The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #203: Bingo Hates You and Everything After

Episode Date: April 5, 2017

This episode is sponsored by- BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/STANHOPE (@blueapron)andMackWeldon.com - Get 20% off by using promo code 'doug' at checkout.Something has gotten into Bingo and she is not holding back. Tom has another story and Doug prepares to get back out on the road.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Recorded April 4, 2017 at the FunHouse in Bisbee, AZ with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Tom Konopka (@RealTomKonopka), Bingo (@bingobingaman), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille. Bartended by Ms. Tracey.Closing song, "Don't Cut YR Hair", by Mishka Shubaly. Available at DougStanhope.com and on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Clearence Williams III - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clarence_Williams_III- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

this is a very exciting uh episode of the podcast did you start already yeah i'm snorting sorry yeah it's a allergy season in uh arizona yep i forget jeff beamish in the morning told me all the cottonwood and fucking rosemary and thyme that are blowing around or whatever making everyone sneeze yeah i wish it was something as nice as rosemary and thyme that are blowing around or whatever, making everyone sneeze. Yeah. I wish it was something as nice as rosemary and thyme. I have no idea. It's the fucking mulberries and the cottonwood. Yeah, I've been barfunkled for two weeks. Yeah, the mulberries and the cottonwood I think are kicking ass.

Unaffected. Yeah. Well, I don't know. I think I have a bit of the flu. So, yeah. It usually doesn't affect me. I think I started getting allergies when I was 35 or 36 up in when I moved to Seattle. And I don't know why.

That was the only time. I as well. I think it's a hormonal thing. I wasn't allergic to anything but maybe dust. And right about mid-30s, it was like cats, cats, and then the mulberries in Nevada. But they're everywhere. They're great trees.

Yeah, we've got mulberries and cottonwoods all around the properties here. Yeah, it's just a couple weeks. That's all I've got to complain about. Life is good. Well, it's the fucking windy season, which makes me crazy. I go, oh, it's finally nice weather. No, it's constant fucking wind. All this shit is knocked down. I don't. It's finally nice weather. Now it's constant fucking wind. All this shit is knocked down.

I don't even pick it up. Patio furniture is fucking blown all sideways and upside down. And fuck it, I'll fix it in May. We were in St. Louis last week. And our buddy Fury down the road was like, hey, he texted me. He said, hey, I don't know if this is your umbrella, but it was out on Black Knob somewhere. And I just

retracted it, brought it back down, and I just stuck it under one of the trailers. I'm like, yeah, that's ours. Is it the beige one? The beige one. Holy shit. That's like 40 pounds. That's like a... The slab at the shitty Dell, where the two trailers are,

the guy who you bought the place from when the city shut him down for like, I want to build a house with no permits or anything. He has an ABS, like a plumbing downspout in the middle of the pad because he poured the cement and had some of the piping in there and i go that'll take the fucking pole so i put the pole in there as a fucking great place to hang out in the heat of the day it's in between both trailers then we left i forgot to bring it back down so it flew out onto black knob yeah i was gonna say it wasn't even opened up. The last I saw it was up here. No, I found it.

It had flown from here down to us. So it's kind of leapfrogging properties. No, that was down. When you guys left, it was up, but it was not opened. So the wind opened it and then carried it all the way down to Fury's place. Yeah, we've had to go find cushions for the patio furniture in other people's yards. We're missing cushions. Yeah.

The rape trail is gone, Doug. What the fuck? Good on. Black knob for that fuck. I wore that. Someone sent me a rape trailer t-shirt homemade years ago. And I wore it all through South by Southwest in my pajamas, getting fucking rotten looks.

Establishing rapport. Very good, Douglas. Bingo's been cranky. Last we left you, we did two-part. It turned into a two-parter when we ate that gummy bear Xanax, Chad and I.

Oh, my God. And then when that was over, neither of us really remember the end of that. But then three interlopers showed up. And I think it was only the Xanax that saved. I remember at one point, Chad picked one of the guys up and literally carried him over his shoulder. They were fans. They had no right to be here.

I was sleeping, and I've had so much trouble sleeping lately after I got out of the coma, for Christ's sakes. And I finally fell asleep in the little house where we live right now. Right next to where we're at. The fun house is adjacent. Some cunt comes in, makes a lot of noise, takes a shit in the fucking bathroom there, and I get up, and I'm like, what are you fucking doing here?

Get the fuck out of my house. I was furious. They were fans. They weren was furious. They were fans. They weren't invited. They were fans. And they came over and then went and shit in my fucking house when I'm finally sleeping. I was furious.

I could have fucking... I was furious. It was days ago and she's still blaming them. She lit right up. Did you see that? Yeah. I woke up. It's probably that girl.

I woke out of my coma, for Christ's sake. She pissed me off. I don't know if something was wrong today. Where's the broom? I blame that girl that was in my house going through my shit. The fuck were those people? Everything's her fault. I blamed everything on that bitch. I did. I us people. Everything's our fault.

I blamed everything on that bitch. I did. I really did. She's famous now. I still have no idea who they were. We were so fucking out of our tit. Chad was tweeting the next day, going, man, I feel all groggy.

And then Denise tweets back, you remember the gummy bears? Oh, that's why. He woke up at home. Yeah, he should have. He had no idea. By the way, I did screw up the milligrams on that. One milligram is a half a bar. Two milligrams is a bar. I kept saying that we were splitting a bar.

We only split half a bar, but we were still drunk enough from the first podcast. Dude, you were out cold. Well, you were out cold. Well, that's what Bingo says. I wasn't even in the room when that girl came in. And you said that when you came in to check on this situation. Oh, there was a whole thing going on.

I don't remember any of it. I'm drunk. I woke up by myself. I really did. I woke up by myself. The timeline is weird. I don't know where you were. I don't know where you were at the time.

I might have been right behind you dead asleep because I carry a mirror. I took care of business on my own. I didn't need you. You Chad Shanked the operation. I didn't fucking need you. I carry a mirror in my pocket now because I should have checked if you were breathing that night. You were on your side facing towards me, and I took like two hands, one on your shoulder and one on your rib cage, and I did like that shake thing on a bed.

That's funny, Shannon. I check that he's living all the time when he's sleeping. What are some of your tips? I check that he's breathing all the time. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. I do this under the nose with the finger under the nose. I blow pepper in his face

I take a big feather and tickle his feet I've done that too nothing was working no I forgot what I was going to say Bingo stole the show welcome back Bingo no waking you up

Bingo wakes me up or checks to see if i'm awake by going stanhope stanhope i've been up since five i'm tired of waiting for you to wake up wake up stanhope wake up wake up i'm bored i'm bored stanhope stanhope wake up this morning i was having such incredible fucking lucid dreams. And if I can go back to bed, I can get back to where I was in a dream. Oh, like a bookmark. Yeah. Yeah.

If it's cranking good. Especially with over-the-counter sleeping meds, sleep aid. I have such trouble sleeping that if I'm up, someone needs to entertain me. That's you. You need to entertain me. That's you. You need to entertain me. Bingo tends to repeat herself a lot. Okay, well, I'm just going to be in the funhouse playing. I'm practicing in my new song, so I'll be in the funhouse.

I have two new songs, you motherfucker. I have two new songs. I'm practicing my new songs, so I'm just going to take those out. I know. I got it. I'm trying to get back to this dream. It's a great place. This morning, it was weird where it got to the common dream where now I got to do two shows.

I don't remember my material. And now we're running an hour late, so people are going to be waiting, and the second show is going to go on. And then Bingo came back in, and I go, well, this is a good time to skip out of this fucking dream because it's terrifying. And I thought, what if you got to a place where you couldn't get out of the dream?

Like, tonight I go to sleep, and now this show is four hours late, and everyone's going, where were you? Well, I had to be awake for a while. Everyone's angry, and someone wants a guest set. I hope you have good—I don't remember my material. angry and someone wants a guest set. I hope you have good... I don't remember my material. Just every night. It's a parallel universe that never changes

just like your awake time. Like, alright. We're never going to do these shows. You ever going to work on that material? I was working on it. I've done one of those where you wake up from the dream and you're still dreaming and then I was working on it. Oh, my God. I've done one of those where you wake up from the dream,

and you're still dreaming, and then you wake up from the dream. I've done that. Those are the fucking best. They're really good, because then it's like, I want the second one, not the first one. Don't take me back to the realization. Take me back to the actual fucking candy rivers. Oh, thank God. That was just a dream feeling feeling you're going to fucking jail oh wow yeah recurring ones yeah yeah they arrest police police chase dui just running from the cops

getting sentenced that's the most common theme for nightmares yeah you wake up going oh fucking thank god i found something amazing years ago i used to listen to art bell you know coast to coast everybody's like oh my god after after of course phil henry and all that and something occurred to me i used to leave it was i was listening to it on the radio and i would go to sleep with the radio on. And one time I woke up, and I do a lot of lucid dreaming, my whole life I have, but something, a pattern occurred. I had an unbelievable, I don't remember what the dream was,

but it was something that was dramatic, like what you were talking about. And as I woke up, his radio show, it influenced my dream. Just the sound of it. It's a narration. It narrates your your absolutely did yeah

to me that was a trip because i studied this type of stuff sleeping and you know what all these symbols it was almost the he was continuing i'm awake and now he's it's the same whatever it was about i was swimming i was that's that is interesting though i don't know if that occurs if i was in rem sleep or whatever it was, but be careful what you listen to. I remember the first time that happened to me and thinking I was a psychic. Yeah. The radio or something was on. I was like 13, and I think it was the Shah of Iran or something had died, and I had had a weird dream.

I go, I dreamt that. Well, the radio was on in your room. The fucking news was on. Yeah, but that is interesting. But I sleep with TV on anyway. This, since I've been sleeping here writing the book, it has to,

it automatically goes out after three hours. If you don't change a channel, like downstairs in Black Knob, it's four hours go by. Yeah, four hours. And it will just shut down. Which is great. Yeah, which is the same thing

you can do on a podcast. Because I go to sleep listening to podcasts every night. So I'm listening and there's a feature where you can pick 15, 20. I mean, I sit down to watch a movie I want to see and I'm out cold in five minutes. Maybe three, right? But I can listen to a podcast and I'll keep listening if it keeps rolling through. Keeps rolling through. Yeah.

So there's a timer, a nighttime mode mode where it'll shut off in 15 minutes and then you know and then you'll you'll you'll be drifting by then and then i have one thing i've noticed since you know first bingo and then coming back and having to do the book and then having to go back on the road and having no time i don't miss netflix binges like i couldn't wait to get off the road before i just sit on the couch and i would just watch shit after shit after shit to ignore stuff and i i don't miss that we did one with erickson and murphy where on the road where i don't know did we talk about Friday Night Tykes? A little bit. You talked about the

coach teaching the kids to spear. Where to spear them in the head. It's fucking crazy. That got me hooked. I'd watch anything hoping to get hooked. Just watching that, I go, this is such shit. But it's so

infuriating, I have to keep watching. So I haven't done that. Bar Rescue blocked me, so fuck Bar Rescue. I gave John Taffer some shit, so yeah, both, I think I mentioned this last time, sounds familiar. But yeah, both the Twitter feed of Bar Rescue and John Taffer personally, I'm blocked. So fuck you. And KVOA. I'm going to look for a local

Tucson station that's not KVOA since Jeff Beamish didn't have a sense of humor about Sky Candy. Hashtag Sky Candy. They came back to doing that. They still say, hey, send in your pictures of Arizona weather

to Facebook Jeff Beamish or at Jeff Beamish, but there's no hashtag Sky Candy anymore. So, yeah, you could torture him that way. He made your mark. Oh, yeah, he made the mark. Any difference? Bingo. Are you done with your hate? i mean you've been you've been

cranky for days it started with those three people today for sure but look at the smile on her face she's so happy cranky i'm thrilled now she's thrilled but she sounds just like me like we're just driving to like b and d hardware and pulling in while someone... Get the fuck out of the way. I want to punch that. I'm going to flip that person off. It's not their fault. It's the person in front of them. I don't care. I don't like the way this guy looks. I'm going to flip him off. I don't know what's

happening, but I'm turning into you. It's terrible. We had an incident where we were driving just to Safeway today. You guys might have been behind us because we were behind a guy that was driving like 30, 35. And I'm like, Tracy, we're right behind him. And I was like, let's take this moment to breathe. Let's just enjoy.

Let's just let this octogenarian in front of us, let's learn the lesson of taking time to appreciate. We don't have to be in a hurry. And she goes, what about everyone behind us? I look in the mirror and I go, fuck this guy. There's like five people behind us. What the fuck is he doing? She's like, he's doing this on purpose. That's his retirement revenge.

So he might have been one of you back there. Yeah, he could have been. I had to wait 10 minutes to buy two jalapenos for 17 cents. Oh, man. Because some old haggard Mexican woman had 85 items in the 15 item or less, and I was calm and patient, and it was all because Floyd's ex-wife was behind me in line, and I just didn't want to turn around.

I knew she was there. Sorry, coming. After Safeway called me saying my med was in, and it was the prenatals for my losing my, massively losing my hair. So I wanted to pick up my pain needles. By the way, let me stop and say, because I tweeted, hey, if any woman has ever dealt with brain trauma and hair loss, let me know, which is a shot in the dark.

Yeah. And then, of course, you get everybody that has no. Well, you know, I heard, well, first of all, you're not a woman. You haven't had traumatic brain injury. My dad had chemo when he had liver cancer when he was 75. It's not... I know you're trying to help, but... And then they Google it.

Do you think that I went to Twitter before I Googled it? First you Googled it, goddammit. I was looking for personal experience. And you can't be angry. Well, I can. I am. I did. I was.

I did. I was. No, you fucking. Yes, I already read all that on Google. Yeah, well, you know, Rogaine doesn't work. If it did, Carl Malone would have hair. It's a different fucking thing, you idiot. It's a woman that's young

that just happened to have traumatic... Brain trauma. Yeah, fuck that. But anyway, I tried to pick up my... Let's take this moment to breathe. Okay. Yeah. Ear. But anyway, I was trying to get milk

duds, too. I just wanted to get milk duds at the pharmacy when I paid for my medication. I couldn't get anything. After I wait 10 minutes to buy 17 cents worth of jalapenos on a credit card. I needed to go through the line again for one box of milk duds. It was so bad we actually went to Sherry's Lane. Yeah, we went through Sherry's Lane. Yeah, we went to Sherry's Lane. And then when we went to the Dollar Store

because we were waiting on this fucking pizza from the pizza guy, I ate my 13. I could have 13 Milk Duds. It was six grams of fat. She looked at the serving size. I counted them. I ate 13 Milk Duds, and then I stuck my Milk Duds box in a backpack in the dollar store

so someone would get a prize. Oh, a backpack for sale. Yeah, on the rack. What a giver you are. Yeah. I was a giver. My day's been shitty all day, but I was a giver then. I hope they find those before they buy the backpack,

sit it in the trunk in the hot Arizona sun, that are spilled out. Coated with caramel. Back to school. Why are you sucking your pencil, Henry? It's tasty. Are erasers made of caramel? So, yes, bingo has been a hoot.

I have been. She has. Anybody coming over tonight? Don't chew into the microphone. I'll put a cigarette out on you. All right. I've left every time. I'll leave.

No, no, don't leave. Just stop eating peanuts. I won't leave. Finish eating, then come to the mic, and then Tom, take those peanuts away. Anybody today, I was going to say, hey, this is the door. Here's the door. You can get the fuck out,

because this is the last night I get to spend with Doug Stanhope. So you can find the door, you motherfucker. That was going to happen. Anybody who stopped by tonight, it was going to be said I didn't fucking care I don't fucking care

this is the last night I get with you fuck them, fuck all of them and we get a brand new bed thank you Chaley for all your work with the cables we're getting it together here at the compound and nobody else is going to get it together tonight.

Fuck them. Did someone come by? Was there an incident? Well, a little half of an incident. But if anybody else comes by, they're going to be escorted towards the door. She's still carrying this from days before. I am. Unrequited anger.

The lady that took the top of the phone those three people I still have no idea I think they said they were from New Orleans I remember calling them billionaires sarcastically they wanted to know that they had a lot of money well if you have a lot of money then you can find another place to fucking stay yeah they said

I remember they said they were going to stay in their car out front fuck them let them stay in the car up front. Fuck them. Let them stay in the car up front. I don't give a shit. It just didn't jibe with the whole billionaire, but I was so out of my mind at that point. Well, there's no amount of money they could have paid to stay at Doug Stanhope's. First of all, when you're eating Xanax gummy bears,

you're putting blind trust into the amount of Xanax that is in each part of the gummy bear. We don't even know if there was real gummy bear in there. There was definitely a chemical aftertaste. You and Chad both said that immediately. We both thought it was bullshit. It's like the Moxie aftertaste. That's not Coca-Cola or root beer.

That tastes like cheap. Tasted like blackout eventually. You were down for, you said, 14 hours? About that. I woke up at 6 going, oh, those were bullshit. And then I tried to get out of bed and went, oh. Now this is just piss waking me up. Xanax is good.

But yeah, Bingo's been carrying that. She just wants to over and over again have that experience. I can hear her breathing furiously through her nose right now, like the dragon outfit she's wearing. Well, that's because her mouth is always full of fucking peanuts. She can't stop eating peanuts. I just read a story on Newser. She peanuts. I'm going to kick people out. I just read a story on Newser. There you go.

She put on her dragon outfit to kick people out. My dragon onesie. Maybe you should get a picture of that. You should fucking throw people out. Oh, you definitely should. Yeah, I... I was with this one.

I was just... Because I'm leaving tomorrow and I got to go to Boston, fly back to meet Shaylee, then fly back from Tucson to start in the Southeast on that run. So I won't be back for...

We fly back on the 27th. Yeah, we'll be back on the 27th. So, yeah, most of the month of April I'll be gone, and I was reading a story on Newser today, and I pointed to Bingo because she's on a diet that she's only on so she can go off of it four or five times a day? Is it a diet of vitriol and hate? No, you know what?

If you're in a coma, this is what happens. You go to sleep, and you wake up 34 fat fucking pounds later, and you have to go on a diet. What else are you supposed to do? It's fucking hideous. No, you woke up at 109 pounds and then put on 34 months oh she'd answer me she's shaking her head no but her mouth is full of peanuts that she can't stop eating she's on a mission so i saw a story on newser that said uh college student don't put

the put the things down and be on the mic. Call us soon. We'd like to hear you. Dies after pancake eating contest. What? Yeah, they choked to death. It was a girl, too. Oh, yeah, yeah. Choked to death in a pancake eating contest. I'm not eating pancakes.

I'm eating waffles. Waffles? The waffles. The wee tatted waffles. It's like that one Tosh.0 where they had the cupcake thing the cupcake cupcake challenge like who could eat

the cupcake quickest and then the girl like wolfed it down and then she's like giving the the Heimlich yeah and they

someone like yeah just Heimlich turned boom yeah they they couldn't they said they failed at the Heimlich

anyway I pointed this story out to Bingo and said listen I'm gonna go away for a while, and I just want this to be a warning to you. I can't always be here to save you. To save you eating waffles.

I think you're safe with the waffles, I think. There's automatic speed bumps in a waffle. Yeah, it's not like, because you can roll up a pancake and really just jam it down your gullet. Right, right, right. I get it. I get it. I once dated a girl who,

when she was a kid, she ate flour tortillas and butter. That was me. Well, that wasn't you, Bingo. That was me. But she ate so many at a Thanksgiving, like a family thing, that she had to go to the hospital

because it impacted her intestines. Holy shit. Yeah, literally. Because a flour tortilla is a little bit of oil and flour and water. And she just ate, she kept eating flour tortillas and butter to where... My weird obsession, was that a show called that you watch?

Oh, I love that show. What's that? No, it's um my strange addiction or something my strange addiction it's where people oh yeah they eat brillo no they eat like the mattresses of their bed and they are in love with their car and make make out with it make love to their car i love love that fucking show. I can't help it. Where do you kiss a car? Okay, all the shows that you like, go fuck yourself, Stan Hope. Really. I just, yeah.

I'm sitting in a waffle. Eating tortillas. 600 pound fucking people. My 600 pound life. Go fuck yourself. Hers is more exciting. I have to watch it all the time with you. Go fuck yourself.

That's it. Tell them, Bingo. Really? Don't take no shit from this guy. I'm not. What songs are you working on? I'm working on two songs. One song is Hey Ya, the slow version.

And I'm working on that for the band, for Shaley and Tracy. Shaley Ukulele. She's putting the band back together, man. Yeah, baby. With her new voice. And Tracy. And the other song is In Spite of Ourselves. That's the name of the song?

Yeah. It's a John Prine song. Okay. And I'm working on that too. Do you want to play one right now? No. I have a recording of one we can play later. All right.

I don't know if we need the rights for that for what i don't know i don't know maybe not let's not play it so far we're pretty lucky yeah john prine's cool and he eats waffles me i bet he eats waffles All right. Let me quickly break. Blueapron.com. I'm going to start with Bingo, because Bingo, her boy toy. My boy toy. Steve Drew. I don't think my microphone's up. Steve Drew, he's a Bisbee Hollywood superstar.

Good looking, but if you meet him in person you go, oh wait, you're only five foot one. You'd watch him in the movies and go, oh he's dreamy. And then you go, oh I could carry him home under one arm and have three sacks of luggage

under my other. He's a very sweet guy. He's my very dear friend. Matinee Idol looks. Wow. Yes. Definitely. Wow.

Yep. Top gun kid. Whoa. And he just bought a new house. He bought a new house, and I wanted to give him a housewarming present and we didn't have anything. I didn't know what to do. We re-gift a lot of shit around here, let's be honest.

We gave him a blue apron, motherfuckers. We gave him a blue apron. And there was three meals in it for two people each. I hope he has a girlfriend. I don't know what's going on there, but yeah, I gave him. He busted out.

Well, you went to his house to see his new house. You know, Joby, we had a housewarming party. And he says, hey, come to my new house years ago. And nothing there. You opened the refrigerator. There was four condiments and nothing else so we gave him the blue apron thing and he was so excited he he did one of them tonight i don't know how it went but i'm gonna call but he did say he did text uh i'm gonna try the blue apron oh yeah he said

i'm gonna i'm gonna give the blue apron a go but Burger King is open until 10, so I'm safe either way. He does need a pan and a stove. She said he did have equipment. He had the basic stuff, but he just had four condiments in the pan. But that's all you need with Blue Apron is just a pan. No, they give you. They have all the condiments. Every single thing except a pan.

Well, the only thing I've noticed that they don't give you that you would expect, and I understand why, is olive oil. Olive oil. Because they assume you have... Yeah, the assault. That's the one thing. Of course. And I get why.

Well, Chad actually did some due diligence against the competitors and said, they're definitely the fanciest ones. Yes. Oh, no doubt. I'm going to go call them and see how it went, and then I'll come back. I swear to God. Well, you don't have that kind of time. Yes, you do.

Well, we just fake how it went. Someone's directing the show. I think she told you. You tell him, Bingo. So, Chad, yeah, Chad has actually experienced competitors, and he was actually impressed with how much was included. Well, for my listeners, you would buy this to impress a chick, which if you're listening to me, you probably don't have a chick.

So that's what you want to do. Or you're plotting revenge. Yeah. Always not lost. BurgerKing.com sent me a cheeseburger I could microwave. Oh, well, I have BlueApron.com that I can make you. What do you got, Tom? Let's see.

Is this what you've cooked one of these? Yeah. Actually, I cook all of them at some point. Before Bingo started giving it all away? One box at a time? Exactly. Giving it all away one box at a time giving it all away yeah this one the most recent one was uh it was pork and cabbage tacos which when i looked at it i'm

like pork and cabbage tacos what the oh fuck they were fucking great it's uh it has pineapple and pickled jalapeno salsa jalapeno salsa and uh go back to the spice thing they have the every one of these blue aprons have these little uh they're little bags they call them knickknacks and this one has it's the spices anytime they have it's called mexican spice blend i don't know what they put in that but i could pour that on most anything and it's fucking killer and uh that was it it was great tacos and um everything is like it's just unique things i would not think to put together it comes this cabbage repulses me but i on a street taco that's what i was gonna say this when i was on that last tour, street tacos with cabbage.

The only reason I like lettuce is crunchy, but you have to get the crunchy. I know iceberg lettuce is fucking awful, but you get the crunchy part. The crunch part. That's what you want in a taco. Fresh onions. Cabbage is good. Fresh onions are repulsive unless matched with cilantro on a street taco. There you go. And cabbage.

Crunchy. And it has a different taste than when it's sweated up. It's dumb. Everything perfect with just the crunch. Yeah, I mean, what do I know about it? But I know as a person that likes to eat, they put it together. It's not just blind fuck. Everything is pre-portioned and labeled in bags.

And then the knick-knack bags, because it's three meals in every box, the knick-knack bags are three different bags that have all the small stuff together. And it says what it's for. It makes you feel like you're fucking smart when you suck at cooking. There you go. I can just read basic things, and I can make some, and then I can tell my friends at work oh I had the almond

encrusted trout almondine thank you Tracy the almond encrusted trout almondine yeah whatever it is it makes you sound like you're fucking cool I fly to Africa to get frequent flyer miles

I never leave the airport. But I can come back home and say, oh, I just got back from Africa. I was just trying to score some fucking Delta frequent flyer miles, but I don't tell them that. I tell them, I was just on a sojourn in Africa. Clean up on mic three. What happened? That's why we don't have a baby go boo scratch and sniff holy fuck did you have a did you have another announcement yeah that was bring that up again we'll vote on did you finish what you're doing extra kale that's what I was trying to say he had kale left over

and he hates kale but he had kale left over the first time we got it it came with kale and I go oh this is not bad usually kale repulses me because the people who talk about kale that's who repulses you he was really excited about it

he's going to try the other two meals but he just had extra kale and kale was in it he's not a fan He was really excited about it. He's going to try the other two meals, but he just had extra kale and kale that was in it. He's not a fan of kale. So he had extra kale, and he's sitting alone in a house by himself. Yeah, he is alone by himself right now. Does he know that Blue Apron will actually deliver that to him right to his door while he sits alone and cries? He's just waiting for it to come from us, I'm pretty sure.

That train stopped. He's addicted now. You can actually pick the day that it arrives, and you can actually stop it at any time. There's no commitment. Well, he doesn't have olive oil, so fuck y'all. Oh, yeah. Fuck y'all.

I bet he has extra olive oil. He's saving for you porn. Not a sponsor, but I'm a fan. Okay, I'm going to bed. Night. All right. Love you, bingo. Blueapron.com.

Do free shipping. That's where I was going. You get your first three meals free, which ropes our audience in columbia house record and tape tape a penny to the thing come on we're talking to the 60 year olds tonight uh yeah get your first three meals free and if you suck at cooking and you can't read basic directions on gourmet meals well fuck, fuck you. We'll cancel you. You want to cancel us?

We'll cancel you. Send me Twitter pictures of the blueapron.com meal you made. If it looks like shit, I'm going to call Blue Apron myself and go, fuck you, cancel that guy. He stinks at the easiest thing in the world, and he got it free. Fuck that guy. He at the easiest thing in the world and he got it free fuck that guy he can't read pictures blueapron.com cooking the what's their goddamn catchphrase a better way to cook a a better way to cook a better better way to cook than the way Tom Konopka said it.

An even better way than Tom said it. Way to cook. All right, we're back. Bert Kreischer, Doug Stanhope podcast, Swapcast, live at the Roy Allen Bisbee, May 20th. Sold out. Yep. That was quick.

A lot of people traveling a long way. I've gotten some tweets and so yeah. It sold out. I posted it in the morning only through the website. Not through the website. Only through email. I put out a blast. Because I said, look, we'll do it for like 24 hours and see how it

goes it was like it wasn't even it was a couple hours i don't know why the fuck we do shows why i spent all this time and all those stacks of papers and yellow legal pads over there trying to write material we could just go out and fuck off and do live podcasts this would be fun i mean because i have it's like the first time I went snowboarding. I'd skied forever. And snowboarding, you go slower, but there's an amount of danger because you don't know what the fuck is happening.

The way you move down the mountain is different. And it's like, you don't go faster, but it's scary because you don't know what's going to happen. I have no idea how this... I talked to Shadi earlier. I don't even know how we're going to hook up the equipment. I know Bert was down for it immediately it sold out as quick as we could ever want something to sell out and yeah now we got to put on a show and and everyone is game for whatever happens yeah these things when we're podcasting yeah we get fucked up but

if people are paying money and gonna show up and stare you in the face, you put some effort into it. Yeah, but not so much that it sounds like a show. It's not a, hey, we worked on it. There's no rehearsal time. This is no Ziegfeld Follies. Chad, you're hard to work with. Shank, you missed another rehearsal and we have a show on. I can't be expected to deal like this. What are you talking about?

Yeah. But yeah, we will put effort. Fine! Doing the Doug Stan open friends. The run you just did? Well, we've done a few like that. It's the same, only it's

I go up first and then bring out someone. Rather than have two people in front of me, I go out first and do a chunk of time. I do the same amount of time, but it seems to, no one's complained. It works great. People pay attention to the people in front of you. The problem with so many clubs is that over the course of decades, it's don't you go leaving.

I have to pee. Go pee. You go pee. You have a dragon costume on. I know it's going to take a while. All right. You're not using the urinal. But so many clubs in nowhere towns. Yeah, I get it that Des Moines or whatever

might not have a huge stock of comics to choose from, so they get an open-miker to do 15 up front, and then they get a better open-miker just getting his feet in the water to do 25, and then Bill Burr comes, and they go, well, let's show up 40 minutes late because we don't want to have to sit through these guys

so I don't bring shitty comics you bring headliners and it's worked out so I do time up front time in the middle and then I close it out and it's been fun so we're doing that in Boston

we'll do as much of that as possible in the southeast don't know a lot of headliners that are hanging around in spartanburg south carolina but you know what i just got an email today from carlos valencia he said hey i want to stop in on a bunch of your shows i'm back back in Charlotte now. Yeah, we'll work it out. What? That's our first date. That's the 10th. You never know,

because when we first started doing this in August, I think it was, where we had... The Dive Bar. Wait, August of when? Something similar to Dive Bar in Vegas. Coming into that. That's kind of where it started.

Well, we had a lot then, because we made a big party out of it. Yeah, yeah. But Roseanne showed up on oh that tour at colorado springs and then she came and showed up in salt lake cool morgan murphy out of the blue is gonna be in boston she's i am gonna be in new york anyway i was gonna come up well fuck you're on the show no that's not what I wanted it's too late you already told me so we got Junior Stopka

and Morgan there Erickson's coming on the southeast chunk oh my god fucking Hennigan we don't know what's going on with Hennigan but that's a date he added more we were going to call it the ping pong tour

just because he has us going we landed Atlanta, drive to Charlotte, drive back to Athens, go up to Asheville, fucking all over. Just back and forth. I do want to say

Subway series. There you go. He did add the 14th in Greensboro, North Carolina at the Idiot Box Comedy Club. The... Where was the other one? Shit. Oh, right here. On the 21st, Charleston, South Carolina at Burns Alley.

And the 23rd in Savannah at the Barrel House. So I think that's locked down now. He's out of the country now, and he hasn't even booked the rest of the fucking tour. It is an odd way to do it. There's a method to the madness. There is. There is.

Should I bring a sleeping bag? Well, it's a great thing. Carlos Valencia, he's local, so he could drive four hours home after a show. He's going to come? Sure, come. Well, he did the tour with Junior a long time ago when I first started working with you full time.

Actually, I was still at Coos. Oh, yeah, that's when we bought those original Kings of Comedy matching suits. Bingo, too. And the guy thought I was like some, he told me, original kings of comedy matching suits bingo too and the guy thought I was like you told me hey Shaley act gay like you're like the dude who's gonna pay for all this like you're like the sugar daddy

so I'd try some swishy voice I don't think they cared no they didn't care five fucking white people buying fucking off-the-rack suits. They have their own podcast, but they're laughing about us. They had one guy that was just a hype man.

So anyone who was getting fitted for the suit, you would stand in front of the mirror and he would just sidle up to you and go, man, the shop, look at that. Look at that. Yeah, you fly. Those shoes is you. I mean, it was just one of those things.

All of them. Yeah. Yeah, so it's going to be a fun tour. Boston, never fun. But after that. You're loading the deck, though. You got Junior and Morgan with you. I mean, you love fun.

Oh, yeah. No, it's just i i know too many people there and i'm i'll be it'll be such an in and out gig that i won't be selling merch and then but i have friends i grew up with yeah and i'm not gonna be able to hang out this time yeah i usually do even when i don't want to, even when I can't. But this time, I really can't. I got to get the final draft of the book done. I got to actually work on jokes. I hate it. So, yeah, that'll suck.

I got one. Take my wife. I haven't finished it yet. Thank you, Douglas. Let's take a quick break and uh plug some shit that you're you're gonna love it well you know let's just do them now you know we can do let's i'm gonna be honest mac weldon oh listen what i'm gonna do for you Mack Weldon, is I have to keep some kind of integrity.

And you sent me the product. I haven't worn it yet because I have not showered in eight days. Let me guess. It's bingo. That's Mack Weldon. Hey, Bingo. No, it's Mack Weldon. Hey, Bingo, thanks for calling during the podcast you walked out on. Oh, fuck you. I'm just trying to say, come into the loft and let me know how to use this fucking remote

and come to bed with me. I will as soon as I'm done work, honey. What are you doing? What are you talking about? Is it really that important? I don't think so. Come to bed. No, we're talking about Mack Weldon for Daily Wear.

Okay, Mack Weldon for Daily Wear. Okay. Come to fucking bed. Bye. Bye. Yes, Bingo's feeling a lot better. Yeah, I love you too you should have told her it was actually underpants

because then she would have understood alright Mack Weldon this is why I'm going to give you we have a redo but I am legendary for and bingo as well we

we're averse to uh bathing the same way a heroin addict is uh but we don't do the heroin it's just it's so much trouble to take off your clothes i like where this is going well where it's going you're gonna have to deal with my friend because it's going on three and a half weeks on the road where i'm going to shower for the first time in nine days tomorrow night when i get my hotel room before my 6 a.m flight out of tucson to boston and i'm going to put on mac weldon sent me socks underwear and an undershirt that i will be wearing for at least nine more days beautiful you know the beauty of it doug and i'm wearing mac weldon right now are you doing it i got the air air net i'm listen listen you gave me the shit you said this is who's uh sponsoring us and i told you openly well obviously you can feel it yeah this is i'm a guy that i i

bring burner socks on the road i go to walmart and i get just a giant package of 12 pairs of socks and i just throw them away i have that kind of fuck you money that I can spend 65 cents a day. I could feed a starving child, but no. I'll throw away a pair of socks. And then for the evening, I put on dress socks that match my suit

because it's important. So when you give me undershirt, you can tell. Oh, they're soft. Oh, socks. They're nice. Not the fucking 65-cent socks I wear during the day

when I'm traipsing through a flying jade truck stop. And yeah, so I can tell it's good. But they say they have, oh, we have this silver fucking lining thing. That was what I was going to say. Odor eating. It's a. It's a. Micro butter.

They have a line of silver underwear and shirts that are naturally anti-microbial. Oh, fucking hell. Microbial. Anti-microbial. It's easy for you to say. It's that. I can't say it, but you know what? I also can't smell it.

And that's the whole point. It means it naturally eliminates odor. Oh, thank you. Well, we're going to put you to the test, Mack Weldon. No one is... Oh, fuck. I wish we had... What do you mean?

It's too late now. But we could get it on the road. If they can send a junior stopka oh junior stopka is he'll break the silver he has this weird aversion where he believes that uh underarm deodorant has shit that's going to cause him cancer. And he stinks badly. There is some bad shit, but there's alternatives. There's an aluminum component to most deodorants.

Yeah, aluminum chlorhydrate. It is bad for you. So he doesn't, but instead of searching out an alternative method, he won't use anything. And then we're stuck in the tour van for three weeks. The best one is behind the merch booth. He's killed at least a third of the merch sales.

Tom, there's no product names associated here because he will not try it. He won't do anything. So what I'm going to do, I'm going to give you, this is the read for Mack Weldon products. Look good in theory. I have not used them, but I will give you updates as I will genuinely wear them for as long as possible until someone on the tour says I stink. I'm uncomfortable in them, whatever it is yeah i i'm behind mac weldon in theory and we'll give you updates

that were not even paid for on the road wow mac weldon yeah there's no tagline there's no catch no no i was gonna give them the uh oh all right let me this. So if you're like me and you spend days without showering or changing your underpants and your socks and your T-shirt, you fall down in them, sweat through them with the booze sweats. So try it. Go to macweldon.com and get 20% off using the promo code. Use promo code Doug. Because if you order this and you don't like the results,

they'll give you your money back. Mack Weldon. Oh. Some thank yous. I've forgotten that I keep finding as I try to clean up as everyone makes it dirtier. Squeaky Tiki sent

some posters. We had two posters arrive. That was from a while ago. I'll get it. No, that's Squeaky Tiki over there. I got that one. It's a 3D poster and he sent 3D glasses that are now sitting on the...

That's what those were. 3D posters from at Squeaky on the... Oh, that's what those were. All right. Yeah, 3D posters from at Squeaky Tiki. I don't know. Yeah. But who's the other? Chaley. Here, here, Tom.

Oh. It'd be like when you smoked a joint with Bob Marley. When I was with Bob Marley, yeah. Let me see. Check it out, dude. I'm actually putting them on. Whoa. Oh, trippy, man. Oy, ay, reeman.

By the way, I did find the other glasses when we were sharing glasses, and I asked you, do you have the other pair? I found them. What you have to do is, not you, but me, I have to actually clean up here and there, and then you find shit. Anyway, Squeaky Tiki, thank you for the, and who's the other posters that showed up? There's a giant roll.

I hate... Some guy named D. But it's from hotdamarts.com. But he sent a bunch of them. Like Weird Al Yankovic, John Waters. No effects. There was no effects. The first one was no effects.

Really? Yeah, unroll that. What was on the top? Unfurl it. Yes. Unfurl it. Here it comes. Go ahead, Mr. Furley.

That's why I hate posters, is because you pull them out of the fucking tube, and then I can never squeeze them back. Yeah, never get them back in. You got to put the tube in the dude. Junior, stop good jokes. put the tube in the dude junior stop good jokes another thank you is uh kim and tim rosenbach sent me uh some delta free drink coupons you know i'm a delta guy but turns out tim rosenbach Turns out Tim Rosenbach was the quarterback for, back then I assume it was the Phoenix Cardinals, now the Arizona Cardinals, my team, because I root for the team where I live, not where I'm from. Tim Rosenbach was the quarterback for the Phoenix or Arizona Cardinals in 1990.

Oh, wow. When I started comedy. Wait a minute. They've gone back that far, the Cardinals? Oh, yeah. The Mankey stories. They played at Sun Devil Stadium back then, and he would trade VIP comedy club passes for tickets.

No one cared about the fucking Cardinals. They still don't, but I do. Tim and Kim Rosenbach sent me some free drink coupons for Delta Airlines. Now, because I didn't hit status because somebody had to go into a coma when I would usually do my crazy flights to hit fucking ultimate premiere god damn diamond status now I'm down to gold you dropped down? I'm gold

oh you didn't when I called it premiere line they go thank you for calling the gold desk which is two tiers down someone may be with you yeah I'm not even platinum. I'm gold.

It's fucking humiliating. What happened, dude? I don't... I'll tell you what happened. A coma happened. But, I mean, she was out. You could have... You could have just chipped around.

I know. I play with the morality of... I could have... Well, she was not with it anyway. I could have flown all over the world and been fucking Diamond. Delta doesn't care about me. But Tim Rosenbach, who, yeah,

he was a quarterback in 1990 when I was doing comedy and not paying attention and couldn't afford Cardinals tickets at Sun Devil Stadium. Or drinks. Two free drinks. comedy and not paying attention and couldn't afford Cardinals tickets at Sun Devil Stadium. Or drinks. Two free drinks. So that's it.

I don't know if I mentioned Karen Hunsaker last time. Hunsaker? Hunsaker? She sent some flowers to Bingo. I don't know. There's shit all over this place. I don't remember to say. Who has other thank yous?

I want to thank, which I wanted to do on the last podcast, Richard Vier, V-I-A-R, Vier, V-I-R. He sent me the water bottle for the dogs. Oh, that's where that came from. I thought it was those three people that fucking showed up at our house. This is Richard, Richie V. Richie V., thank you. Ichabod loves it.

Henry doesn't want to have any fucking thing to do with anything that's new. So I appreciate that, brother. And to Blake from Baton Rouge that left the paint and the brushes, we appreciate that. Gretchen will get those. Shawnee, her better half, was just here working on the fun house that he primarily built. And he's bringing them back to her as we speak.

So thank you, Blake. Thank you, Richie V. You guys all look a lot better in these 3D fucking glasses. The whole funhouse lights up. So yeah, this is a no effects. I didn't see it. It's Bert and Ernie. Yeah, it's no effects.

Yeah, that's great. Check it out. Yeah. And a bunch of other ones too. Sesame Street themed no effects. Very cool. Those will be going into merch. So go buy some merch at DougSandhoop.com.

Those are some real nice ones. All right, what do you have for thank yous? I think that was it. I was thinking the guy who did that. Oh, and the guy who sent all the box of Bibles. I know I'm missing shit. Ozzy sent $100 to Chad Shank. And those three weird people that did show up, there was a hundred and

forty dollars on the bar in the morning that is unaccounted for that maybe they left us. You never know. I got a shit in your toilet, here's a buck forty. I don't know. Maybe that's what a shit goes for these days. Apparently so. She was a nice gal. I want to say that.

They were all nice and they left a thank you note saying hey uh we appreciate uh the in not invite but the uh welcome letting us in and the insults because all we did was insult them yeah uh on the air or we were recording it will probably never be released no yeah if we never released the maryland manson podcast which i've still not listened to four hours of that i i'm gonna i'm like toying with the idea of it being like pay-per-view yeah because uh it'll be i have to listen to equivalent of geraldo opening the vault. Yes.

Because if I have to listen to it again to edit it, I have to get paid. There's no way. Well, we're going back on the road, so Chaley, we'll get paid. See us in the southeast. Just go to my website. And if you're not on the mailing list, don't give me shit. Well, I didn't get tickets to Boston. Well, we tell you where we're playing on the mailing list first.

Yeah, we could sell out small theaters, but we'd rather spend our time in small bars, and you'll get fucked. I prefer 60 people to 6,000 people, and I'll be dead. All right, let's get back to the podcast i'm getting into that mood let me put on my game face and get back into podcast mode all right we were doing uh well we've been doing a lot of imdb stuff what's that fucking guy well it was uh this started on the road where the guy from uh breaking bad the chicken guy the chicken shop owner the black guy the one who ran the chicken

shop that had the the facility underground yeah i saw him after Breaking Bad was over in two different movies in the most random spots. One is Stir Crazy, where the famous scene, Richard Pryor and Gene Wilder, where they get sent into prison. They get jailed the first day, act bad. I'm bad. I'm bad. Yeah, we're bad. Yeah, we're bad.

We're bad. And then the two giant black guys going yeah what you in here for yeah yeah there's three teenagers sitting next to him that are believing their bullshit yeah and one of them is the guy that dude no shit and then and then a week later young kid doing the same shit. Just some random movie that I saw him in. Anyway. Cool. What's the guy's name?

Charles? Dutton? No, the guy that you were telling me about. Are you talking about Clarence Williams IIIs the third yeah he was in fucking purple rain oh yeah i know that guy or i met that guy i met that guy absolutely did the mod squad guy yeah mod squad yeah absolutely every time i mentioned something like i love lucy or something i feel like we're the guys that are i remember like just when we were the people who are probably listening to this probably 30 probably median age i guess 30 and yeah they're talking about uh milton burl may west so so tell me the story oh well there's a segue no i you you opened it up well

you said uh you started to tell me and i go no fucking save it for the podcast yeah no well uh this goes way back uh it's just a good memory in new york city my god how do you say 75 yeah it was a long i said it was a long time ago i was nine yeah i was i don't know where i was but i was i was young but all i know is you said central park i i went into central park this was this was around 1975 i had it was a year before i graduated high school and uh i would typically go typically it's difficult to say with this uh go into the city to just to watch whether it was performers or visit martial arts schools or anything, jazz clubs. Or glory holes. Or glory holes. That's a given. And so on a Saturday, I went over with my mother and my younger sister, Lynn. And it was called the One-to-One Festival.

And what it was, I don't know if they still do it. They may. I don't know. But at the time, it was from all the different boroughs. They would bring in children that were mentally handicapped, whether it was Down syndrome or whatever. And they would bring in... I think both of those words are wrong. Yeah. Let's go with it.

But they would bus people, the children in by themselves. But there were thousands of them from Brooklyn, from the Bronx. And we grew up in North Jersey. So we had to take a train into the city. And what they did in Central Park, it was beautiful. It was for these children. I think it was McDonald's and maybe Burger King. I'm going to interrupt you because I'm going on this train of thought. At some point, it's a charitable thing for mentally handicapped people.

You don't use those words. You know at some point, someone was fighting against slavery going, niggers are equals. No! And now you don't use that word. I was fighting for what you said! Sorry.

I was trying to be as politically correct. Exactly. And so these children would come in, and it was on a Saturday. what you said sorry i was trying to be as politically correct these were exactly and so these children would come in uh and it was on a saturday and again but it was about a hundred thousand people they would wait a hundred thousand mentally handicapped no these were the people that came in that's a slow line you're terrible and uh so when they would come in on the buses there were thousands and thousands of people that would basically chaperone them to all around central park there was free food there was you know finger painting and different arts and crafts and that went on all day it was like a it was like a little woodstock for for children it was beautiful stop laughing tracy it was

beautiful we're picturing all the arts. I know. This is what we do. The buses and the lengths of the bus. Yeah, no, it's good. This is why I chose this story. We're trying not to swing at T-balls here. So we're there all day. We had a great time. All the children, everybody had a great time. And when they got off the bus, they got this little thing that was their name and their phone number and at the end of the day you would bring them back to where you got them initially at this point yeah where you rented them exactly and uh but make sure you got

them back safe so we did that try telling a story on the stanhope podcast with three people sorry i know i know this is what we do the continuity continuity. This would be an eight-hour fucking story. It's one of Tommy's short stories that became long. So Saturday, we do that. The next day, it was fantastic. A beautiful thing, and I hope they still do that. The next day, I go back into the city, and I was going back in to go visit a martial arts school. Actually, it was in Chinatown.

And before I even got anywhere near there, I walked by the park. Now, it wasn't the exact same spot. They had what I now know, looking back, I actually researched it, there were thousands and thousands of people. There was some type of a concert going on Sunday. I didn't know this. I looked out.

I said, oh, is there a second day to this festival with the children? It was somebody. It was a performer. So I think it was called, I wrote it down, it's called the Schaefer Music Festival. I don't know if they still do it. It was very popular back then.

So now, bingo. We won't even tell you what she did. These mics are good. Yeah, those peanuts are really good. She just farted on me through her dinosaur outfit. Bingo farting. Fortunately, it does not have to be dry cleaned the kids from the bus so now we're back to sunday bingo stop so now we're back to sunday bingo's wandering around farting on everybody in the podcast it's the waffles and she doesn't know how to yelp or itune review this podcast that's the only review i care

about so it's sunday now i go back through central park they obviously had it was thousands of people within the late afternoon i was walking through and i just decided i was going to walk through this sea of people there were a lot of blankets and there was but there were mainly adults there were no children and i was, what the hell is this? So I was walking towards this stage, and most people were all seated. And walking towards me was who we just said, Clarence Williams III. Google it. Pause the podcast.

Google it. Oh, fuck, that guy. Of course I know that guy. Yeah, I mean, the guy, I even wrote it down for people that they may not know, but he was on the Mod Squad, which was an incredibly popular show at that time, from 68 to 73. But he's a Tony Award winner. Clarence Williams III, he was an American gangster with Denzel Washington,

Half-Baked, Purple Rain, Reindeer Games, endless. They just read all that when they paused the podcast. But they didn't read it that quickly. They just saw his face and went, oh, that guy, yeah. No, but hopefully some of them do. But when I saw him, this was just two years after the Mod Squad, 75. So he had the afro, the perfect afro.

And he's a huge star. And he was a huge star, and he had the black aviator glasses. To catch up my younger fans, it's like Tom Selleck right after Magnum. Tom Selleck. Your younger fans. Forgive him, Clarence,ick. You're younger fans. Forgive him, Clarence. Yeah.

For my younger fans. But this brother, believe me, this brother was hip. This brother, people loved him. And so walking towards me, and no one was saying shit to him, I'm going towards the stage wondering who the fuck's going to be performing that night. It's a Sunday night. I see. I recognize.

It's Clarence Williams III. His character was Link on the Mod Squad. And I just pointed to him. I go's clarence williams the third his character was link on the mod squad and i just pointed to i go clarence williams the third and he stopped and he said why yes and he had the big smile on his face i said brother i said i love you on mod squad he said oh that's very nice i said i wish that was still on he said hi me too well what are you doing he says he's working on a movie whatever the small talk was it was what he was doing and He says, he's working on a movie, whatever the small talk was, it was what he was doing. And I'm looking for a 17 year old white boys in central park. What'd you do?

That was a brace that you collect. Yeah. That was another movie. But, but he said to me, this is, this is it. He said, are you here for the music?

I remember that exactly. I said, yes, but I was just flowing with it. I wasn't, I had no fucking idea who or what i was just absolutely thrilled to see somebody it'd be like right now you go you see brad peter or angela still fucking starstruck by bucket junior stopka as well junior liked something i

was absolutely starstruck so he said are you here for the music i said yeah he stopped what he was doing he said well come with me he turned around we're about maybe 50 yards from the stage and there were already people setting up instruments and there were a lot of like bongo drums and all this stuff i had no idea as we walked toward the stage there were people saying clarence how you doing clarence he said is he is he here yet and they said yeah we'll send him out so now we go to the side of the stage and the people were less than maybe 10 or 15 yards from the stage we're in the open but to the side to the right of the stage and clarence just said to me he said hey man you get high now this is i was in high school yeah i've been getting high you know smoking weed for a couple years we i smoked

with my teachers this was the dazed and confused, right? Yeah. That time. I said, yeah. So he pulls out this little pin joint and we're passing it back and forth. It took maybe three or four minutes. And then this guy came from stage right through this door, down these steps.

He had dreadlocks. He had black vest, jeans on, big smile. And he's like, hey, Clarence, how you doing? He comes up, he hugs Clarence. I didn't even tell Clarence my name. He said, this is my friend. I said, Tom. And he hugged me.

And then he hugged Clarence. And Clarence now went to pass him this little pin joint. He looked at him, he said, Clarence, please. He just threw it over his shoulder. And he opened up his vest. This is true, honest to God. He pulled out not a big spleefiff but like a tampon size you know the big fucking how's your cheech and chong hey there you go it was a big way to paint it i can't wait

to put that in my mouth what cheech and chong were smoking before the prop giant joint came up there you go that was i thought you're gonna say watches when he opened up his yeah yeah yo check it out i got the watches check we got the rolling yeah so so now he said clarence yeah you're all fucking busted but he said clarence he he joked threw it away and he lit this fucking big fucking joint up but now he's inhaling talking he's and it's just billow bellow the smoke, billowing. And we're just laughing. He handed it to me. I took a hit, handed it to Clarence. And we went around maybe two or three times.

And then he just was looking around. Now the sun's going down. There's now almost maybe 50,000 people, at least. It was a huge thing. But I didn't know who the fuck the guy was. I truly didn't. And he's just saying, and he's looking out. The guy was so fucking nice, genuinely nice. He's saying, look. And he's just saying, and he's looking out, the guy was so fucking nice, genuinely nice.

He's saying, look, and he had a Jamaican accent, and he's, look at how nice this is, man. It should be like this every day. Look what a beautiful sunset. And we're like, yeah, yeah. He says, well, I got to go, and they're calling him. Like, hey, the show's about to start. So now, prior to him leaving, I said,

well, I'm going to have to leave. I got to get back to Jersey. I got to take the, he says, aren't you going to stay for my music, man? I said, well, I'm going to have to leave. I've got to get back to Jersey. I've got to take the. He says, aren't you going to stay for my music, man? I said, well, yeah. I said, but I can't stay for the whole concert. But he said, as long as you hear some of it, it'll make me feel good. I said, absolutely.

So I hugged him. He goes on stage. They're about to start. I looked at Clarence Williams III. I said, hey, brother, man, thank you so much. I just, I walked slowly away. It ended up, it was fucking Bob Marley if you didn't already see that all coming well I

heard the really shitty Jamaican accent I tried not to I could have done it as my Johnny Rotten accent I was trying not to do the accent heavily but it was fucking Bob Marley and then I got home it was a trip because then when then I got home not that it was a trip

because then when I finally got home I called my friend good friend of mine this was the guy I believe his name a long time ago I did he's the guy that was in Hoboken

when we saw the mobsters that said who the fuck put on Sinatra from podcast 162 there's the callback oh that was podcast number 162 yeah and that was my number? 162.

Yeah, and that was my buddy. I called him. He already said it. Yeah, well, he said it again. You can say that again. And I called him. I said, dude, you won't believe it. I was in fucking Central Park. I saw Link from the Motswap, Clarence Williams III.

And there was some fucking guy. There was some concert. He was singing. He said, what guy? He said, well, this guy. I said, dude, it's on was singing. He said, what guy? He said, well, this guy. I said, dude, it's on the news. He said, that's Bob Marley. And the name was familiar, but it wasn't that popular at the time.

I remember I shot the sheriff in No Woman, No Cry. But I really didn't know. Three Little Birds? Yeah, Three Little Birds, Rhinestone Cowboy, all that shit. I was told at the Hennigan, they should just call reggae music Bob Marley because that's all you ever hear. But the rap on it is that the guy, not only was Clarence fucking great,

because he played a lot of militant characters, you know, which was typical at that time. It was basically, you know, kill white. They didn't play bankers back then. Yeah. And he played it, but he played it beautifully as he should he's an actor but marley was so fucking genuinely nice and i see young kids and i've watched it for 40 years with you know one love 20 year olds with bob marley i think to myself it was a privilege for me to meet this guy who genuinely was a genuinely loving

fucking human being no one was looking at race except I'm talking about it now because it's relevant. He really was a genuinely loving fucking cat. And I wonder when people wear them if they know how great that guy truly was. There is my fucking story. You smoked a joint with Bob Marley. It was his shit too. I know, but you didn't even say that. No, no, I did say that.

You buried the lead. Yeah, no, I mean, but you didn't even say that. No, no, I did say that. You buried the lead. Yeah, no, I mean, that's, he was, I said it went around three times. That was, I definitely. No, I mean, you talked about that, but I'm saying when you're reflecting on it, it's like, oh, one love and then everything we felt. No, you smoked a fucking joint, Bob Marley.

No, but that is huge. It was the ganja. That gets you. I smoked sacred ganja with the great Bob Marley. You lucked up and fucked up. It was beautiful. Because there was how many thousands of people in that park going, Jesus, I want to smoke a joint with Bob Marley.

What's that fucking, what's that kid doing? Yeah. Who's the kid? Yeah, and we were out. What's he, some fucking Jewish lawyer's kid? No, that is definitely not. I paid money for this concert he just walks in and they sweep him up bill graham's nephew gets in here what the fuck graham there's a reference

yeah and they actually filmed it i didn't even know they were they filmed that so if you look back at somewhere in the archives of central park marley around 1975 yeah i think it was called the schaefer concerts in the Park or Schaefer something If you go on YouPorn and you look up Old Black on Young White Don't make me laugh

Chilling porn Type in in Google Go to Google and type in Saturday in the Park It'll come up It was a Sunday. Didn't you follow this story? No, I did, but I want to throw everyone off the scent.

Well, there's a simple story. It's a great story. And yes, I did smoke with the great Bob Marley and the great Clarence Williamson. There was a treat. I tell people, none of them may know who Clarence until you refer them like, oh yeah, that you're tony award winner but was barley marley was first of all tony award winner makes it sound like it's someone you shouldn't know because but in new york tony is rather is a very relevant to new york reference i mean we know what it means yeah

not tony talk i don't yeah i've. I've talked about this a million times on stage, that fucking plays are irrelevant. And they still... In the fucking local paper, not the Bisbee Observer with the police beat, but the... Not the real paper. We swap with...

Sierra Vista has like 40,000 people. 39.5 are military. That town wouldn't exist. But that's where you have to go for box stores. It's 25 miles away. Closest Asian market. Same newspaper. Here it's the Bisbee Review.

There it's the Sierra Vista Herald. Here it comes. Same paper, but one fucking page every day. That's a daily paper. Yeah. That paper is something from the New York Times. Yes. And it's a daily paper yeah is something from the new york times yes and it's a broadway review yeah where they're lucky to get a children's rodeo they have no like why do you and i've called up again hey by the way if i email you something shitty or tweet something shitty at you look at the time it's probably between 3 a.m and 8 a.m

when i hate myself so much i have to take it out on people so if you sent me an email and i go what the fuck fuck you you fucking fuck that's because i have to deflect that hatred and if you're not available i make phone calls and one of the phone calls i regularly make is to the sierra vista herald or bisbee review same paper that's going why do you have fucking all this new york bullshit no one cares about a fucking sculpture thing in you. You have a military audience. No one gives a shit about the latest play in fucking Shakespeare in the park. You're in Sierra Vista.

Some people know they don't. They give you that human interest thing. People are interested in what's happening elsewhere. In New York, always in new york about things no one cares about in new york and the one time i was bitching at you about this it was uh some article about i was involved it wasn't about me but no we talked about on one of the prior podcasts we've talked about everything yeah prior podcast i've talked about everything in my act that you're about to see i

probably talked about before and you'll see it and hear it again yeah it's not going to be the same words and yeah i i can't be bill maher and fake outrage at every fucking news story every week i don't give a shit about trump or anything yeah i still care about the same things i'll change it up you'll you're all drunks anyway. Fuck you. I still listen to What Is and What Should Never Be by Zeppelin. Silence, what? I love Zeppelin. Go ahead.

Well, that would probably. We listen to favorite songs over and over again. That's the point. You carry on themes. There you go. Popics and themes. Your themes are recurring. You bring them up. There you go. Topics and themes. Your themes are recurring and you bring them up.

You're fresh. I mean, you pull out a DVD and then you start all over. Well, the problem is I've been doing it for 26 years, but in my head, everyone's heard every single thing that I've ever said.

No, we heard that in 96. Wasn't really fleshed out. That's what you're listening too hard motherfucker i know that's why i like this whole new format i love it i love that it like like now we have the data behind it that you're doing at least the amount that you would do if you did a straight set from the start. And the courteous aspect of actually going to a show when a fucking show starts. You don't show up when...

You're starting when everyone is there to watch the show. You don't show up 40 minutes in. I love the training that's happening here yeah it's intelligent smart it's because you can do that because we're working sundays through thursdays they're they're usually dark rooms and we can do whatever the fuck we want and uh i i like that aspect always said that before i quit i'm just gonna stop doing friday saturdays i don't think

we're doing saturdays on this tour maybe one no we have uh three nights three nights off like you i stopped doing new year's eve at least over well over a decade ago worst uh and now we're down i want to get yeah just get the fucking people that know how to get out of a job on a Tuesday. Yeah, you're going to get fucked up. Yeah, that's what we do. Yeah, Tuesday is the big night. Thank God it's Tuesday.

Thank God it's Tuesday. Let's start a fucking chain of restaurants. Yeah, TGIT. Thank God it's Tuesday. There's only open Tuesdays. Yeah. And we overpour. And then John Taffer comes in and says,

you know how much money you're losing? You go, yeah, you can't take it with you. And then we punch him in his big fucking sock puppet head. I get a lot of ideas when I'm drinking and Tracy's pouring. Yeah, we only have one day that's not a Saturday off. Because we have two Saturdays off on this next run, and we have one Tuesday off, which is probably going to be filled in. Good.

But that was my theory as running promotions and stuff at bars. If you can come into a bar and you can tell them, what's your worst day? What's your fucking worst day? And they go, Mondays. I will make your Mondays be your second worst day you're valuable to me i want that's what i i don't want to i don't want you to make a a monday night be a friday night i want you to beat what the worst day of the week is this last that's how you build it that california run that we did was mostly comedy clubs,

improvs, levity live, and Hennigan was around. Kumba, Kumamba. Hennigan. And I always enjoy the answers. He always asked the staff, who's the worst comedian? He still does that? Yes, he does. And I i love it because i want to know

because it's corporate comedy so they get a lot of people they run through a lot of of celebrities yeah and the guys that we used to hear uh the same three no it's not but those guys aren't working as much anymore but but the one on this tour that we heard over and over from every green room waitress who is the worst comedian you had to deal with in the green room biggest cocksucker like because we try to be nice and again i have to point out levity live in oxnard went far and beyond what they needed to do and again there's a new name but he made the news today with a kangaroo good day so i'll just uh i'll leave it at that that came up his name came up as the new prick of having to deal with a fucking comic the staff is your fucking lifeline the bartender is your god don't ever be a fucking prick

mike epps sorry sorry yes it rhymes i don't even know who he is yeah he's a he's a guy. That video's pretty disgusting. I didn't watch the video. Joby and I were watching it, and Joby's like, I don't even know who that guy is, but what the fuck is going on here? No idea who he is. It looked like a hip-hop show.

I'm glad I missed it. Yeah, and I'm like, are you mocking a kangaroo in front of other kangaroos? Every comedy club we worked, that was like, oh, wow. It used to be Eddie Griffin. Yeah, he's the new Eddie Griffin. Yeah, Eddie Griffin's evidently not out there being a prick anymore. He's got enough money. Yeah, well. Which is nice when you realize you don't really need that money.

Yeah. And you can stop being a fucking prick to people. It doesn't get you very far man i mean you might think well you deserve better or whatever but i mean they're not doing they're not doing a fucking mtv cribs about my place but but i looked on the tour we're doing. There's, of the 18, 16 shows, there's four that we, like, we're booked. Oh, there's another one, five, because they changed the name of it. But there are five. Those are the exact same rooms we were at before. In this business, you go back.

You're back. If you're not back on that same stage, you're going to be back in front of that town. No, you're going to be back eating those same chicken fingers that they remember you being a prick. Exactly. How come I can't get a drink back here? Hey, what's in your ranch? I don't know.

Maybe it's the person you stiffed last time you were here or an asshole too. Yeah, your ranch looks a little thicker than last week's. I don't know. Maybe it's the person you stiffed last time you were here. Yeah. Or an asshole, too. Yeah, your ranch looks a little thicker than last week's. It's very salty. All right, let's just call this a podcast and get on with our day. I'm going to. The potato peelings in the sink did not turn into vodka as I had hoped.

I only start to need a drink after the liquor stores have closed. You left a bunch of dirty Kleenex underneath the mattress like an unwanted batch of kittens. Underneath the mattress like an unwanted batch of kittens Everybody's got secrets and I'm forgotten But I don't mistake it for forgiving I heard you change your name again But don't you change your name again But don't you change your hair It was the only thing I liked about you In the end

La, la, la. A woman on crutches buying a pregnancy test. It's Safeway. The woman at the laundromat can't meet my eyes. Girls at the bus stop. The stripper downstairs. No, some of the girls in some of the movies that I watch sometimes A woman calling on the telephone, losing patience Her voice sounds like whiskey and milk

No, I can't pay the bill, but please call back I got to know that you're alright I heard you changed your name again darling don't you change your hair it was the only thing I liked about you in the end.

La, la, la. I heard you changed your name again. Darling, don't you change your hair. It was the only thing I liked about you in the end La, la, la You can work with that.