The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #202: Doug After 50 pt.01

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

This episode is sponsored by BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron)Doug is back from the California and Reno dates just long enough to open mail and get drunk with Chad Shank, Tom Konopka, Floyd, Neighbor Dave and Chaille. He just tuned 50 and that's a win in his book.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Recorded Mar 29, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Chad Shank (@HDFatty), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), Floyd (@ArizonaLizards) & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bartended by Ms. Tracey.Here is that YouTube clip Doug was referring to with Richard Belzer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2hdS2h4ja0Closing song, "The Only One Drinking Tonight", by Mishka Shubaly. Available at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

This episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast is sponsored by Blue Apron. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers all of the ingredients to create home-cooked meals with simple, easy-to-follow directions. Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. That's not the Dan Aykroyd skull. No, no, that's it.

It's scully, though. That's absinthe. Homemade jobber. Are you kidding me? Oh, shit. It's not green. That's very deceptive. Will you be doing hallucinating?

He said in the letter, yeah, usually it's green. Mine's pink. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself. That's a feature. That's a feature, not a mistake. Yeah, no, that's heavy. Mine's pink. If you don't like it, go fuck yourself. That's a feature. That's a feature, not a mistake. Yeah, no, that's heavy. That's like a pink diamond. He said that he home brews his own absinthe.

Which is, it is. Of course it is. He said this batch came out between 155 and 160 proof. But that whole, we were talking last night, Chaley's here, Chad Shank is here, Tom Konopka's here with the seasonal flu of Bisbee allergies. Cottonwood and mulberry bush.

Oh, fuck. And Floyd and neighbor-neighbor here along with our bartender Tracy and our newest employee. Yes. Denise. Bonita Denise. Denise was the one sending you merch while we were off on holiday, on walkabout. I like it when you guys go places.

I get to stay home for longer stretches. So, yes, I didn't write. Maybe I did write down his name. Yeah, Brad Miller sent us Absinthe, and he said the next batch he sends us, as though this is going to get gone through quickly. It will. I'm not. I'm afraid.

Oh, fuck that. I'm going to get a little bit of that somewhere. All right. Might clear your allergies up. I'll do a shot. Fuck yes. I'm afraid. Yeah. Oh, fuck that. I'm going to live in it somewhere. All right. Yeah. Might clear your allergies up. There you go. I'll do a shot. Oh, fuck yes. I'm not.

Absolutely. I just get a few days to get my shit together and get back out there. Absolutely. Then you'll be absent again. Well, yeah. The whole. Hi, y'all. You go absent instead of bingo this time?

Thank you, Tom. The whole ploy of absinthe is that it has hallucinogenic properties like eating the worm i don't know if that's bullshit but absinthe is bullshit when originally it wasn't but what they've been making it for for the last hundred years is it's when they distill it the distilling process itself actually destroys any hallucinogenic properties in the wormwood. Yeah. And the real reason, here we go. Here's my James Inman. The real reason you're not allowed to get real absent. You want to know the truth?

I'll tell you the truth. That's more of an Alex Jones. Okay. It's all bullshit. It's all bullshit. I just saw a video, clips of him just yelling to metal music. Oh, I saw that. I saw that. Yeah, yeah clip clip anyway uh yeah

the the it was all a ploy to try and get weed made illegal was they they started off with something that not really a lot of people cared about was to try and get that legislation passed and they got everyone hyped up on making sure that absent didn't you know get people to smoke jazz cigarettes and then they go now we're after the jazz cigarettes yeah yeah so that's it's just all bullshit yeah well if you drink 160 proof drink yeah you're gonna go oh this is good magical powers because yeah you just drank three fucking drinks at one and everyone's gone and you woke up yeah, now that is the second highest proof bottle here, which the highest proof is in the mason jar, which is the moonshine that we don't even get near.

Who sent that? I don't remember, and that's probably why it's still here. That's not Bird Cloud's stuff. Might have been Bird Cloud. Oh, remember that. I don't fuck with that. We don't really. I know.

Exactly. I don't need to get drunker quicker. I'm drunker always. Welcome back, Douglas. Thanks. My goodness. Dougie. Welcome back, sir.

You made it. Welcome back. I get a lot of notes. Welcome back. I don't know what I missed while I was gone. Today, there's more and more people every day the more we say no on the podcast it's gonna be a long time before we have visitors today today i think it might have been a local but someone is out here alone just trying to get

my shit together it's more work when you get home from the road the road is just trying to get my shit together it's more work when you get home from the road the road is just trying to get an act together and that's and then all day watching friday night tykes because morgan murphy she brought her laptop so she could come to your room plug her laptop into your tv which i know chaley could do too and then you can watch like netflix when you're trying to work on your act and we watch this series friday night tykes me and morgan murphy and brett erickson just get off the road but this series it's angry texas football highest level of kid football angry boot camp. It's like scared straight of eight and nine-year-olds playing football and their angry parents.

It's like a child abuse documentary. It is. It's fucking Sandusky with a brain instead of the genitals. They're teaching kids. I fucking tweeted one of the coaches because they're on Twitter. That's great when you watch documentaries and you go, I can find you, you fucking cocksucker.

I wish I had his name written down. He was teaching the kids where towards the temple to spear kids helmet to helmet. What? Eight and nine-year-olds to put them out of the game. That'll knock them out and then you get 11 then you get 10 then you get nine then you get eight i'm like you motherfucker and then he starts tweeting me back hey when are you coming to san antonio then he emails me i'm a fan i'd love to have beers when are you playing san antonio again yeah and then tweets again did you see my email i even like no you're a fucking horrible person

like when he does it right on like even the fucking morons in prison on lock up raw no not to talk shit when the cameras are right there like unbelievable anyway uh so uh oh visitors people saying hey i'm coming to bisbee like some are cool if you have time i don't i won't for a while i i get i'm making up time i'm so backed up from all that hospital shit and then the book and then now trying to fucking write a new act and act like it's funny yeah i'm not gonna have to have time to uh hang out in bisbee for a while but the more we say that on the podcast the more people i realize don't listen to the podcasts because today i'm sitting in here trying to get caught up and uh i hear a car pull up it's very loud and i hear stops in front shuts off and then i hear doug stanhope over the fence and i don't go out tom must have been sleeping all day you

slept through fedex today with blue apron dropped off some stuff did you get that absolutely good uh and i just wait but then almost immediately, and drove off. And fans usually lurk outside when they come over, and the dogs bark, and then you hide. You're not the first person doing this, by the way. So I'm assuming. We see what you do through the window, through the cutouts. And yeah, you're not being stealthy.

Yeah. You're being monitored from nine different cameras. Well're not being stealthy. You're being monitored from about nine different cameras. Well, that's the problem. When I'm home, turn off the cameras because one of them is on me. What if I accidentally jerk off

and forget about that? Oops. We have an app that scrubs any pants unzipping. You tuned it to your... I need unzipping. Oh, shit. You know what? I need a sharpie. Here you go.

I told an old story. While Bingo and Chaley Ukulele, which is Chaley, Tracy, and Bingo, she learned a new song today. So they were practicing. So I had me and neighbor Dave and the rest of us outside because she doesn't want to be watched and i told an old story that got a big laugh and i go fuck i i could i could put that in the act that was nice that was when you were there yeah you guys won't know what it is but we listened to it it was probably said it once on a podcast but who gives a fuck now i know

no one listens to the podcast because they show up at the house. You had someone show up while I was gone? Yeah, it was Blake from Baton Rouge. Oh, yeah. It was weird. He sent postcards to everybody and that was really cool. He's from Baton Rouge. It's Blake. No last name. I understand

why. And then about two days later, I get done walking the dogs and I'm coming in the front gate and there's this big container of paint and about 15 used paintbrushes. The roller brush frames, but not without the... And they're all used and there's nothing wrong with that. He said, look, I tried to go down to see Gretchen at the Mariposa studio. They didn't let me through at the border at NACO. But that was just a trip.

We had the postcards. You got yours. You probably saw Chad. But two days later, the guys at the fucking gate from Baton Rouge. That's, thanks, Blake. I don't know what to say. That's pretty cool, I guess. But that's fucking wild, huh?

Yeah, you get some that are cocky where they go well if you don't answer this email I'll probably just show up anyway even if it's just you telling me to fuck off and I was gonna email back no that'll be Tom telling you to fuck off your silence will be interpreted

as an affirmative see you soon I hope remember that one guy he dropped off like Interpreted as an affirmative. Yes. See you soon, I hope. Remember that one guy? He dropped off, like, he cleaned out his dad's storage unit, and he brought over, there's some stuff still in the yard, because I just, like, pushed it to the side, then someone put it on a planter, and then I go, well, if it's going to stay there, let's put it here.

It looks better by the bush. But someone dropped off, like, an actual bronze Remington sculpture. Oh, fuck. That is available at Redbone on Subway Street at Lucy St. John's place. You know what? We talked today about de-hoarding again because I've been staying in the little house since I started writing the book. I've been staying in the little house since I started writing the book it's so close to the fun house

where I can smoke and then I don't have to go all the way back to the quiet house and I'm like if I could just clean this it's 300 square feet it's a fucking motel room it's a great one though but I sit and I take a shit where you can see

all the nonsense that we've had for 12 years here like if i just clean this place up we live in a toy box where we're constant children and we're bored with most of the toys like let's just get rid of this shit yeah we had that 10 years ago i get that well let's get rid of it all and start over at least. So Doug, what you're saying is you're tired of stepping on Lego blocks. Exactly. That's exactly what this place has become.

They're redoing the deck. You out, Floyd? I'm a supplier. Let me say, this is how I make my living. I don't collect shit. But I love supplying. But yeah, a lot of our favorite things are from you the joke phone in the dining room but we never go in there anymore we've got it kind of nice in there because we don't go in there anywhere we go we just leave

detritus is that the right word i say detus, but you could probably say it that way. Chances are I'm wrong. You're getting old. You know, the suppliers, the people I supply are the younger generations all the time. Where do you supply this stuff, Floyd? From dead people. No. Miners and merchants. Don't give away your secrets.

I'm giving you a plug. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Dead people. That's where I get it. And then it comes in minor emergency. But dead people are, I de-hoard. De-hoard people and I re-hoard other people. Floyd's old antique shop that he had in Denver was called Dead People's Things, which I think you should change the name.

Well, you'll be dead soon enough and whoever you. Well, that's the ironic part. Well, yeah, because you'll be dead soon enough and whoever you well that's the ironic part well yeah because yeah you'll be picking my bones enough and i'm just making sure i sell everything of value before then so my kids don't yard sale it for shit some dirtball like me you know oh they say out loud? I'm sorry. Is this on? I did grab some good shit from Reno. Reno has the best antique shops. Like, antique for us.

Where it's like toys from the 70s we used to play with. And SSPs and GI Joes. Remember SSPs? Yeah, zoozzzz! That heavy steel wheel. Well, I remember the Evel Knievel, too. Zzzzz! And with every generation, it changes.

So as an antique dealer, other things don't sell anymore. You've got to stay with it and try to stay somewhat attuned to what the hell's going on. Floyd, we probably didn't bring it up because we had other shit going on, but Floyd had to go back. Floyd, if you don't remember, had

the ass cancer and decided to live and go through the surgery. And now we call him Floyd the bag behind his back. We don't really do that. But he had to go back in for hernia surgery. I've done a couple hernia surgeries but floyd had his entire lower torso everything from ribs to fucking fat upper dick area as i

quote uh brendan walsh you would think if you don't have to push to shit anymore you're not going to get more hernias how did that happen i? I looked a little like a poo. We all know who a poo is. Boom. Okay. But I lost 40 pounds. Quit bragging. That's cheating. Floyd, I told you. I lost 20 pounds on Atkins and 20 pounds

on the feeder tube. I'm not saying... There you go. They're just pushing bacon through your tube it was the atkins feeder tube but anyway i'm down my disco weight you know we just without the chain well they fucked up your surgery you had a botched surgery you had to go back in no one wants to hear this two years ago i years ago. I turned 50, and I won life. Yeah.

I thought, and on that tour, as the tour is leading into the last night, as I turn 50, I go, two more days. I don't know. What's the over-under? What's going wrong? Day and a half? If I hit 50, I beat life.

Based on everything they tell me will kill me, I won. Absolutely. You truly did. Ahead of the game. Yeah. I blew off my appointment for my nut problem, and now it hurts half as much as it did before. Oh, me too.

Thanks for your advice. If you ignore it, mostly it'll go away. There you go. Yeah. Well, I got to say, being here, getting drunk with you guys makes it almost fucking worth it. Neighbor Dave, you can leave that open. It's going to get smoky and hot in here,

and it's starting to get nice. Being able to drink again and hang out for another day is fucking worth it. Tomorrow, who cares? Well, that's why I go the other way. I go, hey, if I die tomorrow, that's one more day without Floyd drunk. Yeah.

Well, thank you. Thank you. Wait, what's the number to the next akin? We should probably have it in case of emergencies. And what's your pant size? We should get some kind of

Floyd life insurance policy and do squares with it like football. Oh, we do it once a month. Rotate it. My pant size is suspenders, okay? Ladies and gentlemen, Phil Devoy You got, Chad, you got your

You got your disability back I did They're gonna have to pay I had to go for a final hearing To get my disability back And they decided that I was indeed a lunatic. My newest wrinkle to my fucking mental repertoire has fucking helped a lot with that. I have developed something now.

Hey, before the reveal, before the prestige. Yes, there it is. This is where I don't want you to do it because it would take too long. I'm doing it. Shaylee could go back to when that horrible woman that you had to sit with that declined your disability a year ago. I'm not doing that. No, no.

It's too long of a story. It's not a sound bite. It bears mentioning that when you went through that and then you were basically in limbo, you've been in limbo for an amount of time. A year. Which now, all of the payments, it's retroactive. Retro, baby.

I'm about to get a fat payday. Yes. I probably won't be driving my golf cart next week. I'm already looking at trucks on Craigslist. You've been out of weed for days and you showed up happy. Well, I've been out of weed since this morning, so not really. But you still showed up happy and it wasn't until... I got a lot of positive stuff going on.

I looked it up. I think it's called hypomania. I thought I was in a good mood, but I think I'm in a... I got a line of credit in jenny's name online which was a fucking bad thing to do that's a business expense sir if you need me to help you out on this i can explain it definitely jacked that all up but uh whenever i do have a business i know that jenny's gonna be in charge of my business because as a minority woman, she probably gets more tax breaks than me. I don't know much about it.

Did you get anything for her, like a shaker can or a barrette for her hair? Listen, Sweetwater doesn't have anything that Jenny wants. You'd be surprised. Jenny wants me to make money. Trust me, that's all she wants. She might not get more tax breaks, but she'll get more press coverage. There you go. So I don't know where we were talking about.

You were talking about you getting your disability back. Disability. Yeah, well, that's a positive thing. I've been broke for a year. It's fucking huge. So I didn't have any income. I didn't want to get a job. But it was nice because in the last few, I'd say the last month or so,

I actually got my head out of my ass, and I've been in my fucking closet recording, learning what I need to do so I can make money recording audiobooks. Before I get to my last two weeks of bullshit on the road. Again. last two weeks of bullshit on the road uh again you were doing uh you were gonna do some like it's yeah it's common with actors in la i think even mother did one when she was doing videos for, like, work videos. Hey, welcome to Abscam, and you're going to, as a new employee, this is what you can expect. So it was a trade manual.

Right, like a trade manual. I'm still aspiring to do those, by the way. Like, I got a job at Busch Gardens, and I had to take a course, which consisted of someone turning on a VCR and then leaving the room while I learned how to actually operate a forklift. It was complete bullshit,

but those people, it's like someone showed them. Starting out, it's something you do. Someone showed them how to operate the forklift, the actor that didn't watch the video. Why don't you just do that to us? Because you showed this guy how to go the forklift actor that didn't watch the video. Why don't you just do that to us? Because you showed this guy how to go forward and reverse,

and yet I'm watching the fucking video. Well, that guy probably costs a lot more money than the retard who's willing to read it into a microphone. Hey, hey, hey. Oh, that's true. Yeah, that is true. I auditioned for,

I don't know, it was like a How to Succeed as an automotive technician. That's your wheelhouse. Exactly. I can't do characters. You look on the thing.

Some of them have books that need characters. What am I going to do? See Chad doing a ladies' one. Yes. Kids in the hall with lipstick on? I was trying to do one for Jenny, and I was doing actually pretty good with the women's voice because I've been watching some videos about how to do it.

You don't necessarily have to make a woman's voice. You just have to make it a little bit more breathy. Annoying? Yeah, yeah, like a country. Like, not your voice but but halfway through the book i was just reading it out loud for the first time for jenny and i'm going through doing these voices and halfway through the book there's a 90 year old japanese guy i was like fuck it man i just went over the top i was like, fuck it, man. I just went over the top. I was like, I'm never going to submit an audition for this,

so I'm just going to go over the top. Hold it, cut. Danny, can you get me two sugar cubes to put for front teeth? But then Chad remembered a friend of Mishka that was here that wrote a short story. A friend of Mishka that was here that wrote a short story. Well, that's the thing is that ACX, where I have to pull books from, the more I look at ACX books, I start looking at them.

That's the Audible parent company. It's the extension, like instead of a.mp3 or a.wav. No, no, no. ACX is the website where I can go. Authors who are on Amazon, because it's an Amazon company, bring their books to ACX is the website where I can go, like, authors who are on Amazon, because it's an Amazon company, bring their books to ACX. And then I can go to ACX and audition to do their book. That's also the file extension. The problem is that they need editors worse than they need narrators. I seriously considered bailing out on narrating and just becoming an editor.

Just trying to read it out loud. Well, most of them you don't even want to attempt because they're horrible. You're like, well, I don't really want to be associated with a horrible book. And then when I was at the play, I mean at the time, there's no punctuation. It's bad. Jack, you think they're going to notice you as a 90-year-old Japanese woman? I mean, that's the book to take. Well, he was a guy, but it could have been a woman the way I played it. Oh, you think they're going to notice you as a 90-year-old Japanese woman? I mean, that's the book to tell. Well, he was a guy, but it could have been a woman the way I played it.

Oh, yes. I don't know. Well, he actually. But I went, because I thought about it, and I was like, well, there's a guy that I met here. Samuel Keeley came to a party and is friends with Mishka, and he writes stories and puts them on Amazon, which is the easiest way for somebody. So I went and looked at his story called The Mexican Ejection Seat. And it's basically like an essay of him just telling a story of him partying with a bunch of friends.

It's way more fun to read and listen to than anything that's on ACX. So I messaged him on Facebook because, one, I want instant gratification. So when I sent out an audition, I was expecting right away for them to be like, all right, you get it. You're the guy. And then when I didn't get anything back for two days. It's like if you were coming here and I go,

hey, can you pick up cigarettes on your way? And then 20 minutes later, I hear nothing like, I got to go get my own cigarettes fuck this i quit smoking so i decided to circumvent it because i know that remembered sam had posted on facebook that he was selling a book on amazon yeah so i messaged sam and i said well first i read his book to see if well yeah you than on Ace X. You've done that a bunch of times. All that erotica. I'm surprised you got out of the closet. I have not auditioned for any erotica. I've not even read a whole erotica audition. I just thought it was funny.

I was pitching Tom ideas where we write the erotica for you to read. We can't write erotica any worse than the people already writing erotica are doing it. But I was pitching Tom the way that they write children's, like Pixar, I've never seen one, but animated movies where they have two levels, one for the kids

and one to amuse the adults that is over the kid's head. The one taking the kids to the movie. So where we write you funny where you're constantly and then this faggot looks at me where you're obviously gay but denying it yeah it took me so long to come because i was thinking about beautiful women oh no i came too quick because i was thinking about beautiful women and then I washed this boy in the tub and I apologized and said, you know, it's not you, it's

me, but I'll be ready again in an hour. How about some champagne? And then I had to think about beautiful women again while I fucked this small boy to show him who's It would be so much fun to write a gay erotica like children's movies.

You get the adult and you get the gay guy. Both. Let's do it, Douglas. Listen, I'm all for cross-marketing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That way our closeted gay fan base, which is one dude trying to find the other killer termite dude, would have a reason.

No, I listened to it for the funny part of Chad Shank's story. No doubt. Give him the excuse. No doubt, that's the hook. Dude, this new podcast is killer. I'd throw up three times, but I was laughing most of the time. I've been practicing a lot reading

and I don't know that I can do gay erotica unless it's funny. If it's funny, I can do it. But to try to do it seriously, I would be laughing when it wasn't funny and that's not... Well, you'll become a pro. You're going to get those skills.

I'm literally afraid I'm going to become gay, actually. I don't know how it works. I'm not sure. Will I like it? This is their new recruiting technique. Yeah, you got to butch up, Chad. Hey, there's no bugs, so there's no reason to have the screen shut. Yeah, they'll dive right through that.

Open that up, brother. Good man. Just saying. So good. So Samuel, has he gotten back to you? Oh, yeah, yeah, right away. Sam got back to me immediately, and he's a podcast listener. So, yeah, he actually said that he has thought of it before

of how great it would be if I could read one of his stories. No doubt. To me, it's fun. And I actually have other stories that people that listen to the podcast have sent. Because, fuck, those guys on ACX, fuck those guys. They're not podcast listeners. If I can find stories that podcast listeners have on Amazon, that would be fun. There you go.

You will do that. And it's stories that people want to listen to. Like, Sam's story is about, it's like do that. It's stories that people want to listen to. Sam's story is about an essay. It's a biker party. It's about going to Mexico on a motorcycle for a four-day biker party and doing a bunch of drugs. It's something that people that listen to the podcast will relate to.

Whereas the other one that I was looking at doing or that I've auditioned for is how to succeed at being an automotive technician. More boring, I guess. I mean, if I can ask, what's the pay rate between the two? Okay, the pay rate is going to be the same no matter what because the way I do it, or I haven't done it,

but the way it works on my end is being new, my best bet is to do a royalty share. Door deal. Well, okay best bet is to do a royalty share. Door deal. Well, okay. Which we can do. Okay, exactly. We ain't going to be sitting here. There's a per finished hour rate that you can get. And I can do a whole book for like $120

for like an hour long book or something. Or, like what Sam and I will do is we will split 20% of all the royalties. He'll get 20% of royalties and we will split 20% of all the royalties. He'll get 20% of royalties and I'll get 20% of royalties. And we will plug it, unlike a training manual, which we're like, oh, let's go to break. Hey, there's a great training manual on how to work a forklift.

I love it. Listen, if I do a training manual on how to run a forklift, I'm still going to plug it here. But I would rather plug something that would be... But you'd get a flat rate with us and a story we like and someone we can promote,

we can promote it. And I'm splitting royalty profits with a guy that listens to the podcast and this guy that I met and drank with. It's a friend. It's better. Look at the internet. How amazing.

Fucking A. All I got to do now is fucking learn how to read. You should have just closed on read. Read period. I just have to learn

how to read. Shit, it can make me funny. Have you been thinking about your next audiobook? Because you just turned in the first draft. I had to go from book to prepping taxes to trying to – I went to Austin. This last – it was supposed to be – well, I went and I filmed a special Doug Stanhope and Friends special.

All I had to do was host it at South by Southwest. It was fucking ridiculous. Hipster party? Who was on the bill? Yeah, it's Beard and Friends. Beard Fest. That's one of those erotic books that he was going to read. Who was on the bill? he was going to read. Oh, fuck.

Who was on the bill? Well, it was a great bill. It was Morgan Murphy, Brendan Walsh, Glenn Wool, and all I had to do was host. I had not been on stage in six months since before Bingo's coma. But I go, all I have to do is host. I can pull it off. Of course. Well, I sucked shit.

Fortunately, Hennigan is the director and the editor. Of the production. All right, Brian. So it'll be me going, hey, how's everyone? Your next comic. So is that your form of an apology to the people in Austin? No, no. That was the problem.

I thought Austin is in my top three most comfortable, best fan bases. It's Austin. I can get through this. Even if I go along and they cut it down to short, well, no. At South by Southwest, this is one of of their events so all the people that get in my fans couldn't get in these are people that spent 1700 on a platinum pass it's doing a small room to industry yeah all the people that feel like they're cooled because they're agents and fucking lunkhead industry fucks with the pat.

My people, can you get me in? Because I want to see you before I die. I have fucking early onset teenage leukemia virus. You got 10 year olds coming to your fucking show?

I'm out on a day pass i have an anklet can you get me in i have to be back in the halfway house by 10 no it's so it was like awful audiences brendan glenn wool morgan murphy fucking killed uh yeah i ate shit we did two shows and everyone has a laminate around their neck. I saw one of them that was in the stuff when I cleaned out the van when you got back. And it's like, I'm someone special. And there's an arrow pointing up at their chin. And I'm like, who's going to fucking wear that?

And why would this go to the committee unless they're all beardos in the committee? That would really appeal to all of them. It's ironic, Shaley. It's funny. I know, yeah. I get it. It's like any taping. They'll make it look good, but only podcast listeners will know how fucking awful it really was.

It's just not our crowd. If my crowd was in there, and you're also time constraints, we do two shows, so, yeah, it's an hour special. So you've got to get off because we have to change out the room. Second show's scheduled for midnight, didn't get started until one in the morning.

And you have to control your drinking because you'd need to have a couple of cocktails before. Yeah, you had to control it with Adderall, so I was talking way faster than I should have. That's not control. That's the best way to control drinking, I've found. Yeah, out of control. Perfect. Hang on.

Before I go on with this, oh, that special will be on CISO in June. Look for it. But you told me a story in your golf cart, your four-wheel drive golf cart. You got to remind me. I don't know. That I was gone when you were here, and you were doing Adderall and drinking with the Chalys. Uh-oh. This is not a funny story, I don't think, but it is kind of funny.

Was this the day you did the podcast with us? Yes. So I'll set it up that Chad wanted to go over some of his equipment. So I go, bring it over here and set it up, and then hang out, and then we can do the Near the Wild podcast, Becker, John Norris, and I. And we set it up in here, and then this is what happened. Well, that was fun. All of it was fun.

I checked my gear, found out I had a bad microphone. That was fucking fantastic because I was ready to quit because I thought it just sounded like shit because I have no idea, no reference. It did sound like shit. Shaley's like, why do you sound like shit? I go, that's what I've been wondering. My microphone was bad.

I had to get a new microphone. But then we did the Near the Wild podcast, and i had a lot of fucking fun with that but we ate an adderall before that so then whenever we were done drinking at about 12 30 and shaley and tracy went to bed then i was still here drunk as fucking awake and i decided that it would be hilarious if i got in my golf cart it goes about 60 is the top speed uh open open air on the sides windshield it's not a golf cart what it's a it's a polaris ranger it's a golf cart a 900 cc golf cart. Four-wheel drive golf cart. It's a huge, yeah. I decided to drive home at one in the morning at top speed in my golf cart

all the way from here to home. Before I left. You committed to, I'm going to. Before I left, I was like, I'm going to go as fast as I can no matter what the speed limit is all the way home. And the premise was that it would be hilarious if I got into a high-speed chase drunk in this fucking golf cart.

Allegedly drunk. I went 60 miles an hour the entire way home from here. Sometimes I'm afraid at about 45. about 45 oh shit it's like the first time skiing drunk there was no fear whatsoever i was laughing because i kept in like where's the cop because i wanted to get in a high-speed chase in a golf cart so bad so uh it didn't happen i just made it home in record time is all that happened. All's well that ends well. I think we should break. I'll get

back to the tour. But I think we should break. That sounds like a good breaking point. It is. That is the night, Doug, that I was mentioning earlier that we were on Skype. And we called Bert Kreischer and asked him the best way to get people to give us their phone numbers so that we could Skype them and then record their messages. And that's what's on the 200th episode.

You told me that last night when I had just got back from the road. We ended in Reno. So it was a two-day drive. And you told me that. And I thought I was there and completely blacked it out. You thought he was the one who did the talk to the people. I don't remember doing Skype with the people. But you dismissed him just as much as you would have. Had you been there or not been there?

No, all right. No, no, I had to ask because it was one of those things where you go maybe i really should cut back or quit because i have no memory like you used to be black out like for a little while and then as the day went on you'd remember more and more and then someone would say something you go oh fuck i forgot i did that and then there's some nights you go i have no recollection of that incident and i thought it was one of those uh but chrysler you just reminded me of something i want that will go to break all right but in my junk mail folder i lost my cord on the last tour for my computer so i was trying to do everything by phone which i can't do anything

by your power cable yeah so my i had no laptop where i know how to do shit so i got back and i just last night i was just going through emails and i'm clearing out my junk folder which occasionally or a lot of times shit goes to my junk folder and this it's from Delta Delta you're deep in Delta but I'm saying Delta is like here's your itinerary like why is one Delta thing in my

junk folder when half of my other regular self so I'm going through it and there's junk folders could be labeled linkedin folders but i got one that said burt kreischer wants you to follow up just like all linkedin junk mail because i made a linkedin profile a million years ago. Well, what's next? Facebook's a new thing. So I made it.

Bert Kreischer wants you to add him in your LinkedIn. And I go, I know Bert Kreischer is not working his LinkedIn. And I'm thinking, are people getting, Doug Stanhope really is hoping you fucking join him on LinkedIn because I have a profile. So if anyone knows the answer to that, yes. Like a bot request. Should I just fucking delete my LinkedIn? And if I did, I'd have to figure out

what was my passcode a thousand years ago? Just, if you get LinkedIn junk mail from me, I set up a profile and abandoned it immediately. I never thought about it again. So for me and Bert Kreischer and anyone else, yes, that

wasn't us. We accidentally set up a thing and you're getting junk mail. I just added Bert. Well, you're a business mail. I just, I just added Bert. Well, you're a business person. All right. Break time. We're going to take a break from this very important podcast because I want to

tell you guys something that's changed my life. It is the Boilermaker kit at DougStanhope.com. Before I found out about this great product, I was making Boilermakers all wrong. I was pouring the beer in my mouth, and then I had a handful of whiskey, and I was trying to splash that in my mouth. It was just a mess. I'm half blind in

one eye. But now, thanks to the Doug Stanhope Boilermaker kit, I'm drinking like a pro. Get your own. DougStanhope.com. We'll do it live! Ready? Hold on, I need my glasses if I'm doing it live. You know what? I wrote a little bit of a copy here. I'm looking for a Japanese male that's 90.

Can either of you? Chad, it's so weird how things come up like this. I have experience. You'd like me to read any copy as a 90-year-old Japanese guy? If anyone wants, is that warm yet? Yes, it is. All right. It's warm.

Is it mixed up? I already tore one of them up. Yeah, today. This is pulled pork sliders. It is fucking great, Doug. Thank you. I will get on that so that I don't try to drive home furiously. 60 miles an hour nonstop.

And they call that hypomania? Are we recording? We're recording. It's like a minor mania. It's like less. Yeah. Like hypoglycemic. It was supposed to be a break, but we realized Bert Kreischer,

and we have the Bert Kreischer announcement. If you're on the mailing list, you'd already know. If you're on the mailing list, you should be on the mailing list already. Yeah, at DougStanup.com. Sign up on the mailing list, not contact page. Hey, how do I get on the mailing list? Click the button beside the one that you clicked to get fucking emailing me. Some guy today emailed me about this Boston show.

Well, evidently all the scalpers picked up your tickets before I could get one. Now they're going for $300 to $1,000. I go, no, if you're on the mailing list, you would have got that announcement a long time ago, and it didn't sell out after that for a long time. So don't act like scalpers. And it didn't sell out after that for a long time.

So don't act like scalpers. Thank you for breathing heaves of fucking wet, heavy smoke up my ass. Like I'm selling out so fast that scalpers are jumping out. No. So he tried to buy a ticket in March for a last November show because the show basically just said those tickets are good for later and it was almost sold out when we had to cancel. So, I mean, he was fucking too late to begin with and anyone who picked up those tickets probably did them on some kind of a trade

or some kind of a deal on Craigslist. I like when someone tries to bullshit you into, oh, I'm sorry, let me try to figure out how to get you into, I know how long I wasn't sold out. Yeah. And I know who gets notifications first is people on the mailing list. I know it's a lot of trouble. It is for me sometimes.

But that aside, if you're on the mailing list, you already know, in Bisbee, May 20th, Bert Kreischer and I and special guests, to be determined. I already got a couple. Well, that's the thing. We have a couple, and then we hope for better, and then we go, okay, Mishka, you can come. I think he's going to be gone.

I'm fucking with Mishka. He's just kidding, Mishka. Mishka's show is on April 6th at the Stock Exchange yes we'll talk about that later no we already we just did

April 6th I was going to say because the night I'll be in Boston I'm supposed to host the show because I was going to do it so because Chad wanted to

but then he didn't want to so I go I'll do it no I wanted to last year and then I sucked at it and then I know not to do it again because I'm smart now I'm I'm on the bill so i've got the hidden tools of comedy and the comedy bible which one did you start with i started he's holding up the books what was his name that

i fucked with on the green room oh belzer belzer richard belzer what's? I go, it's the book that you sold me when I started comedy, you fucking... What's merch? That you tried to get over for five years. That was a good clip. I'm going to put that in the show notes because that was really fucking funny. I was classic. With Glenn Wool and Garofalo. Absolutely.

Anyway, so that's April 6th. It's Mishka, Christine Levine. I know Anthony Decimito is on the bill. Excellent. And I think that gal that, what? Anwar? What? Anwar Newton.

Oh, yeah. Anwar Newton? Yes. I'm working Boston on the, wait, this is Mishka's show. Yes. Yeah. I'm going to be in Boston when I could be trying to fuck a chubby gay Hispanic kid. Yep. I got him. Yeah. I could be trying to fuck a chubby gay Hispanic kid.

I got him. Yeah. He will be shanked. Hey, Anthony. So May 20th at the Bisbee Royale, we're doing a live audience swap cast. Burt Kreischer, Doug Standup. Tickets at DougStandup.com. It's also on Brown Paper Tickets, but just

go to DougStandup.com. If you're listening to this now, we will have special guests. It's probably sold out. It's $25 tickets and that's it. It's going to be fucking great. Great place. I'm looking forward to it. I'm taking May off. Oh, fuck!

We're recreating the Fun house on stage they left their last production the set up and i'm having gretchen paint it like the fun house oh we're gonna bring in the neons oh that's great tracy we're bringing the teal set he's bar oh they're portable bar and tracy's bartending on stage and we'll have a her mic'd up. Tracy. There you are. Come to the front house. That's what it is. If you're hearing this, you can't buy tickets. I get to be one of the special guests, right? You and Doug and Bert are the main characters.

You're part of the fucking... I just want to be there. I don't care where I get to be. That's like Baba Booey saying, Hey, Bob, can I go there and do a live event? Can I get tickets? You're kind of part of the show. So I do have, well, we'll talk about it more because you just got back.

And yeah, we've got plenty of people that want to be out here for this. And we're doing the Southeast. I don't know where. I got the dates right here. Yeah, you get some of them. Well, I got everything that I have right now. I went on Brown Paper Tickets. I'm shitting on Brian Hennigan right now.

My point is, I'll book you. Oh, hang on. I want to fill you in for the day after tomorrow. I'm still working on some negotiations. I'm on the road! Hey, if you could pull over, I'll tell you if you should go left or right.

I'm still in negotiations. There's comics that have their 2018 New Year's Eve book already at a fucking Indian casino. And Hennigan's still working out three weeks from now. I thought I had Hennigan figured out.

I thought we were friends. Like, for a while, I was like, Hennigan doesn't like me. And then I was like, okay, I think maybe Hennigan might like me. But then he unfollowed me on Twitter. And now I'm not sure exactly where I stand. Like, I get it if you never followed me on Twitter, but to follow me and then unfollow me on Twitter? You made a change, brother?

I don't know. I still follow you, Hennigan, because I love you. That doesn't make any sense because I've had that happen where I've followed people I don't have any idea who they are, and I know I've followed people like uh norton i think was one there was a comics i know i followed and then when i check i'm like no i know i follow fucking norton of anyone of course what and then they think you're lying one thing that i found is if you hit i I didn't know, you hit the back button.

You could be like, oh, yeah, follow that. But then if you hit the back button to go to your other page, it undoes what you did. Yeah, exactly. But that didn't happen. Hennigan fucking unfollowed me. So maybe I offended him. I don't know. Well, he does get drunk and angry.

We could go over these stories with fucking Brett Erickson, where he gets drunk with Erickson and just starts berating him. I don't even know why the fuck you're in this fucking city. Why the fuck are you in L.A.? He has to kind of babysit Hennigan. Like, I'm just going to get you home, little man. You're fucking nothing. You don't fucking work at all.

Okay, Brian. Well, I did check with Brown Paper Tickets today to see where we are going to be in the next two weeks. And it's starting April 10th in Charlotte, North Carolina. The 11th in Athens, Georgia. The 12th in Asheville, North Carolina. Asheville, remember? That was the great eagle.

Yeah, I love Asheville. Fucking great. And Spartanburg is going to be scary. Spartanburg, South Carolina, right after that. Then we have two days off, which that's weird because you usually just get the one. So we might be getting some film. That's a Brian to be announced. Yes.

So this is why you get on the mailing list. That's why I'm on the mailing list. So I can find out. Yeah, that would make sense. I'm on the mailing list, so I know where I'm playing. Then we got on the 16th, we got Richmond, Virginia. The 17th, Virginia Beach. The 19th, Wilmington, North Carolina.

Then we're back on the 20th at Columbia, South Carolina. Then we've got two days off again, once again. And then we're winding up. There's going to be a – well, I probably shouldn't say that. We've got a date in Atlanta, Georgia on the 24th, but I'm pretty sure that might get added, another one might get added. Yeah, there's one date in Atlanta. There might be a second somewhere else i told

them if you book two dates in atlanta book them on different sides of atlanta yeah oh because they'll because they'll sell out yeah but that way someone doesn't have to drive and i know i'm fucking with you because now you're crazy do i buy the one that's available well you know what at mr hennigan hey where how about more than a few weeks' notice? Some of us have jobs and lives. Was Atlanta where we ran into a d***? It's in the book, but I don't use his name. The new book.

That guy. Yes. No, I meant the phone book. What are you talking about? Mishka evidently is moved or moving to atlanta so he will be on the athens georgia date and the atlanta date or dates uh other than that i don't know who's coming with mishka will be on the athens and atlanta dates he said hey uh can i i because i told him drunkenly yes on text yes you're moving to atlanta you you can be on those two dates but i i need to bring someone strong

with me and that's and that's maybe a couple that's two days comic yeah he's a strong musician i need to bring some strong comics because I'm still developing shit that I was developing six months ago when all that development went into other problems. No, developments. Last week, I had a lot of fun. So, yeah. He asked if he could do all the other dates too you know mishka hey i hate to always bust your balls i hate to ask you over and over hey i get you hey i've always well you know what i don't mind telling you no mishka's a guy i like to say nope but you said so you always ask me mishka because if if i if it's a no i relish in telling you no

last night maybe you said lovingly you're a couple drinks in and you said yeah he's he's gonna do athens and atlanta so today i shipped all of our merch there so it's guaranteed athens and atlanta whether we book another show or i don't know what's going on but yes So, it's guaranteed. Yeah, he will definitely. Mischka is opening Athens in Atlanta. Whether we book another show or I don't know what's going on. But yes, merch, that's where it's going. All right, did you get through all the dates? Yes, May 20th. I wasn't listening.

Are we taking a break yet? Because I have to piss. I got to piss again. Yeah, that's a real break now. For real this time. That's a real break now. For real this time. This episode of the Doug Stanhope Podcast is sponsored by Blue Apron.

Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. All right, Chad. Tom Konopka spends way too much time locked in the main house here at 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona, 85603, to the point where it's scary. It's like he's in a Supermax where he spends 23 hours a day locked in the house. You're not telling me anything, Stan Hope. It's scary to me.

I'm a psychopathic shut-in, and I don't spend that much time locked in the house. But the only time I see him on his one hour of exercise time in the yard is the fleeting moments where the postal FedEx UPS service, whoever comes up and beeps outside the gate, he races out like a cockroach, signs for a box, and then races back in to the main house and locks himself back in. Admittedly, that is weird behavior, but what about the smells coming out of that room? The other day it smelled like carrots, I'm pretty sure. Or tai chi, or one of those things that I don't even know what the smell is.

But how does he get this stuff? He never leaves the house. I think it comes right to the gink, Stan Hope. I get it from Blue Apron. Affordable for less than $10 per person per meal. Blue Apron delivers seasonal recipes along with pre-proportioned ingredients to make delicious home-cooked meals. Customize your recipes each week based on your preferences.

Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs there's no weekly commitment so you only get deliveries when you want them guaranteed yes they are blue aprons freshness guarantee promises that every ingredient in your delivery arrives ready to cook or they'll make it right. So now Bingo says, oh, he says he's got this blue apron thing where he just makes all these meals that are delivered to the house. Why are the doors locked? Why aren't we getting to eat any of the Tom Knopka blue apron? He's getting pretty big.

His gut's going down, but his muscles are getting big. I think he's not sharing some superhuman secret of how to age well, live life, eat delicious gourmet foods, and he's not sharing it with us. And he's in the main house. I'm in the small house. Look at you chad you've gotten six inches shorter and you're eight inches wider do you think he's hoarding the kooz kooz oh yeah yeah blue apron it's a better way to cook and the and the first three meals are free

yeah i got that with columbia house record and tape Club where all I had to do was tape a penny with a fake name and I'd get 10 albums for free ELO and Bob Seger they keep sending you meals that you love and then you don't cancel and now here I am

I'm a 50 year old man at Columbia House Record and Tape Club which has been out of business since 1981. There's still one guy sending me tapes of Diana Ross. I'm learning to do that dance. God damn it. The Macarena? No, the hustleustle, man.

The Hustle. I'm still getting the Hustle. My mom yelled at me for Columbia House Record Tape Club in 1977 or 9. Yeah, they still said. When the zombie apocalypse comes, Blue Apron, a guy with a blue apron alone, will still be sending you fucking almond-encrusted red snapper. There's only three people on Earth. You owe me for the almond-encrusted red snapper.

You signed up for it 80 years ago! It's still a better way to cook. Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron. A better way to cook. All right, let's blow through the thank yous all together because there's so many. I've been gone so long.

Thank yous. Someone who sent me the Stanhope House, Home of the Blues from Stanhope, New Jersey, T-shirt. I used to own that years ago. Someone sent me, there's a place in Stanhope, New Jersey called Stanhope House, and it's a small blues bar, and I want to play there. I want to film a special there.

Someone who's running for local office, Stephen Gray sent it to me, but but the guy it's a long story uh someone sent bingo a a blue purse without a name a lot of we get a lot of gifts with no names she appreciated that it's not a purse it's a bible holder with a handle yeah oh i don't know what it is i know i'm gonna blow through all these stop we're making this fucking podcast i want them to know that we appreciate the bible holder that has doug's new old book yes digging up mother in it all right it was already opened when i got here drink number two welke paul welky who uh was the old winner of the uh death pool yes creepy guy that always tells you stories about threesomes you you don't want to imagine

he sent me a jacket that will be immediately sent to the thrift store because it's a plaid but it's black and gray we need yeah he found it in a thrift store he's nice but he sent me a copy of smart fuck magazine a fake cover framed with a bunch of stuff about us i'm gonna put it right i don't have time to read it's gonna go right well thank you uh christine uh from my old girlfriend from my teenage years from massachusetts sent me vintage national lampoon which i really that's great can't wait to dig into john jung he sent a john waters dvd sheldon wines i don't know if i mentioned him before i left on this trip but uh he showed up sheldon wines he sent us that four pack of bottles of wine which which Tracy has definitely gone through by now.

Thank you. Thank you, says Tracy. That was Dylan. Dylan sent us wine, too. Oh, well, it's Sheldon Wine. It might be Dylan Sheldon. Sheldon is the last name. Sheldon Wines.

He's up in the wine area. It's Santa Cruz. I'll get to that podcast one day. Someone gave, we get a lot of shit on this tour. Someone gave us a lot of drugs. And one I'm scared to try. Chad will try it. Hello.

Sour gummy one milligram that's a bar of xanax in sour gummy bears each one's a bar that's what i used to take if i had to fly la to london non-stop is that a peach so you call that a peach no that's a bar you got one of your peach? It's a quarter. Throw it in my face. I'll eat it. We're going to find out. Make sure you have a bed ready that you're going to sleep for a lot of hours. Small house. I've heard that before. MUFC, the last winner

sent me a death pool. Yeah, he sent me a prank. He sent us a bunch of shit. I don't remember if we talked about it last time I was home. And some guy named Chris sent me a... Just sent a letter. A lot of people send letters. You don't get fucking name checked. But he sent me a letter with pictures of him at Machu Picchu wearing a Doug Stanhope t-shirt.

Nice. So I thought, let's carry that on. Yes. Buy a Doug Stanhope t-shirt. Send a picture of you in a weird fucking place. Because right now, Chris has set the bar at the top of Machu Picchu wearing a Doug Stanhope t-shirt. Tweet it or I don't believe it. Tweet it and we'll put it on the show notes.

And if they tweet it they get it. What was our Skype thing? Was it Stanhope Podcast? I think I have a Gmail Stanhope Podcast. We'll get to your thanks and let's get the fuck out. Who's thanks? You. Tom's ready You. Oh, thanks.

Tom's ready. Tom's ready. I got, okay, Christopher, who had sent us some stuff before, sent me a T-shirt that was really cool, also sent Tom Konopka and Tracy a T-shirt. He wrote a letter. I'm not going to read it, but I wish I knew who Christopher was because he sends me bind uh binders full of

stories yeah they're pretty decent stories if you can submit them to uh amazon.com we can work out a fucking deal to uh i don't have you do voice i can't even get he doesn't even leave a return like address or an email or anything it's just christopher is all i know so uh christopher with the fucking cool drug stories and uh binders and t-shirts, email me and we'll work out something. There you go. What else do I have? Oh, sorry. I have a postcard that

says, Chad, you remind me of my best friend. I'm glad to hear you on the podcast. Keep on from Blake. Blake. That was very nice. The sauce. Got this. It says, for Doug, Chad, Tom, and the rest of the gang,

this is spiced coconut vinegar condiment marinade. Shake before use. From Ben Slouter, London fan. I already texted a picture of it to Jenny to see if she knew what it was but she says no but she's anxious to find something to cook for the fun house I'll drink that with a shot of the

absinthe you're on brother one's as good as the other and I brought you an axe for next year on Halloween from Ghost Ride Productions it's fucking real. And I got a bunch of stuff coming out. That is killer.

I'm excited about the axe. Before we close out, can I mention the now for all you old fucks like me, the new DVD of the last special is

now available on the website. No place like home. What's it doing on CISO? I've never heard of CISO. What's Netflix? I want it. Do you have cassette tapes? Yeah.

Well, we have a DVD that is now available at Doug Stanhope.com where you should all already be on the mailing list. Yeah. Now you can get a DVD of it, and you'll know what I'm talking about now that I do my next tour because everything I do is an evolution of what I said before. It's a continuing conversation.

So get No Place Like Home at DougStanhope.com, and when you see the new tour, you see what you win after I'm dead because that's a favorite bit of mine coming up. It is a bit. It's also going to go out on the mailing list. We have vinyl coming in.

It'll be here next week. It's going to be we're going to do it on the tour. We're selling vinyl of the old the last special. That is fucking cool. The last special will be available and we'll make that offer available. The last special. Will be available and we'll give

a, we'll make that. We're drunk. Let's close it up and play Mishka Shabali who will be on the end of the tour. Blah, blah, blah. Stock Exchange. I'm home. Chad Shanks. Welcome back, Dougie. Tom Panopta's

full of fucking blueapron.com. Loving it. And Chaley has to edit this shit by the morning. Thank you. Play some Mishka Shabali. Pass me the lampshade, I'm drunk again. Blew my drug money on a quarter gin. Well, I am a cultured man with tastes discriminating.

But I'll settle for a tall glass of anything. fell in love with love and death and darkness if i'm a bad drunk well it's not for lack of practice There is no, this is no modern romance. Cause I'm going home in a fucking ambulance. Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight. I won't drink you tonight Spring break, gone broke, sprung Now I'm the only one Mirrored medicine cabinet door Like the hatch of a submarine Bottles inside like buttons and dials

And tiny backlit screens Bloody footprints on the bathroom floor In a hotel close to the airport Bloody footprints on the bathroom floor. In a hotel close to the airport. Well, am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight. Drinking tonight Despair is an octopus With its head in New Hampshire And tentacles everywhere

Well am I the only one Drinking tonight The only one drinking tonight. Am I the only one drinking tonight? The only one drinking tonight. I'm getting hoarse.