The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #201: Why Doc Mark was King of the Super Bowl Party

Episode Date: March 22, 2017

This episode is sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron) Doug goes over the events that led up to Doc Marc being named the King of the Super Bowl party this year at the FunHouse. Morgan Murphy also helps the Doc's love life get back on track. Kristine Levine and Mat Becker along for the ride. Enjoy. Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at tickets to the May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee. Recorded Feb. 04, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Doc Marc, Morgan Murphy (@Morgan_Murphy), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), Mat Becker (@Houdini357) , & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Podcast Bartender is Ms. Tracey. Podcast Announcer - Chad Shank (@HDFatty) Listen to Morgan Murphy's cd, "Irish Goodbye". Closing song, "Tumbleweed", by Whisky Girl & A Nowhere Man. Available on iTunes. LINKS: - Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/ - Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/ - Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast is brought to you by Blue Apron. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers all the ingredients right to your door. You can get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Doc Mark, you're in the green chair. Who does my hair? Pull the green chair up for him so we don't have to do the whole lever thing. There you go.

Thanks, Mike. You're such a light sucker right there. Oh, yeah. Sound check. Sound check. Sound check. All right. You're going to project.

Not really. Pretend your home team won you would go yay great I'm not a robot I'm not a robot we good a brief history

of Doc Mark. Fuck, this is all in the book, so I don't want to do all of this. It's okay. Nobody reads your books. I needed surgery. I put out on my website, I need surgery. I'll trade out to a surgeon as a joke for a free t-shirt and a dvd turns out not all of my fans are fucking knock need misfits t-shirts black haired fucking angry young men yeah well yeah so we meet dr suzy and dr mark at the time a couple

a bit estranged at this point anyway long story short doc mark is the reason bingo is not still in a fucking brain rehabilitation place where they would have milked her fucking medicare forever and told her he was there when the helicopter landed he was there till the end he's the reason she got out early he's the reason that some fucking resident that went, oh, here's my report. Hey, student. No, you're fucking wrong. And yeah, he was absolutely there every step of the moment because he is a friend of ours. That bingo went from where she was to where she is otherwise it would have been

fucked up so this super bowl is the doc mark super bowl presented by doc mark starring doc mark Doc Marks. And yeah, we had that. The first thing we had to do when you got me this surgery, I don't know if I should name her in the book. I don't know if she wants to be known for giving me that surgery I was asking for. She'd be proud. Well, and I did describe her as ropey, and then I went into a lot of Asian and anti-women insults.

Fuck, I forget where I was. Now I'm back in, I'm trying to write a book once you think about insulting women it just all goes away anyway uh back oh yeah when she did that i i i said uh how much would this surgery cost and she said i don't know like how don't you know you're a doctor i know what i earn as a comedian how much would a hour set be well i would know but she said i don't know and that's when the beginning of how i became confused about the medical system because there's so many people involved you were the anesthesiologist doc mark and she was a surgeon and then there's a place you do the surgery and they're grifting insurance and no one knows what they let me get this straight so in other words if you knew

somebody in billing you wouldn't need any of these people no, this is where it gets worse. We're not going to get into it, but I had to have a second hernia surgery done where I go, I trust kids, but I'm not going to try to belk her for another. I never even gave him the free fucking T-shirt and the CD. I go, I just want to pay cash. I don't know how to do it, but I trust you now,

and you're a really hot, ropey Asian girl. And I tried to pay cash, and they didn't know how to do it. Like, what? Well, what's your insurance? I don't have insurance.'m just gonna give you money and then they had to go get a fucking manager he wants to pay money do we take money no and it was really it was so fucking kafka-esque. Anyway, back to the point.

When the first time I get the free surgery, thanks to you and your at-the-time wife, yeah, you hooked me up with hernia surgery, and I didn't know how to pay them back when she goes, I don't know what it costs, probably between $8,000 and $16,000. That's like 100% difference in an estimate. So you can't just give her a fucking Red Lobster gift card as a thank you. So we did a benefit show,

and I let you guys pick the benefit, and you all hate human beings as much as I do, so you picked animals, the Humane Society, and we did a big show. Yeah, that was awesome, by the way. It was awesome. And we raised almost $18,000 for animals. So almost a full surgery.

And almost the exact amount of time i have to work that the fucking surgeon has to work is like a 45 minute surgery i did probably 50 minutes so fuck you yeah i know how to do it you know how to do it so this time when doc mark saves bingo's life basically yeah now i already know you and we don't really give a fuck about animals either how do i thank him so yeah this is the doc mark super bowl party sponsored by doc Mark. Starring Doc Mark. I think this is a longer-winded way of saying you're not getting the T-shirt and the CD. All I want is a T-shirt and a TV. Hey, we're out of CDs. What are you, a medium-large?

He's the size Bingo used to be. Sorry, Bingo's on a kick. I can't go out on a pad. Well, Doc Mark. Doc Mark! We missed, I missed the first couple days of bingo. You were there when the helicopter landed.

I was here at this bar drunk going, yeah, she fucking, yeah, another fucking seizure. She should know better. I didn't think it was a big deal, so I just. She should know better. I didn't think it was a big deal, so I just stayed here getting hammered. You were a little kinder than that. Later. No, actually, the first time you called,

you're like, I don't know if she's going to live. You were worried. Yeah. You were really worried. Oh, I was drunk and worried, as I don't remember being worried. I remember going, she's got to go get stitches and I'm not going to watch.

But it was her 40th birthday party and all of her friends and family from her entire past were here. What am I going to do? Sit there and hang around and talk to them? I was so excited that it was for one time not my party. I just sat here and I was getting drunk.

It's like Super Bowl if she cared about football. Yeah, she split her head open. It's happened before. She split her fucking... I could point to you you not you but like every chick that we know oh remember we were just having conversations oh when jj poked her eye out and she had a thing and you had a scab and you had a fucking black guy. Yeah, they fall down. They're really bad at drinking.

They get black eyes and gashes and stitches. Sometimes they run into a door. So I had no idea it was that bad. So I went right back to the bar and drank. And then they go, oh, we're lifelighting her. And you, of all people you weren't involved in cutting her vagina off or were you no no but she did rehab at your house hey separate incident yeah she hit her head i got nothing to do with that it looked like teeth marks it was it was not it was not there but she did rehab at your house she did i'm saying we have a history yeah with uh mark and suzy they've fucking hooked us

up on so many levels you'll read about it in my upcoming book if i had anything other than a working title i'd be plugging it but I don't know what the title is. Yeah. So he was there. I'm here drunk. They lifelike bingo. You're at the hospital. B****, MC.

I'll just say b****. Without libeling I'll just say it sarcastically I'm C so you're standing there the fucking helicopter lands Susie was there too Susie and her family got in there by then

Susie as well she was already there I don't remember calling we talked like twice we talked in front twice you were really worried about her and she was really sick she's really fucked up

I told you he won't project you tell me tell him when to fuck but uh I this was coming in Morgan Murphy is here You tell me. Tell them when to fuck you. Just... But, uh... I... This was coming in.

Morgan Murphy is here. By the way, Chaley's here. Brett Erickson's here. Matt Becker's here. Doc Mark, of course. And Morgan Murphy is here. I don't remember much of shit

till... This was Sunday november 7th the night of the 6th in the morning of the 7th well no tuesday was the 9th that was oh election day was 8th all right so yeah i kind of blow this whole thing off until i go i'm not canceling a date for a girl in a coma is how it turned out so morgan and i do the end of the world podcast that we did and uh in the meantime oh oh it's pretty grim she might be a vegetable um i mean her head was her brain was really swollen she was really sick it was they were talking about cutting her head open she um she needed to be intubated

she was intubated i've found out to mean they jam a tube down your throat so you can breathe that may or may not fuck up your vocal cords and that'll come up in a lawsuit with the fucking people that make our dog like this now so you're sitting there

the fucking helicopters coming down no make this inappropriate that's your job down there losers bro isn't it nice to know though Doug isn't it nice to know that even the shit you can't remember is like

like that you were kind and worried and did all the right the stuff you can't remember it's not like bad do you know how drunk you were last night? You were kind and polite. You had feelings. You were conscientious, faggot.

This is the best thing you can be reminded of if you're like, I was so wasted what happened last night. And you're like, oh, you were so worried about the welfare of others. But no, that's the thing. It's the truth. It's the truth. Doc Mark was that guy where when I first, it took me three days to even get there because I'm not going to cancel a gig.

I had that kind of thing. They just kind of, oh, I never cancel gigs. I'm going to go to the end of the world podcast. I think that's called shock. That's called, I don't think you are. I have very few memories other than shock, which I like to pass off as bravado. which I like to pass off as bravado.

But Doc Mark was there from the minute she landed with Susie. Your ex-wife loved you both. Sorry you can't be here together because it is a party. She had family that came this weekend. I asked her to come. Did you? Oh, you did? Yeah.

Oh, so you guys are talking? I don't even know anything. I was there the night and ten minutes ago. Here's my biggest worry. I was going to bring my friend and I think you'd like her. No, we're very close. We're not that close. Oh, okay.

She's really cute. She's got a dog. She owns a house. I'll talk to you about her later. Dogs are good. Yeah. I have to figure out how to also reciprocate to Susie, but

she doesn't get back to me and you do. So fuck her. So from the minute that Bingo landed while I'm still drunk at this bar, life flighted out of here. He was waiting at the helicopter.

Again, yes, I talked to you. I don't know how that happened. But the entire time we're doing the End of the World podcast, he's there. It's a explain UMC. It's residence. There's student. Like, I'm going to. I'll give it a stab. Explain UMC It's residents They're students I'll give it a stab It is right next to the campus In Tucson

It's part of it It's a teaching hospital They're teaching attendings like me It's open mic It's worse than open mic's worse than open mic. It's much worse than open mic. Open mic, there's nobody to stop them, right? You don't still do the thing with the hook anymore, right?

That's what we have to do. We have to intervene and stop that shit. You ain't going gonna do that I have no idea how the hierarchy structure works of the hospital but I know first of all fuck I'm gonna tear up

she got like if you're Hilton Honors you get the suite. She got the fucking room right beside the nurse's station. And her mother said, I think he told the people that it was his family. Like you get a buddy pass if you're a fucking...

Is that true? Yeah, I said you were family. Yeah. Oh, you have to meet Robin. This is very exciting for me. She's adorable and she's so funny. You like funny girls?

I love funny. Okay, I'm going to tell her to fly out tonight. Hold on a second. I'm going to see if she can get here later. So many notes, and I remember throwing that one away where I was, I think the fucking buddy passed. Yeah, you did that. Yeah, you were family.

Fucking when I tear up, you carry this. Come on. They're just looking at you tear up it's like when you see someone vomit it makes you want to vomit I mean I'm trying it's one of those things just relax we're gonna get through this

and this is when she's still in a coma so I get there and I I can't deal with... After doing very well at that show, by the way. That's when you got... You did a great job at the end. Bill Berg carried the fucking show. And Joe Rogan.

And Joe Rogan was called... But you know what that show needed? A fresh trauma. And that's what you brought to the table. It needed two less people, and we won't mention it. I don't know who they were. Like an analogy for America. We needed that show like Bingo needed her head examined.

Well put, Matt. Well done. I still, like, Trump didn't even register until a month later, B bingo still in the hospital i'm a champion and i i that was stolen from me i think we talked about this last night we did three podcasts anyway i get back to the hospital i i don't cancel gigs well you know what oh fuck she could be a vegetable this might be like that serious

I fly back I cancel my tour I fly back and I go I'm not gonna sit and just watch her did we talk about this last night I'm so afraid I don't think it was last night but on 193 that went out a couple days ago we talked about end of the world podcast and how you think it was last night but on 193 that went out a couple days ago, we talked about

End of the World podcast and how you felt. It was kind of you didn't get the actual satisfaction of being able to react to Trump and everything because you were running backstage. The fact that when I got to the hospital all our friends and family are there and I don't want to talk over

a fucking coma patient to people. That was why i was so excited is not my party i do super bowl you have your party i can just sit but now we had to sit and i have to talk to the same people bingo doesn't want to talk to at super bowl that's why she's hiding right yeah i don't want to talk to your friends neighbors. That's why she's hiding. Right. Yeah. I don't want to talk to your friends, neighbors, other,

I don't know these people and we're all staring at a half corpse. I go, so how, are you on the road a lot? No. I'm fucking trying to cry

with my wife alone where she won't even see me which is you oh is this your wife i don't know did you remind bingo when she got out of the coma of how many conversations she avoided while she was in she's uh yeah she's really happy about all the things she doesn't remember and as an alcoholic you have similar stories i have similar things i'm happy to not remember but there was a i'm trying to think of the first there was i i shouldn't yeah fuck, I'm bringing it up on the air. There was one time where I finally went down just to be with Bingo.

She came out of the coma and all the friends and family had left because I had told them, listen, I can't be in the hospital situation like that and just look at her in a coma and try to pretend to be polite to other people. I'm going to be at the hotel down the block. I'll figure out Airbnbs. I'll get your flights. I'll do this. I can do way better than sit there. And then finally, most of the people left,

where I could actually be mostly alone with bingo. I want to ask, how much time in between? Because you were there on the Thursday. So that would be the 10th, okay? Because we all came back from L.A. And how long was it that she was not responding? How many days? Six we all came back from LA. How long was it that she was not responding? How many days? Six days. It was six days. I was just getting

a timeline. It was a Saturday where we all celebrated and we've already I'm sure talked about this on a podcast back then. Then the tracheotomy stuff and all that came up. Her mom was telling anyone in the hotel from guests to the front desk to people in the elevator she woke up i gotta pee that's her first

words after six days in a coma she just sprung up and said i gotta pee and everyone went bad shit and we're fucking celebrating at the aloft hotel and hugging each other and our mom the drink special they that they're a list of drinks they're good signature drinks signature drinks yeah and one was the uh wake up call and fortunately it was a girly drink it was a fucking some kind of yeah okay yeah it was a girl drink and mom drank three of the fucking things i was hammered and hugging people that were just there to watch the fucking wildcats game on tv it was great. But where the fuck was I? Go to see Bingo after everyone has mostly left. Doc Mark is keeping an eye on everything. It's not your case.

You made it your case. You were ICU. She signed a release, by the way. She signed a HIPAA release so that I could be involved just keep my ass covered right oh yeah

wait the girl in the coma signed a what it was she took her I don't know what you're talking about I'm I'm just a guy that came in off the street I have no idea what I'm doing

let me just tell you someone probably a hacker after I got my surgery, after I initially met Mark and Susie, I get my umbilical hernia on my belly button, and I get some hacker sent me emails with pictures of it that said, with pictures of it that said in the subject HIPAA violation one

and then two with different pictures of me I don't know who hacked your account but yeah HIPAA violation look it up or don't listener I just want to say that I texted my friend that there's a cute doctor here

she should fly out to see and she said, I know this isn't part of your story but it's a little more important she said, where does he live? Bisbee or LA? and I said Tucson, she said perfect distance she lives in LA I just want to let you know that

if anything comes from this it's going to be you're in a relationship did you mention he's a race car driver and looks like he's kind of car driver and looks like every... No, I'll say more. He's kind of between a really hot... Hey, Andrew. Yeah, Doc Mark...

I said cute doctor. That's how I described you. I said cute doctor. He's somewhere between a house doctor, which is Russ Dunn, and a really hot flashy he's still a TV doctor he still does

he drinks he might do other things so he's not George Clooney but he's like Noah Wiley he's I don't know who that is that's a yes the ladies say yes. It's all happening.

I know there was a bigger reason for this podcast and it's very important and it's bingo. That being said, there's a single woman in Los Angeles who has hope for the first time in nine years. I would get her to sign the release first. We could be headed toward another HIPAA violation.

Do you have time off? I think you had to schedule this time off to be here for what? 50 hours. Not even that. He's leaving tomorrow after the game. Do you realize how much this cost him? Anywhere from $8,000 to $17,000? No, no, no.

That's what it bills. It cost me about $5 or $6. That's all. I can't remember where we were. I'll interrupt for a second. Do you have any questions for her? I'm just texting her right now I know this is not what it's about

but it sort of is when can she get here? when can you get here? okay while you do that I will talk about the argument if she says that she can give you a ride out to the party,

say no, I'll get my own ride. Maybe I'll see you out. Ask her if she has Medicare. Sounds crazy, but it works. She's set. She's fine. She can take care of you. If she has Medicare, she'll see him more often.

I'll just say that she's family. Get her in that bed. Well, I'll make sure to she's family get her to that bed well I'll make sure to tell her to quit her job and figure it out no I'm a doctor don't quit your job

fake a coma fake a coma if you spend long enough that's what your sex life will be like anyway by the way what's she do pretend you're asleep

what does she do what does she do she's a comedy writer. She's very funny. So she is unemployed. Funny, cute. That means she would be right behind Dr. Mark's bedside mirror going, you should have said this.

Try it again like this. I need a comedy writer. I have a tag to It's stage four And I think that I could just give it to you If you need it Let her down easy But a little more funny easy

Like this There's six stages of death I just wrote one Please hold She says to come visit LA Alright That's all I need Another doctor She says to come visit LA. Alright. That's all I need, another doctor.

After acceptance, it should be, thank God, Trump's president. You were talking about you were alone with Bingo. No, I was talking about Doc Mark. He's the fucking guy we're celebrating. But you asked where you were at when we were. I finally got out.

Like all the friends and family left. Most of them did actually fly back, but they took their scheduled flights from the party out and then came back. And then I go, oh, I can go see. Bingo. At this point, she's developed the C. diff, which is, it's not a virus it's a no it's a

gastrointestinal it's a bacterial um bacteria infection of colon yeah yeah colon well it's everyone in the press seems to be panicked everyone at the hospital goes yeah it's fucking c diff whatever but they have to put on the gloves and the smock highly contagious right and as every fucking twitter follower pointed out to me the most

common how you fix it remedy I'm trying to get him how you fix it. Remedy? Remedy. Yeah. I'm trying to get him. Fecal transplant is what I'm. Oh, yeah.

Fecal. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is he a doctor? I'm not a shit doctor. I'm not a shit doctor.

He's a trick. Pick a hole. Really? I'm at the other end of the body, all right? That's true. Shit day. Nothing to do with that. The patient just guesses what they need until he agrees. It's a trick. Pick a hole. Really? I'm at the other end of the body, all right? Shit day. Nothing to do with that. The patient just guesses what they need until he agrees. Oh, yeah, that's the one.

Your head's fucked up by a week of shape, but you got shit? I'm ideal. You're on your own. So we're updating this on social media, and I put up the C diff, or her sister does, and then, of course, everyone who looks it up, Oh, FECO, cheap,

trans, play, put, poop, up, and I know my fans mean well, but yeah, I,

I got it more than once. So I show up after C diff, they're arguing over the tracheotomy and I show up after C. diff. They're arguing over the tracheotomy. And I show up and you and your recently ex-wife, who I love you both equally, are having a battle. Actually, you were on each other's side at the time. Either way, I'm like, I'm going to go see my wife. I have to suit up, and I heard I have to have gloves and a smock, and you're fighting with the doctor who's a resident.

Do you remember this? Yeah. Fill me in. Because it got ugly to the point. I feel like it was legal defense. While you answer this, I'm going to take a cute picture of you. I have no recollection of the senator at all. This was about the trach, right?

That one? I think that was it. I don't even remember i knew it was the first time i was just going to see bingo by myself and then i was there for 45 minutes with you and mom and suzy up front and then waiting for a doctor to come back that was going to tell us something. And I'm like, I remember giving Bazell, Dr. Mark loves to, as anyone in an industry loves to do, tell you their job in terms you will never understand. So he was pulling

up shit on the internet on his phone and here is how vocal cords work but you're talking in all doctor speak. It's like if your lawyer just said, okay, here's the thing with the what's going on with the lawsuit. The party

of the first party hereby within declares as stated in the... I don't know what the fuck you're saying. It's like Shaylee talking to you about the podcast. Yes. It just comes out. I don't know how it does. All right, but you have to admit

that by the end of the time when she was having her trach downsized and fixed, you were... The defenestrated four gauge. See? See? I know where you're going. He knows his shit, right? He knows his shit.

He's listening. He learned it. He learned it all. At this point, I was still trying to not cry in public and drinking as much as I could to not cry in public and just be funny. And at that point, I just found where I can actually see Bingo, and she's actually alert and looking at me in the hallway. And you and Susie are fighting with a doctor,

and you're all fighting, and you're explaining way too much to me. I will never understand. and you're explaining way too much shit to me i will never understand and at some point i just go fuck it and i asked one of the residents where's where i have to put on a smock and gloves because i heard she has this fucking weird bacteria which is another story altogether which i didn't understand I thought it was her immune system that I was getting smocked and gloved for so when I walked out

into the hallway later they're like you can't do that when you're contaminated you're the problem I thought she had the AIDS I have the AIDS who's got the AIDS but yeah you were

fighting and then you're fighting the doctor and then you're fighting each other I don't I can't make a decision I just want to she's got those blank fucking mushroom eyes

have you ever tripped and there's just these dead, flat, black eyes? But she's looking at me and wiggly fingers. I can't explain to her. I can't come in because I'm pretending to listen to Doc and understand what he learned in eight years of fucking college. My GED education, I don't know what he's saying. I can't feel anything with these rubber gloves on. Learn to take the fingers off. Susie.

Susie, yeah. Your wife. Yep. You were in agreement that day. Yes. We were in agreement that day. Yes. We were in agreement most days. That day there was a serious beef going on about bingo and what you should do with a trach or not a trach.

Yeah. And you tried to explain it to me, but I didn't understand. At some point I went, fuck it, I'm just going to go in and cry beside Bingo. But you, being a medical professional, you carried this on and followed through with it to the point where you changed your mind, but Susie didn't, and your recent exes, which makes everything a problem. recent exes, which makes everything a problem.

Yeah. Yeah, that wasn't one of our best nights. Yeah. Yeah, it boiled down to whether whether Bingo was going to get tricked first or she was going to be extubated

and see if she needed a trick. She ended up getting straight-up trached, which was the safe way to go. And this was because she was having problems breathing, right? There were problems with her vocal cord function, so they weren't opening properly. And your cords can be bad because they don't open and bad because they don't close. If they don't close, then you can aspirate

and stuff just goes down your windpipe. But if they don't open, you can't talk and you can't breathe, which oftentimes is worse than aspirating. I'm a doctor. I understand that. See, I don't always talk in doctor shit that's pretty clear so breathing

not breathing bad breathing good not breathing bad and that's that's actually what it came down to if you take the tube out and she can't breathe

fuck me we gotta put the tube back in but maybe you can't get the tube back in and the downside to not getting the tube back in is that she boxes suffocates dies yeah did you say fuck me when you were explaining all this to doug

at some point probably okay no no i i kept begging him to talk to me on those terms but it's kind of like as comedians we like to well no that's a tag and then this is a premise no I don't care tell me a joke alright do you want the just tell me the fucking joke yes do you breathe or not breathe that's what it boiled down to

but there were a lot of residents there were a lot of opinions there were a lot of open micers there were a lot of open micers there were a lot of open a lot of opinions yeah and um and if i did not spell this out this is not your fucking job you're working three ers in the same hospital running back and forth and spending your 15th hour to go make sure that some fucking intern open miker didn't fuck up which they often did well you know you didn't do this it was family like i said i was taking care of family right

it's not that not the residents were gonna fuck up man i was just yeah it's family right but he was using everything he knows yeah in the right way to make the best decision it's like you running out after a fucking third show on a friday and going oh you know what i know this show's going to suck. I'm not even booked on it, but I'm going to headline it just because I know I need to make that

show work and it's going to not work otherwise. I'm the king of analogies. Thank you, people. And that's at the beginning. You had this big blowout in the hallway i hate it when mommy and daddy fight with the recently ex-wife who was just over the top And every person in this room has had that experience where, oh, honey, no, fuck you. Listen, we can deal with this a different way. No, bullshit.

And you did calm her down for a moment. And then she's like, I don't believe it. I want evidence you're like you're trying to be Boutros Boutros Ghali

Ghali ah she I mean she she loves bingo too I know she's very passionate

there's not neither one of you was wrong you were both there fighting for her but you're recently divorced too and you are like me most of the time where I will You were both there fighting for her, but you're recently divorced too.

And you are like me most of the time where I will just shy away from confrontation. I'll start it, but it's exacted at me. Read his book. History is written by the winners. Honey, I'm home. What's for dinner? I hope it's not meatloaf again. Meatloaf pshaw. We're having pork chops and garlic piccata with scallion rice and spinach.

Well, what a horror. Who have you been fucking that taught you how to cook? Your best friend, Bob. No, just kidding. It's blueapron.com. No, just kidding. It's BlueApron.com. BlueApron.com? Is that that place that sends food with natural ingredients right to your house with everything it takes to make a fantastic meal that's not meatloaf? It is Blue Apron, and they even send the instructions on how to make it. You can't read an instruction

because you're from 1962, and you're a bleach blonde moron wife that I pound to death every time I can't land a sales call at my workplace. You can really make this? Is it that easy? It's that easy. Even I can make it. You can make it, but you can't get that dog to stop barking during a commercial break. What kind of things can I expect from this blue apron other than you fucking my best friend Bob? Well, they'll send different meals every week and they never repeat a meal so you'll have something different every

night. Something different every night sounds like your sister Evelyn. I hope it's more affordable than that dress you just bought from Tiffany's while I was slaving away at work. That it is. It's less than $10 per person per meal. $10? $10? Ten dollars?

My God, you'd think this is the new millennium instead of 1961, where ten dollars could buy you seven whores that look better than you that I would fuck behind your back while you lay in bed crying. But there's also Blue Apron's freshness guarantee. Every ingredient in the delivery arrives ready to cook and it's fresh. Or they'll make it right. Fresh? I wish they had some kind of vinegar and water

kind of solution that would make you fresh like your sister. Speaking of my sister, there's no weekly commitment so you only get the deliveries when you want them. Speaking of weekly commitment, this is 1961, and I can beat raspberries into your face all day long, and no one will ever question it. But what about this meal? I'm starving just hearing you speak about it with your ugly lady voice. Well, then luckily it will be ready in less than 40 minutes.

The television tube is on. I am going to be distracted for up to 30 minutes. You better hurry up with that, honey. Well, if you like that, then you'll really love that our first three meals are free. My dad told me there's no such thing as a free lunch, much less three. So I'll give you the over-under at two and a half free lunches before I beat you half to death as I drink Canadian club whiskey and rue my own destiny of a life that I've chosen. Well, honey, it's better than spending a lot of money at those restaurants or those high end grocery chains. I go to those fucking restaurants for business purposes.

I have to meet with business people to talk about business. And the day any woman will understand business is the day that Donald Trump will be president. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. You can get your first three meals free

at BlueApron.com slash Stanhope. That's BlueAapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Unless you want her doing it. My friend says you're cute, by the way. I snuck a picture while you were talking, and she says you're her type, and also she said

give him my number why not we're all going to die so I think that's wow she has a lot of faith in your recovery technique oh shit really did she not hear anything

bingo's alive right we don't know that alright let's well that's that's

so far the picture the banner outside is awesome. Gretchen Baer. Yeah, Gretchen Baer. But Robin. Gretchen Baer. Now that the border's secure, she can do other stuff.

On a recent previous podcast, we did ask people, Gretchen Baer, a local artist that had the Hillary car. We said, hey, she's opening this art studio over across the border in Naco. Yeah, the killer termites. When I talked to her, over fourteen1,400 plus packages, art supplies, people sending her shit to do art for fucking kids on the other side of the border. It's fucking fantastic. So, yes, Gretchen Bayer. That's great.

But there you go. Thank you for doing that. It's a kids' art center across the border where she was doing the border bedazzlers. Yeah, she was doing border bedazzlers, and they tore that wall down. She made it look so fucking great, and they tore it down. I know, ironically. They talked about building a wall, and they tore it down. Why are we tearing a wall down?

What time are we at? Typical government. You don't understand. He'll explain it to you. It's called mission i want to ask you because you and suzy have been such great friends and helped us on so many levels how fucked up was it because you had just got out of a contentious divorce but you came together, on Bingo's behalf, but you still had that personal animosity and you tried to fight through it. And I watched it and I didn't know how to help

because I didn't even know how to help Bingo. You know, we're cool. We've been cool. The divorce was cool. We weren't contentious at all um it got contentious in the hospital and i had to look away over the trick for bingo that's it yeah she didn't think she she didn't she wanted her to be extubated first and see if she needed a trick i i was erring on the conservative side that's it it. But otherwise, we're cool.

It was that one specific thing where we were at odds. It was one of those things where they have been so good to us for so many years and so many projects, let's say, that it felt like, do I want to live with mommy or daddy? And Gretchen Baer, that's what I was getting to. Gretchen Bear, the artist that you donated $1,400 to, made a banner that made this Super Bowl party. Doc Mark presents the Doc Mark Super Bowl party starring Doc Mark

that is on top of the funhouse. Forgetting to add that it is a Doc Mark production. We've got to give credit. We do have to give credit where credit is due on the Doc Mark Super Bowl party starring Doc Mark presented by

Doc Mark. Susie has to get an assist. Absolutely has to get an assist. Oh no, you're not on the same team anymore, but she still gets credit. She was here for the Pro Bowl. Fair enough. I still feel like I'm in a place

where I... What if Susie sees the banner on the house, on Facebook and things? We don't recognize her helping the fucking thing. I love you, too. You had a fight. I was just trying to see my wife.

And, yeah, and she came to the brain rehab facility afterwards and she got her uh the breathing equipment and all the the yeah you both made fucking what yeah high sign high sign but but that's the thing is it's just very difficult i mean when you talk think about it it's like in the medical profession how many times you have to make a call that's the thing it's just very difficult I mean when you think about it it's like in the medical profession how many times do you have to make a call that's a 50-50 coin flip and that's what he's not getting well it's a 50-50

so everyone has their opinion we can barely agree on fighting I just did actually lose a thousand dollars he lost a thousand dollars to me on fighting. A UFC fight that I wasn't even watching. No, but everyone else was watching it. This was $1,000.

But the original story that I didn't remember that you told, one time in Costa Rica, shit-faced, we bet $1,000 on a game of Yahtzee. Yeah. Because I kept losing. Yeah, he lost $500. I lost $500. But it was awkward because we were thinking it would be a push, right?

But he just kept losing. And we got to $500. And he goes, double or nothing, one game only. All right. So we awkwardly, at our house in Costa Rica, in the middle of a jungle, we put that up. And Becky's in and out of consciousness coming out watching us, and we're playing,

and he gets down to the last roll he has. I'm up by three points in Yahtzee. I have to get the fucking inside straight. He has to get the large straight. He needs a six and a two. It's his last roll. He slaps the cup on the table table and we both look at each other. We've done this for years.

I went, I know there's a six two under there. He goes, so do I. Becky gets up, half awake, and goes, what are you guys doing?

I go, we just played Yachting for a thousand dollars. Lift that cup. There's a six two. She lifts it. Six two. I go, all right,

we're even. Yeah, I just lost it back. It's a Brazilian chick versus the black dude that does America's Got Talent. Well, that's what she looked like. For such good friends with Joe Rogan, you think he'd give you better tips. Rogan, didn't you say always better than the Brazilian? I say you've got to, at UFC didn't you say always bet on the Brazilian? I say you got a UFC, you got to bet on the Brazilian. They're phenomenal.

That's what I love about boxing and mixed martial arts. You're thinking of the wax. I like one-on-one sports where you can still bet down racial lines. Yeah. Like there's no other sport. Like skiing. You'll do it all the time in boxing. You go to a boxing match and it's like half Mexicans, half Irish guys.

You want to fucking bet black guys in UFC? No, I'm saying you want to bet Brazilian in UFC. When I first started, before I started comedy, I remembered a joke from evening at the improv. You know you got home too late when there's two white guys fighting on ESPN. No, UFC changed the rules. You rarely see black guys. No, it's Brazilians.

It made it multi-cultural. Multi-cultural, yeah. Yeah, black people don't own fucking beating each other up anymore. We saw a couple of Korean guys up there. We saw a couple of like ripped. I lost money on the fucking. Ripped Korean guys. A Korean guy with a fucking blonde mohawk.

Yeah. Everyone can win. Ablation. Ablation. Sorry, black people. It's not all about you anymore world what's what are they yelling those yeah we shouldn't even say it we actually bleep that out that's the only thing i want to bleep out back to doc mark you had to to go through this with your recent ex

that was contentious at the time, but you came together for bingo. Yeah. And then we had to pick mommy and daddy fight, but you were both there. Long story short is, yeah, if it wasn't for you, she went to the fucking Brain Trauma Institute. He's a fucking, I was going to say UFC fighter.

Feels like it sometimes. You do the emergency room. I see you. Yeah. Now she's over there. He's still checking in. What's going on? That's bullshit.

And he's given all the instructions this is a month that we're fucking living in hospitals he's got people with a fucking you know spear through their head coming into emergency rooms and he's like hang on i gotta check on bingo it was an arrow did that for a fucking month and and everything that was wrong he's like no that's wrong hang on talk to my buddy over here get him out of this place get her to that place and she would still be built by medicaid in some place that told her she's not ready to leave if it weren't for fucking Doc Mark. And that's why. How do you say thank you? I was going to say, are you still trying to say thank you?

Yeah. You just clap for him on the podcast. We gave him a banner. Fuck you. You know that ego. Hey, means we have him on the spot. Let's ask him all the questions we want to ask. Like, how often do you go out and have people at, like, parties or restaurants go,

Oh, you're a doctor? Can you ask me about this lump on my back? I've seen it happen seven times tonight. No, I could see it. I would be crazy. I mean, I could just stay on my dick. Does this look infected? I broke my toes three months ago.

I would avoid men's rooms in public like crazy. That would be a funny thing if you could actually get a counter is us as comedians. Oh, you're a comedian? Say something funny versus a doctor like, hey, look at this lesion. It'd be more like if someone said, hey, you're a comedian. Oh, I need to say something funny. What should I say? It's asking more of them.

When you're asking a doctor to help you, you're like, it's selfish. No, you're doing the same thing to comics. You're asking them to be funny. Medicine is kind of static, where funny is in the eye of the beholder. Tell me something funny. You don't say, hey, this lump on my dick, is that cancer? And you go, no, that looks like more of a genital wart.

That's why I only... No, that's not funny. That's why I only tell people on planes that I'm a dick doctor, so that they only ask me questions about things that are wrong with their dick. I think that's where you're making the mistake. See, comedians are approachable.

While doctors, you feel like they're unapproachable. So when you finally corner one at a fucking, say, a Wendy's salad bar, you go, hey, I got another question. My shit looks a lot like your salad. You also, though, never get, like, you never get, when people say they're a doctor,

and someone ever says, like, oh, like, for a living? Like, that's, like, what, like, comedians, like, you get, like, oh, like, you do that professionally? Hey, how'd you start out? Were you really doctor-y in high school? Oh, like, how much'd you start out? Were you really doctor-y in high school? Oh, like how much are you a doctor? Are you like a professional doctor?

Or are you like, do you like doctor for fun? Or are you a resident? I've probably said this before, but you ever think about when did you turn pro? Are you on the circuit? It's my favorite story,

but again, you had to be there, but I was coming back from Costa Rica, Becker, and I go through Houston customs and the guys made a prank well where'd you go where'd you stay why were you there like all these questions none of your fucking business why is there and I was morning angry drunk right and uh he goes what do you do for a living I go I'm a comedian he goes really like uh like all over the country i go

i'm doug stanhope man as though he should know and he shrunk he goes i'm sorry i don't have tv and i was like imagine what he said if you said you were a doctor I was just let me go and I was like waiting to get through the next set of doors to go to myself I had no friend there to share it with

that's fucking great just the idea hey Morgan I love you but beat it I got a lady to we're going to close this up with the lady. It was a pleasure. We'll talk about my friend later. I'm going to give you. We're just closing out, baby.

Look forward to it. Yeah, we just. Listen, we just went through everything that you went through with Mark that you will never remember. Thank God you won't remember it. So we just want you to say goodnight to the people. It's a Doc Mark party! It's a Doc Mark Super Bowl party for Doc

Mark, sponsored by Doc Mark, starring Doc Mark and a Doc Mark production. With an assist from Suzy. I don't want to be on the spot. I just wanted to say thanks and good night. Just say thanks. Who do you want to play? Just say it into the mic. Say thanks and throw it out to who do we want to play?

Bird Cloud, Molotov Jukebox, Mishka. How about, how about, Bingaman? Sorry. Oh, yeah. How is it? Ween, we can't play Ween.

How about Whiskey Girl? ween we can't play ween how about whiskey girl I don't know we both he whispered something in your ear I went with something else how do we close out this podcast I know I made them wake you up and I shouldn't have done that talk into the mic we need a song to close it out listen bingo's just been woken up out of a sound sleep she's

not fucking retarded at all she's good right now listeners might think you want some whiskey girl in nowhere man i'll go with that okay bingo my fault i told her wake you up i thought it would be a great closer to the doc mark saved your life thing but wow talk about anti-climax. Hey, I want $1,000. Someone's too drunk to come. Hey, don't forget to mention Critical Comedy Wednesday nights

in Tucson at The Mint with Christine Levine. Oh, wait, Christine Levine is here to mention this thing. Christine Levine. Let's close it there. I mean, what a great show that is. Christine Levine. Christine Levine is here to mention this. Christine Levine. Let's close it there. I mean, what a great show that is. Christine Levine.

What a great show that is. Someone actually, I get the fucking things every email. Hey, I want to start doing comedy. What's a good scene? And Tucson is the most ripe scene. They have a fucking University of Arizona there, ranked seventh in basketball, and they have one comedy club that has three shows,

one Friday, two Saturday. That means every six years they're in the playoffs. The point is they should have more comedy. Christine Levine has finally moved here as a fucking hot shot badass comic. Those are dummies.

They do think I'm fancy. It's so stupid. Like you guys. Well, you're Tucson fancy. Where's your show? We're going to close this up. My show is every Wednesday at a place called The Mint on Grant. And it is Wednesdays, 8 o'clock. And it's a workshop open mic i make those fucking comics go up do their bits and their act and i i help them i mean we all help each

other but you help them by telling them to stop doing comedy forever i haven't had to do that once but there is one dude i'm waiting for that i think like he just has to come on my stage. Is he named Doc Mark? As far as I know, Pauly Casillas is the only verified name brand headliner that lives in Tucson. Tell him, send me a tape. Yeah, I'm going to. Send me a tape to make it seem like it's got some kind of gravitas. Oh, wow. Well, I don't just take anybody.

He said big words. That's true. I just, I gotta make it. No, I thesaurus big words because I'm writing a book. I'll forget them in a month. Yeah, I don't getting all that. No, I thesaurus big words because I'm writing a book. I'll forget them in a month. Yeah, I don't take just anybody. I make it. I act like it's a big deal, but it is.

Whatever. The actual kid I emailed back, where should I move to where there's a scene? I go, I haven't been at an open mic in a scene for fucking two decades, but go somewhere warm. Yeah. That way when you're homeless, you'll still survive. Tucson is good because there's no raw and they're not,

and there's no rules there yet. Like nobody's it's like political correctness and stuff like that. Hasn't caught up to them yet. So they don't know. They can't talk shit about women yet. They don't know that they can't say faggot they don't have any rules is that what you're telling them no that's not me that's not coming from me because you can't just live in portland right right that's what it was like in portland like when i was and as a i mean like i know that you know i'm glad that the times have changed and that we're not making people feel bad anymore.

And that, you know what I mean? Like that's, that's changed. You got me. I love all of them. I'm glad that that's kind of turned, but at the same time, I'm keeping the word retard, you guys. I'm not letting it go. That's my, I'm, the word retard you guys i'm not letting it go that's my i'm i'm i did this

bit like 13 years ago and above faggot and then i defended it like eight years later yeah i don't say faggot anymore but we don't say it anymore right yeah we let it go i say it to them but but cuck is a good word though cuck is a good replacement for fag everybody's tired of everyone's did that the idea is that oh it sucks we can't call anyone a fag anymore. Yeah, you can't, but you can call them a cuck, and that's the new word. And it's got the same sort of hard consonants at the end. And it's got that same sort of hitting thing. And it's still strict for masculinity.

I like the way that you bring this subject up to get back to the man we're celebrating Doc Mark what a cuck what a cuck that's awesome he's America's cuck but I like that we've changed that rule but at the same time as a comic don't we defend

I mean you know I look at words as our paint you know what I mean? Use bigger words. We get to do it with any word we want. I love how you close a podcast by starting a podcast. No, I'm not starting a podcast. That's why I'm saying free speech at my mics,

but don't just get on stage and go, nigger, faggot, nigger, I'm a nigger, faggot, you're a nigger, faggot. Because that's Christine's act. That's my job. God damn it, you stepped on my fucking jolt. God damn it. Actually, it's also in my book.

Trump won. Wait, succinctly, name of the place in Tucson. It's right in front of you, Doug. It's at the Mint. It's called Critical Comedy, 8 p.m. on Wednesdays. I'll be there every Wednesday. The Mint of Tucson. Tucson, if you're a young, up-and-coming comic,

yeah, go to Tucson. It is a fertile wasteland. Yeah, that's a perfect way. That's exactly what it is. You go positive or negative. Good night. Greg Chaley, Brett Erickson, Matt Becker, the king

of the party, Dr. Mark! I didn't even in my book when I talk about I tell that story the long version and I don't want to use her real name unless she wants me to because I don't want my

fans going oh she does free surgeries if you put it on the website. So yeah, tell her I would love to use her real name just because I love her ropey-armed

hot Asian. Alright, thank you and Christine Levine and Morgan Murphy. Tracy is a bartender. Thank you, Tracy. Every single person that's here. Good night. Bingo wants you to play

Whiskey Girl and Nowhere Man and cry. Do that one where they fucking dance together in that video. That fucking destroys me. Fucking destroyed. Saddlebacks have long been packed For the trip, trip north Trails narrow to backtrack Go back and forth

Next four seasons rocky Mountain we'll be For a little tumbleweed Bound to a plan not to man Tumbleweed whistles to the wind Sighs at are big and bright Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Wilderness awaits us It's barbed wire gates It's rust and metal on the tongue It's red dirt caves, it's

It's beasts to save, it's Parched lips without the one the one Bound to a plan not to a man Tumbleweed whistles to the wind His eyes at night are big and bright

Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Bound to a plan, not to a man Tumbling whistles to the wind His eyes at night are big and bright Deep in the heart of Tumbleweed Thank you. Love Love Love Love

Love Love Love Love Love Love Love Love

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