people call you a person. No, but for sure, let's do something. I really would like to see a weird part of Arizona. I've always wanted to.

You'll fall in fucking love. It sounds fun. They call it a mini San Francisco. It's all built up in the hills. Wait a minute. You do live in San Francisco? Where do you live? It's a mini wherever the hills. Wait, wait, wait. You do live in San Francisco? Where do you live? It's a mini wherever you live.

No, no. If you Google image search Bisbee, Arizona, you'll immediately get a feel for what the fuck is going on. I do want to say the book, The Hepatitis Bathtub and Other Stories is also available in Audible with our friends from Audible

and on Kindle. You can get an e-book. Hang on. Fat Mike, did you guys read each other's, your own parts? Did you do the... We did read it ourselves, but we also got Tommy Chong to read Dave's part.

And Joe LaBaffa to read Steve's part. Fucking awesome. So good. He did Dave's part and he starts it off with, Dave's not here, man. You should get Fat Mike to read part of your next book, Doug. I would love it. Yeah. We can record it any time.

I'll read a sentence. No problem. I get paid by word. That's still there, right? Sir, it was an absolute honor to have you on, and thanks for putting the book out, and we will do part two soon. Yeah, thanks a lot for having me. It was super fun, and I've got to hang out with more comedians because punk rockers are dumb, and you guys are smart, so I'm down. Thanks for having me, you guys.

Absolutely. I'm super stoked, and I feel very honored to be on the show. I will see you guys. Absolutely. I'm super stoked and I feel very honored to be on the show. I will see you soon somewhere soon. We actually will.

We'll talk later. Talk to you soon. That was fucking great. That was fantastic.

Hey, this is Fat Mike from NoFX and I got to be in Doug Stanhope's 200th podcast and it was fun and they're going to play a NoFX song and I got to be in Doug Stanhope's 200th podcast. And it was fun.

And they're going to play a NoFX song right now. It's called Oxymoronic, and it's not one of the better songs in our new album. You're a fucking genius. I love you, sir. I can't wait to meet you in person. Yeah, me too. Thanks, you guys. I've been called an oxymoron Because I question which drugs are wars on Why are there more drug stores

Than liquor stores you can score on? The healers have become the harmers They're just pharmaceutical farmers What we used to call dealers We now call doctors I might be a city cynic We used to call dealers, we now call doctors I might be a CDCinic Cause that crack house is now a clinic It's time they change the name of the O2

The hypocritic Or the parasitic It is an Adderalltruistic By overprescribing How can we find them in a suboxone ring? I'll throw a prose accusation with a sub-ketamine-ing They'll say my fears are quite ludicrous, it should be at a vanishing With every Dem or altercation

You'll have a good Sin explanation You're just the alistated Cause we made your dick inflated It's oxymoronic It's oxymoronic It should be doctors getting Busted for their Kalana opinions we trusted

We're not the sinners, they're the ones who served us a vodka dinner I don't wanna be an alarmist But in that armistice there's a harmistess And those skinks are making impassable-minded pacifists It's oxymoronic Don't think that I am being crazy The medical-industrial complex Keeps us by aggravating

and hard to come because of broken sex. How can we high drug condone the blatant misconduct? They don't care about patients. They care about pushing products.

Are you oxymoronic for wanting your daily chronic Are you oxymoronic? For wanting your daily chronic And making your mom's house hydroponic You're oxymoronic I've been called an oxymoron Forgetting my metaphor on Linoleum at the floor on I'm an oxymoron

It's time to be alarmed We're not being healed, we're being harmed Our country's being factory farmed It's oxymoronic It's time to sound the alarma We can't put our faith in karma We got our common enemy And they're called big pharma. And it's oxymoronic.

And it's oxymoronic. It's oxymoronic. It's oxymoronic. Daily Chronic. Now most of your house is... Okay. Most of your house? What does that even mean?

He's turned most of his house into hydroponic. Why wouldn't he have turned all of it into hydroponic? Well, because he lives there. Now all of your house is hydroponic. Most is sappy. Really? It's like saying maybe. How about now your mom's house is hydroponic?

Yes! That's fucking way better. You fucking woke up. Come on, Mike. Where you been? Where you been all month? Doug, thank you for the 200 episodes of the fantastic podcast. Thank you for your years of stand-up comedy.

It's gotten me through a lot of years in my life. Come to my shitty town and play a show. I'll drink with you, I guess. That'd be cool. Hey, Doug. It's Trippy Trap. I'm responsible for the chicken coop. Thanks for all the podcasts, all the

free entertainment. I can't thank you enough. Thanks, man. B-A-B-E-B-I-B-I-B-O-B-I-B-O-B-U-B-I-B-O-B-O. Oh, thank you, Adderall. Hey, speaking of Adderall, I wanted to send a shout out to both of my cousins who informed me that they listened to the podcast. Hey, my cousin Ryan and my cousin Ricky that I don't ever talk to. So thanks for fucking listening to the podcast. It, my cousin Ryan and my cousin Ricky that I don't ever talk to, so thanks for fucking

listening to the podcast. It's like we're family. That's the only family I have anymore is, hey, if you want to talk to me, listen to the podcast. Everyone put their headphones on. Are we talking to someone?

No, no. Chaley's overproducing right now. He's drunk. No, I know what's happening. But we have to placate him. I can't hear anything. I actually know what's happening. He's the guy that does the work, so we have to placate him. It's our 200th episode with the Doug Stenhold Podcast.

Who's on the line? Hello? Caller? Jesus Christ. Hello, caller? It's Chrysler. I know it's Chrysler. No, no, Hello, caller. It's Chrysler. I know it's Chrysler. No, no, no, no.

If there's really a guy on the line. There really is. You there? I had this problem last night. God damn it. It's Jamie Kilstein. So much for that was smooth. Mr. Kilstein, just hold on.

We'll figure this out in a minute. Do you have any comments on deleting your Twitter account? Tweet me. Tweet me and ask me. We're going to go back to this. Well, let's do it. So this was all a bullshit ruse with Tom has to do something. No.

No, it would have been good. It just didn't work. All right. Hang on. Hang on. Hang on. Let's just do the Tom beat. All you were supposed to do is just introduce Tom, and Tom already did the beat earlier.

Am I the only one listening to Shannon? He's the fucking guy that's trying to make up stuff we need to keep going. I'm not the only one listening to you. I got Matt Becker on the line from Costa Rica. I just wanted him to say happy 200th episode. No, I got that. Drop anytime. I got that.

All he wanted you to do was just go, we got Tom Ganoff with a blue apron to introduce what he already talked about earlier. No, we were trying to feather it into the thing you guys did. Let's try to make it funnier because back then it was with the mayor and we were trying to be polite. Well, that was not fucking funny at all. I know. No, it actually was. But it was cool to have the mayor on we were trying to be polite. Well, that was not fucking funny at all. I know. No, it actually was.

But it was cool to have the mayor on the podcast. I thought it was funny. I still think the mayor is a cool thing. Hey, the mayor came over. Absolutely. Especially this mayor. It's in the book. I love name dropping.

Hang on, hang on. Let's get this over with and then we can talk. No, this is all happening. This is all going in. Let's get this over with and then we can talk. No, this is all happening. This is all going in. Let's just go to Tom. No, this has to go into a bit, the Alex Jones advertisement. So I have to come out of Alex Jones into Tom. What a strange segment.

It's like ass to mouth. I don't want any part of either of them. You have to come out of Alex Jones to go into Tom. You nasty fucks. You're the one who brought this up. All right. I love that you were the one making fun of not using industry terms, and now he used industry terms, and you turned it against him.

The girls laughed first. Yeah. All right, ready? Quit calling me a girl. This is William Blake calling to congratulate the Doug Stanhope Podcast on their 200th episode. Congratulations, everybody out there. Who happened to be? Okay, that fucked up and sucked. But anyway 200th episode. Congratulations. Everybody out there who happened to, okay,

that fucked up and sucked. But anyway, you can edit it. I'm coming right now.