The Doug Stanhope Podcast - Ep. #204: Brett Erickson Interviews Doug on the Road

Episode Date: April 14, 2017

This episode is sponsored by- BlueApron.com. Get you first 3 meals for FREE by signing up at BlueApron.com/Stanhope (@blueapron)and- Audible. Get a FREE audiobook with a 30 day trial at www.audible.com/DougStanhope (@Audible)Right before the tour, Brett Erickson interviews Doug at the Hyatt in Charlotte, NC.Stanhope 2017 Tour Dates at http://www.dougstanhope.com/tour-dates/. Get on the Mailing List to get first crack at Future tickets. May 20th Doug Stanhope / Bert Kreischer LIVE SwapCast at the Royale in Bisbee is totally SOLD OUT.Recorded April 08, 2017 on the road in Charlotte, NC with Doug Stanhope (@DougStanhope), Brett Erickson (@IBrettMyPants), & Ggreg Chaille (@gregchaille). Produced & Edited by Chaille.Closing song, "Damn Dumb", by Birdcloud. Available on iTunes.LINKS:- Support the Innocence Project - http://www.innocenceproject.org/- Tio Ceddy's Aqua Chiltepin - http://www.tioceddy.com/- Doug's DVD/CDs are all available at DougStanhope.com/storeSupport the show: http://www.Patreon.com/stanhopepodcast

Jock and Jill's, Charlotte, North Carolina, made me feel vomity. How do you feel, caller, listener, art bell devotionist? Do you get vomity? I never get vomity. But I ate at Jock and Jill's here at the Airport Hotel in Charlotte, North Carolina, and I felt like I wanted to puke. Wasn't over drunk. I am drunk, no question about it, but I didn't feel drunk to the point where I wanted to vomit

at East Coast 1025, so half an hour ago. Yeah, wanted to puke didn't know what to get knew they were going to have potato skins called it this TGI Friday's knockoff

I bet you Greg Chaley and Brett Erickson they will have potato skins and I will order them I I haven't introduced you yet you keep trying to Billy and Brett Erickson, they will have potato skins and I will order them. I haven't introduced you yet. You keep trying to talk, but you wait. I'm going to introduce Brett Erickson as my special guest on Art Bell's Charlotte Airport Overnight Podcast. But then I wanted chicken fingers, but they had crazy chicken tenders overselling it crazy

that's overselling it's not overselling it's offensive to people who have a girlfriend with mental illness or a seat partner on american Airlines. We'll get to that. Also, traumatic brain injury. Crazy? Really? They did test mark a TBI chicken. Oh, and nigger skins, which they still had. Yeah.

That's probably why I wanted to puke. Crazy? From the racism? Yeah. No, it's terrible. All right, this is Doug Stanhope. This is the first gig of this tour. Where do we start, Erickson?

This is a wild Saturday night. Who's talking? Brett Erickson. Thanks. That was a brilliant introduction. Hang on. Hang on. I'm going to let people know.

This is the Doug Stanhope Podcast with special guest host standing in for Doug Stanhope, Brett Erickson. And who's your guest tonight, Brett Erickson? Well, Doug, we've got a very special guest tonight coming in, flying in all the way from Boston. We have a comedian. You may have heard him. He's got some really funny knee slappers. Douglas Stanhope. We're talking about Dave Chappelle's new special that we watch where he slams himself in the thigh with the microphone every time there's no laugh.

All right, sorry. No, I was talking about an old lady's boobies. Here's my joke. Whap. Go back and watch. I only watched the first one. He's funny. But, oh, one. He's funny. But overrated.

What? Yeah. What? So here we are on a wild Charlotte Saturday night at 10.30 in the evening-ish. I don't know how far we can go back. This party is about to, as the kids say, pop off. Erupt. Hey, how about some...

Oh, fuck. I said I wasn't going to drink anymore. I think I've got to get one. Just need ice, a glass, and a mixer. Because I get five shots of vodka. Do you want the lemonade? Oh, wait. you can buy it. Just get my drink at the bar.

Yeah. Vodka, soda, splash. We'll save those five shots. Sure. We're still going off on Chaley while he's running like a bitch. Thank God that guy is gone. Oh, he's not gone yet.

I mean, Chaley's four. i don't know how far we go back how it starts finishing up this tour why don't you coach me into it you're the host yeah well um doug's good to have you here thanks in the studio what do you do we uh we decorated decorated it just for you i'm a huge fan of hyatt place don't use them often but i know what it looks like i know three of us can fit if delta airlines can all get us to the same place which they failed at but if they did i go all right we get two beds and a couch and here we are it's a beautiful thing three men one room i think it's fantastic it's not bad so this is quite an honor uh guest hosting your uh the doug stanhope podcast because

uh a couple of years ago when i moved out of peoria i was uh you went to aust, and I guest-hosted the podcast in your absence. And the response from the killer termites was so overwhelmingly positive that we had to do it again tonight, two years later. Was it as positive as when Chad Shank is not on the podcast, and they go, fuck this podcast, there's no Chad Shank is not on the podcast, and they go, fuck this podcast. There's no Chad Shank. Yeah, it was kind of like that.

Yeah. Dude, on the last... Chad Shank, not overrated. No, also not on this podcast. And he doesn't slap the microphone on his thigh when there's a joke that gets no laughs. No, well, if he did, the microphone would be destroyed. So it's good that he doesn't yeah that is a crutch

that uh that knee slapping thing i don't know it is the last thing i need in my career is to shit on dave chapelle it was very funny but what people don't understand is he hasn't put anything out for 10 years, and then, oh, he put out two specials. Well, in the meantime, what he does is he does sets where he does six-hour sets where he bumps seven comedians in a place and just talks like we're talking. Imagine, just take the worst of all my podcasts, which are all of them, and just imagine us doing that as a set that you're a paying customer. Yeah, take your longest, drunkest, most rambling podcast

and imagine it live at the comedy store at 1.30 in the morning. And then imagine 10 years of this podcast and then boiling it down to two good hours. 10 years, an hour of 10 years. Let's say just once a week. So that's 5,200 hours. 10,000 hours, I don't know. I can't do math. That's 10,400 hours. And then if you don't get a laugh, you go,

whap on your thigh. Ha, ha, ha. I'm high. It works every time. I'm only shitting on it because he has one line that's already in my book. I didn't get booed offstage. I got booed onstage. No, I have that fucking line.

Parallel thought. It's parallel, except, no, I'm not saying he stole it from me. I'm saying people go, Dave Chappelle already did that. No, I already did that when I wrote it on my website, when I stole from my own website to write this book, and I took old shit that no one even reads. I have an old story from Kilkenny, Ireland, where I said, I didn't get booed offstage,

I got booed onstage until the guy that paid me the money told me to get offstage. Anyway, it's just one little thing. You know how you get, cunty. Yeah. Comedian. That's like when my, if Trump replaces Obama,

the headline will read, Orange is the New Black. Joke was stolen by the brilliant Argus Hamilton. Oh, that's right. You and Brendan Walsh have a couple of firsts they you'll never get credit for yeah that was a silly one anyway but then i saw romance argus is romance didn't come around walsh would say bromance and aing, all this shit. Walsh is my favorite. Two years before I heard. My favorite Walshism is, hit the bricks, uggamug. I say that all the time.

God damn it. I want that on a t-shirt. All right. We did all the gigs I had to cancel during bingo coma was the California run. We did you and I. We did it with Morgan Murphy. And then I had to do the last one was Boston, which I did. And everything got fucked up with Boston. and everything got fucked up with Boston.

In order to do one gig in Boston in the best of times, I have to leave Tucson for a Thursday gig. I leave Tuesday, stay overnight in Tucson, two-hour drive, to sleep in a hotel to get a 6 a.m. flight rather than try to leave at 3 a.m and drive through the dark and hit deer so i stay at a hotel and then i fly to get there the night before so it's a 36 hours of traveling basically just to get there and if I didn't do that... In the best case scenario. Yeah, because there was bad weather. So I would have had to cancel Boston the second time. Now, no one will ever see me in Boston again

because I've canceled twice because there was bad weather in Atlanta. I didn't get there until almost 11 at night. Would have missed the gig the second time. So I got there, flew the day before, got there late, did the gig. Morgan Murphy Jr. stopped. A great crowd. Then try to get the fuck out.

Oh, no. One o'clock in the morning, Delta sends me a fucking email. Your flight's canceled. Getting out to go back to Arizona. There's so much. There's so much. Why did Delta cancel all these flights? It's like a thing.

There was tornadoes and shit. Because their hub's in Atlanta. The biggest hub is in Atlanta. It's the biggest hub of any of the big three airlines in the U.S. So when they have to cancel two days of flights, well, that means all the fucking pilots and the people and all the planes are stuck in other... I don't know.

So it sounds like what you're saying is that Al-Qaeda should crash their planes into the Atlanta airport. Hmm? I mean, don't, of course. You're putting words in my mouth in a different language. our planes into the Atlanta airport. I mean, don't, of course. You're putting words in my mouth in a different language. All I know is Hennigan is on tilt.

We know the filthy uncut Scotsman is out of his tit. He's back in Australia. He's on Mars right now. We're booking our own hotels we have no idea I gotta move his car for street sweeping

that kind of shit's going on he doesn't care I don't know who's gonna go first him, me, Chaley so your flight got cancelled back to Chaley. So your flight got canceled back to... Fucking Hennigan books this whole redo tour. I'm sorry, my girlfriend was in a coma. I'm going to redo all these dates.

That was done in Boston. I already booked all the flight schedule. Then he books this new Southeastern tour that we're on right now starting. But I already booked the Boston back to Tucson when he starts. I go, well, I'd have to get back to Tucson and leave immediately from Tucson to get back to start in atlanta to rent a car do all this bullshit so it finally gets to a place where i go well fuck it i'm just gonna fly directly to charlotte our first day you guys you get the rental car in atlanta meet me in charl. It worked out. It worked out. Barely. And I had to fly a filthy opposite

airline. I'm a Delta guy. You guys know me. I'm a Delta purist. Yeah. And they fucked me. And they fucked Bingo the entire year. Every Delta flight. They fucked Bingo hard because

she was supposed to come to the Reno gig. We were going to have fun, and then she got waylaid. So Delta's on double secret probation. No, this was weather related. They just put all their fucking chickens in one hub in Atlanta. So you do that. If you're a coastal person, if you're a new york la yeah you have options of really good airlines like jet blue and virgin well in tucson you have to get the best of the worst

top three and that goes in order Delta, United, American. And those are your three choices. So the only choice, because of all the 3,000 flights in a week canceled by Delta, I found one flight on American, the worst of the top three, going to Charlotte. Two hours. I could have taken a fucking Amtrak, and I didn't think of it until it was too late. So how did it work out for you?

My guest today on the podcast is comedian Doug Stanhope. Here's how it worked out. I had to leave a day later on a different airline to a different destination. And that worked out out of my own pocket. Delta didn't pay for it. Charlotte didn't know I was coming. You guys had to figure out how to meet me,

use my credit card to rent a car and get up here. We don't have any problem using your credit card, buddy. Don't worry about that. Well, you know what? This is the all fucking short-haired white guy comedy tour. This was a great moment earlier when we were all doing something and all of us at the same time put our reading glasses on. It's like the fucking lamest team of superheroes.

Put on your readers to the reader mobile. We're all 50 year old white guys with short hair. Dumb. So you flew American back. How did that work out? First class? I booked first class and got there early.

Was the only guy in security. But I was only supposed to do one. Sorry, I'm trying not to yell. Saturday night. Sorry, I'm trying not to get noise complaints in a fucking hyatt place at the airport where everyone's going out i tried to do one gig in boston which you already had to spend i brought one suit i brought nothing else. I brought my backpack, brought my laptop, and some notes, and no other

clothing except a couple pairs of suits, some Mack Weldon socks t-shirt, and we'll do, yeah, and the underpants, I'm wearing them, all three of them I'm wearing right now. Brought nothing else.

So then I get fucked over over they're five days i bought these i'm wearing them right now and i i i tweeted that i look like uh like a a lesbian volleyball community college player when they're all wearing the same after she's transitioned no in airport yeah no oh yeah yeah they that she wolfed down something last night but they pretend like it never happens yeah harvard sweatpants so i got on the fucking i never you know me I never travel without looking like Chaley. We dress up for stage, and we dress up for flights. We dress in stupid, weird suits, and I get with this. I was supposed to throw this shirt away on the way out of town because it's short-sleeved.

So now I have two pieces of clothing that were disposable. Now I'm wearing them through the goddamn Boston Logan airport. And the guy, there's nobody in the security line. I'm like, this is great. And I pull my booze out and I pull my laptop out. And the guy goes,

Hey, I need to see your boarding pass. And I get booze shakes anyway because i've just been sitting around drinking for fucking two days because i've been stuck in a helton and he goes i knew it was you i know it's you looks at my boarding pass and then i'm all panicked like i'm gonna get fucking secondary screening, which I got thirdandary screening because he wanted a picture. Hey, what do you get on the other side? Will you get a picture?

And now I'm like, I'm in fucking Harvard gift shop, Hilton. There's nothing at the airport Hilton in Logan Airport. There's a Hilton and a harbor and a runway. So if you want anything, you got to get it there. I needed an eye patch. and a harbor and a runway. So if you want anything, you've got to get it there. I needed an eye patch. My contact lens went screwy on me and started to dig divots into my eye with some kind of coagulated chunk of rock that made itself. When you don't take your contact lenses out for a year,

sometimes things can go bad so it went bad so now i can't really see out of one eye and the guy's there and he's yelling at me but then he wants a picture and i go i'm wearing fucking lesbian gift shop 30 fucking sweatpants and i don't even have a tie on or a good jacket the guy can say look i got my picture taken with tignitaro oh oh he was gone he was lobbing bombs of well yeah you were at the wilbur i couldn't get tickets but i saw joey coco diaz i saw burke kreischer and i'm like well i got fucking Harvard lesbian sweatpants on. Get the selfie from the fucking waist up. And then I had to do, you have no idea when, if you guys listen to this podcast and you understand the time and devotion

that I've put into staying at the highest level of Delta Diamond Elite. Oh, Mr. Stanhope. Your Sky Club status. Yeah, now I'm like, you filthy fucks that come to see my shows. That's how it was. Imagine you have to fly somewhere, and you're just a lowly person. And then you're coming to see me and you have to wait in line. It's like that.

It's like you're just some idiot who has to go just bottom rung person. You were diamond, so now you're a platinum, right? No, I'm on a different airline where I'm a nothing, like the people that come to see me. The zeros that come to see me, you fucking hang-faced,

balloon-headed, yeah, I'm like you you imagine being like you on an air i have to walk through security i have to take a picture with TSA poorly dressed and then I have to walk on and go oh I usually go to the Delta Sky Club what about the American Airlines I did buy a first class ticket and I walk in sheepishly and say um I don't know how American Airlines work. Do you allow people in just on a first class ticket? And they say no, which I knew they said no, only if it's international first class. But you could buy a day pass for $59,

and then I have to do the math. I'm here for two hours. Can I drink $60 worth of booze in two hours, but it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon and I have to meet you guys. So I go, I should not try to meet that mark. So I went to the legal seafoods, got fat belly, full belly, deep fried clams. The only thing I look forward to in this horrible piece of shit,

this, that. Sorry, I horrible piece of shit. This. That. Sorry, I'm out of there. Massachusetts. Fucking hate Boston. Hate Massachusetts. Stinks. But I did get fried clams. Whole belly fried clams. Not that shit you get in the frozen food. Real

bull. And then I get on the plane food you know real bull yeah so uh and then uh i get on the plane that was late after drinking 49 and 50 cents worth of booze actually it was late so i went back and i spent one more drink that actually put me over where i go ah fuck but i couldn't have gotten the clams. They were $18.95. So it was worth it to not. I don't know. How are you, Brett? I'm fantastic, Doug. Thanks for asking.

Let me get back to this fucking flight. So we get on the flight. This is where it goes. This is where I. This is where it goes tits up, as they say? The listener would go, oh, well, you're a drunken asshole. We can tell. But I wasn't. this is hours later i was just drunk enough that i knew to shut my mouth because it's been five days i'm

trying to get out of the worst fucking part of the country to get down here to carolina yeah it's like driving through oklahoma at this, you just want to go to the speed limit and keep your head down and get past all of the police and get the fuck out of there. I know what you're talking about. I'm a man without a country. I'm a foreign

man with a first class ticket. I know Delta always takes care of me and I'm a delta tight tack and i wear delta and the delta people oh now i'm on american doesn't matter if i bought a first class ticket they're running late everyone's uh all the the flight attendants or fas as i knew to call them so they knew that i was fucking i knew the nomenclature. I knew, I know your fucking inner vernacular. And they came by, hey, do you need a blanket? Who needs a blanket?

We're up in first class, you know, because we're first class people that bought first class tickets. And I don't need a blanket, but I would definitely thank you for offering, I say. I'd like a vodka soda. And they smile like, fuck you. Like, I know there's no way. No, that's what you get. That's why you book first class, is you get that first drink or two, if you can milk them, to knock down your Xanax.

And then they start yelling at people, everyone's going to knock down your xanax and then they start yelling at people everyone's gonna sit down we need to take off right away everyone get your seats right away and then i get up and i said hey um can i get a vodka soda uh to the one gentleman that's working first class and he walked back in the second row he walks back to the other lady that's working and the divot that i can't see the fa and i see him lean into her and she she's like chelsea handler she's if if chelsea handler lost the position she deserves to lose and had to go back into the workplace, and you saw her 10 years from now, but it looks like it's been 20, goes, well, I'm going to go talk to him.

And I thought, oh, she's coming to talk to me. She meant she was going to get on the overhead. She got on the PA. She meant she was going to get on the overhead. She got on the PA. I see her march over, and she gets on the PA. We've been delayed an hour and 15 minutes at least. And she gets on and says, I'm sorry, we're still delayed because we're still waiting on catering to bring people to bring catering to the first class people and all of first class goes what and then you hear the wail and it's like the wave in a stadium of

coach going what all of a sudden bernie sanders is in coach like god damn it but no then then we start rallying in first class going no no i didn't say and then the lady behind me is going can we take a vote we would rather not have catering and just leave and then the dude that ratted me out to the chelsea handler he's going it doesn't work like that. And I go, and I loudly said, listen, this is the douchiest thing I've ever seen an FA do, is to try to turn

them against us. We're all of first class. We're rioting, basically. Were you holding a conch shell? Close enough. We're like, no, we do not want this. And he's like, well, it's not how it works. We have to wait for it.

I go, no, you called us out. You made the entire coach section think we're the dicks, and that's hogwash. I was using family-friendly swear words. I was using family-friendly swear words, and it was absolute bullshit. And then I still have it. If you look at my phone under Periscope, I had it ready for if I get thrown off this plane. I had all the title put into the Periscope.

Because that's the thing. Just because you're drunk, if you're right, doesn't matter. He smells like alcohol. Yeah, but I'm right. Well, no one believes you. Luckily, you also smelled like clams. If you'd have gone into that American club, you'd have been thrown right off. And then that Chelsea Handler lady kissed our asses every which way but Sunday

because she knew she was wrong and the entire first class rallied against her for underbussing us. I got to get a fucking new term. I hate that. It's so hackneyed to say thrown under the bus. But I always go to it because I'm too lazy to figure out a better term. lazy to figure out a better term. Hmm.

I remember Joey Diaz was the first person that said that in 1997. I go, oh, that's a great expression. And then it was all over Celebrity Apprentice and everywhere. He threw me under the bus. It's on CNN all the time.

New expression. Do we have to do a uh a thing we all made it here yeah yeah yeah it was a long day man i flew out at six and uh and lax i got there and uh they didn't have any pilots, which seems like a thing that you should have for a plane. Like they would be hanging at the airport anyway? Yeah, they're like, well, we don't have a flight crew. That's why we're delayed. And they got in late last night, and they have to sleep this many hours or whatever before they can fly.

And everyone's like, well, didn't you guys know that last night? Couldn't you have... So, but then it just, I don't know, it was just weird. It seems like it's not the thing you should tell the people. Like, yeah, we don't have any pilots. It's not reassuring. Like, well, we're just going to... Seems we're out of fuel.

We're going to crowdsource this pilot thing. Has anybody flown? Go pilot me. Yeah. So just make up something else. You know, like, well, you know, the air conditioning. They always say shit like, well, the air conditioning vents are out or some shit like that. Like, that's always a thing. We'll be with you in a little bit but don't don't tell us we don't have pilots

but we got we ended up with there's more problems in the bahama triangle it's bermuda it's not even bahamas you fucking liar she's just doing her job jesus i'm on your side passenger that's trying to help the fucking flight attendant anyway i got here and on the way off that plane i started hollering at them i don't remember exactly what i said but i was hollering at them saying, you can't throw me off now. What if they would have said, Mr. Stanhope, get back on this plane. They throw you back on. We're taking you back to Boston, bitch. Like, oh, I didn't see this coming.

I didn't think you could do that. We can do anything. We're the airline. What's the commercial we're doing? Blue Apron. Blue Apron. Hey, Blue Apron. You know, when I was fucked over by Delta,

had to settle for American, and then they brought that basket of snacks. I said, hey, can I get what they... Here's the thing. When you take a short first class hopper flight like that, a couple hours, coach, you get way better treated. They send that cart down coach way, and you can buy like $7.99 for a snack pack. And it's got hummus and it's got salami and it's got olives and it's got that.

And they're already getting drinks while they're going around. What would you like? Would you like a drink? Okay, we'll go make it. And then you wait for a snack pack. You realize everyone back there is already drinking for money. Yeah. But you're like, I want to pay money to be like coach.

Would you like to buy our downgrade package? Yeah, Chelsea Handler. I go, no, actually, I don't want a banana or one of the seven things you offer in a basket. I want that thing that has the salami and the hummus and the olives and the thing. I'll get that for you. Only because I'm an asshole now.

That turned the entire first class section against her. But it's no blue apron. That's what I'm saying. If they had blue apron, a skillet, an oven, that's all you'd need. And Tom Kanopka. And Tom Kanopka.

Then blue apron. Blue apron delivers shit right to your gate. That would be very funny. They're never delayed it actually the box is configured to fit in the overhead bin it is carry on size listen

sir you can't make your own meals right oh yes I can blue apron look at this and then they go it's against regulations but then all of coach is saying fuck you fuck you fuck you you try to make first class look like dicks chelsea handler bitch they're gonna make fur they're gonna make blue apron for everyone. Yep. It's chicken tetrazzini for everybody on the plane.

Mm-hmm. And your first three meals are free. What? Blueapron.com. Listen, it doesn't matter where you are. If you're in prison, if you're in the sixth circle of, it's not hell, but what? Purgatory. Did they do sixth?

I think it's seven. I know, but. Well, there's a six before a seven, right? Well, Blue Apron has limits. That's right. It's only 99% of the food deserts. Anyway, most circles of purgatory and your home, your office, your cell, your whatever kind of rehab you're in. And don't forget, you can always put it on hold like we did for the tour weeks. We actually put Blue Apron on hold so that when we get back, then we can start it up again.

So they don't just pile up meals on your front door while you're gone. And then you have to just go through them and see what's not spoiled? That's smart. Oh, my God. There's kids outside in the hallway. No, no, no, no. That was the greatest. If you could hear, we're trying to keep it down somewhat

because we're doing this in a hotel on a Saturday night where we're not working in Charlotte, North Carolina, and we just heard someone outside in the hallway yelling at their other significant other. He was yelling at his dad. No, no, wait. I think there's sheets on the bed was what I just heard. Yeah, he said, Dad, there's sheets on the bed. Oh, Dad, there's sheets on the bed.

It's a Little League team that's here. Yeah. They'll never get Blue Apron. And if they did, they'd never appreciate it. Dad, Dad, I think there's cumin in this box. Well, put it in the far. Put it in the far. I don't know what cumin is.

It might be like Amphrax. Put it in the far. I don't know what cumin is. It might be like Amphrax. Put it in the far. Ain't no such thing as a free lumpch. A free lumpch? That's all the consonants. It's like when Jackie like Jackie the joke man used to try to do racist street jokes on Howard Stern

and he'd put in the wrong mispronunciations hey but now I'm doing Cosby hey but Mambo but he would do like alright yeah

he would do it absolutely wrong. You can be racist and accurate, but he would do it wrong. I'm trying to remember an example. Stern used to bust them out. That's not how you say that. Right, wrong. You're doing it wrong, wrong.

All right. Blue Apron. Blue Apron. you're doing it wrong wrong all right blue apron blue apron it's a better way to cook than fucking eating shit on american shealy told me today that it comes out to like ten dollars uh that's pretty cheap a plate like that's for like gourmet shit. Yeah, and that's a full – I've eaten at your place having the Blue Apron. It's more than a – it's more than – it's not like, oh, it's a lean cuisine and you're going to want a second one when you're done. It's a whole thing and you're probably going to have some left over for leftovers. Like that's a good – that's not that expensive. If you think about what you spend buying the ingredients to cook a bunch of – you're going to spend more than that anyway,

and this comes with everything you need for that meal in the box. It's perfect. Hilton Logan, I love staying right – there's like five airports i could name you orlando dallas chicago philly boston where the the hotel is attached to the airport which i like i wake up oh you got a 6 a.m flight i can wake up at 5 15 and make it but they always they fuck you boston logan the Hilton, I'm spending $24 for a sandwich, just a French dip, because there's nothing else. This $10 for a gourmet dinner that you can pretend you knew how to make

for some chick that you're... And that's the thing, too. You try to make shit like this, you're like, well, I need to go. It says here in this recipe, I need three teaspoons of xanthan gum. I guess I have to go to the Whole Foods and buy a whole bunch of xanthan gum. Baby bok choy. Yeah. They're going to give you the amount you need for that recipe. And Blue Apron will supply you with the warning xanthan gum label that you can put on the plate as required by law.

Listen, you fucking assholes. Get Blue Apron. You get three meals free. Every ingredient sent to your house and if you want to cancel you cancel there's no such thing as a free meal unless you can remember to cancel and you probably won't but if you have to get that fucking food motherfucker you might you're dead you're dead any day so get those last three meals and spend that meal money on shit you enjoy so if you're on death row and you have a last meal you should order blue apron

and you can cook it three like i can't go now warden oh that would be so good if if we could get someone on death row to order as their last meal oh no it's not over yet i get two more there's still more in the box. Two more. Your public defender files an appeal. That's funny. All right. Blue Apron is a better way to cook than letting some clown on death row do it for you. Click. For less than $10 per meal, Blue Apron delivers all of the ingredients to create home-cooked meals with simple, easy-to-follow directions.

Get your first three meals free at blueapron.com slash stanhope. That's blueapron.com slash stanhope. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. way to cook. Oftentimes I will get a phone call at a certain hour and someone says, are you sick or something? I say, no, I'm laying in bed with three pillows behind my misshapen neck. So my lack of a chin is touching my lack of a chest. my lack of a chin is touching my lack of a chest. And that's what I'm doing now, listening to audible.com. Audible.com, if you use the hashtag or promo code,

you know, I don't even need the money if you don't know my name by now. Here I lay. All brokenhearted. In a by now. Here I lay. All broken hearted. In a desperate bed. Shit my pants. A bed still moist with the ass sweat of a thousand truck drivers and confused fraternity boys on the road. Listening to Audible. Books on Audible kind of take the sting off the road, don't they, Brett Erickson?

Oh, I'm going to tell you something. There's nothing I enjoy more than listening to Audible books. I mean, come on. Unless you're reading them. Here's the thing. If you're reading them at the time, it does kind of take the reading out of it. We've been listening to Audible on the road. So Chaley downloads a bunch of Audible books. He downloaded the book I'm reading currently.

I'm halfway through the book. Physically reading. I've committed to reading this book. He's like, oh, I got this on Audible. I'm like, well, I've already started reading it. And he's playing it while you're in the back seat actually physically reading it and you uh now can you back up because yeah you're ahead of me and now it just makes me feel like a dick because now i can't i can't read as fast as this person as reading and the person is fat mike from no effects i'm like if i can't read faster than fat mike i'm a fucking asshole so it's good we did switch to uh duff mckagan

isn't mckagan duff mckagan from guns and roses duff man and now this is what's gonna fuck with me is because morgan murphy's jumping on the tour we're already about two hours into duff mckagan and now she's gonna be with us for five days, and she's going to go, I don't get where I'm at. What's going on here? And we're going to have to pause it and go, oh, no, when he was a kid, this happened,

and then he moved to L.A. after Seattle and all. His friends died of heroin, but he was a drug abuser and he stole cars, and that's as far as we got. She better shut up, because I'm fully invested in this book. And not for nothing. It actually is pretty fucking good. It's pretty good. This guy turns out the bass player from Guns N' Roses is a pretty interesting fucking dude.

I had no idea. He talks a little morning radio like, but you go, that's what I would expect him to sound like. And then when I was 14, it's not that bad. But one of the hardest things to do is get everyone on board with a book on the road. That's why we usually listen to cnn drone on because someone's gonna start talking over it we put on duff mckagan everyone shut the fuck up and they've listened and no one's going oh that's like a talking point i hate when a fucking book on tape in a car is like a centerpiece where you go, let's just listen until we have a story similar and talk over.

That's just like you're tearing paragraphs out of a book. Shut the fuck up. I want to listen to all of it. It's what? Oh, it's not even Duff McKagan talking? Oh, I have so much more respect for him. That's not him? No.

He's right there. Dude, I don't have my reading glasses on. Why embarrass me? It's read by a different dude that sounds like a dude that would be a bass player for Guns N' Roses. God damn it. So, Christian Rummel. Well, Christian Rummel, you sound like I think Duff McKagan would sound like.

Because Audible, they get shit right. All right. Hey, Audible, read me a bedtime story, because I'm laying in bed in a war-torn mattress in a quality in that has none of the first part. It should just be called in. I would suggest the Duff McKagan book and not the one that you're currently reading while you try to drive and listen all at the same time. same time and audible wants you to remember don't try to read a book listen to a book and drive while you're smoking and texting and the one thing is that i mean these books on audible are so good

sometimes you may find yourself driving in the left-hand lane and not moving out of the way of other people who are trying to pass you that's how good don't tailgate all the time and don't not look in your rearview mirror when you switch all over lanes and always drive in the left-hand lane when people are trying to fucking pass you where women in tiny cars start blowing the horn at you that I've been watching on the passenger side

and I don't want to be a backseat passenger side driver but yeah, I've been watching on the passenger side, and I don't want to be a backseat passenger side driver, but yeah, I've been watching this woman try to pass you while you sit in the fucking left-hand lane listening to your Duff McKagan and your audible don'tsay.com bullshit. I cry bullshit. What we're saying is that's how good the books are. Hypothetically speaking, that could happen to you. That's how good they are.

You might forget that you're in the left-hand lane you know what if you have a shitty driver listen to audible books because that way you can blame it on something other than hey the person i've invested my entire future in, you, possibly your husband or wife, me, a tour manager, and you go, hey, this is going down the path of we're going to go over a handrail. Audible. Audible is offering our listeners a free audio book

with a 30-day trial membership. Just go to audible.com slash Doug Stanhope and browse the unmatched selection of audio programs. Download a title for free and start listening. It's that easy. Just go to audible.com slash Doug Stanhope. That's audible.com slash Doug Stanhope and get

started today. What else do we have to do? Wait, no, I think we just did like 49 minutes. We did. Actually, 52. I can't. No, I can't see.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did I not mention that one of my eyes went bad during this podcast? Oh, my God. I didn't want to say anything. It was so bad last night that I couldn't be out. I couldn't look. Looking with my eyes. Let's be honest.

You with an eye patch would be fucking great. That would be a great era of your career. Like the Cossack period? Yeah, right. Doug's patch period. Mike McCossin's period? Yeah. Right.

Doug's patch period. Last night, it was as though if you burned your eyeball, like if you burned your skin and it became a blister, it felt that swollen. And inside your eyelid was a diamond. That was... Etching. All right. If you have

your right arm is really fucked up and you go as long as I don't move it it's fine. But like your eyes, if you move your left arm, your right arm moves. You can't just move

one eye back and forth. If you move your good eye well the bad eye scrapes against a diamond one it's a thin blister the thing is you didn't even need to change the the actual details of what happened to your eye for the analogy you could have just said just imagine you put a piece of cut round glass on your cornea and left it there for a year. You didn't clean it or take it out or wash it or anything. You just left it there for a year and a bunch of shit got on it.

It was like that. Yeah. Ouch. Ow. But it's better now now now that I'm drunk works for everything alright well that's yeah well no we

we wrapped it up a while ago sorry well Mishka we have to do Mishka and Bird Pod well I mean as the guest host of the podcast, I'd just like to say thanks for listening to the Doug Stanhope podcast.

It's been my pleasure to have my special guest, Greg Shaley, and the amazing Doug Stanhope here in the studio here in Charlotte today. Remember, keep your feet on the ground. Keep reaching for the stars. Yeah.

Keep off of American Airlines. And keep on. All right. I got to go. Oh, don't fucking manhandle me. Fuck. You're going to push me. Fuck.

No, I'm going to smoke it. Fuck you. That's how you want to play. All right. Let's go with Bird Cloud or Mishka. Let's go on to Twitter right now and do a poll. Oh, 100% Bird Cloud. See Mishka on the road. Honey, look up at the moon.

It's a beautiful night. And you said it sure is. Kind of looks like an uppercase D in the sky. What do you think? It sure does. And you ain't got enough damn sense to stay out of the rain. Yeah, there must be something severely wrong with your brain. Someone said your mama must have took some Accutane.

You're dumb. You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb. You're dumb. You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb. Honey, would you like me to fix you up a special treat and keep you safe? Yeah, that sounds good. It's a Mountain Dew Popsicle with a spoon for a stick. Oh, hell yeah, honey, that sounds good.

And you ain't got enough damn sense to stay out of the rain. Yeah, there must be something severely wrong with your brain. Honey, you're good looking and I love you just the same You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb You're so goddamn, goddamn fucking dumb